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UBT: “Your Cheating Spouse Is the Victim, NOT You!”

Oh hey, were we talking about DARVO this week? (Deny, attack, reverse victim offender.) Do I ever have a heaping pile o’ mindfuckery for you today.

Introducing Reconciliation Industrial Complex therapist quack, Dr. Robert Huizenga. A chump on his mailing list sent me his super special offer to Save My Marriage from my imaginary trauma.

Chumps! The problem is you! You’ve been getting angry and upset! For $27 and a series of up-sells, learn how to “charge neutral” and eat that humiliation. Got $1418.00? He’ll counsel Schmoopie too!

Someone wrote and asked if I coach the “other person?” Yes, I do. I coach all involved parties. My style is not to impose “rightness or wrongness”, but move toward understanding, self-care and self-respect, resolution of what is not working, and finally, create a wonderful life and healthy intimate relationships that are ultimately “affair proof.”

Therapists! Get in on the action! Dr. Huizenga does affiliate marketing! “Great Conversion Rate and Low Refund!” Yes, for a 50% cut, he will sell this mindfuckery to you for use on your gullible clients. And isn’t that why you got into a helping profession? To lock in a profitable conversion rate?

The Universal Bullshit Translator just loves a good multilevel marketing scheme before breakfast. So without further ado.

Guess Who’s the Victim… (You may not believe this)
By Dr. Robert Huizenga

Try me. You should see the bullshit I eat.

You feel victimized.

Chlamydia is just a feeling. So are those credit card charges you just discovered. As are the years you spent investing time, money, and reproductive energies on a grifter. Just feelings! No tangible harm done! Feelings pass like fluffy clouds that dissolve into beautiful sunsets and trust issues.

Once you get this victim thing turned around your world changes.

Your trauma victim thing is very important to me. Hang on to the same loser who is defrauding you, avoid divorce, sleep in the same stained bed sheets where the Schmoopies fucked — and your whole world changes!

Sure, you’re living at the same address with the same fuckwit, but what’s changed is your attitude.

Here’s what you need to unravel…

The skein of fuckupedness! Why spend time focusing on your own self-care and freezing your credit and hiring lawyers when you could be sending me $1418! I have THEORIES. Magical, magical theories. You have a rash on your groin, sobbing children, and a paternity testing kit where trust used to be. I have an ebook.

Your Cheating Spouse is the Victim, NOT You!

Waffle sniffer blunderbuss! Acorn epiphanies are real, Margaret. Wallpaper.

(I’m sorry, the UBT seems to have malfunctioned. Too much bullshit has clogged its transponders. Giving it a hard whack now…)

gggrrrrrrock!

This seems strange.

Sign up for my tiered mindfuckery kit and I’ll explain it.

You feel like the victim don’t you?

I bet you feel like a right idiot. Upset with the person who cheated on you, instead of asking yourself what you did to make this person craft a dating profile.

You’re losing it all, in misery and your cheating spouse is out there having a great time…floating in the emotional space of being “in love.”

Can’t you see how they suffer?

I don’t want to minimize your pain and terror. It IS real.

I don’t want to minimize that “victim thing.”

And right now you experience yourself as the victim.

Silly goose. Send me $1418.00 and you’ll doubt your experiences.

Infidelity brings up a TON of primordial feelings that at first put you on overwhelm.

Suicidal ideation. Trauma. Shock.  So primordial. Evolve like me beyond “rightness and wrongness.” Oh, did I mention I have a degree from a Bible college?

Abby spent sleepless haunting nights and resorted to Lexapro so after D-Day she could function.

Tracey could barely talk in our first session, her throat constricted by the fear and pain.

I see no victims here. Only customers.

The Truth…

But the truth remains, the cheating spouse holds the greatest danger of a downward spiral.

Infidelity is an act of temporary insanity.

Did the affair go on for a decade? Temporary insanity! The average lifespan is at least 70 years.

They know not what they do! Double lives require no executive functioning whatsoever. Crafting aliases, stealing marital funds, hooker habits… a little blip on the ol’ noggin.

The cheating spouse is the victim, is pouring their life down a dirty drain and missing out on an opportunity.

You may call Schmoopie “Dirty Drain.” I said it first.

Fact is, cheaters suffer more than you. And only YOU can save them!

Integrate these concepts into your thinking as did Abby and Tracey.

Your personal power will be magnified and you will be free to effectively address the infidelity.

Click here to learn more

I find your vulnerability very profitable.

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • Wallpaper!

    UBT is the best, every time.

    Blunderbuss!

    I wonder how “Dr.” Idiot’s lawsuit for boning a married cheating patient is going.

    Technique works for 85% of people — works to drive them insane, yes, Margaret.

    Yay, UBT. 💚

    • I don’t think he’s the same Dr. Robert Huizenga. Affair “Dr.” doesn’t have a medical degree.

      The one who was part of “The Biggest Loser” is younger and actually graduated from medical school.

      • I’ll just leave this here. I’m totally sure nobody will want to twitter troll him, though. 😄

        • Amiisfree,
          If he really did that, gosh don’t you just feel so bad for him? He’s the victim, after all. Poor little buddy. Pouring all his awesomeness down that dirty drain. He needs all our love and prayers. 😢😢😢

          (No really though 🤢)

        • You can’t tweeter troll this freakazoid, I went onto his twitter account, not to troll him, but to leave a link to CL. Can’t be done, posts don’t register.

          Although that might be because I don’t know to do it. Computer Luddite here. 💻🤔😂

    • What the ever living fucking hell?! Cheating is “temporary”. Uh ok. So Dr Bible Thumper Guy thinks 30 years is just temporary! What a crock of shit! Unfortunately, when a Chump is hurting & actually is temporarily insane, this dribble is often grabbed because of being desperate for the pain to end.

  • So the cheater is the victim?

    See he didn’t seem to get hives , hair fall out , dramatic weight loss , panic attacks , no sleep , constant flash backs and end up in therapy where I still am today 15 months later .

    What seemed to happen to the “ victim “ was a new house , new car , new wife and new baby .

    I will keep my £1000 thank you id rather piss it down a drain

      • Thanks Mandie

        I’m getting there although very slowly . I wish there was a fast track way to Meh

        • Karen, our paths are nearly identical, except I can’t go to therapy because my ex is suing me for custody (and child support!!!) and has issued me demands to turn over all my therapy notes and diagnoses.

          I only went 3 times to vent about what an asshole he was, when we first were “broken up”.

          Although I have no mental illnesses, and wouldn’t be on meds, it would be nice to have someone to talk to.

          But anything I say can and will be used against me, so I’ll eat yet another shit sandwich until we have our date in court.

          • Maybe the therapists notes may help your case. If you went to therapy because of your husband and there he is in court demanding the notes/diagnosis he looks like a complete asshole. I think the court will be sympathetic to your case and he’ll lose the custody suit. Good luck.

          • Phoenix Flame,

            Wait. What? Therapists can be required to turn over notes and diagnoses?? I’m dumbfounded. That just doesn’t seem right. Yeesh.

            Good luck!

            • There are several Therapists and Psychologists on this site. Can one of you clarify this? I had always heard your medical (including mental health) couldn’t be released to anyone without your consent. I thought that’s what those Privacy Policy forms we have to end up signing a dozen times say.

              It’s a truly horrifying thought that your private therapy sessions could be used against you in court. Wtf?!? I’m really hoping someone with personal knowledge about this will clarify for us. If it’s true that therapy notes can be used against you in court, I will stop recommending therapy to others (& will not give it another chance with a different therapist myself).

              • Psychologist here. It depends on the state. In Virginia, if there are custody issues, all therapy notes (if known about by the other party) have their confidentiality waived. The good news is VA therapists know the law and write their notes with this in mind. In other states (not familiar with all 50 states, sorry), but generally, nope, without a judge’s order (not an attorney’s subpoena – big difference!) the confidentiality of therapy notes is generally upheld. Get ahead of this and ask to review case notes WITH your therapist to see if anything causes you concern. A good therapist will do this, explain jargon/therapy shorthand/ diagnoses so you know how to respond and they can add explanatory addenda if needed. Most states and jurisdictions uphold strict confidentiality between therapist and client. I teach doctoral level ethics, so I have a big of knowledge here.

              • Not a therapist, in California I was required to admit I’d been going to therapy and to list all the medications I had been prescribed for anxiety. I had adverse reactions to the first meds I had been prescribed.
                His attorney frequently mentioned the “lifestyle I chose” throughout the trial.
                The only lifestyle I chose was being a devoted wife and mother, who pick me danced and spackeld to maintain a happy home married to a manipulator.
                I was told that he could also request all of my medical records for the court.
                Surprisingly. he did not.
                As if the slanderous lies and insinuations weren’t enough humiliation.

              • I had adverse reactions or side affects to the first meds I was prescribed and my prescription was changed several times .
                His attorney listed the meds I had taken making it sound as if I was taking them all at the same time.

              • Yup. I had to sign a Release Of Information for any marriage therapist we saw more than 3 times, and I even had to sign permission for my kids’ therapists even though they have a Safe Harbor agreement. And the notes become part of the custody evaluation and either spouse can request them. I hate it. But the custody evaluation is court ordered.

          • I’d be going to therapy and getting notes on how I am in shock and am having trouble coming to terms with the deception that was carried out against me detailing each week a new discovery about cheaters financial and physical infidelity, my upset at the std test I was forced to take, the amount of money spent on cheating and my worries about how to feed my children the realisation of the dishonesty and gaslighting that occurred and of instances of when my spouse lied about where they were and whom they were with and the impact this has had on my confidence and strategies discussed to cope with the dissonance as a result of the resultant complex ptsd but that I am doing well under therapeutic care. Fuck em if those notes need to be read in court they’re gonna explain very clearly what was done to me to put me in counselling.

            • Honestly, don’t trust any therapists. Truly. I’m a lawyer, I have a master’s in clinical psych and I’m a Chump ( in a 26 year marriage to a narcissistic doctor who I helped build his practice, and just found out in May 2020 he had a hooker habit the entire time) ……devastated. But trust no mental health professionals – sorry. I’ve never been to one but having studied it and sat along others who are in practice- beware….nothing is HIPPA protected – be careful what you disclose other than the Cheaters emotional, financial abuse and deception. Remain strong – don’t let this Cheater drive you crazy – do not show your rage in public – they can hurt you, they cannot break you. They may push you against the wall, they can’t push you through it. Step up and over this dog shit not in it. I’m shattered inside, my foundation is rocked, my marriage was 1/2 a fraud. But my 1/2 was real – let him live with his ugly character – let him guess what you are thinking – do your best Academy Award performance , showing disgust takes no words or tears – just throw him a look of disgust and let him only talk to your lawyer. Prince Charles drove young Lady Di crazy….now the crowds cheer Camilla…..people are fickle and forget and jump on the cheap band wagons. Collect your valuables ( sanity, children, money) and get out and don’t look back. ( For those Chumps over 60 years old, get as financially independent as you can, bust up any pension plan now, write up a post up if not divorced, document the infidelity with or off, and as long as he ate his cake and had it too get your’s now with ice cream – he stole your time)

  • Fascinating. May I offer my mantra? It’s free.

    Eada baga dix.

    My cheater seemed pretty happy with New Relationship Energy and lots of sex. What’s not to like about sucking off a married man in a car on his lunch break? Wallpaper!

    • Eada baga dix— guffaw.

      That and “Dirty Drain” (or, er, “Sewage Outfall Pipe” or SOP for the OMs?) are keepers.

  • When I read The Sociopath Next Door I remember that the sociopath uses one tool to gaslight their spouses (sorry, book actually said victims)…they get others to feel sorry for them!

    Lightbulb 💡 moment! More like a lightening bolt!

    Getting me to feel sorry for him was the sole manipulation method used on me for 30 years. He used my empathy and love against me simply because he could. He was and will always play the victim. He just has new audience members now.

    With years of distance, I can see what a pathetic way of life that is.

    • Yes Rebecca! That was the golden ticket to get past my sanity and boundaries. He knew how to make me feel sorry for him! I can’t believe I fell for his sorry excuses for why he couldn’t make better decisions (forging signatures at work which led to his firing, a gambling addiction, lying about work trips when they were golf trips… this was all before his emotional affair with his longtime female “just a friend” while we were in couples counseling.) It’s taken nearly a year, but I finally realized you can’t be reasonable with an unreasonable person and am pulling no punches while we go back to court over ongoing child custody issues.

      • Advice from someone who has been where you are (being a sucker for years because of too much sympathy & falling for his sad sausage pity party crap)- STAY ANGRY during the divorce! Write down all the crappy things he did & reas through them frequently. These slimy snakes are masters at getting you to fall into their trap again & again. Though you probably wouldnt fall forgetting back with him, you could give into some od his demands concerning the kids. Grey Rock it & STAY ANGRY!

  • I did a spit-take of my lukewarm coffee at “Chlamydia is just a feeling.” 😂

    Chlamydia is *exactly* the feeling I got from my cheating ex, while pregnant. Fun fact: chlamydia can cause issues for babies during birth, including blindness.

    There’s a special place in hell for people who refuse to “impose ‘rightness or wrongness,’” of that I’m sure. But mostly I’m just glad it’s not my circus, not my monkeys to worry about. I was very, VERY lucky my midwives caught the chlamydia and I was able to be treated for it well before giving birth to a healthy baby.

    It’s also comforting to think that this, er, “doctor” is likely using this “business” to desperately scratch some kind of rent payment out of the ether without having to (gasp) hold a real job, and that if he’s anything like most lazy, entitled cheaters, he’ll eventually have to accept that he’s failed and can’t quite skate by financially on sparkles alone (woe is him!), and either get a normal job like the rest of us or siphon off someone else. How distinguished.

    • Oh my… I’m so glad that you were able to deal with it!
      I miscarried my first child- no idea why. Now- I think, it could be something related to my h’s ways of fucking around, no protection.
      I have 2 healthy children, no STD’s – not due to love and care of my husband ( since he jeopardized our health since day one with a big # of hookers etc) but due to plain luck.
      They deserve a place in hell

  • Mine too! When he wanted…something (who knows with these freaks)…he always led with pity.

    “I’m in such a bad state…I’m struggling…I’m trying to heal”

    I sent him a screenshot of him bragging about great sex with another woman he posted online.
    Said…”looks like you’re healing just fine to me”.

    Shitbag.

  • Snake oil seems high tech compared with this dangerous crap. At least snakes are real things. Cheaters who are victims? Not real things.

    Like selling cancer patients therapy to help them understand the sadness their tumors are going through.

  • Oh, that victim card. Gotta love it. My ex was a pro at playing the victim. He had to cheat. Because I was not giving him enough attention. I did not like to have fun. I got that credit card. If only I would made him feel loved. I sure did not feel love or wanted. I was verbally and finacially abused by him. But, I did not cheat. A victim he was not. He knew exactly what he was doing. And sure had fun at my exspense.

    • This comment is a week after the OP but I have to add for future readers:

      My husband was GAY because he “never got what he wanted in the marriage.”
      And because “I felt ALIENATED FROM YOU!’”

    • Oh for sure, the internet is FULL of people who are eager to profit from the vulnerability of the brokenhearted. It’s not just this crackpot.

      When I was going through my depression and heartbreak right after my last cheater, I was desperately searching for something, anything, to help me untangle the skein and figure out what went wrong and what to do about it, I found tons of garbage like this. Self-proclaimed relationship “counselors” promising to “fix” your marriage or relationship, guarantee your ex to come back to you, even if they cheated on you, and make them stay for good. Often their credentials are mysteriously absent from their websites (but but, trust them, they’ve been doing this for a long time…helped hundreds of couples!) or their youtubes (a LOT of them have youtube channels with little short videos where they talk about the common problems their clients have, but click here and buy their $90 personal sessions so they can work on YOUR problem specifically!)

      They all also have similar disclaimers so they don’t get sued for bullshit advertising, and it’s usually along the lines of “Listen to me and do exactly as I tell you because if you stray from my advice in any way at all, you’ll RUIN it!” That way, if the situation doesn’t go right (which is likely) then the “counselor” can have deniability and say “It’s not my bullshit program that didn’t work, it’s because you didn’t listen and fucked it up. No refunds.”

      Desperate, vulnerable people in pain looking for someone to guide them are easy targets for these money grubbers. It’s downright predatory.

      • Ugh, the ninth ring of marriage therapist hell. I dumped three “relationship coaches/counselors” in a row. They were all women, all had fancy degrees and all had quickly figured out who was paying the bill and sucked up like mad to cheater. It was so over the top even cheater cringed.

        One stocky, forty-something therapist who was part of a pricey group practice practically stalked me with follow up emails and texts for two months after the initial interview. Clearly she didn’t understand the first thing about boundaries and “No Contact.”

        I remember that last therapist asking *me* if I had an attachment disorder (because I traveled often seeking specialized medical treatment for my chronically ill middle child, leaving poor cheater on his lonesome, daaw). This was 20 minutes into the first interview. Insta-dx! It was like going to Jiffy Lube.

        I was a little amused that she assumed I was the emotionally unavailable one in the relationship. Great, I didn’t know I had such a convincing game face. I might have missed my calling as a secret agent or poker champ because, in reality, I wasn’t sleeping, eating or even breathing properly at the time because of anxiety. After she put the “attachment disorder” feeler out, I wanted to see how she’d keep striking at the wrong jugular as she tried to manipulate me and make me more malleable to appease and please cheater-with-checkbook and make him feel like she had his back (or his dick).

        I also remember she wore a silk-satin mini cocktail dress over a turtleneck and tights with knee high boots. I have no problem with people expressing sexuality with clothes but for the fact she supposedly specialized in treating sex addiction. Maybe she dressed for kibble? But the woman was such an Ivy League cyborg I suspected the mini dress (in a little girl style with poof sleeves and a ruffle) was just to keep the porn and sex addicts coming back and paying their bills– a “pragmatic sartorial choice based on economic factors.”

        I doubt she accurately reviewed what went wrong with that session and why the fish wouldn’t bite so maybe she’ll amp it up in future intakes and go commando, wear bobby socks, a big bow on her head, heart-shaped Lolita sunglasses while licking a dick-shaped lollipop.

        • I can’t figure out for the life of me why anyone would place a silk or satin cocktail dress over a turtleneck? With tights and knee high boots?!

          • KB22– I was in fashion for a number of years. I won’t go into the trauma of that experience here (aagghhhhh). In short, The Devil Wear’s Prada is a sanitized fairy tale.

            Anyway, I’ve typically avoided judging people on their attire just because it gives me acid flashbacks of the scary Epstein-y ultra-narcs I once worked with. But after the shock of witnessing “sudden onset middle-aged cheater manscaping” and his fashion tragedy mall rat AP, I’ve gotten my snark on a little more these days.

            See what they’ve driven me to?! I used to only focus on things that really matter!! Wail. But it passes the time.

            Yes, the therapist looked like an ambulatory, age-regressed green satin bratwurst in a black merino wool bun. The slouchy boots were ill advised back in 1981 and 1999 and weren’t any better in 2019. I don’t care if the Duchess of Sussex once wore them. Fugly. The exuberant color of the dress only exaggerated the therapist’s Droopy the Hound mug. But when she uncrossed her legs, you could see the slightly tatty cotton crotch panel on her opaque tights and that was the point, oui?

            • I have lurked on this site for six months now but the sheer wondrous beauty of that last paragraph is too much to go uncommented. I love it so very, very much that I want to marry it and bear its little paragraph children. Bravo!

  • This sort of mindfuckery practically sends me into orbit. I can’t count the number of times Switzerland friends and counselors told me that I needed to overcome my feelings of mistrust and recommit to the relationship. I kept saying, “My FEELINGS? My FEELINGS are the least of my problems here. I still have DEBT I’m paying off on his secret “adventures.” I contracted an STD! He used my name in a fraud scheme and two lawyers have told me I’m at risk of going to prison over it when I didn’t even know he was doing it! Wouldn’t YOU be twitchy?”

    To this day, I have no idea why that was unpersuasive. People really commit to the whole “feelings” narrative, and no matter how much I pointed out the ACTUAL DAMAGE, they went on mournfully yammering about hurt feelings. I finally concluded that they just didn’t care whether he hurt me or not.

    Same with this “counselor.” He literally does NOT CARE about the victims of adultery. That’s what this boils down to.

    • Yes yes yes to actual damage
      And feelings count too…. feelings cause a LOT of pain….which can cause more physical damage …..but emotional pain on its own is real

  • The goal here is to move toward understanding, self-care and self-respect, resolution of what is not working, and finally, create a wonderful life and healthy intimate relationships that are ultimately “affair proof.”

    I wonder why “affair proof” is in quotes. Oh yeah, you can’t 100% guarantee that, and besides, the poor Chumps trying valiantly to save their marriages already have a marriage that has been damaged by an affair (or two, or hookers or whatever).

    Anyway, I think that Chump Lady has been leading the charge in moving toward understanding, self-care, self-respect, resolution of what’s not working, and encouraging healthy relationships. It’s just that she needs fewer words: Lose a cheater, gain a life.

    The most important thing to understand about cheating is that cheaters cheat because they can. Once you cut the gordian knot of the skein of fuckedupness, you arrive at this essential truth. You gain self-respect. You realize that any attempts to “fix” things are merely another round of pick-me dancing, and you–the Chump who actually stays true–are worth more than the cheater who gets off on the kibble and cake that comes with fucking strange.

    If you have self-respect, you realize that it’s unworkable to maintain a marriage when the other person refuses to uphold their end of things. You lawyer up. You file for divorce. This frees you from a dysfunctional relationship and allows you to enter into a fuckwit-free relationship. You get therapy so that your next relationship is happier and stronger.

    See? CL and Chump Nation already have this covered!

    • The goal here is to move toward understanding, self-care and self-respect, resolution of what is not working, and finally, create a wonderful life and healthy intimate relationships that are ultimately “affair proof.” Guess what? I achieved all that and more by leaving a cheater! 🤣

  • What a crock. I went to his website and looked at the “About Me” where he says he was “powerfully confronted with an affair.”

    Translation: “I was screwing around and was caught by my powerfully pissed-off wife and boy did it suck until I gaslighted her into thinking *I* was the victim, not her. It worked! Now I gaslight others and make money!”

    What a POS.

  • I have my own blog – nothing to do with cheating – just writing down stories for my kids and stuff like that. Anyway, I think this guy is way behind the times because I was contacted on my blog by a “very nice person” who, for a small sum of money – much less than $1,418 – could get a witchdoctor to put a spell on my cheating husband and make him come back to me! I tracked that fucker down and threatened to shoot him – hell, if you make my cheating ex-husband come back to me I’ll pull the damn trigger, ya bastard!

      • Oh lordy, that’s one of my favourite songs too. I remember seeing Lisa Riley dancing to this on Strictly Come Dancing (the UK version of Dancing With The Stars) and it still remains one of my favourite ever dances!

  • “Waffle sniffer
    blunder buss!
    Acorn epiphanies are real, Margaret.
    Wallpaper.”

    😂😂😂

    I just love the UBT.

    These cretinous creeps are just so sleazily revolting.

    Thank God for CL and LACGAL.

    I sometimes wonder how people like this can sleep at night, then realise afresh creatures like this have no character, integrity, or moral compass.

    “I find your vulnerability very profitable”. So true.

  • My ex was actually really good about being open to therapy together, that is until he met his third OW and started telling me he was never going to therapy again. I didn’t know it at the time that there was a 3rd!?! When I found out about her, it all made sense.

    He had been using the years of therapy to “act” like we were making progress on his infidelity. I have to admit, it’s kinda brilliant. Go to therapy and he can keep me while still sleeping around and stepping out of the marriage. All the while, I’ll be thankful I have a husband who’s open to working through the difficulties of marriage and have no clue he’s still cheating.

    I can still visualize the both of us in the many therapy sessions we had together. It breaks my heart that not one counselor held him accountable (there were several counselors) and tried to help me see I deserved better. I see these counselors the same way I see my ex, heartless and frauds. Forget about all the money we spent and handed over, they took part in helping him to fool me and waste years of my life.

    Also, I remember one of the last conversations I had with my ex before I left him. He said, “I don’t know how to be happy”. I responded with, “I’m not your wife anymore, I no longer share your struggles.”

    • I shared your experience with a serial cheater who went to therapy in order to further victimize me. I have given all of this much thought, and would like to invite you to think about my conclusion that his “happiness” should not be the goal anyway. It is great if people are happy. I spent many years trying to make him happy. He never was because there is an empty hole inside of him that can never be filled, and it is not someone else’s job to do this. Happiness is not something you get from someone else. Happiness is a choice similar to contentment. You can choose to find happiness in the moments of your life and the people you spend it with. Or you can choose to find fault with the moments of your life and with the people who love you. You can choose to always be looking for someone better and betray the people who love you, or you can choose to love and appreciate those who love you. You can cheat and complain that you weren’t “happy”, or you can find the happiness that results from a longterm loving relationship. We all know which choices the cheater makes.

      • Yes, my exhusband was always looking for happiness in the wrong places. Money, moving up in his career, a new car, a new home, golf memberships, drinking with his buddies. He was also looking at me as if I was the cause for his unhappiness.

        I think it’s settled in that he has no idea how to be happy as he said it himself before I left him. It’s tragic really, we could have had a good life together and I know he realizes that. His regret isn’t my problem. I know I was true in our marriage and I can sleep at night knowing that.

  • I was so lucky, my STBX father-in-law gave me this advice for FREE!!!

    Guess I should send him a thank you note… Oh wait, no, fuckwit is calculating in the 10K gift he gave us when we bought our house as a debt that we need to repay to him. Soooooo I guess I paid 5K for the advise. :-(.

    • I’d check with your lawyer on that gift. No paperwork, no signatures, no loan. If you stbx wants to pay your father in law out of his money, he’s free to do so.

  • His examples are “Abby” and “Tracey”? Really? Well, I’m sure it’s just a coincidence.

  • I spent thousands of dollars with sex addict therapists. Complete waste. The DARVO I experienced in the “couples” session nearly killed me. One individual therapist I saw got permission to get access to XH’s testing at the sex addict clinic. She called me and said: “he’s a diagnosed BPD-narcissist and likely a sociopath, you need to leave him because he will only continue to harm you.” BOOM. This was before I found chump lady. I was gobsmacked and angry with her! But that information was 100% accurate.

    Thank God I went no contact, divorced, and have a wonderful peaceful abuse-free life now!

    • Seems like we went through the same hell. Luckily for me, my ex refused therapy, he would tell me I needed one though because I was crazy. Obviously.

  • He should add “cheater” and “criminal” to the list of his qualifications and make them prominent, because I’m very sure he earned those, too! Don’t be shy, Doctor!!!

  • Tracy, after reading this UBT material, I want to thank you even more for this blog and your hard work. You created a space of sanity.

    I left on my D day but I had spent years living with a malignant narc who was abusing and manipulating me relentlessly. My life was a perfect example of the cycle of abuse. I would spent my entire free time reading on the internet how to repair your relationship or how to deal with a moody spouse, etc. All I got was that as long as I’m not being physically beaten I should patiently fight for my husband because ‘he’s suffering too’.

    I wish I discovered you blog earlier because your blog not just about cheating, it’s about abuse in general. You can replace the word ‘cheating’ with name calling, raging, stone walling, projecting, lying… And there is still only one right answer: leave the abuser, gain a life.

  • “Someone wrote and asked if I coach the “other person?” Yes, I do. I coach all involved parties. My style is not to impose “rightness or wrongness”, but move toward understanding, self-care and self-respect, resolution of what is not working, and finally, create a wonderful life and healthy intimate relationships that are ultimately “affair proof.”

    I coach all parties! I teach the cheater to learn to how to swiftly and powerfully play victim and the chump to shut the hell up already…there can’t be any problems if there’s no talking about them!

    “Guess Who’s the Victim… (You may not believe this)”

    He cheated on her, you’ll NEVER GUESS WHAT HAPPENED NEXT!! (clickbaitclickbaittttt)

    “You feel victimized. Once you get this victim thing turned around your world changes…”

    You feel pain, shock, betrayal…well just slap on the ol’ Good Vibes Only t-shirt and yoga pants and Choose To Be Happy Eating Shit!

    “Here’s what you need to unravel…”

    -hands you a knotted clump of rubber bands-

    “Your Cheating Spouse is the Victim, NOT You! This seems strange.”

    It’s about them, not you. I know you THINK you are because of all the pain, heartbreak, and emotional suffering you’re feeling when you found out the person who was supposed to love and cherish your for life like they literally said they would at an actual wedding altar in front of your whole fucking family just basically showed you they didn’t give two shits about their word or your feelings BUT TRUST ME…

    “You feel like the victim don’t you? You’re losing it all, in misery and your cheating spouse is out there having a great time…floating in the emotional space of being “in love.””

    Wow you’re just a miserable POS aren’t you??? Don’t drag them down while they float! Don’t be the plastic weight on their balloon string!

    “I don’t want to minimize your pain and terror. It IS real.”

    This entire website is dedicated to minimizing your pain. Like every single line of code is about that. Minimizing your pain down to the size of a micron is the basis of my entire career.

    “And right now you experience yourself as the victim.”

    Pay me and I’ll gaslight that right outta ya!

    “Infidelity brings up a TON of primordial feelings that at first put you on overwhelm.”

    For an extra $500 I’ll throw in a wine cask of primordial pond scum for your garden.

    “Abby spent sleepless haunting nights and resorted to Lexapro so after D-Day she could function.
    Tracey could barely talk in our first session, her throat constricted by the fear and pain.”

    Both of these women are fictional.

    “But the truth remains, the cheating spouse holds the greatest danger of a downward spiral.
    Infidelity is an act of temporary insanity.”

    It still counts as “temporary insanity” if you adopt the view of Everything is Temporary. I think that’s a Buddhist thing right?

    “The cheating spouse is the victim, is pouring their life down a dirty drain and missing out on an opportunity.”

    If they stick with only ONE AP, or ONE spouse, they’re missing out on all the opportunities they could have with every person they chose not to sleep with! They COULD be sleeping with that person, or that one…or that one…OR…

    “Integrate these concepts into your thinking as did Abby and Tracey.

    Your personal power will be magnified and you will be free to effectively address the infidelity.

    Click here to learn more”

    I’m basically going to tell you to have an open marriage to fix all your problems. That’ll be $1400.

  • Wtf? Crap like this is what keeps abusers in power and battered spouses in their place.
    What kind of a half cocked wing nut asks $1,418?for a nickel and dime dog and pony show?
    A victim by any other name is a sucker….🙄

  • More narcissistic encouragement of the ‘you, the Chump, CAN control other people. You just have to be LESS demanding, you have to bend over FURTHER backwards, you have to give up MORE of your values and standards, you have to suck up MORE abuse. It will work, really!’

    Disgusting. It’s like telling an addict that the solution is more of their drug. Oh, that’s exactly what it is! MORE HOPIUM, that will fix your situation!

  • The therapist profession seems to attract more than its share of disordered characters and snake oil salespeople. With little-to-no formal training and an ability to sell people on your own personal spin, there’s no limit to what you can achieve. Paging, Esther Perel, please pick up the house phone.

    Early in my bewildered state of drowning in shock, trauma and chumpiness I hastily sought help for my then-wife from one of these Esther Perel wannabes, without the awareness and understanding that come with time and study. Long story short, it was a blessing in disguise because it resulted in speeding up the inevitable divorce. I later discovered the thrice-divorced “psychotherapist” or “psycho therapist” skipped town and took her scam to the West Coast. She has now operated in four different states over a period of ten years. “Quack” is too lofty a descriptor for this person.

  • I hope I live to see the day when Chump lady’s voice of reason is common knowledge – when people will understand that they are supporting an abuser when they support a cheater – when people will stop making excuses for the other woman or other man etc

    I wasted weeks reading about how he was helpless because his brain chemistry had changed, and how I could save him and our life together – even though he had left me!

    Talk about disempowering a victim – and making them into a grovelling
    wounded caged animal trying to fix their captor who doesn’t want any help.
    They just want to be in wuv with their slutmate even if it destroys people and families

    • This is the thing that I struggled with to start with

      When you look up anything regarding “ affairs “ it’s all RIC and what you can do to win them back etc , there is absolutely nothing about spousal abandonment ( when they leave and never look back ever again ) . It reads like everyone got a chance at MC or therapy or the cheater comes back none of that was relevant to me .
      I never even got to do the pick me dance , ask for MC or anything .

      I’m so glad I found CL and CN within a few weeks as CL has a few threads of them that just leave , that totally saved me knowing this was in fact not all that unusual . Runaway husbands book and LACGAL really saved me

      • Yes!!!!
        Same here, I was googling my life away and spent all that mind space on RIC- to the point that I wasn’t comprehending that he didn’t even want to attempt to work anything out – he had already chosen to suddenly abandon. But chumpy me gave it the good college try regardless!
        Everyone seemed to understand before I did that he had actually left me. The shock lasted quite some time.
        It was only several weeks in ( because I wasted so much time reading all the other stuff ) that I was able to find anything on wife abandonment and CL.

        • Same here Zip! Just wanted to say your post resonated with me! ‘It seemed as though everyone understood the spousal abandonment, before me’ Amazingly true! I gave it the good ‘ol chumps college try, because I thought we were worth it. (He threw in the towel 24 months ((estimated… who really knows??)) ago). And NEVER bothered to tell me about it. Acted like nothing ever happened or is happening. Which is a cheater language for keep pick me dancing for me and serve me more cake! It has been 9 months since D-day, Ive been in therapy for 7 months, thank God, Cheater refuses therapy, which is now fine with me because I finally understand now that he/they cheaters can never ever be trusted. The spousal abandonment IS ABUSE! Cheating is absolutely narcisstic ABUSE. And our cheaters, as many cheaters tend to do, is never give us closure. Which I just recently learned, is just as abusive as the lying, cheating, deceit, secrecy, double life, egomaniac shit sandwiches we were force fed. My cheater will never ever come clean. Even after me explaining to him that it helps me heal to move on. Nope, that elephant in the room, he wanted to shove under the rug. It just made it quintupley harder to move on from being blind sighted. It is just so selfish, I would never treat another human being this way. Never. His own brother was betrayed and blind sighted by a cheater after 16 years of marriage and totally destroyed by it, also never getting closure, yet 4 years later my ex does the exact same thing (spousal abandonment) to me! ((Huggs to you Zip )). And thank you GOD for CL and CN!

      • LAGGAL saved me, too!! I lucked out because I came across CL’s book on DDay after a google search. I have no idea what search terms I used, but thank god it popped up. I read a blurb, and it resonated with me immediately. It was the first purchase I made after finding out about fuckwit’s cheating.

        I got both audible and kindle versions and read/listened to them over and over and over again. My spine stiffened each time.

        When I need a booster shot, I revisit my favorite parts.

        Thank you, CL!

  • So many of these out there. Anyone heard of Marriage Max by Mort Fertel? I paid him for the whole program and learned that I should NOT question my spouse or “spy” on him in any way. I should only ever compliment him and build him up etc etc etc. Cheating husband took the course with me. He fooled around the entire time because heck free pass! I finally got wise after a long long time and realized what BS it was. I wasted so much time while I followed his advice and turned a blind eye.

  • Yup. My ex ‘had’ to cheat because apparently I wanted him dead. I wasn’t aware of wanting that. But hey, it worked for him.

  • Love the UBT. But OK let’s say I’ve gone insane for a minute or am in that first trauma bit after D Day when you literally don’t know where to turn. Would you read that and sign up? I mean just look at it/read it. I can’t think in a mind altered state I’d hand out money to that jerk.

  • The sites I found the most compelling, were the ones where former cheaters who found their way were running the business …. they realized their error, their spouse stood by them, their families are now intact, they were on a relationship drug …. their relationships are now stronger than ever , they have healed and they now dedicate their lives to helping struggling couples – very enticing when I was in that trauma phase.
    I watched so many of their YouTube videos 😑
    I would have gone to a weekend workshop if my cheater had been willing. I guess I’m lucky he wasn’t willing. The thought now of being surrounded by a whole bunch of cheaters makes me cringe.

    • I too am so glad I had someone that had zip intention of wreconciliation. What a pointless exercise that would have been I realise. Of course I would have gone through it for my child and because, it’s the right thing to do, communicate, before making life changing decisions that affect your partner/children. What a fools errand it would have been so while the ‘up and gone’ ones give you a massive and sudden shock I can only imagine what couples counselling with a cheater would be like. I’d probably rather do time.

    • WOW, Zip, you just blew my mind. I’m grossed out thinking about a workshop where half of the people there are cheaters! And while the chumps sit there taking notes, the cheaters would be scoping each other out for hook-ups! NASTY!!! So glad you dodged that bullet!

    • Speaking as someone who went to a wreckonciliation workshop, I can say you definitely dodged a bullet in not going!
      The one thing the workshop did was — when the divorce came– I was able to absolve myself of any guilt that I hadn’t tried hard enough. I had done everything I could.
      That sounds totally screwed up now as I say it– I mean, I wasn’t the one who cheated– but at the time it offered peace of mind.

  • If I recall properly I found CL on this clown’s FB page. One of his visitors left a link that eventually led me here.

    I read his spiel and being a financial conservative, very quickly made the profit profile connection without pulling out a credit card. Tracy’s audiobook was cheaper. That was also after finding the 180 Advice.

    My cellphone shows pop up adverts for RIC ‘services ‘ on this blog page. Ignore. Ignore. Ignore some more.

  • The RIC loves to make the cheater “the victim”. Why? Because “85%” (at least) of the cheaters won’t buy a book, let alone a program or counseling, to save their marriage, whereas 85% of chumps would. After all, chumps are still invested. We’ll read how we can improve ourselves so that we’re better spouses to the poor, “insane” victim. The RIC narrative has to be congruent with best “opportunity” to make $1418.

    I mean, if you’re a cheater, do you really care about saving your marriage? You’re the one making thousands of choices to destroy your marriage. Spend $1418 to save it? Nah, the ROI on that is low: a sobbing spouse, a post-nup, and showing remorse. For $1418, the cheater could take schmoopie on a nice weekend trip and get sexual circus acts. In my situation, cheater demonstrated that he’d rather spend his money on weekend trips to have silly schmoopie juggle his clown balls at romantic inns then deal with the mess he chose to create.

    “Dr” Huizenga’s business model is sound, even though his advice is shit and he is profiting by taking advantage of the vulnerable.

  • If you study mythology, you find everyone, even the gods and demi gods, has a weakness, a flaw. Chumps have a flaw in the belief that we can fix things. The bad news is, you cannot fix everything. Some things, and people, are broken beyond redemption. They do things that should keep them out of any society, and they cannot be redeemed, and they don’t feel any guilt. They care about their image because they don’t want to be caught or held accountable. They have no empathy, and the worst of them actually enjoy causing others pain.

    There are many bad things that can happen to people in life. Most are not what we describe as karmic. Good people get cancer, die of a virus, stroke, or heart attack. Bad things happen to many chumps — we grow up in dysfunctional families. Bad things can happen to young narcissists, sociopaths, and psychopaths. We may find out about those things, and try to forgive them or rehabilitate them, but they do not want to be changed. Chumps seek change to fix problems, and carry an inordinate burden of guilt. Chumps will take on more than their share of work and responsibility. The truly empty people have no feelings for anyone and think our feelings are a weakness to be exploited.

    We do not want to accept the notion that some things cannot be fixed. We can fix our notion, even though we don’t like it. That is the only way we can protect ourselves from our weakness. Think of it the way insurance companies think of property — a total loss. Write it off, its value is less than the cost to try and fix it, and some property cannot be fixed. Some people are a total loss, too.

    Maybe someday we can work to get laws changed to actually punish people who lie, cheat, and defraud their family and friends. Currently our laws do not cover these crimes. They are considered family business. We may, eventually, be able to fix that.

  • “Feelings pass like fluffy clouds that dissolve into beautiful sunsets and trust issues“ LOL sigh Yep used to focus on his problems but no more. Left that cheater and gaining a life thank you UBT & CL!

  • Disney daddy is selling this to our children and anyone else who will listen. He can sell snake oil as a cure all.

  • “It’s pretty simple when you stop to think about it: pain comes from your thoughts.”

    For $1178 I’ll show you how to perform a DIY lobotomy. No more challenging thoughts, no more pain. Plus it will make you so much more compliant with your cheating spouse’s plans and desires.

    That, in addition to your money, is all that matters.

    What a leech.

  • All these therapist stories just strengthens my resolve therapy should not be considered when it involves cheating partners. Complete waste of time and money. Go to therapy to figure out your issues or to help transitioning from or leaving a marriage. Even if you have to for some reason stay in a crappy partnership therapy could help. Couples therapy may help with coping with kids, finances, communication but not cheating or any abuse.

    • My ex, the massive champion cheater, wanted to go to therapy for “family” and c-parenting support. He was so stressed about my supposed unfair co-parenting that we agreed to go to a parenting through separation course. I went to it, he never bothered to show up. He wanted our daughter to see a therapist. I found one for her and he disagreed with my choice. I said okay you find one you approve of, he never did. He wanted to go to see a therapist with me because I was so angry he thought I needed anger management. I agreed and he didn’t show up. See, disordered assholes really don’t want help. They just like blaming and avoiding. I paid some money to the RIC so I could understand how I contributed to my husband fucking other women all over town. And what I came to is that I really don’t possess the power to place his dick in other women’s vaginas. He did that ALL by himself! The whole therapeutic process is lost on these idiots because they don’t believe they have a problem.

    • Shoul not be considered for verbal and psychological abuse, either. Best way in the world to up their game!

  • This load of crap isn’t worth a response, if for no other reason then I would be dumber afterwards.

  • When I was clumped for the first time in 1980, I was given all of that crappy advice for free. My husband was the VICTIM, clearly I was doing something that MADE him cheat, and everyone would be oh-so-much happier if I’d just work on me and fix my flaws so he would no longer be victimized by my horribleness. My father said all men cheat and I should just get over it. My mother said I’d made my bed, now I needed to lie in it. My sister said good wives didn’t have husbands who cheat. My pastor said marriage was a sacrament and I needed to fix whatever it was about me that made him have to cheat, and my therapist said marriage is a commitment and I could benefit from group therapy to reinforce that value.

    My father was a cheater, coming from a long line of cheaters and my mother had put up with it for forty years. My sister was one of the Ex’s affair partners, the pastor had marriage classes that could do ma a great deal of benefit. Those marriage classes were led by Sister Margaret, who was also fucking my husband. (He was “helping her to discover if she had a real vocation.”). I have no excuse for the “therapist,” who I chose because she was cheap and I was financially strapped what with supporting Cheater and I and (unbeknownst to me) paying for his affairs. Who knew? If I had chosen the expensive therapist, he could have “affair proofed” my marriage? Instead, I chose a cheap lawyer.

    If only I had learned to fix my picker back then!

    • Holy cow… With friends like that…. Horrid. I had the same problem, where all my friends & family thought I was the one who was the problem. Somehow I can see it clearer in others.

    • “My sister said good wives didn’t have husbands who cheat. […] My sister was one of the Ex’s affair partners.”

      Ewww! And of course. You were the family and spiritual community scapegoat. Whatever they did, they totally excused themselves by shifting every iota of their shame and any blame onto you.

      • Yep. Totally the scapegoat. Glad I left my parents home the day after high school graduation.

    • Terrible!! I like to think we’ve evolved since the 80s, but I’m not so sure because we still have the likes of this Dr. Robert H. and the aforementioned Mort F.

      Ex Mrs. Sparkly, I know that what you went through was awful, just awful, but I did have to laugh at the part about Sister Margaret. She and your ex were fucking in order to help her “to discover if she had a real vocation”? You can’t make this up. Wonder what she decided. Let me guess…

      • Don’t know what she decided but I sure wish I had outed her. Jesus cheaters are the worst.

        • Ex-Mrs Sparkly Pants – glad to know that I’m not the only one. My serial cheater (who had a affinity for much older women) groomed our female (single) minister. Not sure if they ever did the “deed” but he did say in his sleep when he was binging “I have to let (her name) go”. She was encouraging him to leave me during their “counseling sessions”. Lovely. I agree – there is nothing worse than a Jesus cheater (mine was an elder in her church). When I went for counseling with her (once) she was very twitchy – now I know why. But a nun? Wow. Yours takes the cake (literarily).

    • What a horrendous web of deceit you were trapped in! Very glad you cut your way out x

    • I’m so very sorry for your experience. Your’s was a particularly incendiary experience. Take some comfort in knowing you are not alone. Mediocrity will always attack excellence and you were living a good life but surrounded by less than admirable family and friends and professionals. My cheater spent 19 months and thousands of dollars on a psychiatrist in San Diego who convinced him I was gone too much for work; they also blamed the cheaters (dead) mother for being too controlling; they blamed my (dead) Dad for dying under the care of a surgeon my cheater recommended and was now feeling guilty about; and they actually blamed the first prostitute in a long line of whores for being so great that he continued the behavior of banging whores because she was so good….that one literally took the “Cake”. Chump lady’s are good women.

      • Jo! What in the ever loving Fuck???? I live in the San Diego area. Holy crap! Who is this therapist so I can AVOID!!! If you feel OK messaging me privately? Im not sure how its done here on CL or Im on FB too, I would be open to that. If not, thats fine too. I have a therapist (so far I love) and a Psychiatrist (not the warm and fuzzy type but an old hippy type I seem to like) both of whom have helped me through the skein and getting to Meh eventually. 19 month of BS from a Psych? Fuck that! It is scary how these so called professionals can potentially screw up the vulnerable and cheaters too even more! As I say again, thank GOD for CL and CN!

        • I send this name to you with integrity, honesty, and love – my husband/doctor Cheater spent 19 months and $30K on The psychiatrist Robert Neborsky…together they blamed his dead mother, they extended the blame to his dead dad, they blamed me for being gone too much for work, they played the mid life crisis game, they read his reviews of the whores together like some porn bonding game. I swear to God, Ive never even had a parking ticket !!!! I stuck by this man for 26 years, thought we were building a life together, he fucked whores the entire time and God as my witness I didn’t know — and it’s not because I’m stupid it’s because I gave him my trust and I held his trust…. this idiot Neborsky in San Diego was so arrogant, they blame the mothers, they blame the wives, and then they start a literature review. Neborsky laughed at “ betrayal trauma” – he never wanted to meet me so the last time (Sat July 11, 2020) that my Cheater saw him I said give this arrogant asshole a copy of LACGAL….. cheater actually took it down, Neborsky tossed it aside and said of the author “never heard of her..” Arrogant fking pigs. This is EXACTLY why I’m glad I grew up on a ranch and although I’m a lawyer and in Bev Hills my roots are deep and authentic – the poisonous people can damage you – push you to the wall but not through it. The more I cried because of the shock that 1/2 of 26 years together wasn’t real……the more they try to mind fuck you….stay strong. I’m doing the best acting job I can.

  • This is one of the saddest things I’ve ever read on Chumplady. There are men and women so horribly wounded that they will grasp at any straw that might offer them relief from the soul crashing pain they are experiencing. I’m so sorry for anyone who was convinced by the RIC industry that the cheating was their fault. May those who heap additional suffering onto the chump rot in a hell of the own making.

    • Well, it’s the year 2020 and that same heap of unjustified poop was laid on me, my dead dad, his dead mother, and the fact that cheater doctors work so hard and are entitled to a surge of “acting out”. Acting Out!?!?!? My cheater husband is not 12 years old, acting out is for children, my fukwit banged countless whores because he knew he could have his Cake and eat it too and the fking psychiatrist agreed with his “ stress relief and Androgel” causes…… pigs…..freaking pigs…..piggy men, piggy whores. If the prostitutes on City Source and City Vibe and Erotic Monkey and all this other asinine web sites are so great and so beautiful why are they holed up in apartments taking loser man after loser man……it’s because they are psychopaths and can’t function in real day to day life – they’re the pretty gal who turns ugly fast when the clerk gives her the wrong change – crazy psychopaths. And the cops get tricks for free and the mental health professionals still blame the hard working child bearing honest wives. Rise up Chump Nation, where’s the “ Not Me” movement!?

  • Interestingly– I actually worked w Huizenga after my ex’s affair. I have mixed feelings. Yes he was expensive but he definitely helped me move toward the reality that the marriage was over and encouraged me to take ownership of my new life. In fact, in coaching sessions he told me I had to kick my cheating (then) husband out of the house and start taking care of myself. He told me to stop trying to save the marriage.

    To set the record straight– he himself is a chump.

    I hate the MLM crap he does w clients. That part is a annoying. And his prices are nuts. (I spent money on everything in the effort to save my marriage, before I wished up and found CL). But his background in the church as well as the religious culture of my community (he lives in my area) helped me decode what was actually happening.

    Of all the RIC things I wanted my money on– and I used Divorce Busters coaches (1200 worth), Marriage Helper (3200 in retreats and coaching) and Huizenga (600), I found his to be the most aimed towards self care, self awareness and moving on.

    I do love the UBT’s take on this! It definitely hit close to home, yikes!

    • If he could come up with this MLM and he’s a chump, that is especially awful.

      I read quite a bit of his site and I see he gives a caveat for physical abuse, bitch cookie? but this is utter mindfuckery and profiteering from a blame-the-victim message.

      That he’s from the church makes it worse. Jesus, money lenders, temple… I recall.

      • Yes. It’s fucked up.
        You definitely need to run the Marriage Helper organization through the UBT. Even more fucked up than Huizenga.

        • And Affair Recovery. When they have the couples who’ve gone through it (mentors), you can still see the pain within the chump, even though they’re marriage is “better than ever”.

  • Wow, clickbait that is actually harmful. There are plenty of opportunists out there, not just our cheaters.

    It’s a rare chump who doesn’t go through the “i want to fix this” and self-blame phase. I’d like to hear from a chump who didn’t!

    Better to spend the thousand dollars on a private investigator to get evidence!

    • I didn’t go through the “I want to fix this” phase, neither did I ever feel any self-blame.

      I always knew cheating and lying was a deal breaker for me, and I don’t think I’m the only chump who took that stance straight from dday.

      I was very lucky to find LACGAL straight away, reading it validated everything I was feeling, and reinforced my decision to file for divorce immediately.

      I’m not at all invalidating those chumps who went down the RIC road, but it was something I never considered even for a second. I *knew* I would never be able to trust that fucker ever again, and that was that.

      • That explains it, Chumpnomore… The first thing I found was Esther Perel! Then survivinginfidelity.com led me to CL.

        If only every chump was so lucky to find CL first, I know I would’ve been spared so much pain, confusion, and misdirected anger.

        • It doesn’t explain it *entirely*.

          From the moment I found out, I was filled with absolute *rage*. Yes, I was devastated, and deeply hurt, I cried many tears.

          But the uppermost emotion was sheer primordial *rage* that I was so duped by a person I’d loved and *trusted* with everything I had.

          I was most sickened and enraged when I realised that the pos had planned for me to live in the flat with the *cunt who re* under the pretence “she’s a friend, she’ll help with the bills.”

          I have never in my life felt such a fool. Such rage and hate when I found out.

          So, when I read these comments, of people who are loving and kind in spite of everything, I wonder if I’m a really *nasty* person, because I never felt any of that – I hated, and I still hate.

          I don’t think I’m a real chump, I’m not like all of you, you’re so *nice*. And I’m not.

          • Chumpnomore, i don’t think being a chump is a title we can choose; we’re chumps because that’s what happened to us. So you either are or aren’t, kind of like how there’s no ‘real’ or ‘fake’ widows.

            It actually took me weeks to reach anger after d-day. I was simply too stunned, I couldn’t reconcile the man i married with the lying, cheating asshole that he actually was. Now i think attempts at reconciliation are a form of denial.

            And frankly, I’m stuck at anger now. I’m not “nice” at all, just bitter, resentful, hateful, spiteful. But I’m working to get it out of my system. He’s already taken up enough space in my life, why should he get to live in my head rent-free.

            • Same CometoMeh!
              I have been numb since finding out he cheated on me with men.
              I don’t want him anymore but finding out 25 years into it is just something that is so devastating.
              Plus the financial cheating…leaving us destitute (he even fathered a child obviosly with a woman. So, child support…failed business because of his reckless decisions..I am in the financial biz, despite my advice, he did it anyway).
              Its beyond!
              Trying to find my balance.
              Hugs to you soul chump.

  • I’m a lawyer, I have a masters degree in clinical psych and I have a Cheater physician husband who just revealed his having banged 20 plus whores throughout our 26 year marriage. I have bitten my tongue long enough as I suspect many doctors wives have done – although I am shattered and shocked I will not let this charlatan of a man break me – thank goodness fo LACGAL book. The medical community is full of frauds, they HATE it when someone says “ my “ doctor it’s an inside joke they don’t belong to anyone, they HATE patients that call them by their first name, the Beverly Hills nurses make jokes about how fat someone’s wife is – I’m only 100 pounds sopping wet but I’d die before I’d put myself in their hands – hence I’ve not been to a doc since the 1990’s because I married one and got a grim look at the inside of the blue code of silence. I’ve seen docs drinking and sucking on joints taking call and pissing off patients telling them to wait until Monday…. And the mental health industry is worse – my professors during grad school for clinical psych said a good neighbor is worth more than the clowns out there today – and it’s true. Nothing is confidential, nothing is ever really HIPPA protected, and my jackass doctor cheater spent $30,000 after 19 months lying to his psychiatrist where they bonded doctor to doctor and decided to blame his dead mother and hard working wife (me) for traveling too much which led to his serial whoring on The Erotic Review. Really???? He had no problem taking the money I made to pay 1/2 the bills. Beware of doctors, whoring nurses who sell stories to the tabloids, and unethical mental health professionals. Watch closely this year for the Beverly Hills surgeon who is going to go down when every whore he laid with since 2007 shows up in his lobby for free prescriptions – I had my D Day and forgave him….followed by another D Day……followed by another D Day…..I forgave…..only to be mindfucked again- game over,

  • There are many charlatans in the self help industry. Thank you for this great article. Snake oil salesmen are always ready to prey and pounce on the vulnerable. Shields up.

  • I actually talked to Dr. Huizinga. His facebook infidelity group is the first group I found and I made a lot of great friends there. However, in talking to him, he kept asking me what he could do for me. I was so frustrated because I called him and was paying him and I was a month out of finding out about the affair. I didn’t know what he could do for me. He told me to tell my ex he was making a huge mistake. So yeah, his advice wasn’t that great.

  • You’re doing the Lord’s work here, Chump Lady! Seriously, more investigative journalism should expose how many people pour their wallets out for bullshit like this, but the world is so full of leaders who would benefit from some bullshit it doesn’t happen. I hope his name gets tied to this article and it ends up higher in google searches for him so more people know how full of shit he and others like him are.

  • I wonder if this bullshit/con artist is at all connected to Scientology – “puts you on overwhelm” is a pretty uniquely Scientologist phrase.

  • I never fell victim to these snake oil salesmen (although I did read some of their stuff) – but I did to the “sex addiction” industry. I don’t dispute that it exists – however, what they don’t tell you is that “sex addict”/serial cheaters have a MUCH bigger issue than serial cheating which is just the tip of the iceberg. They are mentally disordered – mostly overt or covert narcissists. They get it right that it is caused by a childhood trauma – but what they don’t tell you is that for them to heal from it and become a somewhat normal, empathetic, non-cheating partner, would take 24/7 therapy and/or a brain transplant. So – another flavor of snake oil salesmen is the sex addict industry. Hopium for us Chumps. I hope you cover that in another blog.

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