I recently found out that my wife of 2 years has been in an sexual/emotional affair with a old college crush for over a year (possibly longer). To make matters worse, we’ve been in a dead bedroom since the end of engagement.
We went to couples counseling and it failed. I was seriously considering getting out soon if she didn’t get help. As for her affair, she didn’t mention it once during couples counseling. The entire time, I believed that the dead bedroom resulted from anxiety, and boredom on her end. We’ve been separated since I found out about her cheating.
At first, she constantly tried apologizing and sweet talking me. She kept telling me that she loved me, and would have came clean after getting some individual counseling. After I filed, she became angry and said she thought we would work it out.
After finding out that she won’t be entitled to any premarital property, she became an entirely different person. She yelled and cursed at me, smiled when I was getting worked up, and blocked me on all social media. It is all starting to get real now. Our nice little house is now empty, yet still full of lies. I keep having feelings of sadness about the end of our marriage. I am very angry that she managed to lie and manipulate me this whole time. My needs went unmet the entire marriage while she had her fun. Despite our problems, I loved our companionship. I would’ve done anything for her.
I’m struggling to understand the point of all of this. Why did she decide to marry me? We wasted so much time and money in counseling. When our therapist ran out of options for us, she cried for hours. Here I was, believing I was a patient and understanding husband, when she was lying the entire time. This is the kind of stuff you see in crazy romantic dramas. The logical voice in my head tells me that I’m doing the right thing, and standing up for myself. The emotional side is sad that I have to live a life without her. Why am I not relieved to be leaving this sham of a marriage?
Okay, last question first. Why are you not relieved to be rid of this sociopathic, withholding monster? Because to be relieved would mean you’d have to accept that she’s a sociopathic, withholding monster.
That’s a big bite of pain and you can only absorb so much crushing reality at once. Over time you’ll accept what a piece of shit she is. But right now you cannot fully trust that she sucks. And at this moment, it doesn’t matter. What matters is that you’re protecting yourself and getting a divorce. Your heart will eventually catch up to your head. You won’t miss her loving companionship. You’ll think of her as the bitch who felt entitled to your house after you caught her cheating.
Why did she decide to marry me?
Because you were of use to her.
Because the deceit makes her feel powerful. Sexy. Superior to chumpy unknowing you.
You can’t understand it because you’re not disordered. You wouldn’t do that to her, and you see the world through your own moral lens. Anyone who truly loved you could not behave this way. They couldn’t live a total double life and fake their way through breakfast or couple’s therapy for over a year. Only someone pickled in entitlement, utterly disconnected from you, and who lacked all empathy could do that.
We wasted so much time and money in counseling.
Yeah, well that’s ego kibbles to her. Time, money and centrality spent on her.
You there, on the shrink’s sofa, pick me dancing for your marriage. Working so hard, with such compassion, for a dilemma you don’t understand because she’s lying.
When our therapist ran out of options for us, she cried for hours.
The drama! Someone may take her cake away! The LostGuy Humiliation Show is going off the air! Whatever shall she stream next?
This is the kind of stuff you see in crazy romantic dramas.
No, more like Dateline segments where the guy ends up dead for the insurance money.
But yeah, to her, I’m sure she felt like the quite the award-winning actress.
my wife of 2 years has been in an sexual/emotional affair with a old college crush for over a year (possibly longer). To make matters worse, we’ve been in a dead bedroom since the end of engagement
Let’s talk about that dead bedroom, LostGuy. YOU MATTER. It would’ve been totally okay to call it quits on the no sex issue, because that’s not the relationship you signed up for.
First I want to applaud you for your sensitivity — a compassion that was weaponized against you. There are times in any couple’s life, if you go the distance, where someone is not going to be in the mood, or has health issues, or have small children who cause great joy and utter exhaustion. Times where no one’s orgasm is on the top of the to-do charts.
That understanding of yours is a beautiful thing — don’t lose it. BUT DON’T GO TWO YEARS WITHOUT SEX EITHER. Not if sex is important to you! (It’s not important to some people. That’s okay too.) YOU MATTER.
LostGuy — you did all the right things. You talked to her, you went to therapy. You didn’t just harrumph and leave. You were an A+++ partner. But going forward, be okay with asserting what you need in a relationship. This relationship seems toxically lopsided with you doing all the understanding and her doing all the drama and calls for forbearance. Ugh.
Chumps get flinchy on the dead bedroom topic, because ironically, it’s an issue that is the classic cheater excuse. “I was in a sexless marriage.” But in my experience (and I just read hundreds of thousands of chump stories… the blog flipped 32 million this week…) the people most often experiencing “dead bedrooms” are chumps. Yes, it’s a sexless marriage because the sex is happening elsewhere.
And my advice is to anyone, chumps and non-chumps, if sex matters to you, and you’re in a sexless relationship? END IT. Ethically, compassionately, but END it. You matter. Cheating solves nothing. It just disrespects your partner and takes risks with their health that weren’t consented to.
At first, she constantly tried apologizing and sweet talking me. She kept telling me that she loved me, and would have came clean after getting some individual counseling.
Gosh, all those therapy options you ran out of, individual counseling never occurred to her! Just coincidentally after she got busted. Huh. Guess her google was broken.
After I filed, she became angry and said she thought we would work it out.
You took away her cake — all your husband appliance benefits, plus side dish fucking — so, she flipped to rage. Remember the mindfuck has three channels, charm, rage, and self-pity. She did them all. Sweet-talking, anger, and poor boo didn’t get the Individual Fuckwit Therapy.
After finding out that she won’t be entitled to any premarital property, she became an entirely different person.
No, LostGuy, she’s exactly that person. Always has been. You’re just seeing it now.