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‘I Trolled the Other Woman’

Hello Chump Lady,

I screwed up. I fed the beast.

I know you say “If it feels good, don’t do it,” but I confronted my husband and the troll neighbor.

Anyway, her kitchen window looks right into mine, so I taped a picture of a troll on to my window. I’m am just so creeped out I feel like she’s looking in at me all day long.

She called my husband in a panic saying she’s going to get a restraining order against me because I’m threatening her. Obviously, if she called the police, they would just laugh at her, but when I confronted her and my husband I did include the same picture of the troll in my text, so that’s not going to look good when presented in front of a judge.

I literally have no one to talk to expect the folks here in Chump Nation. My husband is now saying I can leave whenever I want, but my son is not going anywhere. Oh boy. This is not looking good. I have a consult scheduled with a lawyer in June 30 and it can’t come soon enough.

Did I screw up royally? Or a this a no biggie?? Ugh.


Dear Nomore33,

That’s hysterical. You can tape anything you goddamn want to in YOUR OWN HOUSE. She is ridiculous. He is ridiculous.

Can you imagine how that call to the police would go?

“Officer, my neighbor taped a picture of an ugly mythological figure to her kitchen window. She must be stopped! Next it will be ogres, chimeras, or Balrogs! I demand that you investigate everything I gaze upon that I personally find offensive.”

As if.

I think it’s understandable that you’re upset your husband is cheating on you with the woman next door. Your lawyer should help calm you down about this. I mean really, what’s worse? Being cheated on and conspired against by your husband and a neighbor, or mildly resisting this assault by referencing a fairytale creature?

Given the escalations that could be expected — firearms, fist fights, arson — they should thank their lucky stars you’re so nice.

Now then, I would be remiss as Chump Lady if I didn’t give you the “If It Feels Good, Don’t Do It” lecture. (A phrase coined by Mr. CL the trial lawyer.) Retaliation is not a good look. Especially in family court.

I know it feels incredibly unjust to have to exercise saintly self-control while the cheaters are blithely fucking on the kitchen countertops, but that’s what’s called for here — restraint.

My lawyer once told me that family court is a “dog and pony show” — meaning you want to come off as the best in breed. Classy Sane Parent. Level-headed, most invested in the welfare of your child. Above rancor.

In your understandable hurt and humiliation, what you’re failing to understand now is that you’re actually leagues ahead of these losers. You did NOT check out on your family to fuck around. You did NOT take time or marital monies to conduct an affair. And I’ll reckon you’re the hands-on parent who does all the adulting (DOCUMENT that). So, he’s going to have to wage a battle to undo anyone’s sympathetic, good opinion of you. Don’t help him with that.

Reacting is more than feeding the beast ego kibbles (which, don’t do that, that’s the pick-me dance), it sabotages yourself. Cheaters love triangulation. Refuse to play that game.

when I confronted her and my husband I did include the same picture of the troll in my text,

You are confronting them about an AFFAIR. The troll picture is immaterial. If the Pentagon papers were published with a cartoon, which do you think would cause the bigger stir? You were trying to speak truth to liars. Of course they’re going to tear you apart for how you did it, and not the substance of the offense.

My husband is now saying I can leave whenever I want, but my son is not going anywhere.

Oh fuck him. He wants his affair, he can move 200 feet next door. What a loser. Let your lawyer deal with the terms of separation. He doesn’t set those terms.

Did I screw up royally?

No. Just dust yourself off, and get back on the no contact, grey rock wagon.

From this day forward, don’t give him or her a single look into your head. They don’t deserve your feelings. He deserves a divorce summons. And she deserves Twu Twoll Wuv — a fantasy that ends living under a bridge.

Hang in there.

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at Read more about submission guidelines.
  • Ugh. I so wanted to do this stuff too. This was before I found CL and CN. I did all the RIC, shit sandwich buffet, had children, only to get more DDAYs. SURPRISE!! When I found out I was working with the OW, I did manage to give her a big fuck you glare. She broke eye contact. I never laid eyes on her again. That’s not to say that Disney daddy wasn’t hot on the trail of some other OW. He was. I just no longer cared as I was moving towards the divorce. He was still trying to have it all. Try not to feed the beasts.

  • Really and truly, the very best revenge is indifference.

    Fake that until you feel it!

    • ^^^ Yes!!

      These nutjobs want centrality. Ignoring them is the most painful thing you can do to them. It took me a little time to figure it out, but ignoring my ex was the best thing I’ve ever done.

    • I believe this in my head, but not yet in my heart. I have been 90% grey rock. I’ve answered long, abusive diatribes with “OK”. I’ve ignored him in public. I’ve deflected almost every single time he tries to bait me. It sure helps that his baiting attempt are painfully obvious.

      I’ve taken the high road ever since I left him. He still got almost everything. He’s still sending provocative email. I feel even worse than at the beginning.

      Can anyone give me a pep talk? Or lead me to an article or book that might help me feel better and stay strong?

  • The creative “trolling” gave me a good laugh this morning. Love it! You got served a shit sandwich, so doing such a thing is understandable. Ultimately, finding a way out and going grey rock (since you share a child and cannot go no contact) will help you move forward. These people showed you who they are, so believe that they suck. You, however, do not. You have a whole better life to find, explore, and enjoy.

  • Over the course of my long life I have found that grief makes you crazy. Psychiatrically crazy. Children start cutting themselves. Men start drinking too much, and driving like maniacs, and women put pictures of trolls in their windows. You are grieving but nature has given you a way to withstand the impossible. It has given you anger. Don’t let it burn you up. Put on a pair of shoes and start walking. Then, if healthy enough, start running. Run your anger and grief out.
    The jackass who has pretended he is husband material is a stinking pile of feces. If she gets to keep him that’s what she gets.

  • It was a funny thing to do and you are frustrated. But, you now have a long road ahead of you with negotiations about property, money and child custody. This is the time to get the best deal possible for yourself and not be ruled by emotions.
    Don’t leave the family home. Not even with your son. (Unless there is a threat of violence stay put). Because your son will end up back in the family home and you won’t. And that is not a good position to be in.

  • I agree wholeheartedly with CL — assuming this truly is the entire story. If the worst you did was tape the pic in your window and reference it mildly in a relatively benign text message, then it’s hard to imagine a competent judge or arbiter considering it anything beyond a bit immature at worst — and that’s understandable given what prompted it.

    However… If the text that included the same image actually WAS threatening, directly or indirectly, you could have a bigger problem on your hands. Also, I don’t know how old your son is, but if he starts mimicking that behavior, it could land him in a lot worse trouble that it causes for you, so that’s also worth attention.

    I, too, had a good laugh at the troll drawing, on the whole! Still, it’s probably best to move past it and start thinking more strategically as a person who has a court-regulated untangling to navigate. Best of luck, and hey, you can always buy some window cling to block out prying eyes but keep the light shining in. ????

  • Hahahaha this is awesome!! My ex also cheated with the neighbor! My house is on the market but I have to stare directly into her home if I have my blinds open (which I never do anymore). I can’t wait to move! Also, that is totally a way that my ex would spin things if this happened. I’d spin it for him too and say you put the troll picture up for your son bc he thought it was funny. Sometimes I just give the crazy right back..which I probably shouldn’t. I understand your anxiety but I don’t think a judge will care much about this and I’m super cautious with those things.

    • I actually went and bought a beautiful wind chime, to put right outside my window to block her spank ass!!! Fuck her and fuck them!!! I was very careful when I wrote the text to them not to write anything incriminating or threatening. Thanks to you guys I’m 100 steps ahead of these jerk offs!!! You guys rock!!

      • I meant skank, LOL. I’m also going to order the privacy film she really gives me the Heebie jeebies!

    • JO – ‘ I have my blinds open (which I never do anymore).’

      Oh NO JO – open those blinds and let your house sing.
      The more exposed you are, the happier you’ll appear to be – walking the walk.
      Get that music on and blast it.
      You’ll be happier than you think!
      (I’m old but I do love K-Pop! or even some hard rock (AC/DC).

      And…just for fun, you could play ‘cheater’ music, but I wouldn’t even do that as it makes him central.
      But, it IS fun to dance to~
      And, yeah – kick him 200 ft next door.

        • My husband told me to close my blinds and I told him hell to the no! I will never give up my power to a skank troll. I’ve been blasting my music and my husband said something about being passive aggressive. I said what did dumb skank tell you to say that? If it weren’t for my son I would’ve been in an orange jumpsuit, they really aren’t worth my energy. I am getting there

      • Oh gosh I’m not at that point. She’s a trigger for me and is always outside. Quarantine somewhat stunted my moving forward so while I was trapped at home with my thoughts and with her across the street I had to keep my blinds closed for my sanity. I guess we all recover at our own pace but if I see her I’m often filled with rage…which is why I love the troll picture haha. I definitely didn’t want to be angry at home with my kids. The injustice of them “getting away with it” really irks me still. I plan on letting the walls sing in my new home that doesn’t have the bad memories of this one!

        • JO I totally get it but you are so way above her/them I’m a New York Girl so I blast a song called boss bitch by Doja cat. One of the lyrics say I’m a stallion and you’re a seahorse LMAO. Totally appropriate lyrics!!! Screw them!!!

          • And don’t get me wrong this pain is unbearable beyond measure, not trying to make light of it. I’m right there with you

  • Dear Nomore33,

    As we know, all this lying and cheating and threats about getting our children scares the wits out of us. But I think your wits are OK, you have a sense of humor. The troll in the kitchen window is hilarious.

    But concentrate on divorcing this jackass and keeping custody of your child.

    (However, I would leave the troll in the window, but maybe CN has better advice. I made fun of my ex in court and got away with it, there was lots of snickering. After all, he actually said that I cold trust him…).

    • I’d be tempted to switch out the picture weekly – just as “motivational” pictures for yourself but in a context your kids will think is fun. (Nothing at all to do with those creatures next door). This week the troll, why? Reminder to watch out for them. Next week a sparkly Unicorn! To remind about fantasy beasts that don’t exist. Or how about a Wolf in Sheep’s Clothing? The possibilities could be endless!

      • ????. My husband swears there is something Wrong with me. The only thing wrong with me is why I stayed with his gross ass so long. That is soooo funny but not worth the fight at this point. She is such a coward. She was so powerful when I didn’t know what was going on, now she’s traumatized by a picture. How freaking pathetic. Now I’m just going to focus on getting out of this hell hole. They are so disgusting the both of them. They can have each other. I MUST be the same parent!!

  • Love the Troll on the window. If she calls the police who cares. They will laugh at her. It is your window you can hang any picture you like. Aww, poor little cheater got her feelings hurt. She sure did not give a dam when she cheated with your husband.
    Funny how these OW rip apart your life. Than cry victim over a picture, text etc. Last year I received a text from Skankella. Hey I know you have been spreading my number all over the place. I know it is you. I am going to press charges. Remember BITCH one day we will meet. She never called the police. Who knows who spread her number around. As you can see she cheated with my husband. Ripped my life apart. And she threatens me. Keep the troll picture up. You did nothing wrong.

  • (music by Michael Jackson, lyrics by the Other Woman, to the fuckwit ex)

    As I, prepare my morning fix
    Of soggy Weetabix
    I see that bitch ‘cross the yard
    Why can’t she just go away,
    With minimum delay?
    Can’t she see you’re with me,
    The one who led her man astray

    A chump who won’t play nice, politely asked her twice,
    “Do it for the kids”
    She’s just being unreasonable you know
    But I won’t walk on tiptoe
    That’s why I want you to know . . .

    I’m looking at the troll in the window
    I’m telling you to keep the peace
    And I won’t stand for her innuendo
    If you want to keep this girl a happy cheat
    Take a walk over there, and make her cease

  • *snort*

    I really hope she did go to the courthouse, fill out the form and go before a judge with a photo of the menacing window art.

    Anyway, go buy some one-way privacy window clings for yourself. You can see out, she can’t see in.

    Return to grey rock and to hell with them both. If you want the house and are entitled to it or buying him out of it, stay there.

  • One day this whole thing will be behind you … make it sooner rather than later. Take down the troll, stop texting or emailing or contacting OW in any way whatsoever. Do not leave your home until a judge orders you to – assuming no domestic violence. Get a few more consults with lawyers this morning! One on the 30th isn’t enough. Come here or on CL on FB and Reddit for more support.

    In 3-5 years you literally will not care about this — you’ll never forget what XH did, and neighbor’s role, but you’ll be too busy with your new life to care about these losers. That’s called a Meh. You’ll get there on a Tuesday.

  • Boy do I get it. I raged at him at his shop, in front of employees. Not my finest moment. I did heat my comeuppance when he cane home to complain that he had to go a doctor because he “couldn’t get it up”. I just stated , calmly, “ funny you never had that trouble with me”. Boom. Mic drop. I had a smirk on my face when I closed the door in his face. I’m completely no contact and achieved that early on. Blessed peace for about 2 years now.

  • Mr. CL is spot on with “if it feels good, don’t do it”… in regards to divorcing cheating fuckwits. A few months after I named the OW in the divorce complaint for adultery, I came upon new evidence that Mr. Sparkles will still trolling online dating sites (shocking, ha!). I decided she needed to know because by God I was fed up with almost two years of their “magical love” and “blended family” being tossed in my face while I was busy filing for the divorce, being the sane parent, working full-time, etc. SO… I did what any irrational person would do… I printed out copies of his multiple personal ads and sent them to her anonymously… and I sent a copy to her sister who happens to work for their Dad (big money family). My lawyer was not pleased, to say the least. She did subsequently dump him, so all’s well that end’s well… but I could have really buggered the divorce if she brought it to court as harassment… even though I sent it anonymously.

    Grey rock really is your best course on a daily basis… get on with building your life and let her be stuck with your X. That is divinity.

    • This world! Justice and the law is so messed up.

      How is printing out ads and sending them to HER considered possible harassment, but HER screwing your husband not a crime?

      • Good Luck with getting anyone to file a harassment charge! But maybe some states are different. My ex stalked my new job, all the people I worked with, every relative I have, drives by my house on camera, sent a bug in my daughters backpack, and post what he finds on the court server. Stated that he’s going to harass me till I give him the kids. I have majority custody. He’s crazy and abusive. No one cares yet! I wouldn’t worry to much about a harassment charge! But don’t waste your new life on losers.

        • Oh. My. Gosh! This is lunacy. I wish I could say I can’t believe the court won’t help you, but I know just how screwed up family court is and can only sway my head in sorrow for you. My idiot X started stalking, stealing my computer thumb drive, drive bys, etc. but the final O-Whore kept him so busy and on his toes with her gold-digging, getting her and her daughter moved into his big new home, new cars, etc… that most of his energy is now spent there. I used to wish out of principle that their “relationship” would blow up in flames, but your story is shrewd reminder that her keeping him occupied is a good thing for the kids and I. If he was alone, he’d focus all his psycho on us again for sure.

      • I didn’t send her anything, I posted a picture on MY window. That’s the funny part. She’s my neighbor. She’s crazy!!!

  • NoMore33,

    I guess that we’ve all at least thought of doing something similar, and we get a chuckle out of one of the community actually doing it with a fair bit of style.

    More seriously though, think low profile and low drag; keep it classy (you don’t want your son mirroring this behaviour) and stay on the moral high road. Cheaters are brilliant at finding a false equivalence between our occasional (and entirely human) missteps and their (often criminal) f**kwittery; don’t give them any leverage whatsoever.

    During my divorce I worked on the assumption that anything that I said or otherwise communicated would end up in front of a judge and used to undermine my position as the aggrieved party and sane parent; it worked, although I didn’t have to do anything to make my now ex-wife look like a rabid and toxic lunatic with only a tangential grip on reality- she did that very successfully for herself.

    Good luck!

  • You are nicer than me.
    I would of sent her a message that said “I’m sorry if the troll pic on my window and in my message caused you any distress. Imagine if somebody fucked your husband how upsetting that would be.
    Don’t be so hard on yourself, we all snap, yours was mild.
    I threatened to stand outside the hospital they both worked at with a sign that said “ awful whore (not her real name????) fucked my husband.”

    Felt awesome to scream that in his face, but I would of been better served to not deal in emotions and just get busy securing my settlement.
    As chump lady says – the affair partner won the turd olympics.
    Let her have him.

    • I just sent the both of them one pretty rabid text telling them I know you’ve been screwing for 5 years and to basically fuck off and I told my husband you wrecked your family over a woman who looks like a troll and then I added the troll picture. Then I blocked her. I didn’t want to go back and forth because I’m just looking to move forward from these crazy people. I was just sick of watching her prance around like a peacock thinking I had no clue what was going on.

      • Nomore33, I returned because by pure chance my daughter chose the following poem from a good night compilation book.

        I gave it a quick translation to English. Wish I could post the illustrations here!

        The Lonely Troll

        Embracing-life, dirty troll and also smelly,
        with slimy skin and hairy belly,
        nice fingers full of dirt and grubby toes,
        hot steaming breath and rings sticking out of his nose-

        with stains on his shirt and holes in his socks
        teeth screaming ‘clean us’, and knots in his locks
        with tears down his pants, along with worn out shoes-
        is looking for someone. But who fits well with him? Maybe YOU?

        He likes dirty trenches, wet holes even more,
        when he fights against other trolls, he’ll be the winner for sure.
        He’s loving and gives you a vase full of roses,
        but before he used them to take snot out of his nose(s)

        In a smelly hole he lives alone without sunshine
        dripping along with spit and slime.
        “Where could I find fun and romance for two?”
        A troll doesn’t need any more for happiness so true!

  • Brilliant! The OW can’t bring up the troll in the window without raising the question of why she is looking in your windows in the first place. It’s none of her business what decorations you chose to put in your window.

  • Call that lawyer and get your consult moved up.
    Be prepared. Collect all you financial information, tax returns, etc. Go to the bank and get statements. If you do not have your own credit card, get one today in your name only.

    Have you read and reviewed the divorce laws in your state? Custody is almost always 50/50, so your rights are very protected.

    Be proactive. Cheaters are usually lazy and then can become mean when they realize they might actually have to share. Protect your self.

  • Got a good laugh this morning. Too funny, and who could blame you. What a horrific situation. Hang in there, and the more you ignore the better you will feel. The drama keeps the entire thing alive. I agree with others on here that she can keep the “sparkly turd”. Sounds like a massive loser. Who the heck does this kind of crap???? A neighbor? Really? Narcissistic wackos! Sending you hugs and prayers.

  • I can relate to Nomore33. I, too, succumbed to a bit of trolling and potential kibble feeding. But, gotta say, it was worth it.

    Here’s what happened: We were on a conference call with our real estate lawyer. While waiting for the lawyer to join the call, I calmly and dispassionately told the cheater about something I had heard from a very reliable source: “Oh, by the way. Did you know that your mistress was with another married doctor before you? I’m not sure they had sex, but I think they did.” His reply? “No, I did not know that.” Then, and I couldn’t have timed it better, the lawyer came on the line.

    Gotta say. It felt oh so good (breaking CL’s rule, I know). I readily admit that I wanted to cause trouble in affair paradise especially since she’d told him she’d loved him for 10 years!!! I wanted revenge. And what was sweet was that it was not a lie.

    That was months ago. I’m approaching meh. Not there yet. Tomorrow is Tuesday. One can hope.

    Anyway, I have no regrets about that one slip-up. I’ve gone 100% no contact since then.

  • FORGET THE FAMILY COURTS, “USELESS” especially here in Canada. My ex Narc husband has rubbed both his whores into my face right inside our family home. The system does “NOTHING” they can’t judge so you just have to file for divorce, get a good settlement and “RUN”! My ex Narc even used the kids against me as a weapon to make me out to be a child abuser! Now my daughter is a legal adult and can just walk away, my son nearly 14 still has to wait it’s. Absolutely “SICKENING”!????????????

    • United States , Canada it doesn’t matter how a wife or kids get treated kids are just property until they are grown. Property to be used to further abuse the other parent because that parent cares about how children are treated.

  • LOL….this is hilarious.

    The only way this car backfire on you is actually your own badly misplaced guilt and fear. You didn’t do anything wrong or even actionable against you in any way, so don’t let those fuckwits intimidate you with their bogus threats.

    In fact, this might be a time where you take a page out of the fuckwit manual and double down on your new found love for trolls. Find some troll print curtains and hang them up, collect some figurines to place around the house. Nobody can hold your hobby against you.

    Fuckwit in court: “Your Honor, chump is collecting trolls.”
    Judge without even blinking: “Are you seeking a portion of the collection as part of settlement? Do you have a valuation for the court to consider?”
    Chump:…well this is where you work hard on keeping a straight face: “Your Honor, this collection is of deep sentimental value to me, but I’m willing to let fuckwit have it for an extra $10K in the interest of fairness and good will toward fuckwit.”

    • I love the troll. I did something similar, but it was not a troll, not funny. I too had a next-door neighbor OW who could see into my windows. I wish I’d thought of the troll! What I love about this is how pissed off the OW got. She knows she’s a troll, otherwise she wouldn’t have gotten offended at a drawing with no caption.

      You have to keep a straight face and refuse to apologize for the troll. Don’t even get into a discussion about the troll. The troll is her problem. Let the troll speak for itself. These people will stop at nothing to manipulate you into thinking this whole situation is all your fault. For me the lowest point in the affair situation was months after the affair had ended when the OW, desperate for more triangulation, said she was calling the police on me for some made up bogus. I had done some petty, legal stuff months prior but had never threatened her and hadn’t so much as looked at her for months when the texts came in about calling the police. She needed me to engage to keep her bizarre fantasy going. The threat to call the police was a provocation. She wanted me to do some crazy stuff. I’m sure she was disappointed that I didn’t.

      If I were you I’d get a nice stained glass troll to hang in my window. But leave it at that. A funny joke, nothing more.

  • I might have done a small act of retaliation myself. My wasbund told me the downgrade knew someone on my board of directors and was going to get me fired. I said “Wait, let me get this correct. She’s going to call this person and tell them she fucked my husband and participated in the destruction of my life and then demand me be fired because I was mean to her? Go for it.” IDIOTS

  • Geez, I agree, they can’t do anything with that to you. Just put up a nice blind and a good old German Gartenzwerg. A whole line being led by a troll. Like the saying being led along the garden path like dwarfs.

    A friend chump of mine actually payed to name an ugly pig in their local zoo after the OW and framed the certificate in the kids room – might not go down so well if it ever ends in family court. Luckily her cheater messes up royally on hard fact level.

  • OW isn’t afraid. She’s creating drama and acting the damsel in distress for cheater’s attention. Her motive could also be making you look unhinged to control the narrative to justify the husband’s cheating.

    • Yup that’s exactly it!!! I couldn’t care less anymore. Fuck them both. They are a match made in Heaven

      • The shetroll is providing you with an escape route out of a dead end relationship. Your stbx husband is the troll. And you get to get out and press your advantage. Troll picture- good one.

      • Exactly. The best revenge would be for them to end up together. Two defects together? Troll will never feel secure and be in a constant state of “is he cheating or planning on cheating?” Cheater will resent Troll as she was an easy piece of ass and he could have done much better than this pathetic loser. You can basically write the script on how their relationship will work out as I’ve seen this scenario far too many times.

    • That’s why they *threaten* to call the police. If they actually felt threatened by your actions they would just call the police. Contacting the person who’s supposedly threatening you to say “I’m going to call the police on you!” is an escalating tactic, not something you’d ever do if you were genuinely frightened of that person.

  • It’s actually a good lesson, This paranoia over a benign misdemeanour. Cops and judges don’t care about incidents, they care about patterns. So just always observe your decision making from a pattern perspective and you’ll be fine.

  • I was married 27 years and I’m now 2 years past divorce (and 3.5 past Dday) and doing much better. But I still have these WTF moments where I can’t really believe I’m in this place. When we were still married, he passed up on a chance to go to Disneyland with our daughter because he had already signed up for a BDSM class with schmoopie, and it was on the same day. Like what world am I living in that I was married to THAT?!?!

    Anyway. I digress. My point is that I still find myself in these moments where I get stabs of anger, sadness, grief, bewilderment? I don’t even know what to call it. And when that happens, I come here to Chump Lady’s website and I read her column, and it doesn’t even matter if I directly relate (in my case, the OW lived a 1000 miles away and so I’ve never even met her–thank goodness–so no opportune moments to hang up troll cut-outs), I still find myself cheered up and reassured. I am okay. I can do this. He really really does suck. The world feels ok again. It cheers me up and reminds me that I didn’t lose. I won! Thank you thank you thank you, Tracy.

    PS He now also lives a 1000 miles away married to schmoopie, and they can go to all the BDSM classes they want. I’ll be at Disneyland! (Well, went the pandemic ends, that is.)

    • A BDSM class? WTF! Wonder what that curriculum is like. “Safe Words 101.” “Topping from the bottom.” Do they have a bazaar afterwards so you can buy bondage gear? I’m sorry, but as a woman whose husband said, after 32 years of marriage, “If we are to sex again, I want to be punished. I’m a masochist,” I find this outrageously funny.

  • Your imagination belongs to you. No one can take it away, or have it divided like an asset in court. If it comforts you to have a picture of a troll, or a sparkly turd, or a wolf in sheep’s clothing, or whatever, it is entirely yours to enjoy. You do not have to share a reason, or offer an explanation to anyone.

    I heard in a news story this weekend that President Ike Eisenhower had a habit of dealing with those who had offended him in some way. I don’t know if it is true, but he would write he offender’s name on a slip of paper, then put it in a drawer and not look at it again. Worked for him. I had a boss who wrote the initial B on a scrap of paper and carried it in her hand while she worked to resolve the issue for a particularly odious customer. Then she threw it away. I always thought it might stand for Bitch or Bastard, but that’s just a guess. Anyway, when she threw the B away she was done. It seemed to work for her. I use humor. If I can think of something ridiculous, and put bad actors into my mental image, they become ridiculous. Laughter is my best medicine.

    Whatever works for you, do it. Don’t answer questions, and you will tell no lies.

    • I love the idea. The problem with revenge and ruminating about people and their doings is that it disrupts our lives, our mental space, our peace. Better to focus on the feelings that come up for a few moments, write that name on a slip of paper and then put the paper (and the feelings) in the drawer.

      • I think I’ve gotten it all out of my system and see her (and him) for the trolls they actually are. Time to take the focus on where it needs to be, moving forward with my life!!! Onto bigger, better and beautiful things ????

  • As far as “losing one’s cool” goes, I think the troll pic was hilarious. So was the overreaction of the cheater trolls.

    But now that you’ve handed them their one rallying point in their troll campaign to convince others how “mean and bad” you are, it would be even more delightful if, as CL mentioned, you never gave them anything else to point at. Partly this is because it’s an important “eyes of the court” strategy for protecting your interests and your child’s future, but also because the one rallying point the trolls have latched onto (which they’ll surely overplay to death) will make them look absurd as everyone has pointed out. Some bystanders will be thinking, “That’s all ya got? She taped a funny picture to a window? Why were you guys LOOKING IN the window? Hmm, maybe you guys ARE trolls…” The humor-napalm effect.

    You may end up making more friends as news of this spreads. Just remember that humor is a key strategy in the bible of nonviolent political resistance. It’s toppled dictators! And it is, despite all the whining from trolls, nonviolent.

    My mother always told me that if I was dealing with people who were criminally dangerous or threatening to my livelihood, I should legally nail them to the wall which I have done when necessary. But when the offenses didn’t quite rise to that level or it wasn’t possible to take real action because of lack of evidence or witnesses, she’d say “Leave them to God,” although she wasn’t religious.

    The thing is, I’ve been left almost superstitious about how, since I was very young, “leaving them to God” did not end well for some people who crossed me. In these cases, the punishments sometimes far exceeded the crimes against me. One particularly violent grade school bully lost his leg under a train shortly after attacking me and another later died in a drunk driving crash. The creepy teen across the street in our leafy suburb who sicced his German pointer on me when I was a little kid ended up with a long prison term for drug trafficking. A negative bystander to workplace harassment (when I was an adult), one of those people who suffer from what is called “rape myth acceptance,” ended up in a family scandal so outrageous that it was all over national headlines. My horrible, rapey ex boss ended up in international headlines when he was exposed by nearly a dozen women for sexual assault. Then there was the older colleague who plagiarized my work in a sneaky way to avoid intellectual property dispute and later committed suicide. I have other stories like this.

    Little kids get spooked that they somehow “control” outcomes (like thinking they can make planes fall out of the sky with their minds, etc.). But as adults we know we don’t. What mom meant by “God” was leaving people to swim in their own psychoses. When people reap what they sow or pay the price for running with company even worse than themselves, which abusive and disordered people have a tendency to do, you can end up with mixed feelings about the comeuppance.

    In my own cheating saga, the worst thing I did to the OW other than just existing was to write a polite, concerned IM to her parents about the situation. My prime reason for doing it wasn’t payback or even concern. I was worried the idiot might fake a suicide attempt after getting dumped on D-Day or might even accidentally succeed in offing herself. The description of her obsessive, screeching, self-pitying tirades over the phone and by text and voicemail after learning she’d been outed scared the shit out of me. Bunny-boiler or self-harmer? I didn’t want to find out.

    Because it was my daughter who discovered the smoking AP email (as apparently a lot of teen girls do– weird statistic) and then told me and her brothers about it, I didn’t want an icky shadow like that hanging over my kids. Of course if something like this happened, I would try to keep it from children but I prefer to live with as few secrets as possible. They’re like walls in relationships and kids can always feel it (which is why my daughter hacked emails).

    I’ve never had a close friend who was suicidal. If someone I knew to be a good person admitted that they had been considering suicide, I would try to be as helpful as humanly possible. But I know from experience with a few borderline types (I worked in a creative field that was full of them) that these threats can also be a form of terrorism and that embarrassment can snap some people out of their manipulative trances. In the past I’d actually had someone thank me for calling the cops on them when they were making drunken calls to people threatening suicide. It spoils the drama. Then again, if they’re genuinely suicidal they can also flip the program and become murderous. I let it be known that I’d lawyered up, that solid proof existed, that people outside my family knew and any motive that crazy troll might have for harming my family had been exposed.

    In that case I didn’t quite leave it to God. I went a bit out of my way, partly because “God” seems to be a lot more vicious than I am. As it was, I had to work very hard to help my daughter understand that blowing the whistle was the best thing for all of us so she wouldn’t carry around that false burden of responsibility for the rest of her life. She knew I’d verified everything (turns out a few people who worked with AP were relieved to unburden themselves of filthy secrets and provided concrete evidence) and it wasn’t our fault there was anything to know.

    “Leaving it to God” does not mean keeping other people’s dirty secrets. It’s not even a show of compassion. It’s walking out of the shit-show, wiping it off your feet, making sure no one’s following you with another shit-bucket, knee-capping them if they try and washing your hands.

  • I needed this laugh today. Had a crying jag last night from 1-4am. But, you pick yourself up off of the floor and learn that Nomore33 is messing with the OW, and suddenly the day is looking a bit brighter.

    I love the idea of a troll collection parading across the window sill. Or have little troll families sitting in chairs or cooking dinner together. I would be dying laughing thinking of the OW shrieking in fear each morning as she looks out her window at your new display.

    Even better is my mental image of the court room scene of your STBX trying to convince the judge that this is unbalanced behavior. If the judge was anything like me, he/she would throw you a couple more troll window display ideas.

    Stay mighty, Nomore33. You’ve got this. And never beat yourself up for slipping. It had to have been fun hitting print on that troll picture. Maybe frame it and hang it on the wall to remind yourself that they suck.

  • I didn’t read any of the comments, but I love the troll picture! LOL! I would keep that damn thing up and let her try and get a restraining order against me. Let her explain to anyone and she would become the laughing stock of the police station. As an aside, I’m at meh now with my POS ex. but if I lived next to the whore (s) he was fucking, they probably would have had much worse than a troll picture.

    I like your humor and even if others disagree with me, I think posting that was brilliant and still mighty. You know your worth and you know trash is trash. The only exception to this, however, is that we should never underestimate one’s will to seek revenge. The troll picture could make her seethe and do something irrational – or she could tell someone who is irrational and that person might seek revenge on you. So, for your own safety it might be wise to take it down, but just know the idea behind it is brilliant and funny and powerful! You got this!

  • I agree you should try to move the lawyer appointment up if you can. Or perhaps get another opinion so you have some basis for comparing attorneys.

    But it’s super important for you to take your focus off The Troll Next Door and onto what you need and want for your future. Because of the situation, it may be in your best interest to force the sale of the house so you don’t have to look at her. Do you need spousal support?Or partial support if you are employed but don’t earn as much as your STBX? What about child support? Are there enough assets to allow you to buy a house or condo? Have you secured your valuables? Your STBX is still living with you, right? Or has a key? He can walk it with TrollND and take whatever he wants. So your jewelry, family heirlooms, photos, and other things you want to keep safe need to be secured. Secure originals of birth certificate, kiddo documents, pet documents. Let him worry about getting copies or new certified copies.

    Bank accounts, bonds, stocks, pensions, taxes, insurance.Take photos of all account numbers and the pages that indicate the value of the resource, all declarations pages, etc. If you have your own vehicle, secure all documents to that car.

    Have you looked at all your finances? Is he draining marital money for his affair? While you are still married, run credit checks to look for hidden debt. Lock down your credit. If you don’t have a separate checking or savings, open one. Do some research on a bank that has a good reputation for helping single mothers. I use a local bank who has helped me refi twice, once during the financial collapse in 2008 and again when I separated from my XH the substance abuser.

    If you fill your time and your mind with what you need to do for survival, you will have less time to think about the TrollND.

    • We rent our home. He has been financially abusing me up the wazoo. It’s really bad. I have nothing. Thank God I have a great career. He has a good job but he’s spent every penny on God knows what. I have a very strong suspicion that I’m paying for her car. I’m copying all the financials and getting out of dodge. This bitch is also a drug and alcohol abuser so that is a huge fear that once I leave he’s going to move her in. That is one thing I’ve got to put a stop to. Praying hard on that one.

        • You will be so much better off….even if he bails on child support. If he’s abusing you financially now, more than likely getting any support from him is slim. With a great career you are a little ahead of the game. So many chumps have been out of the work force for years and now have to start from scratch.

        • For now, get a bookkeeper to sort out your expenses and find out what’s going on there. Cash withdrawals, car payments, everything. Download all the statements to a thumb drive. Find out what format (.csv) files he/she can import easily to a database. Alternatively, give him/her the password or guest access and let them go to town. Combined with a Google Map starring where those expenses occurred can give you all kinds of insight. I had enough info to strongly consider sending flowers to the STBX+OW’s regular dinner spot, as a thoughtful surprise (Troll Alert!) but I didn’t. I wonder if florists can include a little troll doll into an arrangement?? That would have been fun.

          Also, if you can, download his cell phone bills, in detail, online…not just the paper statements. Have the bookkeeper sort those into most frequent numbers, calls/texts, etc. This was the evidence I needed that totally wiped the fog from my eyes!! Best sleepless night I ever spent! I actually called 5 of the harem at 4am. Everything was made clear. The shitstorm that ensued amongst them all (I was watching his cell phone activity real-time) was unbelievable and confirmed all my suspicions. He’d already left and was gaslighting the hell out of me. Don’t be me.

          In the present, just access and download everything you can. Monitor the account daily. The analysis can wait for later. Protect yourself!!

          • He uses what’s app and another type of app to talk to her so not sure how to go about tracing that

      • Put all your income in your own checking account. Then write checks for your share of the bills. Don’t worry about what happens after you leave. Who cares if he moves her in, if you and your kiddo(s) are safe and you can protect your finances. The house is on fire, metaphorically speaking. Don’t worry about who may become a squatter after you leave. The forensic accountant is a good idea.

        Run a credit check.
        Lock down your credit.
        Secure your paycheck by having it direct-deposited in your separate account. Do this TODAY. You are not required to have joint checking.
        Figure out what your portion of the rent and utilities should be based on proportionate income. For example, he make $4000 after taxes and you make $2000. He pays 2/3 of the household bills. Hand him a check for 1/3 the rent and utilities every month. If it’s the reverse, you pay the 2/3. Or just chip in 1/2. You just want to look like you are doing the fair thing.

        Hold on to the rest of your money. And if he squawks about this, ask him where all his money is going. Demand to see the figures. Save all receipts for anything you buy. Everything. (If you are inclined, put it in a spreadsheet).

        If Cheater is having a 5-year affair with a substance abuser or addict, the chances of him being a substance abuser or addict–near 100%.

        I think your focus on the TrollNextDoor, while understandable, is also blinding you to the larger issues here. Note that we don’t find out about Troll’s substance abuse until now. That should be a huge concern, not about her romantic future with the man you are going to divorce, but for your son. Get very clear on your husband’s drinking and drug use. You want to know where the money is going? There.

        And you cannot save a marriage where there is infidelity AND untreated substance abuse. Please know that what he’s doing isn’t about you. It’s that substance abusers will gravitate to their own kind for their real life (the substances) but love to keep enablers around to pay the bills and do adult things. It will be important for you to get counseling about the damage done to you because you were living with a substance abuser. Lots of “stinking thinking” that gets normalized.

        • Oh for sure he is using no doubt about that. I’m also in recovery a miracle I’m staying sober. The pending custody issues are keeping me very strong and sober. I did already get a separate checking account and will be depositing all my future checks into my account. I’m out on workers camp right now and will be going back to work ASAP. I know my focus needs to come off of her, I just don’t want her anywhere near my son. I started therapy a few months ago and it has helped a lot, that and most of all chump nation.

  • My first thought might be the judge’s first thought too: OW looks at your windows? How creepy is that!

    • Yes absolutely! They are just probably so used to their monster wife narrative. That bitch needs to get a life. It’s time for me to take the focus off that witch.

  • Btw I did put a mirror against the wall to deflect her evil right back at her!!! She is pure evil. Got a nice wind chime with a rooster on it (looked up some Feung Sheui stuff about evil neighbors and they suggested that). and also got a beautiful privAcy glass block because I love to have the sun shine into my kitchen. Praising God for chump nation!!!

  • YES on the reflective window tint or mirror! Why use a picture of a troll when she can look at her own troll face, the real McCoy?

    Yes, the stunning hypocrisy is mind-blowing, in a nuclear bomb kind of way.

  • Wow amazing! Very rare though, most judges could care less would be amazing to see them swing in that direction.

  • Dear No More 33, you didn’t do anything wrong and don’t be intimidated by the cheater and his side kick. I’m a Chump who too was convinced of being afraid – my husband of 26 years, that great guy, that Beverly Hills surgeon banged more than 20 whores throughout our marriage but only confessed to one affair saying she was a nice girl, an Olympic equestrian, who of course was just a whore who put a pony tail up her ass to be ridden in the SM dungeon- but, nonetheless, she came to our home screaming for money ( extortion is the new prostitution) so it took$30,000 to get a Criminal Protective Restraining order against her- what I learned ( and I’m a lawyer) is that the court system will always protect the whores – you bitter wives are just crazy jealous women who live in nice houses – see these poor prostitutes suck dick all day because they are forced to. Of course this is crazy!!! Of course they do it by choice and do favors to the police as well!! But the system is crooked, honest hard working people pay the fees for these criminals to go to rehab. And I’m liberal!!! Stay focused, collect data, stay calm, karma will get them all in the end, we might not see it, but step over these dirty cheating people, I’m so hurt by this cheating monster I married yet the whole city of Beverly Hills thinks he’s the best surgeon- do I bring the golden goose to his knees and show the world his pig snout or do I just milk him for the only thing he’s worth now $ not love. He spit on our marriage. I too wrote close to 200 letters to the authorities about the whores up and actively prostituting right in our neighborhood and it fell on deaf ears – the Ben Hills police chief who was fired replied that “escorting is legal”. Haha.

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