Happy Valentine’s Day! Boy, it was hard to choose the winners this year. You guys have some deep reserves of snark and mordant humor. Helping me winnowing out the top haiku and limerick submissions was Mr. CL, who is qualified as a) a chump and b) a guy with a useless MA in comparative literature. He loves the word play.
So, without further ado…
Haiku RUNNERS UP were….
Left wife son and house
For what? Schmoopie? Nothing great
What rhymes with fuck you
Other girl has ham hands
He said my thumbs are too thin
He has a small dick
Nice 5-7-5 syllabic burns.
Haiku WINNERS are…
Adult Friend Finder
Is a good place to broadcast
You’re not an adult
Onward and upward
I go to the land of Meh
And there I found me
The limerick RUNNER UPs are…
He had a side piece from Brazil
Who didn’t believe in the pill
He had a baby at 50
2 AM feedings are nifty!
And I’m sipping wine in Negril
I like using this part of my brain
In creative mitigation of pain
If I win the prize
Though I live with his lies
Will I stop viewing myself with disdain?
A woman who once had a ho job
Tried to give my husband a blow job
The short-sighted jerk
Used his office at work
And his boss found out – now he’s “no job”.
There once was a mate-poaching ditz.
On Facebook old boyfriends she fished.
Ego she stroked.
But no rich trophy was yoked.
All she banked were pathetic dick pix.
The limerick WINNERS are…
My cheating ex spouse is a failure
He also has small genitalia
His wee willy winky
Is the size of my pinky
But his ego could stretch to Australia
We bow to your rhyme scheme, Macauly.
Nothing Chumpares 2 U
She Cheated lied and destroyed
Paramour ghosted her, now she’s annoyed
“Ah, Plan B”, she prepared
“Like Hell!”, I declared
Meet my new friend, Schadenfreude!
Very clever Nothing Chumpares 2U. Hope you and Schadenfreude have a beautiful relationship.
And, I generally don’t make exceptions for new categories, but next year I may add raps, because I really enjoyed:
Chumplady said to make it full of snark.
Ok… When his new girl makes noise, it sounds like a bark.
They probably did it behind trees in the park.
They thought they’d be together forever like a movie on Hallmark.
Turned out to be more like an episode of cops at a trailer park.
I heard from a lark, they couldn’t make it past their trip to a national park.
I bet he couldn’t wait to disembark, from his new girlfriend whom he thought was an amusement park.
But you get what you deserve and I’m happy without you, because now my life is so full of spark!
All because you were an ass and my lawyer was a shark.
You’re a winner too! You had me at rhyming Hallmark with trailer park.
Congratulations to the winners and thanks everyone for playing! Winners I’ll be in touch to get your contact info on where to send books, or shoot me an email.