My husband had an affair during our 19th year of marriage with a person in his graduate class.
She sent me a text message that she was in love with him and he with her. Of course he lied lied lied, but I wore him down until he told the horrid details. Long story short he said she was blackmailing him about their affair. I saw the $25 cash apps to the cheap trick and the Comfort Suite hotel reward points that came to the house once the shit hit the fan.
It will soon be a year since the email. He has changed his number, we go to counseling, date nights…all that stuff, but I have a hate in my heart where love used to be.
He says I’m breaking up the family by being sad, depressed and I’m accusing him of things he is not doing because I’m insecure. I feel like I don’t accuse, I ask questions. I probably spend a third of my day thinking about some aspect of his affair.
The forever I wanted to spend with him is not the same and I have told him. The fact that he told her he loved her knowing she had a husband and 3 kids and he didn’t give a fuck about his wife and 3 kids has changed me.
He never had an affair before, so he says. I saw where he blocked her and the million messages she sent while blocked, I saw the threats, she called and texted me mad when blocked on social media and she got a new email to email him and messaged on LinkedIn….She would not stop pursuing him. Finally, I went to the police filed a report and the detective called her 9 months after he told me he was glad it was out, he was so tired of the sneaking and lies.
I feel the bitterness. I don’t want it to kill me. I don’t trust I will ever be in love with him again. He says he is trying and I’m not trusting he is.
You know what I am and you know what advice I’m going to give you. It’s emblazoned on my tag line, “Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life.”
So, instead of delivering a bitchslap, I’m going to take a big step back from this clusterfuck and talk about safety.
When I read your letter, I hear a woman who does not feel safe.
She’s ruminating. I probably spend a third of my day thinking about some aspect of his affair.
She’s angry. I have a hate in my heart where love used to be.
She’s in crisis. Finally, I went to the police filed a report.
I hear a woman who does not feel safe.
We could go off on why you don’t feel safe — he’s letting you do the heavy lifting on “protecting” him from the affair partner he invited into his life. He’s invalidating your feelings. He’s blameshifting — you’re “breaking up the family.” (No Mister, your dick did that.)
That skein has a thousand tangles. And here’s what people in reconciliation do when faced with a Gordian Knot — they tangle further. But, but! He blocked her! But, but! He doesn’t want to lose his family! But, but! He went to therapy!
Cut through the knot — YOU DON’T FEEL SAFE IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
That either MATTERS to you, or it doesn’t.
There are many legitimate reasons you don’t feel safe — you were betrayed and shattered by his affair. And he’s being a fuckwit. Schmoopie’s unhinged. Whatever. And you’re probably constantly rallying a defense to him about why your feelings are legitimate. He’s not the person you need to convince — YOU are.
Why would you try to talk yourself into staying when the cognitive dissonance is killing you? Why do you try to keep attempting to feel safe in a situation that makes you feel unsafe? Why do you squelch your feelings and give them less importance than his lame-ass “trying”?
Why not just honor the legitimacy of your experience?
This happened. It’s unacceptable. Game over.
You don’t have to reform him. I’m pretty sure that’s impossible given the Naugahyde remorse you’re reporting. Why not create a new world he’s not included in?
Your safety and security MATTER. You’re not less than. You’re not a bit player in his star-crossed Schmoopie love.
Give yourself permission to matter.
(I think this turned out to be a bitch slap on LACGAL anyway… Let me soften that with some (((hugs))).