Your Best Word Salad, Please
I created this site not just to offer an alternative to the Reconciliation Industrial Complex, but to lampoon the pomposity of cheaters. And there is nothing sillier, no deeper vein of humor, than someone trying to defend the indefensible.
That’s why bad actors have to torture their syntax, speak in high-falutin’ vagaries, smother their verbs, and otherwise mangle the English language.
Direct sentences would reveal actual intent. So bullshit artists resort to mindfuckery. You can’t understand it? I’m sorry, I think you lack sophistication.
Wednesday’s UBT was chock full of this sort of wackadoodle misdirection and faux erudition. Esther Perel has made an entire career of it. (“Quests for aliveness” doesn’t have quite the same ring to it as “paternity test your children.”)
So today’s Fun Friday Challenge is to share with CN the best word salad your cheater delivered. Extra points for run-on sentence fragments.
TGIF!
“Cheating wasn’t the plan, but it showed me things”.
It must have felt good it only took 5 minutes.
Interesting question: do cheaters ever competently make long term plans? The one I met seems like a super impulsive no foresight or long term planning AT ALL kind of guy. I expect he’ll have to work til he drops to support his wife & 2 kids (& their grand kids), the daughter with his baby mama (his third child, she’s college-aged now, yikes) plus his faux single self. That all didn’t have to be if he had just worked stuff out rather than cheated.
Palm to face, ugh
I just read this:
‘When a man marries his mistress he creates an immediate job vacancy. ‘ The French approach is that mistress and wife are two separate roles which cannot be combined: a ‘wifetress’ doesn’t work. It’s like a sofa bed, a washer-dryer or a spork.
I invited her on dates, motorcycle rides but I was never actually going to meet her. I was just bored.
You go to that apartment, work on yourself. I’ll come to see you every day. Maybe we’ll reconcile in 6 months. Maybe we’ll get remarried”. This was before we were even physically separated. SMDH
This is actually what many CHUMPS should do. Argue for that full year of separation plus plenty of child support while CheaterX makes do in a studio apartment. That gives the chump a year to get out from under the mindfuckery that has probably been going on even longer than the cheating.
UGH. This sounds too familiar.
“I can go live in an apartment and come help clean the house and see the kids on the weekends. We can reassess our relationship after some time to see where we stand.”
MEANWHILE, I’ll just continue to date and fuck my co-worker during the week, who had met you and your kids, and knew I was married. Oh, and you can’t have access to my phone. Can’t have any evidence showing up.
” . . . work on youself.” What a pompus, patronizing ass.
OMG! My XH said we’d probably end up together. Why do they think we can separate, divorce, go on with life and somehow we’re still going to get back together?!?! NO!
“We’ll probably end up together.” My XW’s exact words too as I sat there just gaping at her. For a little extra dressing on the word salad she added something like, “We need to travel different paths for awhile and I think we will eventually find our way back to each other.”
Translation: I’m not gonna stop having an affair.
I replied, “I gotta tell you, if you don’t stop, I will divorce you and I will go my own way.”
Angrily, she stood up and said, “Well, I’m gonna go my own way too then!” and stormed out. Huh? You can’t make this shit up.
Anyway, she didn’t stop, I divorced her, she’s still going her own way and we have not found our way back to each other.
@David2016, our ex-spouses must be related lol
As I was moving out of our home, he said “people divorce all the time and end up back together, i think we just need this space and we will probably end up together” that’s how it went down in his mind, delusional haha
He also told me I was his best-friend the night before I fully left him and always pushed the narrative that we were each others future?!?!
I refuse to find my way back to him, maybe they will find their way to each other and make one miserable life together lol
Seems to me the instant a spouse or committed partner has decided to start looking for schmoopies that they’ve unilaterally (& unfairly) made up their mind already.
Besides not getting cake buffets, perhaps cheaters are *really* upset when spouse/chumps, candidate schmoopies &/or actual affair partners see a cheater’s inferiority & dump them first. Of course very few cheaters can be honest with themselves first which is why karma usually makes the situations eventually turn ugly for them.
I have seen some stuff at the RIC sites where they explain the difference between female (cis hetero) married APs & single (cis hetero) schmoopies is that women cheat to get *emotional* needs met. Frankly it’s cheaper to do therapy & personal growth work for everyone (in terms of time, energy, money, chaos reduction etc) & the best way to do that is to carve out a way to do just that, not compartmentalize & cheat.
So interesting the EMOTINAL needs for cheating has come up. I have seen that in MANY articles and Inet searches. I also thought it was 90% BS.
My son, now almost 20, military, is dealing with the same issues I had with his mother.
The ME , ME, ME. He recently bought his 1st vehicle. Was adamant he wanted to do it on his own. So when it was all done he called both his parents and his GMA.
Mom was very hurt she was not called 1st. Refused to speak to him for 2 weeks. BLAH BLAH.
If it is not all about or all around her? She acts like a child.
Exactly, it’s that Princess ME attitude always. How awful that instead of just being happy for your son you have to turn around and make it about you!? She sounds awful.
@SNYS, I have read that too, that women cheat for emotional needs majority of the time. Those emotional needs are usually connected with a “Me” attitude, like they should be treated as princesses 24/7 and worshiped. That’s unattractive to most men, sure at first it’s nice but long term it’s unattractive. Glad David2016 got out of there!
Laughing out loud! Narc bitch! They are so re-narculust! Ha! Ha!
Mine says that after we’re divorced, “Things will be better than ever. We can get remarried and you can have the wedding you wanted.” Suuuure we can!
My ex said this too. Totally insane. Yes, lady, I’ll want to get back with you after years of cheating, pathological lying, being with your AP, taking my kids to meet him, using my money, blame shifting me, making me spend a lot of money trying to divorce you only to end up back with you.
Total delusion.
Yeah – so he can say “I offered to get remarried”
Because your cheater is SUCH a prize. Like you would want to be married to that again.
It’s because they don’t intend the AP for a long time. They are the epitome of “here for a good time, not a long time.” Meanwhile the idiot APs actually stake their whole future on these flaky twits.
Cheater Narc had his second affair, I kicked him out, he seemed blissfully happy to be w/Shmoops, they were IN LOVVE. A few months later he was back, suggesting we ‘try again’. I turned him down (the first of many times). Then he actually SAID to me ‘that (rel with Shmoops) wasn’t supposed to be a long term relationship’, and ‘now I have to go to Shmoopiville just to get some sex’.
Ah, twu lurv! Ain’t it grand?
I expect the cheater got dumped by the AP. Cheater may never say that, but it’s a pretty safe assumption that happened
OMFG you can’t make some of this shit up!
Plus they also consider the chumps to be their stable homemakers that they can use to the ends of the earth while assuming the chump will stay and do their bidding forever regardless of the abuse. We are merely cheaters’ safety blankets and housework machines. So they’ll keep us around. But their affair partners are shiny new genitals so those need to be swapped out for new ones every few months or so.
You’re 100% right.
So glad I finally left him after the 3rd affair. It really shouldn’t have taken me 3yrs, ugh.
Don’t beat up on former Alice too much. She is mighty and a survivor!
Awe thank you Spinach, you’re so sweet xo!
I never thought of that Phillygirl but you are so right. It was obvious too and I’m so blind I didn’t realize it. XH had no intention of staying with the women he cheated on me with, I don’t even think he’s with the last one. They just use people.
I don’t feel sorry for the OW though that get used. They shouldn’t be messing w/ married men. All the “but the OW was lied too” bullsh*t I don’t buy. If you’re dating someone and you’re not allowed at their place, don’t know their friends, can’t be friends on social media, have to have secret calls, etc then you know he’s married!
Alice,
I hope you will buy my story: I met a guy on the internet, we chatted for the good part of a year before meeting. We always got together at my place or in my town. I said “It’s weird I haven’t been to your house. Are you married or something?”
He said no. He didn’t mind the hour drive. I did not like driving, so I was happy he offered to come my way.
He never had to hide his phone calls. I am not active on social media. I googled his name and phone number and nothing unusual came up.
There was no reason for suspicion. After a year and a half he confesses out of the blue that he’s married.
I was having an affair but I did not know it. That is not BS. Nor is it my fault.
Looking back I realize I may have spackled a little. But definitely DID NOT see it coming. It hurt like a bitch and still does, whether you think it is BS or not.
You know, Alice, it goes both ways. How come that the spouses don’t know their partner is cheating/ a cheater when it’s blatantly obvious to others? How many times one has to be cheated on before one realises what’s going on? You yourself said that you left after third discovered affair. I understand first discovery but why wasn’t it clear to you after the second one that you’re married to a cheater? Why didn’t you leave then, rather than wait for yet another affair? Probably because he spun all kind of stories and gas lighted you. And you knew the guy for years, lived with him in the same house and he still tricked you. But other people are supposed to be cleverer.
Mt remark is a bit irrelevant because most OW and OM do know their partner is married.
@Persephone,
None of your assumptions about my x-husbands affairs are correct. You can’t assume each affair is similar or the circumstances in life are the same when each affair occurs. I don’t want to go into specifics because I don’t feel I need to justify my reasons for staying, leaving, not knowing what was going on, if they were emotional or psychical affairs, one-night stands, etc.
I will say this though, don’t make conclusions or assumptions as to what went on in other people’s marriages during infidelity.
Yes, I do believe people should do their vetting when dating. You can google someone’s cellphone number and see where they live, who they live with and all kinds of information. That’s fact, no need to even be clever when the information is at your fingertips through the web.
Also your remark is a bit hostile considering the assumptions you are making about my reasons for my decisions and what his actions towards me were when I found out about the 2nd affair. Again, all your assumptions are flat wrong. I think asking questions is healthy but making assumptions about other peoples experiences comes off as hostile.
One last thing, it’s not about OW or OM being clever when dating someone knew. If someone is hiding you from their world, that’s an obvious red flag but even if it’s still new and you’re still in the getting to know each other phase you only need to google a phone number to get information on them. It’s that easy these days. No cleverness required haha
The only way I could see it is if he was separated. Then, the lies might be more believable.
“If you’re dating someone and you’re not allowed at their place, don’t know their friends, can’t be friends on social media, have to have secret calls, etc then you know he’s married!”
When you’re first dating someone these restrictions may not be apparent.
I kept trying to invite a bachelor coworker to come over for dinner, parties, etc. We would sometimes have great long phone calls and he had lots of time for me when we were out of town. Finally I realized he was in a very secret affair with his married subordinate. SMH.
I_survived, yes that’s true in a newly dating relationship. However, if you know the guys or girls first & last name, plus phone number, a simple google search is all it takes. Literally, you can find where they live and who they are married too, etc. A lot of women don’t want to know the truth so they don’t do these things.
There’s a woman who runs a site called aste.io (I think, not sure about exactly what goes behind the dot) whose services there cost a bit more than the $10 for the data scraping services (they often have old wrong/out-dated data) you find first with Google.
A big problem with family courts is it’s hard to confirm someone went all the way through the legal process to get the divorce decree finalized if married or even see what the terms of a separation agreement are for someone claiming ‘separated’ status on a dating profile, on the phone, in emails/texts & then in person.
And even if separated & living in separate residences, some spouses work that RIC path (differing levels of effort there, the serial cheater is going to coast if possible while the chump does all heavy lifting, sigh), keep having sex/intimacy & persist in trying to do family as if D-Day (or heaven forbid multiple D-Days) didn’t really happen.
Or divorced spouses can & sometimes do remarry & that also might not make it into the records soon enough for people a cheater wants to hoodwink to find this vital bit of information out fast enough to not emotionally bond with a cheater.
Throw on top of all that how every state & jurisdiction handles the legal issues around divorce, asset splitting & custody differently & it’s a real mess to really know who is being truthful & who isn’t. Which is why good divorce & family attorneys are true treasures.
Still the woman who runs aste.io says conservative statistics are 1 out of 8 spouses are cheating.
That sounds bad, but I expect that number may be far too low because if like me you think emotional involvement should be monogamous too, then of course the cheating numbers are going to be higher. We live in a world where if a cheater doesn’t like what their partner is doing to them emotionally or psychologically, they get on their smart phones or tablets or computers, go play on porn sites, dating / affair sites, social media, & cause more chaos, they’re always seconds away from taking what should stay between spouses or committed partners & getting others who should not be allowed into that innermost circle of intimacy between 2 people all up in everyone’s business.
Let me get back on topic though.
The stuff I got told by Broken Toy after I found out he was & is a compulsive cheater is a whole lot of incredibly stupid & pain-causing shit I’m not going to post here because it could trigger spouses/chumps here who are still reeling about their D-Day(s) so I’m drawing a firm protective boundary right there.
I’m still not sure why Broken Toy let loose with a lot of his garbage thinking & contempt but I guess he figured I was ‘safe’ to complain to (& wow does he lack respect for women in general & children, not to mention impulse control!).
It was a matter of time before whatever was happening between myself & Broken Toy would have all imploded on me, so instead, I got really mad (Broken Toy was an excellent role model for raging) & let him have it all in one very volatile phone conversation which ended the relationship, destroyed any happy illusions (I find he was way more infatuated with me than I was with him because he is a broken toy, he doesn’t have any sense of self so he tries to steal that from others). Frankly detonating my anger at Broken Toy made it easier for me to laugh at him, the whole situation & myself & not just do No Contact or get stuck in ruminating on it for very long (this was all thankfully long distance).
Cheaters seem to believe in ‘never say never’ (as long as you accommodate them, they’ll keep coming around for more catering) while I (& others like me) believe in ‘enough is enough already’.
Personally I’ve got better things to do with my life than be a corespondent or a witness in a divorce case, but if the Missus wanted me to give evidence against Broken Toy I would be perfectly fine with doing that. It’s his turn to pay her for his repeated betrayals of her (so much in the way of fees, penalties & interest has built up, I would be declaring the marriage bankrupt & divorce him for good, but as I am not her, I could not say why she’s still keeping a marital tie to Broken Toy intact), some ‘other’ women can have the other spouse’s/partner’s backs by saying ‘goodbye & good riddance ASAP).
Also getting deeper in this situation is not necessary to me feeling better. There are other people better qualified out there who can do individual therapy & work with me plus there are also new awesome self-help books & courses etc coming out all the time. And who knew the cognitive therapy & grief therapy work as my own parents got sick & died would give me a head start on coming out of this to not just meh (achieved that pretty fast) but whoo-hoo!
Got my Tuesday already, working towards that happy weekend (when you all get there, I’ll buy y’all dessert!)
This woman at aste.io does a lot of detective work (for I think around $25 or so per person to be looked into) either I wouldn’t think to do online or I might go to the wrong site to get the info, plus she looks into things I might not think to look into right up front but can cause issues in a budding cheater-free relationship later on (like patterns in their social media posts that reveal stuff besides spouses & kids). She’s sort of an intermediate filter & step in between a quickie free (or super cheap) online search & a $100+/hour private investigator.
But right now it’s still me time, I have been doing a lot of stuff for me I wanted to do (as well as stuff I needed to do but didn’t know about until Broken Toy crossed my path). Dating etc can come much later (plus does anyone really want to start dating in a pandemic?) while I get to know me better.
I think my big take home is I need to be able to be really clear on where my limits are first and more importantly what qualities in someone else I must have so that no more Broken Toys show up uninvited again.
Alice–
I confess I’m sort of addicted to
Quora and Reddit threads where APs who post questions (“When will/why won’t my married twu wuv leave his/her spouse?” etc.) get the crap kicked out of them up by regular people. Very rarely do the whining APs get sympathy and even then it’s along the lines of “You’re dumb and destructive. Seek therapy for your disastrously low self esteem.”
It seems very un-meh to enjoy this kind of thing but my ultra meh therapist (and fancy Euro educated head of state U dept who’s also a classical musician) still watches Cheaters for laughs so I don’t feel so bad. She also thinks Esther Perel is a quack.
Gotta confess Get a kick out of stepparents at reddit. Many days you see people posting things like”Finally giving up”, “my SO has no consideration for me and uses me as a nanny for his kids with BM”. The stories are all the same. Cheater meets Twu Wuv, leaves family for her, Twu Wuv feels special and a winner, reality sinks in, cheater goes looking for greener pastures and sabotage relationship with Twu Wuv, Twu Wuv quits, the end.
Not always the same, Chump75. My cheating, FW XW and her POS AP are both cheaters. They both cheated on long standing spouses & marriages, and continue to stay together, despite the POS AP getting some serious karma by losing his big job recently, as reported by our local NPR station. So, we’ll see what happens. The two of them seem to be weathering everything for now.
The kids don’t fully realize yet how their “Mom” and the asshole blew apart two families to satisfy their own selfishness. If they’d divorced us first, and then started together, they could have avoided a lot of the shit they created. But instead they felt entitled to anything they wanted to do in the name of “Twu Wuv,” and decided to completely disrespect their long-time partners in the process.
To answer this post’s question, though, a good word salad from the FW XW on D-day was, “I had to know if I could make the leap.” Really? It took me awhile during my long recovery from the majority of the shock (about two years or so) to find my answer to this: No. Most people realize it’s the easiest thing in the world to take the leap. The hard part is not taking the leap. What the fuck is wrong w/you that you don’t get that?!
Peace, everybody.
I’m definitely going to look for the “AP sick of being used as nanny” subreddits. Sounds like a gas.
I always imagine these are AP couples but not a lot of them will say so. I think it just highlights how difficult the blended family thing is no matter what, never mind the whole thing being predicated on a lie and with a selfish fuckwit.
To think, these AP blended families fantasize about how easy it will be now that they are with their one true love. No obstacles now that they found the right person to share life with finally! Original spouse and co-parent sucked and was always in the way.
I HAVE to read these with a glass of delicious red wine tonight haha
What’s the subreddit?
oh my lol I think I’d enjoy reading that as well. Even when I do reach meh and it no longer hurts or makes me angry, I’ll still always enjoy hearing when cheaters & AP’s get their karma. I don’t think that has anything to do with meh.
You’ve got a good therapist.
I sill have the text after he realised my pay was going to a seperate account. That, and the recorded argument that went for 45 minutes were my trauma bond repellent. Any time I missed him, I’d play that argument or read that text. It really worked!
I have a weekend’s worth of recorded phone calls between my cheater ex and his sleazy, married-to-a-dying-man whore. My friends could not understand why I chose to keep the recordings. They worked perfectly as trauma bond repellant. They also explain why my ex never accomplished anything. He spent hours on the phone with her.
“They also explain why my ex never accomplished anything. He spent hours on the phone with her.”
This! At one point, after D-day #4 or more, and he’d moved in with the AP, the cell phones were in my name for a year or two until the divorce because I got a better discount. I enjoyed looking at the monthly summaries and it explained why he kept losing jobs during the entire affair, even when he was with her. He talked to her 1-2 hours a day, as he traveled for work. At one point she lost her job as a teacher because she was on the phone with him all the time. And of course, when I looked at the call logs, he always called her. She never initiated calls to him unless she was responding to his voicemail. Blah-blah-blah, me-me-me. So glad it’s over!
How big of him NewLady. I was told he was downsizing to a studio and I could sleep there. Just out of the blue.
She was fun – left her kids for you, drug addict and alcoholic.
I wasn’t going to leave you – am I supposed to be grateful.
She’s a slag – why are you hanging around her them.
we have problems – you just realised.
I don’t have to answer to you, now conscience is creeping in, after 7 years split up.
All men cheat – I don’t think so.
She said I was good at sex, she tells you what you want to hear.
Shame about sti(s), the pregnancy I don’t know what happened there. She was drinking, drugs, stis, smoking, but didn’t want the rest of her kids.
My ex has rosary beads, in his drawer, who is he kidding, God probably has to forgive him, I have to be civil but I don’t have to forget.
Susan:
“I wasn’t going to leave you – am I supposed to be grateful.”
Omg. I got this exact same comment, and it left me speechless. Because I couldn’t find the words, I couldn’t really process it.
Thanks for supplying me with the perfect rejoinder, even if I never share it with him. (And I won’t.)
Oh yeah, my Ex said this one too! During his first affair (I stupidly stuck around until Affair #2) his mother told him he had to stop, he had a wife and kids. He told her ‘don’t worry ma, I’m not planning on leaving KarenE’. His own mother was the one who told him that if he didn’t end the affair, I would be the one leaving. Seems that possibility had never occurred to him!
I think God requires repentance and remorse, before He forgives. It’s also a requirement to not do it again.
Jesus cheaters are entirely delusional. ????????????
He didn’t tell me OW’s name because she didn’t even know she was involved (he left me for her).
Talked about goodwill ???? between us while making our agreement.
What is it about not wanting to tell the OW’s name.
Mine was 100 years ago, and I still have no idea what her flipping name was.
Maybe she didn’t have a name!
You can’t make this shit up!
I know my husband’s ho-ho’s name and the name is ruined forever. A friend’s daughter has the same name and it’s even difficult to say that.
Miss Guided – I understand that. It can actually be very therapeutic to work that out. I have a client who’s husband cheated on her with a woman with my name. It is been good to work that out with her. I am doing the same with a very kind neighbor who has the name of the AP. We will forget about them soon enough. Who? What was her name? Oh, to be in a place where I just don’t remember, then I will know I truly don’t care anymore!
My ex didn’t want me to know the hag’s name to make it easier to continue cheating with her while still married to me. Also, he was afraid I would ruin her reputation (lol). It’s also easier to give them better qualities than they actually have if you know who they are.
Oops, harder to give better qualities if you know who they are.
You might be better off not knowing. I wish I didn’t know her name, or her husband’s name, or her address. I wish I never saw her shitty art, or the naked pictures of her. No, wait.. Those pictures provedto me she it NOT more beautiful than i am – especially on the inside.
Regardless of what she looks like, she’s a CRAPPY person. You are better.
thanks, Zip – oh, I know I am. She is a complete and total hag – the snooping just gave me more evidence of what a liar he is. (You don’t understand. She is BEAUTIFUL. I am sorry, but you are just not beautiful like that.) Damn right I am not like that. I don’t need his validation – he never gave me any after the love bombing anyway.
I was just going through my photos to delete him because, you know, google photos loves to show you painful memories. I realize now, all his focus on external looks – he is not handsome – and now I know just how truly ugly he is- physically and spiritually. They are perfect for each other. I have a life to live.
He said he wouldn’t tell me her name because he was afraid of what I might do to her !!!! That really hurt – when they are protecting the H poacher. I mean really, I’m a mom who wouldn’t hurt a fly.
Now I’m glad I don’t know her name and I never want to know it. I have my own names for the married coworker with kids who likes to F married men with families.
Yep, after he had our kids for a weekend which was about 30 days post DDay, my 6 yo told me how daddy’s friend -the Married howorker and mom to 3 kids stayed the night. I reached out to her on LinkedIn with the short message of figured I’d introduce myself since you’ve already met my husband and my children. She quickly told my then H and he scolded me that “I could stop bothering her.” Yep her getting drunk and sleeping over when my lil kids were with their dad and her fucking my husband for a year was so comparable to a generic message.
Some see multiple women at the same time. I had access to all phone records and while he found a winner (Nancy) there were others he was texting.
This, what Doingme just posted!
Most healthy cis hetero men are non monogamous unless & until they decide they want to be ‘exclusive’ & or married (cis hetero women tend to date in a stricter ‘one at a time’ narrow focused way which these days is very perilous given how soon people are having sex with people they barely know).
There are a lot of verbal gymnastics coming from actually single guys around this & wait until you see the ‘dating coaches’ online who coach cis hetero women into ‘exclusivity’ in relationships while at the exact same time coach healthy decent men in ‘pick-up artist’ style techniques (more stupid dishonest shit to say) so they the guys can have as much emotionally detached sex as possible with anyone & everyone ‘guilt-free’ while single. Be sure if you’re going to hire someone to help you get back into dating etc that you don’t pay or support one of these double-dipping ‘pros’, pick people who will genuinely be on your team & loyal to you & your goals for your life & your relationships.
That said, whoever ends up as the ‘winner’ around a cheater ends up as the warden or matron of the relationship, there’s not a lot of fun or joy in being the responsible ‘enforcer’.
So the winner is actually a loser who does not yet realize how much she (or he) is going to lose for as long as they tolerate or encourage the cheater.
Cheaters are booby prizes.
Damn. I guess I’ve been doing it wrong for a long time, it seems. I’m out of touch. I thought you became friends first, then got romantic, all while being committed to each other until you either made your commitment more formal, or acted as adults after deciding you don’t work well (or well enough) together, and separated w/out cheating.
I’ll have to find some coaches to train me in being a player. Yeah, right.
You aren’t a healty, decent man if you hire somebody to teach you how to pick up women and have emotionless sex with them.
Exactly.
I got the same crap, no name or any context as to how he knew her. I found her name within 12 hours – he was so careless with social media it was not that hard – He left his email open on our home computer so I changed his Facebook password and signed in and figured out who she was – very easy because they were communicating with the Facebook messenger feature. The ridiculous part was that he insisted that I hacked his accounts – he refused to let that go throughout the entire divorce process, he even threatened to turn me into the Facebook police as if that would frighten me. I wish I actually had the skill set to hack – it would have been much easier to find proof of all that he was doing with our finances lol.
???? “Facebook Police”. Thats how my STBX communicated with his fuckbuddy thru messanger. I saw all of her stupid cartoons of herself blowing kisses. What is she, 13?
Ugh.. social media makes it so easy to be a cheater.
What is it with the kissing emojis and stickers? AP and STBXH who are ‘just friends’ kept sending these. He’s 39 and she’s 32. They die for these messages everyday. Kibbles for kids.
Facebook police ????♀️ ????
Yes, mine changed all passwords in a heartbeat once I was catching on and said it was because he felt uncomfortable with me going through his stuff. (1 time only for 10 min as I was shaking so much couldn’t keep searching)
Imagine the nerve of us!
You should have let him think you WERE that skilled! I have accidentally fixed problems not knowing how I did it and certainly couldn’t repeat it and he’s been baffled, but thought I knew what I was doing. Truth-I was baffled, too, but didn’t let him know that! ????
He’s afraid you’ll get to her and either show and tell her a few (truthful) things about him, or you’ll beat her ass. Either one would be immensely satisfying IMO.
But mostly it’s because he’s spun his narcissistic web over her as well and gassed her up to how evil you are and great he is. She can’t be dispelled of that illusion while he runs his game.
So, so much to choose from — even 3+ years post divorce (as my ‘forgo my apathy toward you’ contribution to Wednesday’s UBT illustrates)
But I keep coming back to her persistent, superpower-like use of the word “compartmentalize” that she used throughout “The Troubles”:
– “I can compartmentalize things in a way you can’t…”
– “I compartmentalize my feelings toward you from my feelings towards others…”
– “If you can’t learn to compartmentalize, I suggest you get some help…”
As if she’d succeeded where so many others — Ponce de Leon, King Arthur and his Knights of Camelot (“Ni!”) — could not ever hope to.
Ni !! That made me fucking laugh. Shrubbery!
Funny I’m reading a book called ‘Whole Again’ that’s pretty helpful & a good goal to have.
Why I refer to the jerk I met as Broken Toy is because he himself is defective, there’s no empathy in him, heck if I’m right & he’s mostly borderline (& to a lesser degree narcissistic & sociopathic). The deepest darkest fear that drives Broken Toy into bizarre behaviors & leaves everyone else confused & frustrated is that he doesn’t have any kind of self-concept or idea of who he is. He’d love to just steal someone else’s identity, but that’s not how being a human works.
Broken Toy’s ironically an actor by profession but he spends way more time ‘performing life’ than doing what better actors I know do which is get their own emotional & psychological problems worked out so that they don’t have to devote a lot of time, energy, money, etc into not getting found out the way a cheater does, all that dysfunctional compartmentalizing if you keep doing it makes you emotionally & psychologically sick & eventually healthy people will shun you & you’ll be all alone when the feelings & the dark stuff catch up to you.
A person can play a part on a screen or a stage so much more convincingly if he or she actually lets themself feel their emotions in a healthy way plus that person is less likely to intentionally or negligently injury other people. This is Broken Toy’s life lesson to learn & he’ll be 70 in September & as far as I know (I’m 100% no contact with Broken Toy, have been so for many months, it might be a year already, the fact that I don’t know the timeline precisely shows you how much meh I live in already, which is excellent), he may die before he ‘gets it’. That’s an avoidable tragedy, but it’s up to Broken Toy to not keep going that way. I had one parent die when she was 64, the other was dead at 75, but being healthy & mature adults we got to a place of a clean slate with one another so they had better endings & I had less grief when it was their time to go (I also did grief therapy for each death & one of the two major illnesses). I’d love for Broken Toy’s kids (some of them already have grandkids), his wife, his brother, his sister-in-law, and yes even his baby mama to have the best possible ending, but again it’s not my problem to solve (that’s my personal lesson to take away from this experience with Broken Toy). If Broken Toy hasn’t lied about having colon cancer & he dies sooner than latter, there is a whole bunch of new pain for a lot of people Broken Toy will be leaving behind that maybe he didn’t have to leave as part of his legacy.
Totally up to him though.
I hope Broken Toy’s family get their healing, but I’m not holding my breath about it.
And anyone bragging about ‘compartmentalizing’ is someone I will immediately kick out of my life until they get help to stop doing that sick behavior. That’s my other big lesson from my ‘schmoopie audition’, have no contact with emotionally or psychologically sick people I don’t know. My life is too precious to me to live that way, thanks.
You’re just so unstable(not), and she’s so superior for not giving a shit about destroying her family.????
(I’m pretty sure extreme compartmentalizing is actual diagnosable pathology, not a thing to brag about. ????)
yeah, it’s really not something to brag about. But, hey – they love to make whatever they are doing into something better than it actually is.
Yes, it’s called sociopathy/psychopathy. ????????
“She showed me what was missing in my life.”
(a brain, a heart, courage)
She also showed me what was missing in MY life.
(a husband with emotional maturity, integrity, kindness, a working moral compass…..)
I love this!
You enable me by doing things for me, like helping in the kitchen.
Wow! How dare you help in the kitchen!!!
He said “Why should you make double what I do.”
I brought up the fact that I graduated from college
his response.
“What a waste of time and money because now you have to pay me. ”
This is when he thought he was going to be getting spousal support. Luckily he does not!
@ChumpNoMore – yeah – HE was the waste of time and money (and space and air). My XSO was so jealous of my master’s degree and my ability to get work quickly. Never mind that I work my fucking ass off, I’m sure he thought it was “easy” for me. During the last six months he would complain (constantly about everything, I might add.) a lot about “I should have stayed in school!” At the very end after D day, I was in his house for 3 months as I looked for an apartment (never told him a thing. This site made me very aware that he is an abuser and you don’t tell abusers your plan to leave) It really came out how much he resented my “status” in the community. Funny thing, I could care less about status and he SAID he could care less, but he is a liar and the truth really came out in those 3 months. SO JEALOUS. gross
Once in a while my mother has very good advice. She told me, “the next one needs to be your intellectual equal.” She’s right. I deserve that. No more fix up projects.
Love his logic ????????
LOLOLOL!
He used this one a lot: “The Bible says the wife must be submissive to her husband.”
Meaning take all the crap that I’m dishing out like serial cheating & financial irresponsibility and live with it like a good little wifey because I’m the husband & can do whatever I want.
Eventually I said nope! But it took a while to get there. He used my faith against me many times. He twisted everything.
I believe this is called spiritual abuse on the ‘power & control wheel of abuse’.
It’s also likely patriarchy & rampant entitlement on the part of a cheater trying to justify the unjustifiable with organized religion.
So glad my parents raised me to be agnostic (they were both Catholics, but gave it up for very good reasons by the time they left their parental homes to become independent adults & before they met & happily married each other). When the tenets of the Catholic faith are abused, boy is that ever spiritually toxic.
I want to see more people here putting more faith & love into themselves first (the rest will follow).
I love that one too cuz unfortunately that’s not what that verse means. It really means that the husband should die unto himself so her can serve her like Christ did to the church. People misuse that one all the time.
Exactly.
Same.
‘You’re supposed to accept what I do (cheating, lying, embezzling, stealing, gaslighting…). Be a good Catholic’
Mine did too????. Talk about mindfuck!
“We had sex twice!”
(In 27 years? And if that were true you stayed because….? Hold on…let me double check the log book….)
FYI….lying and defrauding and betraying your wife does NOT make for a great sex life…..it can make for a FAKE sex life, however…..
And in retrospect I am sure the reason he never expressed any dissatisfaction is because he had side pieces, being the cake-loving two-faced con artist that he is.
‘I needed to find a mechanism to deal with my frustration.’
What was your frustration about?
‘I can’t stand conflict.’
Oh! You don’t like the conflict that happens when I discover you lie and cheat?
‘HERE we go again! See, this is what I’m talking about.’
Me: ???????
I had a similar mind game bestowed on me. In response to learning he was leaving me and our 1 & 2 year old babies for a stripper 1,800 miles away, he said ‘You did nothing wrong. You were a great wife.’ Then I asked why my reward for being a great wife should be this, and he said ‘it’s not you, it’s me. There’s something wrong with me. I can’t handle confrontation.’ I asked what he needed to be confrontational about (I was a pretty kick ass wife, but also completely willing to adjust if there was something he didn’t like) and he said ‘you wouldn’t understand.’ Ah. Well then. It’s above pay grade apparently… in the clouds, mysterious and unclear. Infuriating.
Nah I think you would have understood perfectly, which was the real fear at work here.
It must truly suck to lack self-integrity.
Yes! I was also told “you were a great wife”, and “your the best person I know”
Seriously??? I think that is supposed to make me feel better for being dumped.
Mine told me that I had treated him better than anyone ever had. Total mindfuck.
oh yeah – I got “This is the most mature and stable relationship I ever had.” Yep, I truly did not have enough drama for him.
I need to fix my red flag monitor – CL and CN are helping me do that.
I’m convinced these cheaters say this flattering stuff to make us feel better, which, in turn, makes them them feel less shitty about themselves. “Look at me. I said a nice thing. I’m a good person!”
I got something similar: “You are my one true love” and “I think it’s possible to love two people at once.”
I actualy believed it at first, but now I know it’s all BS. I don’t think some of these cheaters are capable of love. They’re just kibble-seeking, pathetic people.
We need to call this the “Look at me! I’m a good person!” dance!
Where chumps & schmoopies get stuck doing a ‘pick me! dance, cheaters are condemned to doing an imitation of what it is to be a feeling, caring, loving human.
Cheaters overdo it in the beginning, then when they’ve ‘won’ someone over, they freak out because they *cannot* actually feel for, share with, care for, or love another. We’re not wrong or stupid for feeling good when they are good to us in whatever amounts they choose to perform (remember it’s all fake, we just don’t know it yet because we don’t think our way through feelings), we’re only a bit ignorant in not knowing that they don’t feel anything & that they think in the awful ways they do. Not our fault when we don’t quite know what they’ve tried so hard & for so long to hide.
Even a psychic, empathic, intuitive & highly sensitive person cannot consistently tell when a cheater is lying. We have very primitive sensory tools for spotting their cons, according to the LoveFraud website, we only correctly detect lies being told to us by others ~53% of the time. Our skill at detecting any cheaters’ falsehoods is only slightly better than flipping a coin in deciding whether to believe them. Yes if we listen to our bodies a little more & work a bit harder at picking up on some very subtle signs to try & slow things down that helps a bit, but that’s far from fool-proof & of course good people make the mistake of thinking that cheaters think & feel like good people. They don’t.
Cheaters ‘perform’ their way through life. There’s a whole lot of them faking it & not nearly enough of them making it by themselves. We are their facilitators & that has to stop.
Cheaters simply perform whatever is socially acceptable moment by moment, they perform compliments, they perform caring, they perform love, they perform loyalty.
Until they simply can’t. Then they do all that broken human stuff & try to break us in the process.
None of us signed up to be therapists, neuroscience researchers, prison matrons, jailers or wardens or (for those who have kids) the hardest job: de facto single parents.
I don’t think for a second that cheaters without the help of competent professionals AND their own willingness to look into the scary black hole at the center of themselves (where the dark emotions & thoughts they need to confront & work through await them) will ever feel anything like lasting happiness.
And it’s on the cheaters to figure out why they can’t feel any emotions or just a very dark few. It’s not our job.
Healthy humans don’t have to do unhealthy stuff to adapt to the unhealthy alternate reality of a cheater. The cheaters & anyone who enables them in this world view have it backwards. They need to do the work to join the genuine & good human race.
The healthy people who read & post here are deeply feeling the bad of a cheater’s betrayal because in order to feel the good & be a completely alive human, you have to be open, vulnerable & risk feeling bad. Sometimes we take risks & we lose. But we grieve the losses, we eventually accept the loss & the lessons it brings. And hopefully we don’t take it out on our fellow fully feeling human beings.
Cheaters don’t ever assume any risk, they only want to game things to their short term advantage & not worry about the long term. And this is why they have to lose eventually.
Cheaters will collapse doing the fake “I’m a good person dance” & actual good people over time increasingly see the performance for the lie it really is. Some people take longer to see it because they are naive, some don’t want to see it because it will hurt them & in some cases, some of them pretend it’s true because they’ve chosen to join Team Cheater, & hope to profit in the short term (& more unrealistically in the long term).
It’s hard for anyone to face loss, it’s hard to go against programming to get into ‘pick me’ dance-offs, but it’s not nearly as hard as all the stuff cheaters are doing to deny a far worse reality, that if they go deep within themselves, they’ll only find blackness & emptiness. That dance they will keep doing for decades even though odds are everyone is going to find them out before they die.
No one who isn’t a cheater is trying to rewrite their relationship histories so we don’t ‘look bad’ or ‘look like a failure’. Those are cheater fears, not the fears of a healthy person who is capable of feeling all their feelings, genuinely caring for another, going deep & getting real. But cheaters are ‘stuck on superficial’. They’ll perform or play at staying in delusional Disneyland because their inner children are using childish skills & childish logic to solve adult problems. This is sad, you can give them a little pity for this, but the healthy thing for everyone is to get cheaters to the point of willingly fixing themselves or facing consequences.
At some point cheaters either have to change or they have to be shunned. I know that’s a harsh word, very scary Old Testament Biblical in how it has to be applied. But at the point when you’ve tried everything & then some & it hasn’t worked, it’s time to go no contact (or if you have family ties you cannot untangle, gray rock low contact). It’s time for divorces, custody agreements, crutch relationships with schmoopies & affair partners to be terminated preferably by the schmoopies or the APs, but if not, the schmoopies & APs need to go on the shun list as well as flying monkeys & Switzerfriends. It’s for their own good, but more importantly it’s for ours & for the genuine humans we deserve to have in our lives.
If it were up to me all cheaters & cheating enablers would be sent to Antartica to sort themselves out & create their own separate society while the rest of us go back to a better society where we presume trust until shown otherwise & feel safer in so doing. We heal our traumas, we get to a place where bizarre irrational word salad is not a thing because only people as pathological as cheaters & cheating enablers speak that nonsense to one another, their language is as dead to us as Latin & their bad behavior. Good people build trust & safety slowly, they are reliable, they are honest, they take prudent emotional & relationship risks, they open their hearts gradually & because no one cheats, truly strong relationships get built & enjoyed for a long time to come. I wouldn’t necessarily call this happily ever after, but we can probably find more contented moments than traumatic ones and over time those sum out at happiness.
Tuesday will come, meh is definitely achievable, if we keep at it, there’s a sequence of awesome happy weekends to follow but only if there’s no cheater tolerance.
Keep your eyes on the prize (a world where the cheater just isn’t a bother anymore)!
Sounds like utopia. Where’s it going to be built?
So Not Your Schmoopie – I really needed this today. Well said! I was just speaking to a friend yesterday about holding cheaters to the same standard as healthy people. Wow, how different the world will be… I know I am on this bandwagon and I am discussing this idea freely when the topic comes up.
So Not Your Schmoopie, thank you~your comments are an accurate explanation of Cheaters in relationships.
Every interaction a Cheater has with another person is a performance.
I’m saving your posts for future reference.
You’ve put into words what I’ve known to be true.
I feel that some of these disordered people really do put us in the friend zone. They think we are here for them, but they are not here for us anymore – they are in a fantasy world and they don’t seem to realize the repercussions of what they are doing.
My 1st H – father of my children – who had serious untreated mental health issues, told me I was his best friend when he dumped me. ( so then why dump me? )
2nd H – the cheater, was hugging me and popping by to do things after he had dumped me – like he loved me or I was his good friend. He looked distraught.
I don’t get put in the friend zone when single, I get put in the friend zone when married! Is it my picker, or WTF? I’m not doing anything differently than my happily married friends are doing. I really don’t get it and this is two for two for me.
Zip – they are addicted to the endorphins and all the other chemicals associated with new and exciting relationships. They still believe in fairy tale love and don’t understand long term love is calm. These addictive traits will also manifest in other ways – drug addiction, porn addiction, cheating addiction.
I know my picker needs fixing. While I tend to that, maybe I can help a few other chumps along the way.
This info is very insightful, thank you!
Yes, mine didn’t have ‘the tools’ to talk to me. Yet…he had the ‘tools’ to court a married ick while married to me and break up 2 families.
I’ve posted this one before, but it’s rerun worthy:
I agreed to try RIC under a few conditions, one of them being that he take a polygraph to cut thru the trickle truth BS. He agreed but as the date neared he got visibly frayed. When I told him the night before the test that we’d need to pay the second half of the $500 fee upon arrival, he became combative, telling me he wasn’t going to pay for it, that I should. He’d already paid the $250 deposit when the appointment was made, but now wanted me to pay it out of our household budget/ grocery account.
The ensuing conversation about the rationality and fairness of that ended like this:
Me: so let me get this straight, you’ve paid hundreds of $$ a week for sex with our money, but I’m supposed to foot the bill and forgo this week’s groceries for you to follow through on your promise?
Him: I wasn’t paying for sex, I was paying for self-esteem. You buy things you don’t need all the time.
His picture should be right next to ‘Fucktard’ in the cheater dictionary.
Wow I just learned a new word in the Cheater Dictionary (Thesaurus)
“self-esteem” (noun): the kind, degree or frequency of sexual activities a cheater unilaterally, increasingly & deceptively seeks outside of his or her primary monogamous relationship as indiscriminately & expensively as possible.
I’ve heard a lot of euphemisms for ‘sex’ before, but this is my first time hearing this one. Yikes.
This smells like an addiction to the dopamine that sex gives some people. If the STBX did porn & phone sex etc before, he’s likely in an addictive cycle that will only escalate.
That new Eddie Capparucci book ‘Going Deeper’ might help you because this could well be a porn / sex addiction he has. Not saying he has this for sure, but chances are he has an Inner Child running wild & running him & whatever decisions he is making. Instead of getting to his core wound(s) to work on them he learned sometime when he was younger to self-soothe with sex (addicts to alcohol do this with alcohol, addicts to drugs, pick a substance, etc).
I will warn you that Capparucci is Christian, a 12 stepper & does do some paid work with the Reconciliation Industrial Complex (and no you don’t have to do RIC if you don’t want to or you suspect it won’t help you or heaven forbid RIC would make it worse), but Capparucci has free videos on YouTube & the book on Amazon is cheap. If you have a working knowledge of how this addiction spiral goes, you can then spot it sooner in other people & detach from them sooner (of if they are very young & using porn or sex in a toxic way, you have a better chance of getting them help sooner & keeping them from as going as far into the Dark Side as some of the adults who are deep in addiction & need a lot more time & professional help to get to sobriety).
Glad you are getting out from this.
@Chumptydumpty Oh – this is so telling! Sometimes, they do have insight into who they are . He truly needs to get self esteem from outside of himself. How pathetic he must feel if he needs to buy self esteem. No one told him he can make it himself – or it is just easier for him to purchase it. Probably the latter – they are all lazy.
Self esteem? Hahahaa! I love this site.
If this wasn’t so sad, it’d be hilarious. It did crack me up, some, though. What a tool!
The insecurity in that man just screams! He needed to pay for “self-esteem”? So unattractive!
So fucking hilarious, if we weren’t married to them.
Perhaps you can get regular monthly self esteem payments added to the settlement in your divorce decree.
????????????
Talk about mindfuck….when he was devaluing me and trying to make see the light of why he must be with her he said stuff like this while he was scoffing at me: “You ONLY love me for me. The ONLY things you can say what’s good about us is we have FUN together, we LAUGH together, we are BEST FRIENDS, we LOVE each other’s kids, we LOVE each other and we have AMAZING sex. THAT’s IT! Nothing else? (Me in total shock crying….and a very awkward long pause) Then he starts concluding his dismissal of me by saying: “I want to go live life and do things. I’ve worked hard all my life with no life to show for it…no memories, nothing. I want to go to the beach, the mountains, the lake….I want to live.” (Me still in total shock because I had asked him many times for us to take trips….even day trips…to live life and he would refuse EVERY SINGLE TIME because it interfered with work.
He wins the mindfuck gold medal!
My stbx flat out refused to go out to dinner, go camping with our son, or go on any kind of vacation. Despite having several weeks of paid vacation. His excuse for being a surly killjoy was always work.
Of course the first thing he did with the dead-eyed skank was to go on vacation and take long weekends at expensive hotels. All while refusing to pay child support.
So infuriatingly selflish
Southern, He sounds totally and utterly screwed up. We can so relate to the madness.
Mine told me ‘there were some good things between us’. This after being told repeatedly that we were so lucky, that he was my soulmate that I was the love of his life, amazing sex, blah blah blah then all of a sudden ‘ some good things’ as he’s dumping me.
And he was fucking OW because they had an intellectual connection – had nothing to with sex.
My XH would refuse as well, used the same excuse as yours “I have to WORK!”
I’d try to make plans for us but would always get denied. Even going on to dinner with me once a week was a chore for him.
Yet, he’d complain we never did anything. I wanted to throw his golf clubs through his car windshield I was so angry.
Mine claimed to want “spontaneity”, but would get furious if I suggested, on a whim, we go do something fun. He said he needed to “plan” these things. They had to be worked into his schedule. Yeah, go figure that one out.
They are just full of excuses, it’s crap like that which would cause me so much anxiety. I don’t miss it at all.
question: (to him)
are you sleeping with her ?
Answer: “She has shown me some affection”
Question ( from him)
Don’t you want to be happy?
Answer (to him)
Yes I want to be happy with you.
Damn, “she has shown me some affection” sounds so much classier than “she dropped her knickers for me” doesn’t it!
Certainly better than I got: “there was anal and genital stimulation.” Permanently burned into my brain. Sorry to inflict it on you guys, but my hope is if I say it enough, it will lose all meaning (like it has for him, apparently).
I’m sure it was painful to hear at the time, but that is actually hilarious. You should have it printed on a card and take it out when ever you need a good laugh. Talk about a fucktard. WTF?? Anal and genital stimulation-was this a research study or an exuberant Quest for aliveness? Dumbass.
Two days after D-day, my cheater described OW orgasms in great detail to me and stated about himself “I guess I’m really good at sex”.
OMFG
So so many:
“I thought we could reconcile if we worked through one affair. I didn’t think I needed to tell you about the others.”
“Why don’t you do the basic things to make me happy?”
“I wasn’t getting my needs met by you.”
“I thought that cheating would save our marriage. I thought that cheating was better than divorce.”
“I thought you were ok with cheating.”
“I cheated because I was sexually abused as a child.”
*If I didn’t listen to my voice of defiance, I would despair.(Head scratcher)
*Let’s get back together in, say, 3 years. (Delusional?)
*I made a mistake. (Like forgetting to buy milk.)
*You gave as good as you got. (No, I didn’t. I wasn’t perfect, but I didn’t cheat.)
*I know it’s irrational, but I don’t like the idea of you dating anyone else, ever. (This was followed by: “I was up all night writing an email for your next sexual partner, so he’ll know how to please you.” (Not only sicko but totally narcissistic of him.)
*You know we’ll never have better sex than we had with each other. (Speak for yourself, buddy.)
*I think it’s possible to love two people at the same time.(Liar.)
*I know the games the whore is playing. It’s untested love. (“But I chose to throw my marriage away on this gamble because otherwise I would despair. (see point 1 above)
*”I’m impuslvie. It was like hit-me-over-the-head-with-a-rock flirtation.”
Sigh. These probaby don’t fit the funny word-salad criteria CL was looking for here, at least not for me. It just makes me feel down.
“I was up all night writing an email for your next sexual partner, so he’ll know how to please you.”
Are you F’ing kidding me!?!?! Who the F does he think he is?! F’ing PIG!
“You know we’ll never have better sex than we had with each other.”
My XH said similar, I told him my next partner won’t need to take little blue pills lol
????????????????my ex had cialis…..”but he never needed it” he “gave it to his brother”. Nothing original. Wonder how that’s going? Howife must know by now.
To his brother?
Mine told me it’s not my business and it’s between him and his doctor
– but you ordered the pills on the internet, you could die
– it’s not my business anyway
– but 4 of them are missing!!
– that’s because he was planning on having sex with me
– you were on the pill with an erection 1/2 day at work??!?????
– it’s not your business
We haven’t had sex for months.
That was before dday
( he was into hookers)
Few months Later /during reconciliation ( I was always super supportive of his inability to do it- if happened- ) he had an issue keeping it up.
I sight, went to brush my teeth for the 2 Nd time, came back to bed and tried to fall asleep
Him: you won’t say anything? I feel like a looser… I feel like you don’t care anymore ( I am a big empathetic and was always trying to make him feel ok)
Me: well, what should I say? It’s not my business after all
Sex with him was pretty mediocre……That was”my fault”…..he acted like he was doing me a favor.????guess those pills he gave his brother he used on the downgrade. She’ll realize she’s not so special about the same time she runs out of money????
Gave them to his brother. Haha. Sure.
My ex’s subscription renewed the month after D-Day when we still shared a credit card. When I called him on it, he actually said, “It’s not what you think.”
He knew I knew he was living with his mistress, so, yeah, it was exactly what I was thinking. Why bother lying at that point?
She probably does.
My XH will forever need Viagra. I don’t miss seeing those damn pills on my bathroom counter. Whatever woman he gets next can deal with the eye sore.
Thansk for the validation, Alice.
Btw, mine relied on viagra, too! Are they all the same?
oh god! I found out he was using Viagra with the AP! I wondered how much he used it with me? Secrets.. so many secrets. and SO MANY INSECURITIES. good bye dumb ass.
Apparently they do. At least, MINE did. He needed help getting it up, but was highly critical of my waning personal lubrication. Yes, getting old sucks. And, just like the little blue pill, there are plenty of helpers in the personal lubrication arena. OK for him to use the pill, not OK for me to use Astroglide.
And we won’t even go into him needing dildos, vibrators, etc. on himself to actually get off.
Yes — my ex also couldn’t keep it up without Viagra. He preferred butt play and couldn’t get off without some form of it. He wasn’t much fun in bed, tbh, and I always needed lubricant (which he resented and resisted)
My current yummy blondie needs NO help from Viagra. And funny that I don’t need lube anymore ????
XH would criticize that my genitals were not bare & bleached like that of porn stars. I always responded with, “only if you do the same” and he didn’t like that.
No one is going to tell me how to “keep” my genital area. No One!
The complaints ????♀️
The saddest part is, that most of the faithful women are so she’ll shocked by the accusations ( oh, you don’t turn me on, I don’t find you attractive anymore, I don’t like oral with you, I can’t keep it up because of you- so it was a rush to do it before he went????)
That we dance and try to FIX ourselves, bending like damn pretzel to please our h’s.
I woke up after 17 years of such a horrible hot- cold gaslighting treatment….
What do I know now?
There is absolutely nothing wrong with me.
H #2 can’t get enough of me and is really happy to see my desire, joy and excitement to have sex with him. No blue pill needed, no 5 minute sex.
I just wasted the best years of my life thinking that something was wrong with me
While 5,6’, blonde, size 6-8, college educated…. right now I’m size 12, and feel better than ever.
Oh God! That’s awful. Porn does something to these guys.
As weird as it sounds, I’m glad I’m not the only one who had to deal with a cheater who needed viagra.
It was the only time in my life with XH that I said something negative about his pills. Before that, I never said anything because I didn’t want to make him feel bad. XH needed the pills because his prescriptions caused “negative” side-effects, thus the pills were needed. And he will need them his whole life.
They are ALL THE SAME.
Here’s my submission. It’s a letter from him to me, written during “reconciliation,” but when we were separated for two months:
One part of this I know will be hard for me. We both know that my instinct is going to be to go off and do my own thing without maintaining contact, and I agree with you that each of us letting the other know what’s up is important. I also believe that sticking to a schedule is the way for me to go–say, committing to writing or calling at least every other week–until momentum takes hold and it’s possible to be more flexible, as it has been for us talking to one another lately. The hard part for me is going to be getting past the defenses I habitually erect that make it hard for me to write in the first place. I know what I have to do, more or less: just be honest about whatever I’m thinking or feeling, ignoring the feeling that anything I say is going to lead to disaster, and then deal with your actual responses as they arise. The best way I can think to approach it is simply to say to myself, hey, if I write something she hates, then the worst that can happen is that we split up in the way we’ve talked about; and if I can’t find a way to do this, to speak and act without feeling like anything I do or say is going to be wrong, then our marriage isn’t going to last anyway, or shouldn’t. There is some danger in this, in which case, all I can ask is that you tell me so, and try to be as clear as you can about what you’re OK with talking about and what you aren’t. The last thing I want to do is to prolong your obsessive mental processing. But there’s something of a conflict between imperatives here, which I hope we can find a way to balance.
Tone is critical, and as we are both only too print is a medium in which tone is easily lost, so I want to start by saying how I feel. Or felt. Or feel/felt.
Before your latest, I felt like this: a little hurt, though not really upset; a little sad; less hopeful; somewhat resigned; but most of all determined, saying to myself that if I’m going to fuck this up it’s not going to be the way I would typically do it, by clamming up and drifting away, but by overcoming my instinctive reactions and telling you exactly what’s going on with me.
The hurt and sadness are not responses to what you said–I’ll get to that later–but to what you didn’t say. Here’s how it felt: I wrote an email full of hope and love and other stuff, and got a response only about the other stuff, with none of the hope and love acknowledged or returned. And I had my usual feeling that I can’t do anything right: I took some risks, however small, putting myself out there by daring to be hopeful about us, and got slapped down for it.
To be clear: I am not saying “you should have done this” or “you shouldn’t have done that.” I have zero interest in making you be or do anything. I am trying to be clear about how I feel, to keep myself from going into my silence and paralysis number.
“Clear”? What the hell was that? Why are these letters all so badly written?
Haha! I agree.
In their defense, it’s hard to write clearly when you consider what they’re working with here: blameshifting, BS justifications, and lies. I mean, it takes superb writing skills to spin that shit into something coherent.
haha! Spinach@35, you nailed it.
After cheating – this is what he has to say to you? He wants to be clear about how HE feels – because that is what’s important here . . .
What a bunch of psychobable nonsense leading nowhere, and all about him and his precious “feelings.” Fuck his feelings. He can’t even clearly state them. Bet you’re glad to be shut of the moron.
“obsessive mental processing” – Well, from the way this letter is going, I’d say you’re not the one with this problem.
“obsessive mental processing” = dealing with the trauma of betrayal & its aftermath, it’s called ‘rumination’ & it’s a natural biological process. When you are blindsided as all chumps are by this kind of betrayal, it’s natural to try to constantly figure out what happened, it’s not ‘obsessive’.
Given that you’re dealing with the person who caused you this trauma, continued communication between you beyond what is strictly necessary may well keep you stuck there.
Look into PTSD & C-PTSD resources for yourself so you can get unstuck for YOU not for the cheater, aka the Faux Therapist (obsession is a totally different thing than recovery from trauma).
“obsessive mental processing” – classic projection.
“I am trying to be clear about how I feel . . .” #MissionAborted
Chump Lady may have to make “the defenses I habitually erect” into a hashtag used to call “BULLSHIT” — #DefensesIHabituallyErect or #HabituallyErectedDefenses
Perhaps #DefensiveErections? ????
Perfect.
Yes, “the defenses I habitually erect” is a winner, as are
“prolong your obsessive mental processing”.
“something of a conflict between imperatives here”
“overcoming my instinctive reactions”
all of which could be reworked into hashtags.
I must say that I enjoyed this Friday challenge. Going back through those emails left me in stitches, which showed me how far I’ve come.
OMG. I hope you responded “TLDR”. Why do they send these sixteen page long word vomit missives?
MaisyL, your response (TLDR) cracked me up. Thanks for the laugh!
Yes, word vomit. 4 years after divorce and I am grey rock. I keep my responses to 3 words max, and only when necessary and about the kids. He lives with his parents, just up the street from me. I supported their son financially for our entire 11-year marriage.
His father just put a lien on the marital home I live in, and is demanding immediate payment under threat of foreclosure. I responded to his father that I took on this heavily-mortgaged (still underwater) home when we divorced because his son could not, and so the kids’ would not have to experience the disruption of moving at that time. I told him that any money I could give him would come out of my budget for the kids’ college savings, and that was unacceptable. I am planning to move out and let them foreclose.:
“Good morning – I wanted to commit to $1,300 a month toward college contributions for the kids and ask you for some guidance on the best way to rationalize the contributions.
My dad was kind enough to share your letter of last month as part of his process thinking through how to respond. I certainly don’t need or want to get involved in all that, but I was struck by how valuable it was to hear what you had gone through financially, and what your current level of contribution for the kids’ college funds was. I want to match that.
It also strikes me think that maybe it’s valuable for you to know where I’m coming from financially. In October 2019 I left my business association with XXX XXX and walked away from a lot of busy-ness and income while building my own organization. Part of the issue was XXXs’ terrible accounting and not having filed taxes or W-2s since 2018. Honestly we’re still fighting about all that.
When I left my association with him, I got to carry the brand, XXX XXX, that we had started. It’s a brand on another business organization registered with the State Corporation Commission and State Bar, and I am a sole owner. I have three people who work for me in part time or associate capacity, including XXX XXX who is an administrator/runner. Over September and October I drew down my clientele, invested heavily in training, found some people who would lend me assistance or allow me to hire their assistance, and focused on quality representation over quantity. A lucky new hire, XXX, meant my marketing and branding was well taken care of and she’s just fantastic when it comes to immigration law. Business has picked up. Slowly at first, and now quickly. My cash flow has started to pick up starting in June. The pipeline of cases has increased steadily meaning this looks like it’s going to continue.
At the same time I’m getting a handle over expenses in a way that mitigates risk with regard to any litigation or audit against or involving XXX. My accountant has done my books over the last couple years and we can file with the IRS knowing our best and worst case scenario and being able to proceed forward with compliant accounting regardless of whatever audit or litigation it triggers over and between XXX and I. And that knowledge helps because at the moment I have more money coming in, I also know how much I’m going to have to spend and I don’t have to just shelter in place [his parents’ basement] hoarding money that I might have to use to litigate or survive an audit.
That means the conservative, savings strategy I used over the first half of the year can be changed. It’s time for me to think about investing regularly and monthly. That includes investing in the kids’ education.
I only have access to one 529 account [for our son]. I put $3000 in it this month and I’m going to put $1300 in it on 1 August, or 3 August depending on when the debit goes through. But it strikes me that you have access to two accounts one each for the kids. My contribution might need to be adjusted based on those relative values. To add to complexity, [our son’s] two years ahead of [our daughter] and will likely have to draw against the 529 account earlier. Do you have any suggestions, information, or guidance on how best to optimize the contributions?
This can be a conversation. Ask any questions you want. On the other hand it doesn’t need to be. I truly don’t know what’s helpful for you to manage the kids’ monthly contributions for education. I just know that I want to help do what you’re doing, because it’s pretty awesome.”
Whatever dude.
“I see how you’re struggling and how my dad is abusing you like I did, but I’m totally not going to help. I’m just going to write you a super long email about how awesome you are!!!! And aren’t I a great guy — I mean, I’m letting my dad evict my kids from their home but I’m so totally chipper!!! Cheers!”
Thanks for the UBT. You captured his essence perfectly.
There was zero in that that helped with the housing…..get out and let them have the foreclosure.
Thank you, I feel so ashamed of a foreclosure, and I don’t know what to tell the kids, knowing they are already being sold a line of bullshit by him and his family. But financially and emotionally, these people are leaving me no space to build my life.
When I asked the obvious question of why did he cheat: “I ran the sharing idea by her, but she wouldn’t go for that.” Might I point out that “the” “sharing idea” was not something that was run by me before he gave himself permission to cheat.
“The sharing idea” run by the whore and her alone. How disrespectul! Geezus.
I think the caring about what the whore thinks and protecting her is incredibly hurtful.
Along these lines, the cheater said when we were dividing assets, “She (whore) doesn’t want anything of yours.” Me: “She just wants my husband.”
He also said, “You need to apologize to her (i.e, the mistress).” This said after he bragged that his lawyer was impressed with his net worth. I responded, “I bet your whore was impressed to.” I couldn’t resist.
He also said something like, “She would never do anything to hurt me.” (As opposed to me? What?)
Talking to your wife about your mistress, as if you’re a love-struck teen, is tone-deaf and even sadistic.
Should I feel hurt, I was never offered the “sharing”option?????
The two word salad concoctions that stick in my head:
1. When confronted with the affair ‘As with so many things in life, truth and perception are not the same thing’. The emails looked real to me. I managed to print them off without having to cast a spell first ????.
2. ‘You are too altruistic’. Ah, I’m too kind and that made you have an affair.
I also enjoyed use of the word ‘saddened’ rather than ‘sad’ just in case I had any doubt about why the affair was all my fault.
He always was and always will be a pompous fool.
Mine said. Affairs just happen. It’s what men do.
Another one, I am weak. You have to just accept it.
My reply: “Bad behavior has unpleasant consequences. You just have to accept that.”
I said essentially the same thing, but my cheater refuses the term “consequences.” He insists on the term “punishment.” I pointed out that the former term suggests agency while the latter implies victimhood. He ignored my distinction, of course, and instead went on to say that he “didn’t expect the venom to flow like this.”
Woe is he! The most punished man. It’s part of his narcissism. I’m sure schmoopie agrees and tries to soothe him when he gets into a real funk about it. No doubt he has convinced her that, in these tough times, a good BJ improves his spirits. It’s the least she can do.???? And if she really loves him, she’ll do it even when he has a herpes outbreak.
Madge2: ‘As with so many things in life, truth and perception are not the same thing’.
Dear God! What the hell does the even mean or have to do with anything? Word-salad deflection and obfuscation.
I got similar BS that seemed aimed to show that his cheating was motivated not by his dick and need for kibbles but rather by his sophisticated thinking and existential angst–something bigger than all of us and beyond the comprehension of mere mortals (i.e., me).
And the passive voice is a winner for these cheaters. Mistakes were made!
Him – “I’m sorry if I did something 3 weeks ago to upset you. 3 weeks ago it seems like you stopped working on our marriage and reneged on everything you agreed to.”
Me – “You mean when you filed for divorce?”
I recorded this gem. He sounded like an insane, lost boy. By this conversation, he had been caught booking a vacation with OW, got an apartment, moved out, took another vacation with OW, and had handed me divorce papers.
Now I just get crazy recaps after every possession time. 7-8 paragraphs for 3 hours possession. It is always a “fun filled evening” or “action packed evening” where the kids eat “vegetable loaded” dinner and watch educational TV for 10 minutes. He tells me a specific number of every food item they eat (5 cheetos and 1/2 an oreo) and what times and details on every diaper change he did. And I don’t believe a single word of any of it.
He also claimed that we hadn’t had sex in 3 years. Which was odd considering I had just given birth to his child. *sigh*
Unbelievable!!!
In marriage counseling during (false) reconciliation, cheating ex-wife said:
“I’m here because I’m committed to our marriage, HOWEVER I can’t say for sure that things with [latest affair partner] are completely over.”
Even the counselor was gobsmacked by that one. Soon after she adjourned the session so ex-wife could figure out what she wanted. A few days later I discovered there had been other affairs and I filed.
Yeah, pretty clear she never understood what “committed” means.
“You NEVER liked my mother”
I didn’t marry your mother! At least that’s what I thought. The momma’s boy is 58 and the umbilical cord as strong as a newborn’s
Oh dear, this sounds like enmeshment with one’s parent(s) to me…
????unbelievable
I got this in response to telling him that I was uncomfortable that he walked into my entryway one evening without knocking to pick up our son’s skis; and AH’s dissatisfaction with my response that I would be back to pick up the skis “after work on Friday” as not specific enough. And the quote at the bottom – my favourite part.
******
Hi MaisyL,
Your inability to even pretend to act like a normal co-parent, let alone be one, is so unfortunate for the boys. I asked you (twice) a simple question — when are you coming by? — and you refused to answer. So be it.
Unlike you, when I came by to pick up the skis last a few weeks ago I texted Child many hours in advance and then I then texted him (and Child texted right back) an exact arrival time (care of Waze) when I knew I was heading over and I know that he told you. There was literally nothing unexpected about it and it’s strange that you continue to state so. And, as you know (and, once again, for the record), I have not been in your entryway (let alone “force my way” into your entryway) since I picked up my clothes and books about or so four years ago. You clearly remain sore that Child had a normal conversation with me in your presence.
“Everyone is entitled to his own opinion, but not to his own facts.” Senator Daniel Patrick Moynihan (D-NY)
*****
Ugh. Such a prick.
I had to explain to STBX that although his name was still on the mortgage, he chose to move out. He was only a landlord now. Landlords have to give 24 hours notice and still knock before entering.
He was not happy and threatened to break in if I tried to keep him out or change the locks. However, he was better about knocking and giving me advance notice after I got my lawyer involved.
Yay for lawyers! Isn’t it amazing how the cheater backs down when the lawyer gets involved. Worth every penny, imo.
“So be it.” The tagline of pomposity.
Adelante: hahaha! So true!
Yup, I get these”you refuse to be a normal, respectful co-parent — our kids are the ones who suffer” missives all the time. Still. And always as a “last word on the matter.”
Freaks always seek to shame others.
Yep, I’m not normal, I’m the worst co-parent in the world, I’m putting our children through unknown suffering in front of God and everyone, I’m shameless, I’m brazen, I’m the one failure out of 8 million coparents around the world, it’s disgusting how I use the children in my machinations against him…blah blah blah…parental alienation…blah blah blah.
And I lol’d at your “last word on the matter” – I’ve gotten those exact words MANY times.
Yeah um dealing with a cheater means you are dealing with a narcissist. In which case co-parenting is not really the goal– rather parallel parenting is the goal.
My ex still insists that he wants to co-parent. he wants to go to counseling together so that we can parent better together. Blah blah. No thanks!! I don’t need his help and the children are not in grave danger during his parenting time. I am getting along just fine with the help of my own therapist and the decisions I am making, alone, as a mother.
I got told that I was “collateral damage”. A fancy way of saying not cared for or respected enough!
That’s terribly cruel. I hope you’re free now.
So much word salad was thrown around that it’s difficult to pick. But here are two of the top ten, with a little bit of context.
1) In the first few months after D-Day I (like all Chumps) was in a terrible state, unable to eat or sleep. I was told that my pain was visible, and that it created an ‘existential paradox’ for Cheater. ‘I see how much you’re suffering and I’m sorry about that. I know that what I’m doing is causing the suffering, but I’m having fun doing what I’m doing.’
2) I went away for a weekend with our kid, and before I left I begged Cheater, literally on my knees (I know, I know, but I was a different person then) not to have AP visit while we were gone. He gave me his word. When I returned and found some very squalid evidence of her stay, Cheater said ‘My word is valid only at the moment in which it is given.’
More evidence that he is an ABUSER. I am so sorry you went through this, growingwingsagain, I heard the same bullshit. I also got on my knees (I did, acutally, do this) and fawned over him trying to get him back. He would tell me what a great person I am and then tell me about his relationship with the AP. WTF??? WTF???. Now I know, just an abuser – plain and simple – he only wants to use me and hurt me.
‘My word is valid only at the moment in which it is given.’
????????????
That reminds me. Mine said, “Tell me that I’m a pathological liar to my face because then you’ll be lying.” hahaha.
Most of you are too young to remember Nixon’s press secretary Ron Ziegler, but he used an all time great excuse when caught lying:
“My previous statement is inoperative.”
XH (text): “I’m sorry it’s all come to this. I didn’t want it to.”
Alice (text): “I have nothing to say to you XH”
XH (text): “Well again I’m sorry”
Alice (text): no response
To summarize: These texts were sent the night before our final meeting with lawyers. I don’t know why he had the need to send me these things, it doesn’t really matter. It took a lot not to respond to him, I badly wanted to say “take your sorry and go Fu*k yourself!”
Way to go, Alice!!????
Thanks 😉
Well done, you.
Thankyou! 🙂
After finding out that my cheater had done the one thing I asked him not to do and brought our kids around his affair partner (my former friend) while we were still married, I went off on him about what kind of example he was setting for our kids. His response? “They’ll understand that life is nuanced.” WTF
Finding out that his kids knew about her for a year or so and met her – this is what hurts me most. The triangulation is so typical – but to use children to do this is so low. I look back at all the parentification that went on between him and his kids – it is just so sick. Those poor kids. How DARE he put the children in that position where they have to lie?? Oh yeah, his children are his only “friends”. It is just a matter of time before they figure out he is not their friend and he never was – what a shitty parent.
You have no idea what men want….
When I asked him to explain I was told that I should know.
After discard… after introducing our 9yo to the OW and her kids… he came over so we could discuss divorce… he brought two bottles of wine and a movie to watch and said, “wouldn’t it be romantic if we fell in love again after the divorce and got remarried…”
That was my moment of clarity and conviction to the idea that I was married to (and going to divorce) someone with NPD (narcissistic personality disorder). I was gobsmacked. (Or Godsmacked!)
What a lunatic!
UGH Why do they do this!!!???!!!!
My XH still thinks to this day we are eventually going to end up together. It’s beyond disgusting!
Let’s see. There’s so many contestants.
ME: I have vaginal trichomoniasis (STI). Here’s the treatment, a pill. You need to stop drinking alcohol for awhile after taking this. The pill acts like anti abuse. You should notify any sexual partners.
HIM: I don’t understand how that happened (STI). We are so careful with sex.
ME: (STI from someone else. I’m monogamous. Apparently you are not.)
HIM: Why won’t you JUST GET OVER IT!
RIC THERAPIST: Yeah chickenchump, why don’t you?
ME: ????????????????( CL is right. Don’t waste your time putting your head in the blender!)
Here’s 2 doozies
@Chickenchump – wow – I am so sorry you had to go through this. I hope there are no long lasting effects from the STI. Vaginal trichomoniasis can have some serious health implications if not taken care of. God, they just can’t be honest and are so delusional. WTF? Maybe if he ignores it, it will go away! Stop drinking alcohol??? Tell a sex partner??? Be honest??? What a dope. I trusted a dope, too.
UGh. Well Not week
It was a long time ago. I noticed itching and discharge. I went to the doctor because I knew something was wrong but had no clue what. Doctor looks at me like I should have known what was wrong. Nope, I’m clueless and this was pre Internet. Life was more easy to dupe you as a chump. I was truly trusting him and his lies. He was already doing DARVO. ????♀️My FOO trained me week to accept this and push my needs aside.
“I DID NOT cheat on you sexually”.. but he filed for divorce immediately when I discovered his texting ways with the skank across the street from us.
It reminded me so much of bill Clinton not having sexual relations with that woman
Me ‘is there someone else.?’ I really didn’t think there was.
Him ‘I an NOT having an affair’
Me ‘of course you’re not’
My XH tried to use this explanation w/ his 1st affair. It’s seriously so pathetic.
My favorite was when he told our priest ‘it hurt when I ejaculated with OW.’ The priest told me to separate from him after that.
I love that priest.
I can’t believe he said that to a priest!?!?!
Even the priest knew he was lying! Orgasms don’t come with “hurt” when they are happening.
I confronted then H about his affair and told him we were going to a counselor the next day. He told me and the counselor he wanted a divorce and said to the counselor in his sincere, ever-so-concerned way:
“Attorneys are expensive and I’d like to save Dude-ette money. Could you handle the finances of the divorce?”
(Thank you for showing your hand, concerned husband. You’ve just confirmed you’re trying to screw me over)
My response: “I don’t hire accountants to clean my teeth.”
Love your response!
My XH was stressed about the divorce & legal fees too. I kept telling him I’d request he pay my legal fees if he didn’t give me what I wanted. It worked haha
Does this qualify?
Then-Wife to mediator:
“I refuse to relinquish access to the Joint Bank Account; LFTT is incapable of managing the family finances and so, even though I have left him and the kids, I need to control the money so that he doesn’t f*ck everything up and default on the mortgage, school fees, mobile phones and supporting our eldest daughter at university.”
Mediator to then-Wife:
“But only LFTT’s pay goes into the Joint Bank Account …. and you completely emptied it last week. He doesn’t get paid for another month. If LFTT doesn’t borrow a lot of money very quickly then the mortgage, school fees, mobile phones and supporting your eldest daughter at university will all go into default ….. and it will be your fault not his.”
Then-Wife to mediator:
“If LFTT borrows money then I am entitled to half of it.”
Mediator to then-Wife:
“So LFTT now has to borrow twice as much money as he needs to meet family commitments because you believe that you are entitled to your cut?”
Then-Wife to mediator:
“Yes.”
Plot spoiler #1 – Our mediation did not last much longer. Our mediator refused to speak to her anymore.
Your XW and my XH should get together. They sound like a perfect match…..
????
VH,
I am not sure that I could wish my ex-wife on anyone except for her AP; she really is that bad.
I am pretty confident she will do a great job of spending his money and making him miserable and he’s been married twice and has form for cheating. I don’t have to get even with them, because I know they’ll do it to each other all on their own; I’ll just sit here with my popcorn!
As Napoleon said “Never interrupt your enemy when he is making a mistake.”
LFTT
LFFT – I love this! Thank you!
Peregrine.
You are welcome. I would also add “taking a reasonable, logical and rational approach to negotiations with a lunatic gets you nowhere but frustrated” ….. but that’s one of mine rather than anyone more august.
LFTT
haha! Yes! My sister came up with this one: You can’t figure out crazy with logic, because… it’s crazy! I remind myself of this when I am trying to figure out crazy – pointless endeavor.
LFTT,
That quote by Napoleon is FRAMED in my house! It’s my go-to reminder to stand down.
Vulcan mind meld!!
Absolutely.
My divorce cost me a lot but was worth every penny. The kids and I are doing great and I am cooking for my two daughters right now.
My ex-wife’s life is a dumpster fire; she lit it …… let’s see her mind-f*ck her way out of it. I for one won’t be listening.
🙂
“I’d move into the house and deal with it’s needs. You’d find and go somewhere that will alleviate you of all the negativity that being there likely burdens you with. We could take the current applicable bills out of your sight, and ensure you have what you need for your monthly doings. (I know there are many layers of details beyond this that need to be worked out. But, this is just an overview of an approach to a way forward, sans details of equitable division of stuff, etc.)
If I’m way out of whack with this line of thinking, please forgive me. I’ll re-calibrate myself and will try to find another direction. I’m going out on a limb by running this thought by you, and I’ll take my lumps from you because of it if that’s what happens. But, I’m thinking the house may not be a happy place for you. And, believe it or not, that matters to me.“
………..Seems innocent enough on the surface, and not as threatening as his later emails. This is before he found out that we had found his cache in the garage. Secret life for 15 years. I think he had come to the realization that his lifestyle was going to change drastically. He’d failed to come home from a business trip 4 months earlier. Was “living on the boat”( with Schmoopie, and her divorce was not going well…..he was having to sneak into her house at night.) Right……..why don’t I move out of my home, a beautiful 5 bedroom (though needing repair) place that is still our college aged kids landing spot, and just let him take over. I did wind up selling the house, but AFTER I repaired and sold it on my terms. The kids said they never wanted him back in that house. And I finally realized he didn’t give a shit about my happiness, it was all fake.
But wait….there’s more!
Last January, which would be two and a half years since he left, when discussing with my requested neutral third party, the solution to discovering a year ago that he had hidden six figures in cash from me (minimum) over the twenty year marriage….
“You know, I talked to a lawyer who said I have a good case against you for misuse of money during our marriage. Clearly you were not acting in the best interests of our family.”
I think this might be the winning entry in our contest today, if I do say so myself.
The insanity continues….
That does sound like a winner. What is painful is we remember this shit like it was yesterday. Sadly, until my 9 yo is 18, I will have to keep listening to the BS for 9 more years.
Right after DDay,
“she helped me with my ED” (some underground quack doctor that sells highly potent viagra)
“She is my friend, you have friends”
“I can talk to her about anything”
My only response, also a friend that is helping you get divorced!
My favorite, he has another flavor now and sees “his friend” on the side. They got into a big fight and the flavor left the house(my daughter told me because she was scared). The flavor came back the next evening and he and “his friend” are snuggled on the bed. Can’t believe the flavor took him back. Oh wait, sadly, yes I can.
(And yes, addressing this poor behavior in front of our young daughter in court soon)
That’s going to be very hard on your daughter to have to hear, I know it will be hard for you too.
How’s this? An email I received after he punched me in the head.
“I am also disappointed you threatened to call 911 on me and picked a fight with me after I went to two ballet performances, a party and bought dinner for eight people. That was unfair.”
OT…….my submission is in moderation…..did I do something wrong or does that just happen? I made a post a few days ago that never showed up, is that related?
This one is even better. I left after him and filed after finding his car parked a block from her house.
I happened to have the key to said car so I drove it to her house, parked it in front and set off the car alarm. Not proud of it, but I was pissed.
This is a small excerpt from an email he sent the next day.
“Your conduct this week follows a weekend where I showed real generosity and support for you. I have noticed a pattern that when I do so, it is immediately followed by an incident. You should ask yourself whether my car was left where it would be found. You also know I did not come out of the house in question, and that the car alarm, from what I was told, rang for 10 minutes. You are lucky the police were not called. Your decision not to respond to my repeated calls is unfortunate.”
Wormfree – haha! I love that you did this! Did he write this, or did the AP write this? I am sure she had some part in composing it. I noticed that my XSO would send VERY long text messages telling me how awful I am when he was with the AP. I just deleted them when I saw they were over two sentences, because he is not capable of thinking beyond two sentences – she dictated the messages. What a whimp. That AP is a real sicko – part of her thrill with him was abusing me!
Peregrine, I’m sure he wrote it but he may have gotten her opinion. He loved textual diatribes. Most of them were a litany of my failures and what I was required to do to keep him in my life.
Ugh, what the hell was I thinking?
Lucky me, they both did me a favor. I now have a doting husband who treats me like a princess! All I had to do was let go….
I hope you don’t have to deal with their nonsense anymore!
Wormfree, no, I don’t have to deal with them. I am living on my own in no contact for just about three months. It was a three year relationship, so I am told I will be over the worst of it soon. Not married, so I don’t have to drag it out – I just left. Still, I find myself going over the arguments with that idiot and the hurtful things he said during the relationship and then the truly mean things in the final discard stages and what I found in my snooping endeavors. The AP is a truly sick and cruel person – so is he. I’m out. Just healing. I am so glad you have a husband who treats you like the beautiful princess you are! Yes, letting go is key – I know this – this is not my first rodeo. Still, this was a whole other level of insanity I did not expect from a 52 year old man. “sigh” yeah, what was I thinking? who cares??
It gets better Peregrine, it really does! Your mind movies will lessen with time. The trick is not to fall for the same crap again!
Wormfree – I think my STBX could have wordsmithed that email. My best friend has nick named him ‘Captain Condescension’.
“Your behavior on Thursday and Friday was unacceptable. Please try to stay more respectful and professional should we have to deal with each other in the future”.
What did I do you may be wondering? I argued and threw his bullshit back in his face, which I never used to do when I was the loving unsuspecting wife.
Translation “How dare you reinforce your reasonable boundaries against me”.
All the eye-rolls go right here.
They are so unoriginal. Treating us like employees…..it’s sickening.
Yes, these beasts sit up on their high horses, talking down to us. There is nothing like being lectured and ‘shamed’ by a despicable POS. Every encounter is a chance for them to further abuse us.
@Wormfree, I wish I could have been there when the car alarm went off Lol!
Brilliant move. CN is so creative! Wish he had called the police!
I wish he had as well, but since he’s deep into politics there is no way he would have.
What was he going to say? My wife set off my car alarm?
Before he found a new replacement, he was looking, because he said something so baffling at the time: “I will always have the memory of a beautiful twenty-five year old girlfriend named WeAreTheChumpions for the rest of my life.” It kind of sealed the feeling I’d had that I was just a “thing” to him, and gave me an inkling he was out the door. He had filled me full of promises of forever love, marriage and and a baby carriage. A real liar and future faker. Kept me on a leash right up to the day he met the fake blond with fake boobs. Had to keep that sex gravy train coming, I guess. I got ahold of her and warned her. Just made me look crazy, but she must have kept it in the back of her mind because she dumped him a few years later, and he was finishing a prestigious degree that would bring in a lot of money, which in her world was a big deal and motivating factor for poaching men. He eventually married another (fake) bottle blond with better credentials who makes him look good, which of couse is all that matters. I was quirky, adventurous, arty, and hard to define. I guess Stepford wife got boring, because a few decades later he found me on a pinboard site and started sending me pinup type photos of women with nice asses (blond, of course) his way of reminding me what he felt was the most important thing going on between us: my nice ass. I didn’t resond, so then he realized maybe their blond hair was turning me off, considering he loved blonds and left me for one, so then he started sending the same type of photos of women with long dark hair and blue eyes, like me. Nevermind that we are both married. What an “ass.” I will never stop feeling stupid for getting involved with someone like that. Pinned some photos of ugly pigs and sent them to him, along with a list of reasons why he is a disgusting human being. He was quiet and “sensitive” (funny how that only gets to work one way) and I know his buttons, so I’m sure it really got to him, because all his social media dissapeared. I assured him I had no good memories of him. I know we’re supposed to grey rock these people, but I’ll be damned if he’s going to replay movies of “the beautiful twenty-five year old girl” and her ass in his head. He doesn’t get to own any part of me.
One of the things he told me was that I was too perfect, like a Stepford wife. I hate him.
It’s like they have to find SOMETHING, ANYTHING to justify leaving us. “Too perfect” is really reaching, because he doesn’t have anything else to accuse you of. It’s easy to read betwen the lines that he’s admitting you’re such a great wife that he can’t come up with an excuse for leaving you. Every insult or “reason” can be very revealing. Mine told me I walked like a slut, while HE was being the slut, not me, and he left me for a slutty woman. I didn’t have a slutty bone in my body. and he knew it. Obviously projection. In your case it seems he couldn’t live up to who you were and he felt less than. Surely he left you for a huge downgrade.
So true. They do dig deep for rationalizations, don’t they?
One lame reason my ex gave is that he didn’t like the joke I told about how if I die I want to come back as his bitch (meaning a female dog).
I said this because he really did treat our dog VERY well–tempurpedic dog bed, never kennelling etc…!!! And he hyperidentified with the dog. So when his own back was hurting, he attributed the pain to the dog as well. I’m sure this is all diagnosible.
So, I got canned in part because of a bad joke (which I honestly still think is kind of funny).
It’s really funny! A common theme with these sub-humans is that they have no sense of humor unless it’s some sort of put down directed at someone else. They certainly have no tolerance when gently teased, as lovers should be able to do with each other. Mine has a three year-old’s sense of humor when it came to someone else suffering. Even laughed at people falling down or getting hurt.
Yes!!!!! Cruel.
Thanks for this. Yeah, I’m doing ok. He did send a 5 pager of my flaws later on to his family. All the things he used to admire somehow turned into a negative trait. Rewrite of 13 years, and a lot of fluff. I didn’t bother to respond. His family bought into that as well. So I trust they they all suck.
I hate him , too! Just remember – they do anything to hurt and abuse us, especially during the final stages of discard. Hmm… too perfect? Sounds like you are doing A OK.
XH cheated on me the 3rd time with a fake blonde (her hair was fried), who wore a pound of makeup, who was two years older than me and looked orange with her fake tan. She was a huge downgrade from me, so I just laughed when I saw a pic of her.
I agree, I know we are supposed to grey rock but if I ever hear from him again in any shape or form in relation to “us” I’ll tell him what a loser he is.
Fake men with fake values seem to always go for fake women. Their adolescent fantasies of women seem to rule their choices, and they think other people will envy them with their new blow-up doll. “Every guy wants that, right?” is their thinking. They dump women who really love them for phony users like themselves. Doesn’t play well long term. I am in my early 60s now. I would tell any younger chump to just wait, the karma train always pulls into the station. Revenge is a dish best eaten cold. I just love frozen desserts.
WeAreTheChumpions- thank you, I need to remind myself of this. I have seen the karma train arrive for many awful people in my life. I am tempted to act out, though. Your good advice will help me be patient.
Besides that guy, I saw the karma train pull into the station with a narc sibling decades after trying to destroy me (been no contact since) but heard about it from others. NEVER thought of t would happen. Super successful, powerful person, etc. Many years ago right after the devestataion, my old-soul young husband told me to wait, that eventually everything eould come out in the wash–it always does. It did, just like he said it would. We quitely sat back and ate our frozen dessert.
Wish there was a book written about real life stories where the cheater gets their karma. It would be so satisfying.
Yes please! Even before I was chumped I would have gladly bought and read this book, and the sequels that follows.
Should be required reading before marriage. Problem is cheaters never answer the types of questionnaires that authors use to gather the info. etc.
and I bet they don’t even see themselves.
Oh yes sequels would be a must!
I’d prob re-read them over and over again lol
It sure would.
I never really got an explanation, just all the things I did wrong but he wrote a letter to our teens explaining “In life one strives to be happy because there are no dress rehearsals in life. You only get one life.” So he left to be with “his friend” who he has now bought a house with and living with her teens and hardly talked or seen to our kids in three years, but I guess this how you work on making the best of his one and only life.
Yes screw every one else over and cause them tremendous hurt and pain and suffering because ones “happiness” is more important than anything else. Lie cheat and steal for “happiness”. Great message for the kids. Jerk.
I don’t get it. It’s always about ‘happiness’ even when no expression of unhappiness was ever voiced. How happy can you be living with someone else’s teens – under these circumstances? I just can’t imagine it’s a fun fest.
“Lying is an instinct to me. I want to be with someone for whom honesty isn’t as important.” At least his grammar was decent?
Haha. He does get points for “for whom.”????
Me ‘you really are a good liar’
Him reflecting ‘oh, I never thought I was much good at lying’
Like that is the point.
And yet he could not write the direct statement: “I am an instinctual liar.” Or “I lie instinctually.”
WTF?
The only person who won’t value honesty is someone who also won’t be honest with him. Hope he gets what he wishes for.
Just wow. At least he admits your honesty and integrity are too much for him. Probably looking for someone stupid enough to believe his lies long term, this time.
“When you said cheating was a deal breaker and would be then end of the marriage I thought you were just being mean to me”
Lol, mine complained to my brother that I said mean things to him (during wreckonciliation).
“Proof and honesty…..I am trying to be as honest with you as I can. There have been occasions where I tell you something different to avoid an argument. I can see now that it’s not worth the avoidance.”
???LMAO
Cheater: “I’ve felt so alone for years.”
Me: “Oh you mean the last four years when I went back to school to earn a JD/Masters/law license while taking care of our home and our 4 children? It might have been nice if you had occasionally showed up for a school event or perhaps mowed the lawn once or twice.”
Cheater: (after telling me he wanted a divorce so he could be with his 20 year younger AP whom he had only met 2 weeks before while on a trip to another country) “I didn’t actually cheat on you. AP and I had a deep spiritual connection.”
Me: “Is that what they call it now?”
Cheater: “I want a new wife and new children.”
Me: I didn’t honestly have a comeback to this one. After 16 years of marriage and 4 kids who had always been “my job” according to him, I had to walk away before punching him in his fat face.
“Work on youself.” What a pompus, patronizing ass.
Sorry, meant that for the second post
He said, ” I don’t even see why you’re mad, she was just a friend somebody I knew.” This was after proudly admitting he and OW had unprotected oral and vaginal sex for 15 years. Cognitive dissonance ?????
As told to adult daughter in an effort to avoid saying the vile truth.
He says “ I have been unfaithful to your mother but I am not in a relationship.“
He just had paid relationships with sex workers for 20 years.
This is appropriate because I just got a huge email from the Stupid One that he has excellent morals. So apparently in Delusional Land, lying and cheating for years does not negatively effect one’s morals. Because WORDS are what I’m supposed to focus on in his mind, forget those pesky ACTIONS.
Never mind, these guys get to make up word definitions. In that case, use your awesome morals to give me a divorce settlement in my favor.
“If a man wants an open marriage a wife should just give him one.”
“She (affair partner) can just move in and we can be one Happy Family.”
“I never wanted to marry you, my mom liked you.” (Married over 15 years)
“You chose your family over me (after I filed for divorce)” Then to my dad ” All you care about is your daughter broken heart.” followed with “You can keep paying the water bill.”
“I wanted to divorce you while you were pregnant with our youngest; but I would look like shit.”
“We can’t see a marriage counselor to work on our marriage; they would tell me I am wrong.”
Before Divorce – EX: “I have no feelings for anyone.” Me?The Kids? EX: “No” After Divorce EX to the kids ” I am the only person on this planet that loves you.” and “Your Mom only cares about money (unpaid dentist and doctor bills).”
The latest word salad “I am Iron Man and Your mother is Pepper Potts.” ROFL
Grey Rock and Minimal Contact- I will be partying eternally on my youngest 18th birthday!