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Woman Has D-Day After Reading Ex’s Wedding Announcement

So how many of you had startling discoveries of infidelity after the divorce? It’s not unheard of here at Chump Nation. But one poor woman, Nikyta Moreno, discovered she was cheated on when she read a wedding announcement in the New York Time’s ‘Vows’ section.

Moreno told her story to the New York Post.

“According to the (New York Times) article, the couple, Rob and Lauren, started their relationship in January 2017. It also said that he had never been married. That was news to me — because I was his wife in January 2017.”

You guys can fill in the rest. He was her best friend. Suddenly he grew distant. He needed “space.” After being married in a civil service in 2015, they were planning a big wedding in 2017… and then he wanted a divorce.

On Dec. 23, 2015, we married in a civil ceremony. But we also planned a big wedding for Aug. 12, 2017, in his hometown of Dallas. We put a deposit down on the venue, I bought my wedding gown, and my family booked flights from Trinidad and my native London. In December 2016, my mother, aunt and cousin flew from England to Dallas to meet his mother and look at the venue. On that trip, we chose our menu.

Three months later, things abruptly changed. We went to Texas for his friend’s wedding and to finalize our own wedding details. I could sense something was wrong. When we returned, he said he needed space. Worried that he was stressed about wedding planning or work, I said I would leave for a week to stay with a friend.

When I came back, he said he wanted a divorce. It was like a light switch turned off. He stopped communicating with me and refused to go to therapy. I wondered if he had a medical ­issue that had changed his personality.

No, Nikyta. He’s a fuckwit. It’s congenital.

In addition to the emotional hurt, I had shelled out a lot of money for the wedding, as had my family. My mother asked him why he didn’t call it off earlier. Why did he allow everyone to fly to Texas for Christmas and continue planning? He told her that, at the time, he didn’t know he felt the way he did. Now, thanks to his wedding announcement, I understand what changed in that small window. He had met another woman.

Even his family, whom I was close to, was gobsmacked about our breakup. He was my best friend, and my whole life was destroyed. But I knew something else was wrong. I suspected he had cheated on me, but when I confronted him about it, he never quite answered me.

Of course not. Let me guess, he never quite picked up the tab either.

The Heart Wants What the Heart Wants. Except consequences and messy clean-up expenses. Those are for chumps.

Let’s now turn our attention to Nikyta’s then-husband’s cute-meet with Schmoopie.

When Lauren Maillian joined the New York Sports Club in Harlem, her intention was to work out. Robert Palmer had the same desire.

In January 2017 that goal changed for both.

“I had seen Lauren around. She’s one of the few women who lifted weights and she was stunning,” said Mr. Palmer, 30, the owner of Be Exceptional Fitness, a fitness and wellness business.

Is this his line, really? Lauren, you’re special. You lift weights. At a gym. Unlike those other women who lift donuts. And come to fitness centers to buff their nails. WTF?

And Lauren felt the connection too. After two dates….

Things were going so well that Ms. Maillian suggested they take the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator, a personality test, on their phones.

“Out of 16 different personality profiles, both of us were ESTJ-A,” said Ms. Maillian. “I couldn’t believe we are both the executive mind-set. That reinforced a compatibility.”

Unlike wedding vows, which reinforce not much with Mr. Palmer. Hope that’s some really powerful ESTJ-A mojo.

Ms. Maillian was divorced with two children, Chloe, then 7, and Jayden, then 9. Mr. Palmer was five years younger than Ms. Maillian. Still, their connection was undeniable.

Still? New York Times would you EVER comment on a five-year age difference if the man was older? Wake up and smell the misogyny.

Oh and Lauren, wake up and realize you have a better job than Nikyta, a dancer. It’s not your muscles, it’s your paycheck. Your usefulness is undeniable.

“Being with Lauren and her children felt so natural and honest,” Mr. Palmer said. “You don’t realize how many layers there are to your soul until someone peels them back. I could trust her on everything.”

Palmer, you’ve only got one layer — it’s a mask. If anyone peels anything off you (eww), it’s just going to reveal a giant empty shaft where a soul should be.

And ICK triangulating her children into your “natural and honest” charade.

“I said I wouldn’t get married again, but Robert supports me in a way I’ve never felt supported before. He is everything I thought wasn’t possible,” Ms. Maillian said.

Lauren, he IS everything you thought wasn’t possible.

Enjoy the karma.

Ask Chump Lady

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  • Hahaha. They left out the information that he was married when they met.

    Correction: Aug. 11, 2020
    An earlier version of this article misstated the previous marital status of the groom, Robert Palmer. Mr. Palmer had previously been married.

    Horrible as I feel saying this, at least she isn’t bound to him for 18 years as a consequence. And I’m so sorry too.

    “That same month, I found out I was pregnant. He told me that he didn’t want the baby. In May, I miscarried — I believe it was because of the stress. I called from the hospital but he didn’t come. Nothing can compare to that hurt.

    After we broke up and sorted out our paperwork, we really didn’t speak again.

    I went to a lot of therapy and worked hard to heal. But when the story came out, it opened old wounds. Some of his family members even apologized to me.”

    Oh, and STUFF IT, Robert you lying sack of crap. It was mutual and amicable because YOU ARE A LIAR. May Lauren bronze your balls for lying to her and her kids too.

    “(Robert told The Post: “Nikyta and I were separated and both consented to a mutual and amicable divorce. This is all very surprising to me and I was unaware that there was ever an issue. I’m happy with my family and I wish Nikyta the best.”)”

      • I call bullshit on this. Normal practice for the NYT is to call and verify the information before printing. Unless standards have slipped since my wedding, someone would have contacted them (or possibly a member of their family) before publishing.

        I mean, the vows section doesn’t do a lot of fact-checking – they basically just take the word of the people involved – but the NYT doesn’t just *guess* about these things.

        • Yeah, I’m sorry but there’s been plenty of occurrences of media not following protocol or ethical standards that were taught in the profession long ago. The current state of “journalism” is absolute trash (speaking as someone who has worked in the profession). It’s pretty wild how often a publication will run with a story without actual verifying or even calling another person to offer a rebuttal (something that should always happen).

          Not saying this is what occurred because I don’t trust cheaters whatsoever, obviously. I’m just saying the profession is honestly a dumpster fire right right now.

          • I suspect that there have been a lot of budget cuts and things like verifying wedding announcements are not high priority.

      • Also, re NYTimes, I agree with CL that word “still” screams misogyny.

        “Mr. Palmer was five years younger than Ms. Maillian. Still, their connection was undeniable.”

        Never would this observation be made if the man were 5 years older. It makes my blood boil.

        • I don’t even understand that portion at all regardless of gender. That’s not a big age difference at all. I don’t know who wrote the article and if this is them offering their own words or simply paraphrasing a quote of one of the subjects (very common)by putting it into the author’s words.

  • I want to know if he told HER that he had never been married before.

    If yes, then why did she allow them to print that?

    If no….well, we know how this story will end.

      • She knew, probably from the get go and it may have been part of the attraction.

        When I was really young and single, a wedding ring was like an invisibility cloak. Married men simply did not exist in the realm of romantic attachment. Married men did not seem more attractive because they’d been “pre-screened” as worthy and good commitment material by someone else which seems to be the evolutionary scientist’s take on why taken status is so appealing to some. If they seemed like great husbands, that might be admirable in the abstract. But the second they showed any hint of straying and being not-such-great-husbands, they’re like lobsters dipped in dog shit. I would never eat lobster though I could appreciate that some people like seafood. After being dipped in shit, they don’t seem like they should be appealing even to a seafood fanatic.

        I don’t get this breed of people for whom stealing ascribes greater value to the thing stolen. If it’s poachable, it wasn’t worth the effort.

        • Hell,
          What bugs me is that they don’t see it as stealing. They don’t see it as poaching. They think they did not make any promises to the spouse of the object of their affection so it’s not on them. So many people think the other woman or other man should not be blamed at all and that really bugs me.
          Then there’s the blah blah crap about if he was happy if he was in a good relationship, he wouldn’t be here interested in me the innocent OW.
          They also selfishly buy into the story that this love was destined by the stars, or it was love at first sight, or this is my soulmate and it can’t be denied. They believe it when the cheater diminishes his current union and makes sad sausage excuses for his unhappiness.
          Society gives a big pass to OW and OM and that sucks big time.
          In film, they are often perceived as the ones with the tragic short end of the stick in the relationship. They chose it, we chumps did not.

        • It’s pretty wild how many women want to destroy someone else’s relationship or covet married men (lots of men don’t seem to give a shit either). For instance, my ex wife, broke up our family and was a willing side piece for a guy who had a girlfriend and this went on for months til the girlfriend finally dumped him.

          You are a giant piece of shit if you cheat on a spouse and you’re equally a giant piece of shit for contributing to break up someone else’s marriage and family. It seems to be common where the one who helped wreck a family thinks that the other person would never do it to them because they’re “special.” Yeah, let’s see how long you are special and what it’s like with real life stressors.

          • Thank You! I agree with She sucks as a Human and Zip wholeheartedly 100000%! Thank you so much for stating how you feel. It is very healing to me!

            In my situation, the OW full well knew about me. In trickle truths from my ex, I learned that she and him were fuck buddies before he met me. She of course was his ugly ho-worker. Unprofessional mutch? Well fuckbuddy ho-worker “just friends” OW also happened to be the same cunt who broke up his last 8 year relationship. His ex girlfriend before me, had had enough of him talking about his “just friends” co-worker. And dumped him. Of course he told everyone that his ex gf was “too jealous”. Now I understand what really happened… Because this OW ho-worker cunt, also wedged her way between he and I. She has always been single 50 year old with a sister dying of cancer (victim needing a good guy rescuer) and since my ex had a brother who had died of sickness and then a drunk driver, they certainly had something to bond (I mean fuck secretively) over. I fully blame her too because she knew all about me. I caught them texting each other every day after hours while I was doing dialysis, 2 years into our solid live in relationship, and I called her ass up with his phone, and said stop all contact with my boyfriend immediately, this is unprofessional! Next time I find out you are acting unprofessionally with my boyfriend, you can have him! He is all yours. And thats what eventually did happen. 2 more years invested, my family with him, my safety, my health my future, all became shit. Because I caught him lying to me and she was still calling him and they had done a lot more. (of course). I took a bag and left that night. Fuck both of them. I would rather live in hell with my psycho mother, than to be constantly lied too and betrayed! He continued to sweep everything under the rug and say Margaret and I grew apart. What bullshit. I didn’t know we were growing apart!! He was having an affair and lying to me about everything. And as far as the OW. I truly believe that she is the type that is sadistic and intentionally enjoys ruining good healthy happy relationships, just to see if she can. It is a power trip for her. I know that she got married to some random guy just to have kids for herself. Ugly psycho bitch. They can have each other. I deserve honesty, loyalty, and respect. It is not that hard. Oh and he is Mr. Good guy to the sailing community. What a joke. I did publicly set that record strait on FB and tell everyone who he really is, and who he had been fucking at his office the last 2-4 years of our relationship. (I will never know the entire truth, as he refuses to talk. His whole personality changed after he got caught, he started lying more and denying more, even PROTECTING HER! WTF?) My therapist says, that he not talking to me about his affair, is just another form of abuse because it delays my healing. I begged for the truth so I can move on and heal. Nope, he wasn’t going to tell me everything and of course he refused therapy. I did really love this person, and I thought we had a great relationship. Boy was I wrong when I found a flight ticket to France with her name on it! A trip I was supposed to go on with our sailing friends, but I couldn’t because I am on dialysis… I even got a call for a kidney transplant (my fist call ever) while those two were enjoying the sights of France together. Big eye roll. I would have gone through a major life saving operation alone, while he was fucking his office whore in France. She knew about me and accepted a trip to France with my boyfriend! WTF. I pray I get to see karma work her magic. His loss because I amuser awesome, sweet and cool. His ego and both their entitlement, is more important than my life. Our 4 years together meant nothing. Fuck them both.

            • I begged for the truth
              – The truth is he’s a selfish, horrible person, with another selfish, horrible person and you were unlucky to connect with such scum. Neither of them deserve any more space in your brain.

  • Nikyta,

    I wish you the best. Yes, your heartbreak is splashed across the NYT, but he was found out and you are free of him.

    While you are hurting now, your Tuesday will come. Love and hugs to you!

  • I’m still new at this, so it’s hard for me to stay strong reading this story… I feel like it’s exactly every chump’s worst nightmare until we reach “meh”: that the fuckwits really met someone they can love, finally. The sadness we feel from that not being us. The incessant questioning: why wasn’t that us? Why didn’t we deserve that level of effort and honesty and love and everything else we imagine they now have? We wanted it so much!

    I personally still don’t know how to tell myself that it is what it is. That there was nothing wrong with me and my attempts, my love and care, my commitment… And everything wrong with theirs.

    So I keep reminding myself that someone who is truly committed doesn’t have it in them to look for love elsewhere. They know it’s here, same way as I do. If there’s anything missing, they speak and try to fix it, like I would. And if it’s not fixable, they leave -before- looking for someone new.

    But to look for better while committed to someone… To believe in that sort of “better” fairytale, to leave the door open to meeting an “effortless” partner… To expect there’s “better than your Chump” out there and that you “deserve” it…

    I just have to remind myself that it’s dehumanizing, minimizing of my life and offerings. That it’s extremely disrespectful. And I remind myself that I don’t want someone that immature as a life partner anyway.

    Now that I know that about who they are, I wouldn’t get into it under any circumstances. I want a real partner. Summertime in a relationship with ME, not with themselves through me. (And, once again, fuck Ms Perel).

    It’s unfair, and hurtful. It’s hard to digest that we love(d) someone that wasn’t really there; an idea of a caring person we saw in these fuckwits that they’re just not capable of.

    So I just repeat to myself I don’t want what I know now and they can go be irresponsible assholes elsewhere, with other people like themselves.

    • It is so very hard… Trust that they really do suck… They are involved in a fantasy and are looking for something in someone else that they cannot genuinely have because of who they are inside of themselves… They will not be happy with anyone, always looking for an upgrade… Always open to the possibilities of some new ‘love’… Except it’s never going to be real love because they are incapable of it…

      Trust that you will heal, and you will feel better… It’s hard to see that at the beginning, but over time you will see that you have been set free from a nightmare…

      • Maddie, That is so true. My ex ended up leaving the ow. He is not capable of real love. It takes time to stop thinking about the whys and wherefores. One day you will only think about your ex occasionally. We can gain a new happy life though I think the experience leaves a scar for life.

    • He didn’t “find someone he could love, finally.” He found someone who could be of more use. When we are tempted to castigate ourselves in this way, we need to remind ourselves of this fact.

    • Wonderful people don’t screw around with married people, and wonderful married people don’t screw around.

      Shiny outsides don’t compensate for rotten insides, missing character, or broken moral compasses.

      Like assault, murder, theft, rape, cheating is about the cheater and has ZERO to do with the victim.

      Cheating is the most bulletproof evidence there is that the cheater is incapable of love.

      • “Shiny outsides don’t compensate for rotten insides, missing character, or broken moral compasses“

        Thank you- I am saving this as I’m struggling with my super fake ex narc and his ability to fool everyone.

        • Jo–

          Your ex is a walking “hubris measuring stick” or IQ test now. He will never again be as young, seemingly clean-slated and cute as when you met him. Who he is is now written on him in some form or other even if it’s just the placement of the creases between his eyebrows and something a little glib in his manner. People with clean slates have radars and seasoned serial cheats will set them off. If someone chooses not to peak beyond that curtain, it will be more of a biblical irony than a biblical tragedy when he eventually shows his ass.

          If he were to meet anyone worthwhile and twisted himself into a pretzel to lie about his past and play the hero, a worthwhile person would still freak out upon learning how he blew up his marriage.

          That’s something chumps have that cheaters never will– the fact that anyone really worth anything would side with the chump on learning the truth. The rest are just reaping consequences. I can’t imagine what it’s like living with the truth as one’s mortal enemy.

    • He’s a gym trainer who gets his new strange at the gym – he’ll be finding a new bang buddy every few months and a new Meyer-Briggs soulmate every few years.

      • There are only 16 distinct Meyers-Briggs types, so he’ll find a new candidate soulmate a lot more frequently than that. With a public-facing job he probably crosses paths with 16 new people in a matter of days. He could be meeting multiple new soulmates every week!

        • I’m an ENFJ. And would need much more than a Meyers-Briggs result to decide on a partner. I unwittingly (dimwittingly?) married an Epsilon Semi Moron and if I ever date again I want to avoid that if humanly possible.

        • True, but we gotta narrow it down to female and willing to fall for his bullshit, and remember that it takes him a few years to extract maximum benefits out of his current victim and get bored enough to look for a new one.

          That being said, at least his being Internet Famous means that the women will have fair warning ahead of time, so his new victims will all be willing volunteers.

    • EPEC – I hear you, but I just have to say, no lasting partnership is “effortless.” And that was exactly my STBX’s problem: she couldn’t sit in discomfort for any length of time. Chumps put in the real effort; fuckwits don’t. So the point is, IF we want to date again (for me, that won’t be for a while yet), we just have to try to look for someone who will put in the same real effort. Not just when things are new and shiny, but when the going gets tough, too.

      Since I’m certainly older now than I was when I met STBX, and have some health issues, I would imagine I would get to that testing place in any new relationship fairly quickly next time around – much more quickly than people tend to do in their 20’s. All best to you!

    • I’ve said it before for my exit-affair situation, but I think that it may apply for many chumps, including Nikyta: The only way these adulterous/cheating fuckwits could have hurt us more would have been for them to murder us (literally stabbing us in the back works best for me, w/insurance money or something else important to them to gain).That’s one of the silver linings I took away from my marriage debacle. It could have been worse.

      So Nikyta, I really think you dodged a worse fate w/this wasband of yours. You could have spent many more years (like I and many others here did) thinking you had a spouse/partner that had your back, or at least would have been up front w/you if they were thinking of leaving the relationship (without cheating on you). I hope I’m right in thinking you had no kids w/the fuckwit. Many of us did.

      It can sound cruel on its own, but I’d recommend focusing on the brighter side of things (I’ve only mentioned two possible ways of that. There’s many more if you look at things from a better perspective). It can ALWAYS be worse. It sucks and it’s not fair, but I think that is a truth to life that I only fully embraced after my shitstorm happened. And believe it or not, it’s made a world of difference to me going forward. I sincerely hope it does for you, if you choose to embrace it.

      Best wishes for you on your journey ahead, Nikyta. Sending you lots of love, hope and empathy. You’ll get to meh and Tuesday, I have no doubt. Be safe, and stay healthy. We’re always here if you need us.

        • You will! There is no where else to go but UP after you hit rock bottom. That has gotten me thru so many rough times! xo love and mightiness to you

      • Longrun – you completely nailed it. That is exactly how I have described post d-day. “The person who I believed always had my back stabbed me in the back”, and “he was the only person on earth who could have inflicted this much pain on me because he was the person I loved most in this world”. 13 year marriage just tossed aside.

        But agree that the positives are starting to resonate in my life – giving more time and love to the people who really had my back, the family and friends to picked me up of of the floor every day for 6 mos.

        • Learning this too now. He kept saying it wasn’t about me. But it was. Sharing my graphic photos, shit talking me to unhinged lunatics, even my full face and body just standing there. Very creepy. And all the hiding. One night he slipped me a roofy and took advantage of me in a near unconscious state. Sociopath grade A.

          Oh and lots of std lab tests I found out. And Craigslist ads and bathroom gay sec. I call it toilet sex. God. GROSS

      • >>The only way these adulterous/cheating fuckwits could have hurt us more would have been for them to murder us<>>>>>>>>QUOTE<<<<<<<<<<<
        When real physical violence (sometimes culminating in murder) is added to the subterranean violence we’ve described (blackmail, intimidation, veiled threats), it represents a derailment of the abuser’s plans because he would prefer to kill indirectly or, more precisely, induce the other to kill herself.

        • Above is a quote from the book “Stalking the Soul”, about vindictive narcissists. My comment got destroyed. Only the book quote, and my quote from thelongrun were preserved. My point was that a chump can see themselves as victorious if they get away. Even getting murdered is a defeat for the narcissist (hard as that is to believe). The abuser is driven to get their victim to murder their own soul. The textbook example is what Iago did to Othello in Shakespears play. If we don’t destroy ourselves, we’ve won. In the play, once his power lies were exposed, Iago dies silent. Never any closure. Until the end, Iago is loyal to his sense of superiority to mortal weakness of feeling.

      • Yes. When your H is revealing your life’s details and plotting to emotionally destroy you with gaslighting, scheming, financial abuse, having sex with married howorker & then having sex with you, I feel lucky to have escaped him especially given that my life insurance policy is larger than his. Since he’s got some narc & sociopathic tendencies, and if he paired up with the right kind of crazy OW, I might have been sleeping with the fishes.

    • Fuckwits “love” each of us…until ONE DAY they just don’t. And such it is with “fuckwit love”.

      Don’t take it personally. It could have just as easily been asparagus.

    • Spec, I am so sorry you are a member of this club. As much as you think so now, he does not have a better life. He is self absorbed, unkind, a..hole who used your generous spirit, love and kindness to prop himself up. He does not deserve you. This action of betrayal is as low, absent murder, as anyone can go. It reflects his character which is shit And he is on a downward spiral of his own making. I hope you are no contact and filing for divorce. This hurts like hell and gets better. Soldier on to get yourself free. Huge hugs!!!!

      • It’s a shock to discover that there are these kind of disordered people in the world.

        There is no “good person” deep down inside.
        Once I truly understood this, in spite of all my previous conditioning to the contrary, life began to make a lot more sense and I am no longer a feckless participant in the games of these fuckwits.

        Life without a fuckwit is good.

    • EPEC, take a moment to consider the lies and gravity of the deception it takes to cheat. They both know what the other is capable of going forward.

      I was taunted, harassed and stalked by this lovely slut. He left messages stating he loved me from her house. She read his texts and was fully aware of my pain.

      Look what they have, a coconspirator who is their mirror image. That’s not love. Forever they will winder if the other is cheating.

  • Wow – the same Myer Briggs type, how romantic!!!! Wait till she realises that they matched on every measure because he is a narcissist and was mirroring her and showing her exactly what she wanted to see…

      • Yes, that’s what I suspected, too. My ex took a few personality tests over the years. His answers were always for the person he admired most at the time or the person he was with. I thought it was weird because he would tell me results that I KNEW did not describe him.

  • I saw this posted in the group recently. For any who don’t know, Chump Lady has an awesome group on FB. People create their own reality and live in it. They can’t change the fact that just because they call it real and true, doesn’t mean that it is real or true.

    In my marriage my husband had a secret life that involved hours daily of porn and it morphed into him having online affairs with multiple women. I don’t know if he dipped his wick in his physical life, but that online profile was enough to flick that switch in me that said, “ENOUGH.”

    I am not done with the divorce, but I am done with him. Thank God for that switch that allows us to cast off the unfaithful spouse and move forward. Thank God.

    • Porn has an insidious effect on the mind of those who become addicted to it. It is similar to the way alcohol draws in an alcoholic, and then controls the life of the alcoholic, or the drugs that control a drug addict. It is hard to understand the addiction if you do not have it. I can have a drink, or two in some situations, and know it is time to stop, and still live my life and do my work. An alcoholic cannot stop at one or two. The addiction controls them, and they need more. It takes a tremendous amount of work, and corrective action to overcome an addiction. An addiction can ruin lives, and it can have generational consequences. No matter what the addict is addicted to, there are dire consequences. If an addict chooses to recover, it is difficult. The addiction is like an allergy, it can be treated but not cured.

      The behavior and lies that are necessary for the addict to continue getting the “fix” are counter productive to any relationship between the addict and someone who is not addicted. It is a problem within the addict, and has nothing to do with a deficiency on the other person. Except, sometimes, the other person enables the addict’s behaviors, and that opens many other problems and issues. The best thing the non-addict can do is commit to a course of action that does not enable, and that allows them to live their life without trying to solve the addict’s problems.

      Sometimes this means the end to any relationship. This is really hard anytime, and even harder in a family. It is hard to walk away from the relationship you thought you had, but if maintaining the relationship means you have to accept lies and cheating, and theft, my guess is you did not have the relationship you wanted anyway.

      Just be glad you found out about the addiction, and took corrective action. Life is better when you don’t live with the lies and other damaging behaviors. Time, and clarity of vision is very healing.

      • Alcoholics can and do stop at one or two drinks. I was one. That’s where I was at in 1985 at 22 when I got into recovery. I was in early stage alcoholism….stop at one or two, leave drinks half finished, stop drinking altogether. But I didn’t stay stopped…..

        Fortunately for me, I had a therapist who was in recovery and she was the one who told me that it’s not when, what, or how much you drink that determines if you’re an alcoholic (which is what most of the world thinks). It’s what happens when you drink. We also say that normal people don’t count drinks.

        I explain to children that it’s like a peanut allergy….you have the allergy even if you don’t eat peanuts, that it doesn’t have anything to do with how many peanuts you eat. Most kids today understand peanut allergies so it’s a good way to describe it.

        Off topic I know, but I am obligated to speak up when an alcoholism myth crosses my path.
        If I was focusing on my drink numbers I would never have gotten into recovery when I did and I’d most likely have died a long time ago.

        ❤️

        • PS…in case someone here today needs help…

          At 22 I was an alcoholic and at that time….

          I could stop at one drink.
          I could stop at two.
          I could walk away from an unfinished drink.
          Sometimes I could not stop drinking
          (one company brunch and trays of champagne come to mind)
          Sometimes I stopped for months.
          I hated the taste of alcohol.
          I hated being drunk.
          I didn’t like drinking.
          A visitor left wine coolers in my refrigerator. I thought they were gross. They were in my fridge a long time unopened before I threw them away.
          I went to clubs and drank Perrier (while stepping out for cocaine….WTF?!!!)

          I HAD A BLACKOUT AT 16. BINGO.
          Blackouts are the hallmark of alcoholism like tumors are of cancer.

          I could not predict what would happen after I picked up the first drink.

          On 8/15/20 I celebrated 34 years of recovery and continuous sobriety. I have been in Al Anon and ACA and CoDa since then as well.

          End of PSA.

          Back to Chump Lady.

          PS….if you need help, contact me. I am there for you. Cheating and alcoholism/addiction are often companions.

          • You are a good person, VH. I’m glad to “know” you.

            Ex checked a lot of boxes and was probably an alcoholic. Also a porn “addict” and obviously, a serial cheater. Given that his Owife is a known drug addict (probably because of her former career as a stripper – honestly I’d have to do drugs too to do what she did), who racked up felony charges for possession while living with him, I wouldn’t be surprised if he was using drugs too. Which addiction was cause and which was affect? No idea. Thankfully not my circus anymore.

            • The rule of thumb (an expression coined to describe the width of the stick men were once legally allowed to beat their wives with) for domestic abusers is that they imbibe in order to abuse, not the other way around. I think it’s the same for cheaters.

              The fact that the medical establishment once insisted that the demon whisky caused domestic violence was what led Carrie Nation to lead the movement for prohibition. Nation was originally an anti-DV activist. She gets mocked for the travesty but it should really be the doctors of that era who get the credit for spinning that apologia.

              Not all substance addicts abuse partners and not all abusers use substances. I think the need to betray and abuse comes first.

          • When you say cheating and addiction go hand in hand, do you mean for the cheaters or the chumps? I remember getting blackout drunk one Valentine’s Day because Nitwit refused to buy me anything or do anything special for me. Valentine’s Day fell on a Wednesday that year, but I didn’t have work until the afternoon, so I was able to get rid of my hangover before driving to work. Meanwhile Nitwit wasn’t addicted to anything except video games. I realize I come off as the irresponsible one there, but it was one night. I have given up all alcohol since the beginning of April, before I moved out or filed for divorce, because of COVID and I don’t miss it. So I disagree that a few isolated blackouts over the course of a lifetime necessarily make you an alcoholic.

              • Malt Duck! Remember that swill VH? Mogan David 20/20 (we called that Mad dog).
                Aged on the truck.

                Alcoholics eventually loose their freedom of choice. Two drinks was my appetizer- more like a pint of to get start.

                Once I went over a threshold of somewhere around 6-7 Oz of alcohol I was drinking for oblivion.
                Blackout drinking accelerated and became more frequent.

                Blackouts were scary AF too.
                The next morning or afternoon or night even…when someone says,
                “Do you remember what you did last night”!?
                My stomach would curl with the embarrassing revelations that came after. That is, if I didn’t wake up in an orange jumpsuit in an Arkansas copshop.

                I’m a professional drunk! VH is my senior technically as my sobriety date was 6/21/1994. But for us, it depends on who got up earlier this morning. We get a daily reprieve.

                1 in 11 survival rate overall for true alkies. I’m one of the lucky ones.
                After a fifth of Jack Daniels I’d sleep with a zebra. You’d be surprised at how low a man can get. Our options are jails, institutions or death. Or sobriety.

                I was married and sober for 26 years across two wives with 2 divorces. My shelf life for wives with my fucked up picker is apparently 13 years. I don’t believe I’ve got another 13 left but 3rd times a charm. Ya never know.

              • Thanks for the correction! Who says you can’t teach an old dog new tricks? All I know about alcoholism I learned in my late 20’s, a long time ago. I did not attend any official meetings, I was given information by therapists at that time.

                I had heard thru family whispers of my paternal grandfather’s exploits, and other family tales from my father’s side of the family. I was told by a therapist my father was a dry drunk — news to me. I had rarely seen him take a drink. I did not know about the behaviors, or the genetic connection until then. My son’s father was identified as a functioning alcoholic by this same therapist. More news for me, although I always thought he drank too much. I had some vague notion of alcoholism like an old wino sleeping in the gutter. Nothing more specific. What I learned back then was all I needed to know at the time, the alcohol was one of several addictive behaviors my spouse had. The next spouse also drank, but avoided hard alcohol, and at some point quit drinking, at least in front of me. I worried for my siblings, and my sons about the genetic connection. I read a disturbing book about the adult children of alcoholics, which made me have concerns for myself, although not about alcohol. I never could drink very much, it just doesn’t sit well with my system, and so I don’t, but I do like a little wine, and every now and then something else, but one, or two at the most, because of my concerns. I have never experienced a black out.

                Both spouses used porn. The last one I am sure was an addict. True to my nature, I studied about it until I had all I needed to know. It was hard for me to understand an addiction that was not tied to a substance, a chemical of some type, but I suppose it is chemicals released into the brain and body by certain behaviors. If I had to vote, for me the worst addiction was the porn, because it is so degrading and hurtful to the “objects” of the so called desire. It removes any tenderness or closeness felt by intimacy I may have had at one time for the men I married. I believe that my brain was further clouded by the sexual relationship I had with these men, and that, along with FOO and cultural misconceptions kept me in a state of wedded misery for much longer than I would have been if I had been thinking clearly.

                I was raised by an enabler to be an enabler. I always thought of my mother and myself as being strong, and tough. Turns out we were being overly tough on ourselves. I go out of my way not to enable anyone anymore. If I catch myself considering trying to solve someone else’s problem, I get out immediately.

                Life is a series of learning opportunities. I am retired now, and my children are grown, but I am still learning. My poor choices in my past tend to make me more cautious now, and trust must be earned, not freely given out by me anymore. I contribute here because I think I may be able to help some other folks avoid some mistakes I made by sharing my experience. Thanks for sharing your experience, and spreading some enlightenment.

              • Totally agree Velvet. My story is similar to yours. Sobered up at 21. Have 46 years in now. And I can attest to what you are saying. Sobered up when married to fuckwit number one, and divorced him. Darned if I didn’t go marry another. I hadn’t fixed my picker yet!….. it’s fixed now.

      • My STBXH was a alcoholic and a porn/sex addict. The two were intertwined. I only knew about the alcohol and he too could stop after one or two. He could drink responsibly most of the time and binge once in a while. He would mention “black outs” once or twice….that was the first time he cheated and had admitted it. He was completely remorseful and did whatever it took to be a partner. It was a one night stand and he was blackout drunk. Afterwards we got married. 21 years later found out About the porn/sex addiction. I thought it was alcohol and depression….I had no idea about the other. He chose to be sober from alcohol but not go into recovery about the other. Not one that would’ve helped us both heal. Either way, he is not in a recovery program.

        • Jen G– It’s too bad there’s no such thing as assaholics anonymous.

          A group of researchers described narcissism as an addiction to esteem. I’m not sure if I buy the idea that porn is a genuine addiction nor that the need to abuse and betray is an addiction but both seem to hinge on getting off on power over others.

          I forget the various arguments about abuse of power and its relationship to porn but it’s a compelling view. It’s also an argument that enjoyment of others’ debasement and suffering play a role. I think it’s obvious that “vibe” emanates from hardcore. A pretty large percentage of porn performers are dead from suicide, murder and overdose before their videos even stream. Porn is one of the richest industries in the world but being made “legit” or mainstream hasn’t made it less of an abusive mafia. Most porn performers don’t speak out about the abuse they endured until they age out of the profession at which point many female performers describe how most shoots are, in fact, acts of rape since the performers typically have no idea what they’re going to be commanded to do or have done to them or how many other performers will be doing things to them until they show up on the set. If they say no, they don’t work again.

          Like blood diamonds or investing in Krugerands during Apartheid, people with integrity don’t support industries like that but people who lack empathy and get off on power do. Is that an addiction? To take the argument to logical extremes, were Hitler and Pol Pot power addicts or something else?

  • Undeniably painful on all accounts, yet in the long run, Nikyta has unknowingly dodged a narc bullet. I hope she finds meh and goes on to have a fantastic narc free life 🙂

    A half-assed marriage counselor once suggested we take the Myers-Briggs test. He was delighted (!) that we “matched” save for extroverted (him) and introverted (me). Obviously it is not the best indicator of NPD.

  • Well, now. He looks like the dirtbag he was all along and has to answer to everyone. She’s brave for doing the interview and what a great way to expose his lying, cheating, uncaring selfish ass. I hope she’s enjoying it.

  • I saw this, thought, she doesn’t know the play book. The total, love bombing, gaslighting, image management. It is very painful, but who wants to have a POS, as a life partner. She won, when she lost, the pick me dance.

    • Plus she doesn’t have to deal with whatever gyrations he goes through every morning to manage that man bun. Sort of like of shoe lifts for short men except on the head.

  • She describes herself as “dope” on her Facebook page. She wears a necklace that says as much, and comments that she wears the necklace “to remind her daily”.

    She also now has a matching husband “to remind her daily”.

  • No offense to anyone taking that test but it’s my understanding it’s not even scientific. It’s supposed to tell you what your personality is. Well, we can tell what his personality is. That’s the first ridiculously silly thing said and the next is that they peeled things back. It kind of reminds me of a sunburn and then you peel. You know, kind of like that.
    What has happened to the New York Times? This is the third or fourth time they’ve taken out the steamroller and run over some horrified ex wife or husband in their stampede to get folks to read their paper.
    I don’t give a rats ass about anybody getting married and being written up in the New York Times. Ain’t my circus, ain’t my monkeys. But when they do get written up the least they can do is show a little mercy. I think the world has become so damn narcissistic we don’t even recognize decency anymore.

    • Let alone accurate journalistc reporting. It’s like listing the wong people as someone’s family in an obit.

    • This test is not perfect, but is a fairly accurate indicator for certain personality types, if the person who is taking the test provides genuine answers. Questions are asked in different ways, to discern the way that person thinks and acts. It has many uses, and one of them is to find a way for two people with different personality types to be able to work with each other and communicate.

      As an example, an introvert and extrovert have a different way of looking at the world, but it does not mean they cannot work together. If they understand the other’s way of thinking, it is possible to communicate and seek a mutually beneficial solution. The results are meant to increase communication and understanding, not to find a “twu luv” partner exactly like you.

      We may desire perfection. Perhaps we should desire a way to live successfully with imperfection.

      • Agree! I’m sure that he and his chump had plenty in common, she decsribed them as best friends. His family liked her so much they apologized to her – so its hard to blindly believe the common bullshit reason of ‘oh, they weren’t a good fit’.

        One thing I have internalized from this blog, its all goes back to CHARACTER and entitlement. I’m starting to see this in my STBX as I get continue to process and get further away from D-Day.

        • I’m years out from dday & divorce but my standard reply (thanks to CL) whenever I run into someone who doesn’t know we divorced: “He had a shitty character & a huge sense of entitlement.” Good people know what that means.

        • The entitlement is absolutely a key factor in a cheater. My ex wife was the Queen of Entitlement. She was entitled to never feel unhappy. She was entitled to never have to work a job she didn’t like. She was entitled to get everything without doing any work herself. She was entitled to not have any expectations of her. She was entitled to have an affair. She was entitled by thinking I should be there waiting for her every time her AP dumped her and she was entitled to (wr)reconciliation after cheating. She was entitled to alimony and child support despite having custody the same amount of time (50/50) and now making more money (from a business that I funded for her on my own-her exit strategy).

          These people never self reflect. They are a wrecking ball.

  • Looks like the wedding was in the “mini-vows” section this August. The title “Between reps at the Gym, a strong connection”. #happilyeverafter #beexceptional.
    People are awful

    • Yup. She was married to one of the Nederlander (NY theater) family members. Then a BBD came along so husband number one was promptly dumped. I found it despicable at the time.

  • Does the NYT also post divorces? Should we take bets on when Robert’s new marriage will implode? Especially after Chump Lauren reads about his first marriage and that he STRAIGHT UP WALKED AWAY FROM A CHILD. Here’s hoping Lauren has already called her lawyers and that she has a solid prenup in place.

    • Robert and Lauren meet in January, he moved into her “townhouse” in May. She knew this guy for only FOUR MONTHS (!!) when she made the choice to let him live in her home. The home where her young children live. Poor judgement on her part even if Robert is a great guy. Four months is not enough time to really know someone well enough to install them in your children’s home and life. The whole scenario reminds me of a Dirty John playbook. Four months of love bombing and mirroring, future faking using the children as props and bingo, he’s living in a swanky NY townhouse, one year later he’s married to her bank account. Nikyta, you are better off without him.

      • Yeah, you’ll notice it was the Chump’s money that was paying for the wedding – not his. If he hadn’t found a better upgrade before the wedding he’d have leeched off her for a few more years, gotten his name on all her title deeds, and walked away with far more in the divorce.

        Bullet dodged.

      • Note that pattern–he locked eyes with Nikyta in the summer and they were married before Christmas. This is a big-time love bomber.

        My guess is he has a thing for women with a place to live.

      • Her website shows she’s done well for herself biz wise so he could definitely be Dirty John motivated. Hope she made him sign a prenup!

  • (music by Robert Palmer the Singer, lyrics by Robert Palmer the Douchebag)

    I let her buy a wedding gown
    Our wedding planned for Dallas town
    Nikyta never doubted me
    The New York Times has outed me

    Well I started to shift, when I spotted her lifts
    Lauren roused my dick, then the discard was swift
    I can’t be held to account for my behavior
    Simply inexplicable, Simply inexplicable

    The wedding plans just slipped my mind
    In lieu of Lauren’s fine behind
    We’re each an E-S-T-J-A
    Connection via resume

    Now I’m living the dream, there’s no need to redeem
    She’s a big upgrade, cuz her paycheck’s extreme
    I can’t be held to account for my behavior
    Simply inexplicable, Simply inexplicable

    Simply inexplicable (I’m so fine, there’s no tellin’ when I’ll stray again)
    Simply inexplicable (I’m so fine, I deserve it all and more)

  • “Being with Lauren and her children felt so natural and honest”…
    I’ve decided that lying to my then wife and fucking her and her family over doesn’t count because this one is REAL. I’m being honest…now.

    “I wanted the kids to know I wasn’t half in and half out. They showed me so much love. I wanted to commit my life to them and her,”
    I had to take extra steps to PROVE that I’m not really a liar and cheater who lies and cheats. I WANTED to commit…we’ll see how it goes.

    I so hope the fuckwits get wind of this blog.

  • Unfortunately there is no Karma for these people

    They go through life like their previous spouse simply didn’t exist .

    They just get a new life , new spouse , new everything just like that .

    • They are the karma. New is worthless if the insides are broken.

      A man or woman lies is not a prize.

      ❤️

    • When I was a kid, my dad made the point that there was nothing more disappointing that a hollow chocolate Easter bunny. He always got the solid ones.

      Lauren got a hollow bunny. Nikyta has a shot at the solid one, if she fixed her picker.

    • Their lack of self awareness or ability to accept fault and responsibility may not seen like karma but like VH said, them being them is the karma.

  • Wow, CL, this is spot on. I like that you noticed the NYT misogyny with the age difference. And the emptiness where a soul should be? Yep. I married and divorced a hologram, not a person.

  • That wedding announcement was the epitome of (cringeworthy) image management, but I’m pleased that he’s finally getting the publicity that he truly deserves.

    The current wife, regardless of what she knew, is in for more surprises from her prize. He’ll continue to develop those “undeniable connections” at the gym, while she pays the bills.

  • I admire her being so brave to tell her story and not let his narrative be what people remember. I knew my EX had cheated, found an email on D-day but I will never forget the trickle truth during the divorce that ended with my reading his new wedding announcement right after the divorce and he was marrying a different woman than OW (younger). We were granted an emergency divorce when things got violent because it did not go as he had hope.

    In the announcement he talked about being so lonely in 2014 in a new town (I was home trying to sell the house for his new job re location at the time) and meeting his soul mate online. Well guess what I filed divorce in 2015, so he was not single and available to date online (POF) in 2014. He posted this with pictures of his extended family and her kids and family and our two sons were never mentioned. I do not think most of his new friends even knew he had kids. Lucky for me he was also seeing a woman at his old job and I found those emails before I sold the house and moved. Later he told me his plan had been to sell the house then tell me so he could take the kids because I would have been a stay at home mother with no income no home and cancer.

    His greatest wish was to leaving me homeless , childless, car-less (sold my car earlier and leased me one for one year, promised me one in the new town) and penniless in bad health. He was hoping I would move in with my parents and die.

    I really do believe no snooping and no contact is the way to go, but I was so glad I got to see how much he really hated me and how little he loved our children so I could no longer grieve what was never there in 20 years of marriage. All I ever got was sloppy seconds with the affair of the month getting the best of him for short periods of time (yes I know, not saying much). I deserve better and have moved on to a better life with my great sons and dogs. Not ready to date yet, but content.

      • Shintoga, Thank you for asking. Yes it has been 5 years and I have been cancer free for 2. I am blessed with two wonderful sons, 3 dogs (he wanted me to get rid of them during discard), our home, a newish car and a job that has continued even thru the virus. I feel that the email saved my life, I feel it was a gift that I found it. My story shows many blessings the hard part was getting past the pain and grief to see them (took years). The boys and I still have bad days but the good are around more these days.

    • OK, aside from the story of our dear Tessie’s murderous XH, your XH is the biggest pile of excrement in human form I’ve ever heard of on the board. and there’s some really really big competition.

    • He wanted to take your home and your children while you were carless and in bad health? I truly believe there is a special circle in Hell for people like your ex. Glad you are over that POS and living the good single life.

  • My ex husband took the DISC assessment for work as he was very interested in leadership potential as narcy him was tired of being a doctor and seeing patients. Anyhow he told me his results came back as equal in all 4 categories which was highly unusual. We were very much into the Divergent books and movies with tween-aged kiddos so I called him ‘Divergent’. He was never promoted to any leadership positions and was passed over my more junior physicians and was super ticked off like the true victim he always personified. Now I think he was doing what he always does, trying to be whoever he thinks he needs to be to get what he thinks he wants at the time. Bwahahahah–it’s a young ho right now. I’m in leadership position now that I didn’t seek out but was begged to do and I see his name on the ‘not pulling his weight and at risk for pay cut’ lists these days.

  • Married 28 years when he said he wanted a divorce and moved out. He got a new place and gave S20 a key, who used it. Idiot. S20 caught them (dark house, women’s things, closed door) but walked out before fuckwit saw him. It’s been 16 months, divorce still in process, he stopped bringing her to his house and is still hiding her from the kids (I’m NC). I filed with grounds so he knows I know but doesn’t know how I know.

    I imagine that she’s better than me but the kids say he looks terrible and isn’t happy. It’s painful typing this out because mostly I try not to think about it but yes my d-day came after he’d already left. He works long hours, travels so I was blindsided.

    • Erm, “better” in what way? “Better” doesn’t screw married people. Only losers or users would agree to stay hidden like that.

      I think we chumps tend to gradually and subconsciously ignore or lower our standards over a period of time while with cheaters if just to avoid rocking the boat. There’s nothing a cheater hates more than daunting standards they can’t live up to. It causes conflict and this can be exhausting, plus living with the smell of shit every day can numb the olfactory senses. With the cheater out of the way, your standards might recover too. We can find ourselves being a lot more judgmental of others on the basis of character and a lot less impressed with fakery as we return to our natural states again.

    • Here comes the 2X4, dear Elena.

      Yes, you “imagine” she is better than you. That’s you, abusing yourself. She’s a lying, sneaking, cheating, ho-bag hooked up with a drunk who ignores his kids. She’s as bad as he is.

  • The second wife, Lauren Maillian, has quite the Facebook page. She splashed the NYT vows article all over her page, as well as the pre wedding events, and so so much more from her oh so fabulous life. From scrolling thru her page, it is clear she and her new hubby are “perfect” for each other. I wish Nykita the best and thank God she got out of being married to that guy, he sounds truly awful.

    • “Stop the presses ! Look how fabulous we are ! Our wedding made the cut for the NYT vows section !” Or Vogue online edition. We all get it. Ego kibbles. 🤮

    • You could pretty much guess that Maillian knew the guy was married from the start (like, er, the wedding ring and/or the fact she couldn’t visit his home until the split). They both consciously attempted to erase Nykita and Maillian seems utterly unfazed that the Times had to post a correction for all to see.

      The world shines with possibilities for Nykita now that the narcy shadow of evil has been removed from her life.

    • Social media is such a giant bowl of bullshit. It’s not happiness. It’s crack for a narc as social media has become image management and fishing for attention. I can’t tell you how often I see the false self portrayed when I know the behind the scenes dealings. You see this a lot with people who call themselves “entrepreneurs” to make you think they’re doing great but never turn a profit and you see it with women who are homewreckers and cheaters- their pages are BS.

  • And I thought my D-Day was bad! At least it wasn’t in the NY times…. I just found my husband’s porn video on pornhub.

  • Like a lot of the crap touted in corporate culture under the guise of helping employees and aiding organizational health and core values, tools like Myers-Briggs that are used to categorize human beings feel weaponized on some level. From Vox: https://www.vox.com/2014/7/15/5881947/myers-briggs-personality-test-meaningless

    ‘The Myers-Briggs Type Indicator is probably the most widely used personality test in the world.

    About 2 million people take it annually, at the behest of corporate HR departments, colleges, and even government agencies. The company that produces and markets the test makes around $20 million off it each year.

    The only problem? The test is completely meaningless.

    “There’s just no evidence behind it,” says Adam Grant, an organizational psychologist at the University of Pennsylvania who’s written about the shortcomings of the Myers-Briggs previously. “The characteristics measured by the test have almost no predictive power on how happy you’ll be in a situation, how you’ll perform at your job, or how happy you’ll be in your marriage.”

    …But the test was developed in the 1940s based on the totally untested theories of Carl Jung and is now thoroughly disregarded by the psychology community. Even Jung warned that his personality “types” were just rough tendencies he’d observed, rather than strict classifications.”

    • Anyway, it’s not surprising that a couple of lying cheater gym rats would measure themselves on a corporate scale just as they measure human worth on a sort of stock market.

      Part of recovering from chumpdom is to once and for all exorcise that “stock market” perspective, surgically remove it for the carcinogenic implanted chip it is and rid the mind of any commercialized measure of human worth or character. Before being chumped or suffering from other life changing traumas, that implanted chip might go unnoticed. But after a cataclysmic attack on identity, it’s like walking with a nail in one’s shoe. It has to come out.

      You know what’s hot? Integrity, decency and true intellectual independence.

    • Meh. I’ve found the Myers Briggs useful. I’ve read a ton about it over the past decades and it has helped me to better understand, and have compassion for, myself and others. But every single “expert” in Myers Briggs will categorically state that you shouldn’t pick a mate based on “Type.” Clearly, Robert was was happy to use anything, no matter how flimsy, to love-bomb his new victim. I hope Lauren gets out, qickly.

  • I’m sure that the fine folks who donate to her “Non-Profit” which pays her so handsomely are all very thrilled to find out what kind of person who is in charge of all that money.

    Bless her heart.

  • Dude wears a man bun of braids and sneakers with his tux. This lady dodged a bullet on the basis of bad 90s fashion choices alone (didn’t that same guy cheat at singing when he was in Milli Vanilli?). On the Meyers-Briggs test, pretty sure he’s a LOSE-R.

  • Would you want to be with someone who has shown they will betray someone like that? A man who didn’t have enough character to show integrity and be faithful and honest? A man who wouldn’t hesitate to break up his children’s home?

    I think it’s common to compare ourselves to the AP. To wonder why this person is “better” than us because that has to be the explanation, right? No. Hugh Grant cheated on Elizabeth Hurley (gorgeous) with a crack head prostitute, fgs. What another person does is no reflection of us and not a single one of us should ever hang our heads in shame. I didn’t cause it. I didn’t deserve it and neither did you. And most importantly, these disordered folks will never be happy because their happiness is like filling a bucket up with holes in it. It just drains over and over.

    It might not mean much in this world but integrity means a hell of a lot to me and it means everything to me that I never have to carry the shame of committing adultery. I won’t be the one that my kids will have a sob story over.

    I promise you, you’ve won and I know you will fully realize it in time.

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