My ex-wife (20-year marriage) went to my therapist. (Chump that I am, I recommended that the cheating ex-wife use my therapist to save money because she knew the story.) Now she wants me to go to a meeting with her this coming Monday the 14th!
Therapist called, told me it was about finding out about what went wrong, and to learn and build from there.
I read a lot on CL — I feel like I’ve fallen into a trap!
History: Dated 5 years; married 20 years, two children 19 and 15 awesome girls, (they know). I’ve been divorced now 8 months. I asked her to stop talking/texting/Facebooking with Hector and she said no. I said goodbye!
My wife’s mother was ill for 2 years and passed away. I gave 110% (maybe an underestimate as I’m a chump) following her death. A few months later my wife is lying, gaslighting. I thought I was going CRAZY. I enlisted a therapist several months later and put it all together. My ex (a first-grade teacher) was cheating with a co-worker for at least two years. (It might be longer.)
I lost 35 lbs. For two years, I slept maybe 3 to 4 hours a night. I’ve kept my job so far (not sure how)?
Divorced, she got half, kids are in the middle (I don’t say anything bad). She calls occasionally, as if nothing has changed….this KILLS ME! Like she did nothing wrong.
So on Monday, how do I handle confrontation with my cheater?
I sacrificed for her mother and she choose to spend that time with Hector? I asked her how she was on a regular basis, and she chose to share her emotions with Hector? I asked her to go out for fun vacations and she turned me down to be with Hector.
Do I dare ask her about this? I’m pissed!
What would you do?
What would I do? Hmmm. In how many languages can you say “No fucking way”?
Dear God man, un-chump yourself! Say NO. And while you’re at it, dump the therapist. Why on earth would you go to therapy with your cheating ex? That’s like going to remedial driving school with the drunk driver who hit you. You’re not the bozo who plowed into a semi. You’re the chump who went splat.
She and the therapist want you to help them figure out what went wrong?
Fucking Hector for two years is what went wrong.
I sacrificed for her mother and she choose to spend that time with Hector?
I asked her how she was on a regular basis, and she chose to share her emotions with Hector?
I asked her to go out for fun vacations and she turned me down to be with Hector.
I think these actions clearly demonstrate why you are divorced. I have a pretty good handle on it in three sentences and I don’t even have a masters in social work! (Your therapist and ex might be slower learners. Not your problem.)
The only reason to go to that idiotic “confrontation” is so your ex (and probably the shrink) can get you to own what you did to make her cheat. Then you’ll have the same “understanding” and Can Be Friends For The Kids.
Fuck that shit.
Maybe you should explain the dissolution of your marriage to your ex in first grade teacher language she can understand?
- Don’t take things that aren’t yours.
- Clean up your messes.
- Use your words, not your genitals.
Failing that, maybe some arts and crafts? A Hector paint-by-number? An adultery diorama? A puppet show?
Anyway, Chris, her understanding of the divorce isn’t your responsibility. Here are your obligations — abide by the court order for another three years. Pay child support (if it’s ordered), maintain the custody schedule, communicate with the ex by email or scheduling software. You only have one minor child who is 15. Heck, the schedule is probably up to her.
Here are things you are NOT obliged to do — a) pick up the phone and let her make friendly chit-chat with you. b) Go to therapy with her. c) Let her think you’re friends.
Does that make you churlish, bitter, scorned?
No. That makes you a man who is moving on with his life.
If you’re keen on therapy, go find a new shrink to teach you boundaries and the beauty of NO. No, I don’t have to accommodate you. No, I don’t have to soothe your discomfort. No, I’m busy then. NO.
Call the shrink and cancel.
This one ran before. Travel day….