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And the Infidelity Valentine Poetry Contest Winners Are….

you suck valentineHappy Valentine’s Day! Boy, it was hard to choose the winners this year. You guys have some deep reserves of snark and mordant humor. Helping me winnowing out the top haiku and limerick submissions was Mr. CL, who is qualified as a) a chump and b) a guy with a useless MA in comparative literature. He loves the word play.

So, without further ado…

Haiku RUNNERS UP were….

Left wife son and house
For what? Schmoopie? Nothing great
What rhymes with fuck you

Chump Truck

Other girl has ham hands
He said my thumbs are too thin
He has a small dick

Nice 5-7-5 syllabic burns.

Haiku WINNERS are…

Velvet Hammer

Adult Friend Finder
Is a good place to broadcast
You’re not an adult


Jeanne Cerrone

Onward and upward
I go to the land of Meh
And there I found me

Well done!

The limerick RUNNER UPs are…


He had a side piece from Brazil
Who didn’t believe in the pill
He had a baby at 50
2 AM feedings are nifty!
And I’m sipping wine in Negril


I like using this part of my brain
In creative mitigation of pain
If I win the prize
Though I live with his lies
Will I stop viewing myself with disdain?


A woman who once had a ho job
Tried to give my husband a blow job
The short-sighted jerk
Used his office at work
And his boss found out – now he’s “no job”.


There once was a mate-poaching ditz.
On Facebook old boyfriends she fished.
Ego she stroked.
But no rich trophy was yoked.
All she banked were pathetic dick pix.

The limerick WINNERS are…

Macauly D

My cheating ex spouse is a failure
He also has small genitalia
His wee willy winky
Is the size of my pinky
But his ego could stretch to Australia

We bow to your rhyme scheme, Macauly.

Nothing Chumpares 2 U

She Cheated lied and destroyed
Paramour ghosted her, now she’s annoyed
“Ah, Plan B”, she prepared
“Like Hell!”, I declared
Meet my new friend, Schadenfreude!

Very clever Nothing Chumpares 2U. Hope you and Schadenfreude have a beautiful relationship.

And, I generally don’t make exceptions for new categories, but next year I may add raps, because I really enjoyed:

lori canon

Chumplady said to make it full of snark.
Ok… When his new girl makes noise, it sounds like a bark.
They probably did it behind trees in the park.
They thought they’d be together forever like a movie on Hallmark.
Turned out to be more like an episode of cops at a trailer park.
I heard from a lark, they couldn’t make it past their trip to a national park.
I bet he couldn’t wait to disembark, from his new girlfriend whom he thought was an amusement park.
But you get what you deserve and I’m happy without you, because now my life is so full of spark!
All because you were an ass and my lawyer was a shark.

You’re a winner too! You had me at rhyming Hallmark with trailer park.

Congratulations to the winners and thanks everyone for playing! Winners I’ll be in touch to get your contact info on where to send books, or shoot me an email.

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at Read more about submission guidelines.
  • Congrats to the winners. So much creativity! I had a hard time not overusing the F bomb. Looking forward to the song lyrics page on the new site. The few I have encountered make me laugh so hard and I always need a laugh.

    For V day this year, kiddo made me a card and gave me a chia pet FW bought for him to give me (he is only 6 – kiddo, not FW). I gave FW a box of beef jerky because that was as close as I could get to sad sausage. Appearances are still being kept up for the time being. lol

  • Congratulations, all. Your entertaining submissions are extremely witty and entertaining.

    I do have to add that (with tongue nudging toward my cheek) as a fellow holder of an MA in CompLit, I take umbrage at the shade you cast on Mr. CL. He’s probably an insightful and well-spoken guy who can employ a mean turn of phrase. Hey, we may not always be the life of the party, but we usually excel at crossword puzzles! And if you want to talk about “useless” degrees and professions, just try being a Latin teacher. I cannot tell you how much time I have spent over the years defending my passion. Kinda like needing to explain a proclivity for pine-cone elves or something. (Yup, the tongue just moved over a bit.)

    • I have a useless masters degree in history. We bonded over our esoteric love of the liberal arts.

      Mr CL: “I left grad school because I got tired of writing about the semicolon in George Elliot’s later works. And borrowing enormous sums of money to do it.”

      • I find those degree tidbits about you both lovely, Chump Lady! The liberal arts are useful in and of themselves….says the lady with a philosophy/religious studies undergraduate degree and a master’s in liberal arts (writing), and who was working on an MA in history, when D-Day hit.

  • THIS was the highlight of my day! (a little rainy outside)

    They were all wonderful entrants, so creative – and I so admire people who can do poems like this!
    Congratulations to all the excellent….EXCELLENT winners. I enjoyed it very much.

    (inside w/dogs and perfectly happy alone)

  • I am incredibly honored to be among the mentioned!
    I have learned so much and become so much stronger in the past few years of being a part of this wonderful family ????

  • Yay, I was a runner up!

    I freaking love this group. Without the book and the CL Nation, I don’t know how I would’ve gotten through the past eight months.

    I ate three (or four?) Drumstick ice cream cones today for Valentine’s Day (that’s what happens when you go to the store hungry and all the real food is gone b/c of a looming winter storm in TN), and now it’s snowing it’s butt off outside. Best Valentine’s Day in a LONG time.

    Macaulay, your limerick was awesome! Lol

  • Winning this beats winning the Pick Me dance any day of the week.

    Of course without the daily dose of Chump Nation cognitive first aid, this victory would have been impossible, so of course I share this with all of you.

    That we are able to come up with such creative, clever, and entertaining poetry gives poetic justice a new meaning and is a sign of recovery. For a long time after DDay I could barely put two thoughts together, let alone laugh.

    I really think a book of chump poetry is in order; there were so many great entries it must have been very hard to choose!

    As for Valentine’s Day, it is our little conure’s hatch day. She turned three years old and we are grateful that day has a new and more important meaning in our family. Besides, I think our children are our soul mates, so I was with my true soul mate yesterday and if he’s still with the hitwoman he was consigned to be with his ‘Sole Mate’.

    For Valentine’s Day
    A mama and her baby
    Are still together

    (The haiku floodgates have been opened.
    Be sure to visit Basho’s house in Arashiyama if you ever go to Japan. It’s peaceful and beautiful.).

    • OMG you know about Basho? Isn’t he the guy renowned for his “the cypress tree in the yard” reply to a Zen koan?

      Please, please, please write a CN haiku ode to Basho.

  • It was an honor to be a runner up. Thank you for appreciating my Haiku. There was some stiff competition — and I loved reading each and every one of them.

    It was cathartic to let off some snark. I try to be so good these days LOL

  • Congrats to the Winners and thank you Chump Lady for hosting the V-Day contest to give us all a well-deserved giggle. I wrote my own post-Valentine’s Day poem this morning to share with Chump Nation:

    Roses are red, violets are blue.
    My spouse laid with whores, so what do you do?
    He hide it for decades, enjoying his flings.
    The Narcissistic prick still thinks he’s a king.
    A doctor ya’ know, those white-coated Gods.
    The truth of course, he’s really so odd.
    Dungeons they booked – all over LA- playing the game of Tarzan & Jane.
    Have to laugh now, it’s pretty insane.
    He kissed her and whipped her and tied her in chains.
    All going so well, until the ho left her lane.
    Money she wanted, and wanted it now….
    She began to wail like a big-bloated cow….
    Calls and e-mails demanding the bucks….
    The Narcissistic doc says he regretted the f….ks.
    In the face of extortion and countless threats…
    Big Mr. White-coat …. her demands he met.
    Paid her cash to make it all ‘go-away’
    Of course, that only lasted for days…..
    The whore kept calling for coin and cash
    I knew nothing about this ass and his lass….
    He came to me with trembling knees…..
    Confessions and tears, begging please “Help ME”
    I thought to myself, can this be true?
    Am I in Twilight Zone? What do I do?
    Practical first – stay calm and cool…
    All of this horror is completely new.
    To keep the whore away – he had paid her a lot…..
    So she kept coming back every month on the dot…..
    A Restraining Order I sought…..and I got.
    It’s been almost a year and his face I’ve not seen.
    Still hard to believe he could be so mean.
    He’s an SA member now & walkin’ the walk…
    Sends me texts and e-mails with his SA talk…..
    He’s so proud & claims he’s fought his addiction…
    I just learned he booked 34 whores from my kitchen.
    I refuse to cry, my face gets so red.
    Some days you really would rather be dead….
    But what good is that? Why all the tears?
    You were a good wife for thirty years!
    Don’t accept blame for a Narcissist’s game….
    He’ll do the same to another dame….
    He says he’s found God and is workin’ the steps…..
    More likely he’s banging a new drug rep….
    Oh, how they lie….and will ‘till they die…it’s really time to say good-bye.
    So Roses are Red
    Violets are blue….
    There’s a sale at Neiman’s……..just for you. xoxoxo

    • Congrats to all runners up and winners – and all chumps! I’m honored to be chosen a runner-up. In bawdy limerick tradition, here’s one more ribald stanza:

      There once was a cheating louche
      Minimization he plied – like a douche
      ”We’re only friends!” he railed
      “It was a mistake!” he wailed
      Guess “It just happened!” when he tripped and fell into cooch

    • Marvelous! ChumpLady must include categories for sonnets and epic poems in next year’s competition.

      Incorporating pun-snark invoking epic archetypes like Gilgamesh, Enkidu, Beowulf, &c., might be a great category too.

  • I loved them all and yes, please, a rap category in the future would be fun.

    Nothing Chumpares 2 U – WOW!

  • Thanks. I forgot to add that I bought another seven copies of “Leave A Cheater Gain A Life” during Valentine’s Day for several of my colleagues daughters. It’s a great book to read for college age gals and single gals. I really think this book is so great…I just wish I had found it years ago. I found it exactly the way so many other women do – in the throws of discovery day – combing through Amazon and I picked up along with several ‘how to save your marriage books” – Chump Lady is brilliant. She holds the knowledge of a cheater’s make up. We not only need to protect our daughters from becoming Chumps….we need to school them in how to NEVER be an OW. I often wonder if OW’s breed OW’s. And our sons….how do we raise them not to be Cheaters? I don’t know. I truly don’t know anything other than “Leave A Cheater, Gain A Life” is a must read for all women. xo

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