Cheating Excuses and Other Nonsense
Cheating excuses are gibberish. I often advise chumps to never, ever stick their head in the mindfuck blender after discovery. Don’t ask your cheater why they did this. Their motivations. Their astrological sign. Their FOO issues. Their pollen allergy.
Whatever the explanation given, it will be pure nonsense.
Nonsense that will PAIN you.
And I realize typing this that I’m way too late. You probably already asked.
So, today cheating excuses are our Friday Challenge, we can make fun of their answers. I got, “It didn’t take that much time.” As if cheating was a scheduling issue. Why, if only he’d had the perfect data management system, we could overlook this pesky trifle.
It. Didn’t. Take. That. Much. Time.
A comment on his lovemaking, perhaps? I don’t know. I left that skein a long time ago.
Your turn.
Point. Laugh. TGIF!
I asked you to let me go with her and you said no. It’s the only thing I have asked you in 11 years ????
I’m just replying to a random comment because I don’t see how to post my own comment.
I haven’t logged into Chump Lady’s blog in a long time and I see the forums are no longer.
If anyone sees this reply, can they reply by directing me to a divorce forum that can help me with legal and financial ideas?
I’m looking for some good starting resources to inquire about divorce with no financial resources. Thank you.
Reddit Chump Lady forum https://www.reddit.com/r/ChumpLadyNation/
Facebook Chump Lady Nation group https://www.facebook.com/groups/1534591900017294/
Please join us!
How can we join this reddit group?
I would need a more general idea of your location to offer better information. If you are in the USA I believe that most domestic abuse shelters have access to free legal services. I would start your search there. If you wish real time advice from CN try the Reddit site. Does that help you?
It’s a slippery slope…
You gave me permission. Remember that day you were upset because you did notceant to go to a bar? Remember you told me to find someone else to go with? I thought you would not care anyway. I thought you did not love me? You are boring. She liked to have fun.
In terms of “permission” my husband told our daughter that he wasn’t cheating but that I told him it was okay to be with other girls. Gee! I think I would remember if I did that.
Verbatim. Followed by, she is an amazing person, you would really like her.
Sorry for the typo. Should read. You did not want to go to a bar.
Yep. I told him something similar and got the same answer. “You said I should find someone more compatible since your lupus can’t allow you to go out from 9pm-2am and aLl ThE WaStEd MoNeY oN CoNcErT TiCkEtS!” So I took her.
He denys sex with her, though. I said all cheaters lie about everything they can and don’t believe him.
I’ve told this before, but here goes.
When confronted with his texts to his one male friend, describing fucking the rat faced whore, in lurid detail, including how many times he’d done it;
“None of it’s true! It was just lad’s banter”!
????
I blame you for my mother’s death. You should have been watching her better.
Seriously.
Stillchumpin, all I can say is he’s a fuckwit.
I had been gone for a year and I got a weeping phone call about how his dog had been runover because he hadn’t noticed she wasn’t on the back of his ute when he drove off, and when he’d noticed hours later she wasn’t there and gone back to where she was – the poor thing had been recently run over. He first said he was a terrible person.
Then it became my fault, because if I had been there, I would have obviously noticed that the dog wasn’t there at 5am and told him to go find her. He ended up really believing that if not for the fact I had left him, his dog would be alive and well.
What a twat. When he came back, he accidentally told my mom who was taking care of my dog to give her 3x her normal amount. This dog was my first and I had struggled to keep her alive with transfusions and surgeries all the way back when I was in college. She was my person and he knew I’d throw him out before her. She was there for everything. My mom listened, she had a bad reaction to the overdose in medication and she died of a clot in her lungs. Then he bitched about how expensive it was just for her to die. I’ve never wanted to murder more. I can’t get it out of the back of my mind that he somehow did this on purpose. It caused me to go into preterm labor.
Oh, I got a similar one! “I went out with her on a bet with the boys!!”
All of them people from his workplace…I would have loooooved to blow HR up, but I would have hurt myself
Yeah, like going out with a skank as a result of a *bet* is just absolutely OK.
These fuckers… fuck’s sake.
Sorry about the double post don’t know how that happened.
Yeah, like going out with a skank as a result of a *bet* is just absolutely OK.
These fuckers… fuc k’s sake.
“I have so much love to give”
Barf
“I have so much love to give”, aka “there’s an awful lot of dumb skanks out there who are more than happy to be one of my side dishes!”
gross!!!
Omg I got this one too! “I just have so much love to give!” While cheater was neglecting me hardcore, raging at me constantly, refusing to return my calls, ignoring me in person, cheating on me while I was in the hospital and during my recovery, etc., etc., etc.
“Ummm, I think of myself as a good, hard-working person who, uhhhh, who tries to do what’s right for their family”
Didn’t exactly explain why she had spent hundreds on strap on dildos, cock rings and Viagra for AP
So asked her “forget our family, hon: why didn’t you work hard enough to give this guy an unassisted erection?”
Winning is #fun
Stay mighty, people!
“We were having problems and I wasn’t happy. I haven’t been happy for a long time. You are so bitter. I need you not to be so bitter all the time.”
So obviously these “problems” he never expressed to me and of course, the blame shift, “You are so bitter all the time.” just forced him to fuck his ho-worker AND the 32 year old hood rat, niece of his high school buddy.
Subsequently when asked if there was anything I could have done to keep him from cheating he just said “No.” Probably the one and only time he was honest in our thirty four year marriage.
So true to Cheater form, his behavior was all my fault. I forced him to cheat by being “so bitter ALL THE TIME.” That is my super power, I maintain the bitter!
OMG you just wrote my chump excuse story!!! What the hell!??? I was with him 4 years. Totally blind sighted! With everything! Wow! Freaky! But in a good way because I am not alone and neither are you! You can contact me any time for a good laugh. Ill open replies to this comment. Like goo I didn’t get the memo YOU were unhappy! To be fair, he didn’t sleep with his friends niece or use drinking as an excuse but everything else, ho worker…. spot on! Such bullshit!
I got the “you know we haven’t been happy for a long time” which was total news to me. Of course his excuse, the best one he could come up with, was “You know I do stupid stuff when I’m drunk”.
Well, I did then!
We weren’t getting along, (news to me), you never loved me, you don’t compliment me enough, you’re never happy, (projection), you don’t appreciate how hard I work out at the gym, I work out for you, (that’s hysterical), I don’t get butterflies in my stomach when you walk into the room, you don’t run up and hug me when I walk in the door, I didn’t mess around with anyone until I moved out, (lol), I can never make you happy. I want something different, I want someone I have more in common with.
It’s all about them, their feelings, never do they ask or think about how we feel or what would make us happy. If they only put as much effort into the marriage as they do the AP. They’re incapable of thinking about someone other than themselves. They weren’t perfect partners, I wasn’t receiving compliments or words of appreciation (obviously) I was too busy being the adult. Never gave it much thought. It never entered my mind to search for something different and destroy our family or be disloyal.
They’re extremely immature and selfish.
Yep, their happiness is of supreme importance forget spouse’s happiness and kids’ happiness. Even though he wasn’t helping around the house much, wasting family resources during the affair, and robbing his family of his time, I was clueless as to what was going on and never considered cheating or ending things. I now know he’s a covert narc possibly even a sociopath given all his scheming. For months before discovery day, he would casually throw out how we have nothing in common (hello 2 kids and same hometown) and was extra critical regarding house cleaning and it never seemed like I could do enough. Just kept moving the goal posts.
Wow. I just found out I’m a chump 2 days ago. Literally everything yours, said mine said, word for word. I know they all play out of the same handbook but wow.
“It’s all about them and their feelings…” exactly this, mine said “I love the way she makes me feel about myself” ME ME ME!!
“She and I like the same music.”
Shockingly, they are not still together
I got the “ you are not coming to the door when I come from work” bs
Mind you- 2 small kids at the house with me, plus he was NEVER Coming to the door – even when I was dragging heavy groceries. That was ok.
One event – he was telling me how excited he got when at work a lady from his office removed a piece of thread ???? from his shirt.
Apparently that was an electrifying and showed how she ( just colleague nothing behind it!) cares.
At the same time blowing me off ( no sex for months) ignoring me and of course, not jumping up the moment he was entering the house was a big flaw
Is he stuck in a Leave it to Beaver episode? Sounds like he wanted you to meet him at the door with his pipe and slippers too.
Similar for me two issues…
When I found them together I asked, “Were you EVER going to tell me?”
His response. “No, I was just hoping things would get better.” Followed by, “We have nothing in common anymore and I haven’t been happy for years. You know we haven’t been happy for years.” But he never mentioned he wasn’t happy or tried to talk to me. And CouchHo doesn’t camp, hike, bike, etc. And she looks nothing like me… so I think the truth is he wanted sex daily from someone who is curvier, he didn’t want to be an adult and I was making him take on more responsibilities, and he is emotionally stunted and covert narc.
And those “common things” are hilarious b/c he keeps showing up in places where I am recreating and having fun b/c we have “nothing in common.” His CouchHo has started doing his things now… but they don’t actually have anything in common – including the same generation so good luck keeping him “happy.” I hope he never finds happy and fakes it forever like he was doing with me when he gave me a card 4 months before D-Day (during the affair) that said, “I am still crazy in love with you after all these years.” Screw his happiness.
Ah yes! The we weren’t happy diagnosis.
These people are perpetual reminders of how unfair life is.
???????????????????????? This! The long-time “marriage problems” that were never once disclosed to me…..????????????
All that adulting”negativity”????????
“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”
That’s all I ever got and ever will get.
I was never told and once I found out, never asked. Why? Because there was no excuse under the sun that would have made sense. He told his “excuses” to everyone else!
That’s exactly what I heard over and over. “I have no idea what you’re talking about”. Ugh, well, then ask for clarification (if you cared to know what I was talking about).
“I will not talk about your accusations”
And that was the end of the conversation. By that time I had proof.
I got a lot of shrugging and head hanging. Meanwhile, it continued.
What’s it with the head hanging????
They are literally all the same!
mine was living a double life for the entire 2.5 years I was with him. actually, it was a triple life for the first 6 months with a lady he was with for 5 years. all a while he had a 12 year partner. I also got a lot of head hanging in (fake) shame. said he has mental health issues. said he never lied about wanting to marry me just couldnt split with his long termers bc “it was complicated” (lol). he’s obvsiously so fucked up, poor him. victim victim victim. he’s so selfless he just wanted to give all these women what they wanted (cringe) – including babies (our daughters are a few months apart). the other APs he was involved with for 5 years children are in therapy for their abandonment issues. their step dad just disappeared on them over night. the damage he leaves behind him is unreal. obviosuly he is a straight up sociopath and I thank my lucky stars I only did 2.5 years of time and not 5 or 12 ! what i find incredible is the enabling around these sociopaths. my ex has friends and his family who support him. rally around him bc “he’s suicidal”. they’re all so disordered in my book !
Mine never admitted to the affair only that he “couldn’t do this anymore”, would give me NO reasons other than we were over. Mind, we were trying for a second baby, looking to buy a bigger house then BAM out of nowhere. This was followed by all the blameshifting and lying, never giving me ANY reason
Hid the affair and ever admitted it began beforehand. Total MINDFUCK.
We had just taken out a mortgage when he says he’d not been happy for 5 years… Right around the time we got our children. But okayyyy
Mine said he can’t remember bc of the ecstasy she gave him. In her apartment. 3 states away. Before SHE LEFT HIM WITH HER DAUGHTER AFTER FIRST MEETING. But they’ve been playing an online game for months together so it’s cool.
I’m the one who had to put two and two together after he cut and ran. I kept hearing stories of sightings and finally saw photographs of them out on a date (at 12 am, a good friend of mine saw them arrive at a restaurant where she was waiting outside in her car for takeaway). I asked him about her directly only once and told him I need honesty to even consider moving forward. He said she’s just a friend and colleague. But then he said nothing else. I didn’t even tell his parents about this. Because ultimately you want answers if you want to fix something and I didn’t want to fix it I wanted him to leave me alone forever and stop sucking the life out of me. Also, every time I did ask for closure when he had gone and it was the early days he would just find new ways to hurt me….cruel words, accusations, projections about my inadequacies. Not worth my time.
“I didn’t feel loved” – you know, because I had so much time to give to paying his precious ego attention what with raising three young kids, holding down a job AND caring for my dying father….. dick.
Me too! “didn’t feel loved”. While I was on dialysis! (still am, waiting 7 years for a kidney transplant). The irony: His older brother had a heart transplant when they were in their 20’s. I thought he would understand at least a little what I would go through. NOPE! I was very wrong. Such a shame and a waste. Because He was a wonderful sweet attentive person until I found out about his double life and office ho. Yep nice coping skills. I wish I could secretly date and fuck my co-workers every time things got difficult!
Yes! Same but six kids from college to baby. I heard that and also “I always loved you and you never loved me, and I thought you wouldn’t care” (no I love being lied to and having my husband screw someone else all day when I think he’s at work and I’m home making dinner and cleaning the house and raising our children.) And God sent her to me like an angel so I could finally feel loved. (She was married also and has three little kids.)
Suzy… I think HQ for that delivery service is located a little further south lol (retch).
yep. I got that too. “I didn’t feel loved.” What a dick.
We are a flawed and slightly toxic mix. Do you think you need therapy? My friends (er what friends) have been so worried about me you have made me ill. That’s what people do in shit relationships, have affairs.
Interspersed with…. I still love you and still care about you and want to be a loving mum and dad. Love Never Dies, You Own Cute Flower, Carry it with you. It doesn’t have to be like this unless YOU throw in a grenade.
Looking back at that now I think step away from the psychopath.
I am looking forward to reading all your ones about how you didn’t tie your shoelaces right or cooked the wrong type of spaghetti.
CL is right, it’s all the same nonsense in different packages.
Here was mine- “you are too close to your family and too focused on being a mom”. Now I am the shittiest mom on earth. Insert eye roll!
Agree- Step Away from the Psychopath!
“What friends” ha! My Cheater didn’t have friends, he didn’t like any of my friends husbands, because they had nothing in common and he felt like he was better educated. (eye roll).
Funny, one of his reasons for leaving was that he and I had nothing in common. Right, after 25 years together he wakes up one morning and it occurred to him I have nothing in common with Brit.
He meets AP in a hotel gym on a treadmill one weekend and he discovers they have something in common they both like SouthPark. South Park cancels out 25 years, a child, family and all that entails.
The ONLY concession I got before he moved out and I was being blamed for all of the above (not entirely sure I knew about OW yet but was certainly on my way to piecing things together) I was getting sad sausage and I remember being sat in bed listening to his sad sausage misery and I said the word friends and he said ‘I don’t have any friends’. I just looked at him and said ‘And I suppose that’s my fault too is it?’ He said no, and skulked off.
Oh yeah and of course you have nothing in common, goes without saying doesn’t it. I didn’t ‘see’ him. ‘Do you know what it’s like not to be seen?’ Oh fuck off.
I also got “she sees me and you never have”. Oh and she is also spur of the moment and nurturing and I can talk to her. When they met in a hotel, “you told me to leave for the night so it was fine.” Howorker has no kids, doesn’t own a house and has shit for morals so yeah. Go be “seen”by someone who can lie just like you.
Well if you HAD seen him, really seen who he was deep down, his true colours, you’d have probably have left him years earlier! So he may have been half right on that one!?
I put this up above, but I too got the “nothing in common anymore,” statement. But he keeps showing up everywhere I go to music events, outdoor events, movies, open space parks, etc. So much NOT in common. [insert eyeroll]
You wouldnt fuck another guy another guy for me to watch, and I think she will
I cheated and it’s like falling off the wagon when you diet. It was hard to not keep cheating.
You wouldn’t lose weight for me.
I didn’t get to sleep when I was younger (He did) so I just did it while with you.
This was mine as well. New wife absolutely swings with him and participates in ‘open marriage’.
Whirring blender noise
Gross. Horrid.
“It’s just that we have such different beliefs. Like, you won’t let me get a gun for the house.”
I mean, what-the-actual-fuck?!
Good! A gun in the house increases you chance of being killed by it by 5x!!!
Dday1, ex told me he thought I’d be happy about the 18m affair in my own home with AP because she was my friend, and we got along so great. So “I should be happy it was her and not a stranger” ???? DDay2 just denied everything despite proof.
????♀️????♀️????♀️ yep. Same kind of sentiment here, Whipped. Also 18 months. All conducted in our home and holiday home, with my childhood ‘friend.’ It caused such trauma and taint around meanings of home (safety, haven, love…) that some years later, I wrote my Masters thesis on the effects, emotions, identity and affect on home of intimate relationship challenge.
Fuckers.
Literal homewreckers.
“It was just sex!” (And $30,000. But who is counting?)
“I’ll move into the guest room, you can have the master bedroom and we will continue living together doing our own thing. For the kids’ sake.” (Apparently, that’s what we’ve been doing, without the formal arrangement. No thanks.)
“Let’s renew our vows!” (Why? You didn’t keep them the first time, I’m supposed to assume this time is different?)
Him: “what’s the difference if one teeny tiny part of my penis touches one teeny tiny part of her vagina? I wish you were more like me and didn’t feel jealous about these things. Why don’t you have sex with other people too? I won’t mind. That way, I won’t have to move out and the kids won’t have to go back and forth between two houses.”
My response: “what do I get out of this?” (note that I was the primary breadwinner the entire 12 years of our marriage).
Him:
Me: “what do you get out of all this?”
Him: “All the things!”
I am still floored that this is the man who I picked to marry and father my two children. How could I have been so chumped? Thank goodness I found Chump Lady by that time, and I refused to eat the rest of the shit sandwich he was offering.
If you can’t live up to the spirit, then double down on the letter of the law. He has no idea about to be a good marriage partner, but extra words about marriage will fill the gap. Whirring blender sounds
Because I was grieving the death of your 15 year old son and my talking to other women was just a poor coping skill. I believed it too. For about a week until I found out he’d been doing it for a long time since before my son died.
He’d be 17 today.
I am so sad and sorry to hear you lost your beloved son ChumpedCory and that the poor excuse of a husband was no support to you. Sending you love and hugs
ChumpedCory, I would like to join in the big hug CN is giving you today ❤️ Love to you and the spirit of your beautiful son!
tears are streaming down my face right now….
He is absolutely a monster. I am so sorry for your loss…
I’m so sorry. That’s terrible. All of it.
My cheater lost two brothers to suicide years ago. In explaining how he fell for this coworker, he told me that she remembered the anniversary of one of his brother’s deaths, and I didn’t. She said to him, “This must be a hard day for you.” And with that, he fell into her arms.
For a couple weeks, I felt so guilty that I’d forgotten the anniversary. So entranced was I in this 35-year marriage that I actually did blame myself. Then I read Leave a Cheater; Gain a Life and screwed my head back on straight.
Using a loved-one’s death to justify infidelity is sickening.
I doubt she spontaneously “remembered” the anniversary. More likely he was using his brother’s death all along as a sad sausage ploy leading up to the date itself, saying all the emotional things he wasn’t saying to you.
Using a brother’s death as a prong– FOG the faithful spouse and hand the rescuer cover rationale to a poacher.
I suspect it was him who felt too little about his brother. Heinous.
Wow, insightful. They do love the victim role, don’t they? Especially if it gets them an AP.
*entrenched
you need to run so fast away from this man. he is dangerous. using grief as a get out of jail card and it being a lie is the lowest of the low. I’m so sorry for your loss. power to you and a big hug <3
ChumpedCory – man, that is the worst. Evoking your son in his defense is really a lack of character and integrity. Hugs.
Sending you great big hugs today. As a mom who also lost my youngest son at fourteen, birthdays and anniversaries suck the most. Please be gentle with your self today, and know you are in my prayers.
I’m in that very special chump + dead child club too.
She’s be 20 next week, killed by a unsecured falling soccer goalpost when she was three.
So I got:
“It had been three years since our daughter died, there was no connection between us and I felt I had no choice.”
That was three years that had begun with watching her die (it hit me too actually, minor head wound), a coronial inquest, two more babies, a public awareness campaign and lobbying relevant govt departments so it wouldn’t happen again (turns out it wasn’t a “freak” accident and other kids had died or been injured).
So he began what became over 10 years of gay clubs and straight hookers and lots of porn when youngest was a few months old.
Oh and just one more line from him (there really are too many):
“I know you won’t understand, but my body just needed it. I’m a fundamentally honest man, I only lied to one person, and it was only about my activities in the sexual realm, and they were only lies of omission.”
Now he’s merrily with a woman who used to be my close friend – in her dead husband’s bed less than a year after Dday. Because of course she understands him!! So long suckers. Ha! Loving my life now – meh is truly wonderful.
Mamameh…
I was so happy to read your last line but so sickened by the betrayal you endured. The joy you get from life now has been EARNED.
HellofaChump thank you.
Possibly the sweetest joy IS that which is earned through pain?
I read Bear is now asleep so many times. Truly heartbreaking. That mongrel bastard!
Ginger you take care too.
So sorry that you lost your son – a few of us here in chump nation who have really been through the wringer.
Ginger
Gosh I’m sorry to smash your illusions, and I guess u read it more than once bc you also have been through loss and grief. I’m sorry also for your loss.
Yep, he started fucking strange before that book was published. So there’s me being loving supporting wifey by his side on Kerrie Anne Kennelly, compass, good weekend, women’s weekly etc and he was feeling so pleased with himself – I was fantastic cake!
Can I ask you, did it ever strike you in reading it that he was self-absorbed? He was turned down by some publishers because the original manuscript was ALL about him – the one who did take it made him add stuff about me and our son. And take out some particularly nasty stuff about me.
Ugggh, I just listened to his 2007 Life Matters interview. What a diabolical mindfucker. Have you thought about writing your own book?
Mama meh
Can tell what country we’re from????????????
Absolutely it did-it was about him, everything else was secondary. My son died several years before:there were very few resources available at the time, but I used to watch the wiggles with my new baby and just cry. Bear Is Now Asleep struck a chord with me. My son’s father just ghosted me, so I moved to NZ and started again. Had a surprise baby at 42????????????
At no time did I feel sorry for your husband. He was clearly a narcissist (although I couldn’t have named him as that at the time)
We are warrior women and our children would be so proud of us❤️
Take care.
That is the lowest, most spine chilling, mortifying, sociopathic thing I’ve ever heard. For someone to dump lying blame on a person in grief and try to cut them off from genuine support is inconceivable. He missed his calling as a death squad commander or medieval torturer.
I’m so sorry for your loss and for the torment that was heaped on it. I wish him ill but I wish you every blessing in the world.
I got that also I agree- disgusting jerk. I’m so sorry. No one should have to go through what you have.
That’s battering mentality in a nutshell: “reduction of self punishment” via “altering character of victim.” It’s violence without the tangible and undeniable evidence of welts, bruises and broken bones.
That kind of mad hunt for any kind of excuse, no matter how absurd or perverse, proves he couldn’t find even a scrap of evidence of wrongdoing over the course of an entire marriage. Most of us have SOME actual flaws that could be jujitsu’ed into blame reversal with a bit of gymnastic logic, gross exaggeration and context-ectomy. But ChumpCory should probably be canonized by the pope as an infallible being.
I’ve very sorry for your loss. I’m glad the dick is no longer in your life. You don’t need that on top of everything else.
I hate this person. fuck that guy.
I am giving you everything good I have and I am so very sorry for the loss of your son.
ChumpedCory… my heart breaks for you — I’m so sorry for the loss of your precious son ????????????????
So sorry for the loss of your child. There really are no words. Hugs for you
I am so sorry for you. No one should have to go through such grief with such a despicable fuckhead.
Wow. I’m so sorry for the loss of your beloved son. A big hug to you and his beautiful spirit. You are so fortunate to be able to feel that deep connection and grief. I wish you great love and joy, in between all the tragedies in life that overwhelm and suck.
I had an acquaintance tell me all the horrible things her ex-husband cheater did to her and her son before and after they split. Then she said she understands why he did it: she had a miscarriage and he just wasn’t as strong as her and could not cope.
Yeah, before Chump Lady, I might have believed that malarkey too.
Oh my word, that he would exploit the death of his own son…??? Just speechless !!!
I am so, so, sorry that you went through all this… I hug you tight!!!
ChumpedCory – I am so sorry for your terrible loss.
((((Hugs))))
Birthdays are hard. I lost a son too. I hope you have a peaceful and kind to yourself way to mark the day. Do you have other children?
I am sorry for your loss. I am also sorry that your X used your son’s death as cover for his infidelity. I am sorry your grief was not honored and respected.
I hope you have found some measure of comfort, and that you have loving friends and family to support you. I wish you peace as you try to process the greatest loss that a person can experience. I am rooting for you.
I’m so sorry and I’m disgusted on your behalf that someone would use grief as a justification. I cannot imagine what that’s like.
Big hugs from afar.
They do that.
When I started figuring out the shitty situation- he yelled at me for interfering with his own demons. The secret email account was For “ connecting” with his deceased father…. he was writing in order to deal with his pain.
He made me feel so guilty and horrible…. his tears, almost broken heart due to my “ imaginary accusations “ – the whole show.
I think that was one of the most fucked up encounters ever.
ChumpedCory , my deepest condolences to you and your family .
We never got drunk together
You don’t like violence on TV
You get stressed before holidays
The best ones are always true!
What can I say, guilty as charged!
Is that ‘You get stressed before holidays because you are packing for yourself, possibly me, definitely the kids, making sure the bin is empty, the house is secure, someone is looking after the pets, printing out the boarding passes, shopping for toiletries, making sure the kids have something to do on the plane/in the car, ensuring the whole family has travel insurance (insert one million other jobs here). After you’ve probably booked and planned the whole thing anyway.
I remember as a kid when we’d go away my dad would be ‘ready to go’ and my mum would be doing these zillion things and he would start getting really impatient with her, I used to be furious with him then, I thought what a flaming cheek.
Ha ha, yep. That was about it! He did f-all and then was ready to go!
Bwahaha… yeah, such character flaws to be so amazing like that. 😉
Whirring blender sounds. That one particularly stumps me. WTH?
Yes, holidays were very stressful for me when I was married to him. Doing all the work by myself to make the holidays a lovely and memorable experience was utterly exhausting. I can actually enjoy them now.
Totally! I remember our last Thanksgiving together and how stressed out I was. He was working out of town so it was up to me to clean and get house ready for his arriving family. I begged that we just go eat Thanksgiving dinner at a restaurant- because our fridge had quit that week! He acted like this was such a stupid request and his family didn’t drive 7 hours to eat at a restaurant. But yet it was me who had to run to the grocery store on Thanksgiving because his dad didn’t like my pie choice, so I had to get another pie just for him. Glad to be rid of him & his family!
And who misses the large wet blanket they were? Nobody
“You’re so strong and independent, I didn’t think you needed all of me.”
“With him it’s like life on easy mode” (she was into video games at the time and like to play with all the “cheats” turned on.
[vomit]
Also, “I never had sex with him and you on the same day.” (Who cares and she was surely lying)
“I didn’t finish.” ???? Like that negates fucking someone else. POS!
My ex told me this on dday1. That should have been a red flag to the narcissism. I betrayed your trust and humiliated you but look i didn’t even get off so we can feel bad for each other. Look at me. Fucking bitch. 2nd DDay i was simply told after 1 child and 2 months shy of 9 years. You don’t deserve anything from me. I don’t have to tell you anything. Nothing but cold after that, except for the occasional front of friendliness and civility. CN taught me that its ok to not be friends with someone who betrays and abuses you. To this day she has never said sorry or given any explanation moved in with her AP and they are still going strong 2 years later. I wonder if i will ever taste anything again that doesn’t have a hint of rage or sorrow on it.
The cold shoulder really, really hurts. I felt so worthless. I didn’t feel that I had any value whatsoever. I wanted to die. Now I know without a doubt that it was never me and I just laugh when one of my sons tells me the stuff that the dick-ex is going through. I don’t have rage or sorrow anymore. I feel so much peace that I’m no longer dealing with any of the crap/gaslighting that he put me through. I may not be the smartest cookie out there (it took me an additional 4 years to get rid of the dick), but I’m at peace. You will understand some day that it’s not in their psyche to apologize, and even if they did, it wouldn’t be an apology. They justify their behavior. But you will find peace someday as well.
I appreciate that. I know logically that in time i will let go. Somedays i even find that she doesn’t preoccupy the entire day in my thoughts. I envy those who got the games or even the opportunity of pick me dancing. Pretty sure i wouldn’t have gone there when i found the AP getting dressed in bedroom just shook his hand and said I’m her husband. All i wanted was answers from her. I know now from reading here that no answer that her or anyone can give will make that hurt stop but it would feel nice not crave some form of validation from her that i am a good man or at least was a decent husband.
Oh my gosh!! How you didn’t flat out punch the SOB and backhand your ex is beyond me! I thank God now that I didn’t have my gun back then. I swear I probably would have shot them both. You’re one heck of a great man. I’ll validate you. You didn’t cheat. When you made your vows they were for life. The saying that got me through a lot of my angst (and that I stuck on my bathroom mirror) is, “Just because someone else doesn’t value you does not mean you have no worth.” You have worth. Fuckwits will never ever value a person for who (s)he is. They only value what you bring to them. When that’s not of enough value, they go with someone that they think can bring them something of higher value. The problem is them. Deep down. It’s who they really are and they can’t change…, no matter what counselor is available to try to make them see differently. You won because you don’t have to spend the rest of your life with a fuckwit. Now you learned the hard way, don’t seek validation from anyone else. Recognize your worth and that it doesn’t depend on anyone else to validate it.
nomar…wow..just..wow! They never cease to amaze . Like that’s some sort of conciliation prize ? !
Thanks and yes exactly! She seemed to think it was some badge of ethical standards.
Reminds me of that saying, “honor among thieves.”
Erm, the communicability of STDs endures past 24 hours.
What I heard is that he didn’t “see any infectiois lesions” on her hooha.
It’s like cheaters exist in an alternate universe where not just ethics but even cellular science adheres to different laws.
Adelante… Did he shine a flashlight up there and take swabs every time?
Ew.
My h Knew that the hookers were clean and healthy
How did you know? Have u seen their ( too many to count) health record?
I just knew
The guy has a PhD and two Masters.
????
I’ve told this before but here goes…
“I’ll be with you three or four days a week. I’ll mow the lawn, do the taxes and hang out with you guys (his family) for a bit. Then I’ll go to hers for a few days.”
Then there was,
“Well, YOU didn’t want to have sex the way I wanted it because when I tried it with you, you said you felt raped! So it’s all your fault. I have a lot of women who love what I do to them. I’m really good at it. You just don’t get it.”
Yes, it’s true. And yes… I have a good therapist! And yes-it’s abuse. And yes, I’m safe (now).
Stay mighty.
“I *have* a lot of women who love what I *do to them*”
Damn, I am glad he is your ex. And that you are ok, now.
Jeebus.
Agreed. I shuddered deep down into my bones when I read this one.
Am so glad you are safe.
All I got was
Remember the night you went to the cinema – well that broke me . That was the night we ramped it up .
????????????????????
How dare you go to the movies and ramping up his libido for extra marital sex. Of course it’s your fault!!!/s
I think this tops the list for LAMEST EXCUSE EVER!!
????????????????????
That is so dumb!! I’m laughing out loud! I’d put an emoji if I knew how to.
“I try so hard to be here and present for you and the kids… I needed something that is just for me.”
I’m sure the UBT would have a wonderful response here, all I have is… Whatever dude.
He should have taken up bowling like these other husbands of the chumps here. Oh wait! Not bowling with them makes you get cheated on as well. Idiots!
“My dad died when he was too young and never got to enjoy his life. So I think that’s why I am impulsive about what’s in front of me” (Insert barf emoji)
After DDAY1…“You gave me mixed signals if you wanted to be with me or not!”
Yes, poor thing. A vow to forsake all others, to cherish you until death is so very ambiguous.
He must have been so confused on your wedding day. The church, the fancy clothes, friends and family dressed in their Sunday best, photography, cake, toasts…
“Does this mean she wants me? I can’t tell.”
Shame on you for sending such mixed signals.
/sarcasm
Laughing out loud again!!
Also- the old “we didn’t speak the same love language!” (His was sex. Every day.)
LOL. “Love language”. What a psycho.
Oh my goodness! I also got “It is only a problem, if you make it a problem.” There you go, Chump Nation! The ultimate blameshift!
“The problem isn’t the problem, talking about the problem is the problem”–the old saw favored by cheaters and censoring dictatorial political regimes throughout history!
Dday#1 – “I hate your mother.” (She died 10 days later).
Dday#2 – two years to the day after dday #1 when confronted with his ‘excuse’ this time: “I dont know. Bored I guess.”
Good riddance MF!
My mother-in-law is a genuinely awful person and yes things can get a bit routine after years and years of marriage but this somehow never drove me to have unprotected sex with a coworker.
I’ve had plenty of opportunities, far more than he ever has and with much more appealing candidates. Sometimes in retrospect and in light of being betrayed, I wonder what would have happened if I’d gone for it but about two seconds into the head film I can see exactly how that crap turns out. Nope. Not an overlapper.
I honestly don’t get the appeal at all. Prospective poachers, even if attractive (mine were on the surface, his were really marginal), are deep down just skeavy and disgusting.
“I thought it was cool to get paid to f*ck on the clock (he was sleeping with his coworker during work hours).
“I was forced to leave our family because you wouldn’t let me leave for three years to have fun. I promised I would come back after three years”.
(I was working and raising three kids at the time 12 year old daughter and 10 year old twins)
This one makes me a bit queasy in my tummy. Leave for three years? And come back? Like you’d want him back? And your kids in that tender time of their life?
Mine said that he didn’t want to be living like this for the next five years. Kept mentioning he only had five years left and he didn’t want to live it like this. And that I liked old people stuff. And that he had a breakdown and realized he didn’t want to spend five more years with me. I asked him if he had cancer and just wasn’t telling me. Nope. Just selfish.
Yeah me watching an episode of Golden Girls on a lazy Saturday afternoon, earned me a snarl from the then that I was such an old lady. Also he couldn’t understand why I liked Fig Newton cookies bc those cookies are just for old people. Whatever they’re good and remind me of my deceased grandfather. I’d rather eat Fig Newtons and watch Golden Girls vs. drinking every weekend and only caring about Facebook friends & fantasy football.
Wondering if that “5 years” was the time in which he could take a high dose of Viagra without going blind? Maybe “five years” was the expiry date his dick which, for a dick-thinking individual, equates to life itself.
Apart from the fact I stacked the dishwasher all wrong, he thought I would be happy for him. The other one was “but that’s not who I am”! Kudda fooled me dude! Strikes me that’s EXACTLY who you are!
I thought I was the only who was supposed to be happy for my dumb ass ex. After he announced he was leaving for ho-worker honestly said this: ” If you and the kids love me you will be happy for me – I have finally found happiness”. 20 years, 3 kids and it took a whore who dumped him after both divorces were final to find happiness and now he wonders why none of us will speak to him…..
Oh yeah. He drove off to his new life, with the whore, leaving me to clean the house, carpets, etc on my own. Kissed me deeply and said “one day we will find our way back to each other.” And, “hope you can be happy for me.”
Fucktard. Cockwombling flaming arsehole.
????♀️????♀️????♀️ yep. Same kind of sentiment here, Whipped. Also 18 months. All conducted in our home and holiday home, with my childhood ‘friend.’ It caused such trauma and taint around meanings of home (safety, haven, love…) that some years later, I wrote my Masters thesis on the effects, emotions, identity and affect on home of intimate relationship challenge.
Fuckers.
Literal homewreckers.
And mine wanted me to be happy AND said we should feel bad for him because he had to leave the family home and it was hard for him to have to set up a new apartment for himself. Boohoo ????. He still rubs it in even though he lives in a luxury apartment decorated by his girlfriend – it’s more expensive than our mortgage and that makes him upset. ????
We have just never connected on a “soul level.”
Really? He will connect with the ‘soul’ of my shoe!
Yup. Mine said ‘I need someone that nourishes my soul’. Barf.
Because if you have a soul and you try to stick your dick into another woman that’s not your wife it makes you nauseous and want to vomit. These are not normal people, they are broken and only manifest that brokenness into their lives by projecting their fuckedupness on to all those around them.
So funny… that soul clause that means affairs are okay. 😉
“ I tried to stop, but I couldn’t “
Also, “I thought that after I retired I could put this all behind me.”
Three and a half years since DDay.
Divorce court in 18 days. We have 5 days scheduled.
Every cheater behavior described on this site has happened x10.
He wrote a full page of excuses. My favorite. “You stopped having dinner with me.”
“You stopped making effort – you haven’t done your make up and hair for weeks, you don’t wear sexy lingerie, you put weight on. Shes attractive and fun”
Thanks dickhead – I had 3 kids in 3 years because you wanted to just try again hoping you’d get a boy but ever so sorry I gained a few, stopped worrying about make up, rocked a mum bun and popped on the first bra I grabbed without thinking about you and your needs.
He was cheating on me while I was pregnant with our fifth baby, and left completely when she was a few weeks old (the others were ages 8/6/4/2 years old). When I asked, wailing, “WHY???” his response was “I was really hurt and didn’t know how to express it.” ????????
I want to hurt him
Ditto.
You don’t want to have to live with a guy that is that much of a selfish asshole for the rest of your life. Disgusting.
What a pathetic loser. I’m so sorry he did that to you.
The amount of “men” who walk away from women while they are pregnant or raising small children is sickening.
I hope my son never does it to a partner and I hope my daughter never has to go through what I went through. This is why I’m leaving.
Mine left the day after my son had eye surgery at 10 months old. He had been in the hospital almost his entire life by that point with oxygen issues. We even found him unresponsive in his crib once. The alarm went off alerting us. He left after this. Left me to deal with it all and to top it off, I found out I was pregnant. What a dumpster fire.
My ex said,
You had a stillborn
She lets me drink
She’s always happy (stoned and pissed)
She doesn’t want her kids
Its like a Shakespeare tragedy.
he’s incapable of the truth, chump lady is right.
She got pregnant according to fuckwit, shame about the sti then.
Apparently he sleeps at night, lack if brain cells I guess.
He was always the victim, of course and the excuses where endless. One of his best he blurted out one night while we were taking a walk. I remember his shaky voice and deep felt pain as he said “You don’t fold my underwear correctly….and you said you never will!”
‘Tis true, I refused to fold his underwear. After 20 years of constant critique I finally realized I could not live up to his expectations, whether folding his undies, or stacking the dishwasher to his standards. I gave up to give me peace. That’s why he went on a week long cruise with another women? Had to laugh at that one.
Wiener wiener chicken dinner …. pun intended! Great nation, we have a winner! Chumpedtothemax! ????????????????????????
What is it with the folded undies??! Mine told me early in our marriage that “When you don’t fold my underwear, I feel like you don’t love me” THAT is when I should have run.
OMG same PLUS I didn’t make his PB/J/banana sandwiches with enough LOVE.
because that’s how you show love, folding clothes and making sandwiches, not by being honest and committed like you promised. I never vowed to fold his clothes correctly. lol.
My first concrete hint of an affair beyond just my gut feeling was how much of a slob he had suddenly become.
It turned out that, among other gymnastic efforts to get him to displace his family, the AP (adulterous poacher) basically followed him around her apartment with a dustpan and broom when he’d make booty calls, even offering to come to our house and clean it when I was out of town with the kids visiting family.
Meanwhile because I wanted our sons to be married only once and not kicked to the curb for slobbishness (actually one of the surprising leading reasons women divorce men), all our kids have been trained from infancy to make their own beds, clean their own messes, fold their own clothes, wash dishes, water plants, etc. They will eventually learn to cook and everything else.
I had to be a stay-at-home mother for many years because of one of our son’s serious health issues. Despite the fact it was the hardest job I’ve ever had, I have no regrets. But I was damned if I was going to raise children who couldn’t adult just because mom was around and I wasn’t about to let dad be a disastrous role model. Everyone picks up their own pocket clutter. The end.
In retrospect I thought the AP’s desperate 1950s housewife audition was a bit comical. Also pretty political and sad. Until I lost interest in the idea, I used to imagine that, if she ever confronted me, I would scoff and say only one thing: “You actually cleaned the pee around the toilet??”
CBHN- anything to find fault so they can excuse their bad behavior. Folding clothes, stacking dishes, the stupidest things they whine about because they can’t find anything else. We do everything they ask to try to make them happy, if all they can find fault with is folding clothes, then I think we were doing a great job and they decided to be unhappy.
That’s the kind that want to crawl back into the womb and be taken care of with nary a thought of taking care of themselves. Adult responsibilities? Pffft. All they want are adult pleasures.
“I loved you too much for too long, and all the love just got used up”.
I mentally refer to this as the peak oil theory of relationships.
The cost of extraction got too high.
I’m a peak oil believer
????
I can’t stop laughing. You made my face hurt. Now I must betray you because you made me laugh too much and used up all my laughter.
“You didn’t put enough money away for retirement” “We got married too young” among other bullshit. But my favorite line was/is. “You were never supposed to find out”. Well, he wasn’t very smart, so I did find out. In fact, after finding out. I told EVERYONE. Especially the grown children.
Today I found out my husband started cheating on my very shortly after I was diagnosed with cancer. Though he did have some “indiscretions” prior to that which he never fully admitted. So I asked him if he has been doing this the whole time we were dating too. His reply “I don’t remember having sex with any other women before we got married” as if that was supposed to help me feel better. To which I replied “So then it was only after you took a vow to forsake all others that you decided to do this?!?!”
I am so sorry to hear that. What a low-life good for nothing creep. I hope that you are free and clear and soon living your best life.
The tough times are what usually flush out the weak. They don’t have the backbone to be of any support at all.
How are you now? How long has it been since your diagnosis? Are you still treating?
I got your basic excuses…”I haven’t been happy for a long time” (I had no idea of course), “I don’t believe in monogamy” (news to me as we had only been married for a year at that point, together for 8), “I want an open relationship”..blah blah blah.
But the real kicker was when he told me that I didn’t love him unconditionally because I wanted him to only be with me and that we didn’t own each other. Just. Wow.
Omg Fresh Batch!
Word. For. Word.
Wait, are (were?) we ACTUALLY married to the same man?!
“I divorced you in my mind 10 years ago.” (Really? News to me. Also: your acting is EXCELLENT.)
“I’ve been suffering for 21 years, trying to force myself to be monogamous, when I’m actually polyamorous.” (Interesting how he didn’t think of this until he started having an affair 18 months ago ????)
“I don’t want the label of ‘husband’ anymore. Then I just feel like the ‘cheating husband’. We don’t own each other. You just be you and I’ll just be me, and when we come together we can be two separate people together.”
“All I want is to be accepted for who I really am. I’m not going to hide it any more.” (Read: If you don’t accept my cheating ways as me just expressing my ‘non-monogamous nature’, then you don’t love me.”
Please give me hope and tell you that you managed to extract yourself from his toxicity? I am still stuck here with all of this and can’t figure out how on earth to get out. ????
Go talk to a lawyer! They will help you figure it out.
She said when she saw how small his penis was, she thought it wasn’t such a big deal. I wouldn’t care because it was so small.
No explanation then though why she kept it a secret of course.
Omg! The visual!!!!! ????????????????
This takes the cake!!! I can’t stop laughing!!! I hope that doesn’t offend you. How ridiculous!!!
Looking up, just got to tell you that last week I found out my now ex was cheating on me. Unfortunately I’ve been through this before. My parting words to him were” every time I eat a baby carrot I will think of you” lol his face went white and asked me later “does his dick really look like a baby carrot?”. I kept my sanity and humor alive even though this hurt me so…. trust and believe they truly suck! Xo sweet
A baby carrot hahahahahaha! put it away I wouldn’t be showing THAT to anyone!
“Every time I eat a baby carrot I will think of you”
Hahaha! I am crying/laughing at this!! ????????????
The tough times are what usually flush out the weak. They don’t have the backbone to be of any support at all.
How are you now? How long has it been since your diagnosis? Are you still treating?
Dang!!! Sorry for the double post! Weird placement.
But…. the AP had a small penis…. oh…. what a relief!!! No need to tell the hubs about the OMs small dick. Maybe it’s limp too, but that would be saying too much….
Wow. What a vapid and shallow dumb cow.
WTF !
Glad you are away from that terrible woman
God I hope you got that in writing in case mosquito man ever gets deposed.
Mosquito Man ????????????
The short list of blame shifting in no particular order:
You never had sex with anyone else. Did you want to try it with someone else now?????
Do you want to try swinging?????????
Those aren’t my pornography magazines (under my side of the mattress).
Do you want to tape us having sex?????
I did not give you an STI. We are very careful when we have sex. I don’t know why you got vaginal trichomoniasis. (I do!)????
I didn’t think they would bill my credit card for those calls (1.900.xxx.xxxx) ummm right!! You really think you’re talking to a girl too??? It could be a guy!! ????
I wasn’t trying to hide it. (Even though I did email her separately and deleted it from the sent email file. Sent OW announcements of special family events. OW even responded back! It was however in the deleted email file.) Marriage police special operations detective unit found the evidence. ????
I had a revenge affair. (Even though you didn’t have an affair. It just was my excuse. It made me feel better about cheating and not telling you.)????
I could keep going……….
Not so much a cheating excuse ….. but if she wasn’t cheating (and she denied cheating despite a mountain of evidence) then why come out with this this?
“I did think about suggesting that we stay together for appearances’ sake and for the sake of the children, but that we agree to an open marriage and that we see other people; but you are just not emotionally mature enough to make a relationship like that work, so we will have to get divorced.”
Ethical polyamorists would gasp in horror.
I’m not a polyamorist but I know several who practice radical transparency. This would not fly.
“…that we agree to an open marriage and that we see other people; but you are just not emotionally mature enough to make a relationship like that work.”
I’m sure cheater was just the glowing example of emotional maturity by cheating on you, lying about it, exposing you to STIs, gaslighting you, and blame shifting you….
Marissachump,
You missed the bit where she maturely trashed our finances, maturely stole from myself and our children, maturely drove our son to the point of self harm and maturely drove our youngest daughter to the point that she needed a year’s worth of therapy ….. and maturely did a million other unpleasant things that she lies about to this day.
We’re now divorced. She’s shacked up with her AP maturely drinking themselves to oblivion and maturely burning through her side of divorce settlement – as is her right.
The kids and I couldn’t be happier that she’s gone – as is our right – and I’m pretty sure that my emotional maturity is (and always was) just fine.
How patronising. I’m aghast that people think this, equating putting up with sharing the one you love with emotional maturity. I could never be poly…
“If it had been a two-week affair or two years [it was 2 1/2], you never would have forgiven me.”
So my inability to forgive was the real problem.????
Yep now Ex stating after his cheating confession “we’ll never get past this.” Just another part of the blame game, I’m so awful and unforgiving why even bother trying to salvage the marriage.
Well I forgave (tolerated abuse), reconciled and after I divorced the serial cheater my adult daughter stated that I never forgave him for cheating. I guess that’s the latest narrative.
Bingo!
I got this one too.
I was at fault because she knew I would never forgive her and always bring it up. I think there was a movie about this. People arrested for crimes they might commit in the future.
“ I was immature then “
He was 58
????????????????????????
Always room to mature.
“I’m finally taking ownership of my sexuality.”
As if, after 15 years of making my needs smaller and smaller to accommodate her, I ever had any ‘ownership’ of our sex life.
“I’m finally becoming the person I was always meant to be.”
Unbeknowst to her: her sense of entitlement guarantees that she was, and remains today, EXACTLY the person she was always meant to be
He never admitted to anything. He always insisted he was playing football, working extra hours, etc.
All I got was: “You need to find some hobbies.”
Lulu,
ex also wouldn’t admit to anything, the first time I confronted him ex said I had a vivid imagination and needed to “find a some hobbies”.
When he left he said, “we had nothing in common.” Together 25 years, married for 20.
He meets a woman on a treadmill in a hotel gym they have a conversation and he finds out she likes the cartoon South Park just like him. She likes to watch South Park and I don’t.
I still shake my head over what my ex said about OW.
I asked him, “Why her?” His response, “She does what I tell her to.”
My response, “She’s an employee! She’s supposed to do what you tell her to!”
Controlling much?
“Our marriage is great. The affair makes it even better.” (For him – cake eater dick).
So glad I divorced him! My walls are singing ❤️
“We were separated”
Huh? That was news to me!
These paragraphs were written by me, in my diary, as though spoken by the cheater. Starting with one of the most common. The description in the parentheses are my understanding of cheater thinking.
I love you but I’m not in love with you.
(Ever since i gave myself permission to lust after and then fuck my old girlfriend from 50 years ago. Such a coincidence! What? You think I should have put some love and effort into the marriage? What do you mean? I don’t understand.)
We grew apart.
(Sure we did. We grew apart after 32 years of marriage because I detached from you to justify pursuing the fuck woman. I treated you with such distain and contempt that you feebly tried to defend yourself, and then I could tell the whore that you were crazy, that we had ‘drifted apart.’)
I’ve been unhappy for 10 years. I’ve wanted to leave you for years.
(Since that old gf slut started emailing me and slathering me with praise, and we decided to meet for coffee and then lunch, I’ve come to see how bad my life with you is! Such a crappy existence, having fun with friends and family, travelling, golfing, skiing, hiking. I never realized how rotten it all was until the whore got my dick to rise up! (But only for a short time) She smiles at me all the time and agrees with me all the time. We have so much in common from the 1970’s! We are so perfect together! We should never have broken up 45 years ago, even though we fought all the time and had totally different goals!)
She is my soul mate.
(She is always happy to see me (like a dog) and is content seeing me for a two hour visit or fuck once a week or every two weeks as long as i message her a couple of times a day. I love how my wife is completely duped and I can send messages to my fuck mate while my wife and I watch tv together in the evening! Also it’s so great how my wife makes arrangements for dinners and outings on the weekends and I can pretend what a great family man I am!) (Whore, shut up! I’m busy on the weekends and can’t see you! I’m really trying to leave my wife but it’s so hard! I’m working on it!)
We have nothing in common anymore.
(You like shopping and i don’t. I like violent/action movies and you don’t. Those are the two main reasons I am leaving you…when it’s convenient for me to do so. Also you tidy the house before we have visitors. It’s criminal!
Our 4 children, our many family holidays and gatherings, our travels together, our home, our friends… our skiing, hiking, golf, books….all non existent. Conveniently vanished from memory, or at least dimly remembered but who cares!)
You would like the OW if you met her. She’s a good person.
(She’s just like you except she’s had 3 husbands already plus a live in abusive boyfriend when her three girls were young. I would be the fifth or sixth partner but again, who cares if she’s cheating on her current husband. She says he’s boring!! She loves me now and I am so special!. I know you would get along so well.)
We are two good people on different paths.
(The cheating, lying, abusive path, vs the loyal spouse for 32 years path. I really am good, really. I’m good at lying now. I’m very good at deception and leading a double life. No one knows except the whore! She’s cheating on her husband too! How great is that! I am incredible! More than that, I am actually fabulous!!)
I need to be happy and you will not be happy if i am unhappy the whole time.
(I will treat you as though i hate you and have utter contempt for you until you kick me out and i can totally blame you for the marriage breakdown. Because you are too stupid and will never find out that I am cheating on you and have been for years. My plan is to produce the whore just after we separate as though we had just met! No one will guess I have been cheating! I am actually brilliant,)
I hope you don’t spend too much on lawyers.
(I see you bent over in anguish, crying because of the shock and trauma of my sudden and vicious betrayal of you, but all I really care about is how much of my money you spend. I’ve listed our assets and don’t want to have to redo the balance sheet to reflect expensive lawyers. Besides that, I want you to just roll over and let me have my fuck toy and playmate! Don’t irritate me with long drawn out divorce proceedings!)
The children will all get over it in time.
(It’s all about me, me, Me! The 4 adult children don’t matter as long as I am happy with the whore. I am pretty sure they will come to see how fabulous she is even though their Mom has broken down completely. The whore tells me the kids will be fine in a couple of weeks and I believe her.)
I feel nothing for you.
(I will just pack a few of these clothes you washed and folded, (btw, thanks for lunch) rush off to fuck the whore in a hotel for a couple of hours and I should be back in time for dinner. What are we having? People are coming over? I’ll pick up some wine on the way home!)
We are two good people on different paths.
(On one hand I have a faithful wife, drudging away at her wifely duties, including always staying in touch with the kids, staying in touch with my family because I can’t be bothered to, and making social arrangements, looking after the household, believing in the integrity of and trusting me, her husband. On the other hand I am a cheating, lying fuckwit who does nothing around the house, who goes to work and visits the whore on the way there or on the way back. Who also visits the whore, for example, when my wife volunteers in the community, spends the day with friends, when she waits at home for me on our anniversary (extra thrilling to me), and that is just the tip of the iceberg. I am Mr. Fabulous for getting away with it for so long!)
My story too! And I thought no one else could have gone through what I went through. You’ve encapsulated it perfectly.
It’s quite frightening how alike they all are. There’s an excuse for everything.
Ironwood,
This is so well written. I also think I should do this same kind of writing exercise in my journal. Here are some thoughts on what you wrote:
1. Your cheater TRULY sucks. So does mine. Heck, they all do.
2. I could have written so much of this. Same guy. I swear. Some minor differences: Mine was a 35-year marriage. They slept in our bed (hotels, too) but the marital bed was thrilling, I’m sure, plus an at-home roll in the hay saved him some $$.
3. He never said he felt nothing for me. He said he still loved me. I think your cheater was probably less of a coward. The bar is low here.
4. The adult children delusional thinking applies to my STBX, too. His AP cheated on her spouse and divorced a year after she and my STBX started the affair (on my STBX’s birthday!!! What a present!). Her kids (still in late teens) never left her, so I guess she convinced my STBX that his well-into-adulthood children would forgive him. Faulty logic. They haven’t. It’s been 8 months. Years of emotional abuse isn’t easily forgiven. Plus, he’s a pathological liar. (Note: I also wonder what his therapist told him. I have a hunch he never shared that he was an emotionally abusive SOB, so the therapist, too, probably thought that the kids would come around after a few months of putting him in the dog house. Surely, in time, the kids would excitedly want to meet this new woman who made their daddy SO happy.
5. My STBX is a doc (now retired) and she’s a much-younger nurse. He said that they “bonded over taking care of sick patients.” Oh, and she said she “got wet” whenever she saw his car in his parking place. But but it was all about the sick patients. Really.
6. Oh, and he was worried about my legal fees. He got a cheap lawyer. I didn’t. Did I say he isn’t that smart?
Writing has been my saviour. On a scale of 1 to 10, being cheated on when you are totally unaware and trust someone implicitly has got to be about 100. Way off the scale.
The absolute worst was the FWit telling me that the reason he didn’t think of himself as a cheater (3 years of hiding his relationship) was that his mother told him that he was responsible for his own happiness. It followed, in his mind, that planning to abandon his family and run off with his ‘soulmate’ was just being responsible for his happiness. His mother was a kind, morally sound woman who would never in a million years condone cheating. However, she did raise a very entitled and self centred son.
Now, I hate the words ‘soulmate’ and ‘happiness‘. Somehow they have a different meaning than they used to.
OMG! Effed up logic on his part. The definition of entitled thinking.
Now that you mention it, my STBX would say the same thing about happiness. “You have to make your own happiness,” which is true, but not at the expense of others or your vows. (Also, his mother is a flaming narcissist, so acorn/tree and all that.) Just curious, did your MIL support your cheater when this all went down?
Til I’m blue in the face, I will repeat that it’s not the desire to be with another woman that’s the problem or “growing apart,” it’s the betrayal and lying. These cheaters need to “man up/woman up” and ask for either marriage counseling or a divorce before fooling around and finding their “soulmates” and gd “happiness.”
It goes without saying that the chump’s happiness never factors in????.
Miss Nurse is definitely after him for the money. I know someone that had it in her head she was going to marry a rich doctor one day. She did, he’s 18 years older. She pursued him with everything she had, but at least they were both single.
My cheater had to cheat because he was spending SO MUCH TIME being his little brother’s care-taker, that he forgot that he wasn’t suppose to cheat on his wife.
His little brother.
The para-Olympic athlete.
And extreme sports spokesperson.
Who lived 2,500 MILES away.
You can’t make this shit up.
Oh, here’s another one: “I was tired of needing porn.”
From the same man who later said, “You know neither of us will ever have better sex than we had with each other.” SMH.
Oh, and the same man who said (after D-Day), “Could we get back together in, say, 3 years.”
It’s abusive. I know.
I didn’t know you loved me this much, she paid attention to me. after 28 years together and 3 kids, death, trauma, teens ,mental illness at varying points with family members, no money.. fat, skinny, job loss.. seriously ???? CHEATERS SUCK!
Isn’t it amazing how decades adulting together mean nothing and but the fantasy of the accomplice is the real deal.
Yes, decades of life’s challenges, children, job loss, support, sacrifice, loyalty mean nothing.
All those years of shared memories, building a life together are so easily replaced by new and shiny without a second thought.
I got “it was just a f*** you to you for not respecting me.”
Yep way to earn some respect. ????
(The following is a synopsis of what occurred)
“I had contacted her on Match before I met you and we’d arranged a date. She had a car wreck the day before the date and it was put off until she felt better. I immediately sought you out for my next supply and after a few months of my extreme love bombing, you asked me to move in with you. In the middle of my moving in, out of the blue, she contacted me.
I felt I still owed her the date so I took her out (in your car) and gave her the impression I was not involved with anyone, including fucking her.”
“You told me that I wasn’t your ‘person’ anymore, and that hurt me to my core. That’s not what marriage is supposed to be.”
Mind you – this was months into fake reconciliation. Yes, I did say that to him – after d-day #2, when I found all of the texts and love letters between him and his newest OW/also-married coworker. Along with screenshots of houses they were planning to buy in MD (we live in TX), and plans for her kids and my son to “bunk in the same room because that will be so fun for them.”
So yeah, he wasn’t my “person” anymore.
Why, I asked? She owed him $180 for working on her car (he is a mechanic) and he made the video to prove it wasn’t rape.
So he’s ok with just victimizing woman in general…
What a pig.
OMG!!!!!!