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UBT: The Burger-Flipping Love That Dare Not Speak Its Name

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I’m sure you’re all shocked to learn that HuffPo has yet another steaming heap of clickbait triumphant OW pick-me-dance winner essay. About happiness and personal growth.

(CN files its nails.)

No, no, it’s different! They get married!

(CN excuses itself to pick lint out of dryer vents.)

And she LEARNED A VERY IMPORTANT LESSON ABOUT LOVE.

(CN scrapes mold from the tile grout.)

Listen, people! Sometimes love just hits you, across a table of potato peelings. And you must act on it. Right then and leave your partners and abandon small children because Ruby McConnell is just that amazing. And you all must know this.

Clearly, a few bazillion of you know this, because you sent “My Husband And I Left Our Spouses To Be Together. Here’s What I’ve Learned About Love” to the Universal Bullshit Translator. Which I had to wake from a deep poolside slumber, tanning its sprockets.

“I am in no mood for snark,” it grumped.

But she’s a geologist/dancer/adventuress with a blog! And sentences so godawful they could be the parody bastard child of The Onion + Portlandia.

It winked its periscope, intrigued.

“I wonder how many eggs each salmon mother lays, if she will ever know how many children she has. I return to the stream. I eat a stale cookie and think about Christmas.”

“You made that up,” it accused.

No! There are photos of sad birds on frozen branches. And delicious non sequiturs like:

“Rivers spill over their banks. Fields become lakes and lambs stand leg-high in the mud. Inside at the piano I keep time to its gentle waltz.”

“Okay, I see the snark possibilities,” it conceded. “Bring me the bullshit.”

*****

I could only convince the UBT to translate portions of this screed. If you want the full assault on your literary senses, read it in its entirety. Abridged version: Girl meets man-child while working a state fair burger tent. For reasons unexplained, they return to this three-day gig for 16 years, (Do they need the money that badly? Is feeding grease to hippies so compelling?) where finally they fall madly, deeply, spouse-abandoning in love. The legal fallout takes three years. They marry and quit their day jobs. If the kids are adjusting, who cares, #happiness. 

*****

Fair is a place where people go to search for something new in their lives, to find some kind of higher meaning, or to just find something that will shake them out of the complacency of their daily existence ― even if that’s just a good time.

Did I type “fair”? I meant “affair.”

We both stumbled into the experience as teenagers through the vast and complicated local network of underground businesses and social circles that drives the Fair.

Artful dodgers we were, in that vast necropolis of Salem, Oregon. With its subterranean sewer network and complicated social order.

Other teens flip burgers. We stumble into underground experiences.

#Imdeep

#Yourenot

Though working in such close quarters meant we were friendly with each other, with all the stimulation and constant rotation of staff, it was at least three years before we were actually able to remember each other’s names.

Eventually, though, we did.

If I’m going to leave my marriage on a whim, I’ll need a name.

#youlooknice

When we finally fell in love, it was over that potato table — in one look, held so long and so hard that it stopped a teenage boy who was passing through the kitchen in his tracks. To this day, I can’t remember what triggered that look — but I do remember the way Paul staggered, nearly dropping his cup of coffee, and the way I held my hand to my throat, which had blushed so deeply it practically burned to the touch.

When we finally fell in love, it was over root vegetable detritus. In one look, it turned a passing teenager to stone, curdled the milk, and electrocuted a fry cook. To this day, I can’t remember what triggered that look. Ennui. Lust. Borderline personality disorder. But I do remember the way Paul staggered like a wounded wildebeest, before collapsing at my feet. And the way I held my hand to my throat. As if I were a demure Southern lady who blushes at the sight of fresh kill.

One thought from someplace deep inside my heart forced its way into my head: Maybe it’s Paul. Maybe after a life of trying to make it work with other people, the one I was supposed to be with had been there right in front of me for years. Maybe it was Paul.

Paul is his name, right?

We went on about our day ― potatoes and burgers ― but in reality, it was a devastating discovery. By that point in our lives, both of us were partnered, in our mid-30s with real jobs and heavy commitments. Neither of us were happy. Worse than all of that, he had children.

It was a devastating discovery — children. Sticky little creatures who require attention and money. Wives can be dispatched. Heavy commitments Children come with court orders.

Obstacles are devastating. Abandonment, not so much.

#whatIlearnedaboutlove

Later that week, with his wife and kids away on an extended summer vacation to visit family for the rest of summer, he invited me to meet him for lunch in a blueberry field on a rural property near his house.

Paul enjoys a classy date when his wife and kids are out of town — a field.

#willfuckforblueberries

What we found were two ambitious people on the verge of new beginnings — I was about to publish my first book, and he was starting a new business — who were being held back by unsupportive partners, toxic friends and an overwhelming sense of duty to how life “should” be lived.

What we found was adulting is hard. We were held back by the kind of toxicity that expects paychecks and childrearing. How life “should” be lived when you bring actual human beings into existence and discover they don’t live on air.

That same week, the first night we spent together, we fell asleep with our foreheads resting side by side and woke up eight hours later without having moved at all. Hours passed by as we sat in silence, watching a blue moon cross the sky. This was not a thing we could ignore.

I mean, a MOON, people! As if anyone else has ever experienced a moon. This was not a thing we could ignore. His wife on vacation, yes. His children, of course.

(The UBT would like to pause for a moment — are you fucking him in his wife’s bed? Or erm, chastely sleeping 8 hours? Did this guy get a hotel room? Seems unlikely that the same person who takes his date to a nearby field and flips burgers is the sort to spring for hotel expenses. All to say — Ruby and Paul: you suck.)

Over the next four weeks, as we tried to figure how to do what we were going to do, my psyche and conscience screamed at me. Married men never leave their wives,

Actually, if you had a conscience, it would scream: DON’T FUCK MARRIED PEOPLE.

But then, a few days later, walking out was exactly what I did. I packed my stuff with the help of friends while my prone-to-anger partner was out of town with “the bros.”

I fuck my fellow burger flipper. My husband left town with friends. I’m prone to betraying people I purport to love and he is prone to inexplicable anger. #mysteries

We passed like ships in the night.

Ahoy, cliche!

Oregon would like its money back for that writing fellowship.

#mykingdom4aneditor

He never spoke to me directly again, and his near-total refusal to engage serving was all the proof I needed to know that leaving was the right thing to do.

I cheated on him and he never spoke to me again! And then he expected ME to initiate the divorce!

His failure to pick-me dance for my awesomeness was all the proof I needed to know that I had to line up a new sucker quick.

He had broken the news about us the moment his wife had arrived home from vacation.

A cheater told me this and I believed it.

#welcomehome

#donotunpack

After he talked with them and she still wouldn’t accept that it was over, he took a hard line, telling her directly that this was no affair or fling ― he intended to be with me for the rest of his life. Fifteen hours later, he packed everything from his life into his work truck, kissed his kids and promised to come back for them, and drove away from the life he had known up until that moment.

She threw his ass out.

#hardline

We were dealing with Paul’s hellish legal battle with his ex, the logistics of starting a new life together, and the total lack of time and focus we desperately wanted to give to his kids.

I can’t imagine why she’s not taking this abandonment and voluntary impoverishment in the proper spirit. We just want what’s Best For The Kids! My happiness.

We worked one more year of Fair after that before giving it up for good…

Thou shalt have no other potato peelers before me.

This is the first year together that we are free from legal battles and back on our feet financially — issues that caused some early tension and arguments between us.

I can’t imagine why I’d feel the need to publicly broadcast my exhilarating blueberry field romp, family abandoning Love For The Ages given the utter security I feel about Paul. I’M THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE, RIGHT, PAUL?

Our marriage is a happy one. We both changed careers shortly after marrying, and the shift to self-employment made it easier to craft our new life together.

Pro tip: Can’t garnish those under-the-table wages!

in the evenings we read a book aloud (we’re working on Laura Ingalls Wilder now).

Little Homewrecker on the Prairie

The Long Winter… of Christmas in Two Homes

On the Banks of Suicidal Ideation

It’s a quiet kind of contentment that arises from a relationship in which both partners are at peace with one another. And because of that, it’s sustainable and expansive, big enough to wrap around the kids who, to their credit, were able to see their parents’ unhappiness together and their father’s happiness with me and take things largely in stride.

It’s a quiet kind of contentment that requires a flabbergastingly narcissistic essay in the Huffington Post. To the kid’s credit, they take me publicly vilifying their mother largely in stride. And the whole part about secretly fucking their dad while he was married to their mom, and they were all on vacation, and came home, and he abandoned them? #peace #expansivewrapofdysfunction #psychoburrito

Years later, Paul and I hold steady to each other and our faith in knowing who we are as individuals and as a couple. We did the right thing, and I know I can always be brave and he will always be there.

We did the right thing, cheating on our partners, fucking in their marital bed, concealing our affair before suddenly abandoning everyone, and then quitting our jobs.

I speak for Paul when I say I know he’ll always be there. The way he was there for his kids. And his first wife. And the hungry hippies. For three days, each year, maybe, unless he’s busy with an appointment in a blueberry field. While I’m on vacation.

Ruby McConnell is a writer, geologist and environmental advocate whose work centers on the intersection of the landscape with human experience.

The UBT wishes Ruby McConnell nothing but a long intersection with a landscape. Preferably face down. After a hard rain. And a defecating moose.

****

This one ran previously. Need the morning to wake up and smell the democracy. 

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Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • When this first posted it really got under my skin: This horrible woman and her cheater destroying a family because of entitlement and fantasy land. But I think things went sideways for her after posting her article. She got pretty attacked online and had to block everything and shut down comments. Anyone know what those 2 idiots are up to now?

      • But Chump Lady, aren’t you forgetting the potatoes and burgers? For years they looked across a greasy mess and slowly fell in love, not to mention clogged their arteries. Where is your romantic side?

      • I’m torn between wanting to ream this hideous justification for deeply wounding innocent children and 2 chumps, or for her woefully bad writing. Please God, tell me she was not PAID for this tripe?

        Second, of all the MANY continuing lies the DOCTOR ex says as he distorts our marital history beyond recognition, is how he erases all the sacrifices our children and I made for HIS Career (and HIS happiness).

        Only to hear him now complain that the reason HE WAS ALWAYS GONE (years of “commuting” home on weekends) was because I had created a toxic environment. I don’t know who gave him that word salad but it’s an ugly lie.

        I spackled, I pretzeled and so did the kids. For over a decade….What a dick. I no longer miss him, which is huge.

        My son’s words ring so true —“Good riddance to lunacy”.

        • I hear you on this!
          The diminishing of my contributions and sacrifices is something that BURNS me!!!!
          I sent my ex to school for free through my work. I repeatedly told him I didn’t want to stay at that job and I was only staying so he could go to college for free because the job paid so poorly that it made life difficult.

          For YEARS he talked about going back to school to finish his degree and he would often lie about his education levels to people so I knew not having a degree bothered him. He finally went back and started cheating on me with his hideous coworker during that time.

          He acts like I contributed nothing to marriage despite the fact that I did almost everything. He inflates everything he did to astronomical levels and acts like he’s a martyr or victim for it. Everything little thing was the biggest sacrifice! He took out the trash sometimes?! Gosh! He’s such a victim! He pretty much carried me and our relationship on his back by himself! How did he manage?!

          Yet, when I bring up everything I’ve done, he poopoos everything and diminishes it to where nothing I did was a big deal, nothing I did had any value, or it really wasn’t MY contribution. I’ll say “I sent you to school for FREE!” and he’ll say “I didn’t ask you to!” YES YOU DID!!!! You directly stated it many, many times and directly asked me to! And he’ll say “You should have known going back to school wasn’t a big deal to me because I waited so long to do it. So I don’t care about that!” Oh, sorry that my mindreading skills are terrible and I took you at your own word when you would verbatim say “I want to finish my degree.” How stupid of me! I should have known you meant the exact opposite! I’m clearly crazy and delusional! And the big sacrifice I made to stay at a job I didn’t like that hit my finances for him – it doesn’t count as a sacrifice for him at all because he didn’t care about it……until he wants to throw in my face that he made more money than me and felt like I was a drain because of that job! What a prick!

    • I read in another thread that Ruby tried to sue Paul’s ex-wife TWICE, though I don’t know why. He quit his job and tried to get out of paying child support (unsuccessfully) to open a cannabis business with Ruby.

      • My sperm donor left for another woman when I was a baby. Never met him in my 37 years on earth. Anyhow, the woman he left for also ditched her 2 year old baby and husband and I found out through my mother’s court records when I was 18 that she had tried to legally kick my mother and us two young kids out off the family home as she wanted the house. Thankfully it never happened and my sperm donor paid a whole total of $18 towards my sister and child support. 35 years later and they are still married.

        • It sounds to me that your sperm donor should continue to stay out of your life. Just because he’s still married to the OW for 35 years doesn’t mean he’s a great guy. It could just mean that the OW hangs on because she doesn’t want to lose him. She’s afraid at this stage in her life of not being able to take care of herself, or of being alone. Staying married does not mean bliss.

          • I think maybe my comment has been read wrong. I think my sperm donor is a POS and I’d not piss on him. I pointed out the 35 years married as it shocks me they survived this long. I’ve never met them nor do I want to. Two low lifes is all they are.

          • Thankfully my mother is now married to a nice man who treats us all good. He is also a chump survivor and has really helped me with my STBXW.

    • Her Instagram is still up. If you scroll back to the Huff Po article publication date, there are lots of accolades from the disordered applauding her “bravery.”

      Cheating proves a lack of bravery. It proves a lack of empathy.

    • I’m with you, MichelleShocked. I actually looked for a way to comment on the article or to send her a message through Instagram. It makes sense that she had to shut down comments.

      CL, I agree that her writing is atrocious. I can’t believe she has written books.

    • AND BLUE MOONS !!

      …which she sounds like something she believes actually exist… to the point she thinks she can slip that fantasy in and fool her audience…

      I am speechless.
      Blue.
      Fuckin’.
      Moons.

  • shes trying to justify her behaviour. i think its common that ow leave their children, i worked with a lady who dumped her kids for a man. she thought he was wonderful, was he eck. another didnt know who the childs dad was, thought men were wonderful, she actually laughed at not knowing who the dad was. you would be surprised at how many women think you have to make men happy. one neighbour told another neighbour i was too fat for my partner, i was 2 stone overweight, i unfortunately became ill and lost loads of weight, she asked if i had a stomach bypass, did i fuck no. its all about the pick me dance i think.
    i have come to realise
    ow tell men she wont find out, dont want to take care of their kids, but several will get pregnant, several have stis, always play the victim.

  • Just wow. The home wrecking whore had the audacity to say they were desperate to give time and focus to his kids. You literally destroyed the kids lives and stability of having two parents in the home and having their father around for them. I’ve one thing to say to her , go fucking die you self absorbed home wrecking whore who lives with her head so far up her own ass.

    • Yeah, she can F off with her holier than thou attitude here. “Oh we just want to focus on the children, but their bitter mom won’t let us.” How awful that she pursued what was rightfully hers from a marriage.

      1) The dissolution of the family is a huge adjustment for the children.
      2) A parent dating again and introducing the partner to the children is a huge adjustment.

      They did both at once to those poor kids.

  • forgot to mention the ow who didnt know who the childs dad was, her partner was jailed for selling crack to the police, i saw her at the bus stop, she was slagging me off to her friend, the ow daughter fell flat on her face tripping over carrier bags, ow was concrentrating on giving me filthly looks. her daugher fell infront of her she wasnt interested in her daughter at all. if your partner sells drugs to the police whose fault is it.she wasnt complaining when she was spending the money. she was walking up the road shouting that people shouldnt take drugs whilst her boyfriend is selling them.

  • Okay I was loving it and then you blew me away with a little house on the prairie references. I mean who else is even read On the shores of Plum Creek? Yeah who else has a full set on their bedside table?

    Anyway, hard to believe somebody would write an entire diatribe about their cheating episode and try and dress it up as fine reading.

    But I think people are driven to try and explain themselves when they do the unexplicable. When they do something truly hateful. They try to couch it in such a way that it comes off as something acceptable. You’ve shown it for what it is. Cheating.

    • Oh my God I got the title wrong. It must be 7:48 a.m. and I must only have three sips of coffee in my head. Chump on ladies Chump on.

      On the shores of silver Creek. Duh. I didn’t like that book though. It lacked a lot of the charm of the earlier days.

      • I love the books as a young girl. I read “Farmer Boy” to my son when he was little. But if a grown man wanted to read LIW to me? I think I’d hurt myself laughing at him.

  • Ah yes! One of my favorites!

    Her partner is “unsupportive” but also she’s afraid to dump him because “Married men never leave their wives?” So apparently not “unsupportive” enough to be worth leaving unless she has something better lined up.

    Also funny how his wife is also so “unsupportive.” I mean, sure, she’s taking care of the kids so cheater McDouche can fuck around at Ye Olde Faire, but like… sometimes she makes him make the kids’ lunch? Just doesn’t understand that he has Very Important TedTalks to watch on youtube and Motivation Collages to make so no, he can’t pick the kids up from soccer practice?

    Then “I got a predictably emotionless text from my newly minted ex: “I guess that’s it then.” He never spoke to me directly again, and his near-total refusal to engage serving was all the proof I needed to know that leaving was the right thing to do.”

    Yes, how DARE your ex not cry and beg you to stay – after you dumped him for the married burger-flipper you cheated with. What. A. Jerk.

    Ooh, wait – but his wife’s a jerk too!

    “She forced him to tell their kids after less than a day in hopes that the guilt would be too much for him and he would change his mind.”

    What kinda vengeful shrew refuses to gaslight and lie to her children in order to cover up Daddy’s whoring?

    “…she still wouldn’t accept that it was over.”

    Ah, yes! Your ex accepts your leaving and just lets you go? Well, clearly dumping that emotionless jerk was 100% the right thing to do!

    His wife refuses to easily believe her husband and the father of her children is leaving for someone he locked eyes with over a burger grill? She’s shocked and angry, and refuses to cover for him with the kids? What a crazy, hellish, bitch! God, he’s lucky she didn’t brand her name on his ass and chain him to the basement radiator.

    How exactly were the respective partners supposed to behave during all this? Personally bubble-wrapping your belongings for the move out while also begging you to stay (but, like, not in a way that would make you feel guilty for leaving) and composing a cover story to tell all your friends about how this breakup was Totally Not Your Fault?

    • “She forced him to tell their kids after less than a day in hopes that the guilt would be too much for him and he would change his mind.”

      What kinda vengeful shrew refuses to gaslight and lie to her children in order to cover up Daddy’s whoring?”

      Somehow, my ex also expected me to play his game. After literally blindsiding me and gaslighting me for ages (I did have doubts about cheating but he used to laugh them off as I was being silly), I had to work with his narrative that we had grown apart and that this was a mutual decision, and this is what he wanted me to tell to our teenager. Now, lying obviously was very much his thing, but not mine. It’s nothing to do with guilting anyone, it’s literally that his truth was bs and I had no desire to go along with it.

      • My son was grown and living out of state.

        I told the ex on the day he told me he was leaving, that he better call our son immediately and tell him exactly why he was leaving. He did, because my son called me a while later.

        Oh he didn’t want to, but fortunately he did. My daughter in law said when he called, he said to her. Susie and I are getting a divorce, I am involved with another woman. He said it real fast to her, and she said woah woah, you need to talk to your son. So he repeated it again to the son and hung up.

        What cowards they are. The feel real big, until the shit hits the fan. Then they try to get their victims to cover for them. I covered for him for months while he treated me like shit. Meanwhile I was running around like a crazed headless chicken trying to figure out what was happening.

        • “What cowards they are. The feel real big, until the shit hits the fan. Then they try to get their victims to cover for them. I covered for him for months while he treated me like shit. Meanwhile I was running around like a crazed headless chicken trying to figure out what was happening.”

          I 100% relate to this. Four years later my ex still sells this narrative. He may actually believe it’s true.

        • Your ex sounds like a piece of work, what did he want you dil to do to just pass on the message? They care so much about their image, but it’s all smoke and mirrors, because they act terribly otherwise. They just don’t want to face it.

          • I am not sure what he was thinking.

            But, the only thing I will give him is he did call. Even if the message was less than elegant.

            I think these folks are so messed up when it hits the fan that they flail. They don’t know what they are saying from one minute to the next as they try to dig their way out of the hell they have inflicted on themselves and others.

            From then on out it is strictly image management and trying to prove they are happy, No really, they are.

        • Ex-Mrs LFTT told the kids (then 11, 16 and 18) in 3 sentences and then stormed out and left me to deal with the consequences. To add some extra class to the occasion, she was sh*tface drunk when she did it.

          Her exact words were “Dad and I are divorcing because I am not happy and I have a right to be happy. But you’ll be fine as a lot of your friends’ parents are divorced and their kids are OK. And regardless of what you think, I am not having an affair.”

          Not only are they cowards, they are liars too.

          LFTT

          • That’s horrible. Mine said, “your mom said I could flirt with other girls, then when I did she got mad and kicked me out so the divorce is her fault.”

            #youcantmakethisshitup

      • Yup, I have posted on the Bookcase page to nubies that my biggest regret was us doing the joint ‘we’re just not getting on’ line. Looking back I should have walked out of the door and said I’m not coming back till you have told her you are going and why.

        Or would you like to get out now and I’ll do it for you.

    • I think all of us Chumps learn that cheaters have a lot of rules for how others should think/act/react while they’re off living exuberant lives.

      • Yes! Like us chumps and our innocent children are no allowed to have normal human relations or emotions to the life changing trauma they are inflicting. Doing such would damage their image and make them accountable of the pain the inflict on innocent people , and they don’t want to do that. They want a clean getaway and relationships with family and children intact, because they deserve that right? Disordered sociopaths.

        • 👍

          God forbid we shed a tear, or temporarily fall apart. They have moved on, so should we.

          The fact that they moved on months or years before we even knew there was a problem is beside the point. They have spoken.

          • Ex said that he should have left 5 years earlier when he became unhappy because I would be farther along in my healing. WTF? I didn’t know he was unhappy until minutes after he told me he had an OWhore. So glad he was concerned about my healing. That was over 11 years ago & I’m still not healed.

        • You know, in my 25 years of marriage I never once had the thought that “I deserve to be happy”. When my stbx was being a dick, being grumpy, being depressed, having trouble at work, etc. I took the attitude that a long term marriage wasn’t always shits and giggles and you stuck it out during the hard times and you supported each other. This article represents the utter selfish shit that cheaters believe. Fuck this bitch and I wish we knew Paul’s wife and we could interview her and write a nice little truth telling piece about her side of the story and how it felt to be the source of the fuckwits “unhappiness”. Poor children. I’m getting this shit from my stbx now. He and the whore “just want to be parents and I’m preventing their happiness.” They are failing to notice that it’s actually my daughter that doesn’t want to see them.

          • Yep.

            In my year (ish) of unknown discard. I was confused, walking on egg shells, trying to make things easier for him, because he was ‘stressed from work”. I figured it would pass and things would get back to normal. Never once thought, umm I need happiness, I need to go screw some strange.

    • Good catch on the unwinnable position that the spouses were in.

      I cannot imagine coming home from a vacation to the news my husband had been boning Country Fair girl in the home. How disorienting.

  • Ah, one of my favorite song parody inspirations (reprinted here for all new members of Chump Nation)

    ———————-

    (music by Paul Simon, lyrics by Maybeitz Paul)

    Are you going to Oregon Fair?
    Music, hippies, burgers and fries
    Oh please leave town, and take the kids with you
    Then you’ll get a stunning surprise

    Tell her to make me an elephant ear
    Music, hippies, burgers and fries
    She clutched my throat and I spilled my coffee
    All before a teenager’s eyes

    Tell her to wait in a blueberry field
    Music, hippies, burgers and fries
    The moon will tell us what we must do
    Just before my daddy sauce dries

    Ambitious people held back by adults
    Music, hippies, burgers and fries
    We’d steal away, but (fuck!) I have children
    Married men just don’t leave their wives

    Pity the masses who don’t understand
    Music, hippies, burgers and fries
    We’ll brave the judgement and the derision
    And we’ll win the treachery prize

  • I guess that while people like this exist the centre of the universe will never be a lonely place. You could summarise the Cheater narrative along the lines of ….. Chumps and Kids are acceptable collateral damage if the Cheaters get their “Happy Ever After.”

    Is it too much to hope that – one day – Ruby Mcwhatshername looks back at the drivel with a degree of self awareness and thinks “This hasn’t aged well at all” ???

    LFTT

  • Yeah, no. First of all if you are so unhappy in a marriage/relationship, then leave. But leave the other person with their dignity intact, no cheating, no lying, no gaslighting. And two, idk what it is with certain people and muh happiness trampling everything else. Happiness is a feeling, like sadness, like anger like everything else. Happiness will also come and go. Commitment is something else, and it’s a choice.

    And she seems somewhat surprised that her partner was both angry and refused to talk to her after not only she cheated on him, but she left while he wasn’t even there. Where’s your cognitive empathy lady? Would she want to talk with someone who discards her like an old shoe? She might find out one day, after all her wonderful husband did just that to the mother of his kids, which should tell her than respect isn’t exactly particularly high in his regards. I want to see her then, dying to talk to her man. Not to mention that he wouldn’t even give the ex wife a fair settlement, she had to fight for it. Yeah, some prize she got there.

    They do deserve each other though; they’re both assholes.

    • I asked my STBXW that if she was so miserable in our marriage then why did she never say or try to work on it? In fact she never complained about our marriage at all and use to pride herself on having a good husband even a year before all her cheating was exposed. Once in the discard / discovered phase she had a whole host of issues. None of which she ever once mentioned. Then I found CL and spoke to my lawyers and mental health professionals who are experts in this and they all said it’s mental gymnastics to try and take away that she is the shitty person. So yeah, all our problems made her fuck 20 men behind my back and be on tinder saying she had a boyfriend who wants to watch her with other men.

      • I was also with a serial cheater, mine was like that as well. Both men and women (I don’t have a problem with him being bisexual, I just wish I had been told in the 17 years we were together you know, but he gave the excuse that because we got together when we were 21 he didn’t know, which ok but no really). But yeah, you’re spot on. This unhappiness always seem to come out after they have cheated, beforehand it’s never addressed somehow, or even present in any way. In fact, my marriage seemed rather happy to me.

        My ex also tried to do the whole I was unhappy and that’s why I did what I did, but I didn’t buy any of that. I told he was indeed allowed to be unhappy and leave if that had been the case, but everything else was on him and a reflection of his character. If it makes him feel better to think that his unhappiness took over him and made him act the way he did, like some sort of demon who possessed him, then he’s welcome to think what he wants. Luckily it’s no longer my problem. But it’s insane, I’m with you.

        • When I showed some acute distress after finding out about the double life, I was called “homophobic”. Uh huh. No.
          Classic blameshift. Other favorites:
          I had to lie to you because you would have been so mad. You get so angry.
          I stole the money because we both know you would have said no if I had asked.

          • Yeah bullshit. Bisexual doesn’t mean “have to fuck all genders”. It means if you were dating you may date men or women or non-binary people depending on who you like.
            If you get married too young and realize you are with the wrong gender for you, we’ll be an adult and leave the marriage in an ethical way. It’s 2021. While the world still can suck for gay people it’s not 1988 when I came out in southwest Ohio and survived.

          • ^^Classic. Before the ultimate truth was revealed, STBX PROMISED me he wouldn’t sign anything or buy his 17! year! old! daughter a $35K car. Of course he went ahead and did just that. When confronted: “But you would have said no!” Staring at him right then I felt like I was talking to my 8 year old son, that’s how lame that was.

      • 👍

        It beats all.

        My ex just less than two months before Dday was bragging to his co workers about how his beautiful wife was putting up all the outside Christmas decorations for him, because he was just so dang busy.

        Of course I am sure some of those coworkers were rolling their eyes, and they are cops, and they had to have seen his car parked at the whores trailer in the middle of the night. I didn’t know, but I am sure some of them did. I am pretty sure it was one of them that dropped a dime. I can’t imagine it would be anyone else, unless it was schmoopie and she was getting impatient. The longer she waited the less chance she had of him leaving me, and likely she knew that since he was not her first married man rodeo.

        • Co-workers always know, don’t they?! I recall my husbands boss saying things to and in front of me that in hindsight were clues.
          Even to the last second playing the “happy family”. As of his co-workers believed his bs!

          • They do.

            I mean especially if the schmoops is also a co worker. I mean they walk around making moon eyes at each other. I am sure he shut the office door as she came in to “brief” him. (she was his direct report) Or maybe I should say to de-brief him.

            Several o f those co workers were older married women working in the office. I am betting they knew what the whore was up to. In fact down the road one of them told my best friend who later went to work as a dispatcher that the whore used to go in his office and tell him of all her personal woes every day.

            Good grief, with all due respect to the departed, he was an idiot. Or at least he became one.

      • Ya this BS about claiming ‘unhappiness’ as a justification for psychologically and emotionally abusing your spouse is hard to take. Especially when zero attempt was made to work through these mysterious ‘issues’ the faithful, invested and loving spouse had no idea existed.

        • This! “Unhappy” like it’s my fault? I figured out that their “unhappiness”is actually what happens when they cross the line and the guilt and pressure of living a double life, keeping up with lies, making up excuses, the deception/gaslighting/covering up is too much work. They leave blaming us because it’s easier,( narcs are lazy), they rather do whatever they want without having to lie and keep up with two worlds. It is just easier, not necessarily happier

        • Yep, and I would add financially abusing the spouse, it is almost always a part of it.

          And being knocked back to poverty level existence after working for decades to build your future, is devastating. It makes recovery all that much harder, especially for those with small children/dependent children.

        • Isn’t it funny how they apparently have all this unhappiness and apparently there are all these issues “for years” yet they manage to say and act the exact opposite for years?

          Somehow during any fights or discussions over the years none of it ever manages to come up once! They just can’t seem to tell you any of those things but they had no problem bringing up other issues along the way. Like their dick falling into someone else or them falling onto someone else’s dick has given them the special injection of courage they needed! Ah-may-zing!

          Of course now that they’ve told you they’re unhappy and have these issues for the very first time ever, you can’t fix them. They just have to leave now. And none of this has anything to do the POS they’re fucking. It’s just all true and we should accept that instead of unfairly blaming the scapegoat who is fucking our spouses.

  • “If I’m going to leave my marriage on a whim, I’ll need a name.” I haven’t laughed this hard in weeks.
    Thank you, Chump Lady!

  • I love reruns of the UBT’s output of dimwitted peacock columnists. And today certainly deserves a rerun to fill everyone’s lungs with democracy.

  • Her next article will be about how their marriage didn’t last but their love continues to grow like two adjacent blueberry bushes firmly rooted but branching out in new directions.

    She and Paul will remain friends and embrace each other’s new partner.

    She will explain that every cloud has a silver lining, that others shouldn’t judge a book by its cover. She’ll feel entitled to a book deal for her writing. The heart wants what the heart wants. When a door closes a window opens The rest is history.

    • Because she’s so exceptional with her musings and prose, ofc. Not like all the others who’ve spewed the exact same bullshit. I made the mistake of clicking the link to her blog. I thought I might have a read, but couldn’t get past the first few paragraphs of her diarrhea. She’s so boring and unoriginal–copy of eat pray love chick. Just traipsing through life, leaving a wake of destruction and despair, convinced of her exceptionalism, predictably confusing her myopic self-absorption with (say it with a whisper) *spirituality* (hahahahah!)
      Aren’t all OW *ssssspirrrritualll* saviors of misunderstood and unloved men/women?
      But you know, of COURSE. If it hadn’t been her, it would have been any other vapid ho who grabbed the coward by the fwaigi-oh widdow ego, blew smoke up his ass, and gave him the adoration he felt he deserved.
      Ultimately my feelings about the two of them?? Whatever. She can blah blah blah thesaurus salad on her blog that nobody GAF about except her equally vapid and insignificant admirers. whatever.
      Actually I strongly suspect she is high as a kite when she writes. It would explain the fact that she thinks it’s important work, when it’s not–except as a view into the head mush of a typical AP. Gross

      • Now, your writing I like.

        She can blah blah blah thesaurus salad on her blog that nobody GAF about

        predictably confusing her myopic self-absorption with (say it with a whisper) *spirituality* (hahahahah!)

        I strongly suspect she is high as a kite when she writes.

  • By the way, did you notice she described her ex as “prone to anger” and then later as “emotionless”?

    Which is it?? It’s whatever she wants it to be to justify her behavior.

    • All throughout her writing she’s looking for a reason to justify her shitty behaviour. He was angry! But he also didn’t chase me after I cheated on him and bailed on him when he was out of town! See I WAS RIGHT all along. Whereas it just shows this guy had enough self respect to be immediately done with her cheating ass. Good on him.

      • I never chased after my STBXW. I caught her cheating and went next morning to lawyers and filed for divorce and boy it felt great handing her the divorce papers.

  • Cheaters essays never mention the pain of the betrayed ex, and the pain of the kids having their lives torn apart.

    I guess the message is that the betrayed spouse was miserable and unsupportive, so they deserved what they got. And kids are resiliant and bounce back. Often neither are true.

    The first marriage is seen as totally disposable and of no value. Just junk.

    Other people’s pain means ZERO to these azzholes. Zip. Nada.

    • Exactly. This woman really gives insight into the thinking of the OW. For that, I’m grateful because it helps me appreciate what sucky people my ex and his OW are, as if I needed more evidence. #neverenough

  • Is there a way to find his/her ex and extend invitations to join CN? How terrible. Also, I clicked and read the article in full before reading the CL piece. When she got to the part about the book and the book TOUR (where do you suppose that took her?), I spat out my tea. This seems like something one my kids might have written in 7th grade.

  • ” . . . and that unhappy parents make for unhappy children, . . .”

    With all of the things that I’ve learned to let slide off my back with an indifferent shrug, this is the bit of rationalization that continues to infuriate me to this day.

    The idea that “as long as I (cheater) am happy, then everyone else — most especially the children — will be happy.”

    Using children as a shield against judgement and as justification for shitty behavior is cowardice of the highest order.

    And yes, I was told this a lot.
    Before “The Troubles” it was frequent repetition of the mantra: “Happy wife, happy life.”
    After “The Troubles” it was: “Our daughters deserve to have a mother who’s happy.”

    • Right, and again there is an ethical way to dissolve a marriage.

      You, are honest. You don’t start “dating” until you are at least legally separated. You treat the other parent of your children with respect and don’t try to screw them over in a settlement.

      You don’t lie to your spouse for months/years forcing them to make life decisions based on what you know is a lie.

      You continue to support your dependent children and put them first.

      • This this this. Personally I wouldn’t care for my ex to start dating before we are legally separated, but I wanted to be told we were over and that he had moved out before sleeping with anything and everything.

        And we talked about us making our decisions on our life based on a lie before, but that’s what eats at me the most. More than the cheating and the lies and gaslighting, it’s the wasted time. So many things I would have chose differently if given the choice. The fact he took that from me is the one thing I can never ever get over. I will never give another person this much power over me. And I know this is a bit controversial because the general thought is that not everyone will be as shitty as my ex, but I just won’t. I’ve calculated the risk, and it’s not worth it. I might one day have a boyfriend who lives in his own house, but continue to make choices with no one but myself and my son in mind. I’m not marrying again.

        • Vee… so much this. It’s the un-reversable life decisions that really stick in my craw too. I got a vasectomy at my wife’s behest because she didn’t want to go back on birth control after we had our child.

          Two years later: Surprise! I’ve been cheating on you off and on for 8 years!

          Would’ve been nice to know before I permanently altered my body.

          • The gall of these people is never-ending. Naturally, she wouldn’t get her tubes tied, even though it was her choice not to have more children. I figure the person who doesn’t want more kids should be the one to have the operation, not the partner, who may not feel the same way. That’s doubly true if the person demanding you get the operation is cheating and therefore might conceive with somebody else. I doubt her fuckboys had vasectomies for her. What a selfish asshole!

            It also would have been nice to know my husband didn’t love me and wasn’t planning on being faithful before I derailed my career and risked my health to have a baby with him, then suffered life threatening complications that caused permanent damage. They expect us to make these extreme sacrifices and then they don’t even recognize or appreciate them. Pure entitlement. Like Vee, I will never let anybody put me in such a position again. I know there are good men like you out there Layne, but I thought my STBX was flawed in some ways, but basically a good man, and I was dead wrong. I also thought friends and family cared about me and would have my back when they found out he mistreated me so badly, but several of them did not, so I was wrong about them as well. After being duped by multiple people, I won’t give my full trust to anyone new. It’s sad, but it would be even sadder to have my trust abused again.

            • Yeah, I’m in your camp OHFFS and vee,

              It’s hard to trust. I wouldn’t mind meeting another man, but I will not marry. And I’d prefer that he have his own place.

              One whiff of someone trying to tell me what to do or give unsolicited advice, and I will sever that relationship.

              Strength to all my fellow chumps!!

            • I’m so sorry. Your comment made me cry. I took lost some friends – people who I thought were my best friends – when I needed love and support the most. It’s something I still hurt over and get angry about to this day. People can be so shitty. Your difficult times shows you who really is your friend and who isn’t. Losing friends is something that happens to most divorced people but it’s never talked about either.

              • Oh my gosh, I’m sorry you had to go through that crap too and that my post reminded you of it. But you’re right- it sure separates the wheat from the chaff. We now know which people in our lives really care about us and which ones don’t. That’s the silver lining.
                💜 to you CNM.

          • I had a vasectomy also at 34 for her. Though I’m not to bothered by it as I personally don’t want kids ever again. But yeah, part of me hopes she gets pregnant by some random hookups just so I can laugh at the karma.

            • Lol yeah, I guess karma hit my STBXW and her mid-forties lover with two kids of his own (by a common law wife he betrayed to be with mine)

          • My ex-wife insisted on my vasectomy too. We had two kids and she didn’t want any more but she wanted me to be fixed. I got snipped two years ago and eight months later she showed her true colors—active, ongoing extra-marital with a former youth football coach to our son.

            We’re nearly divorced now (thank goodness) and ironic that she got knocked up several months ago by her douche boyfriend. I think she’s about to give birth. I’m past the point of caring about the hurt and I don’t want anymore kids myself but it galls me that she was reckless and now having another baby is taking away time and resources from our two kids.

        • The financial decisions that I made not knowing the truth were devastating to me.

          I was outright conned within months of the discard. He wanted that river property and he knew he wasn’t going to get it with schmoopies credit. So he lied to me to convince me against my better judgement that we really couldn’t afford it at this time.

        • One of the cruelest parts is the stealing of years of a persons life. I’m so angry I wasted 15 years with her. From 22 years old to 37. Best years of most people’s lives just gone. All pissed away and for nothing. Now I’m stuck having to deal with her as we have young kids. If I had just never had gone out that one night, I’d never had met her.

          • That is awful.

            I get it. In my case it was age 18 to 40. Then the last 1.5 year was hell on earth. I didn’t know it of course but I was in the devaluation stage. He blamed it on “work pressure”.

            I guess he had to turn me into the enemy to be able to walk away. Funny, he didn’t mention anything about being unhappy, was content for me to continue basing my decisions on what I thought was a secure marriage. Was content to let me go ahead and work at all of his community and political events to help him move up.

            Then boom, he had been unhappy for ten years, and been “dating” for ten years. I guess “dating” is the new adultery. Has a much nicer ring, don’t you think?

            • All mental gymnastics for them. They need excuses to validate that they are low life’s. Mine was me being painted as a domestic abuser. For 15 years now abuse and suddenly when she was cheating and lying I just woke up one morning and decided to beat my wife? Even just a year previously she stated how she was happy I was not an abuser as her friend was going through a DV situation. Then boom, caught cheating with tons of men and I am now a violent man. Ohh and she carried our marriage for all these years. Yeah, my having joined the Army just to get medical benefits and a decent pay to support my family was just really her holding everything together.

              • Ha Yep.

                Funny that you mention the term “low life”. A while after we were legally separated my ex fw send me a letter of apology. He said, “I don’t know why I acted like such a low life” I remember thinking, um because you are a low life.

                You would think the apology letter would have meant something to me, but no. I just stood there and stared at it. I do wish I had kept it. It would have been fun all these years later to have CL run it through the BS translator.

                It was soon after that when fw called our preacher to set up a meeting to talk about counseling. I went though I knew I wasn’t going to go back. I let him ramble on a bit, while he pointed out my faults, and then said “I can’t make any promises” What a jerk. I looked at the preacher and said, thank you for you time, I think we are done here. Preacher was stunned at his behavior. Preacher called me later and said, he didn’t say what I thought he would be saying, I said “really, he said exactly what I expected”

                Arrogant jerk wanted me to beg and grovel to get him back. I took a hard pass on that opportunity.

                I think the preacher expected that he would be apologizing, and pledging to make it up to me etc. Lol. I knew that would never happen.

          • Its not wasting years of your life though – being in a relationship is nice, but you still should be doing the things you want with your life while in a relationship, you don’t just shut up shop once you get in a relationship and do nothing – you still have to live a life.

            The only time you would say you wasted your life is because you haven’t been pushing your life forwards yourself, its not up to your partner to make your life feel like its worthwhile. If thats your attitude, then you’re never going to be truly fulfilled or happy in life.

    • I counter that with “my child deserved to have TWO trustworthy parents.”

      Integrity, mental and emotional health is the road to authentic happiness. Self-centered instant gratification seems to be the cheater definition of happiness. So ironically we are not “sole mates”.

    • They find all sorts of excuses. Mine was like “I want to show our son what it’s like to be happy”, and I was like no? All you’re teaching him is that lying and cheating is golden if it makes you happy. God forbid he grows up to be like him.

      And not to boast, but our soon seems far more impressed by the fact I picked myself up in a foreign country and got myself back into education to retrain, and I’m killing it

      • Mine said to me he wanted my daughter to be modelled a good relationship. Ergo, ours wasn’t and out daughter knew it. She didn’t, we never argued, she was completely in the dark as was I. Wow that’s below the belt FFS. Good luck with that. Wait till she’s older and knows more about it than she does currently.

    • “Our daughters deserve to have a mother who has integrity.”

      But regardless of what our daughters deserve they will learn to manage their lives based on the truth. From at least one of their parents.

    • Spot on. That’s just a standard issue cheater rationalization to avoid facing the harm they do. Kids don’t notice or care whether their parents are blissfully happy together or not as long as there isn’t a toxic, abusive environment. Nor should they care, because parenting is supposed to be about them and that involves a good deal of self sacrifice on the part of the parents. If you’re not happy with your partner, you work on your relationship for the sake of your kids having an intact family. If you care about your kids, you don’t cheat and leave because you want the tingles of having a sparkly new partner. There are reams of studies showing the adverse effects of family breakups on kids; suicides, self-harm, substance abuse, and the list goes on.

      I did everything I could to improve my marriage but the fuckwit wouldn’t do his part. My youngest was still a teenager when he started to get overtly toxic towards me and her mental health suffered from it. She didn’t feel good about him being all high and giddy (a cheater’s version of “happiness”) about schmoopie. She just wanted her old dad back, the one who didn’t yell at or coldly ignore her mom.
      The best thing we can do for our kids is to treat our partner with caring and respect so that the kids feel secure and have a healthy model for their future relationships. Cheaters ignored that memo because they’re selfish sacks of horse dung.

    • Small Claims – General (*snorts* I wonder what the UBT would make of THAT)
      Tort – General (I note that his ex-wife hired a lawyer the second time around, but Siobhan Roberta did not)

      DCUrbanMom has a little treasure trove of snark and shade being tossed at the idiots.

      Yikes. Not only did he leave his family, it appears he quit a job to start this business, which hasn’t earned enough to cover their bills. They’ve taken on big debt to do so. Reading between the lines, if he quit his job to start a new business, he probably had no income and thus paid very little in child support. No wonder the divorce resulted in a “hellish” legal battle. Sad that at the end she mentions hoping to earn enough to pay off her student loans and support her parents, but nothing about supporting her own new fsmily with step kids.

      On the one hand, I’d be super pissed if my DH left me, quit his job and started a pot-business. On the other hand, if my DH was a pot-smoking construction contractor who drove away from our relationship in his “work truck”, I would count my lucky stars.

      Ruby sued his ex-wife (TWICE), who then clapped back with a counterclaim for $125,000.

      Paul tried to get out of paying child support but was ordered to do so to the tune of about $1500/month. He was also ordered to pay almost $7000 toward the mortgage (that he and XW signed together) – did he borrow against it to start this extraction business? He was also ordered to pay out $12000 for the credit card debt (again – I bet he rang it up to start the business and tried to make his XW responsible for it).

      Ruby talks about Paul being a licensed contractor. Not since September, 2018.

      Siobhan Roberta McConnell is a piece of work. So is Paul Kenneth Hampshire, III. I think his XW is well shot of him.

      I doubt that “Ruby” was married and if her partner was that dangerous, why the hell did he react so calmly? Does anyone else think that Paul wasn’t her first roll in the field? Isn’t it interesting that he was good enough to stay with until she had found someone else – first. Ditto for Paul, of course.

      Who can compete with someone who can write so badly and peel potatoes so well?

      They deserve one another. Look – if your marriage sucks – separate and divorce BEFORE you get naked in your lover’s bed while his WIFE AND CHILDREN are on vacation. The nerve of his wife! Expecting him to be employed and not do the horizontal tango with another woman. How unreasonable.

      Gah. I see Ruby has made her twitter account private. She’s also been removing comments to the Huff Compost page that don’t sing her praises. Pretty funny to witness.

      I feel so flipping NORMAL compared to these two.

      Hahahahaha! Ruby got exactly what she deserved.

      • Wow! Thanks for all this, Shit Cupcakes.

        Also, till I’m blue in the face I will repeat this line: “Look – if your marriage sucks – separate and divorce BEFORE you get naked in your lover’s bed while his WIFE AND CHILDREN are on vacation.”

        Mine did the horizontal tango in our marital bed whenever I was away, even when I was out of town to help my daughter who had just had a late-term miscarriage.

        That my ex could have sex with her in our bed at the traumatic time speaks volumes about his character. No doubt he justified the hell out of it. Knowing him, he said he needed comforting/sex because he was SO upset. These people are effed up.

        Oh, and I remember he didn’t want me to stay in a hotel (too expensive said the doctor with plenty of $$ that he was happily spending on hotel stays with the OW when they weren’t sleeping in either marital bed). I slept on a flimsy mat on my daughter’s floor (the Aerobed broke). Such a chump! Never again will I kowtow to another person like that.

      • NSC,

        Thanks for this. I make it a point to research just about anybody now before I read or watch anything they ‘publish’.

        You have taken care of my research time today….not that I have, or will ever, read anything Ruby writes.

        🙂

  • She also posted a video of herself stripping and dancing behind a screen, and describes herself as a
    writer, dancer, choreographer, and instructor from Eugene, Oregon. “She has more than thirty years of dance experience… Her published works include professional papers, essays, reviews, short stories, and her blog, Girl Gone Wild. Ruby was a founding collaborator and contributing writer for Harmonic Laboratory, a multidisciplinary arts group based at the University of Oregon that fuses electronic music, digital projection, and dance. Most recently, Ruby contributed text to Her Story, a dance work by the (Alex)andra Taylor Dance Company, which debuted December 2012 in New York City. She was recently awarded third place in the Northwest Perspectives Essay contest (in press) and has an essay in press with Oregon Quarterly Magazine. See RubyGoneWild.”

    Of course, comments are disabled.

  • God, my eyes are burning! I scrolled through her Instagram. These disgusting fucktwits all seem to have the same “Look at ME, I’m AMAZING” over post and over share via every outlet they can. Social media, books, blogs, friends, church (OMG, how I could slap a two bit churchy mouth breathing whore if it wouldn’t make me look bad), etc. They are absolutely deplorable! And, they all have the same MO……cheat, be a sidepiece, post sexy pics on social media, continue to promote their amazingness while blowing up peoples lives. DISGUSTING! Cheers to being 8yrs out of first ex and ow nightmare and 3yrs out of 24 yr old suicidal sidepiece and 52 yr old serious boyfriend nightmare….I already had been introduced to CN 8 yrs ago back during round 1. However, it was the last relationship that changed me on a soul level….I used that hurt to really dive deep to figure out why I continued to choose the wrong people. It was the hardest lesson of my life and changed me for the better. I could finally take the rose colored glasses off entirely! It’s helped me see an abuser as exactly what they are…..an abuser! No matter how successful, charming, how much money they have, etc. If they suck, I can see it🙌Long live Democracy!

    • So true. Most of them love bragging about their alleged awesomeness and the specialness of their wuv on social media. I always consider that proof that they are full of shit, losers at anything that really matters, and that their relationships actually suck. Happy, psychologically healthy people don’t feel the need to boast about their personal lives and make vulgar displays of themselves for attention.

      The OW in my case, however, avoids social media and I suspect it’s because she’s banged so many dudes she’s afraid of being nailed with criticism by ex lovers and their partners. So she keeps it on the down low. She did try out an anonymous account with a hilariously douchey fake name, but nobody knew about at the time but my STBX and one of her other boytoys (she had three sidedishes going at the same time), so she stopped using it. Only two guys responding = not nearly enough kibbles for a flaming attention whore. I did have a laugh when her other sidepiece (who was her husband’s best friend, naturally) quickly unfollowed her after I spilled the tea about her current boyfriends, ex-boyfriends, and casual sex partners to her husband. She sure was walking around all mopey and full of self pity after that. Good times.😁

      Great work figuring out why you were attracting fuckwits. Cheers to your permanent freedom from them and to the restoration of democracy. Once the Covid crisis abates, happy days are here again!

      • Ha, I haven’t looked in years since the grandchildren grew up, but my ex’s schmoops, didn’t post lovey dovey stuff but lots of “praise Gods” and Christian sites.

        vomit.

        My ex never had a FB account, my son said he hated FB. He died yesterday, and my son won’t post anything on FB because his dad wouldn’t like it.

        I did go to his step brothers site to see what he posted. He referred to the ex as “his dad” and then asked for prayers for his brother (my son) and misspelled my sons name. Yeah, they are really close. Especially when you consider my son is a jr, and it should have been easy to spell his name right, since it is the same name as his “dad”. This dude still has a living dad, who does that?

        But, I don’t know maybe he thought of him as a dad, he and his brother were a mess; so maybe his own dad neglected him.

        • Your ex fuckwit just died? My congratulations to you and my condolences to your son. That’s hard for him, especially since he probably has so many unreserved feelings about his dad.

          • Yes, it was not unexpected, he had some health issues for a while that he just wasn’t taking seriously. My son tried everything to get him to get medical care when needed. It wasn’t that he couldn’t get it, I think he just thought he had it under control.

            I too am sad for my son, and honestly it bothered me more than I thought it would.

            • Susie Lee,

              Are you ok? Even if you hated him in the end, I would imagine that there must be a confusing mix of emotions.

              Spelling your son’s name wrong speaks volumes. My condolences to your son. As OHFFS points out, there must be so many unresolved issues for him. Life can really suck.

              I hope you have the support you need to process this.

              ((hugs))

              • Oh yes I am fine. Thanks for asking.

                I am long past our break up. It is just weird. And I think most of it is, I just hurt for my son. Not long before he died, maybe about three weeks ago, son and I had a long talk. He made the statement that he loved his dad, but just didn’t understand him. He was working through things as we both knew the end was likely near.

                He had been in the hospital, and was back out again, and really shouldn’t have been.

                My husband’s ex died back in 06, and I remember he had a bit of a rough time with it too. She had a troubled relationship with her kids, and I know he hurt for them too. In his case we went back for her services, as she had never married, and he was able to support his kids.

                In my case he is married, and covid is upon us so that can’t happen. My son is making arrangements from afar, (cremation and transport) and they will do a private grave site service at a later date. It is a long story. His body is in one state, his wife is in another state, and my son is in yet another state. All about one thousand miles apart.

                Not how I would have wished for anyone to end. The hospital set up a video conference for them, so they were in a small way with him when he died. That had to be horrible for my son, and of course his wife.

              • Oh no offense, I was jusst explaining.

                I don’t get offended by any thoughts on this site. This is for folks to talk about their experience, and while a lot of our stuff is just so darn common, sometimes little things are different.

                My ex is and was a fw, and he was hurtful. That part never goes away. I do hope for his own good, he had made his peace before he passed. But, I will never know. Not really my business I guess. 🤷‍♂️

    • OMG😂😂😂. I read some of the comments. Ruby tap dancing naked to do anything for a buck! I’m dying!!!!

  • The tell that all is not well in twuwuvland is that she claims they don’t have to do any work on their relationship. Sure, like that ever happens in a healthy relationship. It means they just live in denial, don’t communicate, and ignore any problems. Since they devastated his family to be together, they have to pretend everything is perfect so that it wasn’t all for naught. She also uses the standard cheater “it was meant to be” soul mate excuse, a sure sign that she’s in fantasy land and it’s an adolescent, bullshit relationship. Cheaters put up such a pathetic pretense, blabbing all over social media about how in wuv and truly happy they are with the latest schmoop, yet the same people often text their exes saying they miss them. I imagine the ex Mrs Paul has had a few texts like that, since this Ruby person is such a self-absorbed, blithering idiot that even an equally narcissistic, cheating POS would find her hard to take. The dismissive way she talks about his kids and whining about how hard the divorce was for HIM (while, his ex and kids were traumatized) is disgusting. All in all, this is a typically gross piece of HP clickbait. I hope Ruby does an oopsie on a pogo stick and breaks her vag so she can’t fuck any more married men, and I hope Paul suffers from ED that little blue pills can’t correct.

  • If you know anyone who is a regular at the Oregon Country Fair, assume there is some drugging and some sexing going on, because it is actually quite a lot of effort to attend that event and not be constantly propositioned to engage in both (or get caught in a second hand smoke cloud).

    And if the person is WORKING anywhere there, they would have to specifically and especially make it a point to avoid certain experiences if they didn’t want to engage in that part of the event. The peer pressure is off the charts.

    If you’ve been there, you know.

    If you’ve been there and deny it, it’s because you don’t want others to know.

    • I was going to point this out as well. I grew up not far from where the Oregon Country Fair is held. I never attended, but the rumors of what went down were pretty epic. This event makes Sin City look wholesome. The fact that Ruby and Paul were working there each year should have been a red flag to both of their spouses.

  • Anybody get the ‘I want more passion in my life!’?

    Obviously these two were chasing that bus except for the ‘issues that caused some tension between us.’

    Could that be consequences maybe? Like he wasn’t taking responsibility so lawyers had to do it….poor baby.

    Yes, I would like to know the end to this story too. I can’t imagine it will be pretty but it will come in time since we all know it is inevitable….

    I do hope their spouse have found the help they needed to move on and are feeling lucky to be free on the dead weight they were carrying.

    • I got the “I’m afraid of having a less than passion-full marriage.” Look, FW, we have two young kids who don’t sleep through the night. You have unrealistic expectations for how things are supposed to be.

      I had never realized how immature he was until that tumbled out of his mouth.

        • I would troll STBX when he was still in the house but after d-day by singing “don’t go chasing waterfalls…”

          If people don’t work on themselves or a relationship when there is actual commitment or children involved then the chances they’ll do it for someone else is slim to none. But the highs of a new relationship make them believe that things are always gonna be effortless. I was thinking this morning though that we can’t assume that just because a couple stays together means that they are successful. I have a cousin whose husband has cheated on her multiple times. She is aware but doesn’t want to give up status and lifestyle. For some people these are ok trade offs.

          • Yeah, Limbo. The longevity of a relationship doesn’t necessarily mean the couple is happy.

            Btw, I’ve said this before but mine said that he was tired of needing porn.

            Fuck him! (I would bet my pension that he’s resumed his porn habit.) And I know he’s reliant on viagra. lol.

            Also, the self-contradictory fucker said that neither of us would experience better sex than we had with each other. I view that as an insult although I think he meant it as a compliment (albeit a narcissistic one). It’s an insult because he’s basically saying that the affair was about so much more than sweaty sex.

            He’s a knife twister.

            • No porn habit with my cheater but our bedroom was deader than the proverbial doornail. Before D-Day Nitwit frequently “joked” that if I didn’t gain at least 30 pounds (he liked chubby girls) he’d cheat on me with a heavier woman. Which he proceeded to do.

              After D-Day I asked him why he would marry a woman he did not find sexually attractive and how he managed sex with me on our honeymoon, which was the last time we had regular sex. His response? “I was desperate”. This would have been a devastating blow to my self-esteem except that every doctor I had ever been to told me that my weight was perfectly normal for my height. I knew I wasn’t some 90 pound boobless twig. I also knew that any man who refused relations with his wife until she lost X number of pounds would be vilified by every body-positivity group in existence. Thin privilege is real, but body-shaming is body-shaming, regardless of which direction it goes. It never occurred to him that I might be happy with my body as it is and that I might refuse to buy myself a whole new wardrobe just to please him. The entitlement of these cheaters is astonishing.

              We can do so much better than men who cannot get it up for us, for one reason or another. Finding a man who is genuinely attracted to me (and there are plenty of them) is part of my own “quest for exuberance” as Esther Perel would put it.

              • I’m guessing the weight thing was just an excuse. Anything not to have sex. Sociopaths tend to behave in this manner. Cut off sex shortly after they “land you”. He’ll do the same to the OW, only he’ll say she’s too fat. He may even triangulate OW with you and say gee my wife managed to stay slim and attractive. Can’t win with the disordered.

  • Ruby is ALSO a “goldmine” and THE SAVIOUR OF LOST CHILDREN! Although she admits she had to give it some thought because finding a lost little boy in the woods kinda wrecked her planned hike, and she has to think about it a bit. and FOR A MOMENT, that made her a terrible human being. (Unlike the years of misery she inflicted on Potato Paul’s kids, including suing their mom twice.)
    My guess is, that if this actually happened–who knows?–she was calculating what she could get out of it–an article, some fame?
    Here, in her own words:
    My gut told me his parents weren’t coming around the corner.
    For a moment I became a terrible human being. I thought only of myself. I lamented my vacation, my day, my hike, my solitude. I thought, “I don’t want to do this. I just want to relax.” I railed at the universe for dumping this problem on me. And then I turned to the boy and asked, “Are you lost?”
    “Yeah.”
    “OK.” I took a breath, made a choice. “Listen, kid, you’ve pretty much hit a gold mine with who you managed to run into out here. I’m a teacher and a camp counselor, and I work with kids outside all the time. And I’m pretty much the safest person you could have found. But since you’re a kid, and I’m an adult, and I’ve found you, you kind of have to stick with me until we get you back to your parents, OK?” https://oregonhumanities.org/rll/magazine/turn/out-of-the-woods/

    • OMG, she has to think twice about rescuing a lost child. A child who could have easily wandered into the woods and never be seen again. How it might interrupt her solitude. Awful human being! Most of us who are parents have rescued a lost child or two, and worried about how frantic their parents must be, how scared the child must be, and how to calm the child and find the parents or the police, so the child is safe. Not one thought about missed solitude. Monster in a human skin.

    • Wow, the narcissism is thick on the ground there. She’s actually bragging about her purported greatness (safest and most knowledgeable child helping person ever!) to a lost child. So she found a way to get kibbles from it and that’s the real reason she helped him. A shrink could diagnose her as NPD just based on that nugget of self-aggrandizing, low empathy drivel.

      • Right? I was horrified that she immediately made it about herself. Parent-child separation is peak nightmare scenario on both sides. She’s a piece of work.

  • Wow, this was excellent snark. So many good lines. But I feel dirty just envisioning her story. Not sure if it’s the grease from the burgers or fucking in his marital bed.
    I had that happen too, return from vacation with kids to realize.. wait a minute, someone has been here and it’s wasn’t your friend John!!

  • Later that week, with his wife and kids away on an extended summer vacation to visit family for the rest of summer, he invited me to meet him for lunch in a blueberry field on a rural property near his house. It was the first time we had ever seen each other outside the Fair.

    Over the next four weeks, as we tried to figure how to do what we were going to do

    He had broken the news about us the moment his wife had arrived home from vacation. She forced him to tell their kids after less than a day

    We were dealing with Paul’s hellish legal battle with his ex

    FOUR weeks of sex while the wife and kids were away and can you believe the nerve of that shrew demanding he be held accountable for the mortgage he co-signed and the children he co-authored? /s

    • Paul became “self-employed” soon after leaving his marriage. Like that tactic has never been used to get out of paying support. Both chump spouses are lucky to be rid these sleazebags.

      • In a case like that I think there ought to be an automatic legal kick in, that garnishes wages from any future job he has, or some legal outlet that kicks in to assure the spouse left hanging gets all their money at some point.

        I also think his new spouse should be a part of that. I believe in the state I lived in, the spouses salary could be considered when determining the amount of child support. I think that is fair. He or she should not be remarrying unless they expect to also pay their obligation to their children.

    • Happy to report that he is still on the hook for $825.00/month in child support. It appears he paid off the $12,000 in credit card debt he tried to stick to his ex-wife. Ditto for the $6885 in unpaid mortgage.

      Capital One is going to get its $7000 out of his sorry hide.

      Wow. He really doesn’t believe in paying his debts. Hahaha – Ruby landed herself a millstone!

  • What a bunch of narcissistic drivel from Ruby. All in the name of self centered “happiness”. After reading, I felt an overwhelming urge to print this column with UBT’s excellent retort, to be sent to my ex fuckwit and OW/wife. Surely then they might better understand what fools they are (like Ruby and Paul) and the devastation they caused. But then I remind myself, Proverbs 6:32 NTL, says “But the man who commits adultery is an utter fool, for he destroys himself.” And then…Proverbs 23:9 NTL, “Don’t waste your breath on fools, for they will despise the best advise”. I will maintain my dignity and No Contact.

  • The blog excerpt where this dipshit is wondering about mother salmon, eating a stale cookie, and thinking about Christmas was enough to convince me not to read the Huffpost article or her blog or anything she writes.

    My stomach isn’t strong enough! (Isn’t there a worst writing award?)

    Like my fabulist ex, there may be some kernels of truth in her detailed stories. For example, I fully believe she’s a cheater who blew up her family. But I also believe that, like my very creative but equally mendacious ex (The Python), there’s a whole lot of made up crap probably going on. My ex liked the sound of his own voice just as she apparently loves to see her drivel in print.

    Tons of bullshit. Total narc. Blech.

  • Oh I could see my ex’s mistress/wife writing this! And my ex would gobble it up like the end all to end all is nature, sex clubs and orgies. All natural and free love and him saying to my sons, “I’ve married my Craigslist soulmate – why can’t you just be happy for me!?”

  • Way back in the early 80’s when I was young I worked (for a short time) for Margaret Kent. Lawyer and “Author”. She was the author of “How to Marry the Man you Choose” and another book for men, I forget the name. Actually I was hired by her AP lawyer boyfriend, later husband. Margaret gave me the material for her book and I typed it up on a word processor. I remember thinking what a load of horseshit as I typed. There were about 5 young women that also worked in the office and we actually kept some strange hours. Like working at night if it was a good beach day. We made copies of the transcript and passed it around, laughing. Margaret used to tell me that we would all go on her book tour and I was thinking I won’t be working here next month but went along with her, what I thought at the time, delusions. So guess who was Oprah Winfrey’s very first guest on her first show? Yup Margaret. Lying up a storm as usual. So this is my point of the story, Margaret bragged (even in her book I think) that she saw lawyer boyfriend across the room at a party and just had to have him so she used tactics that she put in her book. He was very much married but she wanted him and low and behold she got him. He left his wife and she won. Here’s the truth. Lawyer boyfriend ( I really don’t want to use his name) was the most disgusting, revolting man I had ever met. His hair was plastered to his head (what was left of it) and it was greasy. His face was greasy, he smelled, was fat and looked like he was going to have a heart attack at any moment. Margaret was also no oil painting, but at least she was clean. Boyfriend was one hell of a successful tax lawyer though so he was footing the bill for her book. Oh and the book was $100.00, a lot of money for a book at that time and she said if it didn’t work she would refund the money. Anyway, I’m pretty sure lawyer boyfriend’s wife was doing cartwheels when Margaret took him off her hands. I’m also pretty sure she wouldn’t have sold one book if she showed a picture of her AP boyfriend then husband.

    • Before I had any personal brush with cheaters, that’s kind of how I pictured cheating paramours. The impression was cobbled together from the open marriages of the parents of two different grade school friends and a high school French teacher who dumped her husbamd for a skeazy little pastry chef. The concept of adultery has had a dumpy, dull, cheesy suburban aura ever since. Legends in their own minds and only “hot” if you’re blind.

    • KB22

      thank you for that backstory on “Margaret the author” and turd winner.

      #Ucantmakethisup

      • So true. Writing about her yesterday made me curious and I looked her up on FB. She now claims to be of Cuban descent. News to me. While I am not privy to her ancestry, pretty sure that is another insane lie.

  • I’ve been reading your blog for a while now Chump Lady. I’m definitely a fan. However, this is the first time I have felt utterly compelled to comment. This self-serving drivel just BEGS to be critiqued! Or rather, ripped apart and exposed for the unmitigated dog shit it truly is.

    I enjoy writing as a hobby, so of course the atrocious writing style was obvious to me. It’s an insult to those of us who take writing seriously. That alone should be a clear indicator to anyone reading who possesses even an ounce of sense that it truly isn’t worth their time; unless they’re looking for a good laugh, of course.

    Yet, in addition to it’s lack of proper wording and sentence structure, we have this garbage piece of writing’s narcissistic tone to suffer through as well. This is where I find the biggest insult of all. I could not find one instance where this “writer” expresses ANY empathy for the pain her actions caused this man child’s wife and children. She never once accepts any responsibility for destroying a family. Instead, she justifies her actions throughout by claiming their love (gag) pulled them together so intensely that wife and children be damned, their love MUST have its day!

    …give me a fucking break!!

    And Huffington post? I would say that you should all be ashamed of yourselves for allowing this narcissistic word vomit to make your cut, but you already know how much you suck.

    Thanks for letting me vent. The world would be an exponentially better place if folks like these would all go and take nose dives off the tallest of cliffs. But I digress..

  • This tripe starts out like the coffee house rambling of a 1960s beatnik. My goodness her blue moon! Must have been cold in her adulterous nakedness. I just tossed out my cups of blueberry yogurt as a protest. The burger I had for lunch is oddly repeating itself. Oh the victimhood! This might be the motivational keepsake for my weight loss program… I can read it after every meal and hurl

  • Looking at the photo in the article his eyes are hidden by the sunglasses but hers have a wild desperation about them. I’m sure I looked that way while posting on social media how wonderful my life with Nitwit was. Spackle, spackle, spackle.

    If he’s not cheating on her I’ll eat the napkin sitting beside my hand as I type this.

  • Ugh, If I want poetry I’ll stick with Amanda Gorman, thanks. Oh, so you’re all lyrical and full of your own wonderful, lady. No thanks. I hope she got absolutely reamed the first time.

    • I was referring to her blah blah blah the quieting latest entry on her blog. I’ve read the peace now and it reads as 13 year old girl meets a guy like she really really loves. Yeah we all fall in love after looking at each other for a really long time, and freaking out the younger staff. What dicks.

  • “Over the course of the next few days, we laid ourselves bare. What we found were two ambitious people on the verge of new beginnings — I was about to publish my first book, and he was starting a new business — who were being held back by unsupportive partners, toxic friends and an overwhelming sense of duty to how life “should” be lived. But we knew that we had to be with one another in a deep-down-feel-it-in-your-bones kind of way that made it painful to be apart. ” Hork.

  • My situation is too raw so I was disappointed to find out they are happily married….still. Where is the karma? Ugh. But then I read the article and she hints at struggles but is happy, happy, happy so happy. I’m studying to understand what it means to be happy and this isn’t it. Didn’t someone say she sued his ex? Twice. Going out on a limb here but that doesn’t sound like something a happy person would do.

    Despite being sad I’m happier than FW. D15 brought over her application to get her learners permit for me to sign. We are still married and it needs to be notarized so I sent it back unsigned. I was calm. He however got all pissy “why is she being so difficult?” I wasn’t. I’ve been no contact for 16 months so he’s free. Total projection I’m not being difficult he is.

    • I seriously doubt they are happy. They are just two disordered, broke nitwits that no one else wants right now. Although I tend to be incredibly suspect of anyone that writes, be it social media or for a magazine, they have a wonderful, happy and perfect marriage. I know a lot of people that have solid marriages and they never feel the need to broadcast. Disordered, unhappy people do tend to broadcast and it is all BS.

    • Everytime cheaters say they’re happy together, just imagine the Arrested Development Narrator in your head telling the truth: They’re not.

      Before I read this article, I randomly ran across an article about Ozzy and Sharon Osborne that was written as though it was this great, happy love story, but it admitted he was married before and had cheated on and left his first wife for Sharon. As I started out reading, I thought of the pain his first wife must feel when she sees them and their family in the limelight. She and her children with Ozzy are erased from history. The details of Ozzy and Sharon’s marriage were horrendous! It was stunning to see how they continued to portray it as some great love story because they’re still together. Sure, they’re together and say they’re happy, but it’s pretty clear that’s not happy. Instead of feeling his first wife’s pain, I felt the relief she probably feels not having to be married to Ozzy anymore. She got some of his money and she’s out there living a super happy peaceful life now. Sharon’s been abused and cheated on by the man she cheated with.
      I sat there thinking about how he and Sharon only stayed together all these years because they were both broken and terrible people who could withstand each other. It’s not some happy, great lovestory. It’s horrendous. Just like they say “water seeks it’s own level.”

      I also frequent another cheating blog. There’s an article there written by an OW who admits her marriage sucks and they’re both unhappy but she feels like she can’t even tell people the truth about their marriage now or leave him because of what they did. When I read that, I had that kid from the Simpson’s in my head yelling “ha-ha!”

      But the point is, and stat prove this, cheaters rarely stay together and aren’t happy once they affair high wears off.

    • “This interview was conducted in April 2020. It has been edited for clarity.”

      Indeed. One can imagine the original draft.

      Can’t imagine this pap being a lucrative gig for the unattractive geologist.

      • I am so distrustful of her that I dug around to reassure myself that she did indeed have a sister who died far too young. She lied about her birth year, but not her age at death. It was very sad because it was true.

        Eh, if you are a competent geologist, no one cares about your looks. Or they shouldn’t care. No idea if she is competent or not. I rather doubt it.

  • Paul’s aversion to paying bills didn’t appear out of nowhere. I’m aghast looking at some other information.

    In total, in one state – $278,631.72 (Not Potato Paul but let’s just say he learned it from the cradle)

  • She PAID to have her latest book published. Someone mentioned vanity presses, so I checked. Her publisher for the latest is “Overcup Press.” which is the front name for Clyde Custom Publishing. https://overcupbooks.com/pages/clyde-custom-publishing
    And for someone who talks up her supposed credentials, I haven’t seen anything related to a college degree in geology, yet she repeatedly claims to be a geologist. Form her most recent book promo form this year:” Ruby McConnell is a registered geologist…”
    I looked her up. NOT REGISTERED IN OREGON. No record at all, not even expired. https://www.oregon.gov/osbge/Resgistration/Pages/Lookup.aspx I checked Washington state, just in case, and she’s not registered there either.
    FRAUD FRAUD FRAUD cheater cheater. Just like my STBXH. He, too, lies about non-existent degrees, credentials, awards, and pays for vanity projects.
    And yet people believe their BS stories.

  • I forgot to mention, the so-called “registered geologist’s” book is titled, “Ground Truth: A Geological Survey of a Life.” But she’s not registered. Who knows if she’s eve a geologist?

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