Stupid Things People Say to Chumps

People say a lot of stupid, insensitive things to chumps. It’s everything from the grossly mistaken — “Gee, the affair partner doesn’t seem all that bad!” To the dunderheaded smugness of, “I’m so glad my husband would never cheat on me.” (Bully for you.)

Chumps, being pretty nice people, are usually taken completely off guard. Did you really just say that? To help you identify Stupid Shit Other People Say, I’ve broken it down into a few categories.

1. Your Misfortune Is Very Threatening to Me. See “dunderheaded smugness” above. If a comment seems oddly competitive — “I’m so lucky that my biggest marital crisis was my husband buying a Trans Am!” — you can rest assured that this person is deeply freaked out by you. So let’s heartily avow that Bad Things could never, ever happen to them. Why did a bad thing happen to you? Well, because you brought it on yourself. And in that respect, we’re very, very different people. Unless we’re not. In which case your misfortune may be contagious, so I’m going to avoid you entirely in any case to make sure I don’t catch it.

2. You’re Doing It All Wrong. You know what you need right now? Someone yelling at you from the sidelines of your life. “You should wait 6 months before you make a decision. You didn’t wait 6 months? OMG! Everyone knows you have to wait 6 months!” Chances are this person has never experienced your particular calamity, but they are well versed in exactly how you are fucking this up. You really should thank them. No? What’s wrong with you?

3. Damning with Faint Comparisons. Let’s say you share that your wife cheated on you with 15 men she met on Craigslist. This is the person formerly-known-as-your-friend who replies, “Wow. That reminds me of like, when my car wouldn’t start. I thought it was the battery, but no, the whole alternator was bad. Cost me $700. Can you believe it?” No. No we cannot believe it.

4. Norman Vincent Unreal. “Think outside the box! Shift the paradigm! Breathe!” Are you feeling suicidal? Norman has exactly the right sunny cliche to make it all better. “Everything happens for a reason.” You can’t find a reason? “Every cloud has a silver lining!” Please God make him stop. “A smile is just a frown turned upside down!” “You’ll find someone when you least expect it!” “It’s always darkest before the dawn!”

So I’m curious — what sort of stupid shit did other people say to you? (Not including the cheater, of course, who has their own page of Stupid Shit entirely.)

****

This column ran previously. 

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FormerlyKnownAs
FormerlyKnownAs
1 year ago

My friend said, “Watching what’s happened to you and the FW has made our marriage much stronger and we’re so much happier now.”

Hell of a Chump
Hell of a Chump
1 year ago

FKA

I can’t see much difference between what your friend said and “Whenever I hear of poor children getting brain cancer because their housing development was built next to a Superfund dump due to geographical racism, it makes me so happy to be white and middle class…” or “I love driving by fatal wrecks because it makes me happy to be a good driver.”

Half the Cake
Half the Cake
1 year ago

WOWWWWWWWW the urge to strike must have been strong.

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
1 year ago

wow. So does that mean she was a weak and unhappy chump? Formerly, I hope “that besides having gained a life, you lost this “friend”

FormerlyKnownAs
FormerlyKnownAs
1 year ago
Reply to  ClearWaters

Let’s just say that I cooled it off by always being busy when they invited me places! I didn’t want it get back to FW that I told them off. Also, they were Switzerland friends until FW pissed them off then they wanted to complain about him to me. Unreal.

Chumpnomore6
Chumpnomore6
1 year ago

Dear God. That is mind bogglingly cruel. I hope she’s no longer your friend! 👿

susie lee
susie lee
1 year ago

Also, statistically half of those folks saying that have been cheated on or are currently being cheated on.

Daughterofachump
Daughterofachump
1 year ago
Reply to  susie lee

susie lee, Or, they’re cheating.

Fourleaf
Fourleaf
1 year ago

As I’m still the only one in my former social circle that this has happened to, I’m sure my coupled up friends think the same thing.

Golfgrrl
Golfgrrl
1 year ago
Reply to  Fourleaf

You’re probably not the “only one in your social circle.” I’m always suprised what people hide.

Rebecca
Rebecca
1 year ago

😳🤮🤬

MichelleShocked
MichelleShocked
1 year ago

Wow too many to count. Here’s a few:

(1) from another parent at my friend’s elementary school who just found out what happened “You cannot divorce. You must win him back. This is for your child.”

(2) FW’s grandma “use your feminine wiles to win him back”

(3) a woman in my ladies group (we’d met every month): “I’ll bet you’re getting rid of a lot of furniture and having to move houses. I don’t have to because I’m still married.”

(4) a friend: “There’s no way FW did this. He is such a good dad. I just don’t see it.” (To be fair, she did come around. We were all in shock and hoodwinked by the cover narcissist)

(5) everyone who said “he’ll come running back. They always do.” He didn’t. They don’t. I’m thankful.

(6) a trainer at my gym “he wasn’t getting his needs met at home. That’s always the case …you just can’t admit it.” (he’s no longer my trainer)

bread&roses
bread&roses
1 year ago

Feminine wiles insinuations are so insulting. After I moved out of my home into a friend’s place to get away from my serial cheating FW when he became physically abusive, I told that friend how disgusted I was when FW casually invited me to join him and a visiting friend (who was dying of cancer) for ice cream cones, as if he hadn’t just beaten me up and screwed me over, and we’d all have some wholesome fun together. I declined, but my “friend’s” response was that were she in my place, she would’ve gotten dolled up and made him see what he was missing. The thought of seeing, let alone dressing up for, that abusive POS made me feel sick. And to have to fake nice and easy, because I wasn’t about to put a dying man in the middle of it? How gross.

Soon after, she commented that if it had been her partner, she probably would have stayed. She was one of the few confidantes I’d told about most of what happened (though I was still protecting FW back then, she knew plenty to know it was an unhealthy, and increasingly dangerous, situation). Needless to say, grateful as I was for the temporary housing she offered for a couple of months when I was in dire straits… I moved away and stopped responding to her calls, texts and cards. Haven’t regretted it, though I was disappointed and sad at first.

chumpedchange
chumpedchange
1 year ago

My mother came through for me ” he did?!!!! Take him for everything” this was SO amazing as she was a big fan of his.

ivyleaguechump
ivyleaguechump
1 year ago

My FW’s “needs” were, apparently, anal sex. I cannot physically perform this act, so he had no choice but to cheat. Hope Schmoopie enjoys being sodomized by a guy with a heavy porn habit and resulting delayed ejaculation.
No take backs!

kmanning
kmanning
1 year ago
Reply to  ivyleaguechump

Were you married to my ex? Lol.

Hell of a Chump
Hell of a Chump
1 year ago
Reply to  ivyleaguechump

At some point in the “full disclosure” part of the RIC fiasco, FW confessed that Schmoops reported having anal sex in the past. I couldn’t suppress my “ick” reaction and he got defensive, sputtering “I didn’t know you had such strong prohibitions against that!” But I wasn’t imagining this in the context of responsible couples carefully practicing their mutually preferred kink but the reality of two drunken, irresponsible, callous slobs driving drunk on the freeway, rawdogging each other and exposing me and my children to whatever without our knowledge or consent. My reaction had little to do with morality but facts and stats and what this meant regarding my own health– like the fact Schmoopie refused to use condoms and the 230% to 310% increased risk that people who engage in unprotected anal will be infected with STDs and the increased risk of delayed diagnosis. As a measure of how high the risk of infection is, I was thinking of reports of teen girls ending up on colostomy bags because of the generation of men raised on PornHub who demand what they see in streaming videos. Meanwhile more than half of gay men apparently won’t do it because a lot of measures are required to avoid permanent injury and increased risk of infection and not everyone thinks it’s worth it. I was also having an intrusive head film of his dumpy Schmoopie using one of those training kits where people shove progressively larger plugs up their butts over a period of weeks or months to stretch their sphincter muscles. But that’s only if it was a carefully planned activity within past relationships rather than an unplanned bang during one of her Tinder hookups– which, again, increases the specter of STIs.

And what’s even worse, FW went gape-mouthed when I rattled off all the above. He was completely ignorant of any of the risks he was subjecting me to. He hadn’t even bothered to Google any of it. So I stand by my “ick” reaction. It’s like he just announced he’d been exposed to ebola after using my toothbrush.

Freedomfinally22!
Freedomfinally22!
1 year ago

Yep apparently that was something ap would engage in with him. Texts or emails she shared with me referenced their first hookup ” It was like a movie scene when you came into the hotel room and immediately kissed me, then we spent the night exploring each others bodies” trust me that thought is enough to make you throw up. He had not used any protection during any of their encounters. She said she felt safe with him since you knew he was only with me and no other woman and I was a faithful wife.
YEP I was and he didn’t care and was ignorant to the risks he was taking and exposing me too without my knowledge.

Hell of a Chump
Hell of a Chump
1 year ago

Too bad they didn’t “explore” each other under lights strong enough to find genital lesions. (bleurgh)

I don’t think FW in my case was too assured of how clean and disease-free the AP was since he hid from her the fact that he repeated STD testing four times throughout the affair. Dumbass didn’t know there was no reliable test for men for the asymptomatic cancer-causing strains of HPV or the rate of false negatives for online testing labs. Consequently I’ll be in stirrups every six months for the next decade or so.

When I was sent to a new GYN for the testing and had to explain why, she asked, “So where’s he buried?”

PutAForkInMe
PutAForkInMe
1 year ago
Reply to  ivyleaguechump

Jesus. It’s like they’re all the same…this was a favorite request of mine and the reason he used for not touching me for over a year…

Ginger_Superpowers
Ginger_Superpowers
1 year ago
Reply to  ivyleaguechump

Asshat consistently requested this. I repeatedly tried and repeatedly told him that it was too painful. He just didn’t care.

It is the one thing I think about whether Schmoopie can accomodate.

Good N Gone
Good N Gone
1 year ago

Painfull it is, my ex raped me in a situation he knew I would not fight . His new wife better like it or he will rape her also .

Chumptastic
Chumptastic
1 year ago

The one that made me the madness was, “My husband knows if he cheats on me, I will kill him.” So infuriating!

Chumpita
Chumpita
1 year ago
Reply to  Chumptastic

Same here. It was something like, “ you’re too nice. I’ve got mine on a really tight leash.”

KarenE
KarenE
1 year ago
Reply to  Chumpita

Yeah, a tighter leash might have actually worked on my Ex, and not only around the cheating. But guess what? I don’t want to be in a relationship with someone I have to keep on a tight leash. I’d much rather be with someone who, like me, doesn’t need a leash to act like a caring adult.

Lola Granola
Lola Granola
1 year ago
Reply to  Chumpita

Water really does find its own level.

Hell of a Chump
Hell of a Chump
1 year ago
Reply to  Chumptastic

Wow, who knew that saving up for your murder defense retainer was part of planning a wedding these days?

Limbo Chumpian
Limbo Chumpian
1 year ago
Reply to  Chumptastic

“I’m a stronger person than you are. Only the weak get cheated on. Also the threat of murder keeps my spouse in line.”

Chumptastic
Chumptastic
1 year ago
Reply to  Chumptastic

*Maddest

Hera
Hera
1 year ago

A male friend told me, after I said I cannot have those 24 years back. “And what about his 24 years?” I am still devastated.

Battletempered Lionheart
Battletempered Lionheart
1 year ago
Reply to  Hera

Oh Hera, that’s awful. Cheating, divorce and other related fuckwittery shows you the true character of your friends. Sometimes that hurts because you see that yet *another* person isn’t who you thought they were.

Also this reminds me of FW. I lost everything in the divorce. He got the house, I got the retirement account which was immediately used to pay my lawyer and half his credit card debt.
He said “but it’s MY retirement, too!”
Poor, poor sad sausage. Barf.

Resident Tengu
Resident Tengu
1 year ago

@ Battletempered Lionheart

“Sometimes that hurts because you see that yet *another* person isn’t who you thought they were.”

_Brilliantly_ pinpointed.

(also, magnificent username)

Battletempered Lionheart
Battletempered Lionheart
1 year ago
Reply to  Resident Tengu

Thank you, RT. I’ve carried your affirmation with me for days now.

Hope Springs
Hope Springs
1 year ago
Reply to  Hera

Yep….mine was effing around the whole 26, traveling all the time on”business”, robbing our family of time, money, emotional support. He was having a blast, then he’d come home on the weekend sometimes and soak up our love and adoration. Glad you ditched the trainer and the FW.

Teddy Chump
Teddy Chump
1 year ago

“There’s two sides to every story” my response.. ‘yeah, his and the truth’ followed by cutting them out of my life.

Georgie
Georgie
1 year ago
Reply to  Teddy Chump

I got that from an aquaintance. Also, “Oh well, these things happen” and “We’re not taking sides” from a neighbor.

Guest
Guest
1 year ago
Reply to  Georgie

My reply, it seems you have already judged and judged me to deserve this treatment.

ForgeOn!
ForgeOn!
1 year ago
Reply to  Teddy Chump

Ex was a ‘Jesus-cheater’, so in response to this type of comment, my retort: “There is only one side, it is God’s side and we better be on it!” As in, God TOTALLY condemns adultery, there is absolutely NO justification for it in any way, shape or form, so do not give me this ‘2-sides’ bull. Adultery is ALWAYS wrong. ForgeOn! great Nation

New York nutbag
New York nutbag
1 year ago
Reply to  ForgeOn!

So true…mentioned twice in the 10 commandments

ivyleaguechump
ivyleaguechump
1 year ago
Reply to  Teddy Chump

Teddy, probably said by a cheater. The truth is that if your FW was sooooo miserable he had to cheat, he could have done the honorable thing and divorced you first.

Limbo Chumpian
Limbo Chumpian
1 year ago
Reply to  Teddy Chump

This one also pisses me off because obviously you living your life did not require lies and deception. Shouldn’t one be less inclined to believe the story put out by the guy who said he was working late but actually getting BJs in a parking lot?

Attie
Attie
1 year ago
Reply to  Teddy Chump

Or even “there are two sides to every story”! Yeah his, and then there’s the screenshots!

Hurt1
Hurt1
1 year ago
Reply to  Teddy Chump

I got “there are 3 sides: your side, his side & the truth.” What the everloving f@#k?! This from a long term coworker.

Guest
Guest
1 year ago
Reply to  Hurt1

When I get this comment I reply with a screenshot of his online sex addict profile and ask, which part of this was a reasonable story?

bread&roses
bread&roses
1 year ago
Reply to  Hurt1

From SIL: “It’s just so hard to know what’s true, because I hear different things from both of you. It’s all so confusing.” Confusing, yes… I’ll give her that. I didn’t, but should have, asked why she would believe her brother — who was an alcoholic and addict who hid things from us all for many years, who she said made her so confused about what was true/what she felt when she tried to talk to him, and who’d covered up and lied about multiple affairs (and more) for nearly a decade — instead of me, who’d been an honest, calm, kind and loyal presence in their family’s life for fifteen years. I just took it, in the moment, but it sunk in soon after and helped me feel confident about my choice to cut contact with the entire family.

Poet
Poet
1 year ago
Reply to  Hurt1

Hey, there’s even a logical fallacy for that!

https://fallacyinlogic.com/middle-ground/

Hell of a Chump
Hell of a Chump
1 year ago
Reply to  Poet

Thanks for that, Poet. I had to go look that up and I’m repeating to myself “Golden mean fallacy, golden mean fallacy, golden mean fallacy” so it automatically pops out of my mouth if I hear someone spewing that garbage. Of course I would choose the fanciest way of saying it because the kind of know-it-all who would say such a thing is exactly the type of person to feel threatened by terms they don’t understand. All the more fun if you can say it in Latin: “argumentum ad temperantiam.” 😉

bread&roses
bread&roses
1 year ago

Or just keep it simple: fuckwit fallacy. My ex got so far with this kind of “logic.” I knew he was wrong but could never respond in the moment.

Poet
Poet
1 year ago

I love this example from that page: “Andy thinks that Michigan is south of Indiana, but Linda believes it is north of Indiana. Thus, it must be west of Indiana.”

Hell of a Chump
Hell of a Chump
1 year ago
Reply to  Poet

Brilliant.

weedfree
weedfree
1 year ago

the myth of mutuality is the one that pisses me off the most (as it does for any victim of abuse)- “it takes two to tango”

justme
justme
1 year ago
Reply to  weedfree

A friend of his said “It takes two to tango.” My response seemed to shock him .” And only one of them to mess both up”.

Juniper
Juniper
1 year ago
Reply to  justme

Or my more crass reply: “…only takes one to fuck up the dance.”

Susannah
Susannah
1 year ago
Reply to  weedfree

My response to ‘It takes two to tango’ (from a religious friend): getting slammed to the floor repeatedly isn’t dancing. Idiot. Yeah, we aren’t friends anymore.

Poet
Poet
1 year ago
Reply to  weedfree

Yeah, and a third to cut in.

Fourleaf
Fourleaf
1 year ago
Reply to  weedfree

Uuuugh, the two to tango one. I hate that one.

Rebecca
Rebecca
1 year ago

OMG! All these comments are so horrible!!! It pains me to read them.

I waited 6 months to tell my mother because I knew her comments would hurt. Well, I only got one question…”did you sleep without underwear like I told you to?” Then back to talking about her.

I considered myself lucky.

Ginger_Superpowers
Ginger_Superpowers
1 year ago
Reply to  Rebecca

I also avoiding telling my father. My mother had dementia so I couldn’t talk with and she would die during this process. I was relieved when my father’s response was “why would he do that?” He was so disappointed in Asshat. He told me awhile later after he processed it, “I only have one question to ask Asshat. What would his (dead) mother think of him?”

My dad got it.

LotusDancer
LotusDancer
1 year ago

My father told me that men have needs.

Incandescent Chump
Incandescent Chump
1 year ago

Wow, I wish mine was like that!! What a great response from your father.

Adelante
Adelante
1 year ago
Reply to  Rebecca

Too bad you can’t divorce your mother.

Rebecca
Rebecca
1 year ago
Reply to  Adelante

She’s been dead for a while.
Long enough for me to recover from a lifetime of not being “enough”. Insert pretty, smart, thin, outgoing, friendly…
God bless my self-confidence 😂

SerenityNow
SerenityNow
1 year ago
Reply to  Rebecca

I’m betting you were advised to wear lipstick and put color on your cheeks too.

20th Century Chump
20th Century Chump
1 year ago
Reply to  Rebecca

Yeah, the not being “enough” to one’s mother cuts deep. After my divorce, our relationship was better for several reasons–because my divorce humanized me in her eyes and because I gained (through therapy) some understanding of her own demons and limitations. It also helped that I decided to limit contact to phone calls and short visits–during which I would be unfailingly kind, positive, and patient–hence the shortness of the visits, because my patience was limited to 3-day stints before it was hard to maintain.

Near the end of her life, she said to me “I think I didn’t appreciate you when you were younger.” A staggering admission on her part, which meant a lot–but it also made me sad because of the damage of my “not being enough” to her did to me and our relationship. And I’m sad to this day because I know we couldn’t really have an authentic relationship because she was so reflexively defensive.

DrChump
DrChump
1 year ago
Reply to  Rebecca

Rebecca,
Are you my sister?????

ExWifeOfSparkleDick
ExWifeOfSparkleDick
1 year ago

I had a “friend” that said that he cheated because I didn’t make him nachos. WTF?
And then he took the wifetress to Cancun for their honeymoon. Who knew that the way to honesty and fidelity was Mexican food?

Snapoutofit
Snapoutofit
1 year ago

Just think now you are Nacho Libre!

nomar
nomar
1 year ago

Well, he’s “nacho” problem any more. #QueBueno

Nothing Chumpares 2 U
Nothing Chumpares 2 U
1 year ago
Reply to  nomar

Wow! Taco bout a bad pun! : ) #dontblockme

Elkay
Elkay
1 year ago

My close friend who came from a family of cheaters: “You know, this OW is going to be a part of your life now. It’s time accept it and figure out a way to live with her in your and your kids’ lives.” Not the worst advice really, but she said it way too soon and I definitely didn’t try to accept the OW. Luckily, FW and OW’s fantasy came to an up-in-flames end with minimal direct contact (despite her attempts to be the new sister wife in charge.)

Fourleaf
Fourleaf
1 year ago
Reply to  Elkay

I got the same advice from an unsympathetic public lawyer: “she’s a part of your kid’s life now. It’s on you to find a way to live with her.” I began to cry (it was all still fresh) and the lawyer didn’t even look up from her paperwork. She had no time for my nonsense, it felt like.

Not bad advice though but it’s devastating to hear in the early days. I prayed for FW and GF#3’s relationship to go up in flames. It never did, they’ve now been married for longer than FW and I were, she’s been my kids’ “other mom” since they were in diapers, and… yeah, that heartless lawyer was right. She’s a part of my life and it’s on me to find a way to handle that. (Epilogue: it took me years but eventually I handled it with rules, boundaries, and No Contact. FW and Wifetress aren’t actually a part of my life (even if they are a major part of my kids’ lives), I never see them and that feels fantastic.)

Free
Free
1 year ago
Reply to  Fourleaf

OTHER MOM?

DOES YOUR KIDS KNOW ?

Fourleaf
Fourleaf
1 year ago
Reply to  Free

It doesn’t matter what they do or don’t know. She’s their stepmother.

ISawTheLight
ISawTheLight
1 year ago
Reply to  Elkay

“The new sister wife in charge” is such an apt description.

Fortunately, the same happened in my case, where FW and OW’s relationship went down in flames, so she was out of my kid’s life for good, thank god.

Chumped mate
Chumped mate
1 year ago

– Oh well, you two didn’t look that happy anyway.
– oh, that’s awful but I need to hear his side of the story, there’s always 2 sides you know!

Confused AF
Confused AF
1 year ago

I think the worst comments actually came from my mom. I can’t remember all of them but they all had the same narrative in the sense like “everyone deserves a second chance” and “what are you going to do, you think you’re gonna find someone better? it’s not that easy..” ..after I found out he cheated on me our entire 7 year relationship with around 20 different women.

Chump twice as good!
Chump twice as good!
1 year ago

It’s for the best. You’d never have left him, and he wasn’t good enough for you. Affairs happen. People separate all the time. You’ve just got to always say positive things about him because you don’t want it to damage the kids. But him fucking my friend, then moving straight in with her to play step dad to her kids didn’t damage them. Must be me calling him a prick that did it! 😱

ivyleaguechump
ivyleaguechump
1 year ago

Maybe some people are able to view spouses like they view their clothing, and swap out old clothes for new whenever they see something cute….but I can’t. Geez. “People separate all the time.” No wonder there are so many messed up people out there. They are being fed the line that it is “normal”. So just snap out of it!! Because PTSD is so easy to just get over. Grrrr.

walkbymyself
walkbymyself
1 year ago
Reply to  ivyleaguechump

When someone really loves his wife, he’ll look at her and always see the beautiful young woman he fell in love with. When he really loves his wife, he doesn’t need a new one every five years like a car lease-buy option or something.

Chump twice as good
Chump twice as good
1 year ago

And also, she must be nice, after all she was your friend, so you did used to like her 😂

ByeByeFW
ByeByeFW
1 year ago

I honestly don’t know what divine intervention kept me from all these horrible experiences, but all my friends and family were crazy supportive. Telling me what FW did is off the charts wrong, showing up to help me move, offering free childcare, sending cards of encouragement, giving me rides to court and my attorney, sending food, taking me out, staying in with me. When FW started disappearing, FWs dad, who I found out through this process is an adulterer himself, told me to “start wearing edible panties”, I shot right back to him, “he’s never home to eat them, so what good is that going to do?” Like father like son, FW and FW Jr. When the truth came out, my daughter was 11. She once said to me “AP is nice, so maybe what daddy did isn’t that bad.” I just ignored. She’s a child who wants to love her dad and see him as a good person.

ChumpedForANewerModel
ChumpedForANewerModel
1 year ago

There are just so many. People tend to be insensitive.
a. Well he never seemed happy (he was sulky man child who was always unhappy when things did not go his way)
b. You work too much (yes, I had a job and the responsibilities that come with it which means you have to show up and work. It also provided a lot of things that we would not have had without the extra income)
c. At least your son is an adult and you don’t have to worry about custody (as if this did not impact my son at all)
d. You need to forgive him, these things happen (it was an accident. He didn’t mean to spend money on Schmoopie and hookers? WTF?)
e. Well, everyone cheats (they do????? I didn’t so I guess I am not normal.)
f. He is such a nice guy (nice guys don’t lie and cheat. Nice guys don’t have hooker habits)
g. What did you do to him? (why does it have anything to do with me? It is his lack of character, morals and integrity)
h. You have to take half the blame here because a marriage is 50/50 (this from the RIC)

The great thing is I no longer have to walk on eggshells and try to sense his moods. My son (who is no contact with FW) feels more comfortable coming home and bringing friends with him. My parents spend a lot more time with me (they were never comfortable with FW around). There are definitely benefits to getting rid of a cheater.

bread&roses
bread&roses
1 year ago

“At least…” *anything* is *always* inappropriate.

LookingForwardstoTuesday
LookingForwardstoTuesday
1 year ago

I think that I’ve mentioned this one before, but someone that I used to consider a friend asked me “What do you think that now-Ex Mrs LFTT’s AP has that you don’t?”

My response was “A drink problem and low standards … rather like her.”

I am no longer in contact with my former friend, because he can fck right off with that sht.

LFTT

IcanseeTuesday
IcanseeTuesday
1 year ago

I was fortunate not to hear these comments about my situation. But a (former) friend insisted that a fictional mistress in a book were both reading “experienced even more pain than the wife/mother”. I was able to explain to her about agency and the advantage of having all the facts. Same (former) friend was adamant that a “cold wife” contributed to the biggest sex/pharmaceutical scandal in our state. Bleh.

chumped48
chumped48
1 year ago

“Men need to be needed”. My “friend” said this because she felt my husband was cheating with one of his university students AND our secretary because I was too self-sufficient. (Of course, I was self-sufficient because he was NEVER around)

Irish Chump
Irish Chump
1 year ago
Reply to  chumped48

I had the same comment from a friend. So aggravating!

MrWonderful’sEx
MrWonderful’sEx
1 year ago
Reply to  chumped48

I bet you served bagged salad, too!

susie lee
susie lee
1 year ago
Reply to  chumped48

And if you weren’t self sufficient he would have blamed that. Excuses for the cheater/cheater apologists, are so easy to pop out of their ass.

ivyleaguechump
ivyleaguechump
1 year ago
Reply to  susie lee

Whenever I did anything that he said he would do (after waiting sometimes years for the task to be accomplished), he would say I had emasculated him.

Susan
Susan
1 year ago

You share a child. You’ll be friends again someday.

ISawTheLight
ISawTheLight
1 year ago

I actually didn’t really get any comments like these. I didn’t tell many people, only the ones who I knew would support me (mom, therapist, lawyer, best friend). All our mutual friends dropped me like a hot potato, so I never got any commentary on the situation from them, at least not directed at me. I saw a few comments on social media where they were congratulating/supporting FW and OW’s relationship. Which sucked. Including a mutual friend who had divorced her husband for cheating on her. I wouldn’t have thought she’d support FW’s affair, but she did. But honestly, I am not even all that angry. FW was a consummate liar, so I’m sure no one was forming opinions based on the truth. FW and OW lied about the timeline as well, to make it sould like they got together AFTER FW filed for divorce, but in reality they’d already been together for 3 1/2 years.

My son used to ask me things like whether I liked OW, and I was just honest and said no. I said she’d been a bully to me and I don’t play with bullies. But I told him it was okay if he did like her, because we don’t have to have the same friends. He was only 6/7, so I didn’t really get into things. Now that he’s a bit older, I have set the record straight about OW a bit, because FW and OW lied to him a lot about the breakups (ours and theirs), and I think he deserves to know what really happened (minus the gory details, obviously).

Cam
Cam
1 year ago
Reply to  ISawTheLight

>I’m sure no one was forming opinions based on the truth.

Yeah, but they certainly didn’t ask to hear your side of things, did they?

These people sucked. Glad you’re rid of them.

ISawTheLight
ISawTheLight
1 year ago
Reply to  Cam

Yeah, not one person asked my side of the story. And no one even asked me if I was okay. I’d known some of them for 15 years. They’d known OW for a matter of a few months. I cut every mutual “friend” out of my life and I’m better for it.

ChumpedChild
ChumpedChild
1 year ago
Reply to  ISawTheLight

“I think he deserves to know what really happened…” Yes he does, I SawTheLight!

Miss Annabelle Lee
Miss Annabelle Lee
1 year ago

This is my fave of all the stupid advice I got;

Idiot said; “If you feel you have to break up over it, you should at least forgive and just be friends. My brother was married for 20 years when his wife had an midlife crisis. She had an affair and left him for a younger guy in a band. They are all good friends now and everybody’s happy.”

I said; “I’m sorry your brother has so little self respect that he’d be friends with the lying bitch who cucked and dumped him for some overgrown teenager. I hope for your sake that a steak of masochism doesn’t run in the family, because only a masochist would be happy in his situation.”

You should have seen his face.😄

But hey, the schmoopie was in a band. Who could blame her, right?🙄 I bet he was a drummer. They usually are.

Foghorn
Foghorn
1 year ago

Keep in mind that FW was a serial cake eater with zero remorse, was a giant creeper pervert who took video and pics of every AP encounter, mocked my trauma response, bragged about his affairs on post boards, gaslight, kept “working late” after Dday and would always threaten suicide daily as his last ditch attempt to both keep me on his hook but also show the world what a heartless demon I was for leaving while he was so suicidal.

Neighbor: “A man like that deserves a second chance. Only a good man could maintain a garden like that”.

Ummm… excuse me 😯

Susannah
Susannah
1 year ago
Reply to  Foghorn

That reminds me of my friend being shocked that a mutual friend of ours had been raped by her boyfriend: “But his parents are teachers!”

Adelante
Adelante
1 year ago
Reply to  Foghorn

The only response to that is, “Yes, and Hitler liked dogs.”

Fourleaf
Fourleaf
1 year ago

A friend that I was confiding deeply in, during the GF#3/Wifetress D-Days, said once, off the cuff: “I kind of feel bad for her. I mean, FW’s the bad guy here because he has a wife he’s cheating on, but she was single. She was cheating on no one. And here this turd comes along and lies to her and gets her in a relationship with him. I just feel bad for her too because he’s the only one doing anything wrong here.”

I just stared at my friend like he had grown a second head. Then I went on a (very uncharacteristic for me) free-fall rant which I won’t subject you too but the highlights included “she met us *as a couple* and knew he was married” and “I don’t feel bad for her! How could anyone?! She sent him texts to sneak out and come see her in the middle of the night!!” (Etc.)

My friend let me finish and then politely disagreed, noting that, in his opinion, there’s a certain amount of blame to pass around in this kind of situation and that only the married party deserves most of that blame. He allowed for a bit of a blame split (80-90% married cheater’s fault and 10-20% affair partner’s fault) but maintained that, unless they are also partnered up, an affair partner is mostly blameless.

I don’t hang out with this friend anymore. I didn’t dump him on the spot, as he was otherwise supportive and kind except for this *very weird take,* but I did phase out contact with him over the years (due to other factors unrelated here) and now I never see him at all and that feels good and right. Some friendships, even if they were good, weren’t meant to last.

❤️ Velvet Hammer ❤️
❤️ Velvet Hammer ❤️
1 year ago
Reply to  Fourleaf

Fourleaf, next time I go to Neiman Marcus, I’ll bring a big empty shopping bag and use this empty-headed logic to fill it with whatever I want.

Hey, I didn’t make vows to Neiman Marcus! It’s THEIR job to keep me from absconding with their merch. It’s mine for the taking if security lets me in!

Emily Ratajkowski is the latest supermodel with a baby to be cheated on. She, who has written a tome of feminist wisdom, also posted a bullshit vomit TikTok where she explains how cheating accomplices are not responsible. Blecch.

❤️ Velvet Hammer ❤️
❤️ Velvet Hammer ❤️
1 year ago

……of course the number one perp is the cheater. Duh. But to be a cheater, you need an accomplice. And accomplices are guilty of wrongdoing too. I would say the exception is an accomplice who is a minor…..

Maryann
Maryann
1 year ago

When someone told me they met the mistress I asked “What is she like?” Their response was “SHE has a lot of money.”

As if this somehow made her better than me who owned a business with my ex husband.

thesunstartscomingup
thesunstartscomingup
1 year ago

I spoke to my ex-mother-in-law shortly after D-day. She very matter-of-factly said of the OW – “yes, I’ve heard she’s young, attractive and very clever.” Still can’t believe she said that to me, having been married to her son for nearly 30 years. She also told me to “be patient.” I didn’t follow her advice.

BigCityChump
BigCityChump
1 year ago

From my MOTHER in front of my KIDS when I told her I was unable to visit her (at her nursing home that she hated) as often as I was bc I was struggling after DD—Why should I suffer bc you married that bastard!!!!! I told the kids to leave the room and went ballistic. Welp…1000s of visits and acts of love made me think I deserved a little compassion, but nope.

My mother also told me I should get a boa and spice things up. Which sadly is what a lot of people told me. Jokes such as AP must give the best BJs. (To which I dryly replied—No I do.) Since I knew the APs past relationships (she was a close friend) all became sexless, it is my sincere hope that my X is enjoying a sexless existence with his twu luv. Me? I’m enjoying me some carefree dating!

Her Blondeness
Her Blondeness
1 year ago
Reply to  BigCityChump

Sis, is that you? Seriously, Big City, sounds just like my mom. Compassion and empathy genes both missing from her DNA. Now she sits alone in her room in the assisted living facility and wonders why none of her kids visit. Um, look in the mirror?

Fourleaf
Fourleaf
1 year ago

Another one I hate is when people encourage you to stop feeling sorry for yourself and to start taking Christmas photos together because you’re all one big blended family now. This sentiment is rampant on social media and is usually posted in meme form by married friends who fantasize that, were they ever to divorced, they would happily sit next to their ex’s new partner at soccer games because a united front is “what’s best for the kids.”

Fourleaf
Fourleaf
1 year ago
Reply to  Fourleaf

The implication, of course, is that because I will not celebrate holidays or soccer games with FW and Wifetress, I am an unforgiving shrew who holds a grudge and can’t swallow her pride and put the kids first.

This sentiment always comes from those who were never cheated on. It comes from married friends and it comes from FW and it comes from FW’s parents.

I’m older and, hopefully, wiser now. I know that if something has never happened to me yet (like the death of a parent or the death of a child) then I have no right to pass judgement on something I simply have no experience with.

❤️ Velvet Hammer ❤️
❤️ Velvet Hammer ❤️
1 year ago
Reply to  Fourleaf

What’s Best For The Kids is to teach them to avoid people who stab other people in the back, to end a relationship ethically, keep the agreements you make, and not lie and deceive others.

ISawTheLight
ISawTheLight
1 year ago

THIS. When I explain what happened with our divorce to my son (he’s 10), my main point is the lack of RESPECT. To have a girlfriend while you are married, and to lie about it, is disrespectful, and I can’t be with someone who would disrespect me like that. I tell my son that he’s not obligated to be friends with, or spend time with, people who treat him badly. He is free to walk away. That’s why daddy and I couldn’t stay married. Daddy didn’t treat me well (I’ve even shared some of the abuse, in age-appropriate terms, though I told my son that I’m not ever telling him he can’t love his dad or have good memories [my ex died last year]; my son said “I have good memories and some not so good ones, but I think about the good ones). And I’ve ALWAYS stressed honesty.

-Respect
-Kindness
-Honesty
These are FUNDAMENTAL to any relationship.

❤️ Velvet Hammer ❤️
❤️ Velvet Hammer ❤️
1 year ago
Reply to  ISawTheLight

Cheating undeniably nukes trust with the children.

The cheater and the accomplices are unsafe and untrustworthy. Trust and safety are the inextricable qualities of a healthy relationship. I will NEVER promote someone as safe and trustworthy to my daughter. who is not. It would set her up to put unsafe and untrustworthy people in her own life. This is the reality that goes completely over the little tiny minds of cheaters and their accomplices. And it’s a consequence of cheating that they vehemently disavow.

A man who leaves his ten year old daughter home alone, with no phone, lies to her about where he is going, and rides his bike off to hook up with a cockroach hiding in a hotel room in town? NEITHER of them cares about the welfare of the child, and neither of them is qualified to be a caregiver for a child, and it’s too bad the legal system denies this.

Who was on duty with our daughter while he was out and about, lying about his whereabouts and who-abouts?

Me. And I remind him every motherfucking time he dares to tell me how much he cares about our daughter.

Daughterofachump
Daughterofachump
1 year ago

In some, but not all, US states, it’s illegal to leave a minor under a certain age without supervision. Depends on state law.

Chumpadellic
Chumpadellic
1 year ago

The legal system and their “it is always in the best interest of the children to have a relationship with each parent… “ BS, are lazy and clueless. It is NOT in the best interest of a child to be abused. Lied to, neglected, gaslit, invalidated, is all mind-fuckery and does more damage than is measurable. It makes me angry that judges and lawyers still push for 50/50, when that is the WORST thing a child can be subjected to.
My daughters want to live with me 100% and that is why I fought for that. I instinctively knew it was worth the fight so both my dukes were up and blazing.
Turns out FW is living with AP and her 2 daughters (replacement team players / tax write-offs) so my gut instincts were right all along.

Anarchyintheukok
Anarchyintheukok
1 year ago
Reply to  Chumpadellic

I agree, Chumpadellic, 50/50 is bullshit. Maybe in a normal divorce and where the FW actually had a hand in equally raising the children. They have to pack up and live in two households. I would hate that as an adult, let alone a vulnerable child whose just had their version of reality destroyed

Most of these entitled pricks left the majority of parenting to the chump and then whine 50/50. FWs are too sparkly to parent sensibly

It’s normally to avoid paying fair maintenance

My DS has mental health issues, including saying he wishes he was dead. He needs his stability

ISawTheLight
ISawTheLight
1 year ago

“Most of these entitled pricks left the majority of parenting to the chump and then whine 50/50. FWs are too sparkly to parent sensibly. It’s normally to avoid paying fair maintenance”

My ex exactly. I was keeping my son full time during quarantine (since I was working from home and ex had to go into the office), but the MOMENT I asked for child support, ex was “miraculously” able to work from home part time.

Samsara
Samsara
1 year ago

Hmmm. Stupid Shit People Who Really Should Know Better Say:
Quite a few of the ones mentioned above unfortunately but there were also a few absolute pearlers from all directions:

Example 1 — Ex best female friend:
“Oh God, I wish [ExBFF’s husband] would have an affair.”
Picture my head spinning off its axis at this one while I was in the depths of despair and heartbreak.
Example 1A — Also Ex best female friend:
“He’s not coming back”
Said about my cheater, approx one hour after he ran off into the night after a fake tantrum.
Um. It’s the first night. I’m hysterical. Can I please have a minute to process my shock first before pronouncements are intoned from on high? K thanks.

Example 2 — my accountant (who now still does the “Swiss” banking of my exCheaterFW):
“You are both so different. It’s amazing it lasted so long!” 18 years by the time we were actually divorced, so yeah, long doncha think? I can’t even. She was fully aware he cheated on me however the narc missing empathy / sensitivity chip was duly noted.

Example 3 — My father:
“Well, you must have done **something**”
I sent him a text later saying something ranty about rape and skirt lengths, drinks consumed, consent, coercion etc to bring him up to #MeToo speed or at the least into the 21st century to clarify that I in no way deserved this abandonment and infidelity. And, no, I didn’t **do** anything to make either of my ex husbands cheat on me.

Example 4 — My sister:
“Why are you still referring to him as your ‘husband’?”
Like this was some terrible word, some completely outlandish concept and yet it was less than 6 months from D-Day at that point not to mention 15.5 years and I was still smoking hopium like a fiend not to mention in my country you have to be separated for a year before you can do anything legally to begin the process of divorce, a fact she well knew.

Example 5 — Brother #2:
“Everyone gets divorced! You need to get over it.” Pause. “I’ll never be divorced though.”
To this one I managed to quip, “Well, it’s your first marriage, and you do tend to think that with the first one.”

Example 5 — Said too many times to count by too many people in general:
“Well at least you don’t have children with him, thank goodness.”
This last one is honestly the WTF of all time.
I went through terminations, miscarriages and IVF with CheaterX. They can all GFT for saying that to me.

Wanting to be on the Other Side
Wanting to be on the Other Side
1 year ago

I have been told:
“He shows up for his access. The OW (wealthy home wrecking whore now wife) and her 4 children are good to your children. He is a good father.”

Every time someone tells me he was a bad husband to me but is a good father to them, I cry inside.

Sirchumpalot
Sirchumpalot
1 year ago

I was told to wait 6 months also. I filed 2 1/2 weeks later because she wasn’t repentant. “I am sorry but…” Also that only unhappy (with you) women cheat, so what did I do to cause her to cheat? That I deserved to be cheated on because of some issues (FOO) of mine and this was from my “best friend”. And the one that drove me nuts the most “you shouldn’t act like this…” when I was at my lowest of low. Like those who have had their lives blown up should be skipping and smiling down the street. Also I was judged harshly because I posted on FB that my old life ended at 9:10 am and that one chapter closed and another opened on the day of my divorce. Never even used the word “divorce”. Some people believe that you should only post happy and positive things.

MrWonderful’sEx
MrWonderful’sEx
1 year ago
Reply to  Sirchumpalot

I have never understood people who think social media posts need to be constant sunshine. I would probably unfriend such people and solve the problem for them.

susie lee
susie lee
1 year ago
Reply to  Sirchumpalot

I don’t know where this prevalent wait 6 months comes from. A cheating con man/woman can bankrupt a spouse in half that time.

Get that legal separation in place, I know not all states have legal separation, then go straight to D. I have researched some of the states folks claim don’t have a legal separation and in fact many of them do, they just call it something different. It is legally separating the finances and responsibility for any new debts. It is also a part of getting prelim child support and spousal support (if in play).

Per Google (All states except Delaware, Florida, Georgia, Mississippi, Pennsylvania, and Texas recognize legal documentation of separation.).

So in those states go straight for D. Get rid of that barnacle as soon as possible.

Lee Chump
Lee Chump
1 year ago
Reply to  susie lee

Susie: I think people get the time people used to say after death of a spouse to wait six months before you make any decisions…and they think of that six months when talking about a separation or divorce. Nope. Why wait six months when you know something is not acceptable to you.

susie lee
susie lee
1 year ago
Reply to  susie lee

I should also add, I know not everyone is in US, so of course that is a different situation. But for all try your best to research what is allowed to get you free of a con artist.

ivyleaguechump
ivyleaguechump
1 year ago
Reply to  Sirchumpalot

Apologies never have the word, “but” attached to them. Ever.

Rosie
Rosie
1 year ago

Father in law after husbands life long hooker habit (of which he shared 20 years with me (and about 400 hookers)) was exposed: ‘it is just as tragic for him as it is for you.’
And:
‘Do you really think there is much demand for an 38-year-old mother of three? He is your best option.’
‘99% of him is really good, just this one little thing…look at all the good!’
I knew that was bullshit, and this fueled my anger even more. I am a divorced woman since last friday and it feels like such a relief! One year and one month post D-day I can start my life again, without Fuckwith. He still lives here until he finds himself a decent place, and as soon as he does I will be even more free than I already feel now!

Battletempered Lionheart
Battletempered Lionheart
1 year ago
Reply to  Rosie

“… Much demand for a 38 year old mother of three”

😡😡😡🤬
This REALLY steams me. Unfortunately, this attitude is common. I used to believe it.

Now I know my kids aren’t unwanted baggage. It is a PRIVILEGE to take care of them and be in their lives.

Dontfeellikedancin
Dontfeellikedancin
1 year ago
Reply to  Rosie

Congratulations, Rosie!

Sounds like he learned certain fuckwittery from dear old dad.

I was told “he loves you, he’s not with her anymore anymore!” by MiL who, of course, is a FW herself. She was generally supportive of me otherwise, but good God, could she not see that she had taught her son her own disordered definition of “love,” and that it was no more acceptable to me than to her first husband??

Adelante
Adelante
1 year ago
Reply to  Rosie

Congratulations on that big step forward. Now push to get him out of your house.

Adelante
Adelante
1 year ago
Reply to  Adelante

Sounds like he should go live with his father.

❤️ Velvet Hammer ❤️
❤️ Velvet Hammer ❤️
1 year ago

A former friend, also a chump, told me he cheated because the house was messy.
(I was handicapped from post-infectious neuropathy for quite a while, and Traitor Ex was “busy with work”, so yes, the house did suffer. It looked like a magazine spread all the years before I had a child and was handicapped, so yes, that must have been it.)

She lives in my neighborhood. I walked out of her house and have never spoken to her again. It’s been four years now.

The first mediator told us “you need to be friends” and “it takes two people for a marriage to end and anyone who doesn’t understand that is a narcissist.” Boomed at me during a private conversation, “I HAVEN’T HEARD ONE THING FROM (about) YOU WHY THIS MARRIAGE ENDED!” Later told me what a Nice Guy Traitor Ex is. Fired. I’m actually grateful Traitor Ex agreed to fire him. We were quite a ways into the divorce when this happened and I felt like I was stuck.

Traitor Ex’s therapist, which I referred him to, said to me, “He was unhappy, he met someone and fell in love.” I said, “When I am unhappy with a restaurant, I don’t keep eating there for 27 years.” I was unhappy and I TALKED TO him, was basically ignored, and didn’t cheat. It infuriates me that anyone thinks “falling in love” happens instantly with no agency. Just walking along, minding your own business, and BOOM, like lightning striking! In love! IT JUST HAPPENS! Like a stray bullet! A freak accident! No time and energy and attention paid to that person or prolonged pattern of deceit required! And of course, if you have feelings of attraction, you HAVE to act on them, because, you know, YOLO! Man, that one REALLY pisses me off.

susie lee
susie lee
1 year ago

“it takes two people for a marriage to end”

This isn’t even logical if one spends maybe a minute thinking about it. Yes it takes two to make a solid marriage, but one can quite easily destroy a marriage on his/her own in short order without the other even knowing what is happening.

It is like saying it takes two people to create a rape. Well yes there needs to be the perp and the victim; but is the victim half to blame.

Or blaming the betrayed business partner when he/she finds out his/her business partner has embezzled.

Elsie
Elsie
1 year ago
Reply to  susie lee

I don’t know where people get that because every therapist, coach, and wise person who advised me said that it takes only one person to end a marriage. My ex had addictions and documented mental health issues and took off when I asked for a separation. The last ten years together had been horrific, frankly, and that was followed by a crazy divorce that my 69 y.o. attorney called “memorable and unprecedented.”

Other than some relatively minor flaws, how did I contribute to that dumpster fire?

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
1 year ago

👏👏👏 💯

I can’t like this enough. VH nails it!

❤️ Velvet Hammer ❤️
❤️ Velvet Hammer ❤️
1 year ago

Another (former) friend enthusiastically told me, “Divorce was the best thing that ever happened to me!”

Translation “Good thing your house burned down! Now you can get all new stuff!”

Yay!

I would say divorce was NECESSARY, like removing a malignant tumor, but frankly I prefer a cancer-free existence. This is actually the worst and most painful thing that has ever happened to me.

Lots of people do not make the distinction between divorce and infidelity. They are not interchangeable situations.

❤️ Velvet Hammer ❤️
❤️ Velvet Hammer ❤️
1 year ago

And then there’s the spectacularly stupid things Traitor Ex himself said to me.

He thought we would all be friends! That I would like her! That we are a lot alike! He had been unhappy for years! That he feels like he Missed the Boat (marrying me and having a family). He’s always been attracted to Asian women and never acted on it! (I am Caucasian and this was news to me after 27 years. We are peas in a pod, her and I.)

The looloos keep coming. Just the other day he was put out that I wanted to consult with the accountant about how to handle a mistake on our corporate tax returns. I am disrespecting his thinking! Said the jerk who lied cheated and hid money from me for 20 years. How dare I. Yes. Correct. I do not respect your thinking.

It is true that ultimately I do not want any of these weeds in the garden of my life, but it still really hurts to pull them.

Ginger_Superpowers
Ginger_Superpowers
1 year ago

Asshat actually said to me “I never would have thought of her (HoWorker/Wife) if you hadn’t suggested her”. This after telling me he met his soul mate.

I almost laughed out loud! This just made me realize how ridiculous he is.

Limbo Chumpian
Limbo Chumpian
1 year ago

I also got that we had a lot in common and would like her if I would actually give her a chance. I pointed out that I had met her on several occasions, well before the affair, and tried engaging in conversations with her and she had zero interest in responding more than a few words back. He said “oh she’s socially awkward. She can come across as rude when you first meet her.” She has no friends. This was confirmed by my ex. What the hell do we have in common?!!

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
1 year ago
Reply to  Limbo Chumpian

Well, I can answer that from his POV. You two have HIM in common, and that should make both of you feel oh so special and connected.

ivyleaguechump
ivyleaguechump
1 year ago

Mine actually thought that the three of us could live a polyamorous life! Together! If she divorced her husband! Nevermind the kids!

ISawTheLight
ISawTheLight
1 year ago
Reply to  ivyleaguechump

Ha, OW actually suggested that to FW in one of her letters. That he should tell me about her and we could all be one big happy family because I “seemed to be having a really good time” that one night she was over.

No, bitch, I’m just good at keeping my game face on. I was miserable on the day in question. And no, I did not want a sister wife.

FW implied the same thing once, saying he wished he could have us both.

Lord have mercy.

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
1 year ago
Reply to  ISawTheLight

And they actually think they DESERVE both at the same time. #narcissistic #entitled

Also there’s no regard for what YOU would want. ME me me me me me me. And these FWs will never see the flaw in their thinking. No self-awareness.

walkbymyself
walkbymyself
1 year ago
Reply to  ivyleaguechump

I got that from a lot of friends — “you could agree to an open relationship.” Sure, with a liar and narcissist. Boy does that sound fun (not).

Limbo Chumpian
Limbo Chumpian
1 year ago

“ Lots of people do not make the distinction between divorce and infidelity. They are not interchangeable situations.”

Yes. I would not have reacted well if my ex had asked for a divorce without the infidelity while we had two very young kids, but it would have at least been an honest thing to do. Instead I was left wondering how much of my life was a lie.

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
1 year ago
Reply to  Limbo Chumpian

Exactly!! When I explained to someone that the supposedly unhappy FW (news to me!) should have divorced me and THEN dated, that person shrugged and said, “But no one does that.”

Nut Cluster Free Zone
Nut Cluster Free Zone
1 year ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

Sounds like that person is cheating…

Kathy
Kathy
1 year ago

After I dumped my cheating fiancee, a lady at church told me that I should put up with his cheating because I may not get another another chance at a husband. I was 21 at the time.

Daughterofachump
Daughterofachump
1 year ago
Reply to  Kathy

Kathy, this is thinking left over from a time when women were kept from getting decently paying jobs to support themselves. And were told that being single was a bad, bad thing. Convenient for men, yes?

Elsie
Elsie
1 year ago
Reply to  Kathy

Just weird. My ex is retired, and I’m headed that way.

People said, “You’ll have no one to enjoy old age with.”

Really?

KB22
KB22
1 year ago
Reply to  Kathy

The lady was the type to knock you when you were down. Disgusting.

Years ago 3 friends and I went to visit another “friend” that just had a baby via c-section. We were all in the 29-30 age range at the time. One of my friends just ended her marriage (he cheated before they married but not during) as I guess she realized he was never going to grow up. The other friend and I just got out of long relationships where we were both cheated on. Both relationships did not end well, very messy breakups. The “friend” that just gave birth didn’t want to miss an opportunity to make us feel “less than” so she asked the divorcing friend how it felt to be dumped? Her exact words. Mind you the divorcing friend was the one that actually did the dumping. Then she turned on me and my other friend and said doesn’t it bother you two that you’ll never end up married? We were all stunned, however we roared with laughter after that visit. In any case my friend going through the divorce ended up marrying a very successful lawyer and lives in a lovely town north of San Fran. My other friend married an extremely successful product designer, they live in the UK. I married last, after yet another relationship where I was cheated on, and lets just say I never had to work again but I still continue to work. The “friend” that had just given birth? She married a bum and he has stayed a bum all during their marriage. She works hard to support their lifestyle while pretending her husband is successful. No one is fooled. He suffered a stroke about 10 years ago from partying and using coke. They have lived in lovely places but always rent and have never owned their own home. On Facebook you would think they have a picture perfect life. Oh and he was also a cheater, and how we know he was a cheater is he pursued my friend, the one that lives in the UK while his wife our “friend” was pregnant.

susie lee
susie lee
1 year ago
Reply to  Kathy

So ridiculous.

Also, when this is said to a devastated spouse, I wonder just what the speaker is thinking. “you may not get another chance at a husband”. Wow, you mean I won’t get another chance at this picnic. The last thing most chumps are thinking about in real time of horror is “dang I hope I can get me another dose of this”.

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
1 year ago

1. “She’s only 12 years younger than FW? I would have thought he’d have an affair with someone even younger.” (male neighbor who is an ass)
2. “I’m narcissistic, too.” (same male neighbor)
3. “My husband said she (the AP/nurse) is really nice.” ( Husband=another co-worker)
4. A friend said, “If you’re still acting like this (crying, grieving) in a year, I’ll worry.” Say what?
5. “You need to forgive and move on.” (By “move on” she meant stop this NC tactic and accept the new reality.) (x-MIL)
6. “I love you both.” (another nurse)
7. “Maybe you can get together and hug it out.”
8. “This happens all the time.” (…implying that betrayal is no big deal.)

Honestly, most people in my circle sat in my pain and just listened, offering up the occasional, “That’s awful, ” and “He’s a jerk.” God bless those people.

DrChump
DrChump
1 year ago

“Is there anything different you could have done to prevent her from cheating” “you can be over the top”
From a church lady whose son went through the same thing.
“We love you both”
Funny that while criticizing me it was expected that I would do her husbands complicated surgery. I sent him to somebody else.

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
1 year ago
Reply to  DrChump

Turf that patient. Good for you.

I, too, heard “I love you both.” Infuriating! A co-worker of x (a nurse) smuggly tossed that Swiss gem at me. I’m sure she thought she was being an enlightened person by not “taking sides.” I remember sputtering, “But, but, he lied and betrayed me,” to no effect. Then I gave up and decided that I would simply cross her off my friend list. Some wells are dry.

Btw, when I relayed the “I love you both” comment to the accountant for the small practice, a woman I hardly knew, she immediately said, “I HATE THAT.” God bless that woman. Her indignation on my behalf warmed the cockles of my aching chumpy heart.

Freedomfinally22!
Freedomfinally22!
1 year ago

So most of the people around me were kind and understanding and took my side. I do remember two separate times that two mutual friends said something off.
The first was the wife of his best friend they have been friends since kindergarten. They are our daughters godparents and even after all of this I do still care about them. I dont talk to them and they haven’t reached out to me since I filed. However, in the early part of the separation she was talking to me about how they loved us both and were hopeful things would work out. She admitted her husband had cheated on her very early in their marriage and that if he did it again she’d leave as well. That being said she told me you know they are like children and if they don’t feel like they are getting constant attention then they will look elsewhere. I was like so you’re saying its my fault that I didn’t stroke his ego while working full time and helping with our grandchild that I was neglectful, nevermind that he was a narcissistic alcoholic who didn’t exactly show anyone attention other than the hoe. Yes this was dd2 and she knew it.
Second, a mutual friend contacted me he was drunk and started up how I should have given him more sex of any kind he wanted. That I had a nice body and that I should tell him I will do whatever he wants and he would come back. He then proceeded to tell me that I should send him pics of myself. When I declined he said see thats part of the problem. I send pics to him of my wife and he has sent me pics of his girlfriend, you are way better than her. Needless to say I ended that conversation. The next day his wife contacted me and we talked. She was not aware he was sharing her pics. She had his phone and forwarded the pics of the gf to a mutual friend because I dont want to see them. Divorce final two days ago. I’m thinking of sending the pics to her because she may not know he is sharing.

Gettingthereslowly
Gettingthereslowly
1 year ago

I’ve got Switzerland neighbors so connected in my life and that of my kids that I can’t completely cut ties. I’ve cried twice at events where one of them was drunk and insisted on trying to unravel the skein of how my covert narc FW left his family and moved to another state with schmoopie leaving me to raise my 10 and 12 year old alone. (He left 5 years ago, and makes sure he chums it up with the neighborhood men when he’s in town 2 or 3 times a year to visit my kids).

Two times now, my neighbors been been like “cmon, he’s such a nice guy, you must have had something to do with him going into another woman’s arms.” And not let it go until after I was in tears. Cmon, it’s been 5 years, dude. I’m more over my ex than he is.

The second time happened last weekend. I’ll be missing neighborhood potlucks for a while….

Thanks for this post. It helps to see I’m not alone here.

DUDDERSGETSCHUMPED
DUDDERSGETSCHUMPED
1 year ago

That’s an interesting point, I didn’t have anyone who said anything really stupid at the time but now I get a lot of ‘Can you see with some distance where things went wrong?’ and ‘It’s good to see that two are managing to get along’ (What, I have nothing to do with him?) and ‘You’ll eventually forgive him and become friends’. It’s like guys, what are you talking about. Ok with some time passing I can see things that he was doing that I didn’t realise what they meant or what he was actually capable of, I can also think of times when probably I wasn’t the best girlfriend of the year etc but I just cannot blame myself for any of it and no one seems to like that. I’m not saying I am a saint or anything but it just feels so wrong and unfair to try to pin his cheating on my failings in our relationship when I had no idea he would ever do it. Everyone just wants it neatly wrapped up and tied up in a bow don’t they.

Wow
Wow
1 year ago

1. Well…there’s two sides to every story. (And there are fake stories to make oneself look good too).
2. Time will take care of everything. (Yes, it does. But still lots of stuff to deal with before then).
3. Forgiveness will set you free. (Forgiving myself sets me free. Forgiving him just lets him off the hook).
4. Yeah, my husband would never do that. (Hey, that’s what I said!)
5. Maybe if you were nicer to him instead of mad, he might take you back. (I believe I have a right to my anger. He should be the one being nicer to me okay after betraying me & he’s not, so there’s that).
6. Do you think he felt ignored/inferior/$ broke when you went back to school. (Yeah me trying to help us out/ease his burden with a more secure & financial future must of led to him thinking that).
7. He never seemed to be the type to chase other women. (Hey that’s what I thought too, the sneaky bastard!)
8. Everything happens for a reason. (I’m not sure blowing up a marriage & family is a good reason for anything but m’kay).
9. Yeah, I remember the time when a co-worker stabbed me in the back. (That’s shitty, but nothing near comparable).
10. There’s more in the “clueless & shitty things people say vault” but that’s enough for now. 🥴

ChumpedChild
ChumpedChild
1 year ago

The best thing you can “do for the kids”, in my opinion is to tell them the truth. Teach them about abuse and character. How we are what we do and hopefully they won’t become like the idiots we are hearing about here who say stupid shit to others who have been emotionally abused.

Elsie
Elsie
1 year ago

LOL. These are so relatable.

Many of mine were religious nothings about praying more, forgiving “seventy times seventy,” and “we all sin.” Thankfully, I grasped after being separated for a year that my long-distance husband was a deeply disturbed person with all of the markers just getting worse.

He had documented mental health issues which made the divorce really difficult. His attorney kept telling mine that he wanted to quit, but mine secured a promise that he would at least stay in until the divorce was final. That attorney kept to his word.

My divorce was final just before the pandemic hit, and our long-term church shut down entirely. I used that period to do a huge amount of study and actually am stronger in my faith than ever. But I’m warier than ever of “the wolf in the pew” and have ditched all the platitudes.

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
1 year ago

“Men cheat. It’s just what they do. They all do it, some are just better liars than others. If you don’t want to end up alone, you have to learn to accept it.”

I’m willing to bet there are about a zillion chumps with wieners who would absolutely disagree with what that person said to me, many of whom I’ve met here. ⭐

(Also, I told her “Well, I’d far rather be alone than be a walking STD carrier or die young from a totally preventable illness. If that’s the best men can offer me, that’s disgusting and I don’t need them.” She then shut her piehole.)

Samsara
Samsara
1 year ago

On a roll now, recalling some of the other absolute classic foot-in-mouths I endured:

Example 6 — via CheaterXFW from ostensibly COWhore:
“She wants to give you space, to be respectful of you.”
The Skank wants to **give** me space, like there isn’t an entire fucking geogaphical ocean and land mass fifty times the size of California between me and her (and my erstwhile spouse) to begin with? And having stalked me relentlessly on social media before I even knew she existed? Wants to “be respectful” of me now, after she fucked my STBXH for weeks and literally blew him on the phone for at least 10 months?
R-E-S-P-E-C-T. Find out what it means to me (shoutout Aretha).

Example 7 — Well Meaning Now Ex Friend:
“Oh but you’re so strong Samsara. He isn’t.”
Pfft. No words.

Example 8 — EvilExMIL:
“Well, we are very different, you and I”.
Said so randomly, I to this day do not know why we were all of a sudden talking about our relationship (mother-in-law and daughter-in-law) when the only relationship I was discussing was the marriage between me and her son in the wake of the cheating revelations.
[A friend mused, “She means if only you’d been less smart mouthed and less ‘strong’ and pretty much less of everything, like MIL is, you would not be being cheated on.”
[Another said, “Oh that’s just code for ‘Put up and shut up’]

And the ‘Ne Plus Ultra of Fuckwittery Award’ goes to CheaterXFW himself:
“You’ll find someone, you’re still hot.”
Me: bahahahahaha.
Also me: (holding up my rings-clad wedding finger)
“See these? We’re married, you dick. That means it’s not a fucking treasure hunt!”

Good times.

Curlychump
Curlychump
1 year ago

A friend with whom I’m no longer close, after telling her I had to take my ex back to court to enforce reimbursement for certain expenses PER OUR DIVORCE DECREE, “Maybe it just isn’t worth it to fight him on it.”

Ugh. She’s super non-confrontational, but it sucked that she wasn’t supportive of me standing up for myself & my daughter.

Limbo Chumpian
Limbo Chumpian
1 year ago

Most people were very supportive but one comment I remember was “he obviously found her more attractive than you. Otherwise why do it?” I tried explaining all of the reasons why someone might engage in an affair that have nothing to do with attractiveness. I finally showed her a pic of OW and that shut her up.

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
1 year ago
Reply to  Limbo Chumpian

What a mean thing to say! Some people are such idiots.

Attie
Attie
1 year ago

FW was here in France at the end of March for the first birthday of our grandson (he hadn’t met him before that). I was civil because … well it wasn’t about me! Found out later that my oldest and FW bumped into the fat ankled skank (AP) in town one night and invited her up to son’s house for drinks!!!! And yet she had cheated on FW after three years together. Apparently it was all hunky dory but I made some comment and son told me “not to be like that”! Oh I couldn’t give a shit about FW or the skank so I just turned around and said I wasn’t in the habit of wanting to have a drink with a woman who fucked my husband, not that my husband was any better!

On another note, FW was very “handy” with his fists and one time after yet another beating and me being covered with bruises he said “but that’s not who I am”! Kudda fooled me (and later the skank apparently)!

ivyleaguechump
ivyleaguechump
1 year ago

All of the above. And then there were helpful suggestions to “take care of myself”. Well, I managed to get up and shower, dry and style my hair. But nobody really had ideas on how to actually take care of myself (beyond a daily shower).

I had a few friends ghost me after I confided in them. I guess being a chump means you now have cooties.

But most of my friends were incredibly compassionate, and willing to just listen. One of them, who could never stand the FW, said to me, “I know this is hard for you to hear right now, but this is the best thing that has happened to you. You can start over.” I was in my early 20s, and yes, it was hard to hear, but she was right.

I did find out, after my divorce, how many predatory people there are out there. I am not looking, but IF I ever became interested in somebody, I will not be ignoring any more red flags. Thank you CL and CN.

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
1 year ago
Reply to  ivyleaguechump

Yeah, I had one “friend” drop me as if I had cooties. Eh, she wasn’t a close friend, but still….weird reaction. I don’t get it.

Chumpactualized
Chumpactualized
1 year ago

Well, it’s for the best – you didn’t look that happy on your wedding day…

Kathleen
Kathleen
1 year ago

When my husbands cousin found out about his cheating she smiled and said to me “ well, boys will be boys”
and smiled. I said “ how would you feel if your husband did that?”
She looked down and mumbled something I couldn’t make out.
That was the beginning of the affair. Years later he left me and never looked back. 35 years married meant nothing to him 🥲

Informal
Informal
1 year ago
Reply to  Kathleen

Makes me think to say that I don’t want to be married to a boy and is you husband doing boy things?

Live
Live
1 year ago

Hope that is a former friend, or one held at a safe distance!

Lizza
Lizza
1 year ago

My “friend” said that it was going to be really hard to parent all those kids (I have 5) without a husband.

Guess what? It was much easier to parent all those kids without the ex because he was the 6th child in the household and was completely out of control.

Jesus Cheater’s Chump
Jesus Cheater’s Chump
1 year ago

I was told “You knew what he was like. What did you expect?” I knew he was an entitled jerk. I didn’t know about the hooker habit.