Stay in Touch

Check out CL's Book

When They Won’t Leave

There is no hell like the hell of in-house separation. You’ve been a good spouse appliance. Why should those perks end? What’s for dinner?

I know many of you have had the sort of cheater who flounces off after the Schoompie(s) and just goes. But others of us get the hardcore cake enthusiasts.

The sort of narcissistic freaks who plant their flag and have to be ousted. Who lay on your sofas like bad roommates, eat your groceries, and go on dates while you watch the kids.

It’s a kind of gaslighting really. They are shocked, just shocked at your hostility and divorce summons. Get back into your chump corner. Your reality is that it’s over. Their reality is that consequences suck and your sofa is really, really comfy.

So, today’s Friday Challenge is to share your GTFO stories. Did you remove them with a crowbar? Did you have to fog the house for fleas? Do you have strategies for surviving in-house separation? Tips for the newbies? Solidarity on the gobsmacking gall of cake eaters?

TGIF!

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • “Get out or I’ll put a FB post up detailing every disgusting abusive thing you ever did.”

    Woooosh! He booked so fast he left a breeze in his wake.

    My advice on IHS? Don’t do it if you can possibly avoid it. If you can’t avoid it, do whatever you can to speed up the cheater’s departure, but do not let them have possession of the family home unless they are dangerous and you need to run to safety. You’ll never get it back from them, no matter what they promise you, and they’ll fight buying you out tooth and nail.

    IHS will seriously derail your healing. There is no way around that. Gray rock, in my experience, doesn’t help much in an IHS. Just seeing that punchable face every day will be enraging and depressing. I’m still far from where I should be just because that jerkwad stayed too long. Here’s how he sold it; “To save us both money by not getting my own place until we’re divorced. To help you out with the house, pets, and kids because you aren’t able to cope right now. I won’t be any trouble.” Yeah, you guessed it. He was trouble. Not because he was cheating, as that was over. He was still a whiny little narc bitch, though. It’s worth the money to get them out.

    • Aren’t they all just the same, we were taking it slow breaking up the family unit. Mainly at my expense, him stood there telling my daughter he was ‘recovering’ and was not going to be grumpy again now he was leaving me and all other sorts of hours I now can’t comprehend why I just stood there as listened to (probably because of the 8 year old in the room listening to it!).

      And it was all going to be lovely and by all accounts he was calling this house Family HQ 1 and he was going to Family HQ2 where I think I would be going round for dinner from time to time.

      It was totally abusvie that whole period but I was fact finding, wasn’t I just. One night he came back from travelling and I presented him with all the evidence.

      And guess what…. ‘I don’t need to listen to this……’ and he went as far as sleeping on the floor of the place he was buying rather than stay. That put a rocket up him. Good bloody riddance.

      So if you want them out just keep confronting them or threaten to public like OHFFS says here. They disappear like a rat up a drainpipe muttering about how awful and bitter you are.

      It was probably under 2 months max but it was living hell. He never comes across the threshold now. Never.

      • Nicely played, dudders. Yes, they melt like the Wicked Witch of the West when confronted with the indisputable truth about themselves. I just wish I had said “And never darken my door again!” in the dramatic manner of an old time stage actress. I’ve always wanted to do that.

        • It’s amazing how much they value their image. Public disclosures of their real nature scare the daylights out of them.

          Negotiations become very favorable when you threaten to expose them to everyone in your circle rather than hide or cover up for them.

          I used this to get a good settlement for myself. The tragic side of the story is that the house requires money for taxes and fuckwits really don’t care or want the responsibility-even if they act like they do. What they want is triangulation money to continue their double lives. Cutting that off really restricts there options.

    • I left my second husband after his attempt at murdering me failed, and I left the third because he was freaking DANGEROUS in too many ways to count. But the first was a cheater who slept with the neighbors, his boss, my boss, our boss, our co-workers, the nun who led our pre-Cana classes and my sister. When I caught him the second time (that I knew about), he swore up and down he’d learned his lesson and would never do it again. His sister took me aside and told me about ALL the other women he’d cheated with and my father (who didn’t think cheating was a big deal) told me to “watch your sister or she’ll sleep with him again.” AGAIN???????!!!!!!!!

      I went home and told him to get out, and when he allowed as how he didn’t think that was necessary, I told him to GTFO or I would tell his parents what he’d gotten up to. He didn’t think of that as much of a threat until I added, “and your sister will back me up.” With that, he turned an interesting shade of puce and was gone within the hour.

      • My first husband whom I married when I was 19 and pregnant also tried to fuck my (gay) sister! I told him to GTFO the day I found out. My sister rebuffed his advances, and I later found out he had molested my 11 year sister. Family-fucker cheaters are disgusting FREAKS!

      • What this requires of the Chump is giving up the fantasy of making “everyone” see how abusive the cheater is. But that’s a fantasy anyway. I’d rather have leverage than worry about what my in-laws or some random neighbor thinks.

  • Thankfully I did not live hard-core in house separation.
    But I did spend a weekend helping sparkledick to retrieve flatterfuck’s lost luggage thinking it was his “assistant”‘s (she actually went with him to Orlando….) and him getting angry with me because I was unsuccessful.

    • Ugh, I am so very sorry, ClearWaters, that you were put to this particular kind of abuse. I had similar experiences, being used to help Shmoopie—travel, gifts, “woman’s perspective,” etc—under the guise of helping him help a co-worker. Geez.

    • Grrrr! The disrespect gets me every time. The Liar asked me to pick out his clothes for a particular “work trip” on which it was “important I make a good impression.” He tried on several things for me to evaluate they still fit nicely, which tie? These shoes? He suggested that his flight was so early that he take a cab instead of driving him to the airport as was our normal routine. I was so confused when he got angry when I insisted I was happy to do it. He scowled and criticized my driving the entire ride. Of course, I later learned he and howorker#WhoCanCountThemAll planned to meet at baggage check and he was sweating her watching him kiss me goodbye. The manipulation and deception is beyond sickening. We’re still cohabitating but I am quietly curating my ducks like a MoMA pro.

      • Mine had me perform personal shopper duties, racing out during my lunch hour several days to buy several outfits for one particularly “important” work trip. (He has a much more flexible work schedule than me, but I had the “eye.”) Then after work, I’d rush home to pick the kids up at childcare and cook dinner.

        What selfish jerks they are. Good riddance.

    • The skank forgot it was market day in town on Thursday and left her car in the municipal car park overnight and, of course, it was towed. The twat no longer had a driving licence (too many DUIs) so he told the skank I would take her to retrieve her car. Yeah, of course I’m gonna do that (not)!

  • My first cheater husband, he got honest. He said, I know you love me and you’ll never leave me. And now you know I love you as much as I can love, and I’ll always cheat. He was so sure my chumpdom, and I know why, I put up with everything. So, I played him. I told him it was too humiliating to be married while he was cheating. But that nothing needed to change, just the marriage part. We’d get a divorce and continue on. I lied.

    • I lived in our basement for six months to be separated while he stayed upstairs our nice master bedroom with the jacuzzi tub. My lawyer wanted me to leave but how was I going to go live with my mother with three teens, two chihuahuas, and a cat?? I was terrified most of the time. He just kept on doing his thing with his ho-friend staying out if he wanted to and even going on a nice week long vacation with her (without telling anyone of course). Finally got him out of the house after six months. The master bed and bath were so nasty it took almost two weeks before they were clean enough for me to move back upstairs. He didn’t think I was serious and still doesn’t, telling people even after 18 months that we’re working it out and he’s moving back home. Oh no he’s not!!! I haven’t even been in the same room or talked to him in over a year and my life is so my better! Now if I can just get that divorce….!

    • “I lied” Love that! I changed the locks immediately once I found evidence, which while effective in my case, I can’t recommend to everyone since it’s illegal. But I had asked him to leave several months before when I only suspected he was cheating and he said he would not leave until he was ready, which might be months. Then he made no effort to find another place and I spackled over it. So on D-Day, when he could no longer deny it and he said he was going to look for an apartment that afternoon, but really was going to meet his new prostitute, I decided I’d rather deal with the police than with him. Of course he threatened non-stop for weeks to sue me, so I packed his things very nicely and told him I’d deliver them whenever and wherever he wanted. Spoiler alert, I lied. The poor thing actually had to find someone to pick up and deliver the boxes to him all by himself. So, clearly he is the victim here.

  • When he wouldn’t leave, I moved myself and our son out. I was lucky enough to be able to afford to do so. He took a full year to move out of the family home and left such a mess it took another year to get the house ready for sale. But I didn’t have to suffer through living with him.

  • I asked my Cheater to leave multiple times over a 7 year period. He responded with variations of “Where would I go?” and “It’s so hard” and “Maybe we should separate in the house” and “Time apart might be good for our relationship” and “You leave. I like it here.” This went on for s-e-v-e-n years. Until finally, I stopped asking. I told him to GTFO. He was surprised by my change in tone, and he turned on his charm channel, but I (finally) stuck to my guns. Good riddance. And now, 3 years later, there is not a day that goes by that I do not feel enormous gratitude that he is out of my life. 🙂

    • Thank the heavens! Seven years! You must be made of iron to stand it so long. I lost my mind within a month what with all the lying, flip-flopping, blameshifting ILYBINILWY, sadistically praising the AP and unfairly comparing her to me, on and on. I had a PTSD meltdown, was hospitalized, the whole bit. I admire your fortitude.

  • I have a hard-core cake enthusiast. I say “have” because 2 years into my divorce and 50% of his crap is still at the house and he was able to get access to the garage and mess it up. No default, liberal state. They plea jobless every 6 months and the sads to court. I know its a control thing. Took us 1 full year to argue custody. He wants 50/50 so I pay him child support. He constantly pawns off our young daughter to free creepy caregivers during his time. Having the sickos around does not help healing at all. I was able to get exclusive rights to the house. He can access garage ( can’t get into house even though attached). He leaves a mess, garbage around, dumps stuff in side yard attracting rats.

    What have I done. In my state its one thing at a time if you have a “sads” victim. With COVID, it moves slow. I feel in order to get them out you have to get exclusive rights to property through a court order if you plan on buying them out. I realize the most successful healing chumps were the ones who were able to leave free and clear. Be prepared to pay for all the expenses on your own. My house is worth it for my kiddo. I put alot of heart and soul in it, but the anxiety of them coming around can be super suffocating. I recommend that friend u can vent too to get through it and an excellent therapist(emdr). These type of losers are the worst on your mighty. The really knock u down when u are with them and its hard to get your voice during the divorce process with their fucking intimidation tactics. Good lawyers help with your focus and the plan. I know settlement will take a while too. Its hard to see the light and I almost gave up and in. These asswhips traumatize us. There is no shame in it. Emdr has helped me out of my hole of darkness. Make sure settlement is spelled out in much detail so there is absolutely no room for a different interpretation. For example, pay fuckwit x amount of dollars on date x, move out date is x, if not moved and stuff by this date stuff on curb for garbage. No kidding.

    I could pay for all the house expenses but my STBXH could not. So that helped with gaining exclusive rights. I also documented a whole calendar of when they were home and not. Most of the time not.

    Good luck, I know personally how hard it is to heal with those man children around, who refuse to support themselves, blame everyone for those woes, and want u to pay for them for the rest of your life.

    Big cyber hugs

    • Does your custody agreement include a first right of refusal for you, in the event he won’t be exercising his custody time? Also, regarding his access to the garage, send a certified letter (copy to the court) that you will be putting all his things out for pickup on X date at X time, and anything left will be donated. Good luck! <3

      • First right of refusal is tricky in my state. Courts do not enforce it. Its an “agreement” that both parties state in mediation and that’s it. I wanted a minimum of 2 hours, he wanted 4 and it was not worth it on how much he lies. We are still working out custody. Date is Tuesday. 🙏

        I asked my attorney about the latter, its all in the timing. We need a settlement conference first and then start that process. Custody and property settlement seem to be in different silos. We were supposed to have one in March, but got canceled due to COVID lockdown. Then Custody issues took precedence. Its a game of chess. When you are emotionally exhausted from everything it is hard to move.

    • Can you put up a big fence to keep him out …large not so happy dog …i think that may disuade him from visiting

  • I started to write my tale, but it was becoming a novella. Here is the abridged edition:

    He signed an agreement to remove his property from our marital home within 6 weeks in exchange for half its value. I paid him all but a few thousand dollars (on my lawyer’s advice, I held back a final payment). He kept asking for extensions. I gave him some. He asked for more. I refused. He pitched a fit.

    On the day of our key-exchange (he had enjoyed sole possession of our home for 6 weeks while he moved his stuff to our new house–the kids and I had left), he had removed his stuff from only 2 rooms of the house and taken some of the furniture. At least 95% of his stuff remained. He asked me to be patient because he was “almost done.”

    On the spot, I wrote an addition to our agreement saying I would move his stuff into the garage, and he would have 3 days to come get it at his convenience; if he didn’t, I would call a moving agency and subtract the cost from our settlement.

    He agreed and then claimed he was too ill to sign the document. He made an X in place of his name. I refused to accept it. He called our 10-year-old child over to where we were arguing and asked that kid to “sign for your dad.” I refused to allow it. My EX signed and drove off (he wasn’t ill at all).

    He never picked up his stuff. I had the moving men deliver it to him. He complained bitterly that things were broken or missing or stolen by me. Nothing was.

    The best thing about the story is that every time I think of it I am reminded of why leaving my marriage was such a terrific decision.

    • I literally had to fog my house for fleas….twice. He was bringing the fleas in from the c**ts house and infecting my pets and carpets!

  • After serving him the divorce papers at the Owhore’s house he lived in the basement until I bought him out of our home & legally he could stay until the home was entirely mine. 9 months of mental torture with him speaking to whore on speaker. They laughed at me, he spouted intimate sexual lies about me to her while I had to do the laundry in the other room hearing all this.
    It was just another horrible part of divorcing the narcissist that I had to deal with.
    Being financially strapped now, at least he’s gone from
    my life. The whore died 2 years after he moved into her house but he quickly moved into another woman’s house
    where he is today. Karma showed up 👍🏻

    • Great karma story. Bitch got her just desserts for torturing you like that. He, OTOH, IS his own just desserts. Imagine being him. Eeeewwww.

      • OHFFS
        Exactly how I feel. He also just had cancer surgery and open heart surgery last few months.
        He abandoned me after 35 years married and isn’t my problem anymore.
        What goes around comes around….
        good luck to you friend ☺️

        • My moron bought a beautiful townhouse on the water for us to retire in and downsize… and within weeks moved out left a bit of money in our account and 1 1/2 years later he is with hi hoho and decorating the love nest with marital money. When I’m done killing him with guilt all he will have left if a dumb whore who barely can speak English that idolizes him cause she sees a payday. But all will be in my name and I’ll be free of a control freak just in time to be happy, healthy and eager to meet a man worthy of me… all the narcissists will reap what they sow.

  • The Twat and the skank used to fight about every three weeks like kindergartners and he would come storming back to the house “because it’s still my house”. Those were the WORST times ever. Couple of days later the skank would start texting him and he’d move out again. I’ve written this before but one night when I came back from the theatre I found a frickin’ goldfish bowl on the table – and I just sat and cried. That was when I’d had enough so got someone in to change the locks and BOY did he go apeshit. Lawyer told me to give him a key and knowing that he was capable of smashing the windows to get in I did. I’ve never felt so desperate in all my life. When he’d “move back in” he was all smiley-faced and I’d sometimes find him drunk as a skunk but making dinner for me and my kids like we were still a family and nothing had happened! He also thought he could sleep with me because “I’ve got rights you know” but I told him his rights stopped where mine started. Another time he tried to get into bed with me because “he was cold” (yeah, he was that level of stupid). I told him where to shove it – and it was nowhere near me. I don’t really have a solution except to say that I pushed through that divorce and even after the divorce he would come and go as he pleased because my financing hadn’t gone through to buy him out. When it was finally all done, I was “playing nice” and saw his keys on the table and “accidentally” picked them up and took all my keys off him. And the jerkoff was so stunned and started to cry because he thought we could still be friends and what if I needed him in an emergency sometime. Funny how I haven’t hard any emergencies since I got rid of him. Good luck though to anyone going through this, I admit it’s hell!

    • He said he could leave his mistress’s house and come back to the marital home and still sleep with you because “I’ve got rights you know?”

      WHAT THE FUCK.

      See I ate a lot of shit sandwiches during the last few years of my marriage, but I would absolutely have caught a charge over this. This would drive me to felonious assault at the very least. MFer is thinking he’s going to live like it’s 1952. 😂. Naw.

  • This situation is its on special hell on earth.

    Even after I filed and pressed the issue, my ex lurked in the house and evaded dealing with it (would leave the house early or coming in late, claim ability to find a suitable place, etc.) all the while helping himself to a cup of coffee or leftovers he fancied including graduating daughters celebratory ice cream cake. His complaints that the guest room he was using hadn’t been cleaned or his laundry done was the final straw!

    I told him that if he didn’t sit down with me to tell the children about the divorce and move out that weekend that I was going to tell his affair partner’s husband as well as his business partners what he had been up to with a married employee. I even threatened to put up a billboard outside his business detailing his exploits if he didn’t GTFO.

    He did leave – proclaiming all the way about how unfairly he was being treated.

    It wasn’t until he left, that I truly realized how crazy- making just having him around was.

    My heart rate and blood pressure went back to normal
    I didn’t have to feel like I was on guard every second in my own home.
    I was able to sleep for the first time in months
    Calmness descended and healing began

  • My cheater didn’t want a divorce and continued to play dumb and deny everything. I moved into the spare bedroom and made myself scarce on the weekends.

    I did all of my running after work so I was busy most evenings and my teens (not his) just hung out in their rooms.

    His phony smile and playing dumb was bad enough but the day i got home from a friend’s and he demanded to know if I was cheating on HIM i knew I couldn’t do this anymore.

    I called a real estate agent, made an offer on a house 2 days later (i didn’t want his) and gave my lawyer a deposit. I’d already spoken to the lawyer and he knew both of the judges in my county that deal with divorce. Since we had no kids together the judges don’t care.

    We made him a decent offer and he was so terrified I’d tell people that he was a piece of shit he signed it, then I just had to make myself scarce for a month until my house closed.

    I took a few days off work and moved out while he was at work.

    I was fortunate that I’m a high earner and had some money from my dad’s passing.

    I agree that threatening to expose is the way to go.

    • This is a shining example of how, with a bit of independent money, it is easier to deal with these sorts of scenarios. Obviously money isn’t the fix for everything, but my mum – very happily married to my dad till death did them part – was always very clear with me that maintaining one’s own income stream, even if not a vast amount (bear in mind she was older generation, very often women didn’t work after marriage / kids and were thus generally financially trapped) is essential for one’s peace of mind. At no time did she hide her money, nor remotely consider leaving my dad – who was wonderful – but she’d witnessed her own parents horrendous divorce, and her own mother get left with pretty much nothing and made certain it couldn’t happen to her OR me. She arranged her financial affairs so that on her death (I would pay literally any sum to have her back for even 20 minutes, I miss her terribly) her estate was left explicitly for the benefit of me and my children. She absolutely adored my husband, took his side in any argument, was delighted when we married (still happily!) and in no way distrusted him, but even still… my financial security / peace of mind / running away money was not negotiable!

      It’s a big thing to know, for sure, that financially you’ll be fine, no matter what. You might not be wealthy, you might even be stretched and on a tight budget, but you always have options. I’ve seen several different people who are in the position of having very few options and that’s unpleasant.

      • I couldn’t agree more. I was able to leave without excessive financial pain because a great aunt left me money when I was 14. In my mid-40s it had grown enough that I was able to buy my EX out of his 50% of the house when I needed to leave the marriage. I don’t care for the house, but I didn’t want to disrupt my kids any more than I had to.

        I think my aunt would have been pleased that her money bought me my freedom–she had always enjoyed her own. (I was still in debt for a couple years after the divorce, but it was manageable debt. Without that nest egg of an inheritance, I might have remained trapped by the ever-accruing debts and financial irresponsibility of my EX. Since I had never touched my money from the inheritance during the years of our marriage, it was not considered community property, and I was able to use it for my divorce.)

  • I also asked my x to leave. In fact I believe I may have even begged him to. He traveled so much for “work” he was rarely home anyways. Finally, after a year and a half of asking him to leave. I packed his car as full as I could get it, changed the locks on the house. Now understand, this is probably not legal since his name was still on the house. But I was doing very badly emotionally and couldn’t take his bullshit anymore. I also threatened to expose him to people, ( which I eventually ended up doing ). Then 1 year after the divorce was finalized I took the rest of his stuff to a storage facility and mailed him the key. I paid the first month’s rent. I too, got tons of excuses. But once the divorce became final I was hard core no contact anyway. It’s a game. A sick game. One I got tired of playing. Don’t do it.

  • 10 months of hell, from the moment I said “enough” until the day she moved out under the recommendation of the guardian ad litem’s report to the judge.

    My instincts for gray rock were already in place, though immature, like a little bud just starting to form. In-house separation provided the sun, water, and fertilizer that made it bloom.

    The sun was the realization that I finally knew EXACTLY who and what I was dealing with. No more fog of trying to untangle the skein of fuckedupedness, pick-me dancing, wanting fairness and justice, or hoping for some indication that she was the person she’d pretended to be for 20 years. Once that sun came, out the

    The water was the support I got from family and friends when I let them know what was happening. I don’t mean everybody — some mutual acquaintances moved to Switzerland and some relatives insisted I eat a bit more shit “for the sake of the children.” But those who mattered to me most — and those I came to meet though the Northeast Mighty Chumps meetups — kept me nourished through their understanding and support throughout the 10 months and beyond.

    The fertilizer was her decaying behavior in the immediate and long-term aftermath (though she would call it ‘no longer being controlled’). Leaving for her “nights out with friends” while my daughters and I sat at the dinner table. Insinuating that I should be prepared for her to get majority custody “because I’m the mom” but that she’s be “willing” to work with me on a more equitable arrangement. Looking me squarely in the eye after the realized her threats were getting her nowhere, and saying: “You’re a sad, patheric excuse for a human being, and I hope … you die … ALONE.”

    I wouldn’t wish it on anybody, but in-house separation did more for getting me to meh than anything else.

    • Beautiful metaphors. I went through much the same thing, though my SBTX is too cowardly to say those words to my face. (It’s all passive aggression with her.) And I was the one to move out, since I don’t have the funds to buy her out of the house and couldn’t afford to keep it, anyway. But I love my apartment, and fortunately STBX is just reasonable enough (impression management, maybe?) to make a reasonable financial settlement and to agree to sell the house when the market is right again next spring.

      Anyway, I’m glad you’re out, UX, and can write so lyrically about your experience.

  • My exww was a cake eating, foot dragger. Agreed to move out but looked for months for a “suitable” rental. Pretty hard to find a 3 bedroom apartment that accepts dogs when you only want to pay $500/month. Her getting a DUI and losing her licence during this period didn’t make it any easier. She still found a way to see POSOM though. Less then a week after getting her license back she returned in the morning after a night out with POSOM to find all her possessions in garbage bags on the front porch. Told her she was a lying, cheating drunk and a terrible role model to our 3 children. Good riddance!

  • My father did that. Divorced my mom either for another woman (married my former step mom months after divorce was final) or to have his freedom to sleep around. The court was at 9 am and He stayed in the house until the afternoon that day. Drove my mom nuts. He was so cold and mean.

    I stayed two months until the lawyer told me it was safe to move out. My XW attacked me physically and emotionally. My hat is off to those who have done it longer.

    • My father wanted to divorce my mom in August, 1988 because he was going to get an inheritance. My mom said “hell no”. Filed and they divorced in July. He thought it was so unfair that he lost the house and had to move out a month early. He thought he controlled everything.

      • My cheating father was livid after learning he wouldn’t be getting half of my mother’s inheritance, which included beautiful antiques. I came home after team practice to our house robbed of all the Tiffany silver and the jewelry in my mother’s and my boxes. He had also demanded she return the diamond engagement ring. No dice said her attorney since it was a gift before the marriage.
        My father is one of the most selfish people I know. He already received lots of financial assistance from his father and later inherited a lot yet he thought he deserved half of my mother’s money. After what he did. A moral reprobate. I still wonder to this day if he paid somebody to steal the goods. It was in the eighties when the price of silver was high.

  • The first time Dr. Cheaterpants left for a twu wuv schmoopie, he had actually thought I’d leave the house and kids and schmoops could just step into my life. Nope. I was confused though after he moved out and while we were waiting for the house to sell that I would come home from work after picking up one kid from daycare and the other from preschool to find him sitting on the couch watching TV waiting for us. Then he would fix himself a plate of supper I had prepared, play with the kids while I did dishes, then leave for his schmoops. When the house sold and the kids and I moved into a smaller home, he had no access so he realized the cake as he had imagined wasn’t much more than a stale piece of cornbread. He was relegated to kids every other weekend and Wednesday evening visitation and NOT at my house.

    For you chumps going through the initial stages of this, don’t let their desire for cake confuse you into thinking they still love and want you and their family! They have rationalized and justified how this will all go down in their mind and you will be a submissive chump and put up with it!

    I took that fucker back only for him to ‘try on’ several more schmoopies with him always having one foot out the door and never totally in the marriage or family. When I caught him pursuing our DD14’s 20-something asst sports coach in our kids’ Catholic high school, I knew how it would play out. I lawyered up, put in the separation agreement he had to have everything out of the family home within 30 days. When the 30 days were up, I had a locksmith at the house changing the locks. He just so happened to be dropping DD14 off while the locksmith was changing out the front door. HE WAS SHOCKED! He had been coming and going as he pleased for those 30 days and I have no doubt, had planned to continue to do so after the divorce.

    Any newbies out there, here our woes! These cheaters are all the same. Selfish, entitled, and really its all about them in their minds. You and the kids (and pets) are acceptable collateral damage to their happiness.

    • Can’t stress how important it is for those chumped to put a time limit into the divorce decree as to how long the WS has to collect their belongings after divorce is final. My exww had 7 days to get me a list of what she wanted and to remove it. She had moved out 18 months prior but would still grab some of her things when picking up the kids for her weekends. She never provided a list. About a month after divorce was final she took some things out of my garage. Rest of her shit was soon at the curb for garbage collection.

      • XW left behind some clothes in a closet when she moved out. After months of not collecting them, I finally put them in a couple of boxes and walked them to her car when she picked up the kids.

        She flipped out, told me that she had forbidden me from touching her clothes and started yelling about how she was going to contact her lawyer. She’s screaming about lawyers and lawsuits in front of the kids, because I had dared to carefully fold her things up, put them in boxes, and bring them out to her car.

        I suspect that there were some gifts to her from the AP that she didn’t want me to know about, and that’s why she wanted to forbid me from touching the stuff, but I still don’t completely understand it. It was bizarre, to be honest.

        • Just another excuse to create drama and make herself feel like she’s the victim, as simple as that.

          And HOW DARE YOU? You were only supposed to pack her stuff and bring it to her WHEN SHE TOLD YOU SO.

          They are both control freaks and drama queens, and the result is truly bizarre.

    • Great advice. It was my experience as well that FW thought that he would be able to just have everything go the way he wanted. He actually got nothing exactly how he wanted it. He also assumed we would be friends and drop our kid off at each others houses. Not happening. I made it so we have a central location for pick-up and only communicate through the parenting app. I have to wonder if he misses being able to drag me into drama..probably not though.

  • This one is for me!! I told my Husband it was over on June 16th. I knew he didn’t have a solid option as far as a place to move into so I gray rocked the fu@$ out of him!! I didn’t buy food or drinks. I didn’t cook. I didn’t clean. I didn’t speak to him with more than grunts in reply. I didn’t respond to calls or texts. Didnt let him use my car I went straight to my room, closed the door and belted out break up songs until I fell asleep. I also burned mass quantities of sage. On September 21 he moved in with his new soul mate. He got her name tattooed on his neck in October and by 1 November she was posting on social media about his abuse. They are still together though professing their twu love. Her FB status has been updated to “engaged ” And no. I have not even filed for divorce yet because NC requires a 1 year separation.. Fun stuff!!

  • My X bought another house, and still lived in my guest room for years. His house wasn’t ready, he whined. Finally, his brother and sister flew in, took his things and moved him. I was so thankful. Even they knew it was a bad situation for us both.

    After he left, the divorce finalized, I fixed our house (he was always starting projects but never finishing) sold it and moved almost an hour away. After more than 20 years, I deserve peace and quiet!

  • Mine already had his apartment lined up (though he needed me to co-sign the lease because of his credit score and the schmoopie couldn’t know what a turd she was really getting)… he left on the first of the month… I helped him move furniture… a week later, I found CL and CN… I changed the locks to my house and came home one night to find him sitting on the steps dumbounded. I slowly found the courage to move anything he left behind to the garage where it sat until the divorce was final (I wasn’t the boss him dont’cha know).

      • I would’ve paid the rent to get rid of him (kidding, but not)… ironically, as I was on the lease (yes- I was still pick me dancing and co-signed), I received the many notices from the landlords regarding under age drinking parties being held there as he left my teen stepchildren home quite often while he slept over a schoompies… helped me immensely when time came to negotiate our custody agreement. I did not co-sign his renewal.

  • I left immediately upon learning of his infidelity. After being away for about a week, living with my daughter, I met with a lawyer who advised me to write the following (or something to this effect) to my then-husband: “I’m dealing with the pain of your crushing betrayal. After a 35-year marriage, I would hope that you respect me enough to allow me to live in the house. I want to be home! You should get an apartment. You owe me this much.”

    It worked!

    He complained later that I got to live in the house, and he had to live in an apartment (which was very nice, btw). Of course, he was with his schmoopie so you would think he would have been in seventh heaven. I mean, if you’re with your true love, you should be happy in a tent.

    Because I lived in the house, I did retain control. I had all the records. I controlled when he would come and go to clean out his stuff. I also had the burden of prepping the house for sale, but I wouldn’t have trusted him to handle that anyway.

    I hope this helps a newbie.

  • I can totally relate to this one. I won’t get into my whole sad story today as it’s long and similar to everybody’s, but I could not get my husband to leave. We separated in-house. He moved to a bedroom in the basement and came and went as he wanted. He used to behave so creepily. Sometimes I would be having a coffee with a girlfriend or two upstairs in the kitchen, and he would have quietly opened and closed the front door and then he would nonchalantly walk in to the kitchen or where I was having a coffee with a friend and startle us. No one would have even known he was in the house, but then he would make his presence known as he would stride in all puffed up. Like a big man, lol.

    He claimed that he owned the house also and I couldn’t make him leave. The market wasn’t very good at the time, but the only way I could get him out was to finally sell the house.
    We still don’t have a divorce, and we’ve been separated two and a half years. But the stress level went way down once I didn’t have to live with him anymore. I was able to buy myself a little condo with my half of the money from the house sale. I happily with one of my sons who is almost 21. The older one comes for visits and stays in the den while he lives in another city going to college.
    My JCC has been postponed twice, once due to covid19, the second time because his lawyer mysteriously went on sick leave permanently the night before JCC. We have another one scheduled for the end of January. Hopefully that one will go through as we have more marital assets to divide. I feel lucky that I was able to get some of the money so I could at least buy a place to live on my own.
    It’s so worth it to have my own place. I had so much fun decorating it without any negative influence from him. I hadn’t realized how stifled I was, and how afraid it was to make decisions.
    Now I haven’t had a panic attack since we separated. I feel that is saying something.
    I never have any fear that he’s going to walk into my place because he does not have a key. The more grey rock I do, and as more time goes by, I actually can say I’m feeling fairly happy now!

    • Mine also loved to sneak into the house! Why?! He would quietly sneak up the stairs. I tried to go up the stairs as quietly as he did and I couldn’t so I know this had to take effort on his part. It’s so bizarre.

  • I can totally relate to this one. I won’t get into my whole sad story today as it’s long and similar to everybody’s, but I could not get my husband to leave. We separated in-house. He moved to a bedroom in the basement and came and went as he wanted. He used to behave so creepily. Sometimes I would be having a coffee with a girlfriend or two upstairs in the kitchen, and he would have quietly opened and closed the front door and then he would nonchalantly walk in to the kitchen or where I was having a coffee with a friend and startle us. No one would have even known he was in the house, but then he would make his presence known as he would stride in all puffed up. Like a big man, lol.

    He claimed that he owned the house also and I couldn’t make him leave. The market wasn’t very good at the time, but the only way I could get him out was to finally sell the house.
    We still don’t have a divorce, and we’ve been separated two and a half years. But the stress level went way down once I didn’t have to live with him anymore. I was able to buy myself a little condo with my half of the money from the house sale. I happily with one of my sons who is almost 21. The older one comes for visits and stays in the den while he lives in another city going to college.
    My JCC has been postponed twice, once due to covid19, the second time because his lawyer mysteriously went on sick leave permanently the night before JCC. We have another one scheduled for the end of January. Hopefully that one will go through as we have more marital assets to divide. I feel lucky that I was able to get some of the money so I could at least buy a place to live on my own.
    It’s so worth it to have my own place. I had so much fun decorating it without any negative influence from him. I hadn’t realized how stifled I was, and how afraid it was to make decisions.
    Now I haven’t had a panic attack since we separated. I feel that is saying something.
    I never have any fear that he’s going to walk into my place because he does not have a key. The more grey rock I do, and as more time goes by, I actually can say I’m feeling fairly happy now!

  • The AH I was married to refused to move out of the house for eight months, until our son finished school, I told him I wanted the house in my name and he could move abroad to the apartment we had (he was there more than here anyway and I had discovered he was keeping his young mistress a short trip away). Because in his delusional state (I told him he would be on permanent holidays YAY!) he agreed to everything I asked for in the mediation agreement. I played nice until I had the house in my name and half the assets, all the while studying the whole personality disordered! I gray rocked like a boss and when he realized that I would not cook etc for him and cake was very scarce indeed, he started to get really stroppy with me, screaming at me that I was a liar, projection much? Of course he had only admitted to the prostitutes, escorts and hook ups, he didn’t know that I knew about the Owhore, but I was a liar!! All I can say to anyone in this situation is that it is pure and utter torture! When the narc mask comes off totally and you see the evil stranger that you were married to for 25yrs it is like being in a horror movie. The idiot told our son about the “girlfriend” thinking they would all be one happy family and son immediately went NC with him. I got my divorce through in June, the only benefit about Covid is that it is keeping him overseas with his now fiancé and baby at 56ys. Good riddance. If you can get them out asap, that’s the only way to go!

  • I heard advice from friends and relatives to live separately, and wanted that. My attorney said to stay in place or risk losing my rights to the house. I didn’t have the resources to cover expenses for the shared house and my own rental place.

    No kids, just a couple pets stbx mostly ignored. I stayed in a different bedroom, and didn’t sleep much. I mostly worked from home during the week while stbx was gone working, and I left on weekends. I walked alone 2-4 hours a day, sweating and muttering prayers. Stbx wouldn’t bother me if I was watching TV or computer so I used the buffers. Mostly stbx would behave in front of an audience so I asked for a friend’s help when we were separating the last stuff.

    One time stbx verbal abuse crossed into threatening, not enough for a restraining order, so I left for a few nights, took the dog like most weekends. Kept my car packed for emergencies during the months of living together while separated.

    My blood pressure dropped from needing medication to low normal within a week of moving away from stbx. I had to take sleep medication every night during and after the separation until a couple weeks after the divorce was final and the abusive contact finally stopped.

    We “shared” custody of our sweet old dog, but stbx raged at me during and after (text, voice mail, email) most of the twice weekly exchanges, so after agonizing over the decision, and seeing over a few months that the dog was healthy and safe with stbx, I chose to give up dog custody to stbx when I divorced a few months later. Stbx (as usual) threatened legal action to prevent me from keeping the dog when I offered. The dog died of natural causes a few months later.

    7 years later – I own my home and have a lovely new to me dog, plus the same cat and another cat who showed up soon after I moved in.

  • This post actually makes me laugh out loud now. Remembering my ex bringing his laundry home from his girlfriend’s house!! I hope that you’ll be able to laugh about the insanity one day.

  • 7 years ago (2013) this week, the ex, who had been working away during the week for years, told me he wasn’t happy; he was only happy in London and was bored when he came home; the affair he’d started back in 2002 hadn’t ever really ended and he didn’t know what to do. He felt better that he’d come clean! He then got his work out of his bag and sat working all evening while I sat falling apart. I’d let him carry on like this the last time but this time felt different. However that night his routine stayed the same! He got into bed next to me and fell asleep as if nothing had happened! The next morning he got up and said he’d ring me later and when I ignored him – ‘so that’s what its going to be like is it?’ In his world, he was going to work; he’d see his girlfriend and then come back next Friday just like every week. I was devastated and remember meeting a girlfriend for a coffee that same day. She asked me what I was going to do and I didn’t know. It was as if, in my head, I just had to put up with it! She had gone through a divorce herself and said to me that she ‘would not let him back in the house. He just thinks he can treat you badly and you need to show him that this is not OK. Pack his bags and tell him not to come back!’ I went home, packed several holdalls with some of his stuff and I actually took them to his mother’s house. Sent him a message and told him not to come back! Now, I did it to show him that I was not putting up with it any more but I will admit that I expected him to be back again!! Of course it didn’t happen! He became the victim. He blamed me and still does for everything! He never wanted a divorce! He just wanted to do what he wanted. Anyway I remember reading that it takes 1 year for each 5 years you were together to start to feel normal!! After 38 years together, I guess this is what meh looks like!

    • It’s amazing how well they sleep. My ex never had insomnia and could fall asleep anywhere. Meanwhile, I put up with his snoring and eventual sleep apnea for years until asking him to move into one of the other bedrooms.
      After I filed for divorce and before he moved out I decided I would go out to dinner by myself. I didn’t cook for him or notify him. I eventually got a text with the “so that’s what its going to be like?” comment. I guess they all use the same playbook.

  • Funny, I just put Nina Simone singing Sinnerman on. So much recommended. Anyway–

    I had to live with the ex husband and once and future asshole for a few months during our divorce–we had sold the big house, the house I was buying wasn’t quite ready yet (short sale), and whatever. Shit, that was an awful 3-4 months! But, it’s in the rear view mirror now.

  • Mine wanted to leave so she could spend time with the AP unimpeded (she was pretending – and in fact still pretends – that she wasn’t having an affair at the time). I agreed to sign a statement that she was not abandoning the family (though in fact, of course, she was) because that’s what it took to get her out the door. I gave her an entirely symbolic victory, but got peace of mind in return. My lawyer assured me that the pseudo-legalistic mumbo-jumbo she invented would have zero effect on the divorce, so I swallowed a little bit of my pride and signed.

    If your cheater is trying to save face, it’s worth it to “agree” to whatever BS it takes to get him/her out of the house, assuming it doesn’t have legal ramifications later on.

    • I agree that sometimes, it’s necessary “agree” to something benign in order to get them out of your hair. Be sure to consult with a lawyer first.

      My ex would only sign the legal separation agreement, which covered everything such as financial assets and the access agreement with the kids, only if I put in a clause that specifically stated he could claim one kid as a dependent on his taxes and if a statement was written in that we would re-visit access after a few years.

      My lawyer was dumbfounded that my ex believed that he would be entitled to claim a kid as a dependent on his taxes when both kids are with me 65-68% of the year, especially because my ex is an auditor for the government. She figures that he probably thinks that as long as the sentence is written in, the revenue officers for the government won’t read the agreement any further. Good for him, if it works for him, but bad if anyone in the government catches it. So, I agreed.

      And as for agreeing to re-visit the access. He was really hoping for a 50-50 access arrangement so that he didn’t have to pay child support. But, we have a child with Autism and I was able to get professional assessments from a psychologist and a family counsellor that it would inappropriate for our son’s well-being to have so many interruptions to his sleep schedule between two households. My ex agreed begrudgingly because he didn’t want to look like a bad guy to the professionals. But he felt that things could be different when the kids are older and then go for 50-50. My lawyer said to let him have that clause because in two more years, the current access will be very hard to break without massive court fees. I simply need to stand my ground. No judge will increase a parent’s access, especially when there is a child with a disability and the children are thriving with the access that exists. My ex will never dish out money to fight this in court.

      Yep, swallow a little pride in order to gain far greater pride.

      • I agreed to let my EX claim one of the kids on his taxes for a period of years as well. I can’t quite fathom why he made the demand unless he read it on some men’s rights site. He had agreed to give me most of the custody (eventually, all of it), yet he felt entitled to a tax break! I probably shouldn’t have accepted his demand but at the time my goal was to maintain as much custody as possible, and everything else was negotiable. From my perspective, he was just doing as much as he could to get a good price for his “share” of the kids’ time. It’s easy to see what he valued.

  • Cheater got physically abusive when I asked him to leave. I would caution others to be careful during this period.

    • I knew that if I even asked him to sleep in a different room he wouldn’t have complied and gotten angry.

      I was creeping out of the room after he came in and fell asleep. (I was up early and to bed early, he’s a night owl) I was sleeping in the spare room.

      I didn’t want the house, couldn’t have stayed in that small community anyway due to lack of jobs and completely surrounded by Flying Monkeys.

      I got out as soon as I could, but he’s still playing victim 5 years later when he got the house, no alimony, very little child support and no consequences for him keeping a lot of my stuff and cheating me out of a lot of maritial funds.

      I got out, went completely grey rock and after 5 years, I can eat, sleep and breathe again. Worth every material assest and straight cash I lost.

  • There was no way mine was going to leave. He felt entitled and used this time to mentally and emotionally abuse me. Day in and day out name calling, turning off hot water while I was in the shower, would throw my toothbrush away , lock me out of the main bathroom claiming it was his bathroom, taking my phone charger, blaming me that I was breaking up our family. shoving, pushing, slapping me. It was pure Hell. The last day there he had come into my bed and in front of our little one was calling me names, slapped me and head butted me. That was enough for me. I moved myself out and it took me having the judge EVICT him from our home for me to get him out to be able to sell it. However, this took 6 months to finally get the eviction. Then he cried that he didn’t have anywhere to go which was a lie he had a place to go all along. He begged the judge for 30 more days. Judge said no and gave him 5 days to pack up and get out! I had that house sold in 2 weeks from when he moved out.. The prior 6 months he was refusing to let in the realtor to take pictures (until court order forced him) then he refused to let showing occur so finally judge granted eviction!

    My advice. Don’t do it if you don’t have to! It was so draining on my mental and physical health.

  • My cheater wife wanted us to alternate weeks at home with our two teenaged sons. I did not know about the boyfriend at the time and wanted to stay marriedl so I agreed. I shortly discovered that this was really about freeing her up for an every other week fuckfest with childcare provided. As a bonus she could claim a plausible cover story that we were just uncoupling from a marriage where we had “grown apart”. I was determined not to leave again.
    I hired an attorney who told me I could not force her out of the house, but could make accommodations to adjust living conditions. So on a Saturday while the kids were out of the house a buddy came over and we carefully moved all her clothes and furnishings into the garage and arranged them so she could have free access. I put a keyed lock on the master bedroom door. I photographed everything. When the kids came home that day I told them and showed them what I had done and it was because mom had a boyfriend and it was not OK.
    She was scheduled to come home Sunday night and I decided not to be there in case she went ape shit, but I left a note. She did. She smashed open the bedroom door, trashed the room and generally rampaged. My youngest son called her mother to come over as he was afraid. When I finally arrived back she raged at me, but moderated her behavior because her mom was there. Then she flipped a switch and became all repentant and sorry about everything. I convinced to go home with her mom and she did. When the kids went to bed I photographed all the damage, especially the splintered door frame and dents in the drywall from throwing my stuff around.
    Monday morning I met my attorney and handed him the photos. He got a restraining order, temporary child support and wage garnishment to pay for it. Served her later in the week. I changed the locks and she never lived there again.
    Saved my sanity.
    She continued to be a spiteful pain in the ass, but after a year I ended up with the house until after kids graduated high school and in college. By then I had remarried, the real estate market boomed and I sold the house for a very nice profit. Now I live in Napa CA with a wife who loves me and we walk our dogs by vineyards every morning.
    It gets better.

  • I’m currently iin this situation…ugh.

    I caught him cheating with a 20 year old crack hoe… She is in jail now for unrelated felony charges. He is doing the We can reconcile song and dance. I’m being a sarcastic meanie ( hey..I’m dark enough to find some of it funny). For example, he was talking about a song that came on the radio and was about how drugs cost the singer everything. My soon to be ex started going on about how this song resonated with him because he lost his first wife and son due to drug abuse. I look him dead in the eye and said ”
    Apparently you needed a refresher course.” He shut up and left the room.

    But inside, I’m dying. this is breaking my heart as I really loved him. But he choose a hoe over our marriage. He knew her all of a week before he was willing to leave me for her. Yeah… like I’m gonna be kosher with that. He didnt come home the night of July 9th. I did a locate on the vehicle with OnStar and found him holed up in a cheap motel with her. I took the vehicle ( which is registered in my name since I bought the damn thing) and all the money out of the account (community property!!) , called my attorney and had him served with divorce papers. He was served July 14. When she realized he had no car and no money to buydrugs and was basically a pauper..she ran off with his stuff that was in the hotel room and left him. I died laughing. I’m usually a really nice person..but this situation has brought out my inner devil.

    So now he has crawled back and trying to reconcile. I am waiting for the final hearing. He failed to respond to the divorce papers so my atty says its all up to the judge how to divide things. Everything we have I provided so we are submitting a proposed divorce settlement that leaves him his clothes. all the money was mine, from a inheritance ( which is NOT community property) However, I trusted and loved him so there was some co-mingling. I filed based on adultery. I have copies of the texts and messenger messages detailing it all. Every sordid detail. I learned from reading this group. Its taking longer than usual with COVID. But I cant legally keep him out of the apartment since he is co lessee. So we have to live together till I either move out or he mves out or the lease ends (May 2021.

    But its hell…I’m hurting and feel like I’m just done.

    • I’m sorry. you are not evil just Hurt and justifiably angry. stay strong! do nice things for yourself. be Grey rock! can you afford to move out since it is a rental>

  • on the morning I found out, I told him to get out. he moved into our beach house and carried on his affair. since he was not working and couldn’t afford to pay for the beach house, I got a quit claim deed from him and sold it. when the OWhore realized i had all the money and he is a loser, she dumped him for another. he was so 😥. oh well! sometimes I feel sorry for him, then I go make tacos.

  • He won’t leave? Get into the attic and pull out a piece of fiberglass insulation about the size of an orange. Cut it in half. Take all his undies and his socks and wash them with the first half. Dry them with the second half. Wearing gardening gloves, neatly fold the undies and replace in his drawer. Trust me, he’ll leave. Before he moves his clothing, take a seam ripper and open every third stitch in the seam between the zipper and the waistband in all his pants. When he bends over the first time, the ass will rip out of his pants. You can do the same thing to the shoulders of his suits. Or you can take all his suits to the dry cleaners and give him the ticket. Pick them up or lose them. You can also use that seam ripper to start small holes in all his socks and sweaters. When he’s not at home? Place the dairy products and the eggs in a sunny spot. Replace in fridge before he comes back. When he’s shitting his brains out, you can sit back and smirk. Ladies, we may have been chumped but we have always been smarter than they are. Think creatively.

    • Wow! Clever! I first stopped washing his damn clothes and underwear and thought that would help. HA! I do have several seam rippers but never had such an inspiring flash of inspiration. It would have felt good after all those decades of hemming his pants because they didn’t make short-enough ones for his waistband size.
      At least I finally played the music card (see below).

  • When we were going through the split and before he moved out, I came home from my job as a night cook and found him snoozing peacefully in the recliner

    It infuriated me. How fucking dare he.

    I sat on the couch beside the chair for a few minutes, getting more and more angry until I finally lifted my foot and SLAMMED my heel down on the foot rest of the recliner and scared the bejezuz out of him.

    He moved out the next day because he claimed he was afraid of me. If I’d have known how easy it would have been to get rid of him, I’d have done it weeks before.

  • Music. Loud music. MY music. Our musical tastes overlapped only slightly, so after a few months of his foot-dragging on moving out, I just started playing my music from the kitchen on speakers that could be heard upstairs. It was hard on me, since I don’t like it that loud, but as soon as he walked in the door I blasted it and refused to lower it. It didn’t take him long to find an apartment. He was never physically abusive so I felt safe.

  • Mine actually filed for divorce yet refused to move out for three months. He slept on my couch that I bought pre-marriage in a downstairs room. I eventually took the cushions up to my room so he slept on some chairs that folded into a mattress on the floor. I took a picture of this set-up because it was pathetic. I’ll save it and gaze at it from time to time to remember what a loser he is. He also purchased a safe which he kept in his little room downstairs because he accused me of going through his paperwork. Helllloooo I already did that the day after I discovered you’re a cheater, a little late for that now.

    While he lived there, I would do all the child care and he would go out at night. After looking at his financials, I discovered he spent a lot of this time on dates and hiring escorts. I would come home and he would be cooking himself a gourmet meal. He could not understand my hostility and why couldn’t I just be “cordial”? We had a three month old at the time of his filing.

    Eventually he moved out but didn’t tell me he moved out. This came up in court and he looked ridiculous. Those were probably the worst three months of my life and I don’t know how I survived it with two young kids. I need a vacation.

    • He also seemed to really enjoy torturing me during this time. He got off on having his free little life while I did the childcare. He would hide my keys, I believe he let the air out of my tires regularly, blocked me into the garage with his car so I couldn’t leave, keyed my car.

      He must be so bored now with no ways left to torture me.

  • Yes. It was hell living with him after I knew of the betrayal. He claimed that he broke things off with her. But after a half assed attempt of reconciliation and him storming out of couple’s therapy, he decided he needed to proceed with the separation. He wanted to be separated and continue to control my life. Of course, I had to do all the leg work of actually initiating the divorce. While he played sad sausage and asshole at the same time.
    He was an absolute nightmare to live with. Criticism. Followed by accusation of how I was mistreating him by asking him to move out after he had already rented a house for $2600 that he refused to move into. So, he wasted our money while torturing me with his presence and abuse. Nothing I did was ever right. When after DDay he admitted to some fault, during our months of living together while simultaneously preparing a divorce, he backpaddled and talked himself into being the innocent victim. Everything was my fault. All the time. He even put accusations and lies on the discovery document. While I answered the discovery document question of why the marriage was failing with: “He cheated” and nothing else. He wrote an essay of how I was an awful and non-loving person that abused everyone around her.

    He really slipped the mask on me during that time. There was no empathy. No remorse. Just himself.

    https://notmymonkeys.net/blog

  • Very timely advice for me today! After years of getting my ducks a row, I signed the legal agreement this week to begin the divorce. I plan on moving out with my disabled son, age 27 & daughter age 22 (a covid college grad).I have an opportunity to downsize to a lovely 3 bedroom ranch rental home at an affordable cost. I feel like I’d rather rip the bandage off. I considered staying in my home, but foresee having to downsize eventually. My attorney said there is no problem with me moving out. I’m sure it will be a hassle to move, & I’m not sure how STBX will react. If HE really wants to move out ASAP I’d be all for that, then stay in our home until it’s sold.

    I’m not planning to be in Limbo much longer! Will have to change my name on this site!

  • I told mine after 6 weeks that we are not together and he either moved out or I would change the locks. I went so far as to pretend to be his landlady using my maiden name to help him secure a rental apartment. Anything to get rid of him. Now I would just kick him out and change the locks, but the 6 weeks did let me get evidence and helped in the divorce.

  • My STBX seemed both sad and relieved when I said GTFO. I’m sure part of him was glad that he could go and get an apartment so he could fuck his girlfriend without the hassle of sneaking around. However, once the reality of leaving hit, he became angry and now he’s the sad sausage victim who has to rent. Doesn’t pay for anything in the home, gets chased for child support, won’t engage with the separation process, but my friend was recently in a shop where he purchased $2k worth of patio furniture for his fancy beachfront apartment.

    I’m proud that I told him to GTFO. He wanted to stay and have some rotating arrangement where our daughter would stay in the home and he and I would share an apartment and move in and out, week about. Are you fucking kidding me? First of all, that is only ever for people who care about each other but just can’t be married. Second of all, why should I have to do that? He’s the one who fucked up the marriage. Third, I did everything around the house, he doesn’t cook, clean or do laundry. So that would mean that I had two shitty houses to manage while he fucked around and did nothing. I was VERY insulted when he brought up that idea – it highlighted his delusional state that we were somehow going to be “friends” after all he did to me. He really thought what he was doing was okay by me – after all, he was just getting “his needs met” so why wasn’t I happy for him? G.T.F.O.

  • My ex just couldn’t be alone. I had to travel for work (overseas) and I found out after I dumped him about his entertaining his OW’s when I travelled.

    I had a practice D Day about 6 months before I had an evidenced D day and was able to officially leave him (long story of pick me dancing and kibbles, although we were well and truly over). Fast forward to final D Day and I was able to talk him into a bird eating arrangement (we’d rotate week on week off at our house with kids). 2 months of that and I had to travel to the other side of the world for work for two weeks. I asked my sister to “pop round” on the days he sent kids to his parents “for a break” (poor guy, parenting on his own for two weeks, so tough).

    The day I got back, jet lagged AF, a hat of mine I never wore was in the lounge, and four towels were in the wash (family of three without me there). My sister came over with a photo of a car in our driveway the day before, she had popped over and wasband had been dodgy AF and wouldn’t let her in the house. She said “we’re looking in the bins he was up to something”.

    I found in the bins about 5 empty bottles of cheap plonk (Mateus Rosé) plus two empty bottles of Piper Heidseck champagne. I also found a bag from a record shop that had been in our room for about 6 months. It had a receipt for a record (Herb Alpert’s Whipped cream and other delights) with THE NAME AND PHONE NUMBER OF THE OW HE HAD DENIED ANYTHING HAPPENING WITH over 6 months prior. I still had no specific evidence of his cheating at this point.

    I looked her Instagram up and there she was a week prior WEARING MY HAT! 6 months of posts earlier there she was wearing the same bra set he bought for me on the regular! I looked up her car rego and there was her name and address!

    He never came back to the home and I’ve been there ever since (still settling on property 2 years later ffs). Over the next month I did forensics on our accounts. All the underwear purchases for me (his love bomb signature gift) were about double what they should have been. Plus a whole lot from plus size suppliers I never saw (I’m not plus size but she is). So many transactions, so many cash withdrawals. Honestly, how dumb was I not looking on Instagram or not checking our bank accounts earlier, holding on with hope!

    We are now settling on property and he is pushing it, asking for way more than I can reasonably afford. I have his financial abuse up my sleeve for if we have to take it to court(he’s dragged out settlement and house prices gone through the roof, have him on record saying he will drag it out to get what he’s “entitled to” (entitled fuckwit). I’m not paying a dime over what he’s “entitled to” and I’ll take him to court to expose his fuckwittery if I have to (I won’t have to, he has antisocial personality disorder so court isn’t for him plus he avoids tax on his business (relationship property) so he want want to risk exposing that to the system either.

    So it took me about 8 months to get him out. When I sent him the receipt with her name and number on it, and her car rego details, and her Insta wearing MY SHIT, he STILL DENIED IT!!! He has never admitted to anything. Apart from the lawyers bills, I look forward to my day in court (that won’t happen but I love imagining it). These fuckwits own up to shot and still dig their heels in expecting to stay around. The arse of it all is that the law is on his side. No fault divorce process. But I have a strong case for financial abuse at least and he knows it.

    • Bloody hell NenaB. Sounds like you might live in the same country as me, and I’m feeling totally fucked over by not being able to get any justice because of “no fault”. Mine has denied a lot and has retrospectively tried to change the narrative – apparently I’m just a bitch who said he could cheat and then I kicked him out when he did. WTFever. I’m dying to get this whole thing settled – he is just avoiding me and I know he won’t end up in court either because I reckon he’ll string me along and then settle at the last minute. It’s maddening and unfair and my mind is continuously blown and their shocking sense of entitlement.

  • My cheater had no problem packing up and leaving, he was going to stay at his moms….yeah that lasted less then a month then him and skank moved in together. But that was fine with me, I stayed in the house until it sold and he paid the mortgage!

  • I can’t remember if I’ve told the story here before but I came back from a week escape with my children to get some distance from him when I was gone he filed for divorce and we were forced to come back earlier than planned to a house with him still living in it. After three days of this and still with the initial shock sitting in that our marriage was over, I went ballistic on him while kids were sleeping. One of them woke up and was upset and finally he had the courtesy to pack up his stuff the next day. I don’t necessarily recommend this, but it happened. I think it also helped that I was a SAHM and would have a multi friend play date with moms going on when he was due home from the office. This terrified him. We watched him circle the block until they left.

    • I love your story….I had a similar shit show too. Mine just wouldn’t crawl away, I had to get exclusive possession of the house, and he still fought that through quarantine, and kept showing up.

      Before that, towards the end of “I can’t take this monster around the kids anymore”, I found him sleeping in our bed when the kids and I went out to literally take a night away from the “house of hell” for ice skating and dinner. I turned the light on in the room, there he was all snug like he had the privilege to be in there, our “former” bed , instead of the couch in the basement. So with the kids in the hallway, (I just needed to make sure he wasn’t going to try to kill me), I too do not necessarily recommend this either, but they saw who he really has become. I told him get out. His response ” It’s my room too.” “No you chose differently.”
      I tore the sheets off the bed, threw them away. He took off and drove around for hours, then came back and crawled in the basement.
      When I hear these stories, and they are so similar, so devastating, I can’t believe we lived through this stuff!!

  • Yeah, she stayed in the house for four months while continuing her relationship with her F-Friend. It would have been longer because (i say) she wanted to rehabilitate her relationship with the kids – she had been an absentee parent for a long time prior to D-day.

    How did I get her out? I continually embarrassed her by telling our good friends not only about the affair but about the fact that she continued to rub my nose in it (assault) by insisting to live in the house and carry on her relationship. You should’ve seen the empathy I received from both women and men! A number of our friends are also lawyers and it absolutely horrified my ex that members of our relatively small Bar knew of her affair and continued assault.

    I also brought it up in several emails I sent to her and made it clear I will never forgive her for her insensitivity (continued assault). I also joined in with her sessions with her divorce coach and brought it up four or five times each hour long session.

    Quite frankly, I think the divorce coach got tired of me railing on this subject and eventually advised the ex to move out!

    My ex called all of that “bullying”.

    After she moved out (two weeks ago), the ex asked me to meet again with her divorce coach. I wrote: “No. I’ve accomplished my goal of getting you out!”

    We have the basic terms of a separation agreement in place which provides me with the sole option of buying out her interest in the house and I’m approved for financing to make that happen!

    From D-day (July 4, 2020) until she moved out, I dreaded going home. And now, I can hardly wait to go home.

  • Yeah, I had this too. When I found info confirming Affair #2, I told him I was done and would find a place and be moved out within 2 weeks, and that I’d take the kids w/me for now, as he was working 4 days a week in another city (now known in our house as Shmoopieville) and would be for months still.

    He had clearly thought this would be a reprise of Affair #1, when I pick-me-danced and put up w/his continuing the affair for months, then worked super hard to ‘make the marriage better’, although I had made it clear then that he would get only that one chance. But he seemed quite happy to say no, no, he’d move out, because kids etc. GREAT!

    Except then he didn’t, of course. Started sleeping in the guest room, happily texting Shmoops for hours, but zero moving out action.

    Eventually I started booking rental apartment viewings and telling him we were going to look at them. Still didn’t work. Then I went out and found him an apartment and walked him over to sign the lease. On the way back home he said ‘This is only temporary, right?’ I thought he was referring to him living in a rented one bedroom place until we sold the house, and said ‘sure’. Turns out that wasn’t what he meant at all ….

    He still wouldn’t move. So I started packing up dishes etc and making him and the kids take it and some furniture over to his place. Then I told him he had to sleep there. Then that it was ‘too hard for me’ to have him constantly ‘hanging out’. Then I told him that on his custody time he had to have the kids there. (He had taken 15% of the kids’ time in our 50-50 default jurisdiction, but hey, I guess that’s what fuckwits do ….) Then I told him that no, he couldn’t bring his laundry over to do it ‘at home’ as he kept calling it, he had to do it in his building.

    Of COURSE he didn’t move his stuff all out. He took his seasonal clothes and the few household things I sent over, then came back for the rest of his clothes as the weather turned. A year after telling him I was done, I packed up all the rest of his stuff, mostly out-of-date technical books (15 bankers boxes), but also the photos of his life before me and his diplomas …. and the kids hauled it all down to the basement. Where it sat, for the next 4 years. When the house sold he finally came and threw it all in a rental car and took it away. (He never did ask for any of the photos of the kids ….)

    Hell, he even tried to sleep with me in that first year (I’m sure Shmoops would have been thrilled with that!) and the next year expected me to do his taxes like I’d always done!

    I think I was very clear from the beginning that I wasn’t going to be taking him back to ‘try again’. But it took him a couple of years of intermittent hoovering to catch on to that reality. Then he was PISSED because he ended up financially disadvantaged because he’d paid extra to ‘keep the kids in their home’ and I wouldn’t just give him that money back.

    I know he’s not stupid (the Ph.D and MBA attest to that), but it’s pretty amazing how much their ENTITLEMENT blinds them. He clearly thought that he would just keep getting what he wanted, simply because he wanted it.

  • It was awful, and I’m so glad it’s over, but at least I was able to find some humor in the situation.

    He slept on the couch for several months and I got some hilarious video of him scrunched up (he was too tall to fit comfortably), pajama pants falling down so you could see some of his ass crack, and snoring like a buzz saw.

    It’s hard, but in the midst of the insanity, it helps you to cope if you can laugh at them behind their back.

  • I recently developed an unwanted husband living in the guest bedroom. I was wondering if anyone asked/suggested the cheater to please go live with the Other person? I’m considering this.
    Thank you all for sharing your wealth of experience. It makes me feel ALOT better about where I am.

    • Call the ap. Tell her that YOU want him to move out and to please take him in because he’s trying to charm and sleep with you …and you don’t want him because he’s a cheater.

      He’s likely telling her that you two aren’t sleeping together and she’s also a chump who believes it. Poison that well, as well!

    • Just tell him to move out. It’s no longer your business WHERE he moves to. Talk to a lawyer first to know how pushing him out might affect you legally (some places are RIDICULOUS about ‘abandonment of the family home’, but if you are married and file for divorce because of adultery, that often doesn’t apply.)

      Then use whatever you think will work on him. For my cake-eating cheater, a step-by-step approach worked well (see my post above), for others it might be ‘I just find it too hard to keep living with you when you’re in love and investing in your relationship with someone else1’, which plays to their ENORMOUS egos. For others, informing the AP that he’s available will do the trick. Or bringing in your largest and meanest friends and family to hang out, be noisy, not give him the time of day and not let him near you. Or getting a lawyer to send him a letter. Or saying you think you’ll both recover better from this difficult situation and then later, if he wants, you can start to date again. or or or

      If you can or must, move out yourself. Before telling him that plan, discreetly remove from the house anything that is yours that is of value or important or has sentimental value, and store it elsewhere, somewhere he won’t guess and won’t have access. Again, talk to the lawyer about what you can legally take with you, and then err to the generous side towards yourself. If it turns out later that you should have left something with him or need to sell something and split the proceeds, you can do that … later.

      DO WHATEVER WORKS! You deserve to be able to protect YOU and to start to recover, and that can’t happen while he’s still hanging around.

      Don’t worry if what you’re doing feels manipulative or not entirely honest. As long as it’s LEGAL, remind yourself that he wasn’t concerned with honesty or not manipulating. You are in a crisis situation, and you need to get him OUT.

  • My Ex told my son and I he was moving 1,000 miles away because he got a 6 figure job. I already knew about the cheating (just). Anyone who really knew him would never have believed him, unfortunately he snowed everyone around him, family friends etc. I had already started taking important papers out of the house (taxes, copies of bills, the Christmas decorations I collected over 35 years etc). Seeing a lawyer and making a plan. He wanted everything to stay the same – having access to my credit cards (which he had kept maxed out for years), I would do the laundry get the groceries clean the house and work more than full time. ‘Nothing would change’ while we waited two months for him to leave. He needed time to sort thru the house to collect all his things. Obviously I told him no on the credit cards. Left him the gas card as he took care of our son (it was summer and he gave up his job 2 months before so he could ‘start a busies’).

    At the time our special needs son was just 14. He had a therapist to deal with feeling about his father. He was so pompous sitting there telling her about the job.(2 weeks from DDay) and the divorce filed (3 days later). He took three trips out moving his stuff. Sold a bunch of our stuff in the front yard. Stuff I didn’t want (he was a compulsive shopper /hoarder) and didn’t want to pay to get rid of it. It was the hardest two months of my life.

    I was lucky though – my boss let me use my office as a ‘war room’. Lucky it was a real office – I had all kinds of boxes under the desk, my doctor took me out of work as I wasn’t eating sleeping etc and they still let me use it. Once I had everything arranged I stopped being responsible to make dinner – took my son an i out, or I’d make things he didn’t like so much. Everything was signed just waiting for the judge to sign. One of my favorite memories is him eating a bowl of cereal for dinner as my son and I ate our leftovers from Texas Roadhouse.

    All these things said when my son went to bed I went to my bedroom and shut the door. I very much tried to have as little to do with him as possible. I cried a lot. I was amazingly depressed (dr medicated me). Tracy’s book got me through — I must have listened to it 30 times over the course of the two months. This blog was amazing too – I owe thanks to you all.

    It’s been two years since the divorce was final. I didn’t even think about the anniversary of that this year. Because of my son I have limited contact. As grey rock as I could go. I’m not at meh yet, COVID hasn’t helped. Hard to move on when you can’t leave your house.

    For those of you still living in hell with your fuckwit, remember it’s temporary. It may be months. Try to separate the real you from the one they see — hide your strength until you have everything ready. Make it quick as you can. My lawyer told me ‘there is a shelf life on guilt’. So very true. I wish I could hug you all….

  • Image must be the driver for them. Wanting to stay where you’re clearly not wanted is like a narcissist playbook maneuver. “NO ONE CAN KNOW HOW DISGUSTING I AM”. The mindfuck always has to have their narrative attached. ” Oh he’s crazy! I wasn’t doing anything wrong so I shouldn’t have to leave!!” “My name is on that house too!” . It was almost comical to watch her as her family members ( mostly frameless cousins she grew up with like sisters) grilled her about her “new boyfriend ” and “don’t you think it would hurt the kids doing that while you’re still married ?” Her denials were akin to when St. Peter denied Christ. Only no cock crowed . ( well it must have prior…lol..,see i can laugh about it now) .

  • >