It’s Time Again for Infidelity Valentines!
Happy February, chumps! It’s nearly Valentine’s Day, or as people have been known to call it “Single Awareness Day.” If you’re feeling a bit adrift with all the mylar heart balloons and syrupy sentiment out there…. consider snark!
Yes, it’s time once again for our Infidelity Valentine’s Day Contest where we remember the less fortunate — the poor sods that wound up with our exes — and immortalize them in verse.
So send me a poem! Just like previous year’s contests, I’m looking for either a haiku or a limerick that encapsulates your cheater experience. The winners get inscribed copies of my book (I’ll ship anywhere). I will announce the winner on Valentine’s Day. So hey, the day isn’t a total waste, right?
To recap from 8th grade English, a haiku is a poem with 5-7-5 syllables.
I love you but I’m…
Christ, you are such a cliche
…not in love with you.
A limerick is a 5 line poem with a rhyme scheme of AABBA.
There once was a mistress named Kay
Who was a better liar than a lay
She had HPV
And now it’s with me
My husband’s clap conveys
Check the archives for past chump cleverness. We have some real snarky gems.
Please no lugubrious long-form verse — keep it bitter, funny, and short. (Yes, I said bitter. As in acerbic. As in take-this-Valentine-and-shove-it.)
You have until February 13 to send submissions!
Broken butt plug not
Used or worn out on me….
Race you to the point
Roses are Red
Violets are Blue
You have a big dick
And you act like one, too
Compulsive liar
Even when it makes more sense
To tell the damn truth
I knew me this fella, Jack Lee.
Dated a lass no more than 23.
Still remember the hisses
When Clara, his missus,
Said “Well, that’s sure news to me!”
Forgot to mention this is fictional, but I couldn’t resist the limerick.
Unbeknownst to me I married a whore
After 23 years I kicked her cheating a$$ to the door
Still waiting for the Karma bus to arrive
Meanwhile my children and i continue to thrive!!
God bless you chump lady and all the chumps like me on this site!!
follow
Fat, bald and fifty
Buys himself a child bride
And I, found real love!
Haha, love it.
I once was a loving, devoted wife,
Til my husband backstabbed me with a knife,
Told me I was to “blame”,
Then the Karma bus came,
Lost a cheater but I gained a life!
????
Thanks JG and Noname for the ❤. Hope I win the contest – coincidentally birthday IS actually on Valentine’s Day,
would be a cool birthday prize for this chump!
*my* birthday
❤️
I’ll try two:
Are you so ashamed …
that lying about the truth is
the easiest thing?
or ….
You put your needs first,
once more, like you always did,
Me? … Plan B? … No chance!
He said I still love you, you know,
Despite me moving out for my Ho,
You cried while I lied, which I thought was funny
And you cried as I took all the money,
But I took him to court and I won,
The divorce is over and done,
I do want Karma I have to say
It might not arrive today
But us Chumps are strong so we will
survive
Not only that we leave the Cheater’s behind and go on to thrive.
There once was a mistress named Kay
Who was a better liar than a lay
She had HPV
And now it’s with me
My husband’s clap conveys
The truth of the matter- it matters
The lies and abuse don’t just scatter
Astrid Hayley and Kimber
Hoes for days I hope they were limber
Because he continually gets bigger and fatter
fucking men on the side
took me along for the ride
hell, I never knew
til i discovered it was true
now he’s out on his ass cause he lied
Love it
????
Bitter or focused?
Never get past the one thing
Waste of decade … yep
I hope you rebuild
True to what you show people
But mold rots unseen
It’s been ten years now
Long-term marriage in our state
He thinks she’ll dump him
I love it. But I choose not to go down I thought process that merges creativity with everything else I’ve gone through in this painful process.
I’ll read the other ones but I’m going to skip on this one. Although I do say that I have a lot of that extended long diatribe that we call verse in my phone but I try not to think of it. I only look at it when I need reminding why I left the creep.
Totally get it. I think if people need it to vent, it’s great, if it’s going to sideline healing that involves getting away from the snark, also a really good choice. I skipped this a bit, but this year it’s all in fun for me.
You said your wife was boring. So you hooked up with wives skanky cousin. She was fun and bitched. She was ditched after you found out she was after your money. Your ex is happy. Saving more money than ever. And now you keep begging your ex to take you back.
The karma bus came for you – the cousin ditched him… YAYAYAYAYAYAY!
Should have said she was fun and never bitched.
I was your guide light
They were more than a flesh light
You were my gaslight
I smile, wryly. In one of the emails I found after I was dumped by ex after 26 years, evidencing the long-standing, long-distance affair with old girlfriend from school, she had written him a lovely limerick detailing their sexual exploits, such as they were. Ex not particularly well-endowed or skilful with what little he has. His response:
‘You are very talented. And good at limericks too.’
How my tribe of chump friends laugh at that reply, the answer to many posts being ‘but are you good at limericks’. You will understand that one of my many failures is in respect of limerick creation. I’m no poet and don’t I know it.
An essential element in any long marriage. I’ll know better next time, but I’m not going to polish up my skills here.
Great competition.
“Ex not particularly well-endowed or skilful”
Hope you moved on to bigger and better things 😉
“You are very talented. And good at limericks too.’
Guessing he attended The Derek Zoolander Center For Cheaters Who Can’t Read Good And Wanna Learn To Do Other Stuff Good Too?
A Craigslist hookup
You both think you are Sole Mates
It’s not an upgrade
Other girl has ham hands
He said my thumbs are too thin
He has a small dick
upvote
There once was a mistress named Hannah
Who wanted my husband’s banana
She got drunk at his bar
Then got into his car
And made 25 years disappear – Abracadabra!
Love this one! Xo Sweet
>> Abracadabra
Ha, ha, ha!! Great one!
Perfect!
Dude this is a great one. Hahaha
That was great!
Brava!!!!
Hotels and ho-workers
Manscaping and future faking
Secret life, he no longer has a wife
Succinct perfection, Longtime Chump.
There once was a howorker named Star
She lives o’er in Canada
STBX likes her full moon
She’s a good source of poon
A true constellation by far
Disclaimer..vulgar
She told me that you were her rock
Right after you gave her your cock
Went to be with you
But all went askew
When she found yet another new jock
I once had a love,
But alas ‘tis no more.
Now I’ve got a life…
And he’s got a whore.
Roses are red.
Violets are blue.
Bet now you’re remarried,
You’re looking for a better screw…
Here’s my submission, in the form of a renku (linked haiku telling a story):
No divorce lawyers!
You wanted mediation–
Such a sad sausage.
I got a lawyer.
Found the law was on my side.
We took you to court.
Now I’m no contact.
Blocked your number on my phone.
Ghosted you this time!
I left you behind.
I eat sausage for breakfast,
The walls sing again!
????
A family member confessed
He fondled her teenage girl breast.
My fury runs deep
For the disgusting creep.
Absence is how he’ll survive best.
(That’s the sad one. Just hit my radar yesterday. Needed to vent a bit. Here’s a snarky, meta one.)
On Valentine’s Day, we recall
How cheaters — fat, thin, short, and tall —
Though first oozing charm,
Will always cause harm.
Get rid of yours, once and for all!
Wow, I’m so sorry that happened. X
There once was an intern named Laurie
Who was significantly less than my forty
My husband, her boss
Rode her like a hoss
And now he’s stuck with Miss Whore-y.
Beautiful, golden verse!!!!
Perfection
There once was a husband who was bored.
So he found a coworker who felt “ignored.”
The lunch hour seemed right,
although the stick shift made it tight,
To fuck up two marriages and more.
love this one!
Omgosh that’s my ex toooooo. Perfect.
Sweet No-Thing (found haiku)
“You make me feel like
I’m made of the most precious
gems in the world.”
(“…The way every woman deserves to feel at least once in her life.”)
Can’t take credit, but too good not to share. The vacuous, young (and not naive) OW’s parting legs – er, words! Yes, my slovenly, unromantic and unfulfilling ex evidently called her Sweet Thing (I was Mouse); and yes, they had a short-lived, nauseatingly phony and clichéd affair that involved grooming, flattery, lies and mutual masturbation – meant in the broadest sense. So, she liked being hidden from his family and friends (except a few choice dudes) and not allowed to go out in public? She liked the ego boost. Wow, Sweet Thing must be really special if he wanted her instead of his honest, independent, intelligent, attractive, responsible and patient partner of over a decade. Yes, every woman deserves what he “gave” her… What?! I’m guessing she didn’t know about the others – or how dismissive he was of her once I found out (while of course still fucking and flirting with her daily). Every person involved with that guy is a chump – and that includes his friends, family and 1,000’s of followers. I got chumped, but I take comfort in KNOWING I never would have fallen for that POS if I was in any of the OWs’ positions. A creepy older womanizer with a longterm partner (funny that one of his jobs was as a Roving Ranger)? Speaks for itself… (FYI, he’s devalued and moved to a new ST(D?) now, too. Keeps him from me, and more importantly – me from him; he really is that shallow, selfish and cowardly.)
Sorry for getting off track! It just comes bubbling up, and this is the least of it.
He had a side piece from Brazil
Who would never have taken the pill
He had a baby at 50
2 AM feedings are nifty!
And I’m sipping wine in Negril
????
Slight edit on this:
He had a side piece from Brazil
Who didn’t believe in the pill
He had a baby at 50
2 AM feedings are nifty!
And I’m sipping wine in Negril
JustWondering,????????
🙂
Yes!!!!! Bravo!!!!
Lol. Love this one! My FW is welcoming baby #5 (second child with his intern) at 48. Good luck, little miss mistress. He didn’t help me when he was in his 30s!
As a male Argentinian friend said, in his second language (English) “It’s not helping, it’s being a father”. I’ve heard some men call tending to their children “babysitting”.
There once was a whore-fucking cheater
A frequent John, he was quite the repeater
The whores, he would pay
Just to get them to play
I’m sure they laughed at his peter’s centimeter
hahahaha
Bahaha
Doesn’t matter if you’re Bi or not
Our marriage is absolutely shot
Warn the next woman, I did try
But there is no competing with your lie
So off to a cheater-free future I trot
******
Never thought I’d make it through the fire
But I survived a marriage with a cheat and a liar
My son and I have built a new life
Filled with love, honesty, and no strife
While you look for the next Ho to hire
******
While your head goes bald and your back grows hair
I look at your new life and can’t help some days but to stare
How can it be, that you’ve recoupled but not me
Still lovebombing and gaslighting somehow keeps you free
To just keep swiping through life to your next affair
Once I was married to Karrie
She desperately wanted to re-marry
She got married to him
She’s divorced again
And I am the one who is merry
Bravo!
Take one starry-eyed ho-worker, Jess,
And your husband, whom she must possess.
Mix together and see
That you are now free,
And their lives are one hell of a mess.
Wherever you go
The lie is your company
Permanent tattoo
I love this!
As a side note, I remember enjoying and enthusiastically recommending to my then-husband the book Lying by Sam Harris. I read it twice and thought it was thought-provoking. I was hoping we could discuss it. My ex stared at me blankly.
An Ivy-league educated man, he didn’t read much, unless it was a book about fly fishing, so I didn’t take this as a sign.
My not-yet-at-meh self sometimes fantasizes about sending him the book anonymously. No note. No return address.
But I won’t.
My doggie bags to you I will send,
Even though we are much less than friends.
But you love to sample, I know,
What I should have tossed out long ago…
“Dating is ok, but not as good as stuffed crust pizza”
“Happy Independence Day” instead of Happy V Day!
You left for Happy
You created a Worse Mess
Good luck with that one
There once was a husband named Joe
Whose best friend was feeling quite low
So Joe jumped the wife
His best friend lost his life
Hope they’re haunted by both of us now.
Yikes! I hope the best friend didn’t die. Quite cool how much story is packed into this short poem.
No Skill For Marriage
Is in a relationship
With fellow cheater
A pillar of community, he
Spoke of himself so grandly
But I saw the receipts
At the hotel he cheats
Silly girl, “commandments aren’t for people like me.”
Good rhythm! The ending line is great too.
My Ex met a thirty year old scrub,
Who wanted her to go and give him a rub
She showed him her tassles
Even bleached her asshole
But it all just ended up on pornhub
I just spit my drink out ????
Hahah! Brilliant!
An affair is proof
That you are both total jerks
I am the winner
????????????
Peace perfect peace
Fresh Clean Egyptian cotton sheets
White lace and linens
Only memory sinks into foam
of a mattress that is all mine!
You are on Tinder
While living with the Sole Mate
You are a loser
>> You are a loser
Ha, ha, ha…
You paid with your child
For low quality women
I’m the smart shopper
Incredible!
There once was a ho-bag named **censored**
Her va jay-jay was repeatedly entered
She lied and deflected
Yet no shame was detected
CL Nation cried “put your head in a blender”
Good rhythm & rhymes! Ha, ha, ha…
If I had a choice
Between my child and a ho
I would choose my child.
Betty Broderick
Or Jennifer Aniston
Go the way of J
There once was a man quite pervy
With his actions he got quite nervy
He peeped like a Tom
Til his wife found the bombs
Now it’s with divorce that he got serv-ied
The sun is coming
I did not know it was dark
The love was a lie
He was a shadow
I did not see he was fake
She gets the shadow
Smoke and mirrors suck
I got sideswiped by a lie
I want truth instead
Facebook is Fakebook
Pay attention to real life
Right in front of me
Here is my attempt at a Ho-ku…..sorry…I meant Haiku
You cheat, lie, betray
From pedestal unworthy
I trust that you suck
I thought he was nice
Ironically she is proof
He is an a**h**e