Stay in Touch

Check out CL's Book

The ‘People Pleaser’ Excuse

Share on twitter
Share on facebook
Share on reddit
Share on whatsapp
Share on pinterest
Share on pocket
Share on print
Share on email

I used to see this “wayward” excuse all the time on infidelity RIC forums — the cheater isn’t a vapid, selfish, destructive person. No! They’re a people pleaser.

See, she cheated on you for the noblest of motives — to please another person. He wasn’t a horrid man — the OW needed him.

Unicorns buy this crap.

Eustace was just seeking validation in all the wrong places. You see, his mother never complimented him. She was all, “Tuck in your shirt” and “Wherever you left it” and this crushed his spirit. He longed to be… special. And so began a lifelong quest for kibbles.  Eustace learned to flirt, cajole, and charm. People liked him! But deep down, Eustace didn’t like himself. So, when his self-esteem began to flag, he would promise to buy total strangers puppies, or bake them cupcakes, or snow shovel their driveways. People loved him! Of course, these things never materialized. Eustace was a people pleaser. What matters here are Eustace’s intentions. Is there a bereft seven-year-old child awaiting Godot the cocker spaniel? Hey, Eustace was just trying to say something nice. If you actually expected a puppy, that’s on you.

Next, Eustace grows up to be a sex addict because he’s got “poor coping mechanisms” for stress. The stress that comes from people expecting him to keep his word about shit.

Were you married to Eustace? At some point you probably asked yourself, “Hey, I am a ‘people.’ Don’t you wish to please me?”

Silly goose! Chumps are un-pleasable. Oh Eustace tries and tries, but nothing is ever good enough. This makes him sad. He needs to go fuck someone he met on Craigslist now to escape your judgement.

This one ran before. No puppies yet.

Share on twitter
Share on facebook
Share on reddit
Share on whatsapp
Share on pinterest
Share on pocket
Share on print
Share on email

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
    • Mine would say, “You are never satisfied!” As in “I blew the leaves off the patio last year! Isn’t that good enough for you?!” My response, which shut him up was, “I gave you a BJ last week, so I never have to do it again, right?”

      The emotional immaturity of cheaters is gob-smacking.

    • Mhmm mine always said “Im damned if I do, damned if I don’t” So basically he would always do exactly what he wanted to do – never the thing I said I needed.. Like I’d ask him to have family dinner and he would use that lie. Guess its basically what you’re saying – totally unaccountable!
      They all just seem to have their own personal phrasing of the same thing.

  • Isn’t this just part of untangling the skein? Searching for the *reason* why someone does shitty things doesn’t change the fact that he does shitty things. The more fundamental question is always “Are the shitty things he does acceptable to you?”

    For instance, my XW is not evil. She didn’t have an affair and blow up two 20-year marriages because she wanted to hurt me. She did it because she has zero loyalty (either personally or professionally), struggles with the concept of empathy, and basically doesn’t care one iota what happens to me. Understanding this doesn’t change anything in my life. We’re divorced. I would never take her back, even if she offered it. She won’t go out of her way to destroy my life for no reason, but if an opportunity came her way that required her to throw me under the bus (say, a job in another state for which she’d need to take my kids away with her) she’d do it in a heartbeat. So the fact that she has no animus towards me doesn’t change that I need to treat her with mistrust and defensiveness in every interaction.

    The “why” doesn’t matter, for practical purposes. I’m not fully at meh – I still get disproportionately angry at petty insults that XW hurls when I don’t comply with her wishes – but I think understanding that is the first step towards it.

    • Sir. I’ve been there. The insults for standing my group used to hurt but learned over the years to look at her and laugh…wow did that piss her off. And the times she”offered” to try to work things out got tiresome. The offers stopped when ( she found out I was dating again) I told her I’d rather get a B. J. From an alligator

    • true.

      I liken it to rowing away… my XW also is of little evil so the pace I moved away wasn’t so hurried.
      And so the “why” was considered but the boundaries were built and heavily maintained.

      And now I see her for who she is (or as I now understand her) and that helps. She simply didn’t love me, she might never know true love. And what a bummer for her.

      On occasion an insult will fly over, but even if they hit, they don’t sting.

    • Georgian,

      Damn well said. Harsh, but simply true.

      The DOCTOR told me once in the divorce process (via email) that he wished me “no harm”. Really? WOW…b/c if he did wish me harm, I guess he’d have murdered me AND our kids and the dog.

      The DOCTOR was perfectly fine lying under oath (which shocked me but then, I never really knew him)

      and he stole an entire bank account of joint funds, refused to pay court ordered monies, cut off our youngest’ child’s tuition WHILE blaming me for “taking all HIS money” (which he had not paid ANY of for a year!!!)…

      I almost admire his ability to lie to me and about me and to our children, and assume none of us tell each other and confirm – but I think part of the entitlement manifests in their “right to be believed” no matter how insane, contradictory or brazen the lie. He’d become angry and BITTER when disbelieved/caught in a lie. He’d lie more!

      The DOCTOR said he’d retired (as if) and had no income. So I had to go all Jerry Springer on him and hire a PI who filmed him treating patients, with his NAME on the SIDE OF THE BUILDING, advertising, giving presentations, AND performing procedures!!!…

      So then he said it was all “volunteer work” , which he’d never done in our 35 year marriage…

      Incredible, laughable, infuriating, but also NOT worth my energy anymore.

      Besides, the irony (and karma) of it is that his lies & his utter lack of insight into how HIS lies are viewed, backfire on HIM now. Not me. Not the kids.

      He’s a dot on the horizon and he’s getting smaller and smaller…as is appropriate.

      Good luck Georgian, I hope you find a solid normal woman. We exist.

      • Yep, I remember the “I never meant to hurt you” crap.

        Sure glad about that, would hate to see what he would have come up with if he had meant to hurt me.

        • Beyond, “I never meant to hurt you,” I got, “I hope we can remain friends. I will always care about how you’re doing.” What a bunch of BS (unless,in his own effed-up way, he meant it. Who knows?)

          • Oh absolutely. Right after he tried to get me to share his lawyer. I said no, he said well I hope we can eventually be friends. I said no, I am particular about who my friends are.

            I am civil at family events which are far and few now, but never friends.

        • “My kids think I’m shit. My wife is brokenhearted. Oh well, fuck ’em! A whole bunch of other people who don’ t really matter think I’m a great guy!”

          Really sums up the cheater/narc mindset, I think. 🤢

        • Yes, I got something similar, when he came over to collect his stuff. (I’d already started divorce proceedings).

          I hadn’t intended to speak to him, but when he asked me to come outside, “so we can talk” (my brother was in the room with me), I said, “absolutely not, I have nothing to. say to you” – can’t remember what *he* said next, but I remember saying, “so why all the lies” his reply, “I didn’t want to hurt you!”

          He also accused me of ” throwing 23 years down the drain”, to which I said nothing, there was just no point.

      • ” but I think part of the entitlement manifests in their “right to be believed” no matter how insane, contradictory or brazen the lie.” YES!! My story is similar – although it didn’t take long for me to realize that he DID mean me harm… “I’ll starve you out”.. that was no lie… Very quickly i lost my position as the goddess who birthed him a son and gave him a family, to just another sidepiece in his long life of sidepieces

  • I think in fact it is *chumps* who are the real “people pleasers”, not the cheaters.

    We are the ones who bend over backwards to try to please the cheater, which of course can never be done, because of their never ending demands for kibbles; and when these are given, they immediately switch the goal posts.

    Cheaters aren’t ” people pleasers”, they are people *users* – any ‘pleasing’ they do is solely for impression management purposes, to make themselves feel momentarily good about themselves, and to salt the mine for the next victim.

    • Oh so true. Sounds just like my x. And others think they’re great people because they help others. It took awhile to realize they do it for themselves and the praise they get.

      • That is so true. I did almost anything to pleass my ex. I bought him gifts. He kept most of his pays to himself. Restored a 1970 Dodge Dart. I rarely asked for anything. His excuse why he cheated with Skankella was that she was fun. She was happy all the time. I on the other hand was boring and seemed depressed all the time.

        I was depressed. I gave everything and got nothing. He was verbally abusive. But, I kept trying. Looking back he was the main cause of my depression. But, instead of him trying to help me. He used my depression and early menapause against me. But, one has to have fun. Even if it destroys a marriage.

        • Mine actually was a 100% people pleaser, so he presented as amazing and loving. I did realize before Dday though that he was inauthentic with other people and said what he thought they’d like to hear. I didn’t know the inauthenticity carried over to me.
          They really do come in all shapes and sizes.
          He did not come from a family who withheld compliments, his family blew smoke up his ass all. the. time. He needed credit for everything – so he took over everything. It presented as him being so helpful – it’s covertly controlling. Then you never feel good enough because he’s like a Superman.
          I’m sure 0W was thrilled to swap very charming and successful superman for her regular husband.
          One of my best friends is a self acknowledged people pleaser and she gets support for this. It’s deep rooted with her and she knows she gets something out of this unhealthy behaviour – she’s working on it. Interestingly, this friend and exH were the only two who secretly did not like each other. Each of them thought the other one was full of shit. She is the only person who met my exH who thought that he was a fake ( she told me after the fact but did tell her H that there was something not right with mine) and exH thought her kind and loving ways were insincere and didn’t like to be around her.

          • A lot of abusers play “rescuer.” But then some rescuer types are genuine. Confusing. I wish there was a set of dead giveaways or telltale traits for every type of scoundrel but that hasn’t been the case. Like viruses, they mutate to evade natural defenses.

            People pleasing might speak to a need to control but it doesn’t necessarily speak to why someone needs to control others. Nefarious intent is another kettle of fish.

            I’ve seen pleasers who are just trying not to get hurt and others who are trying to launder their rotten souls.

            What makes it even more confusing is that a lot of what is considered “natural” female behavior is basically just people pleasing. It’s expected, even enforced in some environments. From behind this guise, many are just trying to get by, though some stylized it to exploit.

            As a kid I wished people had colored auras like in the Stephen King novel so you could immediately tell who was a good egg or a bad seed. Though I’ve gotten better at sussing out character though experience, the devil still does not akways wear horns. Look at the number of brilliant people who got pwned by Madoff.

            • Hell, Agreed, not all Ppleasers are evil. Mylovely Ppleaser friend was the most supportive out of everyone ….she always is – and she has strong morals and values.

              I think part of it is, if it looks too good to be true it probably is. Also in my case, my exH felt empty inside, he needed to be filled up by others, needed to be completed.
              So even though Ppleasers are doing for others- for some it’s always about what they are getting out of it. It’s not clean giving, no anonymous donations.
              Also, often a lot of covert manipulation and passive aggressive behaviour tied to it.
              I think it’s not all conscious….but I’m untangling.
              I just know I wouldn’t want to be with anyone else who seems so outwardly perfect.

              • Zip is right. Some ‘people pleasers’ are authentic. But in law school they scream it into us that the US Court System abhors ‘do gooders’ they call them do gooders – our court system makes the assumption that anyone who does something for free is nefarious and seeking claim or payment of some kind at some point in the future. The same court system that sends the whores and prostitutes to tax payer funded rehab over and over again and sends the abused wife and kids to a flea-bitten homeless domestic violence shelter. Our court system is fked. They see all prostitutes as ‘victims’ Ha Ha Ha Ha. There are certainly sex traffickers and sex slaves – but the low class City Source, City Vibe, Erotic Monkey, The Erotic Review whores are all voluntary self-employed psychopaths. I know…. I paid $30,000 to get a three year Criminal Protective Order against my Asshat doctor cheaters last whore. I paid for a restraining order – she got free rehab – which of course she never went to – she bought both the Enrollment and Completion rehab letters from the crooked Rehab coordinators that scam as well. The entire system is crooked…..while I run to put coins in my parking meter, work like a dog, and pay my taxes… Yes….there are some authentic do gooders (ME!!) but the court system hates them. Jo, J.D.

              • Zip–

                If someone’s pleasing/controlling behavior is all about “Please don’t hurt me,” they’re not evil, just perhaps need to take stock of who they’re keeping company with. It reminds me of that quote from cyberpunk author William Gibson: “Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.”

                It’s such a typical adaptive female behavior that I can’t really single it out as some major character flaw in its own right. I get a bit impatient when pop-psych takes it out of context in regards to victims. It’s a completely different animal than an abuser playing rescuer, hero or nice guy to lay traps and cleanse their own filth.

            • They do. Most people can’t see them, although my son does. He started talking about it when he was a child and still retains the ability. Phsychic traits run in the family. Fortunately for him, he’s a pretty good judge of character.

              • Hell,
                I agree, way more women people pleasers than men. Not a crime. I have a problem with the type of people pleaser I was with. It was all for kibbles. It didn’t look that way, it looked like every loving action was done from the goodness of his heart. However, when I no longer served a purpose, kind, generous, caring person morphed into a selfish, passive aggressive, cheating, hurtful stranger. So I am left to believe that absolutely nothing he did or we shared was genuine. Like you said, character versus personality. I have up until he came along trusted most people’s personalities.

              • Zip– Ah, the biomimicry of abusers!

                Some can do it down to a cellular level due to compartmentalization and “channeling far more psychic energy into image management than the average person” (Donald Dutton, The Batterer). The smart ones manage to be more consistent and nuanced in their deception. It’s when they’re busted and exposed that their compartments start leaking into one another and you see the central, organizing evil persona popping its crusty head out of its dank little hidey hole like a demonic prairie dog.

                Garden variety people pleasers don’t have central, organizing evil personae. Garden variety people pleasers just seem tired or fed up or (best of all) wearily funny when the mask slips, not sadistic.

                Maybe it’s time to watch The Talented Mr. Ripley again. God that was a good film. The “No one ever thinks they’re a bad person…” speech at the end was spot on.

          • I can totally relate. You were describing my ex Fuckwit. Everyone thought he was super man but I knew his over the top helpfulness was to be so indispensable that I couldn’t do without him. I just didn’t think for a moment that he thought it entitled him to cheat and lie. And yes it was controlling. And gave him the perfect cover for his shitty true character

      • My ex would mow the lawn and edge once in awhile. He worked only in the front yard, never bothered with the back. I realized he didn’t work in the back yard because neighbors couldn’t see him back there. He did yard work for image management.

        • Shit, that suddenly resonated – I remember when we were painting the veranda; fuckwit insisted I paint the bit behind the caravan, (“because you’re shit at painting”) whilst retaining for himself the bits that were in full view of the neighbours.

          Then boasting in the pub afterwards about how hard *he’d* worked, totally ignoring what I’d done.

          One of the most educational things on this blog is suddenly recognising, from what another chump has related, that our experiences are exactly the same in essence.

          Thanks, Sisu.

        • Chumpnomore6, mine would spend all afternoon mowing and edging our front lawn which is probably a 5×5 square ft grass area. Shirtless. Hoping a neighbor or anyone would notice that he worked out and say something about his body. There’s a day care at the end of our street, Mothers driving to drop off and pick up their kids. Being the nice guy he is, he’d wave as the moms drove by.
          He’d act surprised but loved to hear from the owner of the day care if any of the mothers mentioned his body.
          I asked him once if that was why he spent so much time out front without a shirt. He looked at me as if I was speaking a foreign language then seemed annoyed.
          I know better now.

          • Nothing sadder or creepier than studied exhibitionism in the burbs. Take heart in knowing not all of the moms were over-awed. Some of them secretly rooted for you when you dumped his ass.

            • hahahaha! Hell – THANK YOU so much for this – I laughed out loud to this comment and: William Gibson: “Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.”
              You know what??? I laughed so much today! Laughing at your comments now makes me realize that I CAN TRULY LAUGH AGAIN!!!
              Yep, the whole neighborhood knows Dopey is, in fact, an asshole 🙂
              I am so glad to be out of that shit hole drama center. He would prance around without a shirt on and comment about how good he looks and how many compliments he gets. He would claim the male neighbors are jealous and the female neighbors want him. Nope, he is just an asshole. I was so depressed and my self esteem was going down the drain. NOT ANYMORE

              • Peregrine–

                I’m a firm believer in the healing powers of laughter. It’s like a tourniquet.

                A good friend and I always made fun of the dads who mow their lawns shirtless even when it’s 72 F. There were a ton of affairs going on in that dull burb and even a bit of swinging. It was always mystifying to me. Nothing accentuates someone’s general dumpiness or boringness more than cheating. When my friend shared the Chris Fleming video “Polyamory,” I laughed for three days straight. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DTsdKycVZZ4

        • The daughter of Dr. Dan,the herpe(s)tologist who dicked around on his wife, would stop traffic mowing the lawn in short shorts and a skimpy top. She was very buxom. I’m convinced this friend of my mother developed agoraphobia to avoid running into the grad students,etc. that Dan was schtupping. Daughter took after Dan and is a cheater.
          My milkshake brings the boys to the yard !
          Attention seeking whatever.

        • 💡💡💡in the front yard with his shirt off. I did all the heavy work in the back yard where the kids played.

      • “My kids think I’m shit. My wife is brokenhearted. Oh well, fuck ’em! A whole bunch of other people who don’ t really matter think I’m a great guy!”

        Really sums up the cheater/narc mindset, I think. 🤢

    • Chumpnomore6-

      Yes, in the wake of chumps you often do find orphans with puppies and elderly neighbors with tidily-shoveled sidewalks.

    • Here, here. Yep. But, outsiders see the people-pleasing behavior, and fall for the mask of “so nice.” (At least some do.)

      • Remember that “nice” is not necessarily true kindness. Niceing somebody into a relationship is manipulative. A career counselor wrote a column years ago to be wary of flatterers. It’s a sales tactic. Maybe somebody who wants to shirk their responsibilities and let you step in as a chump on the professional front.

        • ‘be wary of flatterers’
          My stomach turns thinking about the over the top compliments I received from XH.
          Then I started getting them from his son. They were brought up in superficial charm school.

          • I was just thinking today about what a fake person the ex is – AND the married woman he cheated on me with. All wrapped up in fakeness. Gross. Inauthentic with no integrity.When will my fixed picker be ready?

        • CL has a post somewhere in the archives about the difference between ‘nice’, and *kindness*.

          ‘Nice’ is I think pretty superficial, compliments, smiles; *kindness* might be grumpy, but does the stuff that really *helps*.

          The difference between a diamond, and paste.

          • ‘Nice’ is I think pretty superficial, compliments, smiles; *kindness* might be grumpy, but does the stuff that really *helps*.
            Wow, you just summed up the difference between cheater’s mom and my mom.

    • Your statement is so true. Us chumps will bend over backwards to help someone in need and have a hard time saying no. I am the quiet introvert and I love buying or making gifts for people. I will spent weeks thinking of the perfect gift – something they would really like. I am the 1st person in line to help people move or to watch a friend in needs kids. Family and friends are top importance to me. My ex never bought or did anything unless it made him look good. I found out after divorce most of the nice things I did; he had told people he did it.
      I can say that when my ex left me and the kids homeless, most of the people I had done things for helped me. I found my tribe and still will help a stranger, but have also learned to say “I can’t or No”. It is still a work in progress.

      • “I can say that when my ex left me and the kids homeless, most of the people I had done things for helped me.”

        That’s lovely, I’m so glad. Sometimes the bread we cast upon the waters really does come back. xx

    • chumpnomore6:

      I’m with you on this. I always viewed myself as a people pleaser, to a fault.

      My ex did rescue this mistress from an “abusive husband,” so I guess that’s people pleasing. (Note: My ex is an abusive SOB, so the OW went from the frying pan into the fire when it comes to abuse. I almost feel sorry for her. Almost.)

      Also, he’s a physician so gets lots of praise for helping people. Although he’s mostly retired now, so that source has dried up.

      So I don’t think any of this consitutes people pleasing in the traditional sense. My ex only pleases himself. And he dotes on those who please him (kibbles!) until they don’t. Then he shows rage. A real splitter.

  • People pleaser
    No they choose to forget the chump and their children exist. I can only go on my experience, but the ex’s ow, always had to agree with him, when he told her to shut up she shut up. They were both drug users and alcoholics. they probably had a lot in common. He said she dumped her kids for him. He never moved in with her, but I see her hanging around were I live. She actually lied about being abused in her childhood, but sickeningly I was abused, he probably used that against me.
    I am expecting vile comments about being abused as a child. That is how tragic she is.
    I don’t know but I think of the ow, I have come across, they seem to worship men.
    I think they think they have won a prize, a few of them have given up or have been banned from having their kids, one for instance doesn’t know who the dad of her daughter is, she actually laughed about it.

  • These are the “emotional affair” cheaters… they just “got closer than we should have.” She didn’t have anyone to talk about her problems with. Poor thing. They have relatable FOO issues. They were just talking in the car (oh, in an abandoned parking lot because he knew it would upset me if they went for coffee and someone saw them and told me- just looking out for my feelings AGAIN. I was just so controlling and didn’t want him to have FRIENDS) and her hand fell into his lap and he just… THAT part was an accident… but they didn’t, yanno, DO IT. It was just… HEAVY PETTING. (“You know, like your Jane Austen/Dickens shit.”) His only fault is being so CARING… and he got carried away by feeling like she cared about him… and I obviously, did not.

    Anyway, if someone doesn’t have friends… like, any actual friends? RED FLAG. Just throw the whole person away.

    • insistonhonesty, Same, my PP cheater did not have one male friend. He relied on his family for all his kibbles. He was really good to them, like the king of the castle to all members of his family.
      Some of the over-the-top compliments he would give to me really seemed – well too over-the-top,but his FOO was like that -all very sparkly and full of compliments.
      His emotional affair turned into the physical deal and then he dumped me like a hot potato, FOO followed suit.
      You can not win with these people who need constant validation, can’t do conflict or who have immature ideas of what a relationship actually looks like.

    • hahahaha! And… so sad. Sad he doesn’t have any friends except for one man who is not so secretly in love with him. But mostly sad for me, because I didn’t know what my gut was telling me at the time when I saw that bright red flag flapping in the wind of his incessant talking talking talking talking talking.

    • “ Anyway, if someone doesn’t have friends… like, any actual friends? RED FLAG. Just throw the whole person away.”

      Exactly. Wish I would have known this years ago!

      • Yes. Me too.

        Fuckwit had *no* friends, when we went to his reunion with his drum platoon, I noticed, even then, no-one seemed to have much time for him.

        We went to a birthday event for one of his fellow Paras, (I think it was a generic invite) – he got rather drunk, and started behaving in the most embarrassing way, contradicting everyone, then started laughing and wouldn’t stop, several of the guests told him he was full of shite, and to grow up, but he just kept on giggling.

        Makes my skin crawl, even now.

  • Yup, a people pleaser for sure. Knowing exactly what both your needs and vulnerabilities are and using them as an anchor. Then when you’ve done all the work to achieve what you thought were shared goals, poof, it’s gone. The lies are not just about cheating. False intentions are part of the con.

    • Doingme, for those of us who had people pleasing cheaters who doled out the compliments to manipulate us – that could be a Friday challenge “ Prior to Dday, what type of professions of love, devotion or adoration did you get from cheater?” Only later to find out you were betrayed and replaced.
      The fall is very high when it’s this type of crap.

      • This is probably the most relatable comment I’ve ever seen on here. The fall is high, and the head-fuck is huge.

        • Yes, it even leaves therapists scratching their heads. The therapist keeps hearing about what an amazing partner you had…until DDay, it’s harder to accept that you lost someone who sucks…and not feel like OW got your great life and we got a trash can.

          • So very true. The mind fuck Of going from what you thought was a deep & abiding love to being discarded without a second thought is so hard to work through. You know she’s getting all the love bombing, the cooked breakfasts in bed, the cards expressing undying love. And you’re left wondering how the fuck you didn’t realise what was happening earlier & how you’re going to heal from such an off the scale betrayal.

            • Yes, the fall is very very very far.

              I’ve had two cheaters. My son’s father is one of them. He is an idiot and so when he does something stupid (like cheat) it’s not unexpected. Whatever, I’m over it.

              So I got over him and finally found myself a really really good one- a keeper. I thought I had fixed my picker. He was so in love with me, we were “the perfect couple”.

              All of a sudden he wanted a divorce and he a walked out. I’m talking overnight. No one could figure out his unhappiness all of a sudden?!? How had we all missed it?

              Until I found her. It was only going on for a very short time. He never glanced back. The fall from grace was very far down. I thought I had fixed my picker from the first one. Now I don’t know where to start, so I stay single.

              • Unexpectedchumpiness, rarely do I see a similar story to mine. My cheater was H#2 as well. The devastation was a million times worse than it was with divorce #1 – partly because I thought we were ridiculously in love, partly because I thought I was finally with the right person after having remained single for years taking my time and fixing my picker, partly because I was blindsided, and partly because he knew what I had been through in my past… and he screwed me over (and his adoring his step kids ) nevertheless. Worst betrayal ever.

              • Dear Unexpected Chumpiness: I read your post about the two episodes of betrayal and it breaks my already broken heart. I swear to you and all Chumps that if it’s the last thing I do on this planet, on behalf of all Chumps who have been betrayed, I am going to throw my Cheating Beverly Hills whore master Doctor to the media and wolves soon – He thought he was so smug with his decade long deception – lets see how small his dick gets under his white coat when the media swarm his office – my D day was just May 2020 and he’s doing the unicorn dance with disclosure after disclosure – we’re up to 30 prostitutes throughout our 26 year marriage and our anniversary is tomorrow… I’m 1500 miles away and getting my ducks in a row. He risked my health – unprotected sex with whores – he reviewed his whores on-line on The Erotic Review. I was completely deceived. We need to bring back the movie Fatal Attraction for young boys to watch – there are psychopaths out there. Women do not support women (except for Chumps) It’s a shame that it takes betrayal and pain to bring good women together. I’m an identical female twin so I was pro-woman from the womb. You can be pro-women without being anti man – but there are a lot of horrible home wrecking OW’s out there – shame on them. Watch the news – I’m going to let the horses out of the barn either before or after the election. Another Carmen Puliafito, MD – check out the Univ of Southern Calif story about this chairman clown, found with a crack pipe, a dead baby, and a prostitute. Crazy men.

              • Mine was my second husband too. I thought I’d struck gold after a very unloving & abusive first marriage. Turned out he was dirt.

            • Yes, I hadn’t made myself breakfast since I met him! Most people’s special birthday breakfast or Mother’s Day breakfast were my weekly Sat. and Sun. breakfast. He never wanted help, said it gave him pleasure.

              • ChumpDownUnder, hugs and ditto. Crap. I feel for you.
                So sad and shocking for everyone who was part of our life. What a waste of time. CL got what she deserved with #3 –
                Trying to stay positive!

              • Geez guys I feel for you. Second-time betrayals 😞 … I’ve only been betrayed once and once is always enough.
                And this is why I don’t want another special someone in my life. Which is a part of my personality. Yep I’m the loser who “doesn’t have any friends,” so says my STBXW. She’s not wrong. I was always a loner—never really had the need or a knack for making friends. I always thought deep down I was weird because of it—still do.
                But even I know that you don’t treat your friends LET ALONE YOUR SPOUSE like shit. I wasn’t a great husband perhaps even dreadful at the beginning but I never sought to replace my wife as cruelly as she replaced me.

                ‘Oh let’s be friends though…’ yeah you have more than enough friends. No thanks!

  • Ex people pleased to gain admiration, praise, and attention. When I had friends over, ex would empty the trash without my asking, refill drinks. We could be out at a restaurant and he’d jump up to pull a chair out for a stranger. Use his best manners, throw in a silly remark. Strangers laugh and are taken with his charm. He feigns false modesty, gee, shucks, it’s just the way I am.
    What a great guy, how fortunate you are Brit.
    Except he’s nothing like this at home without an audience.
    These people, strangers appreciate him.
    Chump however is never happy, can’t make the Chump happy.
    So what if I forget to empty the trash, or do things I promised.
    Strangers are happy, they like me.
    I’m a great guy, just ask strangers.

    • Brit, your post reminded me of his statement that he didn’t have problems with anyone but me. The switch in public was the cheerful high drunk guy. Yet he has not one friend, never did.

      • Brit and Doing Me,

        Once, my brother and SIL were coming to visit. It was a big deal, they rarely visited and my kids were very excited. We were going to the cottage. I’m not sure what I said, I probably asked him to take a day off to join in the fun. He said “I don’t have any reason to, It’s not them I don’t like, it’s you”. I can remember being stunned, and hurt. That comment was within 6 months of the “I love you but I’m not in love with you” which was my shit sandwich for Valentine’s Day. I filed in May of that year. Six years out, I’m so glad he does not wield power over my self worth or emotions anymore!

    • You’ve just described my ex. He needed attention, always, and the old shoe can’t provide it like the new shoe can.

      We went to a marriage counselor after child #3 was born. We ended up focusing on his little white lies, which were constant. At one point he complained that his clients don’t treat him the way I did (i.e. they would never call him on these things). How dare anyone question his endless charm or his authority! That’s when I started reading about narcissism.

  • My Ex new wife did need him , you see they had bought a large 3 bedroom house all behind my back months and months before I knew she existed

    She needed him for the bills oh and she loved him but his wages were wanted too . Now she’s got him for at least the next 18 years

    Where as me – well I can cope fuck her she can just manage all by herself ( this was one of the many text messages between them ) and guess what so far so good I’m managing just fine .

    Difference is I never needed my husband , I wanted him , I adored him but I never needed him to complete me

    • She got a mortgage with a cheater. Still to this day I wonder what the Limited and Nanthony were planning when he asked me to buy a multi family weeks before Dday. He needed my signature. Personally, with her arrest record I believe they intended to do me harm. Intentions with them are for what they consider a gain in a moment, a plotting one at that with twists and turns. So glad you’re out and free Karen.

      Thankfully, I said NO.

      • Yea mine is plotting too. I wondered if he’d even put someone (one of the many OW and OM) to do something to me. The planning was crazy scary. I’m still freaked out bc so much was shared about me.

    • Did you get your share of the house they bought? I think I would have tried. Though likely more trouble than it was worth.. Or at least get your share of the money he used to buy it.

      I just wish folks could understand the depth of the lies and fraud these cheaters pull.

      • Oh I did Susie – he totally fucked himself really .

        He told me keep everything in the house I want cash . It started at £30,000 then his lawyer said he wanted £45,000 and the car .

        After a bit of digging about and my pre marital assets I made him an offer he refused it . I then petitioned for half his new whore house ( bought with marital money ) and made him a less than half original offer and told him I won’t touch it if he accepts the new offer – he accepted less than 1/3 of what he demanded he kept the 12 year old car though 😀

        • Good for you.

          I hate these weasel ass fuckwits and their whores.

          My fuckwit conned me into signing for a loan for a river front property, saying it would be our retirement home. I really didn’t want to, as I thought we couldn’t afford it. He talked me into it. Retirement home my ass, six months later he walked out the door for schmoopie. They had been planning their future together for two years.

          He got the river front property, which was fine as we had only made a few payments on it.

          We had one small house that was paid for and I got that. Plus my lawyer got him on the hook for a generous temporary maintenance plan for the duration of our legal separation which turned out to be 13 months. I could have gotten two more years, but I was done by then.

          I kind of wish I had. I bet schmoopie would have been squealing like the pig she was.

          • Mine was / is a greedy fat pig . He thought he would just demand this that and the next thing and I’d be so devastated I’d roll over and give it to him

            He was right I was devastated but oh so wrong that him and OWife would walk away with my hard earned money / assets as they planned to .

            As soon as I found out about their new house ( this cost me £3 and found out it was bought 5 months before D Day ) I went all out for them . I kept the house / my savings / pension / contents of house and my self respect .

            I hope he enjoys paying for that baby until he is 64 years old at the earliest !

  • IG-
    I’m going to suggest that based on your description of your exwife- she is actually evil. Not Ted Bundy evil but on the spectrum and certainly rotten to the core.

    She simply did not care enough about you to Think she may hurt you. Really? You married a wire monkey? And had kidlets with a wire monkey?
    But- if she takes your kids away to another state for a job- What is that exactly? That is full on destroying your life even though she has no animus towards you.

    And you are absolutely correct- the why of evil does not matter-
    No loyalty, no empathy and cares not one iota about you or her children..AND would throw you under the bus and take your kids away if it Behooved her.

    And she cheated and still gets“ disproportionately angry when you don’t comply with her wishes”

    Evil in my book.

  • This is soooo my ex! “I needed to help her, she is scared, she needs me, she was treated horrible by her dad and boyfriend“….blah blah blah. Suicidal Smoochie and fucktwit recently got married. Now he can play daddy all he wants (she is 25 and he is 51).

  • @SouthernChump-

    25 to 51?
    Well, bless his heart! Why not go for the 18 year old?I give her 5 years before she is getting boinked by the pool boy.

    Hopefully, nothing bad happens and he needs his diapers changed. Pretty sure that will end the love affair.

    Hang in there, SC.

    • Isn’t it odd that the women they choose to help are always of fuckable age, and not the 80 year old widow down the street.

  • This falls into the DARVO spectrum, because they use “people pleaser” (a well known codependence term) to make their behavior seem relatable and sympathy-worthy, when the actual accurate term for their behavior is “image manager”.

    My ex was TOTALLY this personality, and he absolutely DID do/say whatever would get the response he wanted from me, the entire time he was in front of me. He did the same with each person who was in front of him at any given time. And he masterfully wove the lies that behavior required, which necessitates an incredible, massive amount of intention.

    It’s a huge undertaking, to deceive that many people so successfully and manage your image with each one. It’s diabolical.

    It’s extreme deception wrapped in extreme image management in “poor abused neglected codependent me” clothing, making the cheater the victim and the person holding the cheater accountable the horrible, unreasonable, cruel, judgmental offender.

    DARVO, in a pretty pink bow.

    • ^^^^YES. Mine presents so well to the outside world (a wonderful man), I’m sure
      absolutely everybody would feel sorry for him after our split… his mother told me she would pray for him, after he dumped us one day to the next.
      I had innocently started to call him on some of the white lies and/or when his flattery of me seemed insincere. I didn’t realize I was cracking his mask when I spoke up – probably way more than his delicate self-esteem and empty soul could take.

      • Yes! Exactly all of this. My ex is the master of being the sad “victim,” the one who strives to overcome his “traumatic” past. It worked on me for many years. Until, like you, I dared to push back and then the arrogance rage begins. I’m quite certain that he uses our divorce as just one more “brave” moment for him, the perpetual victim.

        But most of these jerks aren’t that clever, they leave tracks. I have oodles of texts and emails that expose him for exactly who he is. Abusive, aggressive, vengeful. And it was the threat of making those public in court documents that ultimately got me to a fair divorce settlement. His image management mattered more to him than his greed to get most of our shared stuff.

        The lesson here is to save and document everything with these assholes…because the only way to crack their code is the fear that they may be seen to the world for who they really are.

        • -just one more “brave” moment-
          He absolutely framed his abandoning me and his step kids has a really tough decision, therefore a brave thing for him to do.
          He then proceeded to look increasingly awful and wear his wedding ring at work for a couple of months while we were working out agreements. He received all kinds of sympathy and support. They probably thought I left him.
          That was also confusing, I thought maybe he didn’t really want to end the marriage because he kept his ring on. Then the minute the papers were signed it came off.
          It’s all a mindfuck, wear the ring while screwing someone else and keep the ring on for months while you’re dumping your wife.

          • Mine wore his ring, too, for the six months between our separation and the divorce. I always wondered why, but this makes sense. He was always a sad and noble sausage type, so helpful to everyone else. I’m sure the ring was a visible signal for him to display to everyone we worked with. It sure wasn’t a sign that he was committed to me!

            • Yes, Noble, lost, sad and broken sausage is making it look like he is working this painful thing out to the outside world (and to his spouse). However noble sausage has already betrayed and left the family. The ring denies the reality of the fuckfest.

              Ugh, I kept wearing mine (we are bonded) because he kept wearing his… It was a real mental and emotional distortion of reality.

        • Nanc Exactly This!!! Bullseye.

          Their image management is their Achilles heel. Covert intelligence collection of their written and spoken conversations yielded very good leverage for me in this regard.

          For new chumps this can be used as a tactical strategy to get a better settlement yet it must be done quickly and quietly.

          I lucked out because I snapped a picture of x’s conversation with the first AP wherein she states, “You made me orgasm last night” and he rsvp’d with “Me Too”.
          There was no way for her to deny her adultery in That exchange. The next day I hired my lawyer after consultation.

          Self preservation kicked in.

          She left me on Labor Day and the week thereafter to move in with AP2. Triangulation made concrete.

          It was empowering for me because I held all the aces and she had no idea how much evidence I had to substantiate my claims as the truth. It hurts like a MF to get into this defense mode because it’s pain shopping.

          I drew up our separation agreement and settlement terms and she signed it. I had it notarized that day. (911)

          I pulled the trigger on the divorce which was complete in 10 months. I didn’t bother sending her a copy Because… Not my job.

          It took me a while to cotton onto NC early on and in hindsight I phased it into my new reality- abandoned. I see in hindsight that the cosmos was in my favor and justice was Not my responsibility. Timing was everything during her “limerance” phase (RIC term).

          Tracy saved my fucking life with LACGAL. That book and finding a few great (non RIC) sponsors over at Surviving Infidelity. The 180 got me started however it fails to be doable and complex.

          Once I realized I couldn’t do the 180, I found the chump lady and was ‘Schorn’ of my previous ignorance of Fuck Witchery.

          The road to recovery was at hand, the work of MEH just begun.

          I’m a people pleaser which is not altogether a bad thing once the concept of Reciprocity gets in the way of the users & takers that present.

          Friends of Bill W know these two nuggets of truth for a happy life

          “our primary purpose is to outfit ourselves to be of maximum service to God and our fellow man”
          Balanced with,
          “to thine own self be true”.

      • ZIP, they are so much alike, cunning, calculating, devious manipulators. Everything carefully planned.
        Ex also received sympathy and support when he left. I heard later he was the noble one, in tears he explained to anyone who would listen that he tried everything to save our marriage but I refused MC, he was so concerned for my mental well being, he didn’t know how much more he could take.

        Everyone wanted to give the good guy moral support. One of the many shit sandwiches I had to endure. So many lies and retelling of stories with him just being a wholesome good guy, doing the right thing.
        Truth is he told me he wanted something different, he was done, but he forgot to mention he had found his something different.

    • Chumpnomore6, mine would spend all afternoon mowing and edging our front lawn which is probably a 5×5 square ft grass area. Shirtless. Hoping a neighbor or anyone would notice that he worked out and say something about his body. There’s a day care at the end of our street, Mothers driving to drop off and pick up their kids. Being the nice guy he is, he’d wave as the moms drove by.
      He’d act surprised but loved to hear from the owner of the day care if any of the mothers mentioned his body.
      I asked him once if that was why he spent so much time out front without a shirt. He looked at me as if I was speaking a foreign language then seemed annoyed.
      I know better now.

  • I was married to a female Eustace. “If you just do this one other thing, I’ll be a better wife.” Well, sometimes I’d do whatever it was — more household chores, clean the cat’s litter box, leave her alone for hours, whatever — and surprise, surprise, nothing on her end changed.

    On the other hand, she claimed months after D-Day that she was this poor, unhappy, misunderstood snowflake, that was just reaching out to this other guys because her mom lived too far away (she was a four hour drive, we visited at least once a month), and that she was jealous of the attention her parents gave her three younger siblings, and that she hadn’t been allowed to be or find “the real her”. Oh, and that I “wasn’t really her type.” No, I can’t make this up. Apparently, a grown woman being separated by 180 miles from Mommy compels her to create a fake clone that has to have multiple affairs with guys at work.

    • Oh, and to be clear, the biggest reason of all was the 180 miles to Mommy. She kept harping on it.

      • I hope you realize that the reason is bullshit. She just needs to find something, anything, to throw out there to justify the affair to herself and to the world at large

        My XW said that I hadn’t understood how hard it was to leave her hometown in Italy to come to the US. Which is true: I hadn’t understood it because she’d never said a word about it in 20 years. In fact, she’d acknowledged that she would never have been able to have the career she’s had in the US back home. (Her mentor actually hold her “If you leave, I’ll make sure you never work again in this country” when she went to the US for her PhD).

        I learned to speak Italian so I could communicate with her friends and her parents. We visited Italy every summer for at least two weeks. If we’d found jobs in Italy, I would have willingly moved the entire family there for her. But now that she’s liberated herself of me, her new AP-cum-husband doesn’t speak Italian, and both she and husband are tethered to the US by custody agreements. So, despite her blaming me for her distance from her parents, blowing up our marriage made returning to her home country enormously *less* feasible.

        They just invent whatever excuse makes them look like the victim. I’m not even going to get into the accusations of physical and financial abuse made to our kids (who don’t believe them because they actually know me) and – I’m sure – spread around town.

  • Cheaters may appear to be people pleasers for image management. I agree, they are people users. Our DS asked cheater why he was so quiet around the house. Cheater said because he wasn’t happy. Poor baby, he didn’t do any of the heavy lifting in the marriage, hid money and led a double life to cheat. It must have been tough living his life and fucking sluts.

    No, I think he wanted sympathy from our DS. Cheater wants sympathy so he doesn’t look like the bad guy because I did everything. He put no effort into the marriage and once I started detaching from him he knew he wasn’t going to be able to continue living his double life. He couldn’t control me any longer. Cheaters suck…

  • I believe they are people pleasers, but the only people they care about pleasing are themselves.

    More being revealed with time and distance….

    Our daughter, now 13.5 (he abandoned us when she was 10) is sharing anecdotes of his selfishness and dishonesty from her memory banks. Meaning, out of the blue, she will say, “Do you know what Dad did?” I listen, and ask her how she felt about it. I say nothing more. But I really have been thinking for a long time that I was the only target of his self-centeredness and deceit, and that is not true.

    The latest reveal? We live two minutes from CVS which has a Thrifty ice cream counter. She was little and he came home with an ice cream. For himself. He grudgingly let her have a tiny bite and ate the rest of it in front of her. He didn’t offer get her an ice cream. It reminded me of when I was pregnant. I lost 40 pounds when I was pregnant because I was too sick to eat much. The day I gave birth he went down to the cafeteria in the hospital and got something to eat, for himself. He didn’t even ask if I wanted anything. But to eat an ice cream in front of his own little girl? That really makes me sad and angry and it’s despicable and I am glad to be divorcing him. What a dick.

    • This image of a father not sharing or getting his young daughter an ice cream while he enjoys his is, to me, in a nutshell who these people really are. I took a walk in the forest next to my house after reading chumplady this morning, and couldn’t get it out of my head. It is an image that succinctly defines who they are. Not only are these nasty people selfish and entitled–they seem to enjoy depriving others who love them and get off on the pain it causes. So glad you are divorcing him. I hope you take his nasty ass to the cleaners.

    • Sharing is caring, as they teach in kindergarten. This example shows his selfish and withholding nature perfectly.

  • I used to hear all the time that he cheated because “we never spent time together”… “we need to fix us”… and this sparkly turd: “I can’t be intimate with someone (you, my wife)… if we aren’t connecting outside the bedroom”…

    And I bought it for a long time… that because I was so tired from working full-time, managing a 3-kid household, grocery shopping, cleaning, planning vacations, scheduling summer camps, etc… there was no time left for him and so he cheated.

    Then Facebook memories started popping up… I can’t even count how many times I was trying to sell off tickets to things/dates I had planned for me and Mr. Sparkles… concerts under the stars,,, his favorite wine tasting events… I had even bought him a exotic sports car driving experience that he never used.

    This is why NO CONTACT is so important as soon as possible after discovery. Get your ducks in a row, get out (or kick the cheater out), and get on with detaching so you can get out of the proverbial blender.

    Rock on, Chump Nation… six years blender free here!

    • ICanSeeTheMehComing, ‘I used to hear all the time that he cheated because “we never spent time together”… “we need to fix us”… and this sparkly turd: “I can’t be intimate with someone (you, my wife)… if we aren’t connecting outside the bedroom”. Yes, that’s the type of perfect shit they say… it sounds reasonable, we believe it and internalize it.

      That conversation can be had in a loving way while you are married and faithful and committed to your partner. “I’d like us to connect more” great! ‘ I’d like us to spend more time together’ great! ‘There are some things I’d like to work on in our relationship’ great!
      Saying that bullshit as an excuse after you’ve thrown your spouse under the bus….BS.
      The more I read other peoples stories, the more I realize I do not suck, but was really mistreated by a FAKE who sucks.

  • Mine was a total people pleaser!!! Codependent too! It’s why I didn’t see it coming. He likes to help people. He would say “I give and give, but when they don’t give back, I resent”. Always others, not me, we were fine…until I found out about the affair. Then it was projection, devalue, and rage.

    It was hard to be mad at someone who acts like a loving/giving person. It’s one of the reasons you live them. Even when you ask them to take time for self-care so they can be home to take care if their family. But taking care of yourself shouldn’t break your marriage vows or abandon your wife and daughter.

    • Jen G. Exactly, people pleasers and big time codependency go hand-in-hand . They give and give to fill up their empty soul and get a sense of self. I am not a people pleaser and
      it can almost make a regular person feel selfish. Cheater type people pleasers don’t think about how their ‘yes’ to one person can devalue another person – no boundaries. In my case it was covert resentment that happened when cheater insisted on taking care of everything – then blamed me for not helping out with something ( I should have read his mind, and interpreted his ‘yes’ as meaning ‘no’ he did not want to do it himself.

  • Yeah…. Sparkledick is super generous.And his mommy would forget to pick him up at school at least once a month.

  • Lundy Bancroft calls these types “The Victim”

    Everything is about their feelings. They’re sooooo hurrrrrt by their past relationships, their parents, their families, they’re SoOo trAuMaTizD by their past they have to hurt you, “hurt people hurt people” you know! How can you be so mean? You’re just like the rest of them!

    Even if they did have bad past relationships or FOO issues, the minute they use it as justification for abusing you, stop listening. It’s garbage.

    • “hurt people hurt people”. I can not stand that saying. Many hurt people develop enormous empathy and compassion for others and would never knowingly hurt a fly. Many hurt people would feel sick with shame if they betrayed someone they purported to care for.

      • ZIP, I hate that saying, makes me cringe every time I hear it. Hurt people show compassion and empathy. They’re not intentionally cruel to people who they claim to love or who love them.

        Cheaters are entitled, they don’t care who they hurt, they will do whatever it takes to get what they want.

        • I also hate that saying.

          I went through several hurts as a young child, not by my family but others. I used those experiences to have empathy for others who are being hurt.

          Even the hurt my ex heaped on me, has made me more compassionate about others who go through the pain of betrayal.

  • My X was a people pleaser but only as it translated to his own reputation and impression management. His entire life is trying to get people to like him. I am sorry to say it has worked to a certain degree. I’ve always been a straight shooter so in the fallout of our divorce, people flocked to his side. (He had fallen out of love with me years ago, but stayed for the children. He made one mistake for which he will be eternally sorry. And I turned the kids against him. What kind of evil woman would do that? Blah blah blah the usual).
    It’s taken years and the help of CN to not mind so much anymore.

    • Same here. He ONLY cared that the outside world loved him, not so much me and the boys. It didn’t make sense at the time, but, oh, the education that I have received in the past five years!

  • Ex told me repeatedly that he was a people pleaser – and that this explained among other things why he kept getting laid off and/or fired (on average every other year). He also said that Schmoopie needed him so desperately and he couldn’t bear to hurt her. “You don’t understand,” he wined to me once. “She’s soooo insecure and you can handle anything and she will be all alone if I don’t marry her!”

    (I’m sure it was either that or the gang bangs she’d do that I wouldn’t.)

  • *Raises hand* My ex too! Gosh, the more you read about other people’s experiences, you realize so many of these character disordered folks are all the same. Ugh. He complained once, “Everyone thinks so highly of me, except you.” Ummm… how often have you lied to them? Did they have to pay off your gambling debts? Did they have to pay for your attorney? Did they have to support your ass after getting fired for forgery while you sat around refusing to get any kind of employment for months? I can’t believe I kept all those secrets for him, I hated having to prop up his facade. Google’s a funny thing though, some of his family’s starting to find out about his past. Then of course, the people pleasing to help a friend who’s having problems with her husband. “I just need someone I can talk to… I don’t have any guy friends I can talk to about stuff like this…” Umm, you sure? How about talking about all your feelings with a therapist then? Whatever, I’m so glad I’m out of that mindfuck. I feel bad I didn’t set harder boundaries in earlier days, but he wouldn’t have respected them, and I wasn’t ready to lose my marriage at the time.

  • Mine used to say, “it seems I can never make you happy.”, which for too many years sent me in to a guilt tailspin where I’d feel like a miser and back off.

    One day in a moment of clarity – he pulled that response out again and I actually agreed with him, “you’re right. You cannot make me happy so I’m not sure why we’re still married.”

    6 years out, and with a much happier and healthier sense of self, it is easy to see it for the manipulation tactic it was.

    There is never an excuse for lies and mistreatment.

  • Oh yes…..The People Pleaser Asshat Cheater. I’ve heard that one already and Dday was only May 2020. Because he’s a doctor always taking care of people…..he said he needed taking care of too and the prostitutes gave him that care – an escape. ?????? What about me??? I was working my tail off throughout our marriage – loyal, honest, always asking him if everything was ok. He barged in to my poor old Marine dad’s life like a fly on poop – poor old guy lived 3,000 miles away on the other side of the country but my Asshat could feel like “big man” around him – set up his health care, etc. and then when things when bad he dumped him faster than a NY minute. He said when they were residents at Cedars “no one wanted anyone to die on their shift” ???? And since Dday he and his Sweater Man psychiatrist have already blamed the mother – the dead mother – for being too over-bearing and giving him too much!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I think my head is going to explode. I’m only 100 pounds and there aren’t enough cells in my body to absorb this amount of mind fuckery. I just worry that I’ll never really (really) laugh again. The sadness of betrayal is too great. Thank God I have my dogs.

  • At the risk of untangling the skein (it has helped me – but has taken far too much of my time), mine is a people pleaser because he is completely insane. (his mother incested him and he “took care of her” so he repeats the insanity and finds people (preferably old ladies that look like his mother) to help and then….well, one thing leads to another and he sleeps with them (nice word for f%$k them). One old lady even had to go to her ob/gyn to see if it still works “down there”.

    I gave him a pass on my first discovery (which came with 20 years worth of staggered disclosures) because he was “sick” (more like insane/disordered – note to self: Run as fast as you can – no therapist can fix it). He even went to 8 years of weekly sex addict 12 step groups and sponsored other disordered men – before going down that path again (he HAD to help my mother’s meth addict housekeeper – poor thing – and then there’s the homeless woman on “Get Naughty”. Poor sausage just needs to help all these helpless women. He is a saint, don’t you know? And I had the audacity to kick him out. It was all in the spirit of “helping” for God’s sake. Ummmm……no thanks.

  • Yup. My ex became resentful of the fact I stopped being impressed by him, so he just had to go out and ‘impress’ two 20-something year olds.

  • Remember that “nice” is not necessarily true kindness. Niceing somebody into a relationship is manipulative. A career counselor wrote a column years ago to be wary of flatterers. It’s a sales tactic. Maybe somebody who wants to shirk their responsibilities and let you step in as a chump on the professional front.

  • He told me horrific stories of how his dad beat him and verbally abused him. Apparently this gave him a carte blanche to lie to and manipulate everyone and everything.

    Many years later I got a chance to ask his sibling about the abuse. They were close in age to him, and they swore there was NO abuse. So that too was a fake story told to get sympathy. He is the devil.

  • I think the people pleaser line is a classic narcissistic projection/mirror move. It’s The chumps that are people pleasers, the cheaters know the only person they want to please is themselves, and their supply line (AP), which is there to please them as well. Classic move.

  • My cheater ex was a people pleaser. Especially loved helping women as they were so grateful! He wasn’t doing it for them but for the praise and affirmation. OW turned out to be an acquaintance who needed his help….

  • I heard all of these excuses. When he told me he was a “people pleaser” I was shocked because I never experienced that side of him. I remember all of the criticism and never doing anything right.

    He was just trying to help her get a job. He didn’t expect she would be hired. He was just getting her an interview to help her boost her confidence. He loved the way she looked up to him. He couldn’t say no to sex with her because he is a “people pleaser.” He was just trying to help her because she was raped in college (they engaged in some pretty kinky S&M).

    So much gaslighting. Never did he ever care about “people pleasing” his actual wife or children.

  • >