What does this have to do with chumpdom, Tracy?
Oh everything, inner sarcastic voice.
Who set the bar for soppy What The Heart Wants romance? Why does every plot line include a woman happily! blissfully! giving up a financially remunerative career for cupcake decorating? Why must she pick me dance (in an elf costume) to win the affections of a sullen man who Just Doesn’t Understand X-mas?
IT’S PROPAGANDA PEOPLE!
So, today I’m writing a few Hallmark Christmas Channel plot lines. Feel free to do the same in the comments. Or tell me what holiday special gives you hives. (Frosty the Snowman? Does the magician REALLY see the error of his ways? Frosty, dude, he just tried to MELT YOU!)
Brandi spent 7 years in post-graduate study of nuclear engineering, but her heart was always in glitter glue. She returns to her home town for the holidays and bedazzles the local fire hall. Biff, a fireman, has loved Brandi since the 8th grade when she solved a quadratic equation for him. But alas, Brandi falls in love with Reginald, a property developer.
Reginald knows nothing of nuclear submarines or radioactive isotopes, but he does love glitter because he is secretly gay. He needs a beard, because he’s never left his conservative small town. Together they have four oblivious children and Brandi gets many, many nights alone with her glue gun.
Megan is a woman who lives in a snowy climate and yet appears to have no appropriate cold-weather attire. Is that a -20 degree wind whipping off Lake Michigan? Megan faces the winter squall in a perfectly pressed top coat that buttons at her navel. One day, while frozen in a snowbank, a kindly stranger discovers Megan’s crystalline form and offers her Gortex. Magic melting tears fall from her eyes in gratitude, and she says, “But it’s ugly.”
“That was a trick! And you have answered correctly! I could never love a woman who wears Gortex!” says the man.
“I will take you to my faux Georgian McMansion and wrap you in Talbot cashmere sweaters and you shall be my wife!”
With perfect lipstick Megan smiles yes. Words are not necessary, for this is a man who prefers his women silent and permafrosted.
Merry is a professional Christmas tree decorator. Yes, that is a thing. Suspend disbelief. How can she afford those knee high Frye boots? On her two-month a year salary! One day, she’s called upon to decorate a Christmas tree for a very Grumpy Important Man Who Hates Christmas. Why would a man who hates Christmas hire a tree decorator? Suspend disbelief.
Merry meekly enters his office to throw tinsel at pine boughs. “CAN’T YOU SEE I’M ON A VERY IMPORTANT CALL?” says the grumpy man.
Merry beams at him. Surely he will see how pretty the tree is, and how hard she works, and this will thaw his cold heart.
“YOU MUST LEAVE.”
“Sir, you just invited me in to decorate your office tree.”
“I AM A MINDFUCK. CLOSE THE DOOR!”
Spoiler alert: The grumpy man really doesn’t hate Christmas. He just loves everyone trying to cheer him up and then rejecting them. Merry tries to appease Mr. Scrooge for about 20 years, before dying of a stress-related illness. Whereupon Scrooge marries a much younger woman and constantly compares her to his departed wife.