What Are You Throwing on the Virtual Bonfire?

New year, new you. Anything you want to purge from the detritus of your old life? (Aside from your ex that is. I’ll assume you’ve already Kon Mari-ed the cheater.)

You’re in luck! Today is the Chump Nation Virtual Bonfire! Heave ho all that heavy psychic crap you’re carrying around. Into the flames!

What would you like to incinerate? (No exes or affair partners, please. We’re all about the meh here, not Biblical revenge or smiting with hot coals. I think there’s an entire Underworld for that.)

Awful presents you received? A set of screwdrivers? Elf lit? A tie-dyed license plate cover?

Her set of Franklin Mint collectible tea-cups?

His cross-bow?

Check out our funeral pyre and bring some flammables! Warm yourself by the glow and let’s make some cocoa. Who’s got the marshmallows?

TGIF!

Incoming!

(sizzle)

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Robert
Robert
4 years ago

The memories, they’re just about gone anyhow but that’s all I can think of that’s left to burn…

Now-I-know-what-Hell-looks-like
Now-I-know-what-Hell-looks-like
4 years ago
Reply to  Robert

I’m tossing in the DVR’s and CD’s that hold the digital recordings of all the conversations he had with a certain “false pastor” detailing his sex-capades with his ho-workers.
I don’t ever have to listen to them again, every single word is burned into my brain.

Robert
Robert
4 years ago

Ouch!

Rad Momma
Rad Momma
4 years ago

Nah, I sold the stuff and bought new stuff!!!
But I wish I could burn this custody case and make it go away.

Motherchumper99
Motherchumper99
4 years ago
Reply to  Rad Momma

Sending strength Rad Momma. Don’t give up fighting for your Childrens’ well being! It will end at some point. We are here for you.

NJSC
NJSC
4 years ago

All my lingerie from when I was with him, regardless of the good shape it was in.

Sodisturbed
Sodisturbed
4 years ago
Reply to  NJSC

I had a tonne of cute lingerie. He said “I’m not here for a fashion show, I’m here for something else”. In the meantime he was sexting this super ugly cow and she was modeling and sending him dirty pics of her in yoga pants. What he did with the yoga pants after was super gross. Can I throw all yoga pants and pics of him humping them into the fire?

Martha
Martha
4 years ago
Reply to  NJSC

I threw all the beautiful and sexy lingerie in the kitchen garbage can the day he told me that he “gave up” four different women for me. Mind you. He “gave up” the four different women for me WHILE WE WERE MARRIED. Also, the four different women were names I never heard of before and also none of the women that I caught him emailing, messaging or going out for coffee/lunch/dating with. This man-child triangulated me with women from 1991 to 2014. He intentionally made me feel jealous and crazy. He told me that my feelings were not valid. He told me that I was overreacting anytime I caught doing something he shouldn’t have been doing with other women. I’m so thankful that I now have the knowledge that the problem was him and not my reaction to his abuse. I’m so happy to be free of that evil mind fucker!

NotbLUEinTC
NotbLUEinTC
4 years ago
Reply to  NJSC

I feel that way too, but some of it’s so cute! It’s in a drawer for now, just waiting for me to decide.

SupineChump
SupineChump
4 years ago

I really need to burn my disdain for men.

She lied and left
She lied and left
4 years ago
Reply to  SupineChump

Without hope or intention I’d just like to say you are beautiful. You will realise at some point that it’s not men or women in particular it’s just those of shitty character from either sex. Don’t make it a gender thing though – my ex wife was evil and the worst thing I could do would be to start believing that is women in general are evil. They’re not – it’s just some odd ones are “wrong’uns”

She lied and left
She lied and left
4 years ago

@SupineChump

Confused123
Confused123
4 years ago
Reply to  SupineChump

I 100% can understand this! I’m terrified of letting men close these days.

SuperDuperChump
SuperDuperChump
4 years ago
Reply to  SupineChump

Good Ole Fashioned Southern Country Boys……like my girlfriend found. There were more people in her graduating class than my entire hometown.

Tall One
Tall One
4 years ago
Reply to  SupineChump

There are a ton of assholes all over. But can I share: I have a friend who’s dead-X gave her every reason for the huge wall she guards her heart with. She’s a total catch in my eyes; but her wall prevents any guy from getting through. She let him take this amazing part of her, her heart, to the grave.

Chumps have powerful loving hearts. And thats what makes us awesome. Guard it, but don’t let your cheater take that too…

Gaz
Gaz
4 years ago
Reply to  Tall One

I total agree , we have had our hearts broken by people we trusted and loved, we were bad judges of character, there are lots of honest open and loving people , they are just like us, but the fuckwits make us scared to try again , don’t let the fuck wits win, let the chumps find each other and have an amazing life free from dickheads

WarriorPrincess
WarriorPrincess
4 years ago
Reply to  Tall One

Tall One, that was so touching. Thank you for that.

SouthernChump
SouthernChump
4 years ago
Reply to  Tall One

❤️❤️❤️

Valerie
Valerie
4 years ago
Reply to  SouthernChump

I really needed to do that too, i hated men and thought that they were all narcissist. I decided to open my heart again over a year ago. It was all good and we were going slow. I let him move in my house. He was very helpful, gets along with my kids. ( He still has his own place).
However, with him now, I’m going back to thinking that most men are insecure and somehow wounded. He gets so angry at me anytime I don’t act submissive. He has to be the top human in our tribe and be the one with all the knowledge. If I decide to do things my way, I’m being accused of, making teamwork the most difficut thing in life, of being sour, not able to have fun with pple and I’m just the worst! He makes me feel like shit. So today, I’m erecting a huge thick wall and never letting any man in ever again. Being single is my life now. Today, I’m throwing all future romantic relationships to the fire.

Kathy
Kathy
4 years ago
Reply to  Valerie

Valarie
If this guy makes you feel like shit, you need to get him out of your life. Like tomorrow.

Valerie
Valerie
4 years ago
Reply to  Kathy

You are right. I’m now in the guest room because he kept telling me I was wiggly and I was just doing it to be annoying to him, at 4 o’clock in the morning!

brit
brit
4 years ago
Reply to  Valerie

Valerie, his criticism and negativity will only escalate, destroying your self esteem. His negativity isn’t good for your children.
Let him go.
Anyone who makes you feel like shit doesn’t belong in your circle.

Soldiering On
Soldiering On
4 years ago
Reply to  Valerie

Yep–tell him to pack his shit and get out or you’ll put it on the lawn for him.

Soldiering On
Soldiering On
4 years ago
Reply to  Valerie

You have the right to make that decision. Please do it. Anyone who treats you as if you are second-class in your own home has lost the right to any say in your life.

Tall One
Tall One
4 years ago
Reply to  Valerie

I think this guy just isn’t *the* guy and dump his ass and move along.
Not judging – you do you…, just saying its ok to be vulnerable.

I don’t think we won’t get hurt again. And should we end up in the love we long for and then survive that partner’s passing; that will be very painful. But we’ll have that love we didn’t yet get (and why we’re on this blog).

Me
Me
4 years ago
Reply to  Tall One

This.

SupineChump
SupineChump
4 years ago
Reply to  Tall One

????

Thirtythreeyearsachump
Thirtythreeyearsachump
4 years ago

Dear Chump Lady, I am tossing on the bonfire my copy of that cheater classic, “What Did You Do to Make Him Cheat?”. I have never burned a book, yet I’m giving the old heave-HO, to “She is Everything You Will Never Be.” by STBX. Finally, here goes my copy, annotated, autographed and meticulously footnoted of “Raised in a Nest of Narcissists, How to Prepare for a Life as a Chump.” by my mother. Look at that useless book burn! Returning to the physical world I’m tossing his $1,845.11 shoes on the bonfire. I found the receipt for those while wearing shoes with holes in them. He never wore them anyway.

I love a good bonfire. I brought Scotch for the drinkers and hand pressed orange juice for my non-drinking chumps. If you brought anything too big to carry I’ll help you toss that shit in the bonfire. I might need a hand with this virtual bag of reoccurring nightmares, they are slithering out and twining around my ankles. Stomping on things is frequently a part of bonfires, stomp out the sparks and flames that escape the fire. Stomp out that which doesn’t serve you!

WhooooWeeeeee! This is a good time!

Martha
Martha
4 years ago

Well said, Thirtythreeyearsachump!! Knowledge is power! The day you realize you were raised to be a chump is the day you can STOP being a chump!

NotbLUEinTC
NotbLUEinTC
4 years ago

I make the best Mexican dip in the Midwest and will bring the tequila.

Thirtythreeyearsachump
Thirtythreeyearsachump
4 years ago
Reply to  NotbLUEinTC

NotbLUEinTC, this bonfire is lit!!! I am in the MidWest and “The Best Mexican Dip in the MidWest” is a necessary element to a Bonfire!!!

Motherchumper99
Motherchumper99
4 years ago

I will bring the fixings for s’mores, 33Years and Peacekeeper! What a fun time we’ll have!

Thirtythreeyearsachump
Thirtythreeyearsachump
4 years ago

MotherChumper, I love S’Mores! They go delightfully with Scotch and the smoke from the ashes of the past!

Gentlechump
Gentlechump
4 years ago

Excellent selection of books to burn.

????

Thirtythreeyearsachump
Thirtythreeyearsachump
4 years ago
Reply to  Gentlechump

GentleChump, I’m rewriting my books, currently working on “Chump? Never Again!” and editing “Pissing on Your Boundaries; Marking Your Territory to Better Living.” I hope to shelve those in the permanent section of my emotional library.

peacekeeper
peacekeeper
4 years ago

Count me in, 33 Years,
I am coming to help you, and I am strong.
Many hugs to you and all posting Chumps.

Xxxxxxx
peacekeeper

Thirtythreeyearsachump
Thirtythreeyearsachump
4 years ago
Reply to  peacekeeper

Peacekeeper, thank you! Reoccurring nightmares are a bad bitch to carry.

ChumpetyChumpChump
ChumpetyChumpChump
4 years ago

I’m doing all the right things outwardly. However, I’d sure like to see my inner narrative in flames, embers, then ashes.

VulcanChump
VulcanChump
4 years ago

I’m actually feeling pretty good, so I’ve got the marshmallows, cocoa and whiskey for those who want it.

Kintsugi
Kintsugi
4 years ago
Reply to  VulcanChump

I’ll add Tom and Jerry mix, for the whiskey.

Loving life
Loving life
4 years ago

I’m going to throw all the printed emails and phone / text logs that I had kept during my marriage police days into this glorious bonfire. I’m also throwing any pictures of just him in the bonfire!

chumpupthevolume
chumpupthevolume
4 years ago

His collection of bicycles, none of which was ever good enough. The spinning shoes and yoga mat he used only to attend classes with her. The socks he asked me to buy him for Christmas because they were a style she liked. The re-gifted gift card he gave me that was from her. Our wedding photo which was on our mantle for so many years. Oh, and the innocence I lost. If I can find that I’ll throw it on there too.

UXworld
UXworld
4 years ago

Among the many things she left behind were an end table and a piano, both of which she got from her mother. A year and a half after the divorce was finalized, she made the first of three explicit demands for the end table, which was suddenly a “precious family heirloom” to which she was entitled. Meanwhile, I couldn’t give the piano away.

Last month, I finally made arrangements via a disposal service for the removal of the piano. The cost was halved if I disassembled it myself — I have never had as much fun with a hammer and crow bar in my life.

I notified her that if she was willing to contribute to the cost of the removal, she could have the end table. She responded with her usual rage-fueled, insult- and threat-laden invictives. (I should have realized I’d have been better off not saying anything.)

And so, I now submit to the virtual pyre, an end table that she discarded when in the joyous throes of setting up her new life, that she formally signed away all right to in the separation agreement, and when she now believes she’s entitled to because . . . well, just because.

And, when the weather gets better, I will find an actual pyre, and the cleansing will be complete.

MamaMeh
MamaMeh
4 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

Hey table!! This is the END!!

(Engulfed in flames …)

She brought nothing to the table, in the end, you brought the end table to … nothing.

But cinders.

Stephanie
Stephanie
4 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

KK’s rant is a testament to your boundaries, UXW. She HATES that she can’t manipulate you any more, that you’re not beholden to her whims and wants.

I LOVE it. I love every time she flips out, the entitled princess of nowhere.

Hah.

dldr40
dldr40
4 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

Yeah, my ex was given a date to get his stuff out of the garage.He rescheduled several times and I was accommodating for the first 3x. Then I wasn’t and had my attorney put it in the settlement. Once the date was set I gave him a full 12 hrs. Went to the beach with the kids for the day. When we got home(at midnight) he had all of his stuff in the driveway and a small van that in no was was going to accommodate the load . He was out there until 3am and still didn’t get everything. When after 3 months I called 1-800-ChuckIT to get the rest he had a melt down . When he got wind of what I did the texts rolled in. I was accused of destroying heirlooms, being vindictive, bitter, the whole nine yards. I just after 23yrs of marriage wanted to park in my damn garage!!!! Anything of value i put in a box for my kids. I didn’t ask for a dime in the removal (tip:-i had a chest freezer i paid to have hauled off, found out the Utility company in my area would have hauled it away for free and given me a $50 credit that would have really helped)why bother. I didn’t want the contact. Now it’s winter and i don’t have to clean my car off!!!!

NoMoreNarcs
NoMoreNarcs
4 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

In a similar situation, I was tempted to write “K** is a cheater” on the underside of discarded furniture before donating it.

But it didn’t feel very ‘Meh” – so thought better of it.

Martha
Martha
4 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

I also had a piece of furniture that became a “family heirloom”. The cheaters entire family (cheater, mom, dad, aunts, uncles, cousins) was going to toss their deceased grandmothers only prized possession into the garbage/Goodwill bin — a wrought ironed legged, glass topped coffee table. I said I would take it as I couldn’t believe they were all willing to toss it on the garbage. Well, after D-day the cheater said it was a “family heirloom” even though just a few years before it was garbage to him and his family. So, just like all cheaters and their families who lack empathy and only value sparkly new toys and things that are of use to them — they all tossed me out like garbage. But now I realize the garbage took itself out — cheaters and users are garbage.

Kintsugi
Kintsugi
4 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

If it’s a nice piece, see if someone will take it for free. No sense in burning it if someone else can use it. ( I refinish furniture and I’m always looking for things to re-do) See if someone around you has a paint store where they sell Fusion Mineral Paint and offer it up. Those people do some fabulous re-finishes.

Now I.C.
Now I.C.
4 years ago
Reply to  Kintsugi

Oh that would be the best! Agree with the person you donate it to that they send you a picture of the refinished item after they are done– the only payment you are asking for is to see how their project turned out.

Then post that picture on FB and stand back and watch a real fire burn when KK realizes her “precious heirloom” (that is pronounced “discarded shit I might want later” in cheaterspeak) is now covered in a cool paint job.

Lola Granola
Lola Granola
4 years ago

Very happy to report that the actual detritus has been pitched overboard long ago.

The metaphorical and emotional detritus has also mostly been scrubbed off and hosed away.

It’s amazing to see what colour the tiles actually are.

NoMo
NoMo
4 years ago
Reply to  Lola Granola

My wedding dress (if it wasn’t already in a landfill).

Adelante
Adelante
4 years ago
Reply to  NoMo

I gave mine–Victorian style, designed and hand sewn by me–to the theatre costume department at the university where I teach. They were thrilled to get it. I figured that as he was acting the whole time we were married, my gown should contribute to the cause now that I’ve divorced him.

nomar
nomar
4 years ago

I’m throwing in an AP’s ugly, angsty, ink-and-watercolor self-portrait of a grown-ass man with a skate board, which my cheating ex-wife received as a gift from this AP (one of several) during their affair and HUNG ON THE WALL OF OUR DINING ROOM FOR TWO YEARS. More of that cheaters-marking-their-territory behavior, I suppose, and duping delight. Repulsive art from, and to, repulsive people. Burn, baby, burn!

GladIt'sOver
GladIt'sOver
4 years ago
Reply to  nomar

They have bad taste in “art.” My cheater had a life-size cardboard cutout photograph of himself leaping into the air with legs pulled up and arms high in the sky, exactly like some kind of camo-garbed cheerleader. This lovely display was on a stand and graced our living room for years. I have no idea what he did with it once I moved out, though.

Chumpalou
Chumpalou
4 years ago
Reply to  GladIt'sOver

Ewwww…how awful. You had to look at that every day?? How conceited.

Hopium4years
Hopium4years
4 years ago
Reply to  GladIt'sOver

The extra large shirt he ordered after a motorcycle trip to a twisty turny highway that is so popular with bikers that photographers perch at various turns and take pics to sell you of yourself. You can have that professional grade photo of yourself – leaning into that turn – put on all kinds of things, including a shirt.

Can you spell N-A-R-C?

nomar
nomar
4 years ago
Reply to  nomar

I confess I actually burned this picture in the backyard after the divorce (yeah, when I filed for divorce and she moved in with a different AP she left it with ME). But I don’t mind imagining burning it all over again. ???? ????????????????????????

no-way
no-way
4 years ago
Reply to  nomar

We had a framed poster hanging in our house, I found out that he bought ow#1 the next one of the set and ow#2 got one too, hanging on her wall! Gifted by him! We all had the same effing artist prints in each house he shagged in! Turns my stomach the level of his derangement.. Like we are all interchangeable!

ChumpionoftheWorld
ChumpionoftheWorld
4 years ago
Reply to  nomar

Nomar,

My ex-wife had a sizable photo on the wall in our house of her competing in a bike race with her douchey AP. Before she moved out, she insisted on keeping it up in her office.

She did do me the service of taking it with her, although I saw an autographed copy (she is not famous) of it on the wall of my physical therapist’s waiting room. Ugh. Yes, we still share a PT, and the x is indeed a fine self promoter.

This was a few years ago, I bought her out of the house and I sold it recently and had the thrill f dumping much of the crap she did not take, but said she wanted to. Threw all of it into the massive dumpster at the town landfill, felt very, very good.

BetterSingle
BetterSingle
4 years ago

Chumpion – can you surreptitiously customize that signed photo at your PT’s office with fart bubbles coming out of her bike shorts?

GladHe’sGone
GladHe’sGone
4 years ago

I filled 4 dumpsters with stuff from my previous life. I did give away or sell what I could but my ex hoarded tools and other garbage. I can’t even tell you what all filled all those dumpsters, but it was so cathartic. I still have a few more things to get rid of but I’m letting my son and a friend of his handle the selling and giving them half the sales price.

I do want to burn down the wall around my heart though.

Now-I-know-what-Hell-looks-like
Now-I-know-what-Hell-looks-like
4 years ago

I’m tossing in the DVR’s and CD’s that hold the digital recordings of all the conversations he had with a certain “false pastor” detailing his sex-capades with his ho-workers.
I don’t ever have to listen to them again, every single word is burned into my brain.

SuperDuperChump
SuperDuperChump
4 years ago

Diabetes…..I got diagnosed last Summer. My doctor claimed with a few food changes, a bit of medication, and losing a few pounds…..it is possible to beat it. I have seen progress over the past few months.

NotAnymore
NotAnymore
4 years ago

My two tribes are Chumplady and WW. Both helped me cut through the disordered insanity, see things clearly and without shame for the first time, and then go about setting them straight.

Bill
Bill
4 years ago
Reply to  NotAnymore

WW?

Motherchumper99
Motherchumper99
4 years ago

SuperDuperChump: Dr Jason Fung’s work will save your life (he has bestselling books on Amazon and tons of work on YouTube).

Now I.C.
Now I.C.
4 years ago

Yes! SDC- and check out Vinnie Tortorich NSNG (no sugar no grains). It can absolutely reverse the disease. He references Jason Fung all the time.

SuperDuperChump
SuperDuperChump
4 years ago
Reply to  Now I.C.

Fortunately for me….I have been in a relationship with a vegan for almost 3 years. Still like my steak and eggs…..but have an awesome cook with alternative meals.

NotMyFault
NotMyFault
4 years ago

I have always found this funny: My therapist has told me to write letters to everyone I hate and burn them…now, what do I do with all he letters?

NotMyFault
NotMyFault
4 years ago
Reply to  NotMyFault

“the” letters!

SweetPotatoFlakes
SweetPotatoFlakes
4 years ago

I’d love to set fire to the fear of my ex-wife’s rage. It was only ever really bad early in our marriage and when we tried reconciling. The seething version of her anger never scared me. The rage, that flips on like a light switch, does.

She once mentioned this was “advice” from her mom. I don’t doubt it could have been. However, it was narcissistic rage that truly made it effective. Her mom supposedly told her that “whatever men think they can get away with in the beginning of the marrage, they will always think they can get away with. If you want them to change a habit, like requiring the trash being taken out daily, then you have to come down on them hard. Otherwise, they will never change”. Words of wisdom, that is. ????

I never knew what would cause it. I could absentmindedly be doing something and turn around to find she’s got me cornered and she’s furious.

It rarely ever happens now. Probably because of advice from her lawyer to keep up her “rainbows and sunshine” persona. Besides, the impact of it lessens significantly each time it transitions from in person, to phone call, then to text message. A text message rant will just prompt me to let out a sigh and turn off my notifications. However, it’s this very reason I don’t wish to have phone calls with her.

The problem is I still feel a panic when I realize that something I’m going to do (even stuff she would never know about) could flip that rage switch. I’d love to see that habit of apprehension burn to a pure white ash while I dance naked in a shamanistic fugue state.

KarenE
KarenE
4 years ago

SWP, my Ex was more the constant criticism and moodiness THEN some real rage on top type of angry narc. That feeling of anxious anticipation took quite a while to go away! I hadn’t even realized how strong it was until one day months after I finally got him out of the family home, when I came home from work and immediately starting tidying a small mess in the entrance hall and thinking of how I could ‘manage’ the kids so they wouldn’t be pissing him off. AGH! He was SO in my head!

Fortunately, once I realized how strong that was, and that I no longer had to cater and tiptoe in order to try to manage his moods, I was able to deliberately let go of those feelings, when they rose up. I also LEFT the mess in the hallway and let the kids run a little wilder! That was a great way to affirm my freedom from his anger and criticism.

You’re right that the anger doesn’t have to be constant or even frequent; it’s the unpredictability that made it so hard to relax.

I am betting that by this time next year, there will only be ashes left of your apprehension! And the less contact you have with her, the faster that will happen.

Undiscovered
Undiscovered
4 years ago
Reply to  KarenE

This sounds very similar to my husband. He’s been on the charm offensive so long I forgot the anxiety.

Until the Friday before christmas when I walked in and saw the look on his face. He raged about the mess the kids had made (building dens in the living room) and how disrespectful they were to him.

Instantly the physical anxiety (lump in my throat, heart racing, cold sweat, teeth gritting) kicked in. How did I live with that for so many years?

Then I remembered that I am not managing his behaviour anymore. So I stood calmly watching him rant, feeling completely detached from his drama. Then just said “are you done?” And walked away. His jaw dropping was pure gold lol.

Then i went in the living room and said to the kids….”it looks like you’ve had fun today guys but would you mind clearing up so me and your dad can sit down, please?” They instantly jumped up saying “yeah course mum” and started tidying.

My son even said to his dad….”all you had to do was say please and talk to us with a bit of respect Dad”

It felt so good to not get dragged into his drama. He did then spend the rest of the evening making nasty covert remarks about me and women in general but I just replied with “uh huh” etc. While silently thanking him for reminding me why I despise him and need him out of my life.

brit
brit
4 years ago
Reply to  Undiscovered

Been there with the anxiety of anticipating ex coming home. I had people tell me that they could aways tell when ex was home by the tone of my voice over the phone.
I would feel so anxious and worried about what he’d find wrong and accept the fault finding and blame if things weren’t perfect. I’d dread him coming home wondering what mood he’d be in. Dreading the look of disdain if something wasn’t to his liking.
I went from being fun, light hearted and care free to an overly anxious, nervous, bumbling mess.

unicornomore
unicornomore
4 years ago
Reply to  brit

His “coming home” abuse wasnt bad until his big affair with Susan of Seattle, the affairs he had early in marriage (which I didnt learn about until he was dead) didnt get him as worked up as that one. I was like a frog in a pot and didnt realize how awful he was until I was expecting him home at midnight and at 11pm I was feverishly scrubbing the floor in the kids bathroom terrified of how he would react if he found it messy. It was a moment of clarity but it still didnt motivate me to change anything. It was years before I was away from that abuse.

FindingBliss
FindingBliss
4 years ago
Reply to  Undiscovered

So glad you’re getting him out of your life. Sounds like you handled it like a pro. Good for you. Keep on being strong!

I do remember the covert remarks about me and women in general. If they can’t get to you, they throw their net more widely

Undiscovered
Undiscovered
4 years ago
Reply to  FindingBliss

FindingBliss

Exactly and that way if I challenge him he can say “I didn’t mean you!” Or “I was only joking”

Yes I really hope I can stay strong for the storm ahead. In reality I just want to go find a cave to hide in and hope it all goes away on it’s own.

unicornomore
unicornomore
4 years ago
Reply to  Undiscovered

Oh UD, yes the “you have a bad sense of humor because you couldnt tell I was joking” excuse…horrid.

It was about 3 months after he died when some problem surfaced and I was sitting in my room contemplating the problem when I realized that was the exact time he would have stormed into the room and yelled at me about all my flaws caused the problem in the first place. (that was step one for every problem…assign blame to Uni). and yet that day, all I had to do was solve the problem.

Chumpalou
Chumpalou
4 years ago
Reply to  FindingBliss

Undiscovered,
I remember that feeling. Its fear. They rule people using fear as control. Very unhealthy. You handled him so well, as did your son. X treated me me like a servant much of the time; he thought he was the king. Now there is no anxiety or fear. Freedom is so wonderful; I pray you can experience it.

Undiscovered
Undiscovered
4 years ago
Reply to  Chumpalou

Chumpalou

Yes it took me a while to realise that. Isn’t it strange that I lived with it for years yet never saw it as a problem until I found out about the cheating. It’s like the blinkers fell away and I could see him for the monster that he is.

And I always considered myself to be a strong intelligent woman. When in reality I was an ignorant, quivering wreck.

I have seen glimpses of the freedom you speak of, when I am able to step back from the crazy and not engage, but as soon as I think about how I am going to tell him that I am divorcing him (later this month once i have my ducks in a row) the fear comes crashing back in.

Visions of a peaceful happy future keep me moving in the right direction. I just hope I can find the courage when the time comes.

KarenE
KarenE
4 years ago
Reply to  Undiscovered

Undiscovered, TELL HIM IN A PUBLIC PLACE or with another adult in the next room, and only tell him once you are MOVED OUT or able to sleep elsewhere (w/the kids, if you have minor children together) until you can move your stuff out.. A lot of people get violent when told this type of news, or later on when ‘discussing’ the situation. If he already scares you, that means he’s used to controlling you with his anger, and that can REALLY escalate when he realizes you are about to remove yourself from his control.

The other option is to move out, then send him an e-mail explaining. If he’s a HUGE jerk and deserves a little image management problem, you can always move out, then have him served with the divorce papers at work.

If you have ANY reasons to fear his anger, no matter how small those might be, call a Domestic Violence hotline to discuss how to make this important move SAFELY.

There’s a great assessment tool for risk of Domestic Violence here;

https://www.mosaicmethod.com/

Better to be cautious when not needed, than to feel scared but take that risk and perhaps pay a terrible price for it.

Chumpalou
Chumpalou
4 years ago
Reply to  Undiscovered

Undiscovered, your courage is already present!! I’m so happy you are getting rid of him!
I hear ya…I’m strong and fierce and independent too. But under the thumb of X, not so much, because I feared his rage. Living a life in which you are NOT QUIVERING INSIDE is the goal!!
You are doing great!! Please keep us updated :). There are good people for you here.

SmarterNow
SmarterNow
4 years ago
Reply to  Undiscovered

Its hard to confront and accept and maybe even harder to prepare for. Please don’t settle or start out thinking 50/50 split. Go for alimony for ALL the years you were married. Ask fir it to increase each year with cost of living and or his salary. Put in your decree he pays for counseling for you and kids and does transporting to and from sessions with kids. Cover college, camps, sports, school trips…
Put in he must pay rent if he stores stuff in the house and must pay for Dr. copays (if you’re the one who does all the care during illnesses and takes them to the dr then he should do the financial portion and pay for insurance and keep it at same level as it is now. He must have a will and live insurance with kids as beneficiaries not AP possibly turned wife. Get power to move if you want. You could get him to agree to this in a post nup when he’s still trying to get you to stay. I could go on and on what i wish i put in what became my divorce decree because just last week my once so so sorry, contrite ‘I’d walk through fire for you if you’d only give me another chance and I’ll starve before you ever go without” – ex just texted me and his two young daughters, “you guys are all assholes to me and i only have to do what is written in black and white so chew on that shit!” This because we were all home sick and didn’t respond to evry one of his evry hour texts.
When you go through and think of all these things and what your life will be filled with, you’ll see what he’s done to his family and your life and you’ll get angry and focused like you’ll need to be at certain points. Please go to a certified divorce financial advisor.

unicornomore
unicornomore
4 years ago

As a person who was subjected to abusive rage, I get it. Even with Cheater dead, I find myself getting anxious if Im in a situation where I might have gotten rage from him.

One thing I gave up during our time together was any joy in travel, he was a nasty abusive asshole when we traveled…the dynamic if being in a strange place with 3 kids and no normal setting or transportation left me very vulnerable (3 kids in a rental car at 11pm in a rainstorm in Bumfuck, Montana and he rages). During rages, he always insulted my value as a person & spouse and if he was driving, he endangered all of us and anyone else who shared the road with us at that moment.

Since he died, I have been to 16 countries and fallen in love with the adventure of travel. It is kind of a reverse of burning something…imagine the bonfire that was my life before…its like my passport fell off the pile only singed at the edges and I picked it up and said “Oh I will need this”.

ChumpedToTheMax
ChumpedToTheMax
4 years ago
Reply to  unicornomore

unicornomore- exact same thing from my ex- abusive rages, especially during holidays of vacation, like they need to ruin everything and make it all about them. I took a trip abroad alone after DDay 3 and it was so relaxing and enjoyable. Makes travel more fun without a abusive nutjob.

brit
brit
4 years ago

On vacations ex wouldn’t outwardly rage, he’d go quiet, distant, drag his feet, look sullen. To look at him you’d think he was at a funeral. He was a load who had no ideas or plans who lacked enthusiasm for any of my suggestions. He’d shrug his shoulders, like a moody teenager when asked what he’d like to do. He had this fake innocent look, that included making his eyes big and round, what? who? me? as if he was being victimized when I’d ask if something was bothering him. As if he had no idea of what I was talking about,
Yeah, I’d like to throw that in the fire…

SweetPotatoFlakes
SweetPotatoFlakes
4 years ago
Reply to  brit

That’s a really good description of my ex-wife when she was in self-pity mode at events or on vacation. She’d give obvious signs of something being wrong, but, when asked, she would act confused about why I could ever think such a thing. Finally she might say “I’m tired” or “my back hurts” in an unconvincing way.

This mode was typically reserved for when I was doing something I wanted to do. She made it seem obvious she didn’t want to participate, but would never admit it. I think she wanted me to draw that conclusion, take pity on her, and move on to something she wanted to do.

When it was her turn to do her activities, she’d be in full on charm mode, but also very selfish. She was having fun, so everyone must be having fun. I’d ask to leave or come back the next day and she’d say “I’m almost done” or “sure, just give me a few more minutes”. Then she’d happily continue as though I had never asked. It’d usually take several serious requests before she’d even think about it. Even then, she’d have the attitude of “you owe me”. No empathy at all that I was exhausted, hungry, sore, or whatever.

brit
brit
4 years ago

SweetPotatoFlakes, yes, if it was an event that ex was interested in or if he happened to be the center of attention his personality would be on the other end of the spectrum. (Like a Jekyll and Hyde).
He would go from being miserable to giddy with excitement. The best way to describe it would be exaggerated enthusiasm. Overly friendly, making what he’d think were funny remarks loud enough so others could hear. Looking to see who noticed, with loud, fake laughter.
I remember looking around at other people at these events and thinking no one else acts like this. He never acted this way behind closed doors.
That side of his personality reserved for impression management.
Looking back with time and distance between ex and I as an outsider it leans towards the personality of someone who is unstable.

madkatie63
madkatie63
4 years ago

Your ex-wife sounds like my ex-husband…

EnoughAlready
EnoughAlready
4 years ago
Reply to  brit

I could have written this!

Attie
Attie
4 years ago

Yep, I don’t miss that howling banshee rage AT ALL!

BurnBabyBurn
BurnBabyBurn
4 years ago

Funny, I literally held a ritual burning the day before my former husband was served with divorce papers. I gathered my “tribe” of about 30 women around me, and we sat outside and sent all that sh!t up into the cosmos. Love letters, moments from the honeymoon, emails, a photo of our family with kids ages 1, 4, and 8 when, by his reckoning, the 20 years of serial cheating began. Oh, and the flower wreath I made for my head on my wedding day. That burned spectacularly. It felt SO good. Now I am almost three years out from that day, and so abundantly happy in my
life that sometimes I can’t believe it. The Burning was a pivotal moment in my freeing myself from it all. Highly recommend.

LimboChump
LimboChump
4 years ago
Reply to  BurnBabyBurn

I love this! I sincerely want to know how you gained your tribe. 30 supporters?! Not having family around & being so psychologically abused that I felt people would side with him, I’m not sure about following through with leaving. The 3 things holding me back are money, a place to live, & trying to build up a network of people I feel safe with.

KarenE
KarenE
4 years ago
Reply to  LimboChump

LimboChump, my second recommendation of the day, to contact a Domestic Violence service. Psychological and emotional abuse ARE ABUSE, as is isolating you. They can provide a lot of help and info about finding a place to live, how to manage financially, and how to start building a good and supportive network.

You’re not alone in this situation, there are services available near you, I bet, and CN has your back.

BurnBabyBurn
BurnBabyBurn
4 years ago
Reply to  LimboChump

I am 2000 miles away from family, but I built my life working to better my community and church and I am
blessed with many friends who rallied around me! I never would have referred to them as a tribe, until a divorce group friend called them that. I loved the idea that I had a tribe, and still do. And I especially love the friends who chose sides (well, my side in particular). I have one friend, because her husband works with my former, who has declared they are “Switzerland”. Good for them. I still see her, but she is less and less a member of the tribe. And the ones who are on Team What’s-His-Name? Good riddance.

ChumpedPunk
ChumpedPunk
4 years ago

I bring my journals I filled with all the hate and anger after abandonment. And the Christmas socks he left at my doorstep for a birthday present to me (creepy and unwanted, I’m not a wearing socks kind of person.) I’ll keep the scrunchies he left for me too, the cats enjoy playing with them. But they get tossed in the trash when I find one in the catbox.

I’m also bringing rumballs for us to enjoy.

ChumpedToTheMax
ChumpedToTheMax
4 years ago

Just realized how much I have already burned or discarded. It was easier for me since I sold the house and moved, which was basically the only way to get ex-hoarder’s stuff out of the garage. I still remember the incredible relief and joy I felt the night I dumped the last of the garbage on the street corner, leaving enough room to park my new car in the garage!

Not sure what I have left except resentment of losing half of my pension to a jerk who couldn’t balance a budget on his own, who is so entitled that he needs to buy himself to best and most expensive things, all the while making sure I had the cheapest crap, broken down cars and gifts purchased from the local gas station. Once I let that go, I think I will have nothing left of our 20 year disaster.

SweetPotatoFlakes
SweetPotatoFlakes
4 years ago

Yes! Getting rid of the horded stuff!

While married I found a small cabinet shelf full of…wait for it…bubble solution. Around 20-30 random bottles of it! I got yelled at when I tried to downsize to a single large bottle.

When she moved out during our separation, all of them except one went into the trash! So very satisfying!

ChumpedToTheMax
ChumpedToTheMax
4 years ago

Very strange, but hoarding is something these nuts seem to have in common. Bubble solution, like to blow bubbles? lol!

I would pick up crap from around the house, put it in a nice clear container in the garage, he would then freak out, go in the garage and drag it all out, while ranting and raving to himself. Somehow that is a happy thought. He also would take people in our garage to show them the mess and tell them it was my fault. So glad the nut and his mess are gone! His cheating did me a great favor.

SweetPotatoFlakes
SweetPotatoFlakes
4 years ago

That sent me down a rabbit hole! Your post got me thinking and I found an interesting study about hoarding. For anyone interested it’s The Relationship of Hoarding Symptoms to Schizotypal Personality and Cognitive Schemas in an OCD Sample.

Without getting too deep in the weeds, it’s pretty fascinating. Hoarding is a symptom of certain mental disorders with certain symptoms. However the individual’s rating of those disorder’s symptoms correlate with significantly different other behaviours. This is what freaked me out.

“Interestingly, significant correlations were also observed between schizotypal score and the following schemas: emotional inhibition, subjugation, emotional deprivation, insufficient self-control/self-discipline, failure to achieve, and entitlement”.

It references a table that shows individuals with the above traits have a high score for hoarding, a moderate score for symmetry/order, and a much lower score for other OCD traits (i.e. contamination/washing, obsessions/checking, and superstitious)

Looks like I’ve got another red flag I can look out for…hoarders who are somewhat organized, but are not bothered by germs or superstitions and don’t double check or obsess over anything.

I know that seems really weird, silly, and trivial…but it fits perfectly with my ex-wife’s behavior.

Skunkcabbage
Skunkcabbage
4 years ago

Yep, XAss is a horder.

When I left I took as much as I could out of the remote village house I was leaving, but I had to leave a lot behind. I had to get a court order telling XAss he had to send me my stuff. I’m sure it will surprise no one how much stuff never made it to me because A) he couldn’t find it, B) it wasn’t mine, C) I’m delusional and that item doesn’t exist.

He’ll horde things that he can’t even use because he can. His excuse, “I might need it one day.” Yet everything is stacked, piled, pushed and shoved into every corner, shelf and cupboard so that it ends up lost, broken, ruined.

It’s gotten worse as he has aged. He now has at least 4 properties that are full of crap. I feel sorry for our son who will one day have to deal with it all. Feeling a slight twinge of guilt that I feel nothing but a sense of relief that I don’t have to deal with any of it ever again.

It seems that XAss has a classic Mommy abandonment syndrome that manifests as hording everything. Yet he actually hates woman. So he hordes his treasure, yet trashes the treasure. Much like a pack rat that piles up his horde and then pisses all over it so no one else will touch it.

If my son ever asks me for help, I will hand him a match. (After I remove my antique cupboard and Athabaskan beaded fur boots that I am sure are still there somewhere.)

SweetPotatoFlakes
SweetPotatoFlakes
4 years ago
Reply to  Skunkcabbage

“He’ll horde things that he can’t even use because he can. His excuse, “I might need it one day.””

I’ve heard the exact same excuse. A huge pile of post office mailer boxes took up a corner of our closet. We had never used them…not a single one. She ordered a case of them because, as far as I could tell, “they were free”. Absolutely could not get rid of any of them because of possibly needing them “one day”. These things are free for the taking at the post office. That portion of the post office is open 24/7. Just walk in and grab some. Still didn’t matter. I had to give up that corner of closet real estate so she’d never have to drive the 3 mile round trip to the post office, when and if we ever needed to use one.

skunkcabbage
skunkcabbage
4 years ago

What really got me was his insistence to save every single magazine he had in very large cardboard boxes. Its very wet and cold here. Mold is an issue. As well as space, we didn’t live in a very big house. So those boxes sat there getting filled with silver fish, damp and mold, but they had to stay because he might need to refer to an article one day. I’m talking hundreds of magazines. At least 6 boxes.

He didn’t appreciate me pointing out to him that each and every article would be able to be accessed (much more quickly and efficiently) online. You know, that cool electronic device, the computer, that he spends so much time on social media on?

I look around my small, but clean and neat apartment, and can breathe so much easier! Literally and figuratively!

ChumpedToTheMax
ChumpedToTheMax
4 years ago

Nope, not silly or trivial, they are all pretty much alike and we explain it away as best we can until we are hit in the face with facts. I did a lot of research too, it just helps to ease my mind because it really was him and he really was crazy and dangerous.

I once read a piece about the cycle of abuse, it hit me so hard that what I was experiencing was real abuse I started shaking and couldn’t stop for 3 hours, that was my body catching up with my mind I guess.

Shelly
Shelly
4 years ago

I’m going to sell the ring he bought me after first D Day. I loved that ring and deluded myself that he felt remorse for his stupid behaviors. I had a talk with myself to see if I could just keep and enjoy the beauty of the ring, but it’s so tainted. I think I’ll use the money to contribute to my daughter’s wedding fund. (And let it be known that it’s not been easy for her to even set a wedding date. Whether it’s been the damage of divorce or she just isn’t that very marriage driven young lady, I don’t know, but I support her eyes wide open view of marriage.) Thanks for helping me through 2019. It’s been something I look forward to all every weekday morning.

Wormfree
Wormfree
4 years ago
Reply to  Shelly

Maybe instead of selling the ring you love, you could have it redesig ned by a jeweler and transformed into something new.
I sold or gave away almost all of the jewelry the Worm/Apple flinger bought me. I had it appraised at 3 different places and got about half of what he originally paid for all of it.
I loved the diamond in my engagement ring and was going to sell it as well, but my best friend said, “Why don’t you have it made into something else?”
It was actually therapeutic to meet with the jeweler and transform that ring into the exact necklace that I wanted. I saw it as the ultimate FU to the Worm.

zyx321
zyx321
4 years ago
Reply to  Wormfree

I did this as well. Sold several rings for the gold, then designed a pendant from small stones in my engagement and promise rings. I do not really like gold, so I used white gold.

Susan Devlin
Susan Devlin
4 years ago

Endless sports programmes
Irish music
Him pretending his parents were nice
Trying to do diy but making things worse
He ate simple plain food, suppose there’s nothing wrong with that
Only he was allowed to be illl

Book and Dog Lover
Book and Dog Lover
4 years ago

My best friend has already planned a bonfire to coincide with my upcoming 50th birthday. Fuel for the fire to include:
1. The underdress from my wedding gown. I’d long ago donated the dress to charity, but I recently found the undergarment while cleaning out a closet at my parents’. The symbolism will suffice.
2. Wedding photos
3. A shoebox of momentos from the narcissist’s lovebombing stage.

I do wish I had some of the Christmas gifts my MIL had given me—a sketch of a water mill, frayed cardigan, framed stitched ducks, free perfume-sample-with-purchase (whatever she was discarding from her house)—but they were immediately dropped in the end-of-the-year donation box.

No dancing around the fire here. Just a quiet night in the backyard to bring an end to the first half of my life, so I can start living my REAL life.

chumpstar
chumpstar
4 years ago

I burned his TV trays – the ones that reinforced the habit of watching TV during dinner instead of at a table, talking to each other and the kids…. I knew better but compromised anyway, so I’ll burn my tolerance of his avoidant behavior and my regret about it too.

Now, how do I burn constantly thinking about him, trying to make things better than this?

KarenE
KarenE
4 years ago
Reply to  chumpstar

Mostly it’s about the time, chumpstar. I’ve always been a huge over-thinker, so you can just imagine how much I thought about that asshole and the situation he had put the kids and I in. I used to have entire conversations with him in my head, and sometimes even out loud!

It helped to actually write stuff down; then I didn’t feel I had to keep going over the same stuff again and again. My list of crap things he did, big and small, grew to over 130 points, in the couple of years after I kicked him out and through his fucking up his relationship with our kids.
Then just the passage of time and my life getting filled up with other things helped. And at one point I started stopping myself when I was going there again. Recognize the over-thinking, take a deep slow breath, remind myself of my mantra; ‘it is what it is’, and on with my day.

I hope you get to a more peaceful headspace soon!

SweetPotatoFlakes
SweetPotatoFlakes
4 years ago
Reply to  KarenE

I too have a list of “every terrible thing she’s ever done”. At least a hundred entries so far. I can’t believe that I still occasionally remember something that’s not on the list, so it’s still growing! You’re spot on about how writing it down helps let ruminating thoughts go. Once it was cataloged, I knew I could revisit it later. However I rarely did. It’s funny how some days certain memories would get triggered and I’d feel this overwhelming urge to chew over them for a ridiculous amount of time. Then later I could look it it and be confused about why it bothered me so.

That list is also great for any creeping doubts that I made the right decision to divorce or if I start to buy into the “practically perfect” persona she’s been projecting. I don’t even have to read the whole list before I get a firm sense of how unhealthy she was for me.

Stephanie
Stephanie
4 years ago

The fact that she turns on a dime on you and RAGES at you as she was taught to by her mother in a very calculating, controlling, manipulative way, is enough for me to know that you did the right thing. She’s an abusive asshole, but not in front of other people. That’s how a LOT of abusive assholes get away with their bullshit.

Anyone who knows my ex knows him to be mild and kind and oh-so helpful. They didn’t see the passive-aggressive, entitled, lazy prick that I was married to.

And your words about the hoarding have really touched a nerve with me, wow. Lots to think about with that one, hmmmm…. Thanks for chiming in.

chumpstar
chumpstar
4 years ago
Reply to  KarenE

Another cost of being married to that fragment-of-a-man was isolation, so thank you! I’m starting to realize how much of his nonsense I accepted without question – things that my friends would have immediately called BS on, but were invisible to me. Part of my overthinking has been to figure out my blind spots. Plus, I needed to process how much of a dick he actually is (not just a momentary bad decision kind of dick, but a calculating, fuck the au pair, lie for a decade, porn-addicted, alcoholic, abusive, then BLAME IT ON ME kind of dick!)

That said, I found some videos online toady about how thoughts shape experience and how (in a way) this creates reality. I’m skeptical, but I do believe that thinking about sparkledick all the time does make it harder for me to focus on the positive in my life – my kids, my work, my community and all the possibilities… I already paid a huge price for supporting that asshole, it would be a shame to miss out on more now, especially when I have control.

Thank you all – this site is helping me move forward more than any resource I’ve found so far.

NotbLUEinTC
NotbLUEinTC
4 years ago
Reply to  KarenE

“I used to have entire conversations with him in my head, and sometimes even out loud!”

I always bottled everything up, but since I’ve been speaking out loud the past few months, I’m so much calmer. Thanks for getting me further down the road to Meh with the mantra “it is what it is”. Focus on controlling what’s within my power to control.

ShePersisted
ShePersisted
4 years ago

I immediately threw away our bed. Too many bad memories. I upgraded to a king bed just for myself and now I sleep better than I have in years!

Margo
Margo
4 years ago

I will gladly bring the makings of s’mores and some whiskey to the bon fire. I have already burned up my wedding veil in my friend’s fire pit. I also took all of the paperwork to a shredding event. 7 years of emails and printed text messages that may have been needed for court while trying to divorce, along with the stacks of phone logs, text logs and other things I printed while I was in the policing stage. What a great feeling to expunge all of those things. The guys at the shredder truck though it was strange that I was taking pictures as the papers were tossed in the truck. I just smiled and walked away. I hadn’t felt that good in years.

Kintsugi
Kintsugi
4 years ago
Reply to  Margo

I’ll bring the Tom and Jerry mix to have with the whiskey.

CalGal1
CalGal1
4 years ago

I’m burning all preconceived notions of what I thought my life should look like by now.

Lola Granola
Lola Granola
4 years ago
Reply to  CalGal1

Best ever!

NewChump
NewChump
4 years ago

The twee cards and naff doggerel he wrote to celebrate certain occasions … in fact time to have a REAL bonfire for that crap … old bull sh*t burns a treat ????????????⚡????

Nemesis
Nemesis
4 years ago
Reply to  NewChump

New Chump,
I read your insight with a Scottish Burr & loved it because you’re so right!!! I love a good bonfire.

Lola Granola
Lola Granola
4 years ago
Reply to  Nemesis

Which reminds me: Saturday 25 January is Burns Night! How appropriate!

http://www.holidayscalendar.com/event/burns-night/

We should do this every year, even without haggis.

WaitingForTuesday
WaitingForTuesday
4 years ago

I’ve got a tub full of his baseball cards and bobble heads, I think I am going to sell them though, I just don’t know how all that works. Would I use Ebay??? Anyone have experience doing this? I would burn them or trash them, but I think they are actually worth a pretty penny. And for the record they are all legally mine now.

Sucker Punched by a Saffa
Sucker Punched by a Saffa
4 years ago

For the baseball cards check some of the auction houses. You’d be surprised what some collectors of sports ephemera are willing to pay !

neverachumpagain
neverachumpagain
4 years ago

See if there is a place near you who deals with sports memorabilia, they may be able to appraise the collection for you for free or for a small fee. They may even make you a good offer and take it off your hands right away.

WaitingForTuesday
WaitingForTuesday
4 years ago

Oh wow, that would be ideal!!! I will definitely have to look into that!

Martha
Martha
4 years ago

Yeah, definitely don’t just toss it out or donate it! You might just be sitting on a small fortune. Last year I sold a coat on Ebay for $500.00 that I bought for $100.00 in 1989! It helped pay for my daughters passport, two new backpacks and other items that we needed for our backpacking trip to Europe! 🙂 I have sold lots of things on Ebay. Before giving things away, I always check to see if someone is selling something like it on Ebay and also seeing if it’s worth my effort. Good luck!

LezChump
LezChump
4 years ago

I would search eBay first (make sure to select “completed auctions”) to see what your items have fetched recently, to see if it’s worth your time to list and ship. The main issue with card collections is that you’ll have to go through and figur out which individual cards are worth the most, and then bundle the rest into smaller lots (or try to sell the whole collection as a single lot). Best of luck to you!

WaitingForTuesday
WaitingForTuesday
4 years ago
Reply to  LezChump

Thank you so much!! My goal is to get rid of everything by the end of 2020, if I don’t sell it by then, I will just give it away!

ChumpTight
ChumpTight
4 years ago

I would be interested in knowing what you have for cards and bobble heads.

LezChump
LezChump
4 years ago

I really have thought about burning our ketubah (Jewish wedding contract), after divorce is finalized, except that it’s got a couple of friends’ signatures on it (as witnesses). And it’s an original, hand-drawn work of art. But I have no idea which of us will end up with it, or what we would do with it except to roll it up and keep it in storage. Watching the ketubah burn sure would feel cathartic, at least in the moment – it’s the most direct physical representation of our marriage, and, like our marriage (as it turns out), it’s very flammable.

newlywedchump
newlywedchump
4 years ago
Reply to  LezChump

I have no idea what to do with mine: Beautiful, hand lettered, one of my most prized possessions—I can’t bear to throw it away but I also can’t have an ornate version of our marriage contract in the living room.

newlywedchump
newlywedchump
4 years ago
Reply to  newlywedchump

Worst part is, I spent months saving up for it and designing it, and since he blew up our marriage in six months; I never even really got a chance to enjoy it. Same with my wedding and engagement rings. I loved them, and now they bring me nothing but pain. After 12 years of living with this man I really wanted to enjoy these momentos.

LezChump
LezChump
4 years ago
Reply to  newlywedchump

I hear you, newlywedchunp. Ketubahs are beautiful, and it’s very sad to see such works of art rendered useless. (Yet another shit sandwich!) We probably will save ours in case one of ours kids wants it, but I really hope they never want to display I think in their homes or anything like that, because that would likely be painful to see. I hope in a couple of years or so, my kids will be able to see that it was best for us to divorce. That will be a hard place for them to get to, I think, because they are really bonded to their other mother (STBX is my same-sex spouse), and she is very adept at impression management. It has been hard for me to trust that’s she sucks – though I do, now! – and I know a lot more about her deep-seated issues than my kids do. Am just hoping that my conversations about boundaries with my kids will rub off, or at least plant seeds that they might be able to use later in life.

newlywedchump
newlywedchump
4 years ago
Reply to  LezChump

Lezchump, wishing for the best for you and your kids. At least they have one sane parent.

NotbLUEinTC
NotbLUEinTC
4 years ago
Reply to  LezChump

If you have kids, I would keep and show them when they are older. The document would speak for itself–marriage is a commitment, with witnesses & not to be thrown away lightly.

NolongermarriedtoaJackass
NolongermarriedtoaJackass
4 years ago

My ex-husband and I started dating when we were 16 years old and got married when we were 23 years old. Total time together was 23 years– 17 years married. He had an affair with our live in nanny (he was 39, she was 23). He left in March, 2018 and the divorce was finalized in August, 2019. We share custody of our three kids. His OW/nanny/long term co-parent as he calls her, are living together. I have been slowly giving all the jewelry he gave me over the course of 23 years to our 10 year old daughter. Most of it is silver and my daughter really likes it. The divorce was high conflict and typical of what we see around here at CN. He is a narcissistic remorseless cheater. But I see no need to purge pretty things
my daughter could have.

madkatie63
madkatie63
4 years ago

I’d like to burn the term “long-term co-parent”. ????

NolongermarriedtoaJackass
NolongermarriedtoaJackass
4 years ago
Reply to  madkatie63

So would I. That is how he refers to her. He says she is his “long term partner and co-parent.”
My youngest child was 2 years old when his dad left
for the OW/ nanny. He still calls her “the nanny!”
Others on this site have said she is still the nanny to him, just now she is unpaid.

Kintsugi
Kintsugi
4 years ago

Hopefully, you’ll never hear him utter “bonus mom”

NotbLUEinTC
NotbLUEinTC
4 years ago
Reply to  Kintsugi

Kintsugi–I’ve appreciated your comments on this & so glad this topic came up, as it’s given me the heads-up. If I ever hear my kids say this, I want to come back immediately with a calm but firm reply.

Ruggermom
Ruggermom
4 years ago

I would like to burn the HPV he and OW gave me

jim
jim
4 years ago
Reply to  Ruggermom

Hear, hear!

I second that motion. I want to burn the HPV-based cancer she gave me and the financial ruin from fighting it off with expensive chemo/radiation/immunotherapy.

I also want to burn every trace of our 32-year marriage that ended in 2013. I keep running across things and pitch them in the trash as soon as I can.

She got mad that I would not keep the very large professional taken and framed pictures of us in “happier” times (while she was cheating) and save them for when i felt better about her.

They were in the trash almost the moment I put down the phone. No time like the present!

Ruggermom
Ruggermom
4 years ago
Reply to  jim

Sorry that happened to you Jim. HPV sucks-I know.

Kintsugi
Kintsugi
4 years ago
Reply to  jim

How short sighted of you. You could have drawn a bullseye around her face and then used it as a dart board.

MsNoMoreKibbles
MsNoMoreKibbles
4 years ago

I throw out the belief that anyone else has more knowledge about my needs, beliefs, or abilities than myself. My needs, beliefs, and abilities are personal, and my experiences are real.

IVoteForMe
IVoteForMe
4 years ago

This!

I have spoken to several well-intentioned individuals who have called me to convince me to try again. You have all the leverage! one of them told me. It’s all, “you can work this out!” until I give them a lay of the land. Then they are all dropped jaws and shocked gasps. I have denied my reality for far too long. Please step aside while I do what needs doing.

KarenE
KarenE
4 years ago
Reply to  IVoteForMe

And why, exactly, would you want to stay with someone you had to ‘leverage’ into acting like a decent person for a while? Someone you had to ‘leverage’ into seeming to care?

People don’t think this kind of comment through, before it comes out their mouth!

madkatie63
madkatie63
4 years ago

I’d like to burn my marriage certificate and his naturalization papers (who leaves something of that import with an angry ex?).

KarenE
KarenE
4 years ago
Reply to  madkatie63

Yeah, it’s weird how they still trust us, when they’ve proven to be so utterly, completely untrustworthy! My ex left all his important docs at the house, some for a very long time.

I guess it’s because they do actually know that Chumps are trustworthy and are unlikely to do something vindictive, despite our hurt and anger. Sigh.

NolongermarriedtoaJackass
NolongermarriedtoaJackass
4 years ago
Reply to  madkatie63

I thought of framing the marriage license and the final
divorce decree side by side. But I decided against that.

madkatie63
madkatie63
4 years ago

Yeah, go with a framed picture of you doing something awesome instead.

validated
validated
4 years ago

I found a few of his love bombing notes yesterday when cleaning out some files. The love bombing happened in cycles, not just at the start of the relationship. One note written during the separation had a lovely blend of love bombing and false accusations and self pity, things thrown out that used to hook me. Put them into recycling, not worth digging out to burn.

ICanSeeTheMehComing!
ICanSeeTheMehComing!
4 years ago

I actually did something like this virtual bonfire on New Years Eve… during the discard phase and while I lawyered up and found Chump Nation, I also created a Pinterest board named after Mr. Sparkles where I stored hundreds upon hundreds of memes about Narcissists, Cheaters, and my new found awesomeness. I kept it in the hopes that future girlfriends would discover it (a good Google search of his name would take you to it) and subsequently break up with him. (NOTE: this never happened to my knowledge, ha!)

I decided (maybe realized) that I’m finally at meh, truly and deeply, and I no longer need to keep that board… so I deleted it! FREEDOM for the new decade and new year… glorious meh 🙂

madkatie63
madkatie63
4 years ago

Damn…I was going to go check out that board. : )

Beau
Beau
4 years ago

All those boat-neck sweaters she knitted for me go on the fire. I told her I appreciated the effort to knit me sweaters, but I didn’t care for “boat-necks”particularly. She made them anyway because they were easier than V-necks or turtle-necks. Just another sour memory I don’t need.

IVoteForMe
IVoteForMe
4 years ago
Reply to  Beau

They always give you what they want you to have. It’s never what you need or asked them for.

NotbLUEinTC
NotbLUEinTC
4 years ago

Our first married Christmas in 1993, I was in law school and he was hotshot doctor just out of med school, so I obviously wasn’t bringing home any $$$. Dr. A**hat got me a cartoon book, “I Got A Job & It Wasn’t That Bad”. Flash forward to one month after DDay in 2017. For my 18 year old son’s high graduation party, Dr. A**hat purchased the out of print book “I Got A Job & It Wasn’t That Bad”. Dick.

I actually want to frame that cover!

FreeWoman
FreeWoman
4 years ago
Reply to  NotbLUEinTC

They are usually unsupportive ???? Just when you need them most! What I would’ve given for a partner who was my cheerleader. I hope your son is strong!

NotbLUEinTC
NotbLUEinTC
4 years ago
Reply to  FreeWoman

Thanks FreeWoman (your name says it all!)

My son is strong and gets it. His older sister (in psych ward when A**hat sent text meant for mistress to us) is manipulated by her father. It is a very challenging at the moment, but I’m stepping back and taking all her slings and arrows. When all is said & done, I’ll be the rock when she realizes her father is made of sand.

Madge
Madge
4 years ago

The “affirmations” I taught myself during wreckconciliation. I realized then how many of my thoughts were “I can’t stand this, I want out,” and instead of getting out, we went into couples’ therapy and I started trying to brainwash myself. Over a decade of it. It’s hard to uproot something planted that deep. I’ve been out for months, but sometimes I still hear “I love him, he loves me, and we’re going to be happy” go by in my head, and contradict it with, “I’m out, I’m free, I’m never going back.” I’m deprogramming myself day by day.

KarenE
KarenE
4 years ago
Reply to  Madge

Yeah, people forget that changing negative thinking doesn’t mean switching to UNREALISTIC positive thinking. Any affirmations or mantras we use have to be realistic and encourage FLEXIBILITY in our thinking. So it would have been worthwhile to tell yourself something like ‘I love him and I believe he loves me. I hope we can work this out and be happy together. But time will tell whether that works, and I know I will be OK however this ends up.’

And now you can just tell yourself’ ‘well, that sure didn’t work. On to a new phase in my life! I know I have the strength to get through this hard time, and it is only temporary’.

neverachumpagain
neverachumpagain
4 years ago

Too bad for that piano. It didn’t do anything wrong lol

RileyAgain
RileyAgain
4 years ago

Into a literal bonfire, I hurled old cards, books he gave me about healing a marriage from porn addiction and infidelity (incidentally, it was incredibly satisfying watching those pages curl as the fire licked and then withered then), a hideous blanket that his mother had gotten me with some saying about how a daughter in law completes a family. There were probably other things I burned….but those were the most satisfying.

Metaphorically, I am burning the feeling that I need to fix things for others, without any expectation for reciprocity. I am incinerating the idea that I can be held responsible for someone else’s happiness. I am setting ablaze the doormat that I had become.

Lastly, I am lighting a fire in my own life—a fire to be my best self, to restore the things about myself that he eroded over time, and to silence the voice inside my head that held me back.

Here’s to the best year yet, full of fire in all of its cleansing and galvanizing glory. Chumps, we’ve got this!

Ivebeencheated
Ivebeencheated
4 years ago

I’ve managed to get rid of the pictures on my computer and delete the emails. I’ve placed the 50 yrs (I met him at 14) of hard copied pictures, love letters, etc in a box for my daughter. Why I do not know. I’ve already burned the life size picture of him staring lovingly at me, barf !!! The very last thing I am letting go of is all the jewelry he has given me. Including my “good wife bracelets” He was told that in the Middle East a good wife gets a gold bracelet for their anniversary. I thought about sending them to the new wife but my therapist was totally against it… I only hope and pray I can put all of the past memories on the bon fire someday.

Beth Balance
Beth Balance
4 years ago
Reply to  Ivebeencheated

Sell the bracelets and use the $$ for something great for yourself….a trip maybe

FreeWoman
FreeWoman
4 years ago
Reply to  Ivebeencheated

The bracelet thing really gives me the creeps! Here you go, you’ve been a good wifey this year, and I think you’ve earned this bracelet!! Sets up such a benevolent master spot for the man. I was married to someone who saw me as a ‘thing’ and a total possession of his, so I hate this concept.
Equal loving partners is what I’m hoping for, not a gold reward system!

Miss Guided
Miss Guided
4 years ago

Something that makes me sad is that we got married standing on a hand knotted that my grandparents made. It’s beautiful and made with love and effort and supposed to be hung on a wall but I really can’t look at it in my home.
But I would like to burn the shoes he always leaves right in the middle of the floor upon entering, so that you need to step over them. And I want to burn this depression and anxiety and guilt I feel- for maybe giving up too soon? What if he really has changed? Am I breaking up the family? Buy I didn’t cheat and lie and have drugs delivered to our home. I want to get to meh.

Miss Guided
Miss Guided
4 years ago
Reply to  Miss Guided

Hand knotted rug that is..

Martha
Martha
4 years ago
Reply to  Miss Guided

Miss Guided, put the rug away so you don’t have to look at it. It was made in love by your grandparents, so keep it. Maybe one day you’ll be able to re-purpose it for something else or in a few years you’ll be able to look at it again.

He hasn’t change. They don’t change. You are not breaking up your family. The cheater broke up his family when he cheated. Do you want to be married to a liar, cheater and drug user? I hope the answer is no.

zyx321
zyx321
4 years ago

What to bring— I ditto the whiskey, and s’mores. I will bring hot chocolate for the non drinkers.
What to burn?
All the letters I wrote during false marital counseling, and all the cards and letters ex gave me. We were high school sweethearts who went to separate colleges, plus we spent time apart for work…. lots of letters and cards. (I really plan to burn them this spring.)

All the music CDs he ever bought (so many!) and all the bad kitchen juju— ex would spend hours making homemade meals for the family. I thought it showed how much he cared about us, though I asked him sometimes to simplify things so we could have more family time. He later admitted he did it to avoid interacting with me.

Cheated On
Cheated On
4 years ago

Besides selling the wedding band to a pawnshop (nope, didn’t need it anymore), and removing any printed images of us (incl. family portraits that hung around our previous house) and replacing them w/images of just my daughters and me, I also purged social media of any references of her from my libraries, either by editing her out of family photos, or altogether removing her and any tagging I did of her through the years. Having apps like FB send annual reminders of past events on the same day was not something I wanted to relive, so I started this process a couple of years ago. Yeah, it took awhile (editing hundreds of posts over the years), but I’m glad to say over the past 2 years, that when I get a daily reminder of past events on social media, her face or mention are not there. I can’t burn the memory of her out of my mind, but any visual deletions help.

Small things like this help in the healing process, along w/just purging my friends list of her family and friends who I’ve heard took her side.

Chumptopia
Chumptopia
4 years ago

I already had a bonfire right after Dday. I burned every single mushy card that he ever gave me along with our wedding pictures. I had a fake marriage, married to a fake man with a fake life.

Fireball
Fireball
4 years ago

I need to do another search of my house to see if I missed burning anything the last 5 years. Married to a serial ah cheater 32 years and surviving that along with the high conflict divorce, I thought I left no stone unturned. But I will admit it is an awesome feeling to rid my soul of anything related to him. He basically abandoned ship during the divorce and thought that he would be able to waltz back into our home and take what he wanted. WRONG! I changed the locks 2x and put all of his clothing in back out in the garage. He thought wrongly that I was going to be that nice gal he married and abused emotionally with cheating, lying etc. When I would get bored I literally did burn in the wood stove, all of his legal documents, birth certificate, passport, childhood baby book, multiple photos, pics of his family, all cards, fake love letters, books, paintings and many many other items. As I run across anything that triggers me I immediately get rid of it. My eyes Wide Open look at “things” very different now and for my sanity I don’t care of the value it holds. I should have held more value to him as his faithful wife and mother of our 3 adult kids and grandma to the grandkids. He didn’t give 2 shits about leaving me why should I give a shit about Stuff!
Sorry Not Sorry :). Happily ever After

Survivor
Survivor
4 years ago

Nothing for the virtual bonfire this year. But something heartwarming to share. Now dead cheater ex’s favorite niece reached out to me at Christmas, sharing her love and family news, and I nearly melted. So, as intent and thorough as an entitled asshole may be at scorching the earth around his or her former chump, the damage may not be complete or permanent. Hugs to you all, and hopes that along the way a beloved flower blooms again in your path.

KarenE
KarenE
4 years ago
Reply to  Survivor

What excellent news, Survivor! I hope that other relationships with people you cared about, that he tried to undermine, also bloom again!

Chumptastic Voyage
Chumptastic Voyage
4 years ago

*A ridiculous assortment of hair products for “pompadour” upkeep;
* A Chapbook, authored by him. It reads like a narcissists field guide;
* Large set of rechargeable batteries, because you know, we chumps “are always missing the essentials at home”;
* And yes- those fucking screwdrivers. Watching those rubber handles sizzle in the fire. In every assorted size.

It’s hyping my morning to think about a couple hundred chumps just hanging out together-around a giant bonfire.

DejaBlue
DejaBlue
4 years ago

The idea that I don’t deserve a respectful, loving partner because I have a ‘difficult personality’.

madkatie63
madkatie63
4 years ago
Reply to  DejaBlue

Yes—burn that one to dust.

MissBailey
MissBailey
4 years ago

I moved into my new home in September and finally went through all pictures that moved with me including the one year in an apartment. Just realized that I have no wedding stuff. I either threw it away when I moved out is my marriage home or left it there for the Dickhead to deal with. The only memento I have is the marriage certificate in case I need it for legal reasons.

I wish I could throw all the joint furniture that I now have into the dumpster but that will be down the road. No sense in getting rid of something I still need and use.

SpecialSnowflake ha!
SpecialSnowflake ha!
4 years ago
Reply to  MissBailey

You will need it when applying for social security benefits, unfortunately. As well as the divorce decree. We had to produce all 4 wedding certificates, divorce decrees and death certificates on Grandma’s 4 marriages. That was a nightmare getting copies of all that.

NotbLUEinTC
NotbLUEinTC
4 years ago

I purposely left all my wedding photos behind, only to have A**hat give to the kids to sherpa during the divorce. So now they sit in my attic………………..waiting for the day.