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Sad Sausage Tales?

The sad sausage self-pity channel probably provokes more Stupid Shit Cheaters Say than the other two channels, rage and “charm.” It’s kind of absurd for chumps to expect comfort from the cheaters who gutted us, but it is exponentially more ridiculous that cheaters want sympathy from chumps.

Really, dude, you want me to understand that you’re grieving your affair partner?

Is this a hard time for you? You feel pain too? No, wait — MORE?

Somehow after discovery you’re called upon to understand They Haven’t Been Happy for a Long Time. And don’t you feel just terrible the ways in which you’ve been an obstacle to their happiness? I think you should. They’ve suffered so much.

So today, CN, tell me the craziest thing your cheater wanted sympathy for.

Poor sausages.

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    • Yep. What sort of person gets pleasure/power from knowing they made someone cry? Sick bastard.

      I don’t have any sad sausage tales re the affair, because I kicked him out, filed, and went total NC, but in 23 years of marriage, not *once* did he ever blame himself for anything that went wrong, it was *always* someone else’s fault, usually mine.

      • Oh, I forgot, in his Form E he stated “this whole process has made me ill”, like he had had nothing to do with the ‘process’.

        Also stated, “please stop referring to [rat faced whore] as my partner. I am not in a relationship with (whore) and she no longer lives here.”

        Next day I saw said rat faced whore on the balcony of his flat in her dressing gown. ????????

        • He saw the completion of Form E as an affront. ‘But it’s 28 pages long’. He’s a Real Estate lawyer! You’ve got to laugh!

            • This isn’t 100% on topic but I am imbedding it near the top so that it will be read. I was just at my bank and got the BEST information. STBX has ACCOUNTS there, but has only ever let me know about one. The gentleman that was helping me went through a divorce last year, so he was sympathetic. He said that their bank offers a FREE estate planner (or something like that) that will go over all of the STBX’s accounts with me!!! It is a nationally recognized bank so any of you in the divorce process (or considering it) here in the U.S., see if your bank offers the same service. I know that the other day someone mentioned that they and their husband had separate bank accounts, so this is very helpful in that kind of situation. Can’t wait to catch him lying about his accounts!

              • Who knew ? Thanks for the info. Note to all chumps during their exit strategy-change banks ! Update your direct deposit info if you’re working outside the home. Any expected inheritance in the future ? Seek legal and tax advice.

              • I’m not sure this is accurate information unless your name is on the account. While this person may be sympathetic I doubt it’s legal. I’d check with an attorney. I know I was unable to access his accounts and let’s not forget they may have accounts at other banks as well as safety deposit boxes.

              • Okay, so went in and the financial planner is able to look at STBX’s accounts and assured me that I would be just fine financially going forward, but he did not reveal any of STBX’s information. No worries, that is what subpoenas are there for. Going back in next week because the financial planner is going to help me with setting up retirement accounts, planning, etc. All free advice until I sign with the bank and then it is a one time fee, unlike my current investors that take a percentage. Still recommend going into your current bank and seeing what additional services might be available to you. My new policy has been it’s free to ask and I will take all of the advice from experts that I can get!

                The tax return doesn’t show any other accounts and the Stupid One is too dumb to get a safety deposit box.

        • For non-UK readers, Form E is a document where people are required to list all of their assets and liabilities.

          It is an offence to lie or omit on your Form E.

          Punishable by jail. The British courts don’t mess around, and they don’t take kindly to SAH spouses without whose (often unpaid) support, careers would not have flourished, to being abandoned. English law is in community of property, ie, the chump gets half.

          This is why billionaires wives fly to London to file.

          • I’ve had to take out a court order to get her to fill it in. We exchange Forme Es in three days. I have a feeling she still hasn’t completed it. Contempt of court awaits in whatever form that may take.

      • “This isn’t easy for me either. Do you know how hard it is to end an affair with someone you love?”

        She said this on a Sunday evening having just returned from a two night holiday with her lover while I stayed home looking after the children.

        The memory still cuts me thirty five years later.

    • The equivalence! That he sees the affair partner and you as the same is all you need to know to know it’s time to leave.

      • Oh no, the affair partners are more than us in their minds. Less than two weeks after DDay when we were supposed to be in reconciliation, ex was lamenting, “she cares about me and I hurt her”. My response was “I care about you and you hurt me”. No response. My feelings were irrelevant.

        Another time (less than a week after DDay), he was telling me how horrible her husband was to have cheated on her and how kind she was to have taken him back. He said this to me with no sense at all of the irony of what he had just said.

        • They have no sense of irony. They occupy an alternative reality, one in which everything they do is acceptable, for whatever reason they give at any given time.

          • No sense of irony!
            One of Wasband’s biggest arguments in the divorce was that I am an incompetent mother.
            One day he brought me some wall hangings from the marital home. Included was a plaque he had given me a few years ago. It said “Good moms have sticky floors, messy kitchens, and happy kids.”

            I believe I laughed my ass off and gave it back to him. He did not understand. I said, “You argued in court that I was a terrible mother! I don’t want it.”

            He looked genuinely confused.

            • A guy I dated listed one of the big reasons he divorced his first wife was she was a bad mother. ?????? So she’s a bad mom so you divorce her and leave the kids with alone with her?

            • Battle tempered Lionheart:

              ” I said, “You argued in court that I was a terrible mother! I don’t want it.”

              He looked genuinely confused.”

              I expect he was, I often think cheaters have a lot in common with petty criminals, they’re incapable of reasoning from A to B.

              Or, they simply say whatever they think will serve them in the moment, then it just floats away like autumn mist.

              I do so hope you got custody of your children and you don’t have to do much co-parenting with that arsehole. ????

              • “Or, they simply say whatever they think will serve them in the moment, then it just floats away like autumn mist.”

                Honestly, I think this is so true, at least from my experience. He made conflicting statements in the same conversation. I really think that many of them just flail to defend themselves, give no thought to anything, but saying what they need to in the moment.

                Unfortunately, all that means is you can’t believe anything; because you have gotten so many different stories.

                My daughter in law told me after the ex and his schmoopie got married, she told her that the ex (now her FW, since he cheated on her) won’t let her say anything negative about me, and that he kept a ribbon and some pictures that he won’t let her toss. I am betting after the years of telling her that he never loved me and how awful I was, that was confusing to her.

                But again, who knows what is in their minds.

        • That reminds me of the time when ex said “Whoever I choose, someone is going to get hurt” … Then it turned out that she didn’t actually want him as a partner, and I told him I didn’t love him any more. I guess it was him that got hurt.

          • My ex-husband actually said to me, “Why do I think that no matter what I choose, I am going to end up alone?”

            My reaction 1: When did I, the wife, become a choice to be made? I thought that choice was made when we got married and now I’m being pitted against another woman? WTF?

            My reaction 2: You should be alone. You are no good to anyone. How dare you think that you can just monkey-branch into your affair and think everything in life will follow suit.

            My reaction 3: This says a lot about how messed up your brain is that you can’t even recognize how ridiculous this all is. It is time to grow up and wake up. A marriage is at stake here, 15 years together being thrown away. There are two young children. Two families that have become friends with one another over the years. A shitload of assets.

            His answer: You just don’t understand how she makes me feel.

            And there it is. It’s not about her. You could trade her out for any other desperate woman with ambiguous morals. As long as the woman helps transport him to the feelings he nostalgically remembers experiencing in his 20s, when life was simpler, your time and money were your own, then he’s hooked.

            The sad-sausage tale is one of the emotionally immature, of the fragmented identity, of the weak character and weak mind, of the childishly entitled, of the superficial thought-process, of the instant gratification, of the failed adult.

            • Your last paragraph cuts to the heart of the cheater’s moral weakness, ONM, the inability to grow up and a penchant for sentimental flights of fancy based on superficial notions of the advantages of a life free from responsibility. Shallow af in other words…

            • And tragically for the broken family/wife, he really thinks or thought this feeling with this woman will last forever. I say tragically for the family and wife, because quite frankly the cheater will likely get what they deserve.

              The wife and kids don’t. At least not in the short term. Long term they will be ok.

        • @Chumpinrecovery – Ugh, this reminded me of early days. We were supposedly trying to make it work when I got very similar to what you described. Some slop about how she doesn’t cry and she was crying and she loves him and he just can’t feel right hurting someone like that. When I pointed out “oh but I cry and you can hurt me just fine?” He gave this nauseatingly wimpy little half shoulder shrug. What the hell was I thinking trying to ‘work it out’???!

          • They are all the same! He “couldn’t give up someone who loved him as much as she does” but gave up me who loved him (like loved in the real way) for 27 years and his six children too and his reputation and the love and respect of my entire family. He put me through hell and back during the lowest part of my life (fighting cancer!).

            • Whoa! I think….I really think I got the same words from Fredo! Like almost verbatim. Along with 23 years and 2 kids and my entire family. Damn, they really are all the same aren’t they? Suzy I really hope you doing well now and feeling better and better.

        • Why is it that all cheaters all of a sudden protect their OW like it were them that they were married too this entire time?? I did all of the hard work, and invested my entire life into our family. Then when confronted, and I call the OW a penis-nosed ho worker, they rush off to protect them!! Like where was I in this whole scheme of things?

          • I will never get it.

            There must be something to that teenage boy thing that they are reverting too because of the excitement of strange. It is the only thing I can think of.

              • It is the only thing that makes sense, because I know most of these guys are not stupid, they know their spouses are not the enemy that they are trying to make them.

                Dang it, I know too/to and two, honestly.

              • Back in the mid ’80’s , we called them baby-men. Little boys who didn’t want to grow up. Gay community called them Peters. As in Peter Pan.

      • Same deal. My ex told me that his hoe was upset that he told me her name. (She was a divorce lawyer getting a divorce from a divorce lawyer). When I told him that I was not interested in hearing any more about her feelings, his response was “bitches be trippin.’’”

        What an asshole.

      • At first he was saying, it was no big deal, it was just sex and he could “kick her to the curb” if he wanted to. Then he was all mopey and sad because she is so “amazing” and “doesn’t want to hurt her.” When that sent me into a tailspin of crying jags, he kept trying to make it seem like I was the selfish one for making him feel bad for loving her, and how he was so much more in pain than I was.

        What a sick fuck.

    • After I found out that he’s been fucking prostitutes during his lunch hour for five years:

      “ You told people. Now it’s all going to snowball! This should’ve been a private matter between you and me!”

      Ummmmm. What?

      • Yeah, what’s with cheaters being mad that you dared to tell people? Mail for his family would arrive at our condo and periodically I would meet with one of them to hand it over. So when I saw his aunt I mentioned that we were divorcing, that I would not be living at the condo much longer, and that she would need to make other arrangements (he never met with his family if he could avoid it). I also told her why we were divorcing.

        I get home and Nitwit’s all, “What the hell did you tell her for? She’s the biggest gossip in the family.” I told him that we couldn’t keep a divorce a secret and that I was done covering for him. Little did I realize the reason he didn’t want me telling people about our divorce was because he didn’t actually want a divorce. Oh, he said he wanted a divorce but that was just to get me dancing. Installing my UBT has been a lifesaver.

        If you can’t do the time, don’t do the crime. If he really wanted to control the narrative so badly he could have just given them the mail himself or (gasp) not had an affair in the first place.

        • “Yeah, what’s with cheaters being mad that you dared to tell people?”

          Because it tarnishes their cherished image, or whatever bullshit they’ve been telling others about *us*.

          Almost the first words out of fucktard’s mouth after Dday were (in an aggrieved tone)” I suppose you’ve told everybody! ”

          You betcha mate.

          • Oh, after my first few weeks of pick me dancing, after he moved out; I told anyone that asked: “He dumped me for another woman he had been running around with behnd my back” Was it embarrassing, yep; but better than being vague and letting his version of the story stand.

            My FWs version was always “we grew apart” Um, yeah we did; when you started fucking your direct report, you started pushing me away. As I have said before I could almost name the date it started.

            • I did the same. Isn’t it weird how you feel embarrassed when they were the one who did something to be embarrassed about?

              I told everyone the truth when I had to tell people we were no longer together. I needed the extra support because this wasn’t just a normal break up where you feel sad and then get over it. I knew I was going to be in for a rough ride because it makes you question everything. Every time I told someone and they reacted with shock and indignation, it made me feel a little stronger and less crazy. And if he faces social consequences from it, well then that’s the result of his own actions.

              I left him because I found out he had been sending explicit messages and photos to at least one other woman for three months. I’m very sure he will miss that part out of his version of events.

              • “I did the same. Isn’t it weird how you feel embarrassed when they were the one who did something to be embarrassed about?”

                Yep, and I really wish I had spilled my guts to folks about how I was treated by him in private for about 1 to 1.5 years before he left. I held that in until just recently when he blew up my sons life with his and schmoopies lies and reckless lifestyle.

                But, the good news is, it forced me to finally confront my anger at myself.

      • Same deal. My ex told me that his hoe was upset that he told me her name. (She was a divorce lawyer getting a divorce from a divorce lawyer). When I told him that I was not interested in hearing any more about her feelings, his response was “bitches be trippin.’’”

        What an asshole.

      • Maybe if he’d treated his marriage and sex life as a private matter, between you and him….

        Oh never mind, there’s no use applying reason to this BS.

      • “This should’ve been a private matter between you and me!””


        No FW, our marriage was a private matter between us, until you blew it to hell and back. In my case FW asked me to keep it quiet until he could get his head on straight. I lasted about three weeks, during which he was moving out. Finally I blew. It helped me a lot. And truth be told a lot of other folks knew way before I did. It was just that they were also police officers, so they kept quiet.

      • After Our first meeting with a marriage counselor after DDay x said “I can’t believe you told him everything” He wanted us to go to a retreat – guess he was thinking of the ideal pick me dance set up.
        Still took me 6 months to change the locks. What a chump.

      • My ex phoned my MOTHER trying to get her sympathy the first time I threw him out. ( Stupid me took him back later). But I was not allowed to tell HIS family what he had done.

    • My x was having an affair with a member of our staff (I’m a mega Chump so it took me another 15 years to leave) so about a year later I saw on the cel phone bill he had a 90 minute conversation with her. When I asked him WTF he replied “jeez, give me a break, it was the one year anniversary of our first kiss.”

  • Along with cheater, therapist asked me ‘What? Do you want him to hate her????’, referring to AP.
    I knew the answer they wanted from me was ‘no’,
    But I courageously said, ‘YES, you’ve obviously not been cheated on.’
    It was as if the AP was the victim and cheater and therapist were in conversion therapy to get me to forgive everyone. It was screwy! I came away from there so confused and re-traumatized. It was a huge setback.
    That was when I began to emotionally detach from him, therapy and started planning my exit. It took awhile, though. #hopiumhits delayed the inevitable.

    • Shelly,

      I’m so sorry you had to deal w/that! That’s appalling, and further mental and emotional abuse of you. Obviously your ex is a fuckwit, but the therapist too? What an asshole! I hope you’re in a happier place now. God, your story makes me so pissed off for you. Lots of hugs and best wishes to you moving forward. I hope you and your family are well and stay safe in these times.

    • Honestly, I don’t have a very favorable view of couple’s therapy. Eff the books which are nothing but victim blaming shit-sandwich eating texts.

      • Yes, mine should have told me to run and never look back, but instead she smiled and took my $165 an hour to help brainwash me into accepting the unacceptable. I recently told a good friend that marriage counseling, if they choose to do it, should only take few session, because all the counselor can do for you is teach you how to communicate better. If the problem persists after communication, then the problem is no longer a misunderstanding, it’s simply that you do not agree. Then, according to Chump lady, you have to decide if the relationship is acceptable to you. Unfortunately for me, apparently it was, and the rest of the sessions we had were all about me twisting my values around to match the reality of what I had married. Ugggh..

        • Given the opportunity (had he in the beginning wanted to save the marriage) I would have been susceptable to that. I was so desperate to save the marriage. Only for a short time, but had I been encouraged, I coulnd’t have been taken advantage of by an unscrupilous therepist.

          Thankfully, by the time he decided to start reaching back to me, I was done. I did give him one chance. It lasted a week, he was a total ass. Still not sure why he wanted to come back that week, but I think I know; and it had nothing to do with me.

        • I spent 3 years at $180 an hour with the marriage therapist. She helped STBX cover up his affairs and tried to get me to accept a “unique” marriage that she would never define. It was, it turned out, the whole idea of me accepting that he would always have an affair partner.

          She did write me an apology email after I told her the marriage was over. She said she was sorry she didn’t meet my needs.

    • Our “couples therapist” was an ass like that too. Always worried for his comfort & completely missing the sociopathic admissions wtf

      • Sometimes I wonder if they do that because they know they aren’t going to get anything from the cheater, so in order to deem the marriage a “success” they have to put it all on the betrayed spouse.

        Either divorce or staying in the marriage is hard, but it seems like from the recon stories I read, the betrayed spouse is just living a life of constant pick me dancing/walking on egg shells (on steroids. ) to keep the cheater from straying again.

          • I have read several sets of stats. Even on the Affair Recovery site.

            The numbers are not good for long term success after reconcilliation after an affair. I forget the exact numbers but most eventually end in divorce and the cheater doing it again.

            It is great for those who change themselves, but dang the risk to the betrayed partner is huge. Add in the anquish they have to go through to reconcile.

    • Shelly–

      Aside from the question of why we even agree to go to RIC therapists, what is it with the wreconciliation therapists disallowing any criticism of APs?

      Imagine the police insisting they could only take reports on the criminal who defrauded your business in person and not their cohort who you never met or met once and whose shiny new Porsche Carrera was paid for with your company’s pilfered pension fund.

        • And/Or who’ve never been cheated on. My therapist isn’t this bad, but I’ve had to assert myself on a couple of occasions. One time the fuckwit said that he felt like we were ganging up on him, and it made him feel bad about himself (this was before he left & I actually knew anything, but suspected). She responded with a sweet, “We don’t want you to feel bad.” To which I replied, “Wait a minute! Why shouldn’t he feel bad? He’s done bad things. When people do bad things, they *should* feel bad”! Fortunately, she corrected herself and didn’t let him manipulate her further. He’s a master at that shit! Not surprisingly, he stopped going to therapy altogether….

          • “Not surprisingly, he stopped going to therapy altogether….”

            And that seems to be the crux of why they (RIC) cater to the cheater, they know he/she won’t sit there and take it, but the heartbroken betrayed spouse just might. Cha ching.

          • There are so many horror stories about RIC encounters. They either suck up to the one they assume is paying the bill or the cheater.

            I just don’t get the knee-jerk defense of the AP. It seems to go beyond some philosophical issue that the cheater should bear all the blame (but not too much, not enough to chase them out of therapy) and verge into something subjective or pathological.

            • It just seems to boil down to be gentle with the cheater, and make the betrayed continue to eat shit sandwiches if that is what it takes to keep the marriage together.

        • Just out of curiosity I googled the “theRapist” my parents went to in the groovy sixties/seventies. All the men in the group were abusing (cheating on) their wives. I couldn’t find his or his wife’s obituary;they’re in their nineties. But I did find mug shots of their late in life son.
          My mother became friends with one of the other wives. This woman stayed with her cheater Howard the Whoremonger. She said the therapist was batshit crazy… Her husband died years ago and she is suffering with dementia. Her daughter fled across the country after her father’s death and the two sons aren’t married either. But hey at least there’s all that money Whoremonger made to pay for the house in NJ, the pied à terre and the home aide to look after her !

    • That therapist is a disgrace to the profession! Like another poster said, couples therapy is generally a scam. Individual therapy to help you work through your trauma might be a good idea, though. I count myself extremely fortunate that I never got sucked into the RIC; by the time Nitwit suggested MC I was already firmly committed to the divorce path. More luck than management on my part, really.

      • Same here, by the time he came sniffing back, I honestly was disgusted by him. Can’t believe I did the pick me dance for even a few weeks. Gag.

        Also, he didn’t want me back, he just wanted to destabilize me, and keep me in his stable. I am pretty sure of that.

        I don’t see how folks forget the awful things they say, I know not all of them do that, but from the reconcilliation thread I read many of them do, and I just don’t get how they forget that. I would have never felt safe or loved. The “oh I just said that to make you hate me” trope didn’t work with me.

        Then them pining for their whores, vomit.

  • I was told that she is a very nice person. She would never hurt anyone. Really? Yup, nice people always screw their cousin’s husband.

    • Oh good grief! I got this too. I got a “she cares about you”, she is the one who tried to stop it the first time….and they continued having their affair for months. She would smile to face out in public while I had no idea. Super sweet gal.

      • Yes, it’s a game some of these whores play, partly to convince the cheater how sensitive and caring they are. Yes, I know we’re fucking and endangering and hurting your wife, but I *care* about hurting her! Not enough to stop, of course, but I *care*!

        It’s also a self gaslighting technique, I’m not a bad person, I’m a good person, because I care that we’re hurting Chump.

        Vomit. ????????

        • Yep, my FW told me he was the one who made the first move. (like I gave a shit) He later told me their first time was in the back seat of his squad car. Honestly when he said some of this shit, I just mostly stared at him like WTH.

          Can you just picture it? Oh Romeo, no we can’t, as she places the back of her hand on her forhead, and then they both roll their fat bodies over the back seat and commense to humping. They should make a movie.

      • My dick-ex’s skank’s words to me were, “I was speaking from my caring about you, a fellow human being.” She said this when I decided to take the dick back after D-Day and he told her that we were going to reconcile. She REALLY CARED ABOUT ME! No!! REALLY!!

    • My own daughter said this about her father’s OP and I hate to say it but hearing that broke my heart. I apologized to my 19 yr old daughter after saying “she can’t be that nice if she was sleeping with a married man”. Her face dropped and then I realized what I did. Low point in my gray rock life right there. It’s all a shit sandwich! Xo sweet

      • I don’t agree that you did anything to beat yourself up about! No different than any of your previous lessons about right and wrong.

        At that age, she should know the real truth about choices men and women make and who gets hurt. You’re teaching her that people who have intimate relationships with someone who has made vows and promises to another person should and will be judged by their actions.

        That was a sane parent teaching her child not someone breaking grey rock!

        • Thank you Rebecca! I never thought about it that way, I was told ( my friends and family said to me) don’t take it out on her for what she is observing. You know I have held this guilt inside for almost a year because I couldn’t stay strong at that moment and say nothing. Thank you so very much for understanding me, you rock! I just love my CN family Xoxo sweet

          • Sweet, OMG you’re a human being. After what you went through, that seems like a very small error- I’m only calling it an error because you feel that it was a mistake; many others would disagree.
            I despise these cheaters who come across as ‘nice’ people.

            • Honestly, when I read your post, I thought I was missing something because I didn’t see what you did wrong.

              For heaven’s sake, that’s definitely not a low point! A low point would have been if you stabbed her. You merely questioned her niceness.

              I agree with PP: your daughter is 19 years old. Old enough to know about sex and betrayal and marriage. What would you be teaching her by *not* saying anything?

        • ⬆️YES!

          I wholeheartedly agree! My kids are 15 and 19. When Captain Fuckwit left 4 years ago, he lied to and gaslit them almost as much as he did me. Still does, in fact. I let him do it to me, but Mama bear came out when he did it to them.

          I took it as an opening to educate both children on issues of morality and character. The touchstone of these lessons has been the philosophy of the 7 deadly sins and 7 heavenly virtues (see also Pandora’s box). We’re not religious, but I find this religious concept to be a fundamental truth applicable to all of humanity.

          I don’t seek out moments to “bash” their father, but I refuse to participate in any way with their conduct by keeping quiet. In fact, the deadly sin of sloth does not mean laziness. It refers to doing or saying nothing in the face of immorality.

          Through all of this, I’ve come to see the “experts” who reprimand us for “speaking badly” (e.g., telling the truth) about the other parent as being a counterpart to the RIC. Everyone here complains about how our culture accepts adultery as a minor transgression of little consequence, which we are expected to quickly forgive, accept, and even embrace.

          I think we got to this place by following the advice of “experts” peddling the nonsensical imperative that we shelter our children from the immorality of their parent’s behaviors.

          When my daughter inevitability brought up the conundrum of being tainted – “if my dad is a bad person, then I must be a bad person” – I pointed out the non sequitur in her argument (B does not follow from A). It’s like believing that if your father is a vegetarian or a concert pianist, then you are a vegetarian or a concert pianist. These are choices, not predetermined fates coded in her DNA.

          If we want our kids to make good moral choices, we must be truthful and educate them without fear or prejudice.

          Sins: Pride, envy, greed, lust, sloth, gluttony, wrath.

          Virtues: Humility, kindness, temperance, chastity, diligence, charity, forgiveness.

          • beautifully written ChumpQueen!! I can’t lose ME after d-day, I must continue on showing and saying the truth with love and honesty! ❤️

          • Reminds me of the joke of whether someone was born an asshole or went to school for it.

            Neurogeneticist Patrick Levitt argues that genes don’t code for behavior. full stop. Fuckwittery is not heritable, it’s acquired. There are organic brain conditions that can make individuals more prone to certain general behaviors, but environment still pulls the trigger and conduct in functional adults is a choice.

            • “We have a no asshole rule in the workplace.Clean up your mess in the kitchen. Your mommy doesn’t work here.”

          • Thanks for saying this. I made so many mistakes doing what was “right” or “recommended” to be a good mom and an honorable human being, according to popular opinion, therapists, and judges. Turns out I am a good mom and an honorable human being, and I know a hell of a lot more than those people what is good for my kids. I am trying to survive a tragedy, rebuild my life and future, and outwit the love of my life who has turned into a malicious stranger. Telling my kids ‘there’s nothing to see here, no one’s to blame seems dangerous and gaslighting.

            • That is what drives me crazy about the whole say “nothing to the kids – just tell them we drifted apart”crowd – the kids have already been gaslighted, lied to and mentally abused by the cheater by definition. They were also living in the nightmare of the making. My kids were young adults when DDay happened, the youngest had just turned 17. They all wanted the truth and in spite of their shock, pain and devastation that our family had been blown up they also expressed relief that he left. My serial cheating ex sent me multiple texts and emails insisting that their are things are private between a husband and wife – like everything else that rule only applied to me.

              • ” insisting that their are things are private between a husband and wife – like everything else that rule only applied to me.”

                Right? I have told my whore everything about you, of course slanted to my own benefit, I have told friends lies about you (most likely) but you must keep your committment to the sanctity of the husband wife relationship.

        • Agreed – I did not get into all the details with his kids, but I did make a point to tell them clearly that what their father did to me put me at risk for STDs and he took advantage of my money and my time, and it is unfair to be the patsy where everyone else knows about the lie except the one person being lied to (the kids knew about her, even met her and spent time with her – they knew for 6 months to a year). I stopped at a point when it was obvious his daughter was getting really upset and she said “no one deserves to be lied to.” Kids deserve to know. I was always honest with them, why stop now? Why should I be a part of the lie? Why should I protect the cheater and his AP? Everyone deserves the truth. He is an awful human being.

      • I think you should stand by what you said and take back the apology. Your daughter is more than old enough to learn right from wrong.

        • Thank you Marissa. It happened in October and a lot has changed since then. I can’t take it back but for now on if she says this again, I feel I can voice my opinion with honesty and truth. She deserves to hear that! Xoxo sweet

    • Totally same…I got the “she’s kind and considerate and respects you!” Mind you I’m 58 and she’s 25! He got me twice and now I’m done!

  • Ex said I should be grateful he doesn’t do drugs anymore.
    His ow stalked me, he said it wasn’t his problem.
    He said she will attack you, why are you with her then.
    Her dad was in prison, all a lie.
    He said don’t expect me to help you, which was true.
    She told him what she did to me, because I never mentioned it, he knew what she did, and didn’t give a fuck.
    Pretended to commit suicide, a lie, asked me to feel sorry for him.
    Asked me to visit him in the psychiatric hospital for the above, I wouldn’t.
    Apparently my fault he took drugs, because I had a stillborn baby.
    He does have amazing acting skills, people think he’s nice.
    He’s not robbing them.
    You thought that was traumatic.
    He said because I’m not married to you, he doesn’t have to answer to me, he can do what he wants. I have a feeling the ow helped in that part.
    He said he liked her because she gave up her kids, he said he got someone pregnant, I don’t know the truth or not. I unfortunately know a few ow, and they gave up their kids.guess what they get pregnant again. One didn’t know who the dad was, and laughed about it. She was banned from having her first child. She was a evil bitch.

    • Susan lovely, I’m always glad to read something from you because you become more and more mighty every time! But I hate how you seem to be surrounded by these creatures ???? hope yr well and happy hun ❤

    • Ugh. Absolutely horrible, HORRIBLE assholes. Susan Devlin, many hugs to you and a lot of friendly love. Good God, where do these people come from? And why are the good people of CN visited by them? No shame on their parts either, the fuckwits. No they’re not like us, that’s for sure. We may not be perfect (who the fuck is even close?!), but good Lord, we never treated them this shitty. Or anyone else, come to think of it.

    • I don’t think I get that much “sad sausage” from the FW XW. It tends to be more of the rage and charm. For a rage example (I’ve taken liberties in describing things, but the essentials are true):

      How dare you confiscate my wedding and engagement rings that I left behind when I moved a half-mile down the road from you 13 days after D-day to live in a brand new high-end apartment w/my rich, older, soon to be former boss?! Rings I hadn’t worn for many years anyway, claiming they didn’t fit me after having our three kids, but never got resized so they would, even though for years we had plenty of money to do so.

      For charm? How about this, almost a year after she left me and destroyed our family:

      I know I fucked you over in so many ways by exit-affairing you w/my older, richer POS boss after 3 kids and 24+ years of marriage (where you loved me imperfectly and I held every thing you ever did wrong in my eyes against you but didn’t tell you, except in passive-aggressive cryptic hints I felt anyone of intelligence would have deciphered), but as you know I’m our local politician and am running to hold two local political seats in our village/town this year, so won’t you put up a sign on what was our former front lawn (now yours only) to help my visibility in that end of the village? Remember, I said something nice about you at the beginning of this text, so that should remove all the craziness and stupidity out of my insane request.

      Sad sausage stuff was a little harder to remember. She really is very good at maintaining her image, even to me, compared to what others at CN have recounted of their fuckwits. But then, she’s an ambitious politician, whose AP and former boss (being a former bigwig in our state’s politics) is going to help mentor and push her in her political career (her words on D-day). So, yeah, you can see why she might be slightly better at presenting her bullshit to the unwary.

      Well, she did get sad sausage after I turned down her lawn sign request from above, w/me saying it would have been better if she never asked. Her reply was something along the lines of “I knew that was likely to be your answer. You couldn’t even extend me the courtesy of a nicer reply.” That’s not even it. It’s been too long, and I’d have to try to scroll back two and a half years roughly in text to get it right. I just remember the upshot was clearly to let me know how selfish I was behaving, not wanting to help her out in her time of need. She did win both political seats, one of them though by only 8 votes. She’s since given up her old seat for her new seat, where she’s been elected chairperson of that selectboard (gag me). Still a very sparkly turd!

      She also did sad sausage when our two youngest kids refused to let her join us (right after D-day) at a local restaurant, because they were worried we’d get in a fight. I’m convinced I wouldn’t have, and I told the kids that, as I was still oscillating between intense anger/hurt at her, but also doing the pick-me dance. God, I was a mess. She got upset/cried on the phone when I told her their decision, and I told her that I was fine if she wanted to join us. It was the kids who didn’t want her there. That just made her cry more and get more upset because they were rejecting her. What a fuckwit.

      And, I suppose you could count one of our two really frank discussions post D-day but before she officially moved out of the house and down the street w/her AP/boss thirteen days later (the second one, this was). I must have said something somewhat good to her to make her feel or fake feeling bad (can’t remember what I said or did, just that my emotions were raw at her infidelity and desire to proceed in exit-affairing me at that point). She told me that she thinks there might be something wrong w/her. Since I was still oscillating (see above), I didn’t agree w/her like I wanted to (wrong? That’s putting it mildly!). Instead, I told her I didn’t know if something was wrong w/her, but she was definitely different. That was the best I could do for the poor, sad sausage who had fucked me and our family over in such a spectacular and cliched way.

      I hope this is helpful to other chumps, by showing how similar these asshole former partners can act.

      Ok, now I hope we can all get some peace and love for ourselves and our families this weekend, CN. Stay safe and be well.

      • I think politicians are 99.99% narcissistic sociopaths anyway, and your ex certainly doesn’t fall into the *possible* 1% that may not be.

        This bitch had the colossal *gall* to expect you to put her campaign poster on your lawn? After what she did? And then has even more colossal to lecture you on the ethics of your refusal?

        These people just boggle the mind.

        I’d have said yes, though, then added to the poster, the cheating lying whore who… then added a list of all the egregious things she did. Plus the most unflattering pic of her I could find. ????????????

        • My brother said “tell her yes! But only if it says Crazy Person Running For Office!” That was the most polite thing I would have put, had I acquiesced. Nope. No fucking way was I putting up a sign to help her out. chumpnomore6, you’re absolutely on target. I thought the same thing when she did this. These people boggle the mind. She certainly boggled mine. I could not believe her gall. Un-fucking-believable.

          Thanks for the kind words, and best wishes to you and your family.????

      • What? She wanted you to put up a lawn sign for her campaign? On your lawn?

        No. Nope. Nopety nope. Oh, hell to the no.

        • I couldn’t agree more, Lovedajackass. Thanks for being outraged on my behalf. I hope all is well for you and your family. Best wishes, and stay safe!????

        • That would have been a great idea. Except I didn’t want to alienate the kids by attacking their mom in such an outright manner. But I really like your thinking!

          Thanks for caring enough to think of that, Skunkcabbage. Wishing you all the best, and your family, too. Stay safe, and be well.

          • I would say that I would “love to” put up her campaign sign, except that I am running for that position also!!!
            Just to see her face, just to watch her connect the dots, wondering if your campaign will include that she is a cheater… (btw, the kids are all voting for me!) —-Lol- getting really silly now, since kids, obvs, can’t vote (and you wouldn’t mix the kids up in that craziness anyway).
            Also, you are NOT above taking the campaign low ????????????
            I would be especially gratified if she started pointing out all the reasons I can’t run for her office. If she started panicking, running around telling people not to vote for me, trying to get ahead of the cheating narrative I was never planning on using in the first place. I would just laugh.
            Huh, and then of course I wouldn’t run (after all, you are too good for that crowd).
            I don’t know, it would just amuse me.
            I would say, “but you inspired me!” Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery?
            ALSO- could she put your campaign poster on her lawn??? It would really help a guy out…

      • Ah yes. I cheated on you and discarded you, but why won’t you help my career?

        XW and I have ongoing confrontations over custody time. She asks to trade days so she can travel for work. I say I’ll take the kids (which permits her to travel) but I won’t give up my time. She periodically erupts at me over this. A couple of times – several years at least into our divorce – she has accused me of “not supporting her career”.

        I did all the child care, cooking and house-minding while we were married, so she could pursue her career. She had an affair with a colleague (including physical meetings while traveling for work), broke up his marriage, and torpedoes our marriage so she could marry him. Why on earth would I be supporting her career now? She gets to keep 100% of her earnings (her principal focus while we were married) but I have to split the kids 50/50 (my principal focus while we were married). I don’t owe her anything.

        • And she doesn’t pay child support? Wow!
          My X made a custody schedule arranged completely around his work schedule. Then he changed that schedule according to his “needs” as they came along. It took only one time of him showing up 2 hours late for me to shut that shit down.

          Fortunately, we were still in negotiations. I wrote a proposal in which I agreed to a pittance of support if he agreed to let me move out of state with her. He consented because he’s short sighted and money hungry. Now we don’t have to worry about his precious schedule or supposed “needs,” and my daughter doesn’t have to be hurt over and over again by his overarching selfishness!

          • Shit. I forgot about her not paying child support to Involuntary Georgian. That sucks. My FW XW left me at my lowest earning point ever, so, after trying to fight me over $126/month and change for that at our divorce stipulation negotiations, she is now paying me over $200 a month because she got promoted by the department she works for in our state’s government. She asked me to give her proof I was still making the same salary at that point. I refused. I wasn’t asking her for more.

            So she’s been paying this higher amount these past couple of years, w/no info from me on my salary (except when I informed her I’d been furloughed, and we might have to re-examine things. All I got was crickets. Oh, well. Fuck her).

            It does make me laugh though. For the majority of our marriage, I was the one bringing home the big paycheck, which allowed her to do pretty much anything she wanted. I feel like to a certain extent, it’s payback time, after the shitty way she fucked me and the family over.

            Hope you’re doing well, ChumpQueen! Best wishes to you and your family.????

        • No, Involuntary Georgian, you sure as hell do not. She and my FW XW can go to hell when it comes to that type of thinking.

          I hope your kids appreciate their dad. May you be well on your way to meh, Tuesday and happiness in general. You and your family.

  • I guess over having had to put the kibosh on his sexploits – ie, kibble factory – he moped and moped around til I finally asked what was wrong…
    ” I just feel like, when we were out last night, like “here you are, the best looking woman there…what’s she doing with me? Am I her old shoe? Just a comfortable old shoe?”

    Geezus! Sorry dude, you don’t get to sneak around ogling girls half my age for ego infusions, then expect the same from me.
    Yeah, even comfortable old shoes get thrown out eventually. But you got thrown out because you ceased to be comfortable. And you stank

  • Chump Lady,

    You have the most uncanny ability to post exactly what I’m grappling with at the exact time! Here is the long list of pity:

    -She feels really bad that she broke up our marriage
    -She’s just really vulnerable
    -She wants me, not her boyfriend, so I paid to move her boyfriend out of her apartment (with our marital money)
    -When I kicked him out and he had to move into an apartment and buy some shit to furnish it he said, “this is so hard”
    -Then, “The washing machine at my apartment doesn’t work very well so I can’t wash (our child’s) clothes”
    -From his lawyer in a letter – FormerlyKnownAs drives a better car than my client and FormerlyKnownAs lives in a well-appointed home while asshat has to rent (by the way, he completely abandoned our mortgage, I pay ALL of the outgoing expenses. Yes, it’s legal to do that in this country so I have no legal recourse)
    -From his lawyer-Asshat lost his job so he’s economically disadvantaged while FormerlyKnownAs has a good job (yes, because I HAVE to have a job to pay the mortgage, the bills, and all the child expenses, and I’m not an asshole so I’m still employable)
    -When missing events at school = I have bad allergies
    -When he got fired from our business by the other partners = it was a “witch hunt”
    -According to him, the reason our marriage broke up was because I was controlling, a bad communicator and I wasn’t sexual enough to meet his S&M “needs” (his fantasies were always “needs”)
    -He’s sad because “I’ve blocked him from the home”. He’s never asked to come in.

    There are probably more. Before DDay, I now reflect back and I remember watching him in business meetings. He always opened with something like, “Hey, I’m sorry I’m not at my best today, I didn’t sleep well last night.” It was weird, but now I realize that he used pity so that people would be like, “oh, poor guy, cut him some slack he didn’t sleep.” An attempt to cover up for what he couldn’t do. I put up with this for years and years and years.

    • OH! FormerlyKnownAs! Thank you for sharing! Every single word of your story is also mine. Nothing new under the Chump’s Sun, huh? In particular, I’ve not shared this bit of my own story with anyone before: That part of my DDay was learning that my husband had paid for his AP to move out of her shared apartment with her boyfriend and paid her rent and expenses for the 4 months since. He’d done this, November thru February’s DDay, having said that we didn’t have budget for Christmas expenses because of health expenses for our youngest son. And of course, Chumpy Heart that I am, I believed it and felt terribly guilty for it. Geez. Anyway, I am so sorry this was part of your experience and discovery. All Tuesdays to you.

      • I can’t believe how selfish that is to spend that money when your family needed it. The depths they go to still amazes me. Yes, bring on that Tuesday!

  • After I was gutted like a fish with news he had manny affairs.
    Heb told me he was hurting too.
    “We can cuddle and get drunk and I still can leave in the morning.”

    • Oh yeah. I’m sure it was very horrible for him. Poor baby! I forgot from my long list above. He wrote in an email, “I’m having so much trouble at the thought of losing you.” Yeah, right. After cheating on me for 13 years I’m sure it was hard to finally lose me.

      • Yes, I’m sure he was.???? You know, we just don’t understand how hard (and stressful!) it was for them to fuck us over AND keep it a secret for so long (mine was supposedly only 3-4 months of actual affair). I don’t know where it came from, but I had a little bit of insight on D-day to the FW XW’s thinking. I told her I’d bet she was feeling relieved, not having to deceive me anymore. She told me I had no idea how good it felt, or something like that. My God, what a horrible person she is. So is your ex. May they both experience hell going forward. They certainly didn’t mind putting us thru it.????

        Best wishes to you, FormerlyKnownAs. Let’s keep movin’ on up, w/out our respective fuckwits. May meh and Tuesday come ASAP for you. Stay safe and well, both you and your family.

        • Thanks thelongrun. On DDay I also got glimpses of his “relief”. That’s how I learned how extensive the cheating was. It was like he enjoyed playing back to me all that he’d done and he got it off his chest. His mood lifted and he set about making plans to leave. But, that’s when he turned mean and nasty and he’s been abusive ever since. Your ex sounds as selfish as the rest of these cheaters too. Take care out there.

    • Wow. I’m sure you were THRILLED w/that idea! I mean, it’s a great idea, right? Ugh. I’m so sorry you had to deal w/that. Lots of hugs to you, Champignon. Better days w/out that fuckwit.

        • Champignon– was that a typo or a Freudian slip? “(De) Sade” sausage, as in the Marquis de Sade, history’s namesake sadist? What a monster.

            • Champignon– Very telling that he liked that unwatchable and blatantly whitewashed piece of garbage.

              When I read some of the #MeToo coverage of actor Geoffrey Rush’s sexual abuse of women, I remembered that I had a bad feeling about his choice to star in that film. I’ve also felt sour towards Kate Winslet’s choice of working with notorious directors like Woody Allen and Roman Polanski as well as that movie.

              The film was supposed to be about freedom of expression but I can’t help but wonder if there was another historical figure– ANY historical figure– that could have been used to make the case. Perhaps Rush will soon star as Adolph Hitler in the story of Hitler’s heartwarming and underappreciated love of dogs.

  • “HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?????” when I finally filed a DV complaint against him, had him arrested and he was handed his ass in court!

    • EXWW after DV arrest and conviction, “my work can’t give me a promotion with this, don’t you feel a little bit sorry about it?”. Comment was after leaving me and our 3 kids to move in with AP. “Not one bit”

  • My FUU likes playing the sad sausage. Which is funny because in turn, I like turning up the heat.


    Ah, the scent of ego going up in smoke.

  • I may have done this one before. Not to me, but to our eldest daughter (then 19) and our son (then 17), when Ex-Wife worked out that the children were not quite as enamoured as she was with her AP.

    “It would be completely different if your father had a girlfriend; I bet you’d all love her. It is not fair. You not wanting to have anything to do with ***** is putting pressure on my relationship with him and may cause us to break up. If we do it will be your fault.”

    I think the fact that she tried to sad sausage our own children to make them engage with the AP against their wishes makes it even worse.


    • Oh yeah, gaslighting children! Mine said, “because you refuse to meet my girlfriend, I really miss her when you’re staying with me.” My daughter has never gotten over this comment. Pricks.

        • Thankfully my daughter shut that sh*t right down with “Mum, this is not a me/brother/sister problem, this is a you problem.”

          She rocks and I am very proud of her ability to stand up to her Mum when she all too frequently needs to.

      • Oh yes that too. The exasshat put our grown daughter in the car, lying about where they were going and brought her to the Whore’s house. Nice move asshole!

        • My Ex-Wife asked eldest daughter to come and visit (the kids live with me and not her), as she was missing her. Lo and behold her AP (who lives 50 miles away) happened to be at Mum’s house by “just by chance.”

          Things did not go as smoothly as Ex-Wife thought they would.

          They really are morons aren’t they?

          • Yes they are selfish morons. I’ve had to warn my daughter that she will probably be blindsided one day with the girlfriend so be prepared. The reason I’ve prepared her is also that I am in my 50s, have naturally curly hair, I’m fair and small and I look like a woodland fairy. The girlfriend is about 30, is pierced and tattooed, looks anorexic, wears black, has strange teeth and has a very short flat top dyed red. I’m worried my daughter will lose her mind when she sees the contrast of this weird thing he’s with who is all hard edged while her mom is so soft and bohemian! She might just burst out laughing like everyone else does who sees them together!!

      • Oh my shit these stories! I have mile long links of sad sausage Fredo pulled with me as that is his main channel, but not the kids. Oh! With one maaaybe exception. He asked eldest as they were driving home alone together “you’ll always love me no matter what (child), won’t you?” This was after the whoring started but before discovery though so I don’t know if that counts. Kid looks back on that now with massive annoyance.

    • My ex wasn’t quite so direct. He just told son who is having trouble learning how to be ex’s definition of “civil” to Schmoopie “I just want the pain to end”. The implication is that son is causing him pain. Never mind the pain ex caused by blowing up his family.

  • My cheater does have a bad back and spent 3 hours every Saturday for 2 years getting (apparently) the only therapeutic massage that ever helped him. When I finally clued in to their affair, he said:

    But she’s the only one who can help my back. If you don’t believe me, you can come and watch.

  • “She’s very intimidated by you and feels insecure . . . that’s hard for me.” This, said by my now-XH, on DDay; he, age 53, about the AP, age 23.

    • Yeah, fuckwit said to me, “rat faced whore is scared of you”. Didn’t add ‘that’s hard for me’ though, probably because he knew I wouldn’t give a fuck. ????

      • What is wrong with young women today. going after men three times their age. I mean I know it was common in the wealthy circles, for older men to essentually buy the affections of a young girl. But, now it seems they will wallow for next to noghing.

        Not assuming C6, maybe your ex is a rich charmer.

        But, I wonder if it is because so many young men today don’t marry or pay the bills.

        In my fuckwits case, I have no doubt she was after the paycheck, at least in the beginning because he was not her first married man rodeo. He was one of several. The rest of them just weren’t stupid enough to fuck their direct report. She wasn’t a lot younger 35 to his 40, but still she either couldn’t or wouldn’t go for a single guy. Or maybe a single guy woudn’t go for her. At least not one that could pay the bills.Who knows.

        Fuckwit isn’t rich, but he did skim a lot of marriage funds to help her pay bills. While I had to watch the money, you know because money was tight.

        • THIS↑↑! Strippers and whores are an expensive hobby, ya know. I think I’ve told my post D-Day candy aisle showdown story before. The nerve of that dude to complain about an ‘expensive’ $2 bag of gummy worms, when he’d been paying $200 to put HIS gummy worm in ‘Candy’.????????

        • Single guys aren’t going to hit crazy unless it’s really really attractive.
          On the other hand, OW are always damaged goods. Any single woman with other options will take them.

        • Here is some new math to ponder……
          If fuckwit is 62 and his girlfriend is 26, How much money does fuckwit have?

        • It sure seems that all the guys my age (over 50) aren’t interested in woman their age. (The only dates I’ve been asked out on in the past 5 years have been by guy’s in their 60 and 70’s looking for a nurse and a purse.)

          The guys my age are interested in the 20-30 years younger woman. Yes these girls have better bodies and are so eager to please. And I think its the latter, more so than the former, that makes them so irrestiable for these types of men. A mature woman can see right through their bullshit and expects them to step up and do the relationship work. A young woman is much more likely to just let the older man lead because he’s “older and wiser”.

          • Oh I get the guys attraction, I just don’t get the young womans attraction. I was not in the least attracted to old men when I was young and pretty.

            My H is 9.5 years older than me, but I was 40 and he was 50 when we met. He definately was not interested in a 20 something woman. We were together for 4.5 years before we got married. Neither of us were even thinking of marriage for a long while. Both had been hurt.

            They are out there, and honestly they are the better men. At least from my experience.

        • There’s a Vanity Fair article on how the student loan crisis has created a generation of let’s-not-call-it-prostitution prostitutes, also known as the “girl/boyfriend” experience.

          In other reports, there are 3 million college students, 5% of NYU grad and undergrad students, mostly young women and young gay or bi men, involved in “sugaring” to pay rent or tuition or to afford the semblance of a lifestyle that they grew up thinking they were entitled to. But apparently it’s a bit of a desperate slog and participants are mostly barely getting by while still facing the same risks of prostitution– violence, murder, STDs, etc. Some have to forego the pretense and become full-fledged escorts to make ends meet.

          The strange new blurring of what constitutes prostitution is likely a result of the fact that the coming of age generation of middle class and upper middle class are failing but still resistant to calling themselves escorts and hookers because their families retain community standing. And there’s more blurring from there. 22% of single women admit to going on a date just to get a free meal these days. In expensive cities, entry level salary for many professions barely pays the bills.

          • Whenever I hear of a 50 plus year old man and a twenty something woman, I automatically wonder what she is getting in compensation. I am guessing, lots of good stuff. I am also guess she has a young stud on the side, and the old goat is clueless, or maybe he knows and doesn’t care.

          • Watch the French film “Elles” with Juliette Binoche which addresses this reality. Or don’t-it should really be rated X for the violence against women.
            I met one of these sugar babies in CoDA. She dropped out of college and started working as a webcam girl. “So that’s where the retirement fund went ! Cheater doesn’t even have to leave the house,just put coins in the proverbial slot while he jerks off !”
            She broke anonymity during fellowship after a meeting. She explained how just an image of one’s credit card can be used to fabricate another one. A lowlife criminal. And she plans on becoming a therapist.
            Ask a lot of questions when interviewing your therapist. Run a background check.

          • Crisis and Covid are not to blame. I did my PhD 20 years ago at one of the world’s top universities. Plenty of both female and male escorts around then. Some pearls: Yes, I started as a non- sex escort (to business dinners) but I go paid so well that I thought it wouldn’t be fair if I didn’t offer something more (female).

            I started because I didn’t have money but now I also have a lot of expenses, for facials and suits etc. (male).

            No further comment necessary.

      • I heard that she was terrified I was going to come to their workplace and sit in the parking lot to attack her when she came out. I mean, obviously not scared enough to stop fucking my husband…but…

        Wouldn’t he have loved that? A cat fight over him? I responded drily that as someone with a college degree and who ran a multimillion dollar business, I wasn’t accustomed to fighting hoes in parking lots.

        • “Wouldn’t he have loved that?”

          I know, they all would love that. It was the only thing that kept me from doing something stupid. I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of fighting over him like that. Oh don’t get me wrong I did the “pick me dance” when it first happened, but I didn’t do anything that I wasn’t entitled to do as a wife.

          I didn’t do that for long though. when he moved out a couple weeks later, I went stone NC. The only time I broke that was about a week later, when I called him and said you wanted the divorce I want you to file and do it now. So after trying to convince me to file, I said no you can do this for me. It would make me feel better if you filed since you wanted the D. So he did. I knew he wanted me to file so he could say, I tried to work it out, but she dumped me. He was still trying to keep the whore under wraps. He was kidding himself, everyone on the PD knew. (I didn’t know until Dday)

  • I let myself (and my kids, which I bitterly regret) in for months of pain when he lost his rented room, then his rented cottage, and both times I let him back in the spare room so he didn’t have to live in his car. It was hopium, but I regret it. When he asked for amother chance this year (having previously mentioned he was running out of money) I said no way, but I wish I could’ve been stronger earlier. And he’d spent years talking about wanting to live in a van (very cool here in Cornwall), when it came to it he just couldn’t do it ????

    • I refused his dream plan of living on a boat when we married. 26 years later he won’t solve the split up housing crisis by living on a canal boat whilst I stay in the house until our youngest son leaves home. He’d be jealous of my higher standard of living.

      • Oh my Louise J, about four years before Dday, when he was still lying to me; he said when he retires he wants to sell the house buy a bigger boat and live on it. I said “I am not living on a boat” I was at age 40 just getting starting working full time and I wanted to see what I could accomplish. I asked him how I was supposed to get back aned forth to work if we lived on a boat. (He could retire at age 52) I don’t remember his answer, but I am sure he didn’t care. He may have already been ephing schmopie by then, and planning on me supporting them while he and schmoopie took romantic cruises.

        Anyway fast forward, he and schmoopie live in a fixer upper trailer in FL, and spend a lot of time in their old RV. So I guess he is living the dream.

        Good for him, and I really do hope he enjoys it, as for me; I will take my paid off little brick house, with my sweet H, and we have gone on several cruises and trips. We don’t have an RV though. We stay in a motel and I don’t cook. In fact when the H asked me years ago, if I wanted an RV or campter, I said as long as it doesn’t have a kitchen, whatever you want. He just laughed.

    • Good for you! Why the hell should you take him back? Unbelievable that they think we are somehow so much better off!

  • Two instances stand out (probably because they’re the only two SS attempts — rage is definitely her default)

    1. Hours after the confrontation in the driveway with the Carrot Singer, she stood in our bedroom and said, “Well . . . I guess I’ve become the one thing I said I would never be. A cheater. I’m a cheater.” She paused, then she made the “please come comfort me” face she’d perfected over 15 years. I just stood there, fighting every urge to respond with “Yes. You’re a cheater. What are you going to do about it.” When I didn’t come back with a hug and an, “Oh, don’t worry, we’ll get it worked out,” she crept off to another part of the house to brood.

    2. The day after I finally said “enough!,” she told our daughters, without me present, that we were getting divorced. That instigated the first sparks of gray rock in me, as I started to deadpan every look and answer questions with one-syllable responses. After Day 2 of this, she burst out with: “You know, I’m not just happily skipping down the lane, you know!!” (a pathetic derivative of “I’m hurting too!” and “You’re not the only one suffering here!”) At Day 4 she repeated it, word for word — again, no response. It was at that point I think that she realized Sad Sausage wasn’t going to work, so she went to Rage Channel and tore the knob off the set. (At Day 9, the “happy lane skipping” commenced, as she spent her entire first date with the Chlorine Special in a hotel room.)

    • Yes! The XAss used to do the I’ll lable myself something and she’ll rush over and tell me I’m not and comfort me bit. Yeah, he knew that jig was played out when instead I just stood there and gave him the raised eye-brow look – “Yeah, and tell me something else I don’t know.” He then would bail and do the silent treatment.

  • “She doesn’t want an affair; she wants a real relationship.”

    There are so many layers of WTF with that statement, the first of which is — on what planet did my Ex live that he thought I gave a rat’s a$$ what his AP wanted.

    • SoDone, I laughed out loud, snortled into my coffee, at this line. Indeed, WTFFFFF. I am so sorry. Excuse me while I go change my shirt.

    • Every hetero prostitute dreams of meeting the prince with an investment portfolio who’ll sweep her away from “all that” and marry her. The heroin addict who just bashed the old lady and stole her purse and wedding ring dreams of cleaning up and going straight. If only aspirations cleansed present conduct, private prisons would go out of business.

    • Oh yep. I got that one too! Mine went so far as to say that the OW was so lonely and now she’s found someone. Um, yeah, she found MY husband.

  • “Why do you think I’m going to the doctor—I cant get it up!!.” Wow. I just said funny you never had that problem with me. And closed the door in his nasty face.

  • “You have no idea how hard work is for me. The responsibility of taking care of our family is too much for me”

    This was 10 years ago last night when I asked him why he was so distant.

    10 years ago this morning (6:30 am to be exact) I found out about the affair.

    10 years ago next week I wanted to end my life. Today I’m strong, have my own life, am the sane parent, have a great relationship with my kids and their significant other and families. My walls sing! All those in the early days of discovery and picking thru the ashes of what they thought their lives would be, please take heart. Your future selves and your future life awaits!

  • After I took my things and moved out: “I have to pay for rent on this apartment all by myself?!”

    In response to my question about why he’s complaining to me about his loneliness instead of OW1: “She only cares about herself.”

    • For Rebecca and Lulu:

      Aw, poor baby! Does-ums want a cookie?! Yes-ums does, yes-ums does! Well, here’s a cookie made only for shitheads like you. It’s the “Fuck off and die soon” cookie. It’s made out of all the pain and abuse your type visits on us chumps. Happy choking on it!

      • I just want to be sure that Rebecca and Lulu know I meant my response to be directed towards their exes, NOT them. Looking at my reply now, I’m not sure I made that clear. Sorry for any possible misunderstanding.????

      • Where can I buy one of these “fuck off and die” cookies? And yeah, it’s so surprising to discover that the affair partners are selfish. Really???

            • A queue out the front door of sad sausages (links like at the butcher). The cafe also bags of ego kibble.
              Thanks Tracy and CN for the new vocabulary and expressions ! They get laughs when I use them,followed by explanations.
              It does get better. With time,distance and reflection, I can often laugh at the absurdity of it all and how pathetic cheaters are.

  • D-day number 3. I had just found a list in his truck of my positives and negatives, and OW’s positives and negatives, like he was weighing-out which of us was better. Plus, he wrote that he was thrilled that “Two women were in love with him.” Gag. That was the last straw. I went home, told him I found the list and there were no longer two women in love with him. I said I was leaving for two hours, that he was to pack up everything he could in that time period and be out by the time I got back. He did so. Several hours after that he called me from a pay phone (I had hidden his cell phone) and asked me where was he supposed to go? OW was still married and her husband did not yet know. I simply told him that I did not care. Went mostly no contact from that time on other than when we were with lawyers.

    • Good. For. You. Outstanding, Wiser Now!

      I wish I had been that direct in dealing w/my FW XW. No, I played the pick-me dance to varying degrees for months. Alternating w/the I am so angry w/you, I want to hurt you as bad as you hurt me. But not really doing anywhere close to what she had done to myself and the family. It took seeing what a POS email she wrote to my brother and his wife, and my brother’s withering burnt earth email back to her to realize there was nothing to be gained in playing the pick-me dance.

      This was not the woman/person I thought I knew. It became more and more clear over time (years) that I had missed blatant red flags about her true character (can you say SPACKLE? Yes we can!). I was painfully naive from the beginning about her. I’m working on making sure I’m never that naive again, w/either female lovers, or friends and family.

      Wiser Now, best of luck to you going forward. You’re so much better off w/out the clueless fuck that is your ex.

      Him: What? You mean it’s abusive to play w/the feelings and minds of your partner? I don’t see that!????

      Us: Yes, it is. Maybe even for your schmoopie, but that’s her own fault. Not so for the sucker-punched chumps. Yeah, it’s so hard to see and think w/that big metaphorical dick in your way. What a tool.

      I hope you and your family are and stay happy and healthy, w/out your ex around, Wiser Now.

      • Thank you, all, for the kudos. I did my share of the pick me dance, also. That was just the last straw. And it was 20+ years ago. Am happily remarried for 17 years and have a great family. For all the newbies, once you find your power, forgive yourself for being clueless, and realize it’s okay to be loving person who wants to be loved back, you can move on from this b.s. with no regrets. It’s a process and painful, but it DOES get better. I promise.

  • AP’s 3.5 hour crying jag when dumped following D-Day was “heartrending.”

    The one who called me the devil. when I had no idea she existed The one who campaigned relentlessly to break up a marriage and scoffed that I could get a job if dumped without alimony, never mind that she knew one of my three children has life threatening medical conditions requiring 24/7 care on a level that would have cost more than the family income to outsource. The one who never mentioned much less thought of what children suffer due to adultery when one kid found an incriminating email and told the others, causing three days of crying. The one who gave me an STD and ran through tens of thousands of dollars of marital assets, mostly for booze. The one who reportedly told her friends she wanted me dead and frequently got behind the wheel drunk with a father of three in the passenger seat.

    “Heartrending”? I thought I heard God laughing but it was just my lawyer.

  • It is six years ago this month that the trash (*aka Mr. Sparkles) took it self out of our marriage.

    One of the many sad sausage tales as to why our marriage failed was this gem:

    “When your Mom was saying that she didn’t trust me and that she didn’t know what kind of man I was because I had divorced my first wife and left my kids… you didn’t defend me.”

    Ummm… what was to defend, it was true? She was telling you that you were going to have to earn her trust. If I had been a better listener, I would have heard the red flags she was waving (she was generally a very good judge of character.)

    Another gem when I caught him on Adult Friend Finder jerking off simultaneously with a woman online: “It isn’t cheating… and anyways, we never have sex anymore since the baby was born (ummm… maybe because your always in your basement office whacking off with Karen????).

    No Contact is the only way to shut off all the channels CN… I co-parent via text and email. I never engage in any commentary that isn’t directly related to my son. And now that my son is almost 15 (he was 9 when Mr. Sparkles left for an OW)… I’m teaching him how to have his own communication with his Dad as much as reasonably possible.

    TGIF Chump Nation… rock on!

  • So I had been a military wife and been dragged from pillar to post for years…14 jobs and kids having to move all the time with few of the perks of military life because Cheater didnt “like” those things. I moved where I was told to move to knowing I had no say in any of it.

    Then he retired (ostensibly we would finally have control over our lives) and I was prepared for one last move to where ever he got a good job but instead got caught cheating with Susan of Seattle.

    I pick-me-danced way too much and did not set enough boundaries but I set a few and one of them was that I would NOT move again.

    When the wreckonsillyation started “in earnest” and he moved home, we bought a nice big house (we could not afford) and I made the best of it. Mind you, this house/yard we could not afford is lovely

    As per his normal malcontentedness, he sad sausage self complained daily that we lived there and I would not move. He chose the town, he chose both houses we had owned there and he complained incessantly. I was finally grey rock on his house complaints so he ramped them up.

    One day he contorted his face as if he were being tortured and said “this place is a hell hole of horror”
    I told him “the hell hole of horror is between your ears.

    I still live in this lovely house. 13 years on and it is still worth less than we bought it for (months before the crash of 2008) but I paid it off with his life insurance and my new husband lives here and pays all the expenses of this big house wiht the proceeds of renting his house out. Its all lovely.

    • “The hell hole of horror is between your ears” is gold! And so accurate.
      Glad you’re enjoying the house and the new husband!

  • These folks don’t ever make the transition into acting like an adult instead of a child throwing a temper tantrum. It is not such a jump to compare the tantrum a 3 year old throws when informed “there is no cake until you eat your dinner,” to the tantrum the errant spouse throws when informed “no, you cannot have a girlfriend and remain my spouse, with all the benefits of being my spouse.”

    I never thought I could phone in late to picking up the children, feeding them, getting homework done, bath accomplished, getting them to bed, and starting the laundry and washing up. I understood the electric bill needed to be paid, and groceries purchased, and that left no extra funds for a weekend at the Ritz with girlfriend du jour, I never considered calling that sort of thing “work”.

    So much entitlement, so much selfish behavior. Whine because I am always so busy. Ever think about jumping in to lend a hand? These are your children, you occupy this house, you wore those clothes that need to be laundered.. You just want to have fun? As the late Joan Rivers used to say, “Grow Up.”

  • Sad sausage was my ex’s stock-in-trade. It was his standard trot-out excuse for every lapse and for every failure to do what he said he’d do. Even though I had the same job as he did, with the same duties and expectations for performance, he would regularly trot out the “It’s been a shit semester” excuse. I’m ashamed to say it worked on me, as I’d been trained to be “the comforter” and tender of emotional health by my FOO. But even I had my limit, and when one day my ex, wanting me to feel sorry for him, started in on a story of how when he was “just a little boy of five” he went to his mother for comfort, saying “Mommy” and his mother said, “You’re a big boy now, call me Mom,” and how hurtful that was to him, I realized that I’d reached that limit. In his mind, he was perpetually hard done by, and was entitled therefore to do whatever he wanted, and I was supposed to buy the line that I had to be the “good Mommy” who would always respond to his needs and comfort him no matter what he did.

    • I’m hearing this too now! And everyone we know is hearing this story as well. Her counselors and friends and group support this theory. Strangely. Everyone thinks I’m a terrible person because I won’t keep buying into not being better than her parents were to her. And they’re all after me now to get her back into my house because she’s so sad and broke and sorry for all the cheating. Why can’t I be more understanding and better than her mommy and daddy and stop abusing her??!

  • Sad sausage:
    *I‘m sad every day.
    *I made a big mistake. (Coupled with: I think I’ll be happier with her. Untested love. I know the games she plays)
    *I didn’t expect the venom to flow like this.
    *I’m ostracized by friends and family. Granddaughter is being used as a weapon. And you get satisfaction from it.
    *You’re sitting pretty.

    What??? I’m sitting pretty and get satisfaction from a broken family. News to me!! Such mindfuckery. I’m sure he elicits pity from many people. He can get a lot of mileage out of what he sees as unfair “punishment” for merely “letting love blossom.”

    By the way, when he told me he’s sad every day, he never asked how I was feeling. But why should that surprise me? I have to change the channel. New me. New life. I’ve put up with BS long enough. I also need to address my codependency issues. I hate to admit it but the shoe does fit. Dammit.

    • ” I made a big mistake.”

      That’s a favourite, isn’t it?

      Before I knew it was a physical affair, and was just angry because of all the gifts and attention he was giving the whore, (I know, I was really stupid) he sent me a text, ” chumpnomore6, I’ve made some stupid mistakes all for supposed friendship! Can we talk?”


  • Him: “You don’t like me for who I am. You’re my wife, and I’ve married someone who doesn’t like me for who I am.”

    Me: “You didn’t tell me who you were before I agreed to marry you. Had I known this was what you were offering me, I would not have married you. You have the power to solve this problem by being honest from the beginning.”

    Him: “That’s not the point.”

    Me: “I know it’s not YOUR point, but it absolutely is THE point.”

  • Him: you’ve always wanted me dead anyway. You loved the kids not me. You hurt the OW’s feelings when you emailed her to stay away from our family.

  • You have no idea how much stress I’m under with all this….
    All this being a stage 4 metastatic breast cancer diagnosis and treatment etc etc all while he carried on going to work and seeing his kids as little as possible on his week back.
    Sporadically pays CS, just often enough to avoid court orders for automatic deductions but not often enough to be reliable. Refusing to take leave to support the children or to be here for them while I was in hospital. Told his job he needed three sets of leave at short notice for the kids – fuck we never saw him.
    An old friend of his asked how I was, he got a twenty minute monologue about how hard all this was on HIM. Not the kids, not me but him. He burns bridges without any help from anyone else.

    And apparently at the moment he is single due to the stress….. The immediately previous hole got sick of him crying poor and blaming me and the kids apparently. Never mind the bars are always open and standards are low

    • God I snickered from trying not to weep at the open bars and low standards comment. Mine cheated so far down I was actually surprised and shocked. Perhaps later comforted somewhat because what the heck was she thinking? The people they cheat with are…scary and fairly gross looking.

    • I love your use of the word “hole” that pretty much says it with these skanks.

      I never in real time gave much thought towards the hole, as she was just evidently the last one in line; at least in my marriage. In there marriage, he evidently had a few more holes to go.

  • Backstory: the Lying Cheating Loser and I moved into an 1,100 sqft rent house together. Due to various factors, the move had to be accomplished in an 8 hour window of time on a weekday.
    Since LCL had to go to work, self-employed me rearranged my schedule and moved everything by myself, in my truck, including beds, mattresses, and large dressers. I’m 5’2″ and 15 years older than LCL.
    Fast-forward two years of constant lying, cheating, drinking, smoking, videogames, general laziness and assholery, and I finally told him to GTFO.
    His mommy paid for a UHaul so he could move home to her, but his “good friend” flaked on him the day of the move (I had conceded he could take the master bedroom furniture, minus the bed which I later took apart and made into a bench).
    So LCL comes into the guest bedroom where I’m camped out, and with his saddest sausage face asks if I will help him move the dresser and the chest of drawers.
    I flatly refuse. And remind him that since I moved OUR ENTIRE household by myself, no help from him, I’m pretty sure he can manage a couple of pieces of furniture. (He’s an able-bodied male in his mid 30s and former military.)
    His priceless, Saddest of Sausages response?
    “I’m not you.”

      • Lulutoo, thank you! I bought the bed in the first place (at a thrift store for $30) and fixed it up to be our bed together.
        I had no particular feelings about it around LCL, and as a junker, buying, altering, and selling pieces (many times right out of my home) is a common occurrence.
        The bed bench turned out great though, and a lovely young couple bought it to use as a photo prop at their wedding.

  • Ex is nothing but a rage and sad sausage party. I can’t possibly remember all of them right but off the top of my head is one of the times she came to be to claim she was in an abusive relationship (with the AP because he curses at her) and that he said she was a burden to everyone. Naturally, you should run to the person you betrayed for emotional support.

    Here’s the texts I got last night (keep in mind it has been a year since she began her affair and she has been on again, off again with him because surprise! The AP doesn’t actually give a shit about her outside of convenient sex and has no intentions of responsibilities that comes with being a partner.

    She hates NC from me
    “I can’t really ask you anymore about us so I won’t (she says this all the time but she’s referring to court proceedings now). I needed you. I needed your help. The most unlikely people, some of them strangers helped me. But not my own husband who swore he would protect me and never give up on me. I asked and asked and asked and I knew this day would come. I won’t ask about us anymore. I did everything I knew.

    But if you can’t even acknowledge my existence as a person after everything I have given you. Someone someday will and so so much more. It’s cruel and unheard of.”

    This woman has been with her AP, has hung out with another man who she has brought around my kids to be with his kids, and she has been on dating sites. She didn’t give a single shit about cheating on me. Didn’t give a single shit to continue to lie to me and rebuke efforts to save the marriage. She made me watch her get ready to go see her AP and didn’t bat an eye at me begging her to not go see him.

    She can’t stand it that I have regained control of my life and will not let run the show. She brings up vows? LOL. She thinks I’m supposed to be an ATM and always there for emotional support for her AP issues while she can cheat and do whatever she wants. No thanks.

    • I’m confused. She needed you? She had an affair, continues the affair, and needed you to WHAT exactly? Support her having an affair? Help her with her sadz?

      • Does it matter? Although I bet she wants money from SheSucks.

        What a POS. I hope she’s living in a box on a sidewalk grate.

        Is it worth sharing with your attorney?

  • That really needs the UBT!

    The self centered entitlement and self pity is rank. Because you know, she hasn’t done *anything* that would make you treat her this way!

    Christ on a fucking bike. ????????????

  • My XH wanted sympathy when he got the absolute shit beat out of him in a parking lot by OW and her husband! I mean full week off of work beating.

    He was angry, gonna go to the cops! I laughed til I choked. But seriously, he expected sympathy. After a nine month affair, her showing up on my porch, then harassing me on FB. He snuck out with her while I slept to ride around and “get closure” and it was a setup. But he still was so mad at me for thinking it was hilarious.

    • Hahahahaaaaaaa! Beans, this is golden. Karma wasted no time there! I’m horrified for you, but I’m also happy you got to witness that ‘closure’. Karma with a nice garnish of schadenfreude!

  • When my ex left her AP the first time (because there was a second time), she was devastated by their breakup and asked me “Common, aren’t you happy I’m suffering?”. Also, I should feel bad for her that she feels lonely because society is judgemental of cheaters and it’s a very lonely place for her to be in because nobody has compassion for her. She feels like an idiot because, after the second time she left her AP, she showed me some interest in saving our marriage while I had taken steps to empower myself while she was dating her AP (return to using my maiden name, etc.). She’s angry at me for taking this permanent step while her affair was temporary. She is saying all that while not being thankful that I’m still here trying to save the marriage.

    • Sounds like you’re a fellow Rainbow traveler, LesboChump. All best to you.

      I stayed for 2 D-Days, 14 years apart. My eldest daughter was 2 years old at D-Day #1, and I was not prepared to have my life ripped apart. (I was also in the early days of cancer survival.) My STBX was sad sausage The Entire Time between the two D-Days, and I was never enough, walking on eggshells etc. I thought I was tired all the time because of my cancer treatments, but now I realize that I was traumatized by D-Day #1, even though none of the therapists realized it or warned me.

      I can’t tell you what to do, LesboChump, but here’s my 2×4: I think there are a lot of disordered types in the lesbian community. Some of them, like my STBX, can put up a reasonably good front for 25+ years. But guess what? There’s always going to be shit in life they can’t handle. My D-Day #2 came in 2018, after STBX’s narc mom died. I stuck it out for about 15 months, not pick-me dancing at all, but seeing whether STBX could do the real work. She couldn’t. I moved out in March. Am feeling a little better, would be feeling even better if it weren’t for Covid, work stress, and kids.

      My friend, you have all the information you need, and if you stay any longer, the damage will continue, even subconsciously. Feel like your energy is being sucked away? There’s a reason for that.

      Come find us on the Reddit forum if you want to chat.

      • Hi LezChump!! Thanks for sharing your experience, you’re a real trooper to have been so patient with your spouse. You’re absolutely right, I have all the info I need at this point, I think I’m just missing the balls to make a move for some unknown reason… maybe I’m still in a residual high of hopium.

      • ” I thought I was tired all the time because of my cancer treatments, but now I realize that I was traumatized by D-Day #1, even though none of the therapists realized it or warned me.”

        LezChump, this really resonated with me, and looking back, it explains a lot. I thought I was so worn out because of cancer treatment . . . I hadn’t had a D-Day yet, but there were so many things that were unexplainable. Things I didn’t dare to look at too closely because I was so busy tiptoeing over the eggshells so he wouldn’t have a scary tantrum. Things like him bringing two women into pre-op “to comfort him” while I was being prepared to have my breast cut off. And I was afraid to ask them to leave, even though I was embarrassed and humiliated by having those two women present while the surgeon marked off the incisions she planned to make. Later, when I did say something, he said it was “no big deal, because they’re lesbians.” But it WAS a big deal. I wanted to be comforted because I was scared to death and instead, everyone’s attention was on HIM. In retrospect, I suspect I was just worn out from the cognitive dissonance, and less from the cancer treatment. Thank you for that insight.

  • I dunno about this one, but it jumped into my head.

    My friends own a company Do Good Be Kind.
    They have merchandise and I bought a couple of the t-shirts and sweatshirts, for me and my daughter. He complained when I bought him things (me, who according to him is selfish and never think of anyone but myself) so I didn’t get him anything.

    The day they arrived was October 31. Just after informing me on our 20th wedding anniversary that he wanted to “move out and live by myself for a while but I don’t want a divorce.” My daughter and I were carving pumpkins. He arrived home (I later learned he had been with the Craigslist cockroach) and asked if I had gotten him anything. I said no, citing his request that I not do so anymore.

    He was actually bummed out.

    That I did not get him a t-shirt that says “Do Good Be Kind.”

    Upon arriving home from fucking Dirty Secret.

    After telling me he wanted to move out for a while by himself.

    But not get a divorce.


    I am so mean and selfish. Poor Perfidy, married to a thoughtless crazy shrew like me.

    They are sick sick people, no doubt.

    (She’s not a dirty secret anymore. She’s just dirty).

  • (schmoops number appears frequently on the phone bill, hours and hours of calls)
    “She is having a hard time right now and the only person I can talk to right now.”

  • When all three teenagers went immediate no contact, “I am just like Job. God took his children, too.”

    When all three now young adult children have maintained stone cold no contact for five years, “I am just like the Father in the Prodigal Son parable. I am here waiting when they return from living with the swine.”

    That would be me!!!

    • Oh yuck. Jesus cheaters are in a class by themselves.

      Funny how they never instance the 10 Commandments, or Christ’s dealings with the adulterous wife.

  • The last time I saw my ex he told me he saw my dating profile and that I looked really good. He told me he decided to take his profile down because “dating was too icky” while he processed his feelings from the divorce. I laughed and told him that being married hadn’t slowed down his dating life, so go for it.

    My guess is that there weren’t too many buyers for what he was selling.

    • Oh, the hilarity and the insanity of dating profiles!

      When caught on Tinder (a “dating” profile), I mused aloud.

      “So, let’s see. I’ll bet your dating profile doesn’t say you are married and cheated on your wife. So you are still doing the same thing that destroyed our relationship….so essentially you’re already on your way to divorce number two and you haven’t even gotten divorce number one.”

      The look on his face as the light bulb (dim) came on made me break out in hysterics.

      What a dunce.

      Take my husband. Please.


      (PS…he told me it was my fault that he was on Tinder because me and my friend told him about it at a baseball game. I laughed louder. Nope. I told him he probably invented it.)

  • My exH told me that “he didn’t want to be in a relationship without trust.”
    Further, that he’d like to, “have a healthy relationship, and not be reminded of past mistakes.”
    I didn’t have a violin handy at the time, but in my head an entire orchestra came marching by to support him in his sad song.
    Because I don’t know, If you genuinely want a healthy trusting relationship maybe don’t live a double life and/or sleep with everything in a skirt.
    Just a thought.

    • Yup. Cheater frequently said to me post 3rd D-day: “You don’t trust me.” It came out of his mouth sounding like part blame and part pity for himself. Now we’re fixing up the house prior to putting it on the market and a bid came through for replacement windows. The labor cost was not separated from the materials cost so I asked him to have the estimator give a detailed bid. He said to me the next day: “The estimator is upset. He thinks you don’t trust him.” Sane blame, same tone of voice, it actually threw me back into feeling guilty for an hour.

      • “The estimator is upset. He thinks you don’t trust him.”


        I can’t think of any legit estimator who’d be ‘upset’ because the client asked for a detailed bid. Fuckwit is projecting.

  • I returned from a business trip to an empty house and an e-mail from my X as the first notification that my 28-year marriage was over. I was traumatized.

    A few weeks later he had the gall to sob to me about how lonely he was at work.

  • I am the type of person that after being told a person’s woes will show try to show a connection and understanding of that issue by sharing a similar personal story. (“OMG – I know just how you must feel, that happened to me too!”) But I have gotten dinged for it by people (including the XAss) as trying to “one up” their story – somehow negating that experience. I now understand how those responses of mine could so be perceived so I try not to do that anymore. Just let the person know that I’ve heard them without adding my personal experience without being asked.

    The XAss however, IS one of those people who will try to outdo your pain. It didn’t matter how small the issue, his was always more difficult, lasted longer and was more severe than anything you experienced. From if I mentioned I had a headache, well he suffers from migraines all the time! To when I tried in desperation to show him just how mentally depressed I was that I was contemplating suicide and his response was well, he’s depresssed too! It almost sent me over the edge when I realized that my husband, the man who was supposed to be my best friend, to have my back, didn’t really care if I was sinking below the waves, as long as everyone noticed he was having a hard time swimming and could someone send him a life preserver – don’t mind the flailing, screaming woman in the background.

    • Sounds like an issue we routinely see in our society- a fight to be at the top of the totem pole in the Oppression Olympics.

  • Oh yeah, sucks that we’ve all been here.

    Mine had an online relationship (I think?)with an old girlfriend 7 years before the exit affair. I found the emails when he deployed and he broke it off.

    When he decided our relationship of 30+ years was over he reconnected with her. **He told me how hard it was to apologize for the way he dumped her so abruptly years before!!!** They dated for our entire divorce, moved in together before it was finalized. Divorce was 4months start to finish, btw, very classy.

  • After my ex begrudgingly told his AP that he couldn’t see her anymore, and let me tell you I was present when he made the call to her and he started crying like a baby because he was so devastated to hurt such a good person and friend. The next day he wanted to run off and console her and when I protested, he told me that if she killed herself from their breakup that her blood was on my hands!!!!

    • I cannot imagine being privvy to such a call. That must have been incredibly painful.

      That he would blame you if she were to kill herself because he couldn’t console her is ridiculous. I hope you know that.

      Mine said I would have blood on my hands if I reached out to the OW’s ex husband. (Note: I’d never expressed any desire to do that.) I was told that if I contacted him, this ex would kill her (or my ex). Such drama!!! It’s kibbles to them.

      During the affair and divorce, my ex and the OW were starring in their own soap opera. Now that both divorces are behind they and they are living together, I can only assume that they have to figure out another way to keep things exciting. Who knows? Who cares?

      Btw, notice that everyone else has blood on their hands but the cheaters.????

      • “Now that both divorces are behind they and they are living together, I can only assume that they have to figure out another way to keep things exciting. Who knows? Who cares?”

        You know, I have wondered about that. As I have mentioned, my time of crisis is long past. However, it resurged recently not long before the lockdown, when he and whore blew up his relationship with our son. I was not around, but of course my son and his wife told me about it.

        It is a long story, but since I know things now, I didmn’t know then, I have wondered if that is part of them again creating drama, or a triangulation to create excitement. They have also had falling outs with a couple different church preachers, and falling outs with her family, and they together ran up huge gambling debts.

        Back then, I had no clue about elicit sex and affair excitement and what drove these situations. Like I have said, I sure wish I had CL and some other sources when my situation hit. Heck if I had, I likely would have researched and figured out what was happening long before I did.

        Hate that so many of you are going through it, but sure am glad you have some good resources.

      • If APs threaten suicide, call the police and report it. If cheaters make the case that AP might commit suicide, call the police and report it. The threats will suddenly stop like magic.

      • ????????????

        There are few things more despicable than 1) threatening suicide oneself, or 2) Insinuating another person’s suicide would be your fault.

        • Yep, but with FWs they blame the betrayed for their adultery, so it stands to reason to them that everything else is on us.

          If not on us, it will be the new chump or friend chumps. It will never be them.

  • My husband told me that he had an affair because he needed more attention and sex from me, and that he thought that it would “hurt my feelings” if he told me that- so to spare them, he started cybersexing with women online, and then started an affair. He said that he felt bad that he had caused us both pain, and had hoped that we could “become friends.”

    • So nice of him to spare your feelings by seeking sex elsewhere. “I’m just a sweet, considerate guy.” And they believe this crap.????

  • Ex only uses sad sausage to defend Schmoopie. Apparently her ex hates her and says such terrible things about her. She has had such a difficult life as a SAHM raising five children with a cheating husband. During reconciliation, he just had to go get her and drive her home after her ex stranded her at a restaurant. He was late to get the kids because Schmoopie fell off her bike and scraped her knee. Her ex husband, with whom Schmoopie was perfectly happy to leave her kids while carrying on an affair, is a horrible father who only wants custody to avoid child support. Her daughter is moody. Our son doesn’t treat her right. I am mean to her by avoiding her. Etc. Etc. The poor woman, always in need of rescue. Thank God she has a boyfriend with a hero complex.

    • His sad family stories are what he used to hook me in the beginning. I got the painful lesson that they were from an extremely disordered person. Now I am his sad story hook to others.

      Before parental meditation, during the winter, he walked into the room itching to make eye contact and complain. Someone mentioned how cold it was and he jumped to let everyone know he was now forced to pay four electric bills. Don’t you feel sorry for me mentality. After a hot second, I realized he was including mine into the mix. I’m sure it was a pain because I always paid the bills associated with our home.

      I met him to try to solve things and it was two hours of being talked at. At one point he was telling me about talking about me to a guy who was sharing a problem. The ex stated you think that’s bad? My wife left taking everything we owned. My head spun. He was telling me he lied about me as if he was speaking to someone else. Never once in those two hours did he ask about the kids or the dog. I gave up trying to solve it between us after that.

      I’d like her because she and I are a lot alike. A year or so later we were alike because neither wanted to have sex with him. So sad. He was into someone else at that point with sides of sex workers and porn.

      I haven’t been happy for 22 yrs. So sad

  • my xw lives in Self-Pity. Self-pity leads to self-help books and education (but god forbid she does the actual work).

    There was plenty of “poor me” during the divorce/D-day shit-storm.

    But even now, gosh darn, its SO HARD to help with the joint budget, and SO HARD to email plans on my days, and its SO HARD to with Covid, and SO HARD to *sigh* just …..

    • Oh God. That’s all they know. Poor me bullshit. Manipulative women can pull this off because so many people fall for the damsel in distress act. My ex likes to play her parents with the “I know I’m messed up and need help” but never actually does anything except post some self love meme on her social media and continue the same shitty behavior. Never actual therapy.

      They only know how to use people.

  • “But we’re having money issues since she list her job.”

    Shared after draining the savings running up all the bills, and leaving me and the two kids with nothing. But we were supposed to understand he couldn’t afford daycare, because the howorker lost her job.

  • I was supposed to feel sorry for serial cheater/serial rapist ex because:

    It was too hard to break up with one affair partner and she needed more time.

    It was so sad mourning the supposed loss of another affair partner she was still seeing on the side in secret.

    I was so controlling and it was unfair that I wanted her to be monogamous and not with affair partners.

    I was so controlling to demand she not share a bed with other women. They were ass “just friends” after all. And the affair partner’s boyfriend was totally home so it was okay.

    One affair partner was too rough during sex and hurt her genitals.

    I wouldn’t have sex with her because it was too painful because of the infections _she gave me through cheating_ that hurt like OMG and cost me hundreds and hundreds of dollars to get medically treated.

    The sex party she went to got out of control and only one guy kissed her but he was creepy and the guy she forcefully kissed without his consent wasn’t into her.

    No one is attracted to her or wants to fuck her.

    No one tried to fuck her at the halloween party so she coerced a “mutual friend” into pity fucking her later.

    She’s too traumatized to get a job.

    All these women and girls and one man had “falsely” accused her of rape and statutory rape and boo hoo poor her. Even worse that I told her I wasn’t going to feel sorry for her because I believed them.

    The massage parlor massage therapist only groped her breasts and she couldn’t go further with him.

    She cries every night because she hears the screams of all her victims in her head.

    She can’t remember the details of raping and abusing all her victims so she can’t possibly turn herself in to the police. Besides, she’s a good person now because she goes the therapy sometimes and “helps” the homeless… probably actually preying off the homeless. But poor her regardless.

    One of her victims wasn’t nice to her when he realized she had been lying to and manipulating him into sexual contact with her for the past 2 decades so he supposedly “abused her” because he got angry and yelled and all of his friends should feel sorry for her and stop being his friend.

    I tried to confront her on everything. How could I?

    When she coerced me into polyamory after years and years of threats, manipulation, and abuse to get me to finally give up and do it, I didn’t immediately dump the other partner because she demanded it of me a few weeks later because she didn’t like it and she wasn’t fucking enough other people on the side and he stopped wanting to fuck her also. This was the worst pain she had ever experienced. How could I do this to her? It felt like I was cheating on her and it hurt her SO MUCH even though she was fucking many others on the side the whole time, coerced me into it over years and years, pushed this guy specific on me, and I was completely honest with her about all of it. I guess she didn’t like that I defied my sense of ethics to do the thing she forced me to do…?

    • That is some *mega* mindfuckery and manipulation marissachump. I do hope you didn’t fall for it.

      What an *evil* person.

  • Ah yes, the sad sausage. Fuckwit tried to cry on my shoulder that the whore is completely psycho and is trying to punish him for being a cheating, lying pos – yup work whore. It’s so unfair to him and she is soooo terrible, the worst, the most psycho ever. She is making his life difficult and being totally crazy and unreasonable. No, fuckwit, it’s not her, it’s you who did this to yourself – you picked her not to mention you chose to lie and cheat.

    I shut that down pretty quick. How dare he cry on my shoulder about the consequences of whoring. Mind boggling to me, but apparently perfectly rational to fuckwits.

  • My STBX is at this moment a very sad sausage. He got served last night. How dare I hire legal representation to protect myself for a lying cheater?!?! Cheater was trying to BLESS me and now I ruined EVERYTHING and the lawyers are the only ones that benefit this way.

    No, this way I don’t have to deal with a lying cheater. Worth every penny!

    • Poor guy, and he was only tring to look out for you.

      My ex called to ask if we could use the same lawyer (his of course) because it would save us both money. Well I know it would save him money, he knew what he wanted and he and his trash lawyer would have screwed me into poverty.

      I said nope. Then he said, your problem is you can’t think for yourself. I said, well right now I can’t, so I have already hired a lawyer to think for me. I guess that insult was suppose to be a double dog dare. Idiot.

  • Hi Chump Nation, I’m a newcomer to the site. I found you while searching for helpful resources for a friend who’s received some sketchy emails from her husband’s OWs (with screenshots that prove serial cheating). For now, it seems like she’s not ready to leave yet, so I’ve reassured her that what he’s doing is wrong and that I’ll be there for her when/if she’s ready to move on.

    As I read the archives, though, I was shocked by how much your posts resonated with me as someone who grew up in the shadow of a narc sibling. Sparkly Narc older sister turned on the charm, rage, and self-pity channels relentlessly throughout our childhood. She had lots of friends growing up, and labeled me “an introvert loser with no life.” She also triangulated our parents against me (“It’s Mom and me versus Dad and YOU”), and her rages were terrifying: kicked-in doors, runaway plots, suicide threats. Whenever I said anything, it was written off as sibling rivalry or jealousy. As a young child, I became angry and withdrawn dealing with the mood swings and struggled in school early on, so my parents and grandparents saw me as the slow, troubled, problem child. Which seems crazy considering what I wrote above, but disordered personalities are manipulative and pull people along in their wake.

    Over the last two decades, the tables have turned drastically. I’ve worked hard, received a Ph.D. in a field I love, have a fulfilling career, and a partner who keeps me sane. Sparkly Narc started turning on the self-pity channel described here, calling our mom about how I have it so easy and her life is so much harder than mine. She’s spiraled into a decade of drug addiction and poverty that she’s only just now beginning to resolve. I’m trying to figure out how to protect my young niece from her as best I can. I had a milestone birthday a week ago, and my sole surviving grandparent called to say that if someone had told him all I would accomplish twenty years ago, he wouldn’t have believed them…um, thanks? Maybe if you hadn’t been taken in by Sparkly Narc, you would’ve. I know it was big of him to call, but it’s poignant because many of those who supported me when I needed help then have now passed.

    I don’t want to hijack the site because I know how few supportive sites there are for survivors of infidelity and narc abuse. But thank you for starting a conversation about the destruction these disordered people wreak on their spouses, families, and lives. If I experience infidelity myself (watching a dear friend go through it has shown me it can happen to anyone), I can only hope to have one ounce of the strength, grace, and perseverance so many of you have shown.

    • Congrats at living an awesome life, Sparkle Free. You prove that the best way to overcome a narc is to be mighty. They are stuck with their sad self. Keep finding wisdom on this site to share with your friend. Supporting someone through the pick-me dance is a battle. So sorry that she is going through this. It’s awful beyond words.

  • AP was my friend- “you’re too caught up in your hurt to understand mine”
    Response to “if you were my friend/cared you would have blocked him”
    “FINE- there, he’s blocked. You’re lucky I value you so much”

    His sad sausage moments were something crazy twisted and I can’t even remember any. It was such a mindfuck. But apparently he sad sausaged me not believing he would pay me back a debt to a friend of mine.

    • The first time he admitted to trying to cheat on me (I was a new mother with a sick baby to care for) the confession was essentially this:

      I lied about where I stayed when I went out of town for a family funeral. I stayed at a female friend’s house, and she offered to let me sleep in her bed. I propositioned her and… *starts to cry* she turned me down! *sobs* She made me go sleep in my car!! I’m so disgusting, why won’t anyone ever love me?! *wails in agony*

      I tried to leave then. It took me 14 years to finally start drawing boundaries. Anyone who plays that sad sausage card is so much trouble.

      • “I lied about where I stayed when I went out of town for a family funeral. I stayed at a female friend’s house, and she offered to let me sleep in her bed. I propositioned her and… *starts to cry* she turned me down! *sobs* She made me go sleep in my car!! I’m so disgusting, why won’t anyone ever love me?! *wails in agony*”

        Woooowwww… they really ARE all cut from the same cloth. Mine also cried to me about being rejected by affair partners and not being attractive to or loved by anyone…. I guess I was not even chopped liver.

  • “I’ll never be happy”. “I just want me life back”. “I’ll never forgive myself”.

    Don’t care. Yup divorce sucks. Not my problem.

  • He actually said this to me post discovery (I think he thought it would make me feel better. WTF!):

    “I don’t always cum when I have sex with her.”

    He added that she has some unsightly surgical scars.

    Sooooo, I guess I’m supposed to feel sorry for him.

  • Ex-wife blamed banging my cousin and destroying our family on the fact that when she was a little girl she didn’t get the rocking horse she was expecting for Christmas.

  • Omg – I could write a book filled with all of the sad sausage statements.
    He’s hurting way more than I am.
    I didn’t make him feel safe when we were together. I could be making him feel safe now but I’m not (after the divorce was filed)
    Everyone abandons him
    He compares the latest and greatest dday during wreck-conciliation to what he had endure living with my post-infidelity PTSD – what about what he had to put up with?

    That’s the main gist – he makes an equivalency between his cheating and the torture of living with a woman you’ve abused and traumatized.

    Crazy town.

  • “OW is so annoying. She’s such a spoiled princess.” (You actually expect sympathy?)

    The ubiquitous “I made such a terrible mistake” (Yeah you did. Fetch the world’s tiniest violin.)

    The week before I moved out he pulled out all the stops “Oh no, I’m probably going to get fired and OW broke up with me!”. Both were likely false, as he was giving her a booty call just 6 days before the alleged breakup. At that point I had discovered CL and CN and was just glad to get out of that shit storm.

  • My sad sausage text this week….

    I am so sorry for all that has happened.
    I know now that my unhappiness wasn’t because of Where we lived, where I worked or because of our marriage. I was too stubborn to accept I had a problem and it was unfair for me to say you didn’t love was the reason for my being in such a sad place. I could not let go of the past and dwelt on what my actions had cost us instead of focusing on what our future could still have been. I thought in needed to make external changes to be happy again and blamed Our location, my jobs there and you for my sadness. That was wrong and I see now that I need to get help with the depression and that the reason I’m struggling with it is internal. I don’t know When It started, it may have been with me since my uncle did those terrible things to me and I just lost the ability to control it. When I started seeing the psychologist, I thought I only was dealing with anxiety, but the anxiety was coming from where I was allowing someone to control me into doing things I knew were wrong. When I got out of that, the anxiety seemed to disappear for a while I thought I would be better. But the sadness is there every day. I have prayed for answers, I have prayed for guidance. Unfortunately if I was provided the answer I don’t know if I trust myself to recognize it. I prayed and prayed about us staying in our location and I felt very strongly the answer was for us to leave. When you said you had been given the answer to stay, I couldn’t understand because I believed there wasn’t any doubt my answer to my prayers was for us to leave. Now I understand that was not the right thing for us nor even for me. I have been to church 3 of the last 4 Sunday’s, I know it’s where I should be but it’s hurts to see what I threw away. Please know that I do want to do what is right by you and the kids. I can promise that I will never let anyone else ever control my actions towards you or what I should do for the kids ever again. I was not given the choice to keep my job, I lost focus because of the depression and AP has made it her personal mission to punish me. She kept sending stuff to the commissioners and the city manager so with the combination of things they decided to go a different direction. The job with my previous employer didn’t work out because they didn’t think I would stay long. That has been hard to accept, while it was going to pay as much it would have allowed to not have had a break in child support. The two interviews I have next week, one is in ….. but only pays a little under $16 an hour, the other is for a manager for a restaurant it will pay about $45000 a year but will be about 55 hours a week. I spoke to child support services and as long as I am paying something they won’t take a warrant out on me. I know it takes a few days after a payment is made before you can get the money, but I don’t know what else to do. I am sorry for all of this.

    $70 this month for 3 kids


    • My UBT is even shorter.

      Nothing if my fault (I’m a victim of vindictive OW/ depression/ former employer).

      I might have previous experiences that I’ll now use as a sob story to shut you up, so you don’t hold me accountable/ question anything because you feel sorry for me (depression, child abuse).

      I’m not saying these previous experiences didn’t happen or that they aren’t potentially serious (crime) or we should no longer be compassionate. My father objectively had horrendous childhood experiences (related to WW2) and my mother never questioned him or hold him accountable for anything on any (marital) issue because you know, he’d suffered so much and/ or had acted out of it. It’d never occurred to my mother that she’d had some horrendous war experiences yet ended up as a loving and responsible adult.

      • There’s always the option of seeking professional help (trauma therapy) for childhood abuse. Somehow a cheater can’t manage that.

  • Was that all in one text?? I have visions of your ex pounding away at this screed for 15 minutes straight. My UBT is nowhere near as good as CL’s but I’ll give it a shot:

    “I am so sorry for all that has happened.”

    I am sorry that I have lost your income/housekeeping services/kibbles.

    “I know now that my unhappiness wasn’t because of Where we lived, where I worked or because of our marriage. I was too stubborn to accept I had a problem and it was unfair for me to say you didn’t love was the reason for my being in such a sad place. I could not let go of the past and dwelt on what my actions had cost us instead of focusing on what our future could still have been. I thought in needed to make external changes to be happy again and blamed Our location, my jobs there and you for my sadness.”

    We kept moving to a newer, sparklier location but somehow that didn’t make me any happier. By the way, that is totally your fault that I wasn’t happy.

    ” That was wrong and I see now that I need to get help with the depression and that the reason I’m struggling with it is internal. ”

    I don’t have NPD, I’m just depressed!

    “I don’t know When It started, it may have been with me since my uncle did those terrible things to me and I just lost the ability to control it. ”

    Here is my skein of fuckedupness! The more mental energy you devote to untangling it the less you will have left over to realize I am a FW.

    “When I started seeing the psychologist, I thought I only was dealing with anxiety, but the anxiety was coming from where I was allowing someone to control me into doing things I knew were wrong. When I got out of that, the anxiety seemed to disappear for a while I thought I would be better. But the sadness is there every day. ”

    Anxiety! Depression! Anything but NPD! Also, I never really did those terrible things. The AP held a gun to my head! I have no agency whatsoever in my life.

    “Unfortunately if I was provided the answer I don’t know if I trust myself to recognize it. ”

    I don’t trust myself and neither should you.

    “I prayed and prayed about us staying in our location and I felt very strongly the answer was for us to leave. When you said you had been given the answer to stay, I couldn’t understand because I believed there wasn’t any doubt my answer to my prayers was for us to leave. ”

    How dare you defy God/me, thou lowly chump!

    “I have been to church 3 of the last 4 Sunday’s, I know it’s where I should be but it’s hurts to see what I threw away. Please know that I do want to do what is right by you and the kids.”

    I go to church therefore I am a good person and you should totally believe me, even though I’ve lied and cheated on multiple occasions. Because Jesus. Come on, forgive me. You know Jesus wants you to.

    “I can promise that I will never let anyone else ever control my actions towards you or what I should do for the kids ever again.”

    Unless the scary AP comes back with her gun. Then all bets are off.

    ” I was not given the choice to keep my job, I lost focus because of the depression and AP has made it her personal mission to punish me. ”

    The AP broke up with me because I was a FW to her too. Also, I got fired for being a FW at work too. Have fun collecting child support from me, chump!

    “She kept sending stuff to the commissioners and the city manager so with the combination of things they decided to go a different direction.”

    The AP was more vengeful than I thought. When you left and I didn’t immediately make her Mrs. FW she gathered incriminating evidence against me and sent it to my employers. I didn’t realize she was allowed to do that.

    ” The job with my previous employer didn’t work out because they didn’t think I would stay long. ”

    My previous employer figured out that I was an unreliable flake who frequently cut ethical corners and took credit for the work of others (I’m just guessing here but that is how narcs operate in the workplace)

    “That has been hard to accept, while it was going to pay as much it would have allowed to not have had a break in child support. The two interviews I have next week, one is in ….. but only pays a little under $16 an hour, the other is for a manager for a restaurant it will pay about $45000 a year but will be about 55 hours a week. I spoke to child support services and as long as I am paying something they won’t take a warrant out on me. I know it takes a few days after a payment is made before you can get the money, but I don’t know what else to do. I am sorry for all of this.”

    I am deliberately taking a lower-paying position because hurting you and the kids is more important to me than nice things for myself.

  • Yes…all in one text around midnight. You make me feel better. I get similar message every couple of weeks, late at night. I don’t even understand why he continues to send text messages. I made the mistake of answering the phone a few weeks back and only said yes/no until he hung up. It still hurt. Kids told me he has a GF. She should be the one receiving text messages and phone calls. He threw us away.

    I did not respond to the text.

    • When the kids are with you, block him. If he calls he can still leave a voicemal, you can listen to that later.
      If you pick up and realize it’s him, tell him you’re in a rush, he should call back and leave a voicemail and then HANG UP, Make an e-mail account just for him, and make sure anything he sends you by email is forwarded there. Then don’t connect that account to your phone; check it just once a day or even less.

      It’s so much easier to deal with the mind-fuckery (and that’s what this is!) when they don’t have instant access to us.

  • Irony: my cheating husband tried to get me to feel sympathy for the OW because…wait for it…her husband cheated on her!!!
    I. Just. Can’t. ????????‍♀️????????????????????????‍♀️

  • My ex could definitely sad some sausage…but weirdly it didn’t seem at all like he was trying to get *my* sympathy. It seemed instead like he was talking to someone else, defending himself, justifying his shitty behavior. Now that I think about it…he was probably just repeating things he had already said to the AP; he did that with things I said to him as well over the years–echo them back to me months later verbatim like a big, creepy parrot…. Anyway, a few of my favorites:

    “I’m just tired of feeling alone in my own house.” (Um, maybe that’s because you shrug off my attempts to connect with you EVERY NIGHT to stare at your phone or ESPN?)
    “I only drink because I know you won’t have sex with me.” (See above.)
    And for the gold…. “You never want to do stuff with me anymore. I’m tired of having to train for these events by myself [50K runs, 26 mile quadrathlons in blizzards, 140-mile bike events that gain as much elevation as Everest]. I want a partner who will do that stuff with me.” (Well, alrighty then….)

    What really enraged me about this sad-sausage routine, especially the last act, was the ENTITLEMENT lurking behind it–as if he really, truly believed I owed him abject obedience and complete cooperation with his every desire. And when I didn’t deliver: well, then, I was just like an appliance he had bought that wasn’t living up to its hype, so naturally he was perfectly justified in getting a new version and leaving me on the curb for charity pick-up with a one-star review….

    • Okupin,

      This level of entitlement in a cheater spouse hits close to home. It’s me, me, me, me all the way.

      Did he ever do things *you* wanted to do?

      I adopted ex’s hobbies to be together as a couple (translation: I lost myself in his demands and desires, even lost touch with what I enjoyed).

      In the last 10 years, his obsession (and I mean obsession) was fly fishing. Together we traveled to far-flung places to fish. We hopped on small planes to get to remote rivers in Alaska. We hiked for miles in waders and boots (the kind not meant for hiking–think blisters!) to find good pools. It wasn’t really my thing, although I justified doing it because I liked being outdoors and doing something together.

      In the month before he confessed to the multi-year affair, I joined him for a week-long fishing trip to a remote part of Canada. We fished 8 hours a day. Afterwards, he wondered if I wanted “a medal” for doing that and asked, “Do I have to go on a yoga retreat now?”

      It didn’t help that during the trip he picked a fight. I went to my computer, opened a word doc, and journaled about how I really didn’t like fishing. When I left my computer to go to the bathroom, he typed in my passcode and read my rant, a rant that I promptly deleted when I returned from the bathroom. Whatever.

      So, in the end, he felt sorry for himself because I didn’t like fishing enough. The OW loves to fish, he says. They even got a massive matching fish tattoos on their thighs. This old appliance didn’t enjoy fishing enough. Off to the curb.

      And he feels sorry for himself because all he did was switch out an appliance. “Why oh why is everyone making such a big deal about it? And no one cares that I’m now sad. It’s not fair.”

      • Yep, I camp and boated because that is what he wanted. I did the volunteer work he signed up for because he was too “busy” to make it to the events.

        But, one of his complaints the one time we went to talk to the preacher was, I always tried to get her to be more independant. Then in the next breath he said about himself “I am a controller, and I will always be” The preachers just sat there and stared at him. That whole session was basically about what I would need to do to win him back.

        I was do dependant that I had a full time job, worked at a lot of volunteer work, and also made sure he had clean clothes food, and whatever the hell else he wanted. He married schmoopie, who withing two years went on disability, and when he had his massive heart attact, had to have my son help her pay the bills.

        Nothing these FWs say or do make any sense. I don’t even think most of them remember what they say five minutes later, they just flail.

        Later the preacher called me and said, he sure didn’t say what I was expecting. I said really? he said exactly what I was expecting.

        • It’s not your son’s responsibility to help his invalid cheater of a father and the disabled wifetress pay their bills.

          • Oh I know, and he doesn’t do that. What I meant was that, she couldn’t figure out how to pay their bills, so he had to take over that. She is so stupid that she told my son that he would have to take the bills straight to the vendors (gas, water etc) as FW does not like bills to be mailed. One of her issues was that she could not drive their big ass SUV, so she couldn’t get to the vendors to pay the bills in person.

            My son said FW is flat on his back, he is not in control, so he grabbed the bills with the checks, and mailed them in.

            It wasn’t long after that when he recovered, that FW and schmoopie caused a big fight and the whole living situation blew up. Son sold his property and FW and schmoopie moved to another state.

            Since then, my son has talked to his dad on the phone, and once went to see him in FL. Son’s wife to this day refuses to talk to either of them They were horrible to her.

            • Yay ! I’m so glad you and your son are fuckwit free. What kind of dumbass hand delivers utility bills ? A lot of people don’t even use the crumbling postal service in the US anymore, and pay online.
              Thanks for the clarification.

              • This was a few years ago, but yeah I agree.

                But, when we were together, he would take all the bills (that he could) direct to the vendor. I don’t know why. He was on the street all day (police officer) so it was no big deal to him.

                I don’t know why he did that. I never did it though.

    • Nothing like becoming an exercise bulimic to literally run away from your spouse,children,any semblance of being an adult.

  • Sad sausage all the way for me.
    He uses this line.
    “She kicked me out of the bed and I had to sleep on a cold floor” – when I asked him to sleep separately because I couldn’t handle his ‘texting’ and gaming. Didn’t know it was the AP. Chumpy me went to call him back and turned on heater, and put a blanket over him.
    “She will never trust me again”
    “I will not be happy (if we reconcile)”
    “In another era, I could have had both”
    “Who waits for 13 years to have kids?”
    And so many more….

    I taste meh sometimes. Which is good progress.

  • After discovery . ” You should thank him ! He tred to save our family ! ” I replied , I thought when you try and save someone you throw a life preserver not a dick! Then I got the tearful ” if you knew you would have thrown me out and kept me from the kids ” then the cheater mother in law called me in a crying and in a pitiy attempt saying ” I hope and pray that you won’t try and make her suffer for this!” Later I was asked to drive her to a special reconciliation prayer and confession event at the church because “I’m never going to let a man use me like that again ! “

    • Oh yeah, that reminded me of “she was helping me with the marriage”, “she gave me good advice”. Really got the feeling that he wanted me to bow down and kiss her feet.

      • Amazing isn’t it?! My then 3 year old daughter knew him by name too. He was a police officer and he drove by my house often, my daughter spotted his cruiser and ” look daddy! It’s jim!”

        • Sounds like he was stalking you all. If he drove by your house often. That’s checking up on you all aka stalking. Dealing with this currently myself.

        • Oh Lord. My PO ex was always out at night “counseling” the mayor or some other cop because he was having marriage problems. Can’t believe the shit I swallowed.

          Oh I knew something was wrong, but when questioned he said “it is just my new job at work, too much pressure; I will make it up to you” He sure did. Dumped my ass for the town slut. But, to be fair in the longer run, it turned out way better for me than for him. So I guess he did make it up to me.

    • Omg SAME.

      “I talk to her about our marriage and she has really helped me with it.”

      “I’m really grateful for her role in how I now view our marriage/relationship.”

      “If you really want to know what we spend most of our time talking about, it’s OUR relationship. You and me.” (Oh gee, that makes me feel so much better. I’m sure she gives you the BEST, most untainted advice ever. Wait, is this before or after you two fuck?)

      “She’s not just a pawn that I used to fix our marriage. It’s not like now that we’re doing better (because of her), that I’m just going to discard her. She’s not going anywhere.” ????

      • omg – the asswipe told his AP everything about me! So sick!! They would discuss me all the time! What… the… hell? I wonder what they talk about now that I am no longer a participant in that triangle?
        After I found out for sure he had another girlfriend, I would snoop on his text messages and they were ALWAYS discussing me! What I was doing, how I was acting, what I said, where I went, when would I be out of the house, and the best is her text: “I won’t be happy until she is cut out of your life completely. She has always meant more to you than me and I deserve more than that!” This is a woman who is MARRIED with no intention of leaving her husband and her $350,000 home in a quaint subburb with her art studio there. Yeah, an artist – mooching off a man she married to support her lifestyle. Do you know how much fine artists make? Not much. WTF – I wish I didn’t know anything about her… but then again, it just made me see what a terrible person SHE is too – another CN said something to the effect of: he chose a terrible person to be with and that says more about him than about her. YUK.

  • I found out my 15+ year marriage was over on the phone. He was acting strange on emails, and I finally asked if I could call. He told me he was meeting lots of women and it had got him thinking – ya know (that’s what he said to me). He said he had been celibate for 5 years (not quite true, but things were not good in that area). I said, oh maybe if I wore more makeup, I love you, etc…He then wrote he ASSUMED I knew he had been unhappy for sometime. No – we had just returned from vacation. He was being mean to me though. That was the last conversation by voice we ever had. I found out he had been having online liaisons for most of our marriage, looking for “discrete encounters”, and was into voyeurism/exhibitionism. Hookup profiles on adult sites – still to this day (he doesn’t know I know). I filed for divorce immediately. He did not fight it one bit. He had an AF – that didn’t work out. Then when I found out about the new one, he told me it shouldn’t bother me as when they met during our marriage, they just flirted and nothing happened! Now they had hooked up 14 years later (oh and he is still on the adult web sites!) He also told me I was his best friend and he had always loved me…..He did say he might quit work due to mobility issues (he is crazy fit), and that he would never be able to buy a house (not even close to true). So with that, and his comment – he had been unhappy for some time, that’s my sad sausage tale.

  • I should have added when I said I could wear more makeup – he said that would help (pick me…). He said there wasn’t anyone else when I asked. Instead he said he was meeting lots of people. And all during this he and the AF were arranging for her to travel overseas to meet him and go to a sex club. It was crazy, He had problems in the bedroom area for most our marriage. I took the blame mostly to not hurt the ego. Now I think it was the porn and fantasy. It’s been rough!

    • Newly Minted,

      I’m so sorry. He sucks. Truly sucks.

      “I took the blame mostly to not hurt the ego. Now I think it was the porn and fantasy.” Yup. So many of us in CN experienced the same.

      Now (I hope) you are rid of him and can start life anew. He doesn’t deserve you. He doesn’t sound capable of true love and commitment. I suspect he won’t age well.

      You, on the other hand, have a chance at a new chapter (makeup or no makeup!!).

      All the best!

      • Thanks Spinach! This site has helped me a lot. It has been a year and several months since I found out about the other life – I had no idea. I filed for divorce within a month. I have now been divorced a month. New city, new job. It is still hard, but y’all are helping me start over! Thank you!

  • I think the worst thing was that my ex FW told me, he just couldn’t lie anymore, as he was not a good liar. In the next breath he said I never loved you and I have never been faithful. (20 year marriage). Had been lying to me for our whole marriage, yet now he isn’t a good liar.

    Just couldn’t leave me anything.

    Oh he told me later he was just lying to try to get me to hate him, but once those words are uttered, you can’t come back from that.

  • He said (over and over and over): “This is hard for me, too! This is hard for all of us.” I told him off one day and he didn’t even respond, because you can’t argue with the truth if you are a complete moron. I do remember using the line: “I am the one eating a shit sandwich! Not you, not her, ME.” I remember thinking how that CL line just rolled of my tongue and I knew it at that point that I would never speak to him again once I got out of his house and away from him. I am ETERNALLY GRATEFUL for CL and CN for showing me some sense. Cheating is abuse – no ifs, ands, or buts – it is abusive to lie to your partner and have unprotected sex with them while having unprotected sex with another person who has no fucking clue and is under the impression it is a monogamous relationship. A person who lies lacks integrity and they do not deserve respect. I drove by him today… I did have that feeling you can never prepare for, the rush of heat, but I am seriously ok. This bitch be like: ewww when I see him. I think meh is coming…

    • Yep.

      So much lying, manipulating, gaslighting, theft of marital funds and more. It is a lot to get over. I know some folks do it, but I don’t see how.

      If the cheater is immediately remorseful, and gets help, and dumps the OW and does not defend the OW; I can see them trying, especially with young children.

      Unfortunately, most of them don’t do any of that, in fact they do the opposite. Or like about it and take it underground.

  • Cheater Narc Ex totally bailed not only on me, our home, our friends, our entire life together, but also on our kids (which I really hadn’t expected). When he’d done a super thorough job of that, leading to his being broke, the kids no longer speaking to him, and his AP dumping him (for another man, surprise surprise), he had the gall to tell me;

    ‘I lost a lot more than you did.’

    Then of course he was ENRAGED that I responded; ‘You didn’t LOSE anything at all. You threw it all away’.

    • “Then of course he was ENRAGED that I responded; ‘You didn’t LOSE anything at all. You threw it all away’.”

      So true. They are the only ones who had a choice. They chose to shit can the family, and give their power over to a whore.

    • OMG KarenE,

      That was what the X said to me too. “I lost so much more.” And my reply was the same as yours! I see so many similar sad sausage words falling out of the mouths of cheaters it’s like they’re pre-programmed unethical robots who’s mission was to screw people over and expecting sympathy for the shit that happens after.

  • The X was being a sad sausage for himself, and for the AP. This line was burned into my brain, when she was ousted for dating her boss of 2 months, and “realising” that he was married (note: I interviewed her for the job):

    X: “She is shattered, devastated!!”
    Me: “What about me, huh?!”
    X: …

    So on the sad sausage channel, he comes first, she comes second, and I am not in sight because I’m just a nuisance who’s getting in the way of twu wuv. These garbage people are just unbelievable.

  • I think my EX’s insistence that he “forgave me” and was thus entitled to endless forgiveness from me was the stupidest of his sad sausage ploys. There wasn’t anything specific he needed to forgive me for–just the ordinary day-to-day imperfections of people (I forgot to buy cilantro the night we had tacos, etc.) And it was so unfair that I wasn’t extending forgiveness to him as well. It “proved” that I was an evil person and he (despite his “soul mate” and domestic abuse) was a wonderful Christian. He was the victim, not me.

  • “My mom worked a lot.”
    [So that’s why I have to stare at women’s body parts in public and on my computer. And have emotional affairs that include jerking off. I need that affirmation.] “I just want to be seen as a strong and attractive male.” “I do it for comfort.” [Because my mom favors her sister and niece over our family, I have to be a sex addict.] The quoted parts are verbatim. The bracketed parts are paraphrases. You can’t make this shit up.

  • Mine said that OW had more empathy for his mental health after I threw him out following DDay 1. She told him she’d do anything to make sure he kept his family.

    The same woman who was upset he couldn’t see her that week because he realized I was onto him.

    It’s such a mindfuck

  • 1 Day after D day… STBXH said ..hey, and don’t take too long forgiving me, you know I have my needs !

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