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Be Your Own UBT

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The Universal Bullshit Translator bursts its sockets with pride to think it has spawned a multitude of other UBTs. You see them on the CN boards, or the comments here — hey, translate this! And a new army of snarky bullshit translators are on the job.

Your Friday Challenge is to shred some word salad and introduce your UBT. Got a drunken text? Some Stupid Shit your cheater said? A vapid listicle on being friends with your ex? Decode it for us.

Extra points if you share what motivates your UBT — cookies? Songs of praise? How do you maintain it? Does the original UBT have any grandchildren? Did your UBT spawn some other baby UBTs?

I love you, but I’m not in love with you.

You don’t love me.

The UBT needs a cookie now and a rub down.

TGIF!

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Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • “She does what I tell her to!” Referring to Howorker. My response, “She supposed to do what you tell her to! She’s an employee!”

    Looking back, I now realize their relationship is another abusive relationship in the making.

    • Cheaters (and narcs) love their power imbalance. From keeping their chump in the dark and their duper’s delight to having OW dance to be picked. It’s all about the power imbalance, which only underscores how futile it is to try to have a partnership with them since there’s no reciprocity.

    • Same with mine, she was his direct report. He was not only scrambling to fix his adulterous image, he was fighting to save his job. He could have easily gotten fired, but lucky for him he was in tight with the mayor, and the mayor was as big of a mess as he was. He only got demoted and put back out on street patrol. He an the other Police Officer who was humping a female cop, who later married the mayor.

      God that PD was a cesspool of slime. Probably still is. Those of us chumps who escaped it are so fortunate.

  • “It is only a problem if you make it a problem.”
    IT IS A PROBLEM.
    “I haven’t been happy for a long time.”
    I AM THE ONLY ONE WHO MATTERS HERE. LETS TALK ABOUT MY HAPPINESS. I’M NOT HAPPY THAT YOU UNCOVERED MY AFFAIR.

    Dear UBT, you inspire me. I stand as apprentice to your transponders, your snarky wisdom. I say to myself, “Self, what would the UBT think of that clearly bullshit ridden commentary?”. Then I am liberated from my chumpy gullibility.

    I am deeply grateful. Thank you dear UBT. I raise a lebkucken in your honor.

    • Haha, I think it would be a fun new tradition if all chumps had lebkucken at some point in the year, either on a D-Day anniversary or their old Wedding anniversary, or for holidays just as a little inside joke to ourselves. It could become a new tradition, that later historians would look back and find that it originated with the UBT. Just a thought!

      • Tracy’s first post was April 19th, 2012. I nominate April 19th as the anniversary to honor CL, the UBT, and CN. Either that or the release date of LACGAL.

        • “I never intended to hurt you.”

          UBT: I never intended for you to find out.

          “At some point in our marriage, you stopped taking care of me.”

          UBT: At some point in our marriage, i.e., after we had 2 kids, you stopped giving me 100% of your attention. And I need 100% of your (and everyone else’s) attention, all the time.

        • April 19th is the perfect date to celebrate CL and her “Leave a Cheater Gain a Life” mantra. April 19th is celebrated as “Patriot’s Day” in Massachusetts and the beginning of the American Revolution… think Paul Revere’s ride and the “shot heard round the world” at the Battle of Lexington and Concord. (My apologies to fellow chumps in England). CL certainly began our Chump Revolution with the beginning of this blog and her message of hope for all chumps “round the world.”

        • Ok, I never finished responding to last Friday’s post, but now that I’ve seen this, I have to comment. How did I miss that Tracy became CL on both my father’s birthday (unfortunately, he’s been dead for 31 years this month), which is also the same day the FW XW officially moved out of what was then our house and home (now mine only), and moved in, literally a half mile down the street, to be w/her POS loverboy and soon to be former boss (who was, say it w/me, 15 yo than her and much richer than either me or the FW XW. You know, a clear cliche for any married woman to show she is lacking a moral compass. Not to mention what it says about her similarly married AP).

          She was fired slowly, w/a few months to find another job (all the while, unable to understand why this had to happen to her, or why her soon-to-be former colleagues were treating her differently. But yet, admitting that she and her AP had agreed that she would take the fall for all of this professionally.🤦‍♂️), while her AP got to stay on as head of our state’s college system, only to lose his job 3 years later for a selfish douche-move that royally pissed off many in our state and that got him to be the recurring topic of discussion on our local NPR station for about two weeks last March/April, until the board of the college system finally accepted/pressured him for his resignation (while still singing the sparkly turd’s praises. Ugh.).

          So, to tie last week’s Friday challenge together w/this one’s, one of the stupid shit things the FW XW said on D-day that took my UBT awhile to figure out and respond to in my head and heart was, “I had to know if I could make the leap.” That was one of her big excuse’s for having the affair. After over a year, still in shock at what this fuckwit (that had started off in high school as being my friend) had done to me, our marriage and our family, I’d finally figured out my response to that.

          Which was, it’s the easiest thing in the world to take the leap she did. To betray the trust of your marriage partner in such a deceptive and shitty way when it’s fully revealed. That is, if you are of such shitty character and/or have a personality disorder to begin with, and never took your vows and commitment seriously. Because I think we’re all guilty in marriages and partnerships of not being perfect to our partners, and many times fall far short. But infidelity crosses a hard line, that you can’t come back from.

          I think that’s why it’s long been viewed in many societies as a completely reprehensible act. You can come back from some other offenses in your marriage and/or partnerships. But to anyone w/an ounce of respect for themselves, they will not long tolerate a spouse or partner that commits that intentional act of emotional, psychological and possibly physical abuse that is infidelity. It’s at least a double threat to your spouse or partner, and possibly a triple threat. All in one selfish stroke. It’s really hard to come back from that.

          Trust that they suck. Always. Live long and prosper, CN.

        • So, then maybe go with when CL announced LACGAL, which was May 10, 2016. In my opinion, the UBT deserves 2 dates of honor. That way, everyone gets to eat even more lebkucken.

  • Exit reason… 1 of many:

    Do you remember the one thing I wanted to do it Disney? I wanted to have a glass of wine at Disney park. You didn’t remind me I never put myself first.

    UBT: I know I’m a piece of s*** husband who lied and gaslighted you for 5 years. I can’t admit that though so I’m going to do everything in my power to blame you for everything that’s going on right now.

    **That 1 line cost me 6 weeks in therapy blaming myself for the “if only”

    • Ugh, those “if onlys” cheaters leave behind are radioactive turds. Chumps tend to be conscientious and take these things to heart and cheaters know this. More blame-shifting. I’m still working through his “if only” parting gifts in therapy too.

      • I was “lucky” to get so many different (and mutually contradictory) explanations of why it was all my fault that I pretty quickly realized that it wasn’t about me at all. I can’t even remember all of them any more, though at the time I kept an extensive list in a journal so I could keep track of them.

        • Georgian

          You were not the only one😂😂😂
          It feels good when the realization hits our brain and heart and we KNOW ( regardless of the bs coming our way)that it was Not about us.
          Ex:
          I was too caring- I wasn’t caring enough
          I wanted sex all the time- I didn’t want to have sex
          The list goes on

        • Same here. It was that, no it was this, no I just lied to make you hate me. I mentioned before, but I honestly think these fuckwits don’t remember anything they said, they are just flailing in the moment.

      • >radioactive turds

        Brilliant phrase!! They have this gift for evil mind bombs quite aside from playing on our conscientiousness. So many mind bombs to clear out now that I understand…

        When we broke up, I asked him to help drop off me and some of my things at a fleabag hotel (where I saved up enough money to move into a good apartment complex within a couple of months). I figure everything is over, and he’ll just drop off my stuff and leave. I thought it was decency motivating him to drop off my stuff so it wouldn’t drag out. Instead he’s outraged that we’re not having dinner!? What?! I thought he hated me, and we’re severing ties!? So I told him I’d already agreed to eat with one of my new neighbors at the nearby burger joint & bar. Welcome wagon, to hear about my new neighborhood. So he makes this big deal that I was some sleazy whore who was having dinner with a “dirtbag” when I clearly owed him ??? dinner??? I blamed myself for not being able to explain it better or that I should have known what he expected. No regrets about sparing myself one last dinner with him. It felt so good to write my view of that situation.

        Later, I’d realize how he controlled me with those “sleeze” accusations since I reacted by going an extra mile to be without reproach. Also, irrational sexual jealousy was big red flag I never recognized until too late. In hindsight, I see that I handled a rough financial break up rather well then. Finally, I see what always outraged him was when I offended his sense of superiority. He had to knock me down then. Then he had to go NC with me as I just kept excelling without him dragging me down.

  • Before I found out about the Owhore he told a friend “I’m not leaving my wife, I’m just having FUN”.

    The affair was going on for 2 1/2 years and while they were having a good time.. I was getting Irritable Bowel
    Syndrome with severe nervous collapse. Still with me today years later.

      • Free Woman

        Yes our bodies do know and react to the extreme stress. I wish all of us here at CN find peace, health
        and understanding that is was never our fault.
        We chose the wrong spouse/bf who are morally corrupt.

        Thank you for the kind words. 😊

        • “ the body keeps the score” is an amazing book
          The body know, the stress is there- that’s why so many of us ends up with a health issues:
          Migraine, infections, join pains, constant exhaustion- now I know the reason

    • Our bodies know. Shortly after he started his affair, I had my first bout of anaphylaxis related to a strange condition called “Mast Cell Activation Syndrome”. Stress is an absolute trigger for this strange condition. I was being gas-lighted, abused, and subjected to strange new flora being introduced into my system.

      One of the very first things he said after telling me All About His Double Life, 7 years after it started, was how my illness was in NO WAY related to his affair(s). I hadn’t even brought it up.

      So the UBT says, “I am far too splendid in my own estimation to ever be held accountable for anything tangibly negative that happened to you as a result of my behavior.” We won’t discuss the HPV diagnosis.

      • Yes! Weird dermitis on face, then shingles, then jaw pain and couldnt open mouth. In the 7 months since d-day I havent been sick once. Even with the grief and lack of sleep. Not even a cold.

      • Interesting. I developed food allergies and low thyroid precisely at the same time as his cheating started. I was sick for 13 years. When he told me how long he’d been cheating I was amazed that it was the exact same timeframe. In hindsight I think it was because the hard core gas lighting started then so he could hide his cheating. My body knew something that I didn’t!

    • I developed a terrible cough! Out of the blue I would start coughing, coughing hard enough that I would throw up and break blood vessels in my eyes. Went through days and days of testing and they found nothing. As soon as he left, it disappeared. So strange, but my body knew what I tried to spackle for so long.

  • “If it had been a two-week affair or a two and a half year affair, it wouldn’t have mattered. You never would have forgiven me.” (note: it was 2 1/2 years)

    UBT: “Tag. You’re it!”

    UBT is satisfied with a quick pet for this one. Too easy.

  • “You decorated the lounge at a time that was inconvenient to me because I was so busy at work”

    You weren’t busy at work. You were shagging one of your customers. I meanwhile was working in ICU as a nurse on the frontline in a global pandemic. I’ve been such an amazing wife, I actually feel positive that ‘decorating the lounge’ was my worst offence.

    • Yeah. It’s impressive that he could only come up with “decorating the lounge.” So lame! Even the UBT is bored.

      By the way, thanks for all your work as an ICU nurse.

  • “I needed to go on secret cruise with my GF from 20 years ago to see if I still loved her.”

    UBT- After 20 years and two kids with me, I guess that means you don’t love me. bye-bye.

    UBT needs chocolate and wine to get through this muck.

  • (From my cheating 43-year-old ex-wife and mother of our two sons about one of several APs she met online playing video games): “When I’m with him, it’s like life on easy mode.”

    Translation: “He doesn’t hold me to any standards (e.g., fidelity, honesty, responsibility), and when I’m with him I don’ t have to help sort out any issues related to kids, aging parents, running a home, or finances.” Eventually I figured out that anyone who resents adulting isn’t marriage material.

    • I was married to a perpetual child, as well. It SUCKED. He wouldn’t even do our taxes, and after three years, I did them, caught them up, and was stuck with that job!
      Wish I would’ve realized, he wanted a caretaker, not a partner. It was so hard to be the only adult!

      • How are these fuckwits handling adult activities without us? (And by “adult” I don’t mean XXX. They have that area covered.)

        I derive some pleasure from picturing my x trying to figure out how to do the things I used to do or help him with. I’m not even that great with computers, but I was treated like the in-house IT expert. He called upon me to handle complicated technical issues like “how to attach a document to an email. ” haha. For a physician, he could be dumb as a stump about some things.

        And then of course, like many of you, I handled a long list of non-sexy tasks like taxes, bills, finances, property management etc….

        The biggest task of all was regulating my ex’s moods. That, unfortunately, was a full-time job. And when he made some socially awkward comment at a party, I helped tap dance him out of it. Ah, the chumpiness!

        Maybe schmoopie has stepped into my role nicely. She can have it. It’s a booby prize (aptly named).

        I’m free. Hurt and betrayed (still, gah!), but free.

        • This would be a great CN topic–would love to read about all the adulting and mommying we did for our fuckwits and how they’re managing to muddle through life without us.

        • They are handling “adult activities” by finding someone new to do them! After our separation, my ex-husband couldn’t keep the kids because work blah blah blah.. (He does not work on the weekends and certainly could have his kids). Now he is remarried he can keep them some… SHE keeps them. She cooks, cleans and raises his kids while they are there.

          I think most cheaters just replace, they never learn to adult.

          • My XH of 25 years is a partner at a big firm but claimed he didn’t know how (lie to avoid adulting) to do most adulting tasks has been with AP, who is in her 30s but literally less competent than my 12 year old— she doesn’t cook, clean, shop, pay bills, and has never lived away from her cheater father’s home. Good luck fuckers! Not my monkeys not my circus!

            I’m almost 6 years out and my significant other is a real Mench in every sense of the word. Thank God I seem to have learned something and improved my picker through all of the hell!

            • My husband is so much different than my cheater ex. In so many ways. But, I was with him for several years before marriage. We both wanted to be sure we knew each other.

          • They avoid adulting by finding a new mommy/daddy to do it for them. These people never grow up and couldn’t be on their own for nine minutes.

            • Indeed. My now Ex- H is still seeing his older married howorker. She’s only about 9 years younger than his mommy. Guess you got to get the narc supply from from whoever is willing to give it.

        • Yes, explaining to my ex how it’s not proper to defraud insurance companies, or feud with the neighbours, or make rude comments to family members. Thank the LORD that is in the past.

          He couldn’t even put the garbage out properly

      • My Ex couldn’t drive the Tax paperwork I prepared to the accountant. The accountant was only 8 minutes away but that was too much adulting! The funniest part was he tried to blame his affair on the fact that “we needed someone to take care of us”. I didn’t! He did; I am glad the burden of wiping his A** is his daddy’s problem and not mine anymore.

  • “I was tired of looking at new furniture.”

    UBT:
    “I’ve seen Lost in Translation and hyper identify with the Bill Murray character.”

    (Note: Once we were dividing assets, x seemed to want all that furniture.)

    It’s early. UBT lapped up the mimosa and has fallen back to sleep.

  • I do not wish to derail this conversation about the UBT, who has my everlasting admiration and who deserves all the lebkuchen it wants. But I would like to take a quick moment to thank CL and CN. I am the writer of Monday’s letter. I so appreciate all of the insights from both CL and CN. There was a lot that resonated in your stories and advice, especially about the need to control the uncontrollable. And the comment from Nemo that “The rock is a lump of coal. The poor drowning chump is convinced it’s a diamond. Or if they squeeze it hard enough, long enough, it will become a diamond.” Nailed it! In fact, enough nails in the response and comments to build a barn from the ground up!

    I’ll be there when my cousin is ready to gain her life, but will enforce my own boundaries around conversations about her relationship with the fuckwit. Thanks again, Chump Lady and Chump Nation. I wish everyone all the best.

    • All the best to you Chump’s Cousin. And to your cousin, when she finally drags herself out of that tar pit.

      All you can do is let her know there is a rope tied to a sturdy tree, toss it to her and go about your life. If you see she has grabbed on and is hauling herself out of the muck, feel free to encourage her. This can take the form of casseroles.

    • Sorry – a question for you. Did she respond after it was pointed out by another poster that if he is doing something shady with PP money, she could go down for it?

      I truly hope that scared her into giving up doing his books. Maybe it’s just me though. I look horrid in orange.

      • NSC, I definitely mentioned it to her and am also trying to find some additional info on my own re: any potential accountability she may have for his actions. If it looks like she could, in fact, have some personal liability, rest assured that I will force that issue. Thanks to Adelante for pointing out this issue!

        • You’re welcome! I have a friend who had to divorce her husband because she discovered he was running a shady scam and using her name, which put her in a legally vulnerable position. So it’s on my radar screen.

    • I too had my letter translated by the UBT and it was gold. I hadn’t laughed that hard in a long time. And all the comments from CN were platinum. It helped me to rise above the toxic clouds and see the forest from the fumes. Thank you CL and CN for being there.

      And here’s my UBT who just finished its pain au chocolat here in France, from the last email from Bubbleboy:
      “I do not know who can understand this « logic ». Distorted, biased, sad.”

      I do not understand how you continue to expect me to adult. This expectation is distorted, biased (because I simply can’t, I’m a manboy. Menboys need rights too, you can’t expect us to actually grow up and show up at the table, sheesh!), and sad. Cause I has a sad that you keep blowing my cover and ripping of my mask.

      Love you UBT, CN, and CL!

  • “cheating wasn’t the plan, but it opened up my eyes”

    UBT: my marriage and getting found out was not the plan, but I have deluded myself into believing that my shitty character and the consequences were good for me.

    • My favorite of all When I was struggling in the black hole of “why?”
      Exfu##ktard: “ you can’t put my Dick in your purse!”
      (What a nice thing to say to your wife of 20 years!)

      UBT. You can’t tell me what to do, no woman will ever. No marriage vow, no children, no life together.
      In fact I did what I wanted in my first marriage too, did what I wanted while overseas several years ago while married to you, now doing what I want with my coworker.
      I’m entitled to what I want.

  • So many to choose from!

    My favourite and the one that hurt me the most:

    ‘You make people feel very, very uncomfortable’

    UBT: I am a liar and a cheat. Your existence makes me and the OW feel very, very uncomfortable.

    Also:

    ‘We are holding each other back’

    UBT: You are holding me back from throwing OW across the bed and showing her the strength of my love for her with gusto while reciting poetry and reminiscing about when we went out together 28 years ago before I dumped her, twice’. This possibly doesn’t count because this is what they actually said to each other in the communication I found after he left.

    Not much to show for 26 years of being a partner and wife appliance!

    • Madge2, are we married to the same man? Mine reconnected on Facebook with ex-girlfriend from 28 years ago & within weeks drove over 1000 km during Covid travel bans to screw her.

      His excuse? “There’s always been an attraction between us, I needed to find out if it was still there.”

      Funny, never heard her mentioned in our 23 years together.

      • Wow I thought it was just me. My EXH connected with the woman he had an affair with 25 years ago on Facebook. They decided in 24 hours that he was moving 1,000 miles away for me and his then 14 year old son.

  • I think my favorite UBT was when a friend was crying on my porch and she actually took a call from the man who abused her and her children… and I UBT’d him to her, via text, while he was on speakerphone.

    Pretty sure she cracked from the inside out that evening. It was so clear.

    • The Grand UBT awards your personal UBT first prize for Extemporizing. It comes with chocolate chip cookies. Good work!

  • “You look beautiful as always. Love you both,” said or yelled by cheater xh as I drive away with my child at exchanges. Every time. 2 years post divorce.

    UBT: I will use this and every other interaction in the presence of the children to harass, image manage and subtly plant seeds of parental alienation for as long as we both shall live.

  • So many options to choose from, but here’s a good one:

    “I’m sorry we’re here.” (After d-day, during wreckonciliation)

    UBT: I’m not at all sorry for what I did. I’m sorry you are reacting to my selfish decisions so unreasonably, because it’s your reaction that matters here and you are being so unfair to me. You big meanie. Hurry up and get over it, so I don’t have to do any of the work of being remorseful myself. PS: This is all your fault.

  • Dear UBT,
    Your offspring are doing very well thanks to your talent for teaching analytical skills in such a hilarious way. Analytical skills are so important to detect cheaters and their bullshit (and bullshit in general).

    Not that CN is dumb. Our problem is that we are trusting and sincere and so spend our energy in what we think are honest, productive, diligent, prudent, loving, dreaming life strategies.

    But thanks to you, we now know that the line between honesty and crap can be very blurry because crap has this special glittery, pitiful, charming, raging compound that covers it up. And humor sees right through it. Like scientists say, when mass spectrometry came along there were no more secret formulas.

    The UBT has changed a lot in my life.

    Sparkledick and I are both 68. So when my son (who lives with sparkledick, unfortunately) tells me his father has been ranting that he is going to reconcile with me me I answer: “Son, your father is looking for a purse or a nurse. And that is not going to be me”.

    I picked up this little rhyme from a fellow chump here at CN. I don’t remember her name, but I hope she reads this. Every time I use this around older cheaters, their eyes open wide.

    • Yep, so many of the older ones are looking for a nurse and a purse because schmoopie sure as hell will be neither!

    • My mother taught me that line. I’m 66 (divorced at 64), and ever grateful that I will not be serving that function to my ex, who although he felt entitled to my care never felt the same obligation to me.

      • “Nurse and a purse.” Love it.

        These cheaters are so selfish. The older ones do want a nurse, purse, and, I would add, a good, viagra-fueled fuck. (Apologies fo wrecking the rhyme.)

        My 62 yo x chose an actual nurse as his schmoopie and told me she would take care of him when he has “spittle on [his] shirt.”

        Of course, it goes without saying that there’s no consideration of who will clean up *my* spittle…or hers for that matter. Oh wait. She’s 12 years younger. Unless they marry and divorce, she’s a nurse for life.

  • “You and my mom go to therapy more than anybody I know and you’re both still depressed as fuck! It doesn’t work!”

    UBT: I am the common denominator between the two depressed women who live with me. I’m going to blame you and claim therapy doesn’t work instead of consider my chronic disrespect of both of you.

  • “Before you move out here (cross country for his job), let’s talk – I kind of like living along, before you say anything – I am not having another affair”. (After 23 years of marriage, 1 affair 9 years before and six months of getting ready for the “move”). YES, HE WAS HAVING ANOTHER AFFAIR.

    “She hasn’t had sex in over a year” – AND YOU NEED TO MAKE IT RIGHT – FILL THAT HOLE IN HER LIFE?

    “She gave me cookies” – YOU DON’T EVEN LIKE COOKIES

    “I thought you’d take me back” – ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

    “I just want my friend back” – FUCK YOU – HUSBANDS/FRIENDS DON’T FUCK AROUND ON THEIR FAITHFUL WIVES. GO FRIEND YOUR WHORE-WORKER.

    Thank you – if felt good to write what fuckwit said and see – that I am now out of a very bad place. Fucking finally. Whew – happy Friday to everyone! Meh is coming… Now where is that Tuesday, I know it’s here somewhere….. =)

  • I have posted this entry from my journal before, but at the risk of boring everyone, I will post it again today. It’s just to perfect an opportunity to pass up!

    Here are my husband’s words and my interpretations.

    I love you but I’m not in love with you.
    (Ever since i gave myself permission to lust after and then fuck my old girlfriend from 45 years ago. Such a coincidence!) What? You think I should have put some love and effort into the marriage? What do you mean? I don’t understand.

    We grew apart.
    Sure we did. We grew apart after 32 years of marriage because I detached from you to justify pursuing the fuck woman. I treated you with such distain and contempt that you feebly tried to defend yourself, and then I could tell the whore that you were crazy, that we had ‘drifted apart.’

    I’ve been unhappy for 10 years. I’ve wanted to leave you for years.
    (Since that old gf slut started emailing me and slathering me with praise, and we decided to meet for coffee and then lunch, I’ve come to see how bad my life with you is! Such a crappy existence, having fun with friends and family, travelling, golfing, skiing, hiking. I never realized how rotten it all was until the whore got my dick to rise up! (But only for a short time) She smiles at me all the time and agrees with me all the time. We have so much in common from the 1970’s! We are so perfect together! We should never have broken up 45 years ago, even though we fought all the time and had totally different goals!

    She is my soul mate.
    (She is always happy to see me (like a dog) and is content seeing me for a two hour visit or fuck once a week or every two weeks as long as i message her a couple of times a day. I love how my wife is completely duped and I can send messages to my fuck mate while my wife and I watch tv together in the evening! Also it’s so great how my wife makes arrangements for dinners and outings on the weekends and I can pretend what a great family man I am!) (Whore, shut up! I’m busy on the weekends and can’t see you! I’m really trying to leave my wife but it’s so hard! I’m working on it!)

    We have nothing in common anymore.
    (You like shopping and i don’t. I like violent/action movies and you don’t. Those are the two main reasons I am leaving you…when it’s convenient for me to do so. Also you tidy the house before we have visitors. It’s criminal!
    Our 4 children, our many family holidays and gatherings, our travels together, our home, our friends… our skiing, hiking, golf, books….all non existent. Conveniently vanished from memory, or at least dimly remembered but who cares!)

    You would like the OW if you met her. She’s a good person.
    (She’s just like you except she’s had 3 husbands already plus a live in abusive boyfriend when her three girls were young. I would be the fifth or sixth partner but again, who cares if she’s cheating on her current husband. She says he’s boring!! She loves me now and I am so special!. I know you would get along so well.)

    We are two good people on different paths.
    (The cheating, lying, abusive path, vs the loyal spouse for 32 years path. I really am good, really. I’m good at lying now. I’m very good at deception and leading a double life. No one knows except the whore! She’s cheating on her husband too! How great is that! I am incredible! More than that, I am actually fabulous!!)

    I need to be happy and you will not be happy if i am unhappy the whole time.
    (I will treat you as though i hate you and have utter contempt for you until you kick me out and i can totally blame you for the marriage breakdown. Because you are too stupid and will never find out that I am cheating on you and have been for years. My plan is to produce the whore just after we separate as though we had just met! No one will guess I have been cheating! I am actually brilliant,)

    I hope you don’t spend too much on lawyers.
    (I see you bent over in anguish, crying because of the shock and trauma of my sudden and vicious betrayal of you, but all I really care about is how much of my money you spend. I’ve listed our assets and don’t want to have to redo the balance sheet to reflect expensive lawyers. Besides that, I want you to just roll over and let me have my fuck toy and playmate! Don’t irritate me with long drawn out divorce proceedings!)

    The children will all get over it in time.
    (It’s all about me, me, Me! The 4 adult children don’t matter as long as I am happy with the whore. I am pretty sure they will come to see how fabulous she is even though their Mom has broken down completely. The whore tells me the kids will be fine in a couple of weeks and I believe her.)

    I feel nothing for you.
    (I will just pack a few of these clothes you washed and folded, (btw, thanks for lunch) rush off to fuck the whore in a hotel for a couple of hours and I should be back in time for dinner. What are we having? People are coming over? I’ll pick up some wine on the way home!)

    We are two good people on different paths.
    On one hand I have a faithful wife, drudging away at her wifely duties, including always staying in touch with the kids, staying in touch with my family cuz I can’t be bothered to, and making social arrangements, looking after the household, believing in the integrity of and trusting me, her husband. On the other hand I am a cheating, lying fuckwit who does nothing around the house, who goes to work and visits the whore on the way there or on the way back. Who also visits the whore, for example, when my wife volunteers in the community, spends the day with friends, when she waits at home for me on our anniversary (extra thrilling to me), and that is just the tip of the iceberg. I am Mr. Fabulous for getting away with it for four years!

    • This is amazing! So well written, I felt every word! I am so sorry you had to go through this. I feel the same way.

    • Shit! I got a lot of the same lines. And the ‘unhappy for 10 years’, do they all pick 10 years?? (Which of course is a damn lie.) Are the decades long relationship people not even original enough to come up with another number? Rather, do the majority pick 10 years like it’s a magical ‘it’ll be ok for me to cheat now’ marker? “Hey I’ll say I’ve been unhappy for 10 years and people will gasp and hold me in their arms for comfort and my kids will flock around me with hearts in their eyes tortured by my suffering!” The absolute beauty of this site is that it illustrates over and over that they are not special or original in any way and we are not alone.

      • “The absolute beauty of this site is that it illustrates over and over that they are not special or original in any way and we are not alone.”

        If I had only known this stuff when I was in the midst of it. I am back because I started doing some research on NPD in cheaters. My ex threw a bomb in the midst of his relationship with our son, so it brought up old wounds.

        Knowing all this wouldn’t have changed the outcome. (I had to get out of that toxic situation) But, it would have saved me a lot of confusion and self inflicted grief. Also, it might have gotten me out of my marriage a couple years sooner.

      • The funny thing was that is the exact line my ex first used: “I have been unhappy and “dating” for 10 years. Later he changed it to, I never loved you and have cheated from the beginning. (20 years)

        Then 2 years later I found out my first cousins husband of (21 years) said the very same thing. “I haven’t been happy for 10 years. Now, I was 40, and had spent 20 years in child care (working part time), then going full time when my son was grown, supporting his chosen volunteer work, and pretty much playing thee 50s housewife. She was 42 (we are three months apart in age) on the other had had no children (he was sterile) got a high level education and became a federal judge (still is) Apparently neither one of us hit that magic sweet spot to keep our husbands from dropping their pants for strange. And though we live several states apart, our cheaters evidently found the same playbook.

        • Susie Lee,
          “Later he changed it to, I never loved you and have cheated from the beginning. (20 years)”

          This is an especially cruel thing to say to one’s spouse. And the cheating from the beginning is terrible. Only a person of low character would behave that way.

          I’m sorry. I’m sure you know he’s awful and that you deserve better.

          I hope things are improving for you.

          • Oh it is. I had to work to delete him from my memories leaving only my son. I didn’t want to remember someone who never loved me. He said later he only said that to get me to hate him. Well it worked.

            What I don’t get is these smucks blow up the marriages by lies and deceit, but the can’t leave it at that, they have to destroy the whole marriage. It is beyond heartless.

            It is also why when he called and wanted to talk about working it out, there was nothing left. I had to kill my feelings for him because of the way he acted. I saw him as a monster after all that.

            I met a wonderful man and we have been together years, but yes that will always hurt.

      • ThursdaysChild,

        No no no, my FW XW told me it was 10-15 years she’d been unhappy w/me and our relationship. See? That’s much different!

        Married for over 24 years, so, I guess most of our marriage, then? Yeah, fuck her, the bitch. And she wonders why I’m so affected by all of this. It’s not affecting her (she’s got her male schmoopie!), so why am I so affected? I don’t know. Maybe the fact that you just threw my whole view of our marriage into a shitty mind blender?!

        It is nice to know that this is a frequent refrain among cheaters. Helps me to remember they’ll say and do whatever they think will fuck us up mentally the most, so we don’t think about their role so much in the marriage/partnership. Instead, in true chumpy fashion, we follow the rabbit-hole of “was it really me that caused this?”

        No. They had at least a few other options to handle this w/much more respect for us chumps and for themselves. Including telling us they were unhappy in the relationship, that they wanted a divorce, and until that point, they wouldn’t cheat on us, which would inflict at least emotional and psychological abuse. But they didn’t. So FUCK THEM ETERNALLY.

        Tuesday and meh. They’re slowly working their way to us, CN. Stay strong.

        • They (most anyway) will say and do whatever they can to absolve themselves; doesn’t matter how much it hurts us.

          I believe they will pay, especially those who end up marrying the co-adulterer.

          Some can change, and I actually know of one who did, but if they change you will see the evidence of it.

          In my case I never see them as we are in different states, but my son and daughter in law have told me the basics. No change. All about them.

    • Amazing write up.

      This one “Who also visits the whore, for example, when my wife volunteers in the community,” gets to me. I actually for the last two years, did the bulk of the things he volunteered for relating to Jr. Base Ball, and Lions Club crap. Because, he had gotten a promotion and had so many “meetings” (fuck sessions) to attend. So I worked it into my schedule along with my full time job. But, when he left the first excuse he gave was I wasn’t a good enough house keeper. Obviously if I had just given up my 5 to six hours sleep at night, I could have buffed up the house a bit, and he wouldn’t have had to cheat.

      But, I heard pretty much his version of all your statements. Asshole used me non stop to cover for his cheating.

    • Ironwood, I would swear you were me almost exactly. Old high school girlfriend, they are soulmates, I love you but i am not in love with you and the worst of all, you would like her and be great friends. We had been married 35 years when he dropped this bombshell on our vacation i carefully planned. I spent two years in shock while still trying to function and work. As I sit here right now he is off somewhere chasing her down. At first I thought it was all my fault and they should have been together all these years. Now I know its just fun for him. Whatever he wants he gets. Now i have to give up everything I worked hard for to get out. They are liars and cheaters and they should be together forever.

      • >>Now i have to give up everything I worked hard for to get out.

        I don’t know your Ex, but I hate him. I wish I could give him the swirly of his life in an awful public toilet. I wish Godzilla would wipe his scaly butt with him after a turban wedgie wraps your Exes’ underwear atop his head. https://imgur.com/e3Q3Aox But Godzilla wouldn’t do that because your Ex would give G a toxic rash. I hope your Ex missed out on Heaven and Hell and spends eternity as an Eldritch Abomination’s suppository (one who eats a lot of spicy food).

        Chumped3years my heart broke for you. But I’m impressed that you no longer blame yourself for interfering with his soul mate, that you found CL. You are on the path… I came to this site for CL’s wisdom, but ended up staying longer than I expected to see what happened to members of this community. Probably a good thing since their experiences are like an awakening.
        —————————————

        I’m going to end this comment with a personal “rant”, off topic. I never expected to end up (almost) grateful for the 7 years I wasted on a FW, because it helped me finally see that my parents & brothers play similar games. I finally see that I’m not some big loser disappointment daughter. I succeeded in a man’s career, have a good marriage, but that means nothing to them. They “hate” my current husband, and it’s mutual. They still think I should have stayed with FW. I used to worry about my mother but I can’t anymore. I got to protect myself. It hit me today that she married an abusive man, she raised abusive sons, and the only time I saw her excited about a political candidate was one who was obviously an abuser. Somehow this is hitting me hard. She suffers so much, and her mother was horrible…. But she demands a scapegoat daughter that she can feel superior too. #ThanksCN

      • I agree! Always remember that the newbies might not always get all the way through the archives (it was easier 6+ years ago…)

  • After I found the poorly written love letter to one of the overseas scam artists.

    “I wanted to tell you”

    UBT: Bullshit. You have been perfectly capable of running your wife down, lying, stealing, and being a general arsehole. So you have a voice. One which you chose not to use for therapy, honesty, self improvement and the words “I want a divorce, let’s make sure everything is fair and equitable”.
    My UBT is now laying in front of the wine fridge indulging itself and begging for mercy.

    • Right? Better they lie, scam, gaslight and steal marital funds; and if we are just too stupid to pick up on it, well then I guess we deserved it.

  • “We didn’t do enough around the house together to bond us”
    UBT -I can’t think of a good reason for cheating and leaving so I’m making shit up –

    “ I stayed in my 1st marriage too long, my exW wasn’t a happy woman, I’m broken because of that”
    UBT – I’d like to blame my cheating on: my ex-wife and maybe the lady who cut my hair 15 years ago …..and my grade 2 teacher

    • What’s the common denominator between you and his ex-wife? Him. I bet he NEVER considers that fact when he’s moaning about one or both of you being “unhappy”.

      • No shit,
        Positive he bears no responsibility for any lack of constant joy and sparkle in his ExW. Convinced he wanted me to be the same way I was during the first year of our relationship -always on cloud nine.
        Convinced he thought cheating married mother of 3 coworker was such a fantastic, happy and positive person that she would be his ticket to eternal, hourly, sparkly happiness.
        I remember saying to him ‘yeah she’s so fucking happy that’s why she’s cheating on her husband with a married man who has a family.’
        He just gave me that void look.

          • Spinach,
            I don’t know if they are together, I give it a few short years though. She’s younger, I suspect she’ll dump him – that’s just the feeling I get.

            For those wanting karma stories, Karma does come to many.

            I met 2nd H when he was on his own. Mr Wonderful was respectful when speaking of his 1stW but said it was a long and unhappy marriage. I could never figure out how his ex could be remotely unhappy because he was so amazing. Took my time and eventually we married. My gift from the gods after having had a very very difficult 1st H and still having to suffer through co parenting with him.

            I was 2ndH’s soulmate etc etc. He said his 1st marriage didn’t work because he was simply mismatched with 1stW. We were perfect together. His adult kids thanked me for making their dad so happy. His mom without any encouragement would say he should have been with someone like me all along.

            1st W got her Karma, because out of nowhere and to everyone’s shock, Mr Wonderful dumped me for surprise OW. Suddenly, he wasn’t happy with me,

            I never knew that he had dumped 1stW in a surprising manner. He painted a different pic. to me of a very unhappy relationship. He was still close with his adult kids because he was always very good to them.
            After he dumped me, his adult kids sadly let it be known that he did the same thing to their mother (supposedly minus the affair). Now I wonder.

            After reading this site, I sadly think that he stayed with his first wife for years and years because she was probably a good wife appliance. He cared about his kids and didn’t want to disrupt their lives, so he waited until they were older.
            He was fine with dumping his step kids though and disrupting their lives.

            I am positive Everybody thought his first marriage didn’t work because it was all his first wife’s fault. He was just that great.

  • After I found out about Skankella. I asked my ex what was so special about her that he threw away a 33 yr marriage?
    She was fun. She was happy all the time. She liked to play pool. She never bitched and she made me feel needed. I she was not boring like you. And she is a very nice person.
    UBT: I was a selfish asshole who was ok with my wife paying all the bills and doing all the household chores. I then used her being a responsible caring adult against her. I looked for anything I could to make her the villain. So I can justify screwing around with her cousin. Because my need to feel needed is so much more important than my wife’s happiness and safety.

    • Ugh, they want to feel “needed.” What is with that particular ego drive? Their needing me makes me feel better about myself, so I’m going to fuck over the self-sufficient, independent woman that’s stood by my side through all my prior personal crises…

      • Yeah. Their dicks harden when they feel that they are saving the proverbial damsel in distress.

        In fact, they are the ones who need to be saved by receiving an unlimited supply of kibbles!!

        In a moment of clarity that he immediately shut down, my ex actually said to me, “I know the games she’s playing.” We weren’t even divorced yet, and he was already suspicious of her. (Note: she also cheated on her spouse).

        I’m sure they’re having a wonderful time together.

      • You said it Curly

        “You do so much for me, what am I gonna do without you.? ‘Therapist’ thinks I’m codependent. I think I need to be on my own.”

        Wifey happily did everything she was asked to do. *sigh*

        • I needed my H; he was very appreciated and needed and he still cheated. I think it’s just another bloody excuse.
          If the excuse isn’t that you didn’t need them enough the excuse is that they were needed too much.

          • Exactly. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t. Also, cheaters move goal posts to justify their shitty behavior. It’s a no-win situation for chumps. The game is rigged.

            Oh, and this reminds me of the double standards….too numerous to list.

            • The game is rigged
              Double standards——— this one!

              – I’m not feeling loved when you don’t come and greet me at the door” ( I laughed so loud, thinking that he was kidding, since We had 2 kids under 3years , plus.. wtf? Is it 1950’?)
              – I was supposed to feel loved when he was sitting at his desk, while after spending my time grocery shopping, I was dragging all of it to the house. That was ok.

              – you are incapable of doing laundry in a right way. Why is it so difficult to wash, iron, and set everything in the closets? Instead, there is always a big basket filled with washed, but not ironed clothes in the laundry room.
              – he “ took over” the laundry duty and after two week- clothes were piling up (5 people in the family/3 kids) no clean bed sheets, Towels, and suddenly, clothes were on the hangers or folded- but NEVER ironed. Which was the stupidest idea ever- piles of clothes that you were unable to wear anyway in our closets.
              His reaction? It’s fine( yet, it wasn’t when I was in charge)

              – your way of doing shopping is not effective. Buying clothes for kids few months before is just stupid ( I was usually doing next year school prep before the summer, when all the good quality clothes were on sale)
              – ok one year I let it go. One week before the school we went shopping, couldn’t find 30% of stuff and ended up with a bill 4x higher than usual. Right.
              I could have bought the same brand for 12$ instead we were paying almost 40$ per piece.

              Etc.

            • Spinach@35,

              “Damned if you do, damned if you don’t” is absolutely correct when it comes to cheaters. In the middle of my depression and unknowingly battling diabetes, I would bring the XW lunch at her work, run errands w/the kids to give her free time, get groceries because I totally admit I never learned to cook well, and she was a great cook. However, it bit her in the ass at our one true marriage counseling session post D-Day.

              The female marriage counselor I got her to go to (another classic chump move here at CN, I’ve come to realize) said that many female spouses/partners resent their male spouses/partners for not doing things like grocery shopping. There was an awkward silence, then I spoke up and told the MC that for the last few years, I was the one doing the grocery shopping, many times w/the kids, to give her alone time to think and work on things (frequently, her political career). The FW XW had to admit that was true. You know, because I was so thankful to her for being such a great provider of healthy, delicious cooked food for our family. And I frequently told her how I appreciated her doing that. Not as good as me cooking to give her a break, but I tried to let her know how much it meant to me. And I tried to show her my appreciation by doing other things for her.

              Looking back, I don’t think I could have ever made her happy long-term, no matter what I did. Because to accompany her own shitty character and probable narcissistic personality disorder, she always was comparing me to her father. I wasn’t her father, and I never will be. But I did my best to be a good husband, and I was trying to be better. For all the good it did me.

              I did other things to show her I loved her too. I’ve come to realize that very little of it was how she wanted me to show my love for her. But at least I tried. And at D-day, I was able to say to her w/righteous anger in my voice that although I had at least two opportunities to possibly cheat on her during our marriage, I loved and cared about her too much to do that to her. Too bad it didn’t go both ways. But then, it never does for these fuckwits, does it?

              Funny, thru all the awful years of marriage I made her suffer thru w/me, it was after I left the high paying, high stress job I stayed w/as long as possible (to provide the lifestyle she and my children had grown accustomed to) that finally resulted in her having to have an affair w/her older, richer boss. You see, I just wasn’t doing enough anymore. So, it’s really not her fault, is it? I drove her to have that affair and leave me!

              But if that’s the case, why am I feeling more and more right and happy about having her out of my life? I don’t know, let me see…

      • Yeah. Prior to Dday I remember my now Ex-H asking “what would I do if he wasn’t around?” I thought he was asking as if he dropped dead from a heart attack (his father had heart surgery in his 40s) and he was nearing 40. I quickly replied oh there is a maintenance man at my work who does odd jobs. He was actually miffed that I had an ez solution. Fast forward a few weeks later and he had only helped stain the deck because he figured the house would get sold during the divorce. No asshole, I can afford this place on my own.

      • I UBT “I want to feel needed” this way: I WANT SOMEONE TO NOTICE ME AND MY MAGNIFICENCE 24/7/365.

        • ^ nailed it!

          One of FW WH’s “reasons” for screwing married howorker was “She flattered me.”

          UBT: It’s your fault I cheated because you failed to marvel at my magnificence daily, and dared to occasionally question me. How could you? Clearly I’m perfect. Just ask AP.
          …On second thought, don’t. It seems she’s now banging her kids’ soccer coach and wants nothing to do with me and my marvelous ‘physique.’ But the kibbles were just there! I swear! It made sense at the time!

      • My ex dumped Skankella. We were going to try to make it work. She sent me threatening texts. And told some og my family that I was a nutjob. Wasn’t that so nice of her?

        • 🙄 I am sure your family believed it.

          I am sure my cheaters skankella is getting screamed at on a regular basis, they can only put up a good front for so long. Difference is, he told me long ago that Skankella was different than me, she threw things. Wonder if her aim is good.

  • I find UBT is really the only way I can stomach fuckwit’s emails. He had been quiet for a couple months but here is last week’s.

    DS and I discussed the WRUS in person class versus the virtual classroom. DS said he was not going back to school if the classroom is virtual. DS said he would work at the nursery and homeschool. I encouraged DS to stay at the school. I do not agree with the 1 day a week in person classroom decision by the school. I do not think virtual learning is easy for any students and extremely difficult for learning disabled students. If DS takes the decision to not attend school ,please notify the school and request for the refund of DS’s tuition. I do not think the refund shall be through the tuition insurance. The school should be refunding students who do not choose their modified covid learning hybrid school.
    I hope all is well,

    UBT: DS told me about his school when I saw him for the first time in years. I told him to say in school. (funny, DS told me you said nothing). I am an all knowing guru and I think the school is wrong because I always know better but I am using some fancy sensible language I heard somewhere to manipulate you into thinking I care even though I have not said one word regarding son’s education in the 2 years he has been in high school.

    Now to the real reason for my email- I want my money back, get it for me, NOW!!!

    I hope you are miserable.

    Follow up email from fuckwit when I didn’t respond.

    Hey,
    how about a simple update to the status of Ds’s plan for school? The proper way to handle this is probably for the 3 of us to discuss the situation. Do you have any idea how long the virtual learning is anticipated?
    Thanks,

    UBT: Bitch, why haven’t you rolled over for me? The proper way for me to handle this is for you to come closer so I can slap you. When am I going to get my money and how long will the windfall last.

    Snap to it.

    Final email after I responded: ok sounds a little messed up. Please copy me on the emails with the school.

    UBT: I think you are lying because I lie. Put me on the emails because I want to watch you work so I can criticize you but I really want that money!!!

    • WTF can’t he ask the school to include him on the emails instead of hassling you about it? In fact, why isn’t he corresponding directly with the school?

      What a waste of fresh air.

  • “You’re never satisfied! AP comes from a family where men never do dishes and it’s fine. AP was happy living in a one-room studio without a working stove!”

    UBT: “I am a man-child who refuses to adult. I can give even less than I’m giving now and still have a functional wife appliance, so our years of marriage and two small children can fuck right off.”

    • This!!!
      He found a woman who could make her needs even smaller than I had … for example, I insisted that toilet paper is a basic necessity. He only wanted to buy enough for himself (more money for prostitutes).
      Now his new wife is recovering from a double pulmonary embolism (she is under 40 years old). My ex told me about when we had to meet at court. Apparently when she started having symptoms, my ex didn’t want her to miss work and so she waited two days until the weekend to go to the hospital.
      As he was telling me about all this he was also mildly flirting with me. I had an internal shiver and thought “there, but for the grace of God, go I…”
      Now she is working two jobs, waking up at 5 am to buy discounted meat at supermarkets before they throw it out. One of our kids told me yesterday that they think Dad is trying to kill the new wife through a combination of medical neglect and sheer grinding her down. Well, that is exactly what he tried to do to me, so he is On Brand, as usual. He really wants the “Oh you poor thing!!” Widower cred.
      There, but for the grace of God (and CL and CN!!!)
      Ironically, at this exact moment I am at the dentist with my youngest. Because my ex is trying to accuse me of neglect for not taking my youngest to the dentist because of several BABY teeth falling out. Seriously. He’s saying that a dentist needs to supervise her baby teeth falling out correctly. The same guy who refused to take his wife to the hospital for a double pulmonary embolism. I’m pretty sure he’s thinking new wife could work two jobs AND raise our youngest so he doesn’t have to pay child support and (bonus!) maybe kill the new wife that much sooner. And break my heart missing my youngest. See? Win win win.
      So I am at the dentist feeling like an idiot asking them to check if her baby teeth are falling out correctly. So stupid.
      Sorry this post turned into a kind of meandering rant lol

  • Ex-Wife to me 2 weeks after D Day:

    “I did think about suggesting that we stay together for appearances’ sake and for the sake of the children, and that we agree to an open marriage and that we see other people; but you are just not emotionally mature enough to make a relationship like that work, so we will have to get divorced.”

    Translation:

    “I want to continue to bask in the reflected prestige that comes from your job. I want to continue spend as much of the money that you earn as I can. I demand to have my relationship with my AP endorsed and supported by both you and the children and I deny anyone the right to judge or criticise me. But, above all, I demand the right to continue to treat you – my husband of 25 years – as an unwelcome visitor in his own house and our children merely as photogenic props to decorate my FaceBook profile; don’t expect me to actually dirty my hands in parenting them. I will not let the fact that it is ridiculous of me to demand this stand in my way – and I am certainly not going to take responsibility or apologise – so I am going to make out that the only reason that I cannot have what I want is that you are immature, unreasonable, spiteful and jealous.”

    My UBT runs on Earl Gray tea ……. with a splash of milk and one sugar if you’d be so kind.

    • Or ……. when she announced to our children (then 11, 16 and 18) that she wanted a divorce; delivered sh*tface drunk and at one O’Clock in the morning:

      “I don’t love Daddy, I haven’t loved him for years and I have a right to be happy, so we are divorcing. Anyway, lots of your friends’ parents are divorced and your friends are fine, so you will be fine. And (shouted) I DID NOT HAVE AN AFFAIR.” She then stormed out and left me to deal with the collateral damage.

      Translation:

      “I only care about what I want. I don’t give a f*ck how much this affects any of you and if you think that I’m taking responsibility for any of the mess that I’ve created or admitting to what you all already know to be true, then – yet again – you have misjudged me. Basically, my happiness is paramount, I don’t do accountability and if I have to ruin your childhoods to get what I want, then I’m all in. Cynara f*ckers.”

      • Here’s another:

        “You had no right reading those texts between me and my friend (her AP) – they were private. And you only showed them to the children to make me look bad and damage me in their eyes. You have caused them irreparable harm and I will never be able to forgive you for what you have done.”

        Translation:

        “I am engaging in a major rewriting of history because I suspect that my actions might be starting to make me look bad; I’m more comfortable with a narrative that places all blame at your feet. I know that the children found the texts between me and my AP because my phone is synched to the iPad they use. I know that they told you because they (rightly) do not trust me. But if I admit all this – and admit to having an affair – then my image as “Mother of the Year” will be destroyed. And if I admit that the children are damaged because of my actions, then I will be judged and people will hold me responsible for the consequences of my own decisions; much better that I publicly blame you. As I have now decided that this is quite clearly all your fault, then I am still “Mother of the Year” and beyond all criticism. You need to be grovelling before me to request my forgiveness. Now bow before me in my majesty.”

        • EXACTLY!

          I know that one too well, “re-writing history in their own history books as a parent that is published by themselves for their own library, to re-read over and over in the future, so they will believe it as fact.”
          Who would ever criticize a “Mother/Father of the Year”? I see them on stage waving out to an empty audience accepting a broken crystal ball as a member of the “The Newest Asswipe Recipient.”

          “And if I admit that the children are damaged because of my actions, then I will be judged and people will hold me responsible for the consequences of my own decisions; much better that I publicly blame you.” SAME!!

  • Your standard are too high for anyone to meet. Translation, it’s not what I do/don’t do, it’s your reaction to it.

  • Me: “if you didn’t cheat on me then why are you divorcing me? We were happy, we just had a baby”

    Him: “I have my reasons”

    UBT; “I cheated on you”

    • Me: “Is ther someone else”. STBX: “No, its not like that”
      UBT: Yes, Its EXACTLY like that.

      Wow – they DO all basically say the same stupid shit!

      • Yes, apparently they all do say the same stupid shit. It’s uncanny.

        Either cheating reduces them to the same common denominator, or the same common denominator made them cheat in the first place.

        • “Either cheating reduces them to the same common denominator, or the same common denominator made them cheat in the first place.”

          Hmmmm, interesting. Makes sense. I would say it is for most the second option. They just hide it until they get caught, or decide on the exit adultery partner.

  • “Asking you to have sex with other men is a compliment to you!”

    UBT: I am a walking, talking Reddit forum.

  • “It’s sad that 30 years of friendship is over.”

    UBT: You have seen behind the mask so you’re no longer of use to me.

    • I got “it’s a shame to throw away all we’ve worked for the last 26 years”. UBT: “Shit, I’m really not liking shacking up with the skank after all. Her place is noisy, she earns nothing so I have to pay for everything, and I can’t keep up with the bar tab she’s running up. Please let me come home so I can start spending your salary again!”

      • I’d love to know how many cheaters have to move in with a SkankellaSchmoopie because they want the rent money and the free housekeeping. I’m convinced that Jackass always has to have a woman taking care of him. His mother was always the woman of last resort.

  • Eight years ago I had an affair, it only lasted 4 weeks and I’ve tried to walk straight ever since but I fell again earlier this year.
    Translation: remember when I had you placed in a psych ward because you had an overwhelming sense that there was a problem in our marriage and I acted like you were crazy and did all that weird shit to the point you had a breakdown you were right I was cheating. Do you remember when you asked me earlier this year if I had been with another woman and I said no, so then you asked if I had been with another man and I said no? I lied

    14 days after D’day as he was heading off to hang out at a local combined church event as part of the committee. Do people know your gay? No, I’ve confessed it, so now it is all in the past they do not need to know. I do not understand why you are so angry. I just don’t get it.

    Translation: I have no accountability now that I have made my peace with God and our church leaders for cheating on you with 20 guys over the last 8 years. And I’ve spent the last year making a plausible connection through being on the committee with the cute local priest, I’m not letting your anger wreck what. Why are you always so angry?

  • “I can’t believe you are reading to the kids when there are dishes to be done” apparently means “I’m not getting enough attention”. In my ignorance, I thought he meant chores should always come first. I responded by saying, “I let you take a break now and again so shouldn’t I be able to take a break now and again too?”. He interpreted this as me calling him lazy. He then gave me the silent treatment for 18hrs until I finally tracked him down at work the next day to get to the bottom of it all. He later claimed that our marriage broke down due to lack of communication. Yeah, he got that one right. It’s hard to communicate when you don’t say what you mean and you interpret everything the other person says in the most negative way you can and then stop communicating altogether.

    Oh, and “our marriage broke down due to my lack of communication regarding my dissatisfaction with the marriage” means “I am going to pretend to take responsibility by admitting fault but in a way that implies fault on your side too as you clearly weren’t meeting my needs and I just failed to properly inform you of that fact”.

    One more thing, after the incident noted above, I did try to give him more attention but he blew me off when I tried so apparently “I’m not getting enough attention” doesn’t mean what I think it does either.

    • I have figured out in our “marriage” “We stopped communicating” = I started fucking another woman and had to get you out of my face”

  • He was “unhappily married” to me, for ten years apparently. So when he went and had sex with smoothie pie, and took her to dinner on our 25th wedding anniversary, his reason was that he didn’t think we had anything to celebrate. No, I guess not, after sticking his dick into anything and everything for ten years, I can see his logic. 🤮

  • “I didn’t think you cared about me” means I needed an excuse to cheat and I just made something up. Saying “I didn’t think” means it didn’t matter if it was true or not, I thought it was true so plausible deniability.

    “Schmoopie hates it when the kids squabble with each other.”, “Schmoopie feels hurt by middle sons rejection of her”, “Schmoopie would never let her kids do xyz”, “Schmoopie doesn’t understand why I let the kids behave this way” “Schmoopie thinks our kids should socialize more.” Schmoopie things our incoming HS freshman should be dating”. “Schmoopie thinks our kids have terrible table manners”etc. etc. all translates to: Our kids are not meeting Schmoopie’s standards which makes me look bad so now I am going to make you go to parenting counseling with me so I can coerce you into making our kids do what Schmoopie wants. Never mind that two are already in college.

    • I haven’t used it in my circumstances (yet), but I think the phrase “Go fuck yourselves, then die!” might be appropriate when responding to your cheating ex and schmoopie about what needs to happen w/your kids. God, what pathetic losers. I’m so sorry you have to deal w/them. Best wishes/luck in your future. And in your kids. Hopefully, these two shall pass. All puns intended.

  • “Nothing happened until our marriage was over”.

    Translation: in my magical fantasy world our marriage ended X months ago (side note: she never revealed the exact value of X), so I am totally blameless. Everyone knows that single people have the right to fuck their married coworkers / subordinates during conference travel, and in my internal narrative I was single. Just because I didn’t tell you, and we were still living together and sleeping in the same bed, and we are still married to this day, doesn’t change the fact that *in my mind* our marriage ended a long time ago.

    • Thanks for the reminder. “I haven’t felt like your husband in years” means “I have at least been thinking about cheating on you for years”.

  • Oh ho ho…so many to choose from. My ex and I didn’t actually speak much after D-day (my decision—he was verbally abusive when we did talk), but almost everything he said was pure UBT gold. I’ll skip the ones that have already been translated because, as we all know by this point, cheaters all work from the same stupid playbook.

    Written in response to my text asking him to please stop forwarding me email notifications of his romantic dinner reservations with his whore at resorts he had promised to take me to, and to please be more discreet in general with the affair around our friends and colleagues, at least while we were still married (this was barely a month after D-day): “I am sincerely sorry that happened and will make sure it doesn’t happen again. I know this is a hard time for you and don’t want to do anything to make it worse. I hope you can be happy.”

    UBT: “I am actually intentionally getting very public revenge on you for not satisfying my every need and whim for 20 years with a big ol’ cheery smile on your face, which is the whole purpose of having a wife appliance, right? But, I am also interested in image management above all, and I have to admit the email notifications weren’t a good look. The image I am trying to project here, to myself and everyone, is of the good guy who is simply trying to extract himself from a bad marriage to a crazy woman in the most gentlemanly way possible. That is why I added the ‘I hope you can be happy’—less than a month after springing my exit affair on you and abandoning you in the space of one hour, leaving you in a screaming heap on the floor—because I am trying desperately to convince myself, you, and our friends that I did nothing wrong, I am happy myself, and I remain SUCH a great guy that even though you were a “nasty” “fucking bitch” (direct quote), I wish you nothing but the best with your future endeavors.”

    I’m gonna do something a bit different on this next one. It’s UBT-related, but this is the response I wish I had written to a text he sent me after I set a boundary on his ridiculous control plays at the end of the divorce process. He was doing the most ridiculous shit to get my attention and make me jump through hoops for him at this point—like asking me to settle $5 of Costco rewards with him and telling me it was somehow my responsibility to call all the utility companies and take his name off our accounts…. At any rate, this time he was trying to get me to add an additional moving day after he had already come to the house 8 times to move his shit out in drips and drabs (necessitating me being gone each time, of course). I finally put my foot down and told him he needed to stick to our agreement as it stood, and of course he does poorly with boundaries of any kind, so here is what he texted back: “I have been very respectful of your right to privacy, but I need to remind you that this is my house, too, and I have legal right to access it. This is a very difficult time for both of us, and I would ask you to cooperate.”

    I almost sent this response, and fortunately my sister and best friend talked me down from it, b/c as CL says, don’t feed the beast:

    “‘I need to remind you that this is my house, too, and I have legal right to access it.’ It’s not your house for long, [ex]. And it’s a little rich to hear you say that when you walked away from it and left me to mow the lawn and pull the weeds and handle the plumbing leaks, and the HVAC repairs, and the torn screens and the belligerent, drunk neighbor who came up to scream at me about our dog barking at the construction—without a SINGLE offer of help over the last four months. Maybe I should call your dad and ask him what he thinks about how well his son has been taking care of his wife and “his house”—what do you think he will say?

    “‘This is a difficult time for both of us.’ I cannot believe you would write those words to me after what you SINGLEHANDEDLY did to our marriage and our family. This is the only response I will make to that: Self-inflicted wounds.

    “‘I would ask you to cooperate.’ Oh, and you think I haven’t? That’s fascinating. Did you find all your clothes in a burning heap in the driveway? Your precious bicycles out on the curb with ‘additional waste’ stickers on them? The locks changed? Did I serve you with divorce papers at work? Did I call your family and your boss and tell them the truth about what you did to me? Plenty of other women in my position would have done ALL those things, and I have done NONE of them. But, if you want that to change, please do send me another text like this one.”

    • Okupin,

      I see so many similarities between our cheaters that it’s almost eerie.

      He, too, “accidentally” sent me texts intended for the AP. “Malignant narcissist,” claimed my therapist who functions as my own personal UBT. “Accidental my ass.” (She didn’t really say that, but that was her drift.)

      He, too, hoped I would find a way to be happy someday (which the UBT would say means, “I really don’t care if you’re happy, but I want to say that to make me feel magnanimous. If I really cared about your happiness, I would not have betrayed you.)

      I got the it’s-my-house-too line and had to vacate for hours at a time as he moved out in dribs and drabs (although I did eventually make him finish up in a day. The man was livid!). Ugh!

      I didn’t toss his shit onto the lawn.

      I could go on…

      • I shut down the slowly moving out by renting a storage unit, putting all his shit it in and giving the key to an intermediary. Yes it cost me money and I had to pack all his stuff, but it was SO worth it to not have to look at his crap or worry when he would come by or trying to schedule it. He could only come with a police escort because I have a restraining order and I didn’t want to deal with it or with seeing him and hearing him whispering stupid shit to me about how everything was just misunderstood and he didn’t actually cheat 🙄

        • “I shut down the slowly moving out…”

          Yes, what is it with these people?

          Fuckwit said, “I’ll come and collect my stuff in bits when I have time”

          I shut that shit down fast – instructed my solicitor to write a letter telling him he had to collect all his stuff, all at the same time, by a certain date, or I would get a professional house clearance firm to remove it. 👿👿😁😁

      • “He, too, hoped I would find a way to be happy someday” He told that to his mother. She told me because she and I were at that time hoping he would “wake up”.

        However, after we were legally separated and he found out I went out on a date, he freaked, and it started a string of calls to get me to “talk”. Yeah, no; too little, too late.

        So what he meant I guess was, I hope she finds a way to be happy someday, as long as it doesn’t involve another man.

        But I have no doubt it wasn’t about wanted me back, it was just about destabilizing me for any more kibbles he could get.

        • Double standards. They can sleep with other people. It’s cool. It’s twu luv.

          But if we date (even after divorce!), holy cow! The nerve!

          Mine actually said, “I know it’s irrational, but it really bothers me that you might date someone.” Oh and he wrote to me several months ago (pre NC) that he stayed up all night writing a primer for my next sexual partner. A sex god in his own mind.

          • My ex called me a few weeks before he got married and wanted to “talk” about working it out. I said no.

            Then he called just before he left for Las Vegas to marry schmoopie and wanted to let me know. I said why did you call me. He said I just didn’t want you to hear it from someone else.

            So weird. By then why would I care. I mean the whole point of our D was so he and schmoopie, so it isn’t like it would have been a shock.

            For the record I didn’t get married until several years later. I never thought about calling him. I didn’t run off to LV, we got married by a preacher at my dads house.

            • “He said I just didn’t want you to hear it from someone else.”

              No, he wanted to twist the knife into your back a little further. He was *hoping* the news would hurt you. Pain kibbles! Yummy!

              So glad you didn’t give the shit bag any. ❤️

              • Yep.

                I just remember thinking how weird, why would I care? I mean it was the reason for the divorce, they had found twe wuv.

          • “Mine actually said, “I know it’s irrational, but it really bothers me that you might date someone”.

            Even after the discard, you are still something he *owns*.

            I changed my name back to my maiden name, legally, before the divorce was final. My solicitor told him he had to return some documents of mine. He sent them, addressed to me in my *married* name. What a fuckwit. 👿

    • It would be have been ok if you sent it. There is nothing like the threat of exposure to get fuckwits to back down. It works. Everything you read out there about narcissists says they hate and fear exposure above all else.

  • The night you went to the cinema broke me , that’s the night we ramped it up .

    UBT : I can’t think of anything else to say but let’s make this your fault

    I can’t breath I miss her every second of everyday I’m not with her

    UBT : I’m a 14 year old boy in a 45 year olds body

    She said I’m cute

    UBT : I’m a morbidly obese, middle aged balding man baby and any sort of compliment gets my cock hard so I’m offski

    • Similar to that. “I think I’m just a big kid”. No – you’re just a grown ass man fucking around behind your wife’s back.

      • “She flirted. She said she’s loved me for 10 years. I’m impulsive. We bonded over taking care of sick patients.”

        UBT: I’m a shallow man taken in by flattery. I have no boundaries. I have no morals. I have no self-control. Telling you we bonded over taking care of the sick makes us both look good. I like to manage my image.

  • Written to me after I’d moved out and divorce negotiations were in progress:

    “I’ve spent a lot of time this summer hoping that we could have some kind of friendship when we’re past the hard part.”

    UBT:
    I’d like to keep you softened up so you’ll agree to the property split I want, and also so you’ll support my narrative of “we grew apart” by remaining friends with me. I also realize that masturbating alone while dressed in women’s lingerie doesn’t give me the same thrill as you agreeing to bugger me while I’m dressed up in women’s lingerie.

    • Honestly, when my ex said to me: “I hope we can be friends” I wish I had said why on earth would you want to be friends with a woman who you have said was so horrible, you had no choice but to commit adultery?” But all I said was “no, I am particular about my friends”.

  • What he said after discovery would break the UBT. (Keep in mind that he is 55 years old):

    “When a 20 something woman touches my penis, it makes me feel so young.”

    • These guys are evil that they would say things like this to a wife, even an ex wife. To have such low regard for another human being.

      Note: mine tried to tell me about his first time with the whore. I stopped him, but he said enough to let me know it was in the back seat of the squad car.

      What pleasure he got out of telling me I can’t fathom. Maybe, just to grind my nose in it.

  • My UBT was dusted off by my mother after she found it in the back of the closet. She was angry at me for letting it get dusty, so she had me clean it all up, and sing to it till it came back to life. It spit out this gem last month when I broke no contact after being cornered.

    Dumpster Diver’s latest victim, aka “girlfriend” had been attempting to circumvent me in getting pictures of my child to give to him. He has no parental rights, for my baby’s protection. She wanted to give them to him while he was in jail. I squashed that. Told everyone that I will press charges against her and anyone that helps her. When he cornered me to talk I told him the state of things, hard boundary, don’t mess with my kid. His response? “I never told her to do that. I don’t know why she did that.”

    UBT sprang to life, IT’S NOT MY FAULT! I’M NOT THE BAD GUY! IT’S ALL SOMEONE ELSE’S FAULT!” I laughed. So accurate! Now if I can teach it to text me those answers…

  • Me: Why did you cheat?

    Fuckwit: You don’t cook.

    Me: Wth….I cook every day, you always want to go out to eat and refuse to eat at home

    Fuckwit: ….ugh…well….it’s because you won’t cook what I like.

    Me: You mean x,y, z, v, h, i, j, k. etc, etc, etc foods that you love?

    Fuckwit:…..silence…..cough…..

    UBT: I might be a professional liar but I can’t come up with a damn thing to fault you over. This conversation isn’t going like I thought it would. You, chump, are supposed to cry and pick me dance instead of pointing out my absurdity.

    Fuckwit: …..ugh…..you wouldn’t go bowling with me…..

    Me: You don’t bowl!

    Fuckwit:….you know what….don’t call me a cheater, I didn’t cheat, it was just a mistake!!!!!!

    UBT: This blame shifting stuff is way harder than what the Cheater101 manual implies, but there is no way I’m going to ever admit that I cheated because I’m a disordered, entitled pos who doesn’t care about anyone but himself. Also, it’s not cheating if you walk into whore’s office and trip and fall into her crotch – it’s a legit mistake – happens to the best of them. Right?

    UBT runs on red wine and chocolate chip cookies. Says after this much bs….might need a hot bath too.

  • My ex is maybe one of the people closest to being a true sociopath I have ever met. He projected like mad; never have I encountered anyone who, in retrospect, was so obvious about it. (I was very young and had neither the experience nor really the acquired vocabulary to describe what was going on then.) I have, however recalled a few gems from our time together:

    “I have seen the worst a human being can be in you.”

    I AM APPALLED AT MY OWN BEHAVIOR BUT COULD NEVER ADMIT THAT AND LEAVE MYSELF VULNERABLE

    “Can’t we get past this” (some or other atrocious behavior on his part)

    YOUR FEELINGS ARE UNIMPORTANT TO ME

    “You ingrate!”

    I DO NOT APPRECIATE THE SACRIFICES YOU HAVE MADE FOR ME, FOR I AM THE GREAT DOCTOR, AND I DESERVE THE LIFE I AM MEANT TO HAVE

    “You don’t love our daughter! She’s just a doll to play with to you!”

    I DO NOT CARE ABOUT OUR DAUGHTER BECAUSE SHE TAKES THE ATTENTION OFF ME AND MIGHT INTERFERE IN THE LIFESTYLE I DESERVE

    “I’ve seen the way your family operates; nobody even talks to each other!”

    MY FAMILY IS ALL UP IN ONE ANOTHERS’ BUSINESS BUT NOBODY REALLY KNOWS ANYONE ELSE BECAUSE WE LIE AND OBFUSCATE AND HIDE TRUTHS FROM EACH OTHER BECAUSE WE ARE PERFECT AND MUST REMAIN THAT WAY

    “Honey, let’s part.”

    I STARTED FUCKING A NURSE AROUND THE TIME OUR DAUGHTER WAS BORN AND SNEAKING AROUND IS TAKING UP TOO MUCH OF MY TIME

    There are more, but you get the drift. In later years, he would brag to me about the trips he and his second family would take to Vegas and Disney, and I had to bite my tongue from saying, “So what you’re telling me is that you’re basic.”

    He has not spoken to our daughter since she moved out of state, about six years now, and I know it hurts her. He doesn’t know we had a stillborn grandson. He also cheats with impunity on his current wife, which someone found out and told me. My second marriage is fraught, we have problems that would have made most people throw in the towel long ago, but I want to fix it, not break it up. We do not cheat on each other. My ex is rich, charming, and at age sixty, still model gorgeous, but I love the life and family I have now.

    • Your family reference is a trigger. I got something along the same lines during a long ranging rant about his life and problems were my moms,dads, brothers, our kids, my …..fault. “Your family isn’t close at all.” Well, I won’t even get into his fucked up foo. I’m the youngest with three older brothers. The one closest in age died in 05. The next is 6 ys older and the oldest died a few years back and he was 10 yrs older. His brother was our neighbor and they were close until his death (another excuse used for abuse/sadness. I didn’t abuse anyone when my closest brother died before that)
      My family was unaware of the abuse. The exception may have been my oldest brother who said he didn’t like the way ex treated me and the kids.
      My family/ his excuse was there on the night we got out. My brother, cousins, dad, kids, all supporting, helping, ready to defend us if he showed up. My oldest brother left me enough money to pay an attorney. My parents gifted me his home so the kids and I have a safe place to live. Honestly, they would have done anything for the ex until I got brave enough to tell what was happening which was on the day we left. My family was there! We actually had weekly dinners for years that he couldn’t be bothered with. Ex preferred that I remain isolated from them and voiceless.
      I guess the UBT would be his family makes him feel less than and Yours have always been supportive.

  • (Situation: saw him kissing party guest in kitchen and didn’t make a scene. We are now clearing away the party when I ask him about it.)
    “What kind of woman are you that you aren’t angry about my kissing another woman? If you genuinely loved me, you’d be really furious!”
    UBT: I’ve been busted and now I’m turning it on you

    • And had you been furious and thrown a fit, or a knife. It would have been you have no self control whatsoever. I had to fuck someone else just to ease the pain.

  • After I found out he was boinking his schmoopie underling at the office, I told him all I had to do was call his boss, tell him what was going on, and they both would have been fired. He indignantly said, “How could you do that to “US?” Meaning him and me. Didn’t even need the UBT; the irony blew me away.

    • Same situation, when I threatened to tell his boss he said “but nothing will happen to her (OW)” meaning only he would get fired because he WAS HER BOSS.

      This was quickly followed with, “you wouldn’t do that to [our son]”. Meaning he would loose income therefore impacting our child. Yep. It’s ok for him to risk all that by committing adultery but it’s MY fault if there are actual consequences because I SAID something.

  • I have one that I need help with. It’s stupid but it’s been bugging me. I’m NC, with only rare sporadic necessary (like tax questions) exceptions for about a year now. In the last couple of months I’ve gotten 2 texts from cheater and I can’t make heads or tails of it. The first one I think I figured was a ‘look see I’m nice we can be friends’ dumb thing. But a couple of weeks ago I got “I hope you are all doing ok”. Random, out of the blue. I end up looking at it like it’s an organic chemistry equation and I’m learning long division. I just can’t compute why the need to send that or what he was trying to accomplish. Can anyone loan me their UBT? (I can offer it potato chips and cuddles.) No worries if not, it’s not a big deal just one of those things that niggles me. And as a footnote, my kids and I are all NC, he sends them texts they don’t reply to, and I didn’t reply to either of these.

    • Mission accomplished on his part. He got in your head and you are constantly thinking about him. It’s not the words, it’s the mere fact of contact in any form.

      If no kids, block him on all unofficial channels. No. More. Texts.

    • UBT: I’m really short on kibbles and whoring isn’t much fun if I can’t triangulate my family #imagemanagement

      So look at me ThursdaysChild, I’m so magnanimous, I care about your wellfare, because clearly you can’t possibly be well without me and my whoring in your life. #IcheatbecauseIcare

      It’s been long enough for you to miss me desperately, so here I send these texts so you can run swooning back into my lying cheating arms so I can screw you over some more. You know you want to, so stop resisting the irresistible fuckwit #winningatkibbles

      • lol! Nicely done–here are your (((cuddles))). I may have snacked on the chips. 😉 I just have never seen this particular jackass as a kibble chaser; he’s more of the runner/coward type so these last couple of texts have just been weird to me especially since I/we haven’t seen or spoken to him in about a year. I would’ve thought there was some sort of natural end point where the cheater doesn’t do this anymore?

        It’s really a non-issue just made me do that Scooby-Doo head tilt with the “Ruh?” My kids and I have a plan that when we move out of the house we’re going to have a ‘block party’ and all block him from our cell phones at the same time. That will probably be the last time I spare him even one thought.

        • Covert narcissists tend to be runner/hider/coward./avoider types, but they still absolutely want kibbles. It’s just that their wanting and how they go about it is much more subtle and of the passive aggressive variety.

          If you aren’t fluent in that language, a lot of their bs will probably go right over your head. Don’t mean that in the negative way, more just that if you are normal and sane, you are liable to miss their cues, thus the covert part. Bottom line though is that no, they never ever let go or leave you alone unless and until you block them, get rid of them and draw such a hard boundary that they simply cannot cross it anymore.

          In fact, don’t be surprised that after your block party ( love it!), he gets a different number and starts pestering you again. It’s not about caring, it’s about control – as in you don’t get to get rid of him, he will do that if/ever he is ready and he never will be because…kibbles. Even if you don’t respond, still kibbles. I know it’s not rational….but then that’s the point – these disordered creatures are not rational and live in an alternative universe from the rest of us. Too bad we cross paths with them.

          • Whoa! This is a spot on description of cheater–he does have covert narcissistic traits and passive-aggressive is his spirit animal. I had thought being both of those things afforded me the pleasure of him being one of ‘those’ who ran far (he has) and permanently away with no look over the shoulder. I mean, he ended up moving out because I gave him a derisive sound and ignored/avoided him–waited for eldest and I to take youngest to college and moved out without a word. It took a good week or so before I realized he was permanently gone. As naive as it sounds I just can’t fathom with his chicken shit ways he’d continue to attempt to contact me, so I do appreciate your insight on this.

            • Yeah, he walked away and then …it’s been a year and he pinged you…. So might be another year or two or even five, but he might try to ping you again. If you are lucky this was it, but…..it might happen again. They are parasitic like that.

              • Foolishchump nails this covert type. They alwys want to remain relevant. They want to engage us. They’ll pop up when we least expect it. They might say something kind or not. It’s crazymaking. Although I’ve blocked mine from my phone, we still have to maintain some email contace for business stuff.

                I thought the passive-agressive shit was behind me, but I was wrong. Our birthdays are only days apart; his comes first. I did not write to him on his birthday nor did his adult children. On my birthday, he emailed that he wanted to “acknowledge my birthday and offer best wishes.” I replied with a curt, “thanks.”

                The next day, he failed to send alimony. So much for “best wishes.”

                UBT: How dare you not acknowledge my birthday??? I will make you think of me on yours. And, I will not send alimony so you have to ask for it. Notice me!!!

                (UBT is tired. Long day translating so much BS. An after-dinner scotch hits the spot.)

      • 👍

        I really think that first sentence nails it for a lot of these guys. Once the cold water of exposure is thrown on them…

      • No idea. They are half a world away and I’m not on social media nor do I do anything else to check in on him. He doesn’t drink, or rather didn’t when I knew him who knows now. I’ve been NC for about a year except for two necessary texts; last time I saw his face or heard his voice is a year give or take. I read about kibbles here but he’s never been that guy – he’s a coward and will chew glass before risking rejection or shame, so it hit me as strange.

  • Backstory: My Dad, for years, said he stayed in a marriage to my mother (“a difficult, unhappy woman not dealing with her issues” per Dad) because in a past life he had hurt her, and his karma was to stay with her to work that off. He then left my Mom for a woman who said he didn’t need to do that. Then the woman changed her mind. Then he met my stepmother, Miss Snot Nice, who did everything she could to push me out of the picture, and succeeded. They were married for 20 years. She died suddenly of cancer in May of 2020. They were living in a travel trailer year-round at the time, parked on the farm of a friend of Miss Snot Nice. Dad still lives in the trailer. Because of his state’s filial duty law, I am his executor as a means to protect my family’s finances. For today’s post, I will UBT an abridged (he is long-winded) version of an email my Dad sent last week. I have named him Eustace, in honor of the post a few days ago. My translation is in brackets.

    Hi [Uses nickname that used to evoke a feeling of closeness and safety],

    I think it’s time to share some news with you.

    [I remembered I have only one biological child who is also my executor and Power of Attorney]

    After a month of pretty rugged grief, which faded to occasional sadness, I realized I was done with grief and not much caring for living alone. It hit one night after a get-together with two sets of friends. They went home as couples, and I went home alone. So I decided, since it is unwise to wait years for something when you’re about to turn 76, that I was ready to look for a companion for more of the journey.

    [My wife of 20 years died and I am so over it. Other people have companions, not fair! Marcus Lycus, I am in the market for a lifetime companion. Also, I have the timeline of a mayfly.]

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f0WtvY3rTqE

    I registered on Match, put up an honest profile with a preference for someone in Pacific Northwest and a heartfelt summary on who I am. I resolved to wait until someone liked me first and included a specific message in response, which is what Miss Snot Nice did 20 years ago. And in roughly 2 weeks, the Universe told Next to look one more time after months and months of disappointment. She saw my profile, read my summary and sent a similarly heartfelt reply.

    [Beware all women on Match. I have an honest profile where my Vietnam service is described as ‘has traveled in Asia’. I may or may not have a daughter, depending on if any responses don’t like daughters. I will not reach out, because I am splendid. Woman must be sent to me! By the Universe! Also, I am the savior for Next.]

    Next is an artist. She is resilient and prevails in numerous clever ways.

    [She is Next.]

    Messages on Match led to emails and finally phone calls. The first was a long one. We’ve traded life stories, spiritual journeys, poems we liked and some we wrote, recommendations for YouTube videos and articles we liked. I’ve even taken an online course she recommended, and I’ve started meditating. It was clear very quickly that we have something special.

    [We had a long phone call. It’s Twu Luv! We like the same videos and I meditate now. #Allbetter]

    Miss Snot Nice appears to agree. She most clearly said, not long ago, “Get the truck detailed before go meet Next. It’s a mess.”

    That will happen when Next and I spend September 1-3 together at a place on the California coast.

    [I talk to my dead wife. I’m sure this won’t cause any issues during the three day fuckfest with Next.]

    We made the date for the stay in California when we were still considering whether to be a couple.

    [We met a month ago. We’re taking things slow. #Notreally]

    Things have gone beyond that to the point that the stay will be more like honeymoon and business planning. Plan now is I’ll move in with Next in Pacific Northwest next spring when a roomer moves out. No talk yet of marriage. Maybe there won’t be. I’ll know more after California.

    [All my relationships are business transactions. #TwuLuv. The roomer may or may not be her husband. She hasn’t said. California has all the answers, and I’ll know more then because I am incapable of assessing a situation like a logical adult. I like to live like I’m in a Hallmark movie. #Lifegoals]

    Next lives in a nice 3-bedroom house with room for studio and workshop space. During the pandemic, she’s working on art pieces to promote marketing to gift shops on the coast. I’ll likely be helping her while working on my own drawing and painting, perhaps getting involved in the music community in Pacific Northwest, hopefully supplementing income with computer troubleshooting. I’ve been successful with the help I’ve already given her, and she says there’s a demand there.

    [I am making plans for the house owned by some woman I haven’t met yet. I am also basing my financial well being on the word of an artist who hasn’t said who her ‘roomer’ is. #Thisisnotabusinesstransaction, #Ihatelivinginthetrailer]

    Lots to do, and we’re excited.

    I’ll tell you more as I know and send a picture of us in California, if I remember to take one.

    [I have to move my stuff into her house before she figures me out. I’ll send a picture if I bother to remember you exist.]

    I hope you’re maikng progress with Hondo and enjoying whatever you do with everyone else.

    [I know you are dealing with a son who is bipolar and has had legal trouble, good luck with that. Oh, and the others. Those are grandkids, right? With names?]

    I love you, and I’m proud of you.

    Eustace

    [Sure, Dad. Good luck with that. I hope you have both your kidneys on September 4th.]

  • “I kind of hope it doesn’t work out with her because I miss home.”

    UBT #1: This affair isn’t as much fun now that you know about it. It’s also inconvenient since you wouldn’t agree to be the one move out. I was hoping I’d get to stay in the marital home and magically replace you with the AP. I’m confused why that didn’t happen.

    UBT #2: To be clear, I don’t miss you. The only thing I miss is this couch and the grandfathered-in low rent.

    • It’s such a nice couch. Always faithful; never complaining or demanding my secret credit card statements; never making crazy demands like “please stay home and help me with the kids because I have the flu”. I should buy this sofa some flowers. Sneaking around with my AP is pretty hot but this sofa’s cushy curvy arms are the real thing . Hellloooo, baby….

  • “I didn’t realize it until now, but I’ve been secretly unhappy for years.”
    I’m a spoiled-rotten, entitled woman-child always looking for someone to blame for the fact that I don’t live in fairy-tale castle with magical servants. My new therapist did me a solid by suggesting I blame you (again).

    “I was so upset when I broke up with my previous boyfriend, and then I met you. That isn’t a way to start with someone else.”
    Back then, you were of great use to me. Thanks for being the emotional maxi pad, there, TTW.

    “I just need to be free of all men in my life except my father and my son.”
    Well, that and the AP I still secretly screw in the alleyway next to the dumpster behind that restaurant you like.

    “I’ve never been as in love with you as with the OM [plural]”
    You were of great use to me, paying my bills and providing me comfort. Too bad you just weren’t A-list material.

    “Our marriage was never actually real to me.”
    Except for that expensive wedding, the rings, the kids, the house we lived in, the shared last name, and the legal document that says we were married.

    “You’re not as attractive as me. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have found all these AP’s.”
    You have far more self-esteem than me, someone who is flattered by any goober who remembers my name.

    “We were never meant to be together. If we were, I wouldn’t have had all these ‘side dishes.'”
    Who knows what the universe and fate want? It’s not my fault, gravitational forces from the Zodiac forced me into those trysts next to the dumpster.

    “You’re clearly broken, and have been your whole life.”
    I’m broken, and have been my whole life.

      • Thanks!
        I actually can’t take credit for that phrase. I had a girlfriend long ago (before I met my ex-wife) that used that to describe someone who was being used as nothing more than a large emotional dump for someone else’s negative emotions.

  • “She went to Penn. That’s an Ivy League school.”

    UBT: I think that f*cking her gives me an Ivy League degree too (even though I went to Purdue). I now have an honorary PhD from her magical Ivy League Schmoopie p*ssy

    • LOL that’s classic. I say this as a lifelong academic. After you’re approximately 28, who gives a crap what college your romantic interest went to? (Especially if you’re cheating with them…)

    • HA! I.L.S.P. Good one Michelle.

      Ps, love the MichelleShocked name/reference. I had one of her albums long long ago 😉

    • This UBT runs on gummy candy (gummy bears, Swedish Fish, most any will do) and loads of hot tea while watching random reruns of S*x in the City

  • She is warm and fuzzy

    UBT: I have kept her in the dark about my true POS nature

    You need to practice reconciliation and forgiveness

    UBT I can use your christian beliefs to control you

    You only cared about money

    UBT All he cares about it money

  • Her reaction to my no contact and blocked voice/text.

    “I did nothing to deserve this!”

    My HSBT(Hound Sniffing Bullshit Translator) translation.

    “You did everything to cause this.”

    This one was super easy for such a young pup. I don”t want to spoil it.

    So probably just a reassuring ,that’ll do pup, that’ll do.

  • cheating XW: ” Do you think youre the only one who feels like a failure?”
    Ubt: I have a image to maintain to our son and coworkers. I must appear in mourning of our dead marriage
    for all to see. I need my pain kibble.
    Mean while I will keep my drinking, RX pill abuse and getting regular strange.

  • About 6 months after her abandonment…
    ( I became professional at NC, stopped dancing and was only communicating divorce requisite signatures)

    “I done you wrong will you take me back”
    UBT:
    Things with camperboy Aren’t swell.
    Or,
    Camperboy discovered my other hypotenuses.

    Me: crickets

  • “You didn’t meet my needs” “MY UNSPECIFIED, EVER CHANGING NEEDS ARE WHAT MATTER TO ME”,

    “I would have never left you”
    JUST FUCKED HOWORKER WHILE YOU WERE A USEFUL WIFE APPLIANCE

    “I wish I had never bred with you”
    I AM GOING TO USE YOUR STRONG LOVE FOR OUR CHILDREN TO HURT YOU. I WAS NOT INTERESTED IN THE HARD WORK PARTS OF PARENTING & LEFT THAT TO YOU – NOW I’M DISNEY DAD, JUST FOR SMALL STUFF, #KEEPING MY RESOURCES TO ATTRACT NEW CHUMP(S)”.

    “You have nothing to worry about”
    “NOT GIVING YOU THE SATISFACTION OF ADMITTING ANYTHING (drunk boasted that to subsequent live-in-partner who contacted me after she found out that he also cheated on her)

    “we should put aside our differences and sit together at kids grad”
    YOU MIGHT STILL BE USEFUL. HELP MANAGE MY IMAGE!

    UBT-in-training studies CL posts for inspiration & enjoys dark chocolate.

    • “I would have never left you. OMG I got that, too! They really do have a script, don’t they? I’m so sorry someone pulled these stunts on you. Here’s to Chump Lady, and the supportive community. It’s really helped me heal and move on.

      • I got the “I was never going to leave you and I didn’t cheat because you only have one breast” in the same breath. Most of the time I was caught off guard or in shock from his comments that I was equivalent to a deer in headlights.
        His hand was on the door knob and he escaped after he said that. My first thought after the shock was “ you left us years ago.” As if my self esteem couldn’t get lower, I went into overdrive interviewing surgeons for reconstructive surgery. I called my oncologist for recommendations and he told me not to do it. Don’t spend time recovering from something you don’t need. Live your life. Thing is it never bothered me. Cancer happened and I accepted it. It would never be an issue with anyone who cares about me. I had a three yr old, was pregnant and 33 ys old at diagnosis.
        Now I realize the ex literally meant he was never going to leave. He had a place to land when he wanted. Later said he would never leave his house but would move me and the kids out after I asked him to leave. He wasn’t going to get control of that narrative and step foot on any property we moved into.
        Nope, it was up to me to get us out safely and do all the work to divorce him because he was never going to LEAVE.After 33 yrs, I could write a BST book.
        A funny one was, “you never cook for me anymore.” What he meant was you no longer cater to my tastebuds only or leave the food out for my consumption whenever I choose to come home. I began to cook what we enjoyed and neatly put away the leftovers. His only step would be to reheat on his own. Loser

  • “If we stay married, it will ruin our friendship.”
    UBT: “I want all the same support and benefits we had, with none of the effort.”
    Which was pretty much how it was going, anyway. Nope. Also, if staying married was going to “hurt our friendship,” what did you think divorce was going to do?” 🙄

    • If we stay married, it will ruin our friendship……uuummmm….what the….. I think my head just exploded.
      If there is an award for complete lunacy, he would win with this one….like….really? You get the prize money though…….

      Wow….just wow…….

  • What they expect is that you will still love and cherish them, as they are so magnificent that, well how could you not. You just wouldn’t be receiving their wondrous presence. Unless of course you would agree to become their new side piece. Or at the very least, make them a sandwich every once in a while.

  • 4 months after I found about my STBXW’s (ongoing) affair of 10 months ….and 2 months after I had moved out (and 6 months after she filed for divorce with no reason)….

    Text from her: “I would like to talk to you face-to-face”

    UBT: “I just found out you have moved on with your life, have an honest, loving and loyal girlfriend and you are HAPPY!!! How dare you!!!! I know I am getting me some strange every night but who the hell do you think you are out with your partner…..you make me sick!. We must address this inexcusable behavior at once….NOW!!!”

    My UBT is motivated by truth, honesty, loyalty, non-phonies and most of all, LOGIC……I noticed a little “shimmy” after I entered the text….

    Meeting face-to-face: The Treacherous Snake Woman says – “I know this sounds f*cked up but I thought after you moved out we could date”

    (you know….most people don’t try separation first….like I offered the STBXW….they usually divorce and immediately date each other….very, very logical and quite common…also kind of hard when you are still having the affair)

    UBT (making grinding noises and emitting thick black smoke): “Hey dumbass…..you were supposed to wait for me to finish this affair (like you did a few years back) and then let me swoop back into your life….you know….for a few more years until I do it again….you have interrupted my pattern of serial cheating!!!….I AM ENTITLED!!!!….you are such a Narcissist!”

    Further into the conversation: Narci The Clown declares “I can tell by the look in your eyes you no longer have feelings for me” (not once in 1.5 years since D-Day has STBXW asked how I am doing)

    UBT (right before bursting into flames and causing a dumpster fire): ME, ME, ME and MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!! Look at ME! Feel bad for ME! How dare you not have any feelings for ME anymore!

    • They are so crazy,.

      My ex came by while I was out in my flower garden. We had been legally separated for over six months. I had gone out with a co worker a couple days before he came by. He wanted me to come over and see his apartment. I said no, I have no interest in your apartment. He then said “that guy you went out with is a lot older than you” (10 years) I said; “why do you care?’ he said “I just don’t want you to get hurt”

      BS translator: Hurting you is my prerogative, and besides I was hoping you could be my side piece when schmoopie and I are married. I know you will be mourning me forever, sparkle dick that I am.

      Yeah, no.

  • “You know don’t want a divorce, but we have to. And I’m sick about it, and you know that”.

    UBT: “You know I would rather keep having it both ways, but you filed for divorce and I guess there’s no getting around it. I’m sick about the consequences of losing half my net worth, selling my dream home, and doing my own bookkeeping for the business, and I already told you how hard this is on ME.”

    Side note: this was the text that finally woke me the fuck up from doing the pick-me-dance.

  • I shared this one in March 2019 when CL ran another UBT challenge, but it’s too great to pass up. FYI, my STBX, her AP, and I are all women.

    I could UBT the entire text dump that I have between STBX and AP lasting several weeks from the summer of 2018, but the UBT would choke after the first dozen or so nauseating exchanges. (The text dump file runs to almost 500 pages, even though it’s only from the last 7 weeks of Affair #2.) Here’s a nugget, though. Please note that this is an ACTUAL QUOTE!

    STBX texted to AP, “I think I am actually quite capable of accepting and appreciating being provided for, emotionally and otherwise. I may resist it a bit initially, but I’m ready. I’ve felt more on my own than I have liked for a long time. This is a tender subject with me because of how things are with LezChump. She can’t help having debilitating fatigue. And she does a lot with the house and kids. A lot. But the thought of being with someone who enjoys taking care of people and things and who has the energy to do it well and happily….SIGH.”

    (By the way, STBX had earlier claimed that she had been the one holding shit together most of the time for years, when in fact – due to differences in work schedules etc. – I’m the one who did 75% at least of the housework, and STBX knew it. She even admitted it in the text!)

    UBT: I think I am actually quite capable of receiving all the sparkly kibbles anyone gives me, now that I understand how amazing cake tastes on an ongoing basis. (I had it once before, but all too briefly.) When I don’t get enough sparkly kibbles, I have lonely sadz, even though LezChump is fulfilling her spouse appliance duties right next to me. #SpamalotIAmAllAlone

    Since LezChump feels tired all the time, the only appropriate thing for me to do is to fuck strange and then tell her she needs to accept my “secondary” relationship. Then she’ll really have the energy to be more sparkly for me! #WinWinWin

    I myself don’t feel like doing all the stuff with the kids and house well and happily, but a girl can dream about an even more perfect spouse appliance. #IMaytagYou

    Is that adequate supply bait for you, AP stranger from a bar who’s not good enough to leave my partner for? You’ve been getting uncomfortably passive-aggressive about my inability to commit to you in these marathon sexting sessions we keep having, so I want to “resist” more frequent communication but still bait you with vague, wistful non-promises about a possible future together, so that you’ll come see me in a few weeks for no-strings-attached me-centered sex, m’kay?

  • Before DDay, out of the blue, cheater( as he passed by me in the kitchen of our lovely new home, with dead fish eye stare), ” You couldn’t be pregnant at a possibly worse time.”
    UBT: ” Holy fuck, how can I tell OW that wife appliance is pregnant.”
    Later at DDay he said OW felt so bad about taking him away from our 3 year old child.
    Imagine how double bad she would feel if she knew I was pregnant.

    • “Imagine how double bad she would feel if she knew I was pregnant.”

      Yep, because obviously you two are not having sex. In fact, I bet in her world you are sleeping in a separate bedroom.

      • lol…that reminds me… owhore was shocked, I mean shocked to find out that we had an active sex life. She literally couldn’t believe it. What an idiot.

        • Yeah I was dying to call the OW and tell her that right after I found out about her my husband kept trying to have sex with me. I didn’t luckily, but I really wanted to. Apparently he painted the picture to her that I was frigid. Wrong!!! We had a great sex life and it was disgusting that he was trying to bed me after he told me about her and all the others. It was sad rejecting him but I didn’t feel safe anymore. I’m glad I didn’t do it even though it still haunts me a bit.

  • Him: “I made a mistake”

    Me: “What you’ve done isn’t a mistake – it’s a character flaw”

    Him: “Your words mean nothing to me. I will not let one mistake define who I am as a person. Besides, our marriage had been over for a long time and I was lonely”

    Me: “OK”

    UBT – You are not worthy of me. I am entitled to have sex with multiple subordinate coworkers, expose you to STIs, and risk our family’s financial security.

    • A mistake my ass.

      Words matter. A “mistake” minimizes the betrayal, makes a mole hill out of a mountain.

      Mine used the word too. Even said it was “just one mistake” and “just one lie.” He had a multi-year affair. Infuriating.

      • Exactly.

        This idiot’s “mistake” involved several different women over at least eight years. Such a POS.

  • OW apparently told her boyfriend she cheated on him with my fiancée (Online) because she was hoping by doing that he wouldn’t cheat on me with someone else (in person).

    I can’t believe he fell for that shit.

  • ” We lost the spark”

    “My dick is misfiring and I need new plugs – please take some responsibility for my misfiring dick wont you?”

  • On DDay-

    Him: I’m going to be here at the house a few days a week and then I’ll go to her house. I’ll come back here and hang out with the family and I’ll mow the lawn and do the taxes, things like that. You and (the whore) can be friends so that it makes scheduling easier.

    Me: what the serious fuck are you talking about?

    Him: Yeah, I’ve been thinking about how this will work in practice and I’ve been talking it through with (my codependent flying monkey best friend) and he thinks it’s a good idea.

    Me: So you’ve been talking to (friend and whore) about how my life will run now with your cheating schedule?

    Him: Well you can call it whatever you want but I’ve got a girlfriend now so that it will be easier and safer. I won’t have to buy sex anymore with our marital funds or go to sex clubs. I was worried about our clients seeing me, so I’m now in a relationship with (young whore who WAS a client). It’s a good thing!

    At that moment, the UBT blew a gasket and I had it fixed and reconditioned for the onslaught of more bullshit, here’s what the UBT said to that little episode:

    You are a deluded narcissistic freak. Your wife does not accept your plan to have your cake and eat it too at her expense and lack of love and safety. You have just deeply hurt your loyal wife of 25 years. She can pay someone to mow the lawn or do it herself (you didn’t actually do it) and she has a tax accountant (you didn’t do the taxes either). So the UBT says-GET THE FUCK OUT. Get a lawyer, and leave your beautiful and loving wife to find someone who will love and cherish her. Don’t let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.
    Thanks,
    From the UBT

    I feed the UBT whatever it wants 🙂

  • She’s a nice lady! You’d like her….she goes to church!

    My UBT version…
    Um…just look past that she’s married and I’m married and we’re each breaking our marriage vows. She attends church! But she also likes to fuck strange and break up families! It’s all good! YOU SHOULD BE BEST FRIENDS AND WORSHIP ME AND COMPETE FOR ME!!!!!!

  • Said during wreckonciliation that showed how committed he was (I still thought he was remorseful even after this comment fml) “I’m glad my law course is only 6 months because I doubt I can take much more of this”
    UBT: “once I have my qualifications I’ll be done with the fake remorse and will be moving on to victim number 3”

    Said after I contacted him for yet another round of reconciliation after only 3 months apart. I asked him to tell me if he had anyone else. He replied “ I don’t have, no want, nor need any commitments ” (He had a girlfriend of 2.5 months)
    UBT: “I don’t have not want more need to be honest with my wife I’ve fucked over for 12 years. I can have both of you without committing to truth. What is that anyway?”

  • I don’t want to live in one house with you.
    UBT. What normal people do, who are married.

    I am never going to be happy.
    I am never going to be satisfied
    UBT. There hole where your soul should be.
    This who he really, is, pay attention

    I can’t talk to you about the relationship but I can give you the silent treatment.
    UBT. You should be able to read his mind and plan therapy sessions.

    I really loved you
    UBT. Who are you try to convince? He loved
    in de past. When you where new and shinny.
    Now he chasing shinny and new. Soon he will “loved” her too.

    I think I am making big mistake for leaving you but I am doing it anyway.
    UTB yes you are. You are leaving me for town whore. Good luck with that big mistake

    We have nothing I common.
    UTB: It took you 6 six years to figure that out.

    I don’t mind if you go on deployment.
    UBT: I can’t shoot you but others can.

    UBT: Needs lots of chocolate and day at salt baths.

  • I love you.
    I use you.

    I love you so much.
    I use you so much.

    You’re the great love of my life.
    You’re the great use of my life.

    I’ve never loved anyone as much as I love you.
    I’ve never used anyone as much as I’ve used you.

    I love you but I’m not in love with you.
    I used you but now you’re no use to me.

  • “I need to feel safe.” in regards to me “scaring” her by catching her in lies.

    UBT: Tell me how you’re catching me so I can cheat better.

    “I need a safe space to open up.”
    UBT: Timid forest creature refuses to tell the truth and needs a mythical setting.

    “I need to get healthy.”
    This was in regards to needing “space”
    UBT: I can’t clarify exactly what this means to be “healthy” so really this is just “space” to fuck around with AP as long as I want.
    There’s a shit ton. Honestly, I’ve thought about making a book out of it just for my own keeping.

  • Mine has told me several times that I cut off his balls. Both at home and at work.

    Here’s the truth: he took a passive role in everything. he didn’t clean up after himself, he asked advice before doing anything financial, home related, relationship-related or work-related.

    He started out doing the bills but paid everything late and I took that over. If I cut off his balls it’s because he kept handing them to me with a silver platter and a sigh of resolution.

    The truth is matter is I’m a take charge person. And I’m a codependent, recovering. Since we’ve been separated I started going to Al-Anon. I’ve learned what my business is and what other people’s business is and to keep my hands off of theirs. But I’m intelligent, I’m smart and I’m a hard worker and that’s a bad combination to put with somebody who’s passive.

    Maybe I am masculated him by being too good at what I was doing but I don’t think that men who do their own work surrender their own balls. And what he’s calling balls, I call power. He relinquished his own power. He never felt he had it. And that’s sad.

    when it comes to it at a physical sense, yes I asked him to get a vasectomy after our 7th pregnancy resulted in a miscarriage which nearly killed me.

    He went through that surgery. I don’t think he was immasculated by it, in fact I think he got a lot more sex afterwards. But if he didn’t want to have “his balls cut off” you’d think you would have offered to have worn a condom.

    My UBT says, “Don’t tell me I’ve been cutting off your balls if you’ve been handing them to me with a knife in your own hands. The blood on your hands.” You participated in your own emasculation.

    Sucks to be you.

    • (((Mutha)))
      I am so sorry for all the loss of pregnancies that you suffered through, and for how you have been treated.

  • After I’d read his texts to his one mate, describing fucking the rat faced whore, “None of it was true, it was just lad’s banter!

    UBT: Oh fuck, I’ve been rumbled! Now I’m going to come up with the most pathetic lame excuse ever and hope you’ll swallow it, because you’ve swallowed my bullshit before, and besides I have zero respect for you and you’re really, really stupid. ”

    When he came to collect his stuff, me: so why all the lies? Him: I didn’t want to hurt you!

    UBT: If I tell you another blatant lie, I ‘m really hoping you’ll believe I actually care about you because you’ ve got yourself a solicitor and thls shit is getting serious and I’m going to lose out!

    Him:”you were right about her! She’s been using me!

    UBT: I’m trying to get you onside by praising your perspicacity, in the hope you’ll be sorry for my naivety and take me back, so none of these nasty consequences will fall on my head.

    At court, to my solicitor: Please thank Rob (my brother) for being there for chumpnomore6.

    UBT: See! I’m not a bad person I’m a *good* person! I care about chumpnomore6, and I really, really care what you, my soon to be ex wife’s solicitor thinks about me, no matter what chumonomore6 has said about me.Because impression management is all important! My expression of ‘care’ wipes all that nasty shit she says I did out!

    The UBT is now feebly waving it’s sprockets, and really, really wants some peace and quiet with hot chocolate and mini marshmallows.

    I have lots more, but the UBT says no! For the love of God, have mercy!

    • Yep, honestly I wonder sometimes how the ex cheater kept a straight face at some of the shit I swallowed. I have gotten rid of most of the self anger, and sometimes I laugh at myself.

      I know it wasn’t stupidity though, just trust.

  • I called the husband of the OW, he hung up on me after I said: “Your wife is having a sexual affair.” I got the feeling he had calls like this in the past. This is not her first affair. 30 minutes later, I got a few text messages from Toxic Ex Meth Head.
    I will share the text messages from his phone at another time, but I am so grateful for CN and CL and the UBT for helping me to build the necessary skills to see through his gaslighting. I did NOT respond to the text messages. I am no contact with him for 15 weeks and have no intentino to ever give him the privilige of speakingto me again.
    He told me in the last text of that day: “get counseling.” Hmmm…. as I read the responses on this post, and after reviewing the text messages with my support network, I realize he always uses the, “You need therapy” card. In FACT, I can trace this back to the first time I thought I was losing my mind because the relationship with him was, a relationSHIT. I went to TWO therapists and they both counseled me to leave him. It took me another year to leave, but DAMN IT, the GASLIGHTING.
    UBT would say: Stop fact checkign me and bringing reality into my world, I only like fantasy and false narrative! Look at crazy and scary you! I will shine a bright light on YOU and tell you that you are going crazy and need therapy. Stop looking at me and what I’m doing!!!! It’s YOU and your problems that are creating all the problems in this realtionship. Get therapy and keep paying the bills and taking care of the house and property and SHUT UP.
    JFC, I am SOOOO GLAD to be out of there. What an ASSHOLE.

    • I have decided that if my granddaughter gets married while I am still here, I am going to tell her to educate herself on gas lighting, and recommend CN for her first study guide.

      Forget that, I am going to tell her as soon as I see her again, after this damn lock down. That way I am not insulting her intended, but she has the info. I don’t think she is in a serious relationship right now. She is 21.

      For good measure I will tell her mother.

  • Cheater on DDay: ” You would really like her. She is a lot like you.”
    UBT: Double the pleasure, double the fun.

    Geeesh I am so nice and such a peacekeeper, I might have liked her, BUT, I never met her, I don’t even know her name..
    But, that was years ago, now I would love to meet her and now, NO, I would not like her.
    Only another Chump can know how much pain an OW can cause.
    I know it is really all on cheater, still I really don’t think too fondly of her!
    🤦‍♀️

    • It is on the cheater, but the OW in most cases has been in our houses, has been seated at the Office Christmas Party at the same table as cheater and betrayed spouse. Has cheerfully allowed the cheater to buy her food, gifts and helped pay her bills, has bad mouthed betrayed spouse to not only cheater but to her friends and co workers. So they are as wrong as the cheater. But, maybe that is just me.

      Yes there are exceptions, but most betrayed spouses will have similar experiences. For these cheaters they seem to have a need to bring the whore and wife together even if the wife is unaware.

      • You are right Susie Lee. That OW made the initial decision to have sex with a man who had a wife and in lots of cases, children, but I did not make vows with her, but still you are correct!
        It burns me too of how much he would have spent on her, the best of food, wine, ( I am not fond of booze, but I bet they laughed over many a sip). There would have been thoughtful gifts of flowers & jewellery too, he is a very charming man. They would have enjoyed many happy company times. He worked away and kept me separate from his “job.”
        Also, I bet she loved sex in the shower.
        That was one fault I had, I did not enjoy sex in the shower.
        I am smiling here. I have always maintained a great sense of humour.
        I enjoy your thoughtful posts Susie Lee. Yet, I am sorry you have reason to be here.
        Understanding is something you & I & all Chumps share.
        Big hugs to you! ♥️

        • Oh I get that you didn’t make vows to her and she/they owe you, me or us nothing. I think that is what sticks in my craw. The folks who say she owes us nothing, but yet we should treat them with respect. Yeah, no.

          We don’t owe her respect, we are free to disrespect her as she did us (or not). Or as in my case ignore her totally, just kind of wipe her off our shoe as if we stepped in dog shit.

          In my case, quite honestly in real time I gave schmoopie very little thought. She was just the latest receptacle, and she got “lucky” and landed the turd. I never contacted her, or gave her the time of day. One because she was nothing, but also I would have given her or him the satisfaction of reacting to either of them. Honestly, I rarely called my ex, only to ask him to file for divorce, since he wanted it. He was constantly contacting or trying to contact me. I quickly lost respect for my ex. He acted pretty vile on his own merit.

          My betrayal was long in the past, it got brought back to mind when the ex and his whore blew up his relationship with our son. She was a huge part of that too. She said really nasty things to my daughter in law, about her and about my son and granddaughter. She spared my grandson, likely because he wasn’t living in the house with his mom and dad by that time.

          The trauma began to rise in me after years of rarely thinking of it. I started researching NPD, because surely this man is sick, that he would again blow up his family. One of the hits I got a was hit on CN. Love her. I laughed at not only her stuff, but all you wonderful commentors. Wish I had her back when I went through my betrayal, I likely would have gotten out of it two years before I did, and exposed them in the process.

          But as for schmoopie, mess with me, I’ll deal, mess with my son… whole different story. This time he and she are both the guilty party. My daughter in law said last time they were in Indy, they went to see schmoopies grandchildren, and didn’t make any effort to see his two grandchildren. So she has made sure her family is the only one that counts, and the fuckwit has gone along with it. He once told me she throws things, maybe he is afraid of her. 🙂

          I am a step grandparent, and I can say that I am as responsible for making sure those little girls are treated equal to the grandchildren on my side. We both make every effort to assure that. Mine are grown now, but they know they are still valued and we see them as often as we see the others.

          So in short fat little bitch is lucky I was not in the same state as she when she went on the attack against my sons family. I am normally pretty reserved, but I might have lost it in that case.

      • Yes there are exceptions, but most betrayed spouses will have similar experiences. For these cheaters they seem to have a need to bring the whore and wife together even if the wife is unaware.

        Oh yes! I was a victim of that. I in ited the rat faced whore for Christmas, I felt sorry for her because she had a horrible family. Then she asked if she could stay for a while until she found somewhere to live, I said yes (she was the guest from hell), she repaid me by fucking my husband.

        Later, fuckwit tried to get me to live in his flat with her, (she’s my mate, she’ll help with the bills), luckily I said no.

        It’s duper’s delight; how they would have loved it, me all unknowing whilst they fucked and sniggered behind my back. They are two really *evil* people.

        • My fuckwit brought her into our home several times, on the excuse of “she is a co worker” She was more than a co worker, she was his direct report.

          I remember once close to Dday, we had gone on a mini trip and my H had rented the Honeymoon suite for us to stay in. It got kind of mixed up in that the room was not available, so the hotel gave us another nice room and some free stuff to make up for it. I was relaying that story to whore who was sitting on my couch. Because at the time, she was just a co worker, I had no idea. I didn’t realize until later that she had a really pizzed look on her face. I bet there was trouble in adultery paradise that night.

          He had also invited her to church, and put her in my face several other times. They are sick bastards. Both of them.

          • ” I didn’t realize until later that she had a really pizzed look on her face. I bet there was trouble in adultery paradise that night.”

            Sounds like he was goading her into the pick me dance.

            Fuckers all. Vomit. 🤢

            • You know I never thought of that. He didn’t tell the hotel story, I did. But maybe he engineered it without me realizing it. I didn’t know her well, so I was just trying to make conversation. So weird.

              I have never sneaked around, but it seems like if I were to do that; bringing the co-sneaker and the spouse together is just not a good idea.

            • Oh I am sure part of the thrill for him was the deceit. He even bragged of my trust for him, and this was just a couple weeks before Dday.

              I used to wonder if when all the dust settled and they had been married for a year or so, if he was surprised that the thrill didn’t continue. I believe many of these guys, especially at mid age really think that thrill will last.

              He cheated on her several times per my daughter in law, so likely it didn’t take long for the thrill to end, he had to find another fix.

              After all, they have been acting like teenagers, so it makes sense that they would be just as clueless as a teenager.

  • My UBT gets tested on occasion, never directly by the Limited. For the most part nothing gets it heated up until the double edged sword of use comes my way via attempted triangulation through adult children. Such a weak coward of a man and the oozing puss fulled skank who takes on the role of committed specialness believing she’s the one and only.

    Adult D: Everyone thinks it’s ridiculous that you won’t cone to (insert invite to enemy by family member).Dad said he’d talk to you.

    UBT: Chewed this up and spit it out once again. Damn if their thrill is gone and the need to normalize, create chaos, and maintain a good guy image is no longer acceptable. NO.

    UBT:

  • Fuckwit:
    “I’ll quit my job and drain the 401K if I have to, but you’re not moving the kids out of state away from me.”

    (The kids that he can’t be bothered to wake up for on Christmas and Easter morning, that kids he can’t remember their dates of birth, the kids he scares and wakes up at midnight by yelling obscenities at their mother because she can’t bring herself to have sex with his cheating ass to keep the peace that night???)

    UBT: I am willing to make myself unemployed because I do not want to pay child support. I will also spent the retirement fund because I know I am coming into a huge inheritance any day, and you have nothing else but the fund. You will be too scared to leave now, and I’ll continue to be a man child that is slowing killing you by wearing you down to poor health and poverty.

  • X: “I love you but I’m not in love with you. I think of you more as family, because we’ve been together so long that you’ve elevated to such a level that you’re now family. But you don’t feel like a lover to me.”

    UBT: You’re no match for new pussy – of which I now have supply – with my worker-whore who also thinks it’s perfectly fine to have a relationship with the boss just a month into working at the company, while feigning ignorance that he is married. That’s entirely on her for not checking (shrug)! But let’s not part ways, because you’re such a useful wife appliance! You maintain an air of dignity and grace for me, while the whore gives me attention and reverence because she’s 10 years younger and is used to being mentally abused just like in her previous relationships! Ah, the sweet smell of cake is too much to resist. Now go and do the laundry like a good maid and shut up. Your crying is annoying.

  • What is funny is that I had to start running my STBX’s emails through my own UBT a while back for my own sanity. Their nonsense is hard to wrap a sane brain cell around. It’s also mind blowing that we have put up with so much insanity for so many years. Talk about getting off of the crazy train.

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