Be Your Own UBT

The Universal Bullshit Translator bursts its sockets with pride to think it has spawned a multitude of other UBTs. You see them on the CN boards, or the comments here — hey, translate this! And a new army of snarky bullshit translators are on the job.

Your Friday Challenge is to shred some word salad and introduce your UBT. Got a drunken text? Some Stupid Shit your cheater said? A vapid listicle on being friends with your ex? Decode it for us.

Extra points if you share what motivates your UBT — cookies? Songs of praise? How do you maintain it? Does the original UBT have any grandchildren? Did your UBT spawn some other baby UBTs?

I love you, but I’m not in love with you.

You don’t love me.

The UBT needs a cookie now and a rub down.

TGIF!

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Gonegirl
Gonegirl
3 years ago

“She does what I tell her to!” Referring to Howorker. My response, “She supposed to do what you tell her to! She’s an employee!”

Looking back, I now realize their relationship is another abusive relationship in the making.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago
Reply to  Gonegirl

Same with mine, she was his direct report. He was not only scrambling to fix his adulterous image, he was fighting to save his job. He could have easily gotten fired, but lucky for him he was in tight with the mayor, and the mayor was as big of a mess as he was. He only got demoted and put back out on street patrol. He an the other Police Officer who was humping a female cop, who later married the mayor.

God that PD was a cesspool of slime. Probably still is. Those of us chumps who escaped it are so fortunate.

Poconochump
Poconochump
3 years ago
Reply to  Gonegirl

Laughing out loud!!

Magically Chumplicious
Magically Chumplicious
3 years ago
Reply to  Gonegirl

Cheaters (and narcs) love their power imbalance. From keeping their chump in the dark and their duper’s delight to having OW dance to be picked. It’s all about the power imbalance, which only underscores how futile it is to try to have a partnership with them since there’s no reciprocity.

Adelante
Adelante
3 years ago

Yes, and all the while painting themselves as the victim!

Thirtythreeyearsachump
Thirtythreeyearsachump
3 years ago

“It is only a problem if you make it a problem.”
IT IS A PROBLEM.
“I haven’t been happy for a long time.”
I AM THE ONLY ONE WHO MATTERS HERE. LETS TALK ABOUT MY HAPPINESS. I’M NOT HAPPY THAT YOU UNCOVERED MY AFFAIR.

Dear UBT, you inspire me. I stand as apprentice to your transponders, your snarky wisdom. I say to myself, “Self, what would the UBT think of that clearly bullshit ridden commentary?”. Then I am liberated from my chumpy gullibility.

I am deeply grateful. Thank you dear UBT. I raise a lebkucken in your honor.

WaitingForTuesday
WaitingForTuesday
3 years ago

Haha, I think it would be a fun new tradition if all chumps had lebkucken at some point in the year, either on a D-Day anniversary or their old Wedding anniversary, or for holidays just as a little inside joke to ourselves. It could become a new tradition, that later historians would look back and find that it originated with the UBT. Just a thought!

Left It ALL Behind
Left It ALL Behind
3 years ago

Tracy’s first post was April 19th, 2012. I nominate April 19th as the anniversary to honor CL, the UBT, and CN. Either that or the release date of LACGAL.

Left It ALL Behind
Left It ALL Behind
3 years ago

So, then maybe go with when CL announced LACGAL, which was May 10, 2016. In my opinion, the UBT deserves 2 dates of honor. That way, everyone gets to eat even more lebkucken.

thelongrun
thelongrun
3 years ago

Ok, I never finished responding to last Friday’s post, but now that I’ve seen this, I have to comment. How did I miss that Tracy became CL on both my father’s birthday (unfortunately, he’s been dead for 31 years this month), which is also the same day the FW XW officially moved out of what was then our house and home (now mine only), and moved in, literally a half mile down the street, to be w/her POS loverboy and soon to be former boss (who was, say it w/me, 15 yo than her and much richer than either me or the FW XW. You know, a clear cliche for any married woman to show she is lacking a moral compass. Not to mention what it says about her similarly married AP).

She was fired slowly, w/a few months to find another job (all the while, unable to understand why this had to happen to her, or why her soon-to-be former colleagues were treating her differently. But yet, admitting that she and her AP had agreed that she would take the fall for all of this professionally.????‍♂️), while her AP got to stay on as head of our state’s college system, only to lose his job 3 years later for a selfish douche-move that royally pissed off many in our state and that got him to be the recurring topic of discussion on our local NPR station for about two weeks last March/April, until the board of the college system finally accepted/pressured him for his resignation (while still singing the sparkly turd’s praises. Ugh.).

So, to tie last week’s Friday challenge together w/this one’s, one of the stupid shit things the FW XW said on D-day that took my UBT awhile to figure out and respond to in my head and heart was, “I had to know if I could make the leap.” That was one of her big excuse’s for having the affair. After over a year, still in shock at what this fuckwit (that had started off in high school as being my friend) had done to me, our marriage and our family, I’d finally figured out my response to that.

Which was, it’s the easiest thing in the world to take the leap she did. To betray the trust of your marriage partner in such a deceptive and shitty way when it’s fully revealed. That is, if you are of such shitty character and/or have a personality disorder to begin with, and never took your vows and commitment seriously. Because I think we’re all guilty in marriages and partnerships of not being perfect to our partners, and many times fall far short. But infidelity crosses a hard line, that you can’t come back from.

I think that’s why it’s long been viewed in many societies as a completely reprehensible act. You can come back from some other offenses in your marriage and/or partnerships. But to anyone w/an ounce of respect for themselves, they will not long tolerate a spouse or partner that commits that intentional act of emotional, psychological and possibly physical abuse that is infidelity. It’s at least a double threat to your spouse or partner, and possibly a triple threat. All in one selfish stroke. It’s really hard to come back from that.

Trust that they suck. Always. Live long and prosper, CN.

Karen A
Karen A
3 years ago

April 19th is the perfect date to celebrate CL and her “Leave a Cheater Gain a Life” mantra. April 19th is celebrated as “Patriot’s Day” in Massachusetts and the beginning of the American Revolution… think Paul Revere’s ride and the “shot heard round the world” at the Battle of Lexington and Concord. (My apologies to fellow chumps in England). CL certainly began our Chump Revolution with the beginning of this blog and her message of hope for all chumps “round the world.”

I’ve been Cheated
I’ve been Cheated
3 years ago

Noooo, that’s my Wedding Anniversary ????

So Done
So Done
3 years ago

“I never intended to hurt you.”

UBT: I never intended for you to find out.

“At some point in our marriage, you stopped taking care of me.”

UBT: At some point in our marriage, i.e., after we had 2 kids, you stopped giving me 100% of your attention. And I need 100% of your (and everyone else’s) attention, all the time.

WaitingForTuesday
WaitingForTuesday
3 years ago

Haha, I like it! All chumps should bake, buy and eat Lebkucken on April 19th each year.

Ashley
Ashley
3 years ago

Exit reason… 1 of many:

Do you remember the one thing I wanted to do it Disney? I wanted to have a glass of wine at Disney park. You didn’t remind me I never put myself first.

UBT: I know I’m a piece of s*** husband who lied and gaslighted you for 5 years. I can’t admit that though so I’m going to do everything in my power to blame you for everything that’s going on right now.

**That 1 line cost me 6 weeks in therapy blaming myself for the “if only”

Marzy-d
Marzy-d
3 years ago
Reply to  Ashley

UBT: I always put myself first. Get with the program.

Magically Chumplicious
Magically Chumplicious
3 years ago
Reply to  Ashley

Ugh, those “if onlys” cheaters leave behind are radioactive turds. Chumps tend to be conscientious and take these things to heart and cheaters know this. More blame-shifting. I’m still working through his “if only” parting gifts in therapy too.

Chumpkins
Chumpkins
3 years ago

>radioactive turds

Brilliant phrase!! They have this gift for evil mind bombs quite aside from playing on our conscientiousness. So many mind bombs to clear out now that I understand…

When we broke up, I asked him to help drop off me and some of my things at a fleabag hotel (where I saved up enough money to move into a good apartment complex within a couple of months). I figure everything is over, and he’ll just drop off my stuff and leave. I thought it was decency motivating him to drop off my stuff so it wouldn’t drag out. Instead he’s outraged that we’re not having dinner!? What?! I thought he hated me, and we’re severing ties!? So I told him I’d already agreed to eat with one of my new neighbors at the nearby burger joint & bar. Welcome wagon, to hear about my new neighborhood. So he makes this big deal that I was some sleazy whore who was having dinner with a “dirtbag” when I clearly owed him ??? dinner??? I blamed myself for not being able to explain it better or that I should have known what he expected. No regrets about sparing myself one last dinner with him. It felt so good to write my view of that situation.

Later, I’d realize how he controlled me with those “sleeze” accusations since I reacted by going an extra mile to be without reproach. Also, irrational sexual jealousy was big red flag I never recognized until too late. In hindsight, I see that I handled a rough financial break up rather well then. Finally, I see what always outraged him was when I offended his sense of superiority. He had to knock me down then. Then he had to go NC with me as I just kept excelling without him dragging me down.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago
Reply to  Chumpkins

And some of them are IED bombs. They are planted in your mind and one day you remember it and say WTF.

Involuntary Georgian
Involuntary Georgian
3 years ago

I was “lucky” to get so many different (and mutually contradictory) explanations of why it was all my fault that I pretty quickly realized that it wasn’t about me at all. I can’t even remember all of them any more, though at the time I kept an extensive list in a journal so I could keep track of them.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago

Same here. It was that, no it was this, no I just lied to make you hate me. I mentioned before, but I honestly think these fuckwits don’t remember anything they said, they are just flailing in the moment.

Lou
Lou
3 years ago

Georgian

You were not the only one????????????
It feels good when the realization hits our brain and heart and we KNOW ( regardless of the bs coming our way)that it was Not about us.
Ex:
I was too caring- I wasn’t caring enough
I wanted sex all the time- I didn’t want to have sex
The list goes on

Badmovie19
Badmovie19
3 years ago
Reply to  Lou

Yep. You’re too independent – stop acting needy.

Kathleen
Kathleen
3 years ago

Before I found out about the Owhore he told a friend “I’m not leaving my wife, I’m just having FUN”.

The affair was going on for 2 1/2 years and while they were having a good time.. I was getting Irritable Bowel
Syndrome with severe nervous collapse. Still with me today years later.

BeenThereandWasAChump
BeenThereandWasAChump
3 years ago
Reply to  Kathleen

I developed a terrible cough! Out of the blue I would start coughing, coughing hard enough that I would throw up and break blood vessels in my eyes. Went through days and days of testing and they found nothing. As soon as he left, it disappeared. So strange, but my body knew what I tried to spackle for so long.

ivyleaguechump
ivyleaguechump
3 years ago
Reply to  Kathleen

Our bodies know. Shortly after he started his affair, I had my first bout of anaphylaxis related to a strange condition called “Mast Cell Activation Syndrome”. Stress is an absolute trigger for this strange condition. I was being gas-lighted, abused, and subjected to strange new flora being introduced into my system.

One of the very first things he said after telling me All About His Double Life, 7 years after it started, was how my illness was in NO WAY related to his affair(s). I hadn’t even brought it up.

So the UBT says, “I am far too splendid in my own estimation to ever be held accountable for anything tangibly negative that happened to you as a result of my behavior.” We won’t discuss the HPV diagnosis.

FormerlyKnownAs
FormerlyKnownAs
3 years ago
Reply to  ivyleaguechump

Interesting. I developed food allergies and low thyroid precisely at the same time as his cheating started. I was sick for 13 years. When he told me how long he’d been cheating I was amazed that it was the exact same timeframe. In hindsight I think it was because the hard core gas lighting started then so he could hide his cheating. My body knew something that I didn’t!

WiserChump
WiserChump
3 years ago
Reply to  ivyleaguechump

Yes! Weird dermitis on face, then shingles, then jaw pain and couldnt open mouth. In the 7 months since d-day I havent been sick once. Even with the grief and lack of sleep. Not even a cold.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago
Reply to  Kathleen

Yep, it does cause us damage, and way before we even know what is going on.

Kim
Kim
3 years ago
Reply to  Kathleen

I have IBS too and it was terrible the last year with the ex.

It got much better once I dumped him.

Sirchumpalot
Sirchumpalot
3 years ago
Reply to  Kathleen

So sorry. I got IBS from all the stress plus a complete nervous breakdown.

FreeWoman
FreeWoman
3 years ago
Reply to  Kathleen

Our bodies know!
Sending you love, I hope you can heal ❤️

Kathleen
Kathleen
3 years ago
Reply to  FreeWoman

Free Woman

Yes our bodies do know and react to the extreme stress. I wish all of us here at CN find peace, health
and understanding that is was never our fault.
We chose the wrong spouse/bf who are morally corrupt.

Thank you for the kind words. ????

Loku
Loku
3 years ago
Reply to  Kathleen

“ the body keeps the score” is an amazing book
The body know, the stress is there- that’s why so many of us ends up with a health issues:
Migraine, infections, join pains, constant exhaustion- now I know the reason

Suzy
Suzy
3 years ago
Reply to  Loku

Cancer! Really. I along with so many others seem to have betrayal and cancer at the same time. It’s awful.

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
3 years ago

“If it had been a two-week affair or a two and a half year affair, it wouldn’t have mattered. You never would have forgiven me.” (note: it was 2 1/2 years)

UBT: “Tag. You’re it!”

UBT is satisfied with a quick pet for this one. Too easy.

Chumpedtwice
Chumpedtwice
3 years ago

“You decorated the lounge at a time that was inconvenient to me because I was so busy at work”

You weren’t busy at work. You were shagging one of your customers. I meanwhile was working in ICU as a nurse on the frontline in a global pandemic. I’ve been such an amazing wife, I actually feel positive that ‘decorating the lounge’ was my worst offence.

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
3 years ago
Reply to  Chumpedtwice

Yeah. It’s impressive that he could only come up with “decorating the lounge.” So lame! Even the UBT is bored.

By the way, thanks for all your work as an ICU nurse.

ChumpToTheMax
ChumpToTheMax
3 years ago

“I needed to go on secret cruise with my GF from 20 years ago to see if I still loved her.”

UBT- After 20 years and two kids with me, I guess that means you don’t love me. bye-bye.

UBT needs chocolate and wine to get through this muck.

nomar
nomar
3 years ago

(From my cheating 43-year-old ex-wife and mother of our two sons about one of several APs she met online playing video games): “When I’m with him, it’s like life on easy mode.”

Translation: “He doesn’t hold me to any standards (e.g., fidelity, honesty, responsibility), and when I’m with him I don’ t have to help sort out any issues related to kids, aging parents, running a home, or finances.” Eventually I figured out that anyone who resents adulting isn’t marriage material.

FreeWoman
FreeWoman
3 years ago
Reply to  nomar

I was married to a perpetual child, as well. It SUCKED. He wouldn’t even do our taxes, and after three years, I did them, caught them up, and was stuck with that job!
Wish I would’ve realized, he wanted a caretaker, not a partner. It was so hard to be the only adult!

Finding Peace
Finding Peace
3 years ago
Reply to  FreeWoman

My Ex couldn’t drive the Tax paperwork I prepared to the accountant. The accountant was only 8 minutes away but that was too much adulting! The funniest part was he tried to blame his affair on the fact that “we needed someone to take care of us”. I didn’t! He did; I am glad the burden of wiping his A** is his daddy’s problem and not mine anymore.

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
3 years ago
Reply to  FreeWoman

How are these fuckwits handling adult activities without us? (And by “adult” I don’t mean XXX. They have that area covered.)

I derive some pleasure from picturing my x trying to figure out how to do the things I used to do or help him with. I’m not even that great with computers, but I was treated like the in-house IT expert. He called upon me to handle complicated technical issues like “how to attach a document to an email. ” haha. For a physician, he could be dumb as a stump about some things.

And then of course, like many of you, I handled a long list of non-sexy tasks like taxes, bills, finances, property management etc….

The biggest task of all was regulating my ex’s moods. That, unfortunately, was a full-time job. And when he made some socially awkward comment at a party, I helped tap dance him out of it. Ah, the chumpiness!

Maybe schmoopie has stepped into my role nicely. She can have it. It’s a booby prize (aptly named).

I’m free. Hurt and betrayed (still, gah!), but free.

Mitz
Mitz
3 years ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

Yes, explaining to my ex how it’s not proper to defraud insurance companies, or feud with the neighbours, or make rude comments to family members. Thank the LORD that is in the past.

He couldn’t even put the garbage out properly

sap
sap
3 years ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

They are handling “adult activities” by finding someone new to do them! After our separation, my ex-husband couldn’t keep the kids because work blah blah blah.. (He does not work on the weekends and certainly could have his kids). Now he is remarried he can keep them some… SHE keeps them. She cooks, cleans and raises his kids while they are there.

I think most cheaters just replace, they never learn to adult.

Chumptopia
Chumptopia
3 years ago
Reply to  sap

They avoid adulting by finding a new mommy/daddy to do it for them. These people never grow up and couldn’t be on their own for nine minutes.

Badmovie19
Badmovie19
3 years ago
Reply to  Chumptopia

Indeed. My now Ex- H is still seeing his older married howorker. She’s only about 9 years younger than his mommy. Guess you got to get the narc supply from from whoever is willing to give it.

Motherchumper99
Motherchumper99
3 years ago
Reply to  sap

My XH of 25 years is a partner at a big firm but claimed he didn’t know how (lie to avoid adulting) to do most adulting tasks has been with AP, who is in her 30s but literally less competent than my 12 year old— she doesn’t cook, clean, shop, pay bills, and has never lived away from her cheater father’s home. Good luck fuckers! Not my monkeys not my circus!

I’m almost 6 years out and my significant other is a real Mench in every sense of the word. Thank God I seem to have learned something and improved my picker through all of the hell!

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago

My husband is so much different than my cheater ex. In so many ways. But, I was with him for several years before marriage. We both wanted to be sure we knew each other.

WeAreTheChumpions
WeAreTheChumpions
3 years ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

This would be a great CN topic–would love to read about all the adulting and mommying we did for our fuckwits and how they’re managing to muddle through life without us.

Yas
Yas
3 years ago
Reply to  nomar

Good reminder. My idiot STBXH also met AP online on a video game.

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
3 years ago

“I was tired of looking at new furniture.”

UBT:
“I’ve seen Lost in Translation and hyper identify with the Bill Murray character.”

(Note: Once we were dividing assets, x seemed to want all that furniture.)

It’s early. UBT lapped up the mimosa and has fallen back to sleep.

Chump's Cousin
Chump's Cousin
3 years ago

I do not wish to derail this conversation about the UBT, who has my everlasting admiration and who deserves all the lebkuchen it wants. But I would like to take a quick moment to thank CL and CN. I am the writer of Monday’s letter. I so appreciate all of the insights from both CL and CN. There was a lot that resonated in your stories and advice, especially about the need to control the uncontrollable. And the comment from Nemo that “The rock is a lump of coal. The poor drowning chump is convinced it’s a diamond. Or if they squeeze it hard enough, long enough, it will become a diamond.” Nailed it! In fact, enough nails in the response and comments to build a barn from the ground up!

I’ll be there when my cousin is ready to gain her life, but will enforce my own boundaries around conversations about her relationship with the fuckwit. Thanks again, Chump Lady and Chump Nation. I wish everyone all the best.

Freefromchaos
Freefromchaos
3 years ago
Reply to  Chump's Cousin

I too had my letter translated by the UBT and it was gold. I hadn’t laughed that hard in a long time. And all the comments from CN were platinum. It helped me to rise above the toxic clouds and see the forest from the fumes. Thank you CL and CN for being there.

And here’s my UBT who just finished its pain au chocolat here in France, from the last email from Bubbleboy:
“I do not know who can understand this « logic ». Distorted, biased, sad.”

I do not understand how you continue to expect me to adult. This expectation is distorted, biased (because I simply can’t, I’m a manboy. Menboys need rights too, you can’t expect us to actually grow up and show up at the table, sheesh!), and sad. Cause I has a sad that you keep blowing my cover and ripping of my mask.

Love you UBT, CN, and CL!

No Shit Cupcakes
No Shit Cupcakes
3 years ago
Reply to  Chump's Cousin

Sorry – a question for you. Did she respond after it was pointed out by another poster that if he is doing something shady with PP money, she could go down for it?

I truly hope that scared her into giving up doing his books. Maybe it’s just me though. I look horrid in orange.

Chump's Cousin
Chump's Cousin
3 years ago

NSC, I definitely mentioned it to her and am also trying to find some additional info on my own re: any potential accountability she may have for his actions. If it looks like she could, in fact, have some personal liability, rest assured that I will force that issue. Thanks to Adelante for pointing out this issue!

Adelante
Adelante
3 years ago
Reply to  Chump's Cousin

You’re welcome! I have a friend who had to divorce her husband because she discovered he was running a shady scam and using her name, which put her in a legally vulnerable position. So it’s on my radar screen.

No Shit Cupcakes
No Shit Cupcakes
3 years ago
Reply to  Chump's Cousin

All the best to you Chump’s Cousin. And to your cousin, when she finally drags herself out of that tar pit.

All you can do is let her know there is a rope tied to a sturdy tree, toss it to her and go about your life. If you see she has grabbed on and is hauling herself out of the muck, feel free to encourage her. This can take the form of casseroles.

Xmaschump
Xmaschump
3 years ago

“cheating wasn’t the plan, but it opened up my eyes”

UBT: my marriage and getting found out was not the plan, but I have deluded myself into believing that my shitty character and the consequences were good for me.

Letitsnow
Letitsnow
3 years ago
Reply to  Xmaschump

My favorite of all When I was struggling in the black hole of “why?”
Exfu##ktard: “ you can’t put my Dick in your purse!”
(What a nice thing to say to your wife of 20 years!)

UBT. You can’t tell me what to do, no woman will ever. No marriage vow, no children, no life together.
In fact I did what I wanted in my first marriage too, did what I wanted while overseas several years ago while married to you, now doing what I want with my coworker.
I’m entitled to what I want.

Madge2
Madge2
3 years ago

So many to choose from!

My favourite and the one that hurt me the most:

‘You make people feel very, very uncomfortable’

UBT: I am a liar and a cheat. Your existence makes me and the OW feel very, very uncomfortable.

Also:

‘We are holding each other back’

UBT: You are holding me back from throwing OW across the bed and showing her the strength of my love for her with gusto while reciting poetry and reminiscing about when we went out together 28 years ago before I dumped her, twice’. This possibly doesn’t count because this is what they actually said to each other in the communication I found after he left.

Not much to show for 26 years of being a partner and wife appliance!

Herproblemnow
Herproblemnow
3 years ago
Reply to  Madge2

Madge2, are we married to the same man? Mine reconnected on Facebook with ex-girlfriend from 28 years ago & within weeks drove over 1000 km during Covid travel bans to screw her.

His excuse? “There’s always been an attraction between us, I needed to find out if it was still there.”

Funny, never heard her mentioned in our 23 years together.

Silver Anniversary
Silver Anniversary
3 years ago
Reply to  Herproblemnow

Wow I thought it was just me. My EXH connected with the woman he had an affair with 25 years ago on Facebook. They decided in 24 hours that he was moving 1,000 miles away for me and his then 14 year old son.

insistonhonesty
insistonhonesty
3 years ago

I think my favorite UBT was when a friend was crying on my porch and she actually took a call from the man who abused her and her children… and I UBT’d him to her, via text, while he was on speakerphone.

Pretty sure she cracked from the inside out that evening. It was so clear.

Nemo
Nemo
3 years ago

The Grand UBT awards your personal UBT first prize for Extemporizing. It comes with chocolate chip cookies. Good work!

Growingintomybestself
Growingintomybestself
3 years ago

“You look beautiful as always. Love you both,” said or yelled by cheater xh as I drive away with my child at exchanges. Every time. 2 years post divorce.

UBT: I will use this and every other interaction in the presence of the children to harass, image manage and subtly plant seeds of parental alienation for as long as we both shall live.

Zip
Zip
3 years ago

Makes my stomach turn

WonderNoMore
WonderNoMore
3 years ago

What an Ass.

NotTodayFuckwit
NotTodayFuckwit
3 years ago

So many options to choose from, but here’s a good one:

“I’m sorry we’re here.” (After d-day, during wreckonciliation)

UBT: I’m not at all sorry for what I did. I’m sorry you are reacting to my selfish decisions so unreasonably, because it’s your reaction that matters here and you are being so unfair to me. You big meanie. Hurry up and get over it, so I don’t have to do any of the work of being remorseful myself. PS: This is all your fault.

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
3 years ago

Dear UBT,
Your offspring are doing very well thanks to your talent for teaching analytical skills in such a hilarious way. Analytical skills are so important to detect cheaters and their bullshit (and bullshit in general).

Not that CN is dumb. Our problem is that we are trusting and sincere and so spend our energy in what we think are honest, productive, diligent, prudent, loving, dreaming life strategies.

But thanks to you, we now know that the line between honesty and crap can be very blurry because crap has this special glittery, pitiful, charming, raging compound that covers it up. And humor sees right through it. Like scientists say, when mass spectrometry came along there were no more secret formulas.

The UBT has changed a lot in my life.

Sparkledick and I are both 68. So when my son (who lives with sparkledick, unfortunately) tells me his father has been ranting that he is going to reconcile with me me I answer: “Son, your father is looking for a purse or a nurse. And that is not going to be me”.

I picked up this little rhyme from a fellow chump here at CN. I don’t remember her name, but I hope she reads this. Every time I use this around older cheaters, their eyes open wide.

Adelante
Adelante
3 years ago
Reply to  ClearWaters

My mother taught me that line. I’m 66 (divorced at 64), and ever grateful that I will not be serving that function to my ex, who although he felt entitled to my care never felt the same obligation to me.

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
3 years ago
Reply to  Adelante

“Nurse and a purse.” Love it.

These cheaters are so selfish. The older ones do want a nurse, purse, and, I would add, a good, viagra-fueled fuck. (Apologies fo wrecking the rhyme.)

My 62 yo x chose an actual nurse as his schmoopie and told me she would take care of him when he has “spittle on [his] shirt.”

Of course, it goes without saying that there’s no consideration of who will clean up *my* spittle…or hers for that matter. Oh wait. She’s 12 years younger. Unless they marry and divorce, she’s a nurse for life.

Attie
Attie
3 years ago
Reply to  ClearWaters

Yep, so many of the older ones are looking for a nurse and a purse because schmoopie sure as hell will be neither!

Kara
Kara
3 years ago

“You and my mom go to therapy more than anybody I know and you’re both still depressed as fuck! It doesn’t work!”

UBT: I am the common denominator between the two depressed women who live with me. I’m going to blame you and claim therapy doesn’t work instead of consider my chronic disrespect of both of you.

No.More.Sheeeet....
No.More.Sheeeet....
3 years ago

“Before you move out here (cross country for his job), let’s talk – I kind of like living along, before you say anything – I am not having another affair”. (After 23 years of marriage, 1 affair 9 years before and six months of getting ready for the “move”). YES, HE WAS HAVING ANOTHER AFFAIR.

“She hasn’t had sex in over a year” – AND YOU NEED TO MAKE IT RIGHT – FILL THAT HOLE IN HER LIFE?

“She gave me cookies” – YOU DON’T EVEN LIKE COOKIES

“I thought you’d take me back” – ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

“I just want my friend back” – FUCK YOU – HUSBANDS/FRIENDS DON’T FUCK AROUND ON THEIR FAITHFUL WIVES. GO FRIEND YOUR WHORE-WORKER.

Thank you – if felt good to write what fuckwit said and see – that I am now out of a very bad place. Fucking finally. Whew – happy Friday to everyone! Meh is coming… Now where is that Tuesday, I know it’s here somewhere….. =)

Ironwood
Ironwood
3 years ago

I have posted this entry from my journal before, but at the risk of boring everyone, I will post it again today. It’s just to perfect an opportunity to pass up!

Here are my husband’s words and my interpretations.

I love you but I’m not in love with you.
(Ever since i gave myself permission to lust after and then fuck my old girlfriend from 45 years ago. Such a coincidence!) What? You think I should have put some love and effort into the marriage? What do you mean? I don’t understand.

We grew apart.
Sure we did. We grew apart after 32 years of marriage because I detached from you to justify pursuing the fuck woman. I treated you with such distain and contempt that you feebly tried to defend yourself, and then I could tell the whore that you were crazy, that we had ‘drifted apart.’

I’ve been unhappy for 10 years. I’ve wanted to leave you for years.
(Since that old gf slut started emailing me and slathering me with praise, and we decided to meet for coffee and then lunch, I’ve come to see how bad my life with you is! Such a crappy existence, having fun with friends and family, travelling, golfing, skiing, hiking. I never realized how rotten it all was until the whore got my dick to rise up! (But only for a short time) She smiles at me all the time and agrees with me all the time. We have so much in common from the 1970’s! We are so perfect together! We should never have broken up 45 years ago, even though we fought all the time and had totally different goals!

She is my soul mate.
(She is always happy to see me (like a dog) and is content seeing me for a two hour visit or fuck once a week or every two weeks as long as i message her a couple of times a day. I love how my wife is completely duped and I can send messages to my fuck mate while my wife and I watch tv together in the evening! Also it’s so great how my wife makes arrangements for dinners and outings on the weekends and I can pretend what a great family man I am!) (Whore, shut up! I’m busy on the weekends and can’t see you! I’m really trying to leave my wife but it’s so hard! I’m working on it!)

We have nothing in common anymore.
(You like shopping and i don’t. I like violent/action movies and you don’t. Those are the two main reasons I am leaving you…when it’s convenient for me to do so. Also you tidy the house before we have visitors. It’s criminal!
Our 4 children, our many family holidays and gatherings, our travels together, our home, our friends… our skiing, hiking, golf, books….all non existent. Conveniently vanished from memory, or at least dimly remembered but who cares!)

You would like the OW if you met her. She’s a good person.
(She’s just like you except she’s had 3 husbands already plus a live in abusive boyfriend when her three girls were young. I would be the fifth or sixth partner but again, who cares if she’s cheating on her current husband. She says he’s boring!! She loves me now and I am so special!. I know you would get along so well.)

We are two good people on different paths.
(The cheating, lying, abusive path, vs the loyal spouse for 32 years path. I really am good, really. I’m good at lying now. I’m very good at deception and leading a double life. No one knows except the whore! She’s cheating on her husband too! How great is that! I am incredible! More than that, I am actually fabulous!!)

I need to be happy and you will not be happy if i am unhappy the whole time.
(I will treat you as though i hate you and have utter contempt for you until you kick me out and i can totally blame you for the marriage breakdown. Because you are too stupid and will never find out that I am cheating on you and have been for years. My plan is to produce the whore just after we separate as though we had just met! No one will guess I have been cheating! I am actually brilliant,)

I hope you don’t spend too much on lawyers.
(I see you bent over in anguish, crying because of the shock and trauma of my sudden and vicious betrayal of you, but all I really care about is how much of my money you spend. I’ve listed our assets and don’t want to have to redo the balance sheet to reflect expensive lawyers. Besides that, I want you to just roll over and let me have my fuck toy and playmate! Don’t irritate me with long drawn out divorce proceedings!)

The children will all get over it in time.
(It’s all about me, me, Me! The 4 adult children don’t matter as long as I am happy with the whore. I am pretty sure they will come to see how fabulous she is even though their Mom has broken down completely. The whore tells me the kids will be fine in a couple of weeks and I believe her.)

I feel nothing for you.
(I will just pack a few of these clothes you washed and folded, (btw, thanks for lunch) rush off to fuck the whore in a hotel for a couple of hours and I should be back in time for dinner. What are we having? People are coming over? I’ll pick up some wine on the way home!)

We are two good people on different paths.
On one hand I have a faithful wife, drudging away at her wifely duties, including always staying in touch with the kids, staying in touch with my family cuz I can’t be bothered to, and making social arrangements, looking after the household, believing in the integrity of and trusting me, her husband. On the other hand I am a cheating, lying fuckwit who does nothing around the house, who goes to work and visits the whore on the way there or on the way back. Who also visits the whore, for example, when my wife volunteers in the community, spends the day with friends, when she waits at home for me on our anniversary (extra thrilling to me), and that is just the tip of the iceberg. I am Mr. Fabulous for getting away with it for four years!

WiserChump
WiserChump
3 years ago
Reply to  Ironwood

This is a work of art. Thank you for re-posting!

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
3 years ago
Reply to  WiserChump

I agree! Always remember that the newbies might not always get all the way through the archives (it was easier 6+ years ago…)

Chumped3years
Chumped3years
3 years ago
Reply to  Ironwood

Ironwood, I would swear you were me almost exactly. Old high school girlfriend, they are soulmates, I love you but i am not in love with you and the worst of all, you would like her and be great friends. We had been married 35 years when he dropped this bombshell on our vacation i carefully planned. I spent two years in shock while still trying to function and work. As I sit here right now he is off somewhere chasing her down. At first I thought it was all my fault and they should have been together all these years. Now I know its just fun for him. Whatever he wants he gets. Now i have to give up everything I worked hard for to get out. They are liars and cheaters and they should be together forever.

Chumpkins
Chumpkins
3 years ago
Reply to  Chumped3years

>>Now i have to give up everything I worked hard for to get out.

I don’t know your Ex, but I hate him. I wish I could give him the swirly of his life in an awful public toilet. I wish Godzilla would wipe his scaly butt with him after a turban wedgie wraps your Exes’ underwear atop his head. https://imgur.com/e3Q3Aox But Godzilla wouldn’t do that because your Ex would give G a toxic rash. I hope your Ex missed out on Heaven and Hell and spends eternity as an Eldritch Abomination’s suppository (one who eats a lot of spicy food).

Chumped3years my heart broke for you. But I’m impressed that you no longer blame yourself for interfering with his soul mate, that you found CL. You are on the path… I came to this site for CL’s wisdom, but ended up staying longer than I expected to see what happened to members of this community. Probably a good thing since their experiences are like an awakening.
—————————————

I’m going to end this comment with a personal “rant”, off topic. I never expected to end up (almost) grateful for the 7 years I wasted on a FW, because it helped me finally see that my parents & brothers play similar games. I finally see that I’m not some big loser disappointment daughter. I succeeded in a man’s career, have a good marriage, but that means nothing to them. They “hate” my current husband, and it’s mutual. They still think I should have stayed with FW. I used to worry about my mother but I can’t anymore. I got to protect myself. It hit me today that she married an abusive man, she raised abusive sons, and the only time I saw her excited about a political candidate was one who was obviously an abuser. Somehow this is hitting me hard. She suffers so much, and her mother was horrible…. But she demands a scapegoat daughter that she can feel superior too. #ThanksCN

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago
Reply to  Ironwood

Amazing write up.

This one “Who also visits the whore, for example, when my wife volunteers in the community,” gets to me. I actually for the last two years, did the bulk of the things he volunteered for relating to Jr. Base Ball, and Lions Club crap. Because, he had gotten a promotion and had so many “meetings” (fuck sessions) to attend. So I worked it into my schedule along with my full time job. But, when he left the first excuse he gave was I wasn’t a good enough house keeper. Obviously if I had just given up my 5 to six hours sleep at night, I could have buffed up the house a bit, and he wouldn’t have had to cheat.

But, I heard pretty much his version of all your statements. Asshole used me non stop to cover for his cheating.

ThursdaysChild
ThursdaysChild
3 years ago
Reply to  Ironwood

Shit! I got a lot of the same lines. And the ‘unhappy for 10 years’, do they all pick 10 years?? (Which of course is a damn lie.) Are the decades long relationship people not even original enough to come up with another number? Rather, do the majority pick 10 years like it’s a magical ‘it’ll be ok for me to cheat now’ marker? “Hey I’ll say I’ve been unhappy for 10 years and people will gasp and hold me in their arms for comfort and my kids will flock around me with hearts in their eyes tortured by my suffering!” The absolute beauty of this site is that it illustrates over and over that they are not special or original in any way and we are not alone.

thelongrun
thelongrun
3 years ago
Reply to  ThursdaysChild

ThursdaysChild,

No no no, my FW XW told me it was 10-15 years she’d been unhappy w/me and our relationship. See? That’s much different!

Married for over 24 years, so, I guess most of our marriage, then? Yeah, fuck her, the bitch. And she wonders why I’m so affected by all of this. It’s not affecting her (she’s got her male schmoopie!), so why am I so affected? I don’t know. Maybe the fact that you just threw my whole view of our marriage into a shitty mind blender?!

It is nice to know that this is a frequent refrain among cheaters. Helps me to remember they’ll say and do whatever they think will fuck us up mentally the most, so we don’t think about their role so much in the marriage/partnership. Instead, in true chumpy fashion, we follow the rabbit-hole of “was it really me that caused this?”

No. They had at least a few other options to handle this w/much more respect for us chumps and for themselves. Including telling us they were unhappy in the relationship, that they wanted a divorce, and until that point, they wouldn’t cheat on us, which would inflict at least emotional and psychological abuse. But they didn’t. So FUCK THEM ETERNALLY.

Tuesday and meh. They’re slowly working their way to us, CN. Stay strong.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago
Reply to  thelongrun

They (most anyway) will say and do whatever they can to absolve themselves; doesn’t matter how much it hurts us.

I believe they will pay, especially those who end up marrying the co-adulterer.

Some can change, and I actually know of one who did, but if they change you will see the evidence of it.

In my case I never see them as we are in different states, but my son and daughter in law have told me the basics. No change. All about them.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago
Reply to  ThursdaysChild

The funny thing was that is the exact line my ex first used: “I have been unhappy and “dating” for 10 years. Later he changed it to, I never loved you and have cheated from the beginning. (20 years)

Then 2 years later I found out my first cousins husband of (21 years) said the very same thing. “I haven’t been happy for 10 years. Now, I was 40, and had spent 20 years in child care (working part time), then going full time when my son was grown, supporting his chosen volunteer work, and pretty much playing thee 50s housewife. She was 42 (we are three months apart in age) on the other had had no children (he was sterile) got a high level education and became a federal judge (still is) Apparently neither one of us hit that magic sweet spot to keep our husbands from dropping their pants for strange. And though we live several states apart, our cheaters evidently found the same playbook.

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
3 years ago
Reply to  Susie Lee

Susie Lee,
“Later he changed it to, I never loved you and have cheated from the beginning. (20 years)”

This is an especially cruel thing to say to one’s spouse. And the cheating from the beginning is terrible. Only a person of low character would behave that way.

I’m sorry. I’m sure you know he’s awful and that you deserve better.

I hope things are improving for you.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

Oh it is. I had to work to delete him from my memories leaving only my son. I didn’t want to remember someone who never loved me. He said later he only said that to get me to hate him. Well it worked.

What I don’t get is these smucks blow up the marriages by lies and deceit, but the can’t leave it at that, they have to destroy the whole marriage. It is beyond heartless.

It is also why when he called and wanted to talk about working it out, there was nothing left. I had to kill my feelings for him because of the way he acted. I saw him as a monster after all that.

I met a wonderful man and we have been together years, but yes that will always hurt.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago
Reply to  ThursdaysChild

“The absolute beauty of this site is that it illustrates over and over that they are not special or original in any way and we are not alone.”

If I had only known this stuff when I was in the midst of it. I am back because I started doing some research on NPD in cheaters. My ex threw a bomb in the midst of his relationship with our son, so it brought up old wounds.

Knowing all this wouldn’t have changed the outcome. (I had to get out of that toxic situation) But, it would have saved me a lot of confusion and self inflicted grief. Also, it might have gotten me out of my marriage a couple years sooner.

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
3 years ago
Reply to  ThursdaysChild

Ironwood,

Thanks for expressing what I think a lot of us feel/experienced.

Same BS. Different man.

Chumpqueen75
Chumpqueen75
3 years ago
Reply to  Ironwood

This is amazing! So well written, I felt every word! I am so sorry you had to go through this. I feel the same way.

Kimhopes
Kimhopes
3 years ago

After I found the poorly written love letter to one of the overseas scam artists.

“I wanted to tell you”

UBT: Bullshit. You have been perfectly capable of running your wife down, lying, stealing, and being a general arsehole. So you have a voice. One which you chose not to use for therapy, honesty, self improvement and the words “I want a divorce, let’s make sure everything is fair and equitable”.
My UBT is now laying in front of the wine fridge indulging itself and begging for mercy.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago
Reply to  Kimhopes

Right? Better they lie, scam, gaslight and steal marital funds; and if we are just too stupid to pick up on it, well then I guess we deserved it.

Zip
Zip
3 years ago

“We didn’t do enough around the house together to bond us”
UBT -I can’t think of a good reason for cheating and leaving so I’m making shit up –

“ I stayed in my 1st marriage too long, my exW wasn’t a happy woman, I’m broken because of that”
UBT – I’d like to blame my cheating on: my ex-wife and maybe the lady who cut my hair 15 years ago …..and my grade 2 teacher

No Shit Cupcakes
No Shit Cupcakes
3 years ago
Reply to  Zip

What’s the common denominator between you and his ex-wife? Him. I bet he NEVER considers that fact when he’s moaning about one or both of you being “unhappy”.

Zip
Zip
3 years ago

No shit,
Positive he bears no responsibility for any lack of constant joy and sparkle in his ExW. Convinced he wanted me to be the same way I was during the first year of our relationship -always on cloud nine.
Convinced he thought cheating married mother of 3 coworker was such a fantastic, happy and positive person that she would be his ticket to eternal, hourly, sparkly happiness.
I remember saying to him ‘yeah she’s so fucking happy that’s why she’s cheating on her husband with a married man who has a family.’
He just gave me that void look.

No Shit Cupcakes
No Shit Cupcakes
3 years ago
Reply to  Zip

That’s truly stunning.

Glad you made him an ex-husband too.

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
3 years ago
Reply to  Zip

That void look. The blameshifting. Classic.

Just curious, is this always-fucking-happy OW still with him?

Zip
Zip
3 years ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

Spinach,
I don’t know if they are together, I give it a few short years though. She’s younger, I suspect she’ll dump him – that’s just the feeling I get.

For those wanting karma stories, Karma does come to many.

I met 2nd H when he was on his own. Mr Wonderful was respectful when speaking of his 1stW but said it was a long and unhappy marriage. I could never figure out how his ex could be remotely unhappy because he was so amazing. Took my time and eventually we married. My gift from the gods after having had a very very difficult 1st H and still having to suffer through co parenting with him.

I was 2ndH’s soulmate etc etc. He said his 1st marriage didn’t work because he was simply mismatched with 1stW. We were perfect together. His adult kids thanked me for making their dad so happy. His mom without any encouragement would say he should have been with someone like me all along.

1st W got her Karma, because out of nowhere and to everyone’s shock, Mr Wonderful dumped me for surprise OW. Suddenly, he wasn’t happy with me,

I never knew that he had dumped 1stW in a surprising manner. He painted a different pic. to me of a very unhappy relationship. He was still close with his adult kids because he was always very good to them.
After he dumped me, his adult kids sadly let it be known that he did the same thing to their mother (supposedly minus the affair). Now I wonder.

After reading this site, I sadly think that he stayed with his first wife for years and years because she was probably a good wife appliance. He cared about his kids and didn’t want to disrupt their lives, so he waited until they were older.
He was fine with dumping his step kids though and disrupting their lives.

I am positive Everybody thought his first marriage didn’t work because it was all his first wife’s fault. He was just that great.

Cuzchump
Cuzchump
3 years ago

After I found out about Skankella. I asked my ex what was so special about her that he threw away a 33 yr marriage?
She was fun. She was happy all the time. She liked to play pool. She never bitched and she made me feel needed. I she was not boring like you. And she is a very nice person.
UBT: I was a selfish asshole who was ok with my wife paying all the bills and doing all the household chores. I then used her being a responsible caring adult against her. I looked for anything I could to make her the villain. So I can justify screwing around with her cousin. Because my need to feel needed is so much more important than my wife’s happiness and safety.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago
Reply to  Cuzchump

Bet Skankella if she is still in the picture, isn’t happy all the time now. In fact I am sure of it.

Cuzchump
Cuzchump
3 years ago
Reply to  Susie Lee

My ex dumped Skankella. We were going to try to make it work. She sent me threatening texts. And told some og my family that I was a nutjob. Wasn’t that so nice of her?

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago
Reply to  Cuzchump

???? I am sure your family believed it.

I am sure my cheaters skankella is getting screamed at on a regular basis, they can only put up a good front for so long. Difference is, he told me long ago that Skankella was different than me, she threw things. Wonder if her aim is good.

CurlyChump
CurlyChump
3 years ago
Reply to  Cuzchump

Ugh, they want to feel “needed.” What is with that particular ego drive? Their needing me makes me feel better about myself, so I’m going to fuck over the self-sufficient, independent woman that’s stood by my side through all my prior personal crises…

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
3 years ago
Reply to  CurlyChump

I UBT “I want to feel needed” this way: I WANT SOMEONE TO NOTICE ME AND MY MAGNIFICENCE 24/7/365.

CallingSpades
CallingSpades
3 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

^ nailed it!

One of FW WH’s “reasons” for screwing married howorker was “She flattered me.”

UBT: It’s your fault I cheated because you failed to marvel at my magnificence daily, and dared to occasionally question me. How could you? Clearly I’m perfect. Just ask AP.
…On second thought, don’t. It seems she’s now banging her kids’ soccer coach and wants nothing to do with me and my marvelous ‘physique.’ But the kibbles were just there! I swear! It made sense at the time!

Badmovie19
Badmovie19
3 years ago
Reply to  CurlyChump

Yeah. Prior to Dday I remember my now Ex-H asking “what would I do if he wasn’t around?” I thought he was asking as if he dropped dead from a heart attack (his father had heart surgery in his 40s) and he was nearing 40. I quickly replied oh there is a maintenance man at my work who does odd jobs. He was actually miffed that I had an ez solution. Fast forward a few weeks later and he had only helped stain the deck because he figured the house would get sold during the divorce. No asshole, I can afford this place on my own.

WiserChump
WiserChump
3 years ago
Reply to  CurlyChump

You said it Curly

“You do so much for me, what am I gonna do without you.? ‘Therapist’ thinks I’m codependent. I think I need to be on my own.”

Wifey happily did everything she was asked to do. *sigh*

Zip
Zip
3 years ago
Reply to  WiserChump

I needed my H; he was very appreciated and needed and he still cheated. I think it’s just another bloody excuse.
If the excuse isn’t that you didn’t need them enough the excuse is that they were needed too much.

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
3 years ago
Reply to  Zip

Exactly. Damned if you do, damned if you don’t. Also, cheaters move goal posts to justify their shitty behavior. It’s a no-win situation for chumps. The game is rigged.

Oh, and this reminds me of the double standards….too numerous to list.

thelongrun
thelongrun
3 years ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

Spinach@35,

“Damned if you do, damned if you don’t” is absolutely correct when it comes to cheaters. In the middle of my depression and unknowingly battling diabetes, I would bring the XW lunch at her work, run errands w/the kids to give her free time, get groceries because I totally admit I never learned to cook well, and she was a great cook. However, it bit her in the ass at our one true marriage counseling session post D-Day.

The female marriage counselor I got her to go to (another classic chump move here at CN, I’ve come to realize) said that many female spouses/partners resent their male spouses/partners for not doing things like grocery shopping. There was an awkward silence, then I spoke up and told the MC that for the last few years, I was the one doing the grocery shopping, many times w/the kids, to give her alone time to think and work on things (frequently, her political career). The FW XW had to admit that was true. You know, because I was so thankful to her for being such a great provider of healthy, delicious cooked food for our family. And I frequently told her how I appreciated her doing that. Not as good as me cooking to give her a break, but I tried to let her know how much it meant to me. And I tried to show her my appreciation by doing other things for her.

Looking back, I don’t think I could have ever made her happy long-term, no matter what I did. Because to accompany her own shitty character and probable narcissistic personality disorder, she always was comparing me to her father. I wasn’t her father, and I never will be. But I did my best to be a good husband, and I was trying to be better. For all the good it did me.

I did other things to show her I loved her too. I’ve come to realize that very little of it was how she wanted me to show my love for her. But at least I tried. And at D-day, I was able to say to her w/righteous anger in my voice that although I had at least two opportunities to possibly cheat on her during our marriage, I loved and cared about her too much to do that to her. Too bad it didn’t go both ways. But then, it never does for these fuckwits, does it?

Funny, thru all the awful years of marriage I made her suffer thru w/me, it was after I left the high paying, high stress job I stayed w/as long as possible (to provide the lifestyle she and my children had grown accustomed to) that finally resulted in her having to have an affair w/her older, richer boss. You see, I just wasn’t doing enough anymore. So, it’s really not her fault, is it? I drove her to have that affair and leave me!

But if that’s the case, why am I feeling more and more right and happy about having her out of my life? I don’t know, let me see…

Loise
Loise
3 years ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

The game is rigged
Double standards——— this one!

– I’m not feeling loved when you don’t come and greet me at the door” ( I laughed so loud, thinking that he was kidding, since We had 2 kids under 3years , plus.. wtf? Is it 1950’?)
– I was supposed to feel loved when he was sitting at his desk, while after spending my time grocery shopping, I was dragging all of it to the house. That was ok.

– you are incapable of doing laundry in a right way. Why is it so difficult to wash, iron, and set everything in the closets? Instead, there is always a big basket filled with washed, but not ironed clothes in the laundry room.
– he “ took over” the laundry duty and after two week- clothes were piling up (5 people in the family/3 kids) no clean bed sheets, Towels, and suddenly, clothes were on the hangers or folded- but NEVER ironed. Which was the stupidest idea ever- piles of clothes that you were unable to wear anyway in our closets.
His reaction? It’s fine( yet, it wasn’t when I was in charge)

– your way of doing shopping is not effective. Buying clothes for kids few months before is just stupid ( I was usually doing next year school prep before the summer, when all the good quality clothes were on sale)
– ok one year I let it go. One week before the school we went shopping, couldn’t find 30% of stuff and ended up with a bill 4x higher than usual. Right.
I could have bought the same brand for 12$ instead we were paying almost 40$ per piece.

Etc.

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
3 years ago
Reply to  CurlyChump

Yeah. Their dicks harden when they feel that they are saving the proverbial damsel in distress.

In fact, they are the ones who need to be saved by receiving an unlimited supply of kibbles!!

In a moment of clarity that he immediately shut down, my ex actually said to me, “I know the games she’s playing.” We weren’t even divorced yet, and he was already suspicious of her. (Note: she also cheated on her spouse).

I’m sure they’re having a wonderful time together.

feelingit
feelingit
3 years ago

I find UBT is really the only way I can stomach fuckwit’s emails. He had been quiet for a couple months but here is last week’s.

DS and I discussed the WRUS in person class versus the virtual classroom. DS said he was not going back to school if the classroom is virtual. DS said he would work at the nursery and homeschool. I encouraged DS to stay at the school. I do not agree with the 1 day a week in person classroom decision by the school. I do not think virtual learning is easy for any students and extremely difficult for learning disabled students. If DS takes the decision to not attend school ,please notify the school and request for the refund of DS’s tuition. I do not think the refund shall be through the tuition insurance. The school should be refunding students who do not choose their modified covid learning hybrid school.
I hope all is well,

UBT: DS told me about his school when I saw him for the first time in years. I told him to say in school. (funny, DS told me you said nothing). I am an all knowing guru and I think the school is wrong because I always know better but I am using some fancy sensible language I heard somewhere to manipulate you into thinking I care even though I have not said one word regarding son’s education in the 2 years he has been in high school.

Now to the real reason for my email- I want my money back, get it for me, NOW!!!

I hope you are miserable.

Follow up email from fuckwit when I didn’t respond.

Hey,
how about a simple update to the status of Ds’s plan for school? The proper way to handle this is probably for the 3 of us to discuss the situation. Do you have any idea how long the virtual learning is anticipated?
Thanks,

UBT: Bitch, why haven’t you rolled over for me? The proper way for me to handle this is for you to come closer so I can slap you. When am I going to get my money and how long will the windfall last.

Snap to it.

Final email after I responded: ok sounds a little messed up. Please copy me on the emails with the school.

UBT: I think you are lying because I lie. Put me on the emails because I want to watch you work so I can criticize you but I really want that money!!!

No Shit Cupcakes
No Shit Cupcakes
3 years ago
Reply to  feelingit

WTF can’t he ask the school to include him on the emails instead of hassling you about it? In fact, why isn’t he corresponding directly with the school?

What a waste of fresh air.

NotToday
NotToday
3 years ago

“You’re never satisfied! AP comes from a family where men never do dishes and it’s fine. AP was happy living in a one-room studio without a working stove!”

UBT: “I am a man-child who refuses to adult. I can give even less than I’m giving now and still have a functional wife appliance, so our years of marriage and two small children can fuck right off.”

Boudicca
Boudicca
3 years ago
Reply to  NotToday

This!!!
He found a woman who could make her needs even smaller than I had … for example, I insisted that toilet paper is a basic necessity. He only wanted to buy enough for himself (more money for prostitutes).
Now his new wife is recovering from a double pulmonary embolism (she is under 40 years old). My ex told me about when we had to meet at court. Apparently when she started having symptoms, my ex didn’t want her to miss work and so she waited two days until the weekend to go to the hospital.
As he was telling me about all this he was also mildly flirting with me. I had an internal shiver and thought “there, but for the grace of God, go I…”
Now she is working two jobs, waking up at 5 am to buy discounted meat at supermarkets before they throw it out. One of our kids told me yesterday that they think Dad is trying to kill the new wife through a combination of medical neglect and sheer grinding her down. Well, that is exactly what he tried to do to me, so he is On Brand, as usual. He really wants the “Oh you poor thing!!” Widower cred.
There, but for the grace of God (and CL and CN!!!)
Ironically, at this exact moment I am at the dentist with my youngest. Because my ex is trying to accuse me of neglect for not taking my youngest to the dentist because of several BABY teeth falling out. Seriously. He’s saying that a dentist needs to supervise her baby teeth falling out correctly. The same guy who refused to take his wife to the hospital for a double pulmonary embolism. I’m pretty sure he’s thinking new wife could work two jobs AND raise our youngest so he doesn’t have to pay child support and (bonus!) maybe kill the new wife that much sooner. And break my heart missing my youngest. See? Win win win.
So I am at the dentist feeling like an idiot asking them to check if her baby teeth are falling out correctly. So stupid.
Sorry this post turned into a kind of meandering rant lol

LookingforwardstoTuesday
LookingforwardstoTuesday
3 years ago

Ex-Wife to me 2 weeks after D Day:

“I did think about suggesting that we stay together for appearances’ sake and for the sake of the children, and that we agree to an open marriage and that we see other people; but you are just not emotionally mature enough to make a relationship like that work, so we will have to get divorced.”

Translation:

“I want to continue to bask in the reflected prestige that comes from your job. I want to continue spend as much of the money that you earn as I can. I demand to have my relationship with my AP endorsed and supported by both you and the children and I deny anyone the right to judge or criticise me. But, above all, I demand the right to continue to treat you – my husband of 25 years – as an unwelcome visitor in his own house and our children merely as photogenic props to decorate my FaceBook profile; don’t expect me to actually dirty my hands in parenting them. I will not let the fact that it is ridiculous of me to demand this stand in my way – and I am certainly not going to take responsibility or apologise – so I am going to make out that the only reason that I cannot have what I want is that you are immature, unreasonable, spiteful and jealous.”

My UBT runs on Earl Gray tea ……. with a splash of milk and one sugar if you’d be so kind.

LookingforwardstoTuesday
LookingforwardstoTuesday
3 years ago

Or ……. when she announced to our children (then 11, 16 and 18) that she wanted a divorce; delivered sh*tface drunk and at one O’Clock in the morning:

“I don’t love Daddy, I haven’t loved him for years and I have a right to be happy, so we are divorcing. Anyway, lots of your friends’ parents are divorced and your friends are fine, so you will be fine. And (shouted) I DID NOT HAVE AN AFFAIR.” She then stormed out and left me to deal with the collateral damage.

Translation:

“I only care about what I want. I don’t give a f*ck how much this affects any of you and if you think that I’m taking responsibility for any of the mess that I’ve created or admitting to what you all already know to be true, then – yet again – you have misjudged me. Basically, my happiness is paramount, I don’t do accountability and if I have to ruin your childhoods to get what I want, then I’m all in. Cynara f*ckers.”

LookingforwardstoTuesday
LookingforwardstoTuesday
3 years ago

Here’s another:

“You had no right reading those texts between me and my friend (her AP) – they were private. And you only showed them to the children to make me look bad and damage me in their eyes. You have caused them irreparable harm and I will never be able to forgive you for what you have done.”

Translation:

“I am engaging in a major rewriting of history because I suspect that my actions might be starting to make me look bad; I’m more comfortable with a narrative that places all blame at your feet. I know that the children found the texts between me and my AP because my phone is synched to the iPad they use. I know that they told you because they (rightly) do not trust me. But if I admit all this – and admit to having an affair – then my image as “Mother of the Year” will be destroyed. And if I admit that the children are damaged because of my actions, then I will be judged and people will hold me responsible for the consequences of my own decisions; much better that I publicly blame you. As I have now decided that this is quite clearly all your fault, then I am still “Mother of the Year” and beyond all criticism. You need to be grovelling before me to request my forgiveness. Now bow before me in my majesty.”

StillSMH
StillSMH
3 years ago

EXACTLY!

I know that one too well, “re-writing history in their own history books as a parent that is published by themselves for their own library, to re-read over and over in the future, so they will believe it as fact.”
Who would ever criticize a “Mother/Father of the Year”? I see them on stage waving out to an empty audience accepting a broken crystal ball as a member of the “The Newest Asswipe Recipient.”

“And if I admit that the children are damaged because of my actions, then I will be judged and people will hold me responsible for the consequences of my own decisions; much better that I publicly blame you.” SAME!!

Hcard
Hcard
3 years ago

Your standard are too high for anyone to meet. Translation, it’s not what I do/don’t do, it’s your reaction to it.

JO
JO
3 years ago

Me: “if you didn’t cheat on me then why are you divorcing me? We were happy, we just had a baby”

Him: “I have my reasons”

UBT; “I cheated on you”

WiserChump
WiserChump
3 years ago
Reply to  JO

Me: “Is ther someone else”. STBX: “No, its not like that”
UBT: Yes, Its EXACTLY like that.

Wow – they DO all basically say the same stupid shit!

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
3 years ago
Reply to  WiserChump

Yes, apparently they all do say the same stupid shit. It’s uncanny.

Either cheating reduces them to the same common denominator, or the same common denominator made them cheat in the first place.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

“Either cheating reduces them to the same common denominator, or the same common denominator made them cheat in the first place.”

Hmmmm, interesting. Makes sense. I would say it is for most the second option. They just hide it until they get caught, or decide on the exit adultery partner.

Involuntary Georgian
Involuntary Georgian
3 years ago
Reply to  JO

That was too easy. Does it really warrant a lebkuchen?

DejaBlue
DejaBlue
3 years ago

“Asking you to have sex with other men is a compliment to you!”

UBT: I am a walking, talking Reddit forum.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago

follow

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
3 years ago

“It’s sad that 30 years of friendship is over.”

UBT: You have seen behind the mask so you’re no longer of use to me.

Attie
Attie
3 years ago
Reply to  LovedaJackass

I got “it’s a shame to throw away all we’ve worked for the last 26 years”. UBT: “Shit, I’m really not liking shacking up with the skank after all. Her place is noisy, she earns nothing so I have to pay for everything, and I can’t keep up with the bar tab she’s running up. Please let me come home so I can start spending your salary again!”

LovedaJackass
LovedaJackass
3 years ago
Reply to  Attie

I’d love to know how many cheaters have to move in with a SkankellaSchmoopie because they want the rent money and the free housekeeping. I’m convinced that Jackass always has to have a woman taking care of him. His mother was always the woman of last resort.

Thankful
Thankful
3 years ago

Eight years ago I had an affair, it only lasted 4 weeks and I’ve tried to walk straight ever since but I fell again earlier this year.
Translation: remember when I had you placed in a psych ward because you had an overwhelming sense that there was a problem in our marriage and I acted like you were crazy and did all that weird shit to the point you had a breakdown you were right I was cheating. Do you remember when you asked me earlier this year if I had been with another woman and I said no, so then you asked if I had been with another man and I said no? I lied

14 days after D’day as he was heading off to hang out at a local combined church event as part of the committee. Do people know your gay? No, I’ve confessed it, so now it is all in the past they do not need to know. I do not understand why you are so angry. I just don’t get it.

Translation: I have no accountability now that I have made my peace with God and our church leaders for cheating on you with 20 guys over the last 8 years. And I’ve spent the last year making a plausible connection through being on the committee with the cute local priest, I’m not letting your anger wreck what. Why are you always so angry?

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
3 years ago

“I can’t believe you are reading to the kids when there are dishes to be done” apparently means “I’m not getting enough attention”. In my ignorance, I thought he meant chores should always come first. I responded by saying, “I let you take a break now and again so shouldn’t I be able to take a break now and again too?”. He interpreted this as me calling him lazy. He then gave me the silent treatment for 18hrs until I finally tracked him down at work the next day to get to the bottom of it all. He later claimed that our marriage broke down due to lack of communication. Yeah, he got that one right. It’s hard to communicate when you don’t say what you mean and you interpret everything the other person says in the most negative way you can and then stop communicating altogether.

Oh, and “our marriage broke down due to my lack of communication regarding my dissatisfaction with the marriage” means “I am going to pretend to take responsibility by admitting fault but in a way that implies fault on your side too as you clearly weren’t meeting my needs and I just failed to properly inform you of that fact”.

One more thing, after the incident noted above, I did try to give him more attention but he blew me off when I tried so apparently “I’m not getting enough attention” doesn’t mean what I think it does either.

CallingSpades
CallingSpades
3 years ago

I wish I had the power to copy CL’s blender cartoon right here for ya Chumpinrecovery!

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago

I have figured out in our “marriage” “We stopped communicating” = I started fucking another woman and had to get you out of my face”

Lill
Lill
3 years ago

He was “unhappily married” to me, for ten years apparently. So when he went and had sex with smoothie pie, and took her to dinner on our 25th wedding anniversary, his reason was that he didn’t think we had anything to celebrate. No, I guess not, after sticking his dick into anything and everything for ten years, I can see his logic. ????

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
3 years ago

“I didn’t think you cared about me” means I needed an excuse to cheat and I just made something up. Saying “I didn’t think” means it didn’t matter if it was true or not, I thought it was true so plausible deniability.

“Schmoopie hates it when the kids squabble with each other.”, “Schmoopie feels hurt by middle sons rejection of her”, “Schmoopie would never let her kids do xyz”, “Schmoopie doesn’t understand why I let the kids behave this way” “Schmoopie thinks our kids should socialize more.” Schmoopie things our incoming HS freshman should be dating”. “Schmoopie thinks our kids have terrible table manners”etc. etc. all translates to: Our kids are not meeting Schmoopie’s standards which makes me look bad so now I am going to make you go to parenting counseling with me so I can coerce you into making our kids do what Schmoopie wants. Never mind that two are already in college.

thelongrun
thelongrun
3 years ago

I haven’t used it in my circumstances (yet), but I think the phrase “Go fuck yourselves, then die!” might be appropriate when responding to your cheating ex and schmoopie about what needs to happen w/your kids. God, what pathetic losers. I’m so sorry you have to deal w/them. Best wishes/luck in your future. And in your kids. Hopefully, these two shall pass. All puns intended.

Mitz
Mitz
3 years ago

Tell him you don’t want to hear what his partner in adultery has to say about YOUR children.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago

Yeah, unless it is mandatory; no way would I go to parenting class with a cheater for adult kids.

Involuntary Georgian
Involuntary Georgian
3 years ago

“Nothing happened until our marriage was over”.

Translation: in my magical fantasy world our marriage ended X months ago (side note: she never revealed the exact value of X), so I am totally blameless. Everyone knows that single people have the right to fuck their married coworkers / subordinates during conference travel, and in my internal narrative I was single. Just because I didn’t tell you, and we were still living together and sleeping in the same bed, and we are still married to this day, doesn’t change the fact that *in my mind* our marriage ended a long time ago.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago

The lengths they go to in their minds to justify themselves is quite frankly exhausting.

Chumpinrecovery
Chumpinrecovery
3 years ago

Thanks for the reminder. “I haven’t felt like your husband in years” means “I have at least been thinking about cheating on you for years”.

Okupin
Okupin
3 years ago

Oh ho ho…so many to choose from. My ex and I didn’t actually speak much after D-day (my decision—he was verbally abusive when we did talk), but almost everything he said was pure UBT gold. I’ll skip the ones that have already been translated because, as we all know by this point, cheaters all work from the same stupid playbook.

Written in response to my text asking him to please stop forwarding me email notifications of his romantic dinner reservations with his whore at resorts he had promised to take me to, and to please be more discreet in general with the affair around our friends and colleagues, at least while we were still married (this was barely a month after D-day): “I am sincerely sorry that happened and will make sure it doesn’t happen again. I know this is a hard time for you and don’t want to do anything to make it worse. I hope you can be happy.”

UBT: “I am actually intentionally getting very public revenge on you for not satisfying my every need and whim for 20 years with a big ol’ cheery smile on your face, which is the whole purpose of having a wife appliance, right? But, I am also interested in image management above all, and I have to admit the email notifications weren’t a good look. The image I am trying to project here, to myself and everyone, is of the good guy who is simply trying to extract himself from a bad marriage to a crazy woman in the most gentlemanly way possible. That is why I added the ‘I hope you can be happy’—less than a month after springing my exit affair on you and abandoning you in the space of one hour, leaving you in a screaming heap on the floor—because I am trying desperately to convince myself, you, and our friends that I did nothing wrong, I am happy myself, and I remain SUCH a great guy that even though you were a “nasty” “fucking bitch” (direct quote), I wish you nothing but the best with your future endeavors.”

I’m gonna do something a bit different on this next one. It’s UBT-related, but this is the response I wish I had written to a text he sent me after I set a boundary on his ridiculous control plays at the end of the divorce process. He was doing the most ridiculous shit to get my attention and make me jump through hoops for him at this point—like asking me to settle $5 of Costco rewards with him and telling me it was somehow my responsibility to call all the utility companies and take his name off our accounts…. At any rate, this time he was trying to get me to add an additional moving day after he had already come to the house 8 times to move his shit out in drips and drabs (necessitating me being gone each time, of course). I finally put my foot down and told him he needed to stick to our agreement as it stood, and of course he does poorly with boundaries of any kind, so here is what he texted back: “I have been very respectful of your right to privacy, but I need to remind you that this is my house, too, and I have legal right to access it. This is a very difficult time for both of us, and I would ask you to cooperate.”

I almost sent this response, and fortunately my sister and best friend talked me down from it, b/c as CL says, don’t feed the beast:

“‘I need to remind you that this is my house, too, and I have legal right to access it.’ It’s not your house for long, [ex]. And it’s a little rich to hear you say that when you walked away from it and left me to mow the lawn and pull the weeds and handle the plumbing leaks, and the HVAC repairs, and the torn screens and the belligerent, drunk neighbor who came up to scream at me about our dog barking at the construction—without a SINGLE offer of help over the last four months. Maybe I should call your dad and ask him what he thinks about how well his son has been taking care of his wife and “his house”—what do you think he will say?

“‘This is a difficult time for both of us.’ I cannot believe you would write those words to me after what you SINGLEHANDEDLY did to our marriage and our family. This is the only response I will make to that: Self-inflicted wounds.

“‘I would ask you to cooperate.’ Oh, and you think I haven’t? That’s fascinating. Did you find all your clothes in a burning heap in the driveway? Your precious bicycles out on the curb with ‘additional waste’ stickers on them? The locks changed? Did I serve you with divorce papers at work? Did I call your family and your boss and tell them the truth about what you did to me? Plenty of other women in my position would have done ALL those things, and I have done NONE of them. But, if you want that to change, please do send me another text like this one.”

WeAreTheChumpions
WeAreTheChumpions
3 years ago
Reply to  Okupin

It would be have been ok if you sent it. There is nothing like the threat of exposure to get fuckwits to back down. It works. Everything you read out there about narcissists says they hate and fear exposure above all else.

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
3 years ago
Reply to  Okupin

Okupin,

I see so many similarities between our cheaters that it’s almost eerie.

He, too, “accidentally” sent me texts intended for the AP. “Malignant narcissist,” claimed my therapist who functions as my own personal UBT. “Accidental my ass.” (She didn’t really say that, but that was her drift.)

He, too, hoped I would find a way to be happy someday (which the UBT would say means, “I really don’t care if you’re happy, but I want to say that to make me feel magnanimous. If I really cared about your happiness, I would not have betrayed you.)

I got the it’s-my-house-too line and had to vacate for hours at a time as he moved out in dribs and drabs (although I did eventually make him finish up in a day. The man was livid!). Ugh!

I didn’t toss his shit onto the lawn.

I could go on…

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

“He, too, hoped I would find a way to be happy someday” He told that to his mother. She told me because she and I were at that time hoping he would “wake up”.

However, after we were legally separated and he found out I went out on a date, he freaked, and it started a string of calls to get me to “talk”. Yeah, no; too little, too late.

So what he meant I guess was, I hope she finds a way to be happy someday, as long as it doesn’t involve another man.

But I have no doubt it wasn’t about wanted me back, it was just about destabilizing me for any more kibbles he could get.

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
3 years ago
Reply to  Susie Lee

Double standards. They can sleep with other people. It’s cool. It’s twu luv.

But if we date (even after divorce!), holy cow! The nerve!

Mine actually said, “I know it’s irrational, but it really bothers me that you might date someone.” Oh and he wrote to me several months ago (pre NC) that he stayed up all night writing a primer for my next sexual partner. A sex god in his own mind.

chumpnomore6
chumpnomore6
3 years ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

“Mine actually said, “I know it’s irrational, but it really bothers me that you might date someone”.

Even after the discard, you are still something he *owns*.

I changed my name back to my maiden name, legally, before the divorce was final. My solicitor told him he had to return some documents of mine. He sent them, addressed to me in my *married* name. What a fuckwit. ????

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

My ex called me a few weeks before he got married and wanted to “talk” about working it out. I said no.

Then he called just before he left for Las Vegas to marry schmoopie and wanted to let me know. I said why did you call me. He said I just didn’t want you to hear it from someone else.

So weird. By then why would I care. I mean the whole point of our D was so he and schmoopie, so it isn’t like it would have been a shock.

For the record I didn’t get married until several years later. I never thought about calling him. I didn’t run off to LV, we got married by a preacher at my dads house.

chumpnomore6
chumpnomore6
3 years ago
Reply to  Susie Lee

“He said I just didn’t want you to hear it from someone else.”

No, he wanted to twist the knife into your back a little further. He was *hoping* the news would hurt you. Pain kibbles! Yummy!

So glad you didn’t give the shit bag any. ❤️

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago
Reply to  chumpnomore6

Yep.

I just remember thinking how weird, why would I care? I mean it was the reason for the divorce, they had found twe wuv.

BiologicalRobot
BiologicalRobot
3 years ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

I shut down the slowly moving out by renting a storage unit, putting all his shit it in and giving the key to an intermediary. Yes it cost me money and I had to pack all his stuff, but it was SO worth it to not have to look at his crap or worry when he would come by or trying to schedule it. He could only come with a police escort because I have a restraining order and I didn’t want to deal with it or with seeing him and hearing him whispering stupid shit to me about how everything was just misunderstood and he didn’t actually cheat ????

chumpnomore6
chumpnomore6
3 years ago

“I shut down the slowly moving out…”

Yes, what is it with these people?

Fuckwit said, “I’ll come and collect my stuff in bits when I have time”

I shut that shit down fast – instructed my solicitor to write a letter telling him he had to collect all his stuff, all at the same time, by a certain date, or I would get a professional house clearance firm to remove it. ????????????????

karenb6702
karenb6702
3 years ago

The night you went to the cinema broke me , that’s the night we ramped it up .

UBT : I can’t think of anything else to say but let’s make this your fault

I can’t breath I miss her every second of everyday I’m not with her

UBT : I’m a 14 year old boy in a 45 year olds body

She said I’m cute

UBT : I’m a morbidly obese, middle aged balding man baby and any sort of compliment gets my cock hard so I’m offski

WiserChump
WiserChump
3 years ago
Reply to  karenb6702

Similar to that. “I think I’m just a big kid”. No – you’re just a grown ass man fucking around behind your wife’s back.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago
Reply to  WiserChump

They try to pretzel it any way then can to avoid admitting they are committing adultery.

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
3 years ago
Reply to  WiserChump

“She flirted. She said she’s loved me for 10 years. I’m impulsive. We bonded over taking care of sick patients.”

UBT: I’m a shallow man taken in by flattery. I have no boundaries. I have no morals. I have no self-control. Telling you we bonded over taking care of the sick makes us both look good. I like to manage my image.

Adelante
Adelante
3 years ago

Written to me after I’d moved out and divorce negotiations were in progress:

“I’ve spent a lot of time this summer hoping that we could have some kind of friendship when we’re past the hard part.”

UBT:
I’d like to keep you softened up so you’ll agree to the property split I want, and also so you’ll support my narrative of “we grew apart” by remaining friends with me. I also realize that masturbating alone while dressed in women’s lingerie doesn’t give me the same thrill as you agreeing to bugger me while I’m dressed up in women’s lingerie.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago
Reply to  Adelante

Honestly, when my ex said to me: “I hope we can be friends” I wish I had said why on earth would you want to be friends with a woman who you have said was so horrible, you had no choice but to commit adultery?” But all I said was “no, I am particular about my friends”.

Ali
Ali
3 years ago

What he said after discovery would break the UBT. (Keep in mind that he is 55 years old):

“When a 20 something woman touches my penis, it makes me feel so young.”

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago
Reply to  Ali

These guys are evil that they would say things like this to a wife, even an ex wife. To have such low regard for another human being.

Note: mine tried to tell me about his first time with the whore. I stopped him, but he said enough to let me know it was in the back seat of the squad car.

What pleasure he got out of telling me I can’t fathom. Maybe, just to grind my nose in it.

ChumpedPunk
ChumpedPunk
3 years ago

My UBT was dusted off by my mother after she found it in the back of the closet. She was angry at me for letting it get dusty, so she had me clean it all up, and sing to it till it came back to life. It spit out this gem last month when I broke no contact after being cornered.

Dumpster Diver’s latest victim, aka “girlfriend” had been attempting to circumvent me in getting pictures of my child to give to him. He has no parental rights, for my baby’s protection. She wanted to give them to him while he was in jail. I squashed that. Told everyone that I will press charges against her and anyone that helps her. When he cornered me to talk I told him the state of things, hard boundary, don’t mess with my kid. His response? “I never told her to do that. I don’t know why she did that.”

UBT sprang to life, IT’S NOT MY FAULT! I’M NOT THE BAD GUY! IT’S ALL SOMEONE ELSE’S FAULT!” I laughed. So accurate! Now if I can teach it to text me those answers…

Foolishchump
Foolishchump
3 years ago

Me: Why did you cheat?

Fuckwit: You don’t cook.

Me: Wth….I cook every day, you always want to go out to eat and refuse to eat at home

Fuckwit: ….ugh…well….it’s because you won’t cook what I like.

Me: You mean x,y, z, v, h, i, j, k. etc, etc, etc foods that you love?

Fuckwit:…..silence…..cough…..

UBT: I might be a professional liar but I can’t come up with a damn thing to fault you over. This conversation isn’t going like I thought it would. You, chump, are supposed to cry and pick me dance instead of pointing out my absurdity.

Fuckwit: …..ugh…..you wouldn’t go bowling with me…..

Me: You don’t bowl!

Fuckwit:….you know what….don’t call me a cheater, I didn’t cheat, it was just a mistake!!!!!!

UBT: This blame shifting stuff is way harder than what the Cheater101 manual implies, but there is no way I’m going to ever admit that I cheated because I’m a disordered, entitled pos who doesn’t care about anyone but himself. Also, it’s not cheating if you walk into whore’s office and trip and fall into her crotch – it’s a legit mistake – happens to the best of them. Right?

UBT runs on red wine and chocolate chip cookies. Says after this much bs….might need a hot bath too.

Laura (not the hurricane!)
Laura (not the hurricane!)
3 years ago

My ex is maybe one of the people closest to being a true sociopath I have ever met. He projected like mad; never have I encountered anyone who, in retrospect, was so obvious about it. (I was very young and had neither the experience nor really the acquired vocabulary to describe what was going on then.) I have, however recalled a few gems from our time together:

“I have seen the worst a human being can be in you.”

I AM APPALLED AT MY OWN BEHAVIOR BUT COULD NEVER ADMIT THAT AND LEAVE MYSELF VULNERABLE

“Can’t we get past this” (some or other atrocious behavior on his part)

YOUR FEELINGS ARE UNIMPORTANT TO ME

“You ingrate!”

I DO NOT APPRECIATE THE SACRIFICES YOU HAVE MADE FOR ME, FOR I AM THE GREAT DOCTOR, AND I DESERVE THE LIFE I AM MEANT TO HAVE

“You don’t love our daughter! She’s just a doll to play with to you!”

I DO NOT CARE ABOUT OUR DAUGHTER BECAUSE SHE TAKES THE ATTENTION OFF ME AND MIGHT INTERFERE IN THE LIFESTYLE I DESERVE

“I’ve seen the way your family operates; nobody even talks to each other!”

MY FAMILY IS ALL UP IN ONE ANOTHERS’ BUSINESS BUT NOBODY REALLY KNOWS ANYONE ELSE BECAUSE WE LIE AND OBFUSCATE AND HIDE TRUTHS FROM EACH OTHER BECAUSE WE ARE PERFECT AND MUST REMAIN THAT WAY

“Honey, let’s part.”

I STARTED FUCKING A NURSE AROUND THE TIME OUR DAUGHTER WAS BORN AND SNEAKING AROUND IS TAKING UP TOO MUCH OF MY TIME

There are more, but you get the drift. In later years, he would brag to me about the trips he and his second family would take to Vegas and Disney, and I had to bite my tongue from saying, “So what you’re telling me is that you’re basic.”

He has not spoken to our daughter since she moved out of state, about six years now, and I know it hurts her. He doesn’t know we had a stillborn grandson. He also cheats with impunity on his current wife, which someone found out and told me. My second marriage is fraught, we have problems that would have made most people throw in the towel long ago, but I want to fix it, not break it up. We do not cheat on each other. My ex is rich, charming, and at age sixty, still model gorgeous, but I love the life and family I have now.

informal
informal
3 years ago

Your family reference is a trigger. I got something along the same lines during a long ranging rant about his life and problems were my moms,dads, brothers, our kids, my …..fault. “Your family isn’t close at all.” Well, I won’t even get into his fucked up foo. I’m the youngest with three older brothers. The one closest in age died in 05. The next is 6 ys older and the oldest died a few years back and he was 10 yrs older. His brother was our neighbor and they were close until his death (another excuse used for abuse/sadness. I didn’t abuse anyone when my closest brother died before that)
My family was unaware of the abuse. The exception may have been my oldest brother who said he didn’t like the way ex treated me and the kids.
My family/ his excuse was there on the night we got out. My brother, cousins, dad, kids, all supporting, helping, ready to defend us if he showed up. My oldest brother left me enough money to pay an attorney. My parents gifted me his home so the kids and I have a safe place to live. Honestly, they would have done anything for the ex until I got brave enough to tell what was happening which was on the day we left. My family was there! We actually had weekly dinners for years that he couldn’t be bothered with. Ex preferred that I remain isolated from them and voiceless.
I guess the UBT would be his family makes him feel less than and Yours have always been supportive.

Peregrine
Peregrine
3 years ago
Reply to  informal

And: YOUR SUCESS IS MY FAILURE.

Mitz
Mitz
3 years ago

You are well rid of that human pustule

Emma C
Emma C
3 years ago

(Situation: saw him kissing party guest in kitchen and didn’t make a scene. We are now clearing away the party when I ask him about it.)
“What kind of woman are you that you aren’t angry about my kissing another woman? If you genuinely loved me, you’d be really furious!”
UBT: I’ve been busted and now I’m turning it on you

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago
Reply to  Emma C

And had you been furious and thrown a fit, or a knife. It would have been you have no self control whatsoever. I had to fuck someone else just to ease the pain.

Wiser Now
Wiser Now
3 years ago

After I found out he was boinking his schmoopie underling at the office, I told him all I had to do was call his boss, tell him what was going on, and they both would have been fired. He indignantly said, “How could you do that to “US?” Meaning him and me. Didn’t even need the UBT; the irony blew me away.

Fearful&loathing
Fearful&loathing
3 years ago
Reply to  Wiser Now

Same situation, when I threatened to tell his boss he said “but nothing will happen to her (OW)” meaning only he would get fired because he WAS HER BOSS.

This was quickly followed with, “you wouldn’t do that to [our son]”. Meaning he would loose income therefore impacting our child. Yep. It’s ok for him to risk all that by committing adultery but it’s MY fault if there are actual consequences because I SAID something.

ThursdaysChild
ThursdaysChild
3 years ago

I have one that I need help with. It’s stupid but it’s been bugging me. I’m NC, with only rare sporadic necessary (like tax questions) exceptions for about a year now. In the last couple of months I’ve gotten 2 texts from cheater and I can’t make heads or tails of it. The first one I think I figured was a ‘look see I’m nice we can be friends’ dumb thing. But a couple of weeks ago I got “I hope you are all doing ok”. Random, out of the blue. I end up looking at it like it’s an organic chemistry equation and I’m learning long division. I just can’t compute why the need to send that or what he was trying to accomplish. Can anyone loan me their UBT? (I can offer it potato chips and cuddles.) No worries if not, it’s not a big deal just one of those things that niggles me. And as a footnote, my kids and I are all NC, he sends them texts they don’t reply to, and I didn’t reply to either of these.

Attie
Attie
3 years ago
Reply to  ThursdaysChild

Two thoughts on that. Are things still hunky dory in schmoopieville? Or could he have been drunk?

ThursdaysChild
ThursdaysChild
3 years ago
Reply to  Attie

No idea. They are half a world away and I’m not on social media nor do I do anything else to check in on him. He doesn’t drink, or rather didn’t when I knew him who knows now. I’ve been NC for about a year except for two necessary texts; last time I saw his face or heard his voice is a year give or take. I read about kibbles here but he’s never been that guy – he’s a coward and will chew glass before risking rejection or shame, so it hit me as strange.

Foolishchump
Foolishchump
3 years ago
Reply to  ThursdaysChild

UBT: I’m really short on kibbles and whoring isn’t much fun if I can’t triangulate my family #imagemanagement

So look at me ThursdaysChild, I’m so magnanimous, I care about your wellfare, because clearly you can’t possibly be well without me and my whoring in your life. #IcheatbecauseIcare

It’s been long enough for you to miss me desperately, so here I send these texts so you can run swooning back into my lying cheating arms so I can screw you over some more. You know you want to, so stop resisting the irresistible fuckwit #winningatkibbles

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago
Reply to  Foolishchump

????

I really think that first sentence nails it for a lot of these guys. Once the cold water of exposure is thrown on them…

Jumper
Jumper
3 years ago
Reply to  Foolishchump

Nailed it!

ThursdaysChild
ThursdaysChild
3 years ago
Reply to  Foolishchump

lol! Nicely done–here are your (((cuddles))). I may have snacked on the chips. 😉 I just have never seen this particular jackass as a kibble chaser; he’s more of the runner/coward type so these last couple of texts have just been weird to me especially since I/we haven’t seen or spoken to him in about a year. I would’ve thought there was some sort of natural end point where the cheater doesn’t do this anymore?

It’s really a non-issue just made me do that Scooby-Doo head tilt with the “Ruh?” My kids and I have a plan that when we move out of the house we’re going to have a ‘block party’ and all block him from our cell phones at the same time. That will probably be the last time I spare him even one thought.

Foolishchump
Foolishchump
3 years ago
Reply to  ThursdaysChild

Covert narcissists tend to be runner/hider/coward./avoider types, but they still absolutely want kibbles. It’s just that their wanting and how they go about it is much more subtle and of the passive aggressive variety.

If you aren’t fluent in that language, a lot of their bs will probably go right over your head. Don’t mean that in the negative way, more just that if you are normal and sane, you are liable to miss their cues, thus the covert part. Bottom line though is that no, they never ever let go or leave you alone unless and until you block them, get rid of them and draw such a hard boundary that they simply cannot cross it anymore.

In fact, don’t be surprised that after your block party ( love it!), he gets a different number and starts pestering you again. It’s not about caring, it’s about control – as in you don’t get to get rid of him, he will do that if/ever he is ready and he never will be because…kibbles. Even if you don’t respond, still kibbles. I know it’s not rational….but then that’s the point – these disordered creatures are not rational and live in an alternative universe from the rest of us. Too bad we cross paths with them.

ThursdaysChild
ThursdaysChild
3 years ago
Reply to  Foolishchump

Whoa! This is a spot on description of cheater–he does have covert narcissistic traits and passive-aggressive is his spirit animal. I had thought being both of those things afforded me the pleasure of him being one of ‘those’ who ran far (he has) and permanently away with no look over the shoulder. I mean, he ended up moving out because I gave him a derisive sound and ignored/avoided him–waited for eldest and I to take youngest to college and moved out without a word. It took a good week or so before I realized he was permanently gone. As naive as it sounds I just can’t fathom with his chicken shit ways he’d continue to attempt to contact me, so I do appreciate your insight on this.

Foolishchump
Foolishchump
3 years ago
Reply to  ThursdaysChild

Yeah, he walked away and then …it’s been a year and he pinged you…. So might be another year or two or even five, but he might try to ping you again. If you are lucky this was it, but…..it might happen again. They are parasitic like that.

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
3 years ago
Reply to  Foolishchump

Foolishchump nails this covert type. They alwys want to remain relevant. They want to engage us. They’ll pop up when we least expect it. They might say something kind or not. It’s crazymaking. Although I’ve blocked mine from my phone, we still have to maintain some email contace for business stuff.

I thought the passive-agressive shit was behind me, but I was wrong. Our birthdays are only days apart; his comes first. I did not write to him on his birthday nor did his adult children. On my birthday, he emailed that he wanted to “acknowledge my birthday and offer best wishes.” I replied with a curt, “thanks.”

The next day, he failed to send alimony. So much for “best wishes.”

UBT: How dare you not acknowledge my birthday??? I will make you think of me on yours. And, I will not send alimony so you have to ask for it. Notice me!!!

(UBT is tired. Long day translating so much BS. An after-dinner scotch hits the spot.)

Fearful&loathing
Fearful&loathing
3 years ago
Reply to  ThursdaysChild

Mission accomplished on his part. He got in your head and you are constantly thinking about him. It’s not the words, it’s the mere fact of contact in any form.

If no kids, block him on all unofficial channels. No. More. Texts.

Susannah
Susannah
3 years ago

Backstory: My Dad, for years, said he stayed in a marriage to my mother (“a difficult, unhappy woman not dealing with her issues” per Dad) because in a past life he had hurt her, and his karma was to stay with her to work that off. He then left my Mom for a woman who said he didn’t need to do that. Then the woman changed her mind. Then he met my stepmother, Miss Snot Nice, who did everything she could to push me out of the picture, and succeeded. They were married for 20 years. She died suddenly of cancer in May of 2020. They were living in a travel trailer year-round at the time, parked on the farm of a friend of Miss Snot Nice. Dad still lives in the trailer. Because of his state’s filial duty law, I am his executor as a means to protect my family’s finances. For today’s post, I will UBT an abridged (he is long-winded) version of an email my Dad sent last week. I have named him Eustace, in honor of the post a few days ago. My translation is in brackets.

Hi [Uses nickname that used to evoke a feeling of closeness and safety],

I think it’s time to share some news with you.

[I remembered I have only one biological child who is also my executor and Power of Attorney]

After a month of pretty rugged grief, which faded to occasional sadness, I realized I was done with grief and not much caring for living alone. It hit one night after a get-together with two sets of friends. They went home as couples, and I went home alone. So I decided, since it is unwise to wait years for something when you’re about to turn 76, that I was ready to look for a companion for more of the journey.

[My wife of 20 years died and I am so over it. Other people have companions, not fair! Marcus Lycus, I am in the market for a lifetime companion. Also, I have the timeline of a mayfly.]

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f0WtvY3rTqE

I registered on Match, put up an honest profile with a preference for someone in Pacific Northwest and a heartfelt summary on who I am. I resolved to wait until someone liked me first and included a specific message in response, which is what Miss Snot Nice did 20 years ago. And in roughly 2 weeks, the Universe told Next to look one more time after months and months of disappointment. She saw my profile, read my summary and sent a similarly heartfelt reply.

[Beware all women on Match. I have an honest profile where my Vietnam service is described as ‘has traveled in Asia’. I may or may not have a daughter, depending on if any responses don’t like daughters. I will not reach out, because I am splendid. Woman must be sent to me! By the Universe! Also, I am the savior for Next.]

Next is an artist. She is resilient and prevails in numerous clever ways.

[She is Next.]

Messages on Match led to emails and finally phone calls. The first was a long one. We’ve traded life stories, spiritual journeys, poems we liked and some we wrote, recommendations for YouTube videos and articles we liked. I’ve even taken an online course she recommended, and I’ve started meditating. It was clear very quickly that we have something special.

[We had a long phone call. It’s Twu Luv! We like the same videos and I meditate now. #Allbetter]

Miss Snot Nice appears to agree. She most clearly said, not long ago, “Get the truck detailed before go meet Next. It’s a mess.”

That will happen when Next and I spend September 1-3 together at a place on the California coast.

[I talk to my dead wife. I’m sure this won’t cause any issues during the three day fuckfest with Next.]

We made the date for the stay in California when we were still considering whether to be a couple.

[We met a month ago. We’re taking things slow. #Notreally]

Things have gone beyond that to the point that the stay will be more like honeymoon and business planning. Plan now is I’ll move in with Next in Pacific Northwest next spring when a roomer moves out. No talk yet of marriage. Maybe there won’t be. I’ll know more after California.

[All my relationships are business transactions. #TwuLuv. The roomer may or may not be her husband. She hasn’t said. California has all the answers, and I’ll know more then because I am incapable of assessing a situation like a logical adult. I like to live like I’m in a Hallmark movie. #Lifegoals]

Next lives in a nice 3-bedroom house with room for studio and workshop space. During the pandemic, she’s working on art pieces to promote marketing to gift shops on the coast. I’ll likely be helping her while working on my own drawing and painting, perhaps getting involved in the music community in Pacific Northwest, hopefully supplementing income with computer troubleshooting. I’ve been successful with the help I’ve already given her, and she says there’s a demand there.

[I am making plans for the house owned by some woman I haven’t met yet. I am also basing my financial well being on the word of an artist who hasn’t said who her ‘roomer’ is. #Thisisnotabusinesstransaction, #Ihatelivinginthetrailer]

Lots to do, and we’re excited.

I’ll tell you more as I know and send a picture of us in California, if I remember to take one.

[I have to move my stuff into her house before she figures me out. I’ll send a picture if I bother to remember you exist.]

I hope you’re maikng progress with Hondo and enjoying whatever you do with everyone else.

[I know you are dealing with a son who is bipolar and has had legal trouble, good luck with that. Oh, and the others. Those are grandkids, right? With names?]

I love you, and I’m proud of you.

Eustace

[Sure, Dad. Good luck with that. I hope you have both your kidneys on September 4th.]

Jumper
Jumper
3 years ago
Reply to  Susannah

That was excellent.

ThursdaysChild
ThursdaysChild
3 years ago
Reply to  Susannah

I’m sorry you have to deal with that, and DAMN you’re good at the UBT.

NotYourPlanB
NotYourPlanB
3 years ago

“I kind of hope it doesn’t work out with her because I miss home.”

UBT #1: This affair isn’t as much fun now that you know about it. It’s also inconvenient since you wouldn’t agree to be the one move out. I was hoping I’d get to stay in the marital home and magically replace you with the AP. I’m confused why that didn’t happen.

UBT #2: To be clear, I don’t miss you. The only thing I miss is this couch and the grandfathered-in low rent.

NotYourPlanB
NotYourPlanB
3 years ago
Reply to  NotYourPlanB

It’s such a nice couch. Always faithful; never complaining or demanding my secret credit card statements; never making crazy demands like “please stay home and help me with the kids because I have the flu”. I should buy this sofa some flowers. Sneaking around with my AP is pretty hot but this sofa’s cushy curvy arms are the real thing . Hellloooo, baby….

Traveling the World
Traveling the World
3 years ago

“I didn’t realize it until now, but I’ve been secretly unhappy for years.”
I’m a spoiled-rotten, entitled woman-child always looking for someone to blame for the fact that I don’t live in fairy-tale castle with magical servants. My new therapist did me a solid by suggesting I blame you (again).

“I was so upset when I broke up with my previous boyfriend, and then I met you. That isn’t a way to start with someone else.”
Back then, you were of great use to me. Thanks for being the emotional maxi pad, there, TTW.

“I just need to be free of all men in my life except my father and my son.”
Well, that and the AP I still secretly screw in the alleyway next to the dumpster behind that restaurant you like.

“I’ve never been as in love with you as with the OM [plural]”
You were of great use to me, paying my bills and providing me comfort. Too bad you just weren’t A-list material.

“Our marriage was never actually real to me.”
Except for that expensive wedding, the rings, the kids, the house we lived in, the shared last name, and the legal document that says we were married.

“You’re not as attractive as me. Otherwise, I wouldn’t have found all these AP’s.”
You have far more self-esteem than me, someone who is flattered by any goober who remembers my name.

“We were never meant to be together. If we were, I wouldn’t have had all these ‘side dishes.'”
Who knows what the universe and fate want? It’s not my fault, gravitational forces from the Zodiac forced me into those trysts next to the dumpster.

“You’re clearly broken, and have been your whole life.”
I’m broken, and have been my whole life.

WiserChumo
WiserChumo
3 years ago

Wow Travel. What a catalog of bullshit. Great internal UBT!

Hee hee..”emotional maxi pad”

Traveling the World
Traveling the World
3 years ago
Reply to  WiserChumo

Thanks!
I actually can’t take credit for that phrase. I had a girlfriend long ago (before I met my ex-wife) that used that to describe someone who was being used as nothing more than a large emotional dump for someone else’s negative emotions.

MichelleShocked
MichelleShocked
3 years ago

“She went to Penn. That’s an Ivy League school.”

UBT: I think that f*cking her gives me an Ivy League degree too (even though I went to Purdue). I now have an honorary PhD from her magical Ivy League Schmoopie p*ssy

MichelleShocked
MichelleShocked
3 years ago

This UBT runs on gummy candy (gummy bears, Swedish Fish, most any will do) and loads of hot tea while watching random reruns of S*x in the City

WiserChump
WiserChump
3 years ago

HA! I.L.S.P. Good one Michelle.

Ps, love the MichelleShocked name/reference. I had one of her albums long long ago ????

LezChump
LezChump
3 years ago

LOL that’s classic. I say this as a lifelong academic. After you’re approximately 28, who gives a crap what college your romantic interest went to? (Especially if you’re cheating with them…)

Mitz
Mitz
3 years ago

She is warm and fuzzy

UBT: I have kept her in the dark about my true POS nature

You need to practice reconciliation and forgiveness

UBT I can use your christian beliefs to control you

You only cared about money

UBT All he cares about it money