It’s been a little over three months (March) since my husband of 7 years informed me that I needed to leave our home with our 6-year-old and (at the time) 1-month-old after I discovered he had been having an affair.
He had already told me he planned to divorce me the day before Thanksgiving and it took me months to figure out why. I was busy going to school and working so I didn’t have much time for snooping. I just figured he was unhappy and wanted a fresh start and I loved him enough to agree to separate amicably.
It was anything but… He was hostile and angry and my pregnancy was a miserable experience (he locked me out of my bedroom and I was forced to sleep with my son on his twin bed until my belly couldn’t take it anymore and then I slept on a mattress on the floor. I suppose I should explain that I continued to stay in our home because A) I had nowhere else to go and B) I was coming up on my last semester of nursing school and couldn’t quit that far in.)
Anyway to make a long story short, a month after I gave birth, I found the evidence that I needed. She had bought him chocolates for Valentines day and included a card that read how happy he made her heart and how happy he made her body parts and how she hoped they would spend many more Valentine days together. I can’t tell you the emotions that went through my head… I gather you probably know what that feels like. But my husband is the only man I’ve ever been with and this hurt like a sonofabitch. He ended up telling me to pack up the kids and leave after we had a massive argument that night.
I’ve been at my mom’s ever since… and boy has this been a roller coaster. For a while I was angry and then I wanted to die…and then both simultaneously…on repeat for weeks. Its been 3 months since then and I’m just starting to feel like I can think clearer. I was starting to feel positive, hopeful, getting more restful with baby’s sleeping pattern. But today made me super angry.
Before he used to spend the night at the OW’s house, but today my neighbor told me that she’s been frequenting our home pretty regularly. Why do I still call it my home? Ugh… She’s sitting on my furniture, using my kitchen table, and screwing my husband on a bed where we created our kids. The bed I cried on when we lost several babies to miscarriage. I worked so damn hard to get us into that home and she’s in there with him and he invited her in. I’m over here changing diapers, staying up nights, studying for my boards and he gets to live like a bachelor. No conscience — no soul. I don’t know how to begin to get “meh” about that. I want to claw her eyes out and I want him to hurt as bad as I do. I could never do something like that to him — why then can he do this to me and not feel the slightest bit of guilt?
Is there no karmic justice? This is it? Suck it up and wait for the pain to pass? Do the daily grind and fake it in front of the kids? I need to know there’s something better waiting on the other side of this. Because right now all it is, is a bunch of soul crushing pain.
Thanks in advance,
Oh Eve! I just want to give you a long, squeeze-the-stuffing-out-of-you hug. You are a mighty beyond words to suffer this kind of trauma AND get through nursing school AND give birth AND raise an infant AND a six-year-old.
However much this hurts right now (and we get it… like your guts are pouring out of a blown-open hole in your chest and you can’t staunch the flow and you feel like you’re going to die, but every day you must walk around like, “Oh? Mortal wound? No, I’m fine.”), the pain WILL END. (On a Tuesday.) Truly, there is an amazing world on the other side.
There will be other houses. There will be other kitchens. There will be other bedrooms. There will be a NEW LIFE that has not been defiled by your old life. I know you worked hard for those things. Sometimes when our minds cannot really grasp the full horror of betrayal and abuse, we focus on the tangible stuff we lost.
For Mr. CL, it was Christmas ornaments. All the glued together popsicle stick art the kids made. The sentimental stuff. The injustice of losing half of those holiday touchstones to his kids about broke him. For me, when I went through this shit, I had just planted a garden. I had put in an expensive Japanese maple. And while the divorce was dragging on and I moved out, and the OW was playing house in “our” house (and I still owned said house), I drove over one day and I dug that motherfucker up, put it in a giant rubbermaid container and took it to work. I gave it to a co-worker who was a master gardener. Fourteen years later, he still tells me how that Japanese maple is doing. Sends me the occasional snap shot.
Millions of people have passed through this site who have lost their hearts and their homes and recovered. And you will too. Because you’re a fighter. You’re an absolute badass of resiliency. You’re sitting NURSING BOARDS now?
He had already told me he planned to divorce me the day before Thanksgiving
While you were pregnant with his child? Before the holidays? And you have a first grader? And he’s cheating and you must all become homeless FOR HIS DICK?
You understand that he is a sociopath, right? No morally sane person could do this.
my pregnancy was a miserable experience (he locked me out of my bedroom and I was forced to sleep with my son on his twin bed until my belly couldn’t take it anymore and then I slept on a mattress…
You put your ABUSE in PARENTHESES.
Eve, come in here for another hug. I read a lot of shit here. Like a metric ton of heartbreak a day, and this fucking sentence has reduced me to tears. Pregnant you on that floor mattress.
That sentence doesn’t belong in parentheses. It belongs in a lawyer’s office. In front of a judge. For a protection from abuse order. For a temporary support order. For a divorce. Eve, you need to take your abuse OUT and GIVE it to the people who can free you and protect you. NOW.
If you can’t afford a lawyer, call a legal aid society. A women’s shelter. Your state bar association. Start a GoFundMe. But Eve, you go get an ATTORNEY and FILE. And if it were me, I would ask for full custody. Or ask to terminate his parental rights in exchange for no child support. A man who can do this to his kids is not someone I’d want to share parenting with (although I know a lot of CN is going through that.) You’re starting this divorce thing out, try to minimize his influence as much as possible. DOCUMENT every diaper change, every expense, every hour you spend parenting and he does NOT.
She had bought him chocolates for Valentines day and included a card
You realize the OW is a pathetic fool, right? She is chasing an ABUSER. She is pick me dancing for his affections. Please love me! Here’s some chocolates! She is conspiring in your abuse thinking it’s going to be different for her. It will NOT be. He is an ABUSER. Her day sobbing on a cold floor is coming. Hope she’s really enjoying those bed linens now.
Is there no karmic justice? This is it?
Don’t wait for it. Get on with rebuilding your life. The immediate justice is that they are fuckwits. Their punishment is being them. People with shallow attachments, users, abusers. Shit life skills. It’s a long arc, and by the time you see anything that will set your heart a-tingle with schadenfreude, you’ll be long past caring. You’ll trust that they suck. You’re grieving now.
Suck it up and wait for the pain to pass?
No, don’t suck it up. Puke it out. Punch it out. Succeed in spite of it. Pass those motherfucking nursing boards.
The pain WILL pass because you’ll be building a new life and that life will fill in and eventually your old life (and attendant fuckwits) will recede. But it’s going to hurt A LOT for quite a while. Acutely, then like a dull throb, then the occasional pain that flares suddenly sometimes, and then it’s just a scar you wear.
Badasses have scars, Eve.
I need to know there’s something better waiting on the other side of this.
YOU are on the other side of this. You minus a fuckwit is a BETTER you. YOU will make your kids lives better every day by not modeling abuse to them. You will be the sane parent with the job that supports them. You will be loved fiercely. And as your kids grow, they will only have admiration for you and awe. Your triumph over this will be the story that gets passed down generations.
And the fuckwit who THREW YOU OUT will be the villain, forever and always. Not because we need villains to be mighty, or because you’re alienating him, or giving him a bad name, but because his deeds will speak for themselves.
He built you up just to tear you down, at your most vulnerable. Imagine how wonderful your life is going to become without Fuckwit The Destroyer. It’s just up, up, up from here.
You need to go looking for the biggest shark lawyer in your town and tell him to go for the jugular. After you tell him/her your story, you won’t have to motivate them to go get your wasbund
Shark lawyer all the way. Get as much $$$ out of that bastard as you possibly can. What a fucker.
Nursing boards??? OMG…. that’s AWESOME!!! Good luck to you!
Yes, SO AWESOME !
As one of the nurses here, I welcome you to our profession and even though it is a hard job, you can make a good living and save for your retirement on your own. I hope you land in a good unit with supportive peers.
What the “Other Side” of this looks different for each of us but there is one. From my name, you can tell that I thought I was a unicorn, but I wasnt…I was chronically abused by a man who was a serial cheater but I didnt realize it until he was dead. I refused to see what was right in front of me (he showed me in a thousand ways that he didnt love me) and I ended up in an ugly 7 year “Pick Me / Wreckoncilation) that wasted years of my life.
I spent forever on a RIC board where I met some great people and we all slogged along.
One of the great moments on the other side was flying to Africa to give a talk on my specialty in nursing and meeting up with Patsy (from here) who I had known online for many years but hadnt met. We jumped around in the Indian Ocean and went to a party where we danced until we were exhausted. Im remarried to a good man and my kids are grown.
The bad part is that my kids suffer from some of the fuckedupness that they heard from their dad…they may never be normal. You got out young, may your kids bring none of his nastiness with them into adulthood.
Were glad you found your way here. Cut those ties with a sharp knife and go forward…that is where the Meh is
I am sending you a massive hug, you have 2 amazing kids, who are better off without this dick.
It will get better just hang in there for your children and you will get a better life in the end good luck my friend
Imagine anybody else you care about telling you this story about their life. How enraged would you be on their behalf? How badly would you want to do everything legally, ethically, and morally possible to help this person?
This is what you must do for yourself.
Exactly this UXworld! Imagine if someone else told you this story, you would be livid on their behalf.
In fact, I’m sitting here reading this and it is so similar to my story, it makes me want to punch a wall for you. Actually punch his and her face for you. He’s an abusive piece of garbage. It’s hard to fathom that some people can actually do this to others that they pretend to love and even their own children. I had two kids, 5 and 2, sleeping in the guest room at my mom’s house while him and his howorker were at my house.
I’m 2.5 years out. My ex-cheater is still a dick. He gets remarried next month. It will be his 3rd wife before he’s 40. I still can’t even date. My wound is not a gaping hole anymore, but it’s still a wound that gets busted open from time to time and I still need to pull out the first aid kit (my best friends, my mom and my attorney) and patch it up sometimes. BUT, I can recover within a day or two vs. being wrapped up in it for weeks and months. I’m still waiting for it to turn into a scar but every month and year it gets closer.
Stay strong, this shit absolutely sucks. Read CL every day. Some friends won’t get it so come here, we all understand. Big hugs to you and your adorable babies.
“Badasses have scars, ” LOVE THIS
Eve you ARE a bad ass!!! I’m also an RN and am scraping myself of the floor after recently finding out about my husbands 5 year affair. The fact that you are able to continue with nursing school is breath taking because any one that has gone through with it knows how grueling it is. Combined with what you are going through, wow, just wow!!! Don’t give up! It’s a beautiful career (with a generous salary). I’m rooting for you. You’ve got this ❤️
This not only makes me want to cry. But it pisses me off too. Making a pregnant woman sleep almost on the floor while you screw around? There is truly no level these pricks won’t sink to. Please get an attorney asap. I believe once you do. Your husband is going to be in for a very rude ( and well deserved) awakening.
Eve, so many hugs right now.
I understand wanting to get child support for your children, they deserve it!
But, and this is a big but, if I could go back I would trade that money for the sound minds of my now adult children.
They were forced to suffer his narcissistic sociopathy.
It turned them into people that don’t have any family values.
They don’t respect me as a direct result of being exposed to him.
And he twisted their thought patterns so much they don’t even realize that it was me they could trust all along and not him.
If you think that he will damage their psyche via access because “child support” then make that break if you can!
Re: sign off parental rights.
Someone that would do what he did to your son and you while pregnant has way way more issues other than rabid shitbag cheating.
Use these thoughts to decide what will be best for the next two decades of formative years for your children.
I’m not optimist that he will sign off on those rights. I will gladly trade everything we own if he would just give me sole custody, but I doubt it. I get text messages at least once a week about how I’m committing a felony being out of state and how much he needs the kids and I need to bring them back. I’m anxious about how this will all play out.
First, get a shark, the best fkn attorney in town. Pay now or pay later, trust me. Second, don’t tell FW shit about your whereabouts or any more than he needs to know, and if there’s no custody arrangement you don’t owe him shit, zero info. or very vague at the most. He wants CONTROL. Do not let him have it. Information gives him knowledge and knowledge gives power. Never once let your empathic caring self[hence nurse] think oh he’s not that bad, he’s softening, or he wants to do the right thing for his children. He will NOT. Any time you think of something good he might’ve done or in case he tries to be nice now, think about that mattress on the floor. Parental rights are difficult to sever, but you can severely limit his time and influence. And many times when the FWs can’t lead, they won’t dance. He will see himself out. Make sure you go through court system for support, prior to snagging your great job, so the calculations for support favor you and not him. I’ve been where you are[mine were 8 and 22 months], I have years of protective orders under my belt, but I made it bigger and better than I could’ve imagined. As for the marital house that he still lives in, for which I paid the bulk, it’s seriously decaying around him. (Collective awww so sad.) FW is steadily reaping his sow, and I’ve got two wonderful well-adjusted young adults and the most doting husband. Dear Eve it will only get better from here, as you develop that purposeful resolute endurance!
Eve I’m with CL on this. He threw his kids out. That says it all. He made his pregnant wife sleep on the floor. He is a piece of shit. You ate mighty and will rise again, ((((HUGS))))
What a pos. Not unlike my ex who pretty much tried to kick me out of my house with out 2yo still in diapers to eff his 24yo coworker.
Don’t give them the benefit of mental illness or personality disorder, they’re not folding and refolding laundry. They are pieces of trash, scumbags, losers. The men and the pathetic hoes.
Eve, get a lawyer, have him removed from the marital home sobyou and your babies are safe and secure. Get a restraining order.
He will try every trick in the book to get out of child support and alimony. Make him pay. Kicking children from a home does not look good to a judge so you have a case for sole custody AND you will get child support. They hate paying it but eff them.
Hun, I’m not even 1 yesr divorced or 2 years out from DDay. It is better, it will get better. My ex knocked up his howorker, you know what is really fun to watch? An almost 40yo with a newborn and a gf in her 20s that has NO clue what she signed up for.
Your ex is a malignant Narcissist at least if not a full fledged Psychopath. Get a lawyer NOW. Listen to CL and CN.
Ps, I got the house, alimony, cs and my freedom from him. I am rocking my new body and look. Everyone laughs at him. It’s quite comical now. Eve he sucks you, however are the jewel.
My ex also got his howorker pregnant and now has a baby. She’s 30, he’s 48.
I got everything as well.
I would never accept no child support…kids deserve to be supported financially.
They are idiots. As horrible as it was, I’m now free!
I’m gonna echo CL and say absolutely you were abused. Having been in a similar situation, it’s hard to acknowledge abuse when it feels familiar. When you’re used to it.
After I could acknowledge the abuse, I felt freer, in that I realized I wasn’t crazy, or needy.
You deserve better.
Eviscerate him. Remove his guts. Figuratively of course… YOU WILL RISE and he will sink like the lead turd he is.
Too weird….I didn’t see what you wrote before I posted what I wrote….did we have a Vulcan mind meld?!! Wow.
High five to your mom, by the way, for being there.
You are such a badass for getting through nursing school while pregnant and while being a mom and while being locked out of your room!!!! Just THINK what you can do now that you’re out of the abusive situation!!
I don’t even know what to say I am so breathless at the level of abuse in this letter.
I am reminded of Scott Peterson, on Death Row at San Quentin right this very minute, fifteen minutes from my house, getting marriage proposals from women. Your husband belongs in a cell with him IMHO.
The karma is good and it is YOUR good karma, having a sick malignant cancerous tumor of a lowlife male of the species being removed from your life, distracted by a sick ticket side piece, while you make your getaway with those precious littles. And I know it does NOT feel like that right now but that’s how I am looking at this.
I am glad you can be with your mom.
Nursing school, pregnant, a small child, while married to a soul-sucking jerk and being cheated on?
You are made of very high-grade steel, my friend.
Valerian steel. Make it into a sword and use it on him.
Figuratively speaking, of course……
Well said Velvet Hammer! I second that opinion. I went to nursing school at age of 54, my now ex told me four weeks before our 50th wedding anniversary that he’d been cheating for 15 years. I feel I have no past life, nothing was real. Now alone at 72 years old. Still I’m glad I didn’t die not knowing who he is. Eve, you get that nursing degree and life will get better, it has too.
AuntBea I love you,
Thanks for whenever you post.
I’m 64 and feel the same- no past. But you make it Badass!
Velvet Hammer I just have to say I really love all your posts. They all hit so close to home.
I also went to nursing school when my daughter was 2, while working full time. That was after I kicked a heroin habit. I stayed clean and sober for 10 years.
My husband did 15 years in a federal penitentiary. I waited for his stupid ass. Only to give him another opportunity to destroy my life. I gave him another son. Now I’m public enemy number one. If it weren’t for chump nation I’d be in a big heap of trouble. You guys are all amazing. It’s so humiliating to share all this with people who just don’t get it. They make me out to be the crazy one. He has everyone convinced I’m insane.
Justice would be that he’d have to sell the house and some of his favorite toys so that he could buy you out and pay you for taking the kids.
The cum-covered furniture he can keep.
I just want to grab the OP in the biggest bear hug. I am so triggered right now because I had a similar situation with my ex when I became very unexpectedly pregnant with our fourth child. I had a history of preterm deliveries and miscarriages, so I was terrified to be pregnant again, and he gave me no emotional support whatsoever. Right at the end of my 20th week, I started having horrible contractions. It got so bad we had to go to the emergency room and they called my doctor. He came to me and touched my shoulder while I was laying in bed and said at this point, even though I was pretty far along, the baby probably would not survive. He said I could stay in the hospital and deliver there or I could go home where I would be more comfortable and just wait it out and see what happened, but just to try and be emotionally prepared that I might lose this pregnancy. I chose to go home. When I got home, my then 12-year-old daughter ran a bath for me and I sat in the tub, held my belly and cried while she held my hand. Where was my ex? Sitting on the sunporch smoking and talking on the phone to his mistress. Thankfully eventually the contractions East and I made it to 35 weeks with my youngest. But I ended up on strict bedrest starting around 25 weeks, and every day was touch and go until she was delivered. The last two days of my pregnancy I was in and out of the hospital with preterm labor issues, and the night before she was born while I’ve been pretty much in labor all day, I remember laying in bed curled up around my belly watching Netflix and just wishing he would come and hold me or even give me a hug and tell me I was going to be OK. He ended up coming to bed around one in the morning reeking of beer and passed out, and I had to try to wake him up four times to tell him I needed to go to the hospital because the baby was coming. and after she was born, he spent so much time away from us and though I know he had to take care of the older children, there was often time that he could’ve come while they were in school and he didn’t. I came home and had to recover from another cesarean, trying to manage severe postpartum depression and really just take a long hard look at the current state of my marriage. I felt so horrible for both my children as well as myself, and I couldn’t understand how someone who insisted on keeping this pregnancy could treat us like garbage. I found out about the affair right around my daughter’s first birthday, and one of the most dominant thoughts in my head was why? He knew how I felt about cheating. That cheating and abuse were unforgivable in my book. He also knew I was very passionate about not wanting to raise my children in a single-parent household based on my experiences growing up. So why didn’t he consider other options regarding the pregnancy? I can’t imagine my life without my daughter, but I also can’t imagine what kind of sadistic bastard would put a woman through what I went through for him and my family knowing eventually the gig would be up and things would be over. How could he hold our infant daughter one moment, and then go home and fuck my best friend on our furniture the next? I think these are part of the experience that hurts so much that I won’t ever stop trying to understand them, even though I know it’s pointless. Men who abuse and deliberately hurt their wives are trash, but when they do this to their wives while they are carrying their children? I don’t think I will ever reach meh. Sometimes my heart just breaks when I look at my daughter. I life is so difficult and we’ve lost so much and all I wanted for any of my children was to be brought up in a safe loving and comfortable home. While I’ve got the loving part down, our recent move can’t even guarantee they’re going to be safe. I just don’t understand…
Whoa…. hold on there. What do you mean your recent move can’t guarantee safety? Please explain, maybe we can help you with that.
Cakeless sold her house (which was becoming a money pit) to move into subsidized housing. Let’s just say some of the other tenants are not the most desirable neighbors. We are hoping some better long term options arise later.
Hi. Like Tempest said, the financial position I was left in after the divorce made it impossible to maintain our family home. I ended up having to sell and move into low income subsidized housing this year, and it’s been pretty nightmarish. My six-year-old was getting beat up by an older group of girls, I had to call the police in our first month of living here because that same group of kids graffitied our front door because I wouldn’t let my daughter come out to play anymore, and there is a very high level of drug activity and some prostitution (Out in the car during broad daylight) going on in this complex. The police Do drive Throughs periodically, and one of the families with a child that was hurting my child was evicted. but I absolutely hate it here. I can’t relate to any of the neighbors which I suppose makes sense, many of the kids obviously come from problematic households and I don’t ever see a way out. I’m doing the best I can to model resiliency for the children… We’re growing some veggies on the patio since my 14-year-old was missing our garden at home so much and we try to be polite to everyone, but the kids just keep saying how much they want to go back home and I don’t blame them. I wish I could go home too.
So, do you have a plan/timeline to get the hell out of there? What would it take?
I unfortunately don’t have any plans at the moment. My younger son is 14 so in four years hopefully he will graduate and either go off to college or find work that can support him enough to get away from here, and then it will just be the little one and I. All we can do is just keep to ourselves, keep our heads down and try to get through. The only way out would be a large increase in income which I don’t foresee happening. We have no family to move in with or to help us out, and once my son turns 18, our income is going to decrease and we’ll have to move and downsize again.
If anyone needs a GoFundMe page, I nominate you. My heart breaks! Love, prayers, and support from us to you and your brave children!!! Keep us posted, please!
Cakeless – I wish I could send you strength and comfort. I was another pregnant chump. Discovered his affair 1 week after confirming our planned pregnancy with our second so I totally understand the fear and pain. I feel so fortunate to be stable now but that wasn’t always the case. Pls let this group know how we can support. You are a fighter and have so much worth.
Your story reminds me a little of when I was in the hospital with chest pains. It was my teenage daughter who came with me and sat with me until the early hours of the morning. My then-husband couldn’t be bothered.
Children are more mature than these fuckwits.
YOU are the one to give your children a loving home…you do not need him to do that. You are incredibly mighty, your children are blessed to have you for a mom, and you are all they need. (((Hugs)))
Cakeless in Kalamazoo – ‘I just don’t understand…’
Your story moved me so much that I had to sit and stare out the window for a long while. I’ve heard some pretty bad stories on this forum after 7 yrs, and at my time for this torture, I thought I was the worst case, but I come nothing close. Why would life give you so much to handle all with one huge punch in the gut. I’m just really sorry and hope you keep in touch with us at C/N and keep us informed with what’s going on.
I haven’t posted on here in a long, long time, Eve, but I HAD to tell you how heartbroken your story makes me feel. I can feel the soul-crushing pain you describe when reading your letter. I just wanted you to know I’m sending huge hugs your way. I’m wishing such a happy future for you, because you deserve one SO MUCH.
Jesus, these people are dicks. And I’d love to claw their eyes out for you.
Exactly what WHATTHEFUCKEVER just said! Eve, there are better things coming, I promise. People like your former fuckwit and his hobag hussy have a special place in hell just for them. And, with any luck, there will be hell on earth for them as well and you’ll get the chance to see it action. Though by then, you won’t even care. Hang in there Chump Sister, it’s going to get easier.
This one was tough to read. I was there two years ago, pregnant, raising a 2 year old, going to school and living with my parents. It sucked. I kept on though and now my life has definitely improved. I have a job, a wonderful social life, and two beautiful children. I still live with my parents, but living on my own will happen in good time. Hang in there Eve, lean on friends, family, and chump nation. It gets better
I can’t promise, but the “karma bus” probably will come by, eventually. Cheater relationships almost never work out once they’re out in the open.
Why? Part of it may be that the limited relationship they have, where other people provide all the real support, just can’t last.
I think the bigger reason, though, is that you can’t have a long-term relationship without trust. The one thing these two do know about each other is that they aren’t trustworthy. Your ex-h cheated on his wife, and ditched her and his own kids for someone else. The OW is someone who enabled all that. Eventually, when they can’t sleep, their minds will start wondering if the other person is going to do to him/her what was done to you. This thought will haunt them forever.
I know this, as someone in my immediate family married a cheater. The whole time they were married, she worried and agonized every time he went on a business trip or went out of town with friends. There was no reason to believe he wouldn’t do the same thing to her.
She can’t be much of a woman to move into your house. I hope you have what your entitled too. He treated you appallingly. I bet he was lovely to the ow. Good luck for the future.
What kind of woman, even one that cheats with married men, would move into a home where her lover kicked out his wife and babies? Answer: A severely dysfunctional, desperate woman.
Cheater husband will use and abuse this woman then move on to his next victim.
Oh gosh. You can read my story a few months back that was posted on here but your ex seems awful. I can relate bc mine was cheating while I was pregnant. When he was caught, he filed for divorce and our baby was three months old. That was almost 9 months ago now and I will tell you it has been a hell of a ride. Has the pain and trauma dulled a bit since that three month mark that you are at? It definitely has but I am very much working through things still. I recently listened to an amazing book I saw recommended on here called “Out of the fog”I highly recommend you read or listen to it. I finally felt understood when I read it and it explained my ex’s disordered behavior exactly. Mine filed for 50:50 custody and I am still in the process of fighting that. Don’t back down and get a lawyer that will fight for you. Best of luck, you are not alone.
I also want to add because I keep seeing the comments suggesting you have him sign away his rights. I attempted this as well and it did not work. There is a certain type of narcissist that will run but from my experience they are often prone to using their kids as a way to appear to be a good guy. Unfortunately my child had become a pawn in one of his games. When you ask him to sign away his rights he very well may accuse you of being crazy..ask me how I know. It’s worth a shot but I would also ask a lawyer first and never ask your ex this in writing, only in person.
True. A lot of narcissists want to keep their kids around when needed for props or to abuse their mother. However the financial aspect could work while he is totally focused on OW. I know some will say, no, get the child support money but the time and energy to get these defects to honor the support and put up with their crap isn’t worth it.
Oh I completely agree. Best to completely cut ties with the disordered if you can.
Eve, my ex did the same type of crap to me. Pushing me during arguments while I was pregnant and then pulling the old, I didn’t push you that hard when I fell. I had to go sleep on the couch numerous times and I remember the terror of trying to keep my two little ones quiet so the Worm could get a good night’s sleep.
The one saving grace here is that he is not invested with the kids.
Get that lawyer and get full custody now while he’s distracted with Miss Thing. I so wish that I had divorced him while the boys were young, because they’re still dealing with the verbal, psychological and physical abuse.
God, Eve, your letter made me so mad!
When I divorced I got our house (good lawyers) and I sold it, which meant giving up a garden that I loved, full of wonderful trees my son had planted, they had already grown to their full height (in fact, I sold the house 5 days after it was on the market because of the trees). It was really painful to let them go, I was 65 and trees take a long time to grow.
But I found another house full of many trees, in fact avocado trees that keep me, the garbage men, neighbors and friends (and birds) stocked for about six months very year. I actually had fun renovating the new house, which was falling to pieces, my sons were horrified when I bought it. I love it now!
It is clear that you have the guts to rebuild your life and you are young. You are a nurse! Your children in a way are luckier than mine, they will spend much less time with a fuckwit than mine did. Get your mattress-on-the-floor story to a lawyer’s office ASAP, CL’s advice is exactly what mine would be.
Take care and use your anger to reorganize your life. Many hugs
CL nailed it. If you can possibly have this defect (he is a sociopath/psychopath) sign off on his parental rights that will be the best thing for you and your children. Trust me it will not be worth having him involved, nickel & diming you, late or not paying child support, being a jerk or even worse abusive to the kids. This man has no soul but will always need someone in his life. Not sure why they do but they always have someone lined up before they discard. Can’t be alone for some reason and they marry quickly as the concept of a true marriage escapes them.
Next: you are angry and want justice. Perfectly normal reaction. So knowing quite a few narcissists, sociopaths and flat out asswipes in my lifetime this is more than likely how it will play out. He discarded you and the kids. Yup that is bad but knowing defects and their behavior, the next break-up (and there will be a next) always escalates. The next break-up will be him setting up his partner (victim) to take a fall or get arrested. He’ll need her out of the way for so he can go on with his next “partner” and at the same time get sympathy from his friends/acquaintance as he had been burdened with a nutcase. Oh and get this one, sometimes they even gain more sympathy as they blame the 2nd victim for breaking up his 1st happy home. The 3rd partner, depending on his age, better be careful. Defect will not want to go through another divorce (people may start to question) and the 3rd victim could very well meet with an “accident”.
I feel for you having an infant and a young child and going through this horrible experience. However, you are now a nurse and will have gainful employment plus benefits. While you are seething with anger one minute and heartbroken the next, I have confidence you’ll get through this and come out on top. Again, please try to get the defect to relinquish his rights to the children. You need a clean break from this man without a soul. As far as karma, he’ll always be him a dark hole that can never be filled. The OW is in for one rude awakening, just a matter of time before she receives the discard and he will make her life miserable before the discard.
Thank you so so much for this KB22!
I have been through it with 2 abusers.
And the damage they have caused to the now adult children is beyond any monetary support or the excuse that the child should have 2 parents.
Its insurmountable damage.
The buzzword term “parental alienation” also puts these children at risk.
Its a hard road but if not taken, the kids involved get damaged and end up carrying on the cycle.
Imagine how fucked up you have to be to actually pursue a man who treats the mother of his children this way. A man that not only boots his wife out of her house, but his own children. That is one cold mother-fucker.
You want karmic justice? Sit back and watch. Your past is her future. I promise you he hasn’t turned into a fantastic guy for her. Let the interloper have him, secure in the knowledge he will eventually push her off a cliff too.
Also, I agree with CL; go for total custody. This asshole doesn’t need to be around your precious children. Much love and support to you xoxo
I agree 300% with this. Sociopaths as big as your ex don’t ‘get better’ for the next one. They SEEM better when they’re doing the whole love-bombing thing . . but she’s got the shock of her life coming. GUARANTEED.
Ditto this ???????????????????????????????????????? My XH proved it—
You go girl. As a nurse I know you will pass those boards and find a safe happy place for you and your kids. Sick fuck just needs to go away. ((((()))))). You are such a strong person that will do amazing things. Gotta love the CL nation. Side note. I just sold my dickwads motorcycle. Beach or Italy. Gotta decide. Lol. Get a good lawyer
Beaches IN Italy!
“Badasses have scars, Eve.”
Eve leave that loser in the rear view.
1. Shark lawyer.
2. Revoke his parental rights in exchange for no child support.
3. This one is so disordered you don’t want to attempt to co-parent with him. He’s so disconnected from his kids he’s the kind that will kill them during visitation, right when your life is getting better and you think he’s just about in the rear view mirror.
4. He’s a soulless sociopath. Keep your children as far away from him as possible. No visitation while the divorce is playing out.
6. Do whatever it takes to protect & take care of you & your kids. Even if it crosses previously held ethical boundaries. He’s not playing by the rules… you don’t have to anymore either. It’s OK to lie your ass off to save your & their lives. You are your children’s only defense.
7. Get hard, get tough. You are badass and mighty AND CAN DO THIS.
8. You didn’t deserve this. You are more than good enough for anyone. You are worthy of real love. Repeat this every 12 hours for the next 5 years until it sinks in.
9. Chump Nation has got your back. Find local chumps for mutual support. It makes all the difference.
10. Big hugs & XOXOXOs. We here at Chump Nation love you.
I second this. My experience was similar, everything above is what you will have to do.
He will cheat on his current mistress just as easily as he cheated on you. Tracy is right. He is a sociopath so he will never feel guilty that he harmed you and his children. It’s not in him, so be thankful that your children will not grow up in the house with him as a role model. Your job is to teach them good morals. Help them learn empathy.
Leave him and his emotional squalor behind. He is not worth one tear.
It is so hard for people to understand what a sociopath is like. They don’t understand love. They can get highs and the lows from things. Jumping out of an airplane would give them a rush. Killing the family pet might be fun. Your pain means nothing to him. His children mean nothing to him. He might fight for half custody only not to pay child support. Please look at him realistically. He isn’t human. Elephants, swans, wolves know a form of love. He doesn’t. You might be missing a dream. He is missing a soul.
Oh Eve….what he did and is doing to you is enraging. You are so mighty! I’m in awe of you.
Once you get divorced and are as no contact as possible with this abusive fucker your life will, day by day, get infinitely better. I’m 5.5 years out from Dday. 25 years together. 4 kids. Totally blindsided by Dday. XH went from being my beloved to a raging, hateful monster. Told me and our kids he hated every minute of our lives. Refused to come to hospital when my heartbroken teen tried suicide… he was golfing! Total covert narcissist- probably a sociopath. Tried to destroy me financially in the divorce. I hired best lawyer in town- took him all the way to trial where I got every single thing we owned, full custody, full child support, alimony. I’m in a community property state and Judge awarded me 82% of all assets and said he wished he could have given me more. While I was divorcing I got a new full time job after working part time and being a SAHM for 10 years, took a bar exam in another state (more than 20 years after my first one), and the month after the divorce was promoted to partner. I’m making more $ now than ever, am debt free, and my net worth is in the seven figures (X kicked me and our kids out of our home too and tried to withhold every asset from me). I met a really nice man and we have a very satisfying relationship and have successfully blended our families. I’m very happy today. I rarely feel upset. I will never forget what XH did, but I’m at peace. XH wasn’t who I thought. It was all an elaborate con job. I was abused. It took about three years but I can say I’m way better off now and the affair that brought his true nature to light was a blessing to me.
Life is wonderful now- I never thought I’d be able to get here. I literally wanted to die it hurt so bad for so long.
XH is having his karma bus hit: his health is destroyed, the kids loathe him, he fights 24/7 with AP, he’s cheated on her many times….
Sending you so much love and support.
Wow thank you for sharing. I was also blindsided and am dealing with a very covert narc. I hope my legal battle turns out as well as yours. I like reading the positive stories
Wow, what a happy story and you’re amazing. I love reading the happy stories; they give me hope. I am still terribly underemployed after being a SAHM for many years. I have a SB and 10+ years of management experience, but even now 3.5 year out from divorce 5.5 year from last DDay I haven’t come close to rebounding professionally even with a BS and 10+ years of management experience. Some days, (like today) I have trouble with the HOPE. Your story made me smile and gave me a little chin up feeling. Thank you.
My dear Eve,
You are mighty! Like CL said pass those mother fuckin boards girl! I know you will. This asshole had you sleeping on the floor pregnant and kicked out his wife and two babies!!! My dear you hire the baddest lawyer in town. You tell the this story and have it added to your court papers. Do not take no for an answer. You must have the judge see this so he or she knows exactly what kind of a psychopath they are dealing with. You have some good options. The one CL suggested might be the best to forgo child support in leu of him signing away his rights. I would not trust him with those babies because of what he did. I am telling you no judge is going to look favorably at him tossing two babies out of the house. Tell him nothing and use these emotions to fight for yourself and your babies. I wish you lived around me. I know a badass lawyer and many people I know have used him. Start asking around and get some recommendations. Let us know how you are please!
Just a thought—- Eve may want to screen shot any texts/emails if there are any showing his abuse or more importantly, telling her to leave just in case he wants to claim she left him. Maybe have a friend snap a photo of OW at her house— I hate to bring it up when this is so traumatic but it could come in handy.
Men who do this to their pregnant wives are an abomination. They lack an essential decency and humanity.
I’m pretty sure ex expected me to just go away quietly and not ruin his affair fantasy and leave the home so he could move OW and her kids right in. He had to scramble to find a bachelor pad when I told him I would be staying in the home.
These people suck. The ones that cheat on and abandon their pregnant wives are disgusting pieces of trash.
My long comment was just disappeared. So I’ll have to let everyone else’s comments speak for me.
He is an abusive man. Just because he wasn’t beating you with his fists doesn’t mean he wasn’t pummeling you. You and your children suffered abuse at his hands.
Please use the power of the law to give him everything he deserves and to give yourself everything you and your children deserve. I believe you should seriously consider asking that his parental rights be severed. You and your children suffered trauma at his hands and continued contact with him will only make recovery more difficult.
You are all kinds of mighty and CL is right: the “something good” is you, without him.
You want to feel better? You want security? You want karma to hit your ex? Please get thee to a lawyer and file ASAP. That is step one in getting all of that to happen. Yes you need love as support and hugs right now but you also need representation. You need to file and have representation before you can even begin to stop the abuse let alone recovery from it. Please do so today if you haven’t already. Let a lawyer help you figure out the rest.
Can someone post here if there is a GoFundMe – I would like to support.
Just need the link.
I will too! I know there are so many other awful, heart wrenching stories on CL but this is happening now as we speak.
Eve – please answer us!
I’m so sorry, I must have missed some comments. No, there is no GoFundMe Account. Thank you for being so quick to offer to help… I’m really blown away.
Well said CL…..and Eve there is a bad ass lawyer for you at there. Find him…….move forward ….Tuesday will show up…..just keep moving forward and hopefully in my heart for you without the scary ex involvement in any way! Xoxo
Sweet baby Jesus…What a d*ck is he!? Really, really you are happy to get rid of this jerk from your life!
Does anyone else find the cheater’s ability to shed their spouse (and their kids) like a snake sheds its skin – and do so without a second thought – frankly disgusting?
My ex-wife hasn’t had our 16 year old daughter stop overnight with her since late last year and has only seen her a total of 3 times (for lunch each time) this year. She’s seen our other 2 children (now 24 and 21) even less.
She gives snakes a bad name and yet she tells everyone who will listen that she’s “mother of the year.”
Yep! Same with my ex-h. Posts on Facebook that his kids are his world yet in reality he takes them out for an hour once a month if they’re lucky!
Wow…how lucky the whore is that she landed a piece of shit who throws out his two little kids.
Believe it or not this piece of shit did you a huge favor. Let her have him.
Now go get a pitbull lawyer.
Not to mention forces his pregnant wife to sleep on a mattress on the floor….talk about abuse…. Eve, I really hope that you hire The Pitbull Lawyer to fight your case and teach your abuser a lesson or two about being a pos.
That said, never underestimate how incredibly effed up and disordered the OW is. She is looking at all that and most likely feeling very special.
The OW in my case harassed the heck out of me and…..there were some truly surreal moments that were kind of like a gift from the universe. Like when the whore proudly described abusive, controlling, psycho behaviors from fuckwit and proffered that as proof of his love of her and she wasn’t kidding either. To her, control and abuse = love. At first I was pretty incredulous, but then I had to stop myself from laughing out loud. Let them live in their delusions and oooh boy are they deluded.
Wow this guy is a tool and absolutely has some bad karma coming his way. When you put heartless actions like that into the universe, it will catch up to you. Trust me, he will get his eventually.
The problem here is he hasn’t really had to deal with any consequences for his actions as of yet. He’s basically prancing around in an alternate reality.
I think it’s time you start taking action. Get a lawyer, have a friend go with you to the house and help you remove your belongings, tell him you’ll be seeking back pay for child support he’s lapsed on, etc.
If there’s anything I’ve learned from cheaters it’s that if no one holds them accountable they legit think they are unstoppable. He needs to know his actions have consequences. No matter how much he gets upset with you for starting the divorce process, just keep reminding him “you did this to yourself”.
This guy needs a judge to throw the book at him.
Want to have the karma bus visit? Go find a really good lawyer, someone experienced with narcs, and file for divorce.
Let me add to the collective outrage on your behalf. I do not know any state that would allow one spouse to throw the other spouse out of the marital home without any kind of legal proceedings. That home is YOURS, or at least half of it is.
Please refrain from raging at your STBX. Just go about collecting whatever financial data you already have. Go through your texts, emails, and voicemails, earmarking the ones where your STBX told you to get out or otherwise indicated that you were barred from entering the family home. That is the beginning of your documentation. You need to show that to any lawyer you contact in order to find out not only your legal rights but also whether that lawyer feels confident in pursuing them.
If you lack funds, try the local women’s shelter, again showing them any text or email. They can recommend an experienced attorney. You will need one.
Document how many weeks go by without him trying to contact his child. If he tries to text you, tell him to take it to email. Keep his emails in a separate folder so you can easily give it to your attorney. Document how often he wants to see his children, talk to them, etc. This is very important because you are building the case that he is disinterested in his own children. That means that the court will be inclined to grant you greater custody.
Be prepared for him to turn into an ogre once he realizes that divorce means child support. All of a sudden, he’ll be very interested in seeing the kids. Talk with your lawyer about getting a temporary parenting plan in place, with family scheduling software a required part of that plan. Stick to your schedule. You can’t make him stick to his side of the agreement, but that’s okay. Don’t deviate from your days. That shows the court that you are the serious parent and best-suited to care for them. If he blows off most of his dates, then clearly he has other obligations that make it difficult for him to have 50/50 custody (the typical arrangement). This means you not only have the children more, but he’ll have to pay you more for their support.
Talk with your attorney about temporary spousal support. You have an infant. Are you working? Did you pass up opportunities so that you could take care of the children? Have you been a stay-at-home mom? You may need to transition back to the work force, and he needs to support you during this time.
The more you work with your lawyer, the more you document–you are setting up the path for the karma bus to follow. Karma involves consequences for bad decisions. Fucking Schmoopies is a colossally bad decision. You and your lawyer will now need to hold him accountable.
Best of luck.
“Karma involves consequences for bad decisions. Fucking Schmoopies is a colossally bad decision. You and your lawyer will now need to hold him accountable.”
kb is right. Eve, if you want “karma,” that doesn’t come as a bolt out of the blue. It comes when people hold your STBX accountable.
If you have equity in your marital home, you should get half. You should ask for 1/2 the value of all household items you were forced to leave behind.
Put together documentation about his lack of care for you and involvement in the birth of your 2nd child and in newborn care. Write down everything you do for the kids. Doctor’s appointments, play dates, home schooling during COVID-19. Baths, bedtime stories, birthday parties, church. Write down what you spend. Write down what your mom does for you and the kids.
Don’t text with this jackass. Use email. Use BIFF language–brief, informative, friendly, firm. (“Friendly” doesn’t mean chatty. it just means don’t be hostile, even though he deserves it.)
As you consider starting your nursing career, remember that you are going to need childcare for the baby, so it’s spousal support until your are on your feet, child support through college/trade school, childcare to allow you to work, health insurances, and a life insurance policy to ensure that the kids will be taken care of CheaterSociopath dies. And it’s your share of the marital assets (cash, stocks, house, furnishings, etc.)
And then it’s a custody agreement where you get full legal custody and the most he gets is visitation because HE KICKED HIS KIDS OUT OF THE HOUSE. Do a timeline that shows what went on during your pregnancy and the birth of your younger one.
You won’t be able to control what the court decides, and chances are but by choosing a lawyer who is smart and tough, you will get the money you need to take care of the kids and control over how they are raised. At the least, you should want him to have limited time with the kids. That also raises your child support.
You want “karma”? Fight. And one thing is true: every dollar you get in support or in settlement is a dollar that Schmoopie will never see.
Fuck him and your “best friend”. You and your kids deserve to be surrounded by LOVE not shit head, narc abuse.
Lawyer up as soon as you can. If you jointly own the house make sure your lawyer knows so that you do not lose any access rights to the marital property. In my state if you leave marital property for 30 sequential days you forfeit the right to reenter the house (though I assume could make arrangements with the court for access).
Wishing you success on your boards and on finding the biggest, baddest, kick ass lawyer!!
Oops, the BF comment wasn’t Eve. Sorry!
KB nailed it about child support / parenting schedule – make sure you have that worked out ASAP. When they figure out how much money it’s going to cost them they suddenly decide they need to have the kids with them as much as possible so they can argue they don’t need to pay child support.
I’m so sorry he did this. ((((Eve)))). Please keep us informed of your progress. Xoxo
Here’s what I’ve learned since being discarded by x concubine…
Karma visits Twice and it never forgets an address.
You might not see it’s visit, or even hear about it.
No Contact will be worth doing whatever you need to do to get full custody and ghost this idiot.
I think the 2nd visit is to see if they learned anything from their actions and changed. Guess what!? They don’t EVER get character transplants overnight.
The definition of maturity is accepting delayed satisfaction. RN’s make great money so you keep trudging your road to happy destiny and your hard work will payoff.
You’re the definition of tough as nails. Your guts are made of Steel girl. Put your bitch boots ???? on and scrape this dog shit from your heels.
I’m so overwhelmed reading all of your comments. Thank you Chump Lady for taking the time to read and respond to my post. I’ve read this in bits and pieces while I fussed with the baby. Now I’m trying to keep my poker face on since my 6 year is old eating his breakfast beside me.
Thank you for being so supportive, I’m honestly choking up. I don’t feel strong in the least bit or a badass. All I feel is broken and discarded, but I will try to process what each of you have said.
I know my husband won’t want to relinquish custody of the kids. He has already told me that he will max out every credit card (to hire a lawyer) to make sure he has 50/50 custody. He’s attached to our eldest, but very little attachment to the baby.
I believe he’s already getting advice from somewhere because he’s recentely started denying that he ever kicked me out of the house and even threatened me with felony charges of kidnapping. I tried to get him to admit it over text and he’s only gone so far as to say that he didn’t mean for us to leave permanently. He hasn’t filed for divorce yet because he doesn’t want to pay child support and is waiting for me to get a job. I can’t file until I’ve lived here for 6 months due to a residency requirement. So I’m in limbo mode… and the wait is excrutiating.
The confusing part is yes, I will admit he was a selfish person during our marriage, but this is a whole different side of him that I’ve never seen before. Was I so awful that I brought this out of him or he just kept that part of himself so hidden? I don’t know and I’m wrestling with my own thoughts. I hope someday so to be on the other side of this… and to stop caring about the why…
Unpopular opinion here but my ex is delaying our divorce as well. We have a temp order where he has NO overnights. For the sake of my baby I am allowing the delay to delay him getting that 50/50 at such a young age. Many people will tell you to speed up the process and that may be helpful for you to move forward however I’m of the mind set that I want my baby with me as long as possible. So he can delay as much as he wants. I hope you find a great lawyer. A little advice if you know who your judge is, ask your attorney what their relationship is with that judge..we are all only people at the end of the day and an attorneys history with a judge could play a role.
Ok so he wants 50/50 custody, make sure you remind him that you will ask the judge he back pay for the child support he’s not paying currently.
If you have to wait 6months, then just make sure he understands you WILL be asking for that back pay. He can say all he wants that he didn’t think you leaving your home would be permanent but if you have witnesses (which I think you said you did) that have seen the OW at your home, you can easily tell the judge you did not feel your home was a safe place for you or your children while his infidelity is taking place.
Any judge is going to hear those things and know, those are reasons to stay away from the home.
I know you feel like your in limbo but as long as you keep your game face on with him, don’t lash out at him (that won’t help you in court), and keep your distance from him, it will get a little easier every day.
Think about it, he will eventually have to deal with all of this. Six months or not, it will happen and you WILL have the upper hand.
“If you have to wait 6months, then just make sure he understands you WILL be asking for that back pay.”
Respectfully, I wouldn’t tell my enemy ANYTHING without running it by a lawyer.
Also, I know you feel discarded and like a total fool for believing he was someone he’s not. It’s hard to imagine the level of cruelty they are capable of, and then realize you’re not imagining it because it’s real.
I promise one day he will be nothing to you. That’s hard to grasp and even digest in this moment, but it will happen. He doesn’t deserve to have you anymore, not your thoughts, the sound of your voice, the smell of your perfume, nothing.
He was a fraud, and one day when your children are older they will look to you for strength and admire you beyond belief for yours. Your children will understand how excruciating this must have been for you and be in awe of the woman that is their mother. Trust Me On That!
In your situation, waiting the six months to get jurisdiction established under the Uniform Child Custody and Jurisdiction Enforcement Act may be the best move. If he really cared about your kids and not about money he would file before he lost the jurisdictional advantage. You also can’t kidnap your own kids. His threats are empty. Lay low, wait for the right time. YOU are the karma in this situation. Talk to a lawyer in your jurisdiction and follow their advice. Let him do what he’s going to do with the OW because it’s just going to hurt him in the long run. From your description I’d just be glad to not have to look at him each day.
This. Give him enough rope and let him hang himself. The fact that he is not paying support says volumes. You could depose that neighbor who saw the OW.
I think waiting until you have residency and then file is the way to go too. I’m glad you have DISTANCE from this freak. I’d start interviewing lawyers now, gather your financials, etc.
Also, it may be to your advantage now NOT to have a job. He’s on the hook for support/alimony. Also these creeps want 50/50 so they don’t have to pay support.
He will NOT look sympathetic to a judge.
He kept that side of himself hidden. It had nothing to do with you and everything to do with him. You don’t have to spackle or blame yourself for his bad behavior anymore.
“…this is a whole different side of him that I’ve never seen before. Was I so awful that I brought this out of him or he just kept that part of himself so hidden?”
His “different side” has nothing to do with you. This is WHO HE IS. He has been hiding who he is from you. Read Psychopath Free by Jackson MacKenzie (there’s a good website by the same name). This book put A LOT of the puzzle pieces in place for me.
And for the record, your story makes me want to spit nails. Your ex is an abusive fuckwit. You’re going to soar now that he’s gone, you’ve already proven you’re mighty. (((Eve)))
One more thing, there’s a book called Splitting: Protecting Yourself While Divorcing Someone with Borderline Or Narcissistic Personality Disorder by Bill Eddy and Randi Kreger. It may have some good advice for you. I can’t speak to the book as I haven’t read it, but I’ve heard good things about it.
Eve, they can hide the real them for quite some time. You won’t see it till the discard. He did not become a sociopath out of the blue nor did you cause him to act this way. The first thing is to get doubts out of your head of what you did wrong or what you could have done better……the discard was inevitable. He is a piece of garbage. Threatening to get full custody is the oldest ploy in the book. All he wants is for you to walk away with nothing. This is a man that threw you, the baby and the son he is supposed to be attached to out of the house! Do you really think he wants full custody while he is playing house with the skank OW? Nah.
Also. The bastard threw you out. There must be witnesses you could use to verify that you called them to tell them he threw you out, one would be your mother. Him saying he wanted you to leave but not forever is so effin lame. He’s backtracking.
Eve, honey that side you are seeing will get really ugly. CL has good advice! Please get to a lawyer! Even though you can’t file for 6 months at least start looking and getting recommendation. You need to start getting advice and get in place for the way forward. You need to get ahead of this especially since you think he is already talked to one and he is now trying to change his story that he didn’t throw you and the babies out. Do not discuss any of your plans regarding lawyer or job search or any of this! Conversation by email or text only! To a minimum. You have to look at this now you are in the battle of your life for you and the babies! He is the enemy and you must look at him as the enemy. In wars you never let the enemy know what the next move is. Do the same here. Please immediately start looking for a lawyer and get to one so you can be advised on the right way to do this. Again, have it added to the court papers you sleeping on the floor pregnant and him throwing his family with a new born baby out of the home. I promise you he will have nothing coming after a judge hears that.
Eve, I think that you are far better off staying with you mom. One, because you will feel safe with her. Two, it has to be better to know that there is another sane adult in the house that can help with child care and diaper changes. Three, would you really WANT the old house back? With the memories and the pain that occurred there. My daughter is always telling me that it is hardest to heal in the place you were abused.
My kids and I started over fresh with next to nothing. I downsized and bought a newer home. STBX can keep the older home will all of its outdated issues. We are creating all new memories. In fact, the only thing that I do have that can remind me of the ex is my kids. Mind you, they look NOTHING like him, but they are teenagers full of angst that HE created, so there are multiple daily bash sessions in his honor. (More like dishonor.)
Just take it one day at a time. Only ask yourself, what do I need to get done TODAY. The minute you start worrying about the future, remind yourself that a lot can happen in between now and then. So, just focus on the moment that is currently in front of you. Focus on your beautiful children and the magical, wonderful age that they are right now. Don’t look back years later with regret and realize that you wasted a minute of their current, precious age worrying about a loser.
ALSO! I have noticed that Chumps are VERY intelligent people that are FAR smarter than cheaters. He should be scared of YOU! Because you have proven that you are VERY capable!!!
Keep us all posted, please. We are all walking the same road. Lots of love surrounding you tonight and in the days ahead.
Remind your kids the best revenge is living well. If they succeed in life (school, career) and don’t acknowledge dear old Dad, it will kill him. It can be a great motivator.
Eve, the thing is- sociopaths HATE it when you start to succeed. When you are just a hair away from accomplishing your career goal, they want to blow things up for you. Evil. It happened to me, too (but certainly not to the degree you were abused! Pregnant, and with a small child)
“Was I so awful that I brought this out of him or he just kept that part of himself so hidden?” No, you were just succeeding, and he hated it! Then his true being was revealed.
Don’t carry any guilt around, it’s not yours!
Eve, I hope you have read the response below. Someone raised a good point. Who told you to wait 6 months for residency if you don’t have a lawyer yet? Did your husband tell you this? He says he wants to wait? You cannot listen or believe anything he says. This is extremely important. Please today call around and get references for the best lawyer you can get. If this guy is getting advice he is probably moving and hiding assets and getting his story together that you abandoned him and took the kids. Please don’t wait! You must come swinging out of the box. In the initial divorce filing you put in there about the sleeping on the floor and he kicked you all out with a new born baby. You are the client and do not let any attorney tell you . You want it in the first filing. The reason is to be ahead of this. Have him on the defense instead of you. He can out of the box file that you left him!! Tell him nothing and do not discuss or let him know any of this! That residency of 6 months may be a lie while he gets time to a screw you over! If he has a good job and benefits hire a forensic accountant. Even if the 6 month wait is true get to a lawyer so all these options on your case can be discussed so you can file and get him served on day one. Pease let us know what happened but get on that today!
Never talk legal advice from your opponent. He can max out all the credit cards on lawyers he likes, it doesn’t mean he’ll get a certain outcome from a judge.
“Was I so awful that I brought this out of him or he just kept that part of himself so hidden?” NO, absolutely not. There is NOTHING you could have done to make him abusive. How “bad” would someone have to be for YOU to do this to them? The answer is nothing. There is no way you would ever behave as your husband has, because you’re not a selfish monster. Abuse is always a choice and the abuser is 100% responsible for making that choice. What asshole throws his pregnant wife and child onto the street? I mean, seriously Eve, wtf? Your husband is a sadistic monster.
Please run, don’t walk, to a lawyer. DO NOT TELL YOU HUSBAND YOU’RE DOING THIS. The less information he has, the better you can sucker punch him. Keep him in the dark for as long as possible.
I am so sorry you’re dealing with this.
A strategic delay in filing can be extremely helpful. I let Voldemort go play with his mistress to his heart’s content. But I had immediately established a parenting plan that gave him ~25% time, which proved much more than he could handle. Romantic getaways with the girlfriend kept getting in the way. I always took the extra time and did not budge on “my time”….but documented every day. I set up an Excel spreadsheet that another CN chump sent me with columns for breakfast, drive to school, pick up, lunch, afterschool care, dinner, laundry, extracurriculars and then just checked off which parent did each task each day, with notes for extra info. After setting it up it was actually very easy to keep up with. I would never have been able to recreate it.
By the time we went to court he had missed a huge (and fully documented) chunk of his time. I had chapter and verse ready to go.
The courts look at the last 6 months. My parenting plan that had been in effect for almost a year morphed pretty much into the court ordered plan. Without this I would most certainly have ended up with 50/50.
Try to get copies of ALL financial documents, close any joint accts and move at least half the assets into your own bank account.
Karma–well the girlfriend’s karma is assured.
I am so sorry you are going through this but so glad you are getting out.
Would love to get my hands on that spreadsheet! Any way I can get that template or something similar?
Jo–I’m sending it to you via Tempest. Sheet one is an overall checklist of who does what (adapt as relevant). Sheet 2 is a monthly template–first give it a new name “June2020” and then adjust the days of the month with the days of the week (this helps reduce errors!). Next change column headers to fit your life, or add more.
Then you can just copy it and create the next month’s sheet and again adjust columns A and B to be right number of days of the month and the days.
Because it is excel you can quickly calculate what proportion of any task you do, and/or assign hours to an event and calculate total % of parenting time by month.
Omg that would be amazing! What is tempest? How do I it?
Could I also get a copy of the template please! That sounds like an amazing tool.
Tempest is one of the goddesses on this website who makes the magic happen. I have sent her the spreadsheets via email and asked her to send it to you. She can find email addresses without breaking confidences.
Jo–when she sends it please ask her to send it to Salty too.
It is a basic spreadsheet–you could easily come up with it yourself–but in the midst of the mayhem one does not have time to figure these things out. All credit goes to a lovely chump who sent me a version from…Switzerland. The country.
Thank you SO much!
Could I also please get a copy?
(Sorry, I replied to the wrong post. ????)
Could I also get a copy of the template please! That sounds like an amazing tool.
Eve, think about it this way: what kind of a woman (person) moves in to someone else’s house while the wife AND CHILDREN have to couch surf? She just has no clue, no morals, no standards, she’s hollow. And your sociopathic husband is attracted to THAT.
You will be so much better. It will hurt horribly for many months but in the end you will be way happier than you were in that marriage.
A guy like this tells OW that Eve left him and took his kids from him. He feels abandoned and lonely and can’t stand being there without company. He probably made OW feel like the right thing to do was move in to help him. Being a good little enabler, OW jumped all over that opportunity.
Speaking as someone with lots of life experience with malignant Narcs. They lie to everyone.
Cheater has been fooling around with OW since last (at least) November. So OW has been with cheater while Chump (Eve) was pregnant and gave birth. However, that would not stop cheater from throwing the blame on Eve and would not stop OW from buying into his story. Even though OW of all people should know better….funny how crazy people will say/accuse others of the craziest things and when they first say it they know it is bizarre but then soon after it becomes gospel. They actually end of believing their own fake stories.
First things first: lots of hugs and kisses. You are mighty and don’t ever think that what you do is anything less than a powerful, amazing act of love.
You story reminded me of something and CL’s words about your h being a sociopath…
I remember being a mom of two, doing school full time, full time taking care of a 2 year old and a few months old baby…. the lack of sleep, energy … and hearing how lazy I am, how I cannot keep the house clean ( totally a lie) how the laundry room is a mess ( meaning not everything is on the hangers but washed and dried in the basket)… how lazy I am for not using my spare time ( ????) ti exercise and loose the weight, how unattractive that is…
And the moment of discovering his secret accounts- Craigslist backpage etc.
His reaction? I’m destroying the family by snooping on this poor hard working guy, I’m destroying the family by being so insecure and bat shit crazy….
I remember being pregnant after another fight, completely broken… in a desperate need to escape , asking him to tell me the truth instead of gaslighting and lying…. sitting on the cold floor in our garage- complete melt down.. just being a one miserable blob of desperation…. his reaction?
“ don’t behave like a child, you should get in the house”
No explanation, no truth… after thst- he went to bed and slept like nothing happened.
I was pregnant. With his child. At the moment.
I remember driving on a highway, crying like a crazy maniac, looking at my big belly and feeling like a horrible mother- not providing my child a safe and living place.. but instead flooding this poor baby with waves of sorrow and stress.
It’s just shocking how many of us have gone through this insanity of living in a fake world created by a sociopath/narc.
I wish you all the best, Madeline. And hugs to your children.
I want to emphasize how important it is to get a good lawyer and go into stealth mode when you divorce a cheater. Change your email passwords, separate your phone bills so he can’t see that you’re contacting the toughest lawyer in town (mine had control of our family cell phones and stalked mine). Watch what you say to anyone because he can corrupt even friends and coworkers to get his point of view across! Someone who would treat you like this is dangerous and danger escalates when they stop getting their way! Despite the fact that he threw you out, in some states he could file and cite abandonment on your part!
You are an amazing & strong person. You have a great career ahead of you, two beautiful children, a supportive family and integrity! Don’t worry about karma! You know the saying about “Time heals all wounds?” It’s true, but it’s also true that “Time wounds all heels!” Your cheater is definitely a heel of epic proportions! Be strong! We have your back!
YES!! Good point. I was stalked by call also. All numbers I dialed were check, tracker turned on. I was accused of looking at a house when I was volunteering at the school. He texted a screen shot of the find my friends map pissed that I was looking a an expensive house. I was actually in the school which was in the middle of a neighborhood. When I turned the track er off he lost his shit!! “Don’t you fuck with me, you’ll regret it!!” It turned it back on out of fear. I was threatened that I could not see or speak to a lawyer or he would take everything and the kids would have no money for college or their beloved sports and “you’ll be so fucking sorry.” I used the office phone at DD’s extracurricular to call an attorney. I left my phone at home, went to a neighbor’s house to call another one.I met with one when he was out of town for work(with my phone at home of course.)
I was “allowed” to buy groceries if I turned every receipt in so he could review each item. He thought I would stockpile gift cards. I couldn’t use our credit card for anything else unless pre-apprived and for the kids. I didn’t have my own money or accounts. No family, sooo ashamed to tell most friends. His plan was to separate and he would help me “if I behaved” and then when last kid was old enough we would divorce because “I am not ever paying child support or alimony.” (BTW, “behaving” included not telling my own sister and friends that he cheated.) By then he was drunk all the time, throwing affair and “dates” in my face, masturbating in front of me and laughing. He said he’d move out when he was damn ready. I couldn’t leave with no access to money and he would not leave. I was desperately trying to get a decent job, but struggling as a SAHM for many years at his insistence of course. This went on for a year. I finally got 2 FT jobs and a side gig and got the fuck out renting shitty little place. I knew I’d never be able to actually file for divorce or have paperwork drawn up if we were in the same house- he would have kept his word and killed me. Also, I knew I had to at least consult with a lawyer and file for divorce, not some private separation that isn’t filed with the courts. There’s so much more, but you get the gist here… the stalking is super serious with these types.
Note, I do have a sister, but she was in no situation to help me financially or to let us stay with her. One very estranged bi-polar mother (who in retrospect is a lot like Asshole), and my father died shortly before all this.
Also, sorry about the type-os
So sorry. Hope you are doing well now. Scary how they focus on partners without too much backup support.
I have nothing to add to all the great comments except to also express my disgust of him and support of you. Please check in and let us know how you are doing. Humongous love and hugs. Good luck on the boards!
I don’t read or comment much here these days but your story really broke my heart. I have always said that there should be a special place in hell for partners who cheat on their pregnant partners. Your STBX takes it to a whole new circle of hell however.
I can’t offer much in the way of advice. My kids were adults when the ex and I split. There were no fights over custody, there were no fights over money. I took half the value of the equity of our house and walked away from any other assets and my right to alimony just to get the hell away from him. The last day I saw him was the day we were divorced.
I can just tell you that this will eventually turn into a scar. That karma comes when you no longer care about them or their life so there is no use waiting for it now. That only impedes your progress.
You might not feel like you’re bad ass but you are! You are so mighty! Someday you will realize that him being out of your life is better. It will come and it will be on a Tuesday!
Eve – you’ve received good solid advice here. It’s a road map which will keep you on track , moving forward and avoiding some more pain.
I want to give you thanks. Because you shared your story, I feel resolved about ending my 30 year marriage. That’s a mighty gift you were able to share in your darkest moment.
Stay close – there’s a whole lot of good karma here for you!
I know exactly how Eve feels, agreed get out and get a lawyer I too was thrown out of my own home and door locks changed for his “FILTHY” wandering dick! He even abandoned the dog, he’s a sociopath, Narcissistic POS! In Canada just be prepared because if your on “TITLE” still for 1/2 the house you shared you often don’t qualify for legal aid it’s hard to believe??? I had to buy a lawyer on credit and they offered me a legal aid fee because useless Canada, legal aid said I didn’t qualify! I fought tooth and nail and finally got my settlement! Now I’m working towards helping my two teens I love dearly! This man is mentally ill!????????????
Echoing others who have posted, Eve, you are truly mighty. And you’ve shown your emotional stability and maturity to have handled what you went through while trying to be amicable for the kids. We are all rooting for you to get the legal fairness that you deserve. And I hope you know that CL’s words will ring true one day. You will see that your win was a life without him. It may hurt now, but there will be a day when you thank your lucky stars that he left your life. I sometimes think it has to be in such a horrid way so that those of us with extremely caring and forgiving tendencies will see enough not to take them back. Sending you all the love and well wishes and praying for your healing ????????
How can he do it you ask? Because he has no soul, no heart not even a conscience. How do I know? My ex threw me and our special needs son out while I was going through a cancer scare. You’ll hear other stories about pregnant wives being abandoned, children abused, faithful partners left when a critical illness strikes. Calling these people shit is an insult to shit, at least it can be used as fertilizer. Hugs Eve!! You are deep in the worst part. It gets better. Get thee to a lawyer! My son and I have a new life, a new home, and my ex? He has nothing but another soulless heartless conscienceless wast of air and space.
Eve, he’s a fuckwit. He’s abusive and you need to stay away from him. I always wonder about these women. Where is the woman code not to hurt a woman with a new baby? I’m sitting here thinking… if I were to get involved with a married man (never) I would certainly be mortified if he were to kick out his wife and babies. I would be instantly filled with contempt and then I couldn’t screw him anymore. I think that about the OW in my life. Is she proud of herself for ruining a business, hurting a woman she worked with, hurting a child, breaking up a family and contributing to the implosion of a man? WTSF? Do they feel good about that? Eve- they deserve each other and their low moral character.
They have no shame and why would they? They are exercising the “pursuit of happiness “ and society finds it sooo amazing. I am still amazed at how little even my own family cares about what my ex husband did to me. His family acts like I never existed. My two little daughters went from favorites to non existent in their lives.
Eve, I don’t have kids, so I cannot attest to the pain you are feeling in that regard. But holy shit, do sociopaths play from the same rulebook? Mine used to make me pay him a depreciation payment on the car I drove. Depreciation payment? You don’t know what that is? That’s because it is entirely made up bull shit. That was when we bought a car in full by paying cash, he titled it in his name, and then I paid him a monthly payment based on the “depreciation value” he calculated. This pie slice on the wheel of domestic abuse is economic abuse.
The OW also moved into my house after I moved out and slept in my bed; she can continue to make it.
Anyway, I felt compelled to respond because it does really get better. I’m not going to gush about how great life will get when you make it to Tuesday. Those people used to irritate me when I was going through my divorce. I didn’t want THAT. I wanted my house, my old life, my old dreams.
But just yesterday, I was thinking about all of the wonderful things I’ve done and experience since my divorce and the truly remarkable people I’ve met. I’m remarried to a remarkable person. I would have none of this in my life had I stay married to my ex. He isn’t capable of that kind of joy and depth.
I don’t believe in karma. But, Eve, I do believe in living your best life. You are so doing that. Nursing school while raising two kids, one an infant? You are invincible. You will get what you deserve.
And he will get his.
Oh Eve. I am so sorry. Your asshole, poor-excuse-for-a-spouse sounds so much like mine. So much that I feel PTSD reading your story. I reconciled after the first DDay after 12 years of marriage and another 5 together before that. He was also my 1st relationship and we had 2 kids. So, I chickened out and stayed. Fast forward 8 years… the abuse become exponentially worse down to threatening my life. Kids saw a bad relationship modeled for years and had their own damage because he was a crap parent also of course- those types always are. In the end it turned out that he had been screwing around since dating; some long term “relationships” some one-offs, many, many colleagues, etc. I was young, naive, spackled, scared to stand up for myself, scared & embarrassed to be, gasp, a divorcee. What was in it for him? I made him look good. I played the sweet little adoring housewife to Mr. Executive and gave him the cover to be a total dirt bag while playing the part of respectable businessman. In reality, he was and still is a porn addict, alcohol abuser, pill popper (stole his own daughter pain pills after her surgery) treated employees horribly, predator (nice women hate him, skanky gold diggers love him), harassment and hostile workplace lawsuit aggressor, sociopath.
The last OW was extra skanky and trashy (but performs all his deviant porn fanciness) so he has kept her. I hated her before, now I’m grateful for her. She gave me an easy out when I needed it most.
YOU are amazing. You are doing something now instead of waiting like I did. I am beaming with pride for you. I wish my younger self could have you for a role model.
I walked away from a fair settlement for fear of him and his threats. My financial situation is not great, but I don’t even care much when I let myself go to memory lane. I have peace and peace is very, very valuable!!
Also, EMDR is a wonderful therapy. I’m not sure I’d be functioning right now if I hadn’t done that.
For some reason this letter makes me want to climb down the interweb to kill this motherfucker. What a piece of shit. These cheaters never fail to amaze.
He is a pig. You however, are awesome. Its that simple. I had a similar experience 3 years ago. My ex husband kicked me and our 2 daughters out in the middle of winter. We had to live in a truck for 6 weeks before our house was free from the previous tenants. It had no toilet. He was happy for his kids to dig holes to go to the loo in while he moved his girlfriend and her daughter in to their rooms. Fast forward 3 years. Hes still with her but won’t let her move in permanently because he doesn’t like her daughter so she’s at his back and call. I have started my own business in direct competition with him and its going really well. My life is full of great friends. I know it doesn’t feel like it but hes done you a huge favor. Keep going and one day you will realise that. Big hugsxx
Eve….waiting is not in your best interests and as you already noticed, he is getting ahead of you in this game. Yes, he already has a lawyer if he is being careful about what he says to you.
This means that YOU need to get on top of him first and do it quietly. Why do you need to establish residency? This is an aggressive lawyer type of a question. This man kicked you out of YOUR house with your children but it doesn’t mean you can’t claim residency where you’ve lived. Again, aggressive shark lawyer kind of a game. You HAVE to, absolutely MUST find a lawyer who knows and is aggressive enough to play that in your favor big time. Whatever legal advice you are getting now sounds weak at best and lazy at worst. Heck a clever lawyer can help you rent a room in the right area for a few hundred just so you can nail your STBX fast and hard, before he gets a case against you put together. You need a lawyer who enjoys playing dirty LEGALLY.
Eve, please understand that most lawyers are pretty pathetic when it comes to fighting and when people are telling you find the top notch shark/pitbull they mean the exceptional one and it might take some serious looking on your part and many consults. Ask around as well. A shark lawyer is one that other lawyers actually fear.
Waiting and being passive is NOT in your interest here. Beware and get aggressive. You’ve been in an abusive relationship for a long long time, longer than you are aware of or care to admit to, and you’ve learned how to survive, aka play dead, yield, play nice, do what he wants because you’ve been so defeated you don’t even know you have options. This is a time where you don’t do that and where you hire someone you wouldn’t be friends with because they are an a hole….but you need that a hole on YOUR side for a change, someone with real teeth and who enjoys biting and gets off on that.
Congratulations on escaping an abusive husband and father. Yes it might not have been your choice but you are a survivor. A survivor!!!! You are going to kick ass. And God Almighty will your kids, when they hear the whole story as adults when you are ready to tell it, be so so in admiration of you. Get that divorce, get all you can, get help with everything, and you will be free and you will thrive. If you’ve suffered through multiple miscarriages (me too) you were brave enough to keep trying and you ended up with what you wanted – a baby! So you are strong and you will end up better for your suffering. Walk through it.
Get primitive, funny stuff.
Seriously, you’ve done a great job Eve. I’m horrified by his behavior. You need to find an attorney who represents women and children who are abused. I’ll add to this a suggestion to have him evaluated by the court. You didn’t cause this, we often see the switch flip. Locking you out of your bedroom? Throwing you out? Also get drug testing. This is over the top.
I wonder if your sociopath ex slipped you some (miscarriage) drugs.
Eve, you are already mighty, even though you may not realize it. Best wishes as you move forward into your career!
I agree with ChumpLady on this one especially regarding child support. This whacko sounds like a real sociopath, and no one to have around kids if it can be avoided. If he can be persuaded to sign off on any/all parental rights (sounds like it), do it soon while he’s on a high of what he considers “winning.” Filing for child support doesn’t always mean you get a decent amount (ask me about US state minimums that get awarded for purposeful under-earners. Truly pathetic.) It also means you will get reminded of this jerk at every turn. Let’s not even talk about the nightmares of visitation, which most US state courts often adjudicate in the same hearing as child support. If you can make it at all on your own financially, do it. Cut him loose and leave him far, far behind. As ChumpLady says, one parent makes up a family just fine. YOU GOT THIS.
I don’t think he’ll sign off on his rights. Whatever hatred he feels, its very much directed at me. He doesn’t think the kids have anything to do with our marriage. I asked him how he could do this to us (the kids and I) and he said I’m not leaving the kids, I’m leaving you. He was around for the fun stuff: movies, fishing, shooting, but as soon as it got boring for him, he would take off.
This is in no way an excuse for his behavior but he’s never had a father figure in his life. Actually his dad walked out on his mom when he was 5 years old with two youngers siblings. He’s never had someone to look up to so he doesn’t even know what a dad or a husband should look like.
I think when things got tough, it was easier to cut and run than to stay. Its just the manner that he did this in is so painful. And at the moment we are 6.5 hours apart (in different states). One of us is going to have more custody and I know (because he has told me) that it drives him mad to think he would have to pay child support. He has sent so many text messages demanding that I find a job in his hometown so that he can have access to the kids 50/50. Not that he’s so eager to devote his time, but because it wouldn’t cost him as much financially. I would be grateful to him if he signed off on his parental rights, but I know that would never happen and my eldest loves his dad so much.
Keep all his text messages. I doubt one of them has “I’ll send some money for the kids”. Also, don’t buy into he’s good with the kids. Someone like that is not a good parent and will turn on them in a NY second. Yeah he is asking for 50/50 but you will no doubt bear the brunt of all child costs. I still think he’ll be receptive to signing off so he is not financially liable.
Are you now living in a fault or no fault state? If you can gain residency in a fault state then all cheating/abusive evidence can be used against him. If you are already waiting to file, look into it. I really wish I had moved to a fault state instead of staying instate where none of my evidence of his cheating will be a factor.
They really do read from a script don’t they? Mine said the same ‘I didn’t leave the kids, I left you’. Funny that, as he didn’t fight for his kids, like I thought he would.
I just had the realisation that this was nearly me. Ex tried to remove me from the family home and keep the kids. I was no longer convenient. Fortunately he got legal advice and I think got told he couldn’t kick me out of my own house. Ultimately, I unknowingly grey rocked him out with the help of a couple counsellor and he took the garbage out and I quickly changed the locks. This didn’t stop him breaking in… Rise strong Eve, you are a warrior mum and as CL said you’ve had an unfortunate brush up against a sociopath. He’s the abnormality here, you’re just awesome. Be strong, love your kids fiercely and be an awesome nurse with life experience and empathy. But please don’t ever let anyone lock you out and make you sleep on the floor. Kick that fucking door down and occupy that space like a warrior. File, get your furniture house car whatever back and do not give empathy or waste emotion on someone who has none. He’s the human version of a pet rock.
If he is not the sole person on the deed (and in most states that doesn’t matter), you have a right to reside at your home. Like Warrior Mum did, take back your own house. It would then be hard for Schmoopie to carry on there with you and your two children occupying the space. There is nothing your husband can do about it. If he tells you to leave, tell him you know your rights. If he insists call the police. If he wants to spend time with Schmoopie he’ll have to go to her house or move in with her. If you think he is dangerous then continue to stay at your mom’s house.
As far as residency, that is true, there is a certain number of months you must live in a state to file there. Your only other alternative to waiting to file is file in your previous state of residency. You are allowed to do this. If the other state would be more favorable as far as their laws then I would file in that state.
Here is my advice. I know this is probably the most difficult life event you have ever gone through. Your heart is broken and you probably have PTSD. When you look at your sweet babe, take bravery from that. Do what you have to not for yourself because I’d hazard a guess you’d take a backseat for yourself but you will do what you must for your children. Be a momma bear, fight! Fight for your childrens future life. If it’s waiting then wait. If it’s standing up to stbx and maintaining boundries, be a champion at it. If it’s filing in your former state, then do it. If it’s gaining evidence of his inability to be trusted with shared custody then become .007. Do what you have to for them.
When you emerge in your new life, work on you. Also learn about these guys playbook. They all seem to use the same one so you can avoid these bad eggs in the future.
Yes, I am on the deed. I know I have rights to that home but I’m only intending on going back there to collect mine and the kids things when the divorce is finalized. And unfortunately he is the police and so is she.
I’m biding my time because my home state is very conservative (doesn’t like to split up families) and its very common for judges to make both spouses reside near each other for the sake of the children. The state I’m living in now is more favorable and I’m hoping his affair partner keeps him busy enough to where he doesn’t realize that I can’t be forced to move back if I’ve lived here for 6 months.
I’ve hired a private investigator (I’m sure the repayment on my credit card will be fully worth it) and even though it won’t make a difference (no fault state) I want undeniable proof of what he did and to present it in court to demostrate his character, or lack thereof. He texted me the other day and asked me if we could be friends in the future and has completely denied that he as any relationship with her at all. Unfortunately for him, I’m friends with the neighbors.
The funny thing is that when he initially asked me for a divorce – yes I was upset and distraught and in turmoil, but I loved him. He said he was unhappy and I was the reason for his misery. I told him I wanted him to be happy. I told him I would start over without him if that’s what he wanted and wouldn’t even ask for child support when he told me to take the kids. I feel so dumb. If I hadn’t figured out about the affair, I would have been played so hard.
Now, all I want is a fair judge, a fair split and support for the kids. Any sympathy, and love, any empathy I might have felt for him disappeared in an instant. I didn’t choose this, he created the situation and I want him to feel the weight of his actions. I thought myself a decent person, but this had brought out feelings in me that I’ve never experienced before and never wish to experience again.
Bravo Eve! You are masterfully watching out for yourself and your children. I pray the six months will go by ever so swiftly. I’m glad you have good neighbors and didn’t get fleeced. These guys can come across as very convincing all the while lying through their teeth. You should and deserve to get a fair 50/50 split.
Oh my goodness Eve – I can feel the pain. Your husband is one SOB.
I had a similar experience with my ex. He left when I was pregnant with my now almost 4 yr old daughter. We have a now almost 11 yr old too. He said he wasn’t sure what he wanted and needed to be on his own. He left and was visiting the house after work to see our son.
Of course, I asked him if he was seeing someone else and he went full on rage ‘How dare you accuse me of cheating. I’m depressed and just need to be on my own.’
He called round to the house one evening and he wanted to order a takeaway. That’s when I got the proof. The OW’s address and name popped up on the checkout.
He then tell me he’s ruined everything and punches himself in the face giving him a black eye. (I’m sure he anchored sympathy from OW that I had done it. I kind of wish I had)
He didn’t throw me out of the house as I own it, but sure if he could have, he would have. He told me he was reporting me to social services, he was going to gain full custody of our kids. All kinds of sh**.
Of course, it was me who sought mediation to resolve the issues. He didn’t want to go. He wanted to call to the house when he liked to see our kids and thought that I should just ask him for money when I needed it. It took months for me to get him to mediation. AND, then just like magic, he agreed to everything I asked for. He doesn’t like to look like the bad guy.
He’s been gone 4 1/2 years and he’s married the OW. She is a low life too for being part of it all. It truly boggles my mind that someone would want to be with a man that could do that.
I ended up in hospital with gallstones while pregnant and general stress of what was going on. When my daughter was born, I sent him a text message to let him know. He replied a day later ‘Congratulations’.
Then he and his new girlfriend bought my daughter some presents – from the both of them. I took them and returned them. It made me feel so sick. They said that they would both like to help me out with the care of my daughter and would like to take her for the odd day so I could have a break.
Back to mediation I went.
Your story hit me. I hope you do whatever you can to get what is rightfully yours xxx
Are you sure our (soon-to-be) former spouses aren’t related? Mine said that he just wanted to be alone, focus on his job and wasn’t interested in getting into a relationship with anybody for a long time. Laughable knowing everything that I know now.
And he is all about image. He would leave to go to the gym hours on end, got a haircut every weekend, ironed his tshirts before heading out the door and ran up tens of thousands of dollars on his credits cards so that he was always dressed to impress. Of course, I didn’t learn about the extent of the debt until he threatened to saddle me with half of it if I chose to hire a lawyer instead of proceeding with the divorce ourselves.
I hope when the time comes, that he chooses his finances over his kids. I know that sounds like a horrible thing to say, but I would rather they not get jerked around like I was these past few years and it can truly be a clean break. Somehow I doubt he’ll let things go that way.
Others above have addressed the righteous indignation you should have, how you should take him to the cleaners in a divorce, etc. I’m going to point out something different.
My kids are in college and grad school now. I’m divorced and happily remarried, working in a career I love. But what gives me the most joy, looking back, is the time I spent with my daughters when they were young – changing diapers, the night the younger one had some sort of bad cough, and kept waking up, so I went to sleep on the floor of her room with her laying on my chest, comforting her every time she woke up, taking them to soccer practice, reading them stories.
All of that work of parenting is gold, and until I have grand babies to pamper (and then hand back to their parents when they get cranky), it’s among my fondest memories.
You have all of those happening now, and you get them all. Your foolish STBX gets none of it. It might seem like work now, but it’s sacred work, the true stuff of life, and down the line you’ll be glad for every moment of it.
I know it’s hard now, but I also know that you’re a mighty, soon to be nurse (aka superhero), and you can do delayed gratification. Parenting young kids is delayed gratification in spades. Remember this when you’re changing a diaper at 3 AM and can barely keep your eyes open.
Hugs. Strength. Peace.
Thank you for your encouraging words. It is hard, but at 4.5 months old, its getting easier. I’m near family and everybody has been willing to help. The more I think about it, the more I realize, things really haven’t changed all that much. I was the one taking care of the household and kids before and I’m doing the same thing now, just without all the criticism. I have my good days and my bad, but I have to say I’m enjoying being away from someone who was so entitled. I didn’t see it as the time – but the time apart has been very illuminating.
I do treasure my time with the baby and seeing my two boys interact brings me joy. I’m sad that I’ve wasted 8 years of my life on my spouse, but I get two sweet angels out of it. Thats a definite win.