Last week, I left my boyfriend of 11 months. I recently discovered that before meeting with me, he had been in a relationship with a woman who had two kids and a husband for a year and a half. He lied about her for 11 months (the entire length of our relationship, until I discovered some emails).
Within one month of meeting each other, he said he didn’t expect to fall in love with me, but I was the woman of his life, he wanted to have kids with me and loved me to the moon and back. Except he continued to see the other woman, then moved on to break up with her, then sext her, then keep “a friendly relationship” (where he wanted to sext her, but once she knew I existed was heartbroken and decided to go focus on her husband, who is apparently oblivious).
After I spent a month letting him try to explain himself (he was always really busy and tired), I broke it off. A friend made me realize I would be better off working on myself than on his sorry, not so sorry ass. Reading your book, I realized he has been gaslighting and blameshifting me all along. The next day, we talked about the possibility of him staying with me until the end of our work contract (we live in a remote location and have commitments to the community). I considered the option, but realized I would always ask myself whether he contacted his ex again. I ended up calling his ex myself (yes, I am going crazy), and through her lies, I realized he had been talking to her in the last month (where he said he never wanted to talk to her again), and had contacted her about our breakup the day after it happened.
Me calling his ex was a turning point. He moved out, left the job. Since then, he has called me, really sorry about the whole thing, saying he finally realized all he had lost. He now takes responsibility, realized how much he neglected me, how he didn’t take advantage of all I had to offer. Did I mention in the last month, since we had the best sex because he finally decided to be connected to me? He feels ever so stupid to have missed the opportunity, says he loves me, wants to do all the projects we had planned together, am his best sex ever… (had he not cheated, I did feel he was a little disconnected, but truly believe be was my partner for life, we had so much in common).
I truly feel mindfucked. I feel better when are able to respect each others limit and not talk. But he keeps emailing me, telling me he loves me and wanting to stay in touch. He tells me he understands I need to heal, and wants to give me some space, but believes that it can still work between us. I feel as though the right thing to do is cut him off for a while, but can’t get myself to state this (I have stated this, but can’t resist answering when he comes fishing).
I feel scared I am making a mistake. Scared I might be losing a true opportunity myself. I am so mad at him, we did have cool projects planned, I resent him so much for what he did and what he risked. Part of me is enticed by his new promises, resolutions and blame taking (he is seeing a therapist), but the other part feels raw with pain for what he did… We were a new couple and he didn’t even try to give us a chance from the start.
Let the dream die. What you have here is a classic Trust That They Suck problem. He has presented you with abundant evidence that he is a fuckwit and yet you keep taking his calls.
It’s like saying, I can’t stand the diarrhea but then going another round at the rancid taco buffet.
But they held out such promise for deliciousness! If I don’t eat this next taco, I might miss the best taco of my life!
There are other BETTER tacos. But you have to leave the rancid taco buffet to find them.
I truly feel mindfucked. I feel better when are able to respect each others limit and not talk. But he keeps emailing me, telling me he loves me and wanting to stay in touch.
Make the connection here. You break no contact = You feel mindfucked. You feel better when you don’t talk to him. You feel worse when you talk to him.
I know it’s painful to draw the conclusion that he sucks (really painful! We have an entire blog devoted to getting over this exact kind of pain!), but let’s marshal the suck evidence.
1.) He’s been having (is still having) a long-term affair with a married woman. How’s THAT for a character endorsement? His dick is more important than her two kids and long-suffering chump. Out of all of the available single women in the world, that’s his choice. Which tells you how he feels about commitment — it doesn’t matter to him. I don’t care what he promises you, his actions say he likes the centrality of the pick me dance and shallow dead-end relationships. He doesn’t care who gets hurt in the service of his dick.
2.) When you’re available, he’s disconnected. When you’re unavailable (or threaten it) he’s suddenly available! You want to know why the pick me dance sex is so good? You got an intermittent kibble reward. It’s brain crack. Healthy relationships feel safe. Unhealthy relationships (drama, drama, drama) are this kind of come here/go away cycle of abuse.
3.) He cheated on you, but thought hey, you could be roommates. His reaction to being busted for cheating was to MOVE IN WITH YOU? Staying with you until the end of his work contract? Who does that benefit? Entitlement much?
I could go on, but really, Sadness, we needed to abort mission at “married girlfriend.”
I feel scared I am making a mistake.
He’s the mistake. Don’t invest further in the mistake. You aren’t missing out on anything unless you have a penchant for more mindfuckery.
Scared I might be losing a true opportunity myself.
Rancid. Taco. Buffet.
Charlatans love to exude smarmy sales pitches of this One Time Very Very Special Offer! ACT NOW or you’ll MISS OUT! Suddenly he’s sorry! You better jump on that! It’s goading you into the pick me dance. And if he’s really sorry (he’s not), you can wait several therapy years to see if his character improves. Don’t waste your life on this.
I am so mad at him, we did have cool projects planned, I resent him so much for what he did and what he risked.
You can have cool projects without him.
Part of me is enticed by his new promises, resolutions and blame taking (he is seeing a therapist), but the other part feels raw with pain for what he did…
The pain is real. LISTEN TO IT. His promises are just that — promises. Words. Fakery. The pain is trying to teach you something. Pay attention.
We were a new couple and he didn’t even try to give us a chance from the start.
You’re right. He didn’t.
Grieve and move on. Shut down the mindfuck channel and STOP TAKING HIS CALLS and emails TODAY. No contact. You can do this. Your future happiness thanks you.
P.S. Tell the OW’s chump husband what’s going on. He deserves to know.