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What Are You Throwing on the Virtual Bonfire?

fireToday’s Friday post idea comes from Mr. CL, a Texan. As everyone is suffering in Texas (and across large swathes of the US) now from an arctic cold snap, we need ideas on how to stay warm.

Time for the virtual bonfire!

Huddle together and tell CN what you’d like to get rid of and how does it burn? (No throwing cheaters or Schmoopies on the pyre. This is a blog, not Salem, Massachusetts.)

Kindling could include an old sweatshirt with bad juju. His mortifying collection of commemorative Norman Rockwell plates. A metric ton of insincere greeting cards. The shared bed linens.

Into the flames it goes!

Who’s bringing the marshmallows?

TGIF!

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • I threw my former checks that were joint into the wood burning stove that I have at my brand new house. My crumpled each one up and they became kindling.

    Separating from the bank that we used to bank at was a big thing. I knew those people. But I no longer wanted to bank at the same bank with him.

    Detaching is sort of like splitting wood. You put the wedge in and you hit it but it doesn’t split the log in one hit if you hit like I do. You hit it and it separates a little. Then you hit it again and you drive the wedge a little bit further and you separate a little further. Eventually you have two separate logs.

    After 24 years of marriage it took a lot to divide his life from mine. Changing my name, my address, my phone number, my email address. Shesh, changing my Google address was difficult.

    But it reminds me of that old joke, how do you eat an elephant? Answer: one bite at a time.

    • Muthachunper, I’m keeping your joke in mind. The perfect analogy for divorce, I’ll keep nibbling away on that elephant.

      I’ve split wood. Never had the luxury of a hydraulic log splitter. Sometimes you think you need a bigger wedge and a heavier sledgehammer., the hydraulic splitter. But if you keep whacking away with what you have sooner or later that log will split. Another perfect analogy for divorce, thank you!

    • MC, I relate to soooo much of this! I no longer eat at some places because the staff knew us so well. When I decided to take myself out to eat, after kicking him out and filing, they asked why he wasn’t with me. OUCH. I figured out how to make any FB memories that include him not come up.

      I would like to add to the fire the cruel silence and criticism of my body and appearance. I threw away the wedding dress or I would have pitched it on too.

      • Bah my ex keeps coming up on my apple widgets since my duaghter updated the OS. I think the suggestions online were to delete any pictures you don’t want showng up. So I guess Ill go through my thousands of photos and throw them on the fire.

        • I just delete off my Facebook as they come around in my timeline on the anniversaries I posted them. Makes it easier. Now, 4 years out, they hardly come up anymoreZ

  • The wedding album and my wedding rings! I’d love to get rid of them but somehow feel obligated to keep them for my son. Would love to see it all burn. 🔥

    • Aiming, there are boxes of photos at the very back of my closet. My adult sons asked me to keep the photos. I think I’m going to ask them to get them out of the house. Those photos can be in their homes.

      My wedding ring is haunting my jewelry box. I’m ready to let that go. As soon as I can afford it I’m having it recast into something else. I’ll wear that as a symbol of how I’m recast into a new creature.

      But for now practicality and financial constraints keep that ring lurking like a bad memory.

      • I donated mine. When I was a young mom and even in this marriage when I was a not so young mom, we had hard times in the salvation army would give gifts to the kids for Christmas when we couldn’t pay for them.

        When I decided it was time to get rid of my ring I donated it to the salvation army. The wedding band and the diamond. It was a spur of the moment thing but I’m very glad that I did.

        • I sold my rings to a pawn shop and received a good price for them. Photos were destroyed long ago.
          X left a lot of crap behind. It is all gone now, mostly trashed, but some of it I sold. I believed that keeping any of it was bad juju.
          I don’t really have anything for the fire, so I will just eat marshmallows.

          • I sold my wedding rings to help pay the lawyer’s fees (4 solid years in court). I eventually won the house for the kids and I (after X tried filed numerous motions to have it sold).

            After the home was ours, I dug and built a fire pit in the backyard and burned all extraneous files related to the divorce. When I come upon any other X related items like into the flames they go! So freeing and satisfying 😉

            • *after X filed
              * X related files into the flames
              (excuse the errors!)
              also, I live in the country so I can have a fire pit

            • I still have every piece if paper related to my divorce. Over kill, I know. But he took me back to court and mediation so many times, and I won every time due to all my fastidious paperwork and documentation. So now, 15 years later, kids long grown, I’m still afraid to part with it. Plus, my daughter never wanted to know anything, and shes still close to the first step mom, who caused so much trouble, and I’m hopefull she looks through it ssome day when I’m dead.

      • 33YAC,

        I gave my wedding ring to my eldest daughter, and she wears it on a chain around her neck; but not for the reasons you might think. She uses it to fend off unwanted attention if she feels the need, but it also means that she always has something of value on her should she need it.

        She knows that if she ever needs money to get out of a tight spot, then she can sell it in a heartbeat and not need to think twice; no permission needed from me, as it carries no meaning for me now.

        LFTT

      • Sell that ring & use the money for a new piece of jewelry. Even if the ring is recast it’s still the same piece of metal from the betrayer. I cried at the jewelry store when I sold both of our wedding rings. I think I used to money to pay bills. There was a few months gap from when ex walked out & the court ordered support.

        • I gave my engagement ring ( 1c diamond) to my son and him and his wife had it reset into a beautiful ring. The diamond is now in a good happy place!

      • I changed the centre stone from a round diamond to a pear shaped ruby. I consider it symbolic of the warrior I had to become to get out. I always loved that ring so it’s fully my ring now.

      • 33yrs, LOVE your idea of having your ring recast as something else, to remind yourself of how you’re becoming a new creation. Love that. Beautiful.

        About a week before life as I knew it blew apart, the AP (someone I considered a close friend) gifted me a t-shirt printed with Fred Rogers’ image and the words “good vibes”. Pffffft. The night I found out she’d been boinking my husband for a year-and-a-half, it was the first thing I tossed to the flames. Aside from being dumbstruck at their affair, I was furious she had nearly tainted Mr Rogers for me.

        How about Instagram? Can we burn down social media in general? ugh.

    • I’ve kept my wedding album for my son as well.

      But the rings… I sold them and took my son on a vacation! #liberating

    • I sold my rings and took all the girlfriends who supported me through the divorce out for cocktails! Donated the rest of the $ to a domestic violence charity.

    • I shredded all the wedding photos with him in them and then lined the cat box. I kept the ones of family members who attended.

    • Oh the photo book! My x insisted we do a photo shoot as a family and have a book made as a memory. I found a photographer on Craigslist who would do the photos for free and we just pay her to make a book, she needed the experience.

      The day came when she came over to take the photos. She started around the house and took pics inside and out of my kids and then my x comes out of the bedroom and his friends come over and he goes- bye! I’m off to play disc golf! What? You wanted this! And you’re leaving when she gets here? She took one picture of him. It was him with his buddies with their disc golf bags. It was the last page in the book when I got the book.

      I grinned and beared it through her taking pictures of me and the kids, and I wanted to break down crying. I looked so sad in those pictures and my kids look miserable.

      I burned that sucker.

  • I’m throwing over three decades of emotional abuse onto that Chump Nation bonfire. I imagine the rest of you are worried I’ve smothered the fire. Don’t worry it will be alright. The smoke is thick, my eyes are watering and right there near the edge there is a flame. Then with a whomp and an explosion of sparks that bonfire shoots flames into the sky. Turns out gaslighting, stonewalling, sexual withholding are highly flammable. I’m sitting right here with Chump Nation watching all those years burn to ashes.

    I brought everyone a hand stitched Irish linen hanky to wipe our tears. There is Berkey Water if we get dehydrated. After we all burn away the hurt I’m sending you all home with a Map to Meh, your own copy of LACGAL.

    • Beautifully said, Thirtythreeyyearsachump. I could hear, see and almost feel that fire you created. Also, I think its the first time I’ve seen sexual withholding mentioned anywhere. Mine did that too, along with emotional withdrawal and refusal to to do anything together. He said it was to protect himself. I thought it was to cover up his erectile dysfunction, but it could have been intended as deprivation.
      Thanks for the hanky and the water. I hope the smoke from all the gaslighting clears away soon so I can follow the map to Meh.

      • Good Friend, sexual withholding is so cruel. I’m sorry that happened to you. I assure you it has nothing to do with your appeal or desirability. Sexual withholding is a way to gain power and control in a relationship. It is a mind fuck.

        I thought it was me. It wasn’t. The smoke will clear and you will find your way. Consult the Map and stand strong!

      • Cheater-Ex was a pro at the sexual withholding thing for years along with a side of undisclosed porn/hooker addiction for good measure! After a while, his ‘equipment’ didn’t even work and it was my fault of course.

        I wish the withholding scenario had been talked about more openly back when I was dealing with my ex-it was making me crazy, angry, depressed, etc. Maybe if I had known, I could have walked away much sooner than I did.

      • Another Chump who suffered from sexual withholding — he said it was because “your stomach sticks out further than your tits.” (A side effect of my breast cancer treatment — they removed over a liter of breast tissue).

        Schmoopie’s stomach was bigger than mine, her breasts were smaller and she hadn’t had breast cancer. So I guess my body wasn’t the turnoff. Or maybe it’s just that cake is the better turn on.

      • Nitwit withheld sex from me too. He’s only 30 and doesn’t drink, so I doubt ED was a problem in his case. I think he did it just to be cruel and to undermine my self-esteem. He frequently told me I was too skinny and ugly for him to manage it. He also told me “You’ll never get over me.” Gee, I wonder what part of our life together I’m supposed to be missing?

    • I experienced sexual withholding as well. He blamed me by saying I was manipulative (talk about projection) so he didn’t want to have sex with me. All the while, he was leading a double life and getting it from someone almost 20 years older than me. Doesn’t make much sense but then again, nothing about him did.
      But, that’s all behind me now. I found out about the affair and so did the other woman and he’s now living in his mom’s basement. It’s been almost a year now of learning about narcissism and being able to put into words what I experienced. It’s been so helpful to hear stories from others, feel validated in my pain and just not feel so alone.

      • I got the sexual withholding too. He literally told e he knows it was important to me but he was done with it.And he lied to the counselor about it and said I turned him down twice so he quit trying. That’s a big lie. So when I asked for time with him, he did not have any for me. Too busy with school he said.
        I can’t believe how many there have gone through what I have. It does make it a bit easier when people can relate. Yet the pain is still there.

        • Same here…
          Withholding sex is even more damaging for women, since the perception is- that men want it all the time( lie, I know, but still)
          So when a husband is NOT interested or do some mindfuckery of intermittent interest ( or talking about it yet doing nothing) it leaves woman doubting herself, looking for a fault, getting depressed etc
          It’s a whole new crazy game out there….
          Add to it a lot of insecurity and his problems getting it up ( of course- it was my fault since I wasn’t attractive enough etc) and it’s a 👎

          Now, the fog is gone.

          There is nothing wrong with me- there was nothing wrong with my 20’ something self- nice figure, smiling face and a big blue eyes.
          There is nothing wrong with my 45 years old- with a set of wrinkles, stretch marks (2 kids)and a 10lbs that are on / off.
          I was perfectly imperfect back then, I’m perfectly desirable now.

          I just wasted 15 years of thinking otherwise- ladies- don’t waste your time.
          It’s never you- regardless of what they say/ we are fine just the way we are.

          • His rejection of me was in the last few months before Dday, not altogether but sporadic. It was weird.

            However, I was growing more and more scared and depressed throughout the last year. I didn’t realize until much later that the reason for my depression and fear was the way he was slowly detaching and building up to the discard.

            In hindsight that is why I believe that it is next to impossible for any marriage to be good after that treatment. How do you get past that and feel good about someone again?

            I think the only marriages that can be saved are those where a ONS has taken place, and the perp shows huge sorrow and remorse, and does his/her very best to fix their own mess. So only unicorns.

          • “Withholding sex is even more damaging for women, since the perception is that men want it all the time(lie, I know, but still). So when a husband is NOT interested or do some mindfuckery of intermittent interest (or talking about it yet doing nothing) it leaves woman doubting herself, looking for a fault, getting depressed etc. It’s a whole new crazy game out there…” YEP. Same here. Add another to the list of wives whose husbands had “low sex drive”. It is a whole other level of mindfuckery, when you grow up in a culture and with a mother who tell you to prepare for husband wanting sex ALL the time. He won’t be able to keep his hands off you!!! Then you marry – and his “low sex drive” has MESSED WITH MY HEAD. I actually felt our sex drives were fairly well-matched in the beginning (first ten years of marriage), but as time went on (most recent ten years of marriage) I felt like I wanted sex more and he wanted it less.

            It was normalizing to meet a few other women – we were all in our early 30s then and married with our firstborn children – who shared that their husbands wanted sex so little as well (one of those men was masturbating to porn, another has since had an affair). It was confounding to all of us. One day one of these women said she wondered if her husband might be gay bc of his lack of sex initiative – confessed she had asked him this more than once – and I almost screamed with glee to know I wasn’t the only one. For years I wondered if husband might be a closet gay. We would still have sex once every month, or every other, or every few, but I was typically the initiator. Then the sex stopped. During the summer a few years back I approached him and – ahem – his soldier couldn’t stand at attention. Just laid there, all floppy. It happened again a few weeks later. I was mortified. And it seemed he was embarrassed too. Instead of initiating sex anymore (bc I didn’t want him to feel humiliated, poor thing – UGH), I pled with him to visit a urologist, to get things checked out. I also figured he was overcommitted (he was) and was asking him to scale back on some of his work/church/community commitments (he didn’t). But he never made an appt w the urologist. Duh. It all makes sense now. I was giving him the benefit of the doubt while he was fucking my friend in her husband’s hot tub. The penis-meter was reporting all along. But of course my brain couldn’t – wouldn’t – consider him having an affair. My husband may not have felt guilty about his behavior…but I like to think his dick did.

        • Bought a new king size bed to “improve” a nonexistent sex life;he would practically fall off his side to get away.
          Constant rejection and then masturbating in the shower.
          Such cruelty.

      • >>Doesn’t make much sense but then again, nothing about him did.

        This discussion of sexual withholding reminds me of Don Hennessy, the Irish advocate for a different approach towards stopping domestic violence. Hennessy has this theory that DV is rooted in a need for sexual dominance and control. The way to stop abusers is similar to the way to stop sexual predators such as child molesters. Abusers use similar techniques such as grooming & brain washing. DV women recover faster when they get help freeing her mind from his mental control. I recommend his books for anyone wanting to understand the sexual angle and also clear their heads better from the mindf**k. The stories on this site are astonishing and might support Hennessy’s ideas.

        • I also found Hennessey’s theories really interesting and useful! They applied to my cheater in the sense that mine cheated to secretly assert dominance (in his own head at least) over women he should otherwise have admired/looked up to/reported to at work/respected as equals or more…He also said that as a teenager he was teased by girls, and ignored by the ones who looked like me, and I think the cheating was an adolescent revenge for that too. Hennessey’s book also shed light on my own family of origin issues, as my father is from that culture and continually disrespected and sabotaged my mother. I have come to the conclusion that past and ongoing mistreatment from him towards her and me and my siblings, primed me for abuse from other men. After an outstandingly bad spate of verbal abuse and sabotage from my father about a year ago, I refused to see or speak with him any more. I have worked hard to clear decades of fog from my head since then, definitely hampered by the pandemic, but doing the best I can. On this bonfire, I throw all the expectations and hopes of his ever providing his side of any close and non-sabotaging relationship with me in future. I will trust that giving up those last hopes of his changing, will free up my energy and thoughts to support my own achievements and goals.

          • >>On this bonfire, I throw all the expectations and hopes of his ever providing his side of any close and non-sabotaging relationship with me in future.

            Good for you. Tough thing to do. I’m not sure whether this referred to your father or the cheater, but both are tough. I had to kill all hopes of understanding from my parents (whose character defects shaped my bad relationship experiences). I relate to your story very much.

            • Thank you for that support! The recent giving up of positive expectations and hope referred to my relationship with my father. I am sorry you had to go through that kind of loss regarding your parents too!

    • I got the sexual withholding too… after catching him for the upteenth time sending emails to personal ads and Craigslist hookers and phone records confirming appointments, etc… I asked that he get STD checked and that he wear a condom for six months. I even bought the condoms for him. HE REFUSED… said wearing a condom would be admitting guilt and he didn’t do anything wrong. There’s the naugahyde remorse we so often talk about here. I HAD PROOF and all he had was deniability and pride and entitlement and there went our sex life. (Yes, I was later blamed for it during the Discard.)

      • Wow. Me too. I wish I knew sexual withholding was such a thing with some men (women too – but somehow that’s more expected). I was made to feel bad about myself. So much power for him… he never wanted to. Then he cheats with a coworker and leaves. What a crock of sh**. Right before he left (before I knew anything) he basically raped me one night. It was confusing and horrifying. It’s one of the pieces that helped me figure things out. Freaking monsters.

        Into the fire? Honestly, I need a new mattress. And I would have loved to toss all of his beloved baseball cards into an incinerator.

        I still need to sell my rings. Not keeping them, but never got around to selling.

        • Mine only withheld sex in the end (months leading up to D-day). One time he said he was bothered by his hemorrhoids. Another time, he said he was too tired. This from the man who complained that I never initiated sex. I did, dammit. He gaslighted reflexively.

          He was saving himself for the damn AP. Maybe he felt he was cheating on her when he had sex with me, which is its own kind of weird logic. Who the hell knows!! So effed up and abusive.

          I don’t miss that shit show one bit. I’m pissed about how it happened (the pain of betrayal hurts like a Mofo, as well all know), but, boy, I’m glad to be FW free!!!

          • Yep, in my case he started rejecting me, about two months before4 Dday. Before4 that, I think he was enjoying the excitement of duping two women. Of course he was enjoying the sneaking around and hiding it from me. And I suspect he had told the whore he wasn’t doing anything with me. We both believed it. Lol.

            He started screwing around on her almost immediately per my daughter in law. Gotta get the thrill somehow.

        • Narcissists are notorious for withholding sex! It’s a control thing to make you feel less than…of course it can go in the other direction as well. Wanting sex all the time and demanding to have sex when you have other plans, all to screw up the plans.

          • My h withheld sex too. I know it’s off topic but I’m so glad to hear it’s not just me. He blamed me so much for our lack of sex but honestly he was never around when we could have sex. He came to bed late, then sat on his iPad, slept in, etc. I spent 25 years just thinking he had a low sex drive. He talked about sex a lot but would hardly do it. It was bizarre and frustrating as hell. It made me feel unwanted and ugly.

            In terms of burning, I’d like to get a good price for my wedding ring so I’m checking around on that. I’ve burned letters and photos. I shredded his wedding suit with a knife- that felt great! I’ve smashed some things. I’d like to burn his sexual withholding, his breadcrumbs of attention and if I threw his gaslighting on there it would probably blow up the entire planet so maybe I’ll just slowly release that out into the air instead!

            • OMG Formerly known as, with the sex withholding it was the same here, never available, on his computer reading books in the bathroom for hours before we had a computer and always it was his low sex drive he said. In the end it was my fault of course.

              I’d also like to add to the bonfire, my trust and understanding of all his anger towards me for who knows what reason.

            • Yep—mine kept himself so busy with work, and when he was at home he was always occupied, often online. Always busy. And then blameshifted on his way out the door that I had been neglecting him for years.

          • Yes! Thank you for that; I’ve always felt it was a “control thing”, so I’m glad to hear someone else say it.
            My XW would withhold/avoid sex repeatedly and then accuse me of never initiating! I’d look at her like she had 3 eyes…”huh?!” I eventually got tired of being rejected so, yeah, I guess she was right, I stopped initiating at some point. Eventually I said, “Listen, I’m always ready; I’ve never said ‘no’, so you let me know when YOU are ready”. Nothing changed.
            Again, I think it was about control.

        • I sold his ring, my ring and my engagement ring for gold value (it paid for the new chain) but kept the diamond. The kids added more diamonds and made a beautiful necklace for me for last Mother’s Day. The diamond is tough, like me, and been thru fire. And we have fashioned the rings into something completely new like we have fashioned new lives.

        • Thanks to all who responded about sexual withholding. And rape. What a horrible betrayal and assault by your spouse. I suspect you wrote “basically raped” because you’re unsure how to define what happened or reluctant to acknowledge that your husband raped you, especially if you did not fight back physically. Whether you did or not, physical resistance is not required to define his actions as rape. Forced sex constitutes rape whether he coerced you or used physical force or other means. Consensual intimacy does not leave you shocked and horrified. I’m so sorry. We can’t give you hugs, but you can warm yourself by the bonfire.

          • Goodfriend – After so much his withholding of sex (I endured years of it… I used to count how many times I’d get my period before he’d “let us”… I was always the initiator)… **** trigger warning – rape (I think I should have said this on the last one too) ****
            Right before DDay, he woke me in the middle of the night — 1am? I don’t remember. He didn’t ask. He just started doing. I was confused. I was tired. I tried to talk to him. He wouldn’t talk. I went ahead with it. I didn’t fight or say no. But I knew it wasn’t right. I knew in my heart it was rape. So much so that I tried to talk to him about it in the morning. I asked him why he suddenly wanted to. And he wouldn’t answer. And I let him know it felt like he had raped me. And he said nothing. Soon after all the pieces came together. I’m the one that figured it out and confronted him. But that night still haunts me. He also started binging like a maniac on every meal I’d make too (something he’d never done before). It was like he was taking everything he could from me … one last time… before latching on to his next host. Repulsive narcissistic creepos. Goodbye asshole FW – so glad to be free of that prick

            • I’m so sorry MichelleShocked. That is so traumatizing and creepy. My x was into S&M (not with me). As he started confessing to some of what he’d been up to, it turns out that he liked degrading women by taking away their control during sex. I won’t go into the gory details, but suffice to say to it WAY behind fuzz handcuffs and a bit of spanking. He would never let me into his S&M world, but then blamed me for not wanting it. In an nutshell, he wanted me to to WANT to be raped, and nothing else would do. He blamed me for being too vanilla so he HAD to go find women who would be his sex slaves. I feel so gross that this man shared my bed. It’s even grosser that he withheld sex from me, and blamed me for not wanting to feel degraded. There was no love in him, and when the mask came off, he was someone I didn’t recognize.

              • Thank you FormerlyKnownAs. I’m sorry for what you dealt with too. Horriible.

                You really encapsulated my ex FW too with: “There was no love in him, and when the mask came off, he was someone I didn’t recognize.” You hit the nail on the head.

                I’m thankful for this group. No one else could possibly understand the level of crazy we’ve all dealt with.

            • MS, I suffered from the sexual withholding for many years too. I thought he had a low sex drive.

              I find the binging point interesting. I had never seen the ex shovel down food the way he did during the discard. He had always been a fastidious eater. He became this greedy, messy, gorging creature. ‘Gorging’ is the right word for it. I’ve never seen this aspect of cheating behaviour mentioned before, so ‘thank you’. I thought I was going mad when I noticed it.

              • MightyWarrior,

                It’s amazing how there’s so many similarities with these guys. I also thought my ex FW had a low sex drive. It’s all so confusing. And no one else understands so you think it’s just you. It’s hard being in their bizarro world vaccuum. So happy to be out! We have a strange sisterhood but I really appreciate that you posted. Thank you too.

          • Yes. Also compliance is a perfectly normal part of the ‘freeze response’. Our most ancient human reaction to fear.
            Sending so many hugs to all survivors x

    • 33years… let me bring the chocolate and some great books to read. In Meh I’ve learned to love both again.

      • Motherchunper99, my idea of a perfect time is sitting around a bonfire, eating chocolate and reading. I’m so glad you’ve rediscovered your love of reading and chocolate.

    • The other irony of sexual withholding is that THEY ARE HAVING SEX with other people, just not with us. Mr. Sparkles was “being faithful” to the OW and enjoying sex with her and making me feel like shit… it’s a win-win for these fuckwits.

      And though the OW dumped him (‘cuz he was cheating on her)… he moved right on to a new GF who is happily keeping her head in the sand.

      I miss physical intimacy, but I don’t miss it with a cheater because it was nothing more than a performance for them and their ego, it was never about love or intimacy.

      • During the last 6 months before discard, my (then) wife would take nightly 2-3 hour baths to avoid being intimate with me. I’d eventually fall asleep alone in bed. If, by chance, I was still awake when she eventually came to bed, she’d say she was “too tired” or simply “good night” (without a kiss) roll over and go to sleep. And more than once, I’d suggest taking a bath with her, but those suggestions were always rebuffed. Looking back, her treatment of me was mentally and emotionally corrosive. And I was such a Chump, as I eventually realized her lengthy baths were sexting sessions with Sergeant Sugardick.

    • Yes, the sexual withholding. Never experienced that in my life and it was incredibly painful. The excuses were varied and often he would preemptively tell me when were dating that he couldn’t “stay over.” It was so confusing. He was saving himself for hookers and webcam girls. I tried like a fool to be sexier to get him interested.

      • Mr. Sparkles didn’t kiss me for the first two weeks we were dating, but from there it went from zero to “settle down sailor” in a very short amount of time. THAT should have been my first red flag, but instead I saw it as “charming”… face palm. He was testing my boundaries and his ability to be in control. The abuse in our 11 year relationship actually began on the first date.

        • Yep, me too. Mine talked about sex all the time, and had a well-developed sexual philosophy. He was schooled in queer theory and French feminism so I thought he was just way above my pay grade in terms of understanding sex. But, he wouldn’t actually do it with me…read my comments above though. He was just into things that he wouldn’t do with me. I still wonder why in the hell guys like this get married when they don’t want sex with you. It’s supposedly one of the benefits of marriage!!

  • I’d say the god awful unnecessarily huge amount of toys and action figures he collected (I tripped over boxes of them at night) but I don’t think plastic burns well.

    • Sell that man child plastic shit, Kara. Then just bring your lovely self to the Bonfire. You might find a bad memory or a trigger to throw on the fire. I just remembered him telling me repeatedly how I was going to like his new employee. I’m tossing that on the flames.

      P.S. I did not like that little man poaching fake christian author of erotica.

  • I his cigarettes. That I had a smell for decade that made me sick. But he refused to smoke outside. I would throw throw in and burnt his cell phone. The phone that he used to secretly make dates with skankella. I would burn his 1970 Dodge Dart that he restored with some of my money. He sold the Dart and stashed the cash in his parents safe. I would burn the decades of verbal abuse.
    I did throw my marriage licence into the pellet stove.

  • My wedding album. Two days before the wedding he cheated on me with the stripper, then had no problem, in front of family and friends to promise to be faithful blah blah blah

  • Our only frame with pictures from a vacation that we put up on a wall and that was unpleasant to put together, of course, because he wanted to lead and direct how to do it.

    It kept making mold on the wall, so I had to toss it out and now it’s literally outside my house, waiting to be put out of its misery. Would do well in a bonfire!

  • I didn’t put it in a bonfire, but I did toss them. My ex was a riverboat pilot, doing party cruises. It was a paddle wheeler, so kind of cool. The OW was a photographer for the local paper, and met him doing photographs of the captains for a big event in our city. After I found out about the affair, I was down on the river doing a boat ride with him. There were bunks behind the pilot house. Their own little love nest. I can’t believe he left all the dirty sheets, candles and mess for me to toss in the river. He did and so did I.

  • I repainted the entire house…myself, redecorated, got new bed linens, bought a new mattress. He asked me why I wanted him to get his pictures off of the wall so fast. Told him I needed to make the house my own. While I didn’t actually burn anything, I tried to get rid of things they were part of my 23 year marriage. I did save my wedding album and family vacay pics for my kids. I put them in the back of a closet. My wedding rings and anniversary band are in my jewelry box. I’ll get them made into something for my daughter one day but I want the bad jujutsu wear off first lmao!

    • I’m with you. So many ugly window treatments and wall colors he insisted on. Blech. The room that he made into his office was snot color. He has no sense of taste at all. I resisted suggesting we replace the carpet because I was afraid what he would pick to replace it. I was never allowed to make the house look how I wanted it. He had to control everything. I can’t wait for him to leave so I can refresh!

  • After my 2nd D day, 5 months ago, I started a massive decluttering and threw away so many things I could use to stoke that fire… my shredded marriage license, valentine’s day cards since the 1st D-day (ones before are long gone), and a small wooden box he made from driftwood found on the beach to apologize for 1st d-day (what a chump I am)! I would throw in my wedding ring, but plan to hock that rock. Happy Friday everyone, praying for better weather and the strength to leave!!!

  • I’m burning any remaining shred of respect, sympathy or pity that I might have once harboured for my Ex-Wife. She is a toxic and manipulative POS and deserves everything that she has coming her way.

    And, because I can, I see myself throwing it onto the steaming dumpster fire that is her life now. That sh*t burns long and gives off plenty of heat ….. but best stand upwind, as it stinks!

    LFTT

  • I went to Staples and printed out a stack of the ugly selfie the Craigslist Cockroach posted on her FB page and one of Benedict Arnold from his.

    I write whatever I wish I could do or say on it, with a big black angry crayon, and then I burn them in my fire pit, sending them to their front row seats in Hell.

    That’s maybe the one thing I can do that feels good, Mr. CL!

    • Hell to the yes, PL. Believe it or not, I lived on hopium for 26 years.

      Looking back, I can now see that he had little regard for me even from the time we first married. I assumed it was the newness of the union. He was a mean selfish jerk from the day after we married.

      I had ridiculously inflated hopes to the bitter end. (We were going to beat this challenge and give marriage seminars at Church!)

      About a month or so before he died, I was moping up the stairs at work, my spirit was beaten and bruised by his cruelty as usual…I was praying for him (as I did all the time) and finally said “God, if there is a place where he could be happy, then maybe he needs to go live there” I genuinely thought I was speaking of California, not The Great Beyond.

      With his death came the end of my hopium addiction. Now I have a more reality-based life.

      • Unicornomore – I lived on hopium for over 25 years myself. Several counselors, church seminars, books, films, classes—one day I was just so broken and tired as we were driving to meet yet another counselor about the X’s abusive behavior, I prayed “God, your will be done!” instead of my usual, “God save my marriage.” While at the counselor, the X flew into a rage when I mentioned his violence, the counselor quietly asked X to leave the room, then looked at me and told me I was married to an abuser and needed to leave. Wow! I knew this, but needed to hear it. I slowly started the process of building back my self-esteem, and after six more years and dday #3, I finally made it out. We all have our own way of dealing with these things and our own timeline, but in the end, hopefully we are safe, happy and can build a new life.

        • I wish that he had raged in one of our very few counseling sessions…it would have felt good for someone else to witness it…he normally kept his abuse well hidden from the outside world. The kids (I think) do remember it though.

          One Friday, he was SO AWFUL…he was so damn mean. I had gotten called into work (hospital) and needed to get ready quickly. He was in the bathroom near the door…I put my hand on the door to enter and he pushed his weight against it closing the door on my hand (on purpose, I think). I screamed and held my hand and cried and he screamed “See, I told you that we need a bigger house” (he wanted to go deep in debt for a house we could not afford.)

          I got in my car crushed once again from his cruelty and I SCREAMED at God….SCREAMED at Him….”WHY IS HE SO MEAN?”

          I learned of his affair within 48 hours. God answered me.

    • I love that you can make a little joke about it.

      We have all been there – whether it was for 1 day or multiple years or days here and there during discard/divorce we all had the thought “they are going to snap out of this and everything will be ok”.

      Im glad you put down the pipe

      • I do remember the “he will snap out of it phase”

        I honestly (in the beginning of Dday) remember thinking, he just needs to get her out of his system. How sad sack is that? That is how hurt, rejected scared and desperate I was.

        Luckily it was me who snapped out of it, and was able to start the breaking away process.

  • Oooo ooo. I love this Friday challenge!!

    I cannot tell you how much I LOVED selling all the damn fly fishing equipment. It was his passion/addiction (serious addiction). Heck, he used my not loving fly fishing enough (I became damn good at it, which was a waste, but, alas, I didn’t want to go to the river enough!) as a reason to give me the old heave-ho.

    Speaking of hos, she apparently loves the sport. Is it a sport?

    Anyway, off to the fishing store I went only months after the divorce papers were signed. You see, I didn’t want to share the proceeds with him. I could have made more $$ by selling the expensive flying-fishing shittata on Ebay, but I didn’t want the bother. Plus, the core dump felt oh so good. So many men in the shop expressed disbelief. “What are you doing?” Those poor dudes. Each became my ex. I hated all of them. Unfair, I know, but, hey…. Even the owner to whom I was unloading my ex (I mean, the fly fishing stuff) encouraged me to reconsider. “It’s such a shame. If ever you want to take it up again, I’d love to sell you a rod.” Phallic. Jesus.

    So that was my cleansing moment. Oh, and I just had my engagement diamond ring transformed into a pendant and studs. I repurposed something old into something that I like. I think it’s a metaphor for taking the old and moving on. Out with a crappy stud and in with a couple of truly sparkly ones.

    • Love it, Spinach! Like we’ve talked about before, your “fishing” was my “cycling,” and I really wish I had stuck to my guns and sold our tandem bicycle and just split the cash with my ex. But he argued (of course) that we wouldn’t “get what it was worth” and insisted on keeping it. I told him no, I wouldn’t allow him to ride it with his mistress (ah, just like with the “rod,” the metaphors, the metaphors….), but he said she wasn’t interested in the tandem and he’d just keep it in storage for the future. Liar. But I was so exhausted from arguing with him, I just gave up and let him take it. And for a while, I thought it would kill me if I saw him riding it around town with his whore–because believe it or not some of the best memories from our relationship were from trips we took on the tandem through France, Spain, the Sierra, etc. But now I don’t give a shit what he rides or where or with whom. Feels like progress toward Mehville.

      • Mehville!! Love it.

        Yeah. The same type of activity addiction.

        Oh, let those two ride away and get saddle sores together.

        (Seriously, I know the pain of the memories of good times engaged in an activity together. Heck, I admit that there were times I didn’t hate fly fishing. We went to beautiful places–Alaska, Belize, Canada. I get it! It truly sucks. It’s hard to tease out the good from the bad.

        Fuck these fucking fuckwits.

        Clearly, I haven’t arrived in Mehville yet. The tickets are somewhere around here.)

        • Yeah, it’s so interesting, isn’t it? There’s nothing wrong with fishing or cycling per se. Abusers are experts at sharpening good, healthy things that you do love or could love into just another knife to cut you with. Everything becomes a weapon in their hands.

          For me, it turns out I like cycling, and so I’ve taken it back by riding at my own pace (too slow!) for as far as I feel like (too short!) to places I want to go (too flat! Too boring!) But I know you don’t love fishing…so what have you done to reclaim and invest in the things that make Spinach happy?

  • The Endtable and the Piano.

    She gathered up and walked away with every she wanted (without objection from me) when the court order came in for to leave. She signed the agreement formalizing that she had no claim to anything she left in the house.

    She refused to help me dispose of the damaged 1978 piano she asked her mother for so our daughters could start music lessons: “I have no use for that,” “it’s yours to do with as you please,” “I feel no need to chip in to have it hauled away as junk” . . .

    BUT for two years, she hounded me for the supposedly “priceless family heirloom” endtable: “my dying mother is asking about it,” “you never liked it and have no use for it,” “I’m coming over TODAY at 3pm — please make sure it’s available for me to put in my car” . . .

    Both should burn nicely, along with her burning rage and sense of entitlement.

  • Damn, no fuckwits in the fire- that would be an awful stench.

    I can’t contribute this year bc I have already burned or disposed of everything I can but I have 4 or five file boxes of divorce paperwork and legal bills which I will happily contribute in about 2 years when he has fulfilled his legal obligations! So ready to have that out of my space!

  • I already got rid of any clothing and jewelry he gave me. But I am surely going to burn the book the marriage counselor gave me called making marriage simple. He refused to read it, talk about it, or do anything suggested to help our relationship. I’d throw all of his lap top computers on there too. That’s his whole life- online gaming and community college 20 somethings.

    • “That’s his whole life- online gaming and community college 20 somethings.”

      Wow, did we marry the same man-child?

  • I’d like to burn any pictures of him including our wedding albums since it was all a lie on his part, but I’ll give that stuff to our daughter. I don’t want any of it near me. I have some family pictures in my office and I got rid of any that included him.
    Oh and I’d like to burn all the Hopium I’ve had and all the pick me dancing and spackle I gave him over the last 30 years.

  • Although I highly reccommend the individual intensive, Ill throw on any book from Doug Weiss that’s focused on the cheater. I honestly believe the only reason any of them stay and face lie detector tests for x years is due to financial consequences. I have a pair of bespoke jeans my Texas ex ordered during affair with Schmoopie and while she was at the ordeirng party, to impress her. Theyre now at my sisters. . .my family offered to stuff them and make an effigy the first Chrismtas after D-Day with all of us gathered around to burn it. . hahaha. We didn’t but I’m so glad to be close enough to meh now that I honestly just don’t even care. I have no desire to destroy any of his stuff I might still have. I am holding onto the empty viagra bottles. . not sure why.

    • Once, he made me model (and then subsequently bought) a silk dress. Turns out he went back and bought exactly the same one, in the same size, (he never got female sizes) for Schmooperfreak. I always wondered how that turned out as I’m a UK size 8-10 and she (at a generous estimate) was around a 16. Anyhoo, that dress went to charity years ago, but I’ll happily toss its virtual memory on the flames. Happy Flamable Friday, everyone

  • An old desk.

    While we were (correction: While *I* was) busy trying to sell stuff on FB marketplace so that we could make some meager money that I split with my soon-to-be ex, he took an ax to his old desk. He didn’t try to sell it. He destroyed it with AN AX!!! And then he left boxes of shattered wood for ME TO DISPOSE OF.

    Now, I was shocked that he didn’t try to sell the desk, a bit freaked out about his going all Lizzy Borden on the desk (his desk), and pissed that I had to deal with the fallout. My sister and her husband tossed it in their firepit. While watching it all go up in smoke, we sat around and drank some wine.

    My entire marriage in a one-act play.

    p.s. I think he wanted me to fear him. At around the same time, he told me he wanted to buy a gun. WTF!!!

      • I love them, too! My sincerest hope for all chumps is that they have supportive family and/or friends.

        My God! My sister and her husband sat in my grief and kept me vertical. They knew when to burn the furniture remnants. They always have my back. (Ok, I’m tearing up writing this. I’m so lucky.)

  • I smashed the wine glasses and wine he had brought into our lives (Schmoopie was a wine snot). I couldn’t drink wine, and he knew it. He did the whole insufferable thing: smell the cork, pour some into the glass, look at the color, think of her.

    Then I took a scarf I was knitting for her, ripped it out, burned the skein. I remember burning other things as well, though can’t recall exactly what they were. I was kinda traumatized.

    I haven’t yet cut him out of the family trips we took with our daughter, and still struggle a bit with that. Even though HE was duplicitous, I was very real and present. I had a good time on those vacations, and enjoy the memory of sharing them with my child. For right now, the photos are put away. My intention, though, is to cut him out of them, so that I can look at them and not feel anger, but instead good memories. IF that will work. It may not. But at least I won’t have to look at his face.

    • The pretentious wine snob. The worst!!! I hope you enjoyed smashing those.

      My ex asked for our champagne glasses, the ones we got as wedding presents. I should have smashed them or “accidentally” knocked them over with an errant elbow (oops!), but I didn’t in part because I didn’t want him to wreck any of MY stuff. But I did spit in the four champagne glasses (and I found two others and kept them).

      Now, you might think he’ll just wash those glasses before drinking from them. NOPE!! He won’t. Lol. I know him.

      Anyway, I know it’s childish of me, but what the heck. A cheap thrill. A small bit of harmless revenge.

      • Champagne glasses are a trigger for me. Mine had some hobag at our home and she drank my champagne out of my champagne glass. I “accidentally” dropped it. I never wanted to drink out of that one again. I totally get why you did what you did, it is actually making me laugh, thank you for that!

    • My daughter has cut her dad out of the family photos in her room. It made me feel so sad for her, but she probably felt the way I did – he left the family so he doesn’t get to be in the photos.

      • Of the family photo albums, my adult daughter said, “He doesn’t deserve any of them.”

        Kids. They know. When I got all wobbly, they had a way of zeroing in on awful (but obvious) truths: “Mom, you were abused.” “Mom, he doesn’t love you.” “We don’t miss him at all.” No soft-peddling. Straight to the point.

        So I can appreciate your daughter’s act. She’s asserting herself! Cut what doesn’t serve you and move on!

  • My 42 year marriage, cheater died, so I had all his stuff. I had a garage sale. Sold his precious book collections for$1, hahah. Sold or gave away everything. Sold my rings and jewelry for cash. The only thing kept was a heavy coat. I planned to use gardening,when it was cold. I’m wearing that coat, no power for 8 days. Been sleeping in it. Finally he was useful. I’ll bask by your bonfire

    • Oh Hcard, I was cheering you on and laughing about the $1 for the precious books (snicker, snicker), but then I read the part about your not having power for 8 days. Ugh! That’s awful. I’m glad he was finally useful, but I do hope your power is restored soon.

      Obviously, your internal power is strong! Good luck. Stay strong!

      • Yeah, all my friends, family and colleagues have a memory of my x hunched over his various technology. ALL THE TIME. People used to ask me, “what’s he doing?” Now we know…I think it was a combo of porn and just an excuse not to be engaged in life. I’m mentally taking all the technology to the Apple recycling centre here in my city!

        • Ahh, that may explain the extra wifi (kind of like a hot spot) thing I found? Thanks! My Mr. Against Social Media, sure likes surfing instagram for women. I’ve caught that a few times. They are so often the opposite of what they say.

  • I’d like to burn the box he kept with all the cards and notes from me and the kids. Child has begged to burn them during a video call to STBX. So far I’ve said no, but I haven’t returned them to him and I never will; he doesn’t deserve to have them back. I’d like to burn them when the divorce is final, and like child, I’d love to have him see it. BTW, in the same box, I also found several cards and Valentines from a former subordinate that strongly hinted at a personal relationship. Lying right next to my cards and notes. The key word is lying.

    • I’d burn the love letters from when we were young twenty somethings engaged to be married during his love bombing phase. For some reason they survived the purge 30 years later where I walked away from the house and most of its contents to start a new cheater free life far far away. I think they were stuck in with the one bin of memorabilia I allow myself that I have dragged from place to place.

  • I’ve rid myself of almost all of our things together. I still have photo albums, but plan to let the kids have the photos as it still hurts to look at 20 years of a fake life with Xhole.

    What I want to burn down is my anger and resentment of losing so much during the divorce, how the state gave him so much of what I saved and earned since he made less than me and burned through money so I had to open my own bank account and save everything I could all by myself. In the end, I had to hand it to him and half my pension. Five years on and I’m still angry.

    I see my anger burning as its own flame, and hope it incinerates itself.

    • I’m facing the same fate. I’ll have to pay him quite a bit because I’m the one who works and covers the bills and he has a crappy little pension since he could not wait a few years to retire. No fault community property state. I’d like to burn down my anger and resentment over that.

  • I’ll burn all the self help books I bought. Thinking that maybe I was the problem.

    Burn them in a big bonfire while I snuggle next to my new man, who is 100X the man the ex was.

    • Yes to the self help books!! Plus some other garbage I bought early in marriage thinking I could “fix” him.

    • Oooh! I want that!

      One thing I’ve thought about is we could suggest that as a criteria for “are you with a narcissist?” – do you read every self help article and book you can find – always trying to fix yourself? I ws frustrated that he would never read anything like that or even listen to me when I tried to explain points I was learning. Looking back it is very clear (as he used to even tell me) “there’s nothing wrong with me.”

      Red flag there, huh?

      • Oh yes. The Amazon RIC books. I still get suggestions on Amazon about new “spouse cheated, let’s heal the marriage” books. Blech.

      • Yep! I’ve read all I could get my hands on to help explain his behaviors and to fix me! He never read any of it or cared to hear about it.

  • Framed family photos. What a Joke!
    Left them all with him though when I left. Sure he still has them up because he can’t fathom he did anything wrong. poor, poor sausage

  • I did my actual bonfire years ago, but here in Year 7 post-D-Day, I’m throwing away his idea for paint color on my living room walls and on the ceiling. I’m going for the same color I painted the kitchen, Sherwin Williams Pure White (instead of an antique white color). Lighter! Brighter! Cleaner! It’s not that I think of him when I look at the walls (I don’t) but they are probably the last things here that he ever touched.

    Probably the most satisfying things I threw on the actual/virtual fires were any communication he ever sent. The cards and “heartfelt notes” were the most toxic things I had in the end. He was all about “I love you!!!” with underlining in lieu of an actual Valentine’s Day gift. His WORDS were the gift, and we know how cheap they were…and how meaningless…throw that stuff away! Heap on the virtual bonfire any of the fake “I love yous.”

  • I threw away the box of blame he gave me for his actions. I threw away any doubts that I might have held that I contributed to his actions. I threw away the daily negativity and drama he placed in my lap. I threw away the claim he made that I’d never be able to take care of myself, survive without him. I threw away the misery trying to live with him and his BS for the rest of my life.

    Aaaah…..5 years out and the roles are starting to slowly reverse. I’m getting my financial feet underneath me – and the prospects for advancement in my job look good. The kid and I have a wonderful relationship and he’s asked for a change in custody so he can be with me the whole of his Senior year at HS. I’m the one the kid comes to for help and advice. Meanwhile XAss has been forced to retire early (shenanigans finally caught up with him.) Now has a severely reduced income. Woman aren’t touching him with a 100′ pole (at least no quality woman). And he’s still miserable.

  • My wedding dress. I have dragged that thing to both of the homes I lived in after the divorce. My current home that I built (my way) has an attic I was climbing a ladder to put said wedding dress in the attic, (I don’t know why?) Then I fell broke my wrist in two places. That stupid dress in now in my attic and I am afraid to get it out because I have a little PTSD with the ladder! I have to get it out and burn it!

    • Have a friend with you on speakerphone while you go up. Go up slow, looking at each rung in front of you, taking your sweet time. Drop the dress down, leave the empty box up there for later. Climb down with nothing in your hands, so you can hold the ladder. You can do it!

  • I thought about burning my wedding dress after 34 years of marriage but decided instead to put it on top of the full garbage can where the wackjob would see it as he drove by every morning on his way to work from schmoopie’s house.

  • His movie preferences on my Netflix. Ugh. I want to puke every time Netflix suggests I might like….

    And for a real physical object – the damn deer heads (taxidermy). I hated them on the living room wall for over 30 years. Very, very happy to see them hauled off to Schmoopie’s apartment.

  • Part of my settlement agreement was that I was to go through all the photos of several decades and send him half. Arg. That was really painful. I told my attorney how painful it was, and he told me to play loud music and cry my way through it. LOL. That was actually a really good insight.

    So while doing that, I had my own keep pile, his photos, and then ones to throw away. I kept none of the wedding ones other than the album and anything that didn’t have our kids in it. I worked every night and all weekend and sent him scads of boxes. He put them in his garage. Yup. The perfect place to store photos, particularly because he chose a warm climate to run away to. So those will be toast soon. All that work on my part! But I let it go and didn’t say anything.

    I put mine into two photo safe boxes that I keep in the guest room. Way less than I sent him.

    I still have the ring and put it into the safety deposit box. I’m not a big diamond person, so I’m not sure what I’ll do with it. I bought a basic ring with a saying that I wear on my ring finger. At some point I’ll replace that with a new ring or a ring that I already have. Between the divorce and COVID, I gained a lot of weight, and none of my old rings fit.

    The wedding dress and some belongings of his that he left behind went to the dump when I was preparing to move and put the house on the market. Oh, and there was a whole garbage bag of sex-related things. Seeing that all together made me physically ill. I took all of the basement junk with me and gradually went through it and threw out more memorabilia and his junk. He had the privilege of showing up with a moving van and taking what he wanted, and I had the unfortunate duty of dealing with the rest and then keeping up with two houses until the family house sold.

    There were things he left behind that I sold for groceries and such when we were barely making it, so it wasn’t all negative.

    Ah well, we got through it.

    • >>All that work on my part!

      So you could keep the photos that you wanted, ones which you wouldn’t have trusted to him. One expert on DV (Don Hennessy) says knowing how you do those tasks for yourself it helps free you of DV toxicity, like a cleanse.

      Quite a story there, well told. Sounds like such a crappy task though, but maybe you feel great later, like a cleanse.

    • Now I’m thinking there should be prizes for bon fire contributions. I hope you’re free of his collection now.

  • To show just how eerily compartmentalized the mind of a cheater is, ex had gifted me with an ink stamp of our home address for Christmas not long before things blew up. I threw it out when I was packing up, but it would have certainly gone in the virtual fire because owning that home and being there for the years I thought I would be all went in the fire. I’ve since bought my own home and just recently had an address stamp made. I’m a nester and it feels good to have a place of my own again.

  • XW had a 3/4 scale violin in a case she picked up before we were married. She could barely play it, but was sure our future kids would want it.
    Nope.
    She demanded it ithe divorce. Great I said, but I don’t know where it is. I told her that I think it is stored in your Mom’s attic. She couldn’t find it. Later, she made a short visit to our family home, which I ended up with in settlement. She saw the new fireplace set I had recently purchased and ashes in the fireplace and said to me, “You burned my violin, didn’t you!”
    -I managed a cabinet shop. I had an unlimited supply of hardwood scraps to burn.
    -When we lived together I regularly used the fireplace?
    -This is how cheaters think. Because they lie and cheat routinely they project that onto the faithfull spouse.
    -Knowing that she thinks I burned up her violin is better than actually doing it.
    -She inherited her mother’s house. Imagine her mental gymnastics when some workman asks her about finding a tiny violin rotting away in the attic!

      • Yep, yep, yep. When I first moved out, and we were dividing things, he told me I could take all the iron skillets I wanted if I’d leave him one. He didn’t specify which, so, ever chumpy, I left him the one I knew he liked to make cornbread in. A couple of weeks later when I went over to do more clearing out, he accused me of having taken all of them. I said I hadn’t, opened the cupboard, and there the skillet sat. I said, here it is, and he looked surprised. It was just next to where it was usually kept, but instead of actually looking, he’d just concluded that I had taken it to spite him.

        • Classic.

          I was accused of not leaving him $30 (I left it, dammit), his share of the proceeds from the sale of god knows what on FB marketplace (which I orchestrated, by the way). I should have kept it as a commission. Even if he truly believed I hadn’t left it, he could have let it slide because he’d spent so much on the OW and caused me SO much harm. But, no, he didn’t because he’s an entitled FW. Yet another example!

          This is another case of a lowlife suspecting another of doing that which he would do and did.

          Imagine thinking as they do! They must be miserable.

    • Because that’s what THEY would do. Says more about them than you. I love how they tell you who they are if you are listening.

  • A friend of mine had access to a cannon. He loaded his divorce papers into the cannon and shot them off with a huge cannon explosion.

  • All the hand towels and baby oil he hid in his desk… and, after soiling them by jacking off with his AFF buddies, he’d throw them on top of the laundry pile like a big fuck you at me. It just became one more way I learned to go contact… I’d remember abusive moments like that and remind myself that normal, healthy, adult people don’t behave this way. He is hardwired to be a fuckwit and no one will ever love him in to being different.

    • Oh shit! Gross. Mine did something like this too, and it hurt my feelings so much because, of course, he wasn’t having sex with me.

    • My ex used to sit on a pillow at the computer desk. When he left there were brown skid marks and yellow stains on it. Sent him a photo of it before putting on gloves and throwing it in the trash.

    • OMG- I thought my exhole was the only one who did that. Leaving “towels” all over the place. Gross… Must be something the disordered freaks learn.

  • His drop down menu of “sorrys.” they need to burn.

    I’m sorry.
    I’m really very sorry.
    Sorry to hear that.
    Sorry.
    I’m very truly sorry.
    I’m honestly very sorry.
    Truly, I’m sorry.
    I’m sorry you feel that way.
    I’m sorry you reacted that way.
    Sorry for everything.
    Well, then I guess I’m sorry for that too.

    Each and every single one of them vapid, insincere, and disingenuous. They can all be tossed into the dumpster fire that he and the OW – now wife – are, or at least I hope they will be.

  • I would love to throw my Marriage Certificate onto the bonfire. For some reason, although I requested it from the safe deposit box that he stole, he kept it. Quite possibly he destroyed it when he began the cheating? Maybe he just couldn’t stand the reminder, but, then again, how silly….that would indicate guilt or shame.

    • I just realized I still have my marriage cert from my first cheater marriage. The way things are now in terms of post 911 era and all the ID required, I will likely just keep it. I also have an old metal SS card with my previous married name on it.

    • Keep it. You may need it. I filed to get my Real ID. I got a passport, but the way they wrote my name didn’t match my Driver’s License. And of course my maiden name is different from my married/divorced name. I had to show a birth certificate, my marriage certificate AND my divorce decree along with my Passport to them to accept I am who I say I am. UGH!

  • His extra cell phones, his entire vehicle! He keeps it locked like a vault even with a small safe inside. His condoms that he used to sneak around. The suitcases and overnight bags for sneaking off with whomever. The random phone chargers that I always wondered what they fit and why we had them. His lap top that his dad told him to change the password on bc I was figuring out he was a cheater and liar. Our old tax documents that he and his dad fucked me on year after year.

      • Yes, its a special type of twisted isn’t it?! And his dad is the typical “Mr. Nice Guy”, volunteers at church, plays the care taker of his wife, super passive aggressive, victim syndrome. The older mine got the more he became like his father. I never thought of his dad as the cheater type, but isn’t that the red flag of these covert narc cheater types? Maybe I should add all his family secrets and the financial abuse to our virtual bonfire too! I’ve gotten to more meh-ish with the women but the financial fuck they did to me all the while giving me a smug smile over Thanksgiving turkey- that’s the stuff I’m not sure I’ll ever recover from.

  • My divorce took 10 months from Dday.
    Xw had moved in with Camper boy and I stayed in the marital home. I’ll admit I’d entertained revenge thoughts of pouring 5 gallons of Diesel fuel inside it and watching it burn to the ground. I didn’t because… Arson.

    She signed over the adjacent, 4 room cottage, my vehicles, and 4 acres of 16.
    I made her legally gift it to me, which I’m sure she relished that because it would add to her image management of her kindness for her poor abandoned husband. Pffft!

    She kept the other 12 acres and the cardboard modular home. She listed it afterwards for sale at $149K. It sat for 3 years until last year 2020 when I researched the sale through the county GIS system after I’d seen an electrical contractor doing some work on it. It sold for 50K$. I’d paid the real estate property taxes on all of it until the decree was in hand, at which point I stopped and just paid mine. She let her tax bills accumulate, soon after the warrants in debt started flowing in. I knew she was drowning in debt but Hey!! Not my problem anymore. I had a single person dwelling and room for the beagles to run. All paid for.

    I left all her shit in the cardboard modular home after going through everything I wanted to keep. She rented the modular out to my best friend and his family who lived in our rural neighborhood. (His FW wife abandoned him 18 months ago but he’s still on the hopium.) So they had to empty the house of all her shit before they could move in. That was the last time I saw her Oct 2018. I promised her she’d be arrested on the spot for tresspassing if she ever set foot on my land again.

    I’ve had several bonfires since. The last thing I burned of hers was a printer. I’m actually running out of things left to burn.
    I’ve burned pictures, clothing, towels, odds and ends…basically Anything that reminded me of her. None of it means anything to me now. That’s an advantage to living in the city because I can have a fire whenever I choose.

    So…for any BBS Brothers and Sisters in CN I’ll dedicate this song as our chump nation official bonfire song…

    “Let It Burn”
    Blackberry Smoke
    Like An Arrow (album)

    Pull it up on your preferred music streaming service and sing along with me.

  • I kept every receipt of everything I ever spent money for my two kids. Everything. For over ten years. My ex was such a jerk that I could literally see him asking me to “prove” that I actually spent money on food, clothing and shelter. You know, because I was robbing him blind with him paying $700 a month in child support for two teenage boys.

    Once the youngest turned 18 and he no longer had to pay support, I decided it was time to pitch all of that. I know I could have lit a huge fire with it, but instead I took it to a shredder event. I took a picture of every box that went into that truck and literally skipped back to my car. People thought I was crazy. I on the other hand was happy to see it all go. Buh bye!

    • Mine tried to pull this you owe me $ shit. He’d send me an email, “You never reimbursed me for the plane ticket I bought for the kid” Um, I bought the MF ticket Asshole. And I would send him a single sentence reply with a copy of the receipt. And then radio silence. He has done this repeatedly over the years since we split. He’s never been right once. You’d think he’d learn by now…but they never do.

      So yeah I always keep the receipts. But only 1 1/2 more years and then I’ll have a bonfire with the HUGE file of emails and other paperwork documenting the divorce and custody.

  • Full disclosure: There was nothing virtual about my bonfire. I used the wedding album as kindling and watched as her wedding dress went up in a spectacular inferno of lies and shattered dreams.

  • To the bonfire goes…
    – the diamond in my engagement ring which was the same carat weight as his college class year and was also round and not heart shaped like I had said I wanted when he asked
    – the master bedroom set and bedding which are all his ugly taste and who knows who he had been with on them
    – the tape from the light switch that he covered on the stairs outside because he didn’t want me to use it and break my neck in the dark
    – the password protected thermostat
    – all but a few photos of him (that I will put away for my son)
    – a million BS greeting cards. Especially since I saw what he was sending his OW.
    – house stuff that looks like ass that he would never let me replace, sell, or uprgrade – a $10 1970s stained velvet couch, bookshelves that were in the house when we bought it and were made by someone (poorly), several light fixtures, flatware, and the hideous paint colors in 5 rooms of the house.
    – all of the gas powered lawn/yard equipment. I can’t stand the noise and exhaust and since I am the one who does the yard work, why can’t I use electric?

    I used to also want to sink his hobby car that he hasn’t worked on in 20 years to the bottom of the ocean but it is seriously such an embarrassing heap, I seriously hope he keeps it forever and burdens whatever schmoopie with it.

    • I left the marital house, which was a piss poor 30 year old pre-fab double wide held together with duct tape, wire and boat putty. He ‘decorated’ it with Early Yard Sale furniture and refused to spend $ on decent furniture. Or properly repair the house. (He actually put metal carpet transition strips to hold down the peeling up edges of the improperly laid linoleum therefore resulting in ‘speed bumps’ across the floor and directly under the spot to stand while cooking at the stove. He couldn’t understand why I disapproved of this home upgrade. He covered the walls with his own home-made taxidermy fish and game (covered in dust and cobwebs). And then filled with horde any remaining corners (including in his son’s room) that he could shove shit into.

      I feel bad for my son who will eventually have to deal with all that crap one day at least 4 different properties. If he asks for help, I’ll hand him a full gas can and match, and park a lawn chair nearby to watch the blaze.

      • Sounds like my ex. He complained that I wasn’t a good enough house keeper. I was decent, just not a spit shiner. He let the house fall apart, including infested with termites. My son and I both tried for several years to tell him we had termites, he refused to accept it. Don’t know if it was his cheapness, or if he was just concentrating on dicking around. He finally had to call the termite folks, and he repaired and put up new wall, very sloppily; because I am sure, though I didn’t know what was going on; that he already had it planned in his head that I would be stuck with the property. He was a controller, and always had been; so I am sure it never occured to him in the beginning that he wouldn’t continue to be in control of the outcome.

        Anyway, come the split, he generously told me his plan was to let me have the house, and the rental house his mom was living in, as long as I let her live there until she died. Yeah fuck you and the whore you rode in on. He got the marital house, and the loan on the rental house his mom was living in.

        My lawyer said, NO, he is not going to stick you with his mother for the rest of her life, she is his responsibility.

        I got the small rental house free and clear and he moved his mom into the marital house; until she had to move in with them because of her health.

        She turned against me when I refused to take him back after one of his circle backs. Can you imagine being stuck with a hostile mother in law in your property. Yeah, no thanks.

        I believe from all accounts he lost control of his life pretty much in total after we divorced. Oh he tried, but he just made one screw up after the other.

  • It was a rental house that neither of us could afford on our own. He moved into his camper aka with her until the lease was up and he could get his own place. I had 5 months to go through everything. I took only what I absolutely needed and left everything else. It’s all gone. All of it.

    I will burn all the financial records once the divorce is done.

  • All of the cards he gave me. All lies. Btw going to Salem MA tomorrow. Just think it’s funny you mentioned that. 😊

    • I tucked three bags of letters and cards i had saved over the course of our marriage from him
      Into his moving boxes when he left
      Done with that.
      Bye bye

  • Packing up all the china and glassware in the butler’s pantry off the kitchen, I came across the wedding goblet, with the etched names and date. I looked out the window to make sure no pets were on the patio. Walked up a couple flights of stairs to the attic, opened up the window facing the patio and aimed ! Bullseye-smithereens that I swept up. Didn’t care what the neighbors heard or thought.

    For your information, cheap polyester crotchless panties from Frederick’s of Hollywood are highly flammable. Whoreware, in my opinion. To each his/her own.

    A divorced friend gave her wedding dress to a little girl in the neighborhood. It gave her great pleasure to watch the little girl wear it whilst being a tomboy, climbing trees, dragging the skirt through dirt,etc. The dress was destroyed just like her marriage was.

    🤣

    • I wish I had something to smash but I had our names engraved onto my parents’ cake server so I guess I’ll be passing it down.

      I attempted to donate my dress to Angel Gowns but they had so many donations at the time that they couldn’t accept more, so I stuffed it in the trash bin.

      I’m keeping the tiara, though, because I’m a queen who deserves better!

  • I found out ex was cheating after he left when I found a list of pros and cons for me and ow he had hidden.
    I ended up wring a long list of cons for him and at about 12 months after D day burnt both lists in the backyard. Symbolic and satisfying.

  • I discovered there wasn’t all that much “us” for me to burn. I got rid of some furniture, books, clothes, other stuff he gave me. I never liked any of it; what I liked was never of any concern to him. Every scrap of paper he left behind got recycled.

  • All of his Michigan stuff. He’s a huge Michigan fan, and was always so arrogant about it. And if Michigan lost a football game, he was grumpy and mean for days afterward. Days. I’d have to keep the kids out of his way while he sulked.

    I so don’t miss that man.

  • If a friend and I cheated on a test, I would feel guilty about it and avoid eye contact with that teacher, never take a class from her again, and even drop that friend. The friend and teacher would serve as painful reminders of the dirty deed. Guilt would eat me up (Hey, I was raised Catholic so come by it honestly.)

    But do cheaters feel this kind of guilt?

    Do they engage in their own virtual burning rituals to alleviate crappy feelings?

    In the case of my ex, I would say, “Yes and no.”

    Yes, he seemed to want nothing to do with me. He seemed quite willing to torch his family and his past. On with the new!

    The OW was not “burned,” obviously, but I wonder if deep down she is a reminder of his own shittiness–Bonnie to his Clyde, partners in crime. I think that the thrill of the heist will dissipate.

    My ex burned a lot. He kept certain things, though, like the damn wedding champagne glasses, but I suspect those were retained because he’s a sadist. Champagne glasses received as wedding gifts symbolize a celebration of love. In his case, he wanted me to know that he would soon be celebrating with the OW.

    So, I know I burned a lot and continue to do so, but these cheaters burn shit, too. Entire relationships, in fact.

    Perhaps this burning by both parties is beyond obvious…

    I could never cheat because, among other things, I would be consumed by guilt. That’s the ultimate burn!

    (Oh, and I never cheated on a test, except that one time in third grade when I copied the wrong answers off off that girl’s paper. I erased my original right answers. The teacher saw right through it. Lesson learned!)

    • “but I wonder if deep down she is a reminder of his own shittiness–Bonnie to his Clyde, partners in crime. I think that the thrill of the heist will dissipate.”

      I don’t think there is any question that this will happen. They can not escape themselves, though they will try, and they will put on a good front. Those of us lucky enough to never be around them again, may never see it, but many will. The only reason I know how he and schmoops crashed and burned is because we share a grown son. Got busted, and put back out on street patrol, bankruptcy, fighting with family, fighting with neighbors, fighting with church members etc. Schmoops likely enjoyed the fighting with folks, as that is how she was raised. My ex, no, my guess is he had absolutely no control over the whore, and after 20 years of peace and a wife that pretty much did what he wanted and her focus was him; yeah that had to suck. Once the thrill went away, and it just turned into marriage; well…

      My son told me that she is just like his dad, selfish and controlling. He married himself. I am sure she kept that well hidden until she got the marriage cert. He was not going to admit to his world of people (those few that he had left), that he screwed up his life. They could see it, plain as day; but he was not going to admit it.

      I think likely the worst part of it for him was losing his promotion and he was on a clear track with me by his side to run and win the mayors office. That was clearly the most important part of his life, and he threw it all away.

  • I will like to add something to the fire

    – His stupid workout stuff that he has everywhere and never works out. Kettlebells burn?

    – Stupid scraps of wood that he has saved for years “in case he needs it”, never has needed them

    – His ugly family “heirloom” furniture aka crap from deceseaded relatives that neither his mother or sister or anyone rlse wanted. He never caught on that it was crap that no one wanted that they needed gone.

    – His clothes, my gawwddd he has do much clothes and shoes.

    – the fucking ugly cabinet he built..it’s ugly as fuck. Burn!!!!!

    – What I burn more than anything else are all if his deplyment orders. Each one of them is a year of me alone slowly dying. Each one is him traveling with fat mistress. Each piece of paper is him putting his priorities elsewhere and destroying our kids.

    – souvenirs he bought for us while on vacation with his mistress!!!!!! He brought kid toys and artisan crafts etc. I had no freaking clue.

    – I want to burn my pain. There is do much of it. I can live with the ugly furniture and his fancy clothes, but my son is something that I need out of my life. It feels like searing burn ony chest.

    – I want to burn the love I have for him. I have no use for it.

  • “Burn baby burn ! Burn that mother (fucking/fucker’s shit) down !”
    The Trammps single Disco Inferno

  • I am tossing ALL the bullshit and LIES I was fed my entire life!!!! Anyone who is not with me on a positive journey can go piss off. I’m on a mission and making my pack light and tight – goodbye dead weight – tangible and intangible.
    One really big thing I am starting to realize is that my lifestyle is a CHOICE. I choose to be single, never married, with no children, no pets, no emergency contact – don’t pity me, honey, I am more free than ever before in my life.
    In the bin goes the idea that anyone else in my life can “make” me feel complete.
    I LOVE FIRE!!!!!!!!

    • I believe God (nature) made us self contained, in that assuming we have a measure of good health can take care of our own needs.

      Others in our lives that we love, and can trust are great, but we are responsible for our own peace within ourselves.

      • Yes! Getting/finding/feeling affirmation from within ourselves instead of dependence on external validation.
        Don’t get me wrong – I struggle with this, but I am determined to change my way of thinking

        • Preregrine. I totally agree. I feel like if I did not depend so much on validation-affirmation from others I would have left him years ago!
          I’m adding to the fire my continuing need to be validated by others and my lack of strength within myself.

          • Yes. I, too, would like to rid myself of the need for validation by others. I would add to that an added goal of being totally ok with the disapproval of others.

            • Being ok with the disapproval of others, was something I did get out of the divorce. I mean disapproval of those closest to me. I never worried much about disapproval of folks that didn’t matter to me. Once I was discarded, I learned fairly fast that I can’t make my decisions based on what he thought, what his mother thought (who I loved) or any one else in my life.

              It was one of the silver linings. It helped me in my personal life, and even in my work life.

              It helped that my dear dad, was calling almost daily and saying, do what is right for you, you know what is right and how to take care of yourself, you can do this, etc.

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