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Is Reporting Him Revenge?

Dear Chump Lady,

My ex cheated on me with a very good friend for almost 2 years. We were actually couple friends as well. She filed for divorce last summer after a year of their affair and her divorce was final the end of Feb 2020. I found out about the affair 1 week after her divorce was final, my ex got careless and left his Ipad while going to a training, and I read many, many awful texts between them….how much they love each other, about their amazing sex life, what a wonderful life they are going to have together, how long the affair had been going on and so much more.

He was glad I found out and filed for divorce the next day…he said all the stupid shit cheaters say in your book (which I wish I had read the day before I found out so I could have responded appropriately). He loved me but was not in love with me, I did not meet his needs, he deserved to be happy and she made him so happy, he never meant to hurt me because I was not supposed to find out and on and on. But at the end of the day he loved her not me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with her.

Honestly I wanted to try to work it out but he would have none of it. So we did not. Since we had no children together and only had our home owned jointly, our divorce was final 60 days after he filed…. even with COVID-19. He gave me half of the equity of our home and I moved out, leaving him and our 2 dogs and 2 cats. It was an awful 60 days with much anger displayed between both of us… He on several on several occasions raged at me pointing his finger in my face, threatening me which caused me to pack a suitcase and stay at my Mom’s until the divorce was final and I could arrange to move my belongings. I was so relieved to be out of there and away from him.

He immediately starting contacting me telling me how much he missed me and still loved me and wanted to always be a part of my life and I, like a chump, let him back in. He said they (he and my ex friend) were having growing pains in their relationship and he would not be contacting me if all was good; he just was not certain of their future and besides he still loved me. He even came over and helped me get settled in my new place.

He would hug and kiss me, but said he could not ever have sex until their relationship was over because he promised her he would be faithful. I said you promised me that in our wedding vows but that did not stop you from having sex with her. He looked me in the face and said his vow to her was more important and I yet I still let him back in. He started texting me daily goodnight and good morning and checking on me throughout the day and I fell hook, line and sinker. Six weeks went by and things changed, he stopped texting as often and would not answer my calls and I assumed rightly they worked things out so I decided to do what I should have done in the beginning I went No Contact. That has been 3 weeks.

In your book you advise the reader to not write the manifesto exposing their cheater, but here is why I need advice.

I met my ex cheater after I was newly divorced from my first ex-husband of 30 years — I had just relocated back to my hometown, accepted my old job position back and was seeking a personal trainer to help me with my workouts. I was 54 and met my new ex and we established the relationship of personal trainer/trainee. At the time he was the assistant director at our local YMCA. He told me his ex-girlfriend was living with him, but it was over and she was moving out in the next month and I believed him. After 2 months he began to truly flirt with me and I fell for his advances and we stepped from the trainer/trainee to having sex with each other. Within a month I found out he lied to me as he was still together with the girlfriend and I ended our relationship, but we agreed he could continue to train me which was hard. He did end it with his ex girlfriend and then we started our relationship again…dated…moved in together …totally remodeled our house….got married…. I thought we had a great marriage for 9 years but it was all a lie.

During our marriage he became the CEO of the YMCA and I supported him through all of his advances within the Y. He began this affair in the same manner he began his relationship with me, he cultivated it playing on her. Training her 3 times a week. He decided (unknown to me) he was done with our marriage and began his advances towards her, whom he had been training for 3 years ( he also had been training her husband and daughter during all of this).

During their subsequent 2-year affair he made certain his affair partner was named as a member of the YMCA Board of Directors and very soon as the Secretary Treasurer of that Board. When their affair became known, he lied to the President of his Board stating that they made one mistake and he was truly sorry and the President said okay let’s put this behind us and get back to work. Everyone at the Y thinks I was the reason for the divorce as he and his affair partner are honest Christian people.

His behavior is not just one of a sexual predator, but should be a disgrace to everything the YMCA stands for. Their affair began under the roof of the Y and developed and grew under the roof and in his office with closed doors while they had sex with members and children milling about. He does not stand for the principals of the Y. He violated every Code of Ethics and Code of Conduct the YMCA promotes. He had a long lasting affair with his Secretary Treasurer of his Board of Directors, which was a tremendous conflict of interest. He is a fraud and a predator and should not be the CEO of the Y and I want nothing more than for him to be fired.

Help me decide how to proceed please!

Lost

Dear Lost,

You’ve been humiliated by this guy, and you abased yourself to take him back time and again, since your relationship started. He lies, you keep him on as your trainer. And even after having a two-year affair with your former friend, you would’ve stayed married to him?

But at the end of the day he loved her not me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with her.

Honestly I wanted to try to work it out

So, you would’ve worked it out and NOT been appalled about the YMCA Code of Ethics and Code of Conduct if you had won the pick-me dance?

I mean, thank God you didn’t win the pick me dance with that piece of shit, but as long as he was sniffing around your door with his pathetic sorries, were you willing to look the other way about “sex with members and children milling about”?

He immediately starting contacting me telling me how much he missed me and still loved me and wanted to always be a part of my life and I, like a chump, let him back in. He said they (he and my ex friend) were having growing pains in their relationship and he would not be contacting me if all was good; he just was not certain of their future and besides he still loved me. He even came over and helped me get settled in my new place.

UGH!!! Burn sage!!!

Also forgive the CL lexicon lesson, but “chumps” don’t let cheaters back in their lives — hopium addicts do. Unicorn chasers. People desperate for reconciliation with creatures of demonstrably shitty character. Being unknowing is being chumped. Volunteering for this shit is another level of fuckupedness.

Most of us have spent time in the infidelity meat grinder, we get it, but you gotta recognize it for what it is and own your part. You KNEW he was terrible, and that was acceptable to you.

And now it’s not acceptable. Okay. So perhaps this is revenge and not a new understanding about the honor code of the YMCA. People blow the whistle for all sorts of reasons, pure and impure, and it doesn’t make the exposed wrong-doing any less wrong. But again, be aware of your motivations and how you’re going to answer the sticky questions.

He would hug and kiss me, but said he could not ever have sex until their relationship was over because he promised her he would be faithful. I said you promised me that in our wedding vows but that did not stop you from having sex with her. He looked me in the face and said his vow to her was more important and I yet I still let him back in.

I’m sorry I read that as “I kicked his head in.”

He gets OFF on your humiliation. The only vow this guy ever made was to his dick. Why was this acceptable to you? She’s MORE important? And you’re determined to shuffle and tap until you’re first in his affections? I get you must feel awful about this, but the post-fuckwit work all chumps must do after, is ask ourselves WHY did we elevate such an UNWORTHY person to such a position of centrality?

Oh hey, the YMCA did it too.

When their affair became known, he lied to the President of his Board stating that they made one mistake and he was truly sorry and the President said okay let’s put this behind us and get back to work.

Well, that tells you all you need to know about how they feel about their Code of Ethics. The affair was known and they rug swept it.

So your choice is demonstrate it wasn’t “one mistake” (oh hey, here’s a raft of email exchanges! With time stamps! And descriptions of sex on the shuffleboard court!) — it was a two-year campaign of dishonesty that goes against their stated values.

Okay, sure, drop that bomb if you want to. But let go afterwards. You don’t control how they react. And given how they reacted before, they may dismiss it. And write you off as the Scorned Wife. If you report, you do it because it’s the right thing to do, not because of how you may be perceived.

His behavior is not just one of a sexual predator,

Are there other people he’s creeping on that you know of? Or just your ex-friend Schmoopie?

Legally, I would be very careful about publicly calling someone a predator unless there were many victims or the guy was on a registered sex offender list.

but should be a disgrace to everything the YMCA stands for.

It should be. I hope it is.

If you’re going to expose him, I would be sure your divorce is final. And then I would go to the board and just hand over the evidence — all the emails and screen shots of the texts, or what have you. No editorializing. Let them decide. They’ll probably paint you as crazy, but evidence speaks for itself.

Then divest yourself from the outcome. You don’t need to be caught up in Schmoopie/Fuckwit drama. She chumped her family for this flaming turd. She’ll live to regret it.

He’s probably “training” her replacement about now…

Go enjoy your fuckwit-free life. It’s the best revenge.

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • I’m not sure what the right answer is here but I wonder if this chump let the other chump (OW’s former husband) know the real reason they got divorced also!

    • YES! I think telling the ex-husband might give him some clarity he might otherwise never have. That’s just my opinion though.

      Even just to message him and be like, “Hey it wasn’t you, she was cheating with my now ex-husband. Just thought you should know”

  • Wow.

    1) You could use a crash course on boundaries. It sounds like this has been a problem in your life for a long time. In fact, you might find that you have had a problem with boundaries in other relationship – family, work, friends. A good therapist can help you come to grips with this.

    2) Your courtship with this character had more red flags than a May Day parade in Moscow circa 1976. If they do it with you, they’ll do it to you. But hey, you know that now.

    3) Until you’ve done some work on those boundaries, I would stay away from dating and romantic relationships. You’re pretty vulnerable right now, and it sounds like the last guy began as a rebound thing.

    My $2.50 worth.

    • This👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻
      Forget revenge and the Y.
      Focus on yourself. You need to work on changing your thoughts about yourself and your worth. That will be a far better use of your time and energy.

      • Yes I agree with Motherchumper, and you have no idea what this POS will do if he loses his job “… He on several on several occasions raged at me pointing his finger in my face, threatening me which caused me to pack a suitcase and ……” Don’t underestimate what this POS’s is capable of. Good Luck

    • All true. I still feel so sorry for her that she allowed herself to be used. I mean to a large extent we all were, until we found out, then most of us got through the pick me dancing pretty quick, before the pride kicked in.

      My ex tried to woo me back into his crazy several times after I had given him one chance (it lasted a week) whenever he tried after that I turned him down. However, I turned him down politely, if I had it to do over I would have used some really good zingers. But, hindsight. I didn’t have CL as a resource back then.

      Oh and my ex would have gladly had sex with me, heck he went on to cheat on schmoopie as soon as they were married, likely before. He was certainly enjoying sex with me up until about 4 months before he walked out the door.

      Sex was certainly a part of the week I let him come back. did nothing for me, and I realized in that time, I no long had any desire for him. The desire never returned.

      • Yes, we all go through the used stage when we do the pick me dance. Shoot I did it for 3yrs and multiple affairs.

        I did not know he was a cheater though before I married him, like Lost did. I didn’t realize he was a cheater until 6yrs went by.

        • Yep. I was only 18, as was he when we married, so I didn’t know.

          I don’t know how I managed to get out of that mess as quick as I did (pick me dancing). Likely in large part because, after a month give or take a few days, I finally called my dad and he helped me see reality. Also, I had ordered some credit card statements for the last year and saw the money he was spending on schmoopie, and he was being so nasty. It all kind of worked together for me to call him and say, you need to file as you wanted the divorce.

          He didn’t want to file, because he “didn’t want to hurt me” what a laugh. I said please file, it is the least you can do for me, since you are the one that wanted the divorce. Also, per my lawyer if I could get him to file, it would give him (my lawyer) more options for the legal separation period (temp maintenance). But, of course I didn’t tell him that part.

          Had he not filed, I would have had to to protect my financial health.

          I did let him come back one time (only lasted a week) but we were still under the legal separation banner. I actually called my lawyer to see if it would affect me. He said nope, call me if it doesn’t work out. He told me later, he knew I would be calling back soon, as this guy was a mess.

          • Yes, I forgave the first two affairs (one emotional and one physical which was a one-night stand). I wanted to leave him both times but he begged and convinced me to stay and we did counseling after each one. Although they were both affairs, they each were very different too. The third one I never forgave or looked back.

            It’s weird that he said he didnt want to hurt you by filing for divorce? At that point the damage is done. My XH wanted us to stay married even after his third affair but I was so done. I just find it so strange they don’t want to divorce when they will always go out on the marriage. I told him once, “you wanna have freedom to see other women, freedom granted” that’s when I was finally done and moved fwd with divorce. He didn’t like it at all.

            • I know. (didn’t want to hurt me) I just said too late for that. In that same phone call, he said I hope we can eventually be friends. I said “no; I am really particular about who my friends are.” We had to see each other a few times for grandchildren’s school events and such. We were civil, but we never became friends. I think he hated my now husband, more than I ever hated schmoopie. Which is really weird, because I met my now husband long after we were legally separated, and we were done.

              Honestly, though I got out of the mess fairly quickly. I didn’t get out of the pain as fast, but I did get out of the mess legally, I still wish I had been nastier to him a few times. I guess it just wasn’t in me.

              I stopped the abuse, but I may have taken the high road a bit much. I did have some early thoughts when I first found out, of them both floating face down in the Ohio River. But, I got out of that mind set pretty quickly. I pretty much knew that they would be the author of their own unhappiness. I didn’t need to bother.

              Just didn’t want to do the time. 🙂

              • “I did have some early thoughts when I first found out, of them both floating face down in the Ohio River. But, I got out of that mind set pretty quickly. I pretty much knew that they would be the author of their own unhappiness. I didn’t need to bother.

                Just didn’t want to do the time.”

                This kinda made me crack up lol

                The only thoughts I had like this was ramming OW’s precious car with mine and throwing his precious golf clubs through his windshield. They didn’t stay together though that I know of, so those thoughts went away quickly and I was satisfied with knowing he’d have a miserable life on his own due to how he lives it.

    • Exactly my thought Lola Granola. It they do it with you, they’ll do it to you. When they show you who they are, believe them.

      • this is to WrecktheRIC, for some reason it won’t let me reply directly.

        Who knows. All I know is what my son/daughter in law told me. I would imagine as happy as he can be, I don’t think whoever he is with ever stopped him from doing what he wanted anyway for as long as he was able.

        They have been together for about 28 years. They moved out of our town fairly quickly, then both ran up a ton of gambling debts to the tune of over two hundred thousand dollars. Had to file bankruptcy. Lost their house. A couple years ago blew up his relationship with our son and wife. Sons wife has not spoken to them since. They were horrible to her. Son makes contact as needed with his dad.

        Now they are both is pretty bad health, he can barely walk a few feet before he is tired out. (major heart attack) Not sure what her issue is other than she has back pain and is on disability. (that is the only thing I feel sorry for them for) She was never skinny, but is hugely overweight now. I honestly don’t remember if he is still overweight or not. Weird. Last time I saw them was at granddaughters graduation. I have seen her pic a couple times on FB on my sons site. Ex does not do FB. They are living in a fixer upper trailer in Florida and spend most of their time in their old used RV. So hopefully living the dream. The health is unfortunate, the rest is all on them.

        • Wow. Thank you. That is a karma story for you.

          At first I read 28 years and had a heart attack thinking of my cheater and schmoopie being together that long. If they make it I feel like it validates their choices and confirms it was “all for the best,” as well as the fact that she is, indeed, better than me in every way, as he told her.

          However, these two clowns you have seem to pull each other down. What a story.

          • I am not really sure they pulled each other down, I do think they are both who they are and likely did “validate” each other. Or at least he did, her level was pretty much known before he ever came along.

            I feel so lucky to have gotten out of that marriage before he went down the gambling road. I would be devastated to have lost everything. He likely would have drained my retirement account too. It still makes me nervous to think of it.

            They don’t change. My ex went on to cheat on her several times per my daughter in law. Schmoopie likely just didn’t care as much as I did. She had her steady paycheck. He was not going to let schmoopie stop him from getting as much strange as he could, anymore than I stopped him. He was a police officer, and women just glom on to them. He just needed a home base, and she will do as well as me for that purpose.

            I hope you are divorced now. Get away from them, and let them have their fantasy. If it is all rainbows and unicorn farts, good for them. If not, also good for them.

            You have a better life ahead. Hopefully if you have kids, he won’t mistreat them down the road. But if so, again it is on them, not you. I still try to not say anything negative about him to my son, but he has confided in me, and on occasion asked for advice. I just try to be honest.

            Just like you never knew the real story when you were together, you don’t know it now and never will. He has an image to uphold. Some will buy it, many know better.

    • Lola Granola makes the key points.

      You didn’t do the emotional work of recovering from a divorce from a 30-year marriage, work which should include fixing your picker.

      You’ve only been No Contact 3 weeks, so regardless of the D-Day timing and the divorce, you are still in the early days here. It’s normal to want revenge, to want people to know what really happened, to expose the cheater for what he did to you.

      Write the letter. Put it with the evidence you have. And then put it away from 6 months, until you’ve gotten used to focusing on your own life, without allowing him access to you. Be serious about No Contact. In my view, the urge to stir up this sort of trouble, to get him fired, is just another way of keeping him in your life, even as an enemy.

      This isn’t the time for making any decisions about your X. You’re still emotionally tied up in his life. Get yourself clean and healthy emotionally first. Then you can make better decisions about whether you want to disturb the peace of YOUR life by contacting the Y. He’s not going to quit doing what he’s doing, so the chances of him getting caught again–and getting fired for it–are really pretty good. You might consider letting people find out about him the hard way.

      Meanwhile, face up to the fact that while you might be divorced legally, you aren’t yet separated emotionally. Get to work on that problem. You are, like me, in your 60s. You don’t have any more time to waste on this jackass than you already have.

  • I think its cruel but true, only fuckwits would enjoy your humiliation. He probably thinks he’s a prize catch. He promised her to be faithful, but not you. I have a mental promise to myself never have sex with a cheater. You are being used, my ex used to compare me and the ow. Who did he think he was.
    My ex still tells me he loves me, we have teenagers, I put the phone down on him.
    This is the man who did drugs, drank and watched sex shows with prostitutes,
    His ow, asked me to feel sorry for her.
    Do I feel sorry for her, fuck not, she picked him over her kids. She can fuck off.
    I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s on this website. She expects people to feel sorry for her.
    She lied about being abused in her childhood, I was abused, that is how fucked up some people are.

    • “He promised her he would be faithful…” What a load of crap. I’m sure he went to Schmoopie and told her ALL about the hugging/kissing another woman, even if it was his STBX. Pfft. Anything you feel uncomfortable telling your SO about is probably something you shouldn’t be doing.

      What is it with trainers? It seems that an inordinate amount of them cheat, but I could be generalizing. Is it the fixation on bodies?

      • Well trainers generally are not making much money, and they usually look good, so they take advantage of the lonely and loaded…

        • The older trainers can be retired law enforcement or fire fighters….they tend to gravitate toward that sort of thing and aren’t too worried about the money. Very true the pay is peanuts and far too many trainers are narcissist bums looking for rich clients.

      • I’ve seen the same thing with nurses. PLEASE, I don’t mean all nurses and I know many people, male and female friends who are one sort of nurse or another who are wonderful people!!
        Sadly though, I have been witness to so many situations where the OW is a nurse, including my parent’s and my own marriages. I mean, I’ve seen and heard of affairs with nurses ALOT! Maybe it’s the attraction to the “naughty nurse” fantasies so many men have. My ex worked full time as the Maintenance Manager of a nursing home and he also worked on our town’s volunteer fire Department. Whenever there was a get together that included spouses I felt like everyone there knew secrets that I didn’t. I felt so awkward and uncomfortable until I refused to go anymore. Years later a couple of the other Firefighter wives who actually spoke to me occasionally saw me at the grocery store and called me over. They both told me how glad for me they were that I finally got rid of the bastard. They filled me in on a few things I never knew and also told me that it’s a disgustingly common thing for firefighters and cops to hook up with the nurses they meet at the hospitals while on the job. I realize that it’s irrational but I still.have a hard time keeping my prejudices towards people in those careers in check. I’ve been working really hard on that. 😪

        • It hurts like hell doesn’t it?

          My ex was a police officer, his last schmoopie was his direct report. It was a mess. No doubt though he hooked up with many before her. She just was the one who had him by the short hairs. He was an idiot apparently.

          I don’t know about fire depts, but the infidelity rate among police officers is sky high. As high as 90 percent, depending on the source.

          • I understand firefighters have a reputation for cheating. I have a neighbor who had two married firefighters visit her during the day while her husband was at work.
            When her husbands or kids were home during the day I’d see her with them sitting in her car in the Wal-mart parking lot “talking.”

            Ex is an airline pilot, I don’t have to tell you what their reputations are like. It was a concern of mine before we married. I mentioned it to ex and of course, he wasn’t like that..
            Airline pilot employee magazines profiled a pilot a month, a professional family photo of the pilot with his family. Middle aged pilots, a noticeably much younger wife, in her 20’s (former flight attendant) an infant, toddler, and his children from a previous marriage the same age as the wife.

            Before I became a Chump I’d read these profiles and think there’s a story behind this union and wondered about the ex wife and what she just have gone through.
            Should have been a huge red flag for me but in my ignorance I beleived my ex would never cheat, he loved his family too much. I’m sure I wasn’t the first pilots wife to think that and also sure I’m not the last.

        • I feel the same way!! STBXW was D.O.N. and she hired her sparkle dick on as her Assistant D.O.N. They think they’re pretty special because they help people. I understand not all nurses are like them but I steer clear of nurses now.

  • I’m so sorry this has happened to you but he showed you who he was from the start .

    He lied to you and cheated on his ex with you ( although unknown to you at the time ) but then you found out the truth and you still went back to him even for training . He was still at the Y then but he was cheating then also .

    He told you he was glad you found out , take his word for it and stay far away from him .

    As for revenge there is no point , he’s never going to change this is not his first rodeo at the Y , hence how he met you and it probably won’t be his last .

    Please look after yourself ((( hugs )))

  • Lost,

    You have every reason to be angry, but for your own well-being I would recommend just walking away and going no-contact; particularly if your divorce is yet to be finalised. I am not saying that you should forgive or forget, rather (and I forget who first said it) that holding onto anger is like drinking poison and hoping that the other person dies; this is not healthy.

    Instead I would suggest that you channel your (justifiable) rage into something positive and work on the assumption that your Ex and his AP will do a far better job of f*cking their own lives up on their own behalves than you can ever hope for by getting involved.

      • This is from Quora: The quote has also been attributed to Pema Chodron, Nelson Mandela, Buddha, Anne Lamotte, Alice May, Debbie Ford, and Malachy McCourt, among others. But it probably came into common parlance in the 1930s with Emmet Fox and Alcoholics Anonymous. In fact, Carrie Fisher explicitly attributed AA when she said it. Ahh, history…

        “Holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die.”
        http://www.barrypopik.com/index.php/new_york_city/entry/resentment_is_like_drinking_poison

        • SNM and KG,

          Thanks. I almost added “before setting out for revenge, best you dig two graves” but thought better of it. Hopefully Lost gets the point that revenge would be a fruitless endeavour. She should trust that her Ex sucks and that her Ex and his AP don’t need her help to f*ck their lives up.

          Lost should keep her hands clean (if she reports him, the Ex will pass her off as the bitter Ex-Wife) and focus on herself.

        • The AA saying is, “Resentment is like pissing down your own leg ; You’re the only one that feels it”.

    • You also need to be careful for your safety. Taking away a man’s income as he is probably an older narcisisst/sociopath could be very dangerous. He didn’t financially devastate you, set you free and you want to tangle with him.?

      Your self interest is in your self preservation not meting out moral consequences.

    • Your last paragraph is so true. I know it happened with my own fuckwit and his schmoopie. I was afraid it wouldn’t, because in real time I wanted them to marry and I was so afraid that somehow he was going to get himself out of that entanglement. (she was his direct report on a police department).

      But, they did marry and went on to fuck their own lives up financially and personally destroying their relationship with my son and his family by their normal behavior. They can’t help it, they are who they are, and they found their own level.

      They have escaped to a new group of victims, but it is only a matter of time until they crap all over that.
      But, they can get in their RV and find a new group of folks to spin their stories to.

  • I am still struggling with the reporting question. I reported my loathsome cheating X and his AP shortly after the divorce and it resulted in her being kicked out of the military. 🙂 However, Cheater quit his job before he could be fired and has, essentially, suffered no consequences. He is currently a cleared contractor.

    During a period of social media lurking, I read a post he made on LinkedIn. He posted about the dangers of insider threats and how these people should be called out publicly. He linked a video that explains adverse information reporting. The tag line is, “There is no such thing as a tattle-tale.”. (You can’t make this stuff up!!)

    I have adverse information on him:facts on paper. He literally posted a template on how to turn him in! Is this a sign from the Universe or a trap?

    • Trap.
      No contact is for you. Stay away from them and focus on your one and only life to build. You are worth the investment of your time.

    • Hey Peaches,

      When “we” set someone free and don’t try to “control” someone’s punishment we allow the Universe to Slap them across the face. Because I can guarantee the day will come when the person’s character will be known by everyone. Then no one will want to be friends with them.

      • AJ, totally agree!
        My eX got exactly that – a huge slap in the face from all his close friends and entire 2 families.
        He went and married his schmoop and they went under-cover and didn’t want to socialize with anyone and isolated themselves to this day – and that was pre-Covid.

        Yeah – really enjoying his life now in his mid-60’s with a younger gal with grandkids.
        Together 24/7! hahahaha

  • I’m going to give you my straight-up opinion here: Don’t do it. What’s to gain here, that he gets fired? I promise you that won’t feel nearly as good as you think. “I want nothing more than for him to be fired”. Come on, you’ve answered your own question, it’s revenge. You think revenge will make you feel better, but it won’t. Stop making him central. No contact. Rock your new life. That’s the only path to feeling better

    • Right, the best revenge is letting them go, going NC, and living your best life without any existence of your ex-cheater. Even if he does get fired, it won’t change what he did, in fact it could create a whole new firestorm with him. It’s best to just move on with life.

      • I agree, Struggling and Alice –

        One thing I came out of my divorce with was the utmost integrity, dignity and morality in check.
        I never once slipped below any of those lines in the sand; whereas, he did it many time by stealing money and assets and just plain dishonesty. I never did anything under-handed.

        And, that’s what keeps my head up today.
        He’ll never be able to do the same thing.

  • Dear Lost,

    You are FOUND… you are a member of Chump Nation and if you keep coming back here you will see that you dodged a major bullet in so many ways: you lost one cheater fuckwit; you didn’t breed with a cheater fuckwit; you got your equity out of the house; you are FREE FROM ABUSE.

    There is nothing cheater freaks like more than TRIANGULATION… look it up… when he moved his schmoopie in to the primary image role, he needed to backfill the mistress role… and you took the bait.

    When Mr. Sparkles, my XH, first left… he texted me all the time… just like he used to when we were dating. He came for dinner many nights a week (we have a son and I raised two of his stepchildren that lived with us)… so basically, he had me cooking his meals and before the table was cleared he was dashing off to meet up with the OW. It took me a YEAR to really see him for who he IS… a bisexual lying whore. (The OW eventually dumped him when she found out he was cheating on her… and he had a new GF on the hook within weeks that he now lives with and shares a mortgage with… normal people don’t behave that way, plain and simple.)

    You need to go NO CONTACT. You have a chance to build a whole new life away from this dumpster fire. You are so blessed… don’t settle for less than you deserve and don’t be his kibble source anymore. You don’t need to “out him”… you need to walk away. There is a great scene in the Batman movie where Heath Ledger (as Joker) is dressed as a nurse and as he is walking away from a building it blows up behind him… try to visualize that for you (only you’re the sane one here!)

    Good luck… keep coming back.

  • Been there – done that – don’t bother -nobody cares these days. My cheater and homewrecker were high and mighty in the local Rotary club. I expose them to the president and said is this really the kind of people you want in your Rotary club ? and they didn’t care – I was just viewed as the discarded scorned wife.

    • Exactly, people don’t care if their employees cheat now days.

      My ex-in-laws are very high up in their church and are very well known in the community. When they found out their son cheated on me not just once but multiple times, they never held him accountable. They just blamed me and said I needed to get over it. This came from people who go to church 3 times a week and are VERY religious.

      It just goes to show no one cares if people cheat these days, not even super religious people.

      If Lost’s ex was getting complaints from women saying they were getting unwanted attention from him that’d be one thing but all these women choose him so no one is going to care.

      It’s best to go NC and move on.

  • Lost, you started your romantic and sexual relationship with your ex while he was your trainer and while he was still living with another woman. You knew he was a liar and a cheater BEFORE you married him.

    So unless you want to dredge up that sordid bit of your history for other people to comment upon and judge, I would let this revenge plan go and move on with your life.

    Take comfort in the fact that his current schmoopie will learn the same painful mistake that you did… only in her case it will be worse because she threw away a marriage and a friendship for him.

    • I saw into that too, Lost knew he was a cheater before she married him and also turned a blind eye like his employer does and went ahead with the marriage. It’s a hard lesson to learn to never get involved with a cheater when you know they are capable of cheating.

      I hope Lost can heal and go NC, it’s really the best medicine.

    • Does anyone understand that although naive and misguided, A LOT of women have fallen for the “but we’re not together” crap? Foolish, sure, but to call her a Schmoopie is a big assumption from y’all. Maybe she was a Schmoopie, and maybe all chumps who write here have some secrets, too. We don’t know that. Yet we dont treat other authors like you’ve done this one….I truly don’t get it

      • Never said Lost is a Schmoopie, just said she knew he was a cheater before she married him since she found out he was cheating on his girlfriend with her when he basically told her it was over between them but that was a lie.

        Lost did the right thing ending it at that point once she found out the truth. Still, she began to date him again once he was single knowing he had in fact cheated before.

        I don’t think lulu or I called Lost Schmoopie in our posts, just said she knew he was capable of being a cheater given their beginning. That’s just facts.

      • I never said she a willing OW (at least when she started sleeping with him) but if she persists in trying to destroy his career, it’s very likely that he or others will portray her that way. Besides, his company knows he’s a cheater and doesn’t care.

        And I do take issue with her referring to her ex as a predator because, as Chump Lady said, she wouldn’t have seen a problem with his behavior if he hadn’t cheated on her… even though she knew that he was a liar and a cheat before she married him, but thought she was the exception instead of the rule.

        Lastly, no I don’t think anyone over the age of 20 genuinely falls for “I live with my girlfriend/wife but we’re not together anymore.” Everyone I know who has been “fooled” all expressed doubts about the dubiousness of this claim or felt like it was fishy, but they chose to believe what they wanted to believe instead of what was likely true.

        I’m not saying this to beat up on Lost; regardless of how their relationship started, she’s a betrayed wife now. She needs to focus on her own healing and fixing her “people picker.”

    • Lost may have convinced herself Cheater wasn’t all bad because he wasn’t actually married to his girlfriend and he ended breaking up with her. Lots of women will justify dating and marrying someone that may have a partner at first but weren’t married. That thinking is a huge mistake and will end up backfiring. Someone being comfortable sneaking around and deceiving a girlfriend/boyfriend will have no problem doing the same to a married partner.

  • Reporting him is pointless. They know he has cheated. If it didn’t bother you before to report him for cheating when you were dating it’s not going to smell good to do it now.

    But you do you. I wouldn’t stick around to see the aftermath because I doubt there will be one.

    • I agree, his employer knows his pattern and they don’t care. The women he goes after choose him, they don’t submit complaints about his inappropriate behavior, thus why his employer turns a blind eye.

      He was cheating on Lost and his ex-girlfriend in the beginning of their relationship and Lost still married him. At this point I think Lost should drop the whole thing and start living her best life. This guy is a loser and deserves no more attention.

  • It is doubtful that you will get the response you want from the YMCA. You can still try if you want. But I have never, EVER succeeded in taking down the EX with people he knew. And I had evidence not only of cheating, but also of fraud. His church kept him on as a trustee when they knew that he had committed fraud and even stolen some money from the church!

    I can’t say WHY that is the case. I am still grasping for reasons. I think it has something to do with their own sense of their perceptions–that people don’t want to admit that they got duped by someone. It is uncomfortable for them. They prefer to just shrug it off as a vindictive ex-wife or whatever. The evidence rarely matters.

    I agree with others here though that you really need to focus on yourself. Yes, he cheated, and he’s scum. But you knew that when you married him. You were an unwitting OW in the beginning, discovered the lies, broke it off, but then later married him anyway! And I know the things you probably told yourself about how he was a nice guy just in a bad situation, and ending relationships is hard, and he just got confused…. I’ve told myself things like that about the EX. But I think part of healing is recognizing where we went wrong with our boundaries.

    We can’t go back in time and fix our mistakes. But we can learn from them. Get some therapy. Sort out your boundaries. It’s never too late to learn.

    • If somebody comittmentphobe a fraud or steals, you have to report them to the police (as well). You never know whom they are sharing stolen money with.

      • It seems that way, but I could never get law enforcement very interested. They basically said that anyone he stole from could press charges if they were interested. But he was stealing small amounts (less than $10,000) from each source, so most of them seemed to figure it wasn’t worth paying a lawyer to try to get it back, and besides, he didn’t have any substantial assets, so they couldn’t recover their money anyway.

        The criminal justice system is a mess. It is a lot more difficult than it should be to get someone arrested for a crime.

    • “His church kept him on as a trustee when they knew that he had committed fraud and even stolen some money from the church!”

      They’re all about second, third, fourth, etc. chances and most likely because they know if the fire him for cause they are going to look foolish.

      Religious institutions are as much about image management as any cheater. Maybe more so.

  • I wouldn’t say a single thing to the YMCA. Sure, he uses his career/position to hunt and hit on women and that’s 100% wrong but at the end of the day these women he finds and conquers in a sense (ya know because this current one left her husband for him) are choosing to be with him, that includes you since you fell for him as well at one point. I’m sure his ex-girlfriend he was with while trying to conquer you was feeling exactly how you feel now when he replaced her with you. In fact, he probably has a long line of women he’s done this to.

    Now to my point, it’s clear he becomes a couple with who he trains at work. His employer would have to be blind to not see the pattern. His employer totally knows he’s like this, and they turn a blind eye. Why you ask? It’s obvious, because every woman he gets success with “chooses him”. If they were getting complaints about him being inappropriate that would be one thing but that’s not the case here.

    My last point, if you report him not only do I think it won’t do anything (because again they know his pattern and clearly don’t care) it will just show him that you are still hurting and trying to hurt him back. I think NC is the best thing you can do for you at this point. He’s a pig who does not deserve anymore of your time or energy.

    I do have the same question some others have posed here, does her ex-husband know the real reason why their marriage ended?

    Perhaps you could reach out to him and give him this information. It might give him some clarity if he’s been gaslighted by her. I’m not saying to do this as revenge but to provide him some insight that he probably has no clue about. If I were him, I’d want to know but that’s just me.

    Also, CL is right, he’s probably already interviewing his next conquest and his new flavor of the week will live with a lot of regret for blowing up her marriage for a pig.

  • Lost, I agree with what CL says.

    But I would do as CL suggests if you decide to blow the whistle. Collect all the evidence, give it to them, *then walk away*. As CL says, you don’t control what they choose to do with it.

    I say this because I strongly think cheaters and their whores *should* be outed, it’s the only way to change the narrative on cheating, it’s *abuse*, and it needs to have *consequences*. So I don’t think your motive for doing it, revenge, matters in that context.

    If it was me, I’d *definitely* do it, but then I would walk away, and start doing me.

    Sweety, as CL says, start work on fixing your picker. You *knew* that piece of shite was an arse. Don’t accept that kind of shit from *anyone*. xx

    • If Lost chooses to tell the Y, this is the way to go.

      It needs to be done in a very rational detached way.

      People here know I’m on record as in favor of telling (for those who don’t know my story, I was a long distance schmoopie candidate who after seeing to my own healing for a few months post cheater’s cruel delayed disclosure of his true marital status, decided from a much more detached place to let the cheater’s still Missus know what her serial cheater Broken Toy was still up to, that Broken Toy’s Baby Mama & others weren’t the end of Broken Toy’s damage done to his marriage & the family he made).

      I have had nothing to do with them for ages & seen to my own further healing (like why was I vulnerable to this then, am I still vulnerable to it now, etc).

      It’s wise to write this all out, the chronological history of the relationship, then sit on it for a significant period of time & focus on your own healing. Come back to it when it’s months old (days or a few weeks are way too soon), when you’re not ruminating (can happen for some time right after things collapse, if it keeps going, you need more help, when you’ve done solid research into why this happens & when you’ve gotten help from competent experts (via books, videos, courses & some one on one work with a competent therapist or helper, someone who is focused on you & not on ‘reconciliation’)

    • I agree with the points chumpnomore6 has made along with CL of course.

      In my situation, I felt a strong responsibility to report the OW, who was a friend of 3 years, who was also married with 3 children, a former employee of my ex, and then a rep for an international company (my ex was then a client of hers). This company had their code of ethics posted on the internet, along with an independent company to report anonymously to protect people from any backlash for reporting.

      The OW was investigated, admitted the affair (stupidly, because my ex kept saying “we live in a no-fault state”, so she believed she was immune from repercussions?), and was given the option to resign, or be fired. She quit.
      I didn’t even know anything had become of my submitting my packet of evidence until a year later when I was being accused of getting the OW fired. I was called bitter and spiteful by everyone. Somehow her job was more sanctimonious then both of our marriages, lives and families. That was difficult as it was not what they did, but my reaction and actions, and their subsequent repercussions.

      I only admitted it to my attorney at the time, they had no proof it was me, and I have no idea how much other evidence was gathered in the companies investigation. (She was also a drug user and I included that information as well as it was a patient safety issue.)

      With all of that said, I’m still glad I reported what I knew. What they did with the information was up to the company, but I had done what I felt morally compelled to do. I admit that my thoughts were she can’t just shit on everyone and everything and go sailing off into the sunset making 6 figures (with my ex’s substantial income added into their household) while I starve and struggle with having given up my career and not working to be a SAHM like my ex insisted on. (I was the one who got her the job in my ex’s office to begin with. Helped her get an awesome job……because she was my friend. Ugh)

      I also told her husband (we were also couple friends), he confronted her, she denied it all, then I was attacked by him, her, my stbx, saying I was hurting the kids and others with my “false allegations”. That was hard too, but in the end her husband found out the truth and they divorced, he apologized to me, but it was a year later. Still, I would do it again. It’s not my job to keep their dirty nasty secrets. Tell the truth and walk away, but there probably will be some backlash of some kind at sometime.

      Waiting until after the divorce is sound advice as all of this flamed my ex’s constant rage, but it took us THREE long years to divorce. That would have been too long for the OW’s husband to live in a cesspool of lies.

      We all have to do what our soul tells us is the right thing, but we also have the responsibility to think it through, understand our motives, and take responsibility for what our actions might do.

      • “I was called bitter and spiteful by everyone.” Other than the cheaters, I cannot imagine any sane, decent person calling you spiteful. Not that I don’t believe you it’s just mind boggling how people can look the other way at depraved behavior but get on their high horse about a person doing the right thing but someone (guilty party) suffered the consequences. Anyone that took issue should be written off they are garbage. I say good for you!

  • Reporting him is an indirect way of still being entangled. Until you go hardcore no contact, you will never fully detox. It’s as painful as withdrawing from an actual drug (getting off hopium). But we’re all doing it & you can too. Big hugs & good luck.

  • Lost I am so sorry that this is your experience. It sounds like you left a 30 year marriage and hopped into a relationship with this abusive person (rebound?). You were with him for nine years. I wonder if it’s time for you to just recover and spend some time taking care of yourself and get away from the Y. Going from one Long term relationship to another that is a betrayal is a soul crushing experience. Hugs to you.

    • I understand that it can take at least a year or possibly longer to emotionally & psychologically recover from a divorce (for whatever reason(s) the marriage ended).

      Competent therapists & even dating coaches advise people who are legally & morally single & free to date & have relationships advise them to give people who have been divorced for less than a year (up to less than 3 years if the advice is conservative) since its finalization a pass. Why? Who really knows if they are healed enough to have a good mature & lasting committed relationship. This hard & fast rule protects everyone.

      Not saying the cheater isn’t awful here (he is), just saying this might be a pattern that a competent individual-focused therapist could potentially be helpful is sussing out & changing for the better.

  • And as Alice says, I think you should tell the OW’s husband, he’s the one who *really* needs to know.

    • Second this, the other woman’s husband’s physical health at a minimum is at a risk (who knows if they are having protected sex & even if they are STIs &/or unplanned pregnancies happen even if & when people take precautions).

      I’m creeped out by the idea that trainers in a ‘Christian’ gym pick up sex partners / commit adultery there, but that’s our larger culture’s hypocrisy & why there’s a #MeToo movement.

      • His schmoopie divorced her husband and it was finalized in Feb 2020, so there is no risk from him. I suggested Lost tell her ex-husband because he probably never knew the REAL reason why their marriage ended & I feel he should know.

        His now ex-wife divorced him with the assumption that she’s still this great person who just fell out of love with him when that’s not the case, she cheated.

        • What if the ex husband of the affair partner got an unexplained STI or is providing child support to a child that might not be his?

          This is why it’s okay to tell AP’s ex-husband, there may be legal consequences of which he is unaware & has a right to know & deal with in an *informed* way. If he knew before the divorce & the settlements etc reflect that, good. Lost can’t know this for sure without talking to AP’s ex-husband.

          The consequences of cheating potentially touch *a lot* of lives & there’s potentially a lot of damage to be repaired.

  • Look at the bright side. You have no kids with this creep. That puts you in the position of having the choice going away and rebuilding a better life elsewhere. Seems you were a victim of a serial womaniser and they exist in droves, so excuse yourself for not seeing it when he dumped another woman for you.

    I can say from experience that attempting revenge of any kind will end up biting you in the arse and making you look petty. It just drains your energy, makes you hyper and perpetuates the pain for you. Let them rot in their own filth. They will dig their own graves.

    Who cares about whether they are violating some organisation’s morals! Look at all the horrible stuff that’s been done in the name of religion around the world. What you will find if you choose to present ‘all the evidence’ is that it just makes folks uncomfortable. No one is going to publicly condemn them or send them to the gallows. You will be labelled as a woman scorned. Yes, sexist as hell but that’s what people still say.

    The urge for revenge is visceral, but the true schadenfreude is hearing a few years later that they didn’t come to a good end, because they won’t.

    The first while will be hard, but force yourself to ignore their social media, get yourself geographically away from there, and look for a new life.
    I guarantee in a few years you might actually forget their names. I sat the other night and tried to remember details of my cheater’s shenanigans and honestly had a hard time remembering. That all came down about 7 years ago, so there’s a goalpost to aim for.

  • I think all I gathered from this is don’t join that local YMCA. That place sounds like a massive #MeToo / sexual harassment (or worse) lawsuit waiting to happen (with a cheater CEO & an enabling board of directors). It’s definitely *not* a place for anyone to improve their health, physical, mental, emotional or spiritual.

    Also if you’re going to drop a truth bomb, it needs to be for a chump’s healing, not for revenge / vengeance. Ask your trusted friends & family about doing this, see what they think your motive(s) are as well as how they will be seen. They probably have a better perspective on you than what random people on the internet do.

    I am certain there’s resentment from being cheated upon and/or lied to here of which you will need to let go, but are you sure you can you let those feelings go after you tell the people the cheater works with or for (or current sex/romantic partners)?

    Are you going to feel better, lighter, move on to other things for your individual healing or are you going to keep ruminating without help (from a professional, preferably someone who understands betrayal trauma & PTSD / C-PTSD & how to recover from those, maybe also some cognitive behavior therapy & grief therapy) or worse get sucked into this as an ongoing psychological & emotional war (which will only make things worse & prolong your awfulness)?

    And you might consider whether hanging onto the evidence for a down the road possible #MeToo scandal / sexual harassment (or worse) lawsuit vs just moving on.

    I wish I could answer this for you, but you need to deeply search your own feelings & your own motivations, preferably with qualified help & trusted support Lost. Then & only then will you act in your own best interests.

  • The only way the Y will care about your ex’s behavior is if your ex’s predatory practices expose them to a lawsuit in some way. So IF you decide to go ahead, you should make very clear to yourself ahead of time what you want to accomplish and present the evidence in a way that the Y would care about it. Sexual harassment and nepotism, anyone?

    The way I see it, the Y opens itself to a lawsuit when:

    an employee (the trainer, your ex), sexually harasses a patron by suggesting a sexual relationship. Someday he might do this to someone who reports him, or sues. (Obviously, he did it to you, but as you then married him, I doubt you can sue in retrospect.)

    the Director, currently your ex, uses his position to appoint his sexual partner. This will probably only matter if the Y’s bylaws have language forbidding it.

    • Agreed, they won’t care until someone reports him for unwanted sexual advances. At this point, he hasn’t harassed anyone because all the women he goes after, end up picking him. I mean, Lost went on to marry him and this new woman divorced her husband for him.

      None of that is sexual harassment when the women are choosing him back.

      I do agree though, someday he will pick the wrong one and then shit will hit the fan!

      • I agree up to a point, but if Lost gives them the evidence *now*, it will be there when this creep finally does get done for sexual harassment.

        Eventually this shit bag *will* pick the wrong woman, no question, and they won’t be able to say they didn’t know, and had no evidence of his past behaviour.

        • Exactly, any half decent attorney will tell you over time evidence disappears, memories fade.

          But in the meantime how many women who just want to go work out at that Y have to be subjected to this kind of BS from a ‘Christian’ gym?

          This is exactly the point of a #MeToo movement, to put an end to a sexually coercive & hypocritical culture.

  • I think she should report him when it safe for her to do so. Why? Because as a member, I wouldn’t want to be paying dues to organization that allows this from their CEO. The behavior of the leader, good or bad, permeates the culture of the organization. The result of leader with poor character is more personal trainings getting too personal with clients- making them feel uncomfortable, front desk people copping attitudes with members, life guards socializing instead of paying attention to children in the pool, and so on. I saw first hand at my club (not a YMCA) and I ended up switching to a different club with better culture.

  • Here is cynical me. This is all about love. The love of money. He is not giving her up until she runs out of money. That’s who you are married to. Charming. Get a divorce and don’t look in your review mirror.

  • Lost,

    Your letter to Chumplady clearly indicates that you are divorced.

    “Since we had no children together and only had our home owned jointly, our divorce was final 60 days after he filed…. even with COVID-19. He gave me half of the equity of our home and I moved out, leaving him and our 2 dogs and 2 cats.”

    Okay. So, get on with your life. Don’t go back to that gym, find a new gym, a decent therapist – try to get in touch with yourself, and stop hovering over this idiot’s existence.. You have zero reason to see this guy again. If you cause a “dust up” at the Y for his affair with his AP, this only makes you look crazy. Why? Because you are divorced, and the Y knows something about his behavior, and they didn’t want to do anything meaningful about it. It’s called, willful ignorance. If you have a legal duty to report something, by all means call the authorities. But, this is not in that category.

    The troubling part to me, is that you still have equity in the house? What the heck. You are divorced with no children. Given that this man does not have your back in the least, why on earth are you partners with him on the real estate? I’m not your attorney, of course. But, if you still have loose ends with the house – let your lawyer handle it. It will be the best money you ever spent on your sanity.

    Lost, you sound a little dependent on this relationship, and yet it is all kinds of unhealthy. It is over. He will meet his destiny without you steering his ship. Let go of the controls concerning his life, he’ll drive his own ship into an iceberg without your help. Disconnect from his life. Spend all of that mental energy on yourself, family who love and care for you. Focus on the future. Good luck, Lost.

  • Lost,
    Give the YMCA all of the evidence that he has been lying. Make a couple of copies and give it to the two higher ups. After you do it don’t expect anything. He will continue to lie and they might believe him. Don’t worry about what anyone else thinks.

    • Right, because likely over time more women and witnesses with their own stories about this lothario will be reported. Her contribution will be the kindling that eventually turns into a raging fire. It seems in these cases there needs to be more than one or two victims (Weinstein, for example).

      • Go above this particular Y and report to their superiors. Obviously this particular Y is corrupt. Those who oversee all the Y branches do not want the name of their organization sullied. Have an attorney present it to them.

        • Agreed.

          Honestly, I think I would even run it by my lawyer before I did anything, lawyer will know the way to expose it while protecting herself. It appears she did know about it, how that plays out in court I don’t know.

          • Her lawyer will advise against it. I don’t think I’ve ever heard of a lawyer saying “go for it” when it comes to retaliation. Err on the side of caution is usually the mantra. She could ask what the worse case scenario would be if she does decide to submit her “findings”.

  • Your ex is quite the loverboy. Let me guess. You are or were financially comfy. And he’s a personal trainer. Now the new women prob got her share from her ex – then he sets her up in a good job (oh and don’t think I’m not suspicious that it’s a job in charge of money – the potential for embezzlement is ripe And if she steals for him, she would take the fall ). Lover boy knows exactly how to arrange his stepping stones. Hon, you’ve dodged a bullet. Don’t bother with revenge. You’re dealing with a pro and this could go lethal if you fuck with his money. Run. Be free of this evil. You’ve escaped. Change your number. Move again. Don’t look back.

  • Lost, another thing please tell her ex husband and provide proof to him. It seems he doesn’t know the real reason and he deserves to know the truth.

  • I have mixed feelings…Generally I agree with CL that you should put energy in healing, focus on yourself and leave it behind…
    BUT
    On the other hand – we get to the situation that nobody involves in anything…Children beaten by its parents? None of my business…Dog dying on the street – not my dog…I know the examples sound exaggerated but if we don’t expose evil – evil will continue…
    I think I would report and then leave it behind.

    • @free_soon, you bring home some excellent points. At the very least telling them his relationships form from clients he has through the business and that he could potentially become a liability for them? It could get him demoted or banned from training people.

    • So true! We have been programmed to not get involved and there are even ramifications if we do…screw it get involved and expose corruption and depravity.

  • If I had children enrolled in that Y I’d want to know about abuse of position, sexual misconduct and abuse of authority like that.

    Experience is a bitter teacher as they say. Here’s mine: Several years ago my then very tiny middle child was physically injured by an abusive TA in a suburban school with a long history of sleazy, cheatery scandals involving staff. I only learned about the sleazy history later.

    My son got off easy as it turned out. When my attempts to report the abuse were stonewalled by the system and I pulled all three kids out, a much bigger scandal exploded. It turned out the school had harbored a little nest of child sexual abusers on staff for years. The two who were reported weren’t the only ones.

    And no bloody wonder. Even middling cheaters and sleazebags with authority naturally hire and protect the employment of those who would be more prone to keep dirty secrets. Sleazy authority and their dirty-secret-keepers are also likely to chase out any potential whistleblowers who could or would protect kids. In turn those useful dirty-secret-keepers could also be harboring even uglier MOs.

    That’s exactly what happened at that school. NO ONE plays politics harder than institutional pervs.

    I always wondered if my son and quite a few other (as it happened) student victims could have been spared the trauma and if the larger horror could have been avoided if one of the lesser scandals had rocked that community years earlier. It reminds me of the old rhyme:

    “For want of a nail the shoe was lost.
    For want of a shoe the horse was lost.
    For want of a horse the rider was lost.
    For want of a rider the battle was lost.
    For want of a battle the kingdom was lost.
    And all for the want of a horseshoe nail.”

    So as far as I’m concerned, it’s better to be the nail. I would consider sending the creepy emails to the national parent organization to bypass local politics. The national org might weigh how news like that would look if a bigger Penn State type situation emerged later and would also weigh the likelihood that greater awfulness can lurk where lesser evil lounges.

    If you feel like your position is too subjective to report this personally, try approaching a group of parents who have their children enrolled in that Y and tell them what you know. See if they think the scandal is something that requires consequences and correction.

    Either way, when and if things blow up bigger later, it’s on whomever didn’t take action since you’ll have done your bit.

  • I think I’m a little out of step with most folks here on the “revenge” issue

    which is totally fine…always good to read opposing views to sharpen one’s thinking

    I guess I’ve just never understood the where & how the line

    between “consequences” and “revenge” is drawn

    by whom and how and who decides

    esp. when ALL cheaters ALWAYS characterize ALL consequences as “revenge”

    a Chump telling their family about the Cheater?…

    …Vicious, bloodthirsty revenge!

    a Chump retaining counsel to deal with years of financial dishonesty?…

    …rageful anger getting revenge-y!

    a Chump gently pointing out, in a calm tone of voice, that THEY never violated the marital vows that specifically prohibited this kind of dishonest behavior?

    ….surely not since the Old Testament has humanity seen such unslakable desire for revenge-inating!

    i prefer to think of it as “Reciprocal Consequence”

    and it’s just part of life for all of us here at CN who choose to control our behaviors

    example:

    were i to walk up to a Random Stranger and punch them as hard as i could,

    ausing injuries that could take years to heal

    who would describe them as “vengeful” or “someone who needs to get over it” when they hit me back?

    now all this comes with a serious caveat:

    while i believe there’s nothing really wrong with delivering maximum Reciprocal Consequence if you feel like it

    (as long as that consequence is ethically-considered and delivered legally)

    you need to be mindful that spending a lot of time planning that revenge could be counter-productive, in that it can take your time & energy away from other activities

    but if you can crush lives, jobs and narc dreams with a single phone call, have at it…

    remember, they knew damn well the consequences of being exposed, that’s why the lied like hell to avoid them

    nothing wrong with simply being the messenger of news they wrote themselves

    • SO FUNNY! “Revenge-ingating!” It’s so true. I just have to keep reminding myself that STBXH is absolutely delusional and that everything goes through his narc-impression management- demented- filter that always tells him that he is right in every situation. Which is to say that he is hating his current “Reciprocal Consequences.”

      • Yeah, it’s an odd one

        REVENGE: the thing that everyone is told to avoid but no one can define

        Were I to break dozens of rules at my job to misappropriate funds for years on end…

        …I could jump up and down saying “they just want REVENGE on me”

        But pretty much everyone ELSE inside & outside the situation would be saying “dude got fired for
        embezzling shit…for years, apparently!”

        And I would be laughed at for calling it REVENGE

        Which appears to be their blanket term from their 5 year old Emotional Operating System for anyone daring to deliver reciprocal consequences

        Stay mighty!!

  • Having had a little time to think about this I do think Lost should hand over all the evidence to the Y – probably by email actually so she has proof she has done so. Her ex is now CEO and got schmoopie the position of Secretary/Treasurer of the Board. Where I worked, even assuming they hadn’t had an affair, that would have been an absolute no-no. One of them would have been moved. You could not have 2 people living/working together and in a position of trust like that. Hell, it’s like having one being Director of Finances and the other Director of Procurement. Like someone further upthread said, who knows what the hell they will/can get up to financially in that position!

    • Good perspective here, there is also the favoritism narrative too that I didn’t think of before. She got the position at work due to him, that’s favoritism and unethical in business when an affair is taking place.

    • Good points on his getting her a job. Holy conflict of interest. My ex petitioned the city counsel for a raise for his direct report, whom he was fucking and had been for at least two years. He is lucky he didn’t get fired. The counsel members wanted him fired. They all said they didn’t know he was carrying on with her. I know this because one of the counsel members was a friend and he and his wife came to my house to make sure I knew he didn’t know it was going on. I believe him, as I knew them pretty well. I am pretty sure lots of police officers knew, but they pretty much have a “code” of silence on this kind of crap.

      He did get demoted, and lost his cushy office job, put back out on patrol. She got moved from her job as dog catcher, to dispatcher. (no raise for her) Within a few months she screwed up on the dispatcher job, and she was gone. I don’t remember if they fired her, or made a deal and she resigned. Not long after that she got disability. I only know this because my best friend was a dispatcher. And since she (my friend) had only been on the job a few weeks before this happened, I am pretty sure she was being honest. She said most of the folks hated schmoopie, and had long before they were outed.

      And yes, if anyone who was in that town at the time reads this they will know exactly who I am talking about. I don’t care. They all know the truth.

  • Sounds like you are like the latest recently divorced schmoopie who got bamboozled by serial cheater X.
    She seems like a nice lady. Early 60’s. She’s already paying for presents for the kids. She moved into my house, the divorce was pending still and my wedding picture on the wall. I discovered this on mother’s day three days before the divorce. Took me about an hour to recover. Says a lot about her.
    What kind of nitwit spackles over these red flags? A chump of course.
    Pick yourself and your dignity off the floor and get fuckwit free. Telling on him? Have a talk with yourself.

  • I did tell the OW’s former husband – he had no idea but as a friend I thought he had the right to know. We have communicated a lot over the past months. Thank you Chump Lady and everyone for your comments and insight….it would clearly be revenge and I am moving past that. I know my life is much better today than all my past days with my cheating ex. Our divorce is final and I’ve blocked all contact with him. I understand I have a problem with boundaries and am working on that with therapy. Working on me.

    • I’m very sorry that your friend betrayed you too. That’s like twisting a knife that was already dipped in picric acid.

    • Lost, glad you were able to inform her ex-husband. I’m sure he really appreciated having that information. It’s awful you two had to bond over something like that but at least you had each other to communicate about it. It’s an odd comfort but still comfort I think.

      You are both better off without those cheating spouses! She will regret what she’s done because she won a pig for her prize and he will continue to live life unfulfilled by looking for new partners to fill his void that can never be filled.

      We are all here to support you!

    • Great call Lost…you realizing this is a MAJOR step toward becoming your most mighty self. Best of luck on your journey.

      I too fantasized revenge against my ex…and I had some ironclad shit too that showed major abuses of power and what not, but, like you, I realized it for what it was…revenge. Was I righteous? Sure. Did that matter to my personal growth? Nope. Was I going to save someone or a worthy organization by disclosing what I knew? Not really. These are all adult actors behaving poorly or negligently or with willful blinders on, not some child that needs help or whatever…fuck em.

  • Lost, as HellofaChump says, I would send all your evidence to the “national* org, and then forget it and work on you.

    At least then you will know you’ve done what you could to protect the innocent. Xx

  • Lots of gray areas here but I agree with CL that your motivation matters alot, from a moral and ethical perspective. If you believe that he and his current shmoopie are putting the organization at risk in some way and you feel morally compelled to attempt to protect the YMCA, then perhaps proceed and address it from that angle. Not that they did something procedurally wrong, but that they are creating ongoing risk for the YMCA.

    No matter, in all likelihood the powers that be at YMCA will read your email and evidence, talk to your ex about it briefly, chuckle, then move on. Your time is better spent unraveling your issues and working on boundaries and personal decisions. At the end of the day, you started your marriage knowing that your ex was a cheater…that would be the stuff you should be spending time on. Anything that doesn’t progress your personal journey toward mightiness should be ignored or placed on the back burner.

    Also, keep in mind the retaliation factor. Even if your complaint garners him no consequences, what are the odds that he gets so pissed that he starts his own campaign against you? And why risk that when you’re trying to heal?

    And, not for nothing, but he’s not acting predatorial by any definition of the word–he’s just acting like an opportunistic asshole. You and his current shmoopie aren’t underage girls that he was grooming, you are grown women who were aware of his cheating in some form or another prior to solidifying your relationships with him. There’s no law against that, it just sucks. He sucks. So, get away and don’t look back.

  • Lost-

    You have no control how the powers that be at YMCA use or do not use this information. Generally speaking there seems to be a lot of apathy when it comes to how people feel about infidelity. I guess I would ask myself how telling the YMCA affects you and if it generally will help anyone by doing it. If it doesn’t help anyone, it’s probably for the wrong reasons.

    The only person I told was the OW’s now ex husband. I waited until my divorce was final and I printed the emails I found on dday and sent them to him anonymously. I felt tremendous guilt for not telling him while my ex and I went through faux wreckconciliation for three years. I had information that he didn’t have about his life and I didn’t give it to him. It felt right giving him the information before he went through his own divorce. I didn’t leave him any contact information information so I ultimately don’t know what he did. I can only hope it was helpful for him; otherwise not my circus or my monkeys.

  • I’m not going to comment other than to say that I can’t help but feel this chump was too much of a schmoopie For me to be comfortable with this letter here.

  • I did give the information to the OW ex husband as he is a friend, but am not pursuing anything with the Y in regard to my cheating ex.

  • If you are a person who considers the needs and rights of others, if you have empathy, if you have a personal code of conduct, and try to live an authentic life — in my opinion, you are different from the mass of humanity, and you will be disappointed and dismayed often in your life. We do not live in a world that is fair, or equal. No matter what our legal “rights” are, or what the published “code of conduct” is for an organization, it is rare that justice, or karma happens. It is discouraging.

    If we try to do the right thing, according to our code, and we end up being deceived by someone who follows the code of “do what I want to when I want to” we feel some vengeful angel should fly down and wreak justice on the person who deceived us. It would be great if that happened. But don’t hold your breath waiting.

    I hold some people to higher standards than others. Not fair, not equal. OK, but that is my standard. If you are a caretaker for a child, an elderly person, a patient who is ill, someone who seeks spiritual guidance — in my book you have a higher duty. If you take the job, don’t do it with the intent to hurt or defraud the person you are supposed to care for. These folks do not have the capacity to take care of themselves, they are not fair game. In my opinion, crimes against them are of a higher order than someone who steals material goods, or engages in white collar crime. I may despise those folks, too, but not as much. Chumps have trusted too much, believed in dreams that will never come true, have been put at risk personally, with their mental and physical health, and usually financially. It is a crime, a moral crime, but usually there is no just compensation. We recover and move on. We learn hard lessons. We are bowed, but not broken.

    Seeking revenge is not a good idea, because there is no good ending to that mission. Usually, you will not have the outcome you seek, and you may be destroyed in the process. It pulls you into the mindset of those who hurt you, but they will never have your feelings, or depth of emotion. They have to live with who they are, and they will ever see themselves as others see them. Most organizations would rather sweep any bad action under the rug, and pretend it never happened, rather than acknowledge it and try to offer any compensation. Just look at how long the great wrongs of discrimination and inequality have existed in the world — and we still cannot eradicate these problems.

    Concentrate on what you can do, treat others the way you want to be treated. Live a good life, look to your future. You cannot change the past, and you will only prolong your pain if you try to be a vengeful angel. The popular quote is “Living well is the best revenge.” Take care of yourself, and those entrusted to your care, that is the most positive use of your time and abilities. Let go of the rest.

  • Revenge is never the answer. Never.
    No contact and living your life completely free of this loser is the answer. Do not continue to involve yourself in his business.

    I work at a YMCA. It is a charity, not a church. And a business. Although the nepotism here seems bad, many companies don’t care.

    Enjoy your single life!

    • I feel this chumps pain. Wanting revenge is a natural feeling when at first in the anger stage. She thought he was ending a girlfriend relationship when she first met him- so maybe clumpier than some but most of us had red flags and ignored at first. I commend her for considering, asking chump nation and then deciding not to report but to inform the other chump. The learning curve may be more difficult after age 50 and 60. Ask me how I know. But I have found and therefore believe in a new great life at any age.

  • Over the years I have learned that revenge diminishes us and doesn’t provide the satisfaction we crave. Going no contact and living your best life is truly the best revenge. Without any actions by me, I have been astonished at how karma eventually catches up with cheaters and their partners in crime. My XH, AP1 & AP2 have ALL had things happen to them that I could never had wished on them in my wildest imagination of revenge fantasies. I don’t take any satisfaction about seeing them have to deal with the hand life dealt them. I just think “you reap what you sow” and I focus on my own garden. I model for my own adult children and I earn their respect. I sleep well at night, knowing that I took the high road.

    But I do understand Lost’s overwhelming feelings, especially her anger at herself for not heeding the red flags, and feeling complicit in her own betrayal. We all have been in denial. In my sixties now, after a long marriage, I understand Lost’s fears about being alone, and the need to fix her picker. Good luck to all of us! We deserve some good karma coming our way!

    • I loved this reply! And for me, there is a difference between karma and revenge and while I might fantasize quite often about revenge, it is karma I really look forward to. Well, peace actually, followed closely by karma.

  • Lost. You lost the pick me dance. The key advice CL gave is this…
    “Chumps do not let cheaters back into their lives…Hopium addicts do”.

    My withdrawal from hopium lasted beyond my 10 month divorce. Two to Five years are required for recovery, but we never recover our innocence.
    That gets stolen. Then replaced with something more useful. Wisdom.

    If my math is correct you’re 63 and divorced late April/ early May this year. Congratulations on three weeks NC. We do this thing One day At a time. Keep up the great work. For you.

    There’s a lot of empaths here. I’m one. We live to serve others because- in the end that’s what makes us happy. A lifelong journey without anticipated rewards. I was raised and taught to do this. In itself I realize my self worth at 60.

    Lost will find herself again just as many here have done, are doing and will do. This is the natural way of things born of our pain as the price of admission. Give time time. (((Hugz)))

  • Since when is it okay to bash victims around here..?
    Like this is the first betrayed (=abused) spouse who has more than one D-Day..?

    Why all the hate on this one…??

  • My heart breaks for the author of this sad story. The terrible things said to her, the way she clung onto the relationship with him as he was clearly using her as a Plan B is all heartbreaking and was a gut punch, especially about the wedding vows. I heard something similar from my wife after DDay #2 as I was feverishly trying to hold onto my marriage and be loved by someone who clearly did not care. I know the pain of hearing those words, I still feel them to this day and I know how the pain brings you to your knees of emotional agony. For anyone that has gone thru multiple DDay’s, the first time is horrific but the subsequent ones are catastrophic to your mental and emotional well-being and causes so much disorientation it’s almost hard to comprehend the things you are hearing, the pain the spouse is unleashing on you and the relentless tsunami of emotions that overcome you.
    I hope she finds strength to pick herself up, put down the anger she feels, not towards him but herself and move onto a path of recovery that he is not part of in any capacity.

    • I think the worst for me was sitting in the dining room, looking out the window and watching my husband of 20 years come in at five in the am after spending the night with his lover. Walked right past me, didn’t say a word. It was the most agonizing time of my life. Honestly, I am not sure how a homicide didn’t happen. I think I was in so much shock. I just sat there.

      I prayed and prayed for Gods help. And God was helping me by revealing to me who my husband really was. It took about a month (after Dday) for me to get it.

      • Isn’t it astonishing, the things they will do right in front of your face? Then the next day act like nothing happened, and why are you being so hostile?
        They have the power to justify what they did. It’s nuts.

  • I told cheater pants’ boss’ wife of his affair with an employee of a company his employer works for. I did not do it out of revenge although it may look that way. I had been a faithful participant of his work related social gatherings for 20 years and got to know many nice people.

    I was not about to disappear and let asswipe write the narrative as to what happened to our marriage. When I told the boss’ wife she was so kind and sympathetic. She said she wanted to just slap him and that he must have some kind of mental problems because he always bragged about me to fellow employees and she saw how much he loved me.

    I spoke the truth and I am content with the fact that people that I have come to know and care about know the truth about him and the manner in which he destroyed our marriage.

  • Don’t be a homophobic jerk. There is nothing wrong with being gay or bi – there is plenty wrong with being a CHEATER.

  • Lost – I realize this is a day late but I hope you are reading the comments. I had a situation similar to yours. My ex was on the board of directors of a local children’s charity. At the height of his affair with the howorker he decided he wanted to take me to their biggest event of the year a holiday gala (most certainly as a means of image management). Anyway, he told the CEO, a woman, that he wanted to take me but we were too broke to cover the cost of the tickets – she of course comped him tickets and we went. After dday (just a couple of weeks later) I was going through credit card statements and I saw that he took schmoopie to a hotel the same day as the gala and it actually cost more than the tickets. I stewed on this for probably a couple of months – it was completely infuriating and humiliating that he treated me like a charity case but treated schmoopie to sex in a rented room with our family money. I eventually called the CEO and told her the story. She told him and he of course manipulated his was out of any appearance of wrongdoing and used the story to further his narrative that I was crazy. He did not miss the opportunity to rub it in my face with glee afterwards. We need to always remember, we are dealing with master manipulators – the people who believe their stories are invested in believing they are true regardless of all evidence to the contrary. Save yourself the humiliation and don’t contact the Y. As others have said, use your energy on yourself you deserve it. ((Hugs))

    • “we are dealing with master manipulators – the people who believe their stories are invested in believing they are true regardless of all evidence to the contrary.”

      Absolutely true. There are many reasons, but the main two reasons they will be believe 1) is that they still need to be in this persons lies because of their connection to his power, whether he has the power, or they have the power, either way it can hurt them if they don’t react the “right way”. 2) many people, especially women will blame the wife because it makes them feel just a little bit safer in their own relationship.

      I think most men know it is crap they are spewing, because many have done the same thing themselves, and they know. But, usually they won’t say anything either.

      Just my opinion.

  • Yeah, the thing that caused me to end my marriage was the ex putting promises made to some random whore, and her “needs” above his wife and child. It’s totally beyond forgivable, whether he screwed that slag or not. The pursuit of someone outside your marriage is more than enough to end it.

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