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Cheating Excuses and Non Sequiturs — ‘It Didn’t Take That Much Time’

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I often advise chumps to never, ever stick their head in the mindfuck blender after discovery. Don’t ask your cheater why they did this. Their motivations. Their astrological sign. Their FOO issues. Their pollen allergy.

Whatever the explanation given, it will be pure nonsense.

Nonsense that will PAIN you.

And I realize typing this that I’m way too late. You probably already asked.

So, today as our Friday Challenge, we can make fun of their answers. I got, “It didn’t take that much time.” As if cheating was a scheduling issue. Why, if only he’d had the perfect data management system, we could overlook this pesky trifle.

It. Didn’t. Take. That. Much. Time.

A comment on his lovemaking, perhaps? I don’t know. I left that skein a long time ago.

Your turn.

Point. Laugh. TGIF!

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Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • I asked you to let me go with her and you said no. It’s the only thing I have asked you in 11 years 😳

    • I’m just replying to a random comment because I don’t see how to post my own comment.

      I haven’t logged into Chump Lady’s blog in a long time and I see the forums are no longer.

      If anyone sees this reply, can they reply by directing me to a divorce forum that can help me with legal and financial ideas?

      I’m looking for some good starting resources to inquire about divorce with no financial resources. Thank you.

  • You gave me permission. Remember that day you were upset because you did notceant to go to a bar? Remember you told me to find someone else to go with? I thought you would not care anyway. I thought you did not love me? You are boring. She liked to have fun.

      • Yep. I told him something similar and got the same answer. “You said I should find someone more compatible since your lupus can’t allow you to go out from 9pm-2am and aLl ThE WaStEd MoNeY oN CoNcErT TiCkEtS!” So I took her.

        He denys sex with her, though. I said all cheaters lie about everything they can and don’t believe him.

    • In terms of “permission” my husband told our daughter that he wasn’t cheating but that I told him it was okay to be with other girls. Gee! I think I would remember if I did that.

  • I’ve told this before, but here goes.

    When confronted with his texts to his one male friend, describing fucking the rat faced whore, in lurid detail, including how many times he’d done it;

    “None of it’s true! It was just lad’s banter”!
    🙄

    • Oh, I got a similar one! “I went out with her on a bet with the boys!!”
      All of them people from his workplace…I would have loooooved to blow HR up, but I would have hurt myself

      • Yeah, like going out with a skank as a result of a *bet* is just absolutely OK.

        These fuckers… fuc k’s sake.

      • Yeah, like going out with a skank as a result of a *bet* is just absolutely OK.

        These fuckers… fuck’s sake.

    • I blame you for my mother’s death. You should have been watching her better.

      Seriously.

      • Stillchumpin, all I can say is he’s a fuckwit.

        I had been gone for a year and I got a weeping phone call about how his dog had been runover because he hadn’t noticed she wasn’t on the back of his ute when he drove off, and when he’d noticed hours later she wasn’t there and gone back to where she was – the poor thing had been recently run over. He first said he was a terrible person.

        Then it became my fault, because if I had been there, I would have obviously noticed that the dog wasn’t there at 5am and told him to go find her. He ended up really believing that if not for the fact I had left him, his dog would be alive and well.

        • What a twat. When he came back, he accidentally told my mom who was taking care of my dog to give her 3x her normal amount. This dog was my first and I had struggled to keep her alive with transfusions and surgeries all the way back when I was in college. She was my person and he knew I’d throw him out before her. She was there for everything. My mom listened, she had a bad reaction to the overdose in medication and she died of a clot in her lungs. Then he bitched about how expensive it was just for her to die. I’ve never wanted to murder more. I can’t get it out of the back of my mind that he somehow did this on purpose. It caused me to go into preterm labor.

    • Omg I got this one too! “I just have so much love to give!” While cheater was neglecting me hardcore, raging at me constantly, refusing to return my calls, ignoring me in person, cheating on me while I was in the hospital and during my recovery, etc., etc., etc.

      • “Ummm, I think of myself as a good, hard-working person who, uhhhh, who tries to do what’s right for their family”

        Didn’t *exactly* explain why she had spent hundreds on strap on dildos, cock rings and Viagra for AP

        So asked her “forget our family, hon: why didn’t you work hard enough to give this guy an unassisted erection?”

        Winning is #fun

        Stay mighty, people!

    • “I have so much love to give”, aka “there’s an awful lot of dumb skanks out there who are more than happy to be one of my side dishes!”

  • “We were having problems and I wasn’t happy. I haven’t been happy for a long time. You are so bitter. I need you not to be so bitter all the time.”

    So obviously these “problems” he never expressed to me and of course, the blame shift, “You are so bitter all the time.” just forced him to fuck his ho-worker AND the 32 year old hood rat, niece of his high school buddy.

    Subsequently when asked if there was anything I could have done to keep him from cheating he just said “No.” Probably the one and only time he was honest in our thirty four year marriage.

    So true to Cheater form, his behavior was all my fault. I forced him to cheat by being “so bitter ALL THE TIME.” That is my super power, I maintain the bitter!

    • 👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻 This! The long-time “marriage problems” that were never once disclosed to me…..🤯🤯🤯

    • Similar for me two issues…
      When I found them together I asked, “Were you EVER going to tell me?”
      His response. “No, I was just hoping things would get better.” Followed by, “We have nothing in common anymore and I haven’t been happy for years. You know we haven’t been happy for years.” But he never mentioned he wasn’t happy or tried to talk to me. And CouchHo doesn’t camp, hike, bike, etc. And she looks nothing like me… so I think the truth is he wanted sex daily from someone who is curvier, he didn’t want to be an adult and I was making him take on more responsibilities, and he is emotionally stunted and covert narc.
      And those “common things” are hilarious b/c he keeps showing up in places where I am recreating and having fun b/c we have “nothing in common.” His CouchHo has started doing his things now… but they don’t actually have anything in common – including the same generation so good luck keeping him “happy.” I hope he never finds happy and fakes it forever like he was doing with me when he gave me a card 4 months before D-Day (during the affair) that said, “I am still crazy in love with you after all these years.” Screw his happiness.

      • Ah yes! The we weren’t happy diagnosis.
        These people are perpetual reminders of how unfair life is.

    • We weren’t getting along, (news to me), you never loved me, you don’t compliment me enough, you’re never happy, (projection), you don’t appreciate how hard I work out at the gym, I work out for you, (that’s hysterical), I don’t get butterflies in my stomach when you walk into the room, you don’t run up and hug me when I walk in the door, I didn’t mess around with anyone until I moved out, (lol), I can never make you happy. I want something different, I want someone I have more in common with.

      It’s all about them, their feelings, never do they ask or think about how we feel or what would make us happy. If they only put as much effort into the marriage as they do the AP. They’re incapable of thinking about someone other than themselves. They weren’t perfect partners, I wasn’t receiving compliments or words of appreciation (obviously) I was too busy being the adult. Never gave it much thought. It never entered my mind to search for something different and destroy our family or be disloyal.

      They’re extremely immature and selfish.

      • I got the “ you are not coming to the door when I come from work” bs
        Mind you- 2 small kids at the house with me, plus he was NEVER Coming to the door – even when I was dragging heavy groceries. That was ok.
        One event – he was telling me how excited he got when at work a lady from his office removed a piece of thread 🧵 from his shirt.
        Apparently that was an electrifying and showed how she ( just colleague nothing behind it!) cares.
        At the same time blowing me off ( no sex for months) ignoring me and of course, not jumping up the moment he was entering the house was a big flaw

        • Is he stuck in a Leave it to Beaver episode? Sounds like he wanted you to meet him at the door with his pipe and slippers too.

      • “It’s all about them and their feelings…” exactly this, mine said “I love the way she makes me feel about myself” ME ME ME!!

      • Wow. I just found out I’m a chump 2 days ago. Literally everything yours, said mine said, word for word. I know they all play out of the same handbook but wow.

      • Yep, their happiness is of supreme importance forget spouse’s happiness and kids’ happiness. Even though he wasn’t helping around the house much, wasting family resources during the affair, and robbing his family of his time, I was clueless as to what was going on and never considered cheating or ending things. I now know he’s a covert narc possibly even a sociopath given all his scheming. For months before discovery day, he would casually throw out how we have nothing in common (hello 2 kids and same hometown) and was extra critical regarding house cleaning and it never seemed like I could do enough. Just kept moving the goal posts.

    • I got the “you know we haven’t been happy for a long time” which was total news to me. Of course his excuse, the best one he could come up with, was “You know I do stupid stuff when I’m drunk”.

      Well, I did then!

    • OMG you just wrote my chump excuse story!!! What the hell!??? I was with him 4 years. Totally blind sighted! With everything! Wow! Freaky! But in a good way because I am not alone and neither are you! You can contact me any time for a good laugh. Ill open replies to this comment. Like goo I didn’t get the memo YOU were unhappy! To be fair, he didn’t sleep with his friends niece or use drinking as an excuse but everything else, ho worker…. spot on! Such bullshit!

      • Mine never admitted to the affair only that he “couldn’t do this anymore”, would give me NO reasons other than we were over. Mind, we were trying for a second baby, looking to buy a bigger house then BAM out of nowhere. This was followed by all the blameshifting and lying, never giving me ANY reason
        Hid the affair and ever admitted it began beforehand. Total MINDFUCK.

        • Mine said he can’t remember bc of the ecstasy she gave him. In her apartment. 3 states away. Before SHE LEFT HIM WITH HER DAUGHTER AFTER FIRST MEETING. But they’ve been playing an online game for months together so it’s cool.

        • We had just taken out a mortgage when he says he’d not been happy for 5 years… Right around the time we got our children. But okayyyy

        • mine was living a double life for the entire 2.5 years I was with him. actually, it was a triple life for the first 6 months with a lady he was with for 5 years. all a while he had a 12 year partner. I also got a lot of head hanging in (fake) shame. said he has mental health issues. said he never lied about wanting to marry me just couldnt split with his long termers bc “it was complicated” (lol). he’s obvsiously so fucked up, poor him. victim victim victim. he’s so selfless he just wanted to give all these women what they wanted (cringe) – including babies (our daughters are a few months apart). the other APs he was involved with for 5 years children are in therapy for their abandonment issues. their step dad just disappeared on them over night. the damage he leaves behind him is unreal. obviosuly he is a straight up sociopath and I thank my lucky stars I only did 2.5 years of time and not 5 or 12 ! what i find incredible is the enabling around these sociopaths. my ex has friends and his family who support him. rally around him bc “he’s suicidal”. they’re all so disordered in my book !

    • “I will not talk about your accusations”

      And that was the end of the conversation. By that time I had proof.

    • That’s exactly what I heard over and over. “I have no idea what you’re talking about”. Ugh, well, then ask for clarification (if you cared to know what I was talking about).

    • I was never told and once I found out, never asked. Why? Because there was no excuse under the sun that would have made sense. He told his “excuses” to everyone else!

  • I’m the one who had to put two and two together after he cut and ran. I kept hearing stories of sightings and finally saw photographs of them out on a date (at 12 am, a good friend of mine saw them arrive at a restaurant where she was waiting outside in her car for takeaway). I asked him about her directly only once and told him I need honesty to even consider moving forward. He said she’s just a friend and colleague. But then he said nothing else. I didn’t even tell his parents about this. Because ultimately you want answers if you want to fix something and I didn’t want to fix it I wanted him to leave me alone forever and stop sucking the life out of me. Also, every time I did ask for closure when he had gone and it was the early days he would just find new ways to hurt me….cruel words, accusations, projections about my inadequacies. Not worth my time.

  • “I didn’t feel loved” – you know, because I had so much time to give to paying his precious ego attention what with raising three young kids, holding down a job AND caring for my dying father….. dick.

    • Yes! Same but six kids from college to baby. I heard that and also “I always loved you and you never loved me, and I thought you wouldn’t care” (no I love being lied to and having my husband screw someone else all day when I think he’s at work and I’m home making dinner and cleaning the house and raising our children.) And God sent her to me like an angel so I could finally feel loved. (She was married also and has three little kids.)

      • Suzy… I think HQ for that delivery service is located a little further south lol (retch).

    • Me too! “didn’t feel loved”. While I was on dialysis! (still am, waiting 7 years for a kidney transplant). The irony: His older brother had a heart transplant when they were in their 20’s. I thought he would understand at least a little what I would go through. NOPE! I was very wrong. Such a shame and a waste. Because He was a wonderful sweet attentive person until I found out about his double life and office ho. Yep nice coping skills. I wish I could secretly date and fuck my co-workers every time things got difficult!

  • We are a flawed and slightly toxic mix. Do you think you need therapy? My friends (er what friends) have been so worried about me you have made me ill. That’s what people do in shit relationships, have affairs.

    Interspersed with…. I still love you and still care about you and want to be a loving mum and dad. Love Never Dies, You Own Cute Flower, Carry it with you. It doesn’t have to be like this unless YOU throw in a grenade.

    Looking back at that now I think step away from the psychopath.

    I am looking forward to reading all your ones about how you didn’t tie your shoelaces right or cooked the wrong type of spaghetti.

    CL is right, it’s all the same nonsense in different packages.

    • “What friends” ha! My Cheater didn’t have friends, he didn’t like any of my friends husbands, because they had nothing in common and he felt like he was better educated. (eye roll).

      Funny, one of his reasons for leaving was that he and I had nothing in common. Right, after 25 years together he wakes up one morning and it occurred to him I have nothing in common with Brit.

      He meets AP in a hotel gym on a treadmill one weekend and he discovers they have something in common they both like SouthPark. South Park cancels out 25 years, a child, family and all that entails.

      • I put this up above, but I too got the “nothing in common anymore,” statement. But he keeps showing up everywhere I go to music events, outdoor events, movies, open space parks, etc. So much NOT in common. [insert eyeroll]

      • The ONLY concession I got before he moved out and I was being blamed for all of the above (not entirely sure I knew about OW yet but was certainly on my way to piecing things together) I was getting sad sausage and I remember being sat in bed listening to his sad sausage misery and I said the word friends and he said ‘I don’t have any friends’. I just looked at him and said ‘And I suppose that’s my fault too is it?’ He said no, and skulked off.

        Oh yeah and of course you have nothing in common, goes without saying doesn’t it. I didn’t ‘see’ him. ‘Do you know what it’s like not to be seen?’ Oh fuck off.

        • Well if you HAD seen him, really seen who he was deep down, his true colours, you’d have probably have left him years earlier! So he may have been half right on that one!?

        • I also got “she sees me and you never have”. Oh and she is also spur of the moment and nurturing and I can talk to her. When they met in a hotel, “you told me to leave for the night so it was fine.” Howorker has no kids, doesn’t own a house and has shit for morals so yeah. Go be “seen”by someone who can lie just like you.

    • Here was mine- “you are too close to your family and too focused on being a mom”. Now I am the shittiest mom on earth. Insert eye roll!

      Agree- Step Away from the Psychopath!

  • You wouldnt fuck another guy another guy for me to watch, and I think she will

    I cheated and it’s like falling off the wagon when you diet. It was hard to not keep cheating.

    You wouldn’t lose weight for me.

    I didn’t get to sleep when I was younger (He did) so I just did it while with you.

    • >>You wouldnt fuck another guy another guy for me to watch, and I think she will

      **Whirring blender noise**
      Gross. Horrid.

    • This was mine as well. New wife absolutely swings with him and participates in ‘open marriage’.

  • “It’s just that we have such different beliefs. Like, you won’t let me get a gun for the house.”

    I mean, what-the-actual-fuck?!

  • Dday1, ex told me he thought I’d be happy about the 18m affair in my own home with AP because she was my friend, and we got along so great. So “I should be happy it was her and not a stranger” 🤔 DDay2 just denied everything despite proof.

    • 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️ yep. Same kind of sentiment here, Whipped. Also 18 months. All conducted in our home and holiday home, with my childhood ‘friend.’ It caused such trauma and taint around meanings of home (safety, haven, love…) that some years later, I wrote my Masters thesis on the effects, emotions, identity and affect on home of intimate relationship challenge.

      Fuckers.

      Literal homewreckers.

  • “It was just sex!” (And $30,000. But who is counting?)
    “I’ll move into the guest room, you can have the master bedroom and we will continue living together doing our own thing. For the kids’ sake.” (Apparently, that’s what we’ve been doing, without the formal arrangement. No thanks.)
    “Let’s renew our vows!” (Why? You didn’t keep them the first time, I’m supposed to assume this time is different?)

    • >>“Let’s renew our vows!”

      If you can’t live up to the spirit, then double down on the letter of the law. He has no idea about to be a good marriage partner, but extra words about marriage will fill the gap. **Whirring blender sounds**

    • Him: “what’s the difference if one teeny tiny part of my penis touches one teeny tiny part of her vagina? I wish you were more like me and didn’t feel jealous about these things. Why don’t you have sex with other people too? I won’t mind. That way, I won’t have to move out and the kids won’t have to go back and forth between two houses.”

      My response: “what do I get out of this?” (note that I was the primary breadwinner the entire 12 years of our marriage).

      Him:

      Me: “what do you get out of all this?”

      Him: “All the things!”

      I am still floored that this is the man who I picked to marry and father my two children. How could I have been so chumped? Thank goodness I found Chump Lady by that time, and I refused to eat the rest of the shit sandwich he was offering.

  • Because I was grieving the death of your 15 year old son and my talking to other women was just a poor coping skill. I believed it too. For about a week until I found out he’d been doing it for a long time since before my son died.

    He’d be 17 today.

    • I’m so sorry and I’m disgusted on your behalf that someone would use grief as a justification. I cannot imagine what that’s like.
      Big hugs from afar.

      • They do that.
        When I started figuring out the shitty situation- he yelled at me for interfering with his own demons. The secret email account was For “ connecting” with his deceased father…. he was writing in order to deal with his pain.
        He made me feel so guilty and horrible…. his tears, almost broken heart due to my “ imaginary accusations “ – the whole show.
        I think that was one of the most fucked up encounters ever.

    • I am sorry for your loss. I am also sorry that your X used your son’s death as cover for his infidelity. I am sorry your grief was not honored and respected.

      I hope you have found some measure of comfort, and that you have loving friends and family to support you. I wish you peace as you try to process the greatest loss that a person can experience. I am rooting for you.

    • ((((Hugs))))

      Birthdays are hard. I lost a son too. I hope you have a peaceful and kind to yourself way to mark the day. Do you have other children?

    • Oh my word, that he would *exploit* the death of his own son…??? Just speechless !!!
      I am so, so, sorry that you went through all this… I hug you tight!!!

    • I am so sorry for you. No one should have to go through such grief with such a despicable fuckhead.

      • Wow. I’m so sorry for the loss of your beloved son. A big hug to you and his beautiful spirit. You are so fortunate to be able to feel that deep connection and grief. I wish you great love and joy, in between all the tragedies in life that overwhelm and suck.

        I had an acquaintance tell me all the horrible things her ex-husband cheater did to her and her son before and after they split. Then she said she understands why he did it: she had a miscarriage and he just wasn’t as strong as her and could not cope.

        Yeah, before Chump Lady, I might have believed that malarkey too.

    • ChumpedCory… my heart breaks for you — I’m so sorry for the loss of your precious son 😭😭😭😭

    • I hate this person. fuck that guy.
      I am giving you everything good I have and I am so very sorry for the loss of your son.

    • I’ve very sorry for your loss. I’m glad the dick is no longer in your life. You don’t need that on top of everything else.

    • That is the lowest, most spine chilling, mortifying, sociopathic thing I’ve ever heard. For someone to dump lying blame on a person in grief and try to cut them off from genuine support is inconceivable. He missed his calling as a death squad commander or medieval torturer.
      I’m so sorry for your loss and for the torment that was heaped on it. I wish him ill but I wish you every blessing in the world.

      • I got that also I agree- disgusting jerk. I’m so sorry. No one should have to go through what you have.

        • That’s battering mentality in a nutshell: “reduction of self punishment” via “altering character of victim.” It’s violence without the tangible and undeniable evidence of welts, bruises and broken bones.

          That kind of mad hunt for any kind of excuse, no matter how absurd or perverse, proves he couldn’t find even a scrap of evidence of wrongdoing over the course of an entire marriage. Most of us have SOME actual flaws that could be jujitsu’ed into blame reversal with a bit of gymnastic logic, gross exaggeration and context-ectomy. But ChumpCory should probably be canonized by the pope as an infallible being.

    • ChumpedCory – man, that is the worst. Evoking your son in his defense is really a lack of character and integrity. Hugs.

      • Sending you great big hugs today. As a mom who also lost my youngest son at fourteen, birthdays and anniversaries suck the most. Please be gentle with your self today, and know you are in my prayers.

        • I’m in that very special chump + dead child club too.

          She’s be 20 next week, killed by a unsecured falling soccer goalpost when she was three.

          So I got:
          “It had been three years since our daughter died, there was no connection between us and I felt I had no choice.”

          That was three years that had begun with watching her die (it hit me too actually, minor head wound), a coronial inquest, two more babies, a public awareness campaign and lobbying relevant govt departments so it wouldn’t happen again (turns out it wasn’t a “freak” accident and other kids had died or been injured).

          So he began what became over 10 years of gay clubs and straight hookers and lots of porn when youngest was a few months old.

          Oh and just one more line from him (there really are too many):
          “I know you won’t understand, but my body just needed it. I’m a fundamentally honest man, I only lied to one person, and it was only about my activities in the sexual realm, and they were only lies of omission.”

          Now he’s merrily with a woman who used to be my close friend – in her dead husband’s bed less than a year after Dday. Because of course she understands him!! So long suckers. Ha! Loving my life now – meh is truly wonderful.

            • Ginger
              Gosh I’m sorry to smash your illusions, and I guess u read it more than once bc you also have been through loss and grief. I’m sorry also for your loss.

              Yep, he started fucking strange before that book was published. So there’s me being loving supporting wifey by his side on Kerrie Anne Kennelly, compass, good weekend, women’s weekly etc and he was feeling so pleased with himself – I was fantastic cake!

              Can I ask you, did it ever strike you in reading it that he was self-absorbed? He was turned down by some publishers because the original manuscript was ALL about him – the one who did take it made him add stuff about me and our son. And take out some particularly nasty stuff about me.

              • Absolutely it did-it was about him, everything else was secondary. My son died several years before:there were very few resources available at the time, but I used to watch the wiggles with my new baby and just cry. Bear Is Now Asleep struck a chord with me. My son’s father just ghosted me, so I moved to NZ and started again. Had a surprise baby at 42🤣🤣🤣

                At no time did I feel sorry for your husband. He was clearly a narcissist (although I couldn’t have named him as that at the time)
                We are warrior women and our children would be so proud of us❤️

                Take care.

              • Ugggh, I just listened to his 2007 Life Matters interview. What a diabolical mindfucker. Have you thought about writing your own book?

            • Ginger you take care too.

              So sorry that you lost your son – a few of us here in chump nation who have really been through the wringer.

          • Mamameh…

            I was so happy to read your last line but so sickened by the betrayal you endured. The joy you get from life now has been EARNED.

    • you need to run so fast away from this man. he is dangerous. using grief as a get out of jail card and it being a lie is the lowest of the low. I’m so sorry for your loss. power to you and a big hug <3

    • I’m so sorry. That’s terrible. All of it.

      My cheater lost two brothers to suicide years ago. In explaining how he fell for this coworker, he told me that she remembered the anniversary of one of his brother’s deaths, and I didn’t. She said to him, “This must be a hard day for you.” And with that, he fell into her arms.

      For a couple weeks, I felt so guilty that I’d forgotten the anniversary. So entranced was I in this 35-year marriage that I actually did blame myself. Then I read Leave a Cheater; Gain a Life and screwed my head back on straight.

      Using a loved-one’s death to justify infidelity is sickening.

      • I doubt she spontaneously “remembered” the anniversary. More likely he was using his brother’s death all along as a sad sausage ploy leading up to the date itself, saying all the emotional things he wasn’t saying to you.

        Using a brother’s death as a prong– FOG the faithful spouse and hand the rescuer cover rationale to a poacher.

        I suspect it was him who felt too little about his brother. Heinous.

        • Wow, insightful. They do love the victim role, don’t they? Especially if it gets them an AP.

    • tears are streaming down my face right now….

      He is absolutely a monster. I am so sorry for your loss…

    • ChumpedCory, I would like to join in the big hug CN is giving you today ❤️ Love to you and the spirit of your beautiful son!

    • I am so sad and sorry to hear you lost your beloved son ChumpedCory and that the poor excuse of a husband was no support to you. Sending you love and hugs

  • We never got drunk together
    You don’t like violence on TV
    You get stressed before holidays
    The best ones are always true!
    What can I say, guilty as charged!

    • >>You get stressed before holidays

      **Whirring blender sounds**. That one particularly stumps me. WTH?

      • Yes, holidays were very stressful for me when I was married to him. Doing all the work by myself to make the holidays a lovely and memorable experience was utterly exhausting. I can actually enjoy them now.

        • Totally! I remember our last Thanksgiving together and how stressed out I was. He was working out of town so it was up to me to clean and get house ready for his arriving family. I begged that we just go eat Thanksgiving dinner at a restaurant- because our fridge had quit that week! He acted like this was such a stupid request and his family didn’t drive 7 hours to eat at a restaurant. But yet it was me who had to run to the grocery store on Thanksgiving because his dad didn’t like my pie choice, so I had to get another pie just for him. Glad to be rid of him & his family!

    • Is that ‘You get stressed before holidays because you are packing for yourself, possibly me, definitely the kids, making sure the bin is empty, the house is secure, someone is looking after the pets, printing out the boarding passes, shopping for toiletries, making sure the kids have something to do on the plane/in the car, ensuring the whole family has travel insurance (insert one million other jobs here). After you’ve probably booked and planned the whole thing anyway.

      I remember as a kid when we’d go away my dad would be ‘ready to go’ and my mum would be doing these zillion things and he would start getting really impatient with her, I used to be furious with him then, I thought what a flaming cheek.

  • “You’re so strong and independent, I didn’t think you needed all of me.”

    “With him it’s like life on easy mode” (she was into video games at the time and like to play with all the “cheats” turned on.

    [vomit]

    • Also, “I never had sex with him and you on the same day.” (Who cares and she was surely lying)

      • nomar…wow..just..wow! They never cease to amaze . Like that’s some sort of conciliation prize ? !

            • Erm, the communicability of STDs endures past 24 hours.

              What I heard is that he didn’t “see any infectiois lesions” on her hooha.

              It’s like cheaters exist in an alternate universe where not just ethics but even cellular science adheres to different laws.

              • My h Knew that the hookers were clean and healthy
                How did you know? Have u seen their ( too many to count) health record?
                I just knew
                The guy has a PhD and two Masters.
                🤮

              • Adelante… Did he shine a flashlight up there and take swabs every time?

                Ew.

        • My ex told me this on dday1. That should have been a red flag to the narcissism. I betrayed your trust and humiliated you but look i didn’t even get off so we can feel bad for each other. Look at me. Fucking bitch. 2nd DDay i was simply told after 1 child and 2 months shy of 9 years. You don’t deserve anything from me. I don’t have to tell you anything. Nothing but cold after that, except for the occasional front of friendliness and civility. CN taught me that its ok to not be friends with someone who betrays and abuses you. To this day she has never said sorry or given any explanation moved in with her AP and they are still going strong 2 years later. I wonder if i will ever taste anything again that doesn’t have a hint of rage or sorrow on it.

          • The cold shoulder really, really hurts. I felt so worthless. I didn’t feel that I had any value whatsoever. I wanted to die. Now I know without a doubt that it was never me and I just laugh when one of my sons tells me the stuff that the dick-ex is going through. I don’t have rage or sorrow anymore. I feel so much peace that I’m no longer dealing with any of the crap/gaslighting that he put me through. I may not be the smartest cookie out there (it took me an additional 4 years to get rid of the dick), but I’m at peace. You will understand some day that it’s not in their psyche to apologize, and even if they did, it wouldn’t be an apology. They justify their behavior. But you will find peace someday as well.

            • I appreciate that. I know logically that in time i will let go. Somedays i even find that she doesn’t preoccupy the entire day in my thoughts. I envy those who got the games or even the opportunity of pick me dancing. Pretty sure i wouldn’t have gone there when i found the AP getting dressed in bedroom just shook his hand and said I’m her husband. All i wanted was answers from her. I know now from reading here that no answer that her or anyone can give will make that hurt stop but it would feel nice not crave some form of validation from her that i am a good man or at least was a decent husband.

              • Oh my gosh!! How you didn’t flat out punch the SOB and backhand your ex is beyond me! I thank God now that I didn’t have my gun back then. I swear I probably would have shot them both. You’re one heck of a great man. I’ll validate you. You didn’t cheat. When you made your vows they were for life. The saying that got me through a lot of my angst (and that I stuck on my bathroom mirror) is, “Just because someone else doesn’t value you does not mean you have no worth.” You have worth. Fuckwits will never ever value a person for who (s)he is. They only value what you bring to them. When that’s not of enough value, they go with someone that they think can bring them something of higher value. The problem is them. Deep down. It’s who they really are and they can’t change…, no matter what counselor is available to try to make them see differently. You won because you don’t have to spend the rest of your life with a fuckwit. Now you learned the hard way, don’t seek validation from anyone else. Recognize your worth and that it doesn’t depend on anyone else to validate it.

  • I’ve told this before but here goes…

    “I’ll be with you three or four days a week. I’ll mow the lawn, do the taxes and hang out with you guys (his family) for a bit. Then I’ll go to hers for a few days.”

    Then there was,

    “Well, YOU didn’t want to have sex the way I wanted it because when I tried it with you, you said you felt raped! So it’s all your fault. I have a lot of women who love what I do to them. I’m really good at it. You just don’t get it.”

    Yes, it’s true. And yes… I have a good therapist! And yes-it’s abuse. And yes, I’m safe (now).

    Stay mighty.

    • “I *have* a lot of women who love what I *do to them*”

      Damn, I am glad he is your ex. And that you are ok, now.

      Jeebus.

      • Agreed. I shuddered deep down into my bones when I read this one.

        Am so glad you are safe.

  • All I got was

    Remember the night you went to the cinema – well that broke me . That was the night we ramped it up .

    • 😳😳😳😳😳

      How dare you go to the movies and ramping up his libido for extra marital sex. Of course it’s your fault!!!/s

      I think this tops the list for LAMEST EXCUSE EVER!!

      🙄🙄🙄🙄🙄

  • “I try so hard to be here and present for you and the kids… I needed something that is just for me.”

    I’m sure the UBT would have a wonderful response here, all I have is… Whatever dude.

    • He should have taken up bowling like these other husbands of the chumps here. Oh wait! Not bowling with them makes you get cheated on as well. Idiots!

  • “My dad died when he was too young and never got to enjoy his life. So I think that’s why I am impulsive about what’s in front of me” (Insert barf emoji)

    After DDAY1…“You gave me mixed signals if you wanted to be with me or not!”

    • Yes, poor thing. A vow to forsake all others, to cherish you until death is so very ambiguous.
      He must have been so confused on your wedding day. The church, the fancy clothes, friends and family dressed in their Sunday best, photography, cake, toasts…
      “Does this mean she wants me? I can’t tell.”
      Shame on you for sending such mixed signals.
      /sarcasm

  • Also- the old “we didn’t speak the same love language!” (His was sex. Every day.)

    • Oh my goodness! I also got “It is only a problem, if you make it a problem.” There you go, Chump Nation! The ultimate blameshift!

      • “The problem isn’t the problem, talking about the problem is the problem”–the old saw favored by cheaters and censoring dictatorial political regimes throughout history!

        • Dday#1 – “I hate your mother.” (She died 10 days later).

          Dday#2 – two years to the day after dday #1 when confronted with his ‘excuse’ this time: “I dont know. Bored I guess.”

          Good riddance MF!

          • My mother-in-law is a genuinely awful person and yes things can get a bit routine after years and years of marriage but this somehow never drove me to have unprotected sex with a coworker.

            I’ve had plenty of opportunities, far more than he ever has and with much more appealing candidates. Sometimes in retrospect and in light of being betrayed, I wonder what would have happened if I’d gone for it but about two seconds into the head film I can see exactly how that crap turns out. Nope. Not an overlapper.

            I honestly don’t get the appeal at all. Prospective poachers, even if attractive (mine were on the surface, his were really marginal), are deep down just skeavy and disgusting.

  • “I thought it was cool to get paid to f*ck on the clock (he was sleeping with his coworker during work hours).

    “I was forced to leave our family because you wouldn’t let me leave for three years to have fun. I promised I would come back after three years”.
    (I was working and raising three kids at the time 12 year old daughter and 10 year old twins)

    • This one makes me a bit queasy in my tummy. Leave for three years? And come back? Like you’d want him back? And your kids in that tender time of their life?

      Mine said that he didn’t want to be living like this for the next five years. Kept mentioning he only had five years left and he didn’t want to live it like this. And that I liked old people stuff. And that he had a breakdown and realized he didn’t want to spend five more years with me. I asked him if he had cancer and just wasn’t telling me. Nope. Just selfish.

      • Wondering if that “5 years” was the time in which he could take a high dose of Viagra without going blind? Maybe “five years” was the expiry date his dick which, for a dick-thinking individual, equates to life itself.

      • Yeah me watching an episode of Golden Girls on a lazy Saturday afternoon, earned me a snarl from the then that I was such an old lady. Also he couldn’t understand why I liked Fig Newton cookies bc those cookies are just for old people. Whatever they’re good and remind me of my deceased grandfather. I’d rather eat Fig Newtons and watch Golden Girls vs. drinking every weekend and only caring about Facebook friends & fantasy football.

  • Apart from the fact I stacked the dishwasher all wrong, he thought I would be happy for him. The other one was “but that’s not who I am”! Kudda fooled me dude! Strikes me that’s EXACTLY who you are!

    • I thought I was the only who was supposed to be happy for my dumb ass ex. After he announced he was leaving for ho-worker honestly said this: ” If you and the kids love me you will be happy for me – I have finally found happiness”. 20 years, 3 kids and it took a whore who dumped him after both divorces were final to find happiness and now he wonders why none of us will speak to him…..

      • And mine wanted me to be happy AND said we should feel bad for him because he had to leave the family home and it was hard for him to have to set up a new apartment for himself. Boohoo 😢. He still rubs it in even though he lives in a luxury apartment decorated by his girlfriend – it’s more expensive than our mortgage and that makes him upset. 🙄

      • 🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️🤦‍♀️ yep. Same kind of sentiment here, Whipped. Also 18 months. All conducted in our home and holiday home, with my childhood ‘friend.’ It caused such trauma and taint around meanings of home (safety, haven, love…) that some years later, I wrote my Masters thesis on the effects, emotions, identity and affect on home of intimate relationship challenge.

        Fuckers.

        Literal homewreckers.

      • Oh yeah. He drove off to his new life, with the whore, leaving me to clean the house, carpets, etc on my own. Kissed me deeply and said “one day we will find our way back to each other.” And, “hope you can be happy for me.”

        Fucktard. Cockwombling flaming arsehole.

    • Because if you have a soul and you try to stick your dick into another woman that’s not your wife it makes you nauseous and want to vomit. These are not normal people, they are broken and only manifest that brokenness into their lives by projecting their fuckedupness on to all those around them.

  • “ I tried to stop, but I couldn’t “
    Also, “I thought that after I retired I could put this all behind me.”

    Three and a half years since DDay.
    Divorce court in 18 days. We have 5 days scheduled.
    Every cheater behavior described on this site has happened x10.

    He wrote a full page of excuses. My favorite. “You stopped having dinner with me.”

  • “You stopped making effort – you haven’t done your make up and hair for weeks, you don’t wear sexy lingerie, you put weight on. Shes attractive and fun”

    Thanks dickhead – I had 3 kids in 3 years because you wanted to just try again hoping you’d get a boy but ever so sorry I gained a few, stopped worrying about make up, rocked a mum bun and popped on the first bra I grabbed without thinking about you and your needs.

    • The amount of “men” who walk away from women while they are pregnant or raising small children is sickening.

      I hope my son never does it to a partner and I hope my daughter never has to go through what I went through. This is why I’m leaving.

      • Mine left the day after my son had eye surgery at 10 months old. He had been in the hospital almost his entire life by that point with oxygen issues. We even found him unresponsive in his crib once. The alarm went off alerting us. He left after this. Left me to deal with it all and to top it off, I found out I was pregnant. What a dumpster fire.

    • He was cheating on me while I was pregnant with our fifth baby, and left completely when she was a few weeks old (the others were ages 8/6/4/2 years old). When I asked, wailing, “WHY???” his response was “I was really hurt and didn’t know how to express it.” ????????

  • My ex said,
    You had a stillborn
    She lets me drink
    She’s always happy (stoned and pissed)
    She doesn’t want her kids
    Its like a Shakespeare tragedy.
    he’s incapable of the truth, chump lady is right.
    She got pregnant according to fuckwit, shame about the sti then.
    Apparently he sleeps at night, lack if brain cells I guess.

  • He was always the victim, of course and the excuses where endless. One of his best he blurted out one night while we were taking a walk. I remember his shaky voice and deep felt pain as he said “You don’t fold my underwear correctly….and you said you never will!”

    ‘Tis true, I refused to fold his underwear. After 20 years of constant critique I finally realized I could not live up to his expectations, whether folding his undies, or stacking the dishwasher to his standards. I gave up to give me peace. That’s why he went on a week long cruise with another women? Had to laugh at that one.

    • What is it with the folded undies??! Mine told me early in our marriage that “When you don’t fold my underwear, I feel like you don’t love me” THAT is when I should have run.

      • That’s the kind that want to crawl back into the womb and be taken care of with nary a thought of taking care of themselves. Adult responsibilities? Pffft. All they want are adult pleasures.

      • CBHN- anything to find fault so they can excuse their bad behavior. Folding clothes, stacking dishes, the stupidest things they whine about because they can’t find anything else. We do everything they ask to try to make them happy, if all they can find fault with is folding clothes, then I think we were doing a great job and they decided to be unhappy.

        • because that’s how you show love, folding clothes and making sandwiches, not by being honest and committed like you promised. I never vowed to fold his clothes correctly. lol.

          • My first concrete hint of an affair beyond just my gut feeling was how much of a slob he had suddenly become.

            It turned out that, among other gymnastic efforts to get him to displace his family, the AP (adulterous poacher) basically followed him around her apartment with a dustpan and broom when he’d make booty calls, even offering to come to our house and clean it when I was out of town with the kids visiting family.

            Meanwhile because I wanted our sons to be married only once and not kicked to the curb for slobbishness (actually one of the surprising leading reasons women divorce men), all our kids have been trained from infancy to make their own beds, clean their own messes, fold their own clothes, wash dishes, water plants, etc. They will eventually learn to cook and everything else.

            I had to be a stay-at-home mother for many years because of one of our son’s serious health issues. Despite the fact it was the hardest job I’ve ever had, I have no regrets. But I was damned if I was going to raise children who couldn’t adult just because mom was around and I wasn’t about to let dad be a disastrous role model. Everyone picks up their own pocket clutter. The end.

            In retrospect I thought the AP’s desperate 1950s housewife audition was a bit comical. Also pretty political and sad. Until I lost interest in the idea, I used to imagine that, if she ever confronted me, I would scoff and say only one thing: “You actually cleaned the pee around the toilet??”

    • Wiener wiener chicken dinner …. pun intended! Great nation, we have a winner! Chumpedtothemax! 🎉🎉🎊🎊🎈🎈

  • “I loved you too much for too long, and all the love just got used up”.

    I mentally refer to this as the peak oil theory of relationships.

      • I can’t stop laughing. You made my face hurt. Now I must betray you because you made me laugh too much and used up all my laughter.

  • “You didn’t put enough money away for retirement” “We got married too young” among other bullshit. But my favorite line was/is. “You were never supposed to find out”. Well, he wasn’t very smart, so I did find out. In fact, after finding out. I told EVERYONE. Especially the grown children.

  • Today I found out my husband started cheating on my very shortly after I was diagnosed with cancer. Though he did have some “indiscretions” prior to that which he never fully admitted. So I asked him if he has been doing this the whole time we were dating too. His reply “I don’t remember having sex with any other women before we got married” as if that was supposed to help me feel better. To which I replied “So then it was only after you took a vow to forsake all others that you decided to do this?!?!”

    • The tough times are what usually flush out the weak. They don’t have the backbone to be of any support at all.

      How are you now? How long has it been since your diagnosis? Are you still treating?

    • I am so sorry to hear that. What a low-life good for nothing creep. I hope that you are free and clear and soon living your best life.

  • I got your basic excuses…”I haven’t been happy for a long time” (I had no idea of course), “I don’t believe in monogamy” (news to me as we had only been married for a year at that point, together for 8), “I want an open relationship”..blah blah blah.

    But the real kicker was when he told me that I didn’t love him unconditionally because I wanted him to only be with me and that we didn’t own each other. Just. Wow.

    • Omg Fresh Batch!

      Word. For. Word.

      Wait, are (were?) we ACTUALLY married to the same man?!

      “I divorced you in my mind 10 years ago.” (Really? News to me. Also: your acting is EXCELLENT.)
      “I’ve been suffering for 21 years, trying to force myself to be monogamous, when I’m actually polyamorous.” (Interesting how he didn’t think of this until he started having an affair 18 months ago 🤔)
      “I don’t want the label of ‘husband’ anymore. Then I just feel like the ‘cheating husband’. We don’t own each other. You just be you and I’ll just be me, and when we come together we can be two separate people together.”
      “All I want is to be accepted for who I really am. I’m not going to hide it any more.” (Read: If you don’t accept my cheating ways as me just expressing my ‘non-monogamous nature’, then you don’t love me.”

      Please give me hope and tell you that you managed to extract yourself from his toxicity? I am still stuck here with all of this and can’t figure out how on earth to get out. 😢

  • She said when she saw how small his penis was, she thought it wasn’t such a big deal. I wouldn’t care because it was so small.

    No explanation then though why she kept it a secret of course.

    • The tough times are what usually flush out the weak. They don’t have the backbone to be of any support at all.

      How are you now? How long has it been since your diagnosis? Are you still treating?

      • Dang!!! Sorry for the double post! Weird placement.

        But…. the AP had a small penis…. oh…. what a relief!!! No need to tell the hubs about the OMs small dick. Maybe it’s limp too, but that would be saying too much….

        Wow. What a vapid and shallow dumb cow.

    • Looking up, just got to tell you that last week I found out my now ex was cheating on me. Unfortunately I’ve been through this before. My parting words to him were” every time I eat a baby carrot I will think of you” lol his face went white and asked me later “does his dick really look like a baby carrot?”. I kept my sanity and humor alive even though this hurt me so…. trust and believe they truly suck! Xo sweet

      • “Every time I eat a baby carrot I will think of you”

        Hahaha! I am crying/laughing at this!! 😂😂😂

    • This takes the cake!!! I can’t stop laughing!!! I hope that doesn’t offend you. How ridiculous!!!

  • The short list of blame shifting in no particular order:

    You never had sex with anyone else. Did you want to try it with someone else now?🤮

    Do you want to try swinging?🤢🤮

    Those aren’t my pornography magazines (under my side of the mattress).

    Do you want to tape us having sex?😵

    I did not give you an STI. We are very careful when we have sex. I don’t know why you got vaginal trichomoniasis. (I do!)😷

    I didn’t think they would bill my credit card for those calls (1.900.xxx.xxxx) ummm right!! You really think you’re talking to a girl too??? It could be a guy!! 😝

    I wasn’t trying to hide it. (Even though I did email her separately and deleted it from the sent email file. Sent OW announcements of special family events. OW even responded back! It was however in the deleted email file.) Marriage police special operations detective unit found the evidence. 🤥

    I had a revenge affair. (Even though you didn’t have an affair. It just was my excuse. It made me feel better about cheating and not telling you.)🥴

    I could keep going……….

  • Not so much a cheating excuse ….. but if she wasn’t cheating (and she denied cheating despite a mountain of evidence) then why come out with this this?

    “I did think about suggesting that we stay together for appearances’ sake and for the sake of the children, but that we agree to an open marriage and that we see other people; but you are just not emotionally mature enough to make a relationship like that work, so we will have to get divorced.”

    • How patronising. I’m aghast that people think this, equating putting up with sharing the one you love with emotional maturity. I could never be poly…

    • “…that we agree to an open marriage and that we see other people; but you are just not emotionally mature enough to make a relationship like that work.”

      I’m sure cheater was just the glowing example of emotional maturity by cheating on you, lying about it, exposing you to STIs, gaslighting you, and blame shifting you….

      • Marissachump,

        You missed the bit where she maturely trashed our finances, maturely stole from myself and our children, maturely drove our son to the point of self harm and maturely drove our youngest daughter to the point that she needed a year’s worth of therapy ….. and maturely did a million other unpleasant things that she lies about to this day.

        We’re now divorced. She’s shacked up with her AP maturely drinking themselves to oblivion and maturely burning through her side of divorce settlement – as is her right.

        The kids and I couldn’t be happier that she’s gone – as is our right – and I’m pretty sure that my emotional maturity is (and always was) just fine.

    • Ethical polyamorists would gasp in horror.

      I’m not a polyamorist but I know several who practice radical transparency. This would not fly.

  • “If it had been a two-week affair or two years [it was 2 1/2], you never would have forgiven me.”

    So my inability to forgive was the real problem.🙄

    • Bingo!
      I got this one too.
      I was at fault because she knew I would never forgive her and always bring it up. I think there was a movie about this. People arrested for crimes they might commit in the future.

    • Well I forgave (tolerated abuse), reconciled and after I divorced the serial cheater my adult daughter stated that I never forgave him for cheating. I guess that’s the latest narrative.

    • Yep now Ex stating after his cheating confession “we’ll never get past this.” Just another part of the blame game, I’m so awful and unforgiving why even bother trying to salvage the marriage.

  • “I’m finally taking ownership of my sexuality.”

    As if, after 15 years of making my needs smaller and smaller to accommodate her, I ever had any ‘ownership’ of our sex life.

    “I’m finally becoming the person I was always meant to be.”

    Unbeknowst to her: her sense of entitlement guarantees that she was, and remains today, EXACTLY the person she was always meant to be

  • He never admitted to anything. He always insisted he was playing football, working extra hours, etc.

    All I got was: “You need to find some hobbies.”

    • Lulu,
      ex also wouldn’t admit to anything, the first time I confronted him ex said I had a vivid imagination and needed to “find a some hobbies”.

      When he left he said, “we had nothing in common.” Together 25 years, married for 20.
      He meets a woman on a treadmill in a hotel gym they have a conversation and he finds out she likes the cartoon South Park just like him. She likes to watch South Park and I don’t.

  • I still shake my head over what my ex said about OW.

    I asked him, “Why her?” His response, “She does what I tell her to.”

    My response, “She’s an employee! She’s supposed to do what you tell her to!”

    Controlling much?

  • “Our marriage is great. The affair makes it even better.” (For him – cake eater dick).

    So glad I divorced him! My walls are singing ❤️

  • These paragraphs were written by me, in my diary, as though spoken by the cheater. Starting with one of the most common. The description in the parentheses are my understanding of cheater thinking.

    I love you but I’m not in love with you.
    (Ever since i gave myself permission to lust after and then fuck my old girlfriend from 50 years ago. Such a coincidence! What? You think I should have put some love and effort into the marriage? What do you mean? I don’t understand.)

    We grew apart.
    (Sure we did. We grew apart after 32 years of marriage because I detached from you to justify pursuing the fuck woman. I treated you with such distain and contempt that you feebly tried to defend yourself, and then I could tell the whore that you were crazy, that we had ‘drifted apart.’)

    I’ve been unhappy for 10 years. I’ve wanted to leave you for years.
    (Since that old gf slut started emailing me and slathering me with praise, and we decided to meet for coffee and then lunch, I’ve come to see how bad my life with you is! Such a crappy existence, having fun with friends and family, travelling, golfing, skiing, hiking. I never realized how rotten it all was until the whore got my dick to rise up! (But only for a short time) She smiles at me all the time and agrees with me all the time. We have so much in common from the 1970’s! We are so perfect together! We should never have broken up 45 years ago, even though we fought all the time and had totally different goals!)

    She is my soul mate.
    (She is always happy to see me (like a dog) and is content seeing me for a two hour visit or fuck once a week or every two weeks as long as i message her a couple of times a day. I love how my wife is completely duped and I can send messages to my fuck mate while my wife and I watch tv together in the evening! Also it’s so great how my wife makes arrangements for dinners and outings on the weekends and I can pretend what a great family man I am!) (Whore, shut up! I’m busy on the weekends and can’t see you! I’m really trying to leave my wife but it’s so hard! I’m working on it!)

    We have nothing in common anymore.
    (You like shopping and i don’t. I like violent/action movies and you don’t. Those are the two main reasons I am leaving you…when it’s convenient for me to do so. Also you tidy the house before we have visitors. It’s criminal!
    Our 4 children, our many family holidays and gatherings, our travels together, our home, our friends… our skiing, hiking, golf, books….all non existent. Conveniently vanished from memory, or at least dimly remembered but who cares!)

    You would like the OW if you met her. She’s a good person.
    (She’s just like you except she’s had 3 husbands already plus a live in abusive boyfriend when her three girls were young. I would be the fifth or sixth partner but again, who cares if she’s cheating on her current husband. She says he’s boring!! She loves me now and I am so special!. I know you would get along so well.)

    We are two good people on different paths.
    (The cheating, lying, abusive path, vs the loyal spouse for 32 years path. I really am good, really. I’m good at lying now. I’m very good at deception and leading a double life. No one knows except the whore! She’s cheating on her husband too! How great is that! I am incredible! More than that, I am actually fabulous!!)

    I need to be happy and you will not be happy if i am unhappy the whole time.
    (I will treat you as though i hate you and have utter contempt for you until you kick me out and i can totally blame you for the marriage breakdown. Because you are too stupid and will never find out that I am cheating on you and have been for years. My plan is to produce the whore just after we separate as though we had just met! No one will guess I have been cheating! I am actually brilliant,)

    I hope you don’t spend too much on lawyers.
    (I see you bent over in anguish, crying because of the shock and trauma of my sudden and vicious betrayal of you, but all I really care about is how much of my money you spend. I’ve listed our assets and don’t want to have to redo the balance sheet to reflect expensive lawyers. Besides that, I want you to just roll over and let me have my fuck toy and playmate! Don’t irritate me with long drawn out divorce proceedings!)

    The children will all get over it in time.
    (It’s all about me, me, Me! The 4 adult children don’t matter as long as I am happy with the whore. I am pretty sure they will come to see how fabulous she is even though their Mom has broken down completely. The whore tells me the kids will be fine in a couple of weeks and I believe her.)

    I feel nothing for you.
    (I will just pack a few of these clothes you washed and folded, (btw, thanks for lunch) rush off to fuck the whore in a hotel for a couple of hours and I should be back in time for dinner. What are we having? People are coming over? I’ll pick up some wine on the way home!)

    We are two good people on different paths.
    (On one hand I have a faithful wife, drudging away at her wifely duties, including always staying in touch with the kids, staying in touch with my family because I can’t be bothered to, and making social arrangements, looking after the household, believing in the integrity of and trusting me, her husband. On the other hand I am a cheating, lying fuckwit who does nothing around the house, who goes to work and visits the whore on the way there or on the way back. Who also visits the whore, for example, when my wife volunteers in the community, spends the day with friends, when she waits at home for me on our anniversary (extra thrilling to me), and that is just the tip of the iceberg. I am Mr. Fabulous for getting away with it for so long!)

    • Ironwood,

      This is so well written. I also think I should do this same kind of writing exercise in my journal. Here are some thoughts on what you wrote:

      1. Your cheater TRULY sucks. So does mine. Heck, they all do.

      2. I could have written so much of this. Same guy. I swear. Some minor differences: Mine was a 35-year marriage. They slept in our bed (hotels, too) but the marital bed was thrilling, I’m sure, plus an at-home roll in the hay saved him some $$.

      3. He never said he felt nothing for me. He said he still loved me. I think your cheater was probably less of a coward. The bar is low here.

      4. The adult children delusional thinking applies to my STBX, too. His AP cheated on her spouse and divorced a year after she and my STBX started the affair (on my STBX’s birthday!!! What a present!). Her kids (still in late teens) never left her, so I guess she convinced my STBX that his well-into-adulthood children would forgive him. Faulty logic. They haven’t. It’s been 8 months. Years of emotional abuse isn’t easily forgiven. Plus, he’s a pathological liar. (Note: I also wonder what his therapist told him. I have a hunch he never shared that he was an emotionally abusive SOB, so the therapist, too, probably thought that the kids would come around after a few months of putting him in the dog house. Surely, in time, the kids would excitedly want to meet this new woman who made their daddy SO happy.

      5. My STBX is a doc (now retired) and she’s a much-younger nurse. He said that they “bonded over taking care of sick patients.” Oh, and she said she “got wet” whenever she saw his car in his parking place. But but it was all about the sick patients. Really.

      6. Oh, and he was worried about my legal fees. He got a cheap lawyer. I didn’t. Did I say he isn’t that smart?

      • Miss Nurse is definitely after him for the money. I know someone that had it in her head she was going to marry a rich doctor one day. She did, he’s 18 years older. She pursued him with everything she had, but at least they were both single.

      • Writing has been my saviour. On a scale of 1 to 10, being cheated on when you are totally unaware and trust someone implicitly has got to be about 100. Way off the scale.

        The absolute worst was the FWit telling me that the reason he didn’t think of himself as a cheater (3 years of hiding his relationship) was that his mother told him that he was responsible for his own happiness. It followed, in his mind, that planning to abandon his family and run off with his ‘soulmate’ was just being responsible for his happiness. His mother was a kind, morally sound woman who would never in a million years condone cheating. However, she did raise a very entitled and self centred son.

        Now, I hate the words ‘soulmate’ and ‘happiness‘. Somehow they have a different meaning than they used to.

        • OMG! Effed up logic on his part. The definition of entitled thinking.

          Now that you mention it, my STBX would say the same thing about happiness. “You have to make your own happiness,” which is true, but not at the expense of others or your vows. (Also, his mother is a flaming narcissist, so acorn/tree and all that.) Just curious, did your MIL support your cheater when this all went down?

          Til I’m blue in the face, I will repeat that it’s not the desire to be with another woman that’s the problem or “growing apart,” it’s the betrayal and lying. These cheaters need to “man up/woman up” and ask for either marriage counseling or a divorce before fooling around and finding their “soulmates” and gd “happiness.”

          It goes without saying that the chump’s happiness never factors in😡.

    • My story too! And I thought no one else could have gone through what I went through. You’ve encapsulated it perfectly.

  • My cheater had to cheat because he was spending SO MUCH TIME being his little brother’s care-taker, that he forgot that he wasn’t suppose to cheat on his wife.
    His little brother.
    The para-Olympic athlete.
    And extreme sports spokesperson.
    Who lived 2,500 MILES away.

    You can’t make this shit up.

  • Oh, here’s another one: “I was tired of needing porn.”

    From the same man who later said, “You know neither of us will ever have better sex than we had with each other.” SMH.

    Oh, and the same man who said (after D-Day), “Could we get back together in, say, 3 years.”

    It’s abusive. I know.

  • I didn’t know you loved me this much, she paid attention to me. after 28 years together and 3 kids, death, trauma, teens ,mental illness at varying points with family members, no money.. fat, skinny, job loss.. seriously 😂 CHEATERS SUCK!

    • Isn’t it amazing how decades adulting together mean nothing and but the fantasy of the accomplice is the real deal.

      • Yes, decades of life’s challenges, children, job loss, support, sacrifice, loyalty mean nothing.
        All those years of shared memories, building a life together are so easily replaced by new and shiny without a second thought.

  • I got “it was just a f*** you to you for not respecting me.”
    Yep way to earn some respect. 😆

  • (The following is a synopsis of what occurred)

    “I had contacted her on Match before I met you and we’d arranged a date. She had a car wreck the day before the date and it was put off until she felt better. I immediately sought you out for my next supply and after a few months of my extreme love bombing, you asked me to move in with you. In the middle of my moving in, out of the blue, she contacted me.

    I felt I still owed her the date so I took her out (in your car) and gave her the impression I was not involved with anyone, including fucking her.”

  • “You told me that I wasn’t your ‘person’ anymore, and that hurt me to my core. That’s not what marriage is supposed to be.”

    Mind you – this was months into fake reconciliation. Yes, I did say that to him – after d-day #2, when I found all of the texts and love letters between him and his newest OW/also-married coworker. Along with screenshots of houses they were planning to buy in MD (we live in TX), and plans for her kids and my son to “bunk in the same room because that will be so fun for them.”

    So yeah, he wasn’t my “person” anymore.

  • Why, I asked? She owed him $180 for working on her car (he is a mechanic) and he made the video to prove it wasn’t rape.

  • It was a whim. I wasn’t happy [complete news to me].
    He discarded me for office mut. My whole family was blindsided and devastated.
    I love CLady’s line ‘ you don’t fall in love over a photocopy machine.’

  • After literally being hauled out of my home by way of legal eviction:

    “The extensive harem didn’t mean anything to me” (So, by extension, **I** meant nothing to you)

    “I just wanted to see what I could get away with” (See above)

    “I was having a midlife crisis” (I guess that means you endured that mid life crisis your ENTIRE LIFE because you were a cheater since your teen years)

    He thought those words would buy his way back in.

  • We discussed in detail what infidelity would do to our marriage. He actually condemned other people who did it in our friend circle. Just after D-day he said “ you and I both agreed that if we were unfair, to never tell, as that would mean the end of us, so I didn’t tell you!!”.
    We were talking one night stands, not ten years of fucking other women! We were talking a temporary lapse, a one night thing, not ten years of numerous mistresses and spending $100 000 on them. By the way, that particular discussion was held 6 years into him cheating!!! After D-day, I got “I didn’t think you loved me”, “ I needed more sex”, “you only saw me as a provider “, “you didn’t give me the attention I deserved”, “ they wanted it, you never did”, “I still loved loved you”, “ I didn’t realise I spent so much time with them and none with you”,“ I was angry with you because you didn’t appreciate me, they did”, “ I wasn’t willing to live in a sexless marriage”.
    He gave me no attention, no love, no attention, no help, no compliments, no love. When we did have sex, he used me, told me that I needed therapy, I needed to sort myself out. Not once did he try to make or explain what he so desperately needed and wanted (except more sex). I guess because he was so happy giving attention to all his affair partners and that they were willing to have threesomes with him. Nothing was ever his fault, it was all on me, I practically forced him to be unfaithful. We had 3 kids, a newborn, a gymnast and a national swimmer at the time, and I was working 6 days a week! My needs and wants were never even considered. I asked and asked for and emotional connection, so I didn’t feel like I was just a vessel for sex. Did I ever get it? No, not once. No wonder, he simply didn’t have the the time for me other than me being a babysitter, maid, cook and cleaner while he was out having fun. But, it was all my fault, I didn’t put him first.

    • Lillian, I’m so sorry. This is the same kind of thing I got too. Such entitled victims! The biggest thing I’ll never understand with me is that he was also shocked that I kicked him out and he hates me now.

  • It must be inherited, I got it from my uncle Claude. He kept extra women on the side. 45 years married….10 years could not keep his dick in his pants. And he inherited it, like balledness, WTF

  • You say I cheated and that I have no respect for you but it’s out of respect that I disclosed my (emotional) affair

    I chose my confident poorly (no shit!)

    You don’t get it (thirty timers per conversation)

    Etc.

    • We don’t get it, that part is right…!!!
      They’re trying to tell us they’re the devil and we just won’t listen and keep treating them as humans, that’s one of the problems!

  • I did this and it didn’t pain me, as much as it confused the hell out of me, and THAT’s what kept me stuck.
    Trying to figure what the hell it meant that “I didn’t *accept* him” or that “I was too concerned with my health”.

    IT.MADE.NO.SENSE !!!

    They know how to get us, though, because I think he knew that if he’d said something hurtful to me to explain his behavior, I would have upped and left right there. But he also knew I need for things to make logical sense and that way he could keep me looping. Also, I think he stumbled onto a reason because he was caught off guard and didn’t have a good lie at the ready.

    So…DON’T ASK WHY !!! It’s useless! No reason will ever justify what they did or have any connection to it… whatever they didn’t “like” about you, wasn’t going to be actually fixed by banging someone else, was it? How is him sticking it someplace else going to help your cooking skills or organizational skills or whatever they might faux-complain about?

    It’s never the logical response, so if not for anything else, dump them for their lack of logical skills!!!

  • “You wouldn’t go bowling with me”. His “reason” for the affair on D day. Never mind I’m in my 60’s and haven’t been bowling since I was a teenager. Plus, he never mentioned he wanted to go bowling. Apparently the whore likes to bowl.

    • Haha. One of the reasons mine (an addicted angler) gave is that she likes fly fishing more. I went all over the world fly fishing with him, but he seems to have forgotten that.

      Anyway, I suspect the OW would have picked up any hobby he liked. She’d have a yacht tattooed on her thigh if that floated his boat (pardon the pun). Instead, they now have matching, massive fish tattoos. Guess he assumed I wouldn’t get a fish tattoo. He’s right about that. That said, he didn’t bother to ask.

      Moving on.

      • Yeah… matching fish tattoos is twoo luv.

        I know XH kept forgetting all the times that I not only did things with him and maintained our shared hobbies, but all the times that I was the one planning the dates to do the hobbies, coordinating sitters, and making sure I included him with my fun activities and friends.

    • O M G….what is it with fuckwits and bowling? That’s one of my fuckwit’s early excuses – I didn’t want to go bowling with him because it hurts my hands so he haaad to cheat. He doesn’t actually bowl and has never ever gone for as long as I’ve known him. Actually the absurdity of that woke up my inner bitch, which helped me cope.

      My ultimate “favorite” that I’ve mentioned before still stands – the whore wanted to fuck him, so what was he supposed to do? Poor poor schmuck, a victim of the whore’s demands. Clearly I should feel sorry for his plight….barf…..

  • I also was told, “You were never supposed to find out.” Guess what, idiot, you got sloppy.

    Then his blame shift is that he felt on the outside. The number of years that he felt on the outside keeps changing. Worst case scenario, he is blaming our 17 and 15 year olds, that he felt on the outside when they were 8 and 6. WHO blames their KIDS for their 5+ year affair!?! And then he wants them to “stop living in the past, so they can rebuild a better future,” even though he hasn’t apologized to them and continues to blame shift. Mind you, the AP is 27 years old, making her closer in age to our son than to me (of course).

    And, we DID go to all of his stuff (that we hated) and he ignored us. That was what “him being on the outside” looked like. We chased after him for years. Plus, there was no reciprocation. He couldn’t be bothered to invest more than 10 minutes in what we were interested in. OH! Because it is always ALL ABOUT HIM!

    • Oh! He also wouldn’t stop saying, “I will never forsake you.” WAY too late, dude!

      To quote Princess Bride:

      Inigo Montoya: You keep using that word, I don’t think you know what it means.

    • Yes! A thousand times yes! I got the same nonsense. Jealous of the attention I gave the kids (who’s jealous of their own kids?) and somehow able to ignore that we all bent over backwards to do what he wanted (see my other post on this thread about fly fishing). Pathetic. ALL ABOUT HIM, indeed!

      He did revel in the kids’ successes (sports, academics) when they made him look good.

  • Remember when we were in Paris with the kids visiting my dad 3 years ago and you got mad at me in a restaurant? You said you wanted a divorce under your breath…my dad even heard you.
    For the record, I don’t remember being mad, have never said I wanted a divorce even in jest, and his dad is hard of hearing 😆

  • “I only married you because you were pregnant!” Mind you we had dated off and on for four years. We then deliberately had a second child and were married for 14 years. He also stated he had been uphappy for years and we just don’t get along. He now fights with the OW non-stop. Several of the above mentioned lines were used as well. Broke my heart! CL is correct, don’t stick your head in the blender.

    • “I only married you because you were pregnant!”

      What a shitty thing to say, even for a scumbag cheater. So everything is your fault! Boy they will say anything. Good riddance to him.

  • “You told me to get a girlfriend.”

    “You told me about Tinder.”

    “I have always been attracted to Asian women and never acted on it because my parents wouldn’t have approved.” 😱 🤮😡😤😵🤬👎🏻🖕🏼☹️

    Cheating and lying aside, I can’t be married to a
    a racist who objectifies women. My jaw was on the floor for a week after I heard that last one.

    Lots of other cliche classics came out of his mouth that have already been said here ad nauseam.

    But they cheat because they want the thrilling secret side f**k and they have a deeply ingrained belief system that justifies it. I have a belief system of monogamy so we are NOT a match. He actually does belong with someone who is OK f**cking. married people.

    But the joke’s on both of them, because when they get together, the dynamics they intentionally set up are vaporized. He needs to cheat on her and he is no longer the Unavailable Man she chose

    (Yes, he cheated on her. Haha, lowlifes.)
    .

    • My ex had an Asian fetish too, but he didn’t want to be seen with Asian women.

      That’s why he kept his ex secret…..nobody knew about her. He was only willing to be seen with white, blond women.

      I didn’t realize this until close to our divorce.

  • “I’m not having an affair. I don’t know what you are talking about”.

    Mine believed in admitting nothing, ever. Even when presented with all of the evidence he just denied, denied, denied.

    • Oh mine denied too-
      even when the love (vomit) notes were in front of him- he said ‘no one wrote them’ !!! I was so weirded out by his denying what was in front of his face- I asked if he wrote them himself!
      when he finally admitted to cheating (but lied endlessly claiming it was over)
      And I asked why her?
      He said it wasn’t the sex, just the woman she was!
      Yup- a married woman with kids who likes to cheat with another woman’s husband- great catch!
      They are so delusional.

    • Yeah…mine insisted until the very end that it was “just catching up”.

      Umm….yeah…one doesn’t lie through their teeth and continually change their story based on what you can prove over “just catching up”.

      GTFOOH

  • “Sometimes you’re at work.”

    After that I got a bunch of excuses he gives to everyone else for his bad behaviour:

    -“My dad didnt love me” (has 23 kids, also a narc pos)

    -“My kids don’t like me and I never see them”

    -“My ex wife was mean to me”

    – “I was bullied as a kid”

    And my personal favourite that made me realize he was really grasping:

    -“My mom yelled at me when I was 8 because I couldn’t make the rice right.”

  • He said ” I put on weight because you always fed me takaways ( he was the kebab shops best customer) and ‘We lost the spark’

    • Weight makes your penis wander to other women? Damn the kebab shop should be shut down. 😉 LOL!

  • He was stressed because both of his parents were dying. So instead of spending the last months with them, he choose to be with her. Called her a chubby fling. I promptly called her and told her what he said she was. So within 6 months he lost his parents, his wife, and the respect of his daughter. What pond scum!

  • Mine never admitted that anything was going on with the OW. The closest he came was texting the kids six months after the divorce was final telling them they were getting married in two weeks.

  • About the years of online sex chats that led to the RL affair, “I figured it was like some guys have Friday night poker games.”

  • “If I didn’t cheat you would never let me leave”

    followed up by

    “You always accused me of cheating so I figured ‘why not?'”
    20 years of marriage, 4 affairs that I am aware of…….

  • Ever since we had the kids (15 years ago) I felt you lost affection for me. Apparently he wasn’t Numero Uno anymore. I only know of the last affair that ended the marriage. God knows how long I trusted this fool and how long he was cheating.

    • I also got, “after you had the baby, you changed.” Umm, yeah. Creating a human being, giving birth, and then staying home and being primarily responsible for keeping a baby alive 24/7 will do that to a gal. It all meant he had to share my attention.

      And calling our child THE baby, is so insulting.

      Now he’s Disney dad to shine up the image.

      • Yup. I didn’t know having a daughter would mean I would lose a girlfriend? Now I realise I can think of something similar that he said to me to almost everyone’s comments (apart from the dishwasher stacking one (although him and OW did ridicule how messy a cutlery drawer was on instagram) I see his did a great number on me. I mean he threw them all at me. Every single thing he could. Really nice considering I’d buried my dad a week before after nursing him while he was dying. He literally threw everything he could at me to see what would stick I realise.

  • Ever since we had the kids (15 years ago) I felt you lost affection for me. Apparently he wasn’t Numero Uno anymore. I only know of the last affair that ended the marriage. God knows how long I trusted this fool and how long he was cheating. Oh and there was the …I don’t know what’s happening to me, my actions are surpirsing me too.”

  • “I know you had a major deadline the next day but you wouldn’t go to the [stupid] party with me to be with my [white supremacist, rape joke telling, racial slur spewing, shitty] friends so I had to sleep with him.”

  • Well, for the first DDay, he said they were only doing “S&M stuff,” so it wasn’t really cheating.
    For the second DDay, he said, “You didn’t want to have sex with me the night before your cancer surgery, so I had sex with her to get back at you for rejecting me.”
    For the third and fourth DDays… oh, never mind. I stopped asking. Boy was I a chump. So glad he’s someone else’s problem now.

    • “I am just not attracted to you. You look like a mother. You are too generous. I feel like a man-child. She makes me feel young. We don’t have enough sex. “

      It is good to write these things and not hurt anymore thinking about them. It is desensitization. The thoughts bang around in my head long enough, they stop having an impact. I just don’t care..or could this be meh? Hugs fellow chumps.

  • He never admitted to cheating. So when I asked why he was divorcing me he said “I have my reasons”. I mean later on it was because I supposedly have mental health issues (lol) and once said his mom was acting crazy. This narc mamas boy can not handle any negativity towards his mother. I’ve given up analyzing that messed up relationship.

    I did hear him on the phone with a friend a little while after he filed and he said that I never wanted to FaceTime with his family and wanted him to deleted his Facebook (he conveniently left out the fact this request was Bc it was one of his forms of communicating with several women). So I guess he’s going with the narrative that I’m controlling. Okie dokie.

    • Oh also “I’ve have a problem with needing attention from women”.

      At least that’s somewhat self aware I suppose.

  • CL is right when she advises not to ask. It will just make your head explode.

    My cheater told me he cheated because I bought new dishes and he was afraid I would yell at him if he broke a coffee cup! I would still be married if only he knew it was open stock!

    I didn’t ask how my buying new dishes 4 months prior justified a year plus long affair. My his own admission, the affair started long before the new dishes. I think by that time the lies just roll off their tongue before their brain is engaged. But actually I am glad he gave this as a “reason”. It was so absurd it stopped me from going down that rabbit hole and even attempting to find out why. They cheat, and they lie to justify. True explanations would require introspection and honesty, and that is hard work. Hard work was never my ex’s forte.

    • Oooo… this one makes my blood boil. Parenting is tough and he DID sign up for it. No reason to blame this on your own special needs child. So sorry, TooSmartforthisShit! Hugs.

      • Unbefuckinglieveable.

        Just- I can’t even.

        My blood is boiling too. If I were in the same room as this person, three of you would be holding me back as I struggle to commit a felony on his face with my fists!

        *Nobody* signs up for difficult circumstances. Why does this fuckwit think they are exempt?

        More importantly, and this is making me tear up as we speak: how could he /she not LOVE THIS PRECIOUS CHILD?

        This hit me extra hard today. I’ve never thought about it before but I am sure Wasband has the same attitude toward our special needs child.

        No wonder he’s there to parade her around in church or at the ballpark. He can get his Special Dad of the Year badge. But when it comes to the difficult things, he is nowhere to be found.

        Excuse me for a moment, I need to go do some rage plumbing.*

        *my version of rage plumbing is yardwork, fyi

        Disordered to the max. I have no words (besides all those, obviously) 🙂

  • Wish I would have kicked his ass to curb on Dday. The 18 weeks of fake wreconciliation, blameshifting, word salad, Gaslighting and numerous subsequent Ddays almost killed me and our teens.

    Learn from my mistakes! Go no contact and file the minute you find out! Trust they suck. Nothing to work with. Cheaters cheat and liars lie.

    Absurd excuses #701, 702, 703, 704, 705: I “did IT” (never any acknowledgement or taking responsibility) because
    “You never bought me a comfortable chair to sit on”
    “You didn’t think I made enough money”
    “You made me feel inadequate”
    “You never listen”
    “We’ve been miserable for years”
    “Our marriage was broken years ago”

    Crazy! He never discussed any of these thoughts with me before Dday, he was love bombing me up until and even after Dday, including long handwritten cards singing my praises and dedicating a book he wrote to me…

    The dissonance made me nearly insane.

    NO CONTACT IS ONLY PATH TO PEACE

  • Arseface claimed he thought having a hidden harem on the go would ‘ enhance the spousal relationship’. Said with total aplomb.
    I was making such a big deal when surely I must realise that he wasn’t the first man in the world to have affairs.
    Silly me working myself up over something that happens all the time.
    He gracefully conceded that if ‘ what happened to me happened to him,he would be angry too. Note the use of the passive voice. No mention that he did it to me.
    A total mindfuck.

    • My XW told me numerous times if I cheated on her, she would divorce me. No reconciliation. After DDay when everything came out, I brought that up. She said “I don’t believe that way anymore” ..

  • My XW had a bunch of them, the best was: “I thought it wouldn’t hurt as much because he is uglier then you” “Like in Bible times, where a man loved two wives, I could love the two of you at the same time”. Yes, a Jesus cheater.

  • “You were going through such a hard time, I didn’t want to bother you with my sexual needs.”

  • “I was primed for an affair, you going through menopause was more than I could take”. “I didn’t think you loved me, much less liked me”. “She is always so happy to see me, you just ask what I want for dinner”.

    • Ummmmm….
      Making him dinner speaks VOLUMES. “Happy to see me” means nothing.

      Dinner and household tasks are love in action. True love. Rubber-meets-the-road kind of love.

      I can’t believe he would trade one for the other.

  • 1. “She came to my room naked. It was just oral sex because I couldn’t get it up.”
    2. “Because my cousin asked me too, since his wife wants sex all th time” I only sent one dick picture and it wasn’t hard. (Hours and hours spent via texts and phone calls during his work and while staying home with our 10 year ild daughter.
    3. “I wasn’t talking about sex with her” Stepsister who he has talked with about sex before and has continued to call text go see her behind my back after agreeing not do that anymore.
    4. I slept in the truck
    5. They are just old friends from high school
    6. ” I need to figure out why I hate myself” my reply cuz you shit on those who love you duh.
    7. “I am insecure”
    Oh the list goes on. 15 years of cheating and I’m finally done. Chump No More

  • The mindfuck still gives me a headache when I ponder the ridiculous yet cruel “explanations” I received everytime I tried to get a grasp of what the hell was happening to him, myself and the marriage and I won’t ever be able to except as to summarize he was fucked up beyond my understanding. The following examples of some conversation where his are direct quotes and my responses in parenthesis. If you are new to the shock and trauma, please skip over the part of trying to reason, it will make you feel crazy yourself.

    “You are a great wife, my best friend, and we have a wonderful relationship”(sounds like marriage should be to me)….”we don’t have a spiritual connection, she is my soul mate”(but she can’t even speak English, different culture, and has opposite religion)…..”I love you but I’m not in love with and I have NEVER been in love with you”(according to your best friends and family you were crazy for me)…..”I haven’t been happy for a couple of years–changed to 5 years changed to 15 years since we married 20 years(–(it was all acting and you wasted most my life)….. “God forgives me and approves because I’m fixing the biggest mistake I’ve ever made marrying you” ( don’t know what GOD you’re praying to or devil’s bible you read)…..”It’s not you or anything you did, I still love you like a sister”( you’d have sex 5X per week with your sister?!)….. “we had the best sex but I NEVER made love to you”(Don’t know whether to say thankyou, you’re welcome or FUCK YOU!)

    • I too got some variation on all of these… “our sex life was never the problem – that was great”, “I haven’t been happy for years (and time changed with each saying), “I love you and you were the most important person in my life for almost 2 decades,” “we have no hobbies in common anymore” (i.e. you don’t like to get wasted drunk anymore even though we do everything else together), “I just needed more sex”, “I thought you’d never find out and that our relationship would just get better”, etc.

      They don’t know – they are so simple-minded and just liked getting sex and attention from someone else and have no idea what a boundary looks or feels like. Emotionally stunted.

      • “They don’t know – they are so simple-minded and just liked getting sex and attention from someone else and have no idea what a boundary looks or feels like. Emotionally stunted.”

        This.

    • Wow! spiritwoman, If I hadn’t already blocked my STBX on my phone, we would have had the exact same conversation, especially the part about “God forgives me.” Learned the other day that her English is as good as a three year old. But, he is fine with that. It means that he gets to talk and not have to listen to her respond. What has my kids and I laughing is that she can literally be bashing him to his face, and he will never know, since he never bothered to learn her language!

      • It never ceases to amaze me how similar so many of these men are. I heard pretty much all the same bullshit. I never initiated, he needed sex every day and I wasn’t willing. Once a week and BJs 2-3 times a week wasn’t enough. Along with the requisite “I haven’t been happy for years”.

        My ex was on staff at our church. He left me for a foreign sex worker he met at a massage parlor who can barely speak English. He told the pastor at our church that he blamed God for making him commit adultery with such a person, saying that there’s no way he would have done it on his own volition. Good grief. :eyeroll:

        He married her, two months after our divorce was final. I just found out a month ago. Wonder if the daily sex is still going on now that she has that piece of paper?? Meanwhile, all the while he was married to her, he was sending me sad sausage emails about how miserable he was and asking me for money to buy a condo because she left him. I was actually beginning to feel sorry for him! Stupid me. No more. He deserves everything he gets.

  • Well first there were the denials (even thought I have ironclad proof).

    Then she simply “did not want to talk about it”.

    Then, during some crocodile tears for herself one day, I was told “You know, I didn’t mean for this to happen.”

    OOOOOOhhhhhhh……my bad…..that explains it all now. If you had MEANT to cheat on me for over 6 months I might be upset, but since you didn’t MEAN to, I’m sorry for my reaction….my bad! Let’s get back to that divorce you filed now (did you MEAN to do that?).

    VOMIT!

    Of course, later on I heard “You really fucked me up”.

    Blameshift……Gaslight……lather, rinse repeat!

  • I got the classic “It was an accident, I didn’t mean for it to happen.”

    Spilling your coffee is an accident…

    From various others I got:

    “Im telling you about it now, so I feel I’m being very upfront and honest!” -after he’d lied about going to dinner with parents when he actually went to go fuck an ex.

    “Well I’m entitled to the pursuit of my own happiness, everyone is, you need to understand and respect that.” -this one introduced me to his parents and said he wanted to get married. He ghosted for two weeks and then said this after telling me he didn’t actually mean it when he said he wanted marriage, said I was crazy for believing him. He bothered me several months later after some other girl he’d messed around with was pregnant and wanted him to raise it.

    “I wasnt lying, it just didn’t come up.” -protip: if the fact there’s a third person in the picture doesn’t come up in conversation with your partner, it’s because they aren’t bringing it up on purpose.

  • I didn’t get any excuses because I never got admittance of all his lies and bad behavior. Even when confronted with proof. He will NEVER acknowledge his mistakes, lies, and deliberate actions to cause hurt and harm.

    I think this guy would lie with absolute sincerity and believe every word dripping out of his false mouth to Saint Peter himself at the Pearly Gates.

    After I realized that I couldn’t believe one word out of his mouth I stopped asking. He knows I know he is full of shit. And once he realized that, his hatred of me knows no bounds.

    • I have the same issue. He could tell me the sky isn’t blue and fully believe himself. He will never admit to cheating. He just got caught, files for divorce immediately and started defending himself.

  • “Why do you care… she’s an insignificant slut” and “You wanted me dead anyway”. He saw her for over 3 years.

    • For me, it was the other way round; ’you are never happy, but she is, so she makes me happy’. Thanks everyone for making me feel less alone in this.

  • There’s so many, it’s hard to keep up. When I saw them kiss with my own eyes, it was a “hug.” When she knew she had been caught but not confronted, her lover convinced her to call the police (and then also file an EPO). I was told “He was a friend and he was helping me discuss custody and encouraged me to work it out with you.” I also got a lot of “your need to dig for dirt did this” and “if you hadn’t gone out that night (to catch her) we’d still be together). Other gems were “I need to feel safe.” “We only talked about work stuff.” The mental gymnastics this girl tried to pull off despite the mountain of evidence and multiple occurrences of being caught was embarrassing.

    I’m so against reconciliation with a POS like that. I’ve heard better lying from children.

  • When he was in his denial phase –
    X I didn’t sleep with her but I cannot guarantee I wouldn’t have done if I had been more drunk.
    Me -Err, but you were very drunk – there are pictures of you on Facebook up a tree
    X – yes but not drunk enough!

    When he finally admitted it I got ‘ I’ve loved her for two years because you said something was my fault 10 years ago’

    The fact he sat on that without saying anything is either a huge lie, or really chilling. And what was he doing for the other eight years I wonder.

    Actually I don’t wonder any more! Her problem now.

  • During my cancer treatment:

    Well, you were always going to bed at 8, just after the kids went to bed. And [your “BFF”] was here a lot helping. And I was bored.

    • It really really makes you wish the shoe was on the other foot doesn’t it. But then again you would have probably been a great partner in those circumstances. Makes me so mad. These people are so weak.

  • I asked so MANY questions after DD1 in 2012 so I didn’t even bother to ask for DD2 in 2017. However Asshat proactively kept moving his lips to make excuses.

    The gem—HoWorker (now wife) wasn’t my mistress, my company was. I dedicated all my time to it.

    I didn’t know a corporation could give a blow job!

  • Why he was a serial cheater with a double life since first date through 20 years of marriage:

    * Screaming in my face, spitting rage– You are so judgmental I couldn’t even ask you to have threesomes with extra women and men. (Me: what, in our room with the kids next door? ho the F asks their loyal wife of 20 years that and acts like I’m the jerk?!)

    * I knew you wouldn’t do X, Y, Z (Fucking sick porno things he learned from his on-line porn addiction) and you make me feel like I can’t even ASK to live out my fantasies. Sniff… almost on the verge of tears he is so downtrodden.

    *You won’t drink with me (like have several drinkings EVERY night to the point of complete drunkenness. He saw my NOT being an alcoholic as being judgmental of him being one and “trying to make him look bad and feel guilty” WTF?! Plus, I don’t know how I was supposed to drink all that booze and maintain the required weight of 100#s. Fucking Asshole….

    • Yep- see mine above. Getting blamed for not wanting to live out their sexual fantasies is horrific. I actually pointed out to my husband that he didn’t fulfill mine. I asked him for 10 years to put a lock on our bedroom door so we could experiment more. He never did. It’s because it’s not about us. That blame shifting shit is just an excuse. I wouldn’t matter what we did.

  • Ooh so many here. Yes they all use the same cheating manual…

    ‘I’m only human’
    ‘but look at me I’m a handsome man’
    ‘we stopped clicking’
    ‘what can I say I love women’
    ‘there are so many women who want me but I didn’t leave you did I?’

    Sooooo many more. They’re all the same. Same playbook. *yawn. Cheaters are tiring. Hope we are all gaining a life away from them.

  • When he said he wanted to move out – he was still insisting there was no OW – he said he “had never had his own room before” he had shared with brother then joined army then married me.
    So he needed a room of his own – no OW – just wanted space. All lies.

      • Oh wow. I got the bs about needing to be alone in the woods, too.

        I was so concerned for his safety (hiking alone!) and understanding (he just retired and needs to adjust to that big change) that I asked him for his route plan. Just in case. He wrote a two-page itinerary—every trail, every shelter I suggested he by a satellite gps.

        The thing is, he never intended on going hiking alone. He flew to another state and hiked with his whore. It was all a ruse or, as he called it, “my biggest lie.”

        • Wow, Just wow…My STBX is on his way to the mountains – lonely hiking…I got the whole ininerary, he even paid for the accommodation from our joint account…I am curious od he is alone hiking…

  • I didn’t find out until after he left. He told me he needed to take care of himself for a change.

    My kids say he looks sick, is aging fast, is unrecognizable. Im confused.

  • I remember this one.
    She is a very nice woman but the problem is you…I never fell out of love..I just want to see her for a while and it’s almost over. I’m worried about her as she is the one who will get hurt.

    • I got this, too! “I think it’s possible to love two people at once.” Followed by, “I didn’t think it would last.

      Until the last day, I still thought I’d be with you.” And then, the coup de grace, “Could we get back together in, say, 3 years!”

      He keeps repeating the part about not knowing the he’d leave me (after a two 1/2 year affair) until he did this two-day separation. I guess it was how I reacted to the separation (upset and angry) that forced his hand.

      It was my reaction. I’m to blame. He would have kept the cake situation going on indefinitely, and he thinks he’s noble for saying that.

      Oh, and he also mentioned that when we talked about marriage counseling (before he confessed but after he said he wanted a separation), he really, really meant it and actually tried but failed (yeah, right) to make an appointment.

      He also said that his own individual therapist told him that he could go to marriage counseling with me and not mention the affair. Would a therapist give that advice? Maybe. Or he misheard. Or he’s lying. Who knows? Who cares? My head is in the blender.

      You can’t make this up.

  • I got, ‘We started having sex so I could find out how to be more sensual with you.’ Also, ‘She’s very wise and has taught me so much spiritually.’ I thought that it took a special kind of wise to fuck a man twice your age who’s been married for 20 years, while pretending to be friends with his wife. But as I found out from reading here, her kind of wise is all too common and cliche.

  • You didn’t meet my needs [drat those uncommunicated needs!]
    I’m only human [in an Edgar suit]
    I never would have left you [yeap right back at you except cheating was a deal breaker]

  • “You bought the dog bologna”.

    I swear, this is true. You see, he was perpetually going on one diet /eating craze or another , each of which would instantly become the new One True Way To Consume Nutrition, and my failure to adapt == moral failing.

    So we must have been in one of the meat-restrictive cycles at this point, but our elderly dog took 20 pills a day and naturally I needed ways to entice canine cooperation. Ergo, lots of deli meat. Fellow chumps will also recognize that managing the dog’s increasing medical needs was exclusively MY job, cheater was much too busy with “work” for such trifles.

    Anyway, you probably thought the issue was buying meat. No — it was because I was SABOTAGING my ex. With the bologna! See how devious I am, tempting him with the irresistible lure of Oscar Meyer while *pretending* it’s for the dog? (It was really for the dog)

    I still laugh at the idea that 1) Not eating the bologna, which BY THE WAY I STILL NEEDED FOR THE DOG, never was an option and 2) The well established bologna-to-infidelity causation.

    • I so wish I had this one… I would answer all questions about my divorce with “I got divorced because I sabotaged my XH with bologna!” 😀 😀 😀

      So funny! Creative cheater you got there.

    • He sabotaged you with his “sausage“. You repaid him in bologna. Seems only fair.

    • Refusal to follow the one true way to consume nutrition = moral failing 🤣
      Same here!
      “You bought chips on purpose”,” Sugar is poison”, “You shouldn’t let the kinds eat granola bars they are just candy in a healthy wrapper” “you know I don’t like it when the hot meat touches the salad on my plate”
      Spinning in a circle trying to accommodate- like a short order cook
      Such a relief to be done with that 😅

      • I GET THIS!!

        It didn’t matter what I was cooking (or planned to cook or had already cooked) —> IT WASN’T RIGHT for whatever it was that he decided was his Food Plan du Jour!!!

        On occasion, he even demanded to see the written recipe to make sure that I wasn’t attempting to infiltrate his body with whatever he deemed was the latest poison. Sugar is bad. No, now it’s carbs that are bad. False alarm. Meat is the answer! Must have only 100% protein! On and on. You would think that with his fixation on his body he would have been a Gray Fox Adonis. Nope. He was (and no doubt still is) a balding, 40-pound overweight, middle-aged, 20-health-pills-a-day dumb ass with no common sense.

        And just to further keep me spinning like the Tasmanian Devil (if the meal was actually deemed acceptable for whatever idiot diet he was on that day), he would either hardly eat anything (“Army PT test coming up in 4 months! Have to make my weight goal!”) or decide that he was really in the mood for something different (“Let’s go get Thai food!”) after I had already cooked the meal.

        The whole time I was going through all this insanity, I never knew it was abuse. One of the MANY mind-fucks.

      • MightyLady –

        Like you, I am thrilled to be off the MEAL MINDFUCK MERRY-GO-ROUND. 🎉 🎪 🤹

  • “The first time I did it, I knew I had ruined my life”. But it didnt stop him from continuing to ruin his life for over 3 decades. Best line though, was I only did THAT 3 times. Whats with the 3X answer, it like I only had 2 beers. Such a f’d up liar and cheater, porn addicted loser. I turned in over to himself finally! BTW these creatures are NOT fixable. EVER!

    In the land of meh … 4 yrs

  • This comic relief has been great. But what stumps me (and terrifies me actually) is that none of these cheater idiots said or did these things when we met and courted them. How, oh how do we recognize it quickly??? I am 3.5 years out from the 1.5 year divorce being final and contemplating dating, but I just don’t think I’m wise enough to catch another one as savvy as Xhole.

    • My giant and main problem. My best friend was the his affair partner, so I trust myself double-less. I am so unwilling to trust, and I reject people now at the lightness pressure on my boundaries. That’s not the answer either but…. I don’t know what the answer is.

    • We can fix our picker. We can see when we start minimizing our needs or if someone else is uncomfortable talking about and respecting our boundaries. We can see if talking about things and finding solutions feels mutual or like we are doing all the compromising and work. We can do this and we can find meaningful, communicative, honest, great relationships with our family, friends, and potential significant others. Hugs.

  • Thats why its often called “double life”. They have amazing talent to completely fool alot of people. I met my x in church, he was raised by ministers, came off like this super awesome, hardworking, caring, loving, glad to have met his “soul mate” (me). But as I learned decades later, the cheating started almost immediately. Another stupid thing he told me was “he had ALOT of opportunity”. So did I but I didnt act on it.

    I have no words of wisdom, I did Watch what he said, he was still that good! IDK

    Peace

  • I’m glad you said no. Trust me… ANYTHING you do like that WILL come back to haunt you. Toward the end of my marriage, I let the EX take naked pictures of me because he swore that would help him with his porn/hooker addiction–that he would focus on me instead of on them.

    Well, first… his phone broke and he bought another one and left the one with the pictures on it at the shop in exchange. I hope they wiped it, but I can easily picture them looking at all my photos. He obviously didn’t care.

    THEN when he was caught out with hookers and porn later, he claimed that me participating in that way encouraged him to get further into porn and prostitutes, because I had given my blessing to it by getting involved with him in it.

    THEN he stopped having sex with me when I wouldn’t go along with all his nonsense, and he told our 20-year-old daughter that it was because seeing me was like seeing sin since I had modelled for him for porn, and now he associated me with porn.

    Long story short: Don’t do anything you don’t want to do, and certainly don’t do it just because he claims it will “help” him.

    • Oh FFS, that’s the epitome of playing a game with a moving goal post, a catch 22, a double standard… what an asshole.

      • Oops… actually I posted this on the wrong article. Realized I had to sign in, came back, must have opened the wrong one. Oh well, it kind of works for this one too.

    • What kind of lunatic shares that sort of thing with his 20 year old daughter. That definitely falls into the definition of abuse.

  • She is a lot like you, that’s why I “picked” her. But, she understand me better. (he was referring to the fact they are both cops and understand the stress they go through everyday. But, I would never understand that.

  • “You were depressed after the (3) miscarriages and didn’t pay enough attention to me”

    You truly cannot make this stuff up. I thought my husband would grieve WITH me over the loss of those children and the loss of “our” dream of being parents. I thought we would support each other through the worst time of our marriage, kind of like those pesky vows that we said to each other. Silly me!

    My ex decided that was the perfect time to find someone new, who was half his age and didn’t have to adult since she still lives with her mommy and daddy. Next, he proceeded to gaslight me and lie to my face for over a year, you know, because he could.

    But thanks to CL and CNation, I am well on my way to meh with a better, more peaceful, and much happier life. Thank you all 🙂

  • “I thought if I bought you nice things and did nice things for you, it made up for it.”

  • From DDay nearly three years ago, I have not seen my cheater X (lucky me) after 34 years marriage. On the rare phone conversations he did say to me “We didn’t want the same things”. Yep another one of these cheaters that sobbed to their adult children that they had been so very unhappy for many years and no, they were not having an affair (barfffff). My life – fabulous. Him…don’t know, don’t care. NC for 2 yrs.

  • I thought I had such a wonderful happy marriage. I was totally blindsided in absolutely everyway and I got no remorse from cheater what so ever. I got shark eyes, it was a case of total abandonment of me after these statements which he never mentioned ever during our marriage. Just threw them out there as he was walking out the door. “My life is grey, I’m dead inside.“ he had a wife and child who adored him, was at the top of his career where I helped him get, got to go on amazing holidays, he had a beautiful home that he wanted to buy and renovate, we spent 5 years working on. The Week we finished he left me for his Ho worker I never got to enjoy living in the house once it was finished. “I resent you that we never had a second child”. He never even mentioned he wanted another child“ I don’t like the way you dye your own hair” sorry I was trying to save us money $15 v $250 so I could take you on amazing holidays. Ho worker is half my age and has wonderful multifaceted tones in her long blonde hair. I’m going grey. “You don’t dress up for me any more”. Oh that’s because I came home from work got into my painting gear to paint the house inside and out but apparently I should be doing this in my tiara. “Ho worker dresses up for me”. She obviously also wears a lot of make up as that’s how my suspicions were confirmed with foundation over his work shirts. “You make sweeping statements” when I asked him to give me an example of these sweeping statements he couldn’t so does that count as a sweeping statement on his behalf. My biggest regrets are that I only found CL and CN after I paid thousands to on line courses “you can save your marriage even if it’s only you trying” hahaha. And sending fuckwit a 10 page heart felt letter about how great he was, and how shit I was please don’t leave me. Thanks RIC not. But the saddest thing of all is that I bred with the fuckwit and I have to share my most beautiful prized treasure with fuckwit and his young ho worker who apparently left another old guy to be With this old guy

    • Clumped, I completely understand you. I was also blindsided in absolutely every way.

      Mine had convinced to me to move out of a home that I absolutely loved and put so much of my heart into, to move to another state where I didn’t want to be and to build our dream retirement home. I reluctantly agreed because he pleaded that he needed to get away from all the traffic. I worked on designing that retirement home for a year. I had adjusted the footprint to fit our needs, picked out every finishing, worked with a landscape architect – it was my job for a year.

      Two months before the home was finished, after we had sold my beloved house, were living in a rental due to expire, in a new state with no job for myself, he gave me the ILYBINILWY line – with shark eyes, just ask you had mentioned. No emotion. Just dead inside. He walked out the door into the arms of his 29 year old coworker and never looked back.

      We sold the house I spent so long designing but never got a moment to live in. I had to get all our stuff out of storage alone, piece through the years of my life’s possessions to take what I wanted…all while being stunned and thinking he had a brain tumor causing this. Two weeks ago, I found out he and his 21-years-younger girlfriend are getting married. Pain welled up all over again.

      Just after he left, I stupidly begged for an explanation. All I got was nonsense and blame. Grievances were listed from before we were even married. Never in our 29 years together had he mentioned any of them to me.

      Never, in a million years, did I think I’d wind up alone at 50 and starting all over again. And let me say, there is age discrimination in the work force. My degree and experience have been brushed aside for much younger candidates. So, heading towards my retirement, making a fraction of what I used to make, while ‘young girl’ gets the benefit of him being at the top of his career (a place he got to with my help and support) is a real giant kick in the ass. He left me holding a pile of shit while he ran off into the sunset with a child. I hope karma bites him in the ass and that child leaves him for someone her own age when he hits retirement and he dies lonely. She can only be with him for money because he’s rather homely in the looks department and talks about himself non-stop and, let me just say…baby carrot.

  • Reasons I got cheated on according to Cheater:

    The home office desk wasn’t neat enough.

    The pantry was too neat.

    I didn’t make the bed every day.

    I didn’t clean the silverware tray out.

    I didn’t want to babysit his elderly mother on ten day vacations with his brother, SIL, and all of their kids, in a tiny house with one bathroom, and no dishwasher or washer and dryer, in a place with tons of mosquitoes. “You don’t participate!” Never mind that every year for the first twelve years we went there, I cleaned that fucking place from top to bottom.

    I didn’t want him to coach me with regard to my personal fitness.

    I dared to communicate what I like/didn’t like in bed.

    I read too much.

    I’m too independent.

    I’m “not fun anymore”.

    “She (15 year younger ho-worker, direct report) just gets me”.

    “We don’t like the same things anymore”.

    “When I was 7 years old, I hit my little brother in the head with a rock and my parents were very upset with me.”
    (Really…I can’t make this shit up)

    And my most favorite one of all…I didn’t use dryer sheets! Lol! Too much static cling. I don’t know why all that static electricity couldn’t help hold the marriage together. Oh well.

    Thanks to Chump Lady though for opening my eyes. I have learned the REAL reason I got cheated on was because he is an Asshole who needs constant ego massaging, and who felt entitled to cheat. He was just using me for what I could do for him and really had no intention of ever honoring his wedding vows from day one. I got cheated on because I picked a cheater.

    • baaaahaaaahaaaa! That made me laugh so hard. How dare you not use dryer sheets! OMG. I really do hope you can laugh at that…horrible as it may be. When I hear about guys like this, it makes me want to cash in all my life savings and send them 10 truck loads of dryer sheets with a little note. Fuckwits.

      • Yeah, since he likes Bounce, he can Bounce his cheating ass right the hell out of my life. Farkin’ A-hole.

    • I like a neat pantry myself. How ungrateful! 🙂

      He really was clutching at straws there.

  • Sorry for same name will change. Chumpedtothemax is not clumped to the max. Great minds. Will change name to stop confusion to ccccchuuump!

  • I will repeat myself. He said that I had unstructured hair (it’s curly and I get compliments from strangers), I stay fit and trim for myself not him, I wear cloths that I and other people (again compliments from strangers and friends) like but he doesn’t -I dare to wear them any way. I never wear pink, I go to bed early (10:30 WTF) and don’t stay up with him, there were also things he couldn’t tell me because it would hurt my feelings. Also we could not make each other perfectly happy. He was too young when we married, we stayed married for the wrong reasons (family, religion, society), I kinda thought we stayed married cause we loved each other (silly me). He wanted to grow old with me but just not be with me right now. He never really loved me, he was broken, we had a lot of “love and laughter in our life” but he had to leave anyway. The list is endless. The real reason is that he has no character or morals, is weak and a coward.

  • –I am just too empathetic. In fact, I am hyper-empathetic and so I just can’t break up with either of them. (He had two affair partners at the time.) It would hurt them too much.
    –My AP has abandonment issues. I just can’t leave her. (This is also what he said to our teenage kids who he has since… abandoned.)
    –I think I’d make a really good polygamist.
    –Nature never ever intended men to be monogamous. Just like the bonobo monkeys. They aren’t monogamous.
    –Can’t we just have an open marriage?

    • Lol, among the bonobos, the FEMALES lead the promiscuity, are all bisexual as well as having total social parity and equal status with males. It’s actually the males who aren’t as into the routine orgies with other chimp troops.

      Alas, according to carbon dating, we did not evolve from bonobos but from the much nastier regular chimp common ancestors that regularly engaged in rape, cannibalism, infanticide, battering and other forms of violent sexual control of females and lethal raiding. Does he also advocate cannibalism and infanticide?

  • My husband said they were just friends they got each other they laughed had a good time , have a lot in common , he cheated cause , he wanted to see if she was someone he could be with , don’t know what happened but he’s still here I want him to leave , but he says it’s his house too He still seeing her calling her , He feels guilty but he takes that out on me , try’s to make me feel bad over what he’s doing , yells at me to clean or do a project of some kind that I’m not doing enough around her My house to , I’m not his appliance anymore or maid or whatever , he doesn’t run my life anymore he shouldn’t ever ran my life , I just have to ignore and no contact which is hard cause he’s still here

  • Still Here..
    It sounds like that Fuckwit needs to go away. Get your ducks in a row as we say here. Contact an attorney. He’s not going to stop cheating. He’s only going to get nastier. You are strong and can do this. But you cannot stay cohabitating with him.

  • “I thought I was in love…Now I know I fell in love with a mirror image of myself who I thought I was when I was with her.” Insert barf emoji.

  • I fell out of love with you in 2013, 14, 15, somewhere in there.

    I love you but I’m not in love with you. I love you like a sister.

    We are twin Gemini’s. I love her like a sister.

    Opposites attract. And we are opposites, we are twins from the opposite sides of the universe. (Fucking VOMIT)

    You like old people stuff.

    You yelled at me in from of our son a year ago.

    We refinanced the house And the mortgage is only in your name. (Lol but the deed was in both our names so it was me that was screwed).

    I had a breakdown and turned to the one person who would understand me (the heinous heifer).

    You don’t need me.

    Where is the spark, there should be a spark.

    I can’t be here for five more years.

    You do everything for me and I need to learn how to do things for myself.

    I need time and space.

    You don’t let me drive you in the car. (That’s because you have severe road rage and I’m afraid for my life with you behind the wheel)

  • It didn’t start out that way. It was a therapeutic massage.

    Ya, my cheater got a massage alright.

    • Mine met the OW in a massage parlor. It would really piss him off when I’d call her a whore. “It’s not like that!” lol! What a fool he is. Led away by the dick by a foreigner who jacks off old men for a living and only wants him for his money and a green card.

      He actually married her, barely two months after our divorce was final. She probably thinks she will get his pension when he dies, which could be soon because he has a serious heart condition. Joke’s on her. It all goes to me. Wish I could laugh in her face.

  • All these responses are just hilarous, all of them sound like small children 🙂 I havent had a good laugh in a minute…Mine looked at me and said “I thought I would get away with it”, It was just sex but I dont love her” Me finding out was really the problem here

  • OK guys for those who know my story:-

    My Ex had died! Heart attack! He just literally “dropped dead” and I now have new meaning for those words!

  • So in addition to the “I haven’t been happy for years” speech I got a list which included:
    “You look at other women” this despite me being 100% faithful to her over 15 years and clearly both her and her coworker (married, 2 kids, multiple affairs) doing more than looking.
    The other was “we dont go to the pub enough and when we do, you dont drink” which was usually because I was driving!
    Best response when I asked if her and her AP had any common interests (apart from fucking behind peoples backs!) like our shared love of walking, her response was his father was a keen walker!

  • My ex tried to equate me not giving her attention 24/7 and talking sports and politics on Twitter as justification for being cheated on and on the same level as her adultery.

    She also said I wasn’t a strong spiritual leader (lol) while unbeknownst to me, she had been in a three-year affair and was currently in another affair with a pothead atheist who also had a girlfriend.

    These people talk out of their ass to blameshift.

  • # 1 on the 8-point written list of my “defects” that was recited to me was:

    “You wouldn’t move to St. Thomas, USVI.”

    • I got, “You wouldn’t move to Montana.” What? And that was the first I’d heard of Montana.

    • Oh I got something similar. “ I don’t want to give any money to the family any more. I want to spend it all on myself. You always make me give money for bills and family and I’m tired of it” !!!

      You cannot make this shit up.

  • There are so many. Apparently one of the final straws for him was that I wanted to watch Hardball with Chris Matthews (before he got sacked).🧐

  • Oh where do we begin on the treasure trove of reasons he left me for his 29 year old coworker… It started with the projecting…
    – you never loved me
    – you’ve never been happy
    Then the pity party…
    – you always made me go to the grocery store
    – you made me fat
    – you never instigated sex
    – you never wanted to do spontaneous things with me (yes, like going to his work conferences where I was alone all day, or playing golf in 93 degree heat and 100% humidity, or snorkeling when I can’t swim, or taking a ski vacation when I can’t ski)
    – I tried so hard to think up activities we could do together (yes, like model train exhibits and antique car shows and going to movies I had no interest in seeing)
    Then the blaming me…
    – you hated where we lived
    – I had to tip-toe around you always
    – every mean thing you said to me was like death by a thousand little cuts
    – I love you only as a friend
    – sure we had a couple fun times…
    – every time I had to tell you I was going on a business trip, I knew you’d get mad.

    Like every chump, I can explain away the ridiculousness…but you all know the game…

    You know, why can’t they just say, “I want sex with someone new,” and be honest and not blame us? They’d still be pathetic examples of a human being but at least I could say, “Thank you for being honest.”

  • This is what my STBXH said:

    I thought I was going to die in my 40s (like my Dad). When I realised I wasn’t gonna die, I thought ‘F**k it! I’m gonna do whatever I want now!”.

    Nice one, you loser.

  • I got a lot of excuses, but the most ridiculous one is because I ask him to take the garbage cans out on Mondays.

    Wonder if his foreigner massage parlor wife takes out the trash? Yep. He met her in a massage parlor. And yep, he married her. Ink barely dry on our divorce. Fool.

  • “You’re so much prettier than her.” (And I also don’t cheat on my own husband with married men, but I guess were not comparing character.)

    “I had a great weekend with the kids, it was only missing you.” (I had them to myself every weekend before I left you, fuck you very much.)

    “I’m not going to wait forever for you to come home.” (Trying to convince me to take him back. Not a winner.).

  • The reason I got first was that he was stressed and having difficulties at work, she was ‘helping and advising’ him with those and she was ‘someone he could talk to about it all’. He was a 52 year old company director with 50+ employees, she was a waitress in her 20s.
    Please don’t think I’m saying there’s anything wrong with being a waitress, I’m not at all, it’s just that I’ve not come across many in their 20s who have more experience and knowledge of managing companies than someone in their 50s…..
    When that excuse generated more questions than it answered I then got told that he’d been feeling suicidal and I should be grateful to her for keeping him alive for me. He knew that would work as I’d spent the previous 2 years worried out of my mind, desperately trying to keep my son alive through serious clinical depression. He knew the potential of losing my son to suicide was my greatest fear on a daily basis, so he just added himself to the list to make sure I wouldn’t leave him.
    I still can’t quite believe anyone would sink that low.

  • Another one I got that wasn’t an excuse for the affair but an excuse for lying about it: “I had to lie to protect her [the whore].”

    So I’m to believe he wasn’t protecting himself or trying to preserve cake?

    Clearly I’m not at meh yet. This one gets me (trying to protect her) because it seems so caring and intimate. He was protecting and caring for her (and himself, of course) while devaluing and subsequently discarding me. I know I shouldn’t care because he sucks and all that, but…ouch. Only 8 months from DDay. I trust it will get better in time.

    • I know how you feel. Mine told me that she was in a really terrible marriage, as if that excused her behavior and his for that matter. Hearing it was bad enough, seeing the look of concern for her on his face when he said it cut me to the core. On a happy note – they are no longer together- she dumped him.

      • Yeah, it cuts to the core.

        I heard the same concern through the phone when he expressed pity for her that her husband had been emotionally abusive. (She divorced him one year into their affair.) What the whore doesn’t know is that, when it comes to emotional abuse, she’s gone from the frying pan into the fire!!!

        And my STBX actually thinks he rescued her. It’s an understatement to say that he lacks self-awareness.

        Glad to hear that your ex’s whore dumped him. Did they ever marry? My STBX said he and his mistress will probably marry. He dropped that tidbit when he confessed to the 2 1/2 year affair.

        I predict/hope for a short marriage followed by a divorce where she takes the remaining half of his $$. Obviously I’m still waiting for Tuesday.

  • He simply said, “I wanted her to be my girlfriend.” Sadly, I stuck around another 4 months not taking the hint.

  • ‘I was out of control’

    ‘It was bigger than me’

    ‘Well our marriage has been in trouble for the last two years’. (News to me – thanks for letting me know)

    ‘40% of people have affairs’

    ‘40% of marriages end in divorce’

    ‘You turned into a wimp’

    ‘You completely dominated me’

    ‘I thought it was a phase I was going through’

    ‘I was having a mid-life crisis’

    ‘I wad peri-menopausal’

    ‘I was affected by my parents’ problems’

    ‘I was worried you’d get ill and I’d have to look after you’

    • “You were shouting at me”
      Seriously, we barely had any major arguments…I was analysing that over and over again.

      “She was smiling to me when I was coming to the office”
      Well, he was her boss. They never had any field for disagreement, no daily chores, no sorry socks…

      “You werent smiling when I was coming home”
      Usually I was giving him a kiss to the lips…But not smiling

      “I burnt out sometime around 2017 or 2018. I was unhappy and suicidal and you didnt even notice”
      I didnt.because he acted normal – these times we had plenty nice evenings together with wine and Netflix, going to the cinema, talking, holidays together, concerts, sex, sleeping hugged…So sorry I didnt assume my acting normal husband is in the mental hell and burnt out…

      “We werent happy for a long time”
      News to me…But maybe if he invested his energy in me instead of his young colleague -we would be happier…

      Bullshit.
      Here I would thank CL and CN to put things in the right perspective for me…I regret I did the whole false reconciliation for a year, still hoping to find my loving husband in this pathetic loser…

  • It has bee 2.5 years since he left, and he still denies that the relationship with the OW was an affair. He cultivated a relationship with her for over a year and nine months before leaving.

    The most cruel he got was the following:

    “Remember X and Y, my buddies who went to the same high school as you? Well, I guess you were kind of awkward in high school because when I first told them I was dating you, they laughed at you. Wondered what I was doing going out with someone like you. Said that you weren’t even that pretty and thought that I could do better. Of course, I thought you were amazing and couldn’t understand what they were talking about. That’s why I stopped hanging around them.

    Shortly after we got married, I realized that I didn’t even like you. Realized that I wouldn’t normally be friends with someone like you. They had a point that we don’t have anything in common. I recognized that I had made a commitment and figured that I could just learn to be satisfied with our life together. It was decent enough.

    But you don’t know how to be happy. You complain about everything. If it’s not one thing I’m doing wrong, it’s another. You are so emasculating. My happiest times are when you are not here. Remember when your water broke early with out daughter and you had to go into the hospital? I remember being so relieved that I was going to get a break from you and hoped that you would stay there for a while. I was disappointed when (our daughter) ended up being born that same night.

    I haven’t felt any attraction for you in years. Whenever I have been intimate with you, I’ve had to force myself. I don’t really have an ED problem. It’s just with you.

    You never stop talking. You don’t even notice when I’m not even listening to you anymore. I’ve looked at how you are with your friends, and I wonder how they even stay friends with you. You are annoying.

    You do a lot of good work, don’t get me wrong. But life with you is just about busyness and responsibility. I have never met someone with so many takers in her life. You don’t know how to just sit down and have a normal conversation. You don’t know how to have fun. It’s just work, work, work. You don’t even like amusement parks.

    My friends were right. We have nothing in common. I need to do something for me for once. I am done doing what everyone else wants and sacrificing for everyone else. I am so sick of your control and hearing how I don’t do anything right. I’ve never been able to be my real self. I just have to take the chance and see what could be out there for me. I don’t even like this house. There isn’t anything here that even reflects me.”

    In summary, my ex basically said that he never loved me and didn’t respect me for most of the marriage. He was putting on an act and “settling” for the life he signed up for when he married me. When it proved to be too hard, it was my fault. And through all of those years, how dare I not have shown greater appreciation for the emotionally disconnected man that I was with.

    • I think this is exactly the kind of thing my STBXH would come out with if he had the chance. It is immensely cruel and abusive. I am so glad for you that you are no longer in a relationship with someone that could stoop as low as this. Sending you lots of positive vibes – you sound like a responsible, caring and loving person to me. Stay strong!

    • It was never you Optionnomore. He’s as malignant as they come. I truly believe they say this shit because they want us as broken as they are. As painful as it is to hear that shit that asshole doesn’t define you. I was told that no one would ever want me the way I am.

      Live your life and hold your head high.

  • Those comments he made to and about you are nothing short of full on emotional abuse. My heart breaks for you just from reading what you had to endure. Anyone who would say such evil comments obviously has deep hatred for THEMSELVES. Be grateful that the trash took itself out. Sending you a big virtual hug!

  • PS My cheater said similar things to me, including some remarks which he claimed were made by other people, (including MY family members), who supposedly felt so sorry for him and/or were confused as to why someone as magnificent as him would be with someone as lousy as me. My already vulnerable self esteem has taken a huge hit and it’s still a daily chore to try to reprogram my brain to think anything positive about myself. Here are a few of my cheater’s excuses and disparaging statements:

    “It’s not normal to be with the same person this long!”

    “I’m the best at everything I do, so I deserve the best in everything! I deserve a young, hot wife, NOT the short end of the stick/Old Maid card which you are!”

    “I should get credit for all of the years I didn’t cheat!”

  • My ex also said he was not happy 100% of the time. I asked, “Well, what percent of the time have you been happy with me?” He replied, “I don’t know, 65%.” I told my therapist this (disappointed by my failing grade) and she said, “Well, 65% of the time he’s happy with you is pretty good!” I never knew he was unhappy 35% of the time – but I guess that highly outweighed the 65% happiness.

    Then there was the, “Sure we had a few good times…” A few?! We traveled, we ate out, we went to several concerts, we played golf, we went hiking, we went out regularly with friends…he was always laughing…I was always laughing…I just don’t get it.

    • Yep, same here. Maybe they know the truth is so banal that they have to make the whole story. And the truth is that they just want new, smiling and funny angel.
      What I finally understood is that it was NEVER about me. I could be the best wife and he would find the weak points. It is all in their selfish heads…

  • My ex’s reasons showed an extraordinary range of neuroplasticity on his part. He should volunteer for a NIH study. Here are some that I still remember:

    You never ask me how my day was.
    You were always angry.
    I could never make you happy.
    You don’t make me happy.
    I don’t like you.
    I love you, but I’m not in love with you.
    I always loved you. I still do, but you would never compromise.
    I want us to be friends because I like you.

    I especially appreciate the use of “always” and “never.” I’m not sure anyone has the wherewithal to always or never do anything, but hey….

    To this day, he insists that the OW is not the reason he left. He told my 19 year-old son that he’s only been dating her for two years, even though that same son found his texts to her when he was 12. Even math is subject to his neuroplastic magic.

    Thank God it’s Tuesday!

  • Maureen, you speak a very familiar language of mine. Neuroplasticity? NIH?? Hmmm. I do not wish to expose your cover or mine. Please stay safe on your path and journey.

  • You’re not feminine enough. I was scared that you were turning into your mother because of the clothes you were choosing.

    I was 37 and towards the end I was unhappy but didn’t know why, and was constantly just waiting on him. I still wore makeup everyday, but I wanted to hide my curvy behind baggier clothes because he was getting snarky with comments.

    He NEVER complimented me on my clothing/appearance, beyond making fun of my hair with no constructive comments or suggestions. What I always got? “You’re cute.” Asshole.

    After I got rid of him I felt more confident, and much prettier, and sexier. I also get lots of compliments from my loving boyfriend about how gorgeous I am (which I couldn’t see in the beginning because I was just an appliance to a man-child).

  • Me: why didn’t you just tell me that you wanted to see other women?

    Him: because I knew you would leave me.

    Pay close attention – they will tell you exactly who they are if you listen

  • I stumbled upon this page and read everything with my mouth hanging open.

    I did not realise that my first/ ex husband was reading from the same script as every other cheater. Mind. Blown.

    I’m moved to comment by another post here – my Mom and Dad divorced. She had numerous affairs during (she returned 15 years later, broke and broken and moved back in with my Dad).

    Any hoo … when they broke up she told me “your father gave me permission to find someone else/ he wasn’t a good husband”.

    She told my Dad that *I* had given her permission / encouraged her to cheat. I was 17. 😳

  • With a shit-grin on his face, he looked at me and said, “it’s not like we BOTH have not been with other people!” F-you. F-you. F-you. Ummmm….the BIG difference here is that I was with other people BEFORE I met you, not once in the time that we were together. Not even close. So yes, you are correct dear, we both HAVE been with other people, I was legit and you, you, YOU destroyed everything because or your narcissistic needs and your “side projects” (that’s what he called his extra-martial women). F-you. F-you. F-you.

    Oh and another good one he gave when he said that we actually never “explicitly” said that we would not see other people once we were married. WTF??? I see, so that is why you hid your side-projects? That’s why you lived a double life from myself and our kids? You found a loophole, totally legit because we never explicitly said we would not date others? Gotcha…oh, and F-you.