Hi Chump Lady,
Thanks so much for your blog that always keeps me on track.
I have been no contact for 6 months. The peace has been amazing. A few days ago I had to have contact. He found out I had filed for divorce 6 months ago and knew the date it would be final. He said he was in “full agreement and would be filing his own affidavit to give full consent.” Then he wanted to engage in back and forth small talk (via text). I complied, wanting to keep it amicable between us, and naively thinking he actually cared about where I lived and what I was doing.
I said I had to go at one point, as I was parked by the side of the highway with trucks rushing past. This didn’t seem to bother him and he said surely I could keep texting for a bit.
Then came the attached texts I have sent you. I was gobsmacked. He had the audicity to expect me to send him explicit photos and messages, in exchange for him sending me spousal support. (He claims he will send me some each week until I “remarry.” He’s claimed that all along, but this is the first time he’s sent any in over 6 months).
I can’t afford a lawyer and there’s nothing I would get in a settlement anyway. Long story, but he’s not the IRS’s best friend, put it that way. My best hope is that he sometimes sends some money like he says.
But, back to the texts. How do I get over feeling so worthless that he would dare ask me something so degrading? What’s more, how could he possibly be so deluded to think I would say yes? Furthermore, how could he genuinely think I am that stupid (or was it actually a thinly veiled pre-planned attack at abusing my worth)?
Dear Sickened Chump,
I think I speak for all of Chump Nation when I say:
Wow. Nothing says “he cares” like extortion.
He didn’t mean it like that? He explicitly prefaced his horse shit with: “SINCE I’M GOING TO HELP YOU FINANCIALLY…”
Holy Quid Pro Quo! Yeah, that’s exactly what he meant, and you turned him down like a champ. Now, shields up, and return to total no contact.
This guy has the entire internet to jerk himself off to. You aren’t his personal Porn Hub. I think his interest is purely nefarious. A). He’s getting off on the power dynamic of you needing him for something. (Oh really? He’s just now SIX MONTHS LATER waking up to the fact you’re divorcing him?) B). Degrading you gives him a hard on. C). He can share those pictures for his fun or profit. D). Revenge porn. You need a settlement? He needs leverage.
This disgusting situation is exactly why you need a lawyer. I don’t know Australian divorce laws, I hope some Oz chumps will weigh in, but there must be legal aid societies and women’s shelters who can help liberate you from this fuckwit.
there’s nothing I would get in a settlement anyway. Long story, but he’s not the IRS’s best friend, put it that way.
All the more reason you need a lawyer! So you’re not on the hook for his debts! Please check in with your tax agency about how you can indemnify yourself. Also, you don’t know what you’re entitled to as a settlement. Don’t take his word for it — he is a shady fuckwit.
My best hope is that he sometimes sends some money like he says.
NO. Your best hope is to be RID OF HIM with a permanent legal binding settlement. Hoping he’ll fling the occasional fiver at you is pure hopium. It keeps his pervy ass in your life. You do NOT want to give him ANY excuse or opportunity to contact you.
Then he wanted to engage in back and forth small talk (via text). I complied, wanting to keep it amicable between us,
You cannot “nice” a freak into a settlement. Ask a few million chumps how they know. It is not now, nor will it ever be, amicable between you. It’s just OVER between you.
and naively thinking he actually cared about where I lived and what I was doing.
That’s your hopium talking. It’s also the idiot voice that whispers to you to trust that he’ll send money. If he CARED he would not have cheated. If he CARED, he would voluntarily SHARE YOUR MARITAL ASSETS. What’s his is yours, legally. This isn’t alms for the poor! You are his legal WIFE. He clearly doesn’t give a shit about how you’ve been supporting yourself these last 6 months. He doesn’t care now.
What does he care about? Getting his dick hard. That’s it.
How do I get over feeling so worthless that he would dare ask me something so degrading?
Sweetie, you are not worthless. HE is worthless! How dare he ask you something so degrading? As I outlined above, he gets off on it. He’s a user. Don’t measure yourself by the opinion of fuckwits. Just because he has confused you with with one of his jizzed up tissues, doesn’t mean you’re trash. It means HE is trash.
What’s more, how could he possibly be so deluded to think I would say yes?
That’s untangling the skein. Who knows the ways of fuckwits?
The important thing to remember with these freaks is be a cipher. Show no vulnerability. Show nothing. The more they know, the more material they have to manipulate you with. Naked pictures would be a bonanza for this guy, but also don’t tell him where you’re living, or working, or what you ate for breakfast. NOTHING.
You don’t have a criminal freak mind. Trust the collective wisdom here, NO CONTACT.
Furthermore, how could he genuinely think I am that stupid (or was it actually a thinly veiled pre-planned attack at abusing my worth).
He probably does genuinely think you are stupid. Fuckwits underestimate everyone. It’s one of the fundamental chump/cheater laws of physics. You WILL be underestimated. Fuckwits project their stupidity. You trusted. It’s what normal, bonding people do. You played by the rules of civility. When cheaters steal from trusting chumps, they interpret getting away with it as proof of their cleverness. It’s just proof of their transgressive nature, NOT your stupidity.
And really, who cares what he thinks? He can think you’re a baked potato, so long as he stays the fuck away from you.
Sickened chump, forward march with the divorce. Lawyer up and block his number. ((Hugs))