Thank you for saving my life. I was suicidal when I read your posts and they knocked me back into reality. I will be eternally grateful. I am severely codependent and I’m trying to work on myself, but still struggling. I would appreciate it if you put his reasons through the Universal Bullshit Translator if it has time from eating cookies.
A little background: My husband and I were together for 7 years from 18-25. We have two kids. We got pregnant within a year of dating. I found out he’s been cheating on me with multiple men last month and I threw him out, but not before having threesomes and buying strap-ons for him. He was raped by 3 men 4 years ago and I thought he was recreating his trauma. But he still cheated and that’s why I threw him out.
He said he’s sorry and remorseful, but hasn’t tried to come back and hasn’t expressed any type of real remorse and I feel worse than garbage. He found out I went on Tinder after we were separated and acted like I betrayed him even though he said he didn’t want a relationship. I’m extremely concerned for his well-being even still as the father of my children.
Later, after two weeks of no contact, I made the mistake of saying he wasn’t the type of person I could be with after talking to him about our kids. I regret engaging, I messed up. Anyway we had a bit of an argument where he explained why he did it.
He said 90% of our relationship was him feeling bad for one reason or another. He said the only reason he got with me was because he felt bad for me. Then he said later he felt bad I got pregnant and stayed for the kids. As time went on, he felt even more bad that I loved him romantically and he didn’t. He was worried I would act crazy if he tried to leave or I would “do something”, which I may have. He was with me because I wanted him to be, not because he chose to be.
This was likely exacerbated by the fact we had kids so young. I think all that is an excuse, he could have left whenever he wanted. He does not have an interest in reconciliation and does not seem remorseful except in words. The only thing he apologized for is never standing up for what he truly wanted.
How could you string someone along for 7 years? We had bad moments, but to say it was 90% bad is a blatant lie. Honestly, it was closer to 90% good and 10% extremely bad. He also said he’s not going to grovel and keep living for me on the premise of feeling bad for everything. He’s been living for everyone else for years, and he’s tired of living his life in the back seat. He already apologized, and he isn’t going to keep living on the premise that he feels bad for everything.
I asked him why he cheated instead of left. He said he was worried I would do something and felt bad for me. And he said the cheating wasn’t to get back at me for stealing his life or anything, it wasn’t about me at all. It was just a dirty little secret he had, like gambling or shooting up and he wouldn’t expect me to understand.
All of this is a shock to me. I thought we loved each other and thought I would die with this man. I don’t know who this is.
He always said he loved me. He did try to leave several times. but I always begged and pleaded for him to come back and work through it. He chose to come back! He’s full of it. A part of me knows he really felt bad and severely guilty for everything I’ve done for him. Remember the codependence? I showered him in my love. I was the main provider, I put him through nursing school, always was the one who wanted to have sex, etc. Maybe that should have told me he was gay. I know I’m sick. How could I love someone so deeply who clearly didn’t love me? I need a whack upside the head, or a bullet to the brain preferably!
I’ve read Robin Norwood’s Women Who Love Too Much and signed up for therapy. I’m also joining a support network called the Straight Spouse Network. It all feels like putting a bandaid on a bullet wound though.
I still really hope he’s just in a fog and we did have something. Please tell me how we can reconcile. If that’s not possible, please wake me up and remove this parasite from my heart! I can’t believe I still love him! He so clearly doesn’t love me! Something is very wrong with me.
As far as I can tell he’s not in any type of therapy or trying to help himself at all.
His trying to help himself is not your job. He doesn’t think he has a problem. He’s totally okay with what he’s done. That’s what his words say. That’s what his actions say.
Codependency lesson 101.
Not. Your. Job.
This man has fired you from the job of caring about him. By gambling with your health and sanity. By letting you invest in him deeply when he had no intention of investing deeply in you. By being a fraud.
He was absolutely okay letting you put him through school and raise children and indulge his sexual fantasies (strap-ons, three-ways, etc.). You were of use. And the only thing that stopped this toxic charade was you finding out who he really is.
I don’t mean gay.
I mean asshole.
What actual tragedies have befallen him (rape), doesn’t give him the right to abuse you. You’re so deep into his “reasons” and his excuses, that you’ve lost sight of yourself. We call that “Untangling the Skein of Fuckupedness” here. Take that big heart of yours and direct its focus to yourself. Is any of this crap acceptable to you?
I still really hope he’s just in a fog and we did have something.
You had something. It’s not a healthy something.
Please tell me how we can reconcile.
Oh sweetheart, you know I don’t do that here.
Asking me for reconciliation advice is like asking rabbits to solve quadratic equations.
If that’s not possible, please wake me up and remove this parasite from my heart!
Now THAT I can do. Consider me your mental flea bomb.
The UBT is feasting on springerles. Let me kick it into gear.
He said 90% of our relationship was him feeling bad for one reason or another.
Poor sausage. This is the mindfuck set to self-pity.
I do terrible things and feel bad. If only I could stop doing terrible things. Will anyone save me from the torment of my free will?
He said the only reason he got with me was because he felt bad for me.
Moi? A user? I am a noble pity-fucker of lost souls.
Then he said later he felt bad I got pregnant and stayed for the kids.
You really need to stop these immaculate conceptions at once.
Moi? A fraud? I am a noble Saver of the Traditional Intact Family. That just sort of spontaneously created itself and imprisoned me.
As time went on, he felt even more bad that I loved him romantically and he didn’t.
So bad that you can pay for my nursing school. If I feel any worse, you might consider a graduate degree or a trip to the Bahamas.
He was worried I would act crazy if he tried to leave or I would “do something”, which I may have.
I’m so worried about your sanity that I’m going to gaslight you for seven straight years and then blame you for my abuse.
He was with me because I wanted him to be, not because he chose to be.
How powerful Miranda is with her mind rays! She can force my will and yet her superpowers fall short when it comes to cocksucking.
He also said he’s not going to grovel and keep living for me on the premise of feeling bad for everything. He’s been living for everyone else for years, and he’s tired of living his life in the back seat. He already apologized, and he isn’t going to keep living on the premise that he feels bad for everything.
Why should I feel rotten about risking your health, profiting from your investment, and lying to your face for seven years? That’s what backseat people do, and I’m the Rosa Parks of fuckwits.
And he said the cheating wasn’t to get back at me for stealing his life or anything,
I stole your life.
it wasn’t about me at all
It wasn’t about you at all. I’m an inauthentic, grifting asshole.
It was just a dirty little secret he had, like gambling or shooting up and he wouldn’t expect me to understand.
I wouldn’t want you to understand my secrets. You might stop paying my bills.
Miranda, are you getting the picture that this guy sucks? The good news is that you’re young, you have your children, and you no longer have to support a fuckwit.
I know I’m sick.
Chumpdom is entirely curable. Ask a few million recovered chumps how they know. You bonded and it’s hard to un-bond. And you’re young and you haven’t experienced a relationship with someone who treats you decently. Stop thinking of yourself as sick. You made a lousy investment in a lousy person. THIS IS REALLY COMMON! And completely reversible!
How could I love someone so deeply who clearly didn’t love me?
Work on that. You accepted a lopsided relationship. Going forward, hold out for reciprocity and good character.
I need a whack upside the head, or a bullet to the brain preferably!
No! Stop the suicide talk. If you’re thinking that way, please get some medical help ASAP or call a suicide hotline. Zero shame in it. You’re a month out from D-Day. It’s a meat grinder. But you won’t always feel this pain. Go no contact and lawyer up. That’s the fastest way to heal. You’re doing the right things with therapy for you and support. I know it feels like a bandaid on a bullet wound. Just take baby steps each day and pretty soon you’ll be on the other side.
Your soon-to-be ex needs to be escorted to the front seat of his own destiny. I predict crabs.