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He’ll Send Support If She’ll Send Naked Pictures

Hi Chump Lady,

Thanks so much for your blog that always keeps me on track.

I have been no contact for 6 months. The peace has been amazing. A few days ago I had to have contact. He found out I had filed for divorce 6 months ago and knew the date it would be final. He said he was in “full agreement and would be filing his own affidavit to give full consent.” Then he wanted to engage in back and forth small talk (via text). I complied, wanting to keep it amicable between us, and naively thinking he actually cared about where I lived and what I was doing.

I said I had to go at one point, as I was parked by the side of the highway with trucks rushing past. This didn’t seem to bother him and he said surely I could keep texting for a bit.

Then came the attached texts I have sent you. I was gobsmacked. He had the audicity to expect me to send him explicit photos and messages, in exchange for him sending me spousal support. (He claims he will send me some each week until I “remarry.” He’s claimed that all along, but this is the first time he’s sent any in over 6 months).

I can’t afford a lawyer and there’s nothing I would get in a settlement anyway. Long story, but he’s not the IRS’s best friend, put it that way. My best hope is that he sometimes sends some money like he says.

But, back to the texts. How do I get over feeling so worthless that he would dare ask me something so degrading? What’s more, how could he possibly be so deluded to think I would say yes? Furthermore, how could he genuinely think I am that stupid (or was it actually a thinly veiled pre-planned attack at abusing my worth)?

Thanks,

Sickened chump

The texts:

Dear Sickened Chump,

I think I speak for all of Chump Nation when I say:


Wow. Nothing says “he cares” like extortion.

He didn’t mean it like that? He explicitly prefaced his horse shit with: “SINCE I’M GOING TO HELP YOU FINANCIALLY…”

Holy Quid Pro Quo! Yeah, that’s exactly what he meant, and you turned him down like a champ. Now, shields up, and return to total no contact.

This guy has the entire internet to jerk himself off to. You aren’t his personal Porn Hub. I think his interest is purely nefarious. A). He’s getting off on the power dynamic of you needing him for something. (Oh really? He’s just now SIX MONTHS LATER waking up to the fact you’re divorcing him?) B). Degrading you gives him a hard on. C). He can share those pictures for his fun or profit. D). Revenge porn. You need a settlement? He needs leverage.

This disgusting situation is exactly why you need a lawyer. I don’t know Australian divorce laws, I hope some Oz chumps will weigh in, but there must be legal aid societies and women’s shelters who can help liberate you from this fuckwit.

there’s nothing I would get in a settlement anyway. Long story, but he’s not the IRS’s best friend, put it that way.

All the more reason you need a lawyer! So you’re not on the hook for his debts! Please check in with your tax agency about how you can indemnify yourself. Also, you don’t know what you’re entitled to as a settlement. Don’t take his word for it — he is a shady fuckwit.

My best hope is that he sometimes sends some money like he says.

NO. Your best hope is to be RID OF HIM with a permanent legal binding settlement. Hoping he’ll fling the occasional fiver at you is pure hopium. It keeps his pervy ass in your life. You do NOT want to give him ANY excuse or opportunity to contact you.

Then he wanted to engage in back and forth small talk (via text). I complied, wanting to keep it amicable between us, 

You cannot “nice” a freak into a settlement. Ask a few million chumps how they know. It is not now, nor will it ever be, amicable between you. It’s just OVER between you.

and naively thinking he actually cared about where I lived and what I was doing.

That’s your hopium talking. It’s also the idiot voice that whispers to you to trust that he’ll send money. If he CARED he would not have cheated. If he CARED, he would voluntarily SHARE YOUR MARITAL ASSETS. What’s his is yours, legally. This isn’t alms for the poor! You are his legal WIFE. He clearly doesn’t give a shit about how you’ve been supporting yourself these last 6 months. He doesn’t care now.

What does he care about? Getting his dick hard. That’s it.

How do I get over feeling so worthless that he would dare ask me something so degrading?

Sweetie, you are not worthless. HE is worthless! How dare he ask you something so degrading? As I outlined above, he gets off on it. He’s a user. Don’t measure yourself by the opinion of fuckwits. Just because he has confused you with with one of his jizzed up tissues, doesn’t mean you’re trash. It means HE is trash.

What’s more, how could he possibly be so deluded to think I would say yes?

That’s untangling the skein. Who knows the ways of fuckwits?

The important thing to remember with these freaks is be a cipher. Show no vulnerability. Show nothing. The more they know, the more material they have to manipulate you with. Naked pictures would be a bonanza for this guy, but also don’t tell him where you’re living, or working, or what you ate for breakfast. NOTHING.

You don’t have a criminal freak mind. Trust the collective wisdom here, NO CONTACT.

Furthermore, how could he genuinely think I am that stupid (or was it actually a thinly veiled pre-planned attack at abusing my worth).

He probably does genuinely think you are stupid. Fuckwits underestimate everyone. It’s one of the fundamental chump/cheater laws of physics. You WILL be underestimated. Fuckwits project their stupidity. You trusted. It’s what normal, bonding people do. You played by the rules of civility. When cheaters steal from trusting chumps, they interpret getting away with it as proof of their cleverness. It’s just proof of their transgressive nature, NOT your stupidity.

And really, who cares what he thinks? He can think you’re a baked potato, so long as he stays the fuck away from you.

Sickened chump, forward march with the divorce. Lawyer up and block his number. ((Hugs))

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • First thing in my mind was this is a power play, in the sense that he wants to show her that he has power over her. Sure there might be a bit of a thrill in getting her to comply but who knows what he would then do with those pictures. He obviously gets off on trying to degrade her. Stay sane and stay away from him!

  • “This disgusting situation is exactly why you need a lawyer. I don’t know Australian divorce laws, I hope some Oz chumps will weigh in, but there must be legal aid societies and women’s shelters who can help liberate you from this fuckwit.”

    Australian divorce law is very straightforward; it’s no fault, marriage has broken down, you don’t need to prove anything else, and it’s 50/50 on the assets, especially easy if there’s no kids involved.

    If you are Australian, and you were married in Australia, go to Legal Aid in your nearest city. The hardest part is the financial settlement between you. Try here: https://www.probonocentre.org.au/legal-help/legal-aid/

    Use this website to get the information you need about the divorce process: http://www.familycourt.gov.au/wps/wcm/connect/fcoaweb/family-law-matters/separation-and-divorce/divorce/divorce

    If you send him pictures, he might be able to argue that your separation – which you need to establish legally – hasn’t begun yet, because you’re still sending him sexy photos. THIS could really hold up the divorce. Like the website says:

    “You can apply for a divorce in Australia if either you or your spouse:

    regard Australia as your home and intend to live in Australia indefinitely, or
    are an Australian citizen by birth, descent or by grant of Australian citizenship, or
    ordinarily live in Australia and have done so for 12 months immediately before filing for divorce.

    You need to satisfy the Court that you and your spouse have lived separately and apart for at least 12 months, and there is no reasonable likelihood of resuming married life. It is possible to live together in the same home and still be separated.”

    DON’T SEND THE PICTURES.

    And have a bath and a shower and a shampoo and an enema. And get some legal aid, ASAP.

    • This is the kind of help I LOVE to see … direct links provided! Thank you, Lola Granola, for your wisdom and kindness!

      Best of luck to you, Sickened Chump! 💜

    • It’s not necessarily 50/50. There are 4 parts to the family law act in division of assets, 1-initial contributions 2-contributions during the relationship (usually this is taken as 50/50). 3-future needs 4-is the settlement equitable. The settlement must answer those 4. My friend got 80/20 her way bc her Fuckwit was a lazy shit. With regards legal help legal aid is almost impossible to get but there are women’s legal centres in each state that are free to access. Also Relationships Australia does free mediation & can help with consent orders which can be lodged without a lawyer through the family court . https://www.relationships.org.au/

      • Yes not always 50-50 division of assets. Ex brought more Superannuation(retirement funds) into the relationship and even though I paid more in other ways that was not relevant so he was entitled to more in the division of assets.

        • Yes – I should have clarified – 50/50 is the starting point.

          If you can’t afford a lot of lawyering, our Chump should at least be assured that she is legally entitled to half, and start from there.

          I am still not clear if there are minor children involved, which can tip the balance.

    • Lola is wise!

      In addition to what she said: several states, including my own Queensland, have free Community Legal Services that can help you. I strongly recommend the Women’s Legal Service for Queenslanders. https://wlsq.org.au/ They can give you free advice, look over documents for you etc. They only work for women snd only do family law advice.

      There are a network of services that work with women on family law issues. You can find more information here: http://www.wlsa.org.au/

      Be careful about property division. You only have one year after your divorce to bring an action. Don’t forget that superannuation can be divided, so you could end up with some of his (or he could end up with some of yours, which is what happened to me).

      If you have kids, definitely get legal advice. Check outthe Child Support Agency for child support information and to apply, if the kids live with you. The CSA is here: https://www.servicesaustralia.gov.au/individuals/child-support

      In addition, some law firms will defer payment until you have a property division. Mine was a negotiated settlement and the total lawyer cost was under $2000, though I did the negotiating myself.

    • Thanks for all the legal advice, fellow Aussie chumps. My situation is a bit more complicated though, in ways I can’t go into here.

  • I’ve just threw up in my mouth

    What a freak !! I’m so sorry he’s treated you like this .

    I think it was CL herself said
    Some money is to expensive to go after .

    If you can manage without his money cut all contact .

    If you can’t please seek legal advise and ask to come up with a payment plan . I’m sure there must be some legal services available to you

    Good luck

  • ” He had the audicity to expect me to send him explicit photos and messages, in exchange for him sending me spousal support.”

    The question of spousal support is a matter for the Family Court of Australia, and part of your financial settlement.

    I don’t think you’ll find that they will mandate the sending of masturbation aid photos as part of a financial settlement.

    Thank God for no fault divorce. I never thought I’d say that, but I’m saying it.

  • AND STOP TEXTING. Stop chatting. Stop anything. You don’t sound like you have kids, so go back to the world of No Contact, and you will get your peace back.

    You can and will recover from this bump in the road, but I hope this has consolidated your drive to divorce this piece of shit.

    Do you need to see a counsellor? I don’t know what city you’re in, but go and see Relationships Australia. They have a sliding scale of very affordable fees, and they might be able to see you as an individual; I’m not sure what their protocol is.

    You could also try this service: https://www.familyrelationships.gov.au/talk-someone

    • Great advice Lola. Aussie chump here Sickened – there are a few on the Facebook group or you can join the Reddit group if you prefer to remain anonymous. You’ve done a great job beng no contact for 6 months, 6 more to go as I assume you have applied and need to be physically separated for 1 year and 1 day before you can apply and the divorce is granted 31 days following that. Read the links, him asking for explicit photos and making financial help contingent is abuse and comes under family violence. You say there isn’t much but you really should line up your ducks, you are entitled to half the assets at least and half of his super. CL is right make sure you are not liable for his irs debts. Seek legal aid, I assume you don’t have kids together so there should be just a financial agreement to be made. If you can work then spousal support is unlikely unless there is a significant disparity in your income or net future earnings. The links provided give some good guidance so instead of contacting him, read up and line up your ducks. Block him but keep the texts as evidence of his abuse. Let us know what state you are in and I can try and put you in touch with local chumps. You have an amazing fuckwit free life ahead of you, spend your time and energy making that a reality

    • What Lola Granola said. ESPECIALLY SEND NO PHOTOS. But don’t communicate casually at all, it can make separation hard to prove and could set back your divorce. Important when considering debts and assets at time of separation. From my experience in 2017-18, I found Legal Aid impossible to access. But the total fees of $6698.45 (financial separation and completed divorce) I paid for a family lawyer was the best money I ever spent. I gathered all the financial and asset info and she put together the financial separation agreement. This also covered a 50-50 custody arrangement for our 14 year old child. If he wants to argue he has to secure his own legal representation. You don’t ever have to talk to your ex (unless you have to go to mediation – and your lawyer is with you there). Your ex’s lawyer communicates with your lawyer. 12 months after date of separation you ask your lawyer to apply for a divorce. They send you the completed document Child Services assesses and collects child maintenance from my ex and forwards it to me. You do not need to have any contact with your ex. His interesting taxation arrangements are not your problem and you do not have to shield him. Get free as soon as you can. lawyer up and do the thing.

    • Yes. And public service announcement, the “Is this real?” comments insult everyone — the person whose problem this is, who is sharing it and probably feels vulnerable — and me, that I cannot discern trolling. This is a support community. If you could only see the letters I get. Everyone feels like Freak of the Week when they get chumped. If you don’t think revenge porn, or these sorts of requests aren’t real, go look at the very real legislation around them.

      • Thank you for this level of consideration. I was overwhelmed by the horrid freaky stuff because I was ashamed to share it. But it is so liberating to see other’s moral horror, which reverses the gaslighing. To know we’re not the only ones who got stuck in something horrid. Being sickened feels weak, but it isn’t. Just a lot of poisoned wells these days.

        • Totally agree. The validation is very healing after living in a toxic well for a over a decade.

      • Tracy,

        I am really glad you posted this as my husband, soon to be x husband kept asking me for nude pics. This was when I was doing the pick me dancing, and I am ashamed to admit that I capitulated. I am mortified now and am so glad that this subject has been brought into the sphere of our consciousness.

        I feel ashamed but know that I loved my husband. I was never vulgar, and now I know the truth. He was degrading me for his own pleasure and enjoying humiliating. This has been devastating for me. But, I forgive myself.

        I am now divorcing and it is turning into a nightmare, but it is a necessary evil. Thank God for this sight which shares the “real deal”.

        • Me too Geniebobenie. I’m worried that they’ll end up on some revenge porn site With my contact details. When I kicked him out I asked for them to be removed but he refused to let me look at his devices for proof. But naked pics is very small fry to the way he degraded me sexually throughout the marriage. And I’m not talking about cheating here. They really are sick fucks.

        • I think there are a lot of us out there. What makes me mad too is he always knew something like that was totally out of my character. Which made it all the more degrading to ask me. If anyone is reading this and has been asked a similar thing by a boyfriend or husband, don’t degrade yourself. These pigs literally keep a collection of all the women they degrade in this way, their own personal porn albums. It’s the modern version of putting another notch on their belt. They think they are studs, but they are really pathetic losers who get off on demeaning and subjugating women. Disgusting.

        • Kathleen – it’s understood what you meant. Some of the things these f%*kers come up with are so off the wall, it’s sometimes unbelievable.

        • When I first came to CL, I was gobsmacked by some of the stories I read. Go back and read the early archive. There are some classics.

  • “… since it’s not a sin in anyway …”

    So he’s a Jesus-cheater to boot? “God says it’s ok …”

    This pathetic invertebrate isn’t merely what you get when you scrape the bottom of the barrel of humanity — he’s the diseased wood that you find underneath.

    • Thanks, this comment helped break the last link in the chain, Tracey’s post and all your comments have. Gave me the perspective that I need. I was forced to live in his sick, perverted, dark world for years. Things too shameful to even tell friends. You felt polluted just by the association. The by product was I had to live without anyone else’s input regarding his degrading behaviour. Then on top of it he would make me feel shame for daring to think he was monster, or if I ever suspected him of evil things. But yes, I was right. He IS the lowest of the low.

  • Find an attorney. That is extortion and it just may help you out. Plus you don’t want to be on the hook for any of his tax woes.

    Lawyerlawyerlawyerlawyerlawyer!

    And for the love of all that you hold dear – don’t have any further contact, particularly with photos.

    Trust that he sucks. I mean, really REALLY sucks!

  • How do I VIOLATE thee? Let me count the ways.

    I read something here that feels like it’s the basement, there can’t be anything more base, more low, and then like the magic helmet in the video game, a chump letter arrives in the mail to transport us all to a lower level we didn’t know existed.

    I think of self-improvement and character like a video game. There’s no finish line or graduation; there’s just promotion to a new level. The levels are endless and I get promoted upward based on my sincere positive efforts until I leave the planet.

    Conversely, cheaters are determined to keep digging downward toward hell, achieving lower and lower energy levels of existence, thinking they’ve hit pay dirt every time they hurt somebody.

    I used to rock climb in the 90’s. My therapist was a rock climbing instructor and encouraged me to get into the sport. You need a very good climbing partner, especially on multi-pitch climbs where hitting the deck means death.

    Being in a relationship with a cheater is like climbing with a dead body on the end of your rope.

    She also told me often that it is VERY difficult for someone to come up to your level and VERY easy for them to drag you down to theirs. And she wasn’t talking about climbing.

    Cheating and lying and stealing is very low energy behavior. So is extortion and asking for naked pictures. Hence the icky ooky creeped out feelings when in the energy field of the perp. NO CONTACT, as much as possible! They are Kryptonite.

    You got the memo on this predator. Read it, heed it, and run to legal help.

  • Am I messed up? I’d send some random pictures off the internet.

    Actually, no I wouldn’t, it’s be a waste of energy, I’d file my toenails instead

    Btw my ex used to constantly offer and withhold money, and this was for his kids. After a while I realised his game and stopped caring, it can be on his conscience.

    To be honest, I’d rather starve, than start having to “earn” money that he should be giving anyway, but in this age, you don’t starve, you just get in a pile of debt which I also did.

    It’s all sorted now, I struggled myself and got through it, paid the debt and I promise never to be in that situation again.

    You see, I believe that my ex is lucky to be given the opportunity to be a good dad and if he doesn’t take it then well…. His loss.

  • WOW!!! He is the lowest form of scum and please consult a lawyer. See if they will work with you on some sort of payment plan, or go after the ex to pay the fees. My ex tried the same shit, “well we’re technically still married so?”, Ah so we’re married only when you’re getting something out of it, Really dude? I’d rather my vagina explode! Please protect your peace and cut off all contact.

    • Rather my vagina explode! Damn that’s two comments on here that really made me laugh. Thanks for that.

  • First… I am so sorry he is continuing to abuse you. Please go no contact and let your solicitor handle any communications. It doesn’t sound like you share children, so there is no other reason to “remain amicable” and have 1:1 contact.

    The bigger thing for me is more around your feeling dirty as a result of HIS ACTIONS. Boy, do I remember this feeling. (Google “cognitive dissonance”). After the first D-day, I struggled in getting back in to a feeling of desire for my cheater (shocking right)?… but it wasn’t because I was thinking of all the shady things he was doing but rather because I looked NOTHING like to women in the ads he was soliciting… NOTHING. So I would lay in bed thinking our intimacy and sex problems were MY FAULT because I wasn’t a DDD by the hour hooker. I thought it was my fault he had sexual desires and needs that didn’t line up with what I believed we shared.

    Once I was far enough away from Mr. Sparkles and I compiled my evidence binder for the divorce, I would flip through all the pages of ads he ran… ads he responded to… texts… emails… and all I could think was “I need to go scrub myself down in the shower with a wire brush”… how could I have ever been intimate with this freak of the week; how could I have married and had a child with this self-proclaimed BiMWM (in ads looking for couples to party)… what did that say about me?

    Here’s what I’ve learned, thanks to CN and CL… his actions say NOTHING ABOUT ME. It really is that simple. I hope you can come to that realization too and stop all contact with this monster.

    • I can so totally relate, and yes, I’m getting close to realising it really was him and nothing about me. After Tracey’s post and these comments, I think I’m finally there.

  • “You first, dude.” 😆😆😆

    (I don’t mean that – I do NOT advocate asking that complete douchebag for nude photos IRL, it’s just a rage fantasy.)

    It’s a real thing, though, the entitled requests for too much of us.

    Just recently a dude on a social media site where I don’t use my real name replied to me on a thread, saying, out of context, “I just have to ask your real name.” I DMed “Why do you have to ask? Do you think we know each other? If you’re using your real name and photo, I can assure you that we don’t. I am a person of no consequence and you wouldn’t know me by my name.” He DMed a long statement about how he has learned over the years how important it is to put himself out there and that we need to connect now more than ever blah blah. Is said that I support his choices but I’m not ready to do that. He said, and I kid you not, “OK, sorry, I hope you didn’t take it wrong.”

    Because apparently when he aggressively approaches me, acts entitled to my identity details, and patronizes me for not being as sophisticated and emotionally intelligent and him, my assuming that behavior is utter horse shit is best described as “taking it”… “wrong”.

    I said “Actually I remained curious and asked questions before evaluating anything.” He said “That’s good. 😉” He didn’t ask what my evaluation was. Probably assumed it was in his favor. That assumption would be incorrect in the extreme.

    I find it’s often effective to wait a day to block people so they don’t notice and I can disappear from their radar unnoticed. 😆😆😆

    I didn’t tell that story to make this about me. I told it to illustrate one example of how the ‘entitled self pity women are expected to resolve upon their command’ thing is considered by many men to be reasonable and justifiable by them and their peers. I am grateful every day for the men in my life who aren’t like that, but the number who are is still really quite large. And we don’t have to continue to play nice in this world.

    They think women who don’t give them what they want are flawed. They are incorrect.

    It is my hope for you that you can disappear unnoticed off that a-hole’s radar as soon as possible. The sooner he’s distracted by other shiny things to pursue, the better.

  • Eh, I wouldn’t take this so personally…..he’s just sniffing around to see who will bite and exes are convenient targets.

    My ex suggested that he needed sex before he’d hand over the check for buying me out of our house.

    I ignored it. LW shouldn’t have fed the troll.

    My ex was used to women who liked the ego kibbles of his phony compliments…..both his ex wife and ex gf that he kept around our entire relationship got off on his pathetic attention. I’m sure he thought I’d be flattered by the suggestion of sex.

    I just thought he was a pathetic loser who wasn’t worth the effort of a reply.

  • This is domestic violence.

    No contact is the only path to truth, justice, and peace.

    You are worthy of respect and care. Start by showing it to yourself by blocking him and lawyering up!

    We’ve got your back!

  • I don’t care how you do it, find a lawyer via the options listed above. You need representation. If he’s promising you spousal support, I wouldn’t rely on him to do it out of the goodness of his heart, make it legally binding.

    Please make sure you get an attorney. After that, don’t talk to this piece of shit anymore. Oy. He is the worst.

    • In Australia you do not need a lawyer for support of children after a divorce. All you need to do is apply online for child support and the govt does the rest for you. Same with the divorce, no need for him to sign anything, you just fill in the divorce application online and tick the box that requires him to be served. There is no spousal support here after a divorce, only child support if you have children. The property is split 50/50 after 10 years together, whether you are married or living together and irrespective of how much money each party had at the beginning. The cost of divorce is a set fee of $900 (reduced fee of $350). Its very straightforward. You can divorce first too and then split assets at a later date. Much easier than the minefield of the USA.

      • It’s often roughly 50/50, but as others have said it is based on contributions and future needs.

        Spousal support is possible but extremely unlikely (usually only granted as part of the lump sum division and where one spouse is basically unable to work after a long marriage where the other spouse is very well off). Basically, if you can work without substantial retraining, you won’t get spouse support. Even if you need retraining, you won’t get it usually unless your ex is well-off.

        If you have either decent assets (eg a house or expensive cars) or one or both have substantial superannuation, it can be worth it to see a lawyer even just for advice.

      • I would be more concerned about the IRS issues and potential debt. How does that work there? Eek. That alone to me would be worth a lawyer, more than concern about assets.

  • The promise of money is a con game. He is no better than the online romance thieves or whatever they are called. You will not get a dime from him, even if you were to send naked photos. You need to go “no contact” immediately. Cut your losses. Good luck.

    • Oh and if he continues to contact you, maybe you can get a restraining order? I’d look into getting one.

  • From the way I’ve experienced stuff like this, what he was looking for is the negative reaction. Then he can explain why that reaction was because she got the wrong idea.

    My ex-wife loves this. Her favorite phrase is “I’m sorry that you took things the wrong way”. It’s subtle gaslighting and blame shifting. I personally believe that it’s meant to always cause the chump to feel bad for no longer trusting them.

    It’s certainly easy to do. Think up anything that would be innocent if it wasn’t for the fact that they are cheaters. Then throw it to the chump. When the chump (correctly) reacts to the bait by pointing out how inappropriate it is, the cheater gets to point out how the chump is wrong and how they are at fault because they “always assume the worst” when dealing with the cheater.

    The last time my ex-wife did this, she contacted me needing old bank statements. I asked which ones she needed but she “didn’t know” so I should just give her my account number and password to my bank account (the former joint account). Luckily this was through text, because I would have laughed in her face if she asked me in person. I didn’t react and exported everything from when we were married and sent it to her in an email.

    She still didn’t give up, because she didn’t get what she wanted. Kept asking if I didn’t trust her and why didn’t I give her my password. I only asked if she got the information she needed. She wouldn’t even address that anymore. She just wanted to be able to complain about my lack of trust.

      • Wow! I honestly cannot believe she thought you’d fall for this. They really do think their abilities to con us are something else.

    • Wow. Their entitlement is mind blowing. They truly think they can betray us in the worst possible ways, and still have access to every aspect of our lives.

      And yes, I endured years of being made to feel like a piece of crap for not trusting him and believing he didn’t love me. They are experts at gaslighting us to feel like we are in the wrong, for daring to view them in the light of their deplorable actions.

  • Oh, and I really hope you didn’t give him your address. No telling what freaks would show up in the middle of the night.

  • I’m so sorry you went through this and you feel degraded but truly this isn’t about you. I would suggest your soon to be ex needs therapy, but a friend of mine already went through this with her ex; while going through therapy he quit but she continued. When she finally decided to leave for good, the therapist affirmed she had made the right decision and that her ex had problems (with porn and sexual intimacy) that therapy couldn’t fix. Some counseling might help you work through this but know that you did not ask for this, you don’t deserve this treatment and your STBX was like this long before you met him.
    Hang in there.

  • So he is quiting porn, but wants to look at her naked pictures? For what, reflection?! It’s a mindfuck and most definitely a power play. He’s a fucking gross loser, who obviously is feeling the sting of loneliness and is hoovering like a vulture looking for a kibble source.

    • Agree. This was one of my first thoughts. He hasn’t changed a bit. His heart is still black.

  • Maybe you could write a fictionalized comic novel which, in chapter two, goes into excrutiating detail about the protagonist’s wayward ex-husband’s sexual foibles and inadequacy.

    How’s that for “explicit text”?

  • Sickened Chump meet covert narcissistic rage, aka revenge.

    You dared to separate and you are daring to file for divorce? You are not the boss of him and you’ll pay for it dearly. That’s his mentality. The talking and schmoozing was setting you up to take you down. Beware because this man is dangerous and you have no idea what he might cook up behind your back. You’ve gotten some good advice from fellow Ausie chumps – please please listen and lawyer up.

    If he pretends to be amicable, you better put on a suit of armor and cover your back, because I can guarantee you from personal experience that he is about to stab you in the back in some way and it will be bad.

    The silver lining here is that he showed you, in print, in black and white what an evil low life he is. Irredeemable. If this doesn’t free you from hopium, I don’t know what would. Any time you feel weak, any time you think he might not be so bad – read those texts and remind yourself what his real face looks like. He gave you irrefutable proof of how effed up he is, that you’ve never had anything to work with and that it was never about you.

    Head high and please please please….lawyer up.

    • So so true about guarding your back! They don’t genuinely care to know how we are doing. When they are being “normal people” polite, that’s when you really have to worry.

    • Right on. Also yes, sadly I realised he was dangerous all too late, but that’s another story.

      But agreed, the silver lining here is I can go through with the divorce with zero regrets and justify overwhelming relief.

  • This is so disgusting… Tell him if he’s working on not looking at porn, he should also include explicit images of women he’s no longer married to. Also, you’re not his own personal OnlyFans subscription just because you were married to him. You have boundaries and self respect. If he wants that kind of interaction, he can go pay whatever the market rate is to someone who’s already in the business.

    I’m sorry you’re being put in this position. The only way to fight this kind of entitlement from men (sorry male chumps this is a male problem, entitled women do other things) is to push back with all the disgust you can muster. We can’t let the Overton Window move on this.

  • Oh CL! You nail it every time. Love these gems in particular:

    “What does he care about? Getting his dick hard. That’s it.”

    “You cannot “nice” a freak into a settlement.”

    “Don’t measure yourself by the opinion of fuckwits.”

  • “You cannot “nice” a freak into a settlement.”

    — I tried this with Olympic athlete effort. It did not work. Not one little bit. And with the benefit of hindsight, it actually hurt me financially and emotional. Plus it set a weak, bad example for my teenagers.

  • Sickened Chump, there’s no reason to feel degraded, crappy behavior is entirely on him.

    Keep the text for the court. It’s a blackmail and it shows his frame of mind (that he doesn’t intend to keep up with his obligations – spousal support is determined by court and not internet traffic of dodgy pics). Also, why do you expect him to pay spousal support if he’s wasted your marital assets???

    Listen to others and do try to find some kind of legal support for your divorce. At least take care you won’t end up with his debt.

  • This is harassment and abuse. It’s that simple. He is really gross and I am sorry you are going through this. I am not sure how family law works in Australia, but I wonder if there is a pro bono attorney with whom you can work.

    “How do I get over feeling so worthless that he would dare ask me something so degrading?” That was his intent–to make you feel this way. This says nothing about you and everything about him.

  • Is it wrong that I wished Chumplady could share the text number for this loser begging his ex for “naked pictures,” so 25,000 members of Chump Nation could bury his inbox with 25,000 dick pics?

    • Thank you, Nomar. I haven’t laughed out loud like that in ages. It would be worth the international messaging charges if you ask me! But it would be way more than 25,000 pictures because some of us would be repeat offenders. The only problem is I wouldn’t want this creep to have my number!

  • My ex likes to remind me that he has nude photos of me and that they are in his ‘regular rotation’.

    • I am so sorry that he reminds you of this. But know that you win because he doesn’t get to have any unnecessary space in your life or thoughts.

    • Ewwww. Your ex is an arsehole.

      Sorry you have to gear that. Can you go lower contact? No contact or just via a child custody type app.

  • This is just futher proof of his disordered mind. If you start to slip and romantisize the past these turds will soon remind you of their pathetic state of mind and lack of morals. It’s no shame on you; he revealed himself and you made the right decision to say adios.

  • I know it is a way off, but someday you will be sitting with wonderful friends in a wonderful place having wonderful drinks exchanging stories about your worst dating/marriage horrors, and you will WIN the anecdote contest.

    Following the derisive laughter at his expense, everyone will buy you a drink and you’ll be celebrating how far away you are from a marriage to the kind of jackass who asks his divorced wife for nudes in exchange for the spousal support she deserves.

  • Sickened Chump, if you have ever worked in Australia, you should have some superannuation. Have you thought about accessing the up to $10,000 this year until June 30 2020 and then another $10,000 next year from July 1 2020 that you can get due to Covid-19 hardship? It is incredibly easy, and it only takes a few days for the money to be deposited in your account. That could be your family lawyer money right there.

    If you are not sure where your superannuation is, here are instructions as to how to find it https://moneysmart.gov.au/how-super-works/find-lost-super? Also this site https://moneysmart.gov.au/ has good information about accessing other emergency government support, managing on a budget etc. Charities like the Salvos also offer help with financial management and budgeting advice.

    If you aren’t working or have a low income, register for JobSeeker payment if you haven’t already, its doubled at the moment. Centrelink also can offer emergency payments if you are in dire need. We are so lucky in Australia, we have a great financial safety net if you are in difficulty.

    If you do end up with a tax debt, as long as you are up front with them the Taxation Dept can be very helpful with arranging payment plans etc. You are unlikely to be saddled with a huge amount you have to pay back immediately. Ditto with electricity, gas, water providers – they can all help you with payment plans if you are in difficulty.

    There are charities like Foodbank in WA or St Vincent de Paul, the Salvos and various others that can help with food and other support if you are in difficulties. There are also a number of domestic violence services in each state (his degradation of you is abuse) that could offer advice and maybe direct you to other services like counselling.

    In WA, CentreCare https://www.centrecare.com.au/ offers no-cost counselling if you qualify as a domestic abuse victim and I found them really helpful and supportive. Its under the umbrella of Catholic social services, but its service non-denominational and open to anyone. Other states may have similar groups. This is Sydney’s https://www.catholiccare.org/family-and-Individual-services/counselling-and-relationships/. A google search like archdiocese counselling services should get you to relevant services where you are.

    Sexual abuse is horrible. It distorts your sense of self and self-worth so badly, and you can’t tell anyone cos marital loyalty – my perp came close to destroying me. I put up with it for years, being verbally degraded and humiliated and sexually assaulted for not being a willing participant in weird stuff. I mostly physically submitted while being mentally repulsed and actually pitied him for wanting those things. But you can’t be an active loving partner in sex if you are weirded out and sickened by what is happening to you. It becomes rape if it is non-consensual. For a while I hated myself and God for not being able to throw away my morals and sense of decency and enjoy such stuff. I still have problems with liking myself sometimes though I’m back on good terms with God. Its all a big lie our partners perpetrate against us, blaming us for our negative response to their sickness. It truly was not us, it was them.

    Also, once you file for divorce, he doesn’t have to file an affadavit to agree or anything else. If he doesn’t agree, he has to go to court and contest it, but he won’t win, because separation of 12 months plus 1 day is the only requirement. He just signs the papers and its done.

    Like Lola Granola, I never thought I’d see the day when I thought easy no-fault divorce was a good thing. Live and learn, hey? Good luck, Sickened, we hear you.

    • … sorry, requirements for filing for divorce is separation of 12 months plus 1 day, and also completed financial separation agreement and/or parenting plan. Once the finances and custody are signed sealed and delivered, the divorce is just a rubber stamp in my experience.

  • You should not feel negatively about yourself. You handled it like a champ! I know it probably hurt to think he may be showing genuine kindness towards you by asking about you after having built a life together. But he showed you once again who he is and that he will never change. At least this time he showed his colors within one conversation. Next time, he’ll probably do so in a matter of minutes. Keep being strong and take care of yourself. There will be a beautiful life away from him soon enough. But build a strong wall to not allow him back in in any way.

  • Thanks so much everyone for your lovely supportive and understanding comments. I wish I could reply to every one. You all helped me so much and added massively to my healing and liberation. Chump on!

  • Plus a big thanks to Tracey for taking my situation seriously and treating me with value.

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