UBT: “I Would Like to Have a Final Conversation”

WordCount indicates 213 words of typical fuckwit bullshit before finally divulging her true purpose: “. . . I have some things I would like to say before you only hear about me from other people.”

Sorry to tell you, this isn’t stopping any time soon, especially if you have kids. She will push and push at centrality, and frame your avoidance as immaturity, bitterness, anger, etc.

Not a thing will be gained by having the supposed final-clearing-of-the-air. You know who and what you’re dealing with — why subject yourself to any more of it than you absolutely have to?

All the nopes. Also don’t need a final bite this morning of the bad seafood salad I ate last night to have closure on the last nine nonstop hours of gastric distress. That’s not how it works. You get over the bad seafood salad by staying away from the bad seafood salad.

Your STBX is the worst seafood salad in the history of all the Red Lobsters in Oklahoma.

My STBX wanted to have a face-to-face because I “deserved to know everything.” The credit card statements, bank financials, phone records, and the OW’s social media told me all I needed to know. I wasn’t going to let him dictate the narrative, so I declined the offer and went No Contact. A few months later, we had to meet to sign some financials—it was a total emotional ambush. Very, very ugly. Once again, trying to dictate the process. Soon after, my counsel sent him a nicely worded “back off” letter stating that any future meetings would take place in his office. He also included a list of his going rates, noting I wasn’t going to be the one who was billed.
There’s nothing to be said that brings closure to anything in a divorce. Don’t fall for this. This is what counsel is for.

My stbx is exactly the same way.

I call it, “The Kumbaya/Image Control” tactic.

The other day my stbx was over to pick our daughter up. As she was gathering her stuff-my stbx was talking to one of my neighbors (he doesn’t really know them because I was the one that moved out of our old house. The neighbor and I were chatting a few days later and he said, “You’re ex came up to me and told me he’s ‘not a bad guy.’”

My neighbor told him that he and I don’t ever talk about him.

Must be exhausting trying to keep your image squeaky clean….

This so read like, “I woke up in the middle of the night as you do with all the zingers that I had wanted last time we talked and I’m going to bring the conversation around to each and every one of your concerns or accusations RS and then tell you the comebacks that I thought of”. Because last word. That paragraph about meeting to avoid meeting is some of the most laughable word salad I have read in a long time. Do not give her the satisfaction. She’ll just use it to mindfuck you and like people to further her narrative. She obviously feels you for one up on her last time or she wouldn’t feel the need did it, or she is low on kibbles in her current life. Either way, don’t serve yourself up as a victim on a platter. Starve the Narc.

“Let’s have a conversation about not ever having a conversation again”

What is she on about lol?

You mentioned that she was the one who left, so it’s hard to understand what more does she want. Probably to remind you how it’s also your fault your marriage ended so she can fulfil her narrative of “we grew apart” or whatever else she thinks happened, and it has nothing to do with her cheating. Stay away. I don’t see a single situation in which you could regret this.

At least she’s not trying to be your friend. My ex tries the friend thing, and he says he doesn’t see a reason why exes can’t stay friends, and I’m baffled. Yes, in some situations where a relationship has run its course or when someone leaves you with your dignity intact, you can maybe eventually be friends. But after cheating? I wouldn’t even know where to begin to build a friendship with someone who hurt me that way.

Closure is one of those things that people want, or think they want, but seldom get.. The unsatisfying reason most fuckwits do what they do is because they can.

I was an English major as an undergrad, and closure works, sometimes, in literature, drama, movies etc. The Psych unit may search for closure in some mental health cases, Cops may want additional information from serial killers to offer closure to some victims families. But, overall, closure rarely seems to work in real life, IMHO. If you are a chump, you do not think like a cheater. If you are committed to a certain religion, you may not understand others. If you are very liberal, you don’t understand very conservative, and visa versa. If you have Western influenced Judeo-Christian values, you may not see things from Eastern philosophies perspective.

I often dine alone, usually with a book, but sometimes I cannot help but overhear other conversations. Yesterday I sat near a couple who seemed determined to ask for extra servings of items that were accessories on the menu, or were not on the menu, and extra services from the waitress, one item at a time. Back in my waitressing days, those customers rarely leave a tip, or it is so small, you hardly notice. They look for something to complain to the manager about. The DEMAND attention. Everyone around them cannot help but notice. They never say thank you. If other customers have vivid imaginations, like mine, they long for some kind of closure to deal justice to these people, but you rarely see it. They are oblivious, selfish, entitled and their conversation usually involves complaints about other people who are not present. There is no closure which will ever occur to these folks, they don’t think they are doing anything wrong.

The best you can hope for is not to have to sit next to them again. Same way with Ex’s, avoid them if possible. Don’t seek closure when you already know how the story will end. You had to learn, the hard way, about the (lack of) character in your ex. Now that you know, don’t expose yourself to another opportunity for pain.

Dear RS,
Don’t take the bait. Gray rock is the way to go, with help from an attorney if necessary. Closure, an apology after an epiphany on the part of a narcissist is NEVER going to happen. Ever.
It was pointless to heed a therapist’s advice when I was a teenager to “share my feelings” with my father regarding his abandonment. This was the same therapist my parents used for couples counseling as well as family therapy (lots of income to pay for his Corvette, Jaguar and Italian loafers )Therapist didn’t have a grasp on NPD and abuse. I received a non apology apology. “I’m sorry you feel that way. I’m not responsible for your feelings.” You see how that works ? Like playing handball against curtains.
I laugh when his flying monkeys send me emails and letters. A private investigator contacted me on Harlow’s behalf (I call my father this as a nod to the real monkey/wire monkey experiment) and sent a follow up letter.The private investigator only met his own father a few times and wrote that I would regret not sorting things out with Harlow. Nothing to sort out with a cheating abuser who ignored and then abandoned his children.
Harlow’s current wife (#3 !) sent an email to family members claiming I “unleashed an unbelievable vitriolic tirade” about Harlow ???? Poor woman can’t stand that I cut them off years ago.
Closure schmosure

Hi RS:

Why give her another whack at the pinata? She’s hoping that if she hits you hard enough, some really good candy (kibbles) will fall out. Starve her.

To add to the candy analogy, Forest Gump said life is a lot like a box of chocolates: you never know what you are going to get. But with FWs, life is more like a box of milk duds: you always know what you are going to get.