I am seven months post d-day, which occurred about two days after my husband moved out to live with OW. For the past 4 years he had been a stay-at-home father and student while I busted my rear end to support our family. As a stay-at-home parent he taught our children freestyle art (mostly on the walls), how to surf through thousands of YouTube videos, followed a strict no eating at the table policy and more or less kept the kids alive while he focused on more… titillating things… like sexting other women. My chumpiness knows no bounds!
Our children (3 and 6) do not know he has an OW and have not been to his new home.
For various reasons our children cannot stay with him. His roommates use drugs (likely him too in retrospect). At least one of his roommates can be easily found through a simple search at a very popular pornography website. His OW lost custody of her own children when she left her husband (not her kid’s biological father) to be with my cheater three days before a custody hearing. These people have questionable judgement at best (and who knows what else was going on there?!?). The separation agreement makes clear he cannot have the kids around anyone not related by blood or marriage.
He does spend time with our kids four days a week in my home while I work. Two of those days I’m home in my office, and the other two I’m physically at work. A security system keeps him out of areas of my home I don’t want him to access. I cannot afford childcare — about $2200/month for two kids full-time — (the 6 year old is in remote school until his school district allows face-to-face instruction again). I don’t have family nearby that can keep my kids for me. I’d love some suggestions on how to handle the childcare issue.
The holidays are approaching and per our separation agreement he gets our kids for both Thanksgiving and Christmas this year. He does not have a job, and does not want to take the kids to see his family for the holidays. Instead, he wants me to cook Thanksgiving dinner at my house and to spend the day here. For Christmas he wants to come to my house in the middle of the night to set up Santa gifts and to spend the day at my home. He wants our kids to have a “normal” family holiday.
The thing is, I’ve spent the past 7 months trying to accept that my marriage is over. I’ve done some serious self-reflection over how I was so blind to all the manipulation, gaslighting and deceit. Meanwhile I feel obliged to compromise my serenity over the holidays because my cheater is more or less a child that can’t get his shit together.
On the one hand I would be spending the holidays alone (thanks, COVID-19) and this arrangement means I get to see my kids open their gifts on Christmas morning. On the other, they don’t have a “normal” family anymore and I know the holidays will be emotionally difficult for me… more so if cheater is around!
What do I do?
Home for the Holidays?
P.S. I have a lawyer and she is great. Fuckwit has signed a quit claim deed for the house we bought together (which has increased in value fairly significantly since he left). He has also waived his “rights” to spousal support (he thought he’d try to get some sort of alimony from me initially) and basically only took his clothes and some video games when he left. Everything he left at our home is mine. He has no rights to my retirement or other savings, etc. It was pretty easy to negotiate once I had proof of his affair (and lots of other unsavory shit I uncovered once I realized I needed to start digging).
‘Tis the season for Holidays with Fuckwits columns. Every year about this time new chumps ask — do I have to spend holidays with this freak? And the answer is always a resounding NO! NO YOU DO NOT! Welcome to your new liberated fuckwit-free life!
He wants our kids to have a “normal” family holiday.
People in hell want a cool drink of water. He can “want” lots of stupid things, it doesn’t mean he’s going to get them. He just feels entitled to them.
He should’ve thought about his kids when he moved out for his OW. But I guess his dick wasn’t thinking in advance of shit like… consequences.
The first holiday during a divorce is pretty rough, I won’t lie, but the good news is that your future is Normal Family Holidays. Because you are a complete family, just minus one fuckwit. You will make your own traditions, like perhaps celebrating Thanksgiving and X-mas on alternate days when it’s not your year, or eating cookies for breakfast, or hosting Elf movie marathons. Whatever your heart desires!
Your issue now is really just about extracting the fuckwit. From your holiday schedule and from your daycare situation.
Let’s go with the easiest one first.
First, you are to be commended for engineering a brilliant settlement 7 months since your D-Day! WELL DONE. And seeing as your signed, enforceable separation agreement states he cannot have the kids around anyone they’re not related to by blood or marriage — and seeing as he lives with the OW (not blood, not Mrs. Fuckwit yet) — and as he has no other living situation (family), he should have to forfeit the kids to you this year.
Nothing in your agreement says he has to be at your house for the holidays, RIGHT?
So, have your lawyer write a letter and abide by the agreement. He needs to make other plans.
Then, have the alternate holiday schedule starts after the divorce is final. And you get them again next year. This should give him some time to sort out his life.
But… but… won’t this make childcare awkward?
Sure. But not as awkward as having to spend time with a fuckwit on the holidays.
But… but… isn’t this a bold power play? And a matter of interpretation of the agreement? Denying him his first year of the holidays? When he’s signed over everything else?
You know what’s not fair? Being abandoned. Being the sole breadwinner and being chumped. Whatever leverage you have on him — use it. Get the holiday you need this year.
Now then, childcare. Ugh. I wish I had a better solution for you. Maybe chumps who are juggling work and virtual learning with small children can weigh in. This arrangement you have sounds like HELL. And must be so confusing to the kids (and your heart!) that he’s around being “dad”, but then he goes home to Schmoopie. How cake-y and delicious for him, what a nightmare for you all.
If it were me, I would resign myself to it as a temporary, COVID-lockdown solution, and look to a long-term solution (schools re-open, there is a vaccine, democracy functions again…) Eat the shit sandwich and keep those office doors locked. He’s a fuckfit and he’s free childcare.
That’s very different than being a plus-one at your Thanksgiving table or on Christmas morning. His services are no longer needed.
He gave you the pink-slip, now you give him one.