Dumbest Insult Your Ex Tried?

To be chumped is to be underestimated. Devalued. Misunderstood. And while you shouldn’t give cheaters precious mental real estate, sometimes when you inevitably look back, it’s rather gobsmacking what they came up with to malign you.

Today’s Friday Challenge is courtesy of the private CN Facebook page – What’s the dumbest thing your ex said to try to insult you?

That you’re bad with money… and you’re a registered accountant?

That you’re a fat size 2?

That you’ll never find anyone as awesome as they are?

(The gum you scraped off your shoe would be better company.)

Whatever stupid thing it was, I’m sure it hurt nonetheless. Today we can point and laugh. Neutralize the sting. Find the vein of humor.

TGIF! From your hippy chick who can’t make coffee.

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Divorce Minister
Divorce Minister
3 years ago

Told me I was unfit to be a father….

Glad I was spared fathering kids through her!

Good father
Good father
3 years ago

She told me she would have been “terrified” to bring children to our allegedly “very bad home environment”. We were already talking about names for our future children in my allegedly happy marriage. Meanwhile she was screwing an older married man with 3 kids at our home. She also took pictures with his kids (one of them still a baby), not sure how will that have interfered with the other family’s home atmosphere.

FYI
FYI
3 years ago

Mine told me I didn’t seem very maternal. I didn’t have any kids, and he hadn’t seen his own young daughter in years and wasn’t paying child support.

Carol
Carol
3 years ago

I know exactly mine told me I “FAILED” as a mother and yet he was the one caught by Canadian RCMP having affairs in our “FAMILY” home while I worked graveyard shift and took care of the kids school things, absolutely disgusting!????

Divorce Minister
Divorce Minister
3 years ago
Reply to  Carol

Ish! Projection is their forte!!

Daddypants
Daddypants
3 years ago

“I had to cheat because you’re YOU.”

Chumpedtoomuch
Chumpedtoomuch
3 years ago
Reply to  Daddypants

I had something along those lines. The latest one is in I’m narcissist, controller manipulator and made him cheat (for years with anything that walked). I’m such a control freak that by filing for divorce I’m controlling even the end of the marriage. Can’t make this up

Cam
Cam
3 years ago
Reply to  Chumpedtoomuch

Mine told me I was “a social and intellectual chameleon without peer” who shamelessly used people and stole their ideas. He literally described himself!

The accusation baffled me at the time. I was a good person with lots of friends. People liked and respected me. Even in the depths of the abuse, I knew his accusation was blatantly false, but I couldn’t figure out where the hell he was pulling this from.

Now I understand he was describing himself. Even his insults were self-centered.

Honestly, it frightened me that this guy NEVER knew who I was. Everything with him was a projection.

At one point, he insisted on using a nickname with me because he couldn’t remember my real name. We’d known each other a decade at that point!

KarenE
KarenE
3 years ago
Reply to  Chumpedtoomuch

Damn! That’s impressive!

It took me so long to realize that every time my Ex said something about me that didn’t make any sense, all I had to do was turn it around to be about him and suddenly, bingo! Sounds like exactly what was needed with this one.

Hell of a Chump
Hell of a Chump
3 years ago
Reply to  Daddypants

Wow, the power of being you! You can turn upstanding, principled people into rutting, sneaking pigs WITH YOUR MIND.

Do objects levitate before you as you enter a room? Do you make planes fall from the sky? Can you crash the stock market with a sneeze?

We mortals bow down before you. You are a living god.

Honeyandthehomewrecker.com
Honeyandthehomewrecker.com
3 years ago

This comment wins the day!

Kim
Kim
3 years ago
Reply to  Daddypants

Well it’s hard to argue with that.

I mean…..you are you.

Flawlessly logical ????

FT
FT
3 years ago
Reply to  Kim

He told me, “I am an emotional person, you are an intellectual person”.

Jill Gugerty
Jill Gugerty
3 years ago
Reply to  FT

He told me to “Go back to the gutter, where you belong!”
It hurt like hell, but then I learned about projecting and Narcissism and it really clarified the actual reality of it all.

MarriedWife
MarriedWife
3 years ago
Reply to  Jill Gugerty

He said that maybe I’m just too smart because 50 years ago there wasn’t internet to tell us that phone sex is cheating.

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
3 years ago
Reply to  FT

He criticized me for being more psychologically stable than he.

KarenE
KarenE
3 years ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

How dare he!

Imagine being both correct, and insulting to HIMSELF while trying to criticize you. The guy is a genius, clearly!

Quetzal
Quetzal
3 years ago
Reply to  Daddypants

Dang, this tops ’em all !

Kara
Kara
3 years ago

“Ok Bill Nye the Science Guy. They’re just dumb… and slow.”

When I told one of my exes that crocodiles were my favorite animal. And three lions vs a juvenile croc in a dry riverbed doesn’t mean lions are better hunters. Also: completely different animals.

But he always had to feel like he was the winner. Including when it came to what animals I liked.

VulcanChump
VulcanChump
3 years ago

“But it’s not NORMAL to stay a virgin until you’re married!” – courtesy of Rhys. Keep in mind, I’m Catholic, he’s an atheist. We come from different backgrounds, bub, don’t try to tell me what’s “normal”.

(And yes, I did NOT lose my virginity to him, thankyaverymuch)

BBM
BBM
3 years ago

That someone who lied to me for years called me controlling and said I was smothering. Mind f@ck anyone?

Amy
Amy
3 years ago
Reply to  BBM

Yeah I feel like this is 100% a go to when they do not want to be transparent and accept they are being an ahole. Apparently, you should just trust them at their word. SMH

Pulchie
Pulchie
3 years ago
Reply to  BBM

Yes this!!! I got that a lot. Usually, though, it wasn’t when I was paying all the bills (because he didn’t have a pot to piss in), or cleaning all the house (because he wouldn’t), or taking care of all the adulting (because he couldn’t). Insert major eye roll here.

gorillapoop
gorillapoop
3 years ago
Reply to  Pulchie

The first time I caught him, he said: “It’s too bad you’re not more like me. I would not be jealous if you slept with other people.”

The second d-day, he said “You don’t have any experience with BDSM so I need an open marriage so I can explore my authentic self.”

So, essentially, my faults are: monogamy and not wanting to be the victim in his orchestrated faux gang rape “scenes.”

And when we split, he told everyone it was because “we argued about sex.” (see above).

Guilty, as charged!

Chumpling
Chumpling
3 years ago
Reply to  gorillapoop

Although I didn’t get the insult along with it, I got something very much like this. She told me that she didn’t enjoy sex unless she was being physically hurt, and because I wouldn’t do that (how can I literally beat up the person I love?) she was going to find it elsewhere.

Amazon Chump
Amazon Chump
3 years ago
Reply to  BBM

Yep! I was called controlling also. And yet I learned never to make any decision without first getting his input because he would be pissed if I did. He said too many times, “You made a unilateral decision!” Why I didn’t throw that back in his face when I found out about his skank, I just don’t know. I was never quick or as witty as he was.

WhyJustWhy
WhyJustWhy
3 years ago
Reply to  Amazon Chump

Mine ALWAYS says “you always do whatever you want anyway” or “you never consider what I want”… he’s also told me “You’re supposed to compromise – which means you give up on what you want and do what I want. COMPROMISE”

That’s NOT how that works.

JP
JP
3 years ago
Reply to  WhyJustWhy

OMG ~ this need to compromise always means ‘I get what I want’. Huge red flag when ‘compromise’ is brought up.

chumpedtoomuch
chumpedtoomuch
3 years ago
Reply to  WhyJustWhy

Oh my God mine says exactly the same! I always get what I want in the relationship. He says yes to everything apparently. When I asked for specifics regarding what it is exactly that I get – more word salad.

FormerlyKnownAs
FormerlyKnownAs
3 years ago
Reply to  Amazon Chump

Exact same phrase Amazon Chump! After DDay, I asked for child support, he said no, so I went and applied to get it via the tax department (that’s what you do here). He got really pissed and wrote, “there you go making unilateral decisions”. In the past year, I get that all the time. It’s like, no, YOU made a unilateral decision not to pay child support. I simply made a decision to protect myself. And yes, THEY made unilateral decisions to fuck strange. It’s just power and control. What they’re really saying is, “I don’t like you making any decisions because I want all the control.”

Letitsnow
Letitsnow
3 years ago

We had a beautiful place with a pool, vineyard and gardens.
I spent most weekends keeping it up while he “worked”. I work M-F long Medical provider hours.
He came home one Saturday afternoon when I was cleaning the sand off the back porch with his son and said
“I didn’t know that you liked doing housework.”
No, asshole I don’t, but someone has to.

Towards the end, when I was packing up the house to move, he came into the garage where I was tearfully making boxes
“you are so LABILE”, talk about projection, ha!

Several years before dday, he was on the Cape with me and my sister. We were laughing and having fun. He was flirting with her.
Out of the blue he says, “Why don’t you die so I can marry your sister”
I was speechless, my sister called him an ass, and he thought it was funny
Don’t miss him at all.????

Motherchumper99
Motherchumper99
3 years ago
Reply to  Letitsnow

Let It Snow…. that is horrifying and chilling. You’re lucky you got out alive.

Hell of a Chump
Hell of a Chump
3 years ago
Reply to  Letitsnow

Shades of Chris Watts anyone? How terrifying.

Chumpmeonce
Chumpmeonce
3 years ago
Reply to  Letitsnow

Wow abusives much?

Thirtythreeyearsachump
Thirtythreeyearsachump
3 years ago
Reply to  Letitsnow

My retired military cheater once told me I was a “security risk” because I thought for myself. He also said I would be “recruited as a spy” because I am “a loner and intelligent”. He thought he was maligning me. He told me “The enemy is looking for people like you”.

Then there was the time he threw a stack of folded and ironed laundry in my face while he screamed about the mending. “ YOU DIDN’T DO THE MENDING!!!” Dear reader, I had, six weeks previously.

So there you have it, Chump Nation. That is what you are dealing with, a potential spy, security risk who didn’t do the mending. He was simply forced to cheat on me to mitigate the security risk.

Hell of a Chump
Hell of a Chump
3 years ago

ThirtyThreeYears–

We as a nation sidestepped the next Cuban Missile Crisis because he got his freak on?

Newlady15
Newlady15
3 years ago

Thirtythreeyears. If that does make him nuts I don’t know what does. Wow they are wacky

Newlady15
Newlady15
3 years ago
Reply to  Newlady15

“Does not” sorry need my tea…

Thirtythreeyearsachump
Thirtythreeyearsachump
3 years ago
Reply to  Newlady15

Newlady15, I love you even more for the editing! I believe the clinical terminology is whack job! There should be a medical code for that diagnosis.

2nd Gen Chump
2nd Gen Chump
3 years ago

I’ve heard code “One D Ten T” spoken out loud before. ID10T. 🙂

Kara
Kara
3 years ago

Nooo! The MENDING is what keeps the enemies out!

You ruined the fiber of our nation!

XD

Thirtythreeyearsachump
Thirtythreeyearsachump
3 years ago
Reply to  Kara

Kara, thank you. I’m am very powerful that way!!!

Kara
Kara
3 years ago

I think you win the internet today. I’ve seen a lot of stupid shit cheaters say but “the enemy will recruit you to be a spy” is a doozy.

Gonegirl
Gonegirl
3 years ago

I am a nurse practitioner in a busy ED with many years of experience. I went to college before the internet, BTW.

My ex’s favorite name to call me was “stupid” and he barely graduated high school. ???? After D-day I told him “Your big mistake is thinking I am stupid.”

Traveling the World
Traveling the World
3 years ago
Reply to  Gonegirl

@gonegirl , if it makes you feel better, mine complained that I was too smart.
“You’re so smart, I NEVER win an argument with you.!!”
You can’t win with these people.

Chumpful
Chumpful
3 years ago

When we went as a family to one of my post-grad graduations and found out I had won the award for first in my course, he said: “You are so selfish. Couldn’t you just have let someone else win for once?” Many times he also pointed out how dumb I was and so it was not worth trying to explain anything to me.

Traveling the World
Traveling the World
3 years ago
Reply to  Chumpful

“Couldn’t you have let someone else win?” That’s terrible!

Mary
Mary
3 years ago
Reply to  Gonegirl

Yep, I taught theology based courses, Masters degree, and “didn’t know the Bible” according to my ex. I got, “You need to read the Bible. Have you ever read it?” Yes sir, several times a year in several translations. They’re stacked on my bookshelf next to several concordances and commentary sets. Then I was told I didn’t understand it, my professors were dumb and my religion was wrong!

Kara
Kara
3 years ago
Reply to  Mary

One of my exes had it in his head he was right about every political issue under the sun, and every time I tried to speak about it he’d just yell over me or cut off my sentences and tell me I was wrong, I didn’t know what I was talking about and I’m just trying to sound smart but I don’t have any idea what I’m saying.

I have a bachelors degree in political science.

Bruno
Bruno
3 years ago
Reply to  Mary

This sounds like Divorce Minister.
His father-in-law would lecture him and tell him he did not understand the Bible. Except DM has a M.Div. from Yale!
You would appreciate his book:
https://www.amazon.com/dp/B07JZY13Q1/ref=cm_sw_r_cp_apa_LuVKFbSAVHFXB

Divorce Minister
Divorce Minister
3 years ago
Reply to  Bruno

Thanks for the endorsement, Bruno! Yes, they have issues when you don’t just roll over to their religious manipulations. Blinding arrogance is a common cheater trait.

ChumpMVP
ChumpMVP
3 years ago

Omg hello Honorable Faithful Mr DM!!! I just bought and read your book in two days. It helped so much bc I was getting the you weren’t perfect ergo I cheated spiel. Your book helped clear me of that (other) lie!!! So many lies.

Magneto
Magneto
3 years ago

I had 20+ “armchair diagnoses” by the time he was done discarding me.
> I laterally counted them out. So depressing to look back and see what I took.

That’s when I became MAGNETO Super Villain. If ‘ya gotta be the bad guy, Chumps, at least pick a cool one.

ChumpDownUnder
ChumpDownUnder
3 years ago
Reply to  Magneto

My Fuckwit said I was a force of nature. That once I made a decision there was no stopping me. Funny reason to cheat for the entire marriage but I’m happy to be assigned ‘the force of nature’ super power. Now if I could just stop that annoying existential threat climate change….

Hell of a Chump
Hell of a Chump
3 years ago
Reply to  Magneto

Now I want to be a super villain. 😉

WhyJustWhy
WhyJustWhy
3 years ago

Me too! Let’s all become super villains.

Jae
Jae
3 years ago
Reply to  WhyJustWhy

I am IN.

Jae
Jae
3 years ago
Reply to  Magneto

I LOVE the idea of you just throwing up your hands and going full super villain. Plus, Magneto is a great choice. I for one welcome our new master of magnetism.

ChumpToTheMax
ChumpToTheMax
3 years ago

I held off filing for divorce and let him live in a spare bedroom for a couple of years- dumb I know, but product of that stupid decision was having to listen to never ending excuses and attacks on me. I could have written a book based on his weekly new excuse. But the one the really got me and proved our relationship was over:

Me: How could you fly to Miami and take a weeklong cruise with another woman?
Him: You NEVER fold my underwear correctly and said you never would!!!

He also would use my own words against me, like after coming back from two week overseas to spend with his GF (unbeknownst to me) he told me I was cold and unaffectionate. That’s something I told him. I was literally starving for affection. I realize now that his GF (who was also married) must have fed the line to him as an excuse for her own cheating and he used it on me. So unlike him to even mention much less partake or care about affection of any kind. So that was stupid and very telling.

I have trouble with these post sometimes because after 20 years of a horrible marriage, I have so many I could use. So hard to pick one!

ChumpedButHappierNow
ChumpedButHappierNow
3 years ago
Reply to  ChumpToTheMax

Mine said if I didn’t fold his underwear properly, he didn’t feel loved. This was when we were first married. I thought it was dumb, but I should have thought about a divorce then!

ChumpToTheMax
ChumpToTheMax
3 years ago

ChumpedButHappierNow- yes, mine got the sadz when I didn’t fold his clothes when we first started dating. I thought it was weird, but he never stopped worrying about his stupid socks and underwear. I finally just stopped folding them all together because I knew it was a losing battle.

At one point, I stopped folding or putting away any of his clothing since I always did it “wrong”. I started piling it all in the bathtub, where it stayed for months. Until his mom and dad were coming for a visit, then he put it all away himself.

That he would use it for an excuse to go on a weeklong cruise had to be the dumbest thing I ever heard. He didn’t leave me much to work with in the end.

Amazon Chump
Amazon Chump
3 years ago
Reply to  ChumpToTheMax

I was never given an excuse for his cheating. He never felt he needed to give me one. But I do remember him saying, “I have a right to be happy!” So I’m going to assume that I wasn’t making him happy and that’s how he justified his skank on the side. But all this talk of socks and laundry reminds me of what I went through at the beginning of my 30-year marriage. My ex was military as well. He had a habit of pairing his socks flat, then rolling them starting from the toe and up to the edge, and then flipping the edge of one over the roll so they ‘had little smiles on them.’ He came home once obviously frustrated from work, walked into our very clean apartment (because I had two crawling baby boys), and got pissed because there were toys ‘all over the house!’ My ex was super obsessive compulsive, and I wasn’t. He blew a gasket. He started by yelling, “Why is it that whenever I come home, the house is a mess!” We lived on the 9th floor in an apartment in Japan and because my boys were crawling, the floors were kept very clean. And because we had no money back then, I used cloth diapers and rubber pants. I nursed them both. My day was spent taking care of two boys, washing two loads of diapers a day, feeding boys, entertaining boys, and then preparing meals for ‘his’ return each evening at about 5 PM. When he started yelling and picking up toys from the floor, he decided to go around the house and complain about everything that irked him. We had 3 light switches as soon as you walked in the front door, and another set of 3 light switches that worked the same lights as you left the living room and before you went to the bedrooms. He went to the light switches and aligned them all up or all down on either side of the room admonishing me to keep the light switches in all the same direction. Then he went over to the telephone and picked up the receiver and slammed it back down opposite than how I placed it and ranted that when I put the receiver back down on the phone, that I needed to keep the cord on the same side that it was connected (rather than wrapped around the front.) Then he went to his closet and said, “When you hang my shirts, I want all of my long-sleeved shirts on this side, and all of my short-sleeved shirts on the other side! And when you hang them, leave 1 inch between the hangers!” Then he went over to his T-shirt drawer, opened it, grabbed a ruler and showed me how he wanted his T-shirts folded. He used the ruler and said, “When you fold my T-shirts, I want them folded 8 inches by 11 inches!” Then he opened his sock drawer and saw how I would put his socks in them (I just tied pairs together), and he dumped all of them on the bed. He grabbed a pair, untied them, and showed me how to pair his socks before placing them in his drawer, “And when you fold my socks, I want them folded like this! With little smiley faces on them!!”

Sucker Punched by a Saffa
Sucker Punched by a Saffa
3 years ago
Reply to  Amazon Chump

Amazon Chump,
What a control freak nutter! JFC

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago
Reply to  Amazon Chump

Lordy that brings back horrible memories.

The socks the Tshirts etc. And when I got all that right, there was always something else.

It doesn’t matter what the spouse does, if they want an excuse they will find it. Also, you can not make your spouse into a different person, or a robot; which I think is what some cheaters want.

Sucker Punched by a Saffa
Sucker Punched by a Saffa
3 years ago
Reply to  Susie Lee

They want a Stepford wife

Yas
Yas
3 years ago

Mine actually said I’m a Stepford wife. That I’m too perfect.

…..

I realise now that it’s probably true, with all that spackling… End of the day, nothing I did made him happy. Because, it’s impossible for them to be happy anyway.

AnonyMeh
AnonyMeh
3 years ago
Reply to  ChumpToTheMax

Perhaps putting them all out there one by one will cause them to shrivel and wilt in the light of day, and offer you a smidge of peace ((( hugs )))

Nothing Chumpares 2 U
Nothing Chumpares 2 U
3 years ago

I was “so controlling” and I had always “held her right under my finger”.

News to me after 20+ years. I was actively involved with all of our kids, coached every sport imaginable. Went to work at 5AM so she could work and I could pickup kids after school. Drove the shit vehicle so she had the nice/new one.

We had separate bank accounts, had our own cell phones. She went out with her friends often.

Somehow, after 20+ years and after the “I Love You But I don’t Love You”, I was controlling?

Cheater “Logic” is confounding!

Cam
Cam
3 years ago

It makes sense if you look at it from the point-of-view of someone who’s entitled. It’s why disordered people don’t appreciate anything, no matter how generous and thoughtful you are.

It’s also why they rewrite history to paint you as the bad guy so they can get MORE: more affairs, more money, more whatever.

It’s all about entitlement for them. They’re entitled to everything and think you deserve nothing. They’re black pits of entitlement. Nothing is ever enough for them.

QuantumChump
QuantumChump
3 years ago

Love how they brag about their newfound “freedom” and “independence”, as if they were chained in the basement and fed table scraps. She traveled to Europe freely with “the girls”, had 12 hours/day to herself during which I worked and kids commuted to private school she insisted they attend. If I had her on a leash, how did she carry on an affair for almost a year undetected?

Hell of a Chump
Hell of a Chump
3 years ago
Reply to  QuantumChump

I thought the same thing. If I’m so “controlling,” how did he get away with an affair for over a year? Why did I always accept the “working late” excuse?

It’s all bs. Consider that everything negative she accused you of was precisely what she sought, perhaps unconsciously, in an AP.

I noticed that cheater in my case managed to find an AP exactly like his malignant, controlling and underhanded, mom. He flung a lot of DARVO accusations at me before D-Day, mostly taking positives about me, things I might value in myself, and making them sound like something deplorable. But there were also other bizarre accusations which, if you added them up, really described his toxic mommy and AP, down to accusing me of secretly trying to get pregnant (?), which turned out to be exactly what the AP had been attempting to do. Meanwhile I have three kids and that was the last thing on my mind. I’m glad the AP failed in her quest since my kids don’t need a half-sib with fetal alcohol syndrome.

I don’t think the overlaps between the AP and cheater’s mommy were an accident. But at the same time I don’t think the “Looking for Mr. Goodbar” syndome applies to most chumps because of the massive amount of psychic energy most cheaters pour into image management when they’re auditioning for “healthy, upstanding citizen” status and a life and partner to fit that guise. In fact, I think the assumption that all victims seek abuse is a projection, maybe on an institutional level, because the only people I’ve ever seen be actively “drawn” to abusers are abusers in their own rights. When they get tired of wearing the upstanding mask, they go to the dark side to let their hair down.

FormerlyKnownAs
FormerlyKnownAs
3 years ago

I was called controlling too, which is BS because all of my friends were always saying, “I would never let my husband go out like your let yours go out.” I was always thinking, “I don’t let him, he just does whatever he wants even if I don’t like it.” I wish I would have been more controlling in hindsight. I wish I would have complained more about him always going out and leaving me alone, I wish I would have bitched more about the fact that I did all the fucking housework and adulting, I wish I would have told him to get the fuck off his phone and join in the relationship. If anything I wasn’t controlling enough because of his abuse, I sucked up my anger and let him do what he wanted just to keep the peace.

Badmovie19
Badmovie19
3 years ago

This was their way of control. He would go out with friends and I had to stay home with the kids. On the rare occasion I would get an afternoon of freedom, it was when will you be home? Can you pick up dinner before you come home? I wasn’t having a spa day – it was typically running to target to shop kid free! And the phone – always on his phone – I typically had to drive the family so he could fiddle on his phone with “work” stuff more like snap cheat, fantasy football crap etc.

SouthernDiddlyumptious
SouthernDiddlyumptious
3 years ago
Reply to  Badmovie19

Yup! I think we had the same man.

Chumpnzee
Chumpnzee
3 years ago

And I had the female version!!

KarenE
KarenE
3 years ago

Formerly, I thought for a little while like this, that if I had been more ‘controlling’, insisted more on him pulling his weight, made it clear I wouldn’t tolerate the constant crabbiness etc, he might have stepped up, behaved better and even have been happier.

But then I realized that I didn’t want to live like that, having to constantly enforce boundaries, set limits, and threaten (my saying I was ready to leave him seemed to be the only thing that made any impression on him, but it’s not something I would ever say lightly!). And I didn’t want to be with a person I had to treat like that, in order to ‘make’ him treat me like a loving, caring person would.

OHFFS
OHFFS
3 years ago

Great observation. My cheater had a super controlling mom and AP as well. The AP is the one who slyly convinced him I was the one who was controlling. Idiot believed every word out if her lying liar hole.

ChumpyNoLoveYouLongTime
ChumpyNoLoveYouLongTime
3 years ago
Reply to  QuantumChump

It truly is something amazing how they make these claims.

nomar
nomar
3 years ago

Yep, I got the “controlling husband” claim, too. Though I thought I was being helpful for those 22 years, running a high income business, transporting kids, paying bills, washing dishes, cooking, planning vacations, taking pets to the vet, bringing her coffee in bed every morning, etc. Oh, and also helped financially support the start of her business, spent every holiday with her family, and took care of the kids and house when she took separate vacations.

I first heard this allegation Of “control” after D-day 1. When I shared it with my mom, still wondering how I could change myself to make the marriage work, Mom said, “Well, she sure seems to have enjoyed the benefits of all that control she says you had.” Even my 75 year-old Italian Catholic mom eventually agreed that I had to file.

Involuntary Georgian
Involuntary Georgian
3 years ago
Reply to  nomar

It doesn’t matter what you do – either way you’ll get slammed.

I also took care of kids, did all the cooking and household managements, etc. (while having a full-time job) so XW could fly around the country to conferences and advance her career. I never questioned her trips (tbh, since I was doing all the kid stuff anyway it didn’t make much difference). During the discard, XW accused me of not being controlling enough: she said that if I really loved her, I would have been jealous and checked up on her while she was traveling. She blamed me for being *not* controlling and jealous.

She did report that she and colleagues were discussing their spouses and she described me to them as “my saint of a husband”. Fast forward a short time and she’s having an affair with one of those colleagues.

The lesson is that there is literally nothing you can do – no way you can act, or not act – that will not become justification for their affair.

ChumpyNoLoveYouLongTime
ChumpyNoLoveYouLongTime
3 years ago

You just can’t win with them. She turned so nasty against me and no matter what I said or did it was all wrong. She would scream at me over imagined things, screaming I was giving her dirty looks, how I did not love her, how she had carried the marriage for all these years, how she endured whilst I was in the military. She was possessively jealous of any females around me yet she was the cheater. She use to grab me by the balls literally and dig her nails in and get right in my face and tell me if I ever touched another girl she would cut my balls off with a knife so I could never get it up ever again. Now she is away and faced with our divorce near complete she emails me about how she misses me and wants me to hold her and she regrets everything. I’m glad it’s all over.

KarenE
KarenE
3 years ago

From my observations, Narcs ‘love’ us to bits (as much as they are capable) during that first infatuation phase, just as they are SO happy w/a new job, new house, new friendship, new hobby, new whatever the fuck else ….

Then once the thrill wears off and reality sets in, they settle into one of two modes;

– if they can push you around, they despise you, no respect at all. (And they see our loving and caring for them and ‘doing’ for them as totally this, that’s why they don’t appreciate it.)

– if they can’t push you around they hate you and resent you.

So yeah, no way you can win with them. You will always fall into one of those two categories or alternate between them depending on what’s happening.

Nothing Chumpares 2 U
Nothing Chumpares 2 U
3 years ago
Reply to  nomar

I think a lot of the men have (had) ‘”Nice Guy Syndrome” (Dr. Robert Glover’s books will help with that).

Be faithful, provide, involved with children, work hard, share household chores, sacrifice….we stupidly think it’s enough.

Not slighting the women here…..I know a lot of Women who are terrific that have been cheated on too (even in my own family…..and I now have a new found empathy for them).

KarenE
KarenE
3 years ago

It’s true that some people (men and women included) are ‘too nice’, in that they don’t have boundaries, don’t assert themselves, and have little self respect. That actually can be a turn-off – although narcs LOVE THAT, in the beginning.

But a HEALTHY ‘nice guy’ who is faithful, involved with children, works hard, shares household responsibilities … now that is SUPER ATTRACTIVE.

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
3 years ago
Reply to  KarenE

Nothing is more attractive to me than a guy who is good with his kids. I once lingered in my car (slightly creepy I know) in the Whole Foods parking lot to watch a guy lovingly fix his toddler’s ponytail. Such a turn on! And nothing made me hornier than when my then-husband did some household chore. That shit is porn for me.

As for the “too-nice thing,” I suppose many of us chumps (male and female) might have slipped into the “too-nice territory.” But I honestly think it’s because of the dynamic created by an entitled, narc spouse. It’s some weird dance that develops; and you get trapped in it. At least that was the case for me. I just kept doing more and more and more. And it was never enough. And my needs became smaller and smaller. In the end, I was a shrunken version of myself. Even so, I actually thought I had a pretty good marriage…WTF!

In retrospect, although the discovery of the affair hurt like a mofo (and still hurts one year out), it forced me to wake the hell up and leave. I’m now, slowly but surely, finding myself again. I’m getting stronger (hence the spinach reference ????).

Capn' Crunch was framed
Capn' Crunch was framed
3 years ago

> Be faithful, provide, involved with children, work hard, share household chores, sacrifice….we stupidly think it’s enough.

I mean… isn’t it?!

This really baffles me – I did those things, and it clearly wasn’t what she wanted. But WTF *did* she want? I know, skein untangling and all, but I honestly have no idea. If I had to bet, I’d say she had no idea either.

(unless what she wanted was to be ditched by an angry loser who decided he wasn’t leaving his wife for her after she threw away her marriage for him, in which case she sure got it and I hope it brings her joy).

Marzy-d
Marzy-d
3 years ago

They want to be the center of attention at all times. Because if people stop praising them and paying attention to them, the great big void where there soul is supposed to be might swallow them up. So when you are paying attention to life -children, work, bills, taking care of the house – your attention is not on them. And THEY CANT STAND IT. So no, its not enough. Because nothing will ever be enough.

Badmovie19
Badmovie19
3 years ago
Reply to  Marzy-d

Exactly. He was constantly organizing social events with coworkers – whether after work bar stop, people over for BBQ, etc. Constant craving for people to tell him how funny his jokes were etc. No family trips, it was was always me taking the kids to the museums or zoo. What family time we had revolved around his college football and NFL Viewing schedule. The kids and me have had so much fun since he moved out.

OHFFS
OHFFS
3 years ago

They want whatever they don’t have. It doesn’t have to be anything worth having. They just like to chase it. Then when they get it, it’s not long before they want something else. That’s why these losers are never happy or at peace.

Chris W.
Chris W.
3 years ago
Reply to  OHFFS

Bingo

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
3 years ago
Reply to  Chris W.

Yep! OHFFS nails it.

And it saddens me that the chumped men here seem to think that women don’t want guys who are decent and honorable. The corollary is that toxic males (“bad boys”) somehow do better. Perhaps this is true for certain women–the narcissistic takers, the shallow kibble seekers–but it’s not true for the majority of decent women.

So male chumps, please don’t stop being “nice guys.” Stop picking women who don’t appreciate your awesomeness.

ChumpyNoLoveYouLongTime
ChumpyNoLoveYouLongTime
3 years ago
Reply to  nomar

Her female friend went through a bad break up few years ago and my STBXW use to tell me how she was glad I was not controlling and abusive like her friends ex. Fast forward to me finding out all the affairs and cheating and I’m suddenly controlling and abusive.. I just give up with these cheaters. I was so so controlling that I never stopped her going anywhere and others use to compliment her on how I was a good husband. Funny how there was no issues till she got caught cheating and I hit her with a divorce.

Nothing Chumpares 2 U
Nothing Chumpares 2 U
3 years ago

They must all have the same Cheater Handbook……Is there a “Cheaters For Dummys” out there?

I too was apparently “controlling” and “abusive” (must have happened maybe while sleepwalking???)

She “never realized how scared she was of me” (I literally did a spit-take when she said that)…..only said these things after she was busted about her affair.

I asked my children (in teens and 20’s) if they ever felt fear in the house or had ever seen any abuse. They laughed. Same with the close life-long friends…..it is jaw-dropping to them to hear the bullshit.

It’s amazing that a parent would make such ridiculous and false allegations….especially when the children know it is complete bullshit.

They don’t realize how stupid it makes them look to those who supposedly really matter.

But alas, to the throw-away friends and family, image is everything…..must not look like the bad person so let’s re-write history and smear the only half of the partnership that has integrity.

throwow
throwow
3 years ago

Dude… what the fuck?

I got, literally, exactly the same comments right down to me talking to my kids about “abuse” or them being scared of me. Exactly the same comments from my friends.

I’m starting to think there is *actually* a cheaters handbook.

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
3 years ago

So I guess no matter the gender, all cheaters make shit up to justify their crappy behavior.

Mine trotted this out in the end: “I sometimes felt unsafe with you.” What?

ChumpyNoLoveYouLongTime
ChumpyNoLoveYouLongTime
3 years ago

My STBXW started claiming in arguments that I did not love her and I just wanted a doormat for a wife and someone to cook and clean. Funny part is that she did next to zero housework. She did laundry and cooked and that was it. As for not loving her, I spent 15 faithful years to her and use to phone her everyday from work at my lunch or breaks just to share how our day was going. As soon as all her cheating was caught I suddenly was met with all these nasty comments from her. Just mental gymnastics to deal with the 20 or so people she was cheating with.

BBM
BBM
3 years ago

Same here brother. Exactly. I think for us male chumps the sacrifices we make are actually a turn off for the women we were with. I truly believe that.

Chumpkins
Chumpkins
3 years ago
Reply to  BBM

BBM
I can’t blame you for not believing in love after being chumped. It’ll be doubly hard to recover any love life if you believe all women feel attraction like a FW. Someday I hope you experience closeness with a woman if for no better reason than to detox from FW poison.

I think both male & female FWs not being attracted to their chumps has something to do with the parent/child dynamic CL mentioned in a different post. Parent/child dynamics kill desire.
Although I’ve heard of male FWs that are turned on by their destructive sexual dominance of women [Authors: Lundy Bancroft & Don Hennessy]. Maybe someday there will be useful studies of how female FWs operate.

I’ve heard from other quarters that some men think women are deceptive about their sexual attraction. They think women are turned off from a man who helps around the house & with kids, and its a terrible lie when women say they are. To that, I’d say that although housework isn’t a direct turn on, but it increases the trust which is vital for many women to open up sexually. Unfortunately I know too much about the Manosphere’s crappy ideas women about female infidelity because I found David Futrelle’s blog too funny. It’s hard to not argue against PUA sounding stuff when I hear it.

Boudicca
Boudicca
3 years ago
Reply to  Chumpkins

I think it is SO sexy when my guy helps me with chores and the kids. He does it because he wants to do his half, not for any praise or accolades. And then usually I can’t wait for the kids to go to bed and get him alone ????‍♀️
But then I am a chump, and my guy is a fellow chump ????

nomar
nomar
3 years ago
Reply to  BBM

What she later said was me being controlling (paying bills, enforcing boundaries with the kids, planning family activities, etc., etc.) sure felt a lot like me doing **more than my fair share** of everything. I would’ve welcomed help with . . . Anything! I’m remarried now and share responsibilities happily!

QuantumChump
QuantumChump
3 years ago
Reply to  BBM

Agree. We had a fantastic upper-middle class lifestyle, due mostly to my sacrifices. She ran off with a 300 pound, uneducated, unemployed, carless, Harley dude with knuckle tattoos who lived in daddy’s basement. I guess I wasn’t edgy enough for her.

Badmovie19
Badmovie19
3 years ago
Reply to  QuantumChump

They never trade up. I was discarded for his married howorker who is 11 years older than me with 3 college age kids. She has a DUI conviction for hitting a parked car. She’ll be 50 soon – guess he wanted someone who thinks partying like you’re in college and staying at the bars until close is cool.

Elena
Elena
3 years ago
Reply to  QuantumChump

Wait..what??

Lucky
Lucky
3 years ago
Reply to  QuantumChump

Ewe….I think I can smell him justfrom your description ????

WaitingForTuesday
WaitingForTuesday
3 years ago
Reply to  BBM

That’s why you all need to find nice chump women, who would appreciate you all!!

Nothing Chumpares 2 U
Nothing Chumpares 2 U
3 years ago

I have actually found an amazing woman….she was chumped in a different way but we are very open about our experiences and deeply aware of how trust is vital.

Hindsight is 20/20.

I remember, before I knew the awful truth, but after ILYBIDLY, I spoke to a mutual female “friend” (actually the wolf in sheep’s clothing)…….I was explaining my struggle to understand what the hell happened and the friend said “well, you know Nothing Chumpares 2 U, you are very intense”.

First time I ever heard that either…..found that it was an odd thing for her to say (especially since she is loud and obnoxious……kettle black much?).

Well, fast-forward to when I found evidence…..the “friend” was FULLY AWARE of my wife’s affair…..and fully supported it.

Cheater Cheerleaders even try to gaslight……thank God I finally came to my senses and started investigating…..I am 100% convinced had I not found out on my own, I NEVER would have known the truth and I would have felt a very different void the rest of my life.

I no longer believe in mid-life crisis and all the other shit reasons people want to get divorced. For me, chances are 99.9% that you are a cheater when you suddenly and with no good reason want to get a divorce.

My horrid STBXW told me later (after I disclosed proof) that “she was going to tell me about the affair”.

Yeah right!!!….you think I believe that shit? She would NEVER state anything that makes her look like the bad person.

BBM
BBM
3 years ago

Wow. I’m glad for you and your new life. I personally don’t know any men(that I’m aware of) who are “supported” for cheating. Anyone man in my circle who did that to their family would be judged pretty harshly. I don’t feel it’s the same with women. Just my observation.

Out on the tiles
Out on the tiles
3 years ago
Reply to  BBM

My xh was fully supported for cheating and leaving his family – ’cause, I must’ve deserved it, been a crap partner, right? And he deserves to be happy.

OHFFS
OHFFS
3 years ago
Reply to  BBM

I don’t know what planet you’re living on, but on this one any double standard about sex tends to favor men, not women. A cheating woman is seen as a whore, whereas people assume a man who cheated wasn’t getting enough at home.

FormerlyKnownAs
FormerlyKnownAs
3 years ago
Reply to  BBM

My ex had a cheater supporter, a man. A flying monkey. This was supposedly a friend of mine as well. I went to his house when it happened and unleashed all hell in front of him and his wife. I was ugly crying, snot flying out, and I said, “I want you to see what the other side of this looks like.”

The Ex-Mrs. Sparkly Pants
The Ex-Mrs. Sparkly Pants
3 years ago
Reply to  BBM

In my family (Dad’s side), cheating was an Olympic event. When my first husband cheated on me, my father told me, “That’s no big deal. Every man cheats.”

And when I left my second husband after his botched attempt to murder me, Dad said, “You used to be able to hit your wife as long as the stick wasn’t any bigger around than your thumb.” I didn’t find that humorous, either, although my mother assured me that “He’s just joking.”

Yeah, my father was a piece of shit. No wonder I married Narcissistic Personality Disordered cheaters and abusers!

Sucker Punched by a Saffa
Sucker Punched by a Saffa
3 years ago

He who jokes professes

QuantumChump
QuantumChump
3 years ago
Reply to  BBM

XW’s close friends started the divorce avalanche. They made it sound so fun, XW thought she was missing out??? No shame felt by any of them.

Chumpedlindyhopper
Chumpedlindyhopper
3 years ago
Reply to  QuantumChump

If it makes you feel better quantumchump, my ex was a guy and he said he felt supported by his friends. They all cheated on their partners in the matter of weeks apart and broke up their relationships.

The only time he regretted it was when he fell out of that group. Assh*le.

Adelante
Adelante
3 years ago
Reply to  QuantumChump

People run with other people who are like them. People are affected by the people they are around. Your exwife sounds like she found her “tribe” of women, all of them with the same debased values.

BBM
BBM
3 years ago

That sounds good in theory but I’m not sure I believe in “love” anymore. I was definitely naive when I got married and thought “love” would conquer all. False.

Cam
Cam
3 years ago
Reply to  BBM

Have you read Mark Manson’s article “Love is not enough”? Great article, definitely worth the read.

It baffles me that society has so many myths around such an important topic and so little REAL education or preparation for it.

Hope Springs
Hope Springs
3 years ago
Reply to  BBM

I think love goes so far, and then, as CL says, it’s about character.

Kara
Kara
3 years ago
Reply to  Hope Springs

I think somewhere in the archives CL did a blog about how love isn’t all that makes a strong relationship. Cheaters will blow up multi decade unions because their schmoopie us “twu wuv,” chumps will stay stuck because they love their (cheating) spouses, but we need to understand that love isn’t the only thing that makes a good relationship. Character is part of it, respect, and yes, boundaries. That applies to within the relationship and without. A good person will not allow their spouse to walk all over them and trample their boundaries, and a good person will also know when to look at a situation, I.E. an opportunity to cheat, and say “No, I will not do that.”

Love is great and sure you should love your partner. But a relationship is not ONLY love. Like marriage isn’t “just a piece of paper” it’s a union.

Adelante
Adelante
3 years ago
Reply to  Kara

Love, character, respect, boundaries. And don’t forget to add reciprocity to that list.

vee
vee
3 years ago
Reply to  Kara

“a good person will also know when to look at a situation, I.E. an opportunity to cheat, and say “No, I will not do that.”

You make a good point about character, but like I wrote in another comment, I think people sometimes change and not for the better.

When I got together with my ex we were 21, he was down to earth, knew where he came from (his parents were farmers), hard worker, believed in commitment, and definitely not a show off. He was always ambitious though, and he worked to get a good career. That isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but his attitude changed once he started making good money, he bought the flashy car, the flashy watch, cared about his appearance differently, and when I found out about the cheating and money he had spent, he was buying expensive presents to show off his newly acquired wealth to his APs, presents that if he had bought them for me I would have asked him why was he spending so much on stuff like super expensive lingerie, whenever VS for instance made lingerie just as pretty for half that price and with the rest we could have a weekend away.
My sister had noticed as well he behaved differently and used to call him J.Lo (who came from the Brox and now is super rich and acts like it).

So idk. Sometimes people’s “character development” is for the worst, and what was once true for them it no longer is. That’s why I feel so off balance, because even if your ex did have certain qualities at some point, there’s no guarantee they will keep having them. In my naivety I didn’t think people could change so drastically, but now that I’m going through this I’m aware that neither love nor character could prevent someone from becoming a different version of themselves. It’s quite scary.

vee
vee
3 years ago
Reply to  BBM

Same. I believed in love and commitment and thought that people could overcome even cheating (not serial cheating, or long affairs, for some reason I believed that only major assholes did that and “normal” people would feel guilty after cheating like once, confess and then you’d work on your relationship because of commitment and love).

But now I’m very aware that people change, sometimes not for the better, so the person you married years ago might have been great then, love you and be committed to you. But that doesn’t mean they’ll stay the same.

Hell of a Chump
Hell of a Chump
3 years ago
Reply to  vee

I don’t believe genuinely good people just suddenly or even gradually turn into thugs.

A Holocaust survivor who testified at Nuremberg said something like, “Ten percent of people are always cruel, ten percent are always merciful, and the remaining eighty percent can go either way.”

Hold out for the top 10% and stay away from slip-sliders.

Nothing Chumpares 2 U
Nothing Chumpares 2 U
3 years ago
Reply to  vee

I was stupid enough to tell her that if she messed up and had an affair, I would be willing to try to forgive her and work on saving the marriage (even though she 100% wanted a divorce…….lied and told me she was not having affair).

I am 100% convinced she has had at least 1 other previous affair….if not more. I thought our previous marriage counseling saved our 20 year marriage and I was so happy and relieved.

Captain Hindsight has me re-thinking…….was that previous marriage counseling really caused by “something is missing”…..probably not…..probably another cheating affair that did not end well.

me = plan B (without even knowing it)

Sirchumpalot
Sirchumpalot
3 years ago

My XW wanted her main AP to leave his wife for her. He refused. So she stayed with me. I was Plan B without knowing it! Made me so mad!

Persephone
Persephone
3 years ago
Reply to  BBM

That’s what she’s saying to you. The love or being in live isn’t a problem. The women you were with are. You’re throwing the pearls of your love to the swines.

Daddypants
Daddypants
3 years ago

Very similar story. Thought I was the only one.

Givetimetime
Givetimetime
3 years ago

When my ex-husband’s daughter from his first marriage went to college, he would tell everyone, in front of me, how proud he was of his daughter because she was the first person in the family to go to college.

I have a bachelors degree.

ChumpetyChumpChump
ChumpetyChumpChump
3 years ago
Reply to  Givetimetime

Ah, but you were not family. You were a spouse appliance. I knew the feeling well.

Chris W.
Chris W.
3 years ago

Yep. Just an Appliance. We all lived that!

HappyChump
HappyChump
3 years ago

When we talked about jobs.. “”It is not like you really work.”

I was a school librarian

MamaSparky
MamaSparky
3 years ago
Reply to  HappyChump

HappyChump, I loved all three of my school librarians and remember them well, even in my mid 40s. Thank you for instilling a love of reading in kids <3

UXworld
UXworld
3 years ago

After 15 years of marriage, children, endless and daily reassurance about whatever her “gripe of the day” happened to be (her appearance, her mother, her sisters, her desire to go back to work, her desire to NOT go back to work…) and 3 months of indulging her “need” for an open marriage, I got:

“. . . Well, guess what? I’ve finally found someone who actually supports me.”

Cam
Cam
3 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

Jfc.

My aunt’s husband abandoned their family and never paid a dime in child support. My father spent the next 10 years helping her out with errands, car repairs, and shoveling her driveway in the wintertime.

My aunt never thanked him, tried to return the favor, or showed any appreciation for any of it.

In fact, at a family dinner, she introduced her new fiancé as “the only guy who’s ever taken care of me.” My father was hurt and vowed he’ll never lift a finger for her again.

Some people are just bottomless pits of need and entitlement.

Drew
Drew
3 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

X, soon after Dday, said, “Every thing about my life is perfect except for you.” Then went scorched earth, dragged out our divorce, then quickly married his affair partner. ????

QuantumChump
QuantumChump
3 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

I hope he supported her financially too! Just kidding, that’s your job.

Freedom2020
Freedom2020
3 years ago

While I’m pick me dancing after shock of Dday, he says “you know she’s more mature than you.” Referring to his 23 year old Schmoopie who had no job, money, and a ton of legal problems. While I’m a 41 year old successful business owner and mother of his two kids who has supported him since day one. WTF! We do not share the same values with these fuckwits. Good riddance

Almost Blue Girl
Almost Blue Girl
3 years ago
Reply to  Freedom2020

God, they’ll say anything, won’t they? Mine left me for some homeless, high school educated out of work makeup artist that he decided would be the perfect person to start a highly skilled professional business with. Last I heard the people she was crashing with threatened to call CPS on her for abusing her child in their home.

Almost Blue Girl
Almost Blue Girl
3 years ago

Most recently it was that I’m not being a good mother because I’m not “taking care of myself enough” for values of taking care of myself that include, apparently, DATING. In a PANDEMIC. Before we’re officially divorced.

This during an argument bc I would not let him “open our pandemic bubble” to allow him to get on Tinder.

Other classics include him accusing me of not “making our house a home” during the 13 years of our marriage, ironically during a discussion of who was getting what pieces of furniture and him saying he didn’t want ANY of it because I had not “made our house a home.” Um, me and my apartment filled with art and furniture would like to debate that with your buddy. Oh well, at least I got everything.

UXworld
UXworld
3 years ago

Ah, yes . . . the “you’re so unhealthy” mindfuck. I got several variations of this early on. Apparently they set the example of “healthy” behavior, and if we don’t emulate it, we’re doing damage to ourselves and to others.

Marie
Marie
3 years ago

He told me I was “just a secretary” at my job. First of all, there is nothing wrong with being a secretary. Administrative assistants make a lot more than he does. Second, I wasn’t a secretary. It wasn’t in my job title. I have no idea where that even came from. Maybe he thought he was shaming me because I have my masters from a big school, and I was very overqualified for the job, but it was a foot in the door and I loved my work.
My boss and I answered our department’s phone when we had a free hand. It wasn’t my job to to it. I had a ton important responsibilities, from photography to designing giveaways. Plus I had respect at my job, which he never had.

I’d take being a secretary over being his wife any day.

JenX
JenX
3 years ago

After the first time I caught him cheating, we got into an argument because he was hiding his phone again. Said he wanted a divorce because “there’s no trust in this relationship “. I wonder why?? (He left me for the second ow a few years later).

The Ex-Mrs. Sparkly Pants
The Ex-Mrs. Sparkly Pants
3 years ago
Reply to  JenX

My first husband claimed that the only problem in our marriage was that I just didn’t trust him. If I trusted him, all would be fine. This was AFTER I found out about his affairs with co-workers (his and mine), his boss’s wife, the church choir director, a few sopranos and the nun who led our pre-Cana classes.

I also got “at least I have a job.” Which was true. But he lied about having deposited his paycheck in our joint account from which the bills were paid and the rent and utilities checks bounced. He spent his paycheck on himself, and whenever he felt like it, he would dip into the joint account, too, leaving me to work hours and hours of overtime and scramble to pay the bills.

Then I got, “But you’re never home.” Well maybe if you contributed to household expenses, I wouldn’t have to work so much!

Kathleen
Kathleen
3 years ago

After 35 year marriage he told me “If you didn’t nag I wouldn’t have fallen out of love with you “.
Funny, we had sex almost every day even when he was supposed to be in love with owhore. She died year or so
after he left but he immediately moved into as another woman’s home.

Newlady15
Newlady15
3 years ago
Reply to  Kathleen

Omg Kathleen I got the same along with I wasn’t allowed to ever say no to sex( during our 4 year wreckonciliation) because It’s very important to him( I guess the twice a week wasn’t sex enough??) POS

RefuseToBeStupid
RefuseToBeStupid
3 years ago

The excuse I got wasn’t original. I wasn’t taking care of him physically so he rode the village bicycle.

Skippy
Skippy
3 years ago

That I didn’t drink alcoholic drinks when we went to the pub……usually because I was driving!

DBA xena
DBA xena
3 years ago
Reply to  Skippy

You responsible Chump!

OutWest
OutWest
3 years ago

“The only thing you are good at is being a mother”

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago
Reply to  OutWest

Grrrr.

I guess his attempt was to tell me I wasn’t a good enough housekeeper. I mean he is right I am not a spit shiner, but we are talking a bit of dust and books piled around my chair. Kitchen, Bath, clean. Floors clean, laundry done, cooked every day, mowed the lawn every summer, worked full time, at the time he said it and also did most of his volunteer work, while he got the accolades.

Then I found out later schmoopie makes me look like a spit shiner.

But, for the most part I don’t think he tired to insult me as much as hurt me badly enough to get me to initiate divorce. My pain just didn’t matter, as long as it got the result he wanted. When it didn’t he just got worse and worse. Even when he left he wouldn’t file, until I called and said you need to file. He balked, and I said you wanted the divorce, you need to file; it is the least you can do for me.

He did want me to be served. He never did have me served, I found the document in my mail box. I accepted it and, took it to my lawyer. I just needed to get our finances legally separated. Also, I truly did want him to own it and do the filing.

Thirtythreeyearsachump
Thirtythreeyearsachump
3 years ago
Reply to  OutWest

OutWest, that is an insult that really backfired. Is there anything more encompassing than being a Mother? Mothers do it all, wear the proverbial hats of a dozen occupations, and juggle multiple tasks.

If you are good at being a Mother, you are good at being human. His insult game is weak.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago

follow

Velvet Hammer ????????❤️
Velvet Hammer ????????❤️
3 years ago

I learned a year after he left that he had lined up an apartment with the Craigslist Cockroach during the fake reconciliation phase after DDay OCT 2017.
(Cheater playbook 101; you can’t leave during The Holidays. Then you’d really look like the colossal AH you actually are. )

That led to the discovery that he had been taking money out of our business to pay the rent on it, which led to the discovery that he had been hiding money from me for twenty years. A six figure sum. Cash. Twenty years of marriage during which I endured endless criticism of my financial behavior.

At a joint therapy session to discuss how to address the hidden money restitution, he said, “You know, I talked to a lawyer who said I have a very good case against you for mismanagement of money during our marriage. Clearly you were not acting in the best interests of our family.”

Said the cheater and financial genius who clearly paid way too much for a low quality blow up doll he found in Casual Encounters on Craigslist.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago

I think in general it is true they don’t actually leave during the Holidays, thought they will certainly make the Holiday a hell on earth for us. At least mine did. He made sure I figured out what he was up to on Christmas morning. Made obvious phone calls and treated me like dirt. The following week, he got worse and worse. I guess in a last ditch effort to get me to kick him out.

I think Schmoopie was putting the screws to him, so he had to kick it in overdrive.

He started moving his crap out of the house the 2nd of Jan, after he insisted that we honor the invitation of two friends who we had invited over for New Years Eve. He put on quite a show that night. Then moved out the next day. Of course I knew by then that he was committing adultery. But, I just went along. I think the shock had kicked in and I was just on auto pilot. He used that to his advantage for the next three weeks, until I kind of came out of a fog, and called him and said you need to file for D. I had called my credit card companies and asked for print outs of the last three years. It was how I found out he had been spending lot of money on his whore.

Cam
Cam
3 years ago

Please tell me you took him to the cleaners and got a nice settlement.

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
3 years ago

“I love you, but you don’t fit my aesthetic.”

vee
vee
3 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

lol, what was the aesthetic, “secret double life”?

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
3 years ago
Reply to  vee

Ha, totally! I was going with “Anybody but you” but the result is the same. ????

(Persistent novelty seeking in any topic area is, I’ve learned, in the topmost echelon for cheater red flags.)

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
3 years ago
Reply to  Amiisfree

(This was not supposed to be nested under another comment.)

HappilySingle
HappilySingle
3 years ago

“You made me do some of the housework!’ Never mind I had the higher paying job and we worked equal hours at our places of employment.

But, as he said, ‘She’s going to take much better care of me.’

Hcard
Hcard
3 years ago

He told me no one likes me because my ethics were too high. I made people feel bad about themselves.
We were arguing about Bill Cosby being innocent. Bigots, cheaters, rapist and pedifiles felt picked on. WTH

QuantumChump
QuantumChump
3 years ago
Reply to  Hcard

I got this too. I was too much of a Boy Scout. I guess I should have been more like Chris Watts?

Faithful Rage
Faithful Rage
3 years ago
Reply to  QuantumChump

Ah yes, my morals were a “fantasyland”. “No one believes in monogamy anymore”—while he was texting his sex worker, asking if she was monogamous to him lol. “The world has changed since we got married” as he suggested choking me during sex or using a pizza cutter to “just cut” my skin. Um no. Get out.

QuantumChump
QuantumChump
3 years ago
Reply to  Faithful Rage

I’m anything goes in the bedroom, but pizza cutter??? Creepy. You dodged a bullet.

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
3 years ago
Reply to  Hcard

Shit, I already like you, just for that.

Newlady15
Newlady15
3 years ago
Reply to  Hcard

Omg lots of reminders here today. Mine said I was too honest, yes from the man who can’t ever tell the truth and is as slimy as they come in business and in his personal life.

OHFFS
OHFFS
3 years ago
Reply to  Newlady15

I can relate. Mine felt I was too honest and was actually mad at me because I wouldn’t lie in court to get him out of paying a piddly little traffic fine. He harangued me off and on about it for years. Yikes! What giant red flags that these people were amoral trash.
He changed in that regard. Sometime around 2010 or so, he stopped pretending to have much of a moral compass. I suspect hanging out and drinking with sleazy people and mirroring them, as well as using a lot of porn, was what did it. Before that he was mirroring me and at least seemed to have morals, though of course they couldn’t have been heartfelt. None of it was real because he has no identity of his own. I’m convinced that’s a huge problem with cheaters. The lack of a stable self-identity means you can do pretty much anything you feel like doing at the moment and find stupid justifications for it later.

Marion
Marion
3 years ago

He called me a “f*cking Jew” who was “constrained by Old Testament morality.” By which he meant that whole “thou shall not commit adultery” thing.

The bizarre thing was that, while neither of us were at all religiously observant, he was Jewish too.

Cam
Cam
3 years ago
Reply to  Marion

Holy shit.

Involuntary Georgian
Involuntary Georgian
3 years ago
Reply to  Marion

… plus, the actual problem is that he wanted you on board with the “f*cking”. So his *real* objection is that you’re a “anti-f*cking Jew”.

Chumpawumba
Chumpawumba
3 years ago

I was “too intellectual” ( I’d just to graduated from the top university in the country with w degree in political philosophy when we met so shouldn’t have been a surprise). I was “no fun” because I don’t drink whereas with the skank they would drink until they had blackouts. And I was “always ill” – I had anxiety from 20 years of gaslighting and had damaged my physical health going through fertility treatment (when in fact he’d passed on something nasty from the skank which had blocked both my tubes). And he couldn’t understand why, after discovering he’d been cheating for 12 or 14 years of a 15 year marriage, I was just so darned angry.

Bruno
Bruno
3 years ago

First ten years of our marriage she did all the household bill paying, budgeting and banking. She had been a bookkeeper before we married. When the kids started school she wanted to start back in college and get a teaching credential. Realizing the new workload she asked me to take over the finances. OK, done. This did not stop her from twice building up 10k in credit card debt.
Post DDay we are attempting a wreckonsillyation and talking to a therapist in her office. “He is so controlling! He took control of our finances away from me.”
“No, you asked me too because you went back to school.”
“That’s not how I remember it.”
“You know that is not how it happened. You cannot just rewrite history.”
“That is just how I remember it.”
Total lie. Therapist told me to be glad she was gone.

QuantumChump
QuantumChump
3 years ago
Reply to  Bruno

I let her take over finances when I took a job with long hours and a commute. Second biggest mistake of my life. When she abandoned us, I started looking at old bank statements, wow, she had been planning this for awhile. She had many accounts and credit cards alone or joint with her family. I had nothing but joint accounts with her. Pure Evil.

Adelante
Adelante
3 years ago
Reply to  QuantumChump

I had nothing but joint accounts with my ex, too. In fact, his first credit card was mine–I added him to my account. Then, when we divorced, I found that despite having opened the account myself, and having that credit card for over 30 years, I was unable to remove him from the account. I had to close the account, and the only new one available from that bank had less favorable terms. He, however, had a number of credit cards with only his name on them, which meant I never saw those statements, and therefore didn’t know what he was spending money on or how much he was spending. AND, because after he bitched and moaned about my doing the bills I turned the money management over to him, I didn’t even know how much he was spending, and on what. Only after I’d decided to start getting my ducks in a row did I finally realize I could now go online and look, so I did. What I discovered about his spending went a long way to getting me unstuck about ending the marriage.
I’ve been divorced and managing my own money now for two years, and despite worrying a lot about whether I’d be able to manage financially, I’ve managed to save over 30 thousand dollars. It’s true what other chumps here have said: once you disengage from a fuckwit, you’ll be surprised how much farther your money goes–even when there’s less money coming in.

Tessie
Tessie
3 years ago

“All our problems are due to you and your fuck you attitude.” In other words I refused to let him be a little pocket Hitler in our home, especially with my boys.

He didn’t get that to me it was a complement in that I was successfully managing to run interference in his abusive strategy of complete domination.

He wanted to be dictator, I wouldn’t allow it.

Fuck you attitude, oh yeah! Absolutely!

MMarg
MMarg
3 years ago

Mine said he stopped seeing his friends because of me. Waitaminute – his friends were the only people we saw. He turned overbearing, condescending and pouty the rare times we saw mine and I had to visit them without him to get any pleasure from it. Over 10 years, some of his friends drifted off until he was left with a core group of heavy drinkers. Oh.

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
3 years ago

He said, “You’re singing off-key” and then quietly walked away when he heard me singing a lullaby to get the baby back to sleep. I was an exhausted new mom.

Note: He hurled insults like this when he was angry that he wasn’t getting attention/sex. Jealous of a baby!

Sodisturbed73
Sodisturbed73
3 years ago

“You tell people I’m not handy”

Um, then do something? I did all the housework and yardwork and home repairs (I still do because I took the house). I honestly thought it was because he didnt know how. Turns out he was just lazy as fuck.

But the actual reason he gave for cheating was:
“sometimes you’re at work”.

Oh yeah because on top of doing almost everything at home, I also worked full time and put in a bunch of overtime to cover his debts and child support.

marissachump
marissachump
3 years ago
Reply to  Sodisturbed73

“But the actual reason he gave for cheating was:
“sometimes you’re at work”.”

I the reason I got was “you go to sleep early.” Yes, I go to sleep at a reasonable hour because I work full time while cheater worked VERY part time and stayed up all night every night partying and gaming with loser friends. 😀

Wiser Now
Wiser Now
3 years ago

The dumbest insult was the one that finally woke me up. He told me I was “worthless.” That was so over the top; I knew, even in my cowed state, that that was not true. He even knew he blew it (kibble-wise;) he actually apologized the following morning. Too late. It was the impetus I needed to move forward. And I did.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
3 years ago
Reply to  Wiser Now

Yep, sometimes you just can’t walk it back.

The worst thing of all the screaming and insulting my ex did pre Dday, was when his parting shot was “I never loved you, I was never faithful”

He apologized later, and said he only said it to make me hate him, but I accepted it as truth; and it stands today. There is just no flushing that turd.

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
3 years ago
Reply to  Wiser Now

Good for you????????!!

Kfindingmyway
Kfindingmyway
3 years ago

During the divorce, while trying to negotiate a settlement from a very large asset base, I was told I didn’t deserve half because I never showed any interest in the finances and that I was admittedly frugal. Bullshit. I deserved half and did receive close to half from the prostitute fucker.
I suffered from a night of bad dreams last night. It helps so much to be able to say these things here.

Chumplandia
Chumplandia
3 years ago

That I “brought nothing to the table” while living with me, in my townhouse in Point Loma, that I bought with my own money and excellent credit, while earning three times what he was making. “If you had been any shorter, I would not have asked you out”, while being a regular height woman of 5’4”. That one killed me – like I just barely nudged out the stable of 5’3” bikini models just DYING to date his wonderfulness. “I made a pros and cons list on you before I asked you to marry me”. Speechless. The red flags were everywhere, and I just didn’t have the self-esteem to realize that I could do waaaay better than this snob born with a silver spoon up his ass. He was also a momma’s boy, and let his mother run roughshod over me, so she did plenty of his dirty work for him. Beware the man who will not only not stand up to his mommy, but allows her mistreatment of you as a further means to chip away at your confidence.

Debbie
Debbie
3 years ago

When I was a stay at home mom to two boys: “You are a leech living off of me like a parasite. You contribute nothing.” When I got a job making almost as much as him: “You only work because you don’t want to be a mother.”

DBA Xena
DBA Xena
3 years ago
Reply to  Debbie

Damned if you work outside the house. Damned if you work inside the house.

Debbie
Debbie
3 years ago

“Why don’t you lose 30 pounds so that someone can love you?”

Hell of a Chump
Hell of a Chump
3 years ago
Reply to  Debbie

Oh we can’t win. Fuck their arbitrary criticism. I lost so much weight from all the stress and gaslighting prior to D-Day that I couldn’t legally give blood for a year. Then cheater complained to AP that I was too thin. Of course no proper bimbo thinks this is ever a bad thing and she purged herself down to a crusty strip of rawhide to compete. Dumbass.

After D-Day I managed to gain some weight back but didn’t do it for him. Lies kill and finally getting the truth is better for general health.

Amiisfree
Amiisfree
3 years ago
Reply to  Debbie

“I can easily lose well over 100 pounds in one day, Asshat. See ya.”

????

PutAForkInMe
PutAForkInMe
3 years ago

Let’s see:

“I don’t pay you to think.” We both graduated law school from a top 25 school (where I went undergrad as well), I had a higher GPA, passed the bar on the first go (he failed twice and stopped trying), and I had a successful career (while he had three year-long periods of unemployment – the first our first year of marriage, the second, the first year of our daughter’s life, and the third right before the first DDay) – I made more money than him and worked a couple of jobs to support us when he was underearning – but he didn’t pay me to think. Sigh!

Another one was “there are different levels of trust – like I can’t trust you to go to the grocery store and get the right items all the time.” This after I discovered that he’d been stalking and filming women with his phone.

Also, “if you just did what I told you to, when wouldn’t have problems” – this statement would happen every time I opted to use my brain and not his.

The Ex-Mrs. Sparkly Pants
The Ex-Mrs. Sparkly Pants
3 years ago
Reply to  PutAForkInMe

Mine told my mother, “I tell her what to do, but she just goes and does what she wants to anyway,” as explanation for why he “had to yell ” so much. Gee, if I just did what he told me to, life would have been perfect! I wouldn’t have had to deal with all those nasty temper tantrums and that time he strangled me then dumped me on the highway.

Adelante
Adelante
3 years ago
Reply to  PutAForkInMe

“I don’t pay you to think.”

My ex, who was passive aggressive, used a version of this: “You just keep thinking, Butch. That’s what you’re good at.” He’d say it in a joking manner, so he could get away with insulting me while maintaining plausible deniability.

And, like you, we had both gotten our PhDs from the same Ivy League school, had exactly the same job, held exactly the same rank, and had exactly the same salary–until I spearheaded a move to get him an award that gave him a one thousand dollar salary boost. Plus, the whole reason the award was put into the base salary and not given as a one time award was that one when I had some years earlier been chair of the university’s policy committee I had argued for doing that.

It never occurred to me until after I’d divorced him that there were a lot of these disguised insults. Humor was just one way he got away with them.

Hell of a Chump
Hell of a Chump
3 years ago
Reply to  Adelante

I wondered if it would be possible to chart depth of cheating by frequency of passive-agressive “jokes.”

vee
vee
3 years ago

I have a few:

– The retroactive accusation such as in 2008 you said/did this. I usually could not remember these things because they were so long ago, couldn’t remember the context in which I might have said/done such things, so there was no way for me to defend, explain myself or even own my mistake after so long had passed

– “You think differently than I do” (no way, it’s not like we’re 2 different people with different experiences)

– “You’re boring because you like to stay home” (I’m an introvert and always was, I like being at home and spend time by myself, it’s just who I’ve always been and I don’t think I should feel ashamed of it. I’m also creative and have a lot of imaginations and hobbies, I just need some alone time every now and then)

– “Our good times we’re good but didn’t happen often enough” (Looks at phones with tons of pics of our outings with the dogs, pubs, hiking, holidays and supposedly fun times that weren’t good or often enough)

– “You’re a decent mum, but you could do better” after I didn’t remember by heart my teen’s daily sessions at school after he had only restarted 2 weeks before (nevermind that I was a sahm who did 80% of childcare, made sure he did his homework, organised his tutors when needed, made sure he’d go to bed and wake up on time, did his laundry, all dinners, took care of all lunches, spoke to teachers etc, all by myself because my family lives in another country and he travelled for work so he wasn’t around all that often)

– “You never really had a job” nevermind that we both agreed I would be a sahm after we had our child so that my X could work long hours and travel during the week to get the career he wanted, but I also DID work before having our child, but because I didn’t have a fancy corporate job like him apparently it didn’t matter

– “You have trust issues” (this was before finding proof he was cheating but I suspected it, he knew full well that I was right to be sus, so idk how he could say that since his conscience was far from clean)

– “You would never eat what I wanted to eat” (I developed gastritis in the past few years so I was trying to find a balance between what I could eat and digest without feeling terrible afterwards, I have no idea why this should be a reason for resentment)

Hesatthecurb
Hesatthecurb
3 years ago

POP, the Predatory Opportunistic Parasite, was living with me–all expenses paid. In a 7 figure home on 15 acres, with all the amenities one could want. He had access to three luxury vehicles. From all indications, we were in madly in love, yet of course he had a harem. A HAREM. He sought me out to use me in every way possible.

This largess was mostly due to my appropriately generous divorce settlement.

After having to go through the eviction process to finally get him out, POP called me one day and after trying to weedle his way back into my life and being soundly rebuffed, he spat at ME that I was a ‘parasite, living off your ex husband’.

That’s moronic irony if I’ve ever heard it.

MehBeSoon
MehBeSoon
3 years ago

I was told that I was controlling, judgmental, etc., for responding harshly his betrayals and abuse. Then he told me it was MY fault that he cheated, because 1) I left lights on when leaving the room; and 2) I didn’t put the dishes in the sink correctly. These were his signs that I didn’t appreciate him sufficiently and so his cheating was justified.

Faithful Rage
Faithful Rage
3 years ago
Reply to  MehBeSoon

This made me laugh because I got the exact same complaints. Mine even put motion sensor switches in the bathrooms so when someone showered the lights would go off—and you’d have to wave your hand outside of the shower to get the lights to come back on. So embarrassing to explain to guests. Last weekend I YouTubed how to remove those damn light switches and guess what? I, the useless waste of space, replaced them all.

QuantumChump
QuantumChump
3 years ago
Reply to  MehBeSoon

Oh, I too had insufficient dishwasher loading skills. I practically forced her to suck those other dicks!

Veronica Northrup
Veronica Northrup
3 years ago

“You’re so stupid you can’t even talk”, “You’re like a stupid squirrel going around in circles”, “You may find someone after me, but they won’t be as good as me!” “You need to eat…being that skinny won’t win me back” (I was going through hyperthyroidism and didn’t even know it!)

Yas
Yas
3 years ago

He said I said a lot of ash and uhhm while talking

Yas
Yas
3 years ago
Reply to  Yas

Sorry, *aah

JO
JO
3 years ago

“You never wanted to FaceTime with my family”

I was often forced to FaceTime with his overbearing, dysfunctional, controlling family. When I got to be around 8-9 months pregnant I would sometimes say I wasn’t in the mood to FaceTime but tell them I say hi. This wasn’t a once a month call but several calls throughout the week. Apparently that was the cardinal sin of the family so I was banished. No loss there. I also called his mom crazy once. No regrets, truth hurts.

Newlady15
Newlady15
3 years ago

“RC hates you” RC being a good friend of mine. Funny how RC invited me to his home for New Years Eve that year and there were only 10 of his closest friends there… hmmmm. We remain friends to this day. The ex… not that I know of…

Nursechump
Nursechump
3 years ago

Mine told me that he couldn’t repair the damage to his ego because I didn’t want him as much anymore. I was called “lazy” and “fat” especially when he thought the house was not clean enough for his standards. Mind you I was working full time, going to nursing school full time, we had two kids and we were in the process of adopting infant twins! His way of helping was washing a load of laundry a day…When he left it didn’t take me long to feel relief!

Newlady15
Newlady15
3 years ago

That’s not the best. The best is “ you MADE me lie”. HUH?!!! I can laugh now..

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
3 years ago

As we were running together: “If you lost five pounds, running up this hill wouldn’t be so hard for you.” An avid runner, I was in my late 40s and a size 4.

Years later, I ran faster than he. He stopped wanting to run together. But it didn’t stop him from criticizing my body: “You think you have such a nice body, but you don’t.” What? I’m dissatisfied with my appearance like most American women so never thought I had such a nice body.

Looking back, he often criticized my looks. When he tossed out the zinger about my not having a nice body, I said, “That’s mean.” His reply? “I know.”

Badmovie19
Badmovie19
3 years ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

Yeah probably about 2 months before he discarded me so heavy in the devaluation stage, he asked me what was wrong with my eyebrow? He accused me of tweezing it too much and had gotten an ingrown hair. I replied no -that’s a mole. A mole that has been near my eyebrow for all 20+ years of our relationship. It’s like they try to come up with anything to upset you. ????‍♀️

Boo Hoo
Boo Hoo
3 years ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

Wow. You are so much better off without him. No one signs up for mean. Mine never did that, he was super covert. He would say things like, “I can’t live without you.” which was code for, “I can’t be on my own and you can’t leave me alone or I will fake trying to kill myself.”

BetterwAge
BetterwAge
3 years ago

Our 18th wedding anniversary was 8 days before D-Day. The card he gave me;
Outside: People ask what it is like to have the most amazing, sexy, perfect spouse…
Inside: I tell them to ask my wife

Card cost $6 and he was unemployed at the time, so I paid for the stupid thing.

Chumparoo
Chumparoo
3 years ago

My personal favorite: “YOU ARE SUCH A FAKER!!!” Screamed to me across the parking lot as we left church, as he’s in the middle of a (unbeknownst to me) 7 year affair

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
3 years ago

Finally this: “All you care about is a penis and a paycheck.”

Insult and self-flattery in one.

DuddersGetsChumpes
DuddersGetsChumpes
3 years ago

I wouldn’t let him cook (news to me, and he did cook). Every week I would say what do you guys want to eat this week to which I would get the stock ‘what do you think?’ back response. I sorted all the shopping etc and a large part of the cooking.

However apparently this explains my barrelling dominance, that wouldn’t even let him cook a meal. Once I gather he suggested a meal idea and I chimed I with something like, you know what I have remembered we have that in the fridge to use up (why would he know like he sorts any of it). Just outright proof of my controlling horrible ways. Never said anything about it of course. Pathetic.

And yet when I met someone since (could go through with another relationship I decided) he cooked at least 50% of the time including buying the food and I let him. Surprising that.

There are so many more. Shakes head.