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It’s Time Again for Infidelity Valentines!

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Happy February, chumps! It’s nearly Valentine’s Day, or as people have been known to call it “Single Awareness Day.” If you’re feeling a bit adrift with all the mylar heart balloons and syrupy sentiment out there…. consider snark!

Yes, it’s time once again for our Infidelity Valentine’s Day Contest where we remember the less fortunate — the poor sods that wound up with our exes — and immortalize them in verse.

So send me a poem! Just like previous year’s contests, I’m looking for either a haiku or a limerick that encapsulates your cheater experience. The winners get inscribed copies of my book (I’ll ship anywhere). I will announce the winner on Valentine’s Day. So hey, the day isn’t a total waste, right?

To recap from 8th grade English, a haiku is a poem with 5-7-5 syllables.

I love you but I’m…
Christ, you are such a cliche
…not in love with you.

A limerick is a 5 line poem with a rhyme scheme of AABBA.

There once was a mistress named Kay
Who was a better liar than a lay
She had HPV
And now it’s with me
My husband’s clap conveys

Check the archives for past chump cleverness. We have some real snarky gems.

Please no lugubrious long-form verse — keep it bitter, funny, and short. (Yes, I said bitter. As in acerbic. As in take-this-Valentine-and-shove-it.)

You have until February 13 to send submissions!

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Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
    • I knew me this fella, Jack Lee.
      Dated a lass no more than 23.
      Still remember the hisses
      When Clara, his missus,
      Said “Well, that’s sure news to me!”

        • Unbeknownst to me I married a whore
          After 23 years I kicked her cheating a$$ to the door
          Still waiting for the Karma bus to arrive
          Meanwhile my children and i continue to thrive!!

          God bless you chump lady and all the chumps like me on this site!!

  • I’ll try two:

    Are you so ashamed …
    that lying about the truth is
    the easiest thing?

    or ….

    You put your needs first,
    once more, like you always did,
    Me? … Plan B? … No chance!

    • He said I still love you, you know,

      Despite me moving out for my Ho,

      You cried while I lied, which I thought was funny

      And you cried as I took all the money,

      But I took him to court and I won,

      The divorce is over and done,

      I do want Karma I have to say

      It might not arrive today

      But us Chumps are strong so we will
      survive

      Not only that we leave the Cheater’s behind and go on to thrive.

  • There once was a mistress named Kay
    Who was a better liar than a lay
    She had HPV
    And now it’s with me
    My husband’s clap conveys

    The truth of the matter- it matters
    The lies and abuse don’t just scatter
    Astrid Hayley and Kimber
    Hoes for days I hope they were limber
    Because he continually gets bigger and fatter

  • fucking men on the side
    took me along for the ride
    hell, I never knew
    til i discovered it was true
    now he’s out on his ass cause he lied

  • Bitter or focused?
    Never get past the one thing
    Waste of decade … yep

    I hope you rebuild
    True to what you show people
    But mold rots unseen

  • I love it. But I choose not to go down I thought process that merges creativity with everything else I’ve gone through in this painful process.

    I’ll read the other ones but I’m going to skip on this one. Although I do say that I have a lot of that extended long diatribe that we call verse in my phone but I try not to think of it. I only look at it when I need reminding why I left the creep.

    • Totally get it. I think if people need it to vent, it’s great, if it’s going to sideline healing that involves getting away from the snark, also a really good choice. I skipped this a bit, but this year it’s all in fun for me.

  • You said your wife was boring. So you hooked up with wives skanky cousin. She was fun and bitched. She was ditched after you found out she was after your money. Your ex is happy. Saving more money than ever. And now you keep begging your ex to take you back.

  • I smile, wryly. In one of the emails I found after I was dumped by ex after 26 years, evidencing the long-standing, long-distance affair with old girlfriend from school, she had written him a lovely limerick detailing their sexual exploits, such as they were. Ex not particularly well-endowed or skilful with what little he has. His response:

    ‘You are very talented. And good at limericks too.’

    How my tribe of chump friends laugh at that reply, the answer to many posts being ‘but are you good at limericks’. You will understand that one of my many failures is in respect of limerick creation. I’m no poet and don’t I know it.

    An essential element in any long marriage. I’ll know better next time, but I’m not going to polish up my skills here.

    Great competition.

    • “You are very talented. And good at limericks too.’

      Guessing he attended The Derek Zoolander Center For Cheaters Who Can’t Read Good And Wanna Learn To Do Other Stuff Good Too?

  • There once was a mistress named Hannah
    Who wanted my husband’s banana
    She got drunk at his bar
    Then got into his car
    And made 25 years disappear – Abracadabra!

  • There once was a howorker named Star
    She lives o’er in Canada
    STBX likes her full moon
    She’s a good source of poon
    A true constellation by far

  • Disclaimer..vulgar
    She told me that you were her rock
    Right after you gave her your cock
    Went to be with you
    But all went askew
    When she found yet another new jock

  • I once had a love,
    But alas ‘tis no more.
    Now I’ve got a life…
    And he’s got a whore.

    Roses are red.
    Violets are blue.
    Bet now you’re remarried,
    You’re looking for a better screw…

  • Here’s my submission, in the form of a renku (linked haiku telling a story):

    No divorce lawyers!
    You wanted mediation–
    Such a sad sausage.

    I got a lawyer.
    Found the law was on my side.
    We took you to court.

    Now I’m no contact.
    Blocked your number on my phone.
    Ghosted you this time!

    I left you behind.
    I eat sausage for breakfast,
    The walls sing again!

  • A family member confessed
    He fondled her teenage girl breast.
    My fury runs deep
    For the disgusting creep.
    Absence is how he’ll survive best.

    (That’s the sad one. Just hit my radar yesterday. Needed to vent a bit. Here’s a snarky, meta one.)

    On Valentine’s Day, we recall
    How cheaters — fat, thin, short, and tall —
    Though first oozing charm,
    Will always cause harm.
    Get rid of yours, once and for all!

  • There once was an intern named Laurie
    Who was significantly less than my forty
    My husband, her boss
    Rode her like a hoss
    And now he’s stuck with Miss Whore-y.

  • There once was a husband who was bored.
    So he found a coworker who felt “ignored.”
    The lunch hour seemed right,
    although the stick shift made it tight,
    To fuck up two marriages and more.

  • Sweet No-Thing (found haiku)

    “You make me feel like
    I’m made of the most precious
    gems in the world.”

    (“…The way every woman deserves to feel at least once in her life.”)

    Can’t take credit, but too good not to share. The vacuous, young (and not naive) OW’s parting legs – er, words! Yes, my slovenly, unromantic and unfulfilling ex evidently called her Sweet Thing (I was Mouse); and yes, they had a short-lived, nauseatingly phony and clichéd affair that involved grooming, flattery, lies and mutual masturbation – meant in the broadest sense. So, she liked being hidden from his family and friends (except a few choice dudes) and not allowed to go out in public? She liked the ego boost. Wow, Sweet Thing must be really special if he wanted her instead of his honest, independent, intelligent, attractive, responsible and patient partner of over a decade. Yes, every woman deserves what he “gave” her… What?! I’m guessing she didn’t know about the others – or how dismissive he was of her once I found out (while of course still fucking and flirting with her daily). Every person involved with that guy is a chump – and that includes his friends, family and 1,000’s of followers. I got chumped, but I take comfort in KNOWING I never would have fallen for that POS if I was in any of the OWs’ positions. A creepy older womanizer with a longterm partner (funny that one of his jobs was as a Roving Ranger)? Speaks for itself… (FYI, he’s devalued and moved to a new ST(D?) now, too. Keeps him from me, and more importantly – me from him; he really is that shallow, selfish and cowardly.)

    Sorry for getting off track! It just comes bubbling up, and this is the least of it.

  • He had a side piece from Brazil
    Who would never have taken the pill
    He had a baby at 50
    2 AM feedings are nifty!
    And I’m sipping wine in Negril

  • There once was a whore-fucking cheater
    A frequent John, he was quite the repeater
    The whores, he would pay
    Just to get them to play
    I’m sure they laughed at his peter’s centimeter

  • Doesn’t matter if you’re Bi or not
    Our marriage is absolutely shot
    Warn the next woman, I did try
    But there is no competing with your lie
    So off to a cheater-free future I trot

    ******

    Never thought I’d make it through the fire
    But I survived a marriage with a cheat and a liar
    My son and I have built a new life
    Filled with love, honesty, and no strife
    While you look for the next Ho to hire

    ******

    While your head goes bald and your back grows hair
    I look at your new life and can’t help some days but to stare
    How can it be, that you’ve recoupled but not me
    Still lovebombing and gaslighting somehow keeps you free
    To just keep swiping through life to your next affair

  • Once I was married to Karrie
    She desperately wanted to re-marry
    She got married to him
    She’s divorced again
    And I am the one who is merry

  • Take one starry-eyed ho-worker, Jess,
    And your husband, whom she must possess.
    Mix together and see
    That you are now free,
    And their lives are one hell of a mess.

    • I love this!

      As a side note, I remember enjoying and enthusiastically recommending to my then-husband the book Lying by Sam Harris. I read it twice and thought it was thought-provoking. I was hoping we could discuss it. My ex stared at me blankly.

      An Ivy-league educated man, he didn’t read much, unless it was a book about fly fishing, so I didn’t take this as a sign.

      My not-yet-at-meh self sometimes fantasizes about sending him the book anonymously. No note. No return address.

      But I won’t.

  • My doggie bags to you I will send,
    Even though we are much less than friends.
    But you love to sample, I know,
    What I should have tossed out long ago…

  • There once was a husband named Joe

    Whose best friend was feeling quite low

    So Joe jumped the wife

    His best friend lost his life

    Hope they’re haunted by both of us now.

  • A pillar of community, he
    Spoke of himself so grandly
    But I saw the receipts
    At the hotel he cheats
    Silly girl, “commandments aren’t for people like me.”

  • My Ex met a thirty year old scrub,
    Who wanted her to go and give him a rub
    She showed him her tassles
    Even bleached her asshole
    But it all just ended up on pornhub

  • Peace perfect peace
    Fresh Clean Egyptian cotton sheets
    White lace and linens
    Only memory sinks into foam
    of a mattress that is all mine!

  • There once was a ho-bag named **censored**
    Her va jay-jay was repeatedly entered
    She lied and deflected
    Yet no shame was detected
    CL Nation cried “put your head in a blender”

  • There once was a man quite pervy
    With his actions he got quite nervy
    He peeped like a Tom
    Til his wife found the bombs
    Now it’s with divorce that he got serv-ied

  • Here is my attempt at a Ho-ku…..sorry…I meant Haiku

    You cheat, lie, betray
    From pedestal unworthy
    I trust that you suck

    • All cheaters are
      Selfish heartless frauds
      And most likely
      they will get bored
      One day (if not already) he/she
      Will cheat on each other too you’ll see
      Two selfish hearties frauds meet
      A special Valentines Karma treat

  • He served her a Phallic steak
    Blistering globules of fat
    Out door bred
    In a car park dogging spot
    With communal pubes
    And missing hearts

  • There once was a whore named Jackie
    Whom my ex always thought sort of wacky
    Until she needed a raise
    And in so many days
    Would do anything to the EX in the backie. (of my Volvo XC90)

    • Love the car make and model detail!

      Btw, now I understand why my ex kept the cargo area of his jeep so clean. Ick.

      • Thank you. When I actually got the car, the console cover was broken! Really ick. What we realize in hindsight.

  • Acrostic

    A whore stole my man
    Nasty, mean and bad in the sack
    Go ahead! Your turn with that ghost
    I am done with his ass
    Ever the slut, I wish you the worst

    ——-

    Drinks by the beach, clandestine texts
    Do you really think divorce is best?
    Riding your whores in Sam funded jets
    Tax money, oh honey!
    Your dick will rot on a federal cell

    _———————–

    You keep on coming to my bed
    “Like I’m still a virgin” you say
    “You feel too good” you cry
    “Your body is made for sin” you declare

    So Angie is bad in bed I take?
    It serves you both well
    I’m the other woman now I guess!

  • Poor Wife felt our marriage was wallowed
    The most unbelievable transgressions soon followed
    Business trips, they provided
    Cover for legs wide divided
    Careless texts then confirmed that she swallowed

  • Roses at my work
    You are such a jerk
    Fake as store bought snow
    Thank God I’m in the know
    You’ll get yours with poaching skirt

  • There once was a married man who thought he could do better
    Laid eyes on a married woman and set out to get her
    At the end of the day
    She just wanted to play
    Then he lost it all after getting a lawyer’s letter.

  • There was an old Midwestern geezer
    Whose young Shmoopie he did try to please her
    His wife she found out
    Tossed his cheating ass out
    And is waiting for Meh to receive her

  • There once was a F*ckwit named Jenn
    Who romanced with paper and pen
    Wrote so many letters
    But I think I’m better
    Without letting the FW back in

  • Valentine’s Day sure was hard
    I found my unpopulated card
    It went downhill quick
    As she was riding strange dick
    She deserves to be feathered and tarred

  • Come again Cupid
    You are cruel, blind and stupid
    I’ve been chumped trice by two morons
    Last time aided by Covid

  • Chumplady said to make it full of snark.
    Ok… When his new girl makes noise, it sounds like a bark.
    They probably did it behind trees in the park.
    They thought they’d be together forever like a movie on Hallmark.
    Turned out to be more like an episode of cops at a trailer park.
    I heard from a lark, they couldn’t make it past their trip to a national park.
    I bet he couldn’t wait to disembark, from his new girlfriend whom he thought was an amusement park.
    But you get what you deserve and I’m happy without you, because now my life is so full of spark!
    All because you were an ass and my lawyer was a shark.

  • You swore there were no “others”,
    And then fucked her when I went to my brother’s.
    The kids called me and said,
    “Dad’s not in bed.”
    No, you were in bed with your lover.

  • You couldn’t keep your dick in your pants,
    I was stupid and for you I did dance.

    But I left and I gained a new life,
    Your cheater AP is now wife.

    A good person you aren’t, not a chance!

  • This is more for bad poetry day, but I like it:

    You showed up at my place
    suitcase in tow

    You begged to come in
    with no place to go

    You were sorry you said
    and your eyes were all red

    I said
    “Get the hell out of here,
    you lying, cheating, two-timing
    sack of sh^&”
    and slammed the door.

  • Adult Friend Finder
    Is a good place to broadcast
    You’re not an adult

    About to sign off
    My brain spit out another
    That’s all I promise

  • 8 year affair? With her? Oh, how could you?
    Replies he, she does things you do not do.
    Goodbye, you can pump her
    Straight into her dumper
    Evermore your wee ween smells of poo

    • Now THIS needs to be available in a commercial Valentine card. No kidding. What is with APs and the poop chute anyway? Disgusting.

  • On this Valentine’s day
    I wanted to say
    Go fuck yourself!

    ———-

    Sweet little honey
    You are full of baloney
    Now open your wallet
    And give me my money!

  • A good settlement I finally got.

    While he has turned into a sot.

    The fuckbuddy he’ll marry

    And on I will carry

    Regrets? No I have not!

    • Her name is Nancy
      Not pretty or Fancy
      Now she’s the sucker
      With the prostitute fucker
      And I am the one feeling dancy

  • I saw Captain Perfect hoard cake
    Behind “Principles” shiny and fake
    Once he’s run out of lies
    He wipes off crumbs and cries,
    “Have mercy! It was just a mistake!”

  • I’ll try one-
    You say meeting me made you sad
    30 years and yet many good times we had
    Which you deny and say,”it was all bad!”
    Well good riddance to you and may the karma bus hit you in the face, you cad!

    (This is really quite therapeutic!)

  • There once was a cheater named Klootzak
    Who thought he was good in the sack
    Those little blue pills
    Helped sustain his cheap thrills
    But now he wants his old life back.

  • A Bully, A Brute, and A Victim,
    She was all three while taking his “limb”.
    She left me with ease,
    kept her set of keys.
    Because she “didn’t mean to move in with him”.

  • OMG I can’t stop!

    There once was a man who fucked strange.
    He refused, for his family, to change.
    They kicked his ass out.
    Oh, he did shout!
    But now he sleeps with the mange.

    There once was a husband untrue,
    Whose wife was without a clue.
    He fucked other women.
    With his dick he was smitten,
    Til it was coated with sores and goo.

    There once was a man who loved cake.
    His wife he chose to forsake.
    With no time for his sort,
    She took him to court.
    Now his wallet is sure to break.

    There once was a narcissist bloke,
    Whose wife he tried once to choke.
    He lied and deceived.
    But he got no reprieve,
    Because now he’s nothing but broke.

    There once was a wife not enough.
    Her husband he traded up.
    But the girl was a cheater,
    And he was no keeper,
    So she left for a younger pup.

    There once was a wife too old,
    Whose husband grew ever cold.
    He found a young whore,
    Who found him a bore.
    Now he lives life as a cuckold.

  • Round heeled splay-legged stinky pussied slut –
    Met her work goals sharing ’round her butt-
    Everyone knows about office ho Ronda-
    Gives more rides than a working Uber Honda!

    Karma’s great but it’s too slow-
    Spent my time collecting info-
    It’s a pandemic I put on a mask,
    Bought myself a burner phone and took that bitch to task.

    Now her husband knows all that I know-
    Won’t be long until her marriage blows!
    Hurt my marriage? I’ll hurt your life!
    Won’t be long until you’re not a wife.

  • To me he’s a threat
    I need to protect myself
    With your help I can

    (Thank you Ms Wordsmythe Chump Lady and Chump Nation)

  • He thought he found a star
    Had sex with her in my car
    He made a big mess
    Now takes the shoe leather express
    He doesn’t get very far.

  • If marriage was such a big trap
    Why did you have to make me your sap
    Now you jump to and fro
    Soon new wifey will know
    Your “twu wuv” is pure utter crap

  • She Cheated lied and destroyed
    Paramour ghosted her, now she’s annoyed
    “Ah, Plan B”, she prepared
    “Like Hell!”, I declared
    Meet my new friend, Schadenfreude!

  • Online rendezvous and self absorbed admissions,
    Mutual deceptions and the pretense of contrition,
    Avoiding accountability because of the non-involvement of lawyers
    Until they experienced consequences from their employers.

  • An STD panel receipt
    Was the evidence of your deceit
    Harlot’s pussy must smell like fish
    Is your johnson covered with sores?
    Syphilis to you is my wish

    ———
    Ps/ true story

  • Imagine a pic
    Of you and the dumb Fuckwit
    But he’s not in it

    Pity the sad sausage
    Vampire without a supply
    Boo fucking boo hoo

    There once was a ho from Kentucky
    Who thought with Fuckwit she was lucky
    She left her chump spouse
    To shack up with the louse
    And now her life’s nothing but sucky

  • You abandoned me
    Love don’t live here anymore
    Just anger and hate

    You never loved me
    I was just your charity
    Someone you pitied

    Said you weren’t happy
    Went out to be secretly
    Would not try with me

    She also got hurt?
    Forgive me for not caring
    You made vows to me

    Had some respect to
    Me as their mother, but none
    To me as his wife

    They don’t even know
    If only they understood
    Would they even care?

    Stole years of my life
    Should have been honest with me
    Would have saved so much

    It was all a lie
    A mirage, a hologram
    Hid his true feelings

    Some directly inspired by CL:

    Missing character
    Broken moral compasses
    No integrity

    Do not feel jealous
    She is not enviable
    She just thinks she is

    Okay so she won
    A liar and a cheater
    What a prize he is

  • Rage, Charm and Pity.
    Platinum pussy she had.
    So she thought, Reprieve!

    *—-———————*

    At first, the going was rough.
    The journey through Hell did enough.

    My agency Woke!
    As I lit up a smoke,

    “My Son, get thee free from this muff”.

  • I tried two:
    There once was a man called Bill
    He was mean and awful-quite a Pill
    He hooked up with Rose,
    and married her, I suppose
    Now her misery is bound to spill

    and

    There once were four kids and a wife
    Who put a with a man who caused much strife
    He left them for his paramour, They, lucky, see him no more
    Now as his wife, she bears all the strife.

  • one more:
    There once was a concubine called Rose
    The EX left me for her, now he knows
    I am better without him,
    I don’t miss him or want him,
    I sit and watch as his misery grows

  • Sequential narratives:

    entitled liar
    had my love and loyalty
    and his howorker

    no we can’t be friends
    nor sit together ‘for [kid]’
    friends don’t cheat and lie

    he cheated I left
    yes cheater free life is good
    no contact is great

  • Skanky women who date
    cheating us men we hate.
    Our wasbands are such tools
    who think we are dim fools
    ’til we win in court fate.

  • Narcissist Prick
    Only thought with his dick
    Destroyed his life
    Lost his wife
    Abuses the kids it’s just sick

  • Fuckwit left me for another
    For me he never would bother
    Then it hit me like a bomb
    Schmoopie’s just like his mom!
    So ew he’s just fucking his mother

  • Trigger warning: statutory rape.

    There once was a cheater named Sam.
    Who was also a rapist, oh damn.
    Preyed upon young girls,
    Pathological lying unfurls.
    Now we know cheater’s life is a sham.

  • There once was a homewrecker named Hannah
    She was about as bright as a banana
    She was youthful, carefree and fun
    Now at home with a baby, hair up in a bun
    Her man is out on the town with Diana

  • You thought your dumb story would stick
    And our marriage i would pick
    Here’s one thing I won’t conceal
    No one thinks your toupee is real
    Hope she enjoys your broke ass and limp dick

  • Her twat was power
    My whole life she devoured
    She won a fuckwit.

    Also….

    Her twat was sizzling
    Double life a dazzling
    He burns when he pees.

  • There once was a coach named Jer,
    He had a clique gym affair.
    They connected over squats, booty shorts and smelly socks.
    Twu wuv and protein farts are in the air.

  • 2 decades of loyalty weren’t enough
    You had go share your muff
    The family you nuked
    Betrayal, I puked!
    Good thing I’m so fucking tough!

    2 fuckwits hatched a plan
    My wife, cheated on her man
    6 months of denial
    The shit, quite a pile
    In the end, the other dick ran!

  • My husband said please don’t be bitter
    But I want a girl younger and fitter
    So he’s gave up his wife
    And the rest of his life
    For a shit thats been rolling in glitter!!

  • What some find appealing, appalling!
    Sudden interest in primping and dolling?
    Remove nose hair and warts, shave your face and squelch farts,
    Guess that’s all that it takes – skanks come crawling.

    • The bloody balls thing is true. Really.
      He’d come home with briefs full of blood stains.
      And put them in the hamper.
      Didn’t happen frequently but often enough.
      Did he pre-treat the stains? No.
      Did I wash them? No.
      I always threw them out.
      Why didn’t I throw him out with them?

  • Fuckwit turned fifty-nine
    Suddenly got out of line
    Four years on, he’s sixty three
    with a toddler who is now three
    a new wife who is 35 years younger
    life is such a wonder
    I used to care if Karma came
    Hah!! I’m sure his dick is now lame!

  • So glad you’re an EX
    Turns out you’re a hex
    You turned off the light
    So it wouldn’t be too bright
    to imagine her and use me for sex

  • There once was a douche from Vancouver,
    First a whore then a lie then a hoover,
    But he’s out on his ass
    And I’ve got the cash,
    Now he cries because he’s the big loser

  • My life was upturned on my honeymoon,
    “It’s sex addiction!” cried my ex-loon.
    In therapy, he lied
    He kept hurting me; I cried.
    Now in this pandemic I still await my boon.

  • An emperor sat with no clothes
    Upon his lazyboy chair
    Commanding as Captain Kirk
    “Mmmm which Ho would be worthy to download today said with a smirk?”

    The universe was his.

    Without imperfection she must be!
    “To the download you go wretch onto my thumb drive he commanded with glee!!”

    The mouse clicker in one hand governed the space
    The other hand shifted downward with grace
    Over the gluttonous skin-tagged belly
    Over the crinkled grey body hair
    Onto where?

    Oh there…
    His 3 inch scepter
    His 3 inch glorious light sabre
    The 3 inch god he worshiped
    Then it all was over

  • There once was a skank named Emily
    Still married but for her not a problemily
    They didn’t care about their kids
    He left me, of son got rid
    And together they’re still not a family

  • There once was a girl named Baraa
    Who thought she had a magic hoo-ha
    Then it turned out Jeff’s snake
    Was everywhere on the make
    He’s all hers now- haha!

  • Mr Wonderful’s a fake
    He’s really filled with hate
    ‘Integrity’ didn’t get him far
    No gaz in his car
    His true colours forced me awake

    His family blows smoke up his ass
    His neediness you can’t surpass
    His sweet mom’s a fraud too
    All compliments then ‘boo’
    The minute you’re ditched for low class

    Beware of the guy who needs to look good
    And gives more than sane people would
    He does it for kibbles
    He survives while he nibbles
    On your sweet soul, because he could

    Uses up your affection
    Can’t do self-reflection
    He cheats with a tart
    Throws darts at your heart
    And scars children with selfish deception

    Although I was shattered
    And emotionally battered
    I can now see he’s creepy
    So I’m no longer weepy
    The Cheater was really a hazard

  • No gentleman is he
    Who always cries, “Me! Me! Me!”
    He of the 2 inch dick
    Turned out to be a royal prick
    And now I am finally free!

  • There once was a chump-finder born
    Who focused on deception and porn
    The chump he picked fled
    After finding double lives led
    And helped by Chump Nation, doesn’t mourn

  • The husband I thought was so deep
    In secret was really a creep
    Now that truth can be known
    And true colors are shown
    I can let go and peacefully sleep

  • There once was a woman from China
    Who thought she was smarter and finer
    She jumped in the fire
    He’s a cheater and liar
    And he’s also a cheapskate and whiner

  • She thought she had won a big prize
    When the assets were flashed in her eyes
    He’s also on Tinder
    She’s not going to hinder
    His cheating and stealing and lies

  • No contact is a bless
    I got a new address
    Don’t want your pity word
    More lies or getting disturbed
    I’m a healing in progress

    I believed you could love truly
    But you were really using me
    Now I won’t confuse
    Fake words and abuse,
    Tu n’es plus mon ami

    Existence of lies
    Once vowed my life to love you
    Now hope you both die

    Divorce is next month
    You have fled to Mexico
    Cheater is hiding

    • Not making this up
      They were all lying to me
      I got out thank God

      Once upon a time
      Became a nightmare from hell
      No prince no princess

  • Our wedding vows he had redacted
    To Asians he’d long been attracted
    My look of Causasian
    Was not his persuasion
    But to me all attracted he’d acted.

  • I once loved a cheater for years
    his words and demands filled my ears
    now I love me
    and I am free
    with so many less worries and cares

  • There was a snake that thought himself clever,
    Hiding herpes his latest endeavor.
    But then his wife found him out,
    “Fuck you!” she did shout,
    And quickly his finances she did dissever.

  • My X sparkly turd
    So many have heard

    Of exploits in her classroom.
    Close the door and BOOM!

    “Hit the bricks!” Is what I urged…

  • I could take it no more
    Put a lock on the door

    Her fit was without borders
    It forced a restraining order

    One more thing she couldn’t ignore

    • X-wifes stated intention
      “Meeting for coffee” was just a confection
      She was gone for the night
      Appeared with no coffee in sight
      But with an st infection

  • “Humiliating” is what she said
    To be proven to be giving head

    To gnarly old dick
    Her classroom for a trick

    Facing co-workers filled her with dread.

  • He tried and tried to launch his rocket…
    Five, four, three, two, one-inch sprocket.
    Used Viagra for rocket fuel,
    His smiling whore, delusional.
    Mayday limp, mission aborted.

  • this is addictive!

    Your romantic cards were cheese
    Manipulation was your expertise
    You said it was an intellectual connection
    Glad I was spared a hotel rendezvous ‘cerebral’ infection
    You lied like you breath

  • If it wasn’t so sad it’d funny
    She poached you cause she thought you had money
    Her kids’ father had no place in his home
    Cause she made you king of their thrown
    And now things aren’t so sunny

  • You made a laughingstock of yourself at work
    Was it because Mc-coworker could twerk?
    Why would you wreck the family you had ?
    Destroy your reputation and be a crappy dad?
    Oh it’s because you’re a jerk

  • There once was a fucking spouse
    Who screwed a nurse in our house
    He lied every day
    Enjoying cake all the way
    And now I’m well rid of the louse.

  • There once was a boy in a band
    That played the dive bars of the land
    Turns out all his groupies
    Were really his shmoopies
    So his shit from the house I had banned

  • He needed a surefire way,
    to get an easy lay.

    His whore was easy,
    disgustingly sleazy.

    Affidavits and subpoenas made my day.

  • The howorker’s name is Bre
    She was born when hubby was 33

    Turns out girlfriends & drugs are pricey
    Too bad last to find out was wifey

    Leave a cheater, Gain a Life-Hooray!
    My divorce will be final someday.

  • There was a sad sausage named Terry
    Who cheated so much it was scary
    His wife caught on
    And now she’s gone
    His life is no longer so merry.

  • This isn’t a haiku or limerick, but just what came out when I started writing…

    It used to be that he loved me,
    At least, that’s what I thought.
    But then the lie that would not die
    Surfaced, and he was caught.
    The double life, the years of strife,
    Came crashing to an end.
    The hurt, the pain, financial strain
    Would take some time to mend.
    But then a light came to my sight;
    A life without the turd!
    It’s cheater-free and OMG!
    It’s awesome, take my word!

  • There was an artiste named Javier
    Who yearly got sleazier and grabbier
    His focus was short
    He’d a wife in each port
    A jaded conceited back-stabbier.

  • “He’s captive,” or so says Perel
    A liar? A cheat? “That’s no smell.”
    If cheating’s so fresh
    Why am I out of breath?
    I’ll pass on her noxious cartel.

  • Christmas eve was the day that he told me
    He’d been fucking around with his shmoochie
    She was shiny and pretty
    … also shallow and shitty
    So I walked, but first took all his money

  • I wrote a lot of poetry when I was in grief. Hers a haiku I wrote:

    The wedding suit haiku

    I tore it to shreds
    It was my outlet for pain
    I used a big knife

    You should see the suit…

  • Long time lurker here. Thought this year, in celebration of 1st Valentine’s day cheater free, I would give it a shot…

    In order to make his dick tingle
    With strippers he often did mingle
    After 4th D-Day
    Finally told him “No way!”
    And now I am blessedly single.

  • Cheater husband got cancer and died
    Work Wives, Harem and WorkHo cried and cried
    Added to our grief
    Mullet head narc sister in law became a thief
    So grateful this is the end of the ride

  • You can’t keep your dick in your pants
    Oh how a narc loves all those sycophants
    You lost control with one
    Had an unwanted son
    And now all that you had is undone

  • There was a pathetic man called Rick
    Turned out to be just another prick
    He lied and he lied
    And I cried and I cried
    But now I’m off pretty damn quick

  • A compulsive liar named Mark
    Helped me up the ante on snark
    Lies multiplied
    Love shriveled and died
    Turns out I’d married a narc

  • I thought you were more than the rest
    Can’t believe that I considered you best
    Pulled the wool over my eyes
    Your head between her thighs
    Now I’m waiting my STI test

  • Now my diet it whisky for lunch
    And food I definitely can’t munch
    I wish I could die
    Wish you didn’t lie
    And for that I thank you a bunch

  • A spoon fell in love with a fork
    Not knowing he was a spork
    The best man was gay
    Fake wedding day
    Done before the pop of the cork

  • Married Jeff, he was a sap
    Co-worker face down in his lap
    I’d never been to court
    Now I’m an expert of sorts
    I’m happy and now their life is crap

  • There once was a dickhead named Dave
    Who thought cake was all the rave
    He gorged on his kibbles
    Which gave him the dribbles
    And now there is nothing to save

  • A woman now calls herself Frog
    Due to forty-one years in a fog
    She remains chumped
    Her man isn’t dumped
    But she daily reads Chump Lady’s blog

  • Whilst the Schmoopie polished her aura
    My husband told me, ‘I adore her’
    But turns out that his belle
    Was crazy as hell
    There’s more shit but I don’t want to bore ya

  • I like using this part of my brain
    In creative mitigation of pain
    If I win the prize
    Though I live with his lies
    Will I stop viewing myself with disdain?

  • He advertised the size of his truck back seat.
    A Craigslist ho responded ready to suck his meat.
    Married to me and engaged to the ho;
    The wife and kids had to go!
    My new life is sweeter than a Valentines’ treat.

  • A woman who once had a ho job
    Tried to give my husband a blow job
    The short-sighted jerk
    Used his office at work
    And his boss found out – now he’s “no job”.

  • Not that this entry will win but in case it did I want the prize to go to whomever coined the “three legged stool” analogy.

    She at first feigned accord with a fling
    Soon demanded he take off his ring
    They met in hotels
    She heard wedding bells
    And harmonious strains of ca-ching

    But some rashly timed sexting spelled doom
    Then a PI snapped snogging on zoom
    Divorce foils many fools
    Affairs are three legged stools
    And without the chump leg some go boom

  • I’m late to the party but here goes;

    A jerk rode the office bike, Rita
    A cheater and like Rita, a repeater
    At lunch they’d have drinks
    ‘Twas too brazen, methinks
    Since they both ended up Walmart greeters.

  • You humped your ho in my bed
    That disrespect made me see red
    I don’t believe your lying
    I laugh at your crying
    And now I consider you dead

  • There once was a mate-poaching ditz.
    On Facebook old boyfriends she fished.
    Ego she stroked.
    But no rich trophy was yoked.
    All she banked were disgusting dick pix.

  • There once was a fat, balding narcissist
    Who was having the mother of all midlife crisises
    He said marriage was boring
    So with another man’s wife he went whoring
    Proving the mask of integrity he wore for the farce it is

  • D-Day 2 was only 24
    You said her texts showed ‘concern’, nothing more.

    What a sad sad sausage you must be
    (though, lets face it, you lived in my house for free)
    To require such a display of pity.

    If only she’d reserved some of her ’empathy’
    for our kids, and me. Kibble-dee dee.

  • There once was a narcissist named Ben
    Who thought he was a perfect ten
    While deep in affair fog
    He abandoned me and the dog
    Never to be heard from again

  • Nine years you fooled me and I was led,
    Five years in therapy, and you still fucked with my head,
    I’ve been gaslit and used,
    With PTSD from your abuse,
    I find myself waiting to hear that you’re dead.

  • There once was a man named Peter,
    He turned out to be a serial cheater.
    I found steel handcuffs in a hidden drawer,
    The likes of those, I had NEVER seen before.
    Took them and cuffed them to a parking meter.

    Oh steel mystery,
    Too much for the meter maid.
    Call the buff fireman for help.

    (That’s a true story, by the way, about my ex and what I did with those hand cuffs).

  • There once was a husband called Gary
    Who on his way home would tarry
    He’d phone his old love from 27 years
    So she could talk dirty in his ears
    He’d pay ho a visit, lying to his wife
    Doing the dirty, causing such strife

    He text his loving wife by mistake
    The hurt so deep, her heart did ache
    Finally he was caught, like a rat in a trap
    Enough is enough, the chump did snap

    So off he ran, his youth to regain
    Found out at 64 it’s not quite the same
    He’s almost a pensioner, never was a stud
    It’s all in his head, he’s just a DUD

  • There once was an old man with a beard
    To the river he’d go for some weird
    Told me he was fishing
    But men he was kissing
    Turns out it’s as bad as I feared

  • My cheating ex spouse is a failure
    He also has small genitalia
    His wee willy winky
    Is the size of my pinky
    But his ego could stretch to Australia

  • There was a young narc called Nicky
    Who was partial to lots of strange dicky
    She layed on her back
    Opened her crack
    And invited in the whole city

  • With my wife I’ve decided to part
    Her new life with the affair partner can start
    His body quite fat
    Face of a mole rat
    And not much more charm than a shart

    Oh her life with us was so bad
    Only his “love” could make her feel glad
    Kids and I were chopped liver
    He was such a giver
    But only of STD’s that he had

    Spending time with the kids is a chore
    When you have become a gross cheating whore
    He is her cousins fat ex
    Sloppy seconds at best
    And she isn’t worth anything more

  • I don’t mean to go off on a rant
    But his attractiveness is not even scant
    Dumb, fat, and smelly,
    An oversized belly
    Teeth match the color of stain in his pants

    (Harry Potter inspired)
    It seems as though our marriage is through
    As you were caught fucking Peter Petigrew
    Wanted the divorce to be faster
    To move in with rat bastard
    Bitch, Doloris Umbridge has got nothing on you

    My wife had me so beguiled
    I was shocked she was being defiled
    Kept her affair hid
    Screwed him while I watched our kids
    Rather cut off my manhood than reconcile

  • (I decided to add a second verse to my Perel-themed limerick, commented higher up)

    “He’s captive,” or so says Perel
    A liar? A cheat? “That’s no smell.”
    If cheating’s so fresh
    Why am I out of breath?
    I’ll pass on her noxious cartel.

    He’s evolved, not a leech, so claims Esther
    Sophisto, not a vain empty nester
    If he’s merely blooming
    Why am I always fuming?
    Methinks lucid views rather best her

    • PER-haps CL’s new site needs a category dedicated to debunking Esther? So ashamed to admit I was briefly chumped by her! Great poems

      • That would be a fantastic CN resource! I wish she weren’t as pervasive and seemingly persuasive as she is, but I like to think the shame lies with those who try to swindle us for their own gain, not the other way around.

  • My limerick

    There once was a silly young Tart,
    Her butt-wiggling was an Art,
    She wobbled and twerked,
    And bingo! It worked!
    She picked up my ex: the Fart!

  • Sparkly turd on the toilet bowl
    “Where art thou?”said whore with a hairy mole
    Sparkly Turd replied
    “I’m just wanking my 2 inch pride”
    And this is their dreamy love in a whole

  • Jeff never wanted sex with me
    Who would think he’d cheat on me?
    I’d try and try
    Stay fit for him and ask why
    But he left inexplicably for Emily

    Now please don’t feel bad for me
    It took time but I came around you see
    She won no great prize
    Just a narcissist in disguise
    And now I’m with a guy who is into me 😉

  • This really is too much fun!

    There once was a louse from Maine,
    Always looking for someone to blame:
    “I don’t know, she was easy!”
    Just as well, they’re both sleazy,
    Lacking heart and brains to feel shame.
    ——
    Comforter comfort
    Bed hogs are worse than bed bugs
    We now sleep like queens
    ——
    When will I come down?
    Healium not hopium
    Still floating but safe

  • Spouse stopped wearing his/her wedding ring
    Then you discovered evidence of a fling
    You’ve been bestowed the title of “chump”
    But be glad your trash has taken itself to the dump
    One day your walls are going to sing!

  • If you’re seeking some extramarital head
    It’s very poor form to use your marital bed
    Family portraits should not be hanging
    In view of the OW (or OM) who you’re banging
    Use an hourly rate “No Tell Motel” instead!

  • OOPS…change the word “extramarital” in the first line to “adulterous” instead (too similar to “marital” in line two):

    “If you’re seeking some adulterous head…”

  • Lying tongue that swings like a door hinge
    Infidelities that make politicians cringe
    “Oh, but someday he’ll change!”
    Better luck curing mange
    Or finding words to rhyme with an orange!

  • You were my cake with a turd in it,
    You were a soup with shattered glass
    Swallowed that food for fifteen years
    And wondered why the hurt stomach

  • Late to the party but here goes (this will make most sense to the Catholics of Chump Nation:

    I left him while he was in France
    Divorced him with no pick-me dance.
    My kids tell me today
    He’s bi – well okay –
    To the annulment tribunal I prance.

    FMD. Ya couldn’t make this stuff up.

  • A sexy “Proverbs 31” wife forlorn,
    Her husband in love with his porn,
    One day she woke up,
    Drove away with her pup,
    And now she has been reborn!

  • He suddenly had to go to the gym
    Wore better clothes, whitened teeth. Got slim
    He’s a mid-life cliche
    Left for his coworker but hey
    Now his child will never respect him

  • Cheater Valentine? Return to sender!

    Nice Guy image my cheater did foster,
    Silly me, that man was an imposter,
    Every boring cliché,
    He enacts on his prey,
    CL, add a new chump to your roster!

    The consummate, sorry pretender,
    Mr. Nice Guy’s a repeat offender
    No, the choice isn’t fair
    Yet the fates, they don’t care
    Stay with him, put my life in a blender.

    One day, he’s in tears that he crossed her,
    Then the next, about face and he tossed her
    Rinse and repeat,
    An impossible feat
    Many years will this cruel cycle cost her.

    Real men don’t gaslight and groom,
    Nor prey upon young women in bloom,
    “You can’t forgive!” cheaters cry.
    Want the truth? “Chump, you pry.”
    Exhausting to be the only adult in the room.

    Though he might claim that he’s your protector,
    The truth – cheaters are true love deflectors.
    Sad sausage? Don’t buy it!
    Start a No Contact diet
    Cut your losses, avoid RIC sector.

    Plain to see he’s a lie and a cheat,
    So then why should I slump in defeat?
    Lift head out of the fog,
    Accept prince is a frog,
    Leave a cheater, gain a life – quite a feat!

  • Sad sausage has a double life.
    Many girlfriends and a wife
    Until a secret email
    Revealed all the she tail
    And now he’s free to single strive

    Yo bury the lead here. I was on awhile ago because of husband and friends boot knocking. Turns out that was the tip of the dirty -berg

    • The “other woman” didn’t know she was the other woman. Until she caught him in one lie which made her suspicious, and then she did some internet sleuthing – she used real estate records that showed we both owned the house. He wasn’t divorced and I wasn’t living elsewhere, as he claimed. She didn’t email or phone, she came to my door when he was out of town. With a box of chocolates to soften the blow.

      You can’t make this shit up!

  • A co-worker you totally fucked
    I now understand that u suck
    Out the door did your shit go
    So you could be with the ho
    And my life is truly merry

  • A family man is what you vowed
    You’d be forever, but such a lie— Wow!
    You’re buying a ‘Vette and growing your hair
    You hired some escorts and had an affair
    I made you do it with my boring old ways
    I’m the Ultimate Chump for the rest of my days

  • A homewrecking student called Vik
    She serviced a married mans dick
    Unfortunately petal seems you wasn’t that special
    He’s had several men sharing that prick.

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