Returning to Caretake a Cheater Late in Life?

I’d do it if I knew he had less than 2 years to live and everything was written across to me in his will. Would be the worst 2 years of his life – heh heh.

If my children pulled that on me, I would tell them to contact the other woman.

There is no way I would help him in his old age. He was never there for me when we were married. I also will have nothing to do with his funeral. If he doesn’t have life insurance, then someone else can pay to bury his ass.

Besides No Contact means No Contact and I signed my No Contact contract for life.

Wow. I Thought this site was different. I got political views thrown at me that had nothing to do with the subject over at Betrayed Wives Club, and when I gave my opposing view that was different, I was called a bully and told to shut up because I had never been raped or physically assaulted.

What this lady is asking has nothing to do with the confirmation hearings of Amy Conen Barrett (which is the right under the constitution of any president – to fill an empty Supreme Court Seat) or your opinions on it. I know it’s your blog – but Jesus Christ – don’t we get enough bullshit everywhere else? Just stick to the Chumplady stuff which is awesome and has helped me immensely. Maybe start another blog – LeftistLady.com for your political views.

That being said-my Ex broke his foot a few months ago. He kept trying to get my sympathy-he was alone during COVID, couldn’t work – and lives away from us where he chose to go. I could care less. He deserved it.

I’ve known people who have done this sort of thing, and I’m aware that I was once one of them.

I’m not anymore.

People need to do what they need to do, I guess. When I was in that headspace, of unconditionally giving to a person I had once loved, words likely wouldn’t have talked me out of it. Chumpiness is like that sometimes.

Today, though, the answer is a clear and unequivocal “no”, and I feel no compulsion to elaborate to the abuser about why that’s the answer. Nor do I feel obliged to help any person who has abused me to feel better about it later so they can feel resolved about it.

No, I won’t come help you. With anything.

No, I don’t care that you’re apologizing and I have no resolution to offer you.

No, I don’t want to talk to you.

No, I don’t care whether you have grown, or changed, or have something to say to me, or what it is.

No, I don’t still care about you, or love you, or wish you well.

No, you don’t matter.

No.

Welcome to Canada, Chump Lady. I would happily sponsor you. Pack your bags.
I would also happily piss on my cheater’s grave. After 32 years and 3 children, I was fired
from being his wife. Let skanks #1 and #2 wipe his butt and his barf. My cruise ship leaves
today at 5 pm. Tootles.

This was my parents within the last six years. My dad left when I went to college leaving my mom in a big empty house. He resented her for selling it. She moved into her moms house who was no longer living. The problem with that was my dad built the house for her mom and both of their names were on the deed. He used that entitlement to enter and stay all the time. I think us kids accepted it because it was our norm but my mom was full of resentment. She was abused and had a right to her anger. When he got sick he went to her home and that’s where hospice came and he died there. My brother and I did the majority of caretaking but she was there. She and I was with him when he died and she was touching his arm. I think she was relieved that part of her life was over. She told me lots of things in the following years about her abuse.
The ex had a second or third life. Who knows? He used that same form of entitlement to come into our home at his pleasure. I asked him to move out and he said he’d never leave this house but would move me and the kids out. I finally left hopefully breaking a link in the family abuse chain and teaching kids their value and that boundaries are good and necessary.

This reminds me of something my daughter recently stated when we were discussing the distribution of my personal items which included items of my mother. She said, “Don’t put that on me.”

This statement applies to all those out there who use guilt to justify a chump of being of further use.

No one can use you unless you allow them to do so. Yet many like myself were champions of managing their image to others.

Thank you so much for addressing my question and more importantly, for cutting through the crap. In hearing these 3 confidences, I had 3 different responses — I guess based on how well I knew the people. For the friend who had been beaten, I kind of just said, “Fuck that! If your kids feel the need to help, they should do so, but it’s another form of a beating to even have the nerve to ask you.” For the co-worker, I said, “I couldn’t do that with my ex. He was too much of a shit.” For the most recent one, “I hope you have something in writing that gives you his condo when he’s dead.”

I’d like to add a couple of thoughts about Amy. I became familiar with People of Praise over 30 years ago. We had hired a new junior programmer from Notre Dame and he was a member of the group. It became obvious how much he was involved when he would mention that he was living with a PoP family until he was married. He broke a couple of hearts — eventually coming to take the coaching his PoP family was providing and marrying within the PoP — someone they had found for him. He couldn’t get past the fact that the women available at work weren’t virgins. I lost track of how many kids they had. He was actively proselytizing at the work location and another woman in our department joined and pulled along her husband. Then they approached me (their manager) and asked if I would allow them to lead prayer at things like department meetings/lunches. I nixed that. In 1990, I was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer, told to put my affairs in order. The PoP did a healing ceremony over me (I’m Catholic … but not the speaking in tongues type of Catholic). I did not join PoP, but I did get more insight. And I continued with my chemo. Women were definitely subordinate 30 years ago. The PoP has formed communities around the US — Notre Dame, Indiana, a place in Florida, and in Washington, DC. Women weren’t forbidden to work, but there was definite hierarchy within the family unit. Families meet weekly for a common meal at different members house. They do give 10% to their local churches or maybe it’s 10% to the local church and the PoP combined. Amy — and the People of Praise — will view it as her obligation to her faith to vote as the PoP would vote. She will not have her own opinion, nor will she have an opinion based on other than what the PoP views as god’s law. She will treat this as a proselytizing opportunity. There is no separation of church and state to them.

My grandma took care of my cheating grandpa when he was sick with leukemia in the ’70s. They’d never gotten divorced, but she went home to the States when they were stationed in Argentina (he was in the foreign service) because he wanted to live with his mistress, who then didn’t want to care for a terminally ill man. Once he died, she never even dated anyone again, even though she lived for another 25 years. I think she definitely felt like it was her duty to care for him, that if she didn’t, she would be judged, especially since they weren’t divorced and she hadn’t made his affairs public. It’s pretty messed up.

I’m sorry, but Ex-Mrs LFTT chose to cheat.

In doing so she started off on a one way road and there is no turning back as far as I am concerned; she didn’t just walk out on me, but our children too. My liabilities in terms of “in sickness and in health” ceased in moral terms when she decided to cheat and in legal terms when she signed the divorce agreement (clean break).

Unfortunately she is now dropping very heavy hints to our eldest two children (24 and 21) about the need for them to look after her in her old age, which is incredibly manipulative (and disingenuous) given what she did to us all and how she did it.

The children take the same view I do; this is a “her problem.”