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UBT: Cheating on My Husband Made Me a Better Mother

Who’s ready for another personal testimonial to the wonders of cheating? It brightens! It whitens! It dices! It slices! And it’s good for stubborn stains.

I bring you Medium’s Cheating on My Husband Made Me a Better Mother — “My affair made me happier and, by consequence, also my kids” by Elle Silver.

I know, you were all thinking prenatal vitamins, midnight feedings, and enduring four-hour sports banquets made you a better mother. No, it’s fucking around. Please turn in your PTA memberships for Ashley Madison accounts at once.

Apparently Silver has quite an oeuvre of What’s Best For The Children. Hosting her ex-husband’s date at her apartment is good for the kids too.

Though unconventional, the experience was strangely beneficial for all of us. It was especially good for our kids.

I’m proud that I was evolved enough to host my ex-husband’s date in my apartment.

Why did she divorce him (after the delirious bliss of cheating on him)? He was a paranoid schizophrenic. With depression. Maybe. It depends on what article references him. Suffice it to say, she had her reasons. The important lesson here is that Elle is more evolved than you are. Relatable, but edgier! And her children delight in her happiness.

The Universal Bullshit Translator is having none of this. I’ve dragged it up to Northern Michigan where its cooling its transponders and admiring Great Lakes freighters. Do not disturb its idyll.


Oh geez. After much resistance, I’m in for a lot of cookies on this one.

While waiting in line at the market to buy groceries with my two children, my younger son reached to hug me. Pulling my cheek toward his lips, he planted a kiss there.
“What a sweet boy you have,” the checker said as she began to scan our items.
Not to be outdone, my older son helped bag the groceries. The checker gushed more.
I was astonished myself. This was not normal.
Usually, my two sons, aged eight and nine respectively, were getting into mischief. They broke down into tantrums as a daily occurrence. They acted out more than they behaved.
Had my sons changed? Or was I the one who was different?
I had changed. After years of suffering in a miserable marriage, I’d decided to have an affair.

My child bagged groceries. My other child kissed me. A stranger gushed. It Must Be a Sign that my personal happiness has altered the universe.


I was no longer the same person. I felt happier than I had in a long time — and that happiness was rubbing off on my sons.

Just my good mood. None of my perfidy.

 Don’t get me wrong. I’m not promoting cheating on one’s spouse as the solution to a couple’s marriage problems.

I mean, you probably don’t care about your children’s happiness and well-being. So keep it in your pants, Drudge.

Even back then, I knew cheating was wrong. But being angry and depressed while enduring an unhappy marriage was also bad.

So I created this false dichotomy. That the only way to address a unhappy marriage was by fucking around. Introducing more instability into an unstable situation. Is cheating “bad”? Well, so are my moods!

Cheating was but a Band-Aid over the festering wound that was my marriage. Though admittedly an analgesic, my affair did provide a reprieve.

I am a festering bandaid in a wound of my own making.

It made me happier, and as a result, my kids became happier, too.

It made me spliffier and as a result dolphins became earflaps and moonsockets whoozled.

I’m sorry, the UBT is malfunctioning.


And in that way, cheating on my husband made me a better mother.
My sons benefited from my improved mood.

By this logic, I am taking up meth.

Think of it this way. I’d been cranky for months on end. Often in a dark mood, I was easily annoyed at the slightest infraction on the part of my sons.

Destabilizing a paranoid schizophrenic parent with an affair is exactly what one should do when one is feeling cranky.

Suddenly, my mood had brightened. I could sweat the small stuff and go with the flow. Of course, my sons reacted to that.
I can only imagine that was the reason why my boys helped push our cart to the car that day at the market. They unloaded the bags into the trunk for me, then got into the car without me having to demand it.
Within minutes of starting our drive home, though, my eldest son’s device ran out of battery. He scooched as far as his seatbelt would allow him across the backseat to where his younger brother was seated.
He wanted to watch his brother’s device — but my youngest was none too happy about sharing his YouTube video.
An argument broke out. Whereas a few weeks earlier, I would have screamed expletives into the backseat, I calmly told my sons: “Please stop arguing and just share with each other.”

The way Mommy shares with Nathan, the nice man she met on Adult Friend Finder.


Something about my peaceful tone — the shock of me not becoming incensed. This stunned both my children into halting their squabble.
My younger son let his older brother share his device. My eldest quietly watched.
All this because of the way I had reacted.

Other parents would be like, “I AM PULLING THIS CAR OVER RIGHT NOW.” Whereas I’m like whatevs. I’m hooking up with Nathan at 4.

What a difference from how I would have treated this scenario before my affair. Now I felt too content to be angry.
Instead, I beamed good vibes onto everyone. Obviously, my kids were the main benefactors of my cheerier spirit.

I dropped some acid. Now I felt too content to parent. Instead I beamed good vibes onto everyone. Better parenting is all about the vibes.

At first, cheating did make me feel guilty.

That passed.

I’d never say that having an affair was a smooth ride. At first, I felt guilty about it. I was terrified my sons would notice a change in me — some evidence of my betrayal.
The first time I slept with my new lover was on an early weekday afternoon. Directly afterward, I had to go pick up my kids from school.
Would my sons smell the deceit on me? Could they see the deception in my face?

Um, I don’t think it’s deceit exactly that they’re smelling…

My sons noticed nothing.

Gullible chumps, just like their dad.

They scurried out of their classrooms, the same as always. Just like any other day, they galloped ahead of me to the car, tumbling inside, and immediately begging me to stop at the donut shop.
On our route home from school each day, we drove right past a donut store. Usually, I had the resolve not to stop. Today I didn’t.
I felt terrible about what I’d just done with another man behind my husband’s back. I felt the powerful need to atone for my sins.
I’d apologize to my sons with donuts, absolved by sugar and fat.

I’m breaking up the family — enjoy this donut!

Dad may be moving out, but we’ll always have maple glaze.

I was much less nervous my husband would discover my cheating. He hadn’t even mentioned the noise since we arrived home.
The boys scarfed their treats. As I wiped the crumbs from their faces, I wished my life was as easy to clean.
I felt soiled — and now even worse after filling my sons’ bellies with sugar and fried dough.
I tried to mitigate those feelings by brushing my sons’ teeth as soon as we reached home. If I couldn’t clean my conscience, then I could clean my children’s mouths.

What sort of 8 and 9 year old do you have that won’t brush their own teeth? Do they have arms? Did you have to harsh your vibe? UBT is curious.

I went after my eldest first. He wouldn’t hold still long enough for me to get the toothbrush into his mouth. Bouncing from the sugar, he shot away from me.
I chased him around the room. By the time I finally caught up to him and managed to brush his teeth, I was too tired to try again with his younger brother.

Oh I get it, this is the part where you demonstrate your Responsible Parenting. The UBT was losing the thread. You care about their dental care. But clearly have no idea how actual tooth-brushing is accomplished.

Where was their father while all this was happening? Sleeping? Reading about one of his conspiracy theories? Watching porn?
He was ignoring me just like he always did. No wonder I was cheating on him.

I will NOT be ignored. I have donuts and toothbrushes at my command.

I was much less nervous he would discover my cheating. He hadn’t even mentioned the noise since we arrived home.
Still, guilt nagged me. Over the coming days, those feelings eventually disappeared.
I stopped condemning myself so harshly. My shame was replaced with a sense of tranquility and ease.
And my sons ultimately benefited from that.

I never condemned myself. I cheat with tranquility and ease. My sons benefit from my sociopathy.

Before I had an affair, my sons were failing in school.
Before I met my lover, I often received calls and emails from my eldest son’s teacher about how he was disrupting the classroom. My youngest was still unable to read. I believe our miserable home life was affecting both my sons’ ability to sit still and learn.
Once I started having an affair, the disorder in our household quieted.

Oh for fuck’s sake. Call Betsy Devos! Elle can cure learning disorders with pussy.

I was no longer so depressed, picking fights with my husband whenever I could. Now I had someone else to occupy my thoughts and fulfill my emotional needs. For years I’d been unable to give my kids the attention they needed because I was so unhappy. Now I could.

I’ve been able to give my children so much more attention since I devoted all my thoughts and waking hours to an affair.

It was only then that my eldest finally stopped acting out and my youngest learned to read.
I’m not promoting cheating, but it did help my family.

My pussy can teach the alphabet.  I’m not promoting cheating, you may prefer illiteracy.

I know the idea of cheating on one’s spouse is distasteful to many. I agree — I should have just left my marriage.
But that’s not the decision I made. I had an affair instead.

I did it for the alphabet. For donuts. For the children.

My real healing didn’t start until I finally left my husband though. He also had problems that he could only recover from after we separated.

And that’s what matters, Elle’s “healing.”

But I don’t believe I would have ever mustered the courage to leave my marriage if I hadn’t had the affair.
I had to separate my identity from my husband’s. Cheating drew a line in the sand that defined where my love for my husband ended. It marked the conclusion of our relationship. After that, there was no going back.
Even though my affair was short-lived, during the time it lasted, in its strange way it helped my entire family.
And one of the most important ways it helped us was by making me a better mother.

Keep fucking around, Elle. I fear what would happen should you get cranky again. #savethechildren.

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at [email protected]. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • I feel like you could replace cheating with “daily meditation” and get the same result.

    • EverleighWay ????- too funny, Who knew fucking around was the new self care!

      I came across this article previously- or one like it- in one of my unfortunate Google searches. Hated it then too.

      Also laughed out loud at CL’s taking up meth comment.

      • Zip, you touched all the bases! Never ceases to amaze me how shallow cheaters can be. Have gained so much from Chump Nation, leave the cheaters behind. There are good people out there and I’m not talking about hooking up I’m talking abut establishing a life with really good people ONLY. Keep yourself and your life by your own standards. Simple

    • haha! Yes, but that would require self reflection and TRUTH seeking. Cheaters do not want the truth, ever.

    • Exactly. A long walk by yourself can do amaxing things to your head and attitude.

    • “It made me spliffier and as a result dolphins became earflaps and moonsockets whoozled.”


      I love you CL!

    • My cheater did both. He was actually training to become a zen monk! A training program I found him because you’ve know that sausage was so sad.

    • What I want to know is what her excuse is for her 8 year old not being able to read before she started fucking around. And why she didn’t give a shit about that before she got strange dick.

      Seriously what the hell was she doing?

  • Nothing like having your kids pick me dance for your attention also. So many kibbles coming her way!! Dance, MF, Dance!!

    • My thoughts exactly. Hasn’t anyone noticed that kids work the hardest to “be good for” parents who ignore them? I was that child. Then I was that wife. What a clueless self-centered human being.

      • Gettingthere – your comment is insightful – this experience has given me the chance to look at my relationships with my parents. There are so many clues to my father’s infidelity and my mother just lived in her bubble. Nothing ever came out officially – but certain things happened that, now, I see it is likely my father had an OW. Yes, I was that child, too, and I became that SO – ignoring it, letting it go on. The kids always know, but they are told lies and then become accustomed to not believing their gut instinct. This stops NOW for me. Still, I saw the ex do this to his children and they adore him. I am so sad for them

      • I was screaming that reading this. You idiot bitch, those children were desperately trying to be good for you because they saw what was happening to their family. My kids did the same thing when their father went insane, I mean showed us all his true colors.

        What a huge pile of horse shit. Never ceases to amaze me the crap these self-centered fools tell themselves

    • First thought that came to my mind as well – children desperately pick me dancing.

      Kind of breaks my heart for the kids, although some part of me suspects that the father is the sane parent here even if he really is schizo…big IF. Wouldn’t be the first time a flaming narc makes it out or even convinces psychiatrists that their SO is disordered. Nothing more dangerous and brainwashing than a flying monkey with a degree and a position of authority, aka psychiatrist. Also, a bit of PSA on don’t go to therapy with a fuckwit – you may well end up being the one marked as disordered even though you aren’t at all.

      • He might just be on the autistic spectrum and been misdiagnosed and never received help, and certainly not from Elle.

        But the jab at the conspiracy theories was the lowest of lows, even for Elle…
        A wife mocking her husband for his illness..? Disgusting.

  • She sounds like a horrid mother . Snapping and shouting at her children for the slightest thing

    No amount of strange penis is going to cure that

    • Right?! Seriously, she needs to pluck her head out of her ass. And brushing an 8 year old’s teeth?

      That woman is a mother like I’m John Lennon.

      If her story is real, I can’t wait for those boys to become teenagers. Nothing better than teenagers serving up a dish of karma!

    • Yup, she was an abusive psycho before, now she is an abusive psycho still – just manner of abuse has changed…..gee….what progress…. it’s as if one type of abuse is somehow better than another type of abuse….*eye roll*…..

    • Right? Before she starts cheating she’s a mom who snaps at her kids in anger, her kids don’t know how to brush their own teeth, and ignores her husband because his supposed (I’m not sure if I believe that…) illnesses.

      Her answer to her marital problems is to cheat.

      She’s a horrible mom before, she’s still a horrible mom. Because her style of parenting revolves entirely around her, what she wants, her feelings, and her wants. It’s all about her, her, her, her. Not once does she ever mention giving two flying shits about literally anyone’s feelings or needs but hers.

      Cheating didn’t make her a better mom, it just added to the list of selfish things she does.

      • And notice how the biggest sin in her book is still feeding her kids donuts..?

        She feels more guilt over that than cheating.

  • KK could have written this . . . and probably has, in other forums.

    One of the constant, incessant themes in the texts I found during my ‘discovery period’ was: “My daughters deserve to have a mother who’s happy.”

    A quick scroll through her featured articles on Medium shows that Ms. Silver has chosen to define herself just as KK has — a long suffering, repressed sexual sophisticate, now reborn as a sex-positive goddess and social justice warrior:

    My Husband Didn’t Suspect I Was Cheating on Him
    I Didn’t Tell My Boyfriend I Was Still Married
    I Realized I Wanted a Divorce While Having Sex With My Husband
    Cheating on Your Spouse Is Sometimes Justified
    and on and on and on . . .

      • Browsing the comments on that article disgusted me. So many trash women telling her “You’re so brave” “Fascinating read. You have nothing to apologize for!” and guys white knighting for them in hopes that she may sleep with them (lol).

        People like her drag other people to Hell with them. My ex wife has a group like this. They’re selfish fucked up divorcees who are super vain, super selfish, super into “self care” and plastic surgery type crap, Instagraming for likes (one of these women posted a picture of herself topless covering her nipples with a sticker that said “mom’).

        Our society has become so toxic. So selfish. When you can abandon your family to go to Costa Rica and then come get bylines where you can use flowery language to brag about what a piece of shit you are but should really be celebrated…I just can’t. Wow!

        • Yes SSAAH, “our society has become so toxic” and I truly believe that there are more narcissists than there used to be.

          Supposedly NPD has some genetic component, but environment contributes too. And I think modern culture is a Petri dish which contains a soup of nourishment for nascent narcs.

          Selflessness, kindness, and generosity of spirit now seem to be considered by many to be weaknesses and very old fashioned.

      • “He had been neglecting and even emotionally abusing me for years by then.”

        Followed by,

        “It was painful to watch, especially when he was diagnosed with schizophrenia by two different psychiatrists. The doctors prescribed medications that didn’t work. They just sapped his energy and made him sleep all day.”

        What a priceless bitch.

        What she conveniently overlooks is the increased chance that one or both of her children develop schizophrenia as young adults. I bet she would be INCENSED if anyone wrote about them in this manner.

        She should have divorced him. That would have been honest and honorable. Everything else she has written is self-justified smug back-patting.

        Let me guess, a big big fan of “Eat, Drink, Prey”.

        • My question is did he have schizophrenia or had she drove him mad with all her narcissistic behaviors. After reading a bunch on narcissism you realize they drive people to the brink of insanity and once you get away you go back to the person you were. I bet her ex is a normal chump because affairs seem to go along with financial abuse, gas lighting, lying, manipulating and just flat out nastiness.

          • BINGO!

            You know why I lend credence to that theory? I struggled with depression periodically for years. Turns out, living with a selfish malcontent who thinks the world revolves around her, refuses to clean up anything, and thinks the world should make sure she’s never unhappy for five minutes…can make you depressed.

            It’s been a year since I’ve got away from her and guess what? My mood and mental health are a billion times better. So yeah, I have no doubts to question her bullshit articles and to question her contribution to her husband’s mental state, which I’m sure she further wrecked with her infidelity.

      • There is ALWAYS the blame shifting. Always. These cheaters claim no more agency than amoeba.

      • Let’s just stop at OH MY FUCKING GOD!

        I’m speechless and nauseated. There are people that even believe their own bullshit.

        So glad to have this crap behind me.

      • OK, down the internet rathole I go, and I come up with this:

        — Elle Silver’s Medium profile specifies that she writes “about culture, society, politics, sexuality, gender, and relationships.”
        — a Google search indicates that Elle Silver’s twitter lead leads to @larasterling (“Silver” … “Sterling” … get it?)
        — hawks her novel “The Dream of Faceless Men,” the plot of which involves:

        — a married woman driven to despair who “when faced with her husband’s deteriorating mental condition, decides to cheat on him”
        — husband is “a once brilliant physicist turned failed real-estate investor, who now believes that feminists are part of a satanic plot of the Illuminati to control the world”
        — she places an ad on a dating website and meets Jean-Clause, who seems like the perfect lover and doesn’t care that she’s married.

        Sound familiar?

        I suspect very little of this person’s story is grounded in fact. She’s a liar and a coward, like all of those who choose to follow her “advice.”

        • She is a liar and a coward – just like all cheaters. Complete and total lack of integrity.

          • The article reads like fiction, written for an assignment for a men’s magazine. Or maybe she put an enticing query out and then accepted the assignment. At any rate, it all sounds made up. What really got me was that she designated the donuts as her apology! Who knew you could do that? Mentally designate an object of your choosing to “be the apology” and then skip saying anything about it to anyone! I wonder if the cheater in my life has done that. Maybe that’s why he accuses me of being unforgiving.

            • That’s a really difficult thing for me. He keeps saying he’s apologized enough. Too much, even! He can’t do it anymore, it’s unreasonable. I’m too hurt.

              He only actually apologized once.

            • Well, her OTIS profile *does* say she worked both for Playboy Spain and Larry Flynt Publications previously, sooooo…. LimboChump, you may be onto something. I try to take her writing as parody, in which case it makes me laugh….otherwise it’s hard not to cry.

          • That’s a lot of education for middle school level writing. She sucks. She totally sucks.

        • UXWorld: the “Silver” is for Sterling, and the “Elle” is for her first initial. Her creativity astonishes.

          Also, the title of her book! There could be no better indication that she uses people. She’s not interested in human connection, as long as the faceless men have the one body part she needs. I’m sure my STBX has dreamt of faceless women for years, and still does. If she starts dating a woman with a face, she’ll ignore the actual human being and just idealize her as long as possible, I’m sure. (And when that’s no longer possible, the devaluation/discard begins.)

          • I’m still f*ed up by that… Because when the depreciation began, I was no longer a valuable person – I was someone he put up with. And it wasn’t his fault he cheated or left – it was mine for not being better.

            It’s hard to unpack.

        • Omg she actually references a book called “Rethinking Narcissism: The Bad — and Surprising Good — About Feeling Special”

          • Yes because narcissism is just “feeling special” and not a chronic and unempathetic tendency to selfishly put yourself and only yourself above the needs and feelings of everyone in your life, regardless of any and all harm it causes.

            And divorce is “conscious uncoupling,” cheating is “acts of exhuberance” and stabbing your neighbor in the taint with a rusty sabre is “a generous poking of the titterbum.”

        • Well, wonder who was her muse for this story? HAHA.

          I’m also sure her reference to her husband bashing feminism is the toxic feminism that she’s perpetuating (not legitimate women issues) which is what me and other men like to call “The Princess Syndrome.’ That’s the world where you’re never held accountable, everything is about you, you deserve everything, she doesn’t have to do anything and you have to do everything to be blessed with her company, nothing is ever their fault either. They deserve happiness 24/7.

          • Citing husband for bashing feminism was meant to be the call to arms for third wave feminists. Just forget the schizophrenia claim for that portion of the story and remember it again when Elle needs kibble for her magnanimous forbearance.

            There’s a guy on my street who periodically bellows the word “Whore.” He has Tourette’s. Great person and unusually smart like a lot of people with the syndrome. I’m a pretty radical feminist but TOURETTE’S.

            • I feel like she’s very straightforwardly and not so subtly pinning feminism on a paranoia.

              As in, “who in their right mind would listen to feminism? It’s the stuff crazy people believe” (her thoughts, not mine)

      • What a crock of horse shit. This goofy creepella had dozens of honest choices she could have made … Fucking Joe wasn’t one of them. She makes the encounter sound like an initiation/hazing to a club. Like she ripped off a bandaid. I have no use for self centered douche nozzles like this

    • This little gem at the top of the blog, too: “I’m also an introvert. I don’t often respond to comments.”

      Because there might be judgments of her choices in those comments that she’s not brave enough to respond to, I guess.

  • She sounds like a sociopath. I’d love to hear the husband’s take on all this.

    Oh, and as for the kids’ improved behavior, correllation is not causation. She’s forcing a cause and effect where there probably is none just to make herself feel like an evolved, mommy of the year. Sick!

    She’s deranged. I have to say that it’s interesting to get a taste of an entree from the buffet of justifcations used by these cheaters.

    It’s given me virtual food poisoning, but it’s interesting nonetheless.

  • Your kids know they are easily replaceable. After all, Daddy was dismissed and Nathan entered with nary a ripple in your deep deep waters.


    • Yep. This is happening right now with the kids of my XW’s AP. They’re super well-behaved with him (because they know he’s slow-motion abandoning them) and only let their mother see their real selves. Which is all fine and dandy for him and my XW because they never have to deal with any drama … until one of the kids ended up committed for in-patient psychiatric care due to problems that her dad didn’t even know existed.

      It’s well known in child psychology that the kids act out with the parent with whom they feel safe and loved.

  • OMG…. narcissism on full display there.

    Was there really no way to be a better person, mother without becoming the worst kind of human being ever?

    • Don’t you know? Becoming a better person always involves tinkering around in forbidden genitalia. Not honoring vows and investing in your marriage or family. Volunteering. Picking up a new hobby. Learning something new. Going back to school. Getting therapy. Etc., etc. Nope! Cheaters gotta self actualize in strange and damage their spouse to become the true aholes they really are.

  • I have a headache and an eye twitching due to this drivel.

    I would much rather be at work in a pandemic than read this again.

    I don’t know how the UBT survived this!

  • I read this and threw up in my mouth! I have been waiting for CL to get ahold of this piece and dissect it! Thank you!

    • Yeah, I read it too, when it was originally published. I felt so awful… To see what so many cheaters think. How they feel like their “lack of fulfillment” is more horrendous than the suffering they inflict when they cheat.

      Why can’t they just talk to us?… And, honestly, is her husband even the way she described him? How many of us have been described in ways that are nothing like who we are? “Depressed, no fun, paranoid, scared, etc”… When does that happen, that they start seeing only our negative traits and they stop treating us like people?

      Is the reality that they never saw us as people?…

      • “Is the reality that they never saw us as people?…” Yes. The only “people” they pay attention to is themselves. That is their reality.

      • They can’t talk to us, because they will have to face the truth… They HATE THE TRUTH because it doesn’t line up with the false narrative.

        • Yes, they hate the truth and distort reality.

          I just re-read a text exchange between my ex and me when we were still married and while he was, unbeknownst to me, a good one year into his fuckfest with a coworker.

          In the exchange, he lies about something that had *just happened.*

          I won’t bore y’all with the details, but it was about napping and sex. He was upset I was taking a nap in a hotel after a cross-country flight. He slept on the plane. I couldn’t. He also took a nap in the hotel.

          Me: “But you slept on the plane and just took a nap here.”

          Him: “No I didnt.”

          Me: “But you did. I was with you. I watched you sleep. I heard you snore. You’re distorting reality.”

          Him: “Sad that two middle-aged people can’t be intimate.”

          Me: “What? I’m jet lagged. I just need to rest.”

          In retrospect, this makes me so sad because I know now he was ginning up reasons to justify his affair. I was just tired. Shoot me! I’m sure he was texting his AP and solidifying THAT relationship while discarding me. I feel like the victim of a fraud (among other things). I was clueless. I was used. He set up trip wires, and activated each one. It’s infuriating and sad to look back on this shit.

          • This gave me chills, [email protected], because my ex pulled exactly the same shit in the last few months of our marriage, when he had decided to exit it (unbeknownst to me) and was actively seeking an AP as a soft landing place when he discarded me. He set these “tripwires” for me CONSTANTLY: for instance, he would make plans to go biking with friends on the weekend without telling or inviting me, or he would ask me to go to the climbing gym after work while I was at work without my gear or a ride…and then at discard, it was all, “You’ve changed; you never want to do the activities with me we did when we got together.” Or, he would bite my head off or criticize me for something the minute he got home from work, and when I told him to stop, he would say, “Geez, don’t bite my head off! I just walked in the door–what could I possibly have done to you?” And then at discard, it was all, “We fought all the time, and I just couldn’t take it any more”–never mind that he had been DELIBERATELY abusing me until I would finally break and push back and gave him the card he needed in his file: “Gosh, she’s just so angry all the time”…. It gives me an aneurysm just thinking about it.

          • Oh, and another one. I would ask him EVERY NIGHT after I made him dinner (which usually got cold b/c he was “held up” at the climbing gym seducing his AP, and which he stopped thanking me for making, which should have been a big clue…) if he wanted to hang out–play a game, watch a movie, have a relationship meeting to talk about anything that was bothering him. And he would ALWAYS bow out with some excuse and end up either working on his laptop or watching ESPN with a scotch and ignoring me. And then at discard, he went all sad sausage and said, “I used to come home and drink because I knew you weren’t going to be intimate with me.” Fucker.

            • okupin,

              Yep, the same exact shit, down to the scotch.

              They want to believe what they want to believe.

              If we don’t naturally supply a good excuse for discard, they engineer some drama that will cause some sort of fight or bad situation. Then they sit back and say, “See. You’re a bitch. We don’t get along. That’s why I cheated. You’re just as bad.”

              Example: At the very end of the discard (with the AP securely in place, of course–matching tattoos and all), my ex abruptly left our lake house and then wrote to me from our primairy home over 2+ hours away that he wanted to “leave everything, go off on his own, disappear in the woods.” Naturally, I became very concerned because he sounded suicidal, and two members of his immediate family had committed suicide years before.

              I replied by text, “Are you ok? I’m worried.”

              He said something like, “I won’t hurt myself” and then immediately blocked me. I kept calling and texing. No answer. I couldn’t tell that he’d blocked me. I started calling our landline. He took it off the hook. I considered calling the cops to do a wellness check.

              Instead, I ended up driving to our home at 10:30 pm, arriving at 1 am. I envisioned him hanging from a rafter in the basement (method of choice in his family). I was SO relieved when I saw him sleeping. He opened his eyes (think horror movie) and yelled at me for not believing him when he said he wouldn’t hurt himself.

              Of course, I reacted angrily. “Why did you block me? Why didn’t you just answer the phone and calmly tell me that you were fine? Of course I would worry.” (By the way, even my adult daughter–in her 30s–had said to me upon reading his disturbing texts, ‘You have no choice but to check on him’.” So it wasn’t just me overreacting.)

              But because I reacted angrily, he calmly and coldly went on with his day, happy that he got the reaction he wanted. Weeks later, he would this as justification for leaving me.

              “You reacted so angrily. And I don’t want to be with someone who worries I’ll commit suicide.”

              He engineered it all. Fucker.

              • It’s exactly this mindfuckery that makes me raise an eyebrow when Switzerland friends, or just people who really want to believe that everyone is a good person deep down, say, “Well, I’m sure he didn’t do any of this stuff intentionally. I mean, he didn’t MEAN to hurt you.” Oh really? The kind of shit that my ex and yours machinated looks pretty fucking intentional to me. It takes a lot of work to stage that suicide ploy, or to calculate time and time again exactly when to extend that gym invitation so that I would bow out and he would be free to keep reeling in the AP…. Here’s what I think: I think they absolutely meant to hurt us. I think that once they had projected all their shit onto us, they actually fooled themselves into believing WE were the ones doing it, not them. Mine sure treated me that way after the discard–with absolute disdain and self-righteousness, as if HE were the offended party. It’s sort of when I got to this level of untangling that I realized CL and the rest of CN were right: we’ll never be able to wrap our heads around the level of fuckwittery achieved by my ex and yours…and that is probably an excellent sign for our mental health and our character.

              • Mine went for a business trip- other side of the globe- no contact for 24 hrs, no flight , hotel info… getting angry at me For waking him up – when I finally was able to find him in his hotel room.

            • Okupin,
              I know this is out of sequence, but I couldn’t add a reply to your last post.

              Regarding this, I totally agree, at least in the case of our two fuckwits: “Here’s what I think: I think they absolutely meant to hurt us. I think that once they had projected all their shit onto us, they actually fooled themselves into believing WE were the ones doing it, not them.”

              Yes 1000x yes. They dump on us all their shitty feelings and then actually feel better afterwards, like how a cat must feel after vomiting up a hair ball. After projecting all their shit onto us, they see us as the bad ones. So when they hate us, they’re really hating themselves. ????

              • Some of them even admit it.

                When my ex came wanted to come back, I said you did and said this and this and this. He said. “I don’t did that to make you hate me”

                But, if you ask him he would likely say, I never meant to hurt her.

                I don’t even think most of these guys know or remember half the shit they spout when they are exposed. They just flail and burn all the bridges. Then down the line say “whut?”

              • All those cheaters should hit the olympics in archery – cause they seem to be hitting the bulls eye every single time unintentionally.

          • “He set up trip wires, and activated each one. It’s infuriating and sad to look back on this shit.”

            I think that is the best way to describe it. It is enraging. If I had known from the beginning, could I have saved my marriage. Doubtful, but I could have saved some self respect and also thrown their fuckfest out into the open.

            He wouldn’t have enjoyed that thrill ride for near as long as he did. His fuckbuddy was so awful, and the situation he was in was so awful that once he got outed, I doubt he had much fun.

            He did start having fun again after they got married, as he resumed cheating on her. Lol. Can’t say that didn’t amuse me when my daughter in law told me about it. To be fair though I doubt she cared much, she got the steady paycheck she wanted.

  • I don’t actually know any cheaters that are good parents. She’s acting like cheating has made her a better mum, cheaters always have excuses. Sounds like she was planning on leaving her husband anyway. She scarred her kids for cheating on their dad. it made her a better mum, who is she kidding.
    My ex says to people my oldest has done thus that and the other, but where was he he, she last week passed her gcse’s. Where was he with homework etc. Bragging about her whatever. Its like a Disney dad/mum enjoys the happier times.
    Anybody can do that.

  • “He also had problems that he could only recover from after we separated.” – yeah, the biggest one being you.

    “I don’t believe I would have ever mustered the courage to leave my marriage if I hadn’t had the affair.” That’s what it all comes down to, cheaters are cowards.

    I love the UBT but sometimes it is difficult to read all of the twisted ways these people try to justify the unjustifiable and a bit scary to imagine that so many people might buy into it and think it all sounds so reasonable and “evolved” when it is just over the top entitlement.

    • I was thinking the same thing – the quote Hell of a Chump commented with yesterday from William Gibson: “Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes.”
      I am so glad to be away from that asshole and his asshole AP who is married who I am sure laps this bullshit up to justify what she is doing to her husband. Selfish, selfish, selfish people with no integrity.

  • She clearly sees all people, including her children, as objects to manipulate — as simpletons whose choices are all channeled into 1 on 1 relationships with her (as she is obviously the central information hub of the universe), displaying a predictable outcome in response to her every word and movement.

    Behold her centrally important glory.

    If her choices look “distasteful” to you, hey, that’s your problem. You must need repair because you aren’t working correctly in alignment with her rules for the universe. The one where she is a better mother. A self-described dirty & smelly, remorsessly cheating, completely selfish, child-objectifying, behavior-projecting, weirdly controlling including toothbrushing-by-force, better mother.

    (What a ridiculous load of pig crap.)

    • seriously – what IS that toothbrushing by force?? Oh, wait, she gave them a treat and then needed to abuse them. Oh boy, her sickness runs deep. How dare that little boy actually ENJOY his sugar high!!!!!! He is enjoying himself? How dare he! All abusers and toxic people are the same.

  • Yes Elle, children learn how to read as they keep going to school and learning how to read, not because you are a lying cheater.

  • She confesses to becoming more emotionally stable through the process of developing a double life of lies. Sounds highly disordered and messed up to me as a lay person. Are we sure it is her ex-husband with mental health issues?

    • And batterers “self regulate” by battering. As a former advocate, I heard so many survivors talking about the creepy “calm” of the perp following the demented explosion.

  • Reading this reminds me of the first time I read the story “Alice in Wonderland”. So many random justifications and “logic“ that made absolutely no sense… I kept wondering when she was going to get to the point.
    Instead of picking up a psychology 101 book to understand the ramifications of a person with schizophrenia and what it would do to their kids, or even, I don’t know… Maybe seeking out a therapist, you decide to have an affair???
    I get how living with such a person would be an incredible strain, but having an affair to “fix“ it doesn’t make you a good mother.

    • Me too Daddypants.
      Only she was the one with the mental illness diagnosis from a psychiatrist. She projected all manner of motivations onto me that actually just revealed the fever in her brain. She picked her skin, pulled her hair out and was delusional about co-workers out to get her. Except that her co-workers were disgusted at her because she was having sex at work and the other behaviors were exacerbated by the moral dilemma for this Jesus cheater.

  • “Hey, remember that time Mom fucked around with a side cock, lied to all of us. abandoned Dad and it was emotionally beneficial for our upbringing?” Fond childhood memories.

    With these types, infidelity is often only the tip of the iceberg.

    • Ah, fond memories indeed! “Remember when….” And I’m sure you’re right about the tip of the iceberg. She sounds like a monster of a mother.

      Cheating aside, there’s this example: “Whereas a few weeks earlier, I would have screamed expletives into the backseat…”.

      She screamed expletives at her young kids?? Yikes. Not exactly a mother-of-the-year contender, although in her mind, the cheating made her so. ????

  • The thing I enjoyed most about this (other than the UBT’s sense of snark) is the peek into the mind of a cheater. For all of you who are still seeking closure/remorse/unicornism – this is why you are never going to get it. There is NOTHING THERE. No introspection, no shame, no guilt, no remorse. Just a relentless selfishness and deep sense of entitlement to whatever makes them happy in the moment. Even her children are only relevant as a reflection of her parenting skills. She literally can not imagine that the source of their happiness or behavior or ability to learn could be anything other than her.

    • Yes, As I was laughing hysterically at the UBT, I was thinking I would love for my cheater x to read this but then I thought, he would never get it. He would probably think it enlightened philosophy that backed up his actions.

      The minds of cheaters are really scary places.

    • “For all of you who are still seeking closure/remorse/unicornism – this is why you are never going to get it.”


    • What a relief to read comments from honest, thinking, people. Gives me hope for all of us.

    • I think of this too. In Jason Aldean’s new song there is a place in there where it states ‘the old me before you belongs to the past’ and I think this is exactly how they think and how they can just walk out of one life and start another one without looking back. Gives me insight so that I stop blaming myself.

  • How sad. She was borderline abusive/abusive with her sons before, and then cutting them a bit of slack made the kids so happy.

    What a witch. Those poor kids.

    • The fact that she was *baffled* that little kids would respond positively to a parent being calm and adult-like goes to show how she thinks people ought to be treated.

  • You could also title this piece, “How to have an exit affair, and feel better about leaving your spouse, Because someone else wants to sleep with me.”

    Compartmentalization and denial are strange coping mechanisms. You separate the different parts of your brain in order to do one thing that another part of your brain would not approve of, or that you can not deal with at that time. It is like the saying, your left hand doesn’t know what the right is doing. But your eyes and the rest of your body still process the sensations and the data. I have a sister who can specialize in denial, sometimes my mother can, but I can’t seem to do it. Maybe all the parts of my brain insist on talking to each other too much? It may be helpful if you are experiencing a very traumatic event. In everyday life, I think it just postpones the inevitable

    Some people cannot eat when they are upset, others eat everything that is not nailed down. I don’t know why, but I know those are coping mechanisms, because your body needs food to survive, but in reasonable quantities. I don’t believe buying a box of donuts is good therapy for children who are acting out because they sense mom and dad have a bad marriage. I was not interested in having sex with anyone when I was going through my divorces. It was enough of a relief to me to decide it was time to call the marriage a failure, and do the hard work of getting out. Others may choose a different route. However you choose to act, is it really necessary to write a story proclaiming how wonderful you are for choosing your method? I seems like bad form to me.

    Divorce is messy, especially with kids. I hate the smug implied superiority of those who choose to “uncouple.” There are many valid reasons to get out of a marriage, none of them seem like a happy personal expression of exuberance to me. The happiness comes later, when you are establishing your boundaries and gaining a new life. You then have the hope of something better, and do not have to resign yourself to continuing to live in misery. Personally, I never like to hear or read about other people’s sex lives. Good or bad, their choices have nothing to do with mine. It is rude to brag about your sexual exploits to me. I never liked to hear about it from boys in school, or men I worked with. I always doubted any of it was true, and I felt they were insecure and overcompensating. It made them totally unattractive to me, regardless of their exterior or popularity with others. I have only experienced a few women who do this, and I didn’t want to hear them either. Is nothing private anymore?

    Articles like this must appeal to some folks, and sell. I would rather invest in a good book, see a good film, or buy some good music. I suppose the folks who tell these stories have no idea that other people may not find them fabulous. There is no accounting for taste.

    • Great analysis! There is a lot of crap on Medium. It’s not curated-anyone can publish and you have to weed through the BS.

    • “You separate the different parts of your brain in order to do one thing that another part of your brain would not approve of, or that you can not deal with at that time.”

      My therapists calls this splitting. She says they can split within themselves, which is what you’ve described here, or split regarding others (i.e., viewing someone else as all good or all bad).

      Cheaters are masters at this, especially borderline ones.

    • It appeals to whores who need validation. That’s who it appeals to. “It’s okay I sleep around and cheat. This writer says she became a better mother. Aw. I’m still a good person.”

  • I’m speechless. Is this a real letter?

    I feel sick and need to go take another shower.

    The poster woman for a narcissist on full display. Horrifying.

  • I’m glad that most of the comments left with the original article condemn cheating, and not surprised that there were supportive comments left
    (by those cool with cheating).

    The article is sickening. And I don’t care what anyone says. If you don’t want to act married, leave. Lying is wrong. Cheating is wrong. There is no defense or excuse in the world.

    But cheating is the GOAL. Cheating isn’t in reaction to a person you’re in a relationship with. The cheater wants fries AND vegetables with their entree. Unhappiness? When I’m “unhappy” at a restaurant, I leave and don’t go back. I don’t keep eating there. It took such a long time for me to really internalize that cheating was the POINT, the OBJECTIVE, and had ZERO to do with me.
    But you can’t accomplish your goal of cheating without having a chump in the dark.

    An affair is not a relationship of two; it’s a deliberately chosen relationship of THREE which requires an unwitting mark.

    Chumps, though you have been violated and gutted, remember that you are the Secret Sauce that makes that affair taste so good. You are the queen on the chessboard, the piece with the most power, though it looks and feels otherwise, and your ultimate checkmate move is to WALK AWAY and leave the lowlife cheater with their lower companion who, like mold and other creepy icky things, dies when brought out of the shadows and into the light.

    • “An affair is not a relationship of two; it’s a deliberately chosen relationship of THREE which requires an unwitting mark.”

      Velvet Hammer, I love you! Know that I will meditate on this forever – I am the secret sauce!

    • “An affair is not a relationship of two; it’s a deliberately chosen relationship of THREE which requires an unwitting mark.”

      Oh, *brilliant*.

      • Also love this: “Unhappiness? When I’m ‘unhappy’ at a restaurant, I leave and don’t go back. I don’t keep eating there. It took such a long time for me to really internalize that cheating was the POINT, the OBJECTIVE, and had ZERO to do with me.”

        Really interesting point, Velvet Hammer. Cheating is the point. Huh. I never thought of this, but I do love this idea in part because it makes me feel that once the cheating party is over, he’s left with a goody bag that he doesn’t like.

  • What a breathtaking example of shallow self-justification (and blame-shifting) masquerading as self-reflection. What possible reason other than that motivates her to write?

  • Funny, my ex’s affair just made him more of an angry asshole towards the kids as well as me. He became a better Dad when he left the house. Now he is being an asshole again because he is listening to Schmoopie who is telling him he is a bad Dad who isn’t parenting properly because his kids aren’t showing her the proper respect. Grrr.

    • Lord yes. My ex was nasty as hell to me. Screaming at me, insulting me. accusing me.

  • If the husband really is a paraniod schizophrenic, she truly does not have her children’s happiness and safety in mind at all. Some of them can become violent over things they imagine, nevermind a real threat, like cheating.

    • That’s what struck me too. She left her kids with her very mentally ill husband (their father) and swanned off to Costa Rico for THREE MONTHS.

      What? WHAT?!

      Why the hell no one put a call into social services is beyond me.

      • The thing is, he very likely is not a paranoid schizophrenic and she’s just saying he is to garner sympathy to get people on her side. Cheaters seem to always lie and make up stories about their victims to justify their behavior. Perhaps he was depressed, then became paranoid because she was a lying, cheating skank during the time he really needed her.

        • Schizophrenia does not mean someone is a monster. There are many who live with it and manage it just like any other health or mental health condition. My partner of 2 years has it and she is an absolutely lovely person. She does get insecure at times and she has a history of hallucinations/hearing things, but these things do not keep her from functioning mostly normally. So as far as I can tell, he might have it but that doesn’t mean he’s a monster and it wasn’t an excuse for her to cheat on him. It reminds me of when my ex amplified the cheating when I was in the hospital for serious health issues. They always take your weaknesses and twist them into an excuse to cheat.

          • My only experience with schizophrenia are three people. Two were quite paranoid and violent (both dead now). One a friend’s husband, the other one of two cousin’s of mine afflicted with the disease. Some are nice, I agree. With consistent medication they can often function well. Even my cousin who was occasionally violent was nice, even kind much of the time, but anything could set him off when he refused to take his meds. My friend had to leave her husband when he would wake her in the night to beat her for whatever reason only he could fathom. I have an adult child with mental illness, alhough not schizophrenia, who is at this point is unable to fully function in society. So I get it, and all the stigma that goes with that. Nonethless, paranoid schizophrenia especially in males (testosterone) who refuse to take their meds should not be provoked. It seems like this cheating writer is provoking him.

            • Nor do I consider them “monsters.” In my comment I stated that “some of them” can be violent. There are many flavors of schizophrenua and like any other mental illness there are degrees of severity. Paranoid schizophrenics are typically more often violent.

    • Well then apparently he wasn’t so scary that she didn’t leave her kids with him for 3 months while she went to Costa Rica. (Per another article.)

      • Cheaters almost always pull the she/he is crazy card on us. If he’s not mentally ill, he needs to sue her for defamation of character. Accusing someone of severe mental illness (paranoid schizophrenia) implies they are not able to work or function in society. At the very least, she needs to consider what her labels for him will do to his ability to work, which translates to child support. Besides selfish and entitled, she’s not very bright.

      • For what it’s worth, she claims t have left the kids with grandparents while dilly-dallying in Costa Rica.

        I hate-read a bunch of her stuff and I suspect it is all bunk. As in pure fantasy, just made it all up from whole cloth for the page views. Especially given the “Lara Sterling” link UXworld pointed out above.

        The bit about forcibly brushing her school age kids’ teeth, for instance – could that have been written by anybody who has ever actually raised a child?

        • Good point.

          What universe does this skank inhabit?

          Another example of the fact these fuck ups just don’t/can’t think like normal people; it simply doesn’t *occur* to her that a normal person reading that abusive shite would be thinking what the fuck!!??

      • … and hopped right on to Tinder when she got there. Per her article titled “My Hot, Sexy, Terrifying, and Humiliating Tinder Experiences in Costa Rica”

  • And coming next week: I Became a Serial Killer to Solve the World’s Overpopulation Problem.

  • Thank you for adding some humor to the sadness the author apparently does not realize she expressed.

    Your frank bluntness about her thinking process exposes a narcissistic woman without a conscience.

    Having a mentally ill husband has to be hard. Parenting is difficult enough as it is. But while cheating?

    I have a thought. Isn’t she putting a lot of pressure on her cheating partner? If he doesn’t satisfy her will she start verbally abusing her kids again?

  • Elle… what if:

    – your kids know you’re cheating and are internalizing it as “their fault”… so they’re trying to be good to make you stop

    – you’re the one with mental health issues (husband’s notwithstanding)

    – you are nothing more original than any other garden variety cheating fuckwit

    CL and UBT: thank you for this gem:

    Other parents would be like, “I AM PULLING THIS CAR OVER RIGHT NOW.” Whereas I’m like whatevs. I’m hooking up with Nathan at 4.

    That was totally Mr. Sparkles… he could “suffer” through our family vacations to the beach for 3 or 4 days before he would announce he suddenly had to drive home (about a 1.5 hour drive) to do something for work that just couldn’t wait… he lived (and lives) for the future fucks… and gives zero to the one he is married to (or living with).

    • Shit. Mine would suddenly leave vacations, too. Important “work” to attend do. In the end, he didn’t even bother making up excuses. He just left. I was like, “Well, he needs some time to himself. The poor guy is going through retriement. That’s got to be tough. He has a difficult job as a physician. He wants to fish. I can’t blame him.”

      How did I end up denying and spackling so much? Looking back, I cringe. I feel like someone who left a cult.

      • Leaving a cult is probably a good comparison. Especially after a long term relationship and years of spackling. What seems normal to you is very abnormal to those outside, looking in. You are so used to the abuse, you don’t even see it.

        • ????

          It i s the only way I can explain how I didn’t see or at least admit some major red flags

          • I was the classic frog in the slowly boiling water. I stayed put when the temp was beyond what’s normally tolerated. My ex tossed in a few ice cubes (aka crumbs) here and there to keep me swimming in that water, completely oblivious. Oh, and he was gone so much that I guess I just figured my life was good. Lots of friends. Great kids. Oof.

            I think that’s what’s making me saddest right now. I don’t miss the fuckwit. In fact, I’m relieved to have him out of my life. That said, I’m still incredibly hurt by the betrayal.

            I also feel sad that I didn’t recognize the abuse and tolerated his BS for 35 years (it got esp bad during the discard phase (when he “let love blossom” between himself and the AP ????).

            I feel guilty that I didn’t get out sooner for the sake of my kids.

            Please let my story be a cautionary tale for younger chumps who haven’t jumped out yet and a comfort to those who have.

  • Medium has an adultery problem. Or the editors do, or something.

    They seem to run articles in favor of it on the regular. In May there was one from an OW wherein she explained that, “wow, screwing a married man maybe wasn’t my best choice.” (also insert E. Perel quote).

    So, ick. But the comments are brisk and corrective (you are a selfish person, et cet.). Dunno.

  • Elle Silver provides as good an example of narcissistic and delusional thinking as you will ever fine.

  • This line is why I come back here even after I’m pretty sure I know all that I need to know about cheaters/narcissists: “Other parents would be like, “I AM PULLING THIS CAR OVER RIGHT NOW.” Whereas I’m like whatevs. I’m hooking up with Nathan at 4.”

    Thank God Chump Lady created a space not only to foster healing, but for us all to enjoy just how funny extreme narcissism and entitlement is — especially when they’re not self-aware enough to realize how ridiculous they sound! Our experiences are so painful, but comedy allows us to alchemize it into something good.

    • I know. My cheater did his thing to me decades ago (though I am triggered lately because I moved back to the same area). I come here for that, but I come here just as much to figure out the narcissist mind. I have several in my family of origin and still try to figure some of it out. The best books and movies are about people overcoming horrible things and becoming strong, if not stronger than they were. A lot if that shows up here, which us why I keep reading. We are the chumpions!

    • If we could just get the fact out there that these fuckwits are making life decisions for someone else, not just themselves.

      Cheaters will use the betrayed spouse for years. My mind screams it has to stop, but…

  • What a vapid POS that woman is.

    Frankly, I’m about to call the ASPCA on Chump Lady for putting her pet UBT through this ordeal. There are not enough cookies in the world.

  • Oh for fucks sake! Call Betsy Devos! Elle can cure learning disorders with pussy. *dead* while my ex was secretly cheating, everything in our daily lives seem to be deteriorating. The kids weren’t magically better behaved or performing academic miracles in school, our marriage did not improve, and most importantly of all he was not happier. and of course his biggest justification for cheating was that it made him happy because living with me was so damn depressing. “You’re never happy! “Yes, I was exhausted caring for a newborn, two boys on the autism spectrum and a young daughter with developing borderline personality disorder. pardon the fuck out of me that I won’t stay up until three in the morning drinking with you and your mistress because Adulting. I think this idiot is mistaking Limerence and hormones with genuine happiness. Apparently cheaters have never heard the phrase if the grass seems greener on the other side, try watering your own.

  • OMG THE BOYS WERE PICK-ME DANCING. They were left with no sane parent.

    Other commenters noted the same thing happening with children when parents cheat.

    As far as the sudden improvement in sons’ LD and behavior problems, I wonder if this has to do with the fact that people having affairs often suddenly launch into fitness routines which might include improved diet. There’s a rash of current studies showing an epigenetic, microbiome and allergy link to schizophrenia. It may not be the condition itself which is genetic but the immune system susceptibility which is heritable. If, like so many cheaters, Elle decided to de-flab for Shmoopie and/or if she suddenly started serving fresh instead of canned and laid off the junk food after the doughnut incident as an image-managing guilt-reduction strategy, according to the epigenetic theory of schizophrenia as a heritable immunological “fragility” that can manifest differently in different generations, her kids would predictably improve.

    Cheater’s dad developed moderate schizophrenia and my middle kid, who inherited paternal grandad’s uncanny musical talent, didn’t talk in sentences until he was taken to an allergist who specialized in environmental medicine, metabolic disorders and autoimmunity. Within a week of starting treatment, including dietary changes, my son’s vocabulary exploded.

    Later my son told me that when he was a tot and unable to fully communicate, he thought having constant stomach pain was normal and that he’d be in pain for the rest of his life. He still remembers the name of the doctor who “saved” him though you’d think he was too young to register anything that was happening to him back then.. Little did I know I could have just fucked the doctor for the same result. Oh well.

  • I wonder how much of what Elle Silver writes is at all true. Like UXWorld pointed out Silver = Sterling; also Elle (L) Silver is Lara Sterling and reading Lara Sterling’s write up on that alumnus page, she wrote for Larry Flynt publications (Hustler) and for Playboy Spain. Not exactly what you would picture for wayward suburban mother in unhappy marriage.

    Her writing is terrible and overwrought. Selfish and self centered. I like the comment that children try their hardest with the parent that ignores them. It’s a sad commentary. I did the same thing. My dad, who I love dearly, used to punish with silence. My husband used to do the same thing. It’s an unloving and abusive action and I know that now, but it has a huge impact.

    • SerenityNow, I love this phrase: “Punish with silence.”

      That’s exactly what my ex did…for 35 years. It got worse in the last two years when he was planning the discard (and deep into the affair). You are right that it’s abusive and painful.

      There’s a beautiful park near my place that I still can’t enter without feeling incredibly sad. In our last months together, we took long walks there with our infant grandchild. My ex didn’t talk to me. He walked ahead or behind. He always seemed lost in thought. I’ve since learned why.

      For some reason, that haunts me. There I was, a new grandmother feeling so happy and earnest; I was cluelss.

      I’ve never felt more lonely in my life. I’m less lonely now that I’m alone.

  • This one was so awful, I just couldn’t finish reading it. It made me want to barf. This woman is a truly demented and horrible human being.

  • It is always, always about the money. Tracy, you are as important to the world as food, clothing and shelter. You really are. You save lives. Writers like this woman are in it for the money. That article has absolutely no redeeming value. If you move over to social media and look there are people vying to be influencers. What a term! They will say and do anything to get publicity. There is no shame left in the world.

  • Wow, I’m so happy this chick had such a wonderful experience! Personally, my child was devastated by the the results of sperm donor’s whoring. Maybe it only works if you are the one fucking around.

  • I’m living this right now. She is saying the same nonsense about the affair making her better etc but the reality is she was much much worse to everyone including the kids. After 3 years I know know why. Recently uncovered. Totally delusional. She has blown us all up. For what????

    • I’m so sorry that you’re going through this pain right now. It’s a nightmare that you don’t deserve. Please keep reading CL along with LACGAL, so you can gain the strength to take out the trash cluttering up your life. (((hugs)))

    • Anthony–

      For what? It’s hard to understand if you’re not a cheater. Shallowness, ego kibble, to keep from feeling chronically empty due to personality disorders from shitty upbringing and internalizing the worst things done to them as kids to the point that they became just as bad as what was done to them.

      The reason skein untangling and chumps psychoanalyzing cheaters isn’t encouraged here is because it can be a pity trap where chumps fall for the poor sad disordered victimized sausage jive that cheaters put out when busted. But if you can keep the analysis abstract and bear in mind that “understanding” why they do it is not the same as “condoning,” there are a lot of studies and clinical personality profiles of the chronically unfaithful and their mate-poaching accomplices. This is the most recent one I read:

      The study is about mate poaching but it might as well be about some of the she-cheaters I’ve encountered.

      A cheater contemplating marriage is like someone who spent their entire life in a high rise who suddenly decides to start a vineyard because they like wine. That is, until they find out about the work involved and the intricate, intuitive and practical knowledge of weather, soil, harvesting and fermentation and everything else required of a good vintner. Then they freak out, run to the minimart for some two buck chuck and let their fields go to mulch while binging and blaming sour grapes, the wind, the birds, the gay conspiracy or the neighbor’s llama farm for the failure of the endeavor. They swear that two buck chuck is way better than Chateau Lafite to keep regret at bay and try to burn down the cask shed with the sommeliers inside.

  • Well, I’ll never get that 5 minutes back. But Thanks for enlightening me about Medium so I can avoid it.

    We call this R&J and every sober drunk has had to work through it. Rationalize and Justify.

    I wonder if she would have allowed her hubby and new gf to go up and fuck in her bed with a nice cool seltzer water served afterwards while she kept the kids distracted with video games downstairs. Sophisticated.

    The smell of deceit!! Really!!?

    Early, early Post abandonment when I was dancing ???? with my x to come back home, we agreed to meet for dinner, then shop for our granddaughters first birthday presents afterwards.

    Walking through Walmart clothing section I got a whiff of that smell of deceit I hadn’t noticed in the restaurant. It brought back memories of open air market rotting fish while cruising the ville in South Korea. AP must have shagged her good beforehand.

    My dance vigor vanished after that experience.
    Talk about adding insult to injury. Needless to say my course to divorce was pretty much concretely set.

    The comment about silvers waking thoughts of Nathan and the preoccupation with it… This registered with me. RIC calls it limerance. It’s a broadcast signal our chump radars pick up that tells our subconscious that something is terribly wrong.

    • CL’s UBT was as always, spot on and hilarious.

      But this crap is educational in a way – a peek into the festering sludge that is the mind and ‘soul’ of the cheater.

      Oh, those *poor* children. This cow makes my soul shudder.

      I don’t believe for one second the poor husband is a “paranoid schizophrenic”, because we all know the cheater’s MO is to make up shit about us, to make themselves feel better about their grubby behaviour.

      But even if he is, that is *no* excuse for cheating, this bag of vomit is just a gutless, cowardly bitch, like they all are.

      *Ugh* ????????

    • OMG, Marcus– acid flashback! Rotting fish, yes. He came back from a “work trip” with that smell on him.

      After D-day he told me she liked to go commando because she claimed it’s “healthier.” I started laughing. It’s only healthier if someone has chronic yeast or bacterial infections from, say, alcoholic dysbiosis.

      I’m sure he showered half a dozen times before I caught a whiff. Never smelled anything quite like it. Still I had no clue at the time. I thought he’d been storing lindburger or chum in his shorts. Later I was tested for everything.

      The very swampy smell of deceit.

      • Geezus. I’m sorry you guys were treated to the smell. That’s just gross. As if the betrayal weren’t enough, you have an olfactory memory to add to the shitty mix.

        Oh, and Marcus, my x and I share a granddaughter, too. In the last weeks of our relationship (pre D-Day), we went to REI becuase my x was planning a hiking trip by himself. That didn’t’ seem too odd to me. He’d just retired. I understood that he might enjoy a solo hike. Anyway, in REI I said I wanted to buy a winter jacket for our grandchild. This man (a wealthy physician) said, “Her parents should buy her a winter jacket themselves.” I shot back, “I’m buying our grandchild a winter jacket”…and then saw that they didn’t have any in her size, but still….point made!

        It turns out he was shopping for a hiking trip with his mistress in a different state (he had to fly there). He LIED about it all. He gave me a detailed itinerary of a hiking trip in one state but instead flew to another to be with her. Boggles the mind!

        It’s all so effed up. What kind of person can go with his wife and grandchild to a store to buy supplies for a tryst with his mistress and complain about spending money on a jacket for his only grandchild? That takes some low-character balls to pull off.


        • Spinach– It all stinks, doesn’t it? The literal gets lost in the proverbial.

        • Unfortunately a lot of them.

          Mine took me Christmas shopping for his whore. She was his employee and he wanted to get her a warm sweater for Christmas. I said it is inappropriate for you to buy your employee a personal gift, you should give her a gift cert, or a cash bonus. Gaaahhhhhh, little did I know he was giving her a steady supply of cash, dinners and orgasms.

          But to make it worse he decided he wanted to make a state shaped clock for our son, and decided he would also make one for his whore and for me. (I still didn’t know) I figured that was less personal than a sweater, you know at least the big clueless guy was trying. He was out of cash, so I went down to the hobby store and bought the supplies.

          My son and schmoopie got their clocks, I never got mine.

          To this day when I see that Indiana shaped clock hanging on my son’s wall, I want to rip it down and stomp it. He doesn’t know the origin of the clock. I don’t want to ruin it for him.

  • Read the titles of her other work on Medium. She’s so disgusting and seems braggadocios about it. She even offers the typical bullshit excuses and sad sausage shit. No doubt our cheating spouses would come up with some other lame shit to try and paint themselves in the best light if they were given a byline. BTW, this woman is batshit crazy given some of her political rants and articles but I’ll leave you to discover that.

    Check out these other
    “I abandoned my familyto live in Costa Rica for 3 months and it saved my life”
    “My Husband Didn’t Suspect I was Cheating on Him: And That’s Exactly Why Our Marriage Was Failing”
    “My husband couldn’t stop me from cheating by my kids could. How my children righted my moral compass”
    “I hosted my ex husband’s date with a new woman in my apartment”
    “My first sleepover with a man after I separated from my husband”
    “How a trench coat saved me from cat calling in Barcelona”
    “Americans refuse to wear masks because of selfish individualism” HAHA- This is rich coming from a cheater who nuked her family cause of her selfishness (regardless of how you feel about masks, her calling someone selfish is hysterical)

    • ““My Husband Didn’t Suspect I was Cheating on Him: And That’s Exactly Why Our Marriage Was Failing””

      Exactly, that is why my marriage failed, because I was just too stupid to see he was a cheating cad. Because, I believed the shit he was saying for so many years, until he turned mean. Or maybe, just dropped the mask. Either way it was my fault.

    • Ah, she mistook “guano” for “guapa” while traveling in Spain.

  • Man, this is post-hoc justification of the highest order…and just gross. By her logic, if she had just had the character and courage to end her marriage in a dignified manner, she could have reached the same platitude AFTER they split by having a post-marriage relationship with a new guy. I shudder to think that she actually believes that the thrill she got with cheating somehow made her a better mother, because that would be full sociopathic.

    End one relationship before you start a new one…this is a basic rule. And: don’t betray others.

  • This made me feel quite nauseous when I read it earlier in the week. ChumpLady has given us the rosetta stone to decrypt Cheater-speak and this self-serving piece gave so many reasons to feel queasy.

  • “I can only imagine that was the reason why my boys helped push our cart to the car that day at the market. They unloaded the bags into the trunk for me, then got into the car without me having to demand it.”

    Oh, FFS.

    These children CAN SEE your self absorption and inattention!
    They ARE TERRIFIED you are going to abandon them too!
    They are TRYING THEIR HARDEST to ‘be perfect’ so you won’t!

    These viciously selfish destructive people.

    • Exactly.

      It is the very reason when my ex during the last 1.5 years of our marriage started screaming at me, for every little infraction he could find or drum up. I hunkered down, and tried to fix and do better, you know because he was so stressed (according to him stressed by his new promotion).

      Only difference is, we know something is wrong and we ask, then are usually lied to. Children don’t know what to ask, they just sense it.

  • It’s unreal what a disgrace to you’re children why not just “ADULT” and ask for a divorce?

  • Well of course the boys are behaving better…
    They’re scared shitless that they are next to get fucked over

  • Please look for my new book ” Eating Chocolate Cake Made Me Look Like Schwarzenegger”

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