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He Walked Out for OW But Doesn’t Want a Divorce

cakeDear Chump Lady,

My story begins four years ago. My narcissist had an emotional affair with a much younger (30 years..) girl at the local amateur dramatic group. Initially, they were just ‘drawn to one another’ after acting together in a play.

He started flossing, shaving, taking his phone to the bathroom and changing his password, saying I needed to trust him… there was nothing going on.
I discovered 200 emails to each other in a secret account which portrayed me in a bad light.

Apparently, our 24 year marriage, with four children was ‘futile and middle classed’, I was never enthusiastic about anything and I had no ambition.
We went to marriage counselling as I was told our breakdown was my fault and their relationship had nothing to do with it. He said that the children were old enough to not need him anymore.

Needless to say this attraction turned into an affair and I was finally ‘told’ about this at 3 a.m. from the hotel they were consummating their deceit.

One night he even had her drop him home at 1 a.m. and was furious with me when I wanted to confront her .
The past two years have been filled with him ‘trying to be a good man’ by ending our relationship to move in with her. She texted me to say she didn’t play games or make my husband’s decisions for him. She just wanted to get on with her life, and I should do the same.

I filed for divorce, but he won’t agree to anything. I have gone no contact and solicitors do all the work, but I’m desperate to ask him, what he playing at? Why won’t he let me divorce him and move on with my life like he has his? I’m so close to emailing to say, WTF as i am so confused by what has happened. How can I move on?


Dear Nocontactwobble,

Don’t wobble on that no contact. It’s obvious what he’s doing — he’s avoiding consequences.

You’ve got a classic cake situation. This man has long enjoyed your pick-me dance (and probably the OW’s as well). Total centrality! Zero division of assets!

Then you went and filed for divorce. Right now he can imagine he’s an international man of mystery, a guy with a wife and a mistress. Who enjoys home life with four children and 1 a.m. romps with his fuckbuddy. You divorce him? Now he’s that pathetic cliche — a fuckwit who blew up his life for a much younger woman.

How can I move on?

By doing just what you’re doing — going no contact and letting the solicitors put the heavy boot of the law on his neck.

I’m sorry Sir. You don’t like your futile, middle-class life? Just hand over half the pension fund and scurry along now. Don’t forget your dental floss!

It’s very common for these fuckwits to say they want divorces and then be obstructionist about an actual divorce. The legal profession sees this all the time, and I’m sure they can advise you. But take heart, he can’t force you to stay married to him forever. (It will feel like that, but it’s finite, I promise.)

The important thing to do is stay focused on building your new life and do NOT untangle his ugly little skein. What is he playing at? Who cares. Kibbles? Deny him. Keeping his 401K? They have laws about that. This WILL proceed and he doesn’t have to like it.

Needless to say this attraction turned into an affair and I was finally ‘told’ about this at 3 a.m. from the hotel they were consummating their deceit.

Ugh. If he called you, he’s goading you into the pick me dance. If you called him, I’m sure it’s only because gaslighting broke your brain and you wanted evidence. Fact is, the day that man started shaving his back is the day he started fucking around. The particulars are too icky to contemplate, just trust the woman who’s read a million of these stories — their timelines aren’t truthful.

One night he even had her drop him home at 1 a.m. and was furious with me when I wanted to confront her.

Pointless. But we get it. You’ve been gaslighted out of your noggin.

But consider this — he was also torturing the OW. Drop me off at home with my wife? Fuckwit can’t call an Uber?

The past two years have been filled with him ‘trying to be a good man’ by ending our relationship to move in with her.

It was NEVER his decision — it’s been YOURS. I’m glad you finally decided for him. But please recognize that “dilemma” for the abusive bullshit that it is. He’s not a good man and he’s not confused. He’s eating cake at your expense.

She texted me to say she didn’t play games or make my husband’s decisions for him. She just wanted to get on with her life, and I should do the same.

Don’t you just love advice from side-dish fucks? Oh thanks Becky. I’ll be following your lifestyle blog at

I filed for divorce, but he won’t agree to anything.

He doesn’t have to agree! That’s the wonderful thing about divorce! They have judges who do the deciding!

Sure, it would be infinitely easier if everyone could be an adult and avoid expensive court costs and come to an equitable settlement, but we’re dealing with fuckwits who think they’re immune from consequences. He’s not an honest broker, so stop expecting consensus.

Why won’t he let me divorce him and move on with my life like he has his?

He hasn’t moved on with his life. He still thrills to triangulating you with the OW. But you don’t need his permission to move with YOUR life.

No more wobbling on no contact. Un-wobble yourself and full speed ahead on that divorce. Big ((hugs)).

Ask Chump Lady

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  • Nocontactwobble, You are doing the right thing. Stay no contact. Let the solicitors do the work. And get free from this a$$hat. Divorce him as quickly as the solicitors can make happen and never look back. I assure you that once the fog of pain has lifted, you will eventually look back and go “what was I thinking?” The hardest thing I think for me to get past was trying to understand WHY. Why did he do this? Whay did he lie? In your case… why won’t he let me just divorce him? The answer doesn’t even matter. They are abusive and controlling. And you’re about to free yourself from the abuse and remove his control. Congratualtions. Hang in there. We all get it (unfortunately)

  • Nocontactwobble, You are doing the right thing. Stay no contact. Let the solicitors do the work. And get free from this a$$hat. Divorce him as quickly as the solicitors can make happen and never look back. I assure you that once the fog of pain has lifted, you will eventually look back and go “what was I thinking?” The hardest thing I think for me to get past was trying to understand WHY. Why did he do this? Why did he lie? In your case… why won’t he let me just divorce him? The answer doesn’t even matter. They are abusive and controlling. And you’re about to free yourself from the abuse and remove his control. Congratualtions. Hang in there. We all get it (unfortunately)

  • Beware of hoovering. I sense it in the wings.

    Little Miss Younger might be sick of him already/is looking at younger men/won’t shave his back for him/can’t cook as well as you.

    He’s trying to keep the door open to hoover. You may fall for it in the name of ‘closure’ or winning the pick-me dance.

    Don’t. He’s found his level. Leave him there. Keep no contact. You WILL feel better.

  • “She texted me to say she didn’t play games or make my husband’s decisions for him. She just wanted to get on with her life, and I should do the same.”

    Share that text with your attorney. It may light a fire under the process. I doubt HIS attorney will be thrilled to see it.

    Other than that – maintain silence, bolt the doors and windows and if you haven’t done so already – set up a security camera system.

    Good luck!

  • CL: “It’s very common for these fuckwits to say they want divorces and then be obstructionist about an actual divorce.”

    Exactly what happened to me. Sparkledick did the math and didn’t like the consequences. He thought he was entitled to a reconciliation…

    I think crying wolf about divorce is part of the blameshifting that goes on so cheaters can always look great in the picture: it’s the chump’s fault that the cheaters were driven to stray, so chumps deserve to be punished with a divorce. Until the consequences show their ugly faces.

    Wobbly, you are going to be fine. You do not need this jackass in your life, making a fool of you. All your regrets and what-ifs and “how could I have been so stupid?” do fade away. You WILL gain a life! Take care!

  • Hang in there and stay the course! We get it. His silence and indecision can be just as crippling as his gaslighting. And, because you had 24 Yrs with this fucktwit, half of what you thought was your life was a lie and now, blown up. It’s hard to accept what is but may I suggest you do your best to accept. Make sure you stay no contact as conversing with him will only set you back. May I also suggest educating yourself about trauma bonds and red flags. It sounds like you’ve been through a lot of emotional trauma with his pick me dance and whatever other gaslighting mindfuckery he has pulled. Educating yourself will help you accept what is, grieve, heal, and recognize so you don’t attach yourself to other people like him in the future. As you come out of the fog, you may realize he had a lot more fucked up patterns throughout your marriage and the realization of more fuckery happened behind your back. Remember healing is a process and it takes time to fully recover. I know it doesn’t seem like it now but when you look back on all of this years down the road, your divorce will only become a blip. It’s the other things that you discover through your healing process that will become more profound. Big hugs! ????

  • It is economically better for him not to divorce. And playing on it provides him with lots of drama to paint you as the bad guy. He also feels he can wear you down and get a better deal by obstructing a settlement.

    • ^ Agreed. Fuktard self represented during the divorce and dragged the process on for years which allowed him a continuous supply of kibble as well as time to negotiate his end. He actually tried to make me & the judges feel sorry for him. While waiting in the lobby for the final trial, he settled with my lawyer (coward) but also refused to divorce me. My lawyer found a way around that and finalized the paperwork. Fuktard was notified by mail 🙂

      Wobbly, he’s an idiot. Divorce him as quickly as possible & stay no contact to preserve your sanity. Come back here everyday for strength. You’ve got this !

    • As an aside – he probably has told Schmoopie that you are the one holding up the divorce, and therefore – he cannot remarry at this time.

      Get thou to your lawyers and set the fuckwit free.

    • Yes. Most of these assholes are so self absorbed and feel so free of consequences that it doesn’t occur to them HOW MUCH they will financially lose when they blow up their marriages. Mine became irate and hostile when he was told that he was going to have to GIVE UP HALF of our stuff. He dragged things out because of this. It sucked. He harassed me and became threatening.

      Mentally, emotionally, and practically prepare to deal with the worst behavior you can possibly imagine out of him, and refuse to engage with him AT ALL about the divorce outside of your lawyer’s office.

      I wish I had done this earlier. I thought I could engage with him and slowly over time he’d come around, spare us the expense of court and attorneys. Maybe do some sensible negotiations and trade assets, in case a complete split down the middle of everything wasn’t exactly what we wanted.

      Nope, after almost 12 months of being abused by him and making zero headway, it took my attorney drafting a request for a court order and attaching all of his nasty emails and texts, and telling him he had 5 hours to either sign the agreement to split our assets or this thing gets filed and he loses all ability to keep things private (the filing would be a public document) and will likely be forced to pay all attorneys fees and may face sanctions for his stonewalling. He signed…but not after sending off a few final emails telling me what a bitch I was. But, I was free.

      So, skip the back-and-forth and go straight to legal action. This guys already shown you how unreasonable he is. It won’t get better, and will likely get much worse, better to hit the nuclear button fast and decisively.

  • NoContactwobble, start by deleting his contact in your phone. Then block the hell out of hell out of both of them, Blockety block block! Your kids are grown, no need to maintain that Avenue of abuse.
    It becomes so much easier to not wobble when you aren’t being actively gas lighted. Remove yourself from his reach. Refuse to be abused. You have nothing to work with here. Let that cheater experience the consequences of his choices.

    I maintain a notebook entitled “List of Grievances” in which I detail his cruelties. Whenever I feel wobbly I reread that list. It strengthens my backbone. Adultery is abuse and my List of Grievances is evidence of his abuse.

    He doesn’t want a divorce? Too bad, so sad. LTC Asswipe Stonewall told our adult sons he didn’t want the divorce. He neglected to ever mention that fact to me. It was just his attempt to control the narrative. Here is your opportunity to control the narrative. Don’t wobble, you deserve so much more than a cheating husband who maligns you.

    Block him. Divorce him. Reclaim your time. As a last piece of encouragement, have you had an STI panel? Getting that done will strengthen your spine to never let him abuse you again. Good Luck. You deserve so much more.

  • It was all fun and games–YOLO!–until you got the law involved. Your fault!!! He liked how it was going when he was playing the role of Hugh Hefner. And losing assets cuts in half (at least) the appeal to this 30-years-his-junior (gross!) OW, which is a really bad look and nothing flossing or shaving can fix.

    My guess is that the non-affair-addled part of his entitled brain knows that this young OW (with apparent daddy issues) will drop him soon, and he’ll be completely alone.

    Within a year, he’ll be alone in some apartment setting up his online dating profile and wondering what the hell happened to him. As others have suggested, he’ll probably come crawling back. Shut that door! Write down what’s pissing you off about him now so you don’t forget. Refer to that document if you get wobbly down the road.

    Good luck! He sucks. Stay strong!

    • “Within a year, he’ll be alone in some apartment setting up his online dating profile and wondering what the hell happened to him.”

      LOVE this visual! This is where my ex is at. I googled his address — and it is an overpriced crappy LA apartment. He must miss MY rapidly appreciating North Idaho farm and the life we had. Suddenly, I am getting little information filled texts about our adult children from him. He is “being nice” and wanting to be friends. I am waiting for the tearful remorse of “I made a huge mistake”. I have no interest in reconciliation. But I would enjoy kicking him in the teeth.

      • ” I have no interest in reconciliation. But I would enjoy kicking him in the teeth.”

        I get this, my fw hoovered back the last time dragging our preacher into it. Oh, I didn’t kid myself that he had changed, or that whore was out of the picture. I knew he just wanted to destabilize me, but I got to reject him, walk out on the session and that still felt good.

        The funny thing was, he chased me out of the building and ask me to sign our tax check. He said I will get half of it to you. I said, is this why we are here today, you could have just asked me to sign it. I told him to keep it all and left. That was the last time I ever talked to him aside from a quick nod at a few family events. The check was only for 287 dollars. I knew he would never give me my half anyway. If it had been a big check, I would have said you write me a check for half and I will sign it.

      • Discarded wife, I wish this was my story. Mine is with his 9 year younger OW and her teenage daughter( our kids are in their 30’s). He love bombed her and her rich daddy, living in her house that daddy paid off and going to the cottage( errr trailer) on summer weekends. He had to “get rid of my old life in order to start a new one”( I wish he had said that to my kids).He is doing just fine as the old stinky con man will do. I wish karma would run him over a few times but trying my best to just live my life.

        • “He had to get rid of his old life to start a new one”. That is almost word for word what Chris Watts said on why he chose to murder his chumped wife and their children. You were lucky to get away when you did. He might have turned out to be worse than just a con man.

      • Yes, this is the catch-22 of abandonment/discard: on the one hand, I read stories like Wobble’s and feel very fortunate that my ex didn’t put me through the torture of cake-eating, pick-me dancing, etc., and that I didn’t have to go through the agony of being the one to officially end the marriage. On the other hand, being discarded left him holding all the cards, so to speak: he got all the agency, the last word, etc. I really struggled, and still struggle 18 mos. later, with feeling rejected and powerless. I would love the opportunity to “kick him in the teeth.” But I’ll likely never get it: that was part of my ex’s whole strategy, to make sure I carried all the vulnerability in the process of separation and divorce, and him none of it (even though he took a bath financially b/c he makes a lot more than I do, and we live in a community property state–but due to his earnings he’ll be able to quickly absorb that loss). It’s a tough pill to swallow some days.

        • Oh, Okupin. That’s tough.

          Honestly, mine left me no choice so, in a way, I think we might be in similar boats.

          When he confessed to the affair, he didn’t beg me to reconcile. Instead, he said he wanted to marry the OW. Yes, I’m the one who filed for divorce, but I would guess that he was about to do the same. I wanted to be the plaintiff so pulled the trigger first. When he was served, he emailed me something like, “Thanks for serving me. We could have done it more cheaply had we gone to court together” or something like that. He couldn’t resist the criticism. No appreciation for the sheer hell of it all for me.

          Anyway, it’s really disgusting that your ex wanted you to “carry all the vulnerability.” It’s like a continuation of the affair abuse. Keep the spouse in the dark. Give her no agency. Let her make no decisions. Let her feel rejected and powerless. It’s sick and kind of sadistic.

          They suck!

          • Indeed. I *loved* your comment above about how in a year he’ll be alone in an apartment updating his online dating profile and wondering what the hell happened. That made my day: I know it’s not supposed to b/c I’m supposed to be focusing on my own Fantastic Life and not giving a sh*t what happens to him. But for those of us who never got a say in the situation, the distant beep of the karma bus backing up is a sound we long for….

            • Oh, I’m with you on keeping my ears perked for the sound of the karma bus backing up.

              I say we cut ourselves some slack for feeling this way. Our Tuesdays will come…

        • Yeah, it sucks either way. If you’re abandoned, you don’t have any way of knowing what happened and you’re shocked and disoriented. Yet the fuckwit still finds a way to continue to abuse you through the divorce process, as your cheater is doing, and you aren’t free from the asshole’s by proxy abuse for quite some time. He’s extending his power trip for as long as he can. That must be so hard to take.

          OTOH, if the fuckwit wants to stay and eat cake, you get in person, in your face abuse as they continue to lie, blameshift, minimize and gaslight. Often they continue to cheat while pretending they want to reconcile. They revel in the power and control of keeping you in limbo while continuing their con job.

          Whether a runaway cheater or a cake eater, they’re all horrible people. Even the allegedly reconciled unicorns I’ve heard about sound like horrible people and I’m sorry for any chump who kept one.
          This too shall pass okupin. It’s a struggle just to accept the sheer injustice of it, let alone the pain, but you will get to the point of accepting that it happened but that it need not affect your future.

          • Thank you, OHFFS. I’ve been working on that lately–trying to remind myself that the cheater is no longer in my life, that I’m safe now (divorce was finalized Sept. 2019 and financials sorted out the next month), and I can choose what I want my life to be like and whom I want to share it with. Some days I can really feel that freedom and revel in it; other days, I’m just so tired, and I have no idea what I want or how to get it. But I know it’s already better than it was, living with the cheater, because like you said, they’re all horrible people no matter what particular flavor they come in, and at least I’m not trapped with that anymore.

    • BINGO! Exactly so. OW will tire of pick me dancing over the spectre of fuckwit’s STBX and tire of him not having the money to pamper her.

      My jerk was so enfeebled by being dumped that, according to people who know him, he just stays in his shitty apartment, gobbling anti-depressants, and rarely makes contact with the outside world. I guess his doctor doesn’t understand that they don’t work if you’re depressed because you’re an asshole who sucks so much that you ruined your life. Boo fucking hoo. Too bad for him that there’s no such thing as anti-asshole medication.

      • Bahaha This made my day. Anti-a$$- hole meds!! No wonder my STBXH is depressed! I could never figure it out as he had literally everything going on for him (looks, health, career, success, beautiful home, financial success, healthy wonderful beautiful smart children, supportive family and a beautiful nice wife that lives him and has his back, why is he unhappy? Why is he depressed? Because he is an a_$ hole that is why snd he knows it and he can’t live with his shame and guilt. Thank you. I know now. WIW this is a revelation. Thank you!

        • Oh, I doubt it’s about shame and guilt. If cheaters felt those emotions, they couldn’t do what they do. Shame and guilt work to stop you from doing wrong. That’s their purpose. Remember, they don’t think, feel or react like normal people. WE would feel guilt and shame about hurting loved ones, so we assume they would too. I’m pretty sure that if they do, it’s to an insignificant extent and is easily shrugged off.
          I think fuckwit depression is about their emptiness and self loathing, which they have had all their lives and has nothing to do with their partner, their circumstances, their job or whatever else they want to blame it on. Cheating is a coping mechanism for feeling empty, hollow and worthless.
          One of the most common excuses cheaters use is that affairs (or casual hook-ups, whore fucking, kink indulging, whatever) make them “feel alive”, or words to that effect. They are actually being honest when saying this, though it’s certainly no excuse. They stupidly think they feel that way because the schmoopie is awesome and makes them happy, or they have a high sex drive, are fulfilling a need for kinky sex, are meeting emotional needs for acceptance, twu wuv, whatever, none of their stated reasons are what it’s really about. They are actually inadvertently admitting that unless they have all that drama, intrigue and feeling of being powerful, there is no distraction from their lifelong feeling of being dead inside. By saying they did it to “be happy” (probably the top favorite cheater excuse), they are admitting that unless they are sneaking around, duping you and engaging in sophomoric dramatics and hijinks to distract them, they notice they are miserable. Maybe at one time your relationship was sufficient distraction from their internal hollowness, but it ceased to be, so they cheated. Or perhaps it never was. Who knows? They certainly won’t tell us when they started planning to cheat.
          So they blame the chump for “making” them unhappy rather than face the reality that they are missing the internal resources that are needed for a happy, fulfilling life.
          Imagine having to live inside their heads. I’m pretty sure I’d kill myself if I had to live with the awful black hole that is inside them even temporarily.
          But I don’t feel sorry for them, because they could choose healthy coping mechanisms rather than cheating. They could choose to face the truth, get therapy and commence with self improvement. They could choose to try to fill the hole by doing charitable service for others, by being kind, caring and helpful. They could choose to invest in their spouses and children, to focus on those relationships and how they can improve the way they relate to others. Hell, they could even just get a damn hobby to distract them and take up the time they would have otherwise spent chasing ass. But no. They’re extremely cowardly about facing and dealing with their fucked up attitudes and emotions, plus they’re lazy slugs, so they prefer to do easy, fun stuff and take the risk of blowing up multiple lives rather than do any real work on themselves. Losers and weaklings, each and every one of them.

          • This is one of the best things I’ve read. I feel that today the blinders have been taken off. You nailed it right on it head, I can’t thank you enough..there is a link f of self loathing and engaging in destructive behaviors to make him feel alive, I do g because I know who I am, I am always happy and fulfilled and I have everything I need to be happy, myself and my clean conscious. His hell was there before I came along, and I was a temporary reprieve to a lot de long struggle with unworthiness. He can be happy know with the fact, he is worthless. I feel sorry for him, seriously.

          • “they are missing the internal resources that are needed for a happy, fulfilling life.”

            I think that is so true. It is why most of them keep seeking, more women, bigger toys etc. They keep trying to fill that emptiness with the next fix.

          • OHFFS
            You nailed this.
            Internal hollowness is more like external hollowness
            My ex husband did this not only to his first wife and child, but to his second wife(me) and children.
            Sorry sacks of sh#t.

          • This is so elucidating. My cheater blamed our “dynamic” (it wasn’t me, it was our relationship) for not giving him the emotional closeness he longed for. It lead me to question if I’m a shallow shell of a person incapable of recognizing and responding to emotional needs. Whether or not I am that shallow shell I think there’s something missing deep inside of him. He was hell-bent on blowing up his life and there was nothing I could have done to prevent it.

            • “He was hell-bent on blowing up his life and there was nothing I could have done to prevent it.”

              That is exactly how I felt at the time CD. I even voiced it like that to our preacher. I said, he is determined to destroy his life, and I just have to let go and get out of the way. I had to save myself.

              The preacher agreed.

              His life quickly became a downward spiral, he just kept making more and more stupid financial decisions. My son tried to help him, not with finances but to help get him to make better choices. Nope, he was going to do it his way.

            • Chumpydance, if you don’t know them already, look up ‘word salad’ and ‘DARVO’ in CL’s archives. Classic cheater strategies and exactly what your cheater was doing!

    • I can definitely see a lot of these much younger APs seeing the WS as being much more attractive while they’re still actually married vs divorced and all wrung out. Even putting aside finances, which can vary so much from couple to couple, it’s just so much easier to look out together and successful when you have a spouse pulling all the weight. Is AP gonna find it attractive when FW is trying to figure out how to parent his kids or maybe even just exist as a solo functioning adult. I very much doubt she wants to slip into the role of caregiver. Part of the appeal is that he says he’ll leave his wife for her, but it’s kind of a bummer when it actually happens.

      • Oh so true!

        I heard that once a greyhound catches the mechanical rabbit, it no longer wants to race. I suspect a lot of APs are like this. Once the thrill of the chase is over, they move on (unless, of course, there’s a huge financial gain).

        p.s. Love the image of “divorced and all wrung out.”

      • You know I had never really thought of that before. I often wondered why on earth these women would stay in the background for so long. There is a draw. It makes sense. I mean in my case alone he was giving her money for her bills, buying her gifts. Aside from the thrill of sneaking around, that has to be it.

  • No contact is absolutely the way to go! I feel your pain. My ex walked out on me and our 3 kids in 2017. He had greener pastures with a newly inherited home and his hunting buddy! No time for wife of 25 years or our beautiful children. Wouldn’t file for divorce until June 2018 and as of today we are still not divorced. Thought we had it finalized before the holiday but now he is demanding yet another walk through of our house to see what he forgot when he had movers come move him out in June 2018. He’s moved on and lives his secret life in his new place but can’t seem to let me move on with mine. Frustrating!

    • I’d be tempted to hire a storage locker put everything except generic household items and one ugly piece of furniture/art that you hate in there and then pretend that you’re concerned he’ll take that and see what happens. What a tool

    • I hate to say it, and I hope you’re free by now, but I think a lot of these people feel like their betrayed spouses are pets or stuffed animals or something they own and control indefinitely. They don’t want to let go – I don’t even know if a lot of them want or value freedom or even money. I don’t even think a lot of them think about coming back in the future necessarily. I think what many value more than anything else is controlling and dominating someone else. It makes them feel big and important and powerful – which is what all bullies want to be.

  • No contact wobble, I know *exactly* what you’re going through, my ex fuckwit behaved in precisely the same way.

    Ignored everything that was sent to him, wouldn’t sign the divorce papers, etc. I had to pay to have him served. (On Valentine’s Day ????). I also felt like it would go on forever.

    But CL is spot on, this moron can’t delay forever, it really is *not* down to him, so leave everything in your solicitors hands, and do. not. break. NC.

    That would just give him thrills and kibbles. The obstructionism is infuriating, I know. It’s all part of their arseholery – you’re not the boss of me, hoping to avoid consequences, and the sheer pleasure of denying you what you want, a divorce.

    Hang in there sweetheart, leave everything to your solicitor. It *will* eventually come to an end, and *you will be free*.

    (((hugs)) ????????

    • I served him on Valentines Day too! Interrupted his sending identical videos to his on 6 plus on line sexting buddies. Hey. Who knew if use the word sweetie instead of a proper name you can send the same video to everyone you’re lying to!
      Hang in there Wobble.

      • Not only was he served on Valentine’s Day, the rat faced whore opened the door to the process server. ????????

        The process server told me, “he wasn’t happy”. ????????????

    • Ha, I love it.

      I got my ex to file because that is how I wanted it. I don’t remember the day I got my papers, but I didn’t get served; they were in the mail box.

      However it took a year for our divorce to become final. When I got the final decree in the mail; I noticed the judge had stamped it on 14 Feb. So much for love ever after. Lol.

  • He ‘doesn’t want’? Who gives one iota of a shit what he wants? He’s an abusive liar. Who cares what he wants?

    He’s already had plenty of what he wants.

    The only thing I care about in this situation is what is best for you, what YOU want. Time for you to get to decide something that doesn’t massively screw YOU over now. More than fair.

    He doesn’t want a divorce? Entitled jerk. He can ‘not want’ himself right the hell out of town for all I care. He ‘not want’ed himself into this situation the moment he deceived you, the moment he broke the agreements that are the foundation of the relationship, the moment he used you as dishonest leverage to manipulate a much younger person into fantasy sex.

    He can stick his wants wherever he’s been sticking his pork sword.

    Divorce makes sense. Let him whine. Let him think all the bad thoughts about you, from waaaaaaay far away from you, for the rest of both of your lives.

    That’s my two cents.

  • Wobble… think about it, your marriage over the last 24 years… how much of anything did he initiate? Did he plan vacations for family; get the kids their physicals or dental appointments; was he much for checking homework and signing permission slips? My very Mr. Sparkles was CRAP at all the above – adulting wasn’t exciting enough for someone as special as him.

    When he left for the OW (of which there were many d-days prior and I stayed)… I even had to co-sign his lease because he never even took care of his own credit score. But I digress, I picked me danced for a year while he split his time with the OW who had two young kids… and our family… but once he introduced our son to her family, I knew I WAS DONE. That was after a year of him having moved out for his ‘twu wuv. I often wondered why the OW wasn’t wondering where the divorce was after all that time – I expect he was telling her I was the obstructionist.

    So, I filed pro se… we had a pre-nup (my insistance)… so it should’ve been pretty straight forward… but he ignored the papers. So I upped the ante and hired a lawyer, he called me a bitch. So then he came to the pre-nup hearing (he was contesting it pro se)… and he lost. Then, he hired a lawyer for the appeal… then we went to mediation… then he finally gave up. TWO YEARS to divorce a man who didn’t wanted to be married to me or raise our family together.


    Keep pressing on with the divorce (aka consequences)… let his theatrical ingenue “win”. Grab a box of popcorn and sit back and watch the shitshow… (actually, I’d recommend Call the Midwife on Netflix instead and leave those two cheaters on their own).


    • Great advice! “Adulting wasn’t exciting enough for someone as special as him.” That sums it up! Mine has never done to dash to day hard stuff with the kids, house, dogs, etc. he just wasn’t a the glory when there is a show or success. And I may add he’s playing a similar game as woobly. All of a sudden he’s the victim, and acting so happy to be home. I know it’s all a Hoover tactic. He doesn’t want to split assets, he likes control of everything especially finances.

  • He’s not your friend.
    Do not treat him like he is a confidente; like he should value the marriage and the years that were invested.
    Guess what? He doesn’t. There is one person on his agenda and it’s not you and it’s not your children either.
    Hard to accept but there it is.
    Take what you can get and get out and be free from this kind of abusive relationship where he devalues you and discards you and then comes (upcoming!) back to you with a (temporary) hoover when 30 year old something gets bored with old man w back hair.

    The marriage counselor you went to totally sucks and is a fuck wit.

  • So much of this is familiar, they all operate from the same script. He starts paying particular attention to his grooming habits particularly to areas down south, he’s cheating. They do love the triangulation and pick me dance, so much do they can con us into playing and we don’t even realize it! Of course they want to keep us in their web of control, they keep the power, money, we fawn over them, they feel special. Mine actually told me he wanted a fielder last year and finally I was done, I said fine. I haven’t wavered, now as it gets closer he’s back to hovering. All likely bc he doesn’t want the consequences like splitting his 401k and the embarrassment that he fucked his trashy, ugly ho-worker. I feel the same like I’m trapped with a husband that despite him always being grumpy, moody and ever wanting to be here now wants to Hoover us all back. It’s frustrating, nice to hear CL’a advice!

  • NoContactWobble,

    I’m sorry your soon-to-be-ex-husband abuses you, and doesn’t reciprocate the love and trust you gave him. Hug to you.

    Reasonable people with empathy take responsibility for their actions, seek answers to understand better, and offer explanations to help others understand better. The answers you seek from your abuser will never come to you. I hate that.

    I try to hear and follow advice I hear from dear friends: Stay no contact. Let lawyers close out your divorce process. Meanwhile, mourn what you feel you lost, identify things you want, pursue them, and enjoy life again. You will. Take those steps. Begin today. Start now.

    Hug to you.

  • One of the (many) problems I have with FW’s and their much younger affair partners is the screaming selfishness and lack of connection with even basic manners. They all seem to feel they are the center of the universe, and only their problems are important. For a much older man to think he is perceived as a “stud” with a younger woman, indicates he is completely out of touch with reality. In my experience, people wonder why she is out and about with grandpa, or wonder just what this outing is costing him?

    For the young AP to be calculating how much better off she would be with grandpa paying the bills, or how much easier it would be to assume your life, than to work and build one of her own, I can only observe the “YUCK” factor. They have no empathy or remorse for the spouse left behind with the bills to pay and the children to care for. Oh yes, another splendid aspect, the “what did you do to drive him away?” question.

    I don’t know how many of you have been following the news story of the young woman visiting New York City who lost her phone and decided she had the right to 1)seize, and 2)search the phone of a 14 year old black son of the hotel’s guest. She actually tackled this young man when his father pointed out that his son had his own I-phone, and in fact many people in the city did. She did not have the right to accuse, seize, or search. I saw her interview on the news this morning. She did not follow her lawyer’s instructions, she shushed the interviewer (Gail King of CBS), and said she was just a child herself (at 22, alone in New York). She was inconvenienced. She was not being racist, or rude, she just wanted her phone. It had all her information and funds on it, and she was traumatized. Really? How selfish and rude can she possibly be? I wonder if she will ever discover she is not the only one with feelings?

    It is this type of attitude that AP’s show when they agree to date someone who is married, and then text the spouse to get on with her life. It is selfish, it is rude, it indicates bad manners, and an unlikely prospect of a pleasant future. For this young lady, and anyone coming into contact with her, I can only say learn about patience and civility. Try finding your own partner instead of poaching someone else’s.

    For the FW who claims he is so unhappy in his marriage. Have a conversation with your partner, and be forthright in your divorce. Then go play with you new little friends of the moment. I’m sure you will be unhappy wherever you find yourself, because you will be there. I hope you get everything you deserve, and are granted the same amount of mercy that you give to others.

    • The problem is for them, men their own age won’t put up with them and foot their bills. That takes grandpa with a semi hard dick who is willing to do that. Since there are no longer as many well off guys to go around (married or not) they have to go for the average guy. (in terms of wealth) After all, they can at least drain him dry; then move on.

      Also likely limp dick is telling schmoopie that he will get most everything in the divorce because chump is a push over. Gotta keep the schmoops in putting out mode. And in many cases they are right. I know this chump was a pushover. But, something changes in a chump during the discard phase.

      • Susie, you are right about money. Always money. He is hoping stalling will make you give up and you won’t fight for your share. Let your lawyers handle it and you move on emotionally, mentally and physically. He is such a tired old cliche.

        • YES! I am sad to report that I did this… over a year of horror, sleepless, scared and emaciated from stress and throwing up constantly after being verbally based and threatened, health declining from the hell of it all. I signed away my fair share just to make it end. I HATE this now. I wish I’d seen it for what it is. As Letgo says, it is all about the money!!

          Be strong for you and your kids… and maybe even for all of us that wish we could have done it better. XO

      • 100% — you called it. They ARE all the same. XH apparently was screwing whomever was willing including a much younger golddigger who at 30 was still living at home with her psychiatrist-cheater dad and his AP. She got uppity, demanded after 2 year affair that my XH (married 25 years – 4 kids) leave and give her my life! Kids found out, told me, and after 18 weeks of gaslighting HELL I said GTFO. He continued hoovering, gaslighting, trying to control me. Said he didn’t want to divorce— that baffled me. WTF?! But, he refused to stop fucking the whore(s), refused to take any responsibility, refused to go to treatment and get off drugs, refused to sign a post-nup, refused to take polygraphs. It was obvious there was nothing to work with. I filed. I pushed the divorce along despite his obstruction- he demanded ridiculous documentation (e.g. tax return going back 24 years – fine! I provided them within 24 hours, mediation? Sure, I made myself available every possible day. Deposition? Same…). XH went into a rage. I refused to cower to his serious threats to destroy me financially. I went all the way to trial. The judge gave me every single asset, full child support.. the judge said he didn’t believe one word of XH’s testimony. He believed all my evidence (documentation and expert testimony about value of homes and XH’s business and my earning ability). BOOM!

        Fast forward 6 years. Life is so peaceful and I’m so relieved to be free of his abuse. I feel so lucky I found CL and went no contact.

    • Yes to this! It is a crystal ball, they will always be unhappy wherever they go because the source of unhappiness is THEM. The first time my husband walked out he blamed me for his depression and unhappiness. This time around he knows is him and admitted it. He sux and at least he knows it now. Take your cloud of negativity with you! Your children and I ARE happy and don’t need you to be happy. Go search for your greener grass as soon as possible please! Mine is hovering also, I don’t understand it, so you don’t love me, being around me makes you anxious, everyone else is happier etc.etc.etc. then why are you going out of your way to be here? You want your kibbles? Want to be the center of our devotion? Newsflash a$$ wipe, we are not waiting for you anymore.

    • That same woman was just arrested again. DUI. I am hoping the judge does not offer her attendance at AA meetings in lieu of jail. That’s what my XH got way back in the late 80’s when he rolled his truck, severing two fingers on his right hand and by some miracle not killing his girlfriend. I always thought he chose AA to join his drinking buddies that had gotten into recovery in earnest. Now I’ll bet he just wanted to avoid jail. Well, crappy character and bad decisions create a better jail. One that is escape-proof unless one does the very hard work of introspection and change. Which cheaters don’t do.

      I’ve been vicariously enjoying the legal karma in the news in the past week or so….justice served is good for my own wound.

  • These cheaters love control. I have seen so many cases of them not wanting a divorce… and actively making it difficult to get one. Division of assets, alimony, and child support are all the things they’d rather avoid.
    They fall got the OW hard d as no quickly, but do not want to break ties with the actual wife. Just in case.

    My ex did not want a divorce either. But he clearly wanted to leave me. It sucked the life out of me that I had to do all the heavy lifting in the divorce when I was so shocked and heartbroken by what he had done.

    You are doing the right thing! Stay strong. No contact is a mental health saver. Trust that he ducks and is indeed of poor character.

    Read more of my story here:

  • Moving on with the divorce is always the right answer. He has show you who he is, believe him.

    My ex ended up getting the young girl pregnant and now has a second family. I had pushed through the divorce before all that happened, which was a huge relief as a new woman with a baby doesn’t like him paying child support to family #1. Too bad.

    Lawyers, no contact and finding yourself, as the strong, no bullshit taking, independent woman you are is the only path forward.

  • He wants to keep you as Plan B and for triangulation with OW. This is a dude who clearly loves pitting two women against each other. He figures if he makes it hard for you to get the divorce, the process dragging on will give him time to keep you in place until OW has had enough of his antics and doesn’t want to pick me dance anymore.
    This guy is just an abuser who wants two victims. The difference is that OW signed up to be with a nasty two-timing rat and you didn’t.
    No contact means he can’t play his sick games with you, just with her. He’s reduced to dragging out the divorce and making sure OW thinks he might be wavering in his affections to keep her insecure, and when the divorce is done, since you’re NC, he’ll have to find himself a new hypotenuse. Finding someone new is effort and cheaters are lazy, so they usually try the hoover maneuver first. Sucks for him that you won’t be responding, because you might wobble but you don’t fall down.???? In the meantime he goads you to break NC by making it difficult for you to divorce him. Let your solicitor deal with his obstructionism and go about your business as if he didn’t exist. Freedom is coming, and thank all heaven you won’t have to put up with this creep’s cruel, manipulative bullshit anymore.

    • I forgot to mention; for the OW to go as far as texting you to demand you “move on” means she’s extremely insecure. She wants you totally out of the picture because she’s exhausted from dancing so hard. Fuckwit is probably telling her YOU don’t want the divorce and hinting that the two of you might get back together in order to keep her doing the pick me polka.
      Yeesh, this guy is a loser. Don’t respond to any of her provocations either. They should both be treated as non-entities. That not only helps you, but has the added benefit that the triangle drama and thrill of transgression will be gone, thereby destroying what they have, because believe me, that’s all they really have.
      Then, once you’ve healed, you can sit back and laugh at their self-created karma.

  • “but I’m desperate to ask him, what he playing at?“. Do I detect some hopium here? I certainly remember thinking that his stalling the divorce meant that deep down he wanted me and our marriage. No, He didn’t. He wanted to maintain control over the money. They’re all the same, Wobble. They take advantage of our trust and hope, manipulate us for their own advantage. So there is no need to be desperate to ask him why he’s stalling. It’s for purely shallow selfish reasons that benefit him and hurt you. Don’t fall for it. Stay. No. Contact.

  • Solidarity to you Wobbles. It’s frustrating dealing with the level of passive aggressive that these entitled dung nuggets come up with.

    I’m in the process of that too. I went ape shit out of my head today in a tantrum as good as a five year old after a few days of shit sandwich dining (not in front of dung beetle STBX though thankfully). Mental damage is their weapon. But we have to be Ninja about that. No letting them on that they have any affect.

    I’m trying to get his lawyers name…just the name, so I can pass it on to my lawyer. Apparently, I could have details about his lawyer, such that they are returning to work on the 18th etc. But the name – I cannot be privvy to that information. Does the lawyer actually exist? Or is it a stalling tactic? I think the latter.

    I guess I will have to be paying for a lawyer to call him and extract the name of his lawyer. What silly silly games they play! Ridiculous people. Be mighty Wobbles. I’m there with you.

    • What country are you in? In the U.S. at least, his lawyer would have to file an appearance of entry. Without that, he doesn’t have a lawyer.

      Correct me if I’m wrong, CN.

      • I was wondering that.

        In my case, he filed, and I took that paperwork to my lawyer. He didn’t know who my lawyer was until the paperwork was processed, and I didn’t know the name of his.

      • I am living in New Zealand. You can’t divorce right away. There is a 2 year separation period here. Hence I need to get a separation agreement on how to divide the property and assets. We did marry in the states and are both dual citizens of NZ and USA. I guess I may have the option to do some kind of expatriate divorce process as well.
        My lawyer told me at our first meeting that we could do the agreement without lawyers involved if we wanted not to pay alot of fees, but then the lawyers file it once agreed. However, I can’t see that being a productive process with someone who is obstructing. I will have to get them involved. I’m sure it will save my sanity.

        • The New Zealand system is not set-up to deal with assholes, it took me two and a half years, $70,000 in fees and a court order to get a separation order agreed.

          All solicitors will tell you it’s ruinously expensive to fight (and it is), but getting someone who refuses, to engage in separation arrangements, is almost impossible resolve, and the delay in the family courts is 8 – 9 months. Get an offer in writing of 50/50 split, and see what response you get.

          I wish I’d pushed the court button a lot sooner in hindsight. It’s so very difficult to move on without a separation agreement (divorce is just a formality after that).

          Good luck.

    • “entitled dung nuggets ”

      Ahhh haha, I love the terms I learn on CN. I so wish I had all this available in my time of horror.

    • Let your lawyer write a letter to DungBeetle to ask about the lawyer’s name. And let him file a motion to compel if he doesn’t comply. Talk to your lawyer about a plan to get around his obstructions and then work that plan. It will help you feel less powerless.

        • Oh, and if he won’t give you the name of his lawyer, ask your lawyer to send an offer to him directly (signature courier – do it at his work) with your 50/50 separation offer with a time limit, say 28 days for a response.

          If he refuses, or fails to respond, go the court route – even if you press the court button now it’ll be September before it’s heard.

          • Thanks for the tips Morse. He works from home and won’t tell me where he lives either! Little skunk (well, that’s an insult to skunks, apologies).
            I got a lawyers name from him today after more pressure about the expense of doing this via lawyers letters. He has not even been in to talk to them yet. Mind boggling passive aggressive antics.
            I wonder if I can file in the USA as an expatriate? I’m going to investigate that. Would be sweet to circumvent the long winded NZ process.

    • Mine doesn’t want me to know his lawyers name either. It’s all about control. The funny part is that I don’t give a rats behind, I just need it so I can give it to mine. He is absolutely INSULTED that I sought legal representation. He was furious and said that I didn’t trust him. I told him that it was my right and that if the tables were reversed, I would encourage him to do the same. I’m so glad I was recommeded this website to sort through his BS. They are all the same clearly with the control, hovering, and manipulation..who is this man???

      • Definitely painted with the same brush.
        Mine threatened like crazy almost every argument (the times when I didn’t get immediate withdrawl and silent treatment for any slight to his ego or my expression of wanting a marital partnership) about getting a divorce and now look….
        They are so weak minded and all posturing, no substaance.

  • It’s the trashing you to the AP that gets me. You POS, your spouse didn’t do anything to you but be loyal to you and share life with you and you throw them under the bus for some new attention? I guess it’s easier to justify to yourself what you’re doing if you can trash your spouse to the AP.

    The threaten divorce/blow up your marriage and then proceed to drag it out tactic is so cliché at this point. My ex has done this. Had affairs, threatened me with divorce during the separation part when I was trying to save it. She wouldn’t stop the affair nor the lying so I filed for divorce. She raged about it because of the financial aspect and then later said she never wanted the divorce. She has done everything to drag it out despite little to argue over.

    Can’t give up that last bit of control, can you, FWs?

  • Jeez I’m so sorry. Having been involved in the local Dramatic Society as a child and young adult I can confirm they are always a hotbed of narcissistic luvvies that blow smoke up each other’s asses and a breeding ground for mid life crises. The only thing futile and middle class is your STBXs insistence on being a walking cliche. You’ve been cast as the sexless, controlling spouse and killer of all fun. She’s a stupid ditz who bought into the feels that acting brings and wow! He started observing some basic hygiene practices there, so it must be love! He’s thrilling to the triangulation but you’ve done the best thing, turned your back and left them to their third rate summer stock romance. There’s no fool like an old fool. Hugs

  • Yes be mighty, Wobbly! X also didn’t want a divorce, he said ‘because the man always gets trashed financially’. Not to worry about me supporting our 3 children with my part-time low-paid job, chosen because I’d been out of the workforce for so long I couldn’t get better and our daughter was traumatized and couldn’t go to school, so I needed to be flexible. He also ‘didn’t want to be a twat’, but chose to leave us to ‘explore’ his relationship with a girl 18 years younger. It took me 18 months to fight through the hopium and kick him out, and another year to divorce him. He was always a step behind me, I think because he didn’t really blieve it was happening. When he said ‘I don’t know what cake-eating is’, I recognised it as the opening gambit for some word salad mindfuckery and just told him to look it up. I didn’t trust myself to discuss it with him and be persuaded he would never do that to me. Wobbly, file for divorce yourself because he’s taking advantage of you massively. All tge best to you!

  • Sadly this is so very common. Mine actually initiated the divorce, and then fought like crazy to prevent it from happening. His attorney got repeatedly over-the-top frustrated and told my ex off, and then would turn around and call mine to rant. I think his attorney actually wanted it over more than my ex did, and ultimately his attorney threw him to the curb and gave him a deadline to sign or he’d quit.

    Yes, it’s control. It’s cake eating. All that stuff.

    You just have to hang in there with legal side of it and get away from him. Don’t overthink it. He’s a monumental jerk, and not worth your time. It helped me to just step and away and let his drama go on without overthinking the why and wherefore questions.

    My divorce should have been a matter of months, and the legal part of closeout should have been a matter of weeks. I spent way too much on legal fees that I really couldn’t afford while he hung on and on. I had good lawyers; it’s just how it is. The legal system is so big on getting agreement and fairness that you just have to hold on and wait for the wheels of justice to move it along.

    • I had the same experience. He filed but dragged it out. I had to file motions to compel basic financial information. I thought surely he was hiding something..nope just acting like a 12 year old brat.

      His lawyer was fed up by the end and I think it actually helped in my favor Bc he was convinced to settle after trial.

      • Yes, mine settled out of court. My attorney was so gleeful that we got it done.

        His attorney called my ex “the worst client ever” and a few other choice terms and then said no way in H*LL would he represent him in court. He told my ex that they would take all of the records to another firm and leave them there post haste. That’s a bit dramatic (LOL), but it communicated how fed up his attorney was. My ex actually had to think about that, but said he’d sign hours before the deadline.

        And I’m still in closeout because it went all the same. He fought everything for months. At some point he stopped contacting his attorney, and then his attorney tragically died. So now he’s pro se which is an adventure in itself. Thankfully there is nothing left to sign, but he threw up several roadblocks that an attorney undoubtedly would have buffered. The final order has been in limbo land for months, approved but not yet implemented. My attorney and I can’t do anything but wait.

  • If you have kids who are still minors, remember that the stalling and delaying may be about minimizing or eliminating child support. My grandfather–3 marriages, 7 bio kids and 2 step kids over 40 years ad abandoned them all when he lost interest and figured the kids were “old enough to not need him anymore,” in his case still in high school.

    The OW should’t be able to contact you. If the kids don’t need him, block him on phone and text. Use email only. I put DO NOT CALL, TEXT, or ANSWER as Jackass’s contact name in my phone. Once I was sure he wouldn’t hoover back, I deleted his number. And whatever you do, don’t pick up a phone call from a strange number. Let it go to voicemail. DO NOT WOBBLE. Stay no contact.

  • Once again CL is right on the money. Xhole did the same to me. He did everything he could to slow down the divorce. In the end, he was ordered to pay my attorney to file the divorce paperwork. He was making over $240,000 a year. He said he couldn’t afford to pay her and was in contempt. I borrowed the money, paid her myself, and finally got the divorce. I also received 21 emails, of which 17 basically said the same thing, “How could you do this (divorce) to me. I thought you loved me.”
    Them not wanting to actually divorce, just shack up with the side piece, is so common.
    Best yet, the PI that served him had video footage. Xhole was completely stunned. The PI had to explain 3x that I was divorcing him. Guess he thought I wasn’t allowed to pay for the divorce just because he was ordered to.

  • One of the hardest things to do is accept that fuckwits do not operate like a sane normal person. When you are asking why won’t he, you are still expecting him to act like a sane, rational person – you want out of the marriage, then leave amicably. Fuckwits are simply not capable of operating like that.

    The reasons they drag their feet are many and none that are good for you. Most common is control – you are not the boss of me and I’ll frustrate whatever you want to do at every turn because I’m the big boss here. Playing you off against the OW still. You are the glue that makes the affair exciting forever cast in the role evil witch that is keeping them apart in some way. The worst is that he may be plotting against you financially.

    So when you get the urge to contact him, contact your lawyers instead and ask them what’s the hold up. Lawyers are humans and when they sense that you want an amicable settlement, are passive, they will take a more passive approach. When you push for action, they will start to step up more. Be polite but persistent in asking them what’s their plan for dealing with obstruction and how quickly can they move things along around that. What’s their strategy and what your options are. If you get the sense that your lawyer is dragging feet and being passive themselves, consider firing them and getting a more aggressive one who knows how to deal with this and get things moving for you.

    Let go of the idea that a fuckwit will act like a normal person.

  • CL is right. My fuckwit left for the other woman but didn’t want to pay any of the consequences. First he tried to hoover( I fell off the wagon right up until he said he wanted me to “lend him” $60000 of my settlement. I said I could have had Fabio for that much and it would have been much much better. Than he wanted mediation but not really,he just thought he could con me into giving him more that way. I got the full blown rage spitting in my face for that one. Then he just simply refused to sign 3 separate agreements that we had both agreed to by email , once the lawyer put them in writing. He finally got fired by his attorney. I did not get a signed financial agreement until I said I was done with his BS and he could send me the agreements he came up with but I would not be signing if anything was less than we had previously agreed to. Thats when he finally signed, 18 months and $35K for my attorney fees later. He never disclosed anything which was required and we never went to court. I shudder to think what my fees would have been if I had had to take him to court to get it done. In the end I had to give him $240K he was not entitled to just to get rid of him. I would have loved to tell schmoopie the truth as I am quite sure he told a very different story to her. ( but no contact is no contact)

  • What’s the confusion?

    If he divorces, he:

    1. Loses plan B, which is you. He needs a fallback for when he realizes he can’t do better

    2. He has to lose a lot of money in a divorce. This way he can keep everything and spend it on whores. You don’t really think 30 years younger whore actually likes him, do you? This is a business deal for her. What else does he have to offer her?

    3. If he divorces he runs the risk that whore will pressure him to marry her. He’s probably telling her that you’re fighting the divorce.

    Just push forward with the divorce. Fuck him and the horse he rode in on.

    No contact.

  • CL has an uncanny knack for saying just what I need to hear just when I need to hear it, and CN joins in with hundreds of stories of people who went through just what I am going through right now and came out the other side.
    Sharing our experiences gives me validation and renews my emotional strength ????

    Can we please get a round of applause for blog #BetterLivingThruFuckingYourHusband?

  • Hello! Its Wobble here.
    Firstly I need to say thank you to every single one of you who has posted advice and solidarity. Please don’t underestimate how valuable I have found every post that I’ve just read.
    Im sure most of you will agree with me, that when chumps are initially thrown into the abusive world of the fuckit, it feels a very lonely place.
    However, the reality is that once we are able to open up and share the horror, we realise that we are not alone.
    So, the united voice of chump nation had spoken and I hear you all loud and clear!
    I feel stronger and more resilient now. Thank you all.
    Love wobble(nomore)

    • I was the one SLOWING THINGS DOWN on the divorce. Not because I didn’t want it but because after the massive trauma of DDay my brain was firing on one cylinder and I needed twelve. We own a business and I have had to proceed carefully, carefully, carefully. I did not want to look back and realize that I had agreed to things I shouldn’t have or missed things. To me it has been important to divorce at the pace which protects me on all levels in all ways, emotional health first. In a big hurry to get married, Craigslist Casual Encounter Sole Mate? Too fucking bad. I am VERY glad I made this decision….in my case had I been all Hurry Up I would not have found out he had been hiding money from me for twenty years. PTSD also stands for Protect Traumatized Sanity while Divorcing.

      1) Be CAREFUL and MINDFUL
      2) divorce at a pace that fosters #1

      • Agreed! The stalling of my divorce actually benefited myself and my kids in a few ways. I was able to secure us a home and extend the time until our baby would do overnights. I also had the benefit of a clearer head by the time trial came around. I had time to STRATEGIZE. Very important.

        FW filed for divorce and expected me to settle on everything. He even told his lawyer this who then told mine this would be easy. How wrong he was.

        • Yey you!

          Mine thought I would sing his three page separation agreement that he got off the internet. He wanted to show schmoopsie that now he was serious about leaving me for good. Of course, I refused to sign it and got a lawyer to draw up a good one.

          He refused to get a lawyer. Thought I what I was doing was totally unnecessary. I went ahead. Then a 31 page agreement was handed over and he finally had to get a lawyer for “independent legal advice,” which is required where we live. Then the stalling started to happen. Another six months of wrangling, but I stood my ground, and the final draft remained the same but for two lines. Literally, two lines that I would have agreed to if he had just participated in the first place. Nope, it just added a couple of more thousand dollars to the tab.

          It’s all laziness on their part.

  • He said that the children were old enough to not need him anymore. How old is that? Get away from this self-centered imbecile as soon as possible. Save yourself and your children.

  • Dear ChumpNation, I really needed to read this today. Your stories give me resolve. The STBXDick is stonewalling and dragging out the FINAL agreement. I should be in ZoomCourt right this minute, but it was again postponed because Dick would not comply or answer material questions. The only reason for this Status Conference was a ‘just in case’ continued from October, where we were in 95% agreement and ready to go. I don’t believe we are going to get to 100%, so I’m about to drop the last issue and run. I think it IS about control, because there can be no other reason. He filed for divorce. HE filed to compel the case to resolution a YEAR ago…and yet he stonewalls at the last minute again. I did all the heavy lifting to get us to this point, of course. I’ve got my attorney ready to draw up the final agreement, but haven’t started the clock running on that, because STBXDick will want 15 revisions and run up a HUGE bill on my dime.
    Time to cut any of my losses and run from this dumpster fire. I do not have the strength to fight about any of it, ever again. As I have heard before, ‘some money is just too expensive’. I just want to be looking at this in the rear view mirror…

    • I feel your pain. I experienced a lot of the same and I highly suspect my FW would purposely withhold info so I was forced to file motions and spend more money. We are now divorced and he has ZERO control over me. He may try to control me via coparenting but the reality is, it is over. Good luck to you. Freedom is close.

    • Yes. Make concessions that you can live with to finish the deal. Honestly, that’s just good business. I gave up some things that cost me a few thousand at the time, but gave him just enough that he could “save face” and feel like he won something. Fine, you win! You got slightly more than half of our stuff! Now go away.

      Naturally, I spent a fair amount of time afterward perseverating on how unfair it was, and still even sometimes it hits me…not the financial loss but just the injustice of it all…but then I go about my fuckwit-free, awesome life!

  • A few of us here have been chomped by affairs that started in the amateur theatre. It’s so cliche – I see/hear/feel you. Once the amateur play is over the passion in the affair starts to die slowly… . So you need to act now to get rid of him before it ends and he comes crawling back. You need to be decisive. Your life without this actor will be happier and freer. Please. These people are vain and shallow and crazy-making. Get away from the drama and live a better life.

  • As of today my now ex wife left for the OM 3 years ago. She didn’t want to divorce either. I was a helluva husband appliance. But after 7 months of pick me dancing and carrying on her affair in front of me and the kids and everyone else, I filed. Today a weight was lifted. I feel nothing for her and she is now left with an OM who she knows is a serial cheater as well who has 5 kids with 3 women to go along with our 4 kids. Fun little circus there. Thank you CL for everything you do.

  • They are just freaks, aren’t they? Mine told me he wanted a divorce in 2017. I thought it was MLC with a mix of PTSD.

    I fought for my marriage for 2 years. At the 2 year mark, I finally filed because he was about to (I wanted it in my court jurisdiction and he had moved next county over).

    I asked the ENTIRE time if there was someone else. I had suspected a howorker, but without proof I didn’t want to blow up my entire family.

    Married 24 years. Found out – you guessed it – he’s now dating the howorker. Of course, he’s telling the kids that they have been good friends, only started dating 10 months ago etc etc. Ironically she divorced in 2017…

    What kills me is that I had to file and HE was the one dragging it out. Not only that, he was still hoovering me the ENTIRE time!

    Finally went complete NC (when I found out about howorker) but if I had not, I know for a fact he’d still be trying to be my BFF.

    These people. Unreal.

  • They’re all like that, Wobbly. That’s just what they do. My STBX asked me for a divorce on May 1. But you understand it had to be a secret divorce that no one could know about and definitely no one could know about his affair(s). I told my parents we were getting a divorce in late June and finally filed in mid-July. This after he had promised to initiate and pay for the divorce. Then again, he had also promised before God and man to forsake all others so why I believed him on that is something I’m still trying to figure out.

    When he told me he wanted a divorce I was devastated. Kibble time! But after the initial shock I started thinking about the positive side of living the single life again. So when he started hemming and hawing on why he hadn’t filed yet I took the initiative and filed myself. I took my power back and it felt good. In retrospect telling me he wanted a divorce was the dumbest thing he could possibly say. I don’t call him Nitwit for nothing. Once I believed that a divorce was inevitable and had sold myself on the benefits of one there was no turning back. The last week before I moved out was filled with desperate hoovering attempts but by then I had discovered CL and glimpsed the naked desperation in his eyes.

    As others have said, things are probably going south with the OW. Either she is tiring of him, not pick-me dancing hard enough, or else she is pressuring him to marry her. You do not want to be part of their dramatics, amateur or otherwise, because you are better than that. ((Hugs))

    • Once you get over the initial shock things do start to look different

      Me ex demanded a divorce when I brought up his whore a week after finding out. He went ballistic, accused me of wanting to be miserable, claimed he’d already apologized (he sort of did for what he was willing to admit, which was an “inappropriate friendship”), and declared that he “didn’t have to listen to this”.

      Once the shock wore off i started to think about what i was really getting from him and realized that he wasn’t that good of a deal.

      After some pointless counseling where he lied and barely participated i finally filed. He BEGGED for another chance, cried, sent flowers….turns out he didn’t want a divorce but was ok with using the threat to bully.

      Divorced was final over 2 years ago and I haven’t looked back.

  • Well. If he quickly got along with the divorce he would look like a douche who dumped his wife for a tawdry side dish.

    Let’s recap -the whole acting world thing, he is that guy who loses track of reality in theatre and can’t maintain proper professional handles on his character versus himself. —- but- You’re either method or not so unless he’s also in Johnny dep costume all the time he should have better boundaries. Maybe he’s secretly actually a pirate. I hope he gets a part where he gets boils and finds a pair of magic shoes where he constantly Stubbs his toes.
    So- taking his time and dragging his feet- it’s part of his new character. This way he can claim he’s stuck in this quagmire of shucking off his old constrained self, and coming to terms with his open free speak-easy hippy acting self. And have all this angsty deep intellectual sadness about lost time or not being true to himself or how to actualize happiness…

    This is all image management. He’s a tool. Why? Because being too eager makes him look like the total turd he is …. stop thinking about it. Let the lawyers work. Sign your stuff. Roll your eyes and move on with the understanding that he’s lost his damn mind and heal for you. Heal and find your new life which will be amazing. Because this clown (or pardon me ‘actor’) has shown his character. He has none.

  • I love it when you call them “Becky.” My fuckwit is extremely proud of his new, younger OW (named Becky)and parades her around like he’s won a prize. She’s still married, but I guess that’s not a mark against her awesomeness. After 40 fucking years of marriage he called me to announce he was in love and moving in with her right away. D-Day was about a week before the COVID lockdown here in my area.

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