Stay in Touch

Check out CL's Book

Where’s My Justice?

Dear Chump Lady,

Six months on from D-Day and I’m pissed. Where is my meh? Where is my happiness after the pain and trauma from his affair?

He is now in a relationship with the OW and they are free to post pictures of each other on social media. Why is everyone okay with what they done? Mutual friends of ours liking posts, and leaving love heart emojis as a sign of acceptance and support. What they did is forgotten and forgiven. Why?! Do I pale in significance and don’t render important enough to be cared about?

I’ve done so much work on myself these past 6 months and had been feeling so much stronger, but all it took was to hear he has moved one street over from me and to be shown images on Instagram to have me weeping and feeling like the low-beat loser he made me feel just 6 small months ago. Will I ever escape this feeling and find justice for my suffering and more importantly, happiness?

Yours,

Miss – Erable

Dear Miss-Erable,

Justice? Oh, it’s all on backorder. It’s the most perverse catalog ever. You rarely get the things you order, if they show up at all.

Much better to focus on the “gain a life” portion of losing a cheater. You control that. I know you want to smother the next person who says “The best revenge is a life well lived.” But it is. He doesn’t control the means of production on your happiness. YOU own that.

In time you’ll realize you lost a cheating fuckwit. He was never a prize. And it really won’t matter what he does or who he does it with. (In a box, with a fox, on his head, with a Fred…) He remains a fuckwit.

Six months on from D-Day and I’m pissed.

Totally normal. It’s early days. This shit is traumatic. The anger keeps you vigilant. Which again, is normal after being violated. As I’ve written here many times, I would MUCH rather have an angry new chump than a sad, paralyzed one. The fighting spirit will get you through. It’s the immobilized limbo chumps I worry about.

Where is my meh?

Miss, it’s been SIX MONTHS. You don’t get meh after six months. I don’t know if this was a shitty boyfriend or a 20-year marriage from what you wrote. Just keep investing in your new life, stay no contact, and don’t give him centrality. Meh is hard-won. It’s a mental battle, especially in the early days.

Where is my happiness after the pain and trauma from his affair?

If you just got chumped and were happily skipping about, deliriously happy, I would seriously wonder about you. If you’re a human who bonds, it hurts like a mofo to un-bond.

What you’re really asking here is: how can HE be happy? Doesn’t he feel the same degree of loss?

NO. Because he swaps out partners like used air filters. If he’s a cheater, his attachments are shallow. Do you really long for the love from someone who’s a deep as a puddle of piss? Or do you miss the lie? The OW “won” a shallow puddle of piss.

I’m not telling you this to make you feel better (down with him! up with you!), it’s simply an observable FACT. People who cheat aren’t deep. That’s what their actions say.

He is now in a relationship with the OW and they are free to post pictures of each other on social media.

And you are free to NOT LOOK AT IT. Why are you doing this? The fastest path to healing is total no contact. Put DOWN the social media!

Why is everyone okay with what they done?

If the world you surround yourself with is okay with you being cheated on, Miss, you need a new world.

Consider this experience a litmus test of who is worthy to be in your life and who is not. Arrange your social register accordingly.

Mutual friends of ours liking posts, and leaving love heart emojis as a sign of acceptance and support.

They aren’t “mutual friends,” they are his friends. And you are his ex. And they’re not that deeply invested in the story. They probably heart emoji-ed a cute puppy video today.

A true friend of YOURS will not heart emoji your cheating ex-boyfriend.

I’m sorry, it’s painful to realize that people were not as close as you once imagined, but again, reassess your standards. Figure out who your true friends are and jettison the others, or demote them to casual acquaintances.

What they did is forgotten and forgiven. Why?! Do I pale in significance and don’t render important enough to be cared about?

Other people don’t give you significance. YOU set your worth. Not them. Don’t look to other people for feelings of importance. Believe in your importance and LIVE IT. If someone treats you like shit? Don’t chase after them for validation. Follow your own set of values and standards.

They just sent you a very clear signal, that yeah, you don’t matter much. To THEM. Okay, that’s valuable information. It says NOTHING about your self-worth. It says they’re shallow people who don’t think too deeply about you or your former relationship. (They’d probably feel a lot different if they were cheated on, and think back to how you might’ve behaved to any of your friends who were chumped once… most people lack perspective and empathy on this.)

Next!

all it took was to hear he has moved one street over from me and to be shown images on Instagram to have me weeping and feeling like the low-beat loser he made me feel just 6 small months ago.

His zip code doesn’t make you a loser. STOP FOLLOWING HIM ON INSTAGRAM.

Even the most stalwart of the Meh wouldn’t want to live one block away from a toxic ex. I wouldn’t want to live near a manure lagoon. Consider moving, or just work harder on those boundaries and the no contact. You don’t control where he lives, but you can control how you react. Fake indifference until you feel indifference.

Will I ever escape this feeling

Yes. The pain is finite. Practice no contact. You’ll get there.

and find justice for my suffering

It’s all on back order. Don’t make “justice” contingent on your healing. That’s your work. The karmic scheduler has his own agenda.

and more importantly, happiness?

Again, he doesn’t control the means of production your happiness. Don’t give him that power! He’s a shitty EX.

Let’s say it loudly: ex! EX! EX!!

He’s someone you used to know. Not very well.

Meh.

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • It’s been 5 years since my divorce was finalized. I’ve moved on, literally moved away so I don’t have to bump into Xhole in the grocery store.

    My life is great in every way. But…the kids can mention something off hand, like his rich new girlfriend or the party they went to at his place and it still gives me a twinge. So far, no justice, no karma. Sounds like he’s doing even better and is about to get a big pay raise when half of my pension starts flowing to him.

    I can’t keep looking backwards or waiting for karma. I keep moving on. Life is too short. But…still angry about my pension. blah. Just a little karma would be nice.

    • Miss-erable. CL has said it all, but just to reiterate and *underline* the most important first step. *No Contact*!!!

      And as well as the obvious, blocking phone, email etc, that means *not* looking at fuckwit’s social media.

      First of all, remember people only post what looks like the good stuff on fb etc. Fuckwit certainly isn’t going to advertise any problems/dissatisfaction with his whore, why would he! Its all got to look like sparkles and rainbows, whether it is or isn’t. This pigtard is *not in your life anymore* it doesn’t *matter* what his life is like, what matters is *your* life. So *don’t look*, it will only give you pain.

      Secondly, all those “mutual friends” with ‘likes’ and heart emojis? These people are not *your* friends, they are flying monkeys who are as deep as the fucktard and his whore, which is to say they are shallow, contemptible people with no moral compass. You don’t need ‘friends’ like that, someone like you can do a hell of a lot better. Set your boundaries, and have nothing to do with the sort of people who think betrayal and lying are OK. You’re not like them, you have *standards*

      6 months in is not long, you still have a lot of pain and anger to process, so don’t exacerbate it by looking at shit bags social media. Help yourself.

      Justice. I totally understand the longing for it, as does every single member of CN. But the sad truth is, you will likely never get it, and longing/hoping for it distracts you from the most important thing here, *you*, and *your* life. Gaining a life isn’t easy, especially in these Covid days when interaction with others is so difficult, but agonising over the fuck wit’s social media will *not* help you.

      No Contact is for *you*, and it’s a *discipline*. It’s not easy, the temptation to look can be overwhelming(I so know), but *resist*. I got myself off fb because the temptation to look was so strong.

      CN is here for you hun, come here and vent, read the archives. *Everything* you’re feeling and experiencing has been gone through by all of us, and it will get better, I promise.

      I’m 3 years out from Dday, the divorce was final in January 2019. Do I still get feelings of grief/rage, hurt, longing for justice? Yes, but *much less* as time goes by, and I build my fuckwit free life. It will be the same for you, truly.

      ((hugs)). You are not alone. 💖💕🤗

      • Also, I don’t know your circumstances, but if this shit bag has moved into your neighbourhood, you need to move away if you’re in a position to do so.

        I read posts from chumps here, who have to live in close proximity to the cheaters, because of children, shared businesses etc, and my heart goes out to them. Healing is 10x more difficult if one has to see, or is afraid of seeing, these evil fucktards.

        So, if you possibly can, move away. Luckily for me, I was in a position to do so, and I did. I can’t begin to describe the relief of knowing he doesn’t know where I am, and I’m not going to bump into him. Although I must admit if I see a car/van that looks like his, my BP goes sky high.

    • Most days I feel like I have moved on. but sometimes things come up and I feel angry. the x had spend almost all of his 401k over a 8 year period but mine was intact. So I got very little equity out of the home we had owned for over 20 years and 5 years away from it being paid off. I got a whole $12,000 when it should have been more like $150,000 plus. the $12,000 was used to pay off some bills but don’t have enough left for a down payment on another place. But got to keep all of my 401k.
      But I also now have a savings account that I don’t have to worry about it disappearing out from under me. I have moved to California to be closer to my (our) daughter and granddaughters and building a new and wonderful life.

      The only justice I have had is the one he was having his affair with was a drug addict, went apeshit crazy on him and he is further in debt than when we were together. He has moved on to girlfriend #2 even before he dumped girlfriend #1 who was living with him. So he has learned nothing or grown from who he was. And I don’t miss that at all.

  • It was 6 months when I discovered she had committed multiple affairs, not just the one that ended our marriage. It was 6 months before my therapist told me I had PTSD, and that’s why I couldn’t sleep and was crying when the wind blew. It was 6 months when I still wondered why all of “our” friends were liking her Facebook posts about her new boyfriend.

    Give it time. After 6 months I was more entrenched than ever. I’m at 2.5 years now and it’s still not perfect but I totally agree that none of those “friends” are real friends and she is not much more than a footnote for me. And, unfortunately, the children.

    • Yes to all of this. I also received a PTSD diagnosis. I was a total mess 6 months after DDay#1. I’m about 2.5 years out too, still in regular therapy. Bad days are so much less now but still not totally to “meh.” EMDR therapy can help enormously with PTSD.

      • I would imagine that most chumps have some form of post-traumatic stress. I am looking for a therapist to do EMDR with – but in my case, I believe I have C(omplex)-PTSD. My first trauma was likely when I had cancer treatments in my 20’s – at one point, I was given a 30% chance of long-term survival (5+ years). That was 25 years ago!

        But my other traumas have all been based on my marriage, and I believe they have gotten worse over time, due to re-triggering. My STBX’s first affair was in 2004, when my oldest daughter was 2: it lasted only a few days while she was away on a research trip, and I discovered it about a week later. She cut it off as soon as I discovered it and was eager to do all the therapy, make new agreements, etc. In recent years, I didn’t even think about it anymore. But none of my therapists at the time recognized the signs of trauma after this event: I never felt rested, had trouble concentrating, escaped into books and movies, etc. I never completed my PhD dissertation.

        STBX then spent several years engaging in what I call “affair lite” behavior. One issue is that we are both women, and most of our close friends are women. I was able to hold boundaries with anybody I might have been attracted to, but of course STBX couldn’t. There was always a low level of background noise keeping the trauma active. Then, there was a blow-up in STBX’s family over the issue of whether we would have a second kid. I had been holding a boundary around that for several years, because I was so tired all the time, but STBX and her family finally wore me down – she effectively made an ultimatum, and I wasn’t prepared to give up my life as I knew it at that point. So I said we could talk about it, and STBX ran with that – while it wasn’t an active trauma, it was definitely triggering, and I started to realize what and who I had been living with.

        Then came D-Day #2 in 2018. STBX’s excuse was that her mom had just died, but of course later I learned that she had been flirting with others and considering a new affair for several years (because, guess what? Kid #2 didn’t solve all her problems, either!) This time, the affair lasted several months, and STBX couldn’t bring herself to end it right away after trickle-disclosing it to me. I was obviously traumatized that time: I lost almost 20 pounds in 3 weeks, and after a very brief sense of relief when STBX ended the affair, I started experiencing very clear symptoms of post-traumatic stress. I am sure the trauma was worse because of my prior traumas, esp. affair #1, and all the low-level stress I had been under for the entire length of my 20-year marriage at that point.

        While I have been wanting to do EMDR for a while now, to see if it will provide some relief, I’ve also resisted it in a way, because the first time it was suggested to me, it was framed as a way to help with reconciliation. And STBX really latched onto that idea – it was yet another way for her to shift blame to me, when I was not able to find a local therapist who could do EMDR with me. Now, we are separated and headed toward divorce, so I will be more willing to try it. But I also am realistic enough to know that this complex trauma is something I will be working on for a while. In the meantime, I am sticking with the tried-and-true CL mantra of No Contact! (It’s just been difficult to do with all the child custody negotiations around Covid, since I’m at higher risk for severe disease. Yet another reason to look forward to a resolution to this global nightmare!)

        But yeah, I think most of us develop C-PTSD even if we’re dealing with only a single affair, because each new disclosure is a new re-triggering event. For anybody who has tried to stay in their marriage at all post D-Day, and has dealt with all the manipulations, they add up to a whole series of mini-traumas. I stayed in an in-home separation for 15 months post-D-Day #2, because STBX was very good at the Genuine Imitation Naugahyde Remorse, and I was unwilling to blow up my own and my kids’ lives while I was still so traumatized. But Every. Single. Conversation involved at least one instance of manipulation: deceit, minimizing, gaslighting, triangulation, blameshifting. So, Every. Single. Time. I talked to STBX about anything vulnerable, I was re-triggered.

        That’s why No Contact is the only road to peace. And some therapy might help, too – if you can find a good person who understands emotional trauma.

        • Hey LezChump, try Pete Walker’s book about C PTSD. I actually started and restarted it a few times because I didn’t find it very helpful at first and I felt very restless but at some point it clicked and was very eye opening.

          I have struggled with multiple traumas too, so I recommend the book.

          Lots of love.

        • LezChump,

          I found EMDR to be essential. It is work and does not end the pain and grief. It does help ease the depth of the trauma and lets your mind rest. Along with EMDR I did Rosen Method Body/Mind Work. To me it complimented the EMDR and helped with the physical pain and grief.

          The wonderful thing about cheating is that it is not just mental betrayal, it is a physical betrayal.

          • Thank you, Queen and SR. I am hoping to find an EMDR-trained therapist in the next couple of weeks. It will be interesting to see whether practioners distinguish between classic PTSD and C-PTSD. I can report back on Reddit after I’ve tried it for a while!

            • I had terrible C-PTSD symptoms after DV, Dday, fake reconciliation, teens’s Suicide attempts, 10 day divorce trial….. I went to a trauma therapist for a few months. However, I got more relief from EMDR tapping YouTube videos and daily meditations on abandonment. Sounds seriously hokey but helped a lot.

        • (((Big hugs to you, LezChump))

          I was diagnosed with CPTSD, too. I’m doing somatic therapy with a trauma specialist and it’s helping immensely. Sending you the best thoughts for finding the right practitioner.

      • My older brother is a therapist in another state and he helped me tremendously after DDay. He also recognized the potential for PTSD and found a therapist near me that incorporated it into his practice. I found it to be very helpful in getting past the trauma of discovery of my lying, cheating XW.
        Highly recommended.

  • Block him and all his friends on all your social media sites. It has been only 6 months. Give yourself time to heal. I know how being cheated on feels. In the future when you look back. You will realize that you are better off without him. Let him have the OW. She is not much of a catch if she has to pouch married men. They deserve eachother.

    • Before I blocked my husband I went in and wrote down all of his friends on Facebook. I did that while we were still friends. And then I removed him as a friend and I systematically blocked all of his Facebook friends.

      What I had found out was people can cull a lot of information from what I post even from friends of friends. and screenshots are a thing. And when you’re going through a divorce Facebook can be held against you in court.

      Blocking is great for going no contact, but it’s also good for not revealing your hand when you’re going through a legal action.

      • MC,

        I don’t do social media, but I did have someone (a trusted friend) monitor now Ex-Mrs LFTT’s public FaceBook profile for me during our divorce.

        She and her AP were cohabiting between their two houses – ie when she was off work she stopped at his house and when he was off work he stopped at her flat – all while denying to all an sundry (including her legal team and the judge) that she was in any form of relationship and demanding a ridiculous settlement. Putting a printout of her public profile stating that she’d been in a relationship with AP since [month/year] (the same month that she left me and the kids) with loevy-dovey photos of them in both houses (barf) in front of the judge blew her position out of the water; I got a very good settlement (including a clean break) as a result.

        I perhaps shouldn’t say it, but it was also one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen. She did an epic goldfish impression, her barrister looked ready to murder her (he had not long previously stated that she was not in a relationship) and the judge was clearly having to restrain himself from tearing her a new ars*hole. Solicitor’s fees for the afternoon were about £1K and the barrister was about another £3K …. but to me at the time, utterly priceless.

        Moral of the story; don’t put sh*t on social media that might bite you.

        • This is very important. Lock down your own social media–or better yet, limit the time you invest in it.

          On FB if you block someone, they can’t see your posts and you can’t see their posts or comments. Blocking, then, is actually safer than “unfriending” because if you make a post public, an “unfriended” person can see it. And please, block all the flying monkeys so you don’t accidentally see photos of X and Schmoops at someone’s party.

          Don’t take your pain to social media. Don’t post memes about infidelity, etc.. If you feel the need to express that way, go to Pinterest and open an account under a Pinterest name. Then meme away. I have 70 + boards, one of them all about my pain back then. If you keep that outlet secret, and your surround your angst with positive stuff (recipes, cat photos, etc.) you can probably get away with that. But not on the sites where people do a lot of individual sharing.

          I think it’s a great idea, if you are in a divorce or custody situation, to have someone monitoring the X’s and APs social media. But that “someone” shouldn’t be you. It’s never too soon to start practicing not only total physical “no contact” but mental no contact as well–meaning that you spend as little time as possible thinking about what X is doing or not doing, saying or not saying.

          • LAJ,

            I would also add that it’s a smart move to ask/tell (age dependent) your children to limit what they put about you on social media too.

            Even now (5 years after separation and 3 1/2 years post divorce), Ex-Mrs LFTT gets very agitated whenever my eldest daughter (24) posts something about me on her Instagram account. It would be funny if it wasn’t so invasive.

            Ex-Mrs LFTT has told our daughter “It’s not fair, you never post anything about me on your account” and blown her phone up to demand answers to “Why were you in a restaurant with Dad and why were you both dressed up? What were you celebrating? If Dad has been promoted at work again I need to know.”

            Daughter ended up blocking her mother, set her some very firm boundaries and is now much more careful abut what she posts, which is rather sad. Unfortunately, if she and I do something together that she wants to share with her friends, her mother’s behaviours mean that she has to think twice before posting about it.

          • LAJ, you introduced me to Pinterest, and I love it. It really helped me to post sarky/funny things about fucktard and the rat faced whore, well away from where he could see it, and not advertising my pain on fb. Which I’m not on anymore.

            I now find myself creating boards and pinning things which I find interesting/amusing/funny, totally unrelated to evil shit bag. It’s very therapeutic, so thank you! 👍😊

    • Agreed. What I’m realizing now is telling massive lies is not honorable conduct. And that yes this happened to me (& all of you). I’m learning a few times over that every relationship I’ve had where lying dominated every aspect of the relationship, I was able to step back and realize this didn’t just happen to me. It just happened. And it was also my experience. It happens to so many of us. And the liars just can’t help themselves. They lie to literally everyone they know. Never themselves.

      What I hear sometimes is that he is delusional. I don’t believe that anymore. Methodical lying though yes. That I believe. It had nothing to do with me personally. And I reached peaceful meh with every broken relationship. I trust I will with this one too. Sunk costs be damned. What matters now—is ME. And all my honor intact.

  • You have been given so much more than justice, you have been given awakening strength you didn’t know you had courage like you never dreamed you have been given freedom! Yes freedom. Free to be able to stare down bullshit and poo poo it…freedom of knowing how good your friends actually were, freedom to not let someone narrate your life, freedom to walk away head held high. My guess is what you are experiencing is well put by the tv psychologist that shares my hair style, old baldy himself, “Dr” Phil, he’d say you have unfinished emotional business with your ex. Let it go…write it off as a loss and nose into your new life free from bullshit

  • I think in this case it’s not about the x. It’s about the friends. Basically this is another D-Day. But it’s not your husband or boyfriend, it’s the friends.

    I had the same thing happen. I found that people that I thought were friends were not. Anybody who’s going to meet up with you and talk to you about what the ex is doing is not the friend that you thought they were.

    set boundaries. Set them with the people that you considered to be friends now and tell them that it is not cool to continue bringing these things up. If somehow you stumble upon them without looking for them on your own then you can deal with them. But you don’t need to have people plugging it into your head.

    I’ve had a number of people that I’ve had to mark off my friend list. I’ve had people that are not family anymore. What I realized is that they never were. There’s a reason that people flock to such a terrible person. Possibly that reason is the same reason that I did. They just don’t know and even if you told them they wouldn’t believe it.

    Would you have believed it in the beginning? I was told the truth in the beginning and I didn’t believe it. Now I’m living it. Set your boundaries. Make one of them that people don’t volunteer information about the ex unless you ask. And then don’t ask.

    • I lost several long-term friends when I divorced, and not necessarily because they were friends of “ours” or “his.” I lost my 30-year friendship with a gal I went to college with, because she had an affair with a married man 25 years prior and now couldn’t stand to think of how much that would hurt his wife/kids. I don’t know if his wife ever found out about it. I guess my pain caused her to feel guilty. I lost a friendship with my dear sister-in-law (my ex’s brother’s wife) because her husband would not allow me into their house, would hang-up on me when I called, intercepted letters I sent her, etc. Also, he had had several affairs during their marriage so my leaving his brother was threatening to him. The scumbag even came onto me one time! She and I still love each other but can’t really have a relationship due to his interference. I lost another long-term friend because she was tired of hearing about my trauma/PTSD. Many people who haven’t been through it just don’t know how to deal with it, and I’m not even talking about the “couples” friends I lost because the wife was threatened since I was now single and did not want me around their husbands. There’s more than enough shit to go around after betrayal. BUT…it does get better when we re-build our lives. The very few TRUE friends I have are pure gold.

        • She does! But I don’t believe she is strong enough, at this point, to do it. Her husband is in his ’70’s now.

      • Not to mention the “friends” who joke about how long it’s been since you’ve had sex when they suggest you give another married friend a ride home to his wife at the end of a party🤮. Or the husband of a “friend” who shouts across the room at a fancy country-club wedding….”what, are you batting for the other team now?”….when he finds out you’re still not dating. Just a few examples….You are so right, the d-days keep on coming.

      • The thing about wives not wanting single women around their husbands is real. I moved to a new town where I had many female work and personal connections that had been looking forward to building and strengthening. Turns out as long as I was married and/or lived in a different town I was fine, but now that I am here in town…..They don’t invite me to social gatherings (3rd wheel and all) and if I am seen to be talking to a husband they are quick to join the conversation and steer hubby away from me.

        I get how they might think that a single woman just can’t “be single” without hitting on every man in the world – but then again do they really think that I would be so quick to turn around and do the very thing that someone did to me that destroyed my marriage? Really?

        Its been very hard to find friends of like mind, as most are married or are in relationships – and they just don’t have space for single me.

        • I have to give a pass to married women stress over that. I read so much on here and other sites where the chumps where to trusting, and felt so good about themselves not worrying about their FWs hanging with other women, then boom; marriage gone.

          And they don’t reall know who will and who won’t, either the single women or their husbands, until they know.

          I was an attractive 40 year old when my marriage blew up, and I am pretty sure that was in play with couples. It would have never happened, but of course they didn’t know. These types of things just unnerve everyone.

          • I also think that the betrayal makes people paranoid about their own relationships. My ex shocked everyone with his exit affair and sudden abusive behaviours. People were very supportive, but I also noticed friends whom I’d previously had very open conversations with about our marriages were suddenly insisting that everything was perfect now.
            I think when someone betrays and abandons a long-term spouse, people automatically put distance between themselves and you, because the reality that something as traumatising as that actually happens is too disturbing.

        • Skunk –
          Don’t these women ever go out with a female friend, without their husbands in tow? Maybe it’s different, when I’m not considered a threat to straight marriages, but still…I wouldn’t have much of a social life if I didn’t hang out one-on-one with my friends most of the time! smh

      • Your sister-in-law’s husband is a controlling abuser and a cheater. I wouldn’t want someone like that in old age overseeing the finances and my healthcare.

  • What’s tough for me is that very few people know the truth. Granted, the important people do (my kids and close/trusted friends).

    The throw-away friends who took my cheating wife’s side (since she lied to them) mean nothing to me. Some of them actually told my kids I am the one who moved in with someone and my STBXW only starting seeing someone after I moved out. (What a f*cking lie!!! Her affair caused the divorce and she lied to everyone about it). My kids had to correct this throw-away friend …..kids had to tell them that Mom had admitted to them….so Mom obviously lied or left key details out during the sob story to the throw-away friends).

    So, I am certain none of her family knows the truth. Nobody has reached out to me. 20+ years and absolutely no concern!

    I am almost divorced…..I do plan on setting the record straight. I place high value on my integrity and loyalty and I refuse to let the lies go unchallenged.
    I know it’s generally not recommended to put things out in public, but I have facts. I feel the facts should be know (to hell with family secrets!!!)

    • I think it’s generally not recommended to air things in public UNLESS you have been falsely accused of something heinous.

      Why should you suffer the tainted reputation of being a cheater when the reverse is true? Why should other, wonderful, loyal people miss out on knowing you because they’ve been preemptively misled to believe you’re not one of them? Why should you risk haplessly attracting “hybristophiliacs” who are drawn to liars, betrayers and criminals because you’ve been tarred with a false rep? What a creepy mess that would be.

      I know some might say that people with real principles will come to know the real you– but not if they refuse to meet you in the first place due to a lie like that.

  • I think going through the process of fingering out our “mutual friends weren’t MY friends” after his numerous affairs and D-day was in some ways harder. It paralyzed me again. To get unstuck I had to go no contact with every mutual friend who encouraged his facade this included even my parents. That was 7 yrs ago. I found my tribe during that time and got rid of every toxic relationship I came across (I had to go through various stages of purging people it didn’t happen all at once as I had to educate myself on red flags, narcissistic/character flawed individuals, etc. but over time I did it). It was a long and drawn out process but life is so much better now. It will get there for you too!

  • Miss-erable,

    Follow CL’s advice. NC all the way. Block all social media. Realize that these friends aren’t friends. Their loss is just another thing to mourn, and yet, it really is good to know who your true friends are. Cultivate relationships with those friends and family who stand by you. Cherish the ones who will sit with you in your grief, who are there for you.

    People are uncomfortable with chump grief and like to follow the happy light. They like to pretend it wasn’t that big a deal, that marriages fail, that monogamy is overrated, that these two new “kids” just found true love, so what could be wrong with that?

    It really hurts. And you’re in the hurts-like-a-mofo early stage. I suspect there will always be pain. I’m a year out and, although the pain has lessened, it’s still there and easily triggered by the sight of, say, a Jeep (they are everywhere!).

    I think what’s complicated is when a friend couple split allegiances: one sides with you and the other with the cheater. I’m facing that dilemma right now. Time will tell. I’m wary. (In my case, the male of this couple continues to fish with the cheater while claiming he’s disgusted by his betrayal. Judge them by their actions–to pick up on yesterday’s theme.)

    Stay strong Miss-erable! You won’t always feel this bad. This gain-a-life business is complicated by the pandemic, but we’ll get there.

    • OMG, the jeep! That’s my trigger. Every time I see one I get angry. One day I am going to go to a junkyard and buy a jeep, tow it to a field and light it on fire and sip margaritas with my girlfriends. That’s my closure.

  • Miss-Erable – you will get there. I was told by the coward that left me stranded in a new city he insisted we move to, 1000 miles away from friends and family, that he “would be an advocate for me if I’d just let him”. I guess I wasn’t acting in an exemplary fashion, being terrified and all. So, I just kept putting one foot in front of the other. I listed our home, I sorted through 20 years of life together, I took care of the pets and the bills, I did it all, and I got myself back home. I have a lovely apartment, and life is pretty good now. But I’ll tell you, when I was down in our condo’s storage unit, cleaning it out, sweating and covered in dust and bruises and welts, I emailed him to ask if he wanted a few things (he left and told me he wanted nothing, I could have it all, as if that was some “gift” and not the endless burden it actually was), and he responded “if it’s not too much trouble”. Back then, that put me over the edge with rage, but it gets better. When I got back home and filed for divorce in California, I received his discovery paperwork, finally. That email he sent back about “if it’s not too much trouble”? Sent from the Bellagio in Las Vegas. It was like taking a bullet. I found out he was travelling the whole time I was stuck in Portland, sometimes paying for two. Here’s the point – he is a very disordered man. I learned that the hard way, and actually seeing those credit card statements was the closure I needed to move forward. It hurt like a mo-fo, but I am healing. And guess what? Now, when I feel the sting of his abandonment, I remember the image of him, passed out on the couch, in a garter belt, crotchless underwear, thigh high boots, and a tube top. That’s all I need to remember what a “prize” I “lost”. You’ll get there. What goes around, comes around. And lose those awful “friends”! There are kind people out there. Find your people. ❤️

    • “To A Louse, On Seeing One on a Lady’s Bonnet at Church” is a 1786 Scots language poem by Robert Burns
      O wad some Pow’r the giftie gie us
      To see oursels as ithers see us!
      Translation
      Oh, would some Power give us the gift
      To see ourselves as others see us!

      I don’t know if this quote is more appropriate for the lovely image you provided, or the background music from Rod Stewart “Do Ya Think I’m Sexy?” which was released as a single in late 1978.

      Maybe both? Exposing your “junk” is just does not make you sexy or desirable, no matter what YOU think. Did it post on Fakebook by any chance?????

      I think maybe that image is like a guilty plea in a court of law. Seeking justice? DONE!

    • Chumplandia – I went through a similar thing. We bought a house near his family. Not mine. I spent a few years being the project manager to fix it up. If you have read my posts, you know he left one day for a business trip after arranging to interview replacements for me – of course unknown to me or that we even had serious problems. Never saw him again (my choice once I found out what was going on and that he was just coming home to say it was over and then go on vacation with my hoped-for replacement – didn’t work out by the way). I also saw the vacations for 2 on the credit cards. It was soul destroying. I had to pack up the house, get budget movers, move to a new city and thankfully, new job. Had to coordinate with him on what he wanted. It was crazy! But now I am also in a nice townhouse, starting over! He’s still addicted to online porn sites, interviewing replacements, making tons of money. I am glad to be out of it! But, oh my goodness, what a terrible time it has been!

    • Mine sent me selfies of himself in such poses. I printed several out, and when people say they can’t believe this of my ex, I say, I have evidence, and would be happy to show you. Never had any takers.

      • Adelante, I wish I had taken photos. I do still have the credit card statements with the website names he made his “purchases” from. “Sinful Dreamz” was one of them. When I think back to the sexual rejection I put up with for years, and the impact it had on my self-esteem, and my idea of myself as the woman in my marriage, I still shudder. I hope for the sake of all trusting women out there that he never does this again, but Frog, meet Scorpion.

  • I’ve been going through something this morning and this popped up in my email, at exactly the right time. Thanks for the messages to live better and to be happy. We all deserve better. Hugs, RO

  • The truth is some FB “friends” will look to this break up with you and his new relationship with OW as entertainment. Like watching a TV series. The “likes” are egging them on to put out more info. Shame on them but you need to disengage without any drama. Quietly unfriend and block. Change your phone number. You checking the FB pages is detrimental to going forward so treat it like an addiction and stop, cold turkey. Go about your business and whatever you choose to do, do it well. CL is right, the best revenge is living well. I swear to you karma will come, but it may take some time. Karma is best when it comes out of nowhere, unexpected.

  • This really is a case of “trust that they suck”. People who suck will continue to suck. Anybody who spends a significant amount of time around them will eventually come to realize that. The ones that don’t aren’t really their friends either, just acquaintances. People who suck will never have real friends, at least not for long. You may have fewer friends but the friends you have will be real.

  • I am so sorry about your EX’s decision to live nearby. I left my EX about 8 years ago; I think of myself as being mostly meh; and I would still collapse in a puddle of weeping and angst if he moved in merely a block or two away.

    Your EX is a jackass. I don’t know how to interpret his decision to live near you as anything other than territory marking. Even if leaving the marriage was his decision, he is still making it plain that the community you live in, the neighborhood, the friends, the random conversations at nearby places of business are all still his. If you left him, he’s making sure you know that he still “owns” the area.

    I know we cannot untangle the skein of fuck-up-edness, but it looks to me like he is trying to have his cake and all your attention too. He is not as happy as he is pretending to be. (Although, I doubt he is nearly unhappy enough!)

    I hope you can find the strength to make all of your decisions based on what you want–not on side-stepping him or being “nice” to other people. If you want to remain in the same location, do so. If you want to leave and take up residence elsewhere, do so. If you want to cut out friends who send him heart emojis, do so without apology. If you want to give these friends an ultimatum, do so. Your life, your terms.

    Don’t be hard on yourself for feeling upset. Your injury is recent, and your EX is doing his best to keep it fresh.

      • Part of it is the cheater lack of imagination. We’ve noticed here that so often cheaters take APs (often plural) to the same restaurant, the same events, the same vacation spots as they did when they were with the chump.

        As CL says, they’re SHALLOW. The cheater in this case may simple just pick this neighborhood as a default. It’s the place that he knows.

        • Yup I can check that off the list.
          My f.o.o. went to Cape Cod for summer vacation because my father got a deal through his aunt (parasitic move).She was dumped by her husband after he met a woman on a plane.
          Where did my father go on vacay with wife 2.0 ? Same spot. The possibilities along the entire eastern seaboard and he picks Truro/Wellfleet.
          Weird

        • True, lack of imagination, and shallowness. But I also think they get a frisson of Duper’s Delight in taking their whores to places they’ve spent time with *us*, it probably gives them a thrill to be in the same places they took the trusting chump to, with the new sparkly toy. Who doesn’t know the whole thing is being recycled.

          Or maybe it’ s just they simply don’t think like normal people, who knows I remember reading fuck wit’s Form E, with attached bank statements, showing receipts from all the places he’d taken me. He even gave her the very same presents he’d given me. Smh.

          I also remember him trying to give me some jewellery he’d given to the skank he left his first wife for, which she’d left behind. I angrily asked him why he thought I’d want something he’d given another woman; his puzzled reply was, “I don’t think like that.”. So that’s probably it.

          Although I certainly don’ t discount the spite factor, getting off on rubbing the chump’s nose in it. These people totally *suck*.

          • I think you’re all correct. Miss-erable’s cheater’s decision to move nearby is a sign of:
            *marking territory (love the image)
            *rubbing the ex’s nose in it, which is just plain cruel
            *lacking imagination
            *getting off on that frisson when strutting into an old haunt with the AP. “Hey, look at my new accessory!! I’m a playah!” (Also, it seems a bit naughty, and if she doesn’t know he used to go there with his wife, all the better. These types like their little secrets and being in a position of power and control. I bet he asks for the same table.)

            Ugh, the more I read about these cheaters, the more pissed off I get.

            Miss-erable, if it’s at all feasible, I would consider moving. Perhaps others think that is caving or whatever, but it seems to me to be a good way to preserve your sanity. It’s just that I know I wouldn’t be able to tolerate that degree of proximity.

            I moved to a different state. Even here, I worry he might be lurking somewhere.

            My good friends and sister do live not far from my ex and are terrified they’ll bump into him. They’ve told me they are rehearsing their lines, although I think my sister has settled on no words but rather a dramatic flipping of birds. Gotta love friends and family who get angry on your behalf.

        • Yes mine lives a mile away because he copied me. I also think he had this fantasy where the kids would go back and forth. The kids hate him and I cannot wait to move.

  • Hi Miss-Erable. I know this may sound a little weird, but some of this helped me. I wrote his name backwards and on a little peice of paper and rolled it away from me into a little roll. I got the nicest crystal glass I have and I filled it with toilet bowl water. I stared at it for a long time and meditated on it because it looks so beautiful and clear clean and refreshing but really it was full of bacteria and disgusting. I put the rolled-up piece of paper into the water and just thought about how everything looked so shiny and great with this person but really it was just an illusion. I then poured it out on to Mother Earth and threw the glass into the recycle bin. I then lit two candles with our names put on it with a red cord attached under them. When the candles burned completely out I cut the cord and discarded it all. I took baths and showers with Himalayan salt after praying and I scrubbed everywhere bottom of my feet my scalp Etc asking to be cleaned and clear of this energy. Now I don’t know that this brings justice but it’s subconsciously rewired my mind to see him for what he really is. I have been a few years out now and I still think back and get clarity on all the lies and b******* he told me. Justice does come. It is not all fun for them when you no longer care. Work on building a relationship with yourself and the divine and move on and be open to new things that the universe will bring you. Once your energy is gone you can sit back and watch the justice in divine timing. I am not a witchy person per se but it really helped me to have a powerful relationship with myself and take my own power back and see clearly. Much love.

  • Miss-Erable, you’re only six months out and it’s still very raw. It really does get better believe me, and karma does dish out “justice” in that they end up reaping the consequences of their own actions. Everything we had was because of me, my drive, my job, my salary – and we were doing well. Until I had to keep taking out loans from the credit union every time he wrecked someone’s car (or his – that always had to be repaired first) while drink-driving. He spent OUR money down at the ho bar, buying rounds of drinks. And then he was diagnosed bipolar and eventually invalided out of his job at 50 – so he got to retire at 50 and all his debts (you know, buying the fancy car for himself, etc.) were wiped out by insurance. I, on the other hand, had to keep on working, had to keep on paying the credit union debts in my name that I had to take out because of him. One time I took money out of my pension to pay off debts that HE had run up – so despite having the much better job I ended up with a pension half the amount of his. So he retired at age 50 on a pension of $8,000/month, and I had to keep on going another 10 years. But you know what, he’s still him, he’s still an AH, he’s still running up debts and he and latest Schmoopie can’t make it on $8,000/month so she had to go back to work. Oh, and I hear he’s looking for a job as a school bus driver because “finances ya know”. Eventually you’ll get your justice. His own actions will see to that. I just backed off and let him deal himself his own karma. You’ll get there, stay strong and keep the faith!

  • I was actually in way worse shape at 6 months post final DD than I was the day after DD. Between the trickle truths, the reality of my financial future, him freaking out (while we had shared house separation) finding decent employment woes as a SAHM, seeing the kids suffering already for a couple months, being diagnosed with PTSD, hiding cash and clothes for myself and the kids in multiple places at my therapist’s insistence, months of being sick and then looing a ton an weight too quickly and the acne and shakes and all that goes with malnutrition from vomiting from stress so often… So many awful things and realizations happened in those early months. This was a 20 year marriage, 25 year relationship and 2 teenaged kids. So, that probably factored in, but I don’t think I was on the other side of the deep ravine healing wise until final paperwork started getting submitted to the court.

    We all know that staying is actually easier short term than deciding and setting in process the steps to leave. Many of us tried that approach first purely because it was less scary/dirty/embarrassing/expensive…. Think of it as to get free you have to crawl deep into a pit heading toward hell until you get to a certain point. Then you can start crawling back up. After a while you can get up and walk a little on your way up, then you’re taking a labored but somewhat normal gait, then you see the sunlight and pick up the pace, and in the end you’re on flat ground in the sun skipping forward.

    • If a friend came to me now on his/her DD I’d tell them that it gets worse BEFORE is gets SO MUCH BETTER. Divorce is fucking hard. It is also totally, completely worth it.

  • Social media is bad for mental health, imo. In general. But it’s even worse when it comes to moving on from people and relationships. In this case I’m glad I got rid of facebook 7 years ago and never looked back, because it means that now that I’m in this situation I’m not in the routine of checking it and inevitably checking others as well. Maybe you could try a social media detox for some time? It’s actually not that difficult to do once you kick the habit. Those you actually care about have your number anyway, so they can text you or contact you on whatsapp privately, and you can meet them when you want.

  • I remember reading a post here that said something like – you will find your peace on Tuesday. I can’t tell you which Tuesday but one random, ordinary Tuesday you’ll look around and see that the struggle is gone and your life is full of joy. <3
    I started writing letters to tomorrow's Vanessa and after awhile Tuesday's Vanessa started to show up on those pages. I picture Tuesday's Vanessa to walk, talk, and glow with perfect Serenity, courage, passion, and wisdom. And every Tuesday now, I take some time to quietly look around at my blessings.
    Sending love and light to you. Your Tuesday is coming <3

  • I’m a year out of D-Day #2 when my partner of 20 years left to be with her AP. Our 15 year old remained with me. I’m deep into legal fees and still trying to deal with the betrayal along with helping my daughter. In the beginning I prayed for restorative justice to strike her and the AP. Now not so much. They are both garbage people and not worth my energy. I’m focusing instead on my daughter, myself, my job, and my friends. She’s managed to love bomb my daughter into submission though, and each time she can, my ex rubs her toxic stink in my face. It really stings when my daughter talks about all the fun she has with my ex and her new demon horde including the AP and the AP’s spawn. As of today I have 620 days until my daughter turns 18. I hope I will have the legal fees paid off by then…thankfully no alimony…and then I will block the ugly b*tch from my phone for good. With an adult daughter, I can be more forthcoming and tell her not to tell me anything more about the Disney house of horrors. Barring college graduation, a wedding, birth of grandchildren in the future, I won’t have to lay eyes on this shallow narcissist again. I’m almost at meh…and I only wish for karma one or two times a week now. And just like you, the whole world has embraced the illegitimate union and spit in my face. But at least I know in my heart I am a good person and not garbage. Block and unfollow your ex on all social media. Don’t torture yourself by peeking at the disgusting, fake shallow sh*t show. Love yourself. Remind yourself you are the honorable person and find new friends who see that and treat you with respect.

    • A good response when your daughter tells you about her time with the f*ckwits is “cool” “wow”. A little bit of grey rock lite ?

  • Sadly we live in a superficial world. Keep those one or two true friends. They really all you need.
    Please, please get off FB etc. My daughter told me that a friend of hers who posts happy things has had a sad life.
    Your ex is not living a wonderful life. He is still in the honeymoon stage. That NEVER last. Never.
    A man I know who left his wife and three children for a coworker, and proceeded to live the high life, borrows money from his parents all the time. Guess who aren’t living the high life…… his parents. They can’t seem to get the money repaid. Of course none of this is posted. As far as the world knows everything is just delightful.

    • I want to add that my brother’s friends stuck to him like glue. Every Chump should have those kind of friends. I think they helped him heal faster.

    • My dear young female friend was a master at creating a happy life on FB, but ended up dead in her early 30s from a gunshot wound. There is a vast difference between people who post kid photos and recipes and old photos of their town on FB and those using FB to create a false impression of life.

    • My X has sucked his father dry of all his hard earned $’s over the years….that is what he could get that the 2nd wife didn’t take. I know for a fact that his father was the one that came up with the cash to pay my property settlement. Now 5 years later X has retired at 53 from a health care position that I think he was ‘encouraged’ to retire from. FIL was put in an assisted living facility for dementia a few months ago. X is now on a fixed income that isn’t going to be conducive to purchasing all his outdoor toys and travel wants, with no Dad or Grandfather to go whine to and beg $ from. And X hasn’t been able to find a wife appliance replacement. I have a feeling retirement for him isn’t going to be what he had thought it would be.

      I will probably have to work another 15 years unless I get lucky. But I have a nice retirement account building, a job I love with prospects for advancement, a peaceful apt., a wonderful son, and though I am alone now, I am enjoying my life as it is. I got it SO much better than him!

  • I went through the same pain until a great friend told me: why don’t you just delete Facebook? I did including Instagram and snap chat. BEST thing I ever did! Every time I saw him on social media it was a butcher knife in the heart again. Why torture myself? After 44 years I’ve been tortured enough. Two years post D day and I’ve never felt happier and I still have no social media.

  • My advice is take those ah off your plate. There is a delete, block, unfollow choice that you control on social media. A very wise person told me early on to “take them off my plate”. I did and I felt much better not having it in my face and also the disappointment in so called friends/family. Its still fresh so you are most likely still in a hypervigilent state. Its been 5 years now since divorce and i rarely ever see things that take me by surprise.

    At one point I sent a group DM to all my family and told them to pick him or me. My own brother chose to cross that line and I cut him out of my social media. He can text or call me but I was pissed that he would do this. He wasnt sorry. YOU are stronger than you think. Time will fade this shit and you will not be bothered bv this garbage.

    HUGS

    • I’d also say to block the STBX or X on phone and text. Have an app where you can be reached in and emergency and use it only for the jackass. You don’t need to see Cheater BS every time you pick up your phone.

  • It does get better with time.

    And I totally agree that they aren’t your friends if they accept your ex as a friend. I think some people lack empathy and some people don’t want to “rock the boat.”

    I remember how much it killed me when my ex threw a party to introduce his girlfriend (who is the OW that all of our friends new about) to our friends.

    I was crushed when I asked a dear friend of mine (who was at the party) how it went-and she told me that the OW was “very nice.” 🙄

    I realized that if these people were my trie friends-they wouldn’t have gone to that party.

    I cut off all ties with all of them. It was hard-but I had to do it for my sanity.

    Flash forward 2 years later-and this weekend the ex is taking her camping with our 16 year old daughter with these same “friends” we used to camp with.

    I was a little bummed because we used to camp together and we always had so much fun.

    I picture the OW sitting in my chair around the campfire and them all having a great time.

    I feel like they easily replaced me-and it’s hurts a little.

    I’m still glad I left the relationship-a few good moments aren’t worth the daily abuse he was putting me through.

    One woman’s trash is another woman’s problem now…

  • I am not a big FB follower. But do check occasionally to see what’s going on. I posted for anyone who was complacent or complicit with my ex, and his character please unfriend me. We are no longer a couple. No argument or explanation needed. Of course it didn’t change my world. It did set my boundaries of shit I would accept.

    • Yep, I am not going to give up seeing the family pictures because of a FW.

      They didn’t have FB when my blow up happened. But, when the grandchildren started coming and FB appeared, I would look on FB for pics. I live many states aways from the grands, so I loved the pics.

      To this day many years later, I don’t look at schmoopies page. The FW doesn’t post anything, he stays in hiding. “I don’t blame him” The last time I looked at her page, was when the granddaughter was very young, I even made a positive statement about the pics of the grands. But, since they are grown and have their own page, I never look anymore.

      Full disclosure: I know through my son and his wife, how they have shit all over themselves and my son; so I know they didn’t waltz down the trail of bliss ever after. Maybe that helps me. Don’t know.

      But, my point is, don’t let them chase you off media, if media provides you with some value. Just don’t follow them. It does get easier for most of us as time goes on.

      I actually as time went on, began to not have bad feelings about schmoopie. What she and he did was horrific to me, but I see her now as someone who was in a desperate financial situation, and she was just grabbing for what she thought was security and some measure of happiness. I also know that he has not treated her any better than he did me. Also, she was not the classic pretty younger woman. Again, maybe that helps.

  • Put down social media. Close it up. Delete those accounts. Value your privacy and live a private life.

    Stay in touch and spend time with your true friends. Meet them for coffee or something.

    I tell people I don’t have social media, and they actually are in awe. I say, ‘I value my privacy and prefer to catch up with friends by a phone call or coffee.’

  • Miss Erable, I feel you pain. I don’t know if this is everyone’s experience, but I got to “meh” and then lost it and just got it back, I think. If you have kids and it was a long marriage-like mine-life can be a minefield of triggers. I went through anger, health-crazed euphoria, dated someone for a year then realized it wasn’t going anywhere and broke it off, reconciled with my former MIL, and got to the point where I felt warm about who he had been and was able to enjoy the memory without wanting who he is now. I was finally able to follow CL’s advice for real, not just try to follow it, but follow it. Then the COVID-19 responses derailed my eldest daughter, who is back home with me, taking a gap year from college and I’ve been struggling with getting her motivated. It’s a long story but in a nutshell-back in 2017 when everything exploded, she started getting high all the time, and her grades went from As to Ds and Fs. I struggled to get her back on track-she was already accepted into good colleges based on her stellar record prior to D-day. He refused to help. He’d “have a talk” with her, but he wouldn’t tell her not to do drugs, he enabled her by letting her stay at his house when he wasn’t there and he refused to acknowledge his behavior had anything to do with her demise. Then he moved to England where OW lives and had a baby with her, occasionally coming back to play dad. My other daughter started cutting but hid it for months before I found out. Once again, he shrugged it off as “kids do stupid sh$$.” Years pass and my youngest is in college and doing well and really on track but, as I mentioned, my eldest is suffering again. She was doing well but her school went full-on lockdown and she went full-on depression. So, the other night, after working with her to get her motivated, having her sign up for some classes, make a plan for the year, have a goal, I smell the weed coming from her room and BOOM. Trigger. Meh is gone. I text the ex telling him to put aside his new family and deal with his real family. He’s to blame for her situation. We need to come up with a plan. I don’t know what I wanted. I think I thought he would apologize? That I would see he finally realized what he did? That he was done with his new life and I could get some sense of karmic satisfaction. Instead, he wrote back, “I can tell you’re very angry but I don’t understand what this is about. FIRST OFF, do not disparage (name of OW) and my family here. Second, I am happy to talk if you will be reasonable, but I am unaware of anything being wrong. I spoke with (name of younger daughter) yesterday and all seems great there. I haven’t spoken with (name of older daughter) in some time.” He called me later that day and I told him what was going on, but his tone was so cold and distant. It felt like I was a business contact and we were discussing an implementation plan for something and his responsibility was to weigh in and approve or disapprove a plan. He said that he believed we should draft up a contract for our daughter, and tell her that she had to take a full course load in the spring at this Community College, and prove her work ethic in order to be able to go back to her private liberal arts college in the fall. Stupidly, I told him this situation was his fault. Silence. Later he texted me that he had looked at the CC college curriculum and had a list of courses she should take, including Calculus 1, which she tested out of her junior year in high school, getting a 5 on the AP exam and already took second year multivariate calculus her first year in college. So basically, he didn’t even know what classes his daughter took back when we were still married and he was living with us, much less what she was taking her first two years in college. I texted back that I would handle it myself, regretted having reached out and wished to never speak with him again. And honestly, this time I mean it. When he referred to “his family” and asked me, his wife of 17 years (21 years total together), the mother of his adult children, to not disparage his family…as if I were some crazy ex-girlfriend he dated for a year, or a fling he had…it was like a knife to my soul. Why would it be after 3 years away from him, after all he did? I don’t know. But it hit me. I had been going through these stages of grief and had come around to loving the person he used to be. And I think I expected him to have the same feelings about our past. I didn’t want him back. I wanted to interact with him as someone who respected what we had. Because in this silly narrative of “divorce is normal” and “people drift apart”, that love for the past would exist. I think that is what you are coming up against when you feel like people treat what your ex did as normal and give their posts little emojis. But it is because they don’t understand the cold, soullessness that is the cheater and his or her partner in crime. They think we chumps are the ones that can’t get over it, but they don’t see the total devaluation and emotional abuse we suffer, that the children suffer-the life-long destruction it causes the children of the cheater. Anyway, it hit me after all this nonsense I put myself through for no reason, that he doesn’t hate me or what we were together. He hates himself. I can’t imagine how terrible it must be to hate yourself so much, that you have to pretend the you that you used to be doesn’t exist. And my daughter allowed me to join her session with her psychiatrist yesterday, and we have a plan to control her stoner habit together. I didn’t need him. Good luck Miss Erable. You may not be free of misery and pain but you will learn to deal with it.

    • ” (In my case, the male of this couple continues to fish with the cheater while claiming he’s disgusted by his betrayal. Judge them by their actions–to pick up on yesterday’s theme.”

      Exactly my experience, Spinach. Both of them knew, but the wife said it “wasn’t her place” to tell me, even though she (apparently) had been through it in her previous marriage. 🤮

      She said her husband, (the one fucktard sent texts to, boasting about fucking the rat faced whore) had supposedly told fucktard he was a fool to lose his marriage for ‘that’. Didn’t stop him from asking fucktard in that text “if his dick was wet”, and asking them both out for a meal. *She* (the wife) said she knew nothing about that, when I asked her, and ” wouldn’t have gone anyway”.

      But all 3 of them are happy “fishing buddies” (not the.wife as far as I know.)

      I dropped them both, unfriended and blocked. (not on fb anymore anyway) 😂I don’t need pusillanimous moral cowards in my life.

      Makes me wonder about the wife though, and her relationship with her husband. If as she says, she loathes cheating, how can she happily accept her husband is mates with a cheating fucktard and his whore? Says a lot about *his* character. If I was her, I’d be hyper vigilant, as you say, it’s people’s *actions* that reveal their true character, not what they say. She’s married to an amoral hypocrite, I wonder if she’s processed that? 🤔🙄

    • Can I say a few words about the daughter who is struggling, from the perspective of someone whose job it is to teach college kids?

      Let go of the college thing for now. Even in the best of situations, it’s a shit storm now. I feel so sorry for our freshmen–I’m teaching a helluva course but it’s hard to fall in love with learning with 1/2 the class on Zoom looking like they are playing solitaire in class.

      Tell her to get a job. Any job. She should pay a little “rent” once she has a couple of paychecks under her belt, and you should not give her spending money. Whatever you do about the “stoner habit,” I think going to college right now is hard for kids. It’s hard for their professors. So maybe a timeout until normal life comes back sounds like a plan. There are jobs out there and spending 7-8 hours a day doing actual work is one way to control the drug habit, and maybe lift her out of depression/anxiety. I say this with no judgement; most everyone I know is doing a little self-medicating, including me (Hershey’s kisses, M & Ms, ice cream!) But if she gets a job in a place that she enjoys, she’ll be in a great place once school starts up again when COVID is under control

      Good luck.

      • Lovedajackass…that’s good advice. We’re in CA so we’re on strict lockdown and it’s hard to get a job. But my yard needs some gardening and she is doing online voice lessons. I think the idea of paying rent is a good one and it’s funny you said that because I just made that suggestion to her. I did self-medicating in my day, by the way, but this is beyond self-medication. I have run up against a bit of pushback from my peers, who remember a Saturday night listening to Pink Floyd when they hear a reference to weed, not spending all day, every day, high on weed that has several logarithms more THC than the old stuff. And I think we romanticized the stoner image a bit, and somehow people find it hard to reconcile that harmless image with someone they love losing all motivation. I always find it interesting that if one were to say they had a loved one who was an alcoholic, no one responds with, “Oh-it’s just alcohol?” I think there are teetotalers who disagree with a person who enjoys a daily glass of wine as to what constitutes substance abuse, but most people won’t disregard an addiction to alcohol based on the nature of the substance.

    • Your dirtbag ex is not going to lift a finger to help. I think reaching out to him hoping he will be a supportive, hands on, caring father is only going to frustrate you. That’s the thing with the disordered. He cheated, blew up the family, left the country, fathered another child with OW but he is making you out to be the one that is way out of line asking him to step up and please don’t call his whore a whore. You need to stop contact and just let your lawyer get any money he can out of this defect. Also, if you are insisting your kids call or contact their Dad, please don’t. They’re getting blown off as well. He’s just being a little nicer on the phone to them than he is to you.

  • NOT IN MY FAMILY ITS NOT FORGOTTEN, his family told him to hit the road after his mother passed they are worth about 2 million dollars and my family doesn’t speak to him either all respect is gone!🥶

  • “In my case, the male of this couple continues to fish with the cheater while claiming he’s disgusted by his betrayal. Judge them by their actions–to pick up on yesterday’s theme.)”

    Exactly my position, Spinach.

    They both knew. The wife told me, “it wasn’t my place to tell you”, even though she had (apparently) been through it in her first marriage, and “hates cheating”.

    She said her husband had told fucktard he was a fool to lose his marriage for ‘that’. Didn’t stop him from asking fucktard in the texts “if his dick was wet”, and asking them both out for a meal. And continuing to be their “fishing buddy”. When I asked the wife about this meal, she said she didn’t know, and “wouldn’t have gone anyway”. 🤔

    Rather makes me wonder about her relationship with her husband. She says she hates cheating, but is OK with her husband being friends with two lying cheaters? I’d be hyper vigilant, if that was me; as you say, it’s actions that underline a person’s character, not what they say. I wonder if she ever processes that.

    I unfriended and blocked them both, (before I got off fb for good) I don’t need pusillanimous moral cowards in my life.

    And, not my circus, not my monkeys! 😂🎪

  • Justice is the universe stepping in to remove a cancerous malignant tumor, a gangrenous leg, a potentially fatal soul-sucking disease of a FAKE HUSBAND. I would have stayed if I had not found out that he is a liar, cheater, thief, traitor, lying lying lying about only Higher Power knows what.

    He also abandoned his daughter and chose to skip town to secretly move into an apartment with the Craigslist Cockroach, aka “Sole Mate”….his spelling. He went from Awesome Daily Dad to Ghost Dad in the life of the most precious gift many people never get….a beautiful little girl.

    What a world class creep. If they awarded Olympic medals for creepiness, he’d be the Simone Biles of creep-nastics.

    I did not know who he was. I was fully invested in and fully believed the MIRAGE I was living. I did NOT have the marriage or the partner I thought I had.

    I had a forgery! Anyone who knows what I found out and hooks up with him has MAJOR ISSUES.

    By the way, major issues are INVISIBLE. They cannot be photographed and posted on Fakebook or Image-managementgram. Evidence of issues can be seen….are revealed….over time. But they can’t be immortalized for proof like broken bones or bruises or stab wounds.

    DO SOME WRITING. Stick with FACTS. FEELINGS ARE NOT FACTS. Read out loud what you wrote. Great things about you….crap that he did.

    Breaking free is about DEPROGRAMMING. It takes TIME and ACTIONS. You were a victim of an evil cult leader who brainwashed you and stole your self worth. Here is where you learn to take it back. Visualize their names on a flaming bag of dog poo. Tell yourself, every day that you feel like you were beaten within an inch of your life, that THIS IS WHAT THEY ARE until the day you believe it. It’s taken THREE YEARS for me to get all the way there. I don’t think I am at “Meh” but I am in 100% gratitude that he and I are parting ways and believe that like a crap used car she (they?) is just a very sick person who inherited a big bag of flaming dog poo.

    Just because someone says your a zebra doesn’t mean your a zebra. Don’t listen to the opinions of a creep.

    • I needed this today, Velvet, thank you. Particularly, “Justice is the universe stepping in to remove a cancerous malignant tumor, a gangrenous leg, a potentially fatal soul-sucking disease of a FAKE HUSBAND,” and “ Tell yourself, every day that you feel like you were beaten within an inch of your life, that THIS IS WHAT THEY ARE until the day you believe it,” and “Just because someone says your a zebra doesn’t mean your a zebra. Don’t listen to the opinions of a creep.”

      Time is funny: it helps dull the pain, but it also makes you start doubting yourself: maybe he didn’t call me a fucking bitch over and over again; maybe he didn’t threaten to leave me everytime we had a fight; maybe he didn’t say “In 20 years I’ll look back and realize you were so nasty I couldn’t stay with you”; maybe he didn’t leave me alone in the canyon or in the street at night when we were taking a walk together and I said something he didn’t like; maybe he was right that it was all my fault that he was leaving me because I just would run/bike/have sex with him enough…. It’s so hard to hang on to reality sometimes. It’s a discipline. One my ex never had, and one I intend never to give up, with help from women like you…. 🙏❤️

  • Do it the Taoist way and let them use their own energy to destroy themselves, because they will. They don’t change, wait and watch. When you marry your mistress and you leave a vacancy,

  • Unless there’s some mitigating circumstance that explains why he was forced to move a block away– like the AP singlehandedly driving the choice (which would be bizarre enough) or getting the house by inheritance (in which case why not sell it?) — I don’t think it’s an accident that he decided to do this. It suggests that part of what floats his sexually mutant boat is the sacred geometry of cheaters– the triangle. The triangle is what imbues their tragically empty relationships with the illusion of being real, via borrowed drama, an “us against them” fabrication. It’s hard to play the sought-after princess in the tower when you’re eight if there’s no one to play the ogre.

    So I think you need to move. If you don’t have kids with this sicko, you can move far, far away– preferably someplace fabulous and full of exciting distractions– and leave no forwarding address with him or those icky Swiss “friends.” Block them all. Because these FWS will keep circling back around.

    There should be a name for this thing when cheaters get off on their past victims’ supposed pining and try to stay close the better to lap up the sense of centrality.

    An ex tried to do this when I was very young following one of those youthful, nebulous, “drift apart” breakups after I moved away for college. What made the attempt on his part really obvious was that I’d emotionally moved on. The sense that his circling wasn’t really arbitrary only spooked me because I felt guilty (due to subtle FOG-ing) and was avoiding him.

    I think if I’d been actually heartbroken rather than relieved about his new relationship with someone I knew, the showiness of the insta-wedding and “twu wuv” displays might have scrambled my perceptions. I might have thought I was only imagining their attention-seeking and “rub it in my face” antics- or the appearance they seemed to be trying to hijack all my friends and acquaintances– because I was hurt. But since all I wanted was to be left alone to live my life, I feared the antics showed some kind of fixation on my reaction. There was something campy and unnecessary about it all.

    If you’re not a narc and not in love, being made “central” simply feels threatening. I did everything I could not to fan the flames. I was quiet about coming home for vacations, avoided sharing details of my amazing new life with anyone who knew the couple, etc. I wanted them to forget I existed.

    Turns out my read of the situation was correct. It all came out when the marriage crashed and burned a few years later. The guy started writing icky sexual letters announcing that we could now reunite while his wife was in the psych ward for a half-hearted suicide attempt.

    I was horrified and embarrassed, even moreso on learning I was a theme in their breakup. I resealed the letters and sent them back. The wife told people how much she hated me. Another thing non-narcs don’t relish is being hated. It’s not flattering, just scary. She trashed me for years. She depicted me as having courted the jerk’s obsession. How could I have done that when I’d been avoiding them and everyone they knew?

    It seems he had convinced himself that we had not really been broken up at the time he began the new relationship and assumed I’d been pining and yearning away in destitute heartbreak for three years. Some cheats will engineer the thrill of cheating even when the “betrayed” doesn’t care. Apparently the new squeeze had also bought this fable and I think had initially gotten off on the belief she’d “won the prize.” This hubris came back to bite her.

    The point is that narcissists live and die for centrality to the point of imagining it where it does not exist. If I could go back in time, I would have been more explicit about breaking up, but otherwise would not have done anything differently. It’s kind of a manual of what to do even in situations of being chumped and actually heartbroken. Go NC and gray rock, ghost everyone involved and deny centrality as if these folks are obsessed stalkers you just wish would forget you exist. Because eventually, you’ll wish they would. Meh comes to us all sooner or later. Everything looks different from the meh perspective so plan accordingly.

    • Exactly. There is a name for it- triangulation. The irony is that they have in fact made the chump central rather than themselves. The chump’s supposed opposition to their relationship fuels the fantasy that keeps them together. Without it they flatline, get bored and cheat on each other. They’re really stupid.

      • OHFFS– Yikes I don’t know why I didn’t think of triangulation. Of course. Maybe we could add a prefix to it that more specifically applies to this.

        True that it ironically makes the chump more central. But I think that’s how the war started to begin with. Cheaters, as part of their various disorders, tend to have amorphous characters. There’s no “there” there as they say. So they go from target to target molding themselves to other people and other people’s values until the game is no longer fun, doesn’t pay off as expected or they’re exposed as frauds. Remember Woody Allan’s Zelig? Sort of like that. So I suspect part of the rage and hatred involved in discard is a matter of the cheater declaring the chump a false god for not delivering the expected rewards of paradise. Meanwhile the poor chump had no idea all those expectations had been put on them and that the cheater had no real identity of their own.

        • You are absolutely right. They have no identity and rely on mirroring a partner to give them the feeling of having one. Since it inevitably doesn’t work, they blame it on you for not meeting their crazy expectations and tell themselves a new partner is the answer. They will repeat this dismal pattern with every partner they have. In my case it took him a very long time to feel like the identity he got by mirroring me wasn’t working for him. He created a new one by mirroring schmoopie. There was nothing he wouldn’t do to be like her. So much of it was unbelievably ridiculous stuff. Now he knows that identity was false too and is completely lost, has no idea who he is or what he wants. Thankfully, it’s not my problem anymore. From what I have read on the subject, the next time he partners up the devaluation and discard will happen a lot faster. Sucks to be them and freedom from their dysfunction is great, isn’t it.

    • This is such a great help. I went low contact w first husband but we ended up being civil. I just didn’t care after awhile. Same as you. This current FW is doing everything to get under my skin and triangulate. Threaten. Cajole. Apologize. Then sneer. It doesn’t really get to me. I hope he moves on. But he knows I want him to so now he refuses. It’s all a game. He’s so fixated on me it’s actually scary. He has to be the exiter. He loves conflict and putting me down. His put downs don’t matter anymore but talking to him is ugh awful. I can’t wait to be free. And he knows it and can’t stand it.

  • Watching the wicked flourishing and being patted on the back always sucks. But it is a part of real life in many circumstances. You know the truth about these backstabbers. They can go f themselves, all of them.

    Build your own life and new memories. Move away if you can.

    It’s a very unfair world, but you can find happiness in it in your own little corner.

  • Tracy, the way you put things in perspective…Wow. A year of therapy didnt give me so much as reading this blog. You have an unique gift of naming things as they should be named…Thank you💗

  • One of the greatest gifts in being fired (erased) from his life was the release from impression management. I was very skilled at making him look good, buying his clothes, setting up his business and buying a home.

    The end result he wanted to achieve was breaking me. And fear was replaced with anger. I decided to fight for myself.

    • I did that, not in his business (police officer) but in terms of his clothing, his volunteer work (I did most of it for him) social calendar etc.

      In real time I wondered why he left his volunteer work (that I did) as he seemed to really get a lot of positive feedback from that. I realized after a while, that he did try, but it evidently wasn’t the same with a different mate. I suspect when he fired me, he was envisioning schmoopie stepping right in to the life I had built, and when that didn’t happen, either because she wouldn’t, or she wasn’t accepted, or maybe both it lost it’s luster.

      Also, and it is not a put down but just the truth; Schmoopie was kind of loud, coarse and not well educated. I am not highly educated, just a two year Business degree, but I am a reader; and believe it or not fairly quiet in nature.

      So who knows why he took the escape route.

      Plus and I am going to be frank here, as horrible as he treated me, I do think he carried some shame of it into his life, and he just had difficulty with that for a while. He fairly quickly moved schmoopie out of the county. When we were married he insisted we had to live right in the very town he grew up in, and our son had to go to the same school he did.

      So something happened there to make him bolt.

  • I made him look good. So he can move a town over, he can acquire a new unflattering look, invest in multiple junk cars, give up a business and future fake on the rare times he’s allowed out of the house to engage with others. No one really cares. They know the truth.

    And living better really is the answer. You change. You face and conquer your fears. The justice lies in his lack of power and control over you. You live your life.

  • Another thing to keep in mind with social media Miss-Erable, is there is nothing stopping him from removing or blocking YOU, but he hasn’t. There’s a reason for that: He wants you to see the relationship posts. This is a common tactic purely intended to make you feel exactly how you feel.

    Cheaters and abusers will often try to put out the best possible public image of their lives and their relationships in places they know you will see it, because they want you to feel like you were the problem, and their life is absolutely amazing without YOU. It’s not just image management for the rest of the people in their social circle (though that is still a big part of it, for other reasons) it’s also a deliberate, calculated, shoving-it-in-your-face, way to make you feel like you are the shitty one.

    There’s no reason for him to keep you on his social media other than that. Some people will play social media chicken, like who long will you both go before one of you finally blocks the other, and he wants it to be you, so he can cram in as much of his Sparkle in your face as possible. Don’t play this game. Just block him and remove everyone mutually connected. Will he probably get some twisted ego stroke out of you blocking him? Probably. He’ll get some satisfaction out of being able to tell his dumb friends “Oh she blooocked me lol” but it’s better to just cut the cable and go fully no contact and have him *possibly* chuckle to his narcissistic self about it than to sit there and have him pack your newsfeed with his image management.

    Always, always, always be extremely suspicious of cheating/abusive exes who don’t make the effort to actually block or remove you from social media. There is 100% an ulterior motive with that.

    • It’s also for triangulation. They need an Other in order to keep the excitement level high enough to sustain their fantasy bond. It was always based on chumping the Other kibbles. That doesn’t change just because he left the chump. Now they have to shove it in her face to get their high. If Miss Erable doesn’t give them that sick satisfaction it will eventually force them to chump each other to get that thrill. Most cheaters are people who are, to varying degrees, addicted to the power rush they get from emotionally abusing others.

      • True. And the further you get away from the whole thing, the grosser it is to realize that a projection or figment of you was always included in cheater’s/AP’s creepy sexcapades. It wasn’t any fun without having the specter of you hovering over the sticky, yucky romps. Ew.

  • Consider this; he probably moved that close to you to facilitate triangulation. They are hoping you will burst into tears at the sight of them and are agonizing over being exposed to their “relationship”. He and schmoopie need cruelty to chump kibbles in order for their “relationship” to have any zest. This is true of all fuckwit “relationships”. Which means it won’t work, because you won’t oblige them by playing their game. They’ll have to create new chumps to be mean to by cheating on each other in order to get their kicks. It’s going to be a shit show.

    So you do win. You don’t have a cheater in your life, but they both do, and character will out. You won’t be there to see it, having moved on, but knowing it’s going to happen will feel like a small bit of justice. Now sally forth and ignore fuckwits, including so-called friends who stab you in the back. Don’t look at their social media, walk right by if you see them in the street, and never, ever give them the creepy satisfaction of knowing it hurts you to see them together. If you can’t do that, move far away from them.

    Six months is very early. Healing takes a long time, but it will come. Hang in there.

    • Amen to all of this! OhFFS nails it!

      I think the most unintentionally hurtful thing I said to my then STBX was, “I don’t really care what you two do or where you go.”

      He seemed so incredibly taken aback. It was clear to me that he got off on my caring.

      NC all the way. He doesn’t get the kibbles. Narcs thrive on kibbles.

      NC has been a magic elixir for me.

  • My ex said he was sorry – “I’m sorry” – via email – that was it – we have never spoken or been together since the day he left on a business trip. He never asked for a reconciliation. He left one day, thought he had found a new woman, I filed for divorce, he found another new woman…showed no interest in what had been done to me or how I was feeling. He does now realize I know what he was doing in secret. He doesn’t know how much though. He is being very decent – paying for some things he doesn’t have to. I don’t know why. I want justice. I want the world to know that he is not a nice person. I know that any woman he has a relationship won’t know about his secret life. But he is doing some nice things for me as we finish up our business together. To buy my silence? Guilt? To be able to say what a nice guy he was making sure I was taken care of?

    • Similar experience with my covert narc. It’s to show what a nice drama free and non fussed human they are. How noble, right? Thats my theory.

      About him paying for things, it’s what he should be doing. Going over and beyond could be guilt, could be anything, doesn’t matter. It’s not going to compensate for the damage. He’s not going through trauma. You are.

      Forget about what the world thinks of him. I’m telling that to myself as well. I woke up at 4am today feeling anger that no one asked me if his 9 page smear campaign email was true or not. I did not and still do not feel the need to defend myself. Those who know, know. Can leave them to their devices and look forward to building your life.

  • This story gave me an idea for a new movie starring Ashton Kutcher…”Dude Where’s My Justice?”.

    Seriously, six months of chumpdom is a nano-second to reaching MEH. Your heart lags behind your mind, but please understand you WILL get there. Be a tough m’fer, establish your boundaries, block these idiots on social media!

    You will do this!

  • So, here is something I have observed and this is an important observation. When all the “lust hormones” wear off, the two cheaters have to look at each other and realize neither of them is trustworthy.

    When this happens, they will get slammed with cognitive dissonance. And they will have to convince themselves it’s ALL OKAY.

    I have observed that when doubt creeps in, the two creeps will start posting all kinds of things on social media about how great their life is. The end goal here is not necessarily to brag about their alleged great life. It’s a way to convince themselves that they have great lives. When someone likes a photo, they are allowed to stay in their comfortable delusion and believe that they made the right choice.

    Posting to Facebook and getting likes is a way to reinforce the delusion that they did the right thing.

    Because in the back of their minds, they each know the truth: neither of them are trustworthy people. And if it has dawned on them that they shacked up with someone who is untrustworthy – both of them – they will fight hard to prove that all is well. And so they take to social media to actually feed themselves their OWN lies. And if someone “likes” one of their photos, they can keep believing the lies they tell themselves.

    But, being with an untrustworthy person will one day become a giant elephant on the room; a 4,000 pound elephant.

    And then they will truly be thrown into cognitive dissonance. They will start to fight because that 4,000 pound elephant becomes very hard to navigate. They must live with that elephant every day. For that elephant represents the truth they attempt to deny: they are both untrustworthy cheaters.

    And no one can build a solid foundation of a relationship when lies, duplicity, and egregious harm to an innocent person is how the relationship started. They are building a mere house of cards. And THEY KNOW IT.

    Dump your friends who like their posts. Move to another part of town. Find a hobby where you can meet new friends. Join online support groups.

    The more your ex posts to Facebook, the more he is trying to feed himself his own lie.

  • They didn’t have FB when my FW crapped all over himself. But, after they were married and down the line a few years, schmoopie did get a FB account. We have joint grandchildren, so I would go look for recent pics. She filled her FB with Christina affirmations/memes. Now as a Christian I have no issue with that, but knowing what they both did, and how long it went on, it gave me a chuckle.

    The ex FW keeps a low profile. I honestly don’t think it is just because of me, I likely am the least of it. He just flat out shit all over his life when he did what he did. Not only the personal life, but his work life, and community life. He threw his whole life away on the town whore. He knows it and so does everyone else.

    But, in reality he is no better than she is. And as you say the lust hormones have long past, and when they look at each other, they know.

    • Hi Susie Lee,

      My favorite topic…. Christian Cheaters! (Or any cheater who associates with ANY religion that says one MUST NOT COMMIT ADULTERY because God said so and God makes the rules).

      Moses was given the 10 Commandments carved in stone. Why? Because God knew that when a person is out of toilet paper, a papyrus scroll will do. But, for any scholars out there, the Talmud notes that the 10 Commandments were carved out of Lapis Lazuli. However, other scholars say they were carved out of deep blue Sapphire. Either way, the 10 Commandments were not carved on an ordinary, gray rock. (Gray rock is a great for dealing with ex’s, but the 10 Commandments were not carved on gray rock).

      They were carved on extremely expensive and precious stones. Those 10 Commandments were written on precious stones that to this very day would sell for a billion dollars. Of course, in today’s time period, Sapphire is more expensive than Lapis Lazuli, but to the ancients, such large and precious stones were VERY difficult to come by. And they were even more difficult to carve. For Moses to be able to get ahold of a giant, solid piece of s precious stone and carve God’s word on it, was quite a feat.

      I do not like hypocrisy. If there are any Jewish or Christian chumps out there and if you read the Bible, there are many Bible verses concerning adultery. Here is the largest one: if Christians or Jews have an affair while married and then get divorced and marry the affair partner, God does not recognize such a marriage as marriage. God views it as a continuation of adultery. The Bible verses are there and they are very clear. If someone marries an affair partner, they are considered as adulterers in God’s eyes. But, don’t take my word for it. Look it up in the Bible. If any Christians and Jews were not made aware of these verses in the Bible, there is a reason. Humans like to find loopholes to get around things. Christians cheat as much as others do. IF all Christians were shown that marrying the affair partner doesn’t make them righteous, well that would be a very inconvenient truth. Additionally, SOME pastors are serial cheaters. So, there is no way on earth such a pastor would point out such a Bible verse.

      Because Christians are all about loopholes! “Oh, if I marry the affair partner, this makes us righteous people again and we can continue to be righteous and holier than thou.” Nope! It doesn’t work that way.

      The same law applies to Christians and Jews since these versus are found in the Old Testament.

      I am not here to pick on Christians or Jews, for one side of my family is Jewish and the other Protestant. As a result, I study both religions and have done so for many years.

      Also, news flash ! I am NOT perfect.

      I am just here to point out that the Bible clearly states that marrying an affair partner is a continuation of adultery, IF a person looks at Biblical law. If a person chooses to be an out-spoken Christian on social media and if this same person is in an adulterous relationship, all I ask is that they don’t associate themselves with the church. It irks me to no end that people hide under the label of religion.

      I love having a one-on-one relationship with the Divine, but I do not attend any organized religious group. I don’t hide under a label and I attempt to do the right thing.

      Susie, if you want to have a chuckle, you could post these Bible verses on social media. But, you probably won’t and I don’t blame you because who wants to waste their precious time on two FW’s.

      • My guess is they have totally rewritten their meeting and marriage for their new church. Just like he rewrote our marriage history.

        Wouldn’t surprise me if they have rewritten it to make me the cheater. Likely they wouldn’t do that, because of the chance my son might visit their church, but hey they are pretty ballsey, so who knows.

        More likely it is something like: Oh poor fuckwits ex wife kicked him out, and treated him awful. Then fuckwit met whore and we fell madly in luv.

    • Susie Lee you are right! when the chemicals have worn off what is there left? Only two shitty people and a mess.

  • >