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On the First Day of Christmas My Cheater Gave to Me…

In the earlier years of this blog, around the holidays, we’d play a game I called Freakmas, where we share our weirdest chump stories and I would draw the “winners” in cartoon form.

Thus we had dancing yetis, gifted boxes of Wheatena cereal, pagan scythes, psycho pillow munchers, and the unforgettable cheating husband hopping away in a sleeping bag.

The bar is HIGH for freaky stories here, CN!

While I’m afraid I have zero bandwidth to draw 12 cartoons, (sorry! Did you know WordPress is rolling out a new version in March and this site will break  if I don’t hire a Genesis coder stat? Such is the behind-the-scenes fun of running a blog…) I thought we could still have some fun playing a round of On The First Day of Freakmas.

What is the WEIRDEST detail of your story? Did you get a list of your faults on an Excel spreadsheet? Does the OW make art from fingernail clippings? Did anyone shoot a squirrel?

I know it’s hard to believe that insanity was once your life. So, let’s all wrap up the crazy with a bow and laugh at it. TGIF!

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at [email protected]. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • The weirdest thing was that the ex, while we were still married, would hide my vibrator and money from my dresser and when I found them missing he would say that our daughter probably took them.

    I would search the room and there it would be. Over and over and over.

    of all the things that happened I never expected that things would stop going missing when I had the courts lock him out.

    and now it makes sense because he was the only one that knew where that stuff was. He was trying to turn me against my kids. Against our kids. Who does that?

    • As a man I find it beyond strange and embarrassing and creepy that he would claim his own daughter was taking your vibrator.

    • I wouldn’t be surprised if he was using the vibrator on himself and put it in an obscure place because he wanted you to figure out that he was using it. To blame your kids though and stir the pot to create drama is a whole other level of narc fuckedupness!

      • He felt threatened by it. I was only “allowed” to have an egg type one. Never a phallic one. It was weird.

    • MC,

      They’ll blame anyone they can if it gets the heat off of them.

      Shortly after D-Day I found a litre bottle of vodka in our drinks cabinet had been emptied in a week and refilled with water. Ex-Mrs LFTT (who is a drunk) denied everything and then tried to blame our then 18 year old daughter who was just back from University.

      I pointed out two flaws in her argument: firstly, that daughter had only been back two days and was incapable of drinking that much that quickly and hiding it and; secondly, that the lipstick around the neck of the bottle was clearly Ex-Mrs LFTT’s shade and not her daughter’s.

      Sadly it was easier for Ex-Mrs LFTT to continue to try and blame our daughter than it was to admit that she might just have a drink problem ……. and I still don’t think that it is controversial to suggest that someone who regularly drinks room temperature vodka straight from the bottle has issues.


      • Dear LFFT,

        Not defending your XW here at all…but I am an alcoholic in recovery (35 years of recovery now).

        Cheating is repulsive and reprehensible; no issue there at all. I am hoping you will consider replacing “she’s a drunk” with “she’s an active alcoholic”. It’s a very serious, epidemic, and often fatal disease, and I am offended when it’s used as a negative slur. (Ouch.). It’s a another separate narrative than needs changing.
        I’m also a member of Al Anon, an indispensable resource if you have to have ongoing contact with her, especially if you have kids. (My daughter is in Alateen)

        Thanks for listening.


        • VH,

          Sorry if I used the wrong form of words … this event might have been 5 years ago, but it is still quite raw (as are many others); the issue wasn’t just her drinking, it was that she drank in secret and lied about it – as well as routinely getting drunk in social settings – and was in complete denial about the effect that it had on the kids and I.

          I pleaded with her to get help, only to have her deny everything and state that me being teetotal by choice is evidence that I have a drink problem.

          If “active alcoholic” covers this kind of situation, then that’s the one I will use in future.


          • Thanks LFTT..

            Your wife and everything you describe sounds like alcoholism to me. You describe classic symptoms.

            It’s a family disease that affects everyone in the family, and everyone around the alcoholic, as you likely experienced. I see a lot of linkage between cheaters and addiction/alcoholism in my years here.

            The good news is that, unlike other diseases, when those around the active drinker get help (Al Anon, therapy with a therapist who understands alcoholism and addiction), healing can be achieved, whether or not the alcoholic stops drinking. It’s the one thing you can do that may actually facilitate the alcoholic getting help, which be of invaluable benefit as you have a child together. At the very least, you will get tools which will be a huge benefit in life whether you have an alcoholic in your life or not (there are millions of us so you won’t be able to swing a cat without hitting us, so all the more better equipped for life you will be!)

            I can’t encourage strongly enough to check this out strongly enough, especially since you have a child. I can promise you from decades of experience you can’t lose.


            • VH,

              I have minimal contact with Ex-Mrs LFTT. The eldest two kids are now adults, have both graduated and are both working. They have little contact with their mother and manage what contact they do have in a manner that avoids them being exposed to her drinking. They will meet her for morning coffee, but are unlikely to accept an invitation for lunch and will never accept an invitation for dinner. They know what their mother is and this approach works for them … which I guess is all that I can hope for. Our youngest is now 17 and still lives with me. She sees very little of her mother by her choice and she flat refuses to attend any event at which her mother might drink …. no ifs and no buts.

              The bottom line is that I wish that Ex-Mrs LFTT’s’ alcoholism was the only problem impacting on her relationship with our children. Sadly this is not the case, but I will bear your advice in mind.


              • Both my parents were alcoholics as well, as was
                my older sister…I belong to ACA (Adult Children of Alcoholics) too…. the effects are profound and insidious even if we are now adults, divorced, or otherwise no longer living with the parent or spouse.

                I have not been in contact with my mother or sister for many years…my dad died of a heart attack at 55 (alcohol related) But the effects are still there and it’s great to have resources for dealing with them.


              • Echo to the value of Al-Anon, even years later. Adult Child of Alcoholic, here, and I found so much healing.

        • Mine stole my car in the middle of the night to go see his side piece for a side piece. I got a friend to take me to get my car back. As he had alienated all his friends by this time, he had to call his Mommy to come get him.

        • Amen! Lifesaver!

          If there’s anything I’ve said here that anyone likes, that’s one of the places I learned it.

        • I went to Al-anon exactly 3 times. Made the mistake of telling X where I was going and he gave me total hell until I quit. He didn’t like that I was talking about his abusiveness and addiction.
          The group didn’t really seem to welcome me, but I wanted to stick with it and see if things improved. In the end, it wasn’t worth it for all the crap ex threw at me over it.

    • I always kept my vibrator very clean. After I filed for divorce and got a restraining order against my ex, I left the county for my children’s safety. When the court stated that the house was mine, I returned to it and found that my vibrator had all kinds of dried up p**** juice on it. So disgusting that a woman would allow him to use it on her, and then not even have the decency to wash it. Guess I’m kind of glad, though, as I knew to throw it out.

  • The weirdest thing was that he fell for a hooker and she saw him as gullible. He said he didn’t think of her as a hooker, he actually told her he loved her yet paid money to fuck her for three years!

  • He gave me a new “budget” to use since he was leaving. Funny, I’m doing better financially now than ever did with him in charge of the finances. Newbies, my advice, go see a good financial planner. You’ll be amazed how quickly you can save money without RH and some good investing!

  • I am blonde, blue-eyed, Caucasian. The OW, found on Craigslist in Casual Encounters (according to him) is a Chinese national. He told me, “I’ve always been attracted to Asian women but never acted on it because my parents wouldn’t have approved.” (My apologies to any Asian chumps for that sickening dose of racism). This was news to me after 27 years with him.

    She started using my last name on one of her multiple Facebook pages and posted selfies wearing blue contact lenses.

    Then while secretly living with her, our daughter caught him on Tinder with Amanda. Blonde, blue-eyed Amanda.

    Then Craigslist “Sole Mate” caught him going to the illicit Asian massage parlors.

    I don’t believe for one split second that cheating is a happiness problem.

    • Velvet Hammer, I am 6’ 2”, blonde hair, blue eyed man. My XW went after short, fat and balding Mexicans. Why???

      • My ex-wife went for a guy who was a heavy smoker, an alcoholic, drug addict, habitually unemployed, extremely abusive and controlling, and surfed the web for same sex partners, and who was disbarred from practicing law because of stalking and abusing clients. Big upgrade, right?

        • Love is blind don’t you know? (sarcasm)

          My ex went for a factory worker who was a thick as a brick and packed widgets in boxes. She lived at home with mummy in the UK equivalent of a trailer park.

          Another big upgrade from a professional businesswoman (more sarcasm)

        • My ex went for a Russian woman he met online. Do not imagine a tall thin ballet dancer, because that’s not what she was. Rather, a plain middle-aged frumpy woman with pants. To this day, I don’t know what he saw in her. Finally she preferred a widow with a house on the Riviera.

      • I’m 5’6″ and 120 pounds. The OW was 150-200 pounds. In my case I think it was a fetish. He was forever trying to get me to gain weight and “joking” that he’d cheat on me with a chubby girl if I didn’t. In your case maybe she thought she’d get more compliments on her looks (read: narcissistic supply) with a less conventionally attractive man. I say “conventionally attractive” because while baldness and weight issues are almost universally considered unattractive on a man, I don’t see what race or coloring has to do with it. There are plenty of Latinos that I find attractive and many Anglos I don’t.

        • Some of us had a crush on Yul Brynner when we were young, and to this day find shiny clean bald heads quite appealing!

        • One of my exes joked that if I kept losing weight “he’d have to be a better boyfriend”. I was shocked, really. I asked him if he really thought it was okay to be selfish and lazy when I was fat, because he certainly wasn’t doing me any favors by hanging around. After we broke up he moved in with a much heavier single mom of two kids. Apparently she was grateful enough for him.

      • Sirchumpalot

        It really doesn’t matter.
        Everyone has a “ type”- but it’s relevant when u are in ur teenage years/20’s. I have fallen in love with my husband because of the character traits he was bombarding me with ( yes, yes…. converted extremely intelligent narc can play the game for years) not because of his looks.
        But this was LOVE – not lust.
        Love requires certain maturity, while lust is just an “ easy peasy fun time”
        If your w went after another guy- it was related to lust not love, so… ????
        I’m a blonde blue eyed fit woman – my h was after any willing women or a hooker. It didn’t matter to him. It took me forever to feel good about myself, to separate his fucked up actions from my self esteem ( he was putting me down, especially after our kids were born, and stupid me was pick me dancing all the way)
        Take care of yourself

    • I always had the good job that paid for everything. He left me for a slob who could drink a litre of whiskey in one sitting. Latest schmoopie seems to be a serial husband collector!

    • OMG, same here. I’m blondish/brunettey (depending on the hair color choice 🙂 ) blue-eyed caucasian. His married ho-worker is also a Chinese national. I’m like “Asian, what?” as he never showed any attraction. He said “That’s part of it”. She wouldn’t leave her husband for him and now he’s with a less-attractive version of me. WTF? Guess Asian for him is the secret part. Feel sorry for the new chump as I doubt this pattern hasn’t stopped. 27 years too.

      For me it was the CDs he asked me to get him for Christmas. He knew the artist and song titles. I did some research, listened to them and thought they were good so I bought them for him. He was happy to get them and then put them in his car. I asked to listen to them and he said that it’s not my type of music. Turns out the ho-worker would play them in her car at lunch during their “extra-curricular” meetings.

      • That’s a special twist of the knife, isn’t it?

        My ex liked these particular trendy dress shirts at a certain store. They matched his skinny nut-hugger pants I guess. (????) He sent me there to check if they had any more and buy them for him if they did. He was fucking a coworker the whole time and sending me out for his trendy clothes to presumably impress her. I often wonder if that was purposeful or just another part of him being a (yet having no) dick.

        • At one point I got him clothes so he’d stop dressing like a gigolo half his age –a trend that mysteriously began during Fuckfest-2018. I was concerned for his professional image because of a rash of industry layoffs.

          What is it with cheaters and the out-of-fashion-since-2010 skinny stretch pants and button-buckling 3% elastane H&M shirts that pill and look ratty after one wash? Are provincial shmoopie fashion tastes all the same? Don’t shmoops and cheaters CARE about the dire environmental and labor issues involved with fast fashion? (duh, nooo)

          • OMG yes!!!!! They were exactly those. They were like some poly button down shirts with the little loops to hold up the rolled up sleeves. These were almost a thin corduroy material that caught everything! Lint, cat hair….I will forever think of this as “the cheater’s uniform.”

    • My ex hb’s ex gf that he kept around our entire relationship was Asian in her ancestry and the entire time he dated her before meeting me he didn’t tell a single person about her.

      He liked Asians (he’s a white guy) but what would his friends/family/church think?

      But she also apparently never figured out that him never acknowledging her to anyone was a huge red flag.

      She also didn’t think that highly of marriage…she was on her 5th when I found out about her and was still carrying on with him.

      I know he’s still talking to her and also that he still hasn’t told anyone about her, and he’s known her close to 20 years.

    • I used to have a joint Facebook account with my ex. I closed it out before our divorce. His new girlfriend recently re-opened it, changed my name to hers, and changed all of our pictures to hers and his. She also dyed her hair blonde like me (she is brunette). Absolutely psycho.

  • During my Chumphistoric Period, we went out to dinner and a live performance with a group of 12 friends. I normally held her hand from car but for some reason, she quickly walked way in front of me.

    I was treating my Ho-Ho like a queen….walking across a crowded room multiple times, waited in line for drinks, carried them without spilling. All she had to do is sit there, drink, text and enjoy the show.

    Fast forward a few months, I found out she was texting her Bro-worker during that night…..all night.

    Paraphrasing, she stated to him “Just as I predicted…..he bolted from the car, drank at the bar with his buddies all night, barely paid attention to me”

    He replied something like “well your house seems to only have 1 bad egg”

    I never met this lowlife asshole…..I wonder how he got that impression of me?

    My disgusting STBXW obviously (and I have 100% proof) was telling him lies.

    I am the bad egg treating the scag queen to drinks!

    • You made me realise I have some very similar experiences but with my… sister. She’s a serial cheater herself, I’ve been in low contact for many years as I don’t accept cheating. She’s one of these narcs that are A+ on paper but do abusive things in the dark.

      Her past boyfriends and now ex husband (all cheated on) had always a bad opinion of me and I always blamed myself for being a lousy person, and felt very self conscious around them. One of her exes told me once though, out of nowhere, that I’m not that bad actually. I remembered that but never actually understood the hidden context.

      Fast forward to last year, my sister is having a new OM, I ignore all the stories she texts me but one really triggered me: ‘OM thinks you’re such a millenial’.

      He had never met me, he still hasn’t. It’s a guy who cheats on his wife, parties and drinks till he loses control, plays video games and collects action figures (I have nothing against the last two, it’s just more millenial-like than my entire being).

      When I asked her based on what, she couldn’t answer.

      I slowly realised that my sister has been painting some weird picture of me behind my back my entire life. Painful.

      • I had the same experience with an extended family member. Triangulation and “splitting”– BPD?

        • A fews months after dday my brother’s wife told me I got what was coming to me. WTF??? Her 1st marriage ended due to her husband cheating on her. I told her to stay out of my life. Haven’t heard from my brother in almost 10 years. Can only guess ex got to them with his narrative before I did.

    • That is horrible! I had a similar experience, and now I’m the enemy that STBX and whore both love to hate. Funny thing is – I don’t do anything at all to them. Literally there is no contact. They just hate my guts and like to spread shit about me. I found emails just pre D-Day that was like yours – I was painted as a lame bitch who sat around the house doing nothing but being a control freak and making his life hell. The truth was quite the opposite, including that I would make his coffee and bring it to him every morning. Then just after D-Day the emails turned more dark, such as, they talked about my mental health and how I was insane and needed help. You can’t make this shit up.

      • This story is strangely similar to mine. From the accusations of sitting around to the whispers about my own mental health.
        If I were still with him today, I’m 95% sure I’d be in a mental institution right now. That’s one place to stuff a wife appliance who is getting too mouthy.
        And he’d be the suffering, noble, dutiful husband who has to Deal With So Much… ????

    • Reminds me of the last Valentine’s Day I had with Ex-H about 5 mos. prior to Dday. I was begging to go to a John Mellencamp concert which happened to be on Vday. His work schedule varied so I didn’t want to buy the tickets arrange for the babysitter unless I knew for sure he could go. He finally bought the tickets last minute and I took care of the rest of the details including finding a place to eat dinner where reservations weren’t needed. Dinner was just a burger bar but something felt off. We get to the concert and he starts drinking. So on a Tuesday night, he gets pretty buzzed at the concert bar missing some of the songs, and then I get to drive us home. Even Mellencamp couldn’t save that Valentine’s Day. Turns out Ex was several months possibly years into his affair at that point.

  • Ok, this was truly weird. I had just discovered (right about this time of year 5 years ago) that he was cheating on me by routinely visiting sex workers (????) and I had fled to my daughter’s apartment. I was not answering his calls and he left me a voicemail saying that he had gone to the doctor and “I’ve been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer. And it’s a particularly virulent form.” Well, of course I immediately called him back and he said, “No, I made that up. I needed you to call me back.” People have told me that never mind the cheating, that phone call was enough reason to run and never look back!

    • Uh yeah. That’s emotional manipulation on a huge scale. It is NEVER ok to fake an emergency just to get someone to call.

    • Ali, I, also, got a fake terminal cancer story in order for my ex to get me to pay attention to her. I can’t imagine ever pretending something so horrible in order to manipulate someone.

      • Traveling the World: Wow, never thought I would have this weird story in common with someone else! Thanks for sharing that!

      • After I left my abusive ex and began to move on with someone else (which he knew about because he is a stalker), he called me and told me he had AIDS!

        He did not have AIDS or HIV but that was an awful, awful time in my life waiting to get tested.

  • I experienced some weird stuff….most of it is out of the memory bank until something happens and I’m reminded of it (thank you PTSD????). I’m years removed so I comfortable in my own skin saying I’m ok with not remembering and having triggering moments that make me remember (I don’t react negatively anymore so now it’s a win/win). Anywho….some of the craziest things he did is:

    1. He would sneak over to sumo wrestler sidepieces house for a booty call while we were asleep. She was literally right next to us. I woke up several times in the middle of the night and wouldn’t be able to find him anywhere. I would act like I was going back to bed for him to crawl into bed hours later (like at 2 & 3am). One night I confronted him and he said he had to check on his trailer that he pulled behind his truck. Of which I replied, “WOW! It takes 2 hours to check on a trailer that is hitched to your truck, has no equipment on it and you can see from our window.” He then proceed to act like he didn’t hear me and pretended to fall asleep.

    2. I found a very large pair of leopard print panties stuffed in our couch. At the time, I was very petite (almost sickly) due to his barrage of ridicules saying my thighs looked like they had been beaten with a bag of nickels. When I asked him whose panties they were he said they had to be mine or his sisters. I replied “I’m a size 2 and these are a 14 so they aren’t mine and your sister hasn’t stayed with us in over 2 years. She didn’t just magically appear and stuff a size 14 scandalous pair of panties in our couch that I’ve cleaned many times since she stayed with us last. He once again didn’t say anything and just kept doing what he was doing.

    The Karma: He married Sumo Wrestler Sidepiece and a couple of years after it came out she was beating him on a regular basis (she lived up to her name). He proceeded to divorce her after she got really abusive and the police were called. Even though they are divorce he still allows her to control his life and they hook up all the time. It is really twisted and weird.

    • Oh I had the sneaking out in middle of night with my STBXW. I’d wake up at 1am or so and she would be gone and car gone. She came back at 5am and I said where the hell where you and she said she had been sat in the Walmart car park all night. Ok, in the middle of winter in Wisconsin when it was minus 400. Went on for months with her sneaking out. Or the text she received from her friends boyfriend threatening to expose her lover. That message was apparently for someone else.

      • At least you were smart enough that she had to sneak :).

        My ex just told me he was going out to ride around on patrol with one of the guys. I would say, ok be careful. When I figured it all out, the urge to kill was strong.

      • A random grocery run to something like Festival Foods would almost be believable. Walmart is scary enough during daylight and it’s gotta be even worse after midnight. Cheaters get lazy with their lies. I remember commenting on the new sheets at our 2nd home which he primarily stayed at during the work week. Claimed he saw them on Walmart run and figured they were nice. Later on I saw those same sheets in the Amazon order history.

    • Size 14 isn’t sumo size, though… I get that you dislike the woman, but that’s not why she was morally corrupt. There are plenty of women in that size that are wonderful human beings, same as “Toothpick” women in your size can be awful. No need for weight attacks, imo…

      • Yes, I think we all need to be careful when disparaging the physical appearances of the AP. Plenty of wonderful spouses were left for someone more conventionally attractive than them and it means absolute zip. There are a lot of things about the AP’s looks that leave me scratching my head, but they’re not what make her a shitty person.

        • That’s true, but this is a place for betrayed folks to vent. It isn’t like, any of us, or at least most of us would say it to the OW/OM.

          • Oh fuck the APs, I’m more trying to spare any betrayed spouses on here who happen to be a size 14, have tattoos, piercing, going bald, etc from feeling put down. I certainly think the AP in my situation looks trashy and didn’t hesitate saying so but I hesitate with specifics on here because it might describe the appearance of someone on here who has very raw feelings.

            • Thank you.

              I’m a betrayed spouse who is larger than a size 14, and the fat-shaming on here is very difficult to reconcile with the support I get from other members. Those who disparage the affair partner’s looks are rare and venting; I get that. But a woman who will fuck a married man is morally bankrupt; it doesn’t madder whether she’s a model or a dumpy older woman who looks (in some poster’s opinion) like trash. The problem isn’t in her looks; it’s in her lack of character.

              I’ve said the same thing once before — not nearly as well as you said it — and have been repeatedly put down for it. The problem is not what the other woman looks like on the outside — it’s the lack of integrity on the inside.

              • My two cents; the insults to APs and fuckwits reflect the qualities that OW and fuckwits would be most insulted by. They aren’t ashamed about their shit character, but as the shallow puddles they are, insulting them based on looks would sting. An insult isn’t effective without the sting, so even if they’re just used on here or in our own minds, the stingers can feel more satisfying than character based insults. It doesn’t mean the person has anything against overweight people, short people, or whatever.
                I saw upthread that another poster didn’t like a fuckwit being called a drunk and there was another disagreement about identifying a fuckwit as trans. There have also been disagreements about supposed slut-shaming in the past. This is the one place where we can just let these scum have it, so can we try not to take insults to cheaters and their sidepieces personally?
                For example, my fuckwit’s OW was unhappy with her thick thighs. Now, I have nothing against people with thick thighs, but knowing she didn’t like that about herself, an insult based on it would be more satisfying than one based on her character, which she doesn’t care about.
                We chumps all seem to agree that it’s character that matters, but cheaters and APs invariably don’t feel the same way. Insults about things that don’t matter to the target aren’t effective.

              • It is pretty much about raw pain–we want to latch onto any visible flaw in the affair partner. That’s normal. My ex’s OW was 13 years younger than I, but I was still a very attractive 40. She was petite, had big boobs, and a horse face. ???? I was never threatened by her; it was my HUSBAND who betrayed me. HE is who I was hurt by. She was just a little insignificant nothing to me.

          • Agreed. The part of the story I focused on was that the panties were so much bigger than her size she knew they could not be hers or his sisters. You lose self esteem when your spouse/sig other cheats, and IMHO it is normal to find ways to look at them critically. People need to be given the benefit of the doubt to vent here. It can be shocking to find that whatever your spouse supposedly preferred about you (coloring of hair, eyes, height, weight, etc.) are the opposite or much different in AP.

            • Yep.

              OW and the FWs are both fair game. They showed us the utmost disrespect, in most cases the OW right along with the FW. I never said anything to my ex about the whore’s looks, but I did refer to her as “your whore” a couple times. Not loudly, or even in a fight. As in, please leave; you got your whore, now go be happy.

              Funny thing was, he never denied her whoreness. I could tell it stung him, but he didn’t deny it.

              The other time was when he said something about he couldn’t get the feelings back for me. I said don’t worry about me, when I am ready for a man who wants me, I am sure I won’t have any trouble finding one, and since I am not a whore; mine won’t be married. That one hit the target right in the center.

              Keep in mind I didn’t know who the whore was at that time. He wouldn’t tell me. When I found out she was the 35 year old, short, fat, little toad, of a dog catcher; instead of the sexy 20 something I imagined, I didn’t know whether to be relieved or highly insulted. Probably a little of both.

              I have no issue with her now; she did me a favor; and it has been a long time. but this site is to help newly wounded betrayed; so I give them a pass, and I will help them if I can. They don’t need lectures when most other folks are trying to blame them for abuse leveled at them.

            • I believe that my ex thought she was beautiful from the view of the top of her head.

      • Brie….I get it! I was a size 16 at one time. I withered away to a size 2 after years of abuse and him insisting I was obese even when I was a size 2, so if your going to be sensitive about something pick a different topic. She earned her name because she was very aggressive and physically assaulted me and then ultimately him. I’m sure your smoochie nick names aren’t the most kosher either and you have good reason why they aren’t. I’m not judging your experiences not knowing every grueling detail justifying your feelings and descriptions. So do me a favor and don’t judge mine. I’m sure if you went through the YEARS of abuse that I went through you would have some perspective laugh about it and move on.

        • I get you. I got lectured once about what I called the whore. I will call her what I want. I do it mostly now for the fun of it, as in real time there was no outlet for me, and honestly I was in so much shock and pain; I never gave her much thought when it was going down, as she was just the next whore in line.

          I had struggled with my weight my entire life. I kept it under control by starving and exercising. Not just for him, but because of health reasons. Then he left me for a woman who was short and fat. His and quite frankly her treatment of me was horrific. But, not the worst thing to happen. Several years later he and she treated my son like shit. Now I am really pissed.

          If I had CN in real time, I might not have had to have years of buried anger at myself for being such a blind idiot. I had not given him or her any thought for years, until they hurt my son, now they get my wrath.

          I also found the courage to finally tell my brother how he treated me, I had kept it hidden because before CN and a couple other sites, I didn’t know that it was common; I thought it was just me, and I was embarrassed by it.

          The only one who knew of the full story of abuse was/is my husband.

          To quote one of my favorite posters, FW and his “rat faced whore” can rot in hell, or not; makes no difference to me.

  • It’s been 5 weeks of no contact from me, despite weeks of cards, emails, phone messages from an unknown number, drive bys to my home, even chocolates and flowers with notes “hoping to spend Thanksgiving together.” Yesterday, he left a box for me at a friend’s house with Xmas gifts… but all I want is to enjoy some peace & quiet.

    • Yup, I had gifts left on my doorstep for several years. But every time we had to talk I was reminded of who he really is.

    • That is MIGHTY, Dodgedabullet! (And tell your friend to drop the box of gifts at Goodwill or a local charity, and to stop accepting things/messages for you! Triangulation and image-management!)

  • Hey CL — might you do us a favor and devote one of these “Days of Xmas” to a summary posting of the comments you refer to each year at this time?

    I’m thinking a column highlighting the “best of the weird” comments, along with a link back to the article in the archives that featured it.

    I know myself, I put in a good amount of search time to find the first references to the dancing blue yeti and the “spongebob squarepants” parrot episode. (I’m still not familiar with the pillow muncher.) Time well spent, to be sure — but for those of us who weren’t around in the early days and are curious when the references keep coming up, it sure would be nice to find them in their ‘original state.’

    • I agree. My D-Day was around this time last year and I didn’t discover CN until the summer, so I have no idea what CL is talking about.

  • D-Day #1 was 2 months before Christmas. For the first Christmas after D-Day #1, my cheater bought me sexy Christmas lingerie as a gift for “me.” Note that I have never in my life ever wanted, worn, or asked for lingerie. And he ordered it through Amazon and had it delivered to my office. At the time, we also ordered our office supplies from Amazon. My paralegal, who didn’t check the box, opened said sexy Mrs. Claus outfit and I was completely mortified and traumatized. Again. And he didn’t understand why this was an inappropriate “gift” for “me.”

    • I should also mention that at the time that he sent the postage-stamp sized Sexy Claus outfit to me, I was 20 weeks pregnant with a very unexpected pregnancy (had been in treatment for infertility previously and was told I would not be able to get pregnant without IVF). So I felt doubly shitty – newly chumped, feeling like crap physically and not too hot about how I looked (was pick-me-dancing with a much smaller OW), and then I get the teeniest lingerie in the world. You know, as a gift for “me.”

      My co-workers were horrified on my behalf. My therapist was also horrified.

  • December 11 and fuck wit free.
    It’s glorious and I have had some very very happy days.
    Merry Christmas everyone!

  • Two weird things that he said after D-Day come to mind. They are sexually related and not funny. Just gross.

    “I was up all night writing a primer for your next sexual partner so he’ll know how to please you.”

    “If you never have sex again and are on your deathbed, I’ll come by to have sex with you.”

    • Spinach – my STBX “sex addict” said stuff like this to me. All. The. Time. Including the death bed thing – he asked me if he was lying on his death bed if I would play with his penis if I asked him. Even when thinking about death, these freaks are only concerned about one thing. Good riddance.

      • I mistyped – he asked me if I would play with his penis if he was laying on his death bed and HE asked me to play with it.

        I don’t know how to edit my original comment. Yikes. I would *NEVER* ask to play with his dick. Not ever!!

        • ShePersisted, that comment is insane. On his death bed, he ought to be thinking of others, not asking to have his wiener schnitzel stroked. Total freak.

          • I was thinking this is the weirdest so far, and it just might be the cartoon.

            There is something about death and the end of the world with my FW too. Last time we spoke he was, yet again, talking about the end of the world, and we could see the end of the world together. Don’t know if he was trying to be romantic? But he certainly has not made any moves to set up our lives together to see the end of the world together, so why even bother saying it to me?

            • I know I know someone is going to ask why are you even talking to FW. I was one of those that just could not do no contact. I just couldn’t. I was always calling or texting him, I even begged him multiple times to come back. But we divorced anyway because how can you stay married to a man who has a girlfriend.

              I have 75 days no contact now! And my Divirce was official february 2020. I want you to know that some of you will have false starts snd fall back and contact, but there is a way out and it will happen for you. 75 days is the longest no contact i have with him since DDay of january 27 2018. It was 75 days ago that he said we could spend the end of the world together. Hmmm where the heck is he? Pretty much stamps the trust that he sucks label.

              • This obsession with death is interesting to me. In part, my ex used it to justify the affair. His father died at 67; he’s convinced he’ll follow suit, so why not grab life (quite literally) by the pussy? I think that was one of his cheating rationales.

                He used to talk about his own death so much that I wanted to die first to prove to him that he was wrong that he would die first. I took it up in a spirit of competition: “I’ll show you!” Crazy, I know!

                One of his best friends told me that my ex talked about death all the time while at work.

                Is this a common cheater obsession?

    • Good grief.

      Oh well, at least he figured you would have a next partner. I think my fw assumed I would spend the rest of my life pining for him. I doubt he could even imagine me with another partner. He was wrong. Also, the new guy didn’t need any help.

    • That’s beyond weird. Their self-righteousness is so great that they think not only do you need HIM to literally write instructions for your next partner, but that you’d accept and actually show said next partner this primer written by your ex.


  • It neglected to tell me his father had died that morning as he didn’t want to spoil my weekend getaway with friends so off I went. In reality, his biggest concern was that I was going to cancel, he was flying in one of his old mistresses to rekindle the flame and didn’t want to miss out. I discovered this after DDay during a marriage police investigation where I saw he sent her flowers. When I saw the date I thought I must be mistaken as it was right after his dad died. A couple more deep dives and I found the plane ticket he/I bought her, the receipts for the hotel, and a love letter from her talking about what a wonderful weekend it was. This is why we call him It.

    • It also booked another romantic weekend getaway for her, accompanying him to pick up some items his dad left him in his will. I guess I should count myself lucky that my repeated requests for It to plan a trip for us never panned out. ????

  • Please excuse the scatological reference so early in the morning…..
    I don’t remember any weird Christmas gifts, but my passive aggressive covert narcissist ex had a bad habit of “forgetting” to flush the toilet after having a BM. I would come in and find a “gift” — often one that had been fermenting for hours. Disgusting.

    What middle class man in the 21st century, raised with indoor plumbing, “forgets” to flush? One with utter distain for his wife. I am ashamed to say I put up with it for so long….

    • My ex, also a passive aggressive covert narc, did something like this, too. In his case, he would leave shit splashes up on the rim of the toilet, and near the end, this escalated and actually left smears on the toilet seat. I took a picture of that, so I could look at it in case I ever regretted leaving him. He would also fart loudly in my presence, because he knew it bothered me. Sometimes he would then glance over, put on a a little boy voice, and say, “Sow-wy.” All part of his passive aggressive campaign to show his disrespect and convince me to leave him–because of course I had to make the decision so he could play sad sausage.

      • Adelante – I can relate. Ex FW was an active alcoholic and would WRECK the toilet daily! After dday I kicked him out of the bedroom. He came to wreck the toilet in the master bath right next to the bed. I confronted him as he came out naked from the waist down. He was soooo drunk, he shit his pants. He farted all over the house with NO REGARD for me. Even in my office while I worked from home. As I told him to GTFO I told him to clean up his shit mess. He looked shocked. He was GROSS!!! I hope his young little stripper ho enjoys his stench. I haven’t missed it.

          • Toward the end I got the farting and refusing to shower or even wash his stinky feet before bed. Told me just how much the “sex addict in recovery” felt about me and our marriage.

            • Same here! What is it with them and their poo?He would do crazy things. And they were supposedly accidents, or he didn’t notice.

              Accidents are possible, especially when sick. But my accidents NEVER involved the wall!

              Normal people don’t continue to wear sh** stained khakis for years, to work?!?!

              I hate to discuss this subject, but it is just so bizarre to learn that other chumps had to deal with it.

              I often think some of their actions are so grotesque and unbelievable that our minds can’t handle it. So the mind just files it under “normal behavior”.


              • I love my ex sister-in-law. Her husband cheated on her multiple times. Before doing so, he was so abusive, he actually shat in their marital bed. I don’t know how she got past that alone, even before the cheating. He is still with him. I pray for her.

              • Wiser now, that is beyond disturbing. It reminds me of cats or dogs when they go on your bed or in your shoe because they are mad. Is it the same type of thing? Except horrifying because unlike dogs and cats, he has words. Unbelievable. I will pray for her too!

    • He had to live with his own disgusting toilet/ bathroom when I left.
      It was bad bad.


  • He gave me a priest calling me up after Dday 3 telling me to let hm stay in our house and to “treat him like a dust bunny or a piece of lint.” And our marriage counselor calling to tell me I should let him come back into the house for a day every two weeks. They are that good at manipulating even so called professionals.

  • While in the midst of a 13 month pick me dance back in 2017, my ex suddenly announced that we have nothing in common and so our marriage can’t work. When I asked for an example, he said that I don’t like amusement park and he loves them. Ummm. My husband, an accountant in his mid-40s, who hadn’t been to an amusement park in 20 years, was suddenly lamenting his great loss of not going to amusement parks.

    Huh?!? Scratching my head. I pointed out how for three years I had been trying to get him to agree to a trip to Disney World with no commitment from him. Then, I reminded his how I suggested the summer below that we go to Six Flag resort because it was closer and cheaper. No go. Also, told him how I could not recall even one single time that he said he was passionate for amusement parks.

    Grasping at straws, he expressed his disappointment that we didn’t go to Universal when we vacationed in Florida. It was a trip we had taken 14 years before when we were si gle. We stayed with his grandmother. He never once said that was what he wanted to do as he had gone every year growing up when he visited his grandparents. Instead we did things in Florida he had never done before, partied in Miami, crocodiles in the Everglades, visit to NASA.

    But the issue of amusement parks had become so dire in his psyche that he was so convinced it meant there was no future for us.

    It wasn’t until he left to be with the OW that I discovered his secret email account and printed a binder full of emails detailing their 21 month relationship that I read his account to her of when he realized she was the love of his life. It was the day that they were at Canada,so Wonderland (major amusement park in Toronto) when he cracked his “don’t give a shit” joke and she laughed so hard she rolled on the grass. I learned that date took place 18 months before he left for good.

    That’s it. An almost 15 year relationship, two kids, a cottage on a lake and several European trips could not compete with the memory of an amusement park and a bad joke.

    • This sounds like the tedious, gormless, typical reality of cheater logic. It is hard for a cheater to justify betraying a partner who raises kids, hosts in-laws graciously, attends to domestic concerns, brings home a pay check, and a dozen other things. So, they make up some ridiculous story about a disappointment from decades earlier or make a disagreement about something as mundane as the way the toilet paper roll unspools into grounds for infidelity.

      Congratulations on your freedom!

      • Yes! Grasping at straws to find something- anything to excuse their actions. Do you want to know what I did to ruin our marriage?
        On our honeymoon I tried to pull him away from a scam artist posing as a tour guide.
        Therefore, I didn’t trust him to navigate our honeymoon and it was all downhill from there.
        I don’t argue with him any more. Even in the face of irrefutable evidence (like the refusal of Disney and Six Flags as stated above) they make up their own lie and won’t be dissuaded from it.

    • What kind of alleged adult would even claim to have kiddie amusement parks as an “interest”? They never grow up.

      The common interests excuse from cheaters is 100% a giant crock of shit. What is really missing is common *values*. They have no values and we do. I suspect they envy us for it in a perverse sort of way.

      I hope your ex falls off a rollercoaster and breaks off half his dick, then is told he’s too short to ride.

    • It did the same thing to me. It would hook up with an OW (there were many) and later when I caught up with the years of texts from its formerly hidden burner phone, emails, etc. I realized that every time it would come up with a stupid “You don’t go scuba diving,” it always aligned with it finding another side piece. You know what it never did with ANY of them? Scuba dive! Do you know who took 2 years of swimming lessons and got scuba certified for FW and it never ONCE took diving? This chump right here. BUT… FW never got to say that I don’t scuba dive anymore.

      And for the record, I hate swimming and scuba diving but genuinely thought it had a real need for us to do this together. But no. He hasn’t gone diving in over 12 years. He was trying to scrape up a reason why we were just incompatible. It was its justification to itself that we were not well paired. It had nothing to do with scuba. We aren’t well paired because it’s a FW and I’m not.

      • Little different example but similar. My FW’s only complaint about me on Dday was, I wasn’t a good enough house keeper. I cooked for him, did his laundry, ironed (yes ironed) his shirts, my housekeeping is not spit shiner standard, but certainly livable, I worked full time, did all the volunteer worked he asked of me, to help his career; but hey I didn’t pass the white glove test, so off to the trash heap with me after 21 years. We could have hired a weekly house cleaner for the money he blew on his adultery partner.

        So you would think schmoopie was a spit shiner, because after all that was why he left; nope. Now I have never seen her house; but I know folks who have including my son and daughter in law and per them, in comparison I am a spit shiner. My son and his wife bought their house when he and schmoopie filed bankruptcy. I went to visit soon after they moved in. My daughter in law had most of it cleaned up, but had not gotten to the cabinets yet, the cabinets in the kitchen were covered in grease.

        On Dday I imagined him walking into this small house to schmoopie; (remember he wouldn’t tell me who she was) and giving her a loving hug whilst all around them was the glimmer and sheen of a sparkling home. Then I found out it was the short fat toad of a dog catcher; who evidently was a far worse house keeper than I was.

        Lol, my fw is a fucking lying asswipe, and he is living in her (and his) filth today. I love when FW’s get exactly what they want.

  • The last Christmas we were together as I was preparing family dinner, he showered, dressed and walked out of the kitchen door. I said “where are you going? It’s Christmas?” He said “going to a party and you can do what you have to do”. Left me and our son alone on that terrible day.

    • Last New Year’s Eve, FW flew out of state to “visit old friends.” Actually, he left on the 30th. As he was packing to go, our neighbors who invite everyone to party texted me asking if we would like to come over for NYE. My 4 year old and I attended without him. Bless my neighbors, they don’t hold back. “What kind of man leaves his wife and child and goes flying off somewhere for New Year’s?” It was the talk of the neighborhood. A few weeks on we were invited to a Super Bowl party. FW came along and they grilled him. “What was so important that you left your family behind and flew out of state over New Year’s?” He mumbled something about seeing old friends from high school and they rolled their eyes and said, “OK.” They all saw through him from then on. FW is so stupid, he thinks they are all his friends. I’m so glad I was honest and didn’t cover for him. He showed his true colors and I found I have a lot of support and offers of help I never would have approached before.

  • Freakmas story #99: during fake wreconciliation when XH was getting off on me, his loyal wife of 25 years, and at least two APs pick me dancing for him, he promised to “recommit” to me and come home to me and our severely traumatized and suicidal kids, if I signed a behavior contract he drafted. XH is a corporate lawyer. I knew it was ludicrous but was willing to do anything to “save” my family and marriage. One of the promises I made was to “never criticize and always speak softly” to X. Irony was that until Dday, I don’t think I raised my voice to him more than a handful of times in 25 years! He said that I made him cheat because I “never accepted” him and “made him feel inadequate!” WTF?! If so, why was I the one loyal and true and begging him to come back and stop abusing me and the kids.

    Just writing this makes me have a sick feeling in my stomach. It’s beyond belief. XH presented this contract to me when our 15 year old was on the psych ward after a serious suicide attempt after he threatened her for years if she told me about her discovery of his affairs.

    I actually wondered if I was losing my mind because I thought I loved him dearly and I thought I was sweet natured. Recently I was watching some old home videos and in every one, even when I didn’t know XH was filming us, I WAS sweet and loving. I was so excited: here is proof I remembered how I was correctly! I’m not losing my mind. Gas lighting really is damaging!

    Heinous and evil. Thank God Xh didn’t come back even when I agreed to this ridiculous “contract.”

    6 years forward: kids say that young AP, who looks older than me after living with X these years, screams at him 24/7 and regularly threatens to murder him in his sleep. ????. Karma

    • The AP’s truly get the karma they deserve. I think this because of a family member who cheated and abandoned, and the AP found out too late- he’s a controlling monster! Her life was very rough, she was married to him, and never did escape. She thought she was getting the hologram he presented to her!
      I know, it doesn’t always work out this way, but cheaters are going to revert to who they actually are, and hey, too bad for the scheming side piece.

  • Happy Hanukkah to whomever is observing it! It was nice to light the first candle last night with DD9.
    Also, I hear you, CN – your stories so far really resonate with my experience!

    I have a dump of texts between my STBX and her AP #2 (we are all women) from the last 7 weeks of their affair. There are SO many zingers in there! It’s hard to believe that STBX was saying all those ridiculous things to someone else behind my back. I see so much disorder in the texts: for instance, AP claimed that she was all for STBX trying to work on her marriage to me (not that I was aware the marriage needed that much work) – and STBX totally believed her – when in fact, it’s clear from the texts that AP wanted STBX for herself, and they were both lying to themselves and to each other. I think that AP tried to force the issue a couple of times by calling when I was likely to be around, etc. – but just played it off as a mistake, when STBX reminded her to be more careful. One thing that emerges from the texts is how much control STBX tried (and failed) to exert over AP, and how clearly STBX was using AP for sex and kibbles, not that I have much sympathy for AP. While they clearly enjoyed the titillation, the overwhelming impression I get from the texts is how stressed STBX was the whole time. After D-Day #2, STBX told me that she really didn’t get much from the sexting – it just basically marked time between their in-person meetings every six weeks or so (long-distance affair). I can’t imagine how any of that stress would ever seem worthwhile. Another reason I could never be a cheater!

    But I digress. Probably the freakiest thing about STBX’s most recent affair was that her AP truly believes she is psychic. She would share readings and astrological charts with AP, who would at least feign interest – I have never really probed what STBX actually thought of all of that. (Talk about untangling the skein!) I later learned, after reading the text dump, that AP would sometimes bring up psychic readings when they had misunderstandings. Example: “I’m just so overwhelmed with my feelings and emotions and I don’t know how to deal especially since I just had such a good reading about you.” Of course, AP is even less emotionally mature than STBX – her texts are chock full of the most juvenile kind of passive aggression. But STBX couldn’t see any of it! Very disturbing, but fortunately, I’ve left the circus to the clowns.

    STBX has at least agreed that it would be very unfair to me and the kids to get back together with that AP at any point in the future. If she ever goes back on her word, I could easily sue for full custody of DD9, with the text dump as evidence for why I don’t want that AP around my kid, ever. I don’t think I have to worry about it too much, though, since other people are all interchangeable to STBX. She’ll just find someone else to lovebomb, as soon as Covid is resolved.

    • Sorry, I meant AP would share readings and astrological charts with STBX, who would at least feign interest. STBX and I are both professional academics with higher degrees – there aren’t a whole lot of people in our orbit who truly believe in psychic ability. Talk about fucking strange!

  • Oh…..and also after 10 months of an affair with her Bro-worker and after I was forced out of my house, she magically wanted to meet me in person (after wanting absolutely nothing to do with me for 10 full months).

    The timing was suspect as she had just found out that I was in a relationship and living with a woman (not what I planned in life, but a decision I made with the shit hand the STBXW dealt me).

    At this meeting at a restaurant, she comes in all dolled up (I had come straight from work).

    She tells me she still loves me. But, during the conversation she states, “I can tell by the look in your eyes that you have lost all feelings for me”. “I thought after you moved out we could date” (she had filed for divorce 8 months earlier).

    In 2 years not once has she asked how I am doing or truly owned or apologized for the destruction of the family and the harm to her husband and children.

    It makes you wonder if they have neurons which are shorted out or missing wires.

    What feeling would I have for a moral-less liar who abused, cheated, deceived and harmed with no remorse.

    But it was all about her…….she had a sadz that I had no feelings for her. (And she must have had rocky times with her Bro-worker….she has since been ghosted…..Karma Much?)

    I can picture a cartoon of her dolled up at the other side of the table with the conversation bubble…..”I’m now done with my affair, can we date now….I need some security….Me, me me me……, ME!”

    • My STBXW recently told me that she holds on to the dream that we can get back together in the future when things are not so “raw”. Her cheating with over a dozen people might magically vanish from my mind someday in her magical world. How about a giant NO never going to happen.

      • Given that so many cheaters are narcs, it doesn’t surprise me when I read how many assume that they’re exes should still be all starry eyed for them. The AP in my case was convinced her ex wanted to be with her and just everybody wanted to be with her in general. My own stbx assumes I want him back. He’s kind of tested out wanting to move back into the house at times.

        • I’ve written this here before but my ex asked if we could get together in,say, 3 years.

          He said 3 years because he wanted to enjoy a few years with the OW.

          Clueless, disrespectful, and narcissistic! Also, it’s batshit crazy.

          • You don’t have anything better to do than to spend those 3 years pining for him and bettering yourself for his return. These people are so similar and fucking crazy.

          • I mentioned (I think to you) the other day that my ex said; “if you love someone set them free, and if they come back, they belong to you”

            I was reading some old stuff on CN and I ran across a cartoon that she posted a long time ago that said; “If you love some someone set them free, and if they come back; that means no one else wants them either” I about rolled on the floor laughing.

            I definitely didn’t want him back when he started slithering around, and I told him so, right in front of the preacher, and God. He totally overvalued himself.

            • Hahahaha. I don’t think it was to me although I never choose to get email notifications. That’s hilarious and accurate.

              • Oh, I meant that for Spinach, but yes it just really got me to laughing, as it is so accurate.

                I can still see my ex’s stupid looking face as he said it (a 40 year old acting like a hormone crazed teen), I guess it was his way of telling me to hang in there; I might still “win”. As in pain as I was then, I still almost laughed in his face.

            • Yeesh, that old “set them free” saying brought back some icky memories. My Ex said for (a short time apparently), “If you love something, set it free. If it doesn’t come back, hunt it down and kill it.” Ha, ha, ha… “If you love someone set it free, if it comes back, it better not have any pin feathers missing.” I assumed it was a joke, but in hindsight I could see he always had an angry edge. I was so naive.

              I’ve been safe and sound for 30 years. I don’t think he would have hurt me physically, but only because he wouldn’t risk a murder charge. He was that cold. It used to hurt that he thought I couldn’t succeed in my career (which I did in spades after that narc-leech was out of my life). He might have believed his own BS there. Everyone else except my FOO thought I was a capable student with a future ahead of me.

              He confused me terribly because malicious narc freaks throw out a lot of fake green flags, as well as the red ones. It’s too easy to forget the fake green flags. I don’t remember any gift he got me which he didn’t do in front of others for show. I’ll end my off-topic tangent here. But I do feel extra thankful & blessed now. Quite a gift.

          • How gross. Typical narc bullshit. I’m convinced they all think that way.

            Mine asked me to go to MC after he was emphatically informed he was being dumped forever. He said it would be for “a future reconciliation.”
            He wrote in his journal that even though I appeared to hate him, he knew I still loved him.
            Yuck. Dream on, douchenozzle.

  • Well I have a couple. 1) He was screwing his howorker while both of his parents were dying. They passed 3 months apart. He refused to go see them because “didn’t want to see them die”. I later found out it was because he couldn’t stand to be away from her. 2) I’m a lingerie designer who works from home and of course all my samples are here. I go to find an approved sample one day to check something and cannot find it. I knew it had to be there because I had worked with it the week before. Don’t know what made me, but I started looking through his drawers and lo and behold, there were 2 samples between his clothing. He had stolen them for the ho worker. Of course, he stated I was crazy when I confronted him. Gaslighting at it’s finest! Closer to meh every day.

    • Wow! Quite a story. Yet another indication of myopic cheater narcissism: he didn’t think you would miss the samples and figure it out? Smh

  • Cheater ex basically bought me random sh** or nothing when we were married. His reasoning for nothing was that I was much better at picking nice things for myself. What a guy! And he considered himself a romantic. No kidding… in his warped funhouse mirror, he saw himself as a regular Rat Pack Frank Sinatra… all smooth and the ladies swooining. Reality was he was a covert narcissist and came across to most as painfully quiet and socially inept (not just introverted… he’d sit in silence while others talked and everyone would ask me if he disliked them. Meanwhile he would say to me “wow I talked so much tonight with everyone!” — without sarcasm).

    After he left, we were supposed to help my pre-teen son get gifts for us for the holidays. I repeatedly said to ex and son to stick to Starbucks gift cards. We both like coffee. Our son didn’t mind. And it was safe and $10 was plenty. But ex would either give nothing at all, or force my son to give me something uncomfortable like personal skin lotions that were obviously a gift with purchase for his AP. Or a super tight across the chest t-shirt. Now I just tell my son not to worry about it LOL… my boyfriend helped my son get me something this year (a really cool LEGO Beatles mosaic my son will finish for me)

  • It’s not really related to his cheating (which I was unaware of at the time) but he would tell me pretty often that he would keep me somewhere hidden on a chain so that I would never leave. Or that if I died, he would live with my corpse.

    I was living in so much dissonance that I didn’t even find that terrifying.
    He became physically abusive, of course he did. One of the reasons I kept no contact no matter what was that I knew he would punish me for escaping him if I came back

    • I am glad you left. I hope you are feeling safe now. I cannot imagine how much fear you must have felt, even if, due to the dissonance, you were not even really able to understand that it was fear.

    • You were smart to realize he’d punish you for escaping, despite cognitive dissonance.

  • This post brings to mind the time (a few weeks after DD) he sat me down to tell me why he cheated on me. He listed out my faults:

    1. You don’t like Sushi
    2. You care about the environment and that’s stressful for me
    3. You sometimes leave the plastic rings from the milk container on the kitchen counter (and he emphatically added) – even though I’ve asked you not to. If you truly cared about me you would throw them away.

    Wtf? I was a full time working mom taking care of a 5 year old and a 1 year old, fully supporting this asshole in his dreams. I was so flabbergasted I didn’t know what to say.

    I can’t believe I have to share custody with this asshole for the next 12 years.

    • This hit home. I got patronizing lectures on how to screw a lid on a jar. I have nerve damage in my hand which makes it difficult for me. ‘dO yOu kNow hOw a jAr wOrkS?’ Still rings in my ears.

      Treating me like an idiot was his go to. ‘Maybe you don’t know what a teaspoon is, do I have to get one to show you?” The kicker? I have a bachelors and he is a high school drop out.

  • I don’t have anything for Freakmas b/c my covert narc ex’s whole strategy was to act like the shit he was doing (abandoning his wife of 18 years in 1 hour, cutting off my credit cards, removing common property from our house, playing house with his AP and her girls while both of them were STILL MARRIED) was completely normal while what I was doing (crying, begging him for an explanation or another chance, not eating or sleeping, asking him to hold off on the legal shit until I could understand what was happening…) was the really freaky shit. He literally wanted everyone in his life to pretend my face had somehow changed into the AP’s face and everything was proceeding completely as normal. I guess now that I look at it, that’s some Olympic-level Freakmas business.

  • STBX used a lot of excuses to justify his cheating. One of the craziest ones was this:

    I admire Hilary Clinton. She is a smart female lawyer, and I am a female lawyer. I told STBX about this. I told STBX that I thought that HRC was really smart. Once, I made a joke about her being so smart that she didn’t have to give her husband BJs anymore. (I didn’t know I was a chump at the time and its so cringeworthy to me now that I would make light of Bill Clinton’s serial cheating on a woman that I do admire).

    When STBX got cheating, getting BJs from hookers (among other things) he told me he thought I would be ok with it since I joked about how smart Hilary was for outsourcing her husband’s BJs. He was totally serious.

    Talk about some twisted mental gymnastics

    • A Narcissist’s Prayer
      That didn’t happen.
      And if it did, it wasn’t that bad.
      And if it was, that’s not a big deal.
      And if it is, it was your fault.
      And if it wasn’t, I didn’t mean it.
      And if I did…
      You deserved it.

      Although I prefer the list lines to be:

      And if I did…
      It was your idea in the first place

  • Gave me one pair gold lame opera length gloves, which I wore for sexy time. Noticed afterwards that they were clearly used and was FURIOUS and disbelieving that he gave me his deceased wife’s gloves. Found out years later he hadn’t: the gloves were his. Which he secretly wore along with corsets, panties, stockings, garter belts, size huge patent leather high-heel pumps, and a fake rubber vagina. On Dday, claimed I was over-reacting and that a normal response would be to get mad for a little while and then get over it. Said that lies of omission were not really lies, and that I left the lights on sometimes after I left a room….and that was just as disrespectful to him.

    When I told him it horrified me to think of him prancing around and posing in his finery, he claimed never to have done that. No, he put on his outfits and sat around reading the paper, sober as a judge. Yelled at me when I laughed at that.

    The above just the tip of the iceberg. As my fellow Chumps know all too well.

    • My cross-dressing autogynephilic ex would never have shared his finery with me–not only did he want to be the feminine one, which meant he was emphatically didn’t want me to wear lingerie, because that was for him alone. Of course I never knew any of this for over 30 years, just as I didn’t know that all along he was filching my bras and panties to wear.

      • Hi Adelante:

        Mine was a very masculine guy…until he wasn’t. Once we were watching Friends and I asked him which character he most identified with. He hemmed, hawed and stumbled over his answer. It wasn’t until much much later that I put two and two together and realized he was Rachel.

        I feel completely robbed of my femininity. He pretended the male role, and then stole the female role. Basically I am a sexless wife appliance. It is 2 years 4 month since Dday, and I feel like I am just now recovering my ability to think clearly. Or clearly-ish. I am sorry you had to go through this: it is brutal.

        There is one thing I can’t let go of, and it is why he didn’t even take 5 minutes and google the impact on wives of finding out a husband is a transvestite. No one dares to research it anymore because political correctness, but there is a bunch of older research and the wives just fell apart. In some cases the researchers had to hire new interviewers, multiple times, because the interviewers could not take the wives trauma. Having lived it, that makes total sense to me.

        • There is a growing controversy emerging out of the feminist community where some are raising objections to transgender claims on gender and transvestite views of what it means to be a woman. The backlash to this is strong and attempts to shut down these much needed conversations that can increase our understanding and ensure dignity for all.

          It is concerning that in the era of hyper political correctness, the exclusion of certain conversations means that we are not going to fully understand the impact of movements on others who are affected by choices that are made. One of the biggest aspects of trauma in infidelity is the realization that our spouse is not who they thought they were. Usually it’s the true character/morality of the person that is misaligned with the perception we constructed about them (and one they happily perpetuated for their own gain until they grew tired of trying to live out the lie about themselves). It’s not farfetched to understand that the greater the lie the greater the potential trauma.

          It’s been a mindfuck to learn that my ex never really loved me, but pretended to. That he had turned to porn for years, then to other women for over the last three years of our marriage. That he adamantly believes that we share nothing in common. I can’t imagine how much greater the challenge would be to learn that my husband really emerged as a completely different gender or sex. Or spent years treating aspects of who I am as a woman as a fetish.

          How often are betrayed spouses in such circumstances made to feel that they shouldn’t resent their cheating spouses? Ouch.

          • This is a tough one. I am a lesbian with many transgendered friends, and of course I fully support who they are and choose to be. I can see how, esp. before about the last decade, there was such a societal mindfuck about being trans/queer that many trans/queer people thought it was preferable to try to live a “conventional” life, and didn’t realize what destruction they might wreak in the process. I am not in a position to judge those choices overall, though of course I can see how that societal mindfuck led to terrible outcomes for trans/queer people themselves and for their long-term (deceived) partners and families. When society doesn’t allow people to be themselves, there will sadly be a lot of collateral damage. Let’s mete out the blame for that damage fairly.

            A close college friend of mine recently divorced because her ex came out as trans. My friend T, a very progressive trans ally in general, has sadly had to endure the difficulty of seeing her ex lauded for coming out, even as T has had to deal with the trauma of reorganizing her life and co-parenting their child. T is angry with her ex mainly because of the lack of honesty/transparency: T had suspected that there was some dark secret her ex never wanted to discuss, perhaps having to do with childhood sexual abuse, and my T tried all the therapy etc. to no avail. T still ended up broadsided by the truth, when it emerged. Neither, however, does T want to live in a lie of a marriage, so of course she’s working on letting it go! She clearly feels “chumped” in some way, though I think there’s a real difference between fuckwits intentionally committing deceit, vs. trans/queer people who are truly conflicted, or in many cases are lying to themselves much more than to anyone else. As long as their struggle is internal or autoerotic, it’s hard to assess a lot of blame. Obviously, the equation changes when they start engaging in other behaviors that are more obviously harmful to others, though even then, they might be so inured by swimming in self-loathing for so long that I’m sure it feels like a great relief to live more authentically. I certainly would hope that queer/trans people in those situations would prioritize the feelings of their loved ones and tell the compete truth at the very earliest opportunity. ????

            The one thing I would add here is that most of the trans people I have known have had real struggles with mental health. Again, those struggles are understandable, given the societal mindfuck we have grown up with. But just as cheating is rarely the only sign of disorder in cheaters, behavior like transvestism is rarely the only sign of mental health struggles in trans/queer people. We as chumps or “straight/cis spouses” need to fix our pickers and learn to recognize all the signs of disorder, and not spackle over it. My friend, for example, could have seen as a red flag that her ex didn’t want to talk about the deep dark secret and its impacts, regardless of what the nature of the secret actually was. I should have seen many red flags apart from the active cheating: my STBX’s intense friendships with people she was attracted to, her inability to sit in discomfort, her chronically unrealistic expectations, her passive aggression, etc. As Amiisfree and others have noted before on this forum, we chumps are too forgiving of all of the other signs of disorder.

            • Hi LezChump:

              With all due respect, this isn’t a tough one at all. The problem is not that my husband is a transvestite, it is that he is a liar and a coward, and witheld information from me that I deserved to know before entering into a relationship with him, and before marrying him. I, like your friend, was totally chumped, and deserved this information before investing years of my life in someone who used and abused me in order to protect himself and his secret sexual life.

              You write “There was such a societal mindfuck…that many trans/queer people thought it was preferable to try to live a “conventional life” and didn’t realize what destruction they might wreak in the process. I am not in a position to judge those choices…”

              Don’t you see that every fuckwit on the planet can make the same argument about their cheating? They, too, may be wrestling with their identity as polyamorous. Society’s condemntion of cheating might make cheaters want to pretend to be faithful, and reap all the benefits of being considered a faithful spouse. Gay/trans people are not morally deficient and magically rendered unable to realize the destruction they wreak on a straight spouse any more than cheaters are unable to realize the destruction they wreak on a faithful spouse. They realize it (hence the hiding.) They are just willing to risk breaking someone else’s heart in order to get what they want.

              If your ex-wife had lied to you about her orientation because, say, she thought lesbianism was cool and she wanted to hang out with hipsters, her behavior in tricking you and allowing you to invest years of your life and have children with her…would be dishonest and deplorable. Being a member of an oppressed minority (and I think that point is arguable and has been for decades, but I’ll let it go) is not a license to hurt individuals that love and trust you. It just isn’t. Being gay or straight, trans or not…tells you nothing about a person’s character. But being a person who hides their orientation in order to defraud someone else and benefit themselves…that person sucks.

              • It sounds like I hit a nerve. I apologize if I exacerbated your pain. I believe that everyone who has been abused deserves to leave and heal from that abuse, regardless of why the abuser does what they do. I’m so sorry you experienced what you experienced and have to deal with the aftermath.

                As for whether our partners suck overall, I’m just not in a position to say. My STBX was a terrible partner to me. But part of my reaching meh is realizing that she’s not a terrible person in general, or to everyone in her life; she lived through a fucked-up childhood and might or might not ever heal from that. She’s lying to herself as much as to me or to anyone else, and she doesn’t know how to do better. A lot of people are in terrible pain, for a lot of different reasons. Maybe they’re not strong enough to deal with that pain – and that sucks, for the kind people they suck into their orbit.

                CL makes the excellent point that one way we chumps can sometimes untangle the skein is by trying to figure out whether our cheaters/betrayers intended to deceive us. I agree that we should not waste time on figuring that out, before we cut ties and find our freedom – as CL rightly says, whether the betrayer meant to hurt us or not, they didn’t care enough about our feelings to act differently. What they deserve, is to lose us, and to have to share child custody with us, etc. – all consequences available under the law.

                But I do think it matters that kids growing up queer/trans get such a mindfuck. It’s an extra burden that can’t be ignored – I see that you might dispute that, but you haven’t lived it. It’s like multiplying FOO issues by a thousand – it’s not enough that your family is telling you you’re nothing – all of society is telling you you’re nothing, and the only way to be healthy and happy is to lie to yourself and to everyone around you. In this case, society itself is the ultimate mindfuck blender. I wish we were all more aware of this vicious mindfuck, just as I wish we were all more aware of the long-term mental and physical side-effects of even subtle forms of emotional abuse.

                Your ex should have made different choices, just as my STBX should have made different choices. I can see why my STBX was incapable of making better choices. Being queer and/or polyamorous by nature might have been part of her disorder, for all I know – that identity certainly clashed even more with her narcissistic straight mom. I’m not happy to be collateral damage of STBX’s emotional disorder but also am trying to own my own responsibility in staying in that relationship despite all the red flags I should have seen.

                I believe that you, too, are a casualty of societal homophobia and transphobia. I’m so very sorry that’s the case, and feel for everyone in that position. I believe that fewer people would become collateral damage, if homophobia and transphobia were to become things of the past – but of course there will always be broken people in the world, and we just have to learn to recognize them, without vilifying them. All best to you.

              • I agree Principled Life. We owe it to our intimate partners to be honest about our intentions and our internal conflicts mind fucked or not. Many of us were mind-fucked from birth by our families of origin – I was willing to share this with my ex who weaponized it. The thing is I was open and honest, he was just a FW. I think that making excuses for people who are knowingly deceiving another person who is being opening them self up to them in a true and authentic way is wrong regardless of the circumstances. It is morally wrong to embark in a relationship let alone a lifelong commitment based on a lie.

  • There are so many. He accused me of being a hoarder (I’m not., spending the tax return on myself (nope, paid for the roof), said our house was too small, I didn’t greet him at the door when he arrived home from work (huh?!) and of course didn’t give him enough attention.

    After my brother bought us hockey tickets for Christmas, he refused to go to the game saying “hockey was my thing, not his.” That was truly surprising since he had 2 NHL jerseys from his favorite player, we watched every game together, and attended several games a year, for many years. Turns out, it just gave him a free night where he knew I would be occupied and he could spend time with her.

    Probably my favorite, though, was that “she gives him porn star sex” so what choice did he have. Umm, yeah, go for it because degrading porn star sex will never be something that I am interested in, thank you very much.

    After all of that he told me that it didn’t matter if he signed the divorce papers because he was just going to sweep me off my feet again and we would get remarried someday. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!


  • Following “visits to his dying friend”, my husband reported his friend might have Lewy body dementia. The daughters told me (at the funeral) that their father had been accusing their mother of being promiscuous before he died. Guess who was fucking my husband.

    • This is truly awful. Just when I think I know how low a cheater can go, something like this pops up. Disgusting.

    • Special place in hell for a man who cucks his dying friend, making his “friend’s” last days miserable. As well as destroy his own loving wife. In Dante’s Inferno, the lowest level of hell is reserved for people who betray those who love them. Hope your hubby and his friend’s wife are happy there.

  • The exhole actually made a list of 17 reasons he left me. I made the HEINOUS mistake of not getting regular pedicures AND wearing my hair in a bun. Well Jesus. No wonder he cheated. I was soooooo awful

    • ChumpyMc – I should be elated then. I only got a written list of 8 reasons that I sucked.

  • After our daughter was born the ex hounded me about “changes” in how her lady parts were during intimacy.

    I finally told her after a year of that that it was a little, but no biggie.

    A year later she was screwing some guy.

    One of her excuses was that because I judged her sexuakify she had to see if her vjayjay was still good.

    So instead if getting checked out by a GYN she figures that banging some guy for 10 years is how test that out?

    And do it in secret and make my fault?

  • My ex is currently disgruntled with me because I can’t fix the pilot light on his water heater. I’m not sure when, in our two decades together, I was meant to get a HVAC technician certificate. But here we are.

  • He screwed the same woman at annual out of town conference for 15 years. After fully admitting to me what he’d done he claimed he did not know why I was mad, she was just somebody he knew, a friend. Cognitive dissonance??? Could never admit these things to himself, lied about any and every thing no matter how trivial. Couldn’t even admit to himself that he smoked. After 48 years of marriage I walked out on the deck to find a half empty beer and a smoldering cigar. I searched for him, found him hiding behind a tree. After asking him just what was going on he said he was looking at the flowers. Thing was, there were no flowers .

    • Hiding behind a tree!?!?

      Unbelievable. The only other person that does that is literally a toddler who has gone in their diaper.

      I mean, there’s regression, but then there’s REGRESSION. Oh my goodness.

  • Year one: Crabs
    He swore he got them from someone’s dirty basement.
    Same year the woman who lived downstairs got pregnant. She was looking for no strings pregnancy. Caught him at her new apartment after son was born, just visiting. Then came her second child

  • Year three came home to empty bank account with note; moving to California. Was traveling south and ended up in Atlantic City.

    • I didn’t think you could top the downstairs neighbor story. No wonder our minds start shutting down.

  • The OW was a self-proclaimed yogi guru who had “trademarked” a stress relief technique for people going through breakups… that she had developed after recovering from her trauma due to her parents’ messy divorce… due to her father’s cheating. Thanks for continuing the cycle.

    After he left, someone forwarded me a photo they had posted on social media with him sporting a mustache just like her dad’s. She’s also 15 years younger than me. Clearly some daddy issues there.

    But still, his 6+ months of cheating and running around, sex in public places, and getting fired for screwing his ho-worker at work, filling credit cards with new tight clothing for himself, plus abandoning his kids the week before Christmas, etc. etc. is all my fault because I’m a mean, meany.

  • Before discovery, FW said he was going to play a game of indoor soccer with some friends. He probably should have planned his lie out a little better since his soccer clothing wasn’t freshly laundered. At some point after d-day I asked if that outing was a lie (I had been suspicious about it at the time given that he didn’t come home sweaty), which it was and then I asked if he bothered changing out of his gross clothes, which he hadn’t. They just sat in a parked car together while hotboxing his musky soccer clothing. Ah, true love /s

  • Got a health update of services. Two visits to a clinic and follow up at regular Dr treated for std. bragged he didn’t have aids

    So happy I’m free of the freak.

  • The other woman wrote a play about me and posted the synopsis on her website. In it, I was a successful lawyer (in real life i am just an average one) so I was really looking forward to being in the front row on opening night and I’m kinda bummed it never got produced.

    • HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA NO WAY! Oh my goodness. I just can’t. I can’t- *falls off chair laughing*

      Actually this is the type of thing Wasband would pull. And he’d congratulate himself because obviously it’s an amazing gift.

      Just too ridiculous for words…

  • The day after my freak first had sex with MOW, he had lunch out with my child, whom he had legally adopted when she was 8. He regaled her with the tale of how much fun he had getting drunk “with co-workers” the night before. He ommitted the info that it was only one co-worker and that he fucked her. Then he came home and told our other child the same story.
    Sick bastard just had to brag. To his own kids.
    He then told proceeded to post photos from the club he was at with OW on social media. They were shitty, blurry photos and only posted because he wanted to shout from the rooftops; “I fucked around on my wife with drunken skank, y’all!”
    This is the same guy told me on D-day that he felt so guilty right after he first cheated that he could barely function. Riiiiight.

    He liked to brag about how often he masturbated, too. To me, to OW, to God knows who else. I think he saw it as a sign of manliness and actually is so stupid he thought women would swoon over the thought of him jerkin’ the gherkin. Damn, is that guy ever an exhibitionistic twit. He liked to send OW sweaty bathroom selfies right after he worked out, too. Stupid mofo thinks the sight of male sweat gets women all hot and bothered. ????

  • I found out about OW and knew about a time when she had come to bang him while I was gone out of town for work. I looked on social media and saw she had a child and did the math, wondering if it was his. I dug some more and found that she was in cycle doing IVF trying to conceive with her husband and somehow during that was whoring around with FW. Mind you, FW is pretty infertile so the chance he could have gotten her pregnant would have been incredibly small but at the time, he didn’t know that (we had gone through fertility testing and treatments a few years later which is how I found out). So this OW was fooling around on her spouse while trying to conceive with him but also fracking FW – who refuses to wear condoms so I know they were rolling the dice. Can you imagine!?!

    I have so many tales of FW being a FW but that one about OW has been unbelievable to me.

  • One of his last Christmas gifts to me was a tight-fitting, zip-up jacket from Lululemon. I like yoga but never would have bought that for myself. Still, it was good quality, and I appreciated that he bought it for me (lol) so wore it.

    Big mistake! I guess I wasn’t supposed to wear it outside the house. I should have known that it was some sort of sex-play getup (basically a gift for him) and for his eyes only. Silly me!

    Also, how rich that he accused me of trying to turn on other men while he was screwing his coworker!

    • So you wore it and he said you were doing it to turn other guys on?
      Right, because a yoga fetish is a big thing with guys. What a weirdo.

  • I see other people had yoga cheaters too, so I have another one; the Sacred Yoga Mat debacle.
    Unbeknownst to me, the cheater started going to these intense, two hour yoga classes with OW. He has no interest in yoga and just wanted to ogle her wide rear in yoga pants and play Zen master to turn her on, but I digress. So he bought himself a yoga mat which he claimed was for the gym. He placed it prominently, rolled up near the front door, where it sat unused for several years (I later found out that the yoga cheating had moved to other venues), and it being there started to annoy me. Since he wasn’t using it, I decided not to let it go to waste and started to work out on it. The cheater caught me desecrating the Sacred Yoga Mat with my foul wife germs and howled at me in outrage; “THAT’S MY MAT! DON’T YOU USE MY MAT!”
    He then grabbed it it and put it in exactly the same place, where it sat unused for two more years, as he had told me not to use it again. I was all WTF is his problem about it at the time, but wrote it off since he had gotten so weird in general.
    I suspect he put it where I could see it every single day on purpose. Passive-aggressive little shitwit. He could have put it in the closet, but wanted it all up in my face.
    So after I found all this out, I decided two could play that game and proceeded to get my wife cooties all over it to taunt him, but his yoga slut had flown the coop by then and it was no longer Sacred to him, so that wasn’t much fun. It’s a pretty good mat actually, so what the hell, I kept it. 🙂

  • 1)Sleeps with vehicle keys. Then hides them when he showers as well. It’s a vault of secrets. If confronted gaslights, and says it’s my fault he does it.

    2) was going through condoms at a high rate.. but not with me. When confronted, his response was “you can’t count.” Ahem, I have a masters degree in a field of science, I can count to 10!!!

  • We were going to NYC on vacation and STBXH learned about Jennifer Love Hewitt and “vajazzling.” He was obsessed with the idea. He would NOT shut up. I told him, no, I refuse to bedazzle my twat.

    Anyway, he pouted the entire vacation that I didn’t love him because I wouldn’t let a stranger glue crystals down there.

    I’m sure my refusal added to his list of reasons to cheat. I hope his schmoopie has nonstop ingrown hairs from all the vajazzling.

    • Bedazzled vagina has to be the winner.

      I’m sorry you were abused like this. I also hope OW has a lifetime of ingrown hairs!

      • Male chumps, raise your hand if you want to scratch your penis on a bedazzled vulva ? I didn’t think so…

    • I remembered another freak moment. STBXH took our son to the grocery store. He claimed (bragged) to our teenage son that a random woman in the produce section looked at him and caused him to lust. YEAH, you are SO hot that a stay at home mom was in the process of grabbing a head of lettuce, saw your sorry ass, and thought to herself, “Hot damn, take me now!”

      He is NOTHING hot to look at. The poor innocent woman was probably thinking, “Why is that nice teenage boy watching a gargoyle bag tomatoes?”

      • Funny how conceited cheating spouses become. Before I knew my ex was cheating, I noticed how arrogant he was getting. He started to think that all these women wanted him and would brag to me about it. It started with a female friend commenting on how good he was looking. Then, it became how one of the moms at our kids’ school was chatting him up and he believed she was putting moves on him. Then, it was bragging how interested women were in him when he went out with a friend of his to a pub, and they were so disappointed when he announced, “sorry ladies but I’m a married man.”

        At the time, I remember wondering what this guy was playing at. I assumed that it was his way of trying to tell me that he wished I was giving him more attention. Now I know it was partly that (ego kibbles) and much more something far sinister. He was taking pleasure in putting me down by regaling me with these stories. He was cheating and devaluing me, while revelling in his duper’s delight.

        • Mine did similar. His version was telling me stories about other men’s cheating. I realized after Dday, he was telling his story and putting it off on other married men.

          I imagine it was a thrill to him to sit there and “confess” to me; knowing how stupid I was.

          • IKR! Mine thought that the hairdressers (these much, much younger women) actually liked LIKED him. They’re just being kind to an old man. It’s their frickin’ job. And they like your tips.

            And when the yoga teacher adjusted him because he was truly struggling, he thought she enjoyed touching him.

            And finally, when we went to another couple’s house (pre-Covid), the woman opened the door and greeted us (me, him, and EVERYONE else ) with a peck on the cheek. He took this to mean that she liked him.

            WTF? Both clueless and narcissistic.

    • Oh good lord. What a dick. I always thought vajazzling looked like something toddler girls would do to themselves if you gave them some sparkly stick on rhinestones and left the room. I think this was how it was invented.

    • That’s the winner of witlessness. Let me guess, he also has a sparkly bass boat….and a Nudie Cohn suit in his closet.

      Having glued crystals on dance outfits….crystals have to be glued onto dry surfaces…. WAP don’t work.

  • Agreed. The part of the story I focused on was that the panties were so much bigger than her size she knew they could not be hers or his sisters. You lose self esteem when your spouse/sig other cheats, and IMHO it is normal to find ways to look at them critically. People need to be given the benefit of the doubt to vent here. It can be shocking to find that whatever your spouse supposedly preferred about you (coloring of hair, eyes, height, weight, etc.) are the opposite or much different in AP.

  • As the marriage was failing, the Jackwad increasingly would make disparaging, misogynistic comments about females when he was around me. He would comment about the ineptitude of female co-workers (especially those who seemed to have some authority over him), female political candidates, and me. His affair partner at the time was a department head at a city where he provided consulting services, and she was a full 30 years younger than him (his previous AP was about 20 years younger). He prided himself on his “mentoring” skills with young female municipal professionals, while also deriding females in his profession who had achieved more than he had.

    This wasn’t Freakmas, but 4 months after D-Day (and 2 months after he moved out), he sent me birthday present through the mail. I needed to go to the post office to pick it up, postage due – he seriously underestimated the cost to mail it. What he sent me was a DVD of “The Handmaid’s Tale.” I’ve stopped trying to figure out what if there was a message in there somewhere, or on what side of the story he saw himself.

    • The misogyny definitely amped up in the last marriage years and we could no longer discuss politics. He also didn’t want to hear my work day events/stories-chumpy me just thought oh he’s stressed from work so my work stories are too much overload for him. Yet, he could talk about his job. To send Handmaids Tale as a birthday gift?! That’s probably a narc saying well I’m a commander and a commander can cheat with anyone abs women are 2nd class citizens. What a tool!

  • He gave me a sex toy for Christmas that was recommended by someone who I later learned was an affair partner.

  • He called her Pookie, she called him Baby Love.
    It made me want to barf, but even that can’t compete with a bedazzled vajajay.

  • I’m in round 2 of D-Day since 3 weeks ago (and there’s no pick me dance this time). I am still living with Mr Cheaterpants until the house is sold (he won’t leave). Funniest ironic thing is that he is keeping cake in his room and just eating it himself. There are 3 of us in the house including our daughter from this 22yr marriage. I had wondered where the cake came from (suspecting Schmoopie) but then it looks to be from my own mother…who brought me up well to eat the narcissist shit-sandwiches. She loves Mr Cheaterpants but I’ve been no contact with her since a few years. Narcissists looking out for each other. “Merry Christmas Mr Cheaterpants, have your cake and eat it all yourself too.”

  • A few days after Christmas, I remembered we had leftover fireworks I wanted to retrieve and use for New Year’s. I started looking for them but couldn’t find them. I decided to look in FW’s workshop in the basement. I found a good-sized box which was a likely candidate to be where they were stored and opened it up. It was filled with wrapped Christmas presents! I knew I hadn’t wrapped them but had an odd feeling because you can’t just forget an entire box of presents. I started unwrapping and found all kinds of presents FW had bought in Europe (he traveled for work) for an OW and her kids. I confronted him and he said I had no business looking at them. I didn’t let up and it turned out that this OW was someone he picked up at Sex Addicts Anonymous. But it was “purely innocent” which is why I also found a CD of syrupy music made for him (remember making mixes of music in high school? hahaha) with a password protected Word document on it called “mascot game.” I asked what the password was and he said he had no idea. I wish I had been able to crack that file open. Might have made good evidence for the divorce….

    P.S. I smashed and trashed everything I found.

  • Post DDay, I was gifted a portrait of myself. It wasn’t the worst amateur drawing ever, but…

    I could neither appreciate the gift nor formulate an appropriate response, because I had Napoleon Dynamite playing on loop in my head. Seriously the only thing I could think to say was, “…you HAVE seen Napoleon Dynamite, right??” Then I started wondering if it was a joke…

    I had forgotten all about that, until CL made me think back.

  • My true love gave to me: “A BDSM B-N-B” (my ex turned my ex-house into a BDSM BNB with his twatwaffle). Telling you, I can’t make this !@#$ up.

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