Who Filed for Divorce?

One thing that I always find striking about the chump experience is that chumps are usually the ones who file for divorce.

I don’t have any hard numbers on this, but judging on the stories shared here, I’d say 9 out of 10 times it’s the chump who files. And that includes people who are abandoned. The cheater just can’t be bothered.

We could untangle the skein on this — the most obvious explanation is cake. The cheater enjoys the Schmoopie buffet, plus an extra helping of you. And no financial consequences!

Resisting divorce is also a great way to keep Schmoopies off balance. Well, I would divorce, but my mean, mean chump won’t let me. They can imagine they’re still at the center of an epic pick me dance battle.

Also I think chumps get stuck filing because divorce is messy and expensive, and that’s your job. Clean up in Aisle 6. “Chaos janitor” as SuperDuperChump so eloquently put it once. Why should Fabulous People have to clean up the damage? The heart wants what the heart wants.

So today, I’m curious about your divorce filing stories. Did they move in with Schmoops and the divorce still came as a shock to them? Any creative delivery methods? Advice for the newbies contemplating this move? (Get there first. Don’t pull your punches.)

TGIF!

 

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Lisa
Lisa
3 years ago

He moved out. I filed. It was the first day I smiled after months of playing the Pick Me dance because it was the first time in months (years?) I’d done something for my own sanity. I met him for coffee, told him I was filing. He was angry. Angry! I think the reason he didn’t file is that it doesn’t fit the victim narrative. So much easier for him to say, “poor me, she filed for divorce when I was broken and ‘finding myself’ .” Filing was the best decision I made!

ChumpDownUnder
ChumpDownUnder
3 years ago
Reply to  Lisa

We’re not divorced yet as we have to wait 12 mths in our country. I am still blown away by the anger at consequences. What in actual fuck did they expect? My Fuckwit was livid when I got my hardass lawyer to fight his pathetic property settlement offer of 35% Wtf did he expect after 13 years or lies, gaslighting, affairs? That I’d roll over to be kicked again? Fuck that shit. All the faux remorse during wreckonciliation could have earned him an Oscar. The joke of a settlement offer told me all I needed to know about how genuine his remorse was. He’s pro se bc he thinks his law degree confers brilliance in family law. My hardass lawyer is running rings around him. Even tho it’s costing me $500/hr it’s a joy to watch.

thelongrun
thelongrun
3 years ago
Reply to  ChumpDownUnder

Chumpdownunder,

Holy shit! $500/hr?! And I balked at paying $325/hr to the one lawyer who stroked my divorce fantasy the most (everybody else in my area was $275/hr)! He said, ”If you want full custody of your 11 yo son, now is the best time to act, since your wife just abandoned the family and you by moving in w/her boss. The judge will be most open to that possibility now.” A friend pointed out to me later that this may have just been a ruse by that lawyer to get me to spend more money in an action that I might not have had much chance of obtaining. I guess I’ll never know for sure. I did write him a note saying he had impressed me the most, but since I was no longer making bucketfuls of money anymore, would he be willing to work at the more common local rate of $275/hr? I got crickets in response.

Instead, I went w/a female lawyer who I was warned against using by another blindsided, and formerly unknown to me husband who’s wife just decided they were done, no discussion as well. I actually ended up ignoring that advice and used his XW’s lawyer, who my FW XW’s lawyer (that she eventually got, because I got a lawyer first, after refusing to work through mediation only, as the XW wanted, to save herself money), told her my lawyer was known to be a “good litigator.” So while I think my lawyer missed doing some things for me, the fact that she had that reputation kept the XW somewhat restrained, I think, in what she thought she could get away with. So I’m thankful to my lawyer for that.

Best wishes to you in your quest to leave your cheater and gain a life! You seem to be doing really well on your own. Let CN know when the divorce is final, and may you find peace and meh ASAP!

Eilonwy
Eilonwy
3 years ago
Reply to  ChumpDownUnder

This sounds so familiar–I also left at the 13 year mark. My EX also suggested I get about 35% (and this was to support me and the kids) while he needed the majority of our income to maintain the life style we had together–which he claimed was his “right” since I was the one filing. He also represented himself. He also regretted it.

DodgedaBullet
DodgedaBullet
3 years ago
Reply to  ChumpDownUnder

OMG, I LOVE THIS!

Jae
Jae
3 years ago
Reply to  Lisa

“ Filing was the best decision I made!” Good for you! I second this emotion.

Letitsnow
Letitsnow
3 years ago
Reply to  Jae

I filed pro se $137 in October 2015 after giving him 3 months of opportunity to tell me what happened. It was a shit show of waste of time in counseling, then he refused to sign it. Did it again in May 2016, told him to sign it and he did. Freedom!July 4,2016!
I rejoiced with the judges decision in the mail and he cried. We were in the midst of selling our beautiful home we had since 2004. Best decision I ever made. Found out after from his ex wife, that is what happened to their marriage as well. Loser!
Once you lose respect, it’s all over.
❤️ Gain a life
LIS

Carol
Carol
3 years ago

Mine was served at work I heard it was a huge shock to his Ego, he has an EPO on me once he moved his “WHORE” into our family home!????

Kathleen
Kathleen
3 years ago
Reply to  Carol

After catching them together at owhore’s house a week later he was served divorce papers as she answered her door. I ignored red flags for years during our 35 year marriage.
When he came back home he was angry and extremely nasty saying terrible things to me. It’s been 4 years divorced and I still wonder why was he so angry when he told me he wanted out and loved her?
Karma entered when owhore died 2 years later. He immediately moved into another woman’s house where he is today. I wished I would have done it sooner.
Evil selfish narcissistic

Noonenowhere
Noonenowhere
3 years ago
Reply to  Kathleen

Fucken “A” game.

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
3 years ago
Reply to  Kathleen

Kathleen,

35 years a chump here, too! Like you (and a lot of us apparently), I filed after he confessed to a 2 1/2 year affair and told me he thought he might want to marry this whore. My narcissistic STBX even pointed to areas in the house (our bed, the sofa ) where they had had sex. He also said he was tired of needing porn. What an asshole! Then he said that neither of us would ever have better sex than we had together and wondered if we could get back together in, say, 3 years. I mean, the man is batshit crazy (and hurtful).

Anyway, my lawyer arranged for him to be served with divorce papers a week and a half later. STBX’s response? He said there was a cheaper way to file the papers. Mr. I-live-a-double-life-and-stay-at-hotels-and-take-trips-with-my-whore wished we’d saved a little $$ on filing the divorce papers. You can’t make this up.

It’s only been 7 months since D-Day for me. They live together in a house he just bought. I’m in a different state to be near my adult kids who want nothing to do with their father. And he’s being a total pain in the ass re the divorce. No surprise there, I guess. They don’t change. *sigh*

FormerlyKnownAs
FormerlyKnownAs
3 years ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

OMG Spinach and Kathleen, similar story. My ex asked if he could have me and his S&M sub whore on the side because he loved me, loved our sex life and wanted to still be a dad. He just felt entitled to find a girlfriend after he got tired of hiring sex workers. He wanted his cake and eat it too. We don’t file for divorce in that same way the US does in the country I live in, but- he was sooo shocked when I said that he had to move out! Now he won’t cooperate with the property separation. He doesn’t want lawyers or court involved. He won’t deal with the taxes. He won’t comply with a parenting plan, etc. it’s fucking exhausting, manipulating, mind fuck bullshit all the time. He won’t even download a parenting app. Oh- and it’s all my fault we’re separating and he reminds me of that all the time. He’s the victim. Poor guy!

NewChump
NewChump
3 years ago

FormerlyKnownAs, get a lawyer to help you deal with the separation of property and parenting plan. “Won’t comply” means legal and financial penalties then, and stops being an easy method of playing goad the chump. Don’t deal with your ex without legal representation. That’s how chumps get screwed. It doesn’t matter what your ex wants. Distance yourself from direct contact with him. Look after yourself. This was the best advice I got and it saved me a lot of angst and was worth every penny of the $6000 I paid for a clean and clear and financially advantageous separation and divorce. If your ex gets antsy, threaten to call the police and do it if he crosses your boundaries. Keep him as far away from you and your safe places as you can. If hes into image management and has a job where appearance of good character matters like mine was that will keep him away. Treat him like your enemy because he is.

FormerlyKnownAs
FormerlyKnownAs
3 years ago
Reply to  NewChump

Thanks New Chump. My lawyer is now saying we’ll just end up in court so you’re right- I just need to do it. He’s also seriously into image management! They’re all the same. The tax dept. here is chasing him for child support now (that’s how they do it where I live). I thought that would work because his employer will garnish his wages soon and he’s a high level executive. He’ll look like a real dickhead then. Trying for no contact but it’s hard with our daughter. That’s why I’d love the parenting app but the fucker won’t do it. Perhaps court will help with that too.

horsesrcumin
horsesrcumin
3 years ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

Thirty years, after a year and a half long affair eight years prior to the “exit affair” (how quaint, huh) that occurred as I was finishing my Masters thesis. Oh, after two years of secret internet dating. Took him a while to hook one dumb enough, a beige widow of a serial cheater, I kid you not. Seven months living together, me in a stunned, WTF just happened, stupor of half hearted repeat scenario pick me dancing.

He needed to be with Trinket so badly, he refused to sign the separation agreement (that I got drawn up…he didn’t even consult our lawyer…) for six months, holding up my purchase of a new home.

As our then 21 year old son said about the boring Trinket, “just a new admin person, Mum. He can’t do anything alone.”

Including getting a divorce.

Rebecca
Rebecca
3 years ago
Reply to  Carol

So wish I could have done this!
It was my fantasy especially since the OW was his co-worker.
Luckily I have much better fantasies now that don’t involve my past ????????

DivineComedy
DivineComedy
3 years ago

I filed first directly after I discovered the affair. No holding back, no pick me dancing, no begging for him to come back. I was done. He drug his feet and prolonged the Divorce for almost two years.

Just me and the puppy
Just me and the puppy
3 years ago
Reply to  DivineComedy

I filed when I found him living with the skank ho in the RV I paid for and had to hire a PI to find out where he was living. The unraveling of lies just gave me a headache. Lovely thing though… the PI that found him also served the papers complete with pictures he had taken of them together. The look of shock on his face was so worth it, with her by his side of course. That’s life in the trailer park I guess. Fast forward, he did not contest one thing. I got pretty much everything. The house the retirement account his heavy equipment (which I sold and bought a new truck with)???? And he was left with the RV and skank ho. Of course now he is angry that I took everything. Oh well. It was a tough first year because I still wanted my dream but now I look forward to each day and am living my life. Not the one I thought was so great. This blog has saved me so stand strong with the rest of us. Thanks CL

Doingme
Doingme
3 years ago

You took everything. It’s an interesting spin isn’t it? Five years post divorce the Limited must have been licking his wounds when he told my daughter he ‘gave’ me my pension. Nope, I earned it.

This is a result of the immediacy of infatuation. Our love is real. He wasn’t concerned at 57, never took a peek at his SS amount (760.00 Month) he will have to live on. I used the years wisely and will get almost 3 times that amount plus my pension. Yes, RV time holed up with a skank.

DodgedaBullet
DodgedaBullet
3 years ago
Reply to  Doingme

Mine likes to project that he “gave me the house”. Oh, the house we paid for with my down payment? The house I made every payment on because he didn’t make enough to cover the mortgage? He kept his money in his business (that I funded with zero interest loans from my hard work for years to keep them afloat). He works in construction so he did do extensive work on the house, but at D time we had very little equity. He walked away from $50k he could have gotten (a small fraction of what he was hiding over the years) . I walked away from 25% ownership in a multi million dollar business where he had and continued to hide most of his money.

He also had stolen my ID and tax records and was trying to get a loan for his business in my name prior to me filing so they could purchase an office building. He HAD to be off the $5k per month home mortgage because he didn’t pay himself enough above the table.

So I have the house and massive payment. He gets to look like the good guy for “giving me the house” and because he always pays his nominal child support set based on his reported income on time (not so hard when you have zero bills because your rent, every utility, cable, car, insurance, phone, etc are a “company expense”).

He’s raking it in and living the life financially and gets to look like the good guy. All good with me. I don’t care what people think of him because I know the truth, I’ve got my own life to live, am doing well despite supporting a family of 3 on one income. If he doesn’t fuck it up, my kids will inherit some of his success…so have at it!

FormerlyKnownAs
FormerlyKnownAs
3 years ago
Reply to  Doingme

Sounds like a classy guy! RV and a skank. Good lord, glad you’re rid of him.

LookingforwardstoTuesday
LookingforwardstoTuesday
3 years ago

Ex-wife had affair. Ex-wife gets busted. Ex-wife says she wants a divorce. Ex-wife refuses to discuss what a settlement might look like. Ex-wife leaves kids and I and sets up new home. Ex-wife plasters her new home and new relationship all over FB. Ex-wife empties joint bank account (I know – should have seen that coming) and helps herself to youngest two kids’ savings account. Ex-wife lies to mediator.

I file for divorce and start the process of cleaning up her mess.

Ex-wife completely flips her sh*t – how dare I etc etc?

Ex-wife takes AP to the court during our divorce hearing because she can and she needs him to reassure her. Ex-wife lies to her legal team and the judge about cohabitation etc.

I get a great divorce settlement (clean break, kids to live with me etc).

Ex-wife tells everyone I scr*wed her in Court; nothing to do with what she did etc etc she’s “being punished for wanting to be happy blah blah blah.”

Kids and I try and get on with our lives and it’s getting better day by day.

Ex-wife is still a toxic POS but is less relevant every day.

thelongrun
thelongrun
3 years ago

LookingforwardstoTuesday,

Good Lord. What a POS. You and your kids are on your way to a better life and sanity. Congratulations from another discarded husband. I’ll see you in the Promised Land, my brother! Aka meh and Tuesday. Best wishes to you and your family.

Chumpknowmore
Chumpknowmore
3 years ago

“I refuse to apologize for falling in love and finding happiness” my ex-husband said that to my youngest daughter and still he cannot understand why his three kids won’t talk to him 3 years later. With me he said something along the lines as your ex -(me and his adult kids) are punishing him for finding happiness. I am still dumbfounded with his giant sense of entitlement. I had to file even though he left to pursue his happiness – he just couldn’t be bothered. The irony is I rushed, he left on Jan 1, I hired a lawyer on Jan 3 and filed on 2 weeks later – I wanted to beat him to it – truth is he hadn’t even started looking for an attorney and was completely caught off guard. From that point on he insisted that it was my divorce ….

FormerlyKnow As
FormerlyKnow As
3 years ago

Why oh why are these idiots surprised when we kick them to the curb? Good for you. I loved your empowering synopsis.

Fooled-Me-Twice
Fooled-Me-Twice
3 years ago

They are all the same. Mine told the kids not to ask her for money because “Daddy gets all my money now”.

Renay
Renay
3 years ago

FMT, OH. MY. WORD! Mine used that exact phrase when he drained the college fund of one of my children after the Court forced him to pay all his unpaid alimony, etc: “Your mother has that money.”

Chump McCuck
Chump McCuck
3 years ago

Very similar story. I am primary custodial parent. She talks a big talk about wanting more but never takes it. She brought her AP over and he flipped off my security cameras. He was well known in the community for putting valium in wine where he was a server (allegedly). Life was blown wide open and she got fat alimony lump sum (no fault state), but I have my boy.

Franca
Franca
3 years ago

I love stories with a happy ending!

Tall One
Tall One
3 years ago

Easy to go.

GladHe’sGone
GladHe’sGone
3 years ago
Reply to  Tall One

Finally got him to file. I insisted, since he told me on D-day he wanted one. I knew he was stalling because of money, and I’m sure he would have liked to have had me be the bad guy and divorce him. It was a struggle for him to scrape up the funds for the lawyer/divorce since he was vacationing with his AP over our anniversary.

LookingforwardstoTuesday
LookingforwardstoTuesday
3 years ago
Reply to  GladHe’sGone

I took the view that I needed to file and then drive things through as quickly as I could; I had realised that the longer that I stayed married to her the greater the risk that I would end up the hook for dealing with the financial consequences of her f*ckwittery. She is an alcoholic, a narcissist and suffers from depression – so this was a valid concern.

The fact that I got promoted at work (and got a significant pay rise) a month after the divorce was finalised did not go down at all well with her.

In her mind I’m still the bad guy – but I don’t care.

🙂

thelongrun
thelongrun
3 years ago

Nice. What a sad mess your XW is. I’m so glad you and the kids got some support and distance in the divorce process.

On my end, the fact that I won’t put up w/the bullshit condescension in many of the FW XW’s communications made her recently say in response to my calling her on it, “Whatever works for you to allow you to maintain your victimhood.” Hah! I may have been a victim of her infidelity towards me and our family, but like all of us, I’m much more than that. I’m a survivor of a FW w/shitty character! Suck on that!

It always amazes me how they all seem to think the world continues to revolve around them. No, I can’t wait to exit this unhappy-go-round! Then, see where the last vestiges of your centrality go, ya FW. You’ll only have our kids (assuming they haven’t fully seen through you by then), your AP (assuming the geezer hasn’t died yet; he is 15 years older than you), and your pathetic group of morally deficient friends. Except for our kids, you can have the rest in the hell that is your life, but of which you’re probably unaware you’re living. But I’m aware of it, and my family’s aware of it, and my friends are aware of it. There is life outside your bubble. Thank God.

Badmovie19
Badmovie19
3 years ago

He planned his discard of me for at least 1 year and at a minimum that’s how long his affair with married howorker was going on. The first 24 hours after Dday were a mess, but by day 2, I quickly gathered up financial docs and called for lawyer appointment. I realized he had a big head start on me. I filed for divorce 4 days after Dday. I think he was shocked I was able to file so fast. Fortunately, I selected a great attorney (based on recommendations from attorney friends) and settlement/custody issues went fast as Ex so concerned about his attorney charging him $.

Georgie
Georgie
3 years ago
Reply to  Badmovie19

I consulted a lawyer as quick as I could too. He left without notice and I didn’t find out about 4 year affair til 5 days later. Unfortunately in Australia I don’t think the system is fair. We both worked and had no children together and settlement was based on what you brought into the relationship(15 years prior) Things deemed not relevant
-He rented out his house when he moved into my house but didn’t share the rent. He didn’t help pay my mortgage or pay me rent. He paid half te bills but earned more than me.
I retired early so we could travel etc but he had already started his affair. If he wasn’t such a coward I could have kept working and adding to my retirement fund. My lawyer said all this was irrelevant to the settlement.
Anyway I was fortunate to have an inheritance from my dad which helped me pay part ( the rest a big chunk of my retirement fund) of my buying him out of my house.
I may be poorer but I still own my house and was glad to settle within 7 months as it is a weight off your shoulders not to be attached to a cheater in any way.

Tall One
Tall One
3 years ago
Reply to  Tall One

WAY to go…

Amazon Chump
Amazon Chump
3 years ago

So glad you got the children!! Stay strong.

Kim
Kim
3 years ago

I was 4 months pregnant on D Day. Within two weeks STBX and OW were living together 200m from my front door.

Once I had birthed our second child i was in the solicitors office with a baby under a week old to sign the paperwork.

14 months on from that day we still aren’t quite there because he keeps stalling the financial settlement. This week he wants Bbq utensils, a hosepipe and lawnmower- i kid you not ????

thelongrun
thelongrun
3 years ago
Reply to  Kim

Kim,

And I thought I had it bad. My FW XW moved in w/her boss a 1/2 mile down the street from the house she left me in w/our 11 yo son. That was bad enough. I can’t imagine only 200m. I don’t think her AP would have survived.

You’re amazing. Keep it going. You’re doing great, and we’re all in awe. What a POS your ex is.

xmaschump
xmaschump
3 years ago
Reply to  Kim

All of these stories are horrifying, but the d-day’s while pregnant make my heart hurt as this is an extremely vulnerable time. You are incredibly mighty and good for you for dropping that turd!

FormerlyKnow As
FormerlyKnow As
3 years ago
Reply to  Kim

Kim, what a fucking dick. BBQ utensils? Mine wanted the wine glasses. They suck.

RoseThorns
RoseThorns
3 years ago

Mine moved into the apartment of ow. Kids & I remained in the country on our 2 acres (I had paid 100% for). I had become disabled. He fought hard for both riding lawn mowers.

One mower he bought without discussing with me for over $8k (not kidding). He still owed a lot on that, so fine with me that he have it. Dumbfounded why he fought so hard for the other 10 year old riding mower that didnt even run (not until my mechanic brother put $300v into it labor free FOR ME & KIDS). That’s when he fought for that too. Wanted to leave us without a mower I guess. This is the type of selfish, mean spirited, stupid ass kind of shit he did all through the divorce (which he drug out to over 2 years).

I got the old mower in the divorce. He got the 8k one & the over 5k of payments left on ot.

Deed
Deed
3 years ago

Maybe me wanted the China for his everyday use ???? (fits with his king image)

Kim
Kim
3 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

You have to laugh. It was even a gift set from my parents!

UXworld
UXworld
3 years ago
Reply to  Kim

This has got me flashing on a “Fireman’s Brigade” song-skit from Benny Hill:

Benny:
“I have got a hosepipe,
I have got a hosepipe,
I have got a hosepipe,
What shall I do with it?”

Brigade:
“Oooooooooooooh . .
Stick it up the chimney,
Stick it up the chimney,
Stick it up the chimney,
And let’s put out the fire.”

Stick it up his chimney, and put out the fire. 🙂

Amazon Chump
Amazon Chump
3 years ago
Reply to  Kim

I hope you’re doing well. What a jerk. I’m glad you dumped him.

Kim
Kim
3 years ago
Reply to  Amazon Chump

Yes thanks. Taken a while, not at meh…yet. I have two beautiful sons, a new job and gained a life. I have to share my boys with him and AP but i trust that they suck!

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
3 years ago
Reply to  Kim

Good for you!!! Kudos! Glad you’re rid of the jerk. You rock!

HappyChump
HappyChump
3 years ago

I, the chump, filed. He was staying with friends after d-day 3, so I went to a lawyer without telling him. I took the advice of the attorney, separated our finances by getting my own bank account etc. I called him after and he was completely shocked and surprised. I said I needed 2 weeks in the house while I found an apartment. Our children were grown and I did not want to maintain a large home. He cried and begged for another chance, I said no. We were married 28 years and I have not laid eyes on him one time in the past 3.5 years!! When I left it was over!!

Nancy
Nancy
3 years ago
Reply to  HappyChump

Mine also shocked when I separated finances. He drags his feet to control the Mensa whore. I’m doing all the work. He’s too busy being “holier than thou.” I just don’t get it. But then that’s not my job (Yay!!)

LadyChumpedAlot
LadyChumpedAlot
3 years ago

I found out about the affair, asked him to leave. Two weeks later he decided he had to go 13 hours away and spend Christmas with his pipeline whore instead of spend Xmas with his kids. The day after he left, I filed for divorce. After New Years on his way home from his whore’s, he called crying that he wanted to come home. I told him we could talk when he got back to our state. That night he came over, begging me to let him come home. I asked him if he still had a girlfriend, and he gave me a shocked look and said “do you want me to break up with her?” My answer…. “no, I have filed for divorce, please sign here”. I never let him come home, but have not always been that strong, but that day I felt mighty!

FormerlyKnownAs
FormerlyKnownAs
3 years ago

Argh! What is it with these cake eaters. I’m so surprised at the similarities in today’s post. It’s freaky and horrible but nice to know you’re not the only one (unfortunately)

Sugar Plum
Sugar Plum
3 years ago

Three years AFTER the divorce, my ex was working overseas. He called about the house (we, err I, was getting it cleaned up and ready for the bank to take back), and then told (not asked) me to quit school in the middle of the semester, take my fur babies to a shelter and get rid of them because he was going to get me a job where he was. The punchline, he was going to keep Shrek in his apartment “to take care of his things” back in the States. You know, so when he went back to the States, he could still screw her. He actually thought I’d be willing to assume her former role as side chick after being wife. I was so shocked at his audacity and dumbfuckery, I was speechless. When I caught my breath, as he was waiting for an answer, I started rolling with laughter and just hung up. I got the house out of our names and never spoke to him again. I’ve been at meh for a few years now. But this one thing still has me smdh. Seriously guy. Seriously? Lol
They all seem to think it’s ok to “come home” but still keep schmooze too.

chumpqueen
chumpqueen
3 years ago

I got that same bs. I said if you don’t stop this horrid mess I will file for divorce. His response “but what if it doesn’t work out”..he never wanted to loose me he literally wanted his cake and to eat it too..his words. They are so delusional.

Amazon Chump
Amazon Chump
3 years ago

Oh my gosh!! How awful and unfair of you!! “Do you want me to break up with her?” Geez. These twerps really leave a person dumbfounded.

JO
JO
3 years ago
Reply to  Amazon Chump

Found out he had been cheating when I was pregnant (he still denies it was physical, yeah right) and he immediately next morning called his mommy and daddy then a lawyer. So he filed first and for a week I made therapy appointments in a panic and tried to talk things out with him not knowing he’d already hired a lawyer. This was two weeks after I returned to work from maternity leave.

So I guess his story is he filed for divorce because I “accused” him of cheating. Sounds logical and reasonable. I guess I’m in the minority and I’ll say it SUCKS to feel like he dumped me when I was the one threatening to leave him that entire week. Power move I guess.

Thrive
Thrive
3 years ago
Reply to  JO

Count yourself lucky. Many of us have to do all that shit work while realing from being cheated on. It is not glorious or a badge of honor. You however were the honorable adult by working to fix things while he continued to lie and undermine the marriage.who does that -go to counseling while secretively filing for divorce. That is a special kind of a***hole. A true sign of weakness not power. Power is manifest in honesty and integrity like you have. Hugs and stay strong.

With2Under2
With2Under2
3 years ago
Reply to  JO

Geez, our stories are horribly similar. Mine filed a few days before my 6 months UNPAID maternity leave began.

JO
JO
3 years ago
Reply to  With2Under2

Omg I’d love to talk to you off of here. How do you do that? Haha I need to stay anon On here

JO
JO
3 years ago
Reply to  JO

Oops sorry didn’t mean to post as a reply

LadyChumpedAlot
LadyChumpedAlot
3 years ago
Reply to  Amazon Chump

They all have the same playbook! It’s astounding!

Kim
Kim
3 years ago

I filed. My ex’s trashy ex gf that he kept around was on her 5th marriage and not someone he wanted to he seen in public with. I came to find out that even when he was dating her before meeting me he kept her hidden from everyone. She was divorced from hb number 4 at that time and eventually moved on to number 5 after he met me….I knew nothing about her until years into the marriage.

But I made him look good, so he wanted to stay married to me while “just catching up” with her.

Yeah right…..”just catching up”.

He couldn’t believe I actually filed. He so didn’t think I was going anywhere that he threatened divorce if I didn’t drop the subject of the ex because it made baby uncomfortable. He didn’t want one, he was just using the threat to bully me.

I’m sure he tells people I just left poor him because he got old (he’s much older). The fact that he kept an ex around I’m sure never comes up.

Cuzchump
Cuzchump
3 years ago

Mine actually had me served on my Birthday. And immediately cancelled the divorce. He said he did not want to throw away a 33 yr marriage. He actually cut off all contact with Skankella. I was in such a fog that it took me about 6 months to come to my senses. I got my ducks in a row and filed. I just could not live with a man who thought so little of our marriage or my safety wellbeing. I had to file.
Looking back him filing for divorce than backing out was just another way for him to control and abuse me.

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
3 years ago
Reply to  Cuzchump

Good for you! I hope you’re doing well now.

Amazon Chump
Amazon Chump
3 years ago

I filed because he just wanted to live separately. In fact, I filed the first time (4 years prior) and after about a month, he swore he’d never do it again. (And I was desperate at the time so I backed out.) But the second time he said, “I figured we could just live apart.” And I said, “And would you have anything to do with that woman?” And he told me that he didn’t know what his plans were. So I said, “I cannot be married to an adulterer.” And his response: “And that’s your problem!!! You’re so judgemental!!” I was dumbfounded. I absolutely had no comeback to that. I think he didn’t want a divorce because he was so afraid I’d take half of his military retirement. As it turned out, my lawyer showed me that it made better sense to give him all of his military retirement as long as he didn’t touch mine. That may not make sense in other military divorces, but it made perfect sense in my case.

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
3 years ago
Reply to  Amazon Chump

“So I said, ‘I cannot be married to an adulterer.’ And his response: ‘And that’s your problem!!! You’re so judgemental!!’ “

Omg! That’s just crazy. Mine basically accused me of being unable to forgive. Apparently that was the real problem, not having a two+ year affair and lying every, damn day.

These cheaters can’t take blame. They feel like punished victims. It’s amazing. And they all seem alike.

karenb6702
karenb6702
3 years ago

I filed and paid

His lawyer said he wanted to wait a year I said no way and filed on adultery not difficult to prove fuck face was pregnant his lawyer still said it was my idea to divorce and I should pay as he wanted to wait a year

I gladly accepted the offer it was the best money I’ve ever spent

karenb6702
karenb6702
3 years ago
Reply to  karenb6702

As a side to my own comment

My ex never once asked for a divorce or separation even when he moved out I filed the legal separation papers as well he just thought he’walk out and that would be it

StrongerThanHeEverThought
StrongerThanHeEverThought
3 years ago

After begging me not to get divorced, I told him point blank it was over and I was getting a lawyer to handle the divorce. I even texted him from the lawyers office to let him know the retainer was $3500. I then put it on “his” credit card, of which I had my own card as an authorized user. ???? He thought I was going to pull that money from our meager savings (that he kept draining) and got REALLY mad. He was even more issed when he realized the lawyer was actually MY lawyer and not OUR lawyer. ???? Still one of the funniest moments of our debacle of a divorce.

Daddypants
Daddypants
3 years ago

I filed first. She was still living in the house with me. She started tracking my movements and would confront me when I went to an attorney so I started leaving my phone at work when I went to meetings. Even after our day of mediation, months later, I had to go with my lawyer to the courthouse and “finalize” the divorce. She called me, crying, and said “I heard we are divorced now?”

And I apologized.

Amazon Chump
Amazon Chump
3 years ago
Reply to  Daddypants

Bummer. I hope you are non-apologetic now. But at the time I’m sure your emotions were all over the place.

StrongerThanHeEverThought
StrongerThanHeEverThought
3 years ago

*pissed

Queen of Spackle
Queen of Spackle
3 years ago

Yep I filed – I was also the one to kick him out….. He is the one who is delaying the whole process by taking forever to reply to each request. If you are so happy with your other woman, why?! More cake I think!!!

Foolishchump
Foolishchump
3 years ago

My theory is that as much as chumps are duped, the whores (female/male) are duped even more so. The king of all that bs is “can’t take you there, can’t do this, I love you but, etc, etc, etc because evil chump.” Divorce and dumping them takes away their plausible sounding excuses to their whores. Suddenly their bs excuses are gone with the wind and they are thrown into the very cold waters of having to deal with reality or come up with new bs…and we know that these idiots aren’t that creative.

Whore wants marriage….well…now they are divorced and free. Dance monkey dance. I don’t think any of them are actually capable of love or have any intentions of ever living up to the lies they told the whores. The lies were part of the fun. It was never supposed to be become real. I actually suspect that having to live up to their lies is a very special kind of hell and punishment for those fuckwits, thus the delays and resistance to divorce. No don’t seem to have any intentions to divorce because they actually don’t. It’s ruining their games.

Datdamwuf
Datdamwuf
3 years ago
Reply to  Foolishchump

Yep, they use the chump as a reason they can’t be with the AP and use it to cry a river, on and on. But in reality it’s because they want both lives. It’s sickening the lengths they will go. Ex actually went to live with his mother after I got the protective order rather than live with his OW. Then his mother kicked him out for drinking (major alcoholic). At that point he went to live with OW, within a week he signed up for Ashley Madison and took trips to meet skanks. I found that amusing. Within 6 months he attacked her. She used my PO as an extra reason to get hers but didn’t press charges even though she had a witness. She is reaping her deserved rewards, it’s my understanding he’s quite ill. It’s been many years and I rarely think about any of this, or come visit here, but this topic struck a chord. The refusal to divorce was definitely a problem, it usually costs chumps too much money because it takes us too long to realize we need to file yesterday. That’s why when I hung out here regularly I told everyone to file fast, file hard, use anything in state law that helps you, don’t be too damn fair with your settlement papers because they will bargain forever. But, no matter what, you file ASAP so there is an END date to negotiation that cannot be escaped. Very few of these assholes are willing to pay for even one day in court, and no wonder, that can cost $40K all by itself. And that is why they almost always settle before the date. Ex waited until 2 days before court to sign. But he signed.

Good luck to all the chumps out there, File fast!!!

Seasoned Chump
Seasoned Chump
3 years ago
Reply to  Datdamwuf

Yes! Cannot stress this enough. After dday#2, I lawyered up within 3 days and drew up separation agreement while cheater pants was in total twu wuv and willing ‘to give away the farm’ (literally) to be free with schmoops. Cause if a chump waits too long and cheater pants figures out grass isn’t greener and begs to come back, they risk a less favorable and delayed settlement/divorce.

RobinLee
RobinLee
3 years ago
Reply to  Datdamwuf

It’s good to hear from you, DDW! Thank you still helping out new chumps. CHUMPS! Word of wisdom right here!

NoMoreNuts
NoMoreNuts
3 years ago
Reply to  Foolishchump

I would be complaining to OW that he’s stalling divorce to avoid marrying her.

Doingme
Doingme
3 years ago

I was told he found someone and wanted a divorce. He asked his daughter to move in her basement because we weren’t getting along (news to me). This was prior to the announcement.

I threw him out when he said he was spending the night with needy mentally ill Nancy before he moved to daughters. I filed three months later and he was pissed. The pension he didn’t want (small) suddenly became valuable as he lived in squalor. He didn’t show up for court, do paperwork and his attorney withdrew when slur accompanied him and raged at her.

My attorney said he’d get half my pension yet when court ordered to show or default I ranted in the hallway in front of hundreds waiting for the doors to open. I told him he was a lying cheating asshole who wouldn’t be respected by adult children if he took my pension. He represented himself. I won. Fuck. Yay.

After the settlement he stated he thinks about me all the time. Have that fucker. He sucks and lives like a teenager.

Amazon Chump
Amazon Chump
3 years ago
Reply to  Doingme

He thinks about your pension!

UXworld
UXworld
3 years ago

Despite all of the shit that led up to it, KK and I agreed that we’d each get legal representation. Mine said that in our case it didn’t really matter who did the filing. KK’s attorney must have told her the same thing, because when I said I wanted to be the one who filed, there was no resistance.

I think she must have interpreted this as a willingness to “roll over and play ball,” whatever that meant to her. However, her ongoing behavior (lots of nights and weekends away from our daughters, being hospitalized for excessive alcohol consumption while on a trip to NYC with the Chlorine Special, a big bag of easily accessible sex paraphernalia in our bedroom, etc.), was such that I started insisting on specifics related to custody and retaining the family home.

My steadfastness on these issues moved our divorce into the “contested” category, and that’s when her gasket blew and the verbal abuse really started. 10 months in the same house while the lawyers, the court, and a GAL investigation sorted things out.

In hindsight, I’m very glad I did the filing, even if it was largely symbolic. For me, filing means that I’m the one who said “enough!”, I’m the one who said this is unacceptable, and I’m the one who started dictating the terms of separation after being dictated to (making my needs smaller and smaller, as part of the pick-me dance) for so long.

DodgedaBullet
DodgedaBullet
3 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

Oh so true! Totally glad I did the filing. Because I had finally had enough bullshit. Funny thing is fucker tried slinking back in a few times with stupid shit. Leaving flowers on my doorstep. Pulling the sad sausage/remorse act when a woman dumped him. He realized pretty quickly that the gig was up with me, so we’ve been all business now for years. I can’t unsee who he really is and he knows it.

I still find out or catch him lying about shit, but as long as it doesn’t impact me or my kids, so what? Why bother informing him that I can see the emperor has no clothes? I just laugh about it and move on.

So so glad that is was me who had finally had enough.

Sirchumpalot
Sirchumpalot
3 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

I got my power back by filing. So glad I did.

Badmovie19
Badmovie19
3 years ago
Reply to  Sirchumpalot

That’s exactly what my chump friend told me, take back your power. By me filing, I drove the settlement process, custody, and I took half his pension.

Amazon Chump
Amazon Chump
3 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

I never thought of it that way, i.e., ‘I’m the one that said this is unacceptable.’ I do remember him saying (when I accused him of adultery), “You’re making me out to be the bad guy!!” I just said, “You are the bad guy.” It’s image management. That’s why it could only have been me to file and thank God I did!

ivyleaguechump
ivyleaguechump
3 years ago
Reply to  Amazon Chump

Mine is a sad sausage seeking sympathy: “She threw me out!” Mr. Innocent has NO idea why anybody would throw his fabulous self out. It makes me look like an intolerant bitch in his eyes, and helps his self-impression management. God forbid he actually acknowledge he is an entitled asshole with the morals of a cheap condiment, but with less usefulness.

Left It ALL Behind
Left It ALL Behind
3 years ago
Reply to  ivyleaguechump

That is SO funny! Cheap condiment has me dying laughing. So true. Thanks, I needed a laugh today. Might make CC the loser’s new nickname since it isn’t offensive to others and highly appropriate.

UXworld
UXworld
3 years ago
Reply to  ivyleaguechump

In the very beginning, there was definitely an element of SS impression management mindset with KK was well: “I was more than willing to keep working on things — UXworld was the one who insisted on divorcing.”

That thinking was flipped on its head very quickly once I started standing my ground: “UXworld is just being angry and bitter because I left him — I’m so glad I removed myself from his controlling nature.”

Marge
Marge
3 years ago

I asked him to leave right away. After 40 years, I just couldn’t even look at him without going into a panic attack. I called an attorney and my financial advisor the next day. Saw the lawyer with my oldest daughter two days later. I then called the cheater and asked two questions. One, do you love her and his answer was yes. The second was was this affair going to continue if I didn’t catch you and again the answer was yes. I called the lawyer the next day and told her to start the process. Now 7 months later we are divorced. Now he is telling me I went too fast, didn’t give it time, still loves me, etc. etc. It’s not easy but after learning the affair had gone on for over 21/2 years, I was done. I’m too old now to wait for him to fix himself!!!!

Linda
Linda
3 years ago
Reply to  Marge

Good for you Marge. Mine told me he wanted a divorce no discussion never said a word about unhappiness etc etc. Had a wonderful life retired for almost 20 years, married almost 40, 39 and 6 months actually. Told him get the “f” out that same day and put the house up for sale, got a lawyer and separation agreement. I was moved into my new house in a new town 6 weeks later. I was just about to start divorce process when the cheater (who moved in with whore immediately ) was diagnosed with Brian cancer and 14 months later was dead. I have had mixed feelings about his death and the brain tumour mostly because I found it incredible that he could do this to me after 40 years together. Then just last week while I was closing an old email account of his I discovered he was on a dating site at least 5 years looking for a fling. So there’s the answer to the question was it the tumour that made him cheat NO it was his conscience decision. I am grateful that he left, I can’t imagine how I would feel if I had nursed him through his cancer and grieving him only to now find out he had been cheating for who knows how long. I’m 3 years out from D-Day and doing well. Hope you are too.

Amazon Chump
Amazon Chump
3 years ago
Reply to  Linda

Blessings come in all kinds of ways. And blessings to you!

Susan
Susan
3 years ago

My ex filed because the alimony laws changed. Four years of draining assets – while stupid me thought he didn’t really want a divorce. Why would he toss 33 years of marriage for a woman married 3 times. He demanded I get on with the divorce and said I needed to be done with it by the end of the year. He filed thinking it would be quick. It wasn’t. Now he pays all the taxes on the alimony. He was not happy.

My advice document all your assets. He’s not coming back. Get what you deserve. Leave for the emotion for after the divorce. It will be the toughest fight you will ever go through. Save your breath trying to reason with him – it will be turned back on you.

ImAPhool
ImAPhool
3 years ago

I filed. Twice. The first time he didn’t want to do it and begged me not to but then when he was ready to sign I chickened out and cancelled it, hoping he would change while doing the pick me dance. A few months later when finally realizing he’ll always be an asshole I filed again and this time was over. For good. Best decision ever.

Sodisturbed73
Sodisturbed73
3 years ago

We weren’t married so that made it easier. But he still begged me to take our European vacation together after DDay #4. When I cancelled my flights he took his drug dealing teenager and moved out. But stalled everytime he needed to sign something for the mortgage and house to be in my name only. Refused to answer my texts or calls asking why he was stalling. He refused to stop using our joint bank account (I had no money in there but seeing it every time I looked at my own account online was triggering). I had to call and close it. That account has still popped open a couple times because he’s still trying to use it. I have to call and explain to the bank over and over again.

Sandra
Sandra
3 years ago
Reply to  Sodisturbed73

Take all that money that is “jointly” in your name. It’s legally yours if he hasn’t removed you. That will get his attention and he will close that account to start a new one. Maybe or maybe not you’ll return the money after.

Beans
Beans
3 years ago

After four affairs over as many years (that I KNEW of) I caught him snuggled up at the bar with a coworker 14 years his junior 27 days after my father died of cancer. He followed me home, smirked at me and told me he would always be a cheater because he had cheated on everyone he had ever been with. Then he left.

I filed 3 days later, this happened on a Saturday. Coincidentally I filed on Halloween.

Attie
Attie
3 years ago
Reply to  Beans

That smirk is the nail in any heart isn’t it!

Beans
Beans
3 years ago
Reply to  Attie

Oh it is. Just like a fucking teenager, which is coincidentally just like his whole mentality apparently. Hands jammed in his pockets and all.

As a hysterical aside, I confronted them in the bar and gave 24 year old OW a quick rundown of his cheating history while he was desperately trying to close out the tab. She chose not to believe me. He dated (screwed) her for the next four months, met her parents twice, then dumped her three days before Valentines Day bc he “wasn’t ready for a relationship, he just got divorced.” I was told she was bawling and making a fool of herself all over their workplace. I smirked then.

She Won't Even Notice!
She Won't Even Notice!
3 years ago

I made the classic mistake of texting my ex to let him know that I was filing for divorce, so my fuckwit knew that the paperwork was coming. As a calm, rational, and responcible adult he had a plan: everytime my process server went to schmoopie’s house to serve him, my fuckwit would hide in the bedroom.

How do I know this?

Schmoopie is my NEXT DOOR NEIGHBOR AND OUR BEDROOM WINDOWS LOOK OUT AT EACH OTHER.

It gets dumber.

No. Really.

My office is ALSO in our dead-end neighborhood, and we live in a small town. And have you ever heard about the stereotype of small-town gossip? Oh yeah. It’s true. Can you imagine how fun and exciting it is to have people visit your office all day long to give you updates? “Oh, your husband is at Schmoopie’s house again, but he won’t answer the door for Bob!” Did I say ‘fun?’ I meant ‘nightmarish,’ because I couldn’t even go to work to temporarily escape my drama for a few hours.

The only reason why he ended up getting served is because AND I FUCKING SHIT YOU NOT, my divorce attorney ALSO lived in the same dead-end neighborhood in our small town.

So that was fun.

Now this is the part when you read my story and you’ll say to yourself, “that sounds fake even by soap opera standards.”

I find out that Schmoopie and Fuckwit are going to move. Good, right? At least I won’t have to see them in my tiny corner of the world.
But.
But…
But…!
I find out that they are moving because I am the property manager in my dead-end neighborhood, and they applied to live next door to my office instead of next door to my home because my life is a joke and every day is hell.
According to Google, there are 1,483 other homes he could have moved into, but he had to choose the one that’d cause me the most pain.

FormerlyKnownAs
FormerlyKnownAs
3 years ago

What I don’t get is why these other women/men go along with the ex assholes to torture the chumps. If I were the other woman, I’d want to stay as far away from the chump as possible. What do they get out of that?

SuperColossalChump
SuperColossalChump
3 years ago

Sadly my fuckwit is a pathological liar. He can make up the shittiest scenarios. I am the evil one because he made it all up and keeps building on his story over time like a movie sequel.

He did this with my stepkids while we were together!! I even adopted the oldest because their bio mother is a piece of shit as well. The oldest talks to me once in a while and the boy is very rare.

Its very scary and never going to know what to expect in court.

Nemo
Nemo
3 years ago

They feel special, and powerful, and perfectly justified in tormenting the evil ex. “I’m the winner, I got the prize!”

Cam
Cam
3 years ago
Reply to  Nemo

They’re too stupid to realize it’s the booby prize.

Amazon Chump
Amazon Chump
3 years ago

Those people are so, so sick in the head. Please find it all funny else it will drive you bananas.

SuperColossalChump
SuperColossalChump
3 years ago

I filed, but not without waiting for the best moment. After DDAY #~, fuckwit finally stopped coming to the house at the end of November 2017. He had a burner phone, but randomly would use his phone calling the whore. I noticed a call to a luxury resort in Yosemite in early December. He was still making up excuses why he was leaving the house.

Come end of January, his birthday and bitchwhore’s birthday are 2 days apart. Claiming he was going on a “club” trip. I knew where he was going but all lies and kept saying it over and over so that makes it true.

On his birthday I called concierge and left a gift basket for his room and bitch whores wishing him a happy birthday and the gift of divorce papers will be there when he gets back. Concierge was hilarious, said I wasn’t the first sadly.

I followed up with a text saying same thing and a week later filed and served him shortly after. I have already been talking with an attorney 3 months prior. Its crazy, even though all the infinite DDays, i still cried in my car after it was done. That was 2 years ago and I am still not divorced with a shitload of attorney changes, delays by the courts. COVID, and his failure to respond. I think this is why I was crying.

Its hell divorcing a fuckwit, but I hear where there is darkness, there will be light.

Happy Friday CN!!

Better Alone
Better Alone
3 years ago

02/14/15 is Dday. I retained a lawyer right away thinking we will sort it out together and I will just use my lawyer to double check the settlement agreement. He takes offense that I got a lawyer. We go through a lot of unproductive back and forth until the end of March when I find out he’s bringing his mother to live with us for two months in April.
Early May, he cuts me off financially. Completely. I find out at a gas station, out of state, one evening. That’s also when I learned only one person is needed to close a joint account.
End of May, his fucking mother finally leaves to return home after having done so much damage to the family dynamic, to my kids and the situation as a whole. Soon after, the asshole stbx gets physically abusive toward our son. I instructed my lawyer to pull the trigger and file the next day.
It took three weeks and almost $500 just to serve him. One because I didn’t want it to be done at the house in front of the children (I wish now I had not taken the high road). Two because he was protected at work and it was difficult to get to him. And three because he probably knew it was coming and knew delaying would be good for him.
He was finally served after a car chase during rush hour on his way to work in DC. And then the shit show of the procedure began…

ICanSeeTheMehComing!
ICanSeeTheMehComing!
3 years ago

Close to 12 months after he moved out and just about my one year anniversary of being a CN reader (but not yet a contributor)… I invited him over to discuss divorce terms. He showed up with two bottles of wine, the movie Jersey Boys, and tried to seduce me on the couch while his phone was lighting us with texts from the OW(so he said).

I rebuffed his advances (thank you CN and CL)… and I filed pro se about a month later with the same terms I had wanted to present to him (whereby I was actually buying him out). He was underwhelmed by my offer, got quite angry and ignored the filing complaint, and ranted “I could’ve f*cked you that night if I had wanted to…” and that was when I knew that I had to hire a lawyer.

I found a good one that I could afford. I liked her personality, she knew the local courts/judges well as she had been practicing family law for 20 years. And when I told her I had pre-nup, she admonished me for offering him a nickel. Mr. Sparkles was served while I was on a business trip to Prague. I still remember waking up to a text from him that said, “NICE. You hired a lawyer.” I ignored it (practicing no contact).

So, he hired a lawyer and I amended my complaint to include adultery which named the OW (he tried to tell me she was going to sue me for libel if I didn’t drop the complaint, I told him she could go right ahead – it isn’t libel if it is true).

Still, the courts and Mr. Sparkles dragged it out… took almost 16 months to resolve because Mr. Sparkles kept missing deadlines. He even tried to blow off the court date to sign the mediated agreement (I got everything) and the Judge literally called him at work and told him he had 30 minutes to be standing in front of her.

He left in August, 2014 and it took me until December, 16 to get it done. It has been worth every penny. And, for what it is worth, the OW dumped him because she discovered he was cheating on HER so he didn’t get to ride off in to the sunset right away… it took about another six weeks to land the GF he has now and who thinks he’s the victim of phishing attacks on dating sites (someone stole his dating profile and is now using it unbeknownst to him). #specialkindastupidthere

Linda
Linda
3 years ago

BRAVO! WELL DONE YOU!

Karen
Karen
3 years ago

I filed on the grounds of adultery. His lawyer counter filed alleging mental cruelty because “I would never be able to prove adultery.” After a long trial, the judge agreed with me and granted a divorce for adultery and summarily dismissed his claim. Now it’s on his permanent record that he is a cheating asshole.

Laura
Laura
3 years ago

He filed because I refused to. If he wanted out he had to file. His AP pushed him to file because I wouldn’t. Worked out well for me because he abandoned the marital home etc. Got 56% of joint assets and mortgage paid off. He got his child bride to help with his Peter Pan Syndrome and I am happier than I was married to his narcissistic ass. Even completed a Technical Certificate with Cum Laude distinction. Not bad for a 60 yo goddess.

thelongrun
thelongrun
3 years ago
Reply to  Laura

Righteous! Righteous!

kimsoverit
kimsoverit
3 years ago
Reply to  Laura

Well Done! I also refused to make it easier for him to divorce me, and told him I’d happily sign the divorce papers, to have me served and begin the process. This took him 6 months to do. Signed the initial filings with a mutual acquaintance over a bottle of wine and appetizers that he paid for. He was incensed that I’d hired an attorney. Best money I ever spent! He was awol for many Court appearances, lied in all of his financial dealings, fired his attorney and lost a great deal. He hid loans he had taken out from his Partnership, was inexplicably ‘fired’ and when he filed to have support payments lowered, the Judge actually raised them substantially. He was, is, will continue to be a complete dumbass Fuckwit.
So much happier without him!!!

Amazon Chump
Amazon Chump
3 years ago
Reply to  Laura

Congratulations!! Ditto on the “Well done!”

Kathyglo
Kathyglo
3 years ago
Reply to  Laura

Well done!

Phoebe
Phoebe
3 years ago

He would never quit cheating. He would never divorce me. I don’t think he could even wrap his head around the fact that he wouldn’t be married to me. Five years later he is married to the OW. I’m pretty sure they are both cheating. He will never divorce her. He enjoys the stability of a marriage, that someone is home for him, that he is never alone, that he has someone to do things with, that to the rest of the world he looks like he is an average Joe. He can’t be alone. He can’t be in a committed relationship. I filed.

Her Blondeness
Her Blondeness
3 years ago
Reply to  Phoebe

Phoebe, you just described Cheater #2 to a “t”. Can’t be alone. Can’t commit. Fuck that shit.

thelongrun
thelongrun
3 years ago
Reply to  Her Blondeness

Phoebe and Her Blondeness,

Holy shit. Now that I think of it, that describes the FW XW perfectly. She cannot be alone, and in all her relationships, at some point she cannot honor her commitment. And the new AP is her new fuck buddy to keep her from being alone, and for which she had to break her commitment w/her previous partner in order to seduce him. It just reveals a little bit more to me about how fucked up she is. A new way of looking at her that I hadn’t really thought about.

Best wishes to you both for having to deal with these people, and for all the rest of us as well. Because that covers most if not all adulterers, doesn’t it?

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
3 years ago

Similar story here. He got found out. He wouldn’t stop seeing Schmoopie. He moved out and showed no interest in reconciling but never seemed to get around to filing for divorce either. At first I was just going to wait him out. “He’s the one who doesn’t want to be married anymore, let him do the work”. Six months after DDay, however, I finally realized that he was never going to come back or file for divorce and I wasn’t going to be able to heal and move on unless we were divorced. At that point I told him we had to get divorced. Technically, we filed jointly but I am the one who did all of the work. He just showed up to a few meetings with the mediator and signed some papers. I am fortunate in that he took a completely passive approach. He didn’t initiate it but he didn’t try to stop it or slow it down or screw me in the agreement either. He’s lucky too, however, in that I didn’t ask for any more than I needed. I probably could have screwed him financially when he was in that state but I chose not to do so.

Lemony98
Lemony98
3 years ago

I ended up filing after DD#2 and 1.5 years of reconciliation (aka just never ask for anything/question my shady behavior/expect me to pull my weight and everything will be just fine!). He made the bomb, threw it into our lives and then was teary eyed with shock at the mess it made. It used to make me angry that I had to do all the heavy lifting, but it worked in my favor. All of the arrangements were made while he was in guilty sad sausage mode, and he rolled over on pretty much everything. Now, three years later, I see filing as one of the first steps I took to take charge of my life.

Tall One
Tall One
3 years ago

She told me she wanted a divorce (this was after a 6-month “hold” attempt to stay to together). THEN I found out about the affair. I suppose we filed together; we met a mediator together which didn’t go well.
We did Collaborative Divorce which has its benefits.

I guess my point to newbies is that it can happen ANY WAY, just get through it. Its better on this side.

nomar
nomar
3 years ago

After my cheating ex wife was caught out, she had a long list of why she’d been unhappy with me for many years. Still, she never filed, or even said she wanted a divorce. And after I filed, she dragged her feet. Cheaters say we’re unbearable, but they won’t let us go!

These folks remind me of two old ladies complaining about a restaurant they went to all the time. “The food there isn’t very good,” says one. And the other answers, “Yeah, and the portions are so small!”

Badmovie19
Badmovie19
3 years ago
Reply to  nomar

Yeah the laundry list/ Seinfeld episode of Festivus airing of the grievances. Stuff going so far back that one grievance was pre-marital! The D word never even came up. He spewed his affair admission at me and then raged about all my shortcomings. When he said he refused counseling and wouldn’t end relationship with married howorker, I knew I was left with no choice but to file. He carried out his affair for 1 year before I found out yet I was the one who filed. Lazy mofos.

Nothing Chumpares 2 U
Nothing Chumpares 2 U
3 years ago

Married over 2 decades. 3 kids. 3 years prior she said “something was missing”. Marriage counseling (couples and individual). Amazing reconnection and re-proposal of marriage vows (complete with new rings). She was “never happier in her whole life and never felt closer to me”.
D-Day 2019, “Something is missing”….”I love you but I am not in love with you”.
2 months after D-Day SHE filed for divorce. No explanation….nothing made any sense nor was there any logic.
Fast forward a few months and my investigation turns up the UGLY truth and mountain of LIES. She had been cheating since a little before D-Day.

Cue Van Halen…….

” Ah, might as well Chump
CHUMP !
Might as well Chump
Go ahead an’ Chump
CHUMP !
Go ahead and Chump”

Had I known the truth right away, I probably would have filed immediately
Thinking back, same MO 3 years ago….I would bet $$$ she cheated then too.

So, I guess I am in the 10%, Chumplady…..cheating/lying STBX filed

About 10 months after D-Day, she tried to tell me she still loves my and thought we could date. But she can tell by the way I look at her I have no feelings left.

REALLY?

You cheat and lie to everyone then you are sad for yourself because your husband has moved on. (Obviously your Bro-Worker had enough of your crazy…who files for divorce and then wants to date the person they are divorcing?) You cannot make this shit up!

Pity party? Narcissist much?

Badmovie19
Badmovie19
3 years ago

A narc circling back to old supply. She’ll Hoover you until fresh supply comes along.

Rebecca
Rebecca
3 years ago

Complicated answer…
I came home from a week in a psychiatric hospital for suicidality to find he had hired a lawyer and filed.
I had sent him an email from the hospital’s computer telling him where I was and that I wanted a divorce.
Apparently he thought the email was too well-written and could only have been written by an attorney. So he immediately hired a barracuda and filed.
He’s a fucking attorney and couldn’t tell his own wife’s writing style from that of a divorce lawyer?
Got him to withdraw the filing, got my own barracuda and filed myself.
In the end, it just doesn’t matter.
When people ask me what year I got divorced, I don’t even remember. THAT’S the most important thing.

thelongrun
thelongrun
3 years ago
Reply to  Rebecca

Rebecca,

Fuck him. What an asshole. Good for you for moving on. Don’t waste another second on that POS. Blessings to you going forward. And no, I’m not religious. Just sounds right.

Queen of Swords
Queen of Swords
3 years ago

James Bond decided that he had to permanently leave the country, while I was at work, because he could not stand it one more minute when I asked him, “Who were you muttering to on the phone?” He left behind his clothes, his computer equipment, books, everything in the house, his car, he only stole a photo, belonging to me (but not of me, he had no use for that).

So I was advised by our faith’s elders to file for divorce, because who knew what damage he could do. It took me six months before I finally told him I was sending the papers to him, and he drug proceedings out at every single opportunity, lasting 2 years and 3 months, and I paid the expenses. It was expensive, but that’s the cost of freedom.

thelongrun
thelongrun
3 years ago

Queen of Swords,

Good for you. May he rot in Hell. And you made me realize, there can be another meaning for chumps like us when we see the bumper sticker (or whatever) proclaiming “Freedom isn’t free,” or something like that. No it sure as hell isn’t. But it is sweeter than being around those piece of shits.

I sincerely hope you are in a much better place mentally, emotionally and spiritually. It sounds like you may be. Best wishes to you and your family.

jc
jc
3 years ago

Our stories are identical. I was shocked when the cheater, who moved out, said he was never coming back, was upset I had filed for divorce. Like, what did he expect? Lol. My best decision as well!

Movementpoem
Movementpoem
3 years ago

He cheated. He told me straight out, “I’m not attracted to you. I don’t love you. I don’t want to be married to you.” I asked, “Then why are you here?!?!” He literally shrugged his shoulders and walked out of the room.
This went on for YEARS. When I finally did file, he fought me on everything, especially custody for 3 1/2 years before it was final. Even though he had a couple of different” serious long term”girlfriends throughout.
He tried to use the “your mom’s the one who filed” bullshit on our kids. They don’t care. They know he’s an asshole. To be honest, I’m now grateful I’m the one who filed. It’s the moment I started taking my life back!
My advice to my fellow Chumps is everything Chumplady preaches – lawyer up fast with the best attorney you can get. File first. Document everything. Be the sane parent. No contact or Gray Rock. Self care. You’ve got this! There is SO. MUCH. JOY. on the other side!

Sarah Bachman
Sarah Bachman
3 years ago

I filed 4 months after d-day. I served him the papers in a joint counseling session. I called the therapist to let her know ahead of time. I calmly handed him the envelope and then pulled out my copy to go over it so he knew he had to respond. He had been asking me not to file, but he is an unrepentant adulterer and 4 months of therapy and his pathetic behavior only confirmed it. I have 2 daughters and I HAD to show them that there are lines that do not get crossed in a marriage. And it’s been awful, but I have honor and integrity and he is a cheating liar who lies.

Amazon Chump
Amazon Chump
3 years ago
Reply to  Sarah Bachman

Good for you for setting a good example to your girls! Don’t let assholes abuse you no matter how much you may love them!

BBM
BBM
3 years ago

I filed after years of pick-me-dancing and then her finally leaving to “gain her independence back” because I was “smothering her”. Met my Ex-Wife at McDonalds after dropping the kids at school for their first day to tell her. She was shocked. I’m fascinated by all these stories of the cheater being shocked. I can’t help but want to crawl in their heads and see how that’s even possible.

Blueeye Girl
Blueeye Girl
3 years ago

I am waiting on him to file because if he wants it he needs to do it. He has not as of yet but tells me every day can we please get divorced. He wants us to file together and use the same attorney so he does not look bad to his family. He has bought his own house now and the sank now lives with him. He has also bought a couple of cars and maybe buying a lakehouse. He can just keep buying all this stuff while still married cause I will for sure enjoy some of it once he does file. He also told me I’m holding him hostage since I will not go file with him. I wonder what story he tells sank as to why he is not divorced yet????

FreeWoman
FreeWoman
3 years ago
Reply to  Blueeye Girl

Do not use the same attorney! Absurd. You need your own, and you should probably get that going, so you can get their good advice! Wishing you luck, your husband sounds pretty entitled.

Finding Peace
Finding Peace
3 years ago
Reply to  Blueeye Girl

I would go file-it will rock his world! Make sure you get evidence of adulterous behavior before you file. You might get more than 1/2.

GuideDog
GuideDog
3 years ago

We filed together after mediation but of course after saying she wanted a divorce she wasn’t actually doing anything towards divorce. Eventually I made all the arrangements for the mediator. In hindsight she was probably stalling to see if everything was working out with schmoopie and to see if he would keep his side of the agreement. As he was living with his girlfriend.
After she got the key to her new apartment she took almost a month to move in. When I got annoyed at her sluggish moving she actually got angry. She said: you want me out of your life that bad!
Amazing

DarkQueen68
DarkQueen68
3 years ago

I filed. After being thrown to the wolves emotionally, physically, and financially I asked him twice to file jointly and amicably divorce. Both times he played the reconciliation game. Four months into the mind fuck he TEXTED me that “it just wasn’t sitting right.” We should live separate lives, but not “do anything yet” and he hoped we could be friends for our kids and families. I spent the ensuing three months educating myself. Filed on January 3rd, 2019 on grounds of abandonment. He and The Downgrade got sloppy on social media. With the evidence I needed, I amended my filing to adultery two weeks later, naming her. Officially divorced 4 months later. Shithead and his (estate planning) attorney tried to convince me to change the grounds to irreconcilable differences. I said no!
I just celebrated my first Freedomversary!! Yay, me! Good riddance to bad rubbish!

chumpfor12
chumpfor12
3 years ago

I suspected an inappropriate relationship between exhole and howorker the end of June 2017. I had no confirmation or proof, but my instincts knew. I unknowingly pick me danced until August 2017 and I left everything but the kids and pets and went home to my mother’s while he was in Chicago on a business trip with howorker. As soon as exhole returned from his business trip he filed for divorce. He said it was because I had left the state (IN) with the kids and he was protecting his parental rights. Which translates to, I’m protecting my ass and assets because divorce in NC (where my parents live) is way more costly than a divorce in Indiana. In reality there was no way I could have filed for divorce in NC until I had been living there for 6 months. Divorced can be quickie in Indiana, only a 60 day waiting period, I signed the divorce papers first,he couldn’t believe I signed right away. Once I signed, he had 7 days to sign. I forced his hand, there was no going back.

Rad Momma
Rad Momma
3 years ago

DO NOT DELAY FILING
Get a loan. Borrow money.
Do what you have to.

LEARN FROM MY PAIN.
He kicks us out in 2015 because I wouldn’t put up with him running around. (Women from church, including some teenagers.)
Pretends to get help and desire to put family back together.
2016 says divorce is necessary for us to find a new path.
I find evidence of him dating.
2017. I try filing pro se. he rejects the papers and hires an attorney to “fix my papers that two lawyers told me were acceptable.”
I hired and filed.
He flipped what he agreed to for an entire year.
During that time, he and schmoopie had moved in together, consolidated finances, stockpiled commission money and bought a big house.
I live in a trailer.
End of 2018.
He signs the agreement in mediation.
He marries her and convinces the kids to sign papers electing him less than a month later.
He re-filed for custody.
Trial next week.

PLEASE READ THIS!!!
If you sign an agreement all previous evidence and behavior is void!!!
So although I have a literal encyclopedia Brittanica of evidence against him, it’s not necessarily admissible.
Some of it is based on the judge’s discretion.

“What’s the problem? He’s been a model citizen since your previous agreement!”

And his reasons get excuses while my reasons are inadmissible.

Money is finite. You can file bankruptcy if you have to, but get a judge to hear you and make that determination.

You have to stop projecting your mentality on to theirs and realize this person will do everything possible to ruin you.

OptionNoMore
OptionNoMore
3 years ago

When he left at the end of 2017, he thought he was so smart in presenting me a 3-page legal separation agreement that was a template he filled out off the internet.

I didn’t sign it and off he went. Our son with Autism derailed and that took my energy. He never mentioned that agreement again. In August of 2018, I finally bring it up to him and ask him if he wanted to use a mediator to make it less expensive. He was aghast! Why use lawyers? Surely we can do this on our own.

Well, I already had a lawyer who had consulted me in setting up a new access arrangement with the kids that was no longer the 50/50 that he had initially proposed so that “neither one of us needs to pay child support.” My son was doing so much better and the lawyer advised to let it sit for a while in order to establish “de facto” custody.

He didn’t want a lawyer. For the following months, I asked him questions about what he wanted and then let the lawyer know so she could draw up different parts of the agreement. April 2019 is when I present him a 30-page agreement. He was in shock. Still didn’t take it to a lawyer. Two months later, I insisted that he needed to get is own “certificate of independent legal advice” if he wanted any change of getting his money from the house. He stalled the process for an additional four months. It all became official October of 2019, if finally all got settled (1 year 10 months).

Now it’s a matter of filing for divorce. I regret now that I didn’t do it all together with the agreement. I know that I will have to file and pay for it, but it’s the best gift that I am going to ever give myself.

I don’t think he stalled because he wanted cake. I think he didn’t because (i) he truly didn’t care, (ii) wanted it to be easy, (iii) didn’t want to spend money. Same goes with the divorce.

But you know for us chumps. After years of being scammed, not knowing the truth of our marriages, it was empowering for me to take control of the legal separation and divorce. Finally, I got my say. Finally, I knew what was going on in my own life. Finally, I was empowered.

notameangirl
notameangirl
3 years ago

Ex actually said to me, “I thought if I treated you badly enough you would do the divorce (I wouldn’t have to, implied.) Like, yeah, it works that way. Typical of his thinking. Still to this day!

We had a brief exchange–unusual–and he said that if he’d known he would lose his only child forever he might have done things differently. I obviously, am a pile of chopped liver. What a maroon.

Amusing karma tale: he now lives in the town where child was conceived, works where he worked when we lived together, minus gorgeous 18th c. house now worth gazillions (we did not pay gazillions), and his sugar moma requires in-home care. ooopsie. So much for dreams of California beaches and et cet.

Amazon Chump
Amazon Chump
3 years ago
Reply to  notameangirl

I didn’t have to do anything to see Karma for the dick. He married his skank and they bought a gorgeous house. He also bought a $160K motorhome that I refused to allow him to buy. Then they bought a timeshare in Mexico so they could walk hand-in-hand on the beach. I must admit, I was a little forlorn about it all but I went on with my life and had fun doing things that I could afford. 3 years after our divorce, his skank moved her aging parents to a retirement mobile trailer park. Then he retired…, and his retirement checks didn’t go as far so the dick and the skank bought a fixer-up trailer in the trailer park, sold the gorgeous home, and live within walking distance of the skank’s parents. Then in the last year his new father-in-law has such bad health problems that he can no longer drive. As the skank still works; the dick has to drive his mother- and father-in-law to and from doctor’s visits; the dick has to buy groceries for them; the dick has to pick up prescriptions for them. The dick’s aging mother bought a trailer in the same trailer park and has moved in just down the road from them. So now the dick is shuttling her around town and picking up her medications and groceries. My son visiting told me that the last time he saw his dad, his dad said, “This isn’t how I planned on spending my retirement.” For the last few years of our marriage, he had stated several times that he wanted to buy a country club membership and golf everyday in his retirement. You know, had we still been married, he probably would have seen his dream, but now, Karma.

Badmovie19
Badmovie19
3 years ago
Reply to  Amazon Chump

That’s awesome. Selfish prick is now gopher for aging retirement community family members & his retirement dreams are stuck in the sand trap.

sap
sap
3 years ago

He filed for divorce and set up mediation. From discovery to divorce being final was 11 months. I knew a few things in previous years but the cognitive dissonance was strong and I didn’t believe he had a double life even though it was in my face. It took me months for it all to sink in and to understand what had been happening throughout my ten year marriage.
I think if his girlfriend had been closer he might have dragged it out longer. She (21 years old) lived in Brazil an we are in the States (he was 38 at that time). I don’t think he could find a way to justify leaving me and two kids to go to Brazil so he filed for divorce. I said he had to file if he wanted a divorce. Sex with a woman almost half his age was a very motivating factor apparently. He went to visit her the week after I moved his kids across the county to my parent’s. He saw her – living in another country – more than he saw his own children that year! So we had a fairly quick and easy divorce. I got what I needed easily enough. She moved the the US and they are married now. Lucky girl… she won a real prize. A middle aged man with ZERO ability to be faithful or even honest.

Beth
Beth
3 years ago

For me, there were two reasons for being the one to file. At the time I filed we had both retained counsel and were negotiating an agreement but he was dragging his feet on fully disclosing all his financial information (like how much money he’d taken out of his 401K to support his stripper habit). He was also living in another county over an hour away and had been there long enough to establish residency and jurisdiction if he chose to file first. My attorney did some research and the county he was living in was notoriously bad about awarding adequate spousal support compared to the county where I live. So the first reason to file was to a) ensure that jurisdiction was established in the court of my choosing; and b) start the Discovery process since it was clear he was not going to turn over his financial information without a court order to do so.

The second and most important reason to file first was that I wanted to be in control of the process. I would have stayed married to that man forever. ALL of the decisions that led to the end of my marriage were made by him – the lies, the cheating, the financial misconduct, the risks to my health, etc. There were years and years that I was unwittingly living in a state of chaos and harm without my consent. Being the one to file as an important step in taking back my power to control my own destiny; to be in charge of my life again. Waiting for someone who had abused me in one way or another for three decades to “do the right thing” was pointless. The only one who was interested in doing right by me and my children was me so I did.

Hope Springs
Hope Springs
3 years ago
Reply to  Beth

Yes…”control of the process” was why I was the one to file. Reading everyone’s stories. Trying to figure out how not to write a book????.

Newlady15
Newlady15
3 years ago

I just had a lightbulb moment!!
It WAS me that filed first, me that pushed through the divorce while he yanked everyone around, even getting “fired” by the lawyer he never wanted to hire. He wanted to mediate which was a disaster since he lied about everything and the mediator saw that. He left when Schmoopie allowed him to move in. I have always felt like he left me but he did nothing to make sure the divorce happened. Dragged his heels for 2 years. So yes I divorced that asshole . I did. That is my narrative now. Thank you!! Wow how they mess with our heads!!