What Did You Do With the Photos?
You are the curator of your own history, so I’m curious — what artifacts have stayed and what’s gone? Or is it all moldering in the back of a closet somewhere?
One of the hardest things to do after a divorce and the decimation of a shared history, is go through the photos. There you are, looking so smiley and clueless.
I suppose now in a digital era, you can just delete some jpgs, or suck it up into the Cloud and file under “Fuckwit” for future war crime tribunals.
But others of us have entire audio visual libraries with our kids, our parents, grandparents, nieces and cousins.
Did you save it, chuck it, give it to your kids? Burn it in a giant pyre and dance around the flames? Leave it on the lawn for the raccoons?
I’m sure some newbies are going through this — if you have a creative solution, or some solace, pass it on.
TGIF, CN!
If it was just me, I’d have chucked it all. But I’ve got two small kids who were just 3 and 5 when everything imploded. I kind of feel like I’d be erasing their history and where they came from by getting rid of everything. My own as well I guess. We were together from when I was 17 to 33. So I’ve boxed everything up, photo albums etc, and it’s currently in the back of a wardrobe in the spare room. It’ll probably go to my parents house when I move house shortly. Fresh start and all that! But to hand for when the kids are older and if they want to look.
Gave wedding photos to my ex MIL who I am willing to talk to still; she’ll give them to the kids if they want them in the future. Otherwise there are plenty of photos of me and the kids without their dad; all the engagement photos of he and I were thrown in the trash happily when I sorted stuff to move out.
Out of sight, out of mind!
I took a few and ripped them up. It felt great. I saved the rest. They are in a type and there for the children if they ever want them.
I have photos as a couple, and they are some of my favourite photos of myself ever taken. My son edited him out with photoshop and replaced him with Jon Hamm.:)
Haha. This ???????? My Mom had some photos cropped. Our photos are fucktard free too.
I love that idea!!!!
Have your son edit the photos of you again, replacing Jon Hamm with, say, the Dalai Lama.
You know, to impress the real Jon Hamm when he drops by for tea. 😀
That’s the perfect solution.
I did this, and let the box sit for about three years. I’m just now going through it, setting aside anything that has XW in it (for the kids, if they want it, in the future), and am in the process of framing pictures with only me and/or kids. I wouldn’t have been able to handle it just after the discard, but it’s OK now.
I’m setting aside XW’s childhood photos. I’ll return them to her if she either (A) starts treating me with some respect and consideration, or (B) offers me something in exchange. It feels too mean to burn them, but I know her well enough that it’s stupid to voluntarily surrender anything that might get me some leverage in the future. Maybe I’ll use them to get back the certified copies of the kids’ birth certificates that she temporarily “borrowed” from me a year and a half ago.
Involuntary Georgian,
As far as I know, you could order your own copies of birth certificates from the county where your kids were born. I think they are certified as well.
Hi IG. Unlikely she’ll ever give them back to you. I know it’s unfair but order your own set and never ever “lend” them to her. Like my ex she’ll try to claim she never got them and you have some responsibility to provide her with anything kid related she asks for.
My ex also played games with passports. Once he didn’t give them to me until the morning of our flight to the Bahamas. So the day after my children turned 18 I supervised them in obtaining their own passports making sure they filled out the form and paid the fee themselves, ( later I gave them money for it). I reinforced that this is their own legal document and no one else’s and instructed them to keep it secure from everyone including me. I did this in a joking way saying I don’t want to be tempted to assume a new identity.. This got the message across without pointing a finger at the ex.
I keep them in a box marked “ancient history” in case my kids want to look through them one day. It’s their history, too. It happened, I learned, I grew.
I’m dealing with this now – very timely! No marriage, no kids, just together for 4 years and living together for 2 of those.
I’ve got a box of letters and cards. I can’t look at them the same but I also can’t bring myself to throw them out/set them on fire. Not because I have any sentimental attachment to him or want to get back together (oh hell no), but because it reminds me that I wasn’t imagining things.
I bought a few nice storage boxes from IKEA for general tidying purposes and I was inspired – I put all the letters in one box. It’s got two slots for handles which I use as a postbox. I’m a write-it-out-to-get-it-out kind of gal, so whenever I feel like crap or angry or I’m just processing the effed-upness of it all I write it out often in letter form, and “post” it in the box. Helps me feel better, gets it out my system. And if I ever want to look through it one day I’ve got the whole picture.
Also I recently discovered a box of old photos and cards from school in my parent’s attic. Going through them ten years later has really helped put some of the issues and memories I had back then in perspective. I’m hoping this will do something similar for me in several years time.
I don’t have kids, but I think this is fair. I know I’d want those memories. The divorce has nothing to do with the kids, and when they are older they can choose to do what they want with the photos.
I threw out all physical photos of my XH and I. All the digital stuff (wedding photos, regular photos, and wedding video) are all together in a file folder on the computer…but I wouldn’t care if the computer had a melt down and lost everything in it. I’d probably consider it meant to be if that happened haha
I haven’t done anything Haven’t looked at family photos in 5 years. I do take photos with my kids now( I was hardly ever in photos too busy taking them of him with the kids. I will have to eventually deal with them and will offer any with him in them to the kids.
NewLady,
Ditto on the I was too busy taking the photos. My xh rarely did anything with our kids unless I more-less forced him. Every single time he did anything even by our kids I snapped a picture. So I have tons of pics of just my kids and the rest are of xh with kids. There are only a handful of pics of me with our kids. Only a few times would he take a pic, even though I asked him to a lot. After awhile, I just gave up even asking.
If anyone would look at our family pics before xh left (including my kids when they’re older) they would think xh did a lot with our kids and I wasnt even around. No one thinks about who was taking all these pics. That does bother me.
That’s my story too..hardly in a photo…took them all…
He would never take the photos.. but would make a big drama out of me taking them … .
He’d also make stupid faces – tongue our etc – if I tried to take ‘ nice photos – so no really nice family pics… just lots with him being a jerk if I asked him to smile – or better ones which I took when he was not aware..
Yep. If anyone looked at the photos – they would think he was a single parent & I never did anything with my kids – the complete opposite to the truth!
I am saving the photos for the kids. I can’t look at them anymore and I loved our photos and albums. It was a big deal for me to have pictures of the family, but I was the one taking them. Always me behind the lens so Xhole is in most of the photos. Should have clued me in that he didn’t want me in the picture from the start. Some of the photos I am in I look sad or angry. That’s when he took photos, usually after some big rift and he was trying to make things up to me. So much pain documented for all to see.
It just occurred to me that the few photos that I have that X took of me while we were together he took mostly when I was angry or upset. Or I was spackling hard for the camera while he posed us for happy family shots. I am not the most beautiful, photogenic woman out there, but it was like he was intentionally trying to take photos of me were I looked as unattractive as possible. It could just be that he’s a terrible picture taker, but I also think it was a way to devalue me to himself and make me more insecure.
So, I have kept a few photos of ‘us’, hidden away in a container with other historical items of that time for my son to have one day. But the rest have been torched. The pictures, the cards and letters (full of lies), the dreams he painted which he never intended to fulfill. All up in ashes, literally and figuratively. But I’ve used the ashes as compost in my beautiful new garden of life without him in it.
THIS!!! My ex started posting photos of me on Facebook that were extremely unflattering. I told him I didn’t like it and to stop it! He’d say, “But I like the photo, I think it’s cute.” Now I know it was around the time that the coworker entered the scene…it was the start of the devaluing…
Skunkcabbage _ Love this – “But I’ve used the ashes as compost in my beautiful new garden of life without him in it.” YEA!
I was surprised that my ex left his first wife with their 15 years of photos *red flag* but even more surprised that he left me and our two kids after 15 years with all the photos too. It really spoke to his *double covert lives of lies* so I’m keeping them. Bizarre!
My fuckwit also did the same thing to his previous wife/family.
I tucked the wedding pics in a box when he was packing.
In another box went bags of cards and letters that he wrote to me over the 15 years
I just didn’t want that stuff, it means nothing
Yes, my ex left 20+ years of photos with his former wife after he left her. I took that as being the respectful thing to do because he was the one leaving. When they are done they are done and just want to move on.
This exactly: “When they are done they are done and just want to move on.”… People with Narcissistic Personality Disorder have zero empathy. They don’t mourn because they don’t feel. They mimic feelings. And when they are done, it is as if you never existed to them. Example: After Mr. Sparkles left me for the OW, his first wife decided it was necessary to tell me that she fucked him throughout my marriage and now that he had left me she thought it would make me feel better to know… I brought it up to him and he just gave me that cold dark eyed stare and shrugged… my therapist called that out as NPD behavior. Chilling.
The cold, dark stare. Oh, do I know that cold, dark stare. At first I interpreted it as pensive, deep thinking, or clueless, or perhaps inquisitive. Flash forward 26 years married (28 together) and the cold, dark stare is simply callous, uncaring, arrogant, cruel, condescending, detached, and defensive. My fkwit cheater is a doctor with an ego the size of Montana – FYI I’ve heard him and so so so many of his colleagues say how they hate patients saying “MY doctor…” they say we don’t belong to anyone. Many Doctors have that kind “how are you” mannerism in the office but roll their eyes behind patients back – they also joke when a patient says it feels “weird” that’s another inside joke about how stupid we mere mortals are. Yes, I remember the cold dark stare well.
I did the same thing. He left me for a 24 year old subordinate when I was 39. We started dating in high school. Prom pics, love letters, ticket stubs…they all got tucked into his boxes that I packed bc I wanted his SHIT out of my house as soon as humanly possible. I hope they served as little hurt bombs later, but doubt he gave a damn.
I did exactly the same thing. I put them in his Christmas box – All the over the top loving cards and letters and framed pics. Of course my fantasy is that he opens the box with Schmoopie to decorate their tree, and she sees all his wild proclamations of affection and devotion to me!
My daughter stored the other pictures in a special file on her computer.
Cheaters like to rewrite history. Share photos with ex. seeing the photos is a reminder to what the fuckwit is really like.
There is a cliche where there’s no sense there’s no feeling. Also more helpful I find immaturity breeds like of empathy.
You can change yourself but not ex.
Ex said he was going to become financially responsible. that would be good, took him long enough.
Some people don’t grow up
My ex is in her 40’s, and has never lived entirely financially independent. Her whole life, she has always been dependent on her father, or me, or both.
Financially responsible? Nah, that never happens. 10 years later my ex is still up financial shit creek without a paddle!
Like leftovers in the fridge that you don’t want to throw out cause it’s a waste of food, but you know you aren’t going to eat it. I just leave them till later when you know they have to go.
They aren’t food so you’ve got some years to ignore them for.
This is an excellent metaphor!
I put out-of-date leftovers out for the possums and raccoons. The thought of old X ephemera passing through the digestive system of a possum, with the inevitable outcome, makes me laugh.
That’s a lousy thing to do. People who get pleasure from abusing animals suck.
Skinwalker,
She was JOKING! It’s not something she did. Thinking about xh being in a pile of shit is FUNNY AS SHIT! Lol
skinwalker,
Whoah, lighten up. Ivyleague is NOT getting “pleasure from abusing animals”.
Chumps need to support each other – no angry blasting, please. Save that for the narcs.
You can tell a lot from body language in photos, especially wedding photos. Some couples (the ones that don’t have a cheater in them) lean in towards each other and seem completely united right from the beginning. When you look at my wedding photos my cheater is interacting with the photographer, not me. He almost looks as if he’s in a different set of photos. So it is quite interesting keeping all those albums, just because you realize, looking at them, that the red flags were there all along.
The same here. Even before DDay, I realized that he never put his arm around any of us. Instead, he stood there with his arms by his side. At his retirement party a “family “ picture was taken with me literally dragging his elbow towards me. After I had left, he had a picture taken with schmoopie ( yes, she was there) and he had no problem holding her waist!
I washed my car with my dress and cut the rest into cleaning rags. I had plenty of pictures of him because he really really loves himself..I took some of them to the shooting range for target practice. Big big fun!
Omg, I spent hours dissecting body language in all the photos after DDay. There was often (after 1st few yrs) a tiny little bit of a space between us – I would’ve never noticed it until I started looking. – the sides of our bodies were not glued to each other. And Yes, the wedding photographer also had to tell him how to engage with me in the pics- he was just standing next to me until she coached him. I still don’t know if I’m making too much of that and how! But it doesn’t matter anymore.
Yeah, this issue of “leaning in” is a tough one for me, because our wedding was beautiful. (A same-sex wedding in the US in 1998, so it wasn’t legal at the time – but we still had 100+ guests, and it was clearly a wedding.) Almost everyone in attendance has told me at one point or another that it was the best wedding they have ever attended – a lovely ceremony, delicious food, and a great party afterward. STBX and I both look very happy in all the photos, no issues with anybody leaning away. The problem was that STBX was 23 at the time of our wedding (I was 25), and she never matured emotionally beyond that point. She’s a covert narc, emphasis on covert, and her brand of fuckwittedness leans toward utter confusion about what’s appropriate in a long-term mature relationship, as opposed to stonewalling or open assholery. I’m sure she honestly believes she can be fully in love and present with more than one person at a time – she told me she “compartmentalizes” really well.
In reality, it turns out she wasn’t so good at compartmentalizing after all. I knew that something was wrong during both her affairs, and I occasionally felt devalued between them. (A lot of the devaluing was so subtle that it didn’t always register consciously for me – the main red flag was my constant fatigue, which no medical specialist could diagnose.) STBX’s first affair was short enough that I discovered the truth before I was even able to formulate the right questions. The second one, many years later, happened right after STBX’s mom died, so I didn’t ask the questions because I thought I already knew the answer. But STBX remains, to this day, and after years of both individual and couples therapy, extremely confused about how to treat me with respect, even though she would be delighted if I were willing to spackle some more and do the “friendly divorce” thing. She would love to “lean in” to me in a photo even now. She has an image to manage, after all.
During the early phase I tossed a good chunk of intimate items; photos, keepsakes, the like. Almost to create a moat of protection.
Then during the move out (sold family home) I tossed the next round of keepsakes.
But to newbies, pause there if you can. Because if you can hide away treasures for a while, it get easier to go though and consider.
I think I lost a family photo or two that I wish I hadn’t.
These days, x has the actual photos, I have digital versions and am slowly putting together albums, displaying kid pics my way, etc.. and I’m not triggered by the occasional family photo or memory.
Yes, all 3 phases are important to healing:
1-Burning/shredding/disposing of those things that are symbolic of ridding you of the cheater and their place in your life.
2-Quarantining the rest so you do not daily or accidentally come upon them as reminders of good or bad times.
3-Archiving. This happens as meh occurs and as you have the time and energy to sift through the quarantined items.
With the kids, displayed framed photos in their room of the wedding and them with their father doting on them. I wanted them to know our family was real, they were born out of love, and they were wanted.
As the kids enter their teens, I am slowly replacing those photos with the things they are interested in, and just placing those framed photos in the closet or under their beds. They can decide in future how they want to treat those relics of their childhood.
As for electronic photos, that was a fraught experience for me since ex cheater (unwittingly?) left a lot of inappropriate things (dic pics, BDSM selfies, sexting messages, violent fantasies, calendar events) to be discovered later (thanks Apple family accounts, ugh) that the kids and me should not have to see. I called them time bombs, and I had to have sessions where I archived them for future litigation, and purged them from all our electronics when the kids weren’t home. I did it knowing that I wouldn’t inflict those things on anyone I cared for, and having a professional do it for my lawyer was goint to cost thousands of dollars. I developed PTD from those sessions, and would cry to my sister after each one, so not sure it was worth it.
I found things that NOBODY would be okay with their children being exposed to, but after 3 lawyers and $38k in legal fees and private detectives, I threw in the towel. No matter how disgusted or outraged the lawyers I hired were with what I was showing them, they kept asking for more, warning me that 50/50 custody is the default where I live, and you need direct evidence of physical harm to get a change in custody. So for my own peace of mind, I called it quits, and am focusing on being a present and sane mom for them. I’m using the money I would have spent on a court battle (he’s a lawyer with no shame) investing in their college funds (he provides nothing) and health care savings accounts (for mental health treatment they are going to need after being raised half the time by a sociopath).
The last stage of my recovery was going through the sanitized bucket of electronic photos from the beginning of our family, and deleting all his selfies from the Apple iCloud accounts. My rule was, if it has a picture of at least one kid in it, it stays. Otherwise, there is no need for me to archive pictures of him or his family or friends that don’t have the kids in them.
My ‘meh’ level has increased a great deal since completing this process, which has taken 3 years. Hopefully, the kids are benefitting from my Meh too.
I really like the idea of deleting pics of the ex if there is no kid in it. I’m at the 2.5 year mark. I kept the house, so there has been a process of going through all the stuff. I’ve done that and gotten rid of anything of his that doesn’t belong here. I’ve also done some decorating to start transforming the house and make everything new again, which has been really helpful. Half my house has now been painted, art work changed up, furniture re-arranged.
The final frontier is now the years of digital photos on the computer. I always meant to create photo books over the years, don’t we all? I’m finally going to sit down and do it with the goal of having gone through it all over the next six months.
So glad you feel that you have reached a state of “meh”. I’m getting there too and hope that surviving the organization of the pictures, albeit likely to be a painful process, will also be very cathartic.
Yep—3 years here too. High five!
And I’m really proud of myself.
I really like myself.
Newbies— you will too.
I really like that idea – no kid it gets deleted and tossed. I’m doing that also- actually going to have my sister do it for me because I would have PTSD too. Thank you.
Strangely, after 20-plus years of marriage, I don’t have lots of photos of my STBX. This is something I’ve considered bringing up with my therapist, because I wonder if it’s characteristic of narcissistic abuse.
The wedding album is packed away in a storage unit to be fuel for a bonfire once the papers are signed. I’ve deleted most of the photos from our last two trips—the scenery, there were none of “him” or “us.”
I do have, however, three photos I can’t seem to delete. They were taken before DDay, and he’s smiling and laughing and there’s no sign of the nightmare I was truly living. I don’t think I’m at the point where I’m ready to 100% erase him from my life. Part of me wonders if I’ll ever get there.
I still have some photos on my Insta, we were together almost 10yrs so I don’t want to just delete them because those years were part of my life. Besides I also like how I look in them!!
I don’t think there is anything wrong with keeping some photos. I have all our photos in a file on my computer, none of them are hanging up or in albums. The only place any are displayed are on Insta and they are from years ago, 7 total. They will stay up, because again I like how I look AND I’m not going to completely erase all those years. They were lived and during better times.
It’s different for everyone.
The photos with him are boxed up for my daughter. She can decide what to do with them when she’s older. Cheating slimed every. single. nanosecond of my life with him.
One thing I did that helped me was to print out a paper copies of a photo I previously thought of as “handsome”. I got a Sharpie and wrote captions like “I am OK with hurting you.” “I lie about everything” “I am untrustworthy” etc. I made a book out of them and it helped break the spell of who I thought he was.
Upon awakening this morning I was thinking about how 27 years of my life feels like a dream that never happened. How cheating is the perfect crime in that blows up a person and their entire life, present, past, and future. Without laying a finger on them. And a whole lot of people will jump in and blame the victim.
Haha Velvet Hammmer! I did the same thing with our massive wedding portrait; it was such a beautiful photo but I wasn’t interested in keeping it so I have him a makeover and wrote similar sentences as you did, and eventually burned it along with all the keepsakes, ticket stubs, cards, love letters….. so many lies and broken promises, often admissions of how poorly he treated me too…. looking back I wish I’d paid attention to that and taken action on it. In the end I’m happy to be out.
I feel the same – like it was all a dream. And I don’t know who I was because I am such a different person now from all the trauma and fear.
The cheater blew up my past and present, yes, but he only ruined one of the many futures i could’ve had: my future with him, which would’ve sucked anyway since he turned out to be a turd.
And now, i get to determined my own future. And despite the shitstorm hell of divorce, I’m still pretty excited to write my next chapter!
When i was feeling suicidal i realized: I’ll probably be a footnote in his life now that he has his AP, but if i end my life now he’ll be my last chapter. I couldn’t accept that! Sol i decided to continue living because soon he’ll just be a footnote in MY life.
I understand the feelings about your future dreams being exploded. I faced that too. Along with many other hard things about the divorce process. I had to face the hard reality that he spent our assets on stuff he hoarded and then removed from the house. Who knows what he did with it. He may have sold a good portion of it and never reported it as income to the divorce lawyer. Why would he, he’s entitled to do whatever he wants! How could I prove what he has done? What it was actually worth once it is no longer able to be appraised? I couldn’t prevent him from removing more things from the house until he got ugly. My lawyer would NOT let me. So I just was reduced to watching things leave or trying to find something that had been there yesterday but is now missing. I’m just forced to share what I have documentation for in my assets while he keeps trying to hiding his assets. The system is rigged. Cheaters are playing the system like they did the marriage. I don’t care how well prepared you are. Trust me, CL is correct. Trust. That. They. Suck.
I knew someone would leave a comment like this about the future being blown up….
He did blow up my future, as could many acts of violence. I didn’t say it is the future I planned on for financial security because we own a business together. I have been a full time parent for over a decade by choice, and that business was my retirement plan. I do get to plan a new future where I will be better off because I won’t be shackled to a traitor, no doubt. But I am still angry and terrified watching the security I planned and put in 20 years building go up in a blast detonated by my so-called husband. It takes a very long time to get centered, calm down, regroup and rebuild.
No planned future is ever guaranteed…..I had one cousin drown at age two and another cousin die from leukemia at age ten…it’s still scary and painful to watch future hopes vaporize into the mists of time and have to replace them.
Thank you. I needed to read this. Copying and saving. ????
You’re welcome and big big hugs to you! May chump nation help you write that next chapter.
I feel like that sums it up. The cheating blows up a person’s life past present and future. Theres no way around it. I know so many say it’s a new chapter and I got out. Things should get better etc. But you know I feel like he took something from me. Innocence. Hope. Optimism. Trust. I’ve certainly pulled myself together financially and quite comfortable now. Kids and I moved to a great city and bought a home. And got another graduate degree to now work in field I enjoy. But I haven’t met anybody since divorce. My circumstances make it challenging and I guess I don’t have a lot energy or confidence to invest in that search at this stage of life. I wanted to have a companion as I git older to travel and enjoy different experiences. Seems unlikely to happen and I feel a lot if that can be attributed to what he did. I think I will always be skeptical if peoples I intentions and commitment if I even found someone to have a relationship with.
This is a great idea, to copy photos and label with captions. Thanks for the suggestion!
Velvet–
Potent description. Sort of like those futuristic bombs that kill everything that breathes in an entire city but leave structures and flora untouched?
Right!! Why is that? I was the victim but he had people blaming me, even though he cheated on me twice and I stayed with him after the first time!!!! I burnt all of the wedding pictures, except a handful and put them in his box of stuff that he had to pick up from my home. What he did with them I have no idea. I love your idea!!
What also makes no sense is why the CHEATERS are so angry with the CHUMPS when the cheaters are the ones who LEFT US?!?!
It seriously makes no sense at all.
My XH and I had gone through all the hard stages of drafting up and signing the agreement of who got what, etc and going our separate ways. When it was finally time to file for divorce (after the separation time was complete) he was crazy angry with me?
It took everything I had not to be like, “Bro, you good? You wanted this remember?”
I did secretly love it though because I was cool as a cucumber and he was seething lol
On dday, I smashed the photo of him and me that had always hung in the bedroom, stomped on it, then threw it in the bin.
I slung *all* the photos of us, including the wedding albums, into a black bin bag and threw it into the garden shed, which included a whole lot of his crap from his army boxing days.
He was told by my solicitor to come and clear out the shed or I would have the lot removed by a house clearance firm.
Fucktard duly did so, and took the bin bag as well, not sure why, maybe he didn’t know what was in it? ????????
I have idea what he did with it, NC is a wonderful thing.
I sold everything he had ever given me that had any monetary value, (not a lot) ???? and put it in my solicitor’s fund. Anything else I either gave to charity shops, or binned.
So now I sit in my dear little new home, surrounded by things *I* have chosen, and there is absolutely *nothing* in my home that is associated with that evil piece of shit. It’s wonderful! ????????
Chumpnomore6, well done. That is my goal as well. The only thing I want left of him are the jokes that the kids and I make at his expense!
????❤️
When my divorce was final, I had to give him the “family” car. Before it left my house, I filled it with trash from his garage. I filled it to the brim with his oiled towels, tools and the crap I no longer needed or wanted. It was his way of helping me pack up and sell our home. He could take his crap with him, whether he wanted to or not. This was the only form of revenge I took.
On the front seat I set our wedding album and a family photo album his mother made. It was my symbolic goodbye and felt really good. I have no idea what he did with it.
A few years later (8?) I went through all the photo albums and any photo of him, I gave to my son and told him to do with them what he wanted. All the others I kept. I was the photographer. He wasn’t interested in maintaining any of our history but I was going to maintain it for our children. They are now digitized and on hard drives.
I had a lot of pictures on my current smartphone. I deleted a bunch of the ones my x was on about a month after a separation. Then I had to stop. I resumed about a week ago and deleted the rest. Even the pictures where she’s pregnant. Those were the hardest to delete. There must be a hard drive with older pictures somewhere in the house. I doubt I’ll ever open it again.
I know what you mean about some photos being harder to get rid of.
For me it wasn’t photos but his old voicemails. I had them saved from even when we were first dating, yup I kept them all.
They were painful to delete, I can’t even describe how much I cried.
I went through photos and set aside duplicates of the kids and anything with HIS family. Then I gave those to him. I was quite nice to the fucking fucker. And the rest I will keep for my kids. Because even though I want to puke when I see the fuckers face, it is my kids history and roots. So I swallow the vomit back down and grin and bear it.
No worries on my part. He left with all the photos including the wedding album. He only returned the poorer quality photos. Never saw any wedding photos returned…pictures of my deceased grandparents and my late father gone.
Apparently the two decades of marriage was only his life with the kids. His wife was just the nanny and housekeeper. I’m not in most of the photos because I took them. And I went through a lot of the pictures he returned. Can’t find any of the pics of my kids as toddlers (and I took tons).
Luckily my parents and my SIL took photos and saved lots for me.
Makes me feel like a ghost in my own life.
Wasjustanotherchump–
If you’re in the US, “Stolen History” is apparently an actionable offense. A friend who’s an attorney is suing a hostile family member to force the sharing of old family photos.
I am sorry your EX took the irreplaceable photos of your extended family.
I have the same problem in regard to photos of myself with the kids when they were young. They all feature the kids with the EX because I took them. I do not think he ever said, “Now, let’s take one with you in it.” Fortunately, my mom took at least one or two a year of me with the kids.
I destroyed nearly every one in phases over the last 4 years- mostly via shredder- satisfying. There is now only one I keep because I love the photo- all 7 of us on vacation on horseback. It was our Christmas card one year.
I figured my kids were old enough to have their own photos- all have phones and they had some special photos in their rooms. My albums are for me and eventually when I am gone they will get them as what was important to me and fuckwit is no longer.
My son who has no contact with fuckwit still has a collage photo up in his room of him and fuckwit on a hunting trip when he was 11. I guess that reminds him of the good old days.
My divorce was 18 years ago. I kept all of our wedding photos, but cut his face out of all of them. I looked too good in those pictures when I was that young to get rid of them completely!
???????????????? I did the same thin because I felt the same way. I also made collages and covered him up completely!
I left him something. My STBX has a real issue with photographs (being in them, looking at them… yeah he has issues). After he left and I throw all of his clothes in a box, I slipped a photo of us at our wedding in his robe pocket. I like to think that sometime around the lonely winter months he will reach for his robe and find his sweet chumpy ex-wife smiling at him and that it might cause some sort of collateral damage after the fact. But then again probably not.
Im definately saving my months of journals, filled with gut wrenching emotional pain, and the texts he sent me after he left on d-day (all about HIM and what he was going thru) as a reminder to me the day he comes around and wants to be ‘friends’
The division of photos ended up being a point of contention during our divorce proceedings.
Early on I’d raised it as a problem. “What do we do with all the albums?” Initially he’d said we could simply take some pictures of photos with our phones because “who looks at them anyway.”
But then he *demanded* original photos. He’d said he wanted to choose 50 pictures. I think he was trying to show the judge/mediator that he really cares SO MUCH about this family.
I can safely say that during our 35 years of marriage, he rarely took photos. Even our honeymoon album is filled with pictures of him, not me. I would joke to my kids, “Here are pictures of Dad on his honeymoon.”
I ended up taking all the photo albums because dividing them seemed too difficult (time consuming and emotionally triggering) during a rushed move and, as my daughter put it, “He doesn’t deserve them.”
I told the lawyers that once I was settled in my new place, I would gather photos for him, which is what I did.
Honestly, I was able to use it as a bit of leverage to get him to agree to other things during the divorce proceedings.
Chosing photos to give him was tough. I did it quickly until I had a full medium-sized flat-rate USPS box. (It felt good to give USPS some business). I didn’t go through all the albums. I set aside an hour and just did it.
To be honest, I left out a few photos that showed him having a good time with the kids because he emotionally abused them, and I knew that photos of them smiling would support his narrative that he was *a great dad*.
But, in the end, just as I was about to seal the damn box, I tossed in a few of those “look-at me-I’m-a-great-dad” ones.
Chumps gotta chump.
“Here are pictures of your Dad on his honeymoon” LOL!!!!!!!!! That’s a good one, just goes to show he was selfish from the beginning, ugh.
My XH and me didn’t have children, so I threw out all the physical photos and now I only have one file on my computer with everything in it.
When I cleaned our shared computer, I only left him a few (maybe 10) of our wedding photos on it for him since he was keeping the shared computer. Those are the only photos he will ever have because I don’t think he deserves any of the other ones.
Doubt I’ll ever look at that file folder on my computer. Maybe if I get married again someday, I’ll delete the file. For now it will just sit there, I don’t really care what happens to it at this point
I left behind zero photos of myself or the kids. I even cleared out any digital ones on his phone and the computer. He didn’t want us. He doesn’t get to keep using us after he threw us away.
I put one framed photo of my son and his dad in his bedroom room. My son promptly threw it away. I kept one wedding photo of us for each child and photos of the kids and him for the kids. I I packed those in a box that the step daughter I am no longer allowed to see and my son can decide what to do with once they are grown. Anything else linking us photos, gifts, all of it (other than my divorce papers) I trashed.
The night of DDay I got out the shredder and systematically shedded every single photo with him in it. It helped my tremendous anger subside as I watched his face being shredded one by one. He had destroyed 40 years of memories and I wanted to destroy them now too! 3 and 1/2 years later I’m 75 happy with my new home and freedom and he’s dead!! Karma my friends Karma!
Wow, good for you! Sometimes I feel like am the only over 65 chump out here. To be left for someone half my age and to start my life over at 65….I wonder sometimes if I can keep going. I’m sorry that you’ve had this horrible experience but thanks for sharing. I appreciate your strength and clarity.
Senior Chump, you’re not the only one.
Dday was 3 years ago, when I was 64. This year I’ll be 67.
You *can* keep going hun.
((hugs)) ????❤️
Same here Senior Chump: D Day 3.5 years ago – Divorce 3 years ago and I will be 68 next month. My ex always controlled all photo ops on vacations, gatherings, etc.(him never smiling) and then spent days getting them framed a certain way for “display” in our home. After our divorce I took the photo that he arranged to be taken in front of the Taj Mahal in India and had my 2nd wedding photo placed in it with all my and my now wonderful husbands family in it with us – all of us smiling and cheering together! Shredding the Taj Mahal photo and many others with him in it helped me heal.
When my ex wife left she left 24 years of photos and 8mm camcorder tapes, a ton of tapes documenting her pregnancy and then the kids sports, vacations, holidays etc…her grandparents that have since passed on yada yada she didn’t take one and never asked about them…which I found insanely weird. I haven’t looked at any of the tapes but I have them in case the kids want them. I’m actually thinking of getting them onto DVDs since I’m not sure the kids (adults now) know how to get hook up the camcorder to the TV haha! I used to enjoy watching them and my sons sports events and daughters dance recitals etc, it’s been 6 years since I’ve even taken one off the shelf
My ex took a large framed photo of us with his family and our mutual friend who helped him move out reported back to me that he was so paralyzed as to what to do with it that friend had to tell him to put it away for the time being and deal with it later. Of course I also heard that friend had to tell him where to put his furniture and the real estate agent had to end up picking his apartment for him (!) and telling him he was going to live there for six months and then he could move if he wanted, because he literally acted paralyzed about it.
So maybe they just cut and run on the pictures and belongings bc they can’t deal with the decisions that we’re forced into. That they forced us into. I imagine there would be a shit ton of guilt associated with sitting there and looking at your spouse smiling from pictures knowing how you destroyed them. Cheaters aren’t good at owning their shit or doing any actual emotional labor.
I saved all the wedding photos etc for my kids. I dont care what they do with them . Other photos I edited him out or trashed. Luckily he isnt in a lot of photos because he was usually not around. Cheating takes time!!! Cheaters are all the same. He left behind all the pictures, keepsakes the kids made for him. It just didnt rank up high on his list of things to take. But he sure took his Jordan sneaker collection!! #priorities
Same here. He just wasn’t around all that much. Every once in awhile there’s a photo of him and son, hardly any with me in them after the wedding. It’s mostly pics of son that I took while we were out having fun or him at school or doing activities. Narkles the Clown was elsewhere, looking back, who knows where? I sure didn’t. Pics of me and Narkles the Clown are mostly destroyed. What’s the point. I kept some of our travels so son can see we were happy once upon a time when I was on the pedestalbefore the devalue. I kept the family portrait up for six months so son wouldn’t have too much change. Now there is no sign of him here. As for the other stuff he left behind. I took anything breakable (kitschy bible saying on glass cube, glass Christmas ornament, framed drawing of John Wayne-yes, really) to an outdoor shooting range and blasted it. I admit I enjoyed it.
I deleted all photos on my social media and phone except one. I kept a photo of us smiling and laughing at a blues night concert. I keep it because he was absolutely miserable that entire night. I could tell he didnt want to be there with me. I knew he was always at the bar with this girl from work when I worked nights. We were with friends and he made everything so awkward with his mood. When the camera turned on us, I pick me danced and tried to get him to have fun. He laughed to get a good photo. We were not having the good time it looks like. I keep that as a reminder that the photo is a lie and our entire relationship was a lie.
The ones on FB were deleted. There are a few I printed out just before he walked out and which I had planned to put up in our new house, the day I find those they’ll be burnt too. The best part about him leaving me with newborn was that all of my memories with my son are untainted. I did my baby shower alone, gave birth alone, all that so there’s no imprint of him in my life as a single parent. This post made me realize this as a blessing!
Queen, you’re so fortunate not to have your memories of your son tainted. Wish memories of my son were untainted with ex’s presence.
Speaking of body language being telling, from the day our son was born any photos of ex with our son, ex is posing for the camera, as if he’s the focus of the photo. There’s not one photo of ex looking at our newborn. As our son got older, ex continued to make himself the center of attention in photos of the two of them. Ex has an unnatural fake wide smile that he uses in photos. Think Johnny Bravo. I also took the majority of the family photos so there aren’t many of me.
The few that Satan did take of me were taken on purpose to be unflattering, photos of my thighs, sitting on a hotel chair, so they look wide, at the end of a long hot day, my behind as I’m on the escalator, or my mouth wide open as I’m eating, scratching the side of my nose then telling people I’m picking my nose. Another telling photo story I just thought of is on our honeymoon ex had the video camera, I hadn’t really paid much attention to what he was taking video of, I assumed it was of the resort. When we got home and settled in to watch our honeymoon videos, a majority of the video was of females behinds, on the beach, restaurants, walking.. newly wed Chumps first step into Chump blabber, “he was just joking.”
Wow, brit, he really sucks. Good riddance to Satan, and I’m sorry that you have those memories attached to your honeymoon and your life as a newlwed.
So strong!
Congratulations Queen ????❤️
Queen, you are mighty!
I was always the one to archive pictures from our phones and cameras etc. onto the computer and external HD. I have over a decade’s worth, from even before our children were born (Eldest is now 7). I recall dutifully completing a backup of files and pictures in early January 2018, a couple of weeks before I told XW that I wanted a divorce.
I have many thousands of pictures on my PC now, and I have consolidated them as much as possible (gotten rid of duplicates, sequence shots etc). I have been getting rid of most pictures of XW in bursts when I can, and only keeping a few of e.g. her alone, her with me, or her with our children, basically for their sake as they grow up. I usually took the pictures and was in them much less, so I have kept the ones of me I like – especially with my two children – for posterity.
XW had a habit of taking selfies almost every day and body shots, so many of the pics archived over the network were of that. She sometimes sent them to me, but not always, and around the time of DDay in Fall 2016 (both before and after), I received them as an afterthought, once she had sent them to the AP first (I have timestamps).
I have kept all the evidence I gathered on her antics: phone bills, message screenshots, pictures she sent (the filename corresponds to timestamps on the phone bill etc.), not because I am bitter, but because I want the truth to remain in case my children ever ask for more details on what happened.
It’s defintely a work in progress.
I did the same — message screenshots, pics, etc. everything’s in a cloud-based folder as a complete record of what happened. At the time it was therapeutic for me to develop as full a picture as I could of what ACTUALLY happened, how the pieces all started coming together, how I reacted at each point, etc. I haven’t looked at any of it in ages, but it’s comforting to know it’s there in case the day ever comes when it’s needed or wanted — by my daughters, or whoever.
Same here. It’s there in case son asks. He may never and that’s fine but since his dad paints me as the one who left (because I filed) as well as mentally unstable (because who would leave him) as well as a drug abuser, alcohol abuser, or whatever nonsense he comes up with at the moment, cause of that I’d like to think there will someday be a reckoning of truth.
AllOutofKibble, sounds almost identical to ex’s description of me. Add pathological liar, or anything negative, it doesn’t matter what it is.
Nobody’s mentioned videos yet (meaning pre-cellphone camcorder vids) . . .
Like photos, they are such an important documentation of our daughters’ lives — to this day they look at them constantly — that I could never dream of ditching them even if KK is omnipresent in each one.
When KK left she of course took the high-end professionally transferred CD versions for herself, without any discussion, leaving me the original micro-cassette originals (which I can no longer play) and the self-transferred low quality CDs. I never expected anything different, and I didn’t raise any sort of stink about it — I can have them transferred again at cost.
But it just goes to show the mindset of a cheater walking out the door: “I’m taking the best of what we have accumulated together, and leaving the rest for you.”
Bingo. My X Asshat took the best framed pictures of our daughters when he abandoned me, feeling so entitled to the best and leaving me the rest. They were completely my doing- I took the pictures originally, selected and sized, and framed them. He decided they were his and packed them up when I was away on a business trip along with the rest of his crap.
Fortunately our adult daughters saw what he did and immediately told him hell-to-the-no they are not his and that he had to return them. He did. I said I would scan copies for him but after finding out about the OW, half his age, I decided I was done wifing for that colossal fucknut. He never asked about them again after returning them.
Most interesting is that my daughters and I can’t help but notice that he only took pictures of the girls from their toddler days, pre-school age. Not a single picture from elementary, teenage, or senior pictures, all similarly framed and easily absconded with if he wanted them. Clearly he did not. It summed up exactly the long discard we all felt during their lives and we realized he checked out of being a father when the girls stopped being his adoring kibble dispensers and started to develop their own distinct personalities. By the time they were about 8YO he found them defective and lacking and he was done with them, preferring to chase much younger ho-workers for kibbles.
His daughters are NC with him and he will not know his grandchildren. But at least he is happy.
I have the photos stored away. So many life events that are important to me (birth of my children, preschool plays, wedding events with MY family and on) have him in the pic too. Won’t throw them out – but at same time, I don’t enjoy looking at them. It’s a painful reminder of his duplicity.
I’m saving it for the kids if they ever want them down the road.
I took every photo with him not in it. I left the family photos on the wall and all the wedding photos with him. It made me smile a bit leaving him the wedding photos because I was the only one who participated in the actual wedding.
We had two wedding albums. I think one was one we’d made for his mom, who returned it to us. Haha. “The tit is dry in that woman,” as the therapist put it.
Anyway, I left that album for him and noticed he threw it in the trash in our office on the day he came to pack stuff. But then I noticed he put it in his “to keep” pile.
The man is/was all over the place emotionally.
I kept the wedding album. I don’t know. I think it’s the historian in me.
I’ll probably never look at it.
Tangentially related question: What have people done with their wedding rings?
Traded it for our kitchen table.
He demanded the ring back at mediation. Not in Texas, sucker! The ring was not very valuable and I really needed our table.
Sold them back to him claiming they had doubled in value and the pawn dealers wouldn’t recognize that. Told him to keep for our daughter and told her he would.
A week before D-day I had flung them across the kitchen table when he tried to get ultimate control over me by threatening to leave me and live by himself rather than being faced with my ‘demands’.
My reply: I refuse to live with someone who doesn’t even want to try anymore. And I have no doubt when you move into your small furnished apartment there will suddenly be a girlfriend in the closet.
Set up camp in the basement. An hour later he was down there begging me to put the rings back on and come to the bedroom. I did the next day but also started my investigation.
Re photos, I spent hours going through all and removed each one that had me or a family member in them. Returned the rest to him. He has wedding pics but only of himself. Yeah dude,that’s your future.
While doing so I realized that he had meticulously catalogued all his exes from the age of 16yo and fwb in boxes and divided by holidays or other events. I shared a box with his former ex. The printouts were all dated from our marriage. Apart from the fact that I had the most boxes there was no difference (GermanChump Italy 2004, GermanChump graduation 2006 etc). What a proof of shallowness. I took all pics and stashed them away. I refuse to be part of his collection.
Informed his best friend about how much time the man obviously did have. Claiming to be overworked constantly but double life and curator of a huge jar of hearts collection.
I still wear my wedding band, I just wear it on my right hand now. It and my engagement ring are the only real diamonds I have so I don’t want to get rid of them.
My engagement ring is beautiful and it represents a lot to me, so I’ll never get rid of it although I’ll never wear that one again probably.
Maybe my niece will want it someday, not sure. Either way, I won’t just get rid of them. His rings might be tainted cuz he broke his promise but I see my rings still shining bright and holding true to the promises I kept throughout the marriage. My rings are so as beautiful as ever.
Maybe I’m alone in this thinking?
It’s yours to do with what you wish- your story.
I also like to think there was some meaning, love and good intention when rings were exchanged- even if fuckwit wasn’t capable of seeing it through – for more than a minute in my case!
Sold mine and put the money in my solicitor fund. ????
Good for you!
Just before the pandemic, I brought my rings in for appraisal. The jeweler offered so little that I didn’t bite. I have three relatively small diamonds (one larger than the two others that flank it). Now I’m considering converting the smaller diamonds into earrings for myself. I can make a necklace out of the larger one. I think if they are repurposed, I can feel mighty and not associate them with him.
I’ll sell the remaining gold for cash!
Alternatively, I might do what you did. That sounds satisying. The pandemic has put a break on all these decisions.
Took it off on Christmas days after reading his facebook messages to his schmoopie and left it at my friend’s house.
She wanted to battle over these.
I got her kicked out of the house because of a violent out outburst, so I had control. As the divorce wound down, she said she would sort through them and take what she wanted. No way was I going to hand them over to her cheating, lying self. I gave her 1/3 at a time, after I had removed a few with me and sons. She took some, returned the box and I gave her another. This worked out OK, although she hated it. Mine are pretty much all digitized now.
Timely post for me. I want to move out of state soon, and I have a huge box of photos I need to weed through. I sold my share of the house to the ex and moved out, taking with me at the time only the baby book that I’d curated. After I left he digitized all the photos, and gave me a big box full of the originals (no offer to share the digital versions–of course he’d been promising to digitize them for years when we were together but had never done it). Our son, aged 30, says he doesn’t care about photos, but I think later in life he’ll change his mind. However, he’s not in a position to store the box (nor does he want it) and I’m not willing to take it with me. I know there are photos of my son in that box that I want to keep, but I also know how upsetting going through them is going to be.
Any suggestions on how to make this less painful gratefully received.
Since you wanted them in digital format anyway, why not buy a decent scanner and hire a teen neighbor or ask a family member to scan them for you? Much easier to keep and then you don’t have to see any images until you are ready. I am sure there might also be someone doing this online as well, that is bound to get pricy. A good scanner off of Amazon would solve your problem.
That he won’t share the digitized photos is ridiculous. There’s no end to the assholery of these entitled jerks.
There’s a saying I’ve been holding onto as a chump: Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.
I’d try to focus on accepting the pain (because of course it will hurt) and lessening the suffering instead. Like having a trusted loved one with me as i sort through the photos. Picking a time to do it when my emotions are manageable. Giving myself permission to start and stop anytime, and practicing lots of self compassion.
You may be surprised Adelante, as i was, to find you feel nothing much finally seeing the photos. They were, in the end, no more hurtful than my own memories.
I hope you’ll find the photos of your son!
You might be right that I am anticipating pain worse than I’ll actually feel. When I see the photos of him standing next to me while I’m giving birth I have a strange feeling that the person is a stranger. Which I guess is appropriate.
I think maybe going into it with a “keep/toss” mindset, not lingering, and seeing how I’m reacting before I decide to do it all in one fell swoop or in stages might be wise, too.
Some things have stayed, some things I let go of, some things we split.
Of course, destiny would have it so that on the day of what would have been out 1st year wedding anniversary, we were sorting out stuff in a double move, me back into our old house, him out of it and into his new, bigger one.
I still have the rose from our engagement night.
It’s 3 years later, it’s fine.
I’m probably not a good example of mighty there, but I needed to be back with my memories, for an indefinite time. That’s how I grieve, it takes me very long, but it’s the right thing for me.
I still sleep in one of his shirts, can’t not do it. If I meet someone else someday I’ll have to retire the shirt. Till then I sleep in it.
Maybe it’s not good for me, but I fond comfort in it. It’s all I have left of the guy who never really even existed, If that even makes sense. Which it doesn’t.
Quetzal, you do what you have to do! Give yourself as much time as you need. Everyone is different.
I hope going back eventually helps you move forward. I get it.
I thought I might throw my wedding album but never got round to it. Most of the other albums are mine anyway from before I met him as I was an inveterate traveller. I was talking to my nephew about it not so long ago and told him I would keep my wedding album because in it is the only photo I have of my ENTIRE family. And he said “not true, dad (my brother), had buggered off to listen to the cricket in the car when that photo was taken so he’s missing”! So I guess it’s not worth getting sentimental about it. I’ve just kept everything because my kids can take what they want later. And oddly enough, every time my kids come to the house they get the photo albums out – not looking at their dad, mainly just their own photos!
I sorted through 100s & gave him all the ones of his family taking out any I was in & threw them out. What a chump I was as he didn’t ask for them, just thought he’d want them. Urr
Day after dday I put our large framed wedding photo in the trash. I saw him walk by & look at it. I asked he what he thought about it & all he said was, “not good.” What a fucker.
I put all of my old albums and wedding photos in the back of the tallest shelf in a very tall closet. I have no desire to look at them, but also felt the kids might want the albums one day. Mostly they were made with a company online that still has the digital album — I always mean to go back and reprint them just with pics of AH removed!
I used to have a box in the basement marked “Special Wedding Stuff.” It held extra invites and printed menus, ribbons, party favors, a swatch of bridemaid dress fabric — just random little bits from our wedding. When AH moved out, the box disappeared. To this day, four years later, I have NO IDEA why he would cheat on me with his intern, leave me to pursue twu wuv, then steal the wedding stuff box??? Like is it sitting in THEIR basement now?
What these cheaters do is hard to fathom.
I’ll take a stab at it:
*he still wants his old life (cake!), and the album gives him some tangible evidence of that.
*he’s cruel and wants to deprive you of something he assumed you would want
*he wants to copy what you did for his next wedding (sick reasoning). I bet you have good taste.
you forgot one other reason: triangulate with the new supply!
Ah, yes! Triangulation!
You guys are great! Thank you. I mostly can leave this stuff behind after four years, but that “wedding stuff” box really still gets me. Did I mention he married the affair partner visibly pregnant on my birthday within months of our divorce? Classy. Perhaps they recycled my spare party favours? 😉
Narcs love to ruin birthdays & holidays, 364 other days weren’t available for their wedding?! Just more triangulation!
That is incredibly low, Maisy. Glad you’re rid of that jerk. And I wonder if affair partner/now wife will think of you every year on her wedding anniversary?
I will save any pictures of cheater for my kids. Cheater left pictures of the last time he saw his mom alive in the hospital. He also left a picture of me that he had in his wallet. Trying to erase history much? He takes pictures of himself with kids, as he said they are his life. Fake disney dad. Im the one that raised the kids and im there for them. Any cards I find from him I will shred.
I cut him out of the photos I wanted to keep. The one photo I couldn’t cut him out of I pasted a picture of the dog over his face. The dog was a lot more loyal and loving.
I have photos and other things boxed up somewhere, along with what I call my special “box of lies” containing all the cards, etc. he gave me over the years. I tried to go through them when I first moved out (2 years ago, DD 3 years ago), but it was too painful.
A few months ago, he dropped off a bag full of photos and other stuff (drawing the kids made, etc). Told me to go through it and keep what I wanted and then feel free to “throw the rest out.” His dismissive “trashing” of our life together triggered me.
I took that bag & put it away to deal with at some point. As I did, a photo fell out. It was of me and the kids when they were young, while we all on vacation on a tropical island. The kids and I look so happy, loving, and beautiful. And I thought, if *THIS* wasn’t good enough for him, nothing ever will be.
I took that photo and framed it. I looked at this morning, and despite all the pain and trauma, I know it was not about me. I freely gave my heart and my love to try and build a life and family with him. He is a toxic, dysfunctional man who doesn’t even know what he had, or what he threw away.
I took down the wedding portrait and the painting a friend did of us. I handed him his pre-marital photos (baby pics, etc.) that was on display when he was moving out. I still have annual holiday photos with his family sitting out and the photo books that he put together since they are really photos of the kids. He is in them because he is their dad but they aren’t about him so I could care less. All of them will end up with the kids.
My favorite photos are pictures of the kids that I took on holidays or vacations he didn’t participate in and my favorite photo from our wedding is actually me and our son (yeah, did it backwards). It does reinforce that he wasn’t interested in being with me and the kids but he always showed up, smiling big, in group photos with HIS family. Now that I think about it I don’t think I have any casual photos of him with my family at all.
I took all the family photos. I left all of his “atta boys”, Army commendations, service photos and Football Photos. He has yet to ask for any of the family photos. He won’t because it truly was all about him.
I tried recently to sort those photos and had a melt down like a toddler needing a nap. Once I was through crying, screaming and kicking my feet, those photos were boxed up and put at the very back of the closet. My sons can deal with those when I’m dead.
I already burned all fourteen cards and letters from our thirty six years together. My homemade wedding dress I’d thrown in the trash decades ago. I threw the dress out when I discovered he was cheating in the first months of our marriage. I should have thrown him out.
I took the chance to do a ‘ritual’, as a way to manage emotions. Rituals can be constructive or destructive, naturally i chose the latter.
I methodically removed about 30 photos of us out of their beautiful frames, carefully tore them all in half exactly where my image was in the photo, left the pile of torn photos in our ex-home for him to find, and kept all the frames for future use.
Why waste the frames, I’m sure my future partner and I will look great in them 🙂
And yes, the ritual was helpful. Meditative even. I didn’t do all that in anger, just focused determination. I buried more of us with every rip, i grieved us with every tear.
The wedding photos from 1992 are waiting to get burned in my backyard fire pit. We originally put together the fire pit by digging a pit (I know. Duh), filling it w/sand and surrounding it w/concrete cinder blocks to make my younger daughter happy at that point (w/some help from younger daughter). We were trying to make her happy due to us having to downsize from a beautiful, modern colonial to a 1932 fixer-upper on a busy main street in our New England town (i.e., w/lots of attendant background noise), all due to my continuing inability to find another high paying job, whether or not it was in my profession.
Background: After over 20 years of dealing w/shitty work environments as a pharmacist, my mind & spirit couldn’t take it anymore (never mind as a deep introvert, retail pharmacy was not a good place for me to work personality-wise). In addition, the entire landscape of the job market in pharmacy had completely changed by this point, and new jobs were no longer easy to find (I had found out the hard way at this point that money doesn’t make you happy, but a lack of it could sure make you unhappy).
I was burned out, and I had gone into a deep depression, as I couldn’t figure out what to do next to preserve our lifestyle and home for our family. After almost three years of struggling financially, we eventually downsized into the said fixer-upper in the same town, because the XW was a local politician (and still is, in a higher position no less), and didn’t want to lose her place in the local political scene.
So, we took the only house we could afford and that I could agree to stomach at that point. Satisfying the XW’s desire to preserve her local politician position severely limited our ability to choose a worthwhile house to downsize into at that point. But hey, when you love someone, and you feel very responsible for the situation you’re all in, you bite the bullet and try to make them happy. Not to mention, the kids didn’t have to deal w/new schools, which I knew was an undeniable benefit. I had found work at jobs that paid me less than a quarter of what I had been paid previously in pharmacy, but I was at least contributing to supporting the family.
I don’t claim to have been happy about where we ended up, and where I’m now living and in sole possession of (yeah, I was the one who made 3-4 times what the XW made for at least 15 years of our relationship, and accumulated enough retirement money to buy her out when she exit-affaired me for her richer, older boss, in order to give me and my son some stability). I struggled to accept that this was our new reality, mainly because of me.
What I didn’t do was hide that I was unhappy w/our situation (to the contrary, it took me a good year to really start accepting this ugly situation. Not proud of that, at all), or decide to have an affair to make myself feel better and abandon our love, relationship and family like the FW XW.
So now as of yesterday, all three of our kids (not just our one minor, 14 yo son) are on vacation in Maine for 5 plus days, all of them together w/their FW mother and her POS affair partner. This is the first time in over three years that they have all gone together on a vacation (Ugh). I was good; I told my kids I didn’t want to know any specifics of where they were going, and I told my son to only call me if he wanted to (when he’s w/his mother during our 50/50 custody split, we usually communicate every night by phone).
Anyway, I’m thinking I should try to use the fire pit to burn the wedding photos while they’re all away. Seems like a good time. Soft divorce was granted in 12/18, absolute divorce in 03/19. D-day was 4/17.
I should mention that last summer, while my son was away on vacation w/his FW mother and the POS former boss AP, I DID burn the wedding dress the XW had been saving all these years (I think she thought to offer it to our daughters, assuming they got married, were interested in it and it fit?), but that she callously left behind when she exit-affaired me and moved in w/her boss (he still was her boss at that time. She lost her job soon after that. But it’s ok, because they had PLANNED for that. Puke!). She’d left that behind along w/me, and a majority of shit we’d gathered together in over 24+ years.
In the early daze (pun intended) of the pick-me dance, one of the few moments I had of lucidity prompted me to find her engagement and wedding rings (that she’d also left behind, and rarely wore, but would eventually want) and keep them, since she couldn’t respect me enough to leave our relationship as an adult, and chose to blow apart our love, vows and family. When she found out I’d kept them, she was pissed (too fucking bad), as she thought she might offer them to our daughters (bizarre, I thought). Turns out neither of our daughters wanted them when I asked. Who could blame them?
Okay, I’ve blown off some steam. Thank you CL and CN, for letting me vent (as usual). I hope you all are safe, healthy and happy, but I worry that many of you aren’t. Even so, please accept my best wishes and hopes for all of you. Stay strong, be mighty, and reach out if you need to vent or want advice. We’re here for you.
Thanks longrun for telling your story. She must be mentally ill to leave a guy like you behind. I wish you absolutely all the best.
chumpedchange,
Like eirene above, thanks for your kind words. About a week after D-day (the FW XW walked out not quite two weeks after it, as part of her plan w/the POS AP), when I was desperately trying to reconcile w/the FW XW, and we had an argument about our 24+ years of married life (which had not happened that often throughout the marriage, probably because I was willing to realize I loved her despite her imperfections, and chose not to argue about things I should have because of that love, and she came from the position of not being honest enough w/me to tell me what she resented of my many imperfections, which she never overlooked, it seems).
In the middle of this argument, she came out w/the statement where she said, “I think there’s something wrong w/me.” Ever the chump, and still in the beginning part of my shock at what she had done to me, our marriage, and our family, I bit my tongue and didn’t say “You’re right!!” Instead, still ridiculously hoping to reconcile and playing the pick-me dance, the best I could come up w/was to say, “I don’t know that there’s something wrong w/you, but you’re definitely different.”
Oh, how I wish now I hadn’t bitten my tongue. But that’s what we do best as chumps. We continue to care, even when they’ve run us through w/their evil actions. Ultimately, it’s her loss. For all my problems and stupidity, I truly loved her. I doubt she’ll ever get that. And that’s her problem. God forbid she should realize she was at least half the problem in our marriage. She wouldn’t listen to the marriage counselor about things like that shortly after D-day. I doubt she’s matured enough to accept that now.
So thanks again, chumpedchange. I wish you the very best as well. You also brightened my day, so that’s a good deed for you as well. I hope your ex someday realizes what they lost in you; a caring, loving person. But even if they don’t, you will thrive. I’m sure of it. Best wishes to you and your family, may you find peace (meh?), happiness, and Tuesday sooner than me. Take care, and accept the gratitude of this chump, please.
Hey, thelongrun, if it’s any consolation, their long weekend in Maine might not be as glorious as you think. I’m just over the border in NH, and we (and most of ME) are dealing with chilly rain today (think constant drizzle and 61 degrees). Tomorrow the miserable heat arrives, so it’s certainly not going to be the ideal time for a family vacation here.
I hope you are able to fill your time with something that beings you peace.
eirene,
For whatever reason, this didn’t show up as a response for me until now. It IS some consolation, so thank you. All I know is that they were supposed to spend roughly 5 hours of driving time from the Burlington, VT area to somewhere in Maine. But I really do appreciate you letting me know that it might not be a great trip weather-wise for the two adulterers. I don’t wish that for my kids, but I guess they’re stuck w/them in that situation and there’s nothing I can do for them, really. Sigh.
The rich, asshole AP (who in the spring had to resign his job as the head of a state college system) had a family home on a Maine island that he’d bought out from his family members. I thought I’d gathered he felt the need to sell it following his D-day/divorce (I only overheard things from the kids, unasked for, that made me think that), so it’s possible I’d gotten that wrong. But maybe not. I think it’s a longer trip than 5 hours. It shouldn’t matter to me, but when they’ve got my kids, unfortunately it does. Working on that.
My older daughter doesn’t get along w/the POS AP. Again, unasked for, but according to my son, her mother recently took her aside after she visited the two of them for her almost weekly laundry visit, and told her she wasn’t being nice enough to the asshole. And my daughter vtold me right before they left on this trip that her mother asked her to come, but now she was starting to regret saying yes to her. I’m working on getting to meh about things like this, too. But right now, it does warm my heart to hear that.
As for doing things to fill my time w/peace, I’ve been semi-successful w/that. I’ve got the two cats the XW left behind (but that she originally brought into our family w/out consulting anyone). Well, I love them anyway, and they love me for feeding them. I get lots of purrs and cuddling up on my lap. I’m working on finding a new job, as I chose to be unemployed after being furloughed, but have enough money to get by for a few months. I’ve got a book that claims I can reinvent myself for the job market, and I figure if I could reinvent my life after the FW XW left me for her “twu wuv,” I can do that too (lots of encouragement from all the great stories of CN). And I’m working on learning to write professionally. So, I’m trying!
eirene, I hope you’re doing well right now in NH. I have a lot of fondness for that state. I also hope that you’re further on your journey to meh than I am, and Tuesday as well. Wishing you and your family peace, happiness and good health. You brightened up my day, so you can count that as a good deed for the day. I’m very grateful to you. Sending good vibes to you and your family as well. Take care.
I will most likely keep the wedding photos. Believe it or not there isn’t many with just the two of us. My parents divorce was bitter but after they died I was glad neither of them destroyed them. As a child, it was nice to see them happy for once and youthful even though I know it was doomed from the start. My maternal grandparents didn’t smile so looking at them reminded me that they didn’t approve and maybe parents do know a little something.
I will keep our wedding photos since he couldn’t bother to be next to me at the reception, even during dinner. And how he couldn’t find our hotel room while I waited. FLAG flag flag
I like the reminders on the ones that are just us from VelvetHammer. But I need to go through these someday. Just not a priority
Does anyone remember having to beg to get just pictures of the two of you? And the fuckwit made it mostly about them in a shitty pose with sunglasses and a cigar? Or something like that?
THIS!!! Yes I remember that!
XH hated taking photos with just me and him. He would make faces in the photos to ruin them on purpose or he would make a face of pain as if taking a photo was killing him.
So many photos ruined because he couldn’t be bothered. Oh but if it were one of just him alone, he’d make sure to put on the charm and look great. Such a jerk.
I never understood either. I thought having a beautiful wife you’d want to show her off? Guess not.
Oddly enough, just after D-Day cheater complained about the box of old photos I have of my life before him that contain, among others, pix of various old boyfriends. The nice exes in any case.
To me those old photos are just images of my history and pretty neutral. But his hypocritical complaint reminded me of a really old Levi’s commercial where a guy’s girlfriend paints on and steals his jeans to use them for part of her art exhibition. When the guy attends the opening, he realizes the many, many pairs of painted jeans on display represent the men his gf has “had.” He’s just one in a long lineup.
As a teen I probably thought that was a fair play twist on the usual male “playah” trope. Now I’d probably find the ad queasy. But so would cheater.
I’m not sure what bothered him– that he’d just end up relegated to my past “specimen case” (not THAT many lol), meaning no more or less to me than the others had?
In other words, he may have been projecting a harem-keeping mentality onto me. I also wonder if he noticed that absent from those old bf pix were any images of the one past bf who was abusive.
Maybe cheater feared being in the condemned and deleted “abuser club” while the nice guy pix remained.
This one hurts. I’m still stuck when it comes to our “history.” It’s so painful to look at pictures from family vacations, major events, etc. and know that he was lying/deceiving/cheating on me the whole time. Both of my parents died when I was young, so having lots of family pictures was something really important when I had my kids. I didn’t want them to miss having pictures of their parents.
I don’t know what to do with the pictures. They are still so painful for me to look at.
He was compartmentalizing………..my heart goes out to you and all chumps.
I allowed myself to keep items that would fit in a copier box. Slapped a sticker on it with the word “Memories” and put it in storage.
30 years we were together. But hardly any pictures of us together or even just me. He didn’t take pictures of me, or us, he didn’t care. So a few days after he left, I went to the friends house where he was staying. He wasn’t home. The friend let me go into his room. I sat there a minute then I started looking through his things. I found he took one photo album. It was a kayaking album with mostly him in the pictures. He Didn’t grab any pictures of the kids or grands. Nothing of me of course. I immediately went back home and destroyed all wedding photos. I put other albums away and three years later, I went through and gave pics of he and the kids and grands to the kids and grands. That’s it.. 30 years gone like it never happened. And with him only taking pictures with him that were of him….. that tells everything you need to know.
I slowly toss out more and more. They are just about all gone now.
I find that over time, I don’t really care to relive most of those times. It’s almost like they happened to someone else now.
I packed up albums that were specifically his – there were a couple and gave them to him. My kids decided that the pictures belong to them – their childhoods, their pictures. He was pissed but I did not relent on the my young adult kids’ wishes, after all he had did enough of that to give them trust issues, I was not going to add to their angst by giving in to his demand for pictures. They are currently residing in my basement in plastic tubs waiting for the day the kids want to deal with them…..at this point I doubt that I will ever open the tubs – I get a physical response just thinking about them.
Many here express keeping the pictures for the kids if they want them later. I’m interested to hear from those of you further down the road, have your kids expressed wanting to see or have the pictures?
I tossed the wedding album in the skip with my wedding dress 4 days after d-day. I still have a cd of digital prints and am torn about chucking it now.
My parents split up and I kept my parent’s wedding album. I also want my own childhood photos. My kids, age 10 and 12, are at that stage when they really like looking at photographs of their family members when they were younger. They laugh at the hairstyles and clothes and cars. They can’t believe that their parents or grandparents were ever so young.
More recently, I have started showing the kids their pics of when they were babies and toddlers. They are really enjoying seeing their baby videos. Yes, there dad is there. And, I have taken the opportunity to mention to the kids that I was really happy during those times, but looking at the pictures can make me a bit sad. I’m not mopey when I do it. It’s more about my attempt to have my children understand and be aware of emotional journeys so they understand that relationships hurt when they end so they learn to have respect for relationships in the future. It’s also so they know that experiencing emotions is normal and human.
Pictures/videos provide an amazing opportunity to honour their past and discuss what our present means. When these items no longer hold relevance for the kids, which might happen when they get older, then they can get rid of it.
Yes, my son wanted them, he made some CDs. I mean it is his history too, so he made some stuff for himself and his kids.
He also made some for me, using pics of when I was young. Reminds me I wasn’t always old. 🙂 Where did the years go.
Those years were spent bringing up a kind, thoughtful and loving son. ????
I have two boys so I’m not sure they’ll be that interested in my old pictures. BUT I took all my mom’s photos and have got many of them in albums (not all though) as I LOVE them. That’s why I keep my stuff, just in case someone further down the line would like them!
This is such a great topic-because it’s something that doesn’t necessarily come to your mind while you are setting up your new life.
I moved out so I didn’t put any pics of my exhole in my new house. It was really strange for me to go back over to pick the kids up at his place and see that all of my pics were taken down. I wasn’t hurt-it just felt weird.
All of the photos of him on my phone and computer I deleted. If the kids were in it-I saved them.
He did a total asshole move tho-about a month after I moved out, he gave me a box of photos while I was at his house. They were all of the two of us.
I thanked him, took the box, dumped them in HIS trash can and drove off.
About a week later-he again have me a small stack of photos of just us-I should there, flipper through them, handed them back to him and said, “Yeah-I told you that if there were any photos of you and me-you could throw them away-I don’t want them.”
He never gave me anymore pics of us again ???? (it took a couple of times for him to understand-he’s a slow learner).
My asshole ex kept showing up with “things” I might want after he threw me and our son out of the house (once it was women’s clothes that were not even mine!!) I finally told him there was not once single thing left that I would ever want – including him – and he finally quit.
That is AWESOME!!
My ex will bring crap over when he feels like do a little cleaning in the 3 car garage that in 15+ years we were never able to park a car in because it was full of junk.
The last box I got was various booze that we had bought duty free on a cruise to the Caribbean….IN 1995.