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Who Filed for Divorce?

One thing that I always find striking about the chump experience is that chumps are usually the ones who file for divorce.

I don’t have any hard numbers on this, but judging on the stories shared here, I’d say 9 out of 10 times it’s the chump who files. And that includes people who are abandoned. The cheater just can’t be bothered.

We could untangle the skein on this — the most obvious explanation is cake. The cheater enjoys the Schmoopie buffet, plus an extra helping of you. And no financial consequences!

Resisting divorce is also a great way to keep Schmoopies off balance. Well, I would divorce, but my mean, mean chump won’t let me. They can imagine they’re still at the center of an epic pick me dance battle.

Also I think chumps get stuck filing because divorce is messy and expensive, and that’s your job. Clean up in Aisle 6. “Chaos janitor” as SuperDuperChump so eloquently put it once. Why should Fabulous People have to clean up the damage? The heart wants what the heart wants.

So today, I’m curious about your divorce filing stories. Did they move in with Schmoops and the divorce still came as a shock to them? Any creative delivery methods? Advice for the newbies contemplating this move? (Get there first. Don’t pull your punches.)



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  • He moved out. I filed. It was the first day I smiled after months of playing the Pick Me dance because it was the first time in months (years?) I’d done something for my own sanity. I met him for coffee, told him I was filing. He was angry. Angry! I think the reason he didn’t file is that it doesn’t fit the victim narrative. So much easier for him to say, “poor me, she filed for divorce when I was broken and ‘finding myself’ .” Filing was the best decision I made!

      • I filed pro se $137 in October 2015 after giving him 3 months of opportunity to tell me what happened. It was a shit show of waste of time in counseling, then he refused to sign it. Did it again in May 2016, told him to sign it and he did. Freedom!July 4,2016!
        I rejoiced with the judges decision in the mail and he cried. We were in the midst of selling our beautiful home we had since 2004. Best decision I ever made. Found out after from his ex wife, that is what happened to their marriage as well. Loser!
        Once you lose respect, it’s all over.
        ❤️ Gain a life

    • We’re not divorced yet as we have to wait 12 mths in our country. I am still blown away by the anger at consequences. What in actual fuck did they expect? My Fuckwit was livid when I got my hardass lawyer to fight his pathetic property settlement offer of 35% Wtf did he expect after 13 years or lies, gaslighting, affairs? That I’d roll over to be kicked again? Fuck that shit. All the faux remorse during wreckonciliation could have earned him an Oscar. The joke of a settlement offer told me all I needed to know about how genuine his remorse was. He’s pro se bc he thinks his law degree confers brilliance in family law. My hardass lawyer is running rings around him. Even tho it’s costing me $500/hr it’s a joy to watch.

      • This sounds so familiar–I also left at the 13 year mark. My EX also suggested I get about 35% (and this was to support me and the kids) while he needed the majority of our income to maintain the life style we had together–which he claimed was his “right” since I was the one filing. He also represented himself. He also regretted it.

      • Chumpdownunder,

        Holy shit! $500/hr?! And I balked at paying $325/hr to the one lawyer who stroked my divorce fantasy the most (everybody else in my area was $275/hr)! He said, ”If you want full custody of your 11 yo son, now is the best time to act, since your wife just abandoned the family and you by moving in w/her boss. The judge will be most open to that possibility now.” A friend pointed out to me later that this may have just been a ruse by that lawyer to get me to spend more money in an action that I might not have had much chance of obtaining. I guess I’ll never know for sure. I did write him a note saying he had impressed me the most, but since I was no longer making bucketfuls of money anymore, would he be willing to work at the more common local rate of $275/hr? I got crickets in response.

        Instead, I went w/a female lawyer who I was warned against using by another blindsided, and formerly unknown to me husband who’s wife just decided they were done, no discussion as well. I actually ended up ignoring that advice and used his XW’s lawyer, who my FW XW’s lawyer (that she eventually got, because I got a lawyer first, after refusing to work through mediation only, as the XW wanted, to save herself money), told her my lawyer was known to be a “good litigator.” So while I think my lawyer missed doing some things for me, the fact that she had that reputation kept the XW somewhat restrained, I think, in what she thought she could get away with. So I’m thankful to my lawyer for that.

        Best wishes to you in your quest to leave your cheater and gain a life! You seem to be doing really well on your own. Let CN know when the divorce is final, and may you find peace and meh ASAP!

  • Mine was served at work I heard it was a huge shock to his Ego, he has an EPO on me once he moved his “WHORE” into our family home!????

    • So wish I could have done this!
      It was my fantasy especially since the OW was his co-worker.
      Luckily I have much better fantasies now that don’t involve my past ????????

    • After catching them together at owhore’s house a week later he was served divorce papers as she answered her door. I ignored red flags for years during our 35 year marriage.
      When he came back home he was angry and extremely nasty saying terrible things to me. It’s been 4 years divorced and I still wonder why was he so angry when he told me he wanted out and loved her?
      Karma entered when owhore died 2 years later. He immediately moved into another woman’s house where he is today. I wished I would have done it sooner.
      Evil selfish narcissistic

      • Kathleen,

        35 years a chump here, too! Like you (and a lot of us apparently), I filed after he confessed to a 2 1/2 year affair and told me he thought he might want to marry this whore. My narcissistic STBX even pointed to areas in the house (our bed, the sofa ) where they had had sex. He also said he was tired of needing porn. What an asshole! Then he said that neither of us would ever have better sex than we had together and wondered if we could get back together in, say, 3 years. I mean, the man is batshit crazy (and hurtful).

        Anyway, my lawyer arranged for him to be served with divorce papers a week and a half later. STBX’s response? He said there was a cheaper way to file the papers. Mr. I-live-a-double-life-and-stay-at-hotels-and-take-trips-with-my-whore wished we’d saved a little $$ on filing the divorce papers. You can’t make this up.

        It’s only been 7 months since D-Day for me. They live together in a house he just bought. I’m in a different state to be near my adult kids who want nothing to do with their father. And he’s being a total pain in the ass re the divorce. No surprise there, I guess. They don’t change. *sigh*

        • Thirty years, after a year and a half long affair eight years prior to the “exit affair” (how quaint, huh) that occurred as I was finishing my Masters thesis. Oh, after two years of secret internet dating. Took him a while to hook one dumb enough, a beige widow of a serial cheater, I kid you not. Seven months living together, me in a stunned, WTF just happened, stupor of half hearted repeat scenario pick me dancing.

          He needed to be with Trinket so badly, he refused to sign the separation agreement (that I got drawn up…he didn’t even consult our lawyer…) for six months, holding up my purchase of a new home.

          As our then 21 year old son said about the boring Trinket, “just a new admin person, Mum. He can’t do anything alone.”

          Including getting a divorce.

        • OMG Spinach and Kathleen, similar story. My ex asked if he could have me and his S&M sub whore on the side because he loved me, loved our sex life and wanted to still be a dad. He just felt entitled to find a girlfriend after he got tired of hiring sex workers. He wanted his cake and eat it too. We don’t file for divorce in that same way the US does in the country I live in, but- he was sooo shocked when I said that he had to move out! Now he won’t cooperate with the property separation. He doesn’t want lawyers or court involved. He won’t deal with the taxes. He won’t comply with a parenting plan, etc. it’s fucking exhausting, manipulating, mind fuck bullshit all the time. He won’t even download a parenting app. Oh- and it’s all my fault we’re separating and he reminds me of that all the time. He’s the victim. Poor guy!

          • FormerlyKnownAs, get a lawyer to help you deal with the separation of property and parenting plan. “Won’t comply” means legal and financial penalties then, and stops being an easy method of playing goad the chump. Don’t deal with your ex without legal representation. That’s how chumps get screwed. It doesn’t matter what your ex wants. Distance yourself from direct contact with him. Look after yourself. This was the best advice I got and it saved me a lot of angst and was worth every penny of the $6000 I paid for a clean and clear and financially advantageous separation and divorce. If your ex gets antsy, threaten to call the police and do it if he crosses your boundaries. Keep him as far away from you and your safe places as you can. If hes into image management and has a job where appearance of good character matters like mine was that will keep him away. Treat him like your enemy because he is.

            • Thanks New Chump. My lawyer is now saying we’ll just end up in court so you’re right- I just need to do it. He’s also seriously into image management! They’re all the same. The tax dept. here is chasing him for child support now (that’s how they do it where I live). I thought that would work because his employer will garnish his wages soon and he’s a high level executive. He’ll look like a real dickhead then. Trying for no contact but it’s hard with our daughter. That’s why I’d love the parenting app but the fucker won’t do it. Perhaps court will help with that too.

  • I filed first directly after I discovered the affair. No holding back, no pick me dancing, no begging for him to come back. I was done. He drug his feet and prolonged the Divorce for almost two years.

    • I filed when I found him living with the skank ho in the RV I paid for and had to hire a PI to find out where he was living. The unraveling of lies just gave me a headache. Lovely thing though… the PI that found him also served the papers complete with pictures he had taken of them together. The look of shock on his face was so worth it, with her by his side of course. That’s life in the trailer park I guess. Fast forward, he did not contest one thing. I got pretty much everything. The house the retirement account his heavy equipment (which I sold and bought a new truck with)???? And he was left with the RV and skank ho. Of course now he is angry that I took everything. Oh well. It was a tough first year because I still wanted my dream but now I look forward to each day and am living my life. Not the one I thought was so great. This blog has saved me so stand strong with the rest of us. Thanks CL

      • You took everything. It’s an interesting spin isn’t it? Five years post divorce the Limited must have been licking his wounds when he told my daughter he ‘gave’ me my pension. Nope, I earned it.

        This is a result of the immediacy of infatuation. Our love is real. He wasn’t concerned at 57, never took a peek at his SS amount (760.00 Month) he will have to live on. I used the years wisely and will get almost 3 times that amount plus my pension. Yes, RV time holed up with a skank.

        • Mine likes to project that he “gave me the house”. Oh, the house we paid for with my down payment? The house I made every payment on because he didn’t make enough to cover the mortgage? He kept his money in his business (that I funded with zero interest loans from my hard work for years to keep them afloat). He works in construction so he did do extensive work on the house, but at D time we had very little equity. He walked away from $50k he could have gotten (a small fraction of what he was hiding over the years) . I walked away from 25% ownership in a multi million dollar business where he had and continued to hide most of his money.

          He also had stolen my ID and tax records and was trying to get a loan for his business in my name prior to me filing so they could purchase an office building. He HAD to be off the $5k per month home mortgage because he didn’t pay himself enough above the table.

          So I have the house and massive payment. He gets to look like the good guy for “giving me the house” and because he always pays his nominal child support set based on his reported income on time (not so hard when you have zero bills because your rent, every utility, cable, car, insurance, phone, etc are a “company expense”).

          He’s raking it in and living the life financially and gets to look like the good guy. All good with me. I don’t care what people think of him because I know the truth, I’ve got my own life to live, am doing well despite supporting a family of 3 on one income. If he doesn’t fuck it up, my kids will inherit some of his success…so have at it!

  • Ex-wife had affair. Ex-wife gets busted. Ex-wife says she wants a divorce. Ex-wife refuses to discuss what a settlement might look like. Ex-wife leaves kids and I and sets up new home. Ex-wife plasters her new home and new relationship all over FB. Ex-wife empties joint bank account (I know – should have seen that coming) and helps herself to youngest two kids’ savings account. Ex-wife lies to mediator.

    I file for divorce and start the process of cleaning up her mess.

    Ex-wife completely flips her sh*t – how dare I etc etc?

    Ex-wife takes AP to the court during our divorce hearing because she can and she needs him to reassure her. Ex-wife lies to her legal team and the judge about cohabitation etc.

    I get a great divorce settlement (clean break, kids to live with me etc).

    Ex-wife tells everyone I scr*wed her in Court; nothing to do with what she did etc etc she’s “being punished for wanting to be happy blah blah blah.”

    Kids and I try and get on with our lives and it’s getting better day by day.

    Ex-wife is still a toxic POS but is less relevant every day.

      • Finally got him to file. I insisted, since he told me on D-day he wanted one. I knew he was stalling because of money, and I’m sure he would have liked to have had me be the bad guy and divorce him. It was a struggle for him to scrape up the funds for the lawyer/divorce since he was vacationing with his AP over our anniversary.

        • I took the view that I needed to file and then drive things through as quickly as I could; I had realised that the longer that I stayed married to her the greater the risk that I would end up the hook for dealing with the financial consequences of her f*ckwittery. She is an alcoholic, a narcissist and suffers from depression – so this was a valid concern.

          The fact that I got promoted at work (and got a significant pay rise) a month after the divorce was finalised did not go down at all well with her.

          In her mind I’m still the bad guy – but I don’t care.


          • He planned his discard of me for at least 1 year and at a minimum that’s how long his affair with married howorker was going on. The first 24 hours after Dday were a mess, but by day 2, I quickly gathered up financial docs and called for lawyer appointment. I realized he had a big head start on me. I filed for divorce 4 days after Dday. I think he was shocked I was able to file so fast. Fortunately, I selected a great attorney (based on recommendations from attorney friends) and settlement/custody issues went fast as Ex so concerned about his attorney charging him $.

            • I consulted a lawyer as quick as I could too. He left without notice and I didn’t find out about 4 year affair til 5 days later. Unfortunately in Australia I don’t think the system is fair. We both worked and had no children together and settlement was based on what you brought into the relationship(15 years prior) Things deemed not relevant
              -He rented out his house when he moved into my house but didn’t share the rent. He didn’t help pay my mortgage or pay me rent. He paid half te bills but earned more than me.
              I retired early so we could travel etc but he had already started his affair. If he wasn’t such a coward I could have kept working and adding to my retirement fund. My lawyer said all this was irrelevant to the settlement.
              Anyway I was fortunate to have an inheritance from my dad which helped me pay part ( the rest a big chunk of my retirement fund) of my buying him out of my house.
              I may be poorer but I still own my house and was glad to settle within 7 months as it is a weight off your shoulders not to be attached to a cheater in any way.

          • Nice. What a sad mess your XW is. I’m so glad you and the kids got some support and distance in the divorce process.

            On my end, the fact that I won’t put up w/the bullshit condescension in many of the FW XW’s communications made her recently say in response to my calling her on it, “Whatever works for you to allow you to maintain your victimhood.” Hah! I may have been a victim of her infidelity towards me and our family, but like all of us, I’m much more than that. I’m a survivor of a FW w/shitty character! Suck on that!

            It always amazes me how they all seem to think the world continues to revolve around them. No, I can’t wait to exit this unhappy-go-round! Then, see where the last vestiges of your centrality go, ya FW. You’ll only have our kids (assuming they haven’t fully seen through you by then), your AP (assuming the geezer hasn’t died yet; he is 15 years older than you), and your pathetic group of morally deficient friends. Except for our kids, you can have the rest in the hell that is your life, but of which you’re probably unaware you’re living. But I’m aware of it, and my family’s aware of it, and my friends are aware of it. There is life outside your bubble. Thank God.

    • Very similar story. I am primary custodial parent. She talks a big talk about wanting more but never takes it. She brought her AP over and he flipped off my security cameras. He was well known in the community for putting valium in wine where he was a server (allegedly). Life was blown wide open and she got fat alimony lump sum (no fault state), but I have my boy.

    • They are all the same. Mine told the kids not to ask her for money because “Daddy gets all my money now”.

      • FMT, OH. MY. WORD! Mine used that exact phrase when he drained the college fund of one of my children after the Court forced him to pay all his unpaid alimony, etc: “Your mother has that money.”

    • Why oh why are these idiots surprised when we kick them to the curb? Good for you. I loved your empowering synopsis.

    • “I refuse to apologize for falling in love and finding happiness” my ex-husband said that to my youngest daughter and still he cannot understand why his three kids won’t talk to him 3 years later. With me he said something along the lines as your ex -(me and his adult kids) are punishing him for finding happiness. I am still dumbfounded with his giant sense of entitlement. I had to file even though he left to pursue his happiness – he just couldn’t be bothered. The irony is I rushed, he left on Jan 1, I hired a lawyer on Jan 3 and filed on 2 weeks later – I wanted to beat him to it – truth is he hadn’t even started looking for an attorney and was completely caught off guard. From that point on he insisted that it was my divorce ….

    • LookingforwardstoTuesday,

      Good Lord. What a POS. You and your kids are on your way to a better life and sanity. Congratulations from another discarded husband. I’ll see you in the Promised Land, my brother! Aka meh and Tuesday. Best wishes to you and your family.

  • I was 4 months pregnant on D Day. Within two weeks STBX and OW were living together 200m from my front door.

    Once I had birthed our second child i was in the solicitors office with a baby under a week old to sign the paperwork.

    14 months on from that day we still aren’t quite there because he keeps stalling the financial settlement. This week he wants Bbq utensils, a hosepipe and lawnmower- i kid you not ????

      • Yes thanks. Taken a while, not at meh…yet. I have two beautiful sons, a new job and gained a life. I have to share my boys with him and AP but i trust that they suck!

    • This has got me flashing on a “Fireman’s Brigade” song-skit from Benny Hill:

      “I have got a hosepipe,
      I have got a hosepipe,
      I have got a hosepipe,
      What shall I do with it?”

      “Oooooooooooooh . .
      Stick it up the chimney,
      Stick it up the chimney,
      Stick it up the chimney,
      And let’s put out the fire.”

      Stick it up his chimney, and put out the fire. 🙂

      • Mine moved into the apartment of ow. Kids & I remained in the country on our 2 acres (I had paid 100% for). I had become disabled. He fought hard for both riding lawn mowers.

        One mower he bought without discussing with me for over $8k (not kidding). He still owed a lot on that, so fine with me that he have it. Dumbfounded why he fought so hard for the other 10 year old riding mower that didnt even run (not until my mechanic brother put $300v into it labor free FOR ME & KIDS). That’s when he fought for that too. Wanted to leave us without a mower I guess. This is the type of selfish, mean spirited, stupid ass kind of shit he did all through the divorce (which he drug out to over 2 years).

        I got the old mower in the divorce. He got the 8k one & the over 5k of payments left on ot.

    • All of these stories are horrifying, but the d-day’s while pregnant make my heart hurt as this is an extremely vulnerable time. You are incredibly mighty and good for you for dropping that turd!

    • Kim,

      And I thought I had it bad. My FW XW moved in w/her boss a 1/2 mile down the street from the house she left me in w/our 11 yo son. That was bad enough. I can’t imagine only 200m. I don’t think her AP would have survived.

      You’re amazing. Keep it going. You’re doing great, and we’re all in awe. What a POS your ex is.

  • I, the chump, filed. He was staying with friends after d-day 3, so I went to a lawyer without telling him. I took the advice of the attorney, separated our finances by getting my own bank account etc. I called him after and he was completely shocked and surprised. I said I needed 2 weeks in the house while I found an apartment. Our children were grown and I did not want to maintain a large home. He cried and begged for another chance, I said no. We were married 28 years and I have not laid eyes on him one time in the past 3.5 years!! When I left it was over!!

    • Mine also shocked when I separated finances. He drags his feet to control the Mensa whore. I’m doing all the work. He’s too busy being “holier than thou.” I just don’t get it. But then that’s not my job (Yay!!)

  • I found out about the affair, asked him to leave. Two weeks later he decided he had to go 13 hours away and spend Christmas with his pipeline whore instead of spend Xmas with his kids. The day after he left, I filed for divorce. After New Years on his way home from his whore’s, he called crying that he wanted to come home. I told him we could talk when he got back to our state. That night he came over, begging me to let him come home. I asked him if he still had a girlfriend, and he gave me a shocked look and said “do you want me to break up with her?” My answer…. “no, I have filed for divorce, please sign here”. I never let him come home, but have not always been that strong, but that day I felt mighty!

    • Oh my gosh!! How awful and unfair of you!! “Do you want me to break up with her?” Geez. These twerps really leave a person dumbfounded.

      • Found out he had been cheating when I was pregnant (he still denies it was physical, yeah right) and he immediately next morning called his mommy and daddy then a lawyer. So he filed first and for a week I made therapy appointments in a panic and tried to talk things out with him not knowing he’d already hired a lawyer. This was two weeks after I returned to work from maternity leave.

        So I guess his story is he filed for divorce because I “accused” him of cheating. Sounds logical and reasonable. I guess I’m in the minority and I’ll say it SUCKS to feel like he dumped me when I was the one threatening to leave him that entire week. Power move I guess.

        • Geez, our stories are horribly similar. Mine filed a few days before my 6 months UNPAID maternity leave began.

        • Count yourself lucky. Many of us have to do all that shit work while realing from being cheated on. It is not glorious or a badge of honor. You however were the honorable adult by working to fix things while he continued to lie and undermine the marriage.who does that -go to counseling while secretively filing for divorce. That is a special kind of a***hole. A true sign of weakness not power. Power is manifest in honesty and integrity like you have. Hugs and stay strong.

    • I got that same bs. I said if you don’t stop this horrid mess I will file for divorce. His response “but what if it doesn’t work out”..he never wanted to loose me he literally wanted his cake and to eat it too..his words. They are so delusional.

    • Three years AFTER the divorce, my ex was working overseas. He called about the house (we, err I, was getting it cleaned up and ready for the bank to take back), and then told (not asked) me to quit school in the middle of the semester, take my fur babies to a shelter and get rid of them because he was going to get me a job where he was. The punchline, he was going to keep Shrek in his apartment “to take care of his things” back in the States. You know, so when he went back to the States, he could still screw her. He actually thought I’d be willing to assume her former role as side chick after being wife. I was so shocked at his audacity and dumbfuckery, I was speechless. When I caught my breath, as he was waiting for an answer, I started rolling with laughter and just hung up. I got the house out of our names and never spoke to him again. I’ve been at meh for a few years now. But this one thing still has me smdh. Seriously guy. Seriously? Lol
      They all seem to think it’s ok to “come home” but still keep schmooze too.

    • Argh! What is it with these cake eaters. I’m so surprised at the similarities in today’s post. It’s freaky and horrible but nice to know you’re not the only one (unfortunately)

  • I filed. My ex’s trashy ex gf that he kept around was on her 5th marriage and not someone he wanted to he seen in public with. I came to find out that even when he was dating her before meeting me he kept her hidden from everyone. She was divorced from hb number 4 at that time and eventually moved on to number 5 after he met me….I knew nothing about her until years into the marriage.

    But I made him look good, so he wanted to stay married to me while “just catching up” with her.

    Yeah right…..”just catching up”.

    He couldn’t believe I actually filed. He so didn’t think I was going anywhere that he threatened divorce if I didn’t drop the subject of the ex because it made baby uncomfortable. He didn’t want one, he was just using the threat to bully me.

    I’m sure he tells people I just left poor him because he got old (he’s much older). The fact that he kept an ex around I’m sure never comes up.

  • Mine actually had me served on my Birthday. And immediately cancelled the divorce. He said he did not want to throw away a 33 yr marriage. He actually cut off all contact with Skankella. I was in such a fog that it took me about 6 months to come to my senses. I got my ducks in a row and filed. I just could not live with a man who thought so little of our marriage or my safety wellbeing. I had to file.
    Looking back him filing for divorce than backing out was just another way for him to control and abuse me.

  • I filed because he just wanted to live separately. In fact, I filed the first time (4 years prior) and after about a month, he swore he’d never do it again. (And I was desperate at the time so I backed out.) But the second time he said, “I figured we could just live apart.” And I said, “And would you have anything to do with that woman?” And he told me that he didn’t know what his plans were. So I said, “I cannot be married to an adulterer.” And his response: “And that’s your problem!!! You’re so judgemental!!” I was dumbfounded. I absolutely had no comeback to that. I think he didn’t want a divorce because he was so afraid I’d take half of his military retirement. As it turned out, my lawyer showed me that it made better sense to give him all of his military retirement as long as he didn’t touch mine. That may not make sense in other military divorces, but it made perfect sense in my case.

    • “So I said, ‘I cannot be married to an adulterer.’ And his response: ‘And that’s your problem!!! You’re so judgemental!!’ “

      Omg! That’s just crazy. Mine basically accused me of being unable to forgive. Apparently that was the real problem, not having a two+ year affair and lying every, damn day.

      These cheaters can’t take blame. They feel like punished victims. It’s amazing. And they all seem alike.

  • I filed and paid

    His lawyer said he wanted to wait a year I said no way and filed on adultery not difficult to prove fuck face was pregnant his lawyer still said it was my idea to divorce and I should pay as he wanted to wait a year

    I gladly accepted the offer it was the best money I’ve ever spent

    • As a side to my own comment

      My ex never once asked for a divorce or separation even when he moved out I filed the legal separation papers as well he just thought he’walk out and that would be it

  • After begging me not to get divorced, I told him point blank it was over and I was getting a lawyer to handle the divorce. I even texted him from the lawyers office to let him know the retainer was $3500. I then put it on “his” credit card, of which I had my own card as an authorized user. ???? He thought I was going to pull that money from our meager savings (that he kept draining) and got REALLY mad. He was even more issed when he realized the lawyer was actually MY lawyer and not OUR lawyer. ???? Still one of the funniest moments of our debacle of a divorce.

  • I filed first. She was still living in the house with me. She started tracking my movements and would confront me when I went to an attorney so I started leaving my phone at work when I went to meetings. Even after our day of mediation, months later, I had to go with my lawyer to the courthouse and “finalize” the divorce. She called me, crying, and said “I heard we are divorced now?”

    And I apologized.

    • Bummer. I hope you are non-apologetic now. But at the time I’m sure your emotions were all over the place.

  • Yep I filed – I was also the one to kick him out….. He is the one who is delaying the whole process by taking forever to reply to each request. If you are so happy with your other woman, why?! More cake I think!!!

    • My theory is that as much as chumps are duped, the whores (female/male) are duped even more so. The king of all that bs is “can’t take you there, can’t do this, I love you but, etc, etc, etc because evil chump.” Divorce and dumping them takes away their plausible sounding excuses to their whores. Suddenly their bs excuses are gone with the wind and they are thrown into the very cold waters of having to deal with reality or come up with new bs…and we know that these idiots aren’t that creative.

      Whore wants marriage….well…now they are divorced and free. Dance monkey dance. I don’t think any of them are actually capable of love or have any intentions of ever living up to the lies they told the whores. The lies were part of the fun. It was never supposed to be become real. I actually suspect that having to live up to their lies is a very special kind of hell and punishment for those fuckwits, thus the delays and resistance to divorce. No don’t seem to have any intentions to divorce because they actually don’t. It’s ruining their games.

      • Yep, they use the chump as a reason they can’t be with the AP and use it to cry a river, on and on. But in reality it’s because they want both lives. It’s sickening the lengths they will go. Ex actually went to live with his mother after I got the protective order rather than live with his OW. Then his mother kicked him out for drinking (major alcoholic). At that point he went to live with OW, within a week he signed up for Ashley Madison and took trips to meet skanks. I found that amusing. Within 6 months he attacked her. She used my PO as an extra reason to get hers but didn’t press charges even though she had a witness. She is reaping her deserved rewards, it’s my understanding he’s quite ill. It’s been many years and I rarely think about any of this, or come visit here, but this topic struck a chord. The refusal to divorce was definitely a problem, it usually costs chumps too much money because it takes us too long to realize we need to file yesterday. That’s why when I hung out here regularly I told everyone to file fast, file hard, use anything in state law that helps you, don’t be too damn fair with your settlement papers because they will bargain forever. But, no matter what, you file ASAP so there is an END date to negotiation that cannot be escaped. Very few of these assholes are willing to pay for even one day in court, and no wonder, that can cost $40K all by itself. And that is why they almost always settle before the date. Ex waited until 2 days before court to sign. But he signed.

        Good luck to all the chumps out there, File fast!!!

        • It’s good to hear from you, DDW! Thank you still helping out new chumps. CHUMPS! Word of wisdom right here!

        • Yes! Cannot stress this enough. After dday#2, I lawyered up within 3 days and drew up separation agreement while cheater pants was in total twu wuv and willing ‘to give away the farm’ (literally) to be free with schmoops. Cause if a chump waits too long and cheater pants figures out grass isn’t greener and begs to come back, they risk a less favorable and delayed settlement/divorce.

  • I was told he found someone and wanted a divorce. He asked his daughter to move in her basement because we weren’t getting along (news to me). This was prior to the announcement.

    I threw him out when he said he was spending the night with needy mentally ill Nancy before he moved to daughters. I filed three months later and he was pissed. The pension he didn’t want (small) suddenly became valuable as he lived in squalor. He didn’t show up for court, do paperwork and his attorney withdrew when slur accompanied him and raged at her.

    My attorney said he’d get half my pension yet when court ordered to show or default I ranted in the hallway in front of hundreds waiting for the doors to open. I told him he was a lying cheating asshole who wouldn’t be respected by adult children if he took my pension. He represented himself. I won. Fuck. Yay.

    After the settlement he stated he thinks about me all the time. Have that fucker. He sucks and lives like a teenager.

  • Despite all of the shit that led up to it, KK and I agreed that we’d each get legal representation. Mine said that in our case it didn’t really matter who did the filing. KK’s attorney must have told her the same thing, because when I said I wanted to be the one who filed, there was no resistance.

    I think she must have interpreted this as a willingness to “roll over and play ball,” whatever that meant to her. However, her ongoing behavior (lots of nights and weekends away from our daughters, being hospitalized for excessive alcohol consumption while on a trip to NYC with the Chlorine Special, a big bag of easily accessible sex paraphernalia in our bedroom, etc.), was such that I started insisting on specifics related to custody and retaining the family home.

    My steadfastness on these issues moved our divorce into the “contested” category, and that’s when her gasket blew and the verbal abuse really started. 10 months in the same house while the lawyers, the court, and a GAL investigation sorted things out.

    In hindsight, I’m very glad I did the filing, even if it was largely symbolic. For me, filing means that I’m the one who said “enough!”, I’m the one who said this is unacceptable, and I’m the one who started dictating the terms of separation after being dictated to (making my needs smaller and smaller, as part of the pick-me dance) for so long.

    • I never thought of it that way, i.e., ‘I’m the one that said this is unacceptable.’ I do remember him saying (when I accused him of adultery), “You’re making me out to be the bad guy!!” I just said, “You are the bad guy.” It’s image management. That’s why it could only have been me to file and thank God I did!

      • Mine is a sad sausage seeking sympathy: “She threw me out!” Mr. Innocent has NO idea why anybody would throw his fabulous self out. It makes me look like an intolerant bitch in his eyes, and helps his self-impression management. God forbid he actually acknowledge he is an entitled asshole with the morals of a cheap condiment, but with less usefulness.

        • In the very beginning, there was definitely an element of SS impression management mindset with KK was well: “I was more than willing to keep working on things — UXworld was the one who insisted on divorcing.”

          That thinking was flipped on its head very quickly once I started standing my ground: “UXworld is just being angry and bitter because I left him — I’m so glad I removed myself from his controlling nature.”

        • That is SO funny! Cheap condiment has me dying laughing. So true. Thanks, I needed a laugh today. Might make CC the loser’s new nickname since it isn’t offensive to others and highly appropriate.

      • That’s exactly what my chump friend told me, take back your power. By me filing, I drove the settlement process, custody, and I took half his pension.

    • Oh so true! Totally glad I did the filing. Because I had finally had enough bullshit. Funny thing is fucker tried slinking back in a few times with stupid shit. Leaving flowers on my doorstep. Pulling the sad sausage/remorse act when a woman dumped him. He realized pretty quickly that the gig was up with me, so we’ve been all business now for years. I can’t unsee who he really is and he knows it.

      I still find out or catch him lying about shit, but as long as it doesn’t impact me or my kids, so what? Why bother informing him that I can see the emperor has no clothes? I just laugh about it and move on.

      So so glad that is was me who had finally had enough.

  • I asked him to leave right away. After 40 years, I just couldn’t even look at him without going into a panic attack. I called an attorney and my financial advisor the next day. Saw the lawyer with my oldest daughter two days later. I then called the cheater and asked two questions. One, do you love her and his answer was yes. The second was was this affair going to continue if I didn’t catch you and again the answer was yes. I called the lawyer the next day and told her to start the process. Now 7 months later we are divorced. Now he is telling me I went too fast, didn’t give it time, still loves me, etc. etc. It’s not easy but after learning the affair had gone on for over 21/2 years, I was done. I’m too old now to wait for him to fix himself!!!!

    • Good for you Marge. Mine told me he wanted a divorce no discussion never said a word about unhappiness etc etc. Had a wonderful life retired for almost 20 years, married almost 40, 39 and 6 months actually. Told him get the “f” out that same day and put the house up for sale, got a lawyer and separation agreement. I was moved into my new house in a new town 6 weeks later. I was just about to start divorce process when the cheater (who moved in with whore immediately ) was diagnosed with Brian cancer and 14 months later was dead. I have had mixed feelings about his death and the brain tumour mostly because I found it incredible that he could do this to me after 40 years together. Then just last week while I was closing an old email account of his I discovered he was on a dating site at least 5 years looking for a fling. So there’s the answer to the question was it the tumour that made him cheat NO it was his conscience decision. I am grateful that he left, I can’t imagine how I would feel if I had nursed him through his cancer and grieving him only to now find out he had been cheating for who knows how long. I’m 3 years out from D-Day and doing well. Hope you are too.

  • My ex filed because the alimony laws changed. Four years of draining assets – while stupid me thought he didn’t really want a divorce. Why would he toss 33 years of marriage for a woman married 3 times. He demanded I get on with the divorce and said I needed to be done with it by the end of the year. He filed thinking it would be quick. It wasn’t. Now he pays all the taxes on the alimony. He was not happy.

    My advice document all your assets. He’s not coming back. Get what you deserve. Leave for the emotion for after the divorce. It will be the toughest fight you will ever go through. Save your breath trying to reason with him – it will be turned back on you.

  • I filed. Twice. The first time he didn’t want to do it and begged me not to but then when he was ready to sign I chickened out and cancelled it, hoping he would change while doing the pick me dance. A few months later when finally realizing he’ll always be an asshole I filed again and this time was over. For good. Best decision ever.

  • We weren’t married so that made it easier. But he still begged me to take our European vacation together after DDay #4. When I cancelled my flights he took his drug dealing teenager and moved out. But stalled everytime he needed to sign something for the mortgage and house to be in my name only. Refused to answer my texts or calls asking why he was stalling. He refused to stop using our joint bank account (I had no money in there but seeing it every time I looked at my own account online was triggering). I had to call and close it. That account has still popped open a couple times because he’s still trying to use it. I have to call and explain to the bank over and over again.

    • Take all that money that is “jointly” in your name. It’s legally yours if he hasn’t removed you. That will get his attention and he will close that account to start a new one. Maybe or maybe not you’ll return the money after.

  • After four affairs over as many years (that I KNEW of) I caught him snuggled up at the bar with a coworker 14 years his junior 27 days after my father died of cancer. He followed me home, smirked at me and told me he would always be a cheater because he had cheated on everyone he had ever been with. Then he left.

    I filed 3 days later, this happened on a Saturday. Coincidentally I filed on Halloween.

      • Oh it is. Just like a fucking teenager, which is coincidentally just like his whole mentality apparently. Hands jammed in his pockets and all.

        As a hysterical aside, I confronted them in the bar and gave 24 year old OW a quick rundown of his cheating history while he was desperately trying to close out the tab. She chose not to believe me. He dated (screwed) her for the next four months, met her parents twice, then dumped her three days before Valentines Day bc he “wasn’t ready for a relationship, he just got divorced.” I was told she was bawling and making a fool of herself all over their workplace. I smirked then.

  • I made the classic mistake of texting my ex to let him know that I was filing for divorce, so my fuckwit knew that the paperwork was coming. As a calm, rational, and responcible adult he had a plan: everytime my process server went to schmoopie’s house to serve him, my fuckwit would hide in the bedroom.

    How do I know this?


    It gets dumber.

    No. Really.

    My office is ALSO in our dead-end neighborhood, and we live in a small town. And have you ever heard about the stereotype of small-town gossip? Oh yeah. It’s true. Can you imagine how fun and exciting it is to have people visit your office all day long to give you updates? “Oh, your husband is at Schmoopie’s house again, but he won’t answer the door for Bob!” Did I say ‘fun?’ I meant ‘nightmarish,’ because I couldn’t even go to work to temporarily escape my drama for a few hours.

    The only reason why he ended up getting served is because AND I FUCKING SHIT YOU NOT, my divorce attorney ALSO lived in the same dead-end neighborhood in our small town.

    So that was fun.

    Now this is the part when you read my story and you’ll say to yourself, “that sounds fake even by soap opera standards.”

    I find out that Schmoopie and Fuckwit are going to move. Good, right? At least I won’t have to see them in my tiny corner of the world.
    I find out that they are moving because I am the property manager in my dead-end neighborhood, and they applied to live next door to my office instead of next door to my home because my life is a joke and every day is hell.
    According to Google, there are 1,483 other homes he could have moved into, but he had to choose the one that’d cause me the most pain.

    • Those people are so, so sick in the head. Please find it all funny else it will drive you bananas.

    • What I don’t get is why these other women/men go along with the ex assholes to torture the chumps. If I were the other woman, I’d want to stay as far away from the chump as possible. What do they get out of that?

      • They feel special, and powerful, and perfectly justified in tormenting the evil ex. “I’m the winner, I got the prize!”

      • Sadly my fuckwit is a pathological liar. He can make up the shittiest scenarios. I am the evil one because he made it all up and keeps building on his story over time like a movie sequel.

        He did this with my stepkids while we were together!! I even adopted the oldest because their bio mother is a piece of shit as well. The oldest talks to me once in a while and the boy is very rare.

        Its very scary and never going to know what to expect in court.

  • I filed, but not without waiting for the best moment. After DDAY #~, fuckwit finally stopped coming to the house at the end of November 2017. He had a burner phone, but randomly would use his phone calling the whore. I noticed a call to a luxury resort in Yosemite in early December. He was still making up excuses why he was leaving the house.

    Come end of January, his birthday and bitchwhore’s birthday are 2 days apart. Claiming he was going on a “club” trip. I knew where he was going but all lies and kept saying it over and over so that makes it true.

    On his birthday I called concierge and left a gift basket for his room and bitch whores wishing him a happy birthday and the gift of divorce papers will be there when he gets back. Concierge was hilarious, said I wasn’t the first sadly.

    I followed up with a text saying same thing and a week later filed and served him shortly after. I have already been talking with an attorney 3 months prior. Its crazy, even though all the infinite DDays, i still cried in my car after it was done. That was 2 years ago and I am still not divorced with a shitload of attorney changes, delays by the courts. COVID, and his failure to respond. I think this is why I was crying.

    Its hell divorcing a fuckwit, but I hear where there is darkness, there will be light.

    Happy Friday CN!!

  • 02/14/15 is Dday. I retained a lawyer right away thinking we will sort it out together and I will just use my lawyer to double check the settlement agreement. He takes offense that I got a lawyer. We go through a lot of unproductive back and forth until the end of March when I find out he’s bringing his mother to live with us for two months in April.
    Early May, he cuts me off financially. Completely. I find out at a gas station, out of state, one evening. That’s also when I learned only one person is needed to close a joint account.
    End of May, his fucking mother finally leaves to return home after having done so much damage to the family dynamic, to my kids and the situation as a whole. Soon after, the asshole stbx gets physically abusive toward our son. I instructed my lawyer to pull the trigger and file the next day.
    It took three weeks and almost $500 just to serve him. One because I didn’t want it to be done at the house in front of the children (I wish now I had not taken the high road). Two because he was protected at work and it was difficult to get to him. And three because he probably knew it was coming and knew delaying would be good for him.
    He was finally served after a car chase during rush hour on his way to work in DC. And then the shit show of the procedure began…

  • Close to 12 months after he moved out and just about my one year anniversary of being a CN reader (but not yet a contributor)… I invited him over to discuss divorce terms. He showed up with two bottles of wine, the movie Jersey Boys, and tried to seduce me on the couch while his phone was lighting us with texts from the OW(so he said).

    I rebuffed his advances (thank you CN and CL)… and I filed pro se about a month later with the same terms I had wanted to present to him (whereby I was actually buying him out). He was underwhelmed by my offer, got quite angry and ignored the filing complaint, and ranted “I could’ve f*cked you that night if I had wanted to…” and that was when I knew that I had to hire a lawyer.

    I found a good one that I could afford. I liked her personality, she knew the local courts/judges well as she had been practicing family law for 20 years. And when I told her I had pre-nup, she admonished me for offering him a nickel. Mr. Sparkles was served while I was on a business trip to Prague. I still remember waking up to a text from him that said, “NICE. You hired a lawyer.” I ignored it (practicing no contact).

    So, he hired a lawyer and I amended my complaint to include adultery which named the OW (he tried to tell me she was going to sue me for libel if I didn’t drop the complaint, I told him she could go right ahead – it isn’t libel if it is true).

    Still, the courts and Mr. Sparkles dragged it out… took almost 16 months to resolve because Mr. Sparkles kept missing deadlines. He even tried to blow off the court date to sign the mediated agreement (I got everything) and the Judge literally called him at work and told him he had 30 minutes to be standing in front of her.

    He left in August, 2014 and it took me until December, 16 to get it done. It has been worth every penny. And, for what it is worth, the OW dumped him because she discovered he was cheating on HER so he didn’t get to ride off in to the sunset right away… it took about another six weeks to land the GF he has now and who thinks he’s the victim of phishing attacks on dating sites (someone stole his dating profile and is now using it unbeknownst to him). #specialkindastupidthere

  • I filed on the grounds of adultery. His lawyer counter filed alleging mental cruelty because “I would never be able to prove adultery.” After a long trial, the judge agreed with me and granted a divorce for adultery and summarily dismissed his claim. Now it’s on his permanent record that he is a cheating asshole.

  • He filed because I refused to. If he wanted out he had to file. His AP pushed him to file because I wouldn’t. Worked out well for me because he abandoned the marital home etc. Got 56% of joint assets and mortgage paid off. He got his child bride to help with his Peter Pan Syndrome and I am happier than I was married to his narcissistic ass. Even completed a Technical Certificate with Cum Laude distinction. Not bad for a 60 yo goddess.

    • Well Done! I also refused to make it easier for him to divorce me, and told him I’d happily sign the divorce papers, to have me served and begin the process. This took him 6 months to do. Signed the initial filings with a mutual acquaintance over a bottle of wine and appetizers that he paid for. He was incensed that I’d hired an attorney. Best money I ever spent! He was awol for many Court appearances, lied in all of his financial dealings, fired his attorney and lost a great deal. He hid loans he had taken out from his Partnership, was inexplicably ‘fired’ and when he filed to have support payments lowered, the Judge actually raised them substantially. He was, is, will continue to be a complete dumbass Fuckwit.
      So much happier without him!!!

  • He would never quit cheating. He would never divorce me. I don’t think he could even wrap his head around the fact that he wouldn’t be married to me. Five years later he is married to the OW. I’m pretty sure they are both cheating. He will never divorce her. He enjoys the stability of a marriage, that someone is home for him, that he is never alone, that he has someone to do things with, that to the rest of the world he looks like he is an average Joe. He can’t be alone. He can’t be in a committed relationship. I filed.

    • Phoebe, you just described Cheater #2 to a “t”. Can’t be alone. Can’t commit. Fuck that shit.

      • Phoebe and Her Blondeness,

        Holy shit. Now that I think of it, that describes the FW XW perfectly. She cannot be alone, and in all her relationships, at some point she cannot honor her commitment. And the new AP is her new fuck buddy to keep her from being alone, and for which she had to break her commitment w/her previous partner in order to seduce him. It just reveals a little bit more to me about how fucked up she is. A new way of looking at her that I hadn’t really thought about.

        Best wishes to you both for having to deal with these people, and for all the rest of us as well. Because that covers most if not all adulterers, doesn’t it?

  • Similar story here. He got found out. He wouldn’t stop seeing Schmoopie. He moved out and showed no interest in reconciling but never seemed to get around to filing for divorce either. At first I was just going to wait him out. “He’s the one who doesn’t want to be married anymore, let him do the work”. Six months after DDay, however, I finally realized that he was never going to come back or file for divorce and I wasn’t going to be able to heal and move on unless we were divorced. At that point I told him we had to get divorced. Technically, we filed jointly but I am the one who did all of the work. He just showed up to a few meetings with the mediator and signed some papers. I am fortunate in that he took a completely passive approach. He didn’t initiate it but he didn’t try to stop it or slow it down or screw me in the agreement either. He’s lucky too, however, in that I didn’t ask for any more than I needed. I probably could have screwed him financially when he was in that state but I chose not to do so.

  • I ended up filing after DD#2 and 1.5 years of reconciliation (aka just never ask for anything/question my shady behavior/expect me to pull my weight and everything will be just fine!). He made the bomb, threw it into our lives and then was teary eyed with shock at the mess it made. It used to make me angry that I had to do all the heavy lifting, but it worked in my favor. All of the arrangements were made while he was in guilty sad sausage mode, and he rolled over on pretty much everything. Now, three years later, I see filing as one of the first steps I took to take charge of my life.

  • She told me she wanted a divorce (this was after a 6-month “hold” attempt to stay to together). THEN I found out about the affair. I suppose we filed together; we met a mediator together which didn’t go well.
    We did Collaborative Divorce which has its benefits.

    I guess my point to newbies is that it can happen ANY WAY, just get through it. Its better on this side.

  • After my cheating ex wife was caught out, she had a long list of why she’d been unhappy with me for many years. Still, she never filed, or even said she wanted a divorce. And after I filed, she dragged her feet. Cheaters say we’re unbearable, but they won’t let us go!

    These folks remind me of two old ladies complaining about a restaurant they went to all the time. “The food there isn’t very good,” says one. And the other answers, “Yeah, and the portions are so small!”

    • Yeah the laundry list/ Seinfeld episode of Festivus airing of the grievances. Stuff going so far back that one grievance was pre-marital! The D word never even came up. He spewed his affair admission at me and then raged about all my shortcomings. When he said he refused counseling and wouldn’t end relationship with married howorker, I knew I was left with no choice but to file. He carried out his affair for 1 year before I found out yet I was the one who filed. Lazy mofos.

  • Married over 2 decades. 3 kids. 3 years prior she said “something was missing”. Marriage counseling (couples and individual). Amazing reconnection and re-proposal of marriage vows (complete with new rings). She was “never happier in her whole life and never felt closer to me”.
    D-Day 2019, “Something is missing”….”I love you but I am not in love with you”.
    2 months after D-Day SHE filed for divorce. No explanation….nothing made any sense nor was there any logic.
    Fast forward a few months and my investigation turns up the UGLY truth and mountain of LIES. She had been cheating since a little before D-Day.

    Cue Van Halen…….

    ” Ah, might as well Chump
    CHUMP !
    Might as well Chump
    Go ahead an’ Chump
    CHUMP !
    Go ahead and Chump”

    Had I known the truth right away, I probably would have filed immediately
    Thinking back, same MO 3 years ago….I would bet $$$ she cheated then too.

    So, I guess I am in the 10%, Chumplady…..cheating/lying STBX filed

    About 10 months after D-Day, she tried to tell me she still loves my and thought we could date. But she can tell by the way I look at her I have no feelings left.


    You cheat and lie to everyone then you are sad for yourself because your husband has moved on. (Obviously your Bro-Worker had enough of your crazy…who files for divorce and then wants to date the person they are divorcing?) You cannot make this shit up!

    Pity party? Narcissist much?

  • Complicated answer…
    I came home from a week in a psychiatric hospital for suicidality to find he had hired a lawyer and filed.
    I had sent him an email from the hospital’s computer telling him where I was and that I wanted a divorce.
    Apparently he thought the email was too well-written and could only have been written by an attorney. So he immediately hired a barracuda and filed.
    He’s a fucking attorney and couldn’t tell his own wife’s writing style from that of a divorce lawyer?
    Got him to withdraw the filing, got my own barracuda and filed myself.
    In the end, it just doesn’t matter.
    When people ask me what year I got divorced, I don’t even remember. THAT’S the most important thing.

    • Rebecca,

      Fuck him. What an asshole. Good for you for moving on. Don’t waste another second on that POS. Blessings to you going forward. And no, I’m not religious. Just sounds right.

  • James Bond decided that he had to permanently leave the country, while I was at work, because he could not stand it one more minute when I asked him, “Who were you muttering to on the phone?” He left behind his clothes, his computer equipment, books, everything in the house, his car, he only stole a photo, belonging to me (but not of me, he had no use for that).

    So I was advised by our faith’s elders to file for divorce, because who knew what damage he could do. It took me six months before I finally told him I was sending the papers to him, and he drug proceedings out at every single opportunity, lasting 2 years and 3 months, and I paid the expenses. It was expensive, but that’s the cost of freedom.

    • Queen of Swords,

      Good for you. May he rot in Hell. And you made me realize, there can be another meaning for chumps like us when we see the bumper sticker (or whatever) proclaiming “Freedom isn’t free,” or something like that. No it sure as hell isn’t. But it is sweeter than being around those piece of shits.

      I sincerely hope you are in a much better place mentally, emotionally and spiritually. It sounds like you may be. Best wishes to you and your family.

  • Our stories are identical. I was shocked when the cheater, who moved out, said he was never coming back, was upset I had filed for divorce. Like, what did he expect? Lol. My best decision as well!

  • He cheated. He told me straight out, “I’m not attracted to you. I don’t love you. I don’t want to be married to you.” I asked, “Then why are you here?!?!” He literally shrugged his shoulders and walked out of the room.
    This went on for YEARS. When I finally did file, he fought me on everything, especially custody for 3 1/2 years before it was final. Even though he had a couple of different” serious long term”girlfriends throughout.
    He tried to use the “your mom’s the one who filed” bullshit on our kids. They don’t care. They know he’s an asshole. To be honest, I’m now grateful I’m the one who filed. It’s the moment I started taking my life back!
    My advice to my fellow Chumps is everything Chumplady preaches – lawyer up fast with the best attorney you can get. File first. Document everything. Be the sane parent. No contact or Gray Rock. Self care. You’ve got this! There is SO. MUCH. JOY. on the other side!

  • I filed 4 months after d-day. I served him the papers in a joint counseling session. I called the therapist to let her know ahead of time. I calmly handed him the envelope and then pulled out my copy to go over it so he knew he had to respond. He had been asking me not to file, but he is an unrepentant adulterer and 4 months of therapy and his pathetic behavior only confirmed it. I have 2 daughters and I HAD to show them that there are lines that do not get crossed in a marriage. And it’s been awful, but I have honor and integrity and he is a cheating liar who lies.

    • Good for you for setting a good example to your girls! Don’t let assholes abuse you no matter how much you may love them!

  • I filed after years of pick-me-dancing and then her finally leaving to “gain her independence back” because I was “smothering her”. Met my Ex-Wife at McDonalds after dropping the kids at school for their first day to tell her. She was shocked. I’m fascinated by all these stories of the cheater being shocked. I can’t help but want to crawl in their heads and see how that’s even possible.

  • I am waiting on him to file because if he wants it he needs to do it. He has not as of yet but tells me every day can we please get divorced. He wants us to file together and use the same attorney so he does not look bad to his family. He has bought his own house now and the sank now lives with him. He has also bought a couple of cars and maybe buying a lakehouse. He can just keep buying all this stuff while still married cause I will for sure enjoy some of it once he does file. He also told me I’m holding him hostage since I will not go file with him. I wonder what story he tells sank as to why he is not divorced yet????

    • I would go file-it will rock his world! Make sure you get evidence of adulterous behavior before you file. You might get more than 1/2.

    • Do not use the same attorney! Absurd. You need your own, and you should probably get that going, so you can get their good advice! Wishing you luck, your husband sounds pretty entitled.

  • We filed together after mediation but of course after saying she wanted a divorce she wasn’t actually doing anything towards divorce. Eventually I made all the arrangements for the mediator. In hindsight she was probably stalling to see if everything was working out with schmoopie and to see if he would keep his side of the agreement. As he was living with his girlfriend.
    After she got the key to her new apartment she took almost a month to move in. When I got annoyed at her sluggish moving she actually got angry. She said: you want me out of your life that bad!

  • I filed. After being thrown to the wolves emotionally, physically, and financially I asked him twice to file jointly and amicably divorce. Both times he played the reconciliation game. Four months into the mind fuck he TEXTED me that “it just wasn’t sitting right.” We should live separate lives, but not “do anything yet” and he hoped we could be friends for our kids and families. I spent the ensuing three months educating myself. Filed on January 3rd, 2019 on grounds of abandonment. He and The Downgrade got sloppy on social media. With the evidence I needed, I amended my filing to adultery two weeks later, naming her. Officially divorced 4 months later. Shithead and his (estate planning) attorney tried to convince me to change the grounds to irreconcilable differences. I said no!
    I just celebrated my first Freedomversary!! Yay, me! Good riddance to bad rubbish!

  • I suspected an inappropriate relationship between exhole and howorker the end of June 2017. I had no confirmation or proof, but my instincts knew. I unknowingly pick me danced until August 2017 and I left everything but the kids and pets and went home to my mother’s while he was in Chicago on a business trip with howorker. As soon as exhole returned from his business trip he filed for divorce. He said it was because I had left the state (IN) with the kids and he was protecting his parental rights. Which translates to, I’m protecting my ass and assets because divorce in NC (where my parents live) is way more costly than a divorce in Indiana. In reality there was no way I could have filed for divorce in NC until I had been living there for 6 months. Divorced can be quickie in Indiana, only a 60 day waiting period, I signed the divorce papers first,he couldn’t believe I signed right away. Once I signed, he had 7 days to sign. I forced his hand, there was no going back.

    Get a loan. Borrow money.
    Do what you have to.

    He kicks us out in 2015 because I wouldn’t put up with him running around. (Women from church, including some teenagers.)
    Pretends to get help and desire to put family back together.
    2016 says divorce is necessary for us to find a new path.
    I find evidence of him dating.
    2017. I try filing pro se. he rejects the papers and hires an attorney to “fix my papers that two lawyers told me were acceptable.”
    I hired and filed.
    He flipped what he agreed to for an entire year.
    During that time, he and schmoopie had moved in together, consolidated finances, stockpiled commission money and bought a big house.
    I live in a trailer.
    End of 2018.
    He signs the agreement in mediation.
    He marries her and convinces the kids to sign papers electing him less than a month later.
    He re-filed for custody.
    Trial next week.

    If you sign an agreement all previous evidence and behavior is void!!!
    So although I have a literal encyclopedia Brittanica of evidence against him, it’s not necessarily admissible.
    Some of it is based on the judge’s discretion.

    “What’s the problem? He’s been a model citizen since your previous agreement!”

    And his reasons get excuses while my reasons are inadmissible.

    Money is finite. You can file bankruptcy if you have to, but get a judge to hear you and make that determination.

    You have to stop projecting your mentality on to theirs and realize this person will do everything possible to ruin you.

  • When he left at the end of 2017, he thought he was so smart in presenting me a 3-page legal separation agreement that was a template he filled out off the internet.

    I didn’t sign it and off he went. Our son with Autism derailed and that took my energy. He never mentioned that agreement again. In August of 2018, I finally bring it up to him and ask him if he wanted to use a mediator to make it less expensive. He was aghast! Why use lawyers? Surely we can do this on our own.

    Well, I already had a lawyer who had consulted me in setting up a new access arrangement with the kids that was no longer the 50/50 that he had initially proposed so that “neither one of us needs to pay child support.” My son was doing so much better and the lawyer advised to let it sit for a while in order to establish “de facto” custody.

    He didn’t want a lawyer. For the following months, I asked him questions about what he wanted and then let the lawyer know so she could draw up different parts of the agreement. April 2019 is when I present him a 30-page agreement. He was in shock. Still didn’t take it to a lawyer. Two months later, I insisted that he needed to get is own “certificate of independent legal advice” if he wanted any change of getting his money from the house. He stalled the process for an additional four months. It all became official October of 2019, if finally all got settled (1 year 10 months).

    Now it’s a matter of filing for divorce. I regret now that I didn’t do it all together with the agreement. I know that I will have to file and pay for it, but it’s the best gift that I am going to ever give myself.

    I don’t think he stalled because he wanted cake. I think he didn’t because (i) he truly didn’t care, (ii) wanted it to be easy, (iii) didn’t want to spend money. Same goes with the divorce.

    But you know for us chumps. After years of being scammed, not knowing the truth of our marriages, it was empowering for me to take control of the legal separation and divorce. Finally, I got my say. Finally, I knew what was going on in my own life. Finally, I was empowered.

  • Ex actually said to me, “I thought if I treated you badly enough you would do the divorce (I wouldn’t have to, implied.) Like, yeah, it works that way. Typical of his thinking. Still to this day!

    We had a brief exchange–unusual–and he said that if he’d known he would lose his only child forever he might have done things differently. I obviously, am a pile of chopped liver. What a maroon.

    Amusing karma tale: he now lives in the town where child was conceived, works where he worked when we lived together, minus gorgeous 18th c. house now worth gazillions (we did not pay gazillions), and his sugar moma requires in-home care. ooopsie. So much for dreams of California beaches and et cet.

    • I didn’t have to do anything to see Karma for the dick. He married his skank and they bought a gorgeous house. He also bought a $160K motorhome that I refused to allow him to buy. Then they bought a timeshare in Mexico so they could walk hand-in-hand on the beach. I must admit, I was a little forlorn about it all but I went on with my life and had fun doing things that I could afford. 3 years after our divorce, his skank moved her aging parents to a retirement mobile trailer park. Then he retired…, and his retirement checks didn’t go as far so the dick and the skank bought a fixer-up trailer in the trailer park, sold the gorgeous home, and live within walking distance of the skank’s parents. Then in the last year his new father-in-law has such bad health problems that he can no longer drive. As the skank still works; the dick has to drive his mother- and father-in-law to and from doctor’s visits; the dick has to buy groceries for them; the dick has to pick up prescriptions for them. The dick’s aging mother bought a trailer in the same trailer park and has moved in just down the road from them. So now the dick is shuttling her around town and picking up her medications and groceries. My son visiting told me that the last time he saw his dad, his dad said, “This isn’t how I planned on spending my retirement.” For the last few years of our marriage, he had stated several times that he wanted to buy a country club membership and golf everyday in his retirement. You know, had we still been married, he probably would have seen his dream, but now, Karma.

      • That’s awesome. Selfish prick is now gopher for aging retirement community family members & his retirement dreams are stuck in the sand trap.

  • He filed for divorce and set up mediation. From discovery to divorce being final was 11 months. I knew a few things in previous years but the cognitive dissonance was strong and I didn’t believe he had a double life even though it was in my face. It took me months for it all to sink in and to understand what had been happening throughout my ten year marriage.
    I think if his girlfriend had been closer he might have dragged it out longer. She (21 years old) lived in Brazil an we are in the States (he was 38 at that time). I don’t think he could find a way to justify leaving me and two kids to go to Brazil so he filed for divorce. I said he had to file if he wanted a divorce. Sex with a woman almost half his age was a very motivating factor apparently. He went to visit her the week after I moved his kids across the county to my parent’s. He saw her – living in another country – more than he saw his own children that year! So we had a fairly quick and easy divorce. I got what I needed easily enough. She moved the the US and they are married now. Lucky girl… she won a real prize. A middle aged man with ZERO ability to be faithful or even honest.

  • For me, there were two reasons for being the one to file. At the time I filed we had both retained counsel and were negotiating an agreement but he was dragging his feet on fully disclosing all his financial information (like how much money he’d taken out of his 401K to support his stripper habit). He was also living in another county over an hour away and had been there long enough to establish residency and jurisdiction if he chose to file first. My attorney did some research and the county he was living in was notoriously bad about awarding adequate spousal support compared to the county where I live. So the first reason to file was to a) ensure that jurisdiction was established in the court of my choosing; and b) start the Discovery process since it was clear he was not going to turn over his financial information without a court order to do so.

    The second and most important reason to file first was that I wanted to be in control of the process. I would have stayed married to that man forever. ALL of the decisions that led to the end of my marriage were made by him – the lies, the cheating, the financial misconduct, the risks to my health, etc. There were years and years that I was unwittingly living in a state of chaos and harm without my consent. Being the one to file as an important step in taking back my power to control my own destiny; to be in charge of my life again. Waiting for someone who had abused me in one way or another for three decades to “do the right thing” was pointless. The only one who was interested in doing right by me and my children was me so I did.

    • Yes…”control of the process” was why I was the one to file. Reading everyone’s stories. Trying to figure out how not to write a book????.

  • I just had a lightbulb moment!!
    It WAS me that filed first, me that pushed through the divorce while he yanked everyone around, even getting “fired” by the lawyer he never wanted to hire. He wanted to mediate which was a disaster since he lied about everything and the mediator saw that. He left when Schmoopie allowed him to move in. I have always felt like he left me but he did nothing to make sure the divorce happened. Dragged his heels for 2 years. So yes I divorced that asshole . I did. That is my narrative now. Thank you!! Wow how they mess with our heads!!

  • Here in the UK, we don’t have ‘no fault’ divorce. I was the one who had just cause, namely the affair. I filed rather quickly because he and his AP were racking up debt and everything we had was in joint names. What annoyed me was that he didn’t want me cite the AP by name on the form. I put down ‘woman unknown’ (which is permitted) to make the process quicker. I still sometimes wish I’d insisted on listing her name.

  • Where I live there’s legal separation, you have to wait a yr and then you can divorce. Then the official divorce is simple because all the legal work and separation agreement has been done.

    When I met my H he had been separated a year, and we were together for 2 1/2 years before we bought a home together. After 3 yrs I realized he hadn’t done anything about finalizing the divorce with his ex (even though I had told him a couple of years ago that it was important to me)-he had left his ex, she had moved on with a new partner and he lived with me. His finalizing his divorce became a contentious issue – he said he ‘felt’ divorced. But he did get a divorce and we married and all was good I thought.
    Anyhow, he cheated on me and now we are legally separated…… When he suddenly left me for married coworker with kids, he brought up the issue of me having had a problem with the fact that he wasn’t previously divorced and how that had really bothered him!

  • After 10 years together, we got engaged among D-Days, basically.
    They need us to create the life they want, without a chump there’s no triangulation.
    They need a secure base to explore, like children. Only children use it to grow, not for kibble play.

  • Sparkledick filed. But there is a twist:

    D-day came along just before our son moved out for a job. He needed someone to co-sign the rent contract, which involves property as collateral.
    I said “Son, I am very sorry, but I am not signing anything with your father, I can’t trust him at any level including financially and morally”.

    Sparkledick was absolutely furious; we work in different cities, so he called me to tell me he is filing. I say “Fine, go ahead. I want x, y and z from our assets.”

    So one night I arrive home and a court employee is waiting to serve me the papers, pissed off because I get home so late. It was awful. He bellowed his business in front of neighbors walking their dog.

    I bet that sparkles was not paying for his lawyer, whom I know is hired by the bull-shit factory think-tank he runs (I had been pleading for him to leave it; I though his aggressiveness was unhappiness with his job).

    It became obvious that sparkles putting on a power show and just using his lawyer for his intimidations because then he started dealing me reconciliation cards. He just could not believe that I wanted to divorce.

    POS missed all the deadlines and so the divorce became litigious and, thus, much more expensive. My lawyers wrote up a petition for compensation for moral damages, which included descriptions of his shit and his lawyer, of course, had to read it.

    End of story is that he even paid 70% of my lawyers’ fees. So I guess one could say that I got sparkledick to file for me.

  • I filed. The third time I filed was the charm for the 20 year marriage. I learned a lot over those 20 years. I learned about addictive behaviors, lying, cheating, and alcoholism. I learned forgiveness was perceived as weakness, and permission to repeat the behavior. In a counseling session he once said our marriage would be fine if I would just be quiet, instead of bringing up his (ongoing) transgressions. Since I managed the bills, I knew about our financial situation. I knew he had some secret cash stashes, but I didn’t know where they were, and cared more about getting the divorce done than tracking all his lies. I was also concerned about him paying child support without a struggle.

    The second marriage was much shorter. I didn’t want to believe I had made the same mistake again, but I filed when I found the evidence of his cheating. He said he didn’t want a divorce, he just wanted me to “fight for him” — pick me dance. I had learned a thing or two from the 20 year marriage, and one thing was I didn’t want to fight for him, and by that time I had discovered many of his lies. I knew he would not change.

    I was tired of the struggle by then. I used my post divorce time to find a therapist and examine my own actions and beliefs. I had to go back to my FOO issues, and why I had put up with behavior that was not acceptable to me. I needed peace and quiet and reflection. I found out I could live and be happy without a man in my life. I did try dating, for a very short time, and I found the whole dating scene to be Much Ado About Nothing. I just decided not to put myself out there, and instead I only go places I want to go, and do things I want to do. In the unlikely case that I meet someone in those circumstances who is willing to become a friend, I might consider a relationship, but I doubt that will happen.

    My door is not closed. I have a lot of fun, and a few good friends, and I actually enjoy the peace of living by myself. My home is my sanctuary. I know there are probably good men out there somewhere who may be in my situation. I just don’t know where they are, and I don’t want to start a search party. I feel that if a man in my age group is interested in me,, and shares some of my common interests, he can always become a friend by acting like one. If a relationship develops, fine. If not, fine. I have a lot to offer in a relationship, and I want a partner who also has a lot to offer. If not, why bother? I am happy to say I am content, either way.

    • I love this line, Portia; it captures my attitude too:

      “I know there are probably good men out there somewhere who may be in my situation. I just don’t know where they are, and I don’t want to start a search party.”

      Thanks for writing. I always enjoy your posts!

  • Technically, he filed, but only because his lawyer told him to.
    I found a lawyer first and my lawyer sent him papers to say I wanted a collaborative divorce. He wanted to do a kitchen table agreement! Even my kids said that was a horrible idea (they are in their 20s)
    He found his lawyer and we started the process. They filed because they wanted an official date from which to split the finances if we couldn’t come to an agreement. He is the breadwinner. I have been his wife appliance through 27 years and 9 moves.
    I found out about the affair 4 days before my daughter was to graduate from law school. I kept silent so as not to ruin her big day, but confronted him a few days after. He confessed and IMMEDIATELY moved in with her, THAT DAY! Yes, of course they were planning it. He had gotten sloppy knowing it didn’t matter and not wanting to be the one to have to tell me. He ‘let’ me find out. They were on a 2 week trip to Greece just 4 weeks later. Yup, more planning.
    By the time he got back, I had found a lawyer and was getting my ducks in a row. I used that time to copy every bit of information on could on our finances and educate myself on divorce.
    I will say he did me the favor of making it abundantly clear that it was over. After finding LACGAL ( while he was in Greece I went into NYC for PRIDE with my daughter and visited The Strand bookstore in NYC.), I realized I was living on hopium and pick-me dancing for something that was dead and impossible to resurrect.
    We are still trying to come to an agreement – one year after D-day. Covid has slowed the process down, but in that year I have:
    Sold our marital home
    disposed of all the things neither of us wanted
    found a cute rental house in my hometown (2 states away) and moved
    applied and been accepted to graduate school
    reconnected with old friends
    found meaningful volunteer work while I wait for school to start (helping at food pantries)
    I will NOT give in to his ridiculous lowball settlements (so much for his promise to ‘take care of me’ on the day I confronted him) so, we keep going back and forth and making the lawyers richer. However, we are getting closer.
    Hang in there everyone – you are all worth so much more that what the cheater has given you. Know your worth and be mighty!

  • I held off on filing because I still Thought that he would realize how stupid he was… it wasn’t until my older son fell down stairs at school and I had To take him to the doctor only to be told my insurance wasn’t working…. and then doing some digging finding out he had been fired from his job! It was such a reality check that i need to separate myself from this man in order to save myself… he had already ruined me financially by leaving me when I was A stay at home mom and ruining my credit as well…. that was it what did it for me… finding out my boys had no health insurance because he was an idiot

  • Of course the troll fucker couldn’t be bothered to do the right thing. Not only that, I got the judge to sign off that he had to pay. My attorney had the papers ready. She was just waiting for the payment from him. He was making just shy of $300,000. He never paid. I had gone back to school full time so had to borrow the money to finally get my divorce. It was worth every penny.
    The process server called me laughing. It seems Mr. Integrity was so confused that I was divorcing him that the process server had to explain it 3x. What makes it even better, his mistress was there to witness his devastation that I was divorcing him. Can’t put that genie back in the lamp.

    • ???? they just don’t think of anyone but themselves and when we stand up and say this is not ok, they are surprised. Yes bad behavior has negative consequences

  • Yep I filed as quickly as my heart would let me-5 months to filing, 8 months divorced after 30 yrs marriage. He did NOTHING except sign papers For which I am grateful. That is a window into our marriage. Then came back 18mos later wanting “his”stuff. Nope too late. And complained to sons about me keeping his stuff None of which he wanted during separation agreement. He was too in love to be bothered. The best advice a lawyer gave me was to file quickly because The guilt he is feeling will go away within a few months. He was right. By the time X started feeling justified, we were divorced. I think his head is still spinning and I’m an even bigger bad guy cuz consequences. It hurt like hell but the best thing for me in the long run. Hugs newbies. Push through to divorce in the midst of your heartache.

  • I, the chump of course, had to file. He cheated on me twice. First go round was 15 years ago and I helped to raise the baby from that affair. Now on to year 27 he says he fell out of love with me and moved into his 29 year old whore’s house 4 days after he left. (He is 48). Said they were just friends. No one would take him in. All of his friends abandoned him and he had no where to go. But to her house.

  • I filed. My lawyer suggested that I document a proposed split of our assets. I did that and I did it totally in my favor. I had a substantial retirement account and I didn’t want him to get his hands on it. He had been raiding our shared retirement accounts to buy his little Schmoopie diamond earrings and trips all over the country. So I left those accounts to him. I expected a fight, but he didn’t even dicker with me. He didn’t bother to hire a lawyer. When the divorce was final I had to tell him because he was just so checked out. When I told him it was final, he started to cry. Ugh!

    When the divorce was final and he didn’t come up with a ring for Schmoopie, she dumped his sorry ass! LOL! Eventually he found someone else and married her. He put her through law school and after she passed the boards, she left him for another man! He’s now on wife number three. He bought her a million dollar house on a stream. He complained to me that wife 3 has a 35 year old daughter who is constantly wanting money from them. Too bad, so sad. I’m just waiting for wife 3 to dump him.

    I’ve been divorced a long time now and I didn’t have Chump Lady to help me back then. It took me a long time to muster the courage to divorce him. It was scary and I loved him. I wish I’d had someone back then to tell me to get rid of him and move on. No contact would have helped, too. It took me so long to move on because he still came over to see me, called me, etc. If you have a cheater, you aren’t stuck. Dump that cheater. Your life will be much happier!

    • Congratulations for finding the strength! I hadn’t heard of CL before my divorce either — my head was so messed up! I found CL about 10 months after my divorce and enlightenment started coming my way. I don’t hesitate to call infidelity abuse whenever I have friends or acquaintances calling it something else. Really, until it’s happens to them, they haven’t a clue.

  • He filed. We had a 2 year old and infant, and I was on maternity leave.

    I had found out about the mistress, but he was gaslighting me like crazy saying that she was just a friend.
    Then I accidentally got sent an email from a travel company to confirm his week-long vacation with his mistress. When I confronted him, he got an apartment, moved out, and then filed. I was in complete shock. He told friends that he was going to get a 2 month divorce. He tried to convince me to negotiate everything on our own and share a lawyer to review the final document.

    I 100% believe that he filed so quickly because of the cheating clause in our prenup. I think his hope was to finalize the divorce before I figured out what was going on and got proof. When his dad cheated on his stepmom (previously the mistress), they ended up divorcing, but were still in a relationship after that. So he thought that was a possibility. A few weeks after he filed, he apologized if he had done something to upset me and make me stop working on our marriage. They are completely insane.

    I was depressed in the beginning because he was the one who left (I had read the statistics). I could not understand how I could be so horrible that he was willing to abandon a new baby just to get away from me. So I am incredibly grateful for the LACGAL section that explained that he filed because he knew that I was too mighty to keep fooling. That helped take me from depression to feeling powerful. I <3 CL.

  • I filed after a 38 year marriage after he moved in with the AP and quit his 6 figure job. Ex was dipping into our retirement funds for their living expenses… of the things he argued over was 1/2 of our a Christmas dishes….worth maybe $200 to purchase new…..and get this, AP is Jewish! WTF did he fight over Christmas dishes?!?! Really??? I got 60/40 and the house…..and for a reason I still do not know or understand 2 of my 3 adult sons do not speak to me any longer….6 years now….but they do speak to their father who had the affair, abandoned the 38 year marriage and married the AP! ????‍♀️????‍♀️

    • I am so sorry about your sons. I know the pain. One of my 3 adult sons doesn’t speak to me but he speaks with his dad. The only thing I can understand is that he is very good at making people believe him. I can only pray that someday my youngest will want to have a relationship with his own mother again, but until then, I’m going on with my life and be happy. It really is his loss.

  • I left the house and filed. His initial response was “How am I supposed to pay for this apartment myself?”, which was like a dagger in the heart and confirmed what I suspected all along… I was just a room mate/maid/short-order cook to him.

    He played the victim even though he was already in a full-blown relationship with OW2. My leaving disrupted things because then she was actually pushing him for commitment.

    Last I heard, he knocked her up but she wants nothing to do with him. She actually accused me of “cursing” their relationship because I predicted that once the shine wore off, he would treat her exactly as they did me. Yes dumb bitch I have voodoo powers… the outcome was completely unpredictable from the start.

    His family says that the kid probably isn’t his (entirely possible) but it could also be their usual excuses for why he’s a lazy fuck up whose never succeeded at a single endeavor in his life, other than tricking me into marrying him.

  • I was married 20 years when I found out he was cheating. We tried working things out. He was not seeing her. 5 years later, he suddenly decides he wants a divorce. I couldn’t find any proof that he was cheating again. Turns out he had a burner phone all that time. I picked me dance for 6 months. He was the one who filed on my birthday. Once he moved out, and OW was at his house, I moved as quickly as I could to get the divorce finalized.
    I’ve been divorced 2.5 years. I have my pension, and my home. I am happier. I started learning how to play guitar. That kept my mind focused on something so I wouldn’t think about fuckwit. I am happy I am no longer with him. My son is happier too, although he does worry about his dad.
    Good luck to all chumps that are currently finding out they are a chump. You will make it through this.

  • I filed the week he went. I decided there was no going back that very day. No point in waiting for that lazy fat ten bellied wanker c#nt to do it. It was money well spent and cheaper than a funeral.

  • I filed less than a month after his last, most appalling gaslighting that he did in front of friends. He then used that to convince our adult daughters that Mommy was going crazy. It was quite a set-up.

    He later tried to convince me that it would be in my best interest financially to just formally separate. But by that time I knew what he was capable of, that he had used me as a beard for our 43-year-marriage and it made me sick to think of still being married to him. He seemed surprised when I took back my maiden name at the divorce.

    It’s almost five years now and I’m still working my way to meh. At least I stopped loving him; that took about a year.

    • Mine was stunned when I took back my maiden name too. Only my lovely daughter-in-law seemed to understand.

  • My XW knew I was going to meet with a lawyer. When the lawyer did a background check and I found out she had secret apartments, bank accounts, P.O. Boxes, committed fraud, etc. I immediately filed for divorce. This was 2 1/2 weeks after DDay. I used the righteous anger to get my ducks in a row.

    I wish I didn’t tell her that she was going to be served. But she was at her work. I remember her telling me: “you were only going to consult with a lawyer, not file for divorce”. She was deflated, defeated. It later turned to hatred because “I didn’t leave you for those men”.

  • I was abandoned by text, mostly. The dick went on a business trip and texted he wasn’t coming home. Long flowery image management text.I spent weeks in a puddle. He came and got some things ( and my computer),“living on the boat”,that I made the down payment on with a small inheritance, yada yada. 2 kids in college. He’s paying bills “out of the goodness of his heart”, but I’m “going to need to start paying half”. 6 weeks later my sister comes down and we do a consultation with a lawyer. I suspect he’s had affairs due to all the work travel. Lawyer says really hard to prove, but it would be useful if I file to “control the process”. When he got served I got another text…..appears I am not doing the best thing for our family(and his wallet….26 years SAHM). Hear rumors that he’s not on the boat always, but living with latest(it turns out!) schmoopie ( and her 2 young children….but it’s a secret or she could lose custody in her divorce proceedings????). The dick is bullying and belligerent trying to keep me in the dark( is he running scared?). I’m trying to get the house ready to put on the market(it needs 20k in repairs to even qualify for a mortgage) And he won’t come get his things. It’s a small hoard of stuff. DD then 19 and I start going through it. 15 years worth of cards, letters, emails, souvenirs from est. 4 long term affairs while active duty….one with coworker also active duty and married to an admiral. Well now we know why he spent so much time traveling….and in the garage….and why he got passed over for promotion…..give it all to the lawyer, and it’s leverage, but we can’t really use any of it…..The dick needs his high security clearance to work and I need him to pay for kids college and my alimony since I have zero work history. The dick is now slightly nicer( except when he tries to circumvent his lawyer to save himself money, and sends my lawyer directions
    and a nasty letter when he is informed that said lawyer does not work for him. I hope he worries every day of his life about what I will do with 2 years of emails that he shouldn’t have kept.
    I’m sorry for that run-on sentence ……like a purge. The short answer is ….I filed. It took 30k( and counting)in lawyer fees and 2 years to get divorced. We addressed no custody issues since the kids weren’t minors. I ate a lot of their expenses willingly and 2 are wonderfully launched in the 4 years since this started. I never asked for more than is customary.The long story is you can’t make this shit up! He wanted to bring his “fiancée” to my daughter’s wedding while we were still technically married. And saw nothing wrong with asking…..Every step of the way he was horrible….and couldn’t believe that it could be true that he would have to give up so much of what is”his”.image management is a hard thing to grasp and to fight. He became someone I didn’t know with the horrible things he did( had always done and I just found out about). And I became someone I didn’t know with anger and grief. I’ve learned to be grateful for the small things, and I’m praying that 2020 turns around soon.

    • He must freak out whenever it’s polygraph time or he’s just a great sociopath who is cool, calm, & collected for that.

        • Typically depending on clearance level, some might have to take a poly every 5-10 years on the job. I hope my Ex goes for a promotion some day (once child support comes to an end) that causes a bump in his clearance level, and I get paid a visit from background investigators. This bird will sing!

  • After 30 years of marriage, spawn of phlegm went on a gas lighting binge of chaos and decided we needed to separate and that I should move out. Six months later he moved to an apartment in the city to be closer to work. After another year of pick me dancing he sent a heart felt letter stating his coworker, who had been just a friend during all of this, had become some thing more and they were in a relationship. He felt it best we should divorce amicably for our three kids sake. He had a good friend who was an attorney and would walk us through the whole thing together. I served divorce papers the same week to his coworkers house. Surprise! He was at my attorneys office in person the next day all charismatic and agreeable. He had her duped for a few weeks, but seeing his actions never quite agreed with his speech, she wisely realized my crazy talking was actually the truth. My divorce settlement was agreeable. I heard, apparently his was not.

    My most difficult part of all of this was dealing with the emotional trauma of learning who he really was. In hindsight, I gained understanding of his deliberate use of chaos and smokescreening. This was to hide his premeditated “hunt” to secure his next kibble dispenser. He had orchestrated the whole thing purposefully, from deciding to separate so he would not be accountable for seeing others, down to having me move out on pretense of a “trial separation to work on our marriage.” He knew the court would consider this date to be the end of our marriage (rather than two years later as he strung me along with his lies and false behavior, while securing his new appliance). Wrapping my head around the realization that the time I had spent with this man, basically my whole adult life, he never ever was the person I envisioned him to be and that he is what nightmares are made of.

    Fast forward six years from our divorce and nine years from DDay. After seeing he and wife (married as soon as our divorce finalized) at our child’s wedding, I was surprised at how unhealthy he looked. He and his wife kept to themselves and I felt relieved and glad I wasn’t the one married to him. He actually plagiarized a part of the father of the bride speech from another of our children’s wedding, that created a big kibble payoff. Nope, he hasn’t changed a bit but I definitely have!

  • I filed. I pick me danced and smoked hopium for three years after D-Day, but life with him never changed–in fact it got worse. Because of what I read here I finally wised up and visited a lawyer, secretly, paying for it out of my money so he never knew or suspected.

    When one night he said to me, in his “I am the one who makes the decisions from on high” tone, that he “didn’t see any way out of this other than divorce,” I whirled around and said, “Good. Because that’s what I want. And I’ve already seen a lawyer.” The look on his face was pure gold: he was absolutely astounded that I could have done it, and done it in secret (despite his years of keeping secret from me his sexual orientation and behavior with an ex-student).

    He wanted an “amicable” divorce (we not only had a colleague who was engaged in a nasty contested one and was losing a lot of his assets but he wanted to keep secret his sexual orientation and his relationship with the ex-student) so he didn’t hire himself a lawyer, but tried to tell me what the division of assets would be. We agreed on the basic principles. Then he demanded we do mediation, because he thought it would be cheaper and “avoid lawyers altogether” (why would you not hire a lawyer, an expert, when you’re dealing with the law?), because he said that lawyers would only encourage conflict. I knew that in my state mediation was only for solving disagreements (or for custody), but he insisted, so I agreed.

    At the mediation session the mediator told him exactly what I did, and that we’d still have to hire a lawyer to file. When the mediator told him we couldn’t both use the same lawyer because that’s not how the process works in our state, he reared back his head and looked down his nose and said, “Well, if she hires the lawyer and the lawyer works for her, I don’t think I should pay for it,” to which I said, “Do you want an amicable divorce or not?” I also told him that if the lawyer was his I would be paying a lawyer to go over the settlement, and he could do the same if the lawyer were mine–his nightmare scenario of “two lawyers.”

    He finally agreed to go with my lawyer, but never contacted one of his own. When all the financials were in my lawyer had a serious talk with me about what I was entitled to, and although I gave him the house for several tens of thousands of dollars less than it was worth–I didn’t want to have to be the one to live in it and get it ready to sell, and I knew it needed a lot of repairs because I had been the one responsible for maintenance and repairs (he would only ok money being spent on either when there were serious problems)–I later asked for a small concession from his retirement account, an amount that was less than I was entitled to but small enough it wouldn’t be worth his financial while to contest it. He went ballistic, and accused me of waiting until right before the court date when he couldn’t get a lawyer, although he had had six months from the time we decided to divorce to look for one. He ended up with more than 50% of marital assets (because of the house), and still thinks he was hard done by.

    From my particular experience I would give this advice:

    Do it stealth. The element of surprise benefits you both psychologically and financially.

    Don’t wait, because divorce laws may change in your state while you’re pick me dancing and ankle deep in hopium. If I’d filed right after D-day, my state had fault divorce. By the time I did file, the law had changed to no fault. After 35 years of marriage, I wish I could have stipulated in court the reason we were divorcing.

    File first because it determines whether you set the terms and get to respond to any response from them.

    Don’t agree to your spouse’s ideas about how to split assets before your lawyer lays out what you’re entitled to by law.

    • One more point:

      During the divorce process, my now-ex sent me several sad sausage emails about “hoping how when we get through the hard part we can be friends” and “the only person who really knows how difficult it is to end a 35 year marriage is you, and I can’t talk to you about it”; I realize now he was trying to appeal to my sympathies–it had been an effective technique throughout our marriage–and manipulate me to into acquiescence with his terms.

      Don’t trust a thing they say. Trust that they suck. Grey rock, and make everything go through your lawyer.

  • I filed. It was very important to me that I be the one. I was so crushed, so humiliated, so desperate, that I needed something to hold on to in the future that spoke of my dignity. And it’s held true: I can always say (at least to myself) that I took control of my situation. If XW had been the one to file on top of her betrayal? I would have been in even more pain.

    Plus to be honest I was scared of her. She’d abruptly become a stranger when she was faced with consequences and became my enemy, accusing me of bizarrely untrue actions, outright lying… I can’t even begin. It was truly frightening how she turned on me as though I was the one who’d betrayed her, who’d lied, who’d moved out leaving our little ones to be with the AP. You know the script. Shocking stuff.

    XW did not want a divorce. Cake was awesome. I’d threatened divorce three times but when I finally went through with it and she was served? How DARE I!? All hell broke loose and a bitter, unnecessarily prolonged divorce commenced. Not my doing; she dragged it out to the final signature.

    In the end, threatens with a trial, she paid me a lump-sum spousal support in the form of her share of the sale of our home. She pays me some child support and I have the children at least 50%. Her paying me SS and CS infuriated her and still does even though it was/is paltry. Her AP financed much of her fees.

    If I had to do it over again? I suppose I would not have handed it over to lawyers. I am financially devastated. I make 80k a year but barely make the rent on a modest three bedroom. (I live in a very expensive area and stay for the kids and their friends, schools, etc.)

    But I felt that I had no choice as you all understand. Anyway, back to the point: I filed and I’m eternally glad u did, if only for essentially egotistical reasons. It was the one thing I could control at a time when my life was shattered.

    It kills me that XW will get a chunk of my retirement but it is what it is. (Can I appeal this?) When my kids are grown in five years my financial situation will improve: I can retire and relocate to a more affordable area.

    For those still in the trenches: I absolutely recommend YOU be the one to file. You will always be able to say “I divorced her/him,” not “we divorced” or worst, “He/She divorced me.” But of course what’s most important is that you extricate yourself from this abusive situation.

    Oh, by the way: eight years later she’s still with AP and they are miserable together. Unicornland didn’t last long (maybe a year?) and she wants her old life back. AP has no idea what a chump he is.

    What a fucking shitshow.

    • Amazing how angry and belligerent they get….the dick wanted a divorce,but he wanted to control every aspect of it. When he got served he freaked out! When he found out we found all his souvenirs he stopped calling me”miserable, unbalanced, and sacrificing our family with my anger”. I’m glad I was the one to file….he started to come unglued then. I know it, and perversely the devil in me does a little happy dance. Sorry, not sorry.

      • I know, right? The anger and belligerence. I also got the accusation that I am “unstable,” suffering from some mystery mental disorder that rendered me incapable of making sound decisions for our children. (She later retracted this bizarre declaration presumably realizing how laughable it was.) It was just astounding. Funny how the outrage and accusations coincide with the filing. Prior to this I was “the best thing that ever happened to her,” her “rock,” “the most wonderful husband…” (All in writing, mind you.) And then when Cake was taken away? Suddenly I was evil. Gah.

  • Yup, I did. After a few months of processing the shit sandwich that my life became with the revelations of hookers. He basically was waiting to see if I would, I think. Thought he could continue whatever covert and entitled behavior while maintaining the semblance of normalcy. I honestly think they bank on us not wanting to feel like we failed or not wanting to draw the negative attention or go through the unpleasant experience of a divorce (x100000 when children are involved, UGH). They get so much more out of us staying than we do because it’s not like they’re beholden to anyone either way.

  • She wanted a divorce, but wanted me to file? I declined thinking this would blowover again. But we agreed to split time at the house to preserve stability for kids. Within a month I discovered this was really about giving her play dates with fuckbuddy. I nicely moved all her clothes into garage and put a new lock on master bedroom door.
    She freaked. Kicked down door and trashed the room. All in front of son. I already retained attorney and when I showed him photos of damage he got a restraining order, temporary child support, wage garnishment, protection of assets, etc.
    Made her cry in court.
    She filed after that.

  • I had to file, he played victim even after admitting to going on a cruise with another woman. It was my fault the marriage failed. Tried to mediate the divorce, but he went full on grab for all the money, which I had saved. I was even threatened by the mediator that I could lose even more if I didn’t give him half my retirement. After all this, instead of signing the decree, he went to Hawaii with his new girlfriend. My lawyer had to have a judge sign off of the divorce. To this day, he thinks we are still married because he never signed the decree. So much crazy.

  • I have a nightly. Moment story. Exhole when confronted about his recent adulterous behavior was told by me that I was going to divorce him after months of a dragged out separation process. He said that was not what what we agreed to. At the time I was bald and sick from chemo. I told him that I did not agree to an open marriage in our vows and that I was going to make it real simple for him. Either we divorced through mediation or I would drag his ass to court and lay all his financial dealings bare. That’s all it took for him to comply. Yes he jerked me around with delay tactics but finally I am divorced, happy with my children in my own home with a good man for a boyfriend. And cancer free.

  • Mine just stopped coming home in January 2010. For 6 weeks he didn’t come home. No explanations, no nothing. I couldn’t have cared less at that point although I did notice “something” was missing but couldn’t put my finger on it. Eventually he rocks up with my kids (the bastard introduced my kids to the fat-ankled skank before having the decency to tell me – but I digress). So he tells me he is with fat-ankles now and “to expect divorce papers soon”. So I waited and waited and waited. In the meantime, we had always had our salaries put into one account. My account as it happened but totally explainable. He had power of attorney but it was my account in my name. Once I knew about fat ankles I told him to open his own account and have his salary paid into that, which he did. I expected him to still be decent and contribute to our joint account for the bills (and he did) but what I hadn’t expected was for him to still keep taking his “spending money” out of my account. I was an expat and had a grant for our kids’ schooling so at one time I had a lot of money in that account, before it was to be paid out to the school. He must have seen that and figured “hey, what the heck, I can spend that” and when I saw the amounts he was pulling out of my kids’ education grant account I just flipped. He hadn’t filed at that point, despite “threatening” that he would, so I had him blocked from all access to that account, compiled a list of all his “schmoopie expenditures” and sent it to him at work (not knowing that others could see it too, and took on UBS Bank, Switzerland, to get the schmoopie expenditures back (and won). And then I filed despite him saying that he would be doing it.

    But my favourite CN story has always been the lady who had her cheating asshole served in the hotel where he was staying with his schmoopie and he was furious. I can’t remember who it was, but lady I love you.

  • Hey Guys! Today is my official divorce day (90 day waiting period). Due to Covid there is no hearing, but the judge will sign off on the paperwork and I will be checking the computer all day for the divorce decree so that I may drop his ass off my dental and health insurance. I left, got my own place, and I filed. I found out on Christmas day and it is almost exactly five months from d-day. It has been very emotional, difficult, and a complete mindfuck (We have a kid together) but I feel pretty mighty today. I made it to the other side of fear. Thank god for Chump Nation!

  • She cheated. I filed. I stayed in the house with the kids. She moved out.

    When I filed the lady clerk at the courthouse said I was the first guy she saw filing in two to three years. Otherwise, all women filing.

  • After 10 years of dealing with infidelity, angry silent treatment, and emotional and financial abuse, I was the bad guy for finally giving up on our marriage. He told me several times that I was, because he “would never have left me.”

    I filed. I did all the work. I paid for it. He got angry because he didn’t get free copies of the finalized papers. Then he didn’t even move himself out. He left for his mother’s house, and I was left to pack all his stuff for him, because it was just too stressful for him to do, poor dear. That was our marriage in a nutshell – anything that was even a tiny bit uncomfortable or difficult was automatically my job.

    He sold his wedding ring, that I bought for him in hope and love, and gave the money to his twenty-years-younger-than-him girlfriend so that she could buy a ring for her fiancé, who was not him. Could the whole situation have been any more ridiculous?

    But sure. I’m a villain.

  • I filed. My ex told me he wanted a divorce after I caught him a 2nd time cheating, but did nothing about it. The whole process was a nightmare, and he gave me a hard time with negotiations. It took 20 months to get the papers signed, and he is now on girlfriend #4, who was married and having an affair with him, and he demanded she get a divorce or he was breaking up with her. Lol
    So glad I got off the roller coaster! Lol

  • She abandoned me for the cheater, but I was the one who filed.
    We had to wait a year of separation to actually file, and I did so the exact day.
    She refused to sign the papers, so the judge just ruled us divorced.
    I guess I was “lucky” in this regard.

  • Well, technically, I went to the lawyer to file first. The damn lawyer dropped the ball on my case (did not seem as interested in my stuff because I was on a plan through work that sent work to them at a certain rate). So, I had the father-in-law inform the fuckwit that I had gone on MLK Day to file for divorce–I’m in no contact with said fuckwit. Weeks go by, and he does not get served anything. I call to find out what’s holding things up, and get told the paralegal had been out sick. Meanwhile, the hubby calls the lawyer’s office that did our divorce and asks where the paperwork is, and they tell him I do not have an open case with them. So, he then goes to file for divorce. His lawyer jumps on the ball. I get a call from that office about paperwork. I told my lawyer guy that I was not happy that I did not get my case filed first. It was important to me. He acts like it is no big deal I reiterate that it mattered to me. So, I have a fuckwit ex to get rid of, and my lawyer is a fuckwit. This ought to be interesting. Keep your fingers crossed that the family court date goes through in June for me. I plan to celebrate my freedom.

  • I did absolutely everything. He signed exactly one piece of paper, confirming he’d been served. I filed, I arranged for him to be served by officer, I scheduled the court date, I appeared before the judge, I mailed his copy of the divorce decree. When the judge asked me if anything was preventing my spouse from appearing, I answered politely, succinctly, “If he’d wanted to be here, he would be, Your Honor.”

    I cried every step of the way, but I did it anyway. If you’re afraid to do it like I was, if it burns in you how unfair it is like it did for me, don’t let it stop you. It’s always scary and it’s always unfair, but it needs to be done all the same.

  • I didn’t have to divorce Jackass. He discarded me while he could still pretend he was my friend.

    But just a reminder: If you have had a D-Day, and you are still married, still living with the cheater, you need to be protecting yourself financially. Part of agreeing to stay should be preparing to leave! Instead of getting involved in hysterical bonding, trying desperately to please the cheater, test the cheater’s resolve to make things right by arranging your family’s financial life to protect YOU and your kids. That way if you have to leave or if he walks, you will not be in worse shape than you are now. Because many times, “reconciliation” is just a space for the cheater to get HIS ducks in a row to leave or to continue the affair.

    That means running a credit check on both of you to see what credit accounts the cheater may have opened that you don’t know about. That means knowing where ALL the money is and having copies of documents and photos of account numbers, etc. That means putting your own paycheck in a separate checking account and paying your share out of that (and not more than your share). That means securing your personal valuables (jewelry, family heirlooms, etc.). That means securing personal documents that belong to you and the kids.

    That means looking carefully at the family budget and looking clearly at where you stand. That means figuring out what is sustainable for you if you separate. That means if you decide to stay married for the moment, you need to imagine how everything you do will make life better for YOU if you end up leaving. That is, if you are in debt, does it make sense to consolidate that debt and to put in place a budget that improves your situation? If you are in good financial shape, how much of this money is accessible to you now? If you stay, does it make sense NOW to divide up assets in case he/she cheats again? If he/she wants you to stay, can you get a post-nuptial that protects your pension? That lays out what spending was done on the affair? Can you take the equivalent and put it aside as YOUR emergency fund?

    Have you assessed any home repairs or appliances replacement you will need so you can plan for that? Are you starting to add gift cards to your shopping trips so you can put aside some cash equivalents for necessities (grocery cards, Kohl’s, Home Depot, etc.)? Is your car in good shape? If you need a new one, is it time to finance it while you are still married to get a better credit rate? If the car is OK, but you need tires, get them now. If the battery is old, replace it. Anything you might need to take care of in the next 18 months, do it now.

    What would you need to do to make your house salable? Get a real estate agent to give you an idea of the value of the house in the current market and then watch Zillow or other sites to see if the market goes up or down. Figure out how much equity you have.

    If you are going to need to enter the job market, engage your network. You’ll need a new resume, an updated LinkedIn page. Start contacting people who can help you get back into the labor market. This kind of stuff would be terrible to do if you were in the middle of the next D-Day or a discard. So prepare yourself NOW. Assume you are already on your own because the person supposed to be your partner is a traitor. Go ahead and chase the unicorn if you need to. But run on parallel tracks. Try to save your marriage? OK. But the WAY to save it is to show the cheater that you mean to protect yourself, that your eyes are open, that you aren’t a financial chump.

  • PS, reading this over, I notice the male pronouns. Obviously, not all financially abusive cheaters are male. So sorry for not using “they.” I think I was just putting myself in the situation and writing from there…

    • LAJ don’t apologize for that wonderful and thoughtful checklist–I’m sure no one was offended, just enlightened. Thank you!

  • I filed. I discovered, I discovered again and then again. I kicked him out after D-day #4. He kept telling me that he not once thought about leaving me, about divorcing me. That this is where he wanted to be and yet….. I filed 15 months ago. He keeps dragging it out. Typical ostrich with his head in the sand. Did the same in marriage counseling. Didn’t want to talk about actions, choices and consequences. Court date is supposed to be at the end of next month. Crossing fingers. 27 years together, 22 married, definitely don’t want it to be 23. He has now moved on to another woman, different than his AP. I’m guessing it’s still going on to the new woman’s ignorance. No longer my problem. Recently figured out that after D-day #3 when he came crawling back promising the moon that it was all an act. People were told at that time and he needed to do some serious image management. Pretty sure his plan was to string me along for months and then tell people that I ended it but he “tried”. Too bad for him that I discovered it again, kicked him out and foiled his plan. I never knew people could be so conniving and deceptive.

  • He filed, after I finally threw him out (after 9 years of “trying to make it work” ) Stupid me used the same attorney, since we were uncontested and had everything worked out, it was cheaper but he didn’t tell me things I needed to do in order to get his half of retirement that I was getting (imagine that) and it was delayed two months and I missed out on $2,000. I complained to the attorney and he gave me a refund for the cost of filing the paperwork to the state and the money I spent sending it overnight mail!

    I am sure he tells people he tired to make it work and I just threw him out, funny through he married his howorker a year after divorce was final and had moved in with her two days after I threw him out. Right after we filed she filed on her husband, but yea, he was trying to save the marriage. they are POS!

  • Even though on DDay she told me she wanted both divorce and a Catholic annulment so that she could marry her much older, married affair partner, I had to both file for the divorce and petition for the Decree of Nullity. She neither showed up to court for the divorce hearing, nor did she participate or respond to the petition for annulment. Yet, she tried to blame me for “ending the marriage”.

  • I didn’t file. My feeling was that he wanted the divorce, he was engaged in the affair, and it was indicative of someone who never finished things properly and always got their way. So he was going to finish what he started this time.

    I did, however, lawyer up about a week after he suddenly left and I discovered the affair. The marriage was over and he wasn’t welcome home. But I felt strongly that it wasn’t my job to roll over and make this easy for him. I needed time to figure out what I was going to (finances, job, etc). He had already moved on and didn’t think twice about my life.

    But I understood my rights, created a strategy with my attorney, and was ready to file for an emergency hearing if necessary. It took a lot of patience through uncertainty.

    To be clear, our finances were not combined and we had no children. He abandoned the marriage (literally), but the house was in his name only, so he was obligated to take care of the mortgage.

    This was a deliberate decision made on principle. I just felt strongly that I honored my vows and he could shoulder the proceedings and do the dirty work for once.

    Eventually, I grew tired of his dickering with the negotiations. It really had nothing to do with the furniture and everything to do with keeping me, his mistress, and parents in limbo. I didn’t confront him about the affair until the end of negotiations (we were only speaking through our lawyers at my direction) and I had enough. Through my attorney, I communicated he had a choice—get his act together, figure out the “fair” in fair settlement, and file for the divorce—or I would sue him for abandonment and adultery.

    I did what was right for me, but I don’t recommend this for others.

  • I filed. Like Thrive, it took me 5 months after D-Day to be barely emotionally able to do so. Found out he had secret life. He arranged couples counseling (“takes two to tango” bullshit) for several months, retained lawyer 2 months after D-Day (thanks CN), then filed. So glad I filed that early. We used a mediator and it went smoothly. Came to settlement in one day. Had to wait for mandated amount of time then it was over. 30 years of lies. Divorced for 6 months now. I still struggle with anxiety, but I bought my house, moved to home state, and trying to thrive. I’ll get there but it is taking too long to get back to my true self. I finally went no contact last month. He still wants to talk on phone, but my nerves can’t take it.

    • It takes a while to grieve the loss of the illusion. 6 months is pretty early to feel mighty after ending a 30 year marriage. The healing time is different for each of us.
      Keep up the NC!! Do not talk to him or about him. I wouldn’t even allow someone else to speak of X to me. I thought of him as being dead. I knew that abusive cheaters get worse with age, so I trusted that X would treat subsequent women very badly. I simply trusted that he sucked and that he would continue screwing up his life.
      Try to be patient with yourself. One day you will look back on this time as being necessary for your healing. Divorce is extremely painful, no matter the circumstances.

    • im 3+ yrs out and still have my moments. think i started feeling 2 yrs out. be kind to your self. be very kind to yourself! do only things that make YOU happy. this is hard to grasp and get comfortable with-making ourselves happy. hugs

    • Hey NotCrazy give yourself time to grieve and take it slowly. We chumps invest heavily so need a lot of gentle and safe recovery time. We need to find our balance and get to know ourselves in our new lives without abusive partners tearing us down and gaslighting us at every turn. I am still working on the horrid hypercritical selftalk that 15 years of abuse sowed in my head. I’m 3 years post sep 2 post divorce from a 25 year marriage, and going from occasional contact to strict No Contact (about a year ago – we had shared custody of youngest son) was the time I really started to get him and his cruelty out of my head. My son came to live with me fulltime and blocking all communication platforms to ex was a freeing feeling. You will get there, and you will start to enjoy the journey!

    • Yes to the anxiety. Never had it before. Now 4 years out from DDay? And it still pops up. The gift that keeps on giving.

  • My cheater ex thought we would skip together to the court house and file together for divorce. I said, “What?” “You want the divorce! “You blew up this family!” “You pay and file by yourself!”

    Felt so good to tell that dick to adult!

  • I filed because the EX is just not at all capable of adulting. I definitely had the role of “Chaos Janitor.” He literally went on a Caribbean cruise and failed to show up to court.

  • I should probably change my username to Super Chump. Before admitting to the affair with a married coworker. She moved in with our oldest daughter’s friend & boyfriend for a few months because she was thinking about ending our marriage. She moved back and a few months later finally admitted to the affair. I forgave her and she said she wanted to work on the marriage and cut all ties with him. I caught her lying about seeing him (hence Fooled me Twice). Few days later she sent me a text while I was working that she was moving out again leaving me with our 2 teenagers (boy & girl), so I filed for Support and after I was awarded support She Filed for Divorce. Only after her money was involved did she really show some True emotions. Our unemployed, depressed, suicidal 21yo son lives with me and I Still let her come and stay in my home to visit him (hence Super Chump).

  • D day was Friday, 14th July 2017.

    I was in my solicitor’s office the following Monday.

    He refused to admit his adultery with his rat faced whore, (Nothing happened! I’m not going to admit to something I didn’t do!) I pointed out I had read his texts to his (only) male ‘friend’, he said, ” nothing happened! It was just lad’s banter!”

    My solicitor advised me to drop the adultery, since he refused to admit to it, it would make the divorce longer and more expensive, and to go with unreasonable behaviour, citing the facts that the rat faced whore was living with him in the flat he’d supposedly rented for us, (“she’s just my lodger!”) all the gifts he’d given her, etc, etc, etc.

    Then followed *months* of spitefully obstructive behaviour; he didn’t instruct a solicitor, ignored *every* letter my solicitor sent, including three cease and desist letters, (I went total NC from the go) because he kept phoning, texting, and even turned up at my home at 9pm, demanding to prop up the veranda roof (it was snowing). I had to get the police involved who visited and sent him a letter telling him he was abusive, and if he tried to contact me again, he would be arrested. That stopped it, thank God.

    He wouldn’t sign anything, eventually I had to pay to get him served – done on Valentine’s day, and the rat faced whore opened the door to the process server!

    The PS said he looked shocked and angry, (fucktard probably thought if he just kept ignoring everything it would all just go away ????????). And I bet he was furious with the skank! ????????

    I asked the PS if he thought the skank looked like a rat, he said, “more like a gerbil with specs, actually.” ????

    He refused to sign the sales agreement for our home for *months*. He finally got himself a solicitor, who must have advised him to sign, then had the gall to complain the price was too low, after I had missed an opportunity to sell at a higher price because the fucker wouldn’t sign.

    He ignored the mediation request. We went to Court eventually, and the Judge awarded *me* the entire proceeds of the sale, plus contents. He also awarded me costs, which of course the scumbag didn’t pay.

    But it’s now 15 months since the Decree Absolute, and although I’m not yet at meh, (still too angry) I am so, so glad I’m away from that cheating liar!

    • Oh yes, the moron refused his solicitor’s advice (I think) and turned up at the final hearing with a *barrister* he had to pay £800 for. The Judge still awarded me everything. ????????????

  • I was abandoned. He future-faked me right up to the day I went on a business trip and then he packed his shit and left. Married 28 years. I got an e-mail from him letting me know my marriage was over.

    OW is a 26YO ho-worker our daughter’s age.

    In that e-mail he suggested getting a divorce online but did not move to file nor did he make any other adult arrangements. Since our net worth was significant the idea that we would do anything online was a total joke and simply a way for him to avoid dealing with it. So as usual I managed our lives including filing for divorce along with the disposal of all of our possessions and the house. He never got a lawyer and just signed the paper. We were done within 6 months of abandonment and he never lifted a finger.

    He is a coward. He lied and hid from me for three decades. In the end blamed me for the destruction of the marriage despite an OW#1 9 years earlier that I had pick me danced against and ‘won’ when she walked away.

    I had a long marriage being completely devalued ended by a sudden, brutal discard from that covert narcissist. Classic.

    This is standard procedure for cheaters. They always demand that we are the clowns scooping up behind their parade of shit.

  • He asked for the divorce.

    We started mediation before filing. The mediator asked us who wanted to do the filing. I told the X he should be the petitioner because he had the affair and he asked for the divorce.

    It’s not a point I really cared about, I’m an Uber Virgo and maybe having all the marriage-ending actions on him felt neatly organized to me!

    • I, too, am an uber Virgo…I refused to have anything stating that I wanted the divorce. It was all on him. His cheating. His dissolution of the marriage. But, I also knew he would not drag out the divorce…he had schmoopie waiting in the wings and he had to secure his claim on her before she left or someone else claimed her.

  • Oh definitely. He was always the man-child never taking responsibility for anything, so even though he told me our marriage was over, and he knew I couldn’t accept him having a girlfriend, he was shocked I’d filed for divorce. We didn’t need to make it official! Of course he was financially abusing me so that shouldn’t have been a surprise. What was a surprise was that his parents never officially got a divorce before they both remarried, causing a huge issue when his father’s new bride discovered her marriage was invalid. He judged his dad hard for that, of course. Chip off the old block, unfortunately.

    I filed, I did all the footwork, and he still complained. He’s a lazy good for nothing manchild and still is. I’m married to a real man now who takes care of his own stuff and it is like night and day the difference. Oh yeah, and also none of the cheating.

    If he never took a stand, never expressed any opinions, or did any actions, he felt he could never be blamed and could be the eternal victim. Well, eternal victimhood approaching his 50s isn’t terribly attractive.

    They like cake, and they like not ever having to take responsibility for decisions. I’m always the one who divorced him, and to be honest, I’m happy to say it now. I won’t stand for that treatment anymore.

  • Mine found a “soulmate” 13 yrs younger, childless schmoopie 4 weeks into our marriage counseling sessions. That was the November. I booted him by Christmas & he pretended to lodge with a neighbour while he was shacked up with schmoopie. He took her away to a 5* spa hotel the weekend of MY birthday the following month, dragged out the legal separation for six months, and refused to give me divorce by mutual consent in Switzerland – forcing me to wait another year and a half before I could file. Fortunately I’d discovered Chump Nation by then and was not prepared to pick me dance for that amount of time .. so
    I filed from the UK citing his (very) unreasonable behaviour. Surprise, cheaterpants!
    He was not pleased.
    So displeased that it’s now two and a half years post D-day and the divorce still isn’t final!

  • Textbook cheater put no effort into a divorce. I do think he liked the status quo. He didn’t want to face the cost of a divorce and he expressed serious concerns about her suitability as a long-term partner, noting that she had some major issues. “It’s dark.” When I expressed shock that he would blow everything up for a woman with a recent substance abuse history, no financial security, and older (??) than me, he said, cheekily, “The next one’ll be younger,” with an out-of-character wink. He was sooooo high on dopamine. I didn’t recognize him.
    He was so uncharacteristically confident, as well. He said we should use a mediator to save money–this was his biggest concern. Just a total cheater cliché. Said we should try to work without lawyers because they would cost a lot. So I filed on my own (on my birthday–new life!), because why shouldn’t I do all the work while he fucked around.
    Then I got a letter from the lying, cheating fucker’s attorney. And it was game on. After all his bullshit, I could not believe his underhanded deceit and continued betrayal. But, I mean, fool me twice and shame on me, right?
    Best money ever spent was on that divorce.
    Don’t let the cheater take control. Get an attorney in your corner. Chumps are chumpy. We need someone who doesn’t give a rat’s ass about the cheater’s manipulations and who can cut through the bullshit. Just remember that the attorney is not your therapist.
    Get everything you can, balanced by getting the hell out and moving on.

    • Bingo. I recognize that I was able to go from a state of oblivion to a pure, organized fury within a week of abandonment because I wanted to wrestle control back to my world. The cheater Asshat had unilaterally made the decision to blow up my life and I was crushed. My life was over as I had known it but I was going to beat this crisis to the ground and gain back some control. Looking back I am really impressed that I was able to function at all but I was truly the field marshal Tracy describes.

      Doing so was very powerful, incredibly difficult, but absolutely necessary.

      • There is something so empowering about adrenaline and anger. Especially when you’re working against someone high on fake love. It’s so hard to accept, but that’s the point of this column. TAKE CONTROL FAST. One foot in front of the other. Don’t let fear and sadness weigh you down. Keep moving. It’s therapeutic, actually. You can cry when it’s over. (I didn’t. I was numb.)

  • My cheater moved out and I contacted an attorney the next day. When he received the paperwork his response was, “I don’t want a divorce, I thought if anything we could just legally separate. I didn’t believe you were actually going to file for divorce.” I found filing and cleaning up the mess gave me the advantage as he was clueless and I moved quickly and stealthy. This also gave me peace of mind that all things were handled honestly and fairly. It also sped up the court proceedings and not only gave me the upper-hand, but I was always two steps ahead of him.

    • I took the dog and moved to another State all in a glorious liberating swoop. He never even checked to see if I was alive after I left. He may not have noticed I’d left. He was deep into pussy one year younger than our marriage and deeply involved with his Howorker too. The man was busy.

      I filed and now I cannot wait to get my divorce decree suitable for framing. I’m slapping that sucker on the wall and lighting candles under it to thank all my lucky stars that I finally left his cheating ass and am free of a fuckwit.

  • We were married 29 years. We both had serious health scares, so we decided to retire early. I had breast cancer & double mastectomy. He had a heart attack and emergency bypass surgery and another heart attack four months later. (I now believe his heart attacks were caused by the stress of his double life.) I was by his side through all of it. Stayed with him at the hospital for a week. Dispensing his meds, making his heart-healthy meals and putting up with his surliness throughout.

    Shortly after I retired from my 29 career at the same company, we started a major renovation on our kitchen. He insisted on doing all the planning and work himself, with friends. After the renovation started, I needed to travel out of state to care for my mother following her knee replacement surgery. I was to be gone for 5 weeks, with him flying out for a visit. He promised that the kitchen would be done by the time I got back.

    I was gone a week. My mother had just had her surgery. He called me and informed me he’d moved out of the house. Said he’d been unhappy for years, there was no one else. I was completely blindsided! Turns out he’d liquidated one of our retirement accounts and set up house with a foreign massage parlor whore who barely speaks English. He left the kitchen for me to finish.

    I was retired for 2 months. Unable to return to my previous position. I’d already been replaced. Fortunately, I have a new job. Making less money, but less stressful.

    Even after all this came to light, he said he didn’t want a divorce and didn’t believe me when I said I was filing as soon as I got home. I retained a lawyer from my mom’s house and filed the day after I got home. He didn’t hire a lawyer. He didn’t really fight me on anything. I got the house and most of the contents, kept my 401k. He keeps his pension, but I retain survivor rights. There was no way in hell I was going to let that whore get that pension!

    He’s already married her, the fool. Ink on our divorce is barely dry. She probably doesn’t know she won’t get that pension. I wish I could laugh in her face! I have no doubt they are miserable together during this quarantine. Can’t imagine what he could have in common with her, besides the sex. And now that she has that piece of paper that will probably slow WAAAY down. He deserves what he gets. And so does she. I’m sure she’s already realized she hasn’t won any great prize.

  • He left us, throwing out all those lines about not being in love. I smelt a rat from day 1 and once he had left and I had decided I’m done with this, that’s when I started hearing about the affair from others.
    I didn’t get the right to divorce in my country, so I told him I won’t suffer anymore and that I want him to divorce me. Took me 8 months to get him to file. He lost his mind when he realized I really mean it…it was a rough eight months of finding out more and more stuff from third parties. But once I had made the decision, I never once begged him to tell me why. I never broke down in front of him. I never asked him for closure. His father called me and asked me to reconcile I told him you or your son can’t give me any guarantees of future commitment because the past track record is absolutely trash. The day I got divorced and got the papers, I was queasy all day but felt relieved also. I thanked him for releasing me. Once a woman is done she is done. Cake is finished, buffet is closed, I walked away with my feet not matching my heart but my head was held high.

  • I filed. After we signed, he came over to get the last of his stuff out of the house. He looked at my daughter sadly and said, “Your mom has destroyed our family. I wanted to tear up the divorce papers, but she would not.” He then pulled my then 16 yo son aside and said that it was a shame our family blew up over porn use. He wanted to be sure my son didn’t feel shame if he ever looked at porn because just about every person looks at porn at one time or another. It was sad that I was overly sensitive to porn.
    Even under duress he’s always working the impression management. And my kids have since learned about his affairs, his men seeking men Craiglist hookups in hotels, his secret email and burner phone, his secret bank account, the video cameras he installed to alert him when I pulled into the garage etc etc…..
    The kids are no contact with their dad 4 years later and actually laugh about the bullshit he said to them that day. Such minimization and partial
    (microscopically partial) truth.

  • Cheater filed for divorce after dropping my daughter and I like a hot potato. XH dropped the bomb and left. Moved the AP in with him. I got served papers. We got divorced. Ink barely dried on the decree and they got married.

    Now they are each other’s problem.

  • In my country we have three seperate laws to work through.

    Births deaths and marriages (divorce)
    Care of children
    Relationship property

    We have to be separated for two years before we can divorce.
    We have one year after settling on property to divorce. I need to check with my lawyer what happens to property if we divorce and property isn’t settled in time because that’s what I’m contemplating right now.
    I sorted the care of children out (my initiation) after a second OW reached out to connect her own dots and I found out about his raging meth habit and sex dungeon in his shed. That was 6 months after D Day. Mediation initiated by me. Parenting order the results. Up to four hair follicle tests a year, at my cost. He can do the same to me. But he knows I don’t do meth so doubt he’d waste the $400 it takes for a test.
    I started property settlement 2 months after D Day. I will pay him out well into 6 figures. That was nearly two years ago. It’s cost me over 10k to do this so far. And we are no closer to settlement because he is stonewalling it. He thinks he is entitled to more, seems to think our tiny house is worth more and the family business he runs and I get no say in is worth less. I’ve had it valued. It’s a standard formula (EPBITDA x industry multiplier). It’s not rocket science.
    It’s been 6 months since my lawyer has heard from his lawyer. Last action on him. He said he would get both valued after Christmas. As that will cost him 3k (I know cos I’ve done both already) I know he’s not planning either activity. I live in the home and pay all costs. He pays for his rental.

    So now I’m ready to divorce in 2 months time and I can’t because haven’t settled on property.

    And now the covid thing means our house might decrease in value by 10-30%. As I’m paying him out this could be a good thing. If we delay settlement. Could be a bad thing if we settle now and I get over leveraged. So I wait. I’ve turned every foul move he’s made into a gift for me. I see no reason why this might not be a gift either. Except my retirement plan (half to him, he has none) might go same way as house value. I need that to draw down and afford to take on the home. I’m sure it will still be a gift somehow because that’s how this whole mindfuck has rolled. I’m winning while waiting but I’m pretty over it for sure.

    It took me 6 months after the last DDay to get him to leave, with a second all the evidence I needed D Day 6 months later. They were about D Day 6 and 7 after 7 years of pick me dancing and kibbles plus babies plus wedding.

    I recently saw OW1 speeding away from his house as I dropped the kids there for his week. 2 years out (and they were 3 years in by the time I confirmed their affair, suspected and confronted the whole time, always denied and love bombed back on me). For whatever reason she remains in hiding. For whatever reason he’s still triangulating her and me. I really couldn’t care less I just want him out of my life but have to pay handsomely to do so.

    So I wait. His Mr Nice Guy act over covid lockdown suggests he still thinks I’m an option or he’s taken his dungeon to next level. I suspect it’s the latter. His Mr Nice Guy act was always a cover for some dark shit. I wouldn’t be surprised if he thinks the former too. He always comes back.

    I need to build a room for my son. I’ll spend $5-10k of my money to do so. It’s urgent. That improvement could add $50k value to the house. That he’ll then get half of. So I need to time all of this mindfuckery with a bloated family court system to file for settlement. He doesn’t think I’ll go down the court route. Neither do I but I damn well will to pull this all together. I’m taking advantage of his stonewalling to save. The last year trying to settle killed me financially. But I’m back and waiting it out. I’ve always been lucky. But luck is just a solid but flexible plan, and good timing. So I wait. And save. For court. I’m sure once that’s done the kids will live with me full time as well. They are already murmuring about that. So I wait. I just want him gone.

  • I filed. We would still be married if I didn’t. Holy smokes the thought just sent a shudder through me.

  • He told me he wanted a divorce then went to an attorney and picked up some papers. Asked me to help him fill them out via text. I was too dumbfounded to reply. He tried doing handshake deals and while I was devastated I’m not stupid so I said no. He moved out 3 days later. I panicked and hired an attorney. She said I needed temporary support since he’s the breadwinner. Like the super nice guy that he is he started paying me and chump me cancelled the hearing. My gut said there was someone else but I ignored it.

    7 months later I find out about the OW. Filed the next day.

    I think he wanted a divorce but when he found out how much work/expense it would he stopped. I believe he would have just stayed separated until he was ready to remarry which could take years. He just got served a couple of months ago and while we are no contact I’m getting signs from the kids that he’s angry. Poor baby.

  • I filed after d-day 2. I found out about the 2nd d-day when our baby was 6 months old, I actually think it might have been going on while I was pregnant. He is one of those who has to appear to be a good guy. I went to a lawyer and got him to agree to a mutual divorce, me having full custody and him paying child support all in the same filing. It was far from mutual but at that point I just wanted the fastest divlrce possible. He never saw a lawyer. Even the night before the hearing he asked me if we were doing the right thing. As if it was a joint decision. We live in different countries, i filed while I was visiting him with the baby for 3 months. I really don’t think he thought I would go through with it. He knew how invested I was and how I believed in marriage but I knew I had nothing to work with anymore. He basically has his 2nd affair while I was in my home country struggling with a new born baby. His AP was from Germany, he is from the US and i live in the UK. He flew to Germany for a few days at Easter to be with her, while I’m with a 4 month old in the UK. I could never get over him actually flying over my country while I’m there with our baby. He chose her over his own child. That was the thing that kept me going for the divorce, I knew it was the only option left

  • I filed. He didn’t want a divorce. He said he wanted to date her without pressure and wanted more time to decide after the last time I caught him. This was after three years of cheating and me catching him seven times and doing the pick me dance. When I filed he said he wanted the divorce to move slowly so he could have more time to choose and he was angry I made him leave without giving him time to find a place. Why the rush?

  • After the first D-Day, he said “I had an affair so that YOU would have a reason to file for divorce”. I had papers ready to serve 90 days after discovery to be delivered on our 28th anniversary. But I thought he was a unicorn and gave him a second chance. Looking back, I didn’t really believe he had an affair, but it was an accident…he just could not help himself., he was having a mid-life crisis. After the second D-day, in front of the judge he said “But, I didn’t want a divorce/dissolution”. Best of all I got to pay the $250 filing fee to get the dissolution started. Money well spent.

  • I filed. Of course I filed. That’s how it works with people like that.

    I have several online friends who told their cheater husbands that they needed to be the one to file. So many. Cheaters won’t do it. Even if they have moved to another city and are living with the other woman they won’t file. It’s insane.

  • I was blindsided by divorce papers 2 weeks after he told me “I can’t do this anymore ” he was having the affair but still living at home. He left soon after because he didn’t want to “deal with constant questions ” about why, where are you going etc.

    We were together 16 years and divorced in 6 months. He was with her, his 23 year old coworker and living at her apartment within weeks of leaving us. He was 36 at the time.

    My son was 2 crying in the night for his father. He didn’t even care at all until he wanted joint custody thinking he wouldn’t have to pay child support.

  • It was my absolute pleasure to have him served at our family home. Over 3 decades of shit sandwiches and multiple Ddays, I had my “Ah Ha Moment” discovering he had been addicted to porn since he was 10 years old. Damn, I snapped and regretted I had stayed with mr. wonderful for all these years believing he loved me. When I told him his charade was UP, he did the usual poor sausage behaviors, professing his love for me and promising he would get help for the “addiction” (which I dont believe is an addiction”. He had an out of town job for a month so I had pelent of time to do my homework. On a planned day with my attorney, there was a knock at the door that he answered, He was furious ….. from then on the war ws on. it was a year to divorce him and Imve been free from his toxic behavior LIES LIES and serial cheating.

    On a funny note after the divorce was final and he came to get his shit, he asked me if he could have the can opener ( the manual one). WTH!! He put me threw HELL divorcing him, I dislike everything about him and dont care what happens to him. Sad thing is our 3 adult kids have had to live with knowing who and what he is and what he did. They dont understand (or care) that I stayed for them and also didnt know about the double life. DIVORCE sucks but it worse to stay with a fuckit.
    My choice finally came down to save myself or save myself ……. Im in the land of MEH (4.5 years) One day I need to get one of those coffee mugs;. Thanks CL/CN you were a life saver for me ….. Peace

  • I reported to the police, filed for a 4 year restraining order (injunction), and filed for divorce the same day of his last assault of me. He was served the divorce papers by a sheriff deputy while IN JAIL!!!! I chose life that day— my life.

  • I’m one of the 9 out of 10 too.

    First the ex said we could just carry on as we’d been (with him moved out, and now openly dating his AP and me stuck at home with twin toddlers), no need for a divorce. And he wasn’t living there anymore so he shouldn’t have to share my rent anymore. Maybe we could just get an apartment and trade from one week to the next who lived in our house with the kids.

    When I resisted (because that was ridiculous) he went silent on the matter. I proceeded (in agony) to start the divorce process because him just ceasing to financially support us was untenable.

    When I told him I’d filed for divorce he was utterly shocked, said he was devastated. (Um, dude, you are sleeping openly with another woman, what did you EXPECT??? Isn’t this what you WANT???). He rocketed back for wreckonciliation. Lasted 6 days before he boomeranged back to her. Saying “I kind of hope it doesn’t work out with her because I miss being home.”

    So I filed. Which felt like biting off my own arm, it was excruciating to take that step. Had him pick up the papers from my lawyer’s. He was TOTALLY MAD. Because the papers included my statement of what had happened that year…which wasn’t too flattering to him.

    Crazy. He wants out but I have to do all the heavy lifting getting the divorce. Two straight years of effort and him dragging his feet, until I had to force it to court to get it completed.

    Ug. Good riddance.

  • Yup, had to file. Wish I had done it right after DDay, but I did not. I was scared, an at home mom, and loved my husband.

    As all the lies and deceit have been uncovered it has been an absolute nightmare.

    Lies, lies, and more lies.

    If I could give anyone advice. file immediately with a pit bull lawyer. You don’t have to divorce if there is true hope and a unicorn, but if not, you have protected yourself. You can also get remarried if you can work it out is my philosophy. Although, I have finally come to believe that once a cheater always a cheater. Also, gals out there who are reading this and not yet married, if either one of your future spouses parent’s are cheaters please run for your lives. The apple never falls far from the tree.

    He stole almost everything….so please take care of yourself and be careful. When they cheat they are no longer your champion, friend, or lover. They are liars to be viewed with extreme suspicion. They don’t care.

    I also learned that rejection is my protection. He is a narc, probably a sociopath….I am running fast, and running far.

    • You don’t mean to say that all our kids will turn out cheaters, I’m sure? There ptobably is more risk. As far as I know there was no cheating between Stbxh’s parents. And my daughter is super loyal and honest person..

      • All my friends whose dealt with a cheating parent seem more likely to NOT cheat-they had to witness and live through that pain and hate what it did. Don’t know what that stats are but that’s what I know in real life.

  • I arranged mediation then filed. Taking control was important for me when everything else was so out of control.

    He kept saying all the way through mediation he felt there was no need for a solicitor. After the mediation agreement was settled he tried to change it when he realised life with Schmoops wasn’t cheap. Thankfully I had the sense to have hired a solicitor regardless of what he said who made him sign a court order.

    He delayed constantly to the point that we had to threaten him with court action. I don’t get it. He made a huge effort to point out reasons why he didn’t want to stay then delayed the divorce deliberately.

    Our son reminded me it’s mind games and power with him. X told me once every time I asked him to do something he delayed it by another day. Yeah I don’t miss that in my life!

  • I had to file and we probably won’t be divorced until July 2021 because under Swiss law you have to be separated for two years if both people don’t agree to the divorce.

    He refuses to do anything toward the divorce. Refuses to hire a lawyer. Refuses to go to mediation. And I can’t do anything until the magic two years are up.

    In the meantime, he’s got girlfriends in Germany and France, and with border closures he’s been texting me constantly. Poor sad sausage.

  • I was one of those that was blindsided – thought we had a very happy marriage. Together for 29 years between dating and marriage. Until one day, out of the blue, he told me *I* wasn’t happy and *I* didn’t love him and “ILYBINILWY”. I asked if there was someone else. He said no. My sister was my backbone in the immediate aftermath. She told me to withdraw a sum of money from our bank account that I could live on for a couple months. She told me to contact a lawyer. When I had a lawyer, my cheater said to me, “I can’t believe you hired a lawyer, can’t we do this without?” (Well, yes, because obviously you’re so trustworthy!) He then told me, “Well, you’ll probably want to file instead of me, right?” I said, “No, I don’t want this divorce. If you do, you file.” So, he did – under “irreconcilable differences.” What a farce. If I had known at the time that I could, I would have insisted on the reason being adultery. That was the start of his impression management. Lo and behold, that 28 year old coworker my 50 year old husband always mentioned to me was our “irreconcilable difference.” I’ve seen a photo of them together and he looks like her creepy uncle hanging all over her. If that’s what she wants at her age, she’s winner-winner-chicken-dinner! Something tells me that her karma will come as he ages. And something tells me that his karma will come when she finds someone her own age with an equal amount of money. They are getting married. I saw the wedding registry. She has surprisingly expensive taste. Who woulda thought?!

  • Like many, I had to file– ex did not want to be married to me, but could not even say the word “divorce”– I forced him to admit he wanted a divorce during false reconciliation. His hesitancy is what gave me false hope, that and the trickle-truthing and gaslighting about his MULTIPLE affairs over 13 years. Still insisted to the end that while he “loved” the MOW, they had not cheated, etc etc.

    He has spent 8 months away from home doing his “dream” job, with my full support (and I stayed home with the kids, while working full-time). When we agreed on divorced, I had to file, find a mediator, and the real kicker, find him a place to live that would work for the kids. As I told him then, he is a lazy, lying, selfish, coward. He remains so today, having taken me back to court 2x on child support issues.
    Fortunately, he and OWife moved 2500 miles away. The only silver lining of COVID-19, travel is suspended, so I do not have to see him when he comes to visit youngest child.

  • Although it was bad before initial discover, post D day I pick me danced for almost 18 months trying to “help him” and save our family. Through cheating, passive aggressive emotional abuse, alcoholism, porn addiction, steroids, financial abuse, drunk driving my kids. You name it. And like a good chump I booked all the appointments, read all the books, and made my needs and my kids needs disappear. All while he would say he loved me and didn’t want a divorce while every single action showed otherwise.

    When I had finally had it, I came home from a vacation with the kids he had elected not to go on so he could stay home and drink with his buddies. I calmly said,

    “We are getting a divorce, I didn’t want a divorce because I love you and our kids, that’s why I’ve done a, b, and c. You say you don’t want a divorce but have shown my you do by doing x, y and z. So I’m going to file for divorce for you. Because in addition to being a lying manipulative cheating alcoholic piece of shit, your a coward too”.

    And then I did. And yes, fucker left me to clean out and sort through almost 17 years of books and photos and life objects. He didn’t even take photos of his kids or letters from his dead grandparents. It took me almost two years. It was a low cost to pay for having him out of my life and away from my kids.

    My kids are amazing. My life is amazing. I’m just embarrassed I didn’t realize how sick he was, and I feel sorry for his family, friends, and even his side pieces including the OW who continue to be gaslighted, have no idea he’s a sociopath, and fall for his lies and fake “good guy” routine while he triangulates them. It’s sad, but gladly, not my circus, not my monkeys!!

  • I told him I was done after three months of chumpdom, trying to make it work, when I found out he’d never stopped seeing the OW. Said, that’s it, you leave and we are done here. He said, “We don’t have to divorce.” I don’t think he would have ever made that decision because then he never has to take responsibility for the decision and it can always be my fault. I did research to protect myself and hired a mediator. Ultimately, though, I told him he had to file the paperwork since he created this mess, which he did.

  • I was the one that filed. I served him at work. Where he worked with with HoWorker. I was at work when he was served, got home and he left a note on top of the divorce papers packet saying “If you loved me, you would of never done this”

    This from the the man that brought his skank into my home, let me cook dinner and let her sit at my family dinner table for over 3+ years. Delusional much?

    They so deserve each other, and from what I hear, it’s def. not a bed of roses over there at Cheaterville.
    I actually feel sorry for him, he lost it all, for a 20 yr younger ugly as a horse, loud mouth skank.
    Meanwhile, I am living the best life ever. Hang in there, and don’t even wait for KARMA. Living your best life is your best revenge.

  • He’d moved out telling me the old “I love you but I’m not in love with you”, denying an OW and ex-chumpy me believed this 100%. He’d already decided on what to offer me for the marital home, with the usually “we don’t need lawyers” crap. He’d shown me real estate ads for homes I could move out into. He then moved back in for a few weeks after some begging where I hard out pick me danced. He then decided “he couldn’t live without passion anymore” and leased a luxury flat across town to move out again. The night before he left I found out about the long term OW (I’m thankful for this now, as it gave me back control over my narrative).

    I lawyered up. Sadly I live in a jurisdiction where you have to be separated for TWO YEARS before a divorce is possible. In one of the last conversations with him I told him how annoyed I was that I couldn’t legally be shot of him for two years. His plaintive reply was “divorce hadn’t even crossed [his] mind”. So leaving me (twice), trying to force through a financial settlement and making suggestions for where I could move out to, leasing his own apartment but I’m unreasonable for suggesting divorce? These fuckwits are all the same.

  • STBXH left me first a almost five and half years ago, with the usual yada yada about our marriage being in trouble and him not being happy, of course denying there was someone else. I was very sick at a time (un-diagnosed Addison’s among other things) and he said he felt like my caretaker and that we were like roommates. That hurt so much, as being sick has been one of the big tragedies in my life.
    I begged him to stay, I dragged him to couple’s therapy and bent over to a pretzel trying to better myself so that he could be happy with me. So he moved out, claiming to sleep at his private office space. A few weeks later he came back, but acted all sulky and weird, came home whatever time he wanted (our daughter was 6 years old at the time). Then he confessed to having been unfaithful. And having been so starting when our daughter was a baby. It started as an emotional thing the first year and he says they had sex the first time when DD was about 18 months old. He left me again, this time getting his own apartment, He said he was not currently with ho-ho, which I believed but told him just in case to make sure ho-ho never came to contact with DD. We continued therapy, him not disclosing he was with ho-ho and me pick-me-dancing with the best of them. Oh and he filed immediately after moving out the second time. After telling me about ho-ho, he asked me if I want him to leave. Yes, get out, I told him. And he proceeded then to tell people I kicked him out..

    We’d just found a larger apartment, the building we were living in then was also getting some renovations that summer and I wanted to get out of the way and also it was a one-bedroom apartment.
    I moved to the new larger one telling him that he could move later when he came to his senses. I really thought he was having a breakdown and after everything came to light he’d see how wrong he was.
    So we hoped and prayed with DD for that.. After seven months of separation he hadn’t completed the divorce (6 month waiting period here). We were starting to be happy just the two of us with DD, though she did have a rough time as this happened at the time she also started first grade and she is a super sensitive child so was acting up. I asked STBXH for an update and he asked me to go to the therapist he was now seeing alone because he was scared to talk to me alone. There I told him I didn’t want to keep him my force, if he wanted to go. Then he started crying and sobbed that he regretted everything and didn’t want a divorce. I was kind of.. um yeah.. I guess that is what I have been waiting for.. Little did I know that he literally didn’t know he was going to say that when he came to the meeting. I also didn’t know that the next morning ho-ho came from a trip and when he told her she begged him to stay and he then regretted what he’d told me the day before. But couldn’t face myself or my family if he backed on it so he moved to our new home, reluctantly though I had no idea. A few months later I found out he was e-mailing with her, hinting there was a chance they could still be together. I flipped, it felt so horrible to have my forgiveness thrown out like trash. His therapist even called me, worried that I’d leave him now, because “he’s come so far and it’s because of you”.

    After I collected my pieces and didn’t throw him out, there was relative calm for a few years. Sometimes he acted nit-picky and passive aggressive or something like that.. I kept telling me it’s nothing to do with me, he’s dealing with his own shit..

    But last summer I stumbled upon the diary he had kept for two years at his therapist’s suggestion. It was awful. He’d pined after ho-ho and been bitter at me for being in between them, apparently. Oh yeah, then why the fuck didn’t you go through with the divorce when I told you I will let you go?
    And he’d used drugs, buying them in the dark net and having them delivered to our home. Reason being, at least partially, that he hoped I would find out and leave him I didn’t feel safe. What else was he capable of? After feeling like I wanted to die for a few months, I came across LAC,GAL and another book on personality disorders. It hit me hard on the face. I did not sleep the night I read LAC,GAL and I came to the decision I had to leave him.

    He flipped when I told him I wanted a divorce. He hadn’t lied to me in months! He’d tried so hard and I didn’t even want to try anymore! And honesty is not the most important thing in the world! It wasn’t what he did, it was my reaction to it and it would not help to get rid of him! He stopped the drugs after he got caught and sentenced! He doesn’t love ho-ho anymore, it just took a long time to realize that their relationship was toxic! He just has a habit of going to see her pics but he hasn’t done that in six months! He doesn’t have a porn addiction, he just does it very occasionally or he gets anxiety! He also chose to gaslight our daughter, yelling at her to not believe mommy’s lies, when she was locked in the bathroom crying. That made me so angry, how dare you hurt her.

    But then, he talked to his evil narc sister (who divorced when her daughter was 3 yo) who kindly advised him to file immediately so that we could separate assets and I could not get anything more (he gets company stock regularly plus might get an inheritance or whatever). So the he was in a hurry to file and push his agreement on me. I agreed, but it hasn’t been made official as it requires signatures of two witnesses or a lawyer. But he still claims he doesn’t want to divorce. He refused to move out of the big apartment (rented) so I moved to a one-bedroom apt. with DD. While we were still living there, he didn’t come home after work one friday, DD was almost asleep when he finally came, not giving any explanation. He has cried to her, having sadz, which I told his therapist should stop (when he called me again). He said he thought STBXH is just very in tune with his feelings! I told him that it’s not okay to dump his sadz and manipulate comforting from a child.

    Cheater was demanding DD stay with him “regularly and a lot” because he didn’t realize the law here says 12-year olds can decide for themselves, and DD is turning 12 this year. When that hit him he became more cooperative, but still stonewalls me sometimes. DD doesn’t want to stay with him or visit him, she says she understands he wants to see her ans she wants to see him too but she feels uncomfortable and bored at his place, our old home. He doesn’t bother to cook her dinner when she was there, she came home hungry.

    The divorce (that we filed jointly, no fault divorce here) can be finalized in about six weeks. I still have doubts about doing it, as he claims he doesn’t want to divorce so I’m assuming he won’t do it. There is six months time to finalize it or it’ll fall through and situation is back to zero.

    I asked him for financial documents, he might just not send them. But I sure as hell won’t sign the asset division without seeing them. Of course he may be hiding assets in bitcoin or something, which I can do nothing about, but the stocks he has should be fairly simple to show me. I realize it was stupid to agree on his suggestion without first seeing everything, but I was so anxious still having to live under the same roof that it was hard to think clearly. I considered buying an apartment and he actually asked me if I was in a fit condition to make such a big decision, but apparently had no worries about me being able to make decisions about the asset division..

    And yet, I STILL sometimes have hopium. I can’t believe this cute, seemingly very kind, boyish, super smart, patient person (he taught me how to drive, LOL!) is a shithead fuckwit.
    Why do I feel sorry for him, I’m mad at feeling sorry for him! I could not save him from ruining his life, I could not stop him from demolishing our family. God knows I tried.

    • Miss Guided, your story is so familiar. He was lovely – until he wasn’t.

      Of course he flipped when you wanted a divorce. Cake is delicious. And you were doing all the image management for him.

      And you still have hopium because this level of mistreatment was acceptable to you. You decided that the benefits of being with Mr Kind Boyish Charmer outweighed being sexually and emotionally abused by him.

      I think lots of us have been there. We Miss the Lie.

      The reality is that he was charming and boyish and all that – but also petulant, passive aggressive, and horribly entitled. And unfaithful. And a liar.

      Why did you deserve all this?

      You sound like you still allow him way too much mental real estate. How are you going with ‘gaining a life’?

      • I also really believed it would be better for DD if the family didn’t fall apart. And I really believed he would change since he claims he’s become a believer (Christian) as I am 🙁
        I really, really believe in loyalty and it has been hard to accept that I’m not a bad guy for leaving him and not giving him one more change to fuck with us. I know, I know.. must be FOO issues opr something.
        I’m trying to stay interested in my business, trying to do what I can with the little energy I have, bought an apartment which has been fun to renovate.. Mostly my head is still spinning.

        • Unbelievable similarities. My XH tried to use church doctrine to justify why he cheated. That day I was not very good with no contact or being a Christian or using G rated language. I might of ask him where f****** somebody else fit into creating a Christ Centered Home.

          I was slowly beginning to see what he had turned into, a smelly pile of poop without sparkles.

    • This is very similar to my situation. These men are narcissists. They only cry for themselves. I’m sorry, I know how hard it is.

      • Yes. He could watch me sob uncontrollably no problem. And then cry at strange times. i used to think he was super sensitive. Were all those tears manipulation or self pity or both?

  • This. So much this. I’ll never understand it. He was horrible to me, called me all sorts of names, told me how much I suck regularly…he cheats, is found out and shown the door. TWO YEARS of harassment later (no kids or mutually owned possessions for him to have plausible deniability to be contacting me) I have to be the one to threaten going to the cops if he doesn’t leave me alone.

    I am terrible. He won’t leave me alone. Doesn’t make any sense to me.

    IMO it’s the mindfuck that is the worst. A normal or healthy person would simply say, I’m not happy, I can’t do this anymore, I want to split up. Then they would file for divorce and take some time to heal before moving on with their life. No animosity, no drama, no mindfuck. Just straight forward action that reflects their feelings.

    But that’s just it. They don’t want divorce. What do they want?

  • Yep, Chump file here, after YEARS (only UnicornNoMore hung in longer) of trying to keep my family together.
    His lack of remorse, refusal to do any work, and me finding him back in touch with OW.
    A voice in my head said ‘If you go along with this, you are actively participating in your own abuse’
    I filed

    He didn’t want to get divorced!

    Truth: 1. I was Of Use 2. I meant no financial consequences 3. I buffered him from commitment to his snatches.
    It wasn’t love or attachment.

    The most annihilating, heartbreaking and traumatic thing. Hard to put into words, the loss of everything precious to me, including the fantasy that we shared the same values. I am not angry anymore, just so sad.

  • I filed.

    My EX represented himself as shocked and indignant and betrayed that I would break my vows and abandon him. He swore to anyone who would listen that he had never contemplated divorce and was totally blindsided that I was taking this terrible step to destroy our family. He accused me of “planning the divorce” for years, though what I had been doing for years was trying to save our marriage by giving up more and more things to please him, asking for marital counseling, etc.

    A few months after we had separated, when he’d taken what he wanted from the house, and the kids and I moved back in, I was cleaning up some of the junk he left behind and found a list dated 8 months before I asked for a separation detailing his plans for a divorce and all the financial details he needed to take care of to make sure he got the best possible outcome. The list had been generated when he still thought his “soul mate” was a long-term relationship instead of someone who would dump him abruptly.

    Reading that list I realized all his attacks on me were just projections. He was the one who had planned the destruction of our marriage (complete with lining up the new spouse).

    In retrospect, I realize what a fragile house of cards the whole thing was. She left him; he took it out on me (though I didn’t know why his anger and abuse were increasing), so I left him, and then he really flipped out.

  • Another Chump here, filed for divorce in Feb. We were actually going to be final on April 9th, but the courthouse cancelled all hearings from April and on. We are still not rescheduled.

    My narc cheater husband moved out last November with no plan other than getting away from me and not having to face the mess he made. I have driven everything forward, even the selling of our house, which is going on the market this month.

    I heard recently that when you finally realize you are married to a narcissist, you can’t get divorced fast enough. I know this is true for me. I am pushing this forward as fast as I can and so it is frustrating that covid has stalled the finalization.

  • When I was super-duper chumpy still ( palm to forehead ), I gave him the money to give to our lawyer to turn the separation into a divorce.

    As tax time rolled round- I still had not received my divorce decree! Sooooo….I found out that he and Schmoops ( plus flying monkeys ), had gone to Vegas and the money was GONE.

    I was hopping mad. But I did some looking into my decorated status and found out that the church would continue my benefits until the day we divirced. As well, if anything happened to him – I would still be the recipient of a 200k life insurance policy!!!

    So, I just sat back and stayed separated. I know he expected me to file ( so he could be the ultimate victim). But I just waited.

    Finally Schmoops ( his current wife ) put the pressure on him and I had my divorce in record speed.

  • I served him with an Emergency Protection Order and he filed divorce before I did. Matters not much as I struck the first and more painful blow. Let battle commence.

  • After 27 years of marriage, the ex decided he wanted out of our marriage – sadly hooking up with a married woman from our small town before either of them informed their respective spouses that our marriages were over. Info about this came out slowly over months. Difficult as we worked in the same business, very hard on our staff (and me! – thank goodness our daughter was away at university).

    I got a list of out-of-town lawyers from our accountant, picked the first one, and sent the list to the ex (he ended up using the only lawyer in our town – who agreed to act for him only if I agreed to this and with the understanding that he would step down if things got nasty). I asked for a statement from his bank account as of a stated date, and listed all of our other assets as of that date, and started a spreadsheet on separating assets. I think that this surprised him – but it was good for me when he and OW started spending big on travels as that had no financial impact on me.

    My lawyer did all the contact with his lawyer. The separation agreement was finally signed – yes, after grumbles from him – I think that he was surprised that I insisted on a fair deal! The country that we live in is a no-fault country with 50/50 split, so it was straight-forward, but he bickered about some things (I have a livid memory of him sitting on a couch arguing with me while I was resting in a electric lazy boy chair, a week or so past a hip replacement operation. (osteoarthritis is a literal pain – can full-heartedly endorse hip replacements!) Then I was the one who contacted all the investment/bank/insurance folks to get things split up.

    I had one interesting conversation with a woman from our investment/insurance company (who just dealt with medical professionals). She questioned whether they taught Cheating 101 in med school, since they had such a high number of splits caused from cheating by the doc spouse. She also mentioned that it always seemed to be the doc’s spouse who did all the clean up work too!

    Anyway, after the separation agreement was signed, he resigned from the practice and moved from our town with the OW (yep, two marriages blown apart). Life became more peaceful. Had to wait for 2 years after separation date (noted in the separation agreement) for divorce as required in our country. But essentially, after the separation agreement is signed, it is just a matter of waiting out the time.

    I was overseas when the 2 year date passed, I wondered if I would return to divorce papers – I couldn’t be bothered to pay the money to file (and wondered how long it would take him). A couple months past that date, I received an email from him with an attachment of the form to dissolve our marriage, and he even offered to pay for it (yeah, I wasn’t planning on paying!). He obviously expected me to run around and get all the documentation and fill it in, but I just replied quickly and said for him to go ahead with it, and send it to me for my signature. Took him a while, but finally it arrived in the mail, I walked it straight down to the lawyer for witnessing and sent it back by courier the same day. Done.

  • I filed. The FW XW wanted mediation to “save money.” I had finally realized about six months after she left me that I would have to get an attorney, and I would have to file. Otherwise, I’d be continuing to go by her playbook. Fuck that! I realized I absolutely needed a lawyer to protect me from HER. And I told her I was getting a lawyer, not to attack her, but to protect ME.

    After months of feeling like shit, I was just starting to realize that maybe my life would be better without her. Hard to realize that the woman you wanted to continue to love and grow old with didn’t give a shit about you anymore (not to mention the mother of all three of your children). I thought she was the love of my life. She pretended to be for almost 25 years. Couldn’t figure out that if she had real problems w/me, it might have helped if she had communicated that to me, instead of expecting mind reading. Even the marriage counselor told her that. Too late. She’d decided (along w/her FW older boss) that I was not worth continuing to invest in. Well, fuck her.

    Couldn’t act like an adult and tell me she had fallen out of love w/me. No, she had to know if she could “make the leap!” So, she took the cowardly route and had an affair w/her boss. Such fuckwits. Not enough morality between them to get some morality sparks, let alone a fire.

    So, was it worth it? Hell, yes! Was it painful? Hell, yes. (But, it was still worth it. And the worth just increases all the time. Isn’t that something?)

    Be strong, stand up for yourself. It’s tough, but it’s worth it. And ultimately, nobody else can do it for you. Best wishes, CN. Fight the fuckwits. We’re worth it.

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