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Most Ridiculous Excuse After Being Busted?

Dear Chump Lady,

I found several ads my husband posted on Craigslist, of all disgusting places, for group sex and friends with benefits. When I confronted him with evidence of his posts and others responses, he told me:

“They weren’t real ads! I was doing a psychology research project to see what types of people would respond and to identify their underlying insecurities.”

Then he berated me for being so stupid that I would actually think he was cheating and blamed me for accusing him of wrong doing.

Craigslist Chump

Dear Craigslist Chump,

Call a lawyer. File for divorce. Call it research.

“What’s all my shit doing in Hefty bags?”

“Oh, that’s my quantitative analysis.”

You could just keep riffing on this indefinitely. Ask him: Who’s funding your research? Will you be publishing your findings? Are you conducting double-blind trial studies?

CC, those are real ads. That’s his double life. He’s a cheater. Oh, but if he’s telling the truth? (He’s not.) Then he is a sinister creep who gets off on compiling the “insecurities” of strangers. DUMP HIM.

Now, back to you CN. Your Friday Challenge is to share whatever preposterous This Is Not What This Looks Like nonsense you heard when you busted your cheater. Can you top “psychology research project”?



Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at [email protected]. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • Actually, it was the first time he was ever honest,

    “Why didn’t you just tell me that you wanted to see other women?”

    “Because I knew you would leave me”

    Spoiler alert: he was right.

  • “Yes I’ve told him I love him, but we haven’t had sex or even met: he lives 2,000 miles away!”

    It took about two weeks to discover the Secret hook ups at our end, and at his end, and in between. 40 year-olds don’t tell each other ILY and write about leaving their spouses to be together forever without having sex first.

    • That’s why I never had a true all-out confrontation with my XW. I figure that (1) she would just continue to lie to me, and also (2) there was zero chance that she and AP were both blowing up 20-yr relationships without having first test-driven each other fully.

      I don’t really regret it, because I don’t believe I ever would have gotten the full truth from her, but it is kind of annoying that 5 years on she is still pretending that “nothing happened until our marriage was over”. (Her quote, said while we were still married).

      • I got that too. The “nothing happened until after” excuse. Yeah nope.

        I got “It was an accident” and “I swear it didn’t happen until after we broke up.”

        I love it when cheaters say it was an accident. Like they tripped and fell into each other’s genitals. The creation of chocolate chip cookies was an accident. If fucking someone who isn’t your partner is the accident, what the hell were they TRYING to do?

        Dumbass ex also seems to think I can’t do basic timeline math. He’d been acting very strange for months before our breakup. Suddenly didn’t want his friends seeing me, didn’t want me tagging him in any social media posts. Got positively enraged at the idea of me accompanying him to any events or social gatherings. A huge argument exploded when he didn’t come home until 6 am and his phone was unreachable. That happened in May of that year, he tells me about his “accident” in October. I find out their anniversary (or at least the one made public on social media) is early September. He married her 5 months after dumping me.

        But yeah, sure…”nothing happened until after we broke up!” …Suuuuuurrrrreee….

        • YEP, the official Facebook date of their relationship started is posted as exactly 2 weeks before I had my world blown apart. Didn’t even have the decency to tell me there was anything wrong.We actually had just finished sex with his arms wrapped around me and my head on his chest, on the bomb day. He decided that was the right time to tell me that he loved me but had never been in love with me. I assume he must have been feeling guilty and unfaithful to her as apparently he had made a commitment to her two weeks before. But since neither one of us had been on social media before I had no clue that he met her that way, quite shocking to find out that he was ready to marry someone he had never met all the way across the world. Threw away almost 25 years of good marriage and friendship for a whore who couldn’t even speak his language. His conscious was cleared be telling me right after sex, yet I’ve been forever scarred with the anticipation that any new man in my life will leave me just after sex. The cruelty I’ve seen so many of us go through they should all end up in Hell as the Devil’s assistants.

          • Oh I never believe the date they put on their facebooks is the REAL date they got together. It’s the one they can make official for publicity. They need a fake date to maintain the lie. My ex was just particularly stupid in that they put early September as their date, but dumbass didn’t tell me he had started seeing someone else until well into the first week of October. *eyeroll*

            But I have seen on CN a good number of cheater morons who have created whole separate profiles for them and their schmoopies with accurate affair timelines and think somehow because it’s separate they won’t get caught. That’s quite literally how I caught my first cheater more than ten years ago. He had a separate profile with his entire relationship with OW on it. Moron couldn’t have at least bothered to make it private or something. Then he had the audacity to accuse me of snooping when I found it.

            Like…dude you had it completely public with a bunch of photos of you together what???

            • Sometimes I don’t know if social media is a blessing, because it’s easier to oust people’s bullshit and the things they willingly put there for everyone to see are very informative and often HILARIOUS…….or it’s a curse because twenty years ago you went on and had to live your life and not ever know the details that would break your heart.

      • I can’t believe what a ridiculous innocent I am when it comes to betrayal
        When I found the ‘I love you’ notes I asked him if he said it back and he said no –
        I got an intelligent sounding answer to the effect of that would be like high school, you have to be in a serious relationship with somebody to know whether or not you love them …
        So his leaving has nothing to do with her – that’s all over
        I had to think about it for a day and then I asked what exactly did he say when she said ‘I love you’
        He said he couldn’t remember.
        Sherlock Holmes over here was a little slow on the take.

        • Zip-

          I agree it’s so nerdy that when you encountered a cannibalistic serial killer, you knew nothing about the technical ins and outs of cannibalistic serial killing. And that time you met Bernie Madoff, all his Ponzi scheme jargon went right over your head!

          All the cool kids know about luring academic investment marks by quoting Malvolio’s letter speech from Twelfth Night and that eyeball are a good source of DHA.

          Tisk. What’s wrong with you? It’s like you never defrauded or committed murder before…

          • Hell, you kill me! Who are you, what do you do? Your brain power seems to tip the scales and you write like fuck 🙂

            • Zip– You’re so sweet and back atcha!

              About me: I’m a proud graduate of the Midvale School for the Gifted (my favorite Farside cartoon):

              I’m the moron who got cheated on for 19 months after 19 years of marriage and was blind to every classic red flag until a whistleblower sent the alert. Biggest D’Oh of my life. I’d even ignored explicit dreams I’d had about infidelity long before D-Day.

              It was all beyond conception for me. Only the lizard ganglia at the base of my skull knew what was up. But I also have a recurring dream about falling off a battleship at night and I’ve never actually been on a battleship or lost at sea. Which intuitive cues do we take literally and which are symbolic?

              I truly think being initially dumb about certain things (like the technicalities of slaughtering baby seals and drowning kittens) can be a trait of positive character. By the same token, if you’re not crazy, its hard to understand crazy.

              • God I had a recurring dream for a couple of years before DDay. Actually more like 5-6 years. I had just bought a house and one day I’m sitting in it and I realize there’s this upstairs I never knew about and it’s haunted. In my dream I’m TERRIFIED. Like desperate to sell the house, scared to stay there but still owe mortgage. I had that dream probably once a month for what seemed like forever. I chalked it up to having my first mortgage and being stressed over the debt. I had ZERO conscious clue, ever, that my husband was cheating. But apparently my lizard brain did. He was the haunted hidden part of my house.

              • At least I’m in good company. I read the oblivion is our brains way of protecting us from pain. Whatever!

              • Add me to the list of chumps who had nightmares about finding out there were hidden rooms and even floors to my home, both before and after D-day No. 1. Some part of me knew my home life held huge, malignant secrets.

              • Wow. Yes, I had many nightmares about discovering passages in my house to hidden rooms filled with malevolent spirits. I had NO idea until now what these meant. Ty.

              • Wow, I had no idea that was a standard chump dream. Someone please alert CL about this. It’s clearly a “thing” and the world needs to know. Of course the scale is different but it reminds me of Primo Levi’s report of an identical recurring dream had by many death camp survivors.

                I feel even dumber since my cheating nightmares were so literal a monkey could have figured them out. In one, cheater returned from a trip and a short, stocky woman in a boxy skirt suit got out of his suitcase and scurried away. Duh.

                In another, two very similar stocky women with thin dishwater hair were scribbling messages and numbers on a whiteboard, one of the big ftee-standing ones on wheels. Each time I’d come close to deciphering the scribbles, the two women would giggle and whisper together and erase the board. I never saw their faces but could figure out a lot about these figments from their clothes, posture, etc.

                The AP and her friend, cheater’s lesbian “work wife” and resident office pimp, neither of whom I’d ever met nor heard of before D-Day, turned out to be dead ringers for the sneaky, snickering asshats in the dream. All the guesses about character, backgrounds, health status, etc. that I’d pieced together in the dream were spot on. The numbers obviously represented the money being burned on the affair and flying monkey bar tabs. The erasing of the board was clearly about cheater deleting texts and emails and also the duper’s delight of all involved. In retrospect, another big duh.

                I’m sure there’s an explanation in quantum physics for how our lizard brains know things that are rationally impossible to know but I doubt our species is sharp enough to discover it. Some things will remain a mystery..

              • I think we need a Friday share about dreams/nightmares that were subtle alerts to impending doom! Me too!

              • Hell, gosh I guess our brains were trying to tell us to run. In my dreams, there were several over the years, I saw him kiss several women and heard him say that he was never in love with me. Every time I would wake up crying, he would console me and would assure me that he didn’t have the bxlls to ever cheat or leave because I was the love of his life (barf). He would always say “you know I don’t last long, so I would be embarrassed to even try.” Poor thing! he had to sleep with all his coworker, both male and females, to try to last longer. 13 years and I never ever suspected he would be capable of it, more shocking was to find that all the females and males (former coworker of mine as well) willingly participated knowing he was still married to me.

        • “I can’t remember” is the go-to phrase when things get uncomfortable for the cheater. And yet they can remember sooooo many things with crystal clarity, particularly when it comes to all the ways you “made” them cheat. I call BS.

          • Ivy league Chump.. I am right there with you . I was naive and didn’t think my H would cheat..even after all the “I
            Love you sweetie” and from sweetie “I love you, I need to hear your voice, my mom loves you “. LOL he meet sweetie’s mother.

            Finally, I saw therapist and was saving money, going to file for divorce after Christmas. Told H what I was going to do and what I wanted. He had a massive stroke in Jan 2019. Now I’m still married and looking after him. He’s like an adult child.

            He was a truck driver..looks like she rode with him. Found her black lacy panties and other items when cleaning his truck out.

            No wonder I feel crazy sometimes!!!!

            • I’m genuinely puzzled because this so common. Could you pls explain your choice? Is it permanent?

              To me, adultery ended the marriage, and his problems are simply not my problems. Divorce and no contact is my only sane option. If anything I feel my staying may be denying them their own opportunity for true humbling and redemption.

            • Crazy Lady, I totally get it. I was going to file and serve him on Monday. He had a heart attack on Friday. He was on hospice for a year. Pure hell. Not bed ridden etc, was the same lazy ass. Loved having all the attention from hospice. My grown kids would have thought he was the victim, me the monster.
              I got 100% of everything. I taped every episode of America’s funniest videos to stay sane.

          • So true. My ex wife who kept telling me my timeline was off (LOL) about her AP, who I “wrongfully” accused you her of cheating with and catching them together multiple times, total coincidence they start dating after her AP’s girlfriend dumps him LOL. Anyway, she made me doubt myself after I saw her kiss him. She really made me question my own fucking eyes! But she said that she didn’t kiss him in the parking lot like I had seen because she remembers their first kiss was inside” so I said “Okay, when was that?”

            Her: I don’t remember

            Ohhh, okay. You can quote an argument from four years prior when you’re telling me you want to separate and are naming everything about me you think is a flaw but can’t remember when you first kissed your AP? Can’t remember or know that I’ll quickly expose your lie?

            • SheSucks, it’s so true… I can’t believe how many of them say they don’t remember. I actually thought it was true and that he didn’t remember (because he did seem like he was on another planet).
              I realize now I don’t remember = I don’t care, it doesn’t matter to me, I don’t feel like answering you, it’s irrelevant because I’m no longer invested in you, I am under no obligation to tell you the truth, I still want to look as good as possible.

              • Very good explanation, Zip. He didn’t remember because it didn’t matter to him what I thought or cared about anymore. He had moved on. What a dirt bag. And a dick.

          • “And yet they can remember sooooo many things with crystal clarity, particularly when it comes to all the ways you “made” them cheat. ”

            Yep, whether it is true or not.

    • I had that

      Yes I’m in love with her but I’ve never even kissed her let alone had sex with her I’m NOT having an affair !!

      Me : you’ve gave me a STI

      Him : ** dead eye state , shrugs shoulders **

    • Nomar,

      What are you talking about? 40 yo’s saying ILY and writing about leaving their spouses to be together forever can TOO not be having sex together! That’s just crazy talk, man. I mean, there’s plenty of examples of that happening out there!

      I mean there’s uh, let’s see, hold on, I’m pretty sure, um, yeah, wasn’t there that famous couple who loved each other so much that, oh wait, no, the husband was discovered to be screwing around on his wife after telling the OW that he loved her and couldn’t wait to be w/her for the rest of his life… but wait, there was that couple in Texas that were living apart due to work and the wife, who loved her husband w/all her heart, had a male friend at work that was giving her naked massages because of all the stress from work and the relationship and life and she was…oh, yeah, that’s right, it turned out she was in “wuv” w/the coworker and cheating on her husband. Damn, I know there’s a bunch of stories out there, let me think, wait a minute, oh yeah, there was that couple from Australia that loved each other so much that the wife decided to test their love by going out on dates w/the opposite sex and then she…damn, now that I think about it, she fell in “wuv” w/one of her dates and decided they were the future for her, not her marriage to her husband. Her husband got video of her fucking the guy, too…

      Ok, fine. As usual, you’re right, Nomar. Are you happy now? I hope you’re happy now!

      Wait. I bet you ARE happy now, aren’t you? Good for you.

      I always enjoy your posts, Nomar, so I thought I’d give you a silly reply. We all know, cheating fuckwits are always going to be that: cheating fuckwits. Their silly explanations never hold water. We all know you’re so much better off w/out the FW XW.

      Hope things are going well your way, Nomar. Stay safe, stay healthy, be well, and wishing for peace for you always in your future. Oh, and go Sox!

      • thelongrun,

        I totally LOVE your comment here! Absolutely brilliant!

        ForgeOn! with your ‘silly’ replies

        • Thanks, ForgeOn!! Great username, btw. I’ve got a case of the sillies today.

  • After finding her search history that included “how to choose between your husband and lover? Married but in love with someone else”, “How to have phone sex”, “how to have a long distance relationship”, “how to tell someone you love them without saying I love you” (the list goes on and on)…. She said that “just because she searched for those things doesn’t mean she did them”…..

  • “Oh those condoms? I use them for masturbating because my hands are rough. ” ????????????????

      • Damnit CL! That man has a serious condition. Cheesegraterhanditis is a very difficult thing to live with! How dare you belittle his situation! Do you not know how hard it is for him to relieve the constant stress of “being good?!” It’s no laughing matter, I’m sure. I’m here to put the hat out to CN, asking for donations to help this poor man, and many others, I’m sure, like him!

        NAWSbrat, I’m sure your ex suffered greatly w/this affliction. I’m also sure you stayed w/him, and nursed him through this very trying period in his life. Giving willingly of your time and body to make him feel whole.

        Wait, you’re saying this was a problem for most of his life? That he was lying about this, and didn’t really suffer from cheesegraterhanditis? That he was a lying, no good, POS cheater in the relationship? Well, that changes everything! May his hands develop boils, awful boils and pustules, that erupt painfully on the hour! And then let them fall OFF. Along with his dick. THE END.

        We now bring you back to your regularly scheduled blog. Please resume your disgust for cheating fuckwits, and have a pleasant day/life. And please don’t give a cent or a toss for this asshole. Thank you.

        [I’m really in a silly mood today. It sure beats my usual mood when I read or think about all the crap the fuckwits in our lives have been up to, thanks to the info from CL and CN. Grrrr… ]

      • Hah! I got this version:
        Him: I found the condom (found a condom????) and thought it would be fun to masturbate with.
        Proud to say I laughed out loud when this lame ass excuse was dropped on me.

        • BoundaryBuilder,

          Yeah, I think I speak for the majority of men when I say that we never think of using a condom as fun for masturbation, let alone for regular sex!

          Lame ass excuse, indeed. What a sad, POS fuckwit your ex is. Just like my FW XW. Unfortunately, it’s no surprise, given where we are discussing this. Good for you for laughing out loud at him when he presented you w/this pathetic bullshit.

          BoundaryBuilder, you’re so much better off w/out that POS partner in your life. I’m thinking you’re finding a lot more peace and happiness w/out him. Best wishes to you on your journey to meh and Tuesday. As Buddy Holly said, “Every day, it’s a gettin’ closer…”

    • This is also one I heard, and I first learned on CL how common it is.

      It’s NOT for the faint of heart or newly traumatized (made me feel super vomit-y, actually), but there are entire online chat groups in places like Reddit where cheaters actually share advice about how to get away with cheating and mock their chumps for believing their lies. This one is common there.

      • So true Aimiisfree and this was at one time the deepest cut of all. Knowing he took such delight in my pain after stating it was always about the thrill of the chase. As we say the duping is delicious.

        For the newly chumped, let this fuel your anger to get the best settlement from the sadistic assholes and fight for yourselves.

      • I found evidence of all sorts of chats, photos and emails that he kept many were only online and thru CL as well as others. And he had signed up for a website called specifically aimed at people wanting to have an affair (or more than one I imagine). He also wrote really terrible poetry and posted it on a writing website to meet women. He lied about basically every aspect of his life in all of those.

        • I found a poem to his ‘one and only’ (it was TOTALLY shite) and I read it out to him over and over again and he cried and said that it was ‘just some lyrics he wrote for a song for the guitar and that he’s always written things down, in our good times and in our bad’.

          A nice, but pathetic (by that stage) attempt at deflection yet again. He also said that I was making him physically ill and his friends (what friends?) had been really worried about him and if didn’t end this nicely now he couldn’t be responsible for how things ended down the line and it wouldn’t be pretty.

          Lying & threats. Really none of it very convincing. So many really, of course the reason he never mentioned her to me at all despite working ‘closely’ with her for nearly two years, taking her for lunch blah blah blah was because ‘he knew I wouldn’t like it and I didn’t let him have any friends’. Spoiler: he didn’t have any friends. It was a nice try but none of it washed.

          • Yep, the threats.

            My ex called me at work, when he found out I wanted the particular property that we owned that was paid for. It was a tiny house, but it was paid for. He called and said, he wanted his mother to live in that house and we (he and I) said she could live there. I said that was based on our original marriage contract, you know the one where we promised to forsake all others. He said, I will sell everything, I said “knock yourself out big boy” and hung up on him.

            He couldn’t sell anything, we were under a legal separation. But, he thought he was still in control.

            About an hour later he called back and apologized. I guess he was thinking, ok the threats didn’t work, I will try the smooze. What does CL say the cycle through three tactics, one of them is rage, can’t remember the words now.

            I got the house, he got everything else. He came out way ahead financially, but I got a small property and peace of mind.

    • The half empty viagra box?
      I was taking it to have sex with you
      – but we didn’t have sex for weeks
      Yes, but I took it on lunch break, came home, wanted to have sex with you
      – you came home, took the pill and left. We didn’t talk to each other
      Not true.
      – you took viagra and went back to work?
      Well, I mean…

  • “He was like my mentor at work”…

    I know, it’s not original but I didn’t think it possible for someone to be able to lie like that and feel no guilt. That’s not normal.

    • BBM,

      Did you get told that the former coworker was going to continue mentoring your ex, and that’s part of why they were leaving you? That’s what I got from the FW XW. Her 15 yrs older, richer, well known statewide former politician boss that she exit-affaired me for, she said was going to “mentor and push her” to higher heights in her political pursuits.

      To paraphrase what my brother said to her about 4-5 months after D-day, I wouldn’t want to be associated w/her or him. They’re scum, and belong together.

      Peace, happiness and health to you BBM, and all CN.

  • According to ex:
    All men cheat
    I don’t think about ow
    Sex with ow meant nothing
    I liked her because she didn’t want her kids
    She’s a slag
    She can’t cook
    Will you share me
    I said no to that one

    Incidentally I saw ow on bus she stared at me, I said nothing as usual
    Probably looking for my ex

  • If the letter writer’s husband was “doing research” I’m just curious what his actual job was. If he was genuinely involved in research then ….. nah, not buying that BS. If he was a mail carrier (just as a “for instance”) I’d find that even somewhat less believable (I’m being cynical here)!

    • She’d know if his job involved this type of research. I had a friend who researched HIV prevalence in prostitutes, who knew a lot about this type of thing – but she worked at the CDC and was very transparent about it.

      Interestingly, she said that many (maybe the majority?) of sex workers in the US don’t consider themselves prostitutes, have other jobs and just take money for sex every once in a while from a few people. They’re streetwalkers, and they’re not advertising their services to anyone. Many of them got started when a man approached them casually in the course of everyday life (“hey baby” in the supermarket type of thing) and they eventually agreed to take money for sex. I was kind of bowled over, because I had just assumed that the low-energy “what’s up, beautiful” type of hitting on women in public would never work, but apparently I’m wrong.

        • About 5% of NYU students engage in “sugaring.” The student loan crisis has created a generation of part time prostitutes.

          Some “sugar babies” come from wealth just not *enough* wealth to afford designer clothes, clubbing or upscale travel. Many do it to even stay in school.

          Considering the increasing normality of going Dutch on dates among millennials, most chumps who finds their marital resources significantly drained by an affair can identify the affair as a sugaring arrangement.

      • Well you surprise me a little there. I have heard of students paying their way through uni like this but …. And sadly, “hey babe do you fancy a shag” is not all that unusual!

        • What surprised me was that anyone answered “yes” to some rando in the supermarket. But then, I never imagined my wife would be fucking her colleagues during work trips, so it’s already been established that I’m pretty naive about this stuff.

      • I do recall somebody trying that on me once in a train station in Vienna (many years ago). He as asking in German and I didn’t understand what he was saying. First I thought he was asking for money. I said I didn’t have any to give. He responded with “no I pay you” and started grabbing his balls. That’s when I figured it out and responded with an emphatic “no” in as many languages as I could remember. I was so embarrassed to have been talking to him for so long trying to figure out what he was saying. I also wondered why he had approached me when I had been traveling for several days and was looking pretty scruffy. It occurred to me later that he probably tried it on me because I looked like I could use the money.

  • “Oh no she’s crazy. She’s part of a scheme to get my inheritance and she’s telling you this as a way to blackmail me, don’t you get it?”

    Suuuuuuuuure. I get it, and you can get your lying ass out of here.

  • Not really an excuse but a comment. “I don’t really care about her, I just don’t want to be married anymore”.

    He is remarried now, but after living with OW for about a week, he met someone else and married her a few months later instead. Whatever——-

    • Yeah, the shallowness of it all. I heard, “I’ll dump her too.” Umm, I think his stock is trading low by now. Six years later and still dangling marriage. #miragefuturefaking

  • “She’s a friend I’m helping through a bad breakup.”

    My response? “I hope she’s going to help you through your bad breakup.”

    • This wasnt the first excuse to come out of his mouth but still early on:

      “She has been through a hard time, she was CHEATED ON!”

      This was WAY before I knew they had sex…if I had known that at the time, my brain would have exploded.

      • Mine almost did explode when, after DDay, when I was still in shock and still in full reconciliation mode, he was telling me, with absolutely no comprehension of the irony of what he was saying, that her then husband was such an asshole to have cheated on her and she had been so kind to have taken him back.

        • No, I’d say that sounds like something he knew exactly what he was saying. The goal was to suggest that “you would be a kind person yourself to take back a cheater, that of course people should take back cheating spouses, and you’re unkind if you don’t, and you aren’t unkind, are you Chumpinrecovery?”

      • Yep I got that one (“She’s my best friend), too. What 45 year old man has a 29 year old as a best friend?

        • Yep, I got that too, rat faced whore is in her forties, fucktard is 65.

          I asked, are you in love with her? “No! I think of her as a daughter!”

          I said, “sooo… you think about fucking your daughter?”

        • I got – I just get along better with 20 year old girls than I do men my own age (45)

      • I got, “She’s my only friend.” And he was probably (and still is) correct. I don’t think these narcissists really have deep friendships.

        • Exactly what I was told – ‘she is my only friend!’. That is because he was too selfish to spend time making friends. Just left it to me to sort out our social life whilst he was doing whatever made him happy.

          He can have his only friend as he has now lost the 3 people who used to love him unconditionally – me and the kids.

    • I love some of these responses! I am never witty or profound (or both like some of these masters!) in the moment.

      This could be a great Friday thread if it hasn’t already been done. What was the best comeback you gave to the cheater?

      • A few weeks after DDay Ex was telling me that Schmoopie was still living at home with her then husband, was on a dating site going on dates and still seeing ex as well. Her husband had also gone out and found himself a girlfriend. Ex looked at me and said “You should go on a dating site”. I said “no thanks, somebody in all of this needs to maintain some sense of dignity”. That’s all I got. Other than that I was just going around in a daze not knowing how to respond to any of the crazy that was coming out of his mouth.

    • Ha,

      “I was out late counseling the mayor, he is having marriage problems”

      These were things said before I found out, but likely a lot of other folks knew what was going on. Counseling the mayor my ass. He was humping the dog catcher, who was his employee. (direct report)

  • You know we work on huge deals together so I can support our family! You know we work all night!
    I can’t answer your calls because they’re a distraction.

    We had to go to a funeral and she must have forgotten to take her lipsticks out of the glove box.

    Why are you worried? We all think she’s gay so it doesn’t matter.

    And finally…I have no idea what your talking about.

  • DDay #2 kicked off by finding a text that said “when am I gonna see your naked body again”. She has NO idea what he even meant by that, she only kissed him once or twice…..she eventually dumped me because how could she be with someone who doesn’t trust her and believe her. ????

    • I got that too, twice with my ex husband and then my ex boyfriend( who was cheated on by his ex wife). Neither one could HANDLE me asking questions?! Red flags galore! Just a big excuse factory for fucking strange. Hope you are doing well Justin and finding happiness!

  • After he said he needed to “be alone,” I saw on our joint credit card that he received another order of Viagra (subscriptions are cheaper!). When I asked him about it, he said, “It’s not what you think.”

    Lol. And I just fell off the turnip truck.

    • Mine told me the Viagra was for “Pulmonary hypertension.” I actually thought about that for about 30 seconds because Viagra IS used to treat pulmonary hypertension. Then, I answered, “but you don’t HAVE pulmonary hypertension.”


      • He’d also be more likely to be prescribed the literal plethora of other medications for hypertension that are not also dick pills. Lol like he thinks that’s the only possible prescription, or that you can’t put the puzzle together and reason that a doctor would not prescribe him a medication for a condition he doesn’t have. Lordtttt these cheaters.

      • Over 200 Viagra pills in one year highest dosage. Confronted with order history, post box delivery notifications and letters of complaint when order was late, cheater’s reply was, I ordered all that for YOU!

        Me: But I took the measly amount off already.

        Cheater: I threw the rest of each box away every month and reordered. I didnt want them in the office.

        Me: But where did you throw medical products into the trash?!

        Cheater: Different public trash cans at night on my way back home.

        Me: I’m locked up in the bathroom. I’m phoning your partners, friends and family now to call you and tell you your wife deserves the name and timeline.

        Got through to three before he admitted.

    • Mine purchased his Viagra with the health insurance I PROVIDE! WTF!
      Funny he never seemed to need it with me – I wonder if his dick feels guilty?

  • “I didn’t mess around while we were living together.”

    Hotel bar full of men, and this drunk girl, wouldn’t leave me alone all night, even after I told her that I was married..
    Uh, so, if you hear anything, I just told you what really happened.

  • Oh the craiglist ads .. “I just wanted to see what they would say.” After sending a fully naked picture of his flacid manihood.

    Eh … Is probably what they said.

    He never had much luck with this ads because if he did get a response, he would reply back to the system reply not go in and actually send a message. But it gave me plenty of ammunition.

    • 3yearspostdd:

      Wait. I’ve never understood dick pics. But a pic of a flacid one is even more of a curiosity to me. Even a hard one? I don’t get it. Are there any women who find this attractive?

      Regardless, what a lame thing for him to do. Ugh. Glad it gave you needed ammo though.

      • All the women in my social circle, including myself, do not find dick pics attractive. UNLESS they are specifically requested.

        And usually dick pics are only requested from our partners within our relationships. Not from random creepy old men on craigslist. (Or facebook…or Instagram…or even dating sites. We don’t want dick pics we didn’t ask for. …Whether they are hard or flaccid. Just no.)

        • Oh I have to tell you all this one. I was seeing a lovely colleague for about 6 years after divorce. Then I ended it because it wasn’t going anywhere. He has been a friend for over 30 years however and we still see each other as friends – cinema, lunch, he comes over to my place. One time last year (around October I think) he sent me a “dick pick” saying “was thinking of you”. He was lying in his bath reading as he does for ages every morning, so he sent me the picture. That’s just how we roll and I laugh and that’s as far as it goes. HOWEVER, nearer to Christmas I was at my patchwork class and was telling one of the ladies that I had seen a Christmassy patchwork I wanted to attempt at an exhibition. So she asked if she could see a picture of it. I had forgotten that my friend’s picture would have saved itself onto my picture roll, so just handed my phone over to her. I instantly realized what I had done and almost found myself flying over sewing machines to grab my phone out of her hand. Thankfully she just handed my phone back but when I told my friend what had happened he was mortified – and it hasn’t happened since!

          • That’s hilarious XD XD.

            That’s why I make sure all my nudie photos I send to my partner are deleted from the camera roll after I send them. Trying to avoid disaster.

            Plus, you never know when someone will break the “no scrolling” rule. Like if you have them your phone to look at a photo and they start swiping.

        • I can’t see how they’d be a turn on for *anyone* – men’s dangly bits? Just no. ????????

          Vaginas? Nope. ????

        • Mr. Creeperpants had an addiction from hell and would stare at any pretty body part he could get his lusty little eyes on. After a full on ogling session during our co-ed bible study, I confronted him about it… His exact words…. “I know she’s pretty, but there’s no attraction. I don’t know why I was looking. I can’t figure her out. I don’t know if she’s a Christian or not. I’m trying to figure out if she’s a Christian.” When I asked him, “How does her chest help you know if she’s a Christian or not?” Crickets

      • I never understood the dick pics he would send or the boob pictures send would send, considering he always told me he was not a boob man!

    • Mine did exactly the same! He said I was just hoping they would send me a naked photo. But he underestimated my detective work. Blind as a bat I was until I smelt a rat and then I dug through 7 years of muck to find the truth.

  • Saw on his phone he was looking on facebook personal. His excuse was that the internet didn’t work that well at the cabin to watch porn so he went on facebook personals to look at pictures…..

    Later I found many dating sites, ashley madison, datings sites for specifically for married people to have an affair. His excuse “I wanted to get caught”

    He’s now engaged to a nice lady and I sure feel sorry for her she has no idea what is in store for her.

      • Ewwww that is just creepy. Even if he was telling the truth (obviously he was not) that excuse didn’t make it any better. That just makes it super creepy… if a guy told me he couldn’t look at porn so he resorted to stalking dating profiles to beat off to?


        But how dumb did he think you were? Oh my god. So the internet doesn’t work for porn but it works for Craigslist? Hokay buddy, don’t let the door smack you on the butt too hard on your way out…

  • Mine also told me he was doing research to find out how to talk dirty to women so that he could turn ME on. I filed.

    It turns out that FAITHFULNESS turns me on.

    • If he wanted to do research on how he could talk dirty to you he could have just…asked you. -_-

      This whole comment section today has my head spinning.

  • I called her all those times to see if she would go shopping with me to help pick out a birthday present for you.

  • Cheater had a number of modes of abuse he used on me one of which was rage (which sometimes happened while driving) sometimes with the whole family in the minivan. There were times I did not think we would live to reach our destination – it was terrifying.

    On the day I found the lovey-dovey email to his coworker, he came home, sat in a kitchen chair and silently fiddled with his posture and comfort in the seat then after prepping to make some clarifying statement, he looked at me and said:

    ” I have never driven dangerously with you or the kids in the car”.

    WHAT? I hadnt even mentioned that. REALLY interesting that his brain rightly categorized that version of abuse to fit in the same compartment as adultery since they are both abuse.

    I made the newbie chump mistake of subsequently asking him 90,000 questions which gave him 90,000 more opportunities to lie and abuse.

    • Of all the things I have had to forgive myself for, one of the biggest was not leaving his ass the first time he ever rage-drove with one of the kids in the car. I really did have a serious case of Stockholm Syndrome.

      • Rage driving. It’s definitely a thing. Lundy Bancroft talks about it.

        Fucktard did the same to me, (no kids, thank God).

        Driving to Blackpool for his reunion with his drum platoon – he was angry because I hadn’t been ready on time. Screaming at me in the car, “you *know* I can’t stand being late, this is so important to me you cunt!”

        Driving down the motorway at over 80mph, swinging into different lanes so I fell against the car door, both hands off the wheel so he could take off his wedding ring and throw it in my face. Fucker.

        • I’ve been listening to the audiobook of Lundy Bancroft. This is probably one of the most brilliant, and comprehensive books on abuse and abusers I have ever read.

    • Unicorn no more…were we married to the same guy? I could have written this:
      Cheater had a number of modes of abuse he used on me one of which was rage (which sometimes happened while driving) sometimes with the whole family in the minivan. There were times I did not think we would live to reach our destination – it was terrifying.

      I wish I’d NEVER allowed that to happen after the first time. I should have protected my children…. ????????????

      I thought I was a good wife for staying…..

      Thank God I found CL, told him to GTFO, went no contact and divorced him.

      Oh, and I also made the newbie chump mistake of subsequently asking him “90,000 questions which gave him 90,000 more opportunities to lie and abuse” after Dday…..????‍♀️????‍♀️????‍♀️

      • One reason I was too afraid to leave over the rage driving was that he was FULL ON into blame and denial. He could have rage-driven us all within a hairsbreath of our lives 10 times and denied he did anything and told people that his shrew wife threw him out with no provocation. To me – back then – that idea was intolerable.

        My newfound wisdom would have told me that once I was in the web of a narc, I would be blamed no matter what and he would control the narrative no matter what.

        I think that purgatory is like a debrief session with movies and maybe some mind-melding of what the pain (that we caused others) felt like. I wonder if God let him take those same rides from the passenger seat.

  • Lovebringer69 had a coffee van so for years I believed the story that they were just women he sells coffee to. When I found his Craigslist/Adultmatchmaker/Bangaroo Babes advertisements. His first excuse was I thought you were going to leave me.. When I asked why were we looking at buying a new home together if I was going to be leaving he realised it wasn’t a good reason and came up with “Ok it was just a F#$& You to You” for not respecting me”. Makes me laugh I have no respect for him whatsoever now!

    • He shopped for humans to fuck in Craigslist Casual Encounters and found his “Sole Mate”. His spelling. That’s what he told me. He could have met her in the illicit massage parlors of a certain racial demographic. Who knows what rock he actually found her under.

      “You told me to get a girlfriend”

      “You and Amy told me about Tinder at the Giants game”

      “We had sex twice” (as in, me and him, in the course of a 27 year relationship. I guess I was fucking a phantom all those other times)

      “I’ve always been attracted to Asian women but never acted on it because my parents wouldn’t have approved”

      “If it wasn’t her it would be someone else”
      (I know. Because you’re a cheater and it’s what cheaters do and it’s not about me. And he did cheat on Craigslist Casual Encounter Sole Mate after she moved here to the secret apartment with him).

      But the irony is that if not for her, I would never have guessed what a slimy douchebag he is and I’d be thinking I had driven a Really Nice Guy away because I was a horrible person and wife.

  • After I questioned a toll bill for a bridge 20 miles away from our home, dated the day she begged out of a family Christmas party with our daughters because “I just need a day to myself, I want to go see the new Star Wars movie” …

    “Well . . . you’re right, I didn’t see the movie. Did you ever start driving and just zone out, then come out of it and realize that you’ve just driven for 15 minutes and have no memory of it? That’s what happened . . . I was driving to the theater when I suddenly found myself on the highway north of Boston. And by then I didn’t feel like seeing the movie anymore, so I just drove around for a while and came home.”

    (Truth, confirmed by discovered text exchanges: the Carrot Singer had notified her the morning of the party that his wife was going to be leaving their home — 45 miles away — for the day with their 3-year old daughter, and that KK could “hang back” until she saw Mrs. CS leave before coming up to the house. I guess he figured: after already having been in our home at least twice already, the least he could do was return the favor.)

    It’s the one thing I had proof of that she had never admitted to.

  • He went out with a female co-worker because his male co-workers “dared him to”.

    He talked to a different co-worker about our problems (instead of me) because “it was summer and there was no one else around”.

    He couldn’t have a crush on (female mentioned above) because “she’s probably a lesbian”

    The list goes on…

    But a friend of mine, who is still with the fuckwit, got “I was on porn chatroom because I wanted to help you with your issue *down there*”

  • Mine did exactly the same! He said I was just hoping they would send me a naked photo. But he underestimated my detective work. Blind as a bat I was until I smelt a rat and then I dug through 7 years of muck to find the truth.

    • OMG!

      I got: “She told me she got wet when she saw my coat hanging on the hook in the office.” “She flirted.” NOT MY FAULT!

      Divulging this to your wife of 35 years in order to justify your cheating is a certain kind of insensitive and cruel. What did he expect me to say? “You’re right honey. I would have fucked her, too. Totally understandable.”

  • “I did not cheat on you sexually” but then he filed for divorce the next day. Our baby was three months old. I should give up waiting on karma

    • I’m sorry, Jo. That’s terrible. What kind of man does that when he has a 3-month old baby? I hope you and your child are doing ok.

    • Same Jo. I guess karma is being someone who is that heartless. If someone can do this to the person who is basically keeping their own blood alive you can imagine how little happiness he will get in anything else. We are supposed to find “internal” sources of happiness, but your kids are the only “justified” source of external happiness in my opinion.

      • Very good post. to the person who is basically keeping their own blood alive”

        So true.

        I have always thought that had to be the worst, to have it happen in the case of being pregnant, or a new mom.

        But, honestly though I didn’t know for sure at the time. It happened to me. I was pregnant while he was in Vietnam. I have no doubt there were women, paid or otherwise. Then when my son was young there were some suspicions on my part. I should have not been surprised when he blew up our marriage years later, but I was.

        It took me a while to go back in time and piece it all together.

        • That’s okay too. We can’t see what we don’t look for and we don’t look for it if that’s not who are (if that makes sense). I would’ve never in a million years imagined my ex was the way he was because I didn’t realize it was possible to stoop so low. But I guess it was and it’s better this way.

          • Yep, I had to forgive myself for that, because truly, it was not on me to know about his hidden life. I was the trusting wife. But, even if we forgive them, they go back to it. Then in my ex’s case will use my trust against me, and even boast about how clueless I am.

            Oh he didn’t put it in those words, but he made it clear he was very proud of how trusting I was. To everyone. That is the one thing that blew up in his face, he couldn’t go to his coworkers and whine about how bad I was. They knew us both too well.

  • When I asked him to his face if he was cheating on me, he said, “I don’t have a nice enough car.” Which I thought was weird and we live in a mountain town that doesn’t emphasize that kind of thing.

    Three days later when I took a look at his phone and saw all the sexting I saw that they frequently had sex in his car, blocks from our house or on a break from work or right before he drove our kids to school in it. Eew.

  • When I found one of his undershirts with her perfume on it – “He had a business meeting with her and liked her perfume and thought I might like it. So he got a shirt from his car and had her spray the perfume on it to bring me home as a sample. He sent her photos of it to show he brought it home… but then forgot to tell me about it.”

    When I found a topless selfie he sent her with an erection under his shorts – “They were laughing about what her dates sent her, so he put a hairspray bottle in his shorts and took the picture as a joke.”

    That he texted her constantly and called her every night for hours while taking our newborn on walks – “She was just a friend but that was the only time he had free to call her. I was so horrible that he needed someone to talk to. She was the biggest supporter of our marriage.”

    Finding out he booked an international vacation with her – “They were just friends, but after I falsely accused him of having an affair with her, I made him realize he might be interested in her.” … (later that day)… “He didn’t want to hurt me and stab me repeatedly so he removed her from the trip”… (months later)… I find he never took her off the trip and I get photos of them embracing at the airport.

    I got audio recordings of most of it, so stbx and OW’s depositions are going to be very interesting.

    • “ ‘They were just friends, but after I falsely accused him of having an affair with her, I made him realize he might be interested in her’.”

      So, basically it was your fault!????????‍♀️This is not only lame but also cruel.

  • “I was spiritually exalted…”

    As though God calls people to lie and cheat!

    That’s when I knew what a nutcase Ex was and happily said good-bye and good riddance.

  • Me: who is she?
    Cheater: I’m not going to tell you, she doesn’t even know she’s involved
    Yet, they both dumped their spouses to be together

    I also liked ‘it was a whim’
    Yet, a secret year long intense emotional relationship 1st.

    Me: how old is she?
    Cheater: age, age, it’s irrelevant…she could be 5 -20 yrs older – what difference does it make?
    Yet, she’s 15 yrs younger

    • Right. My ex minimized the 1 year affair with it only got physical 1 time. Right because they both wanted to blow up their families and finances over 1 time sex. Nope more like they had a year to lie, scheme, and keep their spouses in the dark while they hatched their plan to ride off into the sunset.

      • “Nope more like they had a year to lie, scheme, and keep their spouses in the dark while they hatched their plan to ride off into the sunset.”

        And once they told their spouses, then the spouses needed to get over it quickly, and let them go. And of course be happy for them.

  • “I don’t know what you’re talking about. You and I used all of them”—-ex, after I asked where the ample supply of Viagra I had ordered for him went (he rarely took Viagra when with me– claimed he didn’t like how it made him feel. I put up with half erection etc. He must have decided his fellow pastor/whore was worth his pills)

  • “What if I was too drunk to drive and got a hotel?”

    My response: You booked it the night before, ate at my favorite restaurant, went from there to the casino, then hotel and breakfast in the morning.

    This is the guy who wouldn’t pay for my Easter dinner weeks earlier while visiting son at college and asking for my signature for a mortgage.

    The jig was up but I’ve git to hand it to him on where he landed once I had enough and filed.

  • After the Ashley Madison hack – when they made the database searchable, thank you hackers – I found him because he used our joint credit card to pay the registration fee.

    I asked him about it, and he said, “Oh, that’s not me.”

    What a doofus…of course its you, dumbass. That’s our credit card number.

    Just to be sure, I went back to the hacked data to double check the credit card number and profile attached to it. Upon closer inspection, I noticed that he had changed a few letters in his name, and he switched the year in his bday so it was one year different than his actual bday. Credit card number was still the same as the one in my wallet.

    Gee, what a disguise.

  • We were meeting to discuss MSA and I finally told him I knew he was cheating. He said nothing and by the third time I told him I knew he was cheating, he said “there was alot going on”. I told him to save it, i did not need to hear bs.

    • Good for you for shutting that BS down. Boundaries!

      Sometimes I think they like to tell their stories, even to their spouses.

      “Let me tell you how we met, fucked, and fell in love. You’ll love the story. Really. It’s SO romantic. Someone could write a book about it.”

      • They do like to tell their stories. I think they “parenticize” their spouses, as they are acting like hormone crazed teens.

        Mine tried to tell me of his and schmoopies “first time” like I wanted to hear that shit. I cut him off as soon as he said “it was in the back of the squad car” swoon, how romantic.

        Sadistic bastard; is what I should have said. All I said was “I am your wife not your mother” then I asked him to leave. Asshole.

        • My therapist said my ex is a “malignant narcissist,” but I think I prefer the ring of “sadistic bastard.”

      • Spinach
        On my dday( evening) I was sitting, absolutely frozen, hearing my h talking about # of women, places, stuff he did with them – even a heartbreaking story about falling for a woman he met twice, had sex with, following his obsession with her for another month/ two because she wasn’t into him.
        Yes, I was sitting there, listening to all that.
        Where was I during his “ tough times” of dating?
        At home.
        With a 2 kids under 3, full time mother, full time student.
        Full time wife, cook, maid, lover.

        • Oh Leslie. I’m so sorry. All these cheaters suck, but some are truly sadistic bastards.

          I hope you’re free of him and doing ok now. With two kids under three, I can’t imagine how difficult this must be. I hope you have a good support network. I wish you the best. The kids are lucky to have a mighty mom!

          Hugs from Spinach.

        • And what is it with this “dating” shit. That is the word my cheater used. “Oh, I have been “dating” for years.”

          Hey asshole, you aren’t dating you are committing adultery.

  • I forgot my favorite, when I found the ‘I love you’ and ‘‘I can’t wait to make love to you again’ notes he had been keeping –
    in response to me asking who wrote them he said ‘ no one wrote them’ repeat, same question, same answer
    He was so convincing, I asked him if he wrote them to himself

    • This is my red flag. When you are asking someone “what’s one plus one?” and they answer “toothbrush” and then look at you like it’s a perfectly acceptable answer.

      Took me years to realize I wasn’t crazy.

  • After avoiding divorce for nine months (no show, not filing paperwork, going on vacations with disturbed Nancy, moving in her dumpy apartment within months of Dday) he stated, “I think about you all the time”.

    Two years ago, “Dad said he’d talk to you!”

    Fuck NO.

  • When I confronted Mr. Sparkles with the results of the spyware I had installed on his computer, he said, “I knew you were watching me – don’t you f’ing think I knew?!” What he failed to recognize was that what I had recovered was from his TRASH folder… it was more than six months past the date I installed the software… such an ass.

    Then this one, recently with the pandemic and what not, when I was sending my son for visitation after a hiatus, I told him to keep our son safe because I don’t trust the people he meets online are the kind to practice social distancing. He said, “I’ve been the victim of phishing. Someone has taken my old photos and created online profiles with them.” I. Can’t. Even. But as we like to say around here… not my monkeys, not my circus… let his GF deal with that now.

    For giggles… here are some of his online personas… in case you bump in to him anywhere (ha)


    TGIF Chump Nation you are all the best bullshit whisperers in my book!

    • Why am I not surprised that all these personas are such clichés? The only thing missing is “69”!

    • Ew. Who responds to profiles and handles like this other than hookers and other demented sex addicts?

      • People who have no sense of self. People whose *only* sense of self is what other people give them.

        People who don’t view others as real people, just puppets who either dance to their tune, or don’t. If they don’t, bin them. They don’t really exist, after all.

  • Right as dday hit and owhore was texting me all about their little affair in great detail….

    The classic: Don’t talk to her, someone hacked my phone.

    The slightly more creative twist: These people who hacked my phone are trying to destroy me and my business. Stop talking to them.

    The crowning bs: owhore is a lesbian who is trying to ruin me

    The only truthful and completely self aware statement: she doesn’t matter and there will always be others and none of them will ever matter.

    • Ugh! I got this one, too. His little tart texting me, telling me all about their 18 month relationship and asking why the divorce was taking so long. Umm, because there wasn’t a divorce! Bless your young, naive little heart.

      Him: You know she’s crazy, why would you believe anything she has to say?
      Me: She sent me screenshots of your conversations AND photos of you together
      Him: Silence. Blink blink.
      Him: Well, there is a lot of gray area and if you are just going to take her word for it, I guess we have nothing to talk about.
      Me: I have a meeting with my attorney tomorrow. I hope she was worth it.

      SO very happy to be out of that marriage and away from all the crazy 🙂

    • You reminded me. He once said; “There are some folks mad at me for political reasons, if you get a call that I am running around just ignore them” Yes, I just took it in stride. Trusting (stupid) wife.

      He was in politics, and there were some folks that didn’t like him, as with any political person.

      • Similar to your story, Susie Lee; I got “there are people at work who think that OW#1 and I are having an affair. I am telling you this because it is not true and I am worried you will hear about it from someone else. We are just the ” new kids” in the department and are supporting each other.” We all worked together and she shared a cubical wall with me. I chumpily snorted the hopium – he knew I would, we had just sold my house and bought a new house together and our son was not yet a year old. I stayed for 20 more years before ending the nightmare. To this day he swears that his ridiculous story is true, what a POS.

  • He said, after discovery— my sex addiction (to bdsm prostitutes) isn’t a big deal — just a bad habit left over from my first marriage.

  • I’ve just changed, but I’m not taking all the blame for this!
    Um, you are I was still 100% committed. Telling every one we’ve drifted apart too????.
    What a Shit head
    2x now.

    • Glenb,

      I got the same type of false-equlivalence, blame-sharing drivel.

      I will own up to not being a perfect spouse. I will never, however, take blame for his lying and cheating for years.

      Courageous spouses leave before fucking around. Cowards fuck around while married. Sadistic cowards blame their spouses for their fucking around.

      • “Courageous spouses leave before fucking around. Cowards fuck around while married. Sadistic cowards blame their spouses for their fucking around.”

        Bears repeating.

        I doubt many of them start cheating with the intention of leaving. Most think they won’t get caught, but that life style soon makes them into another person. I do believe there are physiological reasons (hormones) that once they start, they keep going back for more kicks, but the bottom line is they made the first step outside the marriage the partner didn’t.

        Once the situation ends, they can start to think more clearly, but the marriage has already been gutted.

        At least it was in my case. Too many horrible things said and done to me. I am envious of those women whose husband screws up and immediately take responsibility and begs for forgiveness. But, for most of us, it only happens after a lot of emotional and mental abuse.

  • I’ve told this one before, but it still makes me shake my head in bemusement, did he really think I was that stupid? (well, yes).

    After finding the texts on his phone, boasting to his (only) mate about fucking the rat faced whore, ” None of it’s true! It was just lad’s banter!”

    When I discovered he’d taken rat faced whore shopping, told her to buy whatever she wanted (and telling her they had to be careful I didn’t see them), that he’d bought her a watch, a sky jump, and was planning to take her to London to see Les Miserables, and told her to get her passport ready for August, ” Lisa’s (rat faced whore) had nothing all her life! I’m just trying to show her how the other side lives! Excuse me for being soft!”

    Then he posted on fb, “nice people always get fucked over!”

    I’m definitely not yet at meh, this shit still enrage me when I think about it. ????????????

    • Almost as insulting as the affair(s) is how stupid they must think we are and willing to buy their BS. Really?

    • ???? It enrages me for you.

      My cheater did his deeds before social media kicked in. He never did sleep more than 5 hours at night, but in the last year he would come in and tell me he couldn’t sleep, he was going to go ride around with one of the guys. He was a captain, and was not on the street anymore, so his story was that he missed talking with some of the guys.

      Yeah, and I kissed him goodbye, sometimes after sex and he went out to “ride with the guys” And I believed him. So no you are not stupid, but I can tell you I was. Or at least I felt pretty stupid.

  • “She’s was the client at the end of the day” I didn’t realise it was in his job description to fuck his clients…

  • Nope, not here. Mine rolled over and told me everything. He was proud! What took me so long to figure it out, sheesh! It was all so blatantly under my nose. And after I knew, and hit the hopium pipe on the daily, he would fuck her while I was at work, and reply in the affirmative when I asked, after driving frantically home, “Did you see her??” And again, when, washed in dread and fear, doubled over in pain, I would ask, “Did you SLEEP with her?????” Yep–then the shark eyes.
    Oh, well.

    • I had a boaster as well Steph

      I’ve said it 100’s times but when I found out he burst out laughing in my face and said

      “ you didn’t have a clue did you ? I’ve been cheating on you for months “

      He then shoved his phone in my face and scrolled through some of their text messages and said “ she loves me and I love her “
      When I called her a whore he said “ she’s not a whore Karen , she’s the woman I love “

      I don’t go pain shopping any more but when I did both of them especially her were boasting all over social media

    • The sad thing is how much they get off on our pain. How bent can someone be to siphon off the pain of those who love them to obtain a twisted form of power?

      • I think if I could understand that, it might help. I agree, it is so twisted. My ex said horrible things to me, was screaming at me for stupid things. After I found out he would spend the night with her and walk in at five in the am glaring at me.

        Then, after we were legally separated, he called and wanted to come back home. I let him, and he was ok for the first few days, then the screaming and insulting started again.

        He tried again at least two more times, but I said no. How can they think that they can treat someone like that and they will be able to just waltz back in whenever they want?

        Only took me once, so that is good. However, if I had gone straight to our preacher, or a counselor they likely would have told me to not let him come back until he got into counseling. That was a dangerous situation I put myself in.

        for those who are able to accept these guys back, and forgive, I admire them and respect their choice. I just don’t see how one ever has a happy life again living with someone who has done that to you.

        I don’t mean the one night standers, or those who are immediately sorry and contrite, I mean those who are abusive and mean to their spouses.

        • Susie Lee,

          I wonder about that, too.

          Since I’ve been very open about my ex’s whoring around, more than one married friend has confided in me that her husband has cheated on her. Both are staying with their spouses. They seem miserable.

          One said, “I’m not the same.”

          The other said, “I really don’t care what he does anymore.”

          Neither seems happy.

          I forgave a one-night stand that I learned about 10 years ago (after 25 years of marriage). He was drunk, in another country, celebrating after a game with his team. We’d been married for only 2 years at the time. My therapist chalked it up to a drunken, youthful indiscretion. I let it go.

          But now I feel like a fool. I bet there were more. Once they cross that rubicon, there’s no going back.

          • I was never sure, but I suspected my ex messed around a couple times when we were very young. First when we were home on leave, then again when he went on to HI for a few weeks before I got there. The reason I think so was he said some things that were odd, and he was especially nice to me after the fact. I never confronted him, he likely would have denied it. Or gas lighted me. I forgave it in my heart, as he was only about 20, and I had a young son to care for.

            But, he never mistreated me like he did in his exit affair. I mean it was horrible, and I just don’t think I could have ever been happy again. I am soooo glad my pick me dance didn’t work.

            By the time he tried to come back again, I had been away from him long enough to know I just couldn’t do it.

            Again for those of you who have managed it, I am happy for you, and you are a much stronger person than I am.

            • No, Susie Lee.

              How could anyone mentally, emotionally, psychically, *whole*, expect to understand these evil, fucked scumbags?

              It’s like trying to understand the motivations of a paedophile, or a serial killer.

              We can’t, because those motivations are not only totally foreign to us, they are totally foreign to anyone with a moral compass.

              * I* think that people like us, who have morals and a moral compass, are few and far between, we need to nurture each other.

              • We aren’t few and far between as evidence by the number of chumps. The problem is that we come from backgrounds where people tell the truth. People treat others how they wish to be treated. Therefore, it’s inconceivable to think that others, especially our significant other, would not follow the same code of ethics. And though we forgive, we’re dumbfounded to know that they do the same shitty things again and again. And continue to lie again and again. And have zero conscience of doing such crappy things. It’s incomprehensible…, until we finally admit to ourselves that there are skanky people in the world and we actually married one. I’m out of the marriage with the skanky person and I would much rather be single and lonely the rest of my life that have another skanky person in it. Some people have not reached that point. They are so lonely that they’ll take the chance that someone can’t possibly be as skanky as their previous ex. We need to take the time to figure out ourselves and love ourselves even if we’re alone the rest of our lives.

          • Exactly, you would, or at least I would always be fearing it starting up again. Maybe for those that do go back, they can think well at least I know now what he will do, so I will know right off.

            For me, I am pretty sure my marriage officially died in my eyes, the night I sat up all night waiting for him to come home from his whores house. It was the first week of January. It was either the 2 or 3rd of Jan. He walked in and stared at me with those cold eyes, that had turned from beautiful big blue to steel cold narrow gray.

            I had a cold weird feeling rush over me. I knew; and the next few weeks were just a matter of numbing up and getting through until we were legally separated. After that, I could actually start the detachment process.

            Over that next week or so, he moved out bit by bit for a week, while I was working. I came home one day and saw the living room closet empty, it just crushed me. So I called the locksmith and had them change the locks.

            We were not legally separated yet, and when he came home to a locked house, he told me I had no right to lock him out. I said (and I love the memory) “call a cop” (he is a cop) (Dday for me was 25 Dec of 89.)

            He was right, I had no legal right to lock him out. But, I would have blown his mess up right then and there. He had been screaming at me non stop for the last year or so, that is exactly what I would have told the cops, if he had called them. I was afraid of him by then, though the abuse was not physical yet. Doesn’t matter if he or I would have won that battle, it would be on the blotter for the local news media to pick up, and since he was well known, it would have been a big local story. He slunk away. I called him a few days later and said, I have retained a lawyer, and you need to file for divorce. He didn’t want to, he wanted me to. You know, because he didn’t want to “hurt” me. I said nope you wanted the divorce you file, at least do that one little thing for me. So he did.

            • Yup, it’s like a stranger takes them over once they have their next ‘partner’. All of a sudden we can do no right. But they don’t want to divide the assets until they are sure the other bich is worth it.

              • And what they do to you is of no importance to them.

                I honestly don’t think my ex ever admitted to himself the pain he had caused me. I know he didn’t in real time, I doubt he ever has. He turned me into as CL says a two dimensional object, so he could do what he wanted, and live with himself. Any effects to me were inconsequential to him.

                He went on to destroy his relationship with his son, I doubt he has ever given any real thought to that either. I am sure he and schmoopie have adequately blamed everyone else for their actions, yet again.

  • It still remains: “I wasn’t gonna go through with it, it was just a fantasy.” Plane tickets purchased, hotel room reserved, cash removed from bank accounts, cover lie established. Um, you’ve already gone through with it.

    • Mine confessed later to buying plane tickets with cash. Is that even possible in our post 9/11 world?

  • When I came home unexpectedly early from a solo backpacking trip, and he came rushing into the kitchen from the back of the house to meet me, disheveled, barefoot, wearing only jeans, and I said, “I see K’s boots in the entry.” (K was a friend and former student of ours who lived across the country but her in-laws lives near us. I had loaned her the cash to buy those boots so I knew damn well whose they were.) “What’s she doing here?”

    “Oh, we were watching the football game waiting for you to come home to go out to dinner.”

    “Why are you half-dressed and out of breath? And why not watch on the regular TV in the living room?” (We had a small B&W in the sore bedroom)

    “Oh, she wanted to lie down in the spare room to watch, and I decided that while she was watching I would change clothes to go out to dinner. “

    Yes, I believed it / for 27 microseconds. And then I told him I was going to the bathroom to shower and that he and the whore had better be out of my house when I got out.

  • When I discovered an email he had sent to OW telling her how beautiful her breasts were, I confronted him with it. He said that he had just seen a topless picture of her sitting at poolside. From a distance. And it was blurry.

    I believed him. What a ChumpityChumpChumpChump I was.

  • I have too many of these to even list, but count me in as another one that got a lame excuse for finding his dick pics posted to craigslist.

    I think his excuse that time was, “I was only kidding around and fucking with people on craigslist“ or some stupid shit like that that I actually somehow bought. ????

  • My XW told me she was “helping them study to become USA citizens” “babysit their kids because the mothers are in Mexico and they have to work OT” “I left my cellphone in the car so I could hike in peace around the lake”. I was such a chump to believe all this. Still haven’t forgiven myself totally.

    • Sir-

      Don’t blame yourself. I’ve helped a lot of people– somehow managing not to screw them– and am always forgetting my phone in weird places (where I was not doing anything untoward).

      She was a con artist.

      • Right! I think we all need a little self-compassion. It’s easy to look back and wonder how we could have been so blind. It’s because we are trusting souls with different values. We don’t imagine lies and cheating because we would never do such a thing.

  • My ex said she had to move 6 hours away from me snd the kids to care for her ailing mother (the same mother she hadn’t spoken to for 10 years). She bought lots of new underwear before going “because it’s a small toen and she can’t get that kind there” I was served with divorce papers 10 days after she moved. She was married less than 6 months later. But karma being what it is, her mother really is sick now and she doesn’t want her new husband anymore.

    • Hospice Chump,

      I like to think that there’s a special place in hell for somoene who uses her mother’s illnesse as an excuse to leave her family and fuck her AP. The new underwear! Geezus.

      Glad karma struck.

  • “I was sexting with her and slept with her out of respect for you since you were sick that week and I didn’t want to bother you with my requests!”

    I had a cold for about a week, in case you thought it was anything serious. Pathetic excuse honestly.

    • lol….you mean you didn’t fall to your knees and worship such a magnanimous, caring, self sacrificing husband? Noooo…..say it ain’t so…… /sarcasm

      You know in his effed up little brain he was probably thinking he was being heroic and you are too dim to grasp his greatness….. I can just about hear it – he was so kind and considerate, meeting his needs elsewhere and you so cruel and ungrateful for kicking his cheating ass out of your life. Poor little victim of his own kindness…..lmao….

  • We were separated and doing counseling for our marriage. We alternated weeks at home with the kids and exchanged cars. I found a note in the car door pocket with the name and address of a motel:
    1. Sex lube
    2. Sex toy
    3. Nightgown
    4. Jack Daniels
    5. Change of clothes for church(!)

    I snuck back into the house Monday and found her overnight bag with all these items next to our bed. The next day we had a counseling appointment. I confronted her in front of therapist with note and photo of the contents of her bag. Her response?

    “That doesn’t prove anything!”

    • Lube, toys and Jack Daniels… who in God’s name was she screwing that she needed all those palliatives? Harvey Weinstein? Shrek?

      Was there a nose clip, emetics and room spray in the bag?

      • hahaha

        Also, “5. Change of clothes for church(!)” Ah, the hypocrisy!

        • I intercepted texts between them about reading Christian marriage books together. Apparently God gave them the OK as well.

          • They were “…reading Christian marriage books together.” ????

            I have a feeling this kind of religiosity among cheaters is not uncommon. I mean it’s the perfect way to make them feel better about themselves and, as you say, to trick themselves into thinking that God has sanctioned the affair. God is Love. And we have twu love–I think that’s the deranged logic.

            In their minds, bad people don’t go to church. Ergo, we are not bad people.

            Also, I wouldn’t be at all surprised if my ex has returned to church with his schmoopie. He hadn’t gone for 20 years (and I’m areligious), but during the exit affair, he had a sudden desire to go to church. I agreed to go with him. He knew the pastor (female) and made a big show of going up to her after the service. “Look at me! I’m in church! I’m good good good.”

          • Good grief.

            My ex invited schmoopie to our church the week before he confessed he was screwing around. (though he didn’t tell me it was her until a couple weeks later. She came with her son.

            Honestly, I do not and can not understand what was going through that idiots mind. The preachers wife said, maybe he thought if she got religion, she would dump him. Lol. Who knows.

            So much crazy.

  • “I don’t want to be married because you watch Rachel Maddow and I hate that show.”

    • Ah yes, the ad hominem argument…you MUST be a monster because you enjoy a show the he doesn’t like. Geez, I got so many of these. They just look for any reason to try and avoid the fact that they’re real life monsters.

    • Mine complained that I watched Chris Matthews once in his presence. This was cause for divorce (among other lame reasons).

  • “Yes, I get together with her, but all I do is tell her how great you are!”

  • Exposed Affair on Facebook- Ex “We are just friends and I was depressed and we were just talking.”
    3 weeks later
    Ex ” I went camping to clear my Mind”.
    Me- “Why is Emotional AP posting 1/2 naked picture in the same spot you were camping?”
    Ex- “It was only Dinner.”
    Me- ” It was only dinner -3 states away-with 1/2 naked photo’s”
    Ex-“If a man wants an open marriage a woman should let him have it”
    Me- Files for divorce next day!

    You can’t make this shit up!

      • He fought and tried to delay the divorce the whole way. 2 lawyers and 18 months Later divorce finalized. I got 50% assets in a pay out and 70% and primary custody of children. By the time my lawyer got the divorce pushed through Me “Stay at home mom” had acquired a Job making more money than him. I found my dream house incredibly priced and closed on it 4 weeks after divorce. I try to live my life by the statement “ the best revenge is success”.

        • I love it.

          My ex actually got most of the assets in terms of real estate. I got a small house that was paid for. But, he got several houses that were half paid for.

          My lawyer got me a 6 month temp separation, where cheater paid my house payment on the main house and my car payment. The ex and his sad sack lawyer thought it would be over in 2 months, so he signed it. I was ready to divorce after the six months, though my lawyer could have gotten me up to three years. But, then the cheater started stalling. Still don’t know why, though I have two theories. Sometimes I wish I had kept him on the hook for another year, but I was done. Our divorce took 13 months, that was enough.

          He actually might have liked that, as one of my theories is the reason he delayed is he was trying to delay his marriage to schmoopie. She was pushing hard. He did not like to be pushed, but since he was her boss, she was his direct report; he had gotten himself into quite a pickle at work.

          The other reason I think he may have delayed is, he reached out to me several time to “talk” about working it out. I refused. I don’t think he wanted me back, I just think he needed to destabilize me.

          I wonder sometimes if he thought I would spend the rest of my life crying over him. Lol. He was just that arrogant.

          • He probably was trying to destabilize you, he needed some wife appliance work. I am sure he thinks you are still crying over him. I know (things the kids say) my Ex thinks we’re going to get back together and I miss him because I am not dating anyone. Truth is I have a family member reading the court server as I realized how nasty to me he has always been. Completely no contact. Not dating because I am focused on helping the children and building an empire. Also working on why I allowed someone to treat me so poorly.
            Mine was probably delaying because he didn’t want to marry AP and also because he knew he was going to have to pay me out of marital assets. Because he threatened me out of house in the beginning-I left with kids on advisement of police officers. With Just backpacks and clothes we were wearing. His AP left him 6 months after divorce finalized; guess she realized what he was. Pretty sure my ex is a malignant narcissist. I was married over 15 years- I have learned I am too kind and gentle. I am safer with just my small circle of people.

  • Where do I start? After sitting in my car watching her kiss him, I didn’t get the chance to confront her about this until a few weeks later. She said she didn’t kiss him and then proceeded to describe that it was a hug and reenacted it as if it was the Zapruder film.

    Of course, she like all cheaters do, claim he was a friend. Didn’t matter how many times she got caught. When she’d hide her car at a hotel and then have him pick her up there to take to his apartment so her and her family wouldn’t continue to see she was lying and seeing him, she would say “I put it there just to see if you’d say something and I could see how you were following me (predicting what she’d do was “following her”).”

  • “We were separated”

    Coincidentally, my STBXW asked for separation out of nowhere. Just a total coincidence that I found out she left me and the kids the night of her birthday to go hang out with what was supposed to be a female friend (it was her AP). Total coincidence that I caught her with him a week after asking me for separation so we could revamp and be better for the kids (LOL).

    I would later find out she ran into him at a grocery store, he was a high school ex (so cliche) and told him she was in a marriage she wasn’t sure she wanted to be in, and she was texting him at the dinner table while we were celebrating our wedding anniversary (two weeks later is when she asked for separation).

    The amount of lies this witch has told could fill several books.

  • me: what is this charge to ashley/madison on your credit card?
    x: head hunting company; I’m trying to leave my current job
    Just colour me stupid because this was back in 2006 when I never thought to look up the bloody name. Yeah a head hunting company just not recruiting the space between his ears.
    The humiliation I felt years later that I never once thought to look up that name.

    • Wasjust- this reminds me of how I accepted that prior to each business trip, the cheater would take out $200 cash from the airport ATM & then when he got back, he often took out $200 again. I never questioned the amounts: I fully trusted that they were for miscellaneous business expenses that he would be reimbursed for. Only after finding a cash withdrawal for $1000 on a business trip did I ever think to question what was going on, then I realized there was a time and place noted on the bank record of cash withdrawals. Why would anyone need $200 in a sleezy location near the airport at 11 pm? I feel better after reading Hell’s answer above regarding serial killers & Bernie Madoff. My brain & genitals never went in the direction the cheater’s went in & I’m getting less embarrassed to say I’m still connecting the dots.

      • I remember the room spinning and blood pounding in my ears when trying to comb over the secret credit card charges wracked up during cheater’s affair after my attorney asked me to do it. It exceeded my bandwidth and the reserves of my nervous system.

        If you wouldn’t do this stuff yourself, you’re doubly disadvantaged in sleuthing it out, both because your mind just doesn’t naturally go there as you aptly put it, and because the shock is almost literally blinding.

        I also remember once inspecting my rear bumper with the woman who rear ended my car in traffic and seeing NOTHING amiss. Only when I got home did I see the massive dent and the license plate folded nearly in half. No wonder the woman who crashed into me was looking at me strangely when I said “Looks fine.” Glad I got her license # and insurer anyway.

        Shock does strange things to perceptions.

        • “room spinning and blood pounding in my ears”

          That is a good description of what it feels like. It has been YEARS and I have thankfully forgotten the intensity of much of the pain but this is what it felt like when I finally found the smoking gun.

          When I learned after his death that there had been “earlier affairs” I remember my mouth suddenly getting dry and feeling my heart pump. Something in my soul died that day adnI still cant describe to you what it was.

        • ‘ It exceeded my bandwidth and the reserves of my nervous system.’
          Yes, exactly….. unfortunately my kids had to see me in that state – that’s a sad memory. And sometimes the realization of the betrayal and all it entailed comes back to knock me off my feet when I least expect it.
          The shock is blinding and protective in so many ways. Then later it’s a big gaping open wound.

  • My ex said he had an alternate online persona on multiple platforms, anonymous sex blog, contacts with people in the porn industry, etc, so that he could learn more about his sexuality and that it was a great learning opportunity and he did so much “learning” and “growing” and he was grateful for the experience. Weird that he kept all a secret and I discovered by accident. He said he felt like I was waiting for him to cheat and he didn’t understand why I didn’t trust him. News to me, I had trusted him implicitly before discovery. I let him chump me for two more years before I figured out he’d been cheating on my the entirety of our marriage. I was too busy raising an infant and toddler to see that I was playing the pick me dance. Ugh.

  • My ex claimed he didn’t know his workplace whore was married. Why? Because she wasn’t wearing a wedding ring. I guess the fact that he WAS wearing a wedding ring never occurred to him. After admitting 15 plus years of vulgar, sexual escapades he actually said ” I don’t even know why you’re mad, she was just a friend, a person I knew.” Cognitive dissonance at its finest. Since he is also a long time serial liar (obviously) it’s almost impossible to unravel this skein. Makes me tired.

  • My ex asshole told me that his ex gf, who he kept around pur entire relationship, had been mean and made him angry and bitter so he kept her around so he could turn her down.


    Then he he claimed that it was just fun to “catch up” and she “knew he was married”.

    Well it must be ok then….clearly the whore that’s on her 5th marriage and still carrying on with him has the utmost respect for marriage.

    Of course he’s still carrying on with her 2 years after I divorced him but won’t introduce her to anyone because he’s far too image conscious to be associated with such trash. I mean….what would his friends, family, and church think?

  • When confronted with his bazillions of cam girl communications (Final D-Day #3): “I’m trying to help them, to counsel them.”

    Why of course I’m sure your HVAC certificate makes you eminently qualified to give therapeutic/psychiatric advice! *insert eye roll here*

    • My ex sought her AP out for “advice” too because “he had been through it.” She and I, married for a decade with two kids, me supporting her and the kids (cause she didn’t want to work a job she didn’t like) thought we were Christian, same political beliefs supposedly. Her AP? A never-married pothead nearing 40 years old, had a bastard kid he didn’t know about for the first few years he was alive who he shared custody with from the woman he met at the juvie high school they attended, who had a girlfriend, and makes his women pay for everything including their half on dates. Oh, he was the opposite in regards to religious and political beliefs (this was after her telling me I wasn’t a good spiritual leader LOL).

      So if you want great advice about marriage, it’s totally best to ask a stoned guy who has never lived with a woman or been married, and hasn’t actually been a full-time parent or provided for anyone. Totally the best person to ask life advice from.

      • Why do they trade down so often? The AP is often poor, ugly, unpleasant… they have a good life yet they want to try to polish some turd. Very bad decision makers.

        • I am beginning to think, after many years of seeing and hearing of other folks going through it, that it really does have to do with the explination of; “you won’t find a person of quality to bed down a married man or woman”

          Yes, rich guys can get sexy young things to romp with them, but that is about money and power. Average guys/gal, they are picking from the bottom of the barrel. After all if their adultery partners could get partners easy, they wouldn’t have to resort to married folks.

          I am not speaking in absolutes of course, but in most cases. Most of these adultery partners are messed up inside, and when you are messed up inside it shows on the outside.

  • So FW started with affair partner #11 weeks after our honeymoon, and 3 months into this decided to set her up with our best man (who is still with her) and ingratiate her into our group of friends.

    He had lots of interesting excuses for why he would encourage his wife to befriend his mistress:
    -“I thought she would be a good addition to the friend group.”
    -“I thought she was an interesting person. I no longer think this.”
    -“I knew the affair was fully over.”
    -“I thought you would never find out”
    -blah blah blah “compartmentalization

    It was honestly kind of funny to see him struggle to explain behavior so obviously cruel, callous, and malicious in a manner defending his own delusional self narrative that he always loved me.

  • I’m laughing so hard and my jaw has dropped so low I can barely write. But here goes:

    To the question about where his wedding band was: “I like to twirl it on my desk and I must have forgotten it at work”

    To the question about why he had to check his assistant’s suitcase under his name: “She was above the baggage limit” And to the next question about how she found the time to shop so much if she was busy assisting a big meeting in Miami: crickets. And chump here got bullied into spending the weekend calling the airline’s lost luggage line.

  • “I was organising a threesome for us”

    (Hadn’t bothered asking me about it)

    “Ok it’s a guy”

    (Me locked in bathroom trying to reunlock his phone screaming who TF is it after seeing a girl on girl porn gif in his messages while I was googling something on his phone because kids had mine)

    And my favourite

    “Nothing happened”

    (Too many times to mention, but favourite favourite was when I walked in on him and our lawyer, in my garden, whilst pregnant, both had their pants off, had been doing buddy movie dates for years, I even found a condom in his pocket after one night while we were trying to get pregnant so something definitely happened, and he didn’t use condoms with women)

    • Your LAWYER?!

      Uh, please tell me you informed your state bar association?

    • Well, hopefully he saved you from anything infectious by using condoms. The depths to which these testosterone-saturated fools will go to get their rocks off…

  • “You and I were never an item, so I don’t see why you’re so upset.”

    We’d been dating for two months. He’d just told me he loved me and asked me to move across the country for him.

    Found out later he had a fiancee, so I have no idea what his plan was for this cross-country move. Was I supposed to move in with him and his fiancee?

  • When ex beeyotch was caught having purchased and used birth control for her secret visit to my cousin…”It’s your and your son’s fault because you looked at the Suicide Girls website. I bought it only out of jealousy and then threw it away”.

  • I think I can top that.

    When I found lube in the back seat of the car he said, “oh I forgot, I bought that for us.”

    When I found his computer opened to porn and two tabs opened to local whore house contact pages (it’s legal here) he said that, “you don’t know how porn works. I was looking at porn and I wanted to look at images of local women so I could fantasize about them.” I said, “you were looking at their contact pages, not photos.” And he stuck to his story that, “oh my god! You’re just so naive about how men get off.”

    When I found out about his girlfriend he said, “I did that for you. It was safer for me to have a girlfriend.”

    There’s more but. I can’t stomach writing them down!

  • On my asking what was up, after finding out about/confirming Affair #2 (6 or 7 years after #1).

    ‘Do you think I have the time for an affair?’

    When I asked, what about Shmoops?

    ‘She’s not even that attractive, have you seen her?’

    That’s reassuring, you wouldn’t be unfaithful because you don’t have time and the woman making herself available isn’t that attractive …..

    I totally should have left him because of Affair #1, but at least by Affair #2 I had smartened up.

  • Those condoms in work travel toilet bag… just in case he wanted to masterbate on the work trip. Yep ‘just-a-friend coworker was on trip but he HATED her now.

    Just his sister sending all the whatsapp messages while I cooked dinner. asked “is she OK?” (3am there) “yep”…soon after saw a long name pop up (sister has a very short name)

    On finally leaving him “I would NEVER have left you”. Sigh.

  • I found out by seeing texts that my now ex-wife was pregnant and talking to her affair partner about the fact it could be his child. I confronted her and she claimed that while they did come close to having sex, she never actually had sex with him. That he, and adult man, did not understand what it took to get a woman pregnant. So he thought it might be his baby but she assured me it was not possible.

    Here is the real topper though. This man was a medical professional. Some how he must have missed a lot of course work over the years.

  • Ok, I seem to be coming a little out of my silly period here.

    So, other than what I mentioned about in my reply to BBM above, the other thing I remember most about D-day is the FW XW saying to me that, “you just got so negative!”, referring to my depression of those past 4 years. And I get that I wasn’t a thrill to be around, as I battled depression and a lack of energy by my development of diabetes.

    What I do know now, thanks to CL and CN, is that if the FW XW was so unhappy with me, and our marriage, is she could have talked better to me about fixing it, or failing at or failing to do THAT, she could have said she wanted to separate, and/or divorce, without having the affair w/her POS boss. It would’ve been much harder to come back from that mentally and heart-wise, but I would have had a lot more respect for her, and probably could have remained at the very least cordial w/her.

    Because even in the midst of my depression and diabetes, I continued to try to show her that I loved her, in multiple and constant ways. Not the ways she cared about, obviously. But I did try.

    But she didn’t, and now I’m practicing hard grey rock w/her. And she doesn’t understand why. And that’s her fucking problem, not mine.

  • When caught texting venue owner (20 years younger) we met at a wedding and spoke with for 20 minutes, during dinner, which he has never done, male or female.

    Him: she asked me to do some work on her venue.
    Me: what is she paying you?
    Him: nothing.
    Me: so you’re driving an hour and a half each way for work you’re not getting paid for after work and on weekends?
    Him: yes, her husband is a bad guy and I’m trying to help her out.
    Me: so, why didn’t you tell me about it like you always do in case of scheduling conflicts?
    Him: I wanted to firm things up first, make sure she wanted me to do it, you know, to see if she remembered me and responded to my text.
    Me: if you’re doing it for free, why would you care?

  • Mine told me he was distraught from the death of his father. I asked him, who uses their dead dad as an excuse for cheating?? He said he can’t believe I’m disrespecting his late father like that.

    • Dear God. Mine used death as a justification, too.

      “She consoled me on the anniversary of my brother’s suicide.” Bingo! My dick is at attention. Hop in bed. Who wouldn’t?

      And yours truly forgot the anniversary. I actually apologized profusely for this (in my chumpiest way). But it had been over 30 years since his brother’s suicide and, well, I’m not good with dates.

      Also, just realized that my ex never remembered or consoled me on the anniversary of my own parents’ deaths (only 10 years ago). And I only realized this after we were divorced, which really reveals how small I made my own needs after years of his shit. It was a life of double standards.

      He used his siblings’ (yes two!) suicides to earn sympathy (kibbles!) and get women. Heck, he used his grief and victimhood to keep *me* sympathetic to him and in a constant state of worry that he would follow suit. What control! He acted depressed and moody always and frequently alluded to “wanting to disappear.” (Yes, he was in therapy). That kept the kibbles flowing his way. I supplied them!! I catered to him. Ugh.

      Oddly enough, when all hell broke loose (D-Day), he said he didn’t want to be married to someone who worried he would commit suicide.

      The OW worried about his feelings on the anniversary of this brother’s death, therefore SHE’S ALL GOOD.

      His wife spent decades consoling him and propping him up because I worried that he might get so depressed that he might kill himself. Therefore, I’M ALL BAD.

      My head hurts.

  • Of the five D days in the many many years of gaslighting 23 yr married , X-McCheaterpant , had a PhD in gaslighting, my favorite out of the five had to be when I read an article about Ashley Madison in time magazine and realized that the initials ADV on our credit card statement were for the deluxe Ashley Madison account, asked him about it, He denied it oh my gosh my credit card must’ve been stolen and breached,and he went so far as to call PayPal and claim his number had gotten stolen and it really wasn’t his account after PayPal came back and said yes it is to me, because it was one Of our business credit cards he claimed he joined “ just to see what was out there” ….and I should understand that unfortunately I was an ostrich at the time and the queen of spackle and I bought it (two small children under 10 at the time one a a year old) , but at the time I bought this, I did tell him that I loved him but I didn’t really need him so if anything like that ever happen again it was over . 5 years later I quit the reconciliation complex
    I found chump nation ???? we’re divorced now…. we live in a reciprocity state and at the end was he was sloppy giving me all the ammunitions and ducks ???? I lined them up in a row gave them all to my talented lawyer ! Hello settlement ! In the end I turned out to be one of the lucky ones I know it doesn’t go that way for a lot of people but for me As the saying goes you can’t fix STUPID and McCheaterpants While thinking he was very clever in the end he was really just stupid


      Kudos to you!!

      Turns out that mine was very stupid, too, which I used to my advantage in the divorce. Helps to hire a better lawyer, too! Why he hired a crappy lawyer recommended by his therapist is beyond me. And why he confessed in writing to all his shit (I printed everything) is a head scratcher.

      I would classify him (a physician) as a high IQ moron.

      Is it supidity or something else? Carelessness? Impulsivity? Delusional thinking? Entitlement that blinds? I don’t know. Maybe it’s just plain stupidity.

      • Spinach, I think in my cheaters case, he was just that arrogant. He was a life long controller, and I believe he honestly thought I, and everyone else would just step in line and buy their bullshit. I had bought it for years, I guess he had reason to think I would. But others? What the hell was he thinking?

      • Hey Spinach & Susie Lee
        I think they all just have the same sad sausage playbook like you said delusional, irresponsible, shallow, the list goes on and on, no matter how wide and long a puddle is you can’t dive into it ,it’s still too shallow!
        Mine went to far in his stupidity that he decided he didn’t need a lawyer that he could read the separation post nuptial document and be his own lawyer… Which was great for me because he thought it was well done and he signed it I think he regrets that now oh well, He’s Now playing The Staring Role of sad sausage, it just makes it easier for him to be pitiful for his next victims , and luckily an epic fail with his kids which he also detached from and ghosted for years

  • Of the five D days in the many many years of gaslighting 23 yr married , X-McCheaterpant , had a PhD in gaslighting, my favorite out of the five had to be when I read an article about Ashley Madison in time magazine and realized that the initials ADV on our credit card statement were for the deluxe Ashley Madison account, asked him about it, He denied it oh my gosh my credit card must’ve been stolen and breached,and he went so far as to call PayPal and claim his number had gotten stolen and it really wasn’t his account after PayPal came back and said yes it is to me, because it was one Of our business credit cards he claimed he joined “ just to see what was out there” ….and I should understand that unfortunately I was an ostrich at the time and the queen of spackle and I bought it (two small children under 10 at the time one a a year old) , but at the time I bought this, I did tell him that I loved him but I didn’t really need him so if anything like that ever happen again it was over . 5 years later I quit the reconciliation complex
    I found chump nation ???? we’re divorced now…. we live in a reciprocity state and at the end was he was sloppy giving me all the ammunitions and ducks ???? I lined them up in a row gave them all to my talented lawyer ! Hello settlement ! In the end I turned out to be one of the lucky ones I know it doesn’t go that way for a lot of people but for me As the saying goes you can’t fix STUPID and McCheaterpants While thinking he was very clever in the end he was really just stupid.

  • “It just happened,” repeatedly for 8 months. I guess I better get a chastity belt for falling dicks!

  • I got a list of all the women he ‘could have had’ but was too virtous to sleep with. Even though they were throwing themselves at his feet. The OW was just a ‘friend’ who he was helping out.

    • Me too. He could have had one night stands I was told. He had the opportunity, but he didn’t, because he wanted more than that, he wanted someone who would ‘nourish his soul’

      While not an excuse per se I mean talk about grind your face in it. Thinking about it now I think when he said this I didn’t yet know about the OW, this was just one of the myriad of things thrown at me about why we were splitting.

      So confusing actually even now. But you realise it’s just mud slinging en masse to see what hurts, what sticks, what puts you off the scent, what you might believe.

  • Mine told me he bought the sex worker a meal and a hotel room to help her out because she was homeless. He was there for precisely an hour because it took a long time to check into the hotel. He paid her a few hundred dollars because he was being a good guy. He was shocked that I didn’t appreciate how decent he was to her.

    On another occasion he said he went to a hooker appointment but chickened out and sat in the parking lot, again, precisely an hour. He paid her because he felt bad for cancelling last minute.

    (I knew how long he was at both locations via google location history)

  • When I saw “hi” from her pop up on WhatsApp (I didn’t even KNOW he had that app…) at 5:15 in the morning while we were lying in bed, cuddling and watching a video on his phone on one of the rare mornings when I decided to sleep in and not go to the gym, I said, “I didn’t know you had WhatsApp?” (Let alone why is she texting you at 5:15am…especially when I’m normally gone at this time, but I didn’t go there yet…) And he said, “Oh we went to a work meeting where they said if we text each other about work stuff, then if there is a lawsuit, the families can subpoena the texts but if we text through WhatsApp, they can’t.” Yes, dear, I’m sure she was texting you “hi” at 5:15 in the morning to start a conversation about “work stuff”. ????????‍♀️

    When I started waking up in the middle of the night and realizing he was moving into the guest room after I fell asleep, he said it was because I was snoring (we’d been married 20 years, and he’d never done this before – and HE snores, so… ????????‍♀️). Yes of course I realized later when he was ACTUALLY doing in that guest room. ????

    Then he stopped being able to “finish the job” with me when we were having sex (right after their sexting/mutual pleasure sessions began in that now-contaminated “guest room” – but yes I’m sure that was just a coincidence). He blamed ME, saying my “angle and rhythm” were wrong. He would grab at my body and try to adjust it certain ways or prop me up better, etc. He’d say: “I don’t know what you’re doing, but you’re doing something wrong with your angle or something and I just can’t finish”. LIES.

    When the truth finally started to trickle out, I tried for 3 hours to get him to tell me the truth about whether they had been sexting each other. At this point, I knew I was dealing with an emotional affair, but I was trying to find out if it had turned sexual yet or not. I flat out asked, “Are you texting with her about sexual things?” He said, “Yes, but just about the students, like if one is acting out sexually or has an abuse history, we’ll discuss that sometimes…” I kept asking. So then it evolved to, “Well we asked each other about our own sexual histories and partners and talked about that.” I finally had to spell it out: “Do. You. Tell. Each. Other. What. You’d. Like. To. Do. To. Each other’s. Bodies?” ……….pause…….. “Well, yes.”

    Idiots. ????

    • Oh and how could I forget?! When I knew they were going to start having sex imminently (yes, they planned this out very intentionally and were kind enough to inform me of their wonderful, beautiful plans), I asked him to please at the very least use a condom to protect me. After their “first time”, a few days later…I got my first ever yeast infection. I’m 45 years old and have NEVER had a yeast infection, ever. I asked him if he’d used a condom and he said, “Well, no, we talked about it and decided she would go in to her doctor and get tested for everything. So she did and she doesn’t have any STD’s.” ????????????‍♀️

      Oh and something else gross…we all three work for the same school district. So I can see both of their work calendars on my work calendar. When he started going over to her house one Sunday per month to “visit”, I could see the Sunday hours they spent together blocked out on both their calendars. But they had it set to private, so I couldn’t see what it said….which was infuriating, I was dying of curiosity. So, finally, he left me alone editing something for him on his work laptop downstairs one morning while he went upstairs for a minute. Yep, you betcha I opened that damn calendar up before his foot even hit the top step! I looked at the “Sunday events” (there were only 3 scheduled so far at that point). They were events created by her that she invited him to, and he had accepted, and they were simply titled, “Joy”, “Hope” and “Wonder”. DISGUSTING. I literally almost puked. ???? What is wrong with these people?

      God dammit he’s an asshole.

        • Chumpknowmore,
          Not yet. ????
          That’s why I’m reading this blog fervently and have joined the Facebook group. I just don’t know how to make myself do it. We’ve now been doing this for almost 2 years. It sucks, a lot.

          • I am so sorry. This is indeed a difficult decision to make.

            I am thankful that at least initially, my ex left me for the OW. I didn’t have to decide.

            Hurt like hell, but I didn’t have to decide upfront.

      • TCCOA – Please know you are worth more than being ABUSED by two heartless narcissists who are getting off on your pain. I take it from what you said that you are still sleeping with him, which is really a form of pick me dancing. Please stop and even if it’s just looking at contacting one lawyer to interview, to find out what the possibilities are and stop punishing yourself by being so interested in what they’ve got going on together. Their connection is based on sex, smugness and delusion, you are allowing him to carry on this lifestyle by contributing your income to the triangle, I am not sure if she is married or otherwise partnered, but please talk to your friends, if you haven’t already. This situation is mind-bending, the pain is finite, but you need to get unstuck and take a few baby steps, even if you start a private account that he’s not aware of and put some money away every week as your ‘freedom fund’, just so when you feel strong enough, the means will be there. Do you have children together?

        • And he’ll probably say your sexlessness lead to his cheating, so why worry if he says it again?

          • Sorry, I didn’t see your comment above the lower one. He’s a dog and he has systematically broken you down with his bullshit. Know you deserve better, even if you don’t feel it in your heart and mind yet, take some steps to open up the possiblilities. Even if you don’t act on them, inform yourself so you know what is doable if you find one day that you’ve had enough.

          • Yes as well as about one thousand other things that you did that ’caused him to do it’ so get armoured up. At least having visited here you can be ready to know that this is par for the course and not be chump in believing everything he says.

  • And the most sickening thing is how outraged they behave when we see right through their lame ass stories. They get mad at US for invading their ‘privacy’ and being horrible suspicious people.

    Their minds are truly gutter trash. Greedy, grasping, self righteous, conniving, deviant pigs.

    • I’ve kept all of the texts from my ex after she raged at me for “ruining her reputation” (telling the truth about what she was doing-aka cheaters care about reputation instead of character/integrity- because reputation is what people think you are; character/integrity is who you know you are).

      She also raged at me for telling her AP’s girlfriend. I mean she went nuts. She gaslighted me and turned me catching her cheating as “scaring her.” Everything is always my fault (just like in our marriage).

      They have no ability to self reflect and go into pure meltdown mode at being exposed.

      • >>They have no ability to self reflect and go into pure meltdown mode at being exposed.
        Both my Ex and my father are like this. Rage is one of their only coping skills.

    • Mitz, yes, 1000x times yes.

      They get outraged by how we react. So now, in their deranged minds, we’re even! Why, yes they may have betrayed us, but goddammit, we got suspicious and/or simply reacted terribly to it all. Our bad!

  • “You’re not supposed to read those texts! It’s an invasion of privacy!”
    When I found the archived messages on Whatsapp, and I wanted to throw his damn phone on the wall of the Airbnb we were staying at because I followed him along for a conference. He brought up this point constantly after, that I invaded his privacy by reading the texts of them calling each other husband and wife after 2 months of knowing each other (yes, she’s as crazy as he is.)

    That was the first thing I remember, and everything else was a blur because I was shocked and reeling from grief. He went to sleep just fine, while I was crying by the washing machine and he didn’t even want to talk to me.

    Later on it would be this gem, when he took me on a 3-day trip to mindfuck me to accept his cake-eating ways and to suck it up and let him do whatever he wanted:
    “I have to go on a long trip, and I have to wrap our relationship away nicely, and put you in a safe place so that I can rediscover myself again without harming you in the process.” High on hopium, I didn’t understand what that meant, and at one point I thought it was noble of him (barf) but then again, he was still lying through his teeth about having sex with her, etc, so I didn’t exactly have the full picture. He knew this, and manipulated me so that his image would be intact.

    Geez, I was such a chump.

    The process of un-chumping began when I felt like stabbing myself to stop the pain, and realise I need to blow this shit up because this is what it is – bull shit.

    • Definitely BS. Also “invaded privacy”. Cheater raged (with false equivalency) that was just as bad.

  • ” He knew this, and manipulated me so that his image would be intact.”

    God, that manipulation. “I need to get my head on straight, give me space and don’t tell anyone” “I know it will work out between us, I just need some time”

    What he needed time4 for was to try and mitigate the hell he was facing at work for fucking his direct report.


    Almost one month I did his bidding, living in shock (thank goodness) because if I had not been in shock, there would have likely been a homicide, and I would be in prison. Luckily about 3 ish weeks later, I snapped called my Dad, and Dad said blow that crap wide open. So I started making calls. To my friends, to our preacher, I called his boss (the mayor) told him, I didn’t want to cause him (the mayor) any trouble; but he needs to make sure this idiot stays the hell away from me.

    What I didn’t know was that just a couple weeks before Christmas (and before my D-day) my cheater had petitioned the city counsel to get schmoopie a raise. Of course they didn’t know he was fucking schmoopie. When they found out, they wanted him fired, but the mayor did some quick dancing and came up with a “reorg plan” that busted my cheater and another police officer who was also screwing around on his wife.

    • Exactly. The selfish things these asswipes say is just mind boggling.

      Mine also told me that “I don’t think we can reconcile if your parents knew about this. So don’t tell anyone.”

      As a response to my plea for him to end the affair:
      “But she would be so crushed!! She would be so destroyed!!” (they were fucking around for 3 months, and he was her boss.) At that moment, I had the sense to wonder “WHAT ABOUT ME OVER HERE, HUH?”

      Gosh, that period was surreal.

      • It’s especially hurtful when they seem to care about the OW’s feeling more than ours.

        I got that, too.

      • Yep, he said that she would be destroyed and she had noone else in her life that understood her, she was very sensative and fragile. Oh okay, so just as well I am made of boot leather so none of this affects me. It is horrible when they put the feelings of the third party before their supposed partners, but realistically it tells you all you need to know.

  • He said he wanted to cheat but he never would do that.

    After I had proof.

    He said it would approve our marriage.

    It did end marriage .
    Which approved it:)

  • Mine said that his teen girlfriend got him drunk, took advantage of him and then black mailed him into having more sex and that he never really wanted to do any of it.

    Wow she must be a gangster

  • Yep. The evil bitch obviously held a gun to his head. Ffs.

    In passing, how many men actually *could* get it up with a gun held to their head? ????????

  • This is pretty lame compared to all that has been written before. My ex ass wipe when I found Viagra in the console of his car looking for some chewing gum “I know this looks bad but I never knew when you might show up after walking out on me”. I left the state and always let him know when I was coming into town to get the rest of my things. What a douch bag! I never looked back after that because I knew he was “damaged goods” and not worth any more of my energy or time!

  • I called him because he knows what company has the best rental car rates. (Of course, plumbers are always renting cars). Next one: (Why did he send a message (at 12:02am New Years Day) that said Happy New Years, too? Her answer: I don’t know. This one is the best after getting a hold of all the cell phone bills since we were dating (committed) and there were hundreds of calls to her ex…on the way to work, driving home from work, lunchtime at work, etc; (I threw them in front of her…all 100 pages worth scattered everywhere and put one in front of her eyes and said “explain”. Her explanation: “Verizon made a mistake in their billing. It’s computerized and it’s a mistake. I will call them in the morning”. So, I said, “that’s your best excuse, of all the numbers in the world available to make a computer glitch, it’s your ex! That’s your excuse?”. She says, “I swear to God” (Jesus Cheater).

    • When my ex said that the phone calls on the Verizon statement were a mistake, I said, “Dick. You’re talking to a computer expert. Computers don’t make mistakes.” And I am, and he couldn’t argue with me. This stupid computer expert still chose to believe the cheater. The hopium smoke was really addictive back then.

  • When I discovered Mr. Asshole had tried to call the “church lady” bimbo and I discovered on phone records he said “I was testing you to see if you were snooping on me. ” I also got lots of “I can’t remember.” Also, Schoopie’s husband was always beating her down. Gee, I can sure identify with that! I’ve never been so beat down in my life. I am still in the marriage, but so over it. Just trying to find the right time. We own a business together. Our son works for us. I’m having a hard time figuring the best way. Asshole also has a drinking problem he will not address. I have given him a timeline to get help. He probably won’t do anything. I feel like Super Chump.

    • Some of us are worse than you “Super Chump”. You will be free, just get all of your ducks in order first. Make sure that you take care of yourself first. Let the asshole fall completely on his face. Have no mercy.

  • My fuckwit blamed his little brother.
    You see, his little brother had a terrible accident and became paralyzed from the waist-down.
    My fuckwit explained that he had to devote all of his time and energy into being his brother’s caretaker, that he forgot that he wasn’t supposed to fuck the next door neighbor.

    “That is almost a good excuse,” you definitely do not think to yourself, because you are sane, “it is difficult to be a person’s caretaker.”


    Except you see…

    Except you see, my fuckwit was NOT his brother’s caretaker. My fuckwit’s brother lived over 2,000 miles away and was living as a professional extreme sports para-athlete and trained for the Olympics. The only way I could see the two being related is that my fuckwit had to do Olympic-levels amount of mental gymnastics to think that I’d buy such bullshit!

  • “People get naked in front of their coworkers all the time!”


  • Can I use your phone to see if I prefer Android to Apple, I asked! Yeah sure, oh wait, no, no, sorry, I don’t like people going through my phone she replies????. People? I’m your BF!
    I pressed the issue and she said she took some photos of herSelf in a dress that she had, to try and put a bit of spark back in to our relationship of 2yrs and make me love her again. I didn’t know I’d stopped tbhwy! We hadn’t been intermit with each other for about 4 months. (And that was outa the blue since she got the news her gran had been poorly and sadly passed away). I’ve never done that before, take photos and I feel ashamed; I didn’t want to delete them because you might of thought something was up she replied!!!
    Oh ok, I said, so can I see the photos? No, she said, I’m to ashamed of them!!! O, K, can I try your phone then? No, she replied. I asked if there was someone else, she blow up (I’ve been chumped before you see). I know you’d think that blah blah blah was her crappy reply. No comforting or empathy considering my passed experience.

    Grief was to blame for our sex life, more or less, coming to an end because of her gran passing. Yet, she was still able to function at work, go out with her friends with out me and do and post on Tick Tock; there was lots of exercising, I mean lots. One of the guys at work and her are doing a fitness challenge together, it’s ok he’s married. Again this came outa the blue.
    Before lock down she had made plans of what she’d like to do for her birthday, this included me. Then, all of a sudden she wanted to spend the day at work because it was her birthday and she can do what she wants!!
    There’s to much To list really and I’d be interested in your thoughts on this little snippet????
    I moved out. I’m Not being taken for a fool again.

    Pps: it’s no-wounded I’m paranoid, she said, following this site, I was told this after I posted Something In a comments column????????.

  • It does not top it, but my ex said he was collecting photos of women off the website I met him on, for his friend’s foreign dating website (to post fake profiles on it). Er yeah, course you were and I was born yesterday….ugh!

  • “I’m helping her with her divorce! She needed someone!”

    “Now she can help you with yours” (mic drop)