To be chumped is to be underestimated. Devalued. Misunderstood. And while you shouldn’t give cheaters precious mental real estate, sometimes when you inevitably look back, it’s rather gobsmacking what they came up with to malign you.
Today’s Friday Challenge is courtesy of the private CN Facebook page – What’s the dumbest thing your ex said to try to insult you?
That you’re bad with money… and you’re a registered accountant?
That you’re a fat size 2?
That you’ll never find anyone as awesome as they are?
(The gum you scraped off your shoe would be better company.)
Whatever stupid thing it was, I’m sure it hurt nonetheless. Today we can point and laugh. Neutralize the sting. Find the vein of humor.
TGIF! From your hippy chick who can’t make coffee.
Told me I was unfit to be a father….
Glad I was spared fathering kids through her!
I know exactly mine told me I “FAILED” as a mother and yet he was the one caught by Canadian RCMP having affairs in our “FAMILY” home while I worked graveyard shift and took care of the kids school things, absolutely disgusting!????
Ish! Projection is their forte!!
Mine told me I didn’t seem very maternal. I didn’t have any kids, and he hadn’t seen his own young daughter in years and wasn’t paying child support.
She told me she would have been “terrified” to bring children to our allegedly “very bad home environment”. We were already talking about names for our future children in my allegedly happy marriage. Meanwhile she was screwing an older married man with 3 kids at our home. She also took pictures with his kids (one of them still a baby), not sure how will that have interfered with the other family’s home atmosphere.
“I had to cheat because you’re YOU.”
Dang, this tops ’em all !
Well it’s hard to argue with that.
I mean…..you are you.
Flawlessly logical ????
He told me, “I am an emotional person, you are an intellectual person”.
He criticized me for being more psychologically stable than he.
How dare he!
Imagine being both correct, and insulting to HIMSELF while trying to criticize you. The guy is a genius, clearly!
He told me to “Go back to the gutter, where you belong!”
It hurt like hell, but then I learned about projecting and Narcissism and it really clarified the actual reality of it all.
He said that maybe I’m just too smart because 50 years ago there wasn’t internet to tell us that phone sex is cheating.
Wow, the power of being you! You can turn upstanding, principled people into rutting, sneaking pigs WITH YOUR MIND.
Do objects levitate before you as you enter a room? Do you make planes fall from the sky? Can you crash the stock market with a sneeze?
We mortals bow down before you. You are a living god.
This comment wins the day!
I had something along those lines. The latest one is in I’m narcissist, controller manipulator and made him cheat (for years with anything that walked). I’m such a control freak that by filing for divorce I’m controlling even the end of the marriage. Can’t make this up
Damn! That’s impressive!
It took me so long to realize that every time my Ex said something about me that didn’t make any sense, all I had to do was turn it around to be about him and suddenly, bingo! Sounds like exactly what was needed with this one.
Mine told me I was “a social and intellectual chameleon without peer” who shamelessly used people and stole their ideas. He literally described himself!
The accusation baffled me at the time. I was a good person with lots of friends. People liked and respected me. Even in the depths of the abuse, I knew his accusation was blatantly false, but I couldn’t figure out where the hell he was pulling this from.
Now I understand he was describing himself. Even his insults were self-centered.
Honestly, it frightened me that this guy NEVER knew who I was. Everything with him was a projection.
At one point, he insisted on using a nickname with me because he couldn’t remember my real name. We’d known each other a decade at that point!
“Ok Bill Nye the Science Guy. They’re just dumb… and slow.”
When I told one of my exes that crocodiles were my favorite animal. And three lions vs a juvenile croc in a dry riverbed doesn’t mean lions are better hunters. Also: completely different animals.
But he always had to feel like he was the winner. Including when it came to what animals I liked.
“But it’s not NORMAL to stay a virgin until you’re married!” – courtesy of Rhys. Keep in mind, I’m Catholic, he’s an atheist. We come from different backgrounds, bub, don’t try to tell me what’s “normal”.
(And yes, I did NOT lose my virginity to him, thankyaverymuch)
That someone who lied to me for years called me controlling and said I was smothering. Mind f@ck anyone?
Yep! I was called controlling also. And yet I learned never to make any decision without first getting his input because he would be pissed if I did. He said too many times, “You made a unilateral decision!” Why I didn’t throw that back in his face when I found out about his skank, I just don’t know. I was never quick or as witty as he was.
Exact same phrase Amazon Chump! After DDay, I asked for child support, he said no, so I went and applied to get it via the tax department (that’s what you do here). He got really pissed and wrote, “there you go making unilateral decisions”. In the past year, I get that all the time. It’s like, no, YOU made a unilateral decision not to pay child support. I simply made a decision to protect myself. And yes, THEY made unilateral decisions to fuck strange. It’s just power and control. What they’re really saying is, “I don’t like you making any decisions because I want all the control.”
Mine ALWAYS says “you always do whatever you want anyway” or “you never consider what I want”… he’s also told me “You’re supposed to compromise – which means you give up on what you want and do what I want. COMPROMISE”
That’s NOT how that works.
Oh my God mine says exactly the same! I always get what I want in the relationship. He says yes to everything apparently. When I asked for specifics regarding what it is exactly that I get – more word salad.
OMG ~ this need to compromise always means ‘I get what I want’. Huge red flag when ‘compromise’ is brought up.
Yes this!!! I got that a lot. Usually, though, it wasn’t when I was paying all the bills (because he didn’t have a pot to piss in), or cleaning all the house (because he wouldn’t), or taking care of all the adulting (because he couldn’t). Insert major eye roll here.
The first time I caught him, he said: “It’s too bad you’re not more like me. I would not be jealous if you slept with other people.”
The second d-day, he said “You don’t have any experience with BDSM so I need an open marriage so I can explore my authentic self.”
So, essentially, my faults are: monogamy and not wanting to be the victim in his orchestrated faux gang rape “scenes.”
And when we split, he told everyone it was because “we argued about sex.” (see above).
Guilty, as charged!
Although I didn’t get the insult along with it, I got something very much like this. She told me that she didn’t enjoy sex unless she was being physically hurt, and because I wouldn’t do that (how can I literally beat up the person I love?) she was going to find it elsewhere.
Yeah I feel like this is 100% a go to when they do not want to be transparent and accept they are being an ahole. Apparently, you should just trust them at their word. SMH
We had a beautiful place with a pool, vineyard and gardens.
I spent most weekends keeping it up while he “worked”. I work M-F long Medical provider hours.
He came home one Saturday afternoon when I was cleaning the sand off the back porch with his son and said
“I didn’t know that you liked doing housework.”
No, asshole I don’t, but someone has to.
Towards the end, when I was packing up the house to move, he came into the garage where I was tearfully making boxes
“you are so LABILE”, talk about projection, ha!
Several years before dday, he was on the Cape with me and my sister. We were laughing and having fun. He was flirting with her.
Out of the blue he says, “Why don’t you die so I can marry your sister”
I was speechless, my sister called him an ass, and he thought it was funny
Don’t miss him at all.????
My retired military cheater once told me I was a “security risk” because I thought for myself. He also said I would be “recruited as a spy” because I am “a loner and intelligent”. He thought he was maligning me. He told me “The enemy is looking for people like you”.
Then there was the time he threw a stack of folded and ironed laundry in my face while he screamed about the mending. “ YOU DIDN’T DO THE MENDING!!!” Dear reader, I had, six weeks previously.
So there you have it, Chump Nation. That is what you are dealing with, a potential spy, security risk who didn’t do the mending. He was simply forced to cheat on me to mitigate the security risk.
I am a nurse practitioner in a busy ED with many years of experience. I went to college before the internet, BTW.
My ex’s favorite name to call me was “stupid” and he barely graduated high school. ???? After D-day I told him “Your big mistake is thinking I am stupid.”
Yep, I taught theology based courses, Masters degree, and “didn’t know the Bible” according to my ex. I got, “You need to read the Bible. Have you ever read it?” Yes sir, several times a year in several translations. They’re stacked on my bookshelf next to several concordances and commentary sets. Then I was told I didn’t understand it, my professors were dumb and my religion was wrong!
This sounds like Divorce Minister.
His father-in-law would lecture him and tell him he did not understand the Bible. Except DM has a M.Div. from Yale!
You would appreciate his book:
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07JZY13Q1/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_LuVKFbSAVHFXB
Thanks for the endorsement, Bruno! Yes, they have issues when you don’t just roll over to their religious manipulations. Blinding arrogance is a common cheater trait.
Omg hello Honorable Faithful Mr DM!!! I just bought and read your book in two days. It helped so much bc I was getting the you weren’t perfect ergo I cheated spiel. Your book helped clear me of that (other) lie!!! So many lies.
One of my exes had it in his head he was right about every political issue under the sun, and every time I tried to speak about it he’d just yell over me or cut off my sentences and tell me I was wrong, I didn’t know what I was talking about and I’m just trying to sound smart but I don’t have any idea what I’m saying.
I have a bachelors degree in political science.
@Gonegirl , if it makes you feel better, mine complained that I was too smart.
“You’re so smart, I NEVER win an argument with you.!!”
You can’t win with these people.
When we went as a family to one of my post-grad graduations and found out I had won the award for first in my course, he said: “You are so selfish. Couldn’t you just have let someone else win for once?” Many times he also pointed out how dumb I was and so it was not worth trying to explain anything to me.
“Couldn’t you have let someone else win?” That’s terrible!
Nooo! The MENDING is what keeps the enemies out!
You ruined the fiber of our nation!
XD
Kara, thank you. I’m am very powerful that way!!!
I think you win the internet today. I’ve seen a lot of stupid shit cheaters say but “the enemy will recruit you to be a spy” is a doozy.
I concur.
Snowden, Assange, probably never darned a sock.
Thirtythreeyears. If that does make him nuts I don’t know what does. Wow they are wacky
“Does not” sorry need my tea…
Newlady15, I love you even more for the editing! I believe the clinical terminology is whack job! There should be a medical code for that diagnosis.
I’ve heard code “One D Ten T” spoken out loud before. ID10T. 🙂
ThirtyThreeYears–
We as a nation sidestepped the next Cuban Missile Crisis because he got his freak on?
Wow abusives much?
Shades of Chris Watts anyone? How terrifying.
Let It Snow…. that is horrifying and chilling. You’re lucky you got out alive.
I had 20+ “armchair diagnoses” by the time he was done discarding me.
> I laterally counted them out. So depressing to look back and see what I took.
That’s when I became MAGNETO Super Villain. If ‘ya gotta be the bad guy, Chumps, at least pick a cool one.
I LOVE the idea of you just throwing up your hands and going full super villain. Plus, Magneto is a great choice. I for one welcome our new master of magnetism.
Now I want to be a super villain. 😉
Me too! Let’s all become super villains.
I am IN.
My Fuckwit said I was a force of nature. That once I made a decision there was no stopping me. Funny reason to cheat for the entire marriage but I’m happy to be assigned ‘the force of nature’ super power. Now if I could just stop that annoying existential threat climate change….
I held off filing for divorce and let him live in a spare bedroom for a couple of years- dumb I know, but product of that stupid decision was having to listen to never ending excuses and attacks on me. I could have written a book based on his weekly new excuse. But the one the really got me and proved our relationship was over:
Me: How could you fly to Miami and take a weeklong cruise with another woman?
Him: You NEVER fold my underwear correctly and said you never would!!!
He also would use my own words against me, like after coming back from two week overseas to spend with his GF (unbeknownst to me) he told me I was cold and unaffectionate. That’s something I told him. I was literally starving for affection. I realize now that his GF (who was also married) must have fed the line to him as an excuse for her own cheating and he used it on me. So unlike him to even mention much less partake or care about affection of any kind. So that was stupid and very telling.
I have trouble with these post sometimes because after 20 years of a horrible marriage, I have so many I could use. So hard to pick one!
Perhaps putting them all out there one by one will cause them to shrivel and wilt in the light of day, and offer you a smidge of peace ((( hugs )))
Mine said if I didn’t fold his underwear properly, he didn’t feel loved. This was when we were first married. I thought it was dumb, but I should have thought about a divorce then!
ChumpedButHappierNow- yes, mine got the sadz when I didn’t fold his clothes when we first started dating. I thought it was weird, but he never stopped worrying about his stupid socks and underwear. I finally just stopped folding them all together because I knew it was a losing battle.
At one point, I stopped folding or putting away any of his clothing since I always did it “wrong”. I started piling it all in the bathtub, where it stayed for months. Until his mom and dad were coming for a visit, then he put it all away himself.
That he would use it for an excuse to go on a weeklong cruise had to be the dumbest thing I ever heard. He didn’t leave me much to work with in the end.
I was never given an excuse for his cheating. He never felt he needed to give me one. But I do remember him saying, “I have a right to be happy!” So I’m going to assume that I wasn’t making him happy and that’s how he justified his skank on the side. But all this talk of socks and laundry reminds me of what I went through at the beginning of my 30-year marriage. My ex was military as well. He had a habit of pairing his socks flat, then rolling them starting from the toe and up to the edge, and then flipping the edge of one over the roll so they ‘had little smiles on them.’ He came home once obviously frustrated from work, walked into our very clean apartment (because I had two crawling baby boys), and got pissed because there were toys ‘all over the house!’ My ex was super obsessive compulsive, and I wasn’t. He blew a gasket. He started by yelling, “Why is it that whenever I come home, the house is a mess!” We lived on the 9th floor in an apartment in Japan and because my boys were crawling, the floors were kept very clean. And because we had no money back then, I used cloth diapers and rubber pants. I nursed them both. My day was spent taking care of two boys, washing two loads of diapers a day, feeding boys, entertaining boys, and then preparing meals for ‘his’ return each evening at about 5 PM. When he started yelling and picking up toys from the floor, he decided to go around the house and complain about everything that irked him. We had 3 light switches as soon as you walked in the front door, and another set of 3 light switches that worked the same lights as you left the living room and before you went to the bedrooms. He went to the light switches and aligned them all up or all down on either side of the room admonishing me to keep the light switches in all the same direction. Then he went over to the telephone and picked up the receiver and slammed it back down opposite than how I placed it and ranted that when I put the receiver back down on the phone, that I needed to keep the cord on the same side that it was connected (rather than wrapped around the front.) Then he went to his closet and said, “When you hang my shirts, I want all of my long-sleeved shirts on this side, and all of my short-sleeved shirts on the other side! And when you hang them, leave 1 inch between the hangers!” Then he went over to his T-shirt drawer, opened it, grabbed a ruler and showed me how he wanted his T-shirts folded. He used the ruler and said, “When you fold my T-shirts, I want them folded 8 inches by 11 inches!” Then he opened his sock drawer and saw how I would put his socks in them (I just tied pairs together), and he dumped all of them on the bed. He grabbed a pair, untied them, and showed me how to pair his socks before placing them in his drawer, “And when you fold my socks, I want them folded like this! With little smiley faces on them!!”
Lordy that brings back horrible memories.
The socks the Tshirts etc. And when I got all that right, there was always something else.
It doesn’t matter what the spouse does, if they want an excuse they will find it. Also, you can not make your spouse into a different person, or a robot; which I think is what some cheaters want.
They want a Stepford wife
Mine actually said I’m a Stepford wife. That I’m too perfect.
…..
I realise now that it’s probably true, with all that spackling… End of the day, nothing I did made him happy. Because, it’s impossible for them to be happy anyway.
Amazon Chump,
What a control freak nutter! JFC
I was “so controlling” and I had always “held her right under my finger”.
News to me after 20+ years. I was actively involved with all of our kids, coached every sport imaginable. Went to work at 5AM so she could work and I could pickup kids after school. Drove the shit vehicle so she had the nice/new one.
We had separate bank accounts, had our own cell phones. She went out with her friends often.
Somehow, after 20+ years and after the “I Love You But I don’t Love You”, I was controlling?
Cheater “Logic” is confounding!
Very similar story. Thought I was the only one.
Same here brother. Exactly. I think for us male chumps the sacrifices we make are actually a turn off for the women we were with. I truly believe that.
That’s why you all need to find nice chump women, who would appreciate you all!!
That sounds good in theory but I’m not sure I believe in “love” anymore. I was definitely naive when I got married and thought “love” would conquer all. False.
That’s what she’s saying to you. The love or being in live isn’t a problem. The women you were with are. You’re throwing the pearls of your love to the swines.
Same. I believed in love and commitment and thought that people could overcome even cheating (not serial cheating, or long affairs, for some reason I believed that only major assholes did that and “normal” people would feel guilty after cheating like once, confess and then you’d work on your relationship because of commitment and love).
But now I’m very aware that people change, sometimes not for the better, so the person you married years ago might have been great then, love you and be committed to you. But that doesn’t mean they’ll stay the same.
I was stupid enough to tell her that if she messed up and had an affair, I would be willing to try to forgive her and work on saving the marriage (even though she 100% wanted a divorce…….lied and told me she was not having affair).
I am 100% convinced she has had at least 1 other previous affair….if not more. I thought our previous marriage counseling saved our 20 year marriage and I was so happy and relieved.
Captain Hindsight has me re-thinking…….was that previous marriage counseling really caused by “something is missing”…..probably not…..probably another cheating affair that did not end well.
me = plan B (without even knowing it)
My XW wanted her main AP to leave his wife for her. He refused. So she stayed with me. I was Plan B without knowing it! Made me so mad!
I don’t believe genuinely good people just suddenly or even gradually turn into thugs.
A Holocaust survivor who testified at Nuremberg said something like, “Ten percent of people are always cruel, ten percent are always merciful, and the remaining eighty percent can go either way.”
Hold out for the top 10% and stay away from slip-sliders.
I think love goes so far, and then, as CL says, it’s about character.
I think somewhere in the archives CL did a blog about how love isn’t all that makes a strong relationship. Cheaters will blow up multi decade unions because their schmoopie us “twu wuv,” chumps will stay stuck because they love their (cheating) spouses, but we need to understand that love isn’t the only thing that makes a good relationship. Character is part of it, respect, and yes, boundaries. That applies to within the relationship and without. A good person will not allow their spouse to walk all over them and trample their boundaries, and a good person will also know when to look at a situation, I.E. an opportunity to cheat, and say “No, I will not do that.”
Love is great and sure you should love your partner. But a relationship is not ONLY love. Like marriage isn’t “just a piece of paper” it’s a union.
“a good person will also know when to look at a situation, I.E. an opportunity to cheat, and say “No, I will not do that.”
You make a good point about character, but like I wrote in another comment, I think people sometimes change and not for the better.
When I got together with my ex we were 21, he was down to earth, knew where he came from (his parents were farmers), hard worker, believed in commitment, and definitely not a show off. He was always ambitious though, and he worked to get a good career. That isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but his attitude changed once he started making good money, he bought the flashy car, the flashy watch, cared about his appearance differently, and when I found out about the cheating and money he had spent, he was buying expensive presents to show off his newly acquired wealth to his APs, presents that if he had bought them for me I would have asked him why was he spending so much on stuff like super expensive lingerie, whenever VS for instance made lingerie just as pretty for half that price and with the rest we could have a weekend away.
My sister had noticed as well he behaved differently and used to call him J.Lo (who came from the Brox and now is super rich and acts like it).
So idk. Sometimes people’s “character development” is for the worst, and what was once true for them it no longer is. That’s why I feel so off balance, because even if your ex did have certain qualities at some point, there’s no guarantee they will keep having them. In my naivety I didn’t think people could change so drastically, but now that I’m going through this I’m aware that neither love nor character could prevent someone from becoming a different version of themselves. It’s quite scary.
Love, character, respect, boundaries. And don’t forget to add reciprocity to that list.
Have you read Mark Manson’s article “Love is not enough”? Great article, definitely worth the read.
It baffles me that society has so many myths around such an important topic and so little REAL education or preparation for it.
I have actually found an amazing woman….she was chumped in a different way but we are very open about our experiences and deeply aware of how trust is vital.
Hindsight is 20/20.
I remember, before I knew the awful truth, but after ILYBIDLY, I spoke to a mutual female “friend” (actually the wolf in sheep’s clothing)…….I was explaining my struggle to understand what the hell happened and the friend said “well, you know Nothing Chumpares 2 U, you are very intense”.
First time I ever heard that either…..found that it was an odd thing for her to say (especially since she is loud and obnoxious……kettle black much?).
Well, fast-forward to when I found evidence…..the “friend” was FULLY AWARE of my wife’s affair…..and fully supported it.
Cheater Cheerleaders even try to gaslight……thank God I finally came to my senses and started investigating…..I am 100% convinced had I not found out on my own, I NEVER would have known the truth and I would have felt a very different void the rest of my life.
I no longer believe in mid-life crisis and all the other shit reasons people want to get divorced. For me, chances are 99.9% that you are a cheater when you suddenly and with no good reason want to get a divorce.
My horrid STBXW told me later (after I disclosed proof) that “she was going to tell me about the affair”.
Yeah right!!!….you think I believe that shit? She would NEVER state anything that makes her look like the bad person.
Wow. I’m glad for you and your new life. I personally don’t know any men(that I’m aware of) who are “supported” for cheating. Anyone man in my circle who did that to their family would be judged pretty harshly. I don’t feel it’s the same with women. Just my observation.
XW’s close friends started the divorce avalanche. They made it sound so fun, XW thought she was missing out??? No shame felt by any of them.
People run with other people who are like them. People are affected by the people they are around. Your exwife sounds like she found her “tribe” of women, all of them with the same debased values.
If it makes you feel better quantumchump, my ex was a guy and he said he felt supported by his friends. They all cheated on their partners in the matter of weeks apart and broke up their relationships.
The only time he regretted it was when he fell out of that group. Assh*le.
In my family (Dad’s side), cheating was an Olympic event. When my first husband cheated on me, my father told me, “That’s no big deal. Every man cheats.”
And when I left my second husband after his botched attempt to murder me, Dad said, “You used to be able to hit your wife as long as the stick wasn’t any bigger around than your thumb.” I didn’t find that humorous, either, although my mother assured me that “He’s just joking.”
Yeah, my father was a piece of shit. No wonder I married Narcissistic Personality Disordered cheaters and abusers!
He who jokes professes
My ex had a cheater supporter, a man. A flying monkey. This was supposedly a friend of mine as well. I went to his house when it happened and unleashed all hell in front of him and his wife. I was ugly crying, snot flying out, and I said, “I want you to see what the other side of this looks like.”
I don’t know what planet you’re living on, but on this one any double standard about sex tends to favor men, not women. A cheating woman is seen as a whore, whereas people assume a man who cheated wasn’t getting enough at home.
My xh was fully supported for cheating and leaving his family – ’cause, I must’ve deserved it, been a crap partner, right? And he deserves to be happy.
Agree. We had a fantastic upper-middle class lifestyle, due mostly to my sacrifices. She ran off with a 300 pound, uneducated, unemployed, carless, Harley dude with knuckle tattoos who lived in daddy’s basement. I guess I wasn’t edgy enough for her.
Ewe….I think I can smell him justfrom your description ????
Wait..what??
They never trade up. I was discarded for his married howorker who is 11 years older than me with 3 college age kids. She has a DUI conviction for hitting a parked car. She’ll be 50 soon – guess he wanted someone who thinks partying like you’re in college and staying at the bars until close is cool.
What she later said was me being controlling (paying bills, enforcing boundaries with the kids, planning family activities, etc., etc.) sure felt a lot like me doing **more than my fair share** of everything. I would’ve welcomed help with . . . Anything! I’m remarried now and share responsibilities happily!
BBM
I can’t blame you for not believing in love after being chumped. It’ll be doubly hard to recover any love life if you believe all women feel attraction like a FW. Someday I hope you experience closeness with a woman if for no better reason than to detox from FW poison.
I think both male & female FWs not being attracted to their chumps has something to do with the parent/child dynamic CL mentioned in a different post. Parent/child dynamics kill desire.
Although I’ve heard of male FWs that are turned on by their destructive sexual dominance of women [Authors: Lundy Bancroft & Don Hennessy]. Maybe someday there will be useful studies of how female FWs operate.
I’ve heard from other quarters that some men think women are deceptive about their sexual attraction. They think women are turned off from a man who helps around the house & with kids, and its a terrible lie when women say they are. To that, I’d say that although housework isn’t a direct turn on, but it increases the trust which is vital for many women to open up sexually. Unfortunately I know too much about the Manosphere’s crappy ideas women about female infidelity because I found David Futrelle’s blog too funny. It’s hard to not argue against PUA sounding stuff when I hear it.
I think it is SO sexy when my guy helps me with chores and the kids. He does it because he wants to do his half, not for any praise or accolades. And then usually I can’t wait for the kids to go to bed and get him alone ????♀️
But then I am a chump, and my guy is a fellow chump ????
My STBXW started claiming in arguments that I did not love her and I just wanted a doormat for a wife and someone to cook and clean. Funny part is that she did next to zero housework. She did laundry and cooked and that was it. As for not loving her, I spent 15 faithful years to her and use to phone her everyday from work at my lunch or breaks just to share how our day was going. As soon as all her cheating was caught I suddenly was met with all these nasty comments from her. Just mental gymnastics to deal with the 20 or so people she was cheating with.
Yep, I got the “controlling husband” claim, too. Though I thought I was being helpful for those 22 years, running a high income business, transporting kids, paying bills, washing dishes, cooking, planning vacations, taking pets to the vet, bringing her coffee in bed every morning, etc. Oh, and also helped financially support the start of her business, spent every holiday with her family, and took care of the kids and house when she took separate vacations.
I first heard this allegation Of “control” after D-day 1. When I shared it with my mom, still wondering how I could change myself to make the marriage work, Mom said, “Well, she sure seems to have enjoyed the benefits of all that control she says you had.” Even my 75 year-old Italian Catholic mom eventually agreed that I had to file.
Her female friend went through a bad break up few years ago and my STBXW use to tell me how she was glad I was not controlling and abusive like her friends ex. Fast forward to me finding out all the affairs and cheating and I’m suddenly controlling and abusive.. I just give up with these cheaters. I was so so controlling that I never stopped her going anywhere and others use to compliment her on how I was a good husband. Funny how there was no issues till she got caught cheating and I hit her with a divorce.
They must all have the same Cheater Handbook……Is there a “Cheaters For Dummys” out there?
I too was apparently “controlling” and “abusive” (must have happened maybe while sleepwalking???)
She “never realized how scared she was of me” (I literally did a spit-take when she said that)…..only said these things after she was busted about her affair.
I asked my children (in teens and 20’s) if they ever felt fear in the house or had ever seen any abuse. They laughed. Same with the close life-long friends…..it is jaw-dropping to them to hear the bullshit.
It’s amazing that a parent would make such ridiculous and false allegations….especially when the children know it is complete bullshit.
They don’t realize how stupid it makes them look to those who supposedly really matter.
But alas, to the throw-away friends and family, image is everything…..must not look like the bad person so let’s re-write history and smear the only half of the partnership that has integrity.
So I guess no matter the gender, all cheaters make shit up to justify their crappy behavior.
Mine trotted this out in the end: “I sometimes felt unsafe with you.” What?
Dude… what the fuck?
I got, literally, exactly the same comments right down to me talking to my kids about “abuse” or them being scared of me. Exactly the same comments from my friends.
I’m starting to think there is *actually* a cheaters handbook.
I think a lot of the men have (had) ‘”Nice Guy Syndrome” (Dr. Robert Glover’s books will help with that).
Be faithful, provide, involved with children, work hard, share household chores, sacrifice….we stupidly think it’s enough.
Not slighting the women here…..I know a lot of Women who are terrific that have been cheated on too (even in my own family…..and I now have a new found empathy for them).
> Be faithful, provide, involved with children, work hard, share household chores, sacrifice….we stupidly think it’s enough.
I mean… isn’t it?!
This really baffles me – I did those things, and it clearly wasn’t what she wanted. But WTF *did* she want? I know, skein untangling and all, but I honestly have no idea. If I had to bet, I’d say she had no idea either.
(unless what she wanted was to be ditched by an angry loser who decided he wasn’t leaving his wife for her after she threw away her marriage for him, in which case she sure got it and I hope it brings her joy).
They want whatever they don’t have. It doesn’t have to be anything worth having. They just like to chase it. Then when they get it, it’s not long before they want something else. That’s why these losers are never happy or at peace.
Bingo
Yep! OHFFS nails it.
And it saddens me that the chumped men here seem to think that women don’t want guys who are decent and honorable. The corollary is that toxic males (“bad boys”) somehow do better. Perhaps this is true for certain women–the narcissistic takers, the shallow kibble seekers–but it’s not true for the majority of decent women.
So male chumps, please don’t stop being “nice guys.” Stop picking women who don’t appreciate your awesomeness.
They want to be the center of attention at all times. Because if people stop praising them and paying attention to them, the great big void where there soul is supposed to be might swallow them up. So when you are paying attention to life -children, work, bills, taking care of the house – your attention is not on them. And THEY CANT STAND IT. So no, its not enough. Because nothing will ever be enough.
Exactly. He was constantly organizing social events with coworkers – whether after work bar stop, people over for BBQ, etc. Constant craving for people to tell him how funny his jokes were etc. No family trips, it was was always me taking the kids to the museums or zoo. What family time we had revolved around his college football and NFL Viewing schedule. The kids and me have had so much fun since he moved out.
It’s true that some people (men and women included) are ‘too nice’, in that they don’t have boundaries, don’t assert themselves, and have little self respect. That actually can be a turn-off – although narcs LOVE THAT, in the beginning.
But a HEALTHY ‘nice guy’ who is faithful, involved with children, works hard, shares household responsibilities … now that is SUPER ATTRACTIVE.
Nothing is more attractive to me than a guy who is good with his kids. I once lingered in my car (slightly creepy I know) in the Whole Foods parking lot to watch a guy lovingly fix his toddler’s ponytail. Such a turn on! And nothing made me hornier than when my then-husband did some household chore. That shit is porn for me.
As for the “too-nice thing,” I suppose many of us chumps (male and female) might have slipped into the “too-nice territory.” But I honestly think it’s because of the dynamic created by an entitled, narc spouse. It’s some weird dance that develops; and you get trapped in it. At least that was the case for me. I just kept doing more and more and more. And it was never enough. And my needs became smaller and smaller. In the end, I was a shrunken version of myself. Even so, I actually thought I had a pretty good marriage…WTF!
In retrospect, although the discovery of the affair hurt like a mofo (and still hurts one year out), it forced me to wake the hell up and leave. I’m now, slowly but surely, finding myself again. I’m getting stronger (hence the spinach reference ????).
It doesn’t matter what you do – either way you’ll get slammed.
I also took care of kids, did all the cooking and household managements, etc. (while having a full-time job) so XW could fly around the country to conferences and advance her career. I never questioned her trips (tbh, since I was doing all the kid stuff anyway it didn’t make much difference). During the discard, XW accused me of not being controlling enough: she said that if I really loved her, I would have been jealous and checked up on her while she was traveling. She blamed me for being *not* controlling and jealous.
She did report that she and colleagues were discussing their spouses and she described me to them as “my saint of a husband”. Fast forward a short time and she’s having an affair with one of those colleagues.
The lesson is that there is literally nothing you can do – no way you can act, or not act – that will not become justification for their affair.
You just can’t win with them. She turned so nasty against me and no matter what I said or did it was all wrong. She would scream at me over imagined things, screaming I was giving her dirty looks, how I did not love her, how she had carried the marriage for all these years, how she endured whilst I was in the military. She was possessively jealous of any females around me yet she was the cheater. She use to grab me by the balls literally and dig her nails in and get right in my face and tell me if I ever touched another girl she would cut my balls off with a knife so I could never get it up ever again. Now she is away and faced with our divorce near complete she emails me about how she misses me and wants me to hold her and she regrets everything. I’m glad it’s all over.
From my observations, Narcs ‘love’ us to bits (as much as they are capable) during that first infatuation phase, just as they are SO happy w/a new job, new house, new friendship, new hobby, new whatever the fuck else ….
Then once the thrill wears off and reality sets in, they settle into one of two modes;
– if they can push you around, they despise you, no respect at all. (And they see our loving and caring for them and ‘doing’ for them as totally this, that’s why they don’t appreciate it.)
– if they can’t push you around they hate you and resent you.
So yeah, no way you can win with them. You will always fall into one of those two categories or alternate between them depending on what’s happening.
Love how they brag about their newfound “freedom” and “independence”, as if they were chained in the basement and fed table scraps. She traveled to Europe freely with “the girls”, had 12 hours/day to herself during which I worked and kids commuted to private school she insisted they attend. If I had her on a leash, how did she carry on an affair for almost a year undetected?
It truly is something amazing how they make these claims.
I thought the same thing. If I’m so “controlling,” how did he get away with an affair for over a year? Why did I always accept the “working late” excuse?
It’s all bs. Consider that everything negative she accused you of was precisely what she sought, perhaps unconsciously, in an AP.
I noticed that cheater in my case managed to find an AP exactly like his malignant, controlling and underhanded, mom. He flung a lot of DARVO accusations at me before D-Day, mostly taking positives about me, things I might value in myself, and making them sound like something deplorable. But there were also other bizarre accusations which, if you added them up, really described his toxic mommy and AP, down to accusing me of secretly trying to get pregnant (?), which turned out to be exactly what the AP had been attempting to do. Meanwhile I have three kids and that was the last thing on my mind. I’m glad the AP failed in her quest since my kids don’t need a half-sib with fetal alcohol syndrome.
I don’t think the overlaps between the AP and cheater’s mommy were an accident. But at the same time I don’t think the “Looking for Mr. Goodbar” syndome applies to most chumps because of the massive amount of psychic energy most cheaters pour into image management when they’re auditioning for “healthy, upstanding citizen” status and a life and partner to fit that guise. In fact, I think the assumption that all victims seek abuse is a projection, maybe on an institutional level, because the only people I’ve ever seen be actively “drawn” to abusers are abusers in their own rights. When they get tired of wearing the upstanding mask, they go to the dark side to let their hair down.
Great observation. My cheater had a super controlling mom and AP as well. The AP is the one who slyly convinced him I was the one who was controlling. Idiot believed every word out if her lying liar hole.
I was called controlling too, which is BS because all of my friends were always saying, “I would never let my husband go out like your let yours go out.” I was always thinking, “I don’t let him, he just does whatever he wants even if I don’t like it.” I wish I would have been more controlling in hindsight. I wish I would have complained more about him always going out and leaving me alone, I wish I would have bitched more about the fact that I did all the fucking housework and adulting, I wish I would have told him to get the fuck off his phone and join in the relationship. If anything I wasn’t controlling enough because of his abuse, I sucked up my anger and let him do what he wanted just to keep the peace.
Formerly, I thought for a little while like this, that if I had been more ‘controlling’, insisted more on him pulling his weight, made it clear I wouldn’t tolerate the constant crabbiness etc, he might have stepped up, behaved better and even have been happier.
But then I realized that I didn’t want to live like that, having to constantly enforce boundaries, set limits, and threaten (my saying I was ready to leave him seemed to be the only thing that made any impression on him, but it’s not something I would ever say lightly!). And I didn’t want to be with a person I had to treat like that, in order to ‘make’ him treat me like a loving, caring person would.
This was their way of control. He would go out with friends and I had to stay home with the kids. On the rare occasion I would get an afternoon of freedom, it was when will you be home? Can you pick up dinner before you come home? I wasn’t having a spa day – it was typically running to target to shop kid free! And the phone – always on his phone – I typically had to drive the family so he could fiddle on his phone with “work” stuff more like snap cheat, fantasy football crap etc.
Yup! I think we had the same man.
And I had the female version!!
It makes sense if you look at it from the point-of-view of someone who’s entitled. It’s why disordered people don’t appreciate anything, no matter how generous and thoughtful you are.
It’s also why they rewrite history to paint you as the bad guy so they can get MORE: more affairs, more money, more whatever.
It’s all about entitlement for them. They’re entitled to everything and think you deserve nothing. They’re black pits of entitlement. Nothing is ever enough for them.
When my ex-husband’s daughter from his first marriage went to college, he would tell everyone, in front of me, how proud he was of his daughter because she was the first person in the family to go to college.
I have a bachelors degree.
Ah, but you were not family. You were a spouse appliance. I knew the feeling well.
Yep. Just an Appliance. We all lived that!
When we talked about jobs.. “”It is not like you really work.”
I was a school librarian
HappyChump, I loved all three of my school librarians and remember them well, even in my mid 40s. Thank you for instilling a love of reading in kids <3
After 15 years of marriage, children, endless and daily reassurance about whatever her “gripe of the day” happened to be (her appearance, her mother, her sisters, her desire to go back to work, her desire to NOT go back to work…) and 3 months of indulging her “need” for an open marriage, I got:
“. . . Well, guess what? I’ve finally found someone who actually supports me.”
I hope he supported her financially too! Just kidding, that’s your job.
X, soon after Dday, said, “Every thing about my life is perfect except for you.” Then went scorched earth, dragged out our divorce, then quickly married his affair partner. ????
Jfc.
My aunt’s husband abandoned their family and never paid a dime in child support. My father spent the next 10 years helping her out with errands, car repairs, and shoveling her driveway in the wintertime.
My aunt never thanked him, tried to return the favor, or showed any appreciation for any of it.
In fact, at a family dinner, she introduced her new fiancé as “the only guy who’s ever taken care of me.” My father was hurt and vowed he’ll never lift a finger for her again.
Some people are just bottomless pits of need and entitlement.
While I’m pick me dancing after shock of Dday, he says “you know she’s more mature than you.” Referring to his 23 year old Schmoopie who had no job, money, and a ton of legal problems. While I’m a 41 year old successful business owner and mother of his two kids who has supported him since day one. WTF! We do not share the same values with these fuckwits. Good riddance
God, they’ll say anything, won’t they? Mine left me for some homeless, high school educated out of work makeup artist that he decided would be the perfect person to start a highly skilled professional business with. Last I heard the people she was crashing with threatened to call CPS on her for abusing her child in their home.
Most recently it was that I’m not being a good mother because I’m not “taking care of myself enough” for values of taking care of myself that include, apparently, DATING. In a PANDEMIC. Before we’re officially divorced.
This during an argument bc I would not let him “open our pandemic bubble” to allow him to get on Tinder.
Other classics include him accusing me of not “making our house a home” during the 13 years of our marriage, ironically during a discussion of who was getting what pieces of furniture and him saying he didn’t want ANY of it because I had not “made our house a home.” Um, me and my apartment filled with art and furniture would like to debate that with your buddy. Oh well, at least I got everything.
Ah, yes . . . the “you’re so unhealthy” mindfuck. I got several variations of this early on. Apparently they set the example of “healthy” behavior, and if we don’t emulate it, we’re doing damage to ourselves and to others.
He told me I was “just a secretary” at my job. First of all, there is nothing wrong with being a secretary. Administrative assistants make a lot more than he does. Second, I wasn’t a secretary. It wasn’t in my job title. I have no idea where that even came from. Maybe he thought he was shaming me because I have my masters from a big school, and I was very overqualified for the job, but it was a foot in the door and I loved my work.
My boss and I answered our department’s phone when we had a free hand. It wasn’t my job to to it. I had a ton important responsibilities, from photography to designing giveaways. Plus I had respect at my job, which he never had.
I’d take being a secretary over being his wife any day.
After the first time I caught him cheating, we got into an argument because he was hiding his phone again. Said he wanted a divorce because “there’s no trust in this relationship “. I wonder why?? (He left me for the second ow a few years later).
My first husband claimed that the only problem in our marriage was that I just didn’t trust him. If I trusted him, all would be fine. This was AFTER I found out about his affairs with co-workers (his and mine), his boss’s wife, the church choir director, a few sopranos and the nun who led our pre-Cana classes.
I also got “at least I have a job.” Which was true. But he lied about having deposited his paycheck in our joint account from which the bills were paid and the rent and utilities checks bounced. He spent his paycheck on himself, and whenever he felt like it, he would dip into the joint account, too, leaving me to work hours and hours of overtime and scramble to pay the bills.
Then I got, “But you’re never home.” Well maybe if you contributed to household expenses, I wouldn’t have to work so much!
After 35 year marriage he told me “If you didn’t nag I wouldn’t have fallen out of love with you “.
Funny, we had sex almost every day even when he was supposed to be in love with owhore. She died year or so
after he left but he immediately moved into as another woman’s home.
Omg Kathleen I got the same along with I wasn’t allowed to ever say no to sex( during our 4 year wreckonciliation) because It’s very important to him( I guess the twice a week wasn’t sex enough??) POS
The excuse I got wasn’t original. I wasn’t taking care of him physically so he rode the village bicycle.
That I didn’t drink alcoholic drinks when we went to the pub……usually because I was driving!
You responsible Chump!
“The only thing you are good at is being a mother”
OutWest, that is an insult that really backfired. Is there anything more encompassing than being a Mother? Mothers do it all, wear the proverbial hats of a dozen occupations, and juggle multiple tasks.
If you are good at being a Mother, you are good at being human. His insult game is weak.
Grrrr.
I guess his attempt was to tell me I wasn’t a good enough housekeeper. I mean he is right I am not a spit shiner, but we are talking a bit of dust and books piled around my chair. Kitchen, Bath, clean. Floors clean, laundry done, cooked every day, mowed the lawn every summer, worked full time, at the time he said it and also did most of his volunteer work, while he got the accolades.
Then I found out later schmoopie makes me look like a spit shiner.
But, for the most part I don’t think he tired to insult me as much as hurt me badly enough to get me to initiate divorce. My pain just didn’t matter, as long as it got the result he wanted. When it didn’t he just got worse and worse. Even when he left he wouldn’t file, until I called and said you need to file. He balked, and I said you wanted the divorce, you need to file; it is the least you can do for me.
He did want me to be served. He never did have me served, I found the document in my mail box. I accepted it and, took it to my lawyer. I just needed to get our finances legally separated. Also, I truly did want him to own it and do the filing.
follow
I learned a year after he left that he had lined up an apartment with the Craigslist Cockroach during the fake reconciliation phase after DDay OCT 2017.
(Cheater playbook 101; you can’t leave during The Holidays. Then you’d really look like the colossal AH you actually are. )
That led to the discovery that he had been taking money out of our business to pay the rent on it, which led to the discovery that he had been hiding money from me for twenty years. A six figure sum. Cash. Twenty years of marriage during which I endured endless criticism of my financial behavior.
At a joint therapy session to discuss how to address the hidden money restitution, he said, “You know, I talked to a lawyer who said I have a very good case against you for mismanagement of money during our marriage. Clearly you were not acting in the best interests of our family.”
Said the cheater and financial genius who clearly paid way too much for a low quality blow up doll he found in Casual Encounters on Craigslist.
“I love you, but you don’t fit my aesthetic.”
(This was not supposed to be nested under another comment.)
lol, what was the aesthetic, “secret double life”?
Ha, totally! I was going with “Anybody but you” but the result is the same. ????
(Persistent novelty seeking in any topic area is, I’ve learned, in the topmost echelon for cheater red flags.)
Please tell me you took him to the cleaners and got a nice settlement.
I think in general it is true they don’t actually leave during the Holidays, thought they will certainly make the Holiday a hell on earth for us. At least mine did. He made sure I figured out what he was up to on Christmas morning. Made obvious phone calls and treated me like dirt. The following week, he got worse and worse. I guess in a last ditch effort to get me to kick him out.
I think Schmoopie was putting the screws to him, so he had to kick it in overdrive.
He started moving his crap out of the house the 2nd of Jan, after he insisted that we honor the invitation of two friends who we had invited over for New Years Eve. He put on quite a show that night. Then moved out the next day. Of course I knew by then that he was committing adultery. But, I just went along. I think the shock had kicked in and I was just on auto pilot. He used that to his advantage for the next three weeks, until I kind of came out of a fog, and called him and said you need to file for D. I had called my credit card companies and asked for print outs of the last three years. It was how I found out he had been spending lot of money on his whore.
“You made me do some of the housework!’ Never mind I had the higher paying job and we worked equal hours at our places of employment.
But, as he said, ‘She’s going to take much better care of me.’
He told me no one likes me because my ethics were too high. I made people feel bad about themselves.
We were arguing about Bill Cosby being innocent. Bigots, cheaters, rapist and pedifiles felt picked on. WTH
Omg lots of reminders here today. Mine said I was too honest, yes from the man who can’t ever tell the truth and is as slimy as they come in business and in his personal life.
I can relate. Mine felt I was too honest and was actually mad at me because I wouldn’t lie in court to get him out of paying a piddly little traffic fine. He harangued me off and on about it for years. Yikes! What giant red flags that these people were amoral trash.
He changed in that regard. Sometime around 2010 or so, he stopped pretending to have much of a moral compass. I suspect hanging out and drinking with sleazy people and mirroring them, as well as using a lot of porn, was what did it. Before that he was mirroring me and at least seemed to have morals, though of course they couldn’t have been heartfelt. None of it was real because he has no identity of his own. I’m convinced that’s a huge problem with cheaters. The lack of a stable self-identity means you can do pretty much anything you feel like doing at the moment and find stupid justifications for it later.
Shit, I already like you, just for that.
I got this too. I was too much of a Boy Scout. I guess I should have been more like Chris Watts?
Ah yes, my morals were a “fantasyland”. “No one believes in monogamy anymore”—while he was texting his sex worker, asking if she was monogamous to him lol. “The world has changed since we got married” as he suggested choking me during sex or using a pizza cutter to “just cut” my skin. Um no. Get out.
I’m anything goes in the bedroom, but pizza cutter??? Creepy. You dodged a bullet.
He called me a “f*cking Jew” who was “constrained by Old Testament morality.” By which he meant that whole “thou shall not commit adultery” thing.
The bizarre thing was that, while neither of us were at all religiously observant, he was Jewish too.
… plus, the actual problem is that he wanted you on board with the “f*cking”. So his *real* objection is that you’re a “anti-f*cking Jew”.
Holy shit.
I was “too intellectual” ( I’d just to graduated from the top university in the country with w degree in political philosophy when we met so shouldn’t have been a surprise). I was “no fun” because I don’t drink whereas with the skank they would drink until they had blackouts. And I was “always ill” – I had anxiety from 20 years of gaslighting and had damaged my physical health going through fertility treatment (when in fact he’d passed on something nasty from the skank which had blocked both my tubes). And he couldn’t understand why, after discovering he’d been cheating for 12 or 14 years of a 15 year marriage, I was just so darned angry.
First ten years of our marriage she did all the household bill paying, budgeting and banking. She had been a bookkeeper before we married. When the kids started school she wanted to start back in college and get a teaching credential. Realizing the new workload she asked me to take over the finances. OK, done. This did not stop her from twice building up 10k in credit card debt.
Post DDay we are attempting a wreckonsillyation and talking to a therapist in her office. “He is so controlling! He took control of our finances away from me.”
“No, you asked me too because you went back to school.”
“That’s not how I remember it.”
“You know that is not how it happened. You cannot just rewrite history.”
“That is just how I remember it.”
Total lie. Therapist told me to be glad she was gone.
I let her take over finances when I took a job with long hours and a commute. Second biggest mistake of my life. When she abandoned us, I started looking at old bank statements, wow, she had been planning this for awhile. She had many accounts and credit cards alone or joint with her family. I had nothing but joint accounts with her. Pure Evil.
I had nothing but joint accounts with my ex, too. In fact, his first credit card was mine–I added him to my account. Then, when we divorced, I found that despite having opened the account myself, and having that credit card for over 30 years, I was unable to remove him from the account. I had to close the account, and the only new one available from that bank had less favorable terms. He, however, had a number of credit cards with only his name on them, which meant I never saw those statements, and therefore didn’t know what he was spending money on or how much he was spending. AND, because after he bitched and moaned about my doing the bills I turned the money management over to him, I didn’t even know how much he was spending, and on what. Only after I’d decided to start getting my ducks in a row did I finally realize I could now go online and look, so I did. What I discovered about his spending went a long way to getting me unstuck about ending the marriage.
I’ve been divorced and managing my own money now for two years, and despite worrying a lot about whether I’d be able to manage financially, I’ve managed to save over 30 thousand dollars. It’s true what other chumps here have said: once you disengage from a fuckwit, you’ll be surprised how much farther your money goes–even when there’s less money coming in.
“All our problems are due to you and your fuck you attitude.” In other words I refused to let him be a little pocket Hitler in our home, especially with my boys.
He didn’t get that to me it was a complement in that I was successfully managing to run interference in his abusive strategy of complete domination.
He wanted to be dictator, I wouldn’t allow it.
Fuck you attitude, oh yeah! Absolutely!
Mine said he stopped seeing his friends because of me. Waitaminute – his friends were the only people we saw. He turned overbearing, condescending and pouty the rare times we saw mine and I had to visit them without him to get any pleasure from it. Over 10 years, some of his friends drifted off until he was left with a core group of heavy drinkers. Oh.
He said, “You’re singing off-key” and then quietly walked away when he heard me singing a lullaby to get the baby back to sleep. I was an exhausted new mom.
Note: He hurled insults like this when he was angry that he wasn’t getting attention/sex. Jealous of a baby!
“You tell people I’m not handy”
Um, then do something? I did all the housework and yardwork and home repairs (I still do because I took the house). I honestly thought it was because he didnt know how. Turns out he was just lazy as fuck.
But the actual reason he gave for cheating was:
“sometimes you’re at work”.
Oh yeah because on top of doing almost everything at home, I also worked full time and put in a bunch of overtime to cover his debts and child support.
“But the actual reason he gave for cheating was:
“sometimes you’re at work”.”
I the reason I got was “you go to sleep early.” Yes, I go to sleep at a reasonable hour because I work full time while cheater worked VERY part time and stayed up all night every night partying and gaming with loser friends. 😀
The dumbest insult was the one that finally woke me up. He told me I was “worthless.” That was so over the top; I knew, even in my cowed state, that that was not true. He even knew he blew it (kibble-wise;) he actually apologized the following morning. Too late. It was the impetus I needed to move forward. And I did.
Good for you????????!!
Yep, sometimes you just can’t walk it back.
The worst thing of all the screaming and insulting my ex did pre Dday, was when his parting shot was “I never loved you, I was never faithful”
He apologized later, and said he only said it to make me hate him, but I accepted it as truth; and it stands today. There is just no flushing that turd.
During the divorce, while trying to negotiate a settlement from a very large asset base, I was told I didn’t deserve half because I never showed any interest in the finances and that I was admittedly frugal. Bullshit. I deserved half and did receive close to half from the prostitute fucker.
I suffered from a night of bad dreams last night. It helps so much to be able to say these things here.
That I “brought nothing to the table” while living with me, in my townhouse in Point Loma, that I bought with my own money and excellent credit, while earning three times what he was making. “If you had been any shorter, I would not have asked you out”, while being a regular height woman of 5’4”. That one killed me – like I just barely nudged out the stable of 5’3” bikini models just DYING to date his wonderfulness. “I made a pros and cons list on you before I asked you to marry me”. Speechless. The red flags were everywhere, and I just didn’t have the self-esteem to realize that I could do waaaay better than this snob born with a silver spoon up his ass. He was also a momma’s boy, and let his mother run roughshod over me, so she did plenty of his dirty work for him. Beware the man who will not only not stand up to his mommy, but allows her mistreatment of you as a further means to chip away at your confidence.
When I was a stay at home mom to two boys: “You are a leech living off of me like a parasite. You contribute nothing.” When I got a job making almost as much as him: “You only work because you don’t want to be a mother.”
Damned if you work outside the house. Damned if you work inside the house.
“Why don’t you lose 30 pounds so that someone can love you?”
“I can easily lose well over 100 pounds in one day, Asshat. See ya.”
????
Oh we can’t win. Fuck their arbitrary criticism. I lost so much weight from all the stress and gaslighting prior to D-Day that I couldn’t legally give blood for a year. Then cheater complained to AP that I was too thin. Of course no proper bimbo thinks this is ever a bad thing and she purged herself down to a crusty strip of rawhide to compete. Dumbass.
After D-Day I managed to gain some weight back but didn’t do it for him. Lies kill and finally getting the truth is better for general health.
Let’s see:
“I don’t pay you to think.” We both graduated law school from a top 25 school (where I went undergrad as well), I had a higher GPA, passed the bar on the first go (he failed twice and stopped trying), and I had a successful career (while he had three year-long periods of unemployment – the first our first year of marriage, the second, the first year of our daughter’s life, and the third right before the first DDay) – I made more money than him and worked a couple of jobs to support us when he was underearning – but he didn’t pay me to think. Sigh!
Another one was “there are different levels of trust – like I can’t trust you to go to the grocery store and get the right items all the time.” This after I discovered that he’d been stalking and filming women with his phone.
Also, “if you just did what I told you to, when wouldn’t have problems” – this statement would happen every time I opted to use my brain and not his.
“I don’t pay you to think.”
My ex, who was passive aggressive, used a version of this: “You just keep thinking, Butch. That’s what you’re good at.” He’d say it in a joking manner, so he could get away with insulting me while maintaining plausible deniability.
And, like you, we had both gotten our PhDs from the same Ivy League school, had exactly the same job, held exactly the same rank, and had exactly the same salary–until I spearheaded a move to get him an award that gave him a one thousand dollar salary boost. Plus, the whole reason the award was put into the base salary and not given as a one time award was that one when I had some years earlier been chair of the university’s policy committee I had argued for doing that.
It never occurred to me until after I’d divorced him that there were a lot of these disguised insults. Humor was just one way he got away with them.
I wondered if it would be possible to chart depth of cheating by frequency of passive-agressive “jokes.”
Mine told my mother, “I tell her what to do, but she just goes and does what she wants to anyway,” as explanation for why he “had to yell ” so much. Gee, if I just did what he told me to, life would have been perfect! I wouldn’t have had to deal with all those nasty temper tantrums and that time he strangled me then dumped me on the highway.
I have a few:
– The retroactive accusation such as in 2008 you said/did this. I usually could not remember these things because they were so long ago, couldn’t remember the context in which I might have said/done such things, so there was no way for me to defend, explain myself or even own my mistake after so long had passed
– “You think differently than I do” (no way, it’s not like we’re 2 different people with different experiences)
– “You’re boring because you like to stay home” (I’m an introvert and always was, I like being at home and spend time by myself, it’s just who I’ve always been and I don’t think I should feel ashamed of it. I’m also creative and have a lot of imaginations and hobbies, I just need some alone time every now and then)
– “Our good times we’re good but didn’t happen often enough” (Looks at phones with tons of pics of our outings with the dogs, pubs, hiking, holidays and supposedly fun times that weren’t good or often enough)
– “You’re a decent mum, but you could do better” after I didn’t remember by heart my teen’s daily sessions at school after he had only restarted 2 weeks before (nevermind that I was a sahm who did 80% of childcare, made sure he did his homework, organised his tutors when needed, made sure he’d go to bed and wake up on time, did his laundry, all dinners, took care of all lunches, spoke to teachers etc, all by myself because my family lives in another country and he travelled for work so he wasn’t around all that often)
– “You never really had a job” nevermind that we both agreed I would be a sahm after we had our child so that my X could work long hours and travel during the week to get the career he wanted, but I also DID work before having our child, but because I didn’t have a fancy corporate job like him apparently it didn’t matter
– “You have trust issues” (this was before finding proof he was cheating but I suspected it, he knew full well that I was right to be sus, so idk how he could say that since his conscience was far from clean)
– “You would never eat what I wanted to eat” (I developed gastritis in the past few years so I was trying to find a balance between what I could eat and digest without feeling terrible afterwards, I have no idea why this should be a reason for resentment)
POP, the Predatory Opportunistic Parasite, was living with me–all expenses paid. In a 7 figure home on 15 acres, with all the amenities one could want. He had access to three luxury vehicles. From all indications, we were in madly in love, yet of course he had a harem. A HAREM. He sought me out to use me in every way possible.
This largess was mostly due to my appropriately generous divorce settlement.
After having to go through the eviction process to finally get him out, POP called me one day and after trying to weedle his way back into my life and being soundly rebuffed, he spat at ME that I was a ‘parasite, living off your ex husband’.
That’s moronic irony if I’ve ever heard it.
I was told that I was controlling, judgmental, etc., for responding harshly his betrayals and abuse. Then he told me it was MY fault that he cheated, because 1) I left lights on when leaving the room; and 2) I didn’t put the dishes in the sink correctly. These were his signs that I didn’t appreciate him sufficiently and so his cheating was justified.
Oh, I too had insufficient dishwasher loading skills. I practically forced her to suck those other dicks!
This made me laugh because I got the exact same complaints. Mine even put motion sensor switches in the bathrooms so when someone showered the lights would go off—and you’d have to wave your hand outside of the shower to get the lights to come back on. So embarrassing to explain to guests. Last weekend I YouTubed how to remove those damn light switches and guess what? I, the useless waste of space, replaced them all.
“You’re so stupid you can’t even talk”, “You’re like a stupid squirrel going around in circles”, “You may find someone after me, but they won’t be as good as me!” “You need to eat…being that skinny won’t win me back” (I was going through hyperthyroidism and didn’t even know it!)
He said I said a lot of ash and uhhm while talking
Sorry, *aah
“You never wanted to FaceTime with my family”
I was often forced to FaceTime with his overbearing, dysfunctional, controlling family. When I got to be around 8-9 months pregnant I would sometimes say I wasn’t in the mood to FaceTime but tell them I say hi. This wasn’t a once a month call but several calls throughout the week. Apparently that was the cardinal sin of the family so I was banished. No loss there. I also called his mom crazy once. No regrets, truth hurts.
“RC hates you” RC being a good friend of mine. Funny how RC invited me to his home for New Years Eve that year and there were only 10 of his closest friends there… hmmmm. We remain friends to this day. The ex… not that I know of…
Mine told me that he couldn’t repair the damage to his ego because I didn’t want him as much anymore. I was called “lazy” and “fat” especially when he thought the house was not clean enough for his standards. Mind you I was working full time, going to nursing school full time, we had two kids and we were in the process of adopting infant twins! His way of helping was washing a load of laundry a day…When he left it didn’t take me long to feel relief!
That’s not the best. The best is “ you MADE me lie”. HUH?!!! I can laugh now..
As we were running together: “If you lost five pounds, running up this hill wouldn’t be so hard for you.” An avid runner, I was in my late 40s and a size 4.
Years later, I ran faster than he. He stopped wanting to run together. But it didn’t stop him from criticizing my body: “You think you have such a nice body, but you don’t.” What? I’m dissatisfied with my appearance like most American women so never thought I had such a nice body.
Looking back, he often criticized my looks. When he tossed out the zinger about my not having a nice body, I said, “That’s mean.” His reply? “I know.”
Wow. You are so much better off without him. No one signs up for mean. Mine never did that, he was super covert. He would say things like, “I can’t live without you.” which was code for, “I can’t be on my own and you can’t leave me alone or I will fake trying to kill myself.”
Yeah probably about 2 months before he discarded me so heavy in the devaluation stage, he asked me what was wrong with my eyebrow? He accused me of tweezing it too much and had gotten an ingrown hair. I replied no -that’s a mole. A mole that has been near my eyebrow for all 20+ years of our relationship. It’s like they try to come up with anything to upset you. ????♀️
Our 18th wedding anniversary was 8 days before D-Day. The card he gave me;
Outside: People ask what it is like to have the most amazing, sexy, perfect spouse…
Inside: I tell them to ask my wife
Card cost $6 and he was unemployed at the time, so I paid for the stupid thing.
My personal favorite: “YOU ARE SUCH A FAKER!!!” Screamed to me across the parking lot as we left church, as he’s in the middle of a (unbeknownst to me) 7 year affair
Finally this: “All you care about is a penis and a paycheck.”
Insult and self-flattery in one.
I wouldn’t let him cook (news to me, and he did cook). Every week I would say what do you guys want to eat this week to which I would get the stock ‘what do you think?’ back response. I sorted all the shopping etc and a large part of the cooking.
However apparently this explains my barrelling dominance, that wouldn’t even let him cook a meal. Once I gather he suggested a meal idea and I chimed I with something like, you know what I have remembered we have that in the fridge to use up (why would he know like he sorts any of it). Just outright proof of my controlling horrible ways. Never said anything about it of course. Pathetic.
And yet when I met someone since (could go through with another relationship I decided) he cooked at least 50% of the time including buying the food and I let him. Surprising that.
There are so many more. Shakes head.
I wouldn’t let him cook (news to me, and he did cook). Every week I would say what do you guys want to eat this week to which I would get the stock ‘what do you think?’ back response. I sorted all the shopping etc and a large part of the cooking.
However apparently this explains my barrelling dominance, that wouldn’t even let him cook a meal. Once I gather he suggested a meal idea and I chimed I with something like, you know what I have remembered we have that in the fridge to use up (why would he know like he sorts any of it). Just outright proof of my controlling horrible ways. Never said anything about it of course. Pathetic.
And yet when I met someone since (could go through with another relationship I decided) he cooked at least 50% of the time including buying the food and I let him. Surprising that.
There are so many more. Shakes head.
I wouldn’t let him pay the bills. Only I did. But he paid them all late. He would let them sit until he got to the due dates and then wait for a payday.
Yeah, I won’t let you crash our financial bus into a bridge abutment.
Boo Hoo – exactly the same here. Kept asking for help, he didn’t want to be involved. Asked him to help more and that one thing (to get a window cleaner and pay for it) never happened in + 2 years. Then once affair was under way he said he was worried about money. So we sat down to talk about it and I thought we had agreed something. He had always had 100% access to a very detailed spreadsheet and bank account. I was away for work and went to get cash to pay for coffee and he’d not paid into joint bank account. Just decided not to. Still won’t actually say what was bothering him though. I can’t deal with people like that. I really can’t.
When I took the kids to McDonald’s when they were little, he asked in his quiet, insulting manner, “Are you trying to kill the kids?”
I will never ever give up my weekly Filet O Fish
with extra cheese. Ever.
I was paying too much attention to our infant/toddler and not to him. He felt left out. I was working 40 hours a week (he was unemployed at the time) and as soon as I got home, I had to be mommy and housewife. He’d immediately leave to go mess around with friends or whoever, and I never got breaks. But I wasn’t paying enough attention to him. Sure. I was exhausted.
Now I pay absolutely no attention to him. We still see each other due to our son and coparenting is fairly good with some strict boundaries. He loves to drop little tidbits like “Don’t use my work email, it won’t work”. He wanted me to ask why, and then pity him for losing his job. I don’t engage. It’s not worth it. He has slowed down on this over the years but grey rock replies have served me well. He just can’t get a rise from me and I don’t have to pay him ANY attention now!
Oh, I left out the best one:
“I can’t wait to wash myself off of you”. Right. Said by someone who was sleeping around with women and men and just whoever wanted to go with him, I’m the one who needs who needs to be fumigated off him.
Him: You’re too fat to fuck now.
Me: Maybe I should go back to smoking?
Him: Yeah, maybe you should.
Mind you, that was after 20 years of his nonstop bitching about my smoking.
I had WLS for mine. Then I had a panniculectomy. Now I am lean and he still cheated. I would have done better to keep my stomach and ditch him back in 2014.
Sorry, I don’t have one today. My job has been cut back losing me $1100 a month. Part of me immediately thought I would have to go back with him. Part of me feels like God is punishing me. All I know is that I am hurting today.
What was the worst he said of me, “You’re scared of everything.” Turns out he was right. I am scared of everything.
Yeah, but you’re still a survivor! You survived being married to a twat and you’ll survive this, too.
You’ll find a new job that pays better, he’ll always be a loser
I’m so sorry this happened to you, Boo Hoo. This is such a rough time to lose your job or have your hours cut back. Just take it one step at a time. You’ll figure it out. Deep breaths!
I’m sorry that’s terrible. What sort of work do you do. I’m in Healthcare and we can’t get enough help. Do you have time for a part time job?
I was told that no one likes me. Not even our daughter. I was boring and did not know how to have fun. She was fun and never bitched. She liked to play pool and was happy all the time. I on the other hand was miserable all the time. Skankella sure had a lot of fun at my expense.
That I was the one who brought up divorce. Apparently I said I was so mad I could divorce him at a random dinner, three years prior, and that his own father overheard it. Of course this wasn’t true, but he used this apparent threat I made to mark the beginning of the end of our marriage and how I shouldn’t be shocked that he was leaving me. Through discovery I found out he was of course cheating and stealing our marital money, but a narcissist needs an excuse for inexcusable behavior.
Oh, I got this one!
During the discard, we discussed and explicitly agreed that (1) XW doesn’t love me anymore, (2) XW is certain she could never love me again, (3) XW will not attempt to fix the marriage through counseling and (4) neither one of wants to maintain a loveless fake marriage “for the sake of the kids”. This was all a very cool, rational exchange. I then said, very tentatively, “well, it sounds like the next step is divorce”.
For two years after, XW’s go-to comment was “You’re the person who first used the word divorce!” As if, by acknowledging the logical outcome of the situation *she* had put us in, I was somehow the person responsible for the situation; as if, by refusing to make those particular sounds with her mouth, she can’t have any blame.
(I was in such deep denial that the affair didn’t even rate as part of the discussion. Not that it would have changed anything.)
As I read all all these posts of cheater-speak, it reminds me of a book I read a few years ago called Death of the Grown-up. It was a great book. These cheaters really fit the theory not that cheating is the most common outcome. I see it in dating profiles also!
My favorite- You’re not adventurous. Really? I have traveled to China and India by myself, booked white water rafting trips, hot air baloon rides, plane rides into the wilderness, got him into hiking and camping, traveling to national parks when he had only been to Kentucky before and I am not adventurous? Even in the bedroom, I would suggest and buy things to help the sex life, but he was so conservatitive, I quit trying. Funny, haven’t heard about any of his adventures lately except going to Gatlinburg. Lame!
We have nothing in common.
Then he went on and on about the things we did have in common.
“You didn’t defend me when your mom was criticizing me.” Funny, I would’ve though a 38yo man that could cut his own food could also stand up for himself.
“You spend more time with our son than me.” Umm… I was raising a newborn and you thought going to the gym together would be romantic.
“Wouldn’t it be great if we fell in love again after the divorce and remarried?” Mic drop… I had nothing to that one except a full acknowledgment to myself that he is a sociopath.
Similar, She proposed we stay married, and when she was done finding herself (in other men’s pants) maybe we could take a third honeymoon in Bermuda! I said let’s get divorced now, we can always remarry later if we were meant to be, not.
While I was crying because I’d discovered he was cheating (again), he told me that I was being cruel and abusive to him by crying. “A real woman would have been over it in 20 minutes”.
Mine expected me to just get over it as well. I remember once very early on when I found out, literally crying on the floors, watching my life collapse and coming to terms with all the lies I had been told for years, and he told me “that he really didn’t have time to deal with this” and that he would leave if I didn’t stop crying. And I did, I stopped crying and apologised. Idk why, I suppose I was just scared of him going away.
Now he denies ever saying that.
Yep. He pointed out that my crying was just my “insane jealousy”, and that until I admitted I had a jealousy problem and got help for it we weren’t going to make it.
This.
We were having dinner at an outdoor patio and he was staring at a table of girls 20 feet away. I mean staring for almost 10 minutes with his head turned and ignoring me. I finally said “since you’re staring at those girls so hard why don’t you go ask them out”. He got IN my face, literally, and yelled “I am so sick of your insane jealously and extreme insecurity” and stomped off in front of a bar full of people. I’m surprised I got a ride home. This was nearing the end as I was done with the Narc behaviors, I wouldn’t have said anything earlier in the relationship. I just took it. BTW, after I started standing up for myself, it went downhill quickly and he dumped me for the person I suspected he was seeing on the side that he vehemently denied anything was going on.
“We were having dinner at an outdoor patio and he was staring at a table of girls 20 feet away. I mean staring for almost 10 minutes with his head turned and ignoring me. I finally said “since you’re staring at those girls so hard why don’t you go ask them out”.
SNAP. So disrespectful
I had an boyfriend once who declared that I was crying ‘in order to make him feel guilty’. No recognition that I was crying because I was upset and hurt and actually, he SHOULD feel guilty, not because I was crying but because of what he’d done that led to my upset.
I was very young then, but even so I recognized that was messed up.
About a week after the most recent DD I was crying alone in my closet just off the master bath while he was downstairs of our large house. He came into the bathroom and saw me and screamed “Stop crying!! You KNOW it fucking pisses me off!”
Whenever the subject of my ex husband’s numerous infidelities comes up, somehow he manages to make the conversation about my addiction that he claims is equally responsible for the demise of our marriage. What is my addiction? He says I am on my phone too much. He cheated on me with at least 8 other women, had a love child that he kept secret for two years and smoked a lot of weed every day but yeah, joining an anonymous online support group and running a non profit on my phone is totes the same. It just makes my eyes roll into the back of my head when he starts going off about “what about YOUR addiction?” Ugh
He was really so lame in our verbal confrontations, like a Swiss Army Knife against a Samurai Sword.
The worst he could do was to call me a Whore when I began dating after he finally moved out.
Oh, the hilarious irony of calling your 25yrs faithful (stbx) wife a whore after betraying her with the real McCoys.
The second it slipped his lips he knew he’d made a BIG mistake.
“I had to talk to other women because you were too busy taking care of your health.”
Oh, I see. …As if HE weren’t the one I was trying to get healthy FOR.. !
It’s all about the tone. I think the charge that I’m “intelligent” came up the most in the DARVO stage before D-Day. And, from the caustic tone, apparently this wasn’t a good thing!
But after D-Day when I told him to fuck off and go back to twatwaffle (and some other really erodite stuff), he said even if he’d been single, he could never in a million years imagine being with such a person because, all in all, too stupid.
I thought he must be searching for Schrodinger’s Bimbo, who hovers in a quantum superposition between “smart as a whip” and “dumber than a bag of hammers.” One cannot know which unless one opens the box to either find her covered in drool and bingeing on One Tree Hill or reading Kierkegaard in Danish.
There is a certain class of men who don’t want stupid but also don’t want smarter then them because baby’s ego can’t deal with it.
I think my ex was like this.
Kim-
Or smart but well trained from infancy on how to be around cheaters like poor Jackie O, whose father used to confide about his exploits to her as a child.
Seems I lacked “education” after all.
Well Kim, we must have married the same Asshole.
Schrodinger’s Bimbo wins the Internet today — just brill !
“Schrodinger’s Bimbo, who hovers in a quantum superposition between “smart as a whip” and “dumber than a bag of hammers.” One cannot know which unless one opens the box to either find her covered in drool and bingeing on One Tree Hill or reading Kierkegaard in Danish.”
????????????
My ex and I are both runners and he used to like to lecture me on how I was training wrong.
This is funny because I competed in high school and college and actually have a junior Olympic gold medal, and now in my 40’s I own my age group, often win masters, and sometimes still win women’s overall in local races.
And i rarely injure myself.
So I’m pretty sure I know how to train.
He took up running at age 40 and is reasonably good but gets injured all the time because he doesn’t know what he’s doing and still thinks he’s 20 years younger then he is.
And yes, I’m faster then him.
But I’m the one doing it wrong.
Ok then….enjoy your chubby whore. He really needs to feel superior to stroke his ego. The ego is why at 65 he still wears a shitty black toupee….the rest of him is gray but the toupee is jet black. Lol.
‘Give me back the last 10 years of my life you stole from me’. He was 30 me 25 when we met. We got married (he asked me) bought 2 houses (we’ve both always worked=well paying jobs) and had a son (we both wanted a child) went on several nice vacations (he did enjoy them!). Doesn’t sound like I stole the 10 years from him, nor were they so miserable.
“I cheated because you were not perfect” This was said to me during a heated discussion about me complaining about his behavior. I think he was just blame shifting
He said I’m too perfect.
Mine was “Your parents got divorced when you were a teenager. You’re damaged from that.”
Gee, thanks.
My other favorite (see comment above):
“You’re so smart, I NEVER win an argument with you!!”
I guess she would’ve never cheated if I’d been stupid.
She said she never could think of anything to counter what I said, and that it was “intimidating.”
I refrained from pointing out what that would’ve said about her…. ????
Geez! There were so many…
These are from my first ex and sumo wrestler next door neighbor sidepiece:
– You’re fat! (I was healthy and a size 2…sumo wrestler next door neighbor sidepiece was much larger – I found her size 14 leopard print underwear in my couch)
– Your legs look like they’ve been beaten with a bag of quarters (Funny thing was, I had a little patch of cellulite under my butt…sumo wrestler next door neighbor sidepiece though was a different story, it was everywhere) Side-note, I absolutely loathe body shaming! When I was younger I was overweight so I understand how hurtful it is when people comment on your body. Now, I keep my weight down due to knee issues. I don’t body shame others but will most definitely body shame her because she made me and my kids lives a living hell!
– You’re ugly! Everything about you is ugly….your face, your heart, your legs, your actions!
– You’re YOU! You’re to pretty (I thought that’s interesting because not just 10 minutes ago he just called me ugly), you’re to smart, you’re to funny, people like YOU….I need to find ME!
– You’re a prude because you won’t have a threesome with her and I.
– You’re a whore! (Interesting because he just called me a prude but now I’m a whore)
– The dog likes YOU!
– You need to work more jobs and bring in more money for this family…..you can’t even do that! (I was working 3 jobs averaging 22 hours a day….mind you there are only 24 hrs in a day and getting around 2 hours of sleep a night. I did that fucked up routine for 5 fucking years after the 08’ bust while his ass had 1 job, took vacations while I stayed home-working, wouldn’t clean the house or help with the kids. On our 10th wedding anniversary he demanded I take up a 4th job and I lost my shit! I was doing real estate in the morning, waiting tables during the dinner shift and coming home and drawing architecture plans when I got home….he didn’t want me being a mom, a wife or being around at all! Instead he was using the money I brought in to take care of our family to take sumo wrestler next door neighbor sidepiece to dinner with our kids and go on vacations “alone”.
– You need to be more like “her” or Lindsey or Sara or anyone but YOU!
– You don’t read enough (I was like when the fuck do I have time to read? I work 3 fucking jobs and sleep for 2 hours…..I don’t even have time to be a mom).
These are from my second ex (he is 52) and the suicidal 24 yr old nanny sidepiece:
– Your legs are out of proportion. (As in they weren’t long enough)
– Her body just snaps back into place.
– She needs my help! You can take care of yourself.
– She is a nice person and a good person….she hopes that you can be friends with her one day. (This is after she cut herself and threatened to commit suicide)
– She loves the boys! (He has twins that are now 3) What about them?
– We (talking about him and her) are family.
– She’s a Godly woman! Why can’t you be Godly too? (Funny, I’m the one who got him back to church and she admitted to being a devil worshiper).
There are more but after writing these out is a good reminder of why I’m out and thankful for working on myself, setting boundaries and staying away from toxicity. Hugs CL nation????
Honestly, they were all really dumb. The topper was that she didn’t understand why, when she “offered” me an open marriage, I responded with divorce papers. “But I gave it to you on a silver platter.” That platter’s been passed around too many times foe me to touch it.
Good news: lawyer says this should be wrapped up soon and we’ll get a decree first week of January.
I was told I was a controlling and abusive. And in the next breath I was told I needed to stop being a martyr.
Lol.
Sounds like my FW at our one counseling session with our preacher. In one breath, I have always tried to get Susie to be more independent, in the next literal breath, I (speaking of himself) am a controller and I won’t change that.
Now I ask you how is it that he has always tried to get me to be more independent, while at the same time admitting he is a controller and that won’t change.
I just said to preacher, thank you for your time, we are done here.
For the record, I had no trouble being independent as soon as the divorce was granted. I mean “is it supposed to be hard?”
When I emailed both him and the affair partner a picture of our kids and said, “Just wanted you both to see the family you are blowing up,” he emailed me back and said “Stop. You are a better person than this.”
Better than whom? The cheaters, or the people calling out cheaters? lol. He was smug in the beginning, until people started finding out…then he was just angry and told me how nasty I am.
Hmmm, come to think of it, he called me a nasty woman. Sound familiar?
#narcissistsareallthesame
Cheater said: ” You would really like her, ( ow). She’s a lot like you.”
WTF are they thinking when they say shit like this? Like they found a cute puppy & just know we’ll love it if we’ll just let ’em bring it home.
“Think I like crab cakes for Thanksgiving? Well, asshat himself bought the meat & made the crabcakes as an appetizer. It was his idea. Dday was the day after Christmas that same year so clearly this had had his entitlement juices stewing for a few weeks.
The Worm had a PhD in DARVO. He choked me, punched me, picked me up and threw me into a wall but called me abusive.
Complained that I was too thin, bought me a Fitbit for Christmas. Was a hoarder but yelled that I wouldn’t “clean his stuff without touching it”.
Constantly implied that I was cheating on him, we all know the truth there. Oh and my mother never liked him.
Wormfree, your post reminded me of one I forgot “you are the only woman I ever hit – you can call my old girlfriends and ask them”
Gosh Chumperella, that must’ve made you feel special! /s
When I asked that we go to counseling because we were not intimate anymore, he says “I can’t believe it’s all about sex for you!” He was the one having sex with stripper, prostitute, young girl, and addicted to porn.
Crazy-making projection
You should read the Passive, Aggressive, Covert Narcissist book that keeps getting recommended here. There’s a good chapter on sex.
You have trust issues – after cheating on me our entire relationship.
You don’t share your money with me – after giving him a car, him living in a home I bought, paid for, furnished and maintained and paying for numerous vacations for us both.
You’re lazy – Because I made nearly double what he made working a third of the hours, he was insistent I should work 40 hours a week – why exactly???
Your kids come first – oh sure, let me back burner the kids for a cheating lying asshole.
You’re abusive – because I wouldn’t let him gaslight and blame me. I was so careful to never name-call or attack his character – while he called me every name in the book.
I’m the best man you’ve ever been involved with – after cheating on me for our entire marriage and then verbally and emotionally abusing me when he got caught!! He’s literal the worst human I’ve ever known.
You aren’t attracted to me – after begging him for sex he couldn’t have because he’d had his fill with hookers and porn everyday.
Basically it comes down to: “Since you aren’t perfect in a shape-shifting, mind-reading way, I had to cheat.”
“I never lie and hate people that lie, but you make me lie”
Although my ex hasn’t said this to me, it’s probably what he thinks.
“I Only Lied About One Thing. Well, yes, I lied every day for 2 1/2 years. But I had to because you would have gotten angry.”
Mine said the same after 10 months of deception. It was only one lie.
I was too liberal in my politics and I am not strong enough spiritually. After 20 years, he needed to get back to his “conservative family values” – with a 37 year old co-worker who was married with 2 little kids. She was also pregnant to him at the time- they chose to terminate. But in the end, he let me know that “God brought them together. She eventually went back to her husband- probably couldn’t handle my ex’s abusive behaviors. He then quickly married the first woman willing to support him (he lose his job).
What a gem he is!
Ooooo…. I want to play this game! I’ve got a good one!
The EX’s big insult for me was that I am not American enough. A couple of things to note:
1. Yes, I was raised in Asia, a fact he knew very well when he married me, as I was practically “fresh off the boat” when we started dating, and I had to ask him things like what sales tax was.
2. He didn’t arrive in the USA until he was 17 years old. Yep, born and raised in Mexico he was, and his parents were Dutch. But he was older than me, so he had a few more years in the USA, which in his mind, made him vastly superior.
When I left him, he claimed he was going to decorate the house with American flags to celebrate that I was gone. My daughters said, “Mom, he’s a racist asshole.”
PS I want to add one more irony about this, and I’m hesitant because it doesn’t really matter. Even if I was 1000% Asian, he was just being an asshole about it. But to demonstrate the tremendous irony….
I’m a US citizen by birth. I was raised in Asia…. because my father was a contractor for the US military.
Carol39 that is completely ironic.
Carol39– WTF.
Is he like Dr. Strangelove, prone to doing the Nazi salute in his sleep?
You didn’t go through a divorce so much as an exorcism. That is really, really scary.
OMG the Dr. Strangelove reference!
Carol, you have a very smart daughter. He *is* a racist asshole.
As for your ex, I’m so glad you escaped that nut job. Talk about Ugly American!
Thanks. Yes, it did feel like an exorcism. We’ve cheered up a lot not having him around. And I still just don’t even understand his problem–why he would get so angry because I taught our kids to read another language as well as English, for example. How is it bad to be able to read more than one language? And why would he get so mad if I fed the kids rice?
But narcissists hate anything different than themselves, and they are loathe to learn anything, because learning is work and it suggests they don’t know everything already. It’s easier for them just to proclaim that it is all stupid and that you are stupid for understanding it.
Throughout our whole marriage, he kept trying to make me say that I hated growing up in Asia and always wish I had grown up in the USA. But that’s not how I feel. I remember mornings waiting for the train to school, and a dear old lady bringing me a bowl of kimchi soup to stay warm. I remember the mist on the mountains near Soyosan and the smell of incense from the Buddhist temple. I remember the time I got lost, and a shopkeeper closed down his whole store to take me to the bus stop and wait with me there to make sure I got safely home. I’m not going to call those people stupid or say I think I’m better. And I’m not sorry I met them.
If he doesn’t understand that, then I feel sorry for him. It must be boring being trapped so far inside yourself you can’t appreciate anyone else.
What sweet memories of people in your community looking out for you !
Guess he couldn’t imagine being so kind
Carol39, my ex was the other way around:
–“You aren’t Irish enough”. He’s an Irish immigrant (green card holder) living in the US. I am American born, dual Irish citizen who lived there only for a few years, but traveled there often for work/family. I only had a few family members there, but his entire family were all there. His mother didn’t like me because I was ‘too American’ for her taste, so for 34 years, strained politeness was the total sum of my relationship with her. He NEVER accused me of not being Irish enough until the laundry list of dday insults began.
And yes, the ironies…
I spent more time in Ireland throughout our life together than he did–about triple the amount.
I only left the country because HE wanted to live in the US
For years, I asked for us to move back and be based there again-he refused. Said he had zero interest in ever living there again.
Where did he go when we split? Uh huh, Ireland. Though, I heard he came back to the US after only a year. His mother died so his cushy, no bills, no responsibility place to live went *poof*.
That it was ok now , he did the marriage thing , had some kids , now it was his time to get on to bigger and better things , he wants excitement , spontaneous He wants a woman who adores him , He trued telling me the line about he didn’t want to be with me before and doesn’t want to be with me now , or the one he didn’t love me from day one of our marriage and doesn’t love me now , Mainly he cheated cause he thought he could , cause that’s what he wanted to do , and him being the selfish person he is he thought it was just like ok. He said he won me , so he should be able to have who ever he wants s now I laughed and said have at it????
The very-cliche (and I always said I’d find a t-shirt that says it):
“I love you, but I’m not in love with you.”
I can’t imagine telling my kids “I love you,” but implying something different. So, for her to have said that made me realize that she was a lost cause.
Also: “You never changed.” That is such an ambigous statement, I don’t even want to provide a response.
Both of these!
I think these, and possibly all, come under the broad banner of “you made me do it”.
After discovery the others I remember her saying are “you worked from home” (which meant I could do most of the parenting, but got in the way of daytime liaisons);
“you’re a bad husband” (no articulation of why that might be the case – she wanted for nothing); and
“I have lots of men interested in me” – like I had failed to miss her ad for EOI or she had simply lost track of her hook-ups or rankings thereof. Turns out she was running a book of men with her tribe of enablers / conspirators.
“You made me do it because (insert insult / random thought here)” Then try to remember which insert / random thought you provided to other people / Switzerlands. If all else fails the ILYBINILWY or just plain unhappy will suffice.
I was a shit wife with a victim mentality – this humdinger was dished out when I pointed out that he was a shit husband who couldn’t keep his dick in his pants.
I also didn’t read intelligent books. I was in the middle of writing my thesis in clinical research.
I didn’t lose my baby weight quickly enough – I ran a half marathon 7 months after my first was born. I’m fit and healthy.
I was a crap shag – he still sniffs around me now telling me he misses our sex life (which was great).
Can I give you some advice for future relationships moving forwards? – I replied ‘no you may not’. And left it at that.
The list is endless. I used to run around in circles trying to understand and modify myself.
Now only 6 months later, I roll my eyes
He was forced to cheat and look for someone who would really love him #soulmate#6 because I was so cold.
As I look at photo after photo where I am trying to connect and he is ignoring me. Petting the dog is preferable to showing me affection.
Even the kids scoffed at this one.
You worry too much – yeup might have been about those occasional blaming rages.
You’re too sensitive – narc off! and now no contact 🙂
“It’s not what you’re saying it’s how you’re saying it.” (Usually followed by indignant nuclear rage).
This was when I’d ask him where he’d been (out living multiple double lives as it turned out), if he could do some DIY, if he could give me a break and mind the kids while I had a walk or went to the gym, if he could get dinner ready to give me a break…etcetera etcetera ad infinitum.
So I’d practice how I asked and said things. Practice practice practice. Still not getting it right. Eventually my game got so good at talking to him in a way he couldn’t deny was reasonable and fair, it turned into…
“Ok it’s not how you’re saying it then it’s how you look when you’re saying it.”
So then I’d practice in the mirror. And practice and practice some more. Still couldn’t look the right way when I talked to my husband. Never did ????
At this point I started to get similar feedback from someone I worked with. Others witnessed how unreasonable this was (unlike at home where I was isolated), and I did a whole lot of work with support from my manager on dealing with it. I realised this guy at work was a narcissist and had that wake up moment realising my husband was too. I left my husband ultimately after a work incident that changed my whole view of angry controlling men.
Imagine my surprise a year or so after leaving when I read Lundy Bancrofts “Why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry controlling men.” And I came across a chapter that word for word spelled out this scenario. I think he may even have used the “how you look when you say it” line after going into the “how you say it” phenomenon!
Turns out this was a signature move!
Needless to say I don’t waste hours and hours practicing how I talk to people anymore (at work or at home). It’s quite refreshing. Fuck them!
*I can get hard for anyone but you* explaining his new impotence
*I fucked up but you have to admit your part in this* (his wandering dick is my fault, naturally)
*we didn’t have a vanilla marriage* uh huh
*you’re a terrible mother* I was clearly an acceptable mother when he needed to go fuck schmoops of course.
“*I fucked up but you have to admit your part in this* (his wandering dick is my fault, naturally)”
I got this—word for word.
He told me that he did EVERYTHING to save our marriage and it was 100% my fault that I didn’t want to work on it, so the blame for our marriage exploding was on me. This after I spent over 5 years begging him to see a therapist, get help for his “depression” and financial issues and to please communicate with me and stop shutting me out, (I hadn’t yet gotten proof of the cheating and numerous Facebook profiles under fake names) while I was single handedly raising 2 young children and was forced to go back to work full time because we never had any money even though he makes 6 figures.
There are so many other dumb things he said, but that one in particular is the dumbest. Flash forward 5 years, and all his shmoopies have dumped him, he is drowning in debt and his mommy is supporting him.
My insults were:
You have no moral compass
You are sensitive
You are controlling
You have anger management issues
You are insecure
You are impatient
You are anxious
You aren’t good with money
You’re too vanilla
You don’t know how to make a logical argument
You don’t play with a straight bat
You have an immature “high school” view of relationships
Your whole family is unattractive
You are a poor communicator
You are to blame for the break up
You use our daughter for your emotional support
The list goes on…
On D-Day#1: Why did you have to make this so hard on me?!”
STBX and I are both doctors, but I stopped working 14 years ago to be a home mom (it had to be done, he was never home). Married 24 years when I found out he was in a long-term affair with a young nurse. During the blowout, he complained, “Unlike you, she follows my orders.” OMG. Where do I begin! That is literally the job of a nurse!
Also the job of a wife, according to that sexist wanker.
He can blow it out his ass.
“Feminazi” (I’ll take that as a compliment)
“You sucked as a partner” (even though he’d probably be dead if I didn’t keep him fed – by the spoonful – as well as hydrated during his brutal oral cancer treatment because Mr Macho refused the oncologist recommended feeding tube insertion prior to treatment)
Mine accused me of losing 60 lbs. “behind his back”.
Not my fault you never looked at me, Asshat.
That’s hilarious! I literally laughed out loud!
Haha, omg this is really funny.
“I don’t want to grow old with you.” (Literally a week after telling me he was not happy but months before I discovered the affair.) “Our relationship is toxic for me.”(We never fought.) “You never liked my family.” (He never called his family.) After discovering the affair (which he lied abt multiple times) “We are just friends.” (No one talks on the phone with a “friend” more than their wife.)
After asking if they had been intimate “What I do in my personal life is none of your business. (Still married and living in the same house AND I was asking about the last 9 months during the affair.) Our marriage has been over for a long time.” (He failed to mention there was a problem – I should have noticed.) “We never met at the house.” I never asked that question.
Ex said that his sister told him I was keeping him from reaching his full potential. I kept a roof over his head, food on the table, and clothes on his back. I kept him alive and out of prison. Yes, indeed, I was keeping him from his full potential for self-destruction.
I was told he couldn’t get anywhere with me. This was weeks after my refusal to buy a multi family home.
Comparatively speaking, since I divorced him I have savings, 403b, pensions, and a new car.
He told me he was downsizing. Mission accomplished with Nanthony and his shrinkage.
He said he’s doing everything with her he wanted to do with me. Nah, I didn’t want to sit in the house getting stoned, drunk and watch tv, and pretend orgasm.
“A far as all these years, I don’t think you considered even one time the way you made me feel” in response to my “I’m not the one who spent our entire marriage looking outside of it on the internet.”
“You’re not a good wife.”
Said while he was balls deep in his affair. Classic projection. I wasn’t a good wife because I refused to be his obedient slave and let him do whatever he wanted to me whether I liked it or not, whether it did harm to me or not. Evil fucker.
“You didn’t do enough activities.”
Funny, I remember inviting him to do lots of fun, healthy outdoor activities (biking, hiking, snowshoeing, swimming, etc.) and being routinely turned down, so I went alone. I was almost always alone because Goober would rather sit on his ass. I also planned every date because he was too lazy and apathetic to bother. What he actually meant was not about activities. It was really “You don’t get stinking drunk and party like a teenager like OW does.” These idiots never left high school.
Speaking of dates, the passive aggressive, nasty little shit once told me while we were in a nice restaurant, and seemingly having a lovely time, that I shouldn’t wear the blouse I had on because it emphasized that my tits are small. Ah, such romance! I told him; “Why should I try to hide it? I like them just they way they are.” He just nodded noncommittaly, because how could he argue with that other than to be overtly cruel. He didn’t dare at that point. The overt cruelty came after the discard. Looking back, ruining dates by being an asshole wasn’t uncommon and was a harbinger of what was to come. I should have walked out on him then and there. If we only knew then what we know now.
I wore that shirt more often after that. I’m sure it drove him to cheat. ????
Naturally, I got “controlling”, too. Don’t we all? Another projection. A cheater is controlling the direction of your life through their lies, making unilateral decisions about your marriage, and they dare to call us controlling because we expect to be treated with respect.
Another time he ruined an evening out with the family by being enraged that I wouldn’t change seats in the middle of he film. He was sitting a row behind since there were limited seats, and I was sitting with my daughter. A seat opened up next to him and he kept tapping me on the shoulder, whispering, and generally being a nuisance to everybody. I wouldn’t disturb people by moving, or upset my daughter by leaving her (she has social anxiety). This was a terrible insult, according to the man who was cheating on me at the time and planning to leave me. He bitched and seethed with volcanic rage for hours, if not days. Totally out of proportion. “YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO SIT WITH YOUR HUSBAND! YOU ARE RUDE AND INCONSIDERATE AND RUINED THE MOVIE FOR ME!” he bellowed. Never mind the fact that he was a totally shit husband, didn’t even want to be my husband anymore and was plotting his escape. Such disgusting hypocrisy. They invent reasons to be angry to excuse their horrid conduct.
Oh, I forgot the worst one. He maliciously, cruelly made the ridiculous accusation that our daughter’s mental health problems were my fault. My daughter tells a different story. She says I literally saved her life multiple times when she was suicidal and that I was instrumental in her recovery. What was he doing while this was going on? What did he do to help her recover? You guessed it- nothing.
OHFFS! I can so identify with this story. If I didn’t sit next to him or gave too much attention to the kids or others, there was hell to pay. At our niece’s wedding, I danced with my sister. This threw him into a rage. He actually stomped off and had a tantrum in the parking lot. We finally returned to the actual wedding, but his silent rage effectively ruined the entire evening.
He also used to complain that I slept too far from him in bed. I explained that I was asleep so didn’t hug the edge of my side of the bed consciously (but perhaps my unconscious was probably trying to tell me something). Anyway, in a pathetic attempt to right this terrible wrong, I draped my arm around him as I was falling asleep. He said, “I can’t sleep this way.”
No win!
Yep, that sounds typical. They set it up so they can’t possibly be pleased no matter what we do. It’s a deliberate part of their mindfuckery.
Mine was even jealous of the attention I gave the dog! But any loving attention I paid to him seemed to either have little to no effect or cause him to withdraw further. The only way to win their stupid game is not to play. They absolutely hate when you stop responding to their manipulations and go NC or greyrock. It means they lose and they can’t stand losing.
He lost a lot indeed (kids, grandchild) but he did gain this woman. I don’t know. Sometimes I think he just transferred all that control shit and need for attention to her so maybe NC doesn’t bother him that much.
I remember one text exchange in the end. He had to come to the house we were trying to sell to clean out his stuff. We agreed he could be there for a set time, and I would leave. Previously I was insistent that he not bring her to the house. It just bothered me so much knowing how much she’d been there and that they seemed to have had sex on every damn surface.
But this time, I had already packed up all of my stuff and was living with my sister. He asked if he could bring the OW because he could get more done. I responded, “I don’t care what you two do or where you go.” His responded angrily, clearly pissed that I no longer cared.
Then obviously it does bother him that he’s no longer central to you. But if you are NC you’re never going to see him seethe with rage about it. But yeah, she’s now taking all his shit in your place, and being a self centered OW, is nowhere near as as forgiving and kind as you were. They’re miserable and it serves them right. Cheater relationships always suck, no matter what fake twu wuv crap they put on social media. Cheaters have extremely frustrating lives without chumps to abuse and take their self imposed unhappiness out on. Plus, without dirty little secrets and triangulation, there is no more thrill with schmoopie, because that’s all it ever was based on. Expect him to try to circle back to you at some point, either to attempt to cheat with you, or because schmoopie dumped him. Your non-response will make him livid. ????
Oh, and OHFFS,
I remember another time he got angry that I didn’t save him a seat for our teenage daughter’s concert. She had a solo, so it was a big deal for her.
What he didn’t know when he arrived late for this particular concert was that I’d tried to save a seat but could barely find two free ones for my daughter and me. She’d just broken her collar bone (in a hockey game), so there was the added concern that she might get squished by people as the scrambled to find seats.
The asshole arrived late, saw I hadn’t saved a seat, got the most pissed-off look on his face, and left. Yes, he left the auditorium even though many other parents were standing in the aisles, even though his daughter had a solo, even though his other daughter, who was in pain from a broken collar bone, was there.
He assumed I’d forgotten to save him a seat and didn’t give me the benefit of the doubt. Instead, he stomped out.
Side note: Even if I had forgotten to save a seat, who cares? Normal people would not get so pissed off. And yet I clung to my really good excuse. **But I shouldn’t have needed a really good excuse.** That is just another of a zillion examples of how I catered to that man and failed to recognize just how abnormal things were.
Second side note: if it had it been a hockey game, he would have stayed.
It reminds me of that Matthew Broderick movie from the 1980s, Wargames. In which the computer realizes that nuclear war is a strange game, and the only winning move is to not play.
Cheaters = nuclear war. The only winning move is not to play.
There are just so many to chose from …. all courtesy of Ex-Mrs LFTT
“We have to get divorced, as you are too emotionally immature to make an open marriage work.” Delivered after literally swearing on her father’s grave that she had not been cheating …. just after she was comprehensively busted for cheating.
“You are a lousy host because you don’t drink. I am embarrassed to bring my friends round because you don’t know how fast drinkers drink, you are too slow to top up peoples’ glasses and when you do you look like you are judging them.” Plot spoiler; I am tee total by choice,. She is a drunk and a nasty drunk at that.
“You are terrible with money; that’s why I have to manage the family finances.” Another plot spoiler; my first degree is in Economics …… and the reason that we had a problem (a f*cking big problem as it turns out) is that I trusted her not to steal from me and the kids. Foolish of me now I look back.
“You are a bully.” Delivered pretty much every time I ever enforced a boundary or said “No” to her.
Now 5 1/2 years since D-Day, 5 years since separation and 3 1/2 years since divorce finalised. Have not missed her once, not even for a second.
Mine was also a drunk who resented me not drinking and considered me an embarrassment to him because of it. He and his buddies used to make mean-spirited “jokes” about me being a drag and a buzzkill because I didn’t drink, and probably even worse than that, though the fuckwit would never admit it. So the bastard recruited other, equally scummy losers for peer support in mistreating me. They were mistreating their wives as well. Quite the hateful little circle jerk they had going.
Your ex sounds like an evil bitch from the deepest bowels of hell. Good thing you’re out of that!
OHFFS,
Ex-Mrs LFTT was and still is a toxic b*tch. She now lives with her ex-boyfriend AP; he is twice divorced, broke and drunk … and now he has her as well. He is f*cking welcome to her.
The important thing though is not that I got out …. it’s that I got our 3 kids (then 18, 16 and 11) out with me. That I lost a chunk of my pension and pretty much all of the capital in the house we owned was a small price to pay.
Every day is just that little bit brighter than the last.
LFTT
That’s fantastic! I’m so glad the kids are away from her bullshit and her drunken boyfriend shitshow. A shame you had to lose money on the deal, but as you say, well worth it.
I’m happy to say I got most of the assets, as I certainly earned them. Dick Willing has lost his house, his car, his wife, his AP, and the love of his adult children.
Sometimes the good guys do win.????
I don’t look at the money as a loss. It was an assh*ole tax; I married an assh*le and the settlement was the price of getting out. Not having to deal with her BS on a daily basis (and creating a healthier living environment for the kids) was worth every penny.
As regards “winning” it was always about playing the long game. I left the marriage with over £25K debt, but got promoted at work shortly after the divorce was finalised (she hated that). By working hard and living carefully for the last 5 years, I’ll have saved enough to get back on the property ladder this time next year and have also managed to support the eldest two through university (they are now both working). Youngest one should hopefully to Uni go in a couple of years time, and I’ll support that too.
Now that looks like success to me.
My stbxw used her father’s grave as an excuse too!
She said she was going to visit his grave on father’s day(leaving me alone with the kid). I knew that was bullshit, tracked her phone, then recorded her saying “I love you” to another man when she was at a different location.
*Shakes head forever*
Her father was a cheater who lied about it too. I guess it makes sense when you consider it some form of twisted homage.
[Barf]
I rarely drink or stay at parties all night long.
Never smoke cigarettes or pot.
Not a fan of junk food or 20 gallons of soda
Tried to exercised 3 to 5 times per week
“You are TOO healthy”…
Not an insult but I guess he would look up abuse terminology and shit and one day I said my coworkers would probably feel uncomfortable around him. He asked why. I said “well… of course they would I mean… a lot of people wouldn’t put up with this (cheating on me several times)”. He brought that up later implying i was belittling him.
On Dday1, I was told:
– you’re too much of a yes-man
– you’re good at giving gifts and being thoughtful but you don’t really care about me
– you say “I love you” so much that it doesn’t mean anything anymore
On Dday2, I was told:
– I don’t mean to compare or anything, but Schmoopie gave me a birthday gift that even you would not have ever given me (When I asked what it was, my ex said “she baked me a cake” – Note: I had taken my ex on a surprise trip to Prague for her birthday where I announced it to her by wrapping myself in gift wrapping paper wearing a T-shirt underneath that said “Pack your bags, I’m taking you to Prague!!”) MAJOR EYE ROLL
So many things I could say. He said our then 16 year old daughter told him to divorce me. She disowned him after he left so yes this is what she wanted.
When I unearthed exH’s cheating he said ” I should have known you’d find out – you could sniff out a Mars bar (UK type of candy) under ten ton of sh!t”
Maybe that was a backhanded compliment?
Omg. Why, yes, I would take that as a compliment.
So it’s your fault that you have good instincts. SMH!
After a heated exchange I said something to the effect of “”you know 2 can play this game !” She looked me up and down and said “look at you , who would want you ? ” Yes I had put on a pound or two those first 7 years . When it became widely known that we were on the rocks 3 of my old girlfriends a 2 of her friends approached me about going out ( romantically ) . I don’t understand why but when she found out she was furious
Telling you that you were worthless and undesirable probably made her feel superior, so to find out at least 5 people disagreed with her superior opinions… The insult backfired on her in the most ironic (and best) way it could have!
He told me he cheated because I was on Facebook too much and had so many on-line relationships.
I didn’t wear dresses enough…was one of them.
“You put up too many Christmas decorations” was one. The other was I was “too negative” because I insisted we actually pay the bills instead of hoping positive intentions would pay them off. Okayyyyyy…but also bye
Oh also I found his list of my attributes he made for his therapist. It had two things: Good mom and organized. Not technically an insult but stung just the same that those were the only two positive things he could manage to eke out after 14 years but he acted like he’d really given me something. Thanks?
“YOU just were not ever going to let it go”
Hell I let it go for 3 decades … until I didn’t! There were so many other f’d up comments from him I just choose to forget them (or Let.Them.Go)
His comment (said in a contrived voice meant to convey his pain and agony):
“If it doesn’t work out with her, I will come back and beg for your forgiveness as well as that of all our friends and family.”
At the height of my pick-me polka, I took this to be a sign of hope. Pathetic. If my rage & anger at the total injustice of my life being blown up had just kicked in a few days earlier when this comment was made, you would have been reading about me on the front page of the paper.
Timing is everything right?
Seriously though, they really do over estimate their lasting value to us.
My FWs version was, “if you love something let it go, and if it is meant to be yours, it will come back” Fucking, arrogant, asshole.
When he circled back his warranty had expired. Go fuck yourself and schmoopie asshole.
I’ve written this before here, but mine asked if we could “get back together in, say, 3 years.”
Delusional and narcissistic! Oh, and completely disrespectful of me. I’m so happy I’m free of this f**kwit.
Spinach! You mean you turned down the opportunity to get Golddick back in a few years. These FWs sure love them some self don’t they?
Mine used the let something you love go tripe. Yeah, no thanks, I can do way better.
Yeah my STBXW said the same thing. “We’ll get divorced, then in 2 years we’ll just remarry.”
After her dragging this divorce out for 2 1/2 years, I’m down to my final 9 days of being married to her.
He told me that I should be ashamed because when we met he was starting his graduate studies, while I was doing my GED.
Few weeks after that- he was fighting with me, because continuation of my Master degree was a waste of money.
For the record- I speak 3 language, read all the time, was able to managed a full time student status with a GPA around 3.9, while taking care (full time) of the house ,
3 kids, his mother- while he was busy with his work/ career ( fucking)
Yes, I’m such an idiot
A few years ago* not a few weeks ago ????♀️
He told me that i was nothing. I dont have any family and no education.
I come from a family of 7, my sister is my best friend. He hasnt talked to his siblings in years. I graduated from post secondary 3 year ago. He didnt finish high school.
Master of projection, much?
The biggest insult I got from stbxw was “Oh, maybe we could get back together in the future if we learned how to communicate.”
The only thing she ever effectively communicated to me was herpes.
No thanks, lady. GTFOOH with that shit.
Since the end of my 20 year marriage to the bi Narc, I have dated 2 charmers. Both for a short time. No.1 was unhappy that my nail polish would get chipped. This happens??? The seconds one only fault he could throw at me that justified his devaluing of me was that the inside of my cupboards, especially the tupperware was messy lol wtf
That “I’m not a computer programmer” (I’m a doctor) …. uh ok. And that I didn’t have as many friends as I used to after we moved to a new city and he excluded and isolated me from his friend group so he could spend time with AP.
“What did you expect? Me to stick around and be your caretaker forever?”
AND
“You’re a shell of who you used to be.”
I have a neuromuscular condition that I had when we married over 20 years ago but has worsened and affected my mobility greatly and caused chronic pain in the past 10 years.
So thankful to be free. If I am alone the rest of my life, I won’t ever be as lonely as I was with him.
“What did you expect? Me to stick around and be your caretaker forever?”–Why yes! You took a vow
“…to have and to hold from this day forward…in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death us do part….”
I’m sorry about your condition and wish you all the best. I’m glad you’re free of that jerk.
You can now get proof of infidelity with ease. Send a mail to support @ corecrypto .tech.
Get the peace of mind you deserve
Not so much an insult, per say, but when pressed why he felt our relationship failed, 1) I wasn’t spontaneous enough (ie be happy for him to spend money recklessly) 2) I was too intellectual and 3) I can’t even remember what third reason was because I genuinely was trying to make sense of number 2. Either way speaks volumes for his new tru luv’s intellect.
Over the years, my ex called me frigid, hateful, bitter, and a liar. The projection was such a powerful way to take the blame away from himself AND hurt me deeply. I spent years reflecting on my feelings and behavior and concluded I have none of those characteristics. I just married a very disturbed person. In the end, he just repulsed me.
D Day #1
“You don’t smile enough.”
“You teach too much church to our children.”
“I feel dead inside.”
“You hate us.”
“You’re mean to me.”
A few days later, he said I was being too nice and smothering him, BTW.
Then, D Day #2
“We’re just friends.”
“We have sex 5 times a year.” That was a big lie, which he later admitted was a lie and said it only to hurt me.
Now several months later, after he tells me he doesn’t love me anymore, he complains I’m emotionally distant.
These people are so screwed up.
It’s true. Liars lie, and cheaters cheat.
It’s funny, I was just telling this to my oldest brother recently. I hadn’t told him this before. Soon after D-day, but before she moved out, the FW XW told me, “You were a better father than a husband.” Then she quickly asked, “I hope I was a good wife?”
My brother couldn’t believe it. He’d known her for over 24 years as well (we were married for 24+ years). He said, “I hope you said NO?” Yes, I assured him. I told her that, no, she wasn’t a good wife. I was still in shock at this point, but I knew the answer to that question! Still in pick me dance-mode, though. You can’t make this shit up.
Okay, here is a mind bender. So, when my ex was telling me to leave the house we both owned, and I would not do it, he became really mean. But, let’s back up. He announced coyly one day our relationship was over. I him why. He had no answer. So, I asked if there was another woman involved.
When I asked IF there was another woman involved, he picked up his Bible, swore there was no other woman involved and threw the Bible.
What would Jesus do?
Come on. Jesus threw tables and chairs, but Jesus did not lie and throw Bibles.
After he threw the Bible he swore on, he said that I was a horrible person for implying there was another woman. He said I was evil for even asking the question.
Then he reiterated that the relationship was over and that I had to leave. (I was first on the house title). I told him that he could leave and that I would buy out his tiny contribution to the downpayment. He still told me I had to leave. So, I offered to give him back his down payment and pay back all of his contributions to the mortgage. We both equally paid the mortgage. He also said NO to that and told me that I had to leave.
I was 29 at the time. He was so angry that I would not leave my own house.
So he said to me, “Good luck. Women turning 30, like you, have a better chance at dying in an airplane crash than getting married and having children.”
He knew I wanted marriage and children more than anything else. I finally left when he became physically violent.
Then, after I left I found out he needed me to move because the other woman wanted to move into my (new construction) home. And she did.
And I was blind-sided to learn there was another woman and that she was now living in my former house.
I was double-blinded when my doctor found cancerous cells in my cervix. (And I had never had an abnormal pap before then).
I didn’t die in a plane crash and I didn’t die of cervical cancer since I had a top notch OB/GYN and excellent insurance. Having excellent insurance helped save my life because that allowed me to access the top physician.
I still boggles my mind that someone would be so cruel. He was the one having an affair. He knew all I wanted was a life long marriage and a family.
I do not understand why he had to add salt to the wound by telling me I would die in a plane crash before becoming a wife and mom.
After all, he was the one having an affair, hiding the affair, deciding to leave me for the affair partner, that I had no idea existed, and to top it off, I got my actual life endangered by his wandering penis… cervical cancer.
It would have been nice if he would have told me about his wandering penis problem. Because my parts stay put. The girl in my basement is a home body and she doesn’t do midnight prowls and wander aimlessly through the streets looking for random poles to climb on. He should have told me that the guy in his basement was a midnight prowler looking for random holes to trip into whenever and wherever he found them. Then, at least the girl in my basement could have said, “Go die in a plane crash” to the wandering prowler in his basement, while the girl in my basement stayed home drinking chamomile tea.
The shit storm he caused could have been avoided if he broke up with me when he realized he wanted to have a sexual relationship with her. But, I have learned this type of civil and fair behavior is not something that a cheater has the mental bandwidth to understand. And even if they did have the mental bandwidth, they wouldn’t have the empathy. And even if they were raised in church, like my ex was, they choose to throw Bibles instead of following the Golden Rule.
She told me that I was a great person but also that her ongoing infidelity that I had just find out about was a consequence of us arguing too much. It felt very insulting to me. It took me a while to stop feeling guilty and I now can see that our divorce was a consequence of her screwing another man and pretending everything was fine as always in our marriage. The sentence “I was gonna tell you in two days when you finished your very important project” felt very insulting too after many weeks of cheating.
That I should start loving myself more. Cheating wasn’t really a very good action to back up her words though… or was it?
There were so many of these comments:
“You are too intelligent and make me feel inferior.
You are too demanding and controlling.
You have anger issues.
You look so angry and ugly all the time.
When I come home you do not run to the door to greet me.
You do not make me lunch to take to work.”
For me the hardest part was to accept how much he was in a black and white world. And that he clearly did not seem to like me at all. I became his enemy very early on even while dating. If I did not admire him blindly, I was considered at fault. There was nothing in between.
https://notmymonkeys.net/
Among the litany of things she said to me whilst preparing to leave was that she “hated” that I whistled all the time….
I responded by saying “I’m sure you had a hard time sitting through Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs as a child…”
One that really hurt at the time she said it but now I chuckle about it, “you don’t get me wet when anymore.”
T-minus 8 days until this 2 1/2 year long divorce is finally over.
I’m always referred to as a failed mother and yet he was having affairs in our family home, the Canadian RCMP can’t judge this filth it’s unbelievable!????????????
My ex told me that I made him fat. He blamed me for being fat.
Clarification…he blamed me for him being fat.