We’ve been married since 2012. Bought new home in 2014. In 2015 she acted so so happy. Turns out she was screwing a guy in Motel 6.
She told me they just needed a private place to talk. Until this guy. Five years older than my son (I’m 49. My son’s 26). Sent me pictures of her and him kissing. At the same time she was sexting with this preacher. Least I think that’s all.
I was crushed. I tore up a Books-a-Million store with his body. Went crazy. She still won’t admit to having sex with this guy “no one.” Now this past March I found out she was talking online to two more guys at the same time. One guy called me and said I shouldn’t be beating her!! I’ve never laid a hand on any woman ever. A fucking lie.
But this other guy, she said she cared about. They talked on Instagram only, supposedly. She couldn’t decide between him or me. I told her I just made her mind up for her, and packed.
In the middle, she started sobbing and supposedly had a panic attack. Begged me to stay. Now that’s where we are. She still says how sorry she is 2-3 times a week. I didn’t even get that mad this time. I feel empty inside about it. Any advice?
Yes. Hostage situations are not relationships.
You don’t have to stay because she has a sadz. Her sorry is as fake as a jackalope with a spray tan.
Isn’t it curious how — Holy Road to Damascus! — she found her “remorse” the moment you decided to leave? When there was a consequence for HER? Your grief and anger didn’t register at all, in fact, she goaded you further into the pick me dance. But when YOU decided? When you weren’t going to be her chump? Oh, now’s she seen the error of her ways.
You don’t have to work with that. It’s a CHOICE you are making. To continue investing in a serial cheater who literally sent you pictures of herself kissing a another guy. Who has repeatedly devalued you. And maligned you to her fuckbuddies (aka, you beat her).
Would you tell a friend or your son to stay in this kind of relationship?
I get that you feel numb. You’ve got chaos exhaustion. We’ve all been there. But the worst thing you can do, Bobby, is give in to the undertow of her crazy. It’s just going to pull you further and further away from safety. You need to kick your ass into gear and start protecting yourself.
If it’s legal in your state (research this), carry a voice-activated recorder on you, or use one your phone, if you have to be around her. She’s already alleged abuse to other people. Your instinct to get out ASAP was a good one. I would not be alone with this person.
See a lawyer. DO NOT TELL HER. Just DO it. Collect your financial docs. Run a credit check on her, if possible, on yourself (double lives usually go with financial abuse), and figure out your options stat.
And be upfront with your lawyer about the Books-A-Million incident. I’m sure she’ll weaponize that too.
She wants to frighten you into staying with her, either through emotional blackmail (her “Oh shit I’ve been found out” panic attack), or DARVO threats. (aka You’re the Real Abuser Here.) Don’t fall for that shit. Your lawyer has seen it all. Just move forward.
And about that bookstore episode — you might get some chumps going, yea Bobby! Wish I could do that! sort of congratulations. (To which I’d counter, hey INNOCENT books have suffered!) No. That whole thing was a HUGE kibble high for her. Fighting over special, wonderful her. Oh the passion she inspires! A regular Helen of Books-A-Million.
Deny fuckwits centrality. ALWAYS.
We slip, we learn, that’s why we’re here. But no one wins the pick me dance, just the narcissist.
So Bobby, as much as I’d love to advise you to send your soon-to-be-ex-wife pictures of you kissing a divorce summons, I must tell you to go grey rock. Channel the meh. Get out as cleanly as you can with all the support you can.
We’re here for you.
She can check her sadz into Motel 6 and fuck it.