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UBT: “I Forgive You”

Dear Chump Lady,

Thank you for your insightful and supportive blog. I am a chump. Married 6 years and separated for 7 months, I have already filed for divorce. Mr. Sparkles cheated repeatedly and blames me for the separation and divorce, but the biggest mindfuck is HE forgives me.

I hope this one makes it to the UBT. I have been no contact for months and when he surfaced, this is part of what he had to say:

I forgave you for contributing to the end of our marriage. I forgave you for condemnation in seeing me as inferior (because of my sins) and for telling me that I was not worth contributing to solutions for our marriage because I was the guilty one (here he means that I refused to stay silent about the cheating). I forgave you for judging me and seeing the efforts (as little as they might be) that I was doing as a way of amending our marriage as nothing. I forgave you for telling me that I lacked commitment in our marriage regardless of what I did or contributed to building our marriage and future. I forgave you for trying to change me according to what you thought was good in your eyes. I forgave you for failing to see the emotional, mental anguish I was going through (although you claim to know me more than anyone) regardless of my attempts to pretend all was well. I forgave you for failing to understand the kind of person I am because I believe you had blinkers on the kind of person I was supposed to be in your eyes. I forgave you because I have come to understand that forgiving you is not for your benefit but it is for my benefit and allows me to see beyond the hurt. Yes, I have hurt you, I have stomped on your heart, I have abused you, I have lied to you, etc but I was also hurt.

The grammar is horrific, but I hope the UBT can still grind the forgiveness essay.

Kind regards

ForgivenChump

Holy False Equivalence Batman, this sounds like a grudge list that begins with “I forgave you.”

Nothing like being absolved of your sins by a cheater. That’s like having a hedgehog proof your college essays.

Fortunately, the Universal Bullshit Translator eats Jedi-level DARVO for breakfast.

I forgave you for contributing to the end of our marriage.

I cheated on you and you filed for divorce. Let’s not call it a consequence, but a contribution to the end of our marriage. I’m collecting for the Wayward Home for the Eternally Fuckwitted. For a dollar a day you can sponsor a cheater who needs a clue. With your generous support I may one day learn who’s at fault here.

I forgave you for condemnation in seeing me as inferior (because of my sins)

You saw through my bullshit. This is unforgivable.

But if I cast myself as the One Hard Done By, I can confer absolution of your sins from the lofty position of my superiority.

and for telling me that I was not worth contributing to solutions for our marriage because I was the guilty one (ForgivenChump Note: Here he means that I refused to stay silent about the cheating).

You are harsh and condemning. I am but a small moppet who was cruelly judged. Are my contributions to the marriage not worth it? The Chlamydia?

I forgave you for judging me

You judging my abusive actions is far worse than me committing them.

and seeing the efforts (as little as they might be) that I was doing as a way of amending our marriage as nothing.

Okay, I did nothing, but you weren’t supposed to get all uppity about it.

I forgave you for telling me that I lacked commitment in our marriage

You pointed out the obvious.

regardless of what I did or contributed to building our marriage and future.

I paid a utility bill once. Made you pancakes. Gave you venereal disease. It’s like the PANCAKES WERE NEVER GOOD ENOUGH.

I forgave you for trying to change me according to what you thought was good in your eyes.

Imagine the unmitigated gall of a woman expecting monogamy from her husband.

I forgave you for failing to see the emotional, mental anguish I was going through (although you claim to know me more than anyone) regardless of my attempts to pretend all was well.

My dick always wanders when I’m anguished. You should know that.

I forgave you for failing to understand the kind of person I am because I believe you had blinkers on the kind of person I was supposed to be in your eyes.

You were so stupid, I had to cheat on you. It’s not my fault I lie, it’s your fault you wear blinkers. That I put there with lies. But, whatever, you trusted me. Your bad.

I forgave you because I have come to understand that forgiving you is not for your benefit but it is for my benefit and allows me to see beyond the hurt.

Forgiving you is for my benefit. So is fucking around on you. And eating all the pancakes. Pretty much everything is for my benefit.

Yes, I have hurt you, I have stomped on your heart, I have abused you, I have lied to you, etc but I was also hurt.

I abused you. I am powerful and central. Your suffering is “etc.”

When I’m hurt, I’m allowed to stomp on you. If you’re hurt, you may not judge me, for that is pretext for further stomping. I find your consequences very unfair. But I shall soldier on.

Wayward Home for the Eternally Fuckwitted… leave the light on.

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
    • I agree. She drew boundaries, she let consequences be consequences. What he really can’t get over is that she saw through his act and got her act together.

      I like the definition of forgiveness as: taking your hands off their throat.

      and this person who wrote the letter has definitely not done that.

    • Thank you Divorce Minister. As you say, “courage to confront the truth of the betrayals, the truth about ourselves and the truth about who we married.” And now I embrace the courage to walk away from the abuse. Thank you for your blog. You and ChumpLady got me unhooked from hopium.

    • I have found the “forgiveness” or “owning your part” stuff to be MADDENING re: infidelity. Thank you for speaking truth to the bullshit.

  • Unfortunately I never even got the decency of a pathetic and insulting note like this after DDay #2 and sudden ghosting from my wife. There was certainly a lot a blame and hate spewed at me during my endless calls and texts to her begging for her to come home. According to her, that wasn’t feasible because I couldn’t accept the blame for her transgressions. I certainly did after DDay #1, I didn’t even know what I was accepting, I was willing to accept anything just for the pain to end. She could have accused me of being on the grassy knoll during JFK and I probably would have accepted it at that time. I refused to do the pick-me-dance again after DDay #2 and that’s what she blamed the demise of our marriage on.
    I often wonder if I would prefer to receive one of these notes or just remain silenced by her, not one word, call or text in over 6 months. Sometimes seems like getting insulted is still easier than completely discarded. Like they viewed our marriage, the grass is always greener on the other side.

    • “I was willing to accept anything just for the pain to end.”. Justin, somewhere inside you knew that accepting the unacceptable was ABUSE. Being silenced was a result of calling her out to accept responsibility. The pain IS finite.

      • Just one more point. Forgiving a cheater is giving them a hall pass to do it again and expect the same. Not a good plan.

    • Justin–

      Remember the initial DARVO abuse from her? Just imagine it on a loop for 6 months. That’s what you’re “missing.”

      Trust me, it will start again the second you arrive at actual “meh.” FWs have an extrasensory radar for the moment chumps genuinely move on. Then FWs show up like bad pennies at times they are not wanted. Go figure.

      It sounds like you were blindsided by an extremely covert narc.

    • Even though there are times I wish for some kind of apology, I compare the way I feel now with the way I feel whenever he opened his mouth, and I’d pay to keep it this way if I had to.

    • It still might be coming Justin. The Karma Bus took 1.5 years to drive past my house. It did not arrive in the form of a letter per se, but a FB message from an old high school friend of my ex and his AP. (My ex had an affair with his old high school girlfriend, essentially living a double life. They were known as a couple down in LA, while I stayed in Idaho and ran the farm and business.)

      I had not heard from this person for at least 10 years, when all of a sudden a chirpy, happy little note appeared in FB messenger. The “friend” asked me about my goats, my new hobbies — things she had no way of knowing about unless she had learned of them from my ex-husband. I had blocked my ex on FB, so this message was clearly an attempt from either my ex or his AP to learn about me. I responded with my own happy chirpy note about how busy I had been over the summer taking sailing lessons with my new boyfriend. Then silence from the mutual “friend”.

      It felt soooo good! My ex had ridden off into the sunset with his tru luv 1.5 years previously. leaving me to deal the divorce, his crap, the farm. The injustice had really bugged me. I had never gotten any “closure” or apology from him. He is too weak and introspection is hard work for a narc. After this message I could envision the sad sausage locked down in an overpriced, crappy LA apartment worrying about his finances and future now that he has lost his cash cow (me) — while I gushed about learning to sail with my new boyfriend in beautiful North Idaho with no COVID shut downs.

      I built a new life for me, but being able to rub it in his face felt very good. Justice. Keep building a new life. Your time will come.

      • Good for you!! Not all of us will see karma, or even recognize it if it does happen. But the biggest karma is living a wonderful life without being mindfucked anymore. Enjoy the sailing!

    • Consider it a compliment, plus its less baggage to work through.

      Walk tall into your new life.
      Its gonna be awesome.

    • Justin – sorry that you got ghosted by your wife, it is almost more cruel than the cheating itself. I spend a ton of time reading and re-reading Psychopath Free (great articles on the web site too). When you are dealing with someone who has NPD (or is on the spectrum), you learn to accept that they are not wired like you and me. They compartmentalize everything in life and assign value to everything based on what value it adds to their life. I was no more important to my XH than the vacuum cleaner. I was his wife appliance and someone who made him look like a good and engaged father and provider. I went through way to many D-days and likely would’ve continued to until he left me for a OW (he had many), so I understand your grassy knoll comment completely. All I can say is give it time, keep coming here to CN, read the archives and the LACGAL book. Start valuing yourself the way you deserve (and wish she had)… give yourself that energy. Be glad the trash took itself out. Many of us here work hard to get to No Contact with our cheating fuckwits, count your blessings.

      • yes! My healing began when I realized that I would NEVER get an apology and that I should move on and get a life. It’s so so good here on the other side.

    • My STBX started saying nice things to me about 1.5 months after D-day. She was still seeing the F-friend. I asked her to consider making our marriage work. She said she would consider it. While she was “considering” it, she sent me an email asking me to approve a three month parenting schedule and I realized it was OVER. Tore my heart out.

      I’m almost 5 months from D-day.

      None of this is easy and I find myself in some dark places sometimes BUT I do take solace in the following:

      1) I didn’t cheat. Cheating is something that will live with a person FOREVER. They might be narcissistic enough to ignore it for awhile but it eventually catches up to them.
      2) If a trusted friend asks about the reasons my marriage ended, I tell them. Many of them know about the affair and her refusal to leave the family home for four months while she continued the relationship. The STBX hates the fact that our friends know about the affair. It follows her like a stench. Discovering the affair is my karma; otherwise, she likely would have left me in a few years and blamed the entire marriage on me. Knowledge is the power here.
      3) It’s getting better. I finally got her out of the house and that made a huge difference. Slowly but surely, it’s getting better.

      Hang in there!

      • B-lo–

        You nailed it– at least we’re not them. You’re right that affair participants are trailed by a stench. It’s pretty equal opportunity as well– for FWs and APs, whether male or female.

        I found it hilarious when the NY Times (traditionally full of cheater apologias) claimed a particular 2014 Gallup poll was proof of uptight public puritanism because the poll found that Americans disapprove of infidelity more than they ever did, even more than the public disapproves of suicide or human cloning. Meanwhile the same poll of the same people showed a massive increase in approval for gay marriage so was the intolerance of adultery really coming from puritanical ethos or plain old empathy and ethics because cheating is more often recognized as a form of abuse?

        Not a good time in history to be exposed as a cheater and kudos to you for refusing to protect those who committed abuse.

    • I do think it’s better. In a way it makes you feel like you have some control over it. Of course, being cheated on nearly always implies a relatively long period of being lied to/gaslighted and of you living in ignorance, and that’s upsetting enough. But my ex was also the one who left, so not only he cheated on me, lied to me every time I would try to broach the subject when I could tell something was wrong, made me sick while I was trying to figure out what was happening around me, but he also abandoned me. He’d say, yes I’m an asshole who cheated (an understatement) and I also want to leave. All of this decided unilaterally, I was only a pawn in his game.

      So in a way, I do wish I had the husband who wrote letters like this and wanted to stay. It doesn’t mean that it would have worked or that I would have forgiven him, or that the pain would have been less, but I could have felt like I had *some* choice. What stings the most to me is that it all happened to me, I never had the time to choose one thing or another, I was just discarded. I wasn’t even worth one letter, a willingness to try, anything, after 17 years together.

      • Well said, Yee. Feeling like you have no control is dangerously close to feeling like you have no hope. You regain both, but it is a dark struggle at first.
        I read somewhere that at many intersections, the pedestrian button (that you push in order to get the light to change so you can cross on foot) does absolutely nothing. It’s not even connected to anything–it exists solely for the purpose of making people think they have some control while they wait for the light to change. Supposedly it keeps pedestrians from becoming so impatient that they decide to try to run across the street against the light. And you know what? Even after reading that article, I still push those buttons repeatedly when I’m walking around town, even when it’s obvious they have no effect whatsoever on the the timing of the traffic light. I figure we are all extras in this grand French farce of life, and it is important to stay in character.

    • Hey Justin; Chances are you have not heard the last of her….continue to build strength so you can calmly tell her to pack sand when/if she does.
      You should be glad she has not tried to pursue you (yet) it just makes it harder. It seems like an acknowledgment, but it is mind fuckery.

    • Justin, I too experienced this type of discard after 18 years of marriage. I relate strongly to the silence. My ex had a marriage counselor tell me he wanted a divorce. I thought he was going through a delayed midlife crisis and health fear about his precious prostate! (His dad and numerous uncles all died from prostate cancer) when I asked if it was me causing his unhappiness he said no not really just maybe a few minor things…. when I took the initiative to find a therapist, all of a sudden he’s “been miserable for at least 10 years….” despite giving me a pricey upgraded wedding ring and building our dream home together literally 18 months before he left. It is painful to not even get a conversation…or 10! It took a few years but now I could not be happier, away from the negative sad sausage, always the victim! It gets better, but you will never understand or figure it out because it’s illogical and bizarre. There is a blog by Tracy in the archives about this sort of cheater. THE ONES THAT JUST LEAVE WITHOUT A WORD .Not sure the exact title but worth finding. As Tracy calls them…Ice polar vortex cold…

    • Justin… my nowhusband (Col Greatguy) was abandonned by a woman who was sure that there was greener grass. He pick-me-danced for 6 months at the end of which he asked for an answer and she said “I am not longer attracted to 6’3″ blond men”. She then pulled the famous switcheroo of not doing the divorce paperwork and forcing his hand to do it. After the divorce, she figured out she would have to get a job so she asked him to remarry whereupon he said no. She later told their daughter the split was all his doing.

      She got remarried and he seems a decent fellow but not as rich as I believe she planned. I didnt enter the picture until they were divorced like 12 years and she is HORRIBLE to me.

      We have a great relationship with his daughter and we have a great life. Poor hubby went through it and now has a woman who appreciates what a good man he is

  • Read the whole thing again and this time leave out the words I forgive you. All this man is doing is using this letter as a way to further punish.

    He doesn’t know the first thing about forgiveness. Forgiveness does not mean throwing a laundry list of wrongs in the face of the person that you have hurt.

    this is a very interesting way of continuing to twist the knife. I’m glad that you posted this because I will be on the watch for it.

    I could also use prayer. I’m in the midst of a big battle myself.

    • Murthachumper, you have my prayers as well. I am in the battle stage too. I highly recommend Divorce Minister’s blog. He has so much wisdom.

    • Muthachumper, thanks for the observation. That’s going to help me be my own UBT because I regularly face garbage like this.

      On the topic of twisting the knife, I love when he specifies that he’s forgiving for his own benefit, not for hers, as if that wasn’t obvious in every sentence. He just has to make sure she noticed that he doesn’t give a crap about her. Twist, twist, twist.

      You are so insightful, I have no doubt that you’ll be victorious. Sending good wishes.

    • Muthachumper, many positive thoughts to you! I’m going into battle this week in a face-to-face with the STBX and AP. My confidence is quickly waning, but I know my truth. Have faith, be strong, and the path will reveal itself.

    • The power of truth is on your side.
      What they do belongs to them what do you do belongs to you.
      Use your intelligence, your wit, your experience, and the information that you have to cut the best deal for yourself.
      Stay with that agenda and see your way through.
      Sending light, strength, courage, healing.

  • It’s always nice when they have a list of everything you’ve done wrong.

    And yet she didn’t cheat on him. Somehow she managed to be the world’s worst wife, and yet remain faithful.

    So very glad to read that you are running like your hair is on fire.

    • Exactly. I also had a long list of things I would have wanted for our marriage to be better. Never even cross ed my mind to cheat on him. If I felt like cheating on him I would have definitely addressed the problem with him, voice it at least. I somehow assumed we held the same standards and he would have done the same with me. How wrong I was.

  • “I forgave you for failing to understand the kind of person I am because I believe you had blinkers on the kind of person I was supposed to be in your eyes.”

    Dude, it’s not blinkers. It’s blinders. She’s not trying to signal a turn here unless it’s a turn that leads away from your dirty ass.

    • Mind-reader. 😊

      I think our writer should get MORE blinkers, in all the colors, and we can all gather ’round and then dance dance DANCE her away together! ⭐⭐⭐

    • My ex also said things to me about not knowing the real him, not accepting him for who he really is. It was so confusing. What exactly did I miss in the 14.5 years we were together?

      I don’t ever remember being corrected about anything. I saw him nearly everyday all those years, knew every one of his family members, every one one of his friends, met his coworkers. We had two children together. My cousin was his best friend. I saw him in all of these environments. Yet, I somehow missed knowing him?!?

      Turns out my cousin, his best friend didn’t now him either. Nor does his family.

      In fact, the only person who seems to know the real him is the woman he left the marriage for, so he claims. He can finally be who he was meant to be, says the man in his mid-40s. She must be quite the mindreader.

  • Yup. I got that too.

    From the masterpiece she sent 5 days after the divorce was finalized . . .

    “Finally, I want to tell you that while I at times get frustrated, I am not angry. I learned how to forgive someone from whom I will never hear ‘I’m sorry,’ despite my having said those words to him. I learned how to tie it to a balloon and to let it all go. But I know you are angry still. I can see it in the way you twist up your mouth when you see me.”

    This was after 10 months of in-house separation hell, during which she went to great and constant lengths to tell me how I was only hurting myself and my relationship with my daughters by not “getting past” things and moving forward.

    • Better to have no feelings at all, like a cheater, than to have genuine pain or revulsion, eh? Better to be stone cold than to have been vulnerable, to have one’s trust stolen?

      I don’t see anger and bitterness as the insult they try to weaponize. I see these as indications of your humanity, of lessons learned because you loved. I don’t know that these types know what love is (I mean it) and I don’t think, therefore, that they have any empathy.

      Funny how they don’t bother themselves to be concerned about your well-being when they’re stabbing you in the back, but when you pull the knife out and wince during the healing–that’s when they feign caring about your emotions.

    • You could tell her “Thanks for the visual, it helps me picture tying you to a balloon, and watch you go up, up and up higher still to where there is no more oxygen for you to spew more bull crap like this doozy.”
      what a bucket load!

  • The response that rises in my mind (not suggesting you actually say it… sometimes it’s better to just ignore the lunacy…) is this:

    “Wow, I sound like a real monster. Should be good for you to be rid of that kind of toxicity in your life. Congrats!”

    Being 100% rid of that level of narcissistic abuse is totally, completely the best idea. Can’t come soon enough. Sending you all good things for the smoothest possible transition.

    • The very next day he suggested that we should be friends as a way of helping me heal. The awful, faithful condemning, blind, mind-reading (fail) wife is good enough to be his friend after all. I told him I have no desire to be friends and upgraded the level of no contact. Thank you Amiis free for your good wishes.

      • Forgiven– Yes, that’s a call for super-deluxe-extra-mega-potent NC.

        I dated an older FW in NY and ended up working for him on a project right out of school. At some point I learned he wasn’t the “really great guy” he’d convinced everyone he was and he became more controlling and critical. One day he went into a rage and dead-bolted his apartment door so I couldn’t leave. I eventually got out by threatening to scream out the window and draw the police. My friend trotted me down the police station the next day to file a report with the help of some threatening messages that had been left on my answering machine. The NYPD was not known for prompt response to domestic violence or terrorism so, in the meantime, I showed up at work and did my job perfectly, maintained a calm rapport with others but refused to acknowledge this guy even existed. He would address me and I’d find some lint on my sweater, or would turn heel and go the other way. A few coworkers had my back so there was little he could do.

        What made holding my ground easier is that, in that period, I had so many allies around me in my personal life. I think a lot of chumps lose that source of strength after years of systematic isolation and fuckwittery or even just arbitrary circumstances like a move or being consumed with kids and work, etc. But I could see the power of having those resources back then. How lucky.

        Shortly after I reported the incident to the police, I was leaving work and FW called up the stairs to me and said, “Why can’t we be FRIENDS!?” He was standing next to some flying monkey lackey at the time. I remember I looked down the stairwell as if some rats were squeaking at me from an underground burrow, then turned away and exited. Symbolic moment– I really had the high ground. Despite the fact that I’d only told two people what was really happening, despite the 16 year age difference (he acted “boyish” and minimized the effect of the gap at first), despite his reputation and status over me, by the end of the project, everyone was on my side save for a few flying monkeys.

        On the last day, everyone broke into a rousing rendition of “Hit the Road Jack.” I’m sure if polled, most had no idea why they were being so disrespectful to boss FW who was entirely unaccustomed to losing political parries like this. People just didn’t like him all of a sudden. I didn’t kid myself that most of these people would not have turned on me with even greater contempt had I not “won” the silent vibe showdown. A few days later, FW was ordered to appear at the police station and charged with things like unlawful imprisonment, terrorist threat, etc. He had to plead Nolo in criminal court. I didn’t even have to show up. I soon had another job and life was good.

        And that is why FWs want to stay “friends.” Partly so they can keep poisoning and weakening you but largely as a way to play to the crowd and prevent losing control of the narrative. I think it operates on a kind of monkey mob rule dynamic more than anything intellectual. By the same token, maintaining that high ground is not about ego for victims but can be about sheer survival since secondary victimization by onlookers is common as dirt and secondary victimization can embolden abusers further. But if you’re no longer showing fealty to the dominant monkey FW, the crowd senses the shift in power dynamics. For abusers, it’s all about power, they excel in triangulation and are exquisitely sensitive to every shift and ripple.

        What was missing in my experience though was acknowledgement of the trauma I’d been through. My family was supportive and I tried to seek therapy but there was still a lot of victim blaming in the field of psych in that era and I got sick of it. I had to be bulletproof and survive. But less than a year later, I was engaged and soon to be married to someone who, although not overtly abusive, would end up boiling me like a frog for many years until I was oblivious when the cheating began.

        I think the 50% statistical increased risk of being abused in a relationship following one incident of abuse is because we become more vulnerable to the “rescuer routine.” I ended up feeling more scared to be on my own and was probably unconsciously looking for a beard or body guard more than a partner at that point. But to quote the Roman poet (forget the name) “Quis custodiet ipsos custodes?”– “Who will protect us from our protectors?” Without realizing it, our scale of “acceptable” behavior can end up skewed by comparison. Oh at least he’d never hold me hostage.

        I had that bitch cookie thrown in my face after D-Day. His behavior could not have been abusive, see, since I’d fought off lions and tigers and bears and famously didn’t take any crap. And that answers why he chose me: he thought I’d somehow keep his dark side “contained” and then blamed me when it leaked out. Anyway, you can imagine my response when he kept angling to “stay friends” if not “remain married for the sake of the kids.” Feh. I know how this works.

      • The “friend” thing is almost as irksome as the “but you are a really good mother.”

        My ex told me that he couldn’t ask for a better mother for his children, that no one does more for their kids than I do.

        I’m good enough to bear him children and raise them well, but not good enough to stay married to. I am a wonderful example, teach them great morals, guide them in living a good life…but that’s not what he wants in a wife?!?

        What a mess in that brain of his. Thank God it’s not my mess anymore.

          • Agreed. I remember last year when my ex was drunk texting me complaining about the proposed amount of child support (guess him & his married howorker never did the math). After berating me in his texts, I finally said stop – this is toxic & our lawyers can figure it out. He then complimented me and said what a great mom I am.

  • Oh the agony of being forced to adult, the anguish of not being appreciated for my pitifully low standards, how you have tortured me by seeing my lack of character. See what a saint I am to rise above all my suffering (who really lacks character here – YOU obviously) I am the ultimate pinnacle of martyrdom, thus your trivial pain fades to insignificance when compared to mine. Blah, blah, blah.
    Don’t waste any more time trying to understand his bullshit, dear one. When a pustulant boil spews it’s rancid contents, do you spend time deeply contemplating them? Nope you clean it out thoroughly, slap on some antibiotic cream an move on. Keep doing just that. Meh is out there.

  • Wow. What a banquet of bull shit! I bet that made any lingering doubts you may have had (MAY have had) disappear in a puff of smoke and a whiff of sulfur.

  • Sometimes I really need the UBT to see past the twisted behavior of a cheater. This time not so much! It’s like “yes, I’ve done something despicable, but let me make it your fault.”

  • My ex was also someone who believed he could pronounce on my sins from “the lofty position of [his] superiority.” My ex, however, did not do this by “forgiving” me; instead, he used his magnanimity to call attention to himself as that superior person by his “thoughtfulness.” After I had moved out, he left Valentine’s Day chocolates and a Birthday card, with phrases like “someday we will know what is appropriate for celebrating this occasion, but I couldn’t not acknowledge this day,” as if we were “in it together,” in service to his preferred narrative of “we grew apart.” Predictably enough, once divorce negotiations got underway his tune and tone changed dramatically once I made clear I wasn’t acceding to his wishes for the division of property.

    And speaking of that divorce: only when I opened up CL this morning and saw the date did I realize that today is the two year anniversary of my divorce! What a difference two years makes. For all of you still slogging through the mire, keep putting one mucky foot after another, because it doesn’t just get better, it gets better than better.

    • Adelante,

      Congratulations on the two-year anniversary of your divorce! I’m so glad life is better for you.

      Your ex’s magnanimity doesn’t make him superior, despite what he might think. It makes him a manipulative snob. Ugh.

    • Wow, Adelante, it sounds like our fuckwits bookmarked the same chapter in the manual. Mine is also really intent on me accepting my 50% fault in the marriage; making me remember, acknowledge, and thank him for all the good things in the marriage; and actually told me that I had to treat him as my “moral equal.” He wrote and read a long tearful treatise on how he betrayed God and, incidentally, me. He was utterly flabbergasted when I failed to be impressed. I will definitely accept my 50% fault for failing to see how exceptional he is.

      I feel like this is a special kind of mindfuck. They don’t rage or even necessarily say anything bad about us. As long as we recognize their superiority, everything is fine! It’s hard to get your head around why, exactly, you don’t feel they’re actually sorry and can’t possibly imagine reconciling with them. Thanks to CL, CN and the wondrous UBT I have an explanation, or at least can stop the untangling.

  • A banquet of shit stew indeed. It does help to have the UBT help a chump digest this absolute nonsense. The comments here have given me a laugh straight from my belly. Thank you ChumpLady and Chump nation. I am running like my hair is on fire and looking forward to meh.

    • Forgiven–

      There is a picture of me at age 5 with a “righteous pout” on my face when a riding stable deemed me too young to ride a horse alone (good thing too– I had tried to ride the last horse backwards at a gallop and nearly started a stampede). In the photo, I’m wearing a little cowgirl hat and my expression is exaggerated and hilarious– sort of a snootily wounded epic sulk. It should be a meme.

      Anyway, that’s how far I have to reach back to even recognize the emotional intent of the letter FW sent you. He’s a 200 LB five year-old.

  • Yikes!
    I got a variation of this, “I forgave you and wanted to come back, but I know you could never forgive me.”
    Funny, I have no recollection of cheating on you for years.

    • I got basically the same. “If it had been a two-year affair or a two-week affair, it wouldn’t have mattered. You never would have forgiven me.” [note: 2 1/2 year affair]

      In his mind, my inability to forgive was equivalent to his lying and cheating for almost 3 years.

      And 2+2=5.🙄

      • Yep. Ex said “we’ll never get past this.” Yep, he determined that I couldn’t forgive him for his 1 year double life and therefore, it’s really my fault for the marriage ending. Good riddance!

  • Maybe it’s just me but i thought that letter was hilarious. It’s so off the rails that how could you not laugh at it?

    I did get an email from my conflict avoidant cheating piece of shit ex (because email was the only way baby could have an even remotely adult conversation about anything) stating that he couldn’t believe i was “throwing away” our life together and he knew I’d eventually come around (I didn’t).

    But this one is so off the rails I don’t see how anyone could keep a straight face.

    • It’s hard to imagine what the letter-writer thought this would accomplish, isn’t it? Like, what response did he really think he’d get?

      I’ve gotten a few of these over the years, and the only way I can understand them is to say “Oh, XW must have been having a really bad day, probably with a large helping of too much wine. This is a window into her id, and it’s a foul, foul place.”

      • Fair enough….too much alcohol might explain some of it 😂

        This is the kind of thing that if you were going to respond the only appropriate response is “WTF?”.

      • Direct quote from ex after me finding out about his secret sick double life.

        “You have done ten things wrong, and I have done one.”

        I said “ya, you are right. I have done ten things wrong that are the size of a grape, and you have done one thing wrong the size of a watermelon.”

        I mean how the hell do you compare affairs, lying, financial deceit to me freaking the hell out when I found out over ten times?

        These people have no sense and no brains. Narcs are just absolutely boring to me at this point.

  • Thanks for sharing the Moron Manifesto, ForgivenChump. It illustrates cheater pathology better than anything a sane person would write. My husband could have written this letter as well…he once said that although he lied to me hundreds of times, I too am guilty. Because I sometimes leave the lights on when I leave a room, and that is disrespectful to him. Disrespect is disrespect, you know!

    • Moron Manifesto. Oh my. He has told me that I am a sinner too and I am not perfect. Also, his definition of commitment includes cheating. “I cheated many times but I was still committed to the marriage.”

      • “I cheated many times but I was still committed to the marriage.”
        His heart was in the right place, even though his dick was not. Snort!

    • lmao, yeah they’re the same thing right?? my ex also had a list of complaints, and none of them could even begin to compare to cheating for 3 years with tons of people, lying about it, and making me waste time investing in a relationship he was deciding whether he wanted to be a part of or not.

    • I also left the lights on, and did. not load the dishwashers to his exact – but never specified – preferences, so yeah, you can see how it was my fault that he cheated with a woman nearly 1/2 his age?

      • What is it with cheaters and dishwasher stacking? I swear, there must be a Fuckwit Factory out there somewhere, and ‘dishwasher stacking’ is one of the programs in the software they install in them before releasing them into society.

  • I vote this the best UBT output ever. And thanks also to ForgivenChump for this spectacular piece of work.

    Judged Cheaters: if you don’t like it, leave it for the Wayward Home for the Eternally Fuckwitted. I pledge a monthly donation of US$ 0.0001 for toilet paper.

  • What a fucking dumb loser of a cheater. There were so many cringeworthy moments with the Limited when he’d share what he told the OW. There comes a point when you have to accept the fact you married an idiot.

  • Other than the normal( not normal) BS these wackjobs always say, he uses the word “amend” I guess he wanted to amend the marriage to include a third( forth, fifth, sixth) member—of course all female. Nice, that is the other dimension of the disordered cheater

  • I hope Forgiven Chump did not procreate with this asswipe. Imagine this defect as a parent? Talk about lost causes, this guy will never change and more than likely just get worse. Feel bad for the next unsuspecting chump he marries.

    • I am counting myself extremely lucky we have no little people. I cannot imagine the kind of parenting he would amend. Hehehe he likes amending not actually doing the right thing. OW had moved in (I left because I knew he would screw me over with an in-house separation) but she has already left. He is on the hunt for kibbles now and suggested we “rectify” our friendship as a way of helping me heal. You cannot make this shit up.

        • I think it’s securing kibbles and image management. I chumped her and she is still my friend ergo I am a good person. Although I don’t understand why HE would want to be friends with such a judgmental, condemning, blind wife? His idiocy knows no bounds.

          • I think “rectify” and “rectum” might have the same root, thus suggesting which part of the cheaters body should receive the letter

  • My favorite part is where he says “I forgave you because I have come to understand that forgiving you is not for your benefit but it is for my benefit and allows me to see beyond the hurt.”

    Well clearly. He could just “forgive” to release himself… but instead sends an abusive letter to mansplain forgiveness.

    If it weren’t so awful and pathetic, it would be funny. He’s beyond delusional.

    • Yes, that’s the line that stood out because “it is for my benefit” gets at the main point: “it’s all about ME, always was, and always will be!”

  • Wow! Just wow!

    I feel this sums up the attitude of a lot of cheaters, mine included: “I find your consequences very unfair. But I shall soldier on.” So big of them!

    My ex wrote basically the same to me, with the added threat of God’s wrath. “God will punish me for my infidelity, but he’ll punish you and the kids even more for this unfair punishment.” I didn’t think he was religious. Weird.

    Anyway, all this reminds me of the line in LAC; GAL: “When I hit you in the head with that hammer, I cut my hand. Will you bring me a bandage and kiss my boo-boo?”

    They have to delude themselves like this to “soldier on.” They build walls of deceit to protect their vulnerable egos. If they recognize their blame and basic shittiness, they would despair. So they keep pinning the blame on others, thus continuing the abuse. This is why NC is, as CL puts it, the “Magic Elixir.”

    ForgivenChump, can you block his emails so that you’re not subject to any more of this blameshifting and gaslighting? Good luck!

    • Excellent points. Perhaps we can enjoy a cup of coffee together in “hell” some day with all the other spouses who have been judged and sentenced to eternal damnation by our self-righteous, cheating EXes.

  • Yikes. This cheater is dangerous. Thank God you’re free!

    My mom, a malignant narcissist, talks like this. No wonder I married two narcissist cheaters.

    This letter is exhibit 1 for the value of going no contact.

  • Wow. What a BIG BABY. Literally. This is the perfect situation to respond with complete silence. It will be deafening to poor whiny baby. So funny he still thinks of you in this way. You are aloud to chuckle at that.

  • If you replace “I forgave you for” with “Eff you for” this letter starts to make perfect sense. It’s really just a giant eff you message for bringing about consequences to his highness the cheater.

    How dare you? He is stumped, hurt, disoriented…..chumps aren’t supposed to do that. It’s like the refrigerator suddenly walking out of your kitchen because you kicked the door shut one too many times instead of closing it gently. This stuff is not supposed to happen. How dare you judge his lack of character and leave him? Whatever got into you, is pure madness and the fuckwit is so grand…he shouts eff you….er…..forgives you. #imagemanagement

  • If I weren’t such a fan of No Contact, I’d suggest something snarky like: I forgive myself for not forgiving you. Fuck off.

    But, hopefully, you are reminded that you are dodging a bullet by unloading this douchebag. The gaslighting in this note is off the charts. Takes a special kind of stupid and narcissism to write this diatribe!

  • Contestant, “Alex, I’ll take Sadz for $200”

    Alex reads the question, “cheater mindfucks by gaslighting that spouse is to blame,’

    Contestant “What is ‘Victim mode?”

    Alex 👏

  • “You judging my abusive actions is far worse than me committing them.”

    THIS – That is when I got the rage. And more abuse. How DARE I tell him his behavior is wrong???!!!

    That’s when I decided nothing I could say or do would make one bit of positive difference to our relationship, our marriage, my sanity. I shut up at that point, refused to engage, got my ducks in a row and walked.

  • The words “you’re so judgmental” and “stop judging me” still ring in my ears. It was always ponied up as an excuse on why lying to me was necessary. Along with “nothing I ever do is good enough for you, you’re unpleasable.”

    My teenage son has now picked up this line when asked when asked about schoolwork not turned in. “I didn’t want to tell you because you’ll just be upset.” Yeah, duh. Part of me wishes there was a way to get through to him that concealing the truth is just as hurtful as lying. Part of me knows thinking I can change his character is total chumpdom and folly.

    • The calling card of the passive-aggressive cheater coward: “nothing I ever do is good enough for you, you’re unpleasable.”

      Teenagers? Of COURSE they say that. (You’re trying to raise them to raise their OWN standards, I get that. I raised a set of rolly-eyed teen boys myself–HAH!) But by they time they marry and have a family?

      “Nothing I ever do is good enough for you, you’re unpleasable” means–what it means is–“I don’t want to try to please you because your wants/needs are not important to me.” That’s all it means.

      I heard the same thing from my coward ex. Everything had to be on HIS terms to satisfy HIS wants and needs, and if I so much as had an opinion, well, there was the stomping of feet and gnashing of teeth–and I was “never happy.”

      I can pretty much guarantee, based on my own experience, that you spent more than a fair bit of time praising him for the smallest of efforts. You kissed plenty of ass to build him up–you baked plenty of batches of bitch cookies. I did, too. And they resent it, because they know the truth of how little they care about you.

      Why didn’t YOU cheat, then, huh? Why did HE cheat? If he was so abused, why didn’t he just call it, get a divorce, work on his abused ego, and THEN start dating?

      Because he’s a coward, that’s why. And like all cowards, they blame others for their actions.

      • “I can pretty much guarantee, based on my own experience, that you spent more than a fair bit of time praising him for the smallest of efforts. You kissed plenty of ass to build him up–you baked plenty of batches of bitch cookies.”

        Yes I did Stephanie, why yes I did.

        Goshdarnit – I do the same to my son.

        • Wellll, it’s one thing to mother your son, and quite another to have to mother your husband. Again, I know. It’s not romantic. I bet you’re a great mom. Your husband (ex) is a petulant man-baby. Ask me how I know

        • So wait – by constantly handing out bitch cookies I’m actually too easy to please? This might be a breakthrough for me.

  • This was just a word-salady way for him to send you a laundry list of things he thinks you did wrong. Sheesh, some of them at least TRY to hide their disdain, he couldn’t even use one layer of veneer in this one. -_- I love picking these apart.

    “I forgave you for contributing to the end of our marriage.”

    I’m mad because you actually divorced me.

    “I forgave you for condemnation in seeing me as inferior (because of my sins) and for telling me that I was not worth contributing to solutions for our marriage because I was the guilty one.”

    I’m royally pissed because you accused me of something I actually did and my actions changed your opinion of me.

    “I forgave you for judging me and seeing the efforts (as little as they might be) that I was doing as a way of amending our marriage as nothing.”

    I am irate because I did less than the bare minimum and it didn’t get you to shut up and comply again.

    “I forgave you for telling me that I lacked commitment in our marriage regardless of what I did or contributed to building our marriage and future.”

    How DARE you tell me cheating isn’t commitment!!!

    “I forgave you for trying to change me according to what you thought was good in your eyes.”

    I am still absolutely seething with fury that you tried to tell me to STOP cheating.

    “I forgave you for failing to see the emotional, mental anguish I was going through (although you claim to know me more than anyone) regardless of my attempts to pretend all was well.”

    I am so, so, so peeved that you actually CAUGHT ME.

    “I forgave you for failing to understand the kind of person I am because I believe you had blinkers on the kind of person I was supposed to be in your eyes.”

    What part of “I am a cheater and should be allowed to fuck around on you without consequence” did you not get???

    “I forgave you because I have come to understand that forgiving you is not for your benefit but it is for my benefit and allows me to see beyond the hurt.”

    If I keep 100% total focus on me and myself and MY wants (because let’s face it, cheating isn’t a need, it’s a want) I can see past the hurt. No, not my hurt, yours. This narcissistic focus on myself helps me ignore your pain.

    “Yes, I have hurt you, I have stomped on your heart, I have abused you, I have lied to you, etc but I was also hurt.”

    Abuse is okay as long as you did something wrong too. …I’ll get to those things you did in a minute. I can’t think of any right now but once I do I SWEAR YOU’RE IN FOR IT!

    • Your clever rephrasings make me wonder what prompted the letter in the first place?

      –a lawyer told him not to contact you unless it was to apologize or make nice
      –a therapist told him he should demonstrate his forgiveness so he could move on
      –a love interest told him she would admire him even more if he forgave his EX
      –a clergy person told him he needed to make amends in order to be worthy of God

      Regardless, I don’t think he understood the task! But I am sure he has bragged about his generosity of spirit to anyone who can bear to listen to him.

  • Here is the heart of it for me, in your own letter: “Mr. Sparkles cheated repeatedly and blames me for the separation and divorce…”

    You need go no further. This is a case of DARVO, as CL points out: DENY, ATTACK and REVERSE VICTIM and OFFENDER.

    It’s a classic manipulation. He wounds you, but it’s your fault for noticing it, bringing it up. being angry at him, and levying consequences.

    • I agree. Especially the last part of it when he says he abused you, but then follows it up with a bunch of qualifiers about what he thinks you did wrong. This is absolutely classic DARVO. Abusers don’t do anything they don’t think is morally correct. The fact is he thinks what he did is not only acceptable, but right and deserved. His values are fucked and this letter was him giving you a list of criticisms poorly-disguised as “forgiveness.”

      Deny, Attack, Reverse-Victim-Offender.

  • Ugh, what a piece of work! Glad you’re rid of this asshole. Good for you! Stay mighty with no response.

    This is something my ex could have written, where, in the land of false equivalencies, his “belief” that I cheated on him with my ex boss (did not happen) was the same as his actual cheating on me. I truly believe these people are deranged, broken shells of humans.

  • I’ve been completely NC with my ex for a year (once the financials were sorted after the divorce was finalized)—largely to save myself from these kinds of IEDs disguised as “communication.“ But of course then I fill in the silence with speculation: Will he find some crafty way to get through to me (I’ve blocked him on email and text)? When will that happen? What will he say, and how should I respond?

    In terms of the when, all my friends say to watch out for 18 months after the divorce, which will be next spring. Knowing my ex, however, I don’t think he’ll try it, even if his relationship with the OW is kaput by then (odds are good) and he’s alone and a hot mess. He’ll just move on to his next victim to try to get fresh supply; he won’t come back to me for it. Because he’s a covert narc, very awkward socially and emotionally withholding, he’ll never risk communicating with me if he thinks he has no chance of a forgiving/friendly reception. (Of course, let’s face it, he’d be happy with an angry reception, too, as any emotional energy is good supply for a narcissist, and it would bolster his just-so-story about what a terrible bitch I was and how he simply had to exit-affair our marriage and abandon me to save himself from permanent unhappiness….) But still, I don’t think he’ll chance contact if he truly believes there’s *no* chance of a positive reception, which the NC should tell him is pretty likely. Much more likely I get some kind of sad sausage letter in 30-40 years when he’s old and sick and alone.

    In terms of what he will say in that letter and how I should respond: I’ve gone over all that 1,000 times, and the conclusion I’ve arrived at after all those model runs is that I should never read a letter from him or talk to him, ever, b/c the only reason he will ever get in contact with me again is to hurt me. It made me really sad to realize this about the man I loved more than anyone in the world for 20 years. But the other day it dawned on me that in all the thousands of comments I’ve read on this blog and elsewhere, I have never once read one that says, “You know, my cheater got into treatment/found God/evolved and committed themselves to restorative justice, and now we’re good friends and have a healthy relationship.” Not. A. Single. One. It was then I realized that continuing to think of my ex as a normal human being with normal emotions is both wrong and dangerous. Reading letters like the one submitted by ForgivenChump cements that truth—also, other “apology” letters from narcissists, which make it clear that no matter how many years pass and no matter how many consequences accumulate from their abusive behavior, they still blame everyone else for their problems, and if they’re ever truly sorry, it’s only for themselves.

    A person like that will never send me any communication that’s not a bomb. A person like that has nothing I need or want. It’s shocking and sad to realize that about the man I loved more than anyone in the world and would have stuck by until he died. But it’s the truth, and as my therapist was fond of reminding me, the truth will set me free in the end.

    • Okupin, yeah, I agree with you. It’s sad after so many years, but any communication will probably only hurt.

      Mine, too, is a covert narc and would probably not risk communicating with me for fear of an unfriendly response. He’s timid and a coward.

      I used to think it was funny to tell people how he proposed to me. Instead of asking me to marry him, he floated this balloon: “What would you say if I asked you to marry me?” I wish my 23-year-old self had had the good sense to answer, “I don’t know. Why don’t you ask me?” It doesn’t seem so funny now. Just another ignored red flag.

      Sometimes I wonder what I’ll do if there’s a funeral or wedding in the future. I couldn’t bear to see him, especially if he’s with the OW. I would be inclined to protect myself by avoiding any event that involves seeing him at all. Maybe when I’m at meh, I’ll feel differently.

      • Yeah, I’ve been thankful for the pandemic in that one way: his grandmother passed away (not from COVID), and ordinarily I would have gone to the funeral b/c she was a wonderful woman, and I would have wanted to pay my respects to the family. But since gatherings are still being limited, it was immediate family only for the viewing and internment. So, I got to just send flowers and dodge the bullet of having to see him and him using the occasion to hold me hostage and say something horrible…

  • Congrats on being mighty and cutting that asshat loose! I hope you reach meh soon if you aren’t already there! It’s been some years since my dday & splitting from my ex but it is still astounding the crap that Comes out of these cheaters mouths!

    There is a radio station in the state that I live that will act like a florist and call your signifigant other if you think they are cheating. The radio station has you quietly on the line and offers free flowers to your cheater that can be sent to anyone they want. They have you wait to see what they want written on the card before telling cheater you are on the line. I wish I could say these are all fake but the pain & anguish I have heard for some of these folks is so awful & I know I have been there. This morning’s was another awful one-the husband got busted for cheating and he was going all kinds of crazy-refusing to answer questions, threatening to sue, yelling at the wife for putting their business on the radio….but the topper was when the cheater told the radio host that he was sorry for his wife’s behavior?! WTH?! I wanted to throw-up. I wish I did know that woman……I would get her on CL ASAP!

    • I HATE that show. I know it also. My ex used to listen to and laugh. He said how could anyone be so stupid………………..Famous last words, when I caught him hiding on his phone, with a “friend.”

  • At some point every cheater will play the; “Don’t you dare JUDGE me, Judgy Wudgy!” card.
    Like they didn’t judge us and find us wanting as a pretext for cheating. We, on the other hand, are not allowed to judge them and find them wanting as a pretext for divorce.

    They are very special so their own alleged standards don’t apply to themselves. They can judge all they like, but that’s, like, different. Because fabulousness. If only we could just understand how exceptional, delicate and noble they are. We don’t recognize that their cheating hurt them too😭. Terribly! It hurt so much they just couldn’t stop doing it. Still, they are good enough to forgive us for being so unfeeling and they want to be friends. But we’re meany heads with sour faces who won’t even be fuckbuddies with our ex (so they can cheat on our replacement, natch.) No wonder they had to cheat.

    Meany head until the day I die, cheaters. Suck on it.

    • OHFFS,

      And they don’t just deploy it against the Chump. Ex-Mrs LFTT hit our 3 children (18, 16 and 11 at the time) with the “you don’t get to judge me” gambit when she announced that she was in a “very happy relationship with her AP” and that “she had a right to be happy” whilst simultaneously denying having had an affair with said AP. This went down only 4 months after she walked out on the 3 kids and I. As you say, Cheaters are so very special that different rules apply to them.

      Oddly enough, the kids weren’t buying the line of BS that she was selling; they judged the ever loving sh*t out of her and her AP and Ex-Mrs LFTT hated it. They are now 24, 21 and 17 and the eldest two have very little to do with their mother. The youngest has as little to do with her as she can do, and is counting off the days until her 18th birthday.

      LFTT

        • S@35,

          All three of them are bright and have well oriented moral compasses too. I have them to thank for finding out that she was cheating in the 1st place.

          Ex-Mrs LTFF had her iPhone synched with an iPad they used. They saw a whole load of texts between her and AP which made it more than clear what they were up to. The kids were smart enough to take screen shots and honest enough to then tell me what was happening.

          I love them very much.

          LFTT

          • Great kids on your side! You win!

            Hope everyone’s doing ok. It must have been tough for them to see those texts.

            My three adult kids are also in my camp. For that I am so incredibly grateful.

            My ex always accused me of spending too much time with them. I was just parenting and showing love. He was always so critical, moody, and invalidating. We walked on eggshells.

            CL is right that the kids know who the sane parent is. They have well-tuned BS meters.

            • S@35,

              Criticised for spending time with them; check. Cheater was critical, moody and invalidating; check. Forcing everyone to walk on eggshells; check. Cheaters really are just a bunch of unimaginative walking clichés aren’t they?

              The kids and I are in a much better place now. It’s been a long hard journey, but the four of us are a strong and cohesive little unit; much stronger (and much happier) now that Ex-Mrs LFTT is pretty much out of the picture.

              As for the texts, I don’t underestimate how hard it would have been for them; I’m glad that they trusted me to deal with it.

        • OHFFS,

          On the basis of the the evidence since D-Day (5 1/2 years ago), Ex-Mrs LFTT is as thick as a bucket of freshly poured pigsh*t.

          Thankfully, the kids do not take after her.

          LFTT

  • Forgiven. Hiya! Good to hear from ya.
    Your wannabe Giggilo (I probably misspelled that) has obviously targeted one of your Huge Character Assets (forgiveness) in an attempt for A response. Any response. Craving engagement.
    Starve. The. Prick. 🤘Cheaters love the sound of a solitary cricket 🦗 It’s their eternal payback for having worn a mask. (Cue Jim Carrie: “Allrighteethen!!!”

    Alcoholics use DARVO on a daily. Btw. It always kept me ‘one step removed “ from owning my shit.

    I’ve never received closure from XW trading(s) me in for a slightly younger younger model(s). That was September 2017.
    I did get a text like 6 moon cycles later…”I done you wrong will you take me back”. This was immediately after a two hour Tae Kwan Do class I’d enrolled in at 57. Belly laugh 😆 I’d been sparring with a 38 year old hottie and her boys. So yeah there’s that. 😂🇺🇸

    Direction and guidance from my higher power (that absolutely abhors infidelity adultery) comes through other healthy-and sometimes not so healthy people. Everything I needed in hindsight was provided and the path suddenly was under foot 🦶

    Keep your Killswitch Engaged ( pun,..great band)
    Remember Silence is Torture and Glory in that shit sister ❤️

    You Rock.

  • Oh the joys of narcissism! This guy is a real gem.

    My ex abandoned me, but if he were to write to me, it would sound like this letter. Mine was so misunderstood. He just NEEDED kinky sex with hookers. I am so judgmental of his lifestyle! How lame. He HAD to bully young women at work. Why couldn’t I just see that he has a NEED for power and control? He lost his job because he was persecuted. Poor baby! I won’t pay for his legal fees that he racked up trying to save his job. I’m so stingy! We broke up because I was so immature that I couldn’t handle being the side dish wife while he fucked his girlfriend (and a cast of 1,000s on top of that). Gee, I guess I’m an idiot for expecting respect and care. My bad! I expect child support? What? Horrible, horrible bitch. I’m taking away the cocktail and hooker fund. I’m sorry for expecting healthy food and clothes for our daughter. Next week we’ll go without food to save money so your fancy girlfriend can have her designer clothes. He is really mad that I spend all of our time raising our daughter. How come he doesn’t get time to run around and take her places? I am keeping him from parenting and his lawyer has labeled this parental alienation. It sounds serious…maybe I’ll go to jail? I am also such a cow because I hired a lawyer. He expected to settle amicably, but NO! I surreptitiously hired a lawyer to try and punish him. How hideous is that? All he does is try to be a wonderful guy, but I am just a selfish, immature, sad, old woman who will never understand him and his needs. Maybe one day he’ll see it in his heart to forgive me.

  • Narcissists HAAAAAAAAAATE that you know the truth. He’s trying to shrug his shittiness off of him and onto you. That’s where you step over it and walk away.

    No reply–silence–is the most powerful reply here. Fact is, you’re done.

    It’s so good to have perspective. (And he hates that you do.)

  • “I forgave you for…” = (angry) “Fuck you for…”
    Read it that way and the sentiment behind this vile missive shines through. He aims to hurt more.
    Ignore.

  • MY cheater also wanted me to accept “at LEAST 50% of the blame” for the destruction of our marriage. 7 years with the AP (along with women he met on Craig’s list, Ashley Madison, and various hookers), an HPV diagnosis, and years of gaslighting. Never mind we had plenty of sex. Hey, I wouldn’t take it up the butt!! And THAT, my friends, is equivalent to destroying a family of almost 30 years.

    The personal mental gymnastics he went through to keep his high opinion of himself must have been Olympic level.

    Stay NC. Don’t take the bait, because that is what it is: BAIT.

    “You judging my abusive actions is far worse than me committing them.” THAT is GOLD, and absolutely in the playbook of the narcissist.

    • Yep. One of the consequences of no fault divorce laws that lead to 50% property settlements and 50% child custody agreements is that jackasses seem to thing 50% of the blame for cheating, lying, stealing, abusing, and general dishonesty is also supposed to be shared.

      Nope.

  • This is one of the cheater letters where you are not sure if you need to laugh or vomit. Or both.
    They are truly something else. My therapist often told me that cheaters apply paralogic. Meaning they apply a sentence structure that appears logical, but then when looked at closer does not actually include any logic at all.

    So, how do you actually handle this? Not engaging is the best way. The further you stay away, the more you actually realize that they are manipulative. And abusive.

    You do not have to forgive them. I have no clue why they would even bring up forgiving you for anything. You did not cheat. Their logic makes no sense.

    https://notmymonkeys.net/blog/oh-good-they-are-happy

    • Ooh! Paralogic! I ever heard that word before, but now I know I needed it. Thanks for today’s vocabulary builder!

  • In my opinion they don’t really expect forgiveness. They don’t really believe they did anything wrong. They just don’t want consequences. They want more cake. Both of my Ex’s were such narcissists, they could not admit defeat. They could discard, but not be discarded. They were confident they could charm me into taking then back. Since they were never satisfied, they could not understand the concept of being done. They never sincerely apologize either, because they believe every “wrong” thing they did was caused by something I did.

    I truly believe I tolerated this behavior because it was familiar to me. My father raised me in this type of environment. It took a lot of work and self acceptance to overcome this early programing. Now I know I do not deserve this type of behavior, and I have zero tolerance for it. It is amazing how much better I feel, and how much happier I am.

    No Contact and time are amazing healers. Any time contact is attempted, ignore it. There is nothing to be gained by wasting your time listening to this drivel.

    • “…[T]hey don’t really expect forgiveness. They don’t really believe they did anything wrong. They just don’t want consequences.” Exactly! Mine won’t even call the fall-out “consequences.” He prefers “punishment,” which makes him the victim. We are meanies! He just fell in love. What could be so wrong in that?

      By the way, I, too, am working through some serious early programming.

  • Forgivenchump, I have found that narcissist yell the loudest, the more they become irrelevant to you. The BS, anger, pity etc channels increase, when your reactions decrease. Thank god they are lazy and need attention to survive because it makes them move on eventually.

  • I must say, one good thing about being chumped is that you get to see, with crystal clear vision, how hilariously STUPID cheaters sound when they try and come up with a laundry list of bad stuff the chump did, in order to let themselves off the hook. You get the gift of seeing through bullshit – a life skill unlocked. I used to find the all-you-can-eat buffet of word salad to very hurtful and concerning but now I find it hilarious. The funniest thing is that the cheaters are all the same. They’re all completely losing their minds because they’ve discovered there are consequences for their lying and cheating… and they all sound exactly the same. Mine literally said to me earlier this year “YOU are the bad guy” and then listed a bunch of stuff I’d supposedly done wrong prior to and since D-Day two years ago. I mean….. embarking on a year-long secret affair before D-Day and humiliating me sexually and then fighting me in Court with the woman at his side was all just irrelevant compared to my numerous transgressions… which he took two years to come up with….. ahhhhh well. I think it’s sad but amusing that they have such a hard time dealing with the fallout…… they thought their life was going to be freakin peachy and it’s just….. not. Still, pass the popcorn, I love the UBT.

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