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Derrick Jaxn, The Latest Unicorn

The Reconciliation Industrial Complex has a new star — “self-love guru” now busted serial cheater, Derrick Jaxn.

Seen here in a hostage video with his chump wife, squeezing the life-force out of her arm, lest she flee, or have full oxygen flow to her brain, he offers that why yes, he did cheat. And it was the full menu! (squeezes harder) Sex… sexual flirtation… meeting up with people from “past encounters.”


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A post shared by Derrick Jaxn (@derrickjaxn)

I have to pause here to wonder how this man can gesture while simultaneously keeping a death grip on poor Da’Naia. She’s like a windsock tethered to an airbag.

Anyway, this is not the “Biblical standard” Derrick is “living up to now.”

Right this minute! Since he got busted… um, a couple weeks ago.

Derrick would like you to know the “Derrick Jaxn is not exempt from consequences.” Yes, he refers to himself in the third person. THAT guy is getting consequences. I’m not sure what they are exactly, except a thousand parody videos on youtube, but whatevs.

Two weeks before his big I Am a Douchebag But Now I Found Jesus, moment he was marketing his book.

Introducing…. Heal Together Without Hurting Each Other!

Derrick writes:

Why this book?

Quite frankly, because marriage is under attack. The belief in it, sacredness of it, and capacity to stay married; all of it is under attack.

Uh Derrick, I think your marriage is under attack by your dick.

But back to this Stockholm Syndrome training video.

I like where Derrick pauses from car salesman pitch mea culpa (Did I say these bucket seats come in leather? Okay, they’re naugahyde, but that was before I knew Jesus…) and asks Da’Naia if she would like to say anything. (SAY SOMETHING DA’NAIA. WE HAD A SCRIPT.)

Da’Naia says this other women thing is unacceptable. And she threw Derrick out (time line on this? Days? Weeks? Between sentences?) but then she took him back when she saw there was a “shift in his mentality.”

Uh uh. What channel was it? Rage, charm, or self-pity?

Da’Naia: “There’s nothing out there, information that I don’t know about.”

Oh my poor chump friend. There is ALWAYS shit you don’t know about. I wouldn’t trust Derrick to water a houseplant.

Meanwhile, you were always on his mind. (This is the oldest Stupid Shit Cheaters Say.)


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A post shared by Derrick Jaxn (@derrickjaxn)

Da’Nai, we’re always here for you when that fucking-around-makes-a marriage-stronger-bullshit spell wears off.

Meanwhile Heal Together Without Hurting Each Other is on sale. Discount.

Ask Chump Lady

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  • Yikes, I bought one of his books some time back. It was really wafflly hard work and I didn’t finish it. It did all seem a bit “too-much to be true”

      • It is just how I get notifications of comments. Usually when I get up I just put “follow” rather than making a comment (same thing) but I am not awake yet, so I do it that way. The word doesn’t mean anything, I could also just type a few random letters.

  • I subscribed to his YT channel after I left my abusive relationship, so a bit over two years ago. I don’t do any other social media but I didn’t even know, based on his videos, that he was married! It’s an absolute mess and the wife has the C-PTSD start of a victim of narcissistic abuse.

    Now I can see the red flags, when I think back about his videos but before all this exploded, nope, nada. My picker still sucks I guess.

    • ME TOO! ???? I used to watch his YT videos to help me navigate the new online dating world after my last ex-cheaterpants left. Thank you chump lady for always keeping it real, you have been a godsend.

    • Don’t be hard on yourself. I watched Jaxn’s videos too – I found his advice helpful and his manner very down to earth. He seemed to have a sophisticated understanding of people and relationships. Nothing set off my alarm bells either, not even the fact he didn’t show his wife onscreen. He once said his wife wanted to stay private, and that made sense. He didn’t seem to be hiding her existence.

      But here’s the thing: it’s not your picker, you just didn’t have an opportunity to see this guy’s behavior CONSISTENTLY. And consistency is key to evaluating a person. Anybody can be “on” for a 5-minute video. Anybody.

      And Jaxn didn’t experience nearly the scrutiny that other public figures do. He was just a YouTube influencer who self-published a book. Hardly a statesmen or even a movie star with paparazzi following him.

      It goes to show you that narcissists can fake normal real well. The only real green flag is consistency. How are they in ALL areas of their life? And is the good behavior an act or their standard operating system? You find that out over time.

  • Da’Naia looks so sad and numb….and he looks and sounds just like they all do, insincere liar.

  • Odd…the link works, although it looks like comments might have been disabled. But this video doesn’t appear on his page if you go directly through Instagram.
    Maybe he changed his mind on has decided that that guy “Derrick Jaxn” he keeps referring to in the 3rd person isn’t doing himself any favors by playing the “see, I’m honest” card?
    Shame…I was kinda hoping to read some juicy comments on Instagram (or post a few myself) ????

    Feel free to correct me on this by ALL means! I’m not great at navigating Insta.

  • Don’t forget good ol Chris Hogan from the Dave Ramsey show, sleeping around with half the town. He was given a pass by Ramsey though since his upcoming book tour was scheduled to make tons of money and all. smh

    • Wow! I just googled it all. I’m an avid DR plan follower, but I didn’t know all this was happening. What a disappointment….that Chris was such an ass and that Dave and his company are behaving the way they are.

  • Derrick Jackson, I mean Jaxn (HUGE ???? flag with the “I’m special and unique” name spelling) is a Jackass. I’ve been listening to H.G. Tudor’s soothing plummy accent in HIS YouTube audios on narcissism and he did a few on Dickhead. H.G. is a diagnosed narc and unpacks narc behavior.

  • I hate him with the hate of a thousand suns. I used to follow him on Facebook. A friend of mine had posted one of his motivational videos, and after the last divorce, I kind of liked the way he told women to hold their heads up and be proud of themselves and not settle for less. I thought it was good that he was all about enforcing your boundaries and having high standards. Then *this* happened. I actually went and blocked him on Facebook, I was so angry. I fucking trusted that asshole, and it was all a big steaming pile of bullshit the whole time. That goddamn rat bastard. I hope his wife wises up, lawyers up, and takes him for every penny he has. I hope he rots in hell with every incurable STD known to humanity. I wish I could push him down an infinitely long staircase littered with an infinite amount of sharp little LEGO pieces. For infinity!

    • “I hope he rots in hell with every incurable STD known to humanity. I wish I could push him down an infinitely long staircase littered with an infinite amount of sharp little LEGO pieces. For infinity!”

      I wish I knew how to do emojis on here – I love your LEGO scenario!

      FWIW, I NEVER trust these types of guys “here’s how to ……” giving advice to women. I always assume they are rat bastard lying pieces of shit!

    • That look is the typical narcissist smirk. “Fooled ya!”

      I hope someone tells his poor wife about LACGAL, and Chump Lady.

      Incidentally, isn’t it typical narc behaviour, for all these so called ‘celebrities’ – they just can’t wait to get their revolting selves *publicity*!!! All kibbles are good kibbles…

      Here in the UK, that fatuous twat narcissist arsehole Boris Johnson has been outed (again) by one of his whores, who gleefully tells the world how they fucked on the living room sofa whilst his wife was away.

      Not that I feel any pit for her, since she was an OW herself. Karma bus! ????????

    • “I’m going to refer to myself in the third person . . .” because it allows me to convince myself that it’s somebody else that’s the asshole.

      • The whole third person thing got extremely weird when he proceeded to compliment himself. WHAT?!!! Maybe he forgot that he was actually talking about himself … you know, the asshole cheater hypocrite guy in the mirror?!!

    • Thank you for sharing! The “reaction” video was one of the most cringeworthy things I sat through in a loooooong time. The cognitive dissonance is so strong he can’t even refer to himself as “me”.

  • That poor woman. Like watching a hostage crisis in real time. There should be a Chumplady SWAT team decked out in black that can swoop in and rescue her (they could send in a remote control UBT on tank treads like a bomb robot, to decode his bullshit).

    Also, whenever someone says, “I’m going to be real with you,” whatever comes next is definitely not real. Truth tellers don’t need to tell you they’re telling the truth.

    • Let’s find her mailing address and Ill send her a book. Got a couple of them including, if she is religious, baskerville’s book. Not sure how to look that up.

    • The ex texted me after we left that he needed to talk with me. The next text was- I will be nice.
      Next was a voicemail. nice!
      No contact was my move because anyone who feels the need to tell me that, has already shown me what they are capable of.

  • I’ve had plenty of time and (and there’s plenty of fodder) to think about people I respected who have done heinous sexual actions. They seem to come from all walks of life (politicians, filmmakers, television stars, evangelists, Roman Catholic Cardinals, Civil Rights leaders).

    I still struggle with admiring someone’s body of work and the cognitive dissonance of finding them personally despicable.

    It’s no wonder I was able to live with a cheater and have kids with him and find it difficult to leave.

    • As a professor of literature for three decades, my observation is that a person’s body of work is not separable from their personal life. CL’s recent posting on Woody Allen is a perfect example. How many films of Allen’s gave us a window into his fixation on younger women and his willingness to prey on them?

      • I agree it is difficult, especially once you know about it. There was a segment on CBS Sunday Morning Show last Sunday about Separating the Art from the Artist .that discussed this issue.

        My problem is if the work of art (book, music, film etc) is great, and the artist is an ass, do you disregard the work that moves you? Can you resonate with it, and not be damaged by its creator?

        I try to block information about the artist if I like the art, because they are often disappointing as people.

        • I draw a line at hagiography – worshiping any human being as a saint. Nobody is perfect, and if we take anyone to be a role model in some area of life, we must be aware of their human frailties. For example, it bothers me when people extol Martin Luther King Jr., who was a cheater and appears to have been complicit (at the very least) in the abuse of women. I would prefer to celebrate the contributions of many individuals to the civil rights movement, instead of anointing a single figurehead. When it comes to my favorite artists, John Lennon was misogynistic cheater and a homophobe who abandoned his first wife and child. Most notable male artists of the modern era have behaved “badly” according to the standards of their times, and that bad behavior often involved mistreatment of women and other subordinates in their lives. (Of course, I’m not saying that women can’t be abusive as well – just that most famous artists have been men.)

          I have my own personal standards for deciding which art I can still enjoy, given what I know about the artist, but I do not proselytize. Others can make their own decisions about what makes them comfortable, as long as they have the facts – so, a few years ago (before Cosby went on trial), a (white male) Facebook friend tried to present Cosby as a role model, and I felt an obligation to inform him about the many allegations against Cosby over the years. I have clear standards for myself: I personally cannot enjoy art associated with people who have abused children. So, no more Michael Jackson or Woody Allen for me, personally. I still listen to the music of John Lennon, though, since there’s no evidence that he abused children, and the wife & son whom he abandoned unveiled a memorial to him a while back – and they had the greatest right of anyone to hold him to account. Lennon’s earlier misogyny and homophobia seem to have been precipitated by his own inner demons, and he did seem to mature regarding those issues in the years before his death. If I totally cancel (for myself) any artist who was an asshole, I will have very little art left to enjoy in my life.

          I just read an opinion piece in Essence about how many Black women are feeling betrayed by Jaxn. The piece specifically said that he invited people to consider him “infallible,” and that many people actually bought that persona. To me, that’s a clear red flag. Given my life experience, I’m now totally allergic to anyone who solicits acolytes or who is holier than thou. As for personal boundaries: you couldn’t pay me enough to date anyone who stands to profit by maintaining a public image.

          • Thank you for that thoughtful comment, @LezChump. And I agree on all points. Most things I can still appreciate and enjoy as a piece of art/music/etc. even if they were created by a total jerkface, and some I can’t. Actively staying up on who’s “okay” or “not okay” to like an any given moment is exhausting, but in some cases where a big part of the art itself IS that person’s whole identity / persona, it makes it harder to keep enjoying it (let alone spend money on it).

            • I know what you mean.

              L. M. Montgomery wrote once about Byron (mega shit) that in order to enjoy his poetry, she had to say to herself that God had made him an instrument, and even though the instrument was rotten what came *through* it was beautiful. Something like that, I don’t remember exactly, but I take her point.

              • Thank you for sharing that comment. Byron was pretty horrible. It helps to think of him, and others, as instruments. Frank Lloyd Wright was despicable, but his architecture is fascinating.

          • As much as have admired and almost worshipped some artists and creators, when I find out they have done henious things to their supposed loved ones–I dump them. I can’t reconcile the art with the harm. Had too much prior experience trying to do the cognitive dissonance dance.

            • I saw Barry Mannilow (yes that dates me lol) interviewed years ago. The host of the talk show asked him if his lyrics came from deep personal experience. He said no, he just writes what he thinks people want to hear.

              I found that very funny.

          • Regarding your last paragraph about the Essence article… unfortunately in the Black community, we (mostly the women) grow up being taught to revere men, especially if they’re holding a bible. And Derrick was one of those “rare” Black men who was vocally standing up for women, so too many women put their hopes into him that it is possible to find a faithful, attractive and upstanding Black man.

            For me, I know a fraud when I see one because I was surrounded by so many in church, but the hold is strong when the hopefuls are low-key desperate to believe in the delusion.

            As for separating the art from the artist, I make a habit of not watching their interviews, especially male musicians. I’m a lifelong fan of so many bands, but have no idea what the members’ names are. Also, I assume that they’re all debauched to varying degrees so that I won’t be surprised if anything untoward is unearthed.

        • I saw Manhatten as a teenager & knew the relationship between the characters was way off. I kept thinking where are her parents? It wouldn’t have flown in the home where I grew up.

          (I was given the DVD as a gift years ago & often play the opening segment with Rhapsody in Blue playing while iconic scenes of NYC are shown. I then shut it off.)

      • Indeed: see: William Burroughs; Pablo Picasso; Jackson Browne … too many to list, in all forms of art & public life. Hint (and this will be no surprise to you Adelante) it’s because misogyny, and I’m gonna go with patriarchy, are scaffolding for the culture. No, that doesn’t mean that men can’t abused, d’uh. It just means there is a cultural and social structure in place to support, encourage (even), or mainly–justify, forms of abuse against women. Why yes, I was a sociologist in a former life. Does this academic field make my butt look fat?

        • Ernest Hemingway.

          So glad Martha Gellhorn escaped him. Mostly. But I dislike that she was knowingly his fuck buddy for four years first.

          Martha and Ernest were married for five years…
          … but their on-again-off-again affair began four years prior while Ernest was still married to his second wife.

          At least it appears she didn’t cheat on Hemingway while married to him, or her second husband.

          • A general reply from the UK (another sufferer from Boris-aversion syndrome). The authors etc admired by the ex were a red flag. All the male names mentioned above plus others. He congratulated himself on how cultured he was. He had never read a book by a female author when he met me. He hadn’t read many more when he left me. His taste in comedy was entirely misogynistic and that made me feel uncomfortable from the start. I turned a blind eye. His role models within the legal profession (he is a barely adequate solicitor) are also, without exception, cheaters. Fair enough, they are not hard to find!

            So many red flags. I lived and didn’t learn until I found CL and my like-minded real life Warrirors.

        • I could be wrong, but I don’t think your field of study will make your butt look fat! LOL!

          When I try to explain patriarchy and misogyny to my sons, they often give me that look a dog does when he turns his head to the side and hears sounds I cannot hear. The sound somehow keeps the dog from understanding what I am trying to communicate, or perhaps it is just more pleasant.

          Sometimes the messages are so subtle the entitled do not even consider them, because their life is not restricted, or they have some BS notion that we are being protected. The only time in my life I ever felt I absolutely needed help and protection was in he last stages of pregnancy, first few weeks of recovery from childbirth. I did not feel I could give birth in the field, then get up and resume harvesting the crop. Perhaps I am not as strong as I think, but I also have seen grown, strong husbands whine and cry and go to bed with a cold. This makes me think they need protection. Perhaps from me.

          In my working lifetime, I have seen great strides in some professions that were dominated by men when I was young, and now are more likely to be dominated by women. But it is a very selective list, and still the top of the work pyramid is male dominated.

          In terms of partner selection and expectations, I find men are often clueless . They tend to think in extremes. Madonna, or whore. Gold-digger or Heart of Gold. Overbearing, or subservient. They don’t seem to understand that sometimes a woman has to be a “bitch” to get her job done, although a man can be a “tricky bastard” in a good way. They ask questions that make no sense, like “Why would you want to serve in combat?” without acknowledging that combat experience is required for promotion. If you do interject into a male dominated area, can they really believe you are “asking for it.” If you want it, why do you have to be forcibly held down to get it? At this point, I feel a lot like the dog hearing a distant sound.

          I know some artists are terrible humans. But sometimes a joke is funny, sometimes a song connects to my heart, sometimes a movie or tv show gets a moment just right. I am a flawed human, I make mistakes every day. Often I regret my mistakes. I also am transported to another dimension when I sing, or hear beautiful music. I don’t care, or even think about whether the musician is an ass. In that moment, the music takes over. I did not create my voice, it has been inside me all my life. Perhaps it comes from another source that is bigger than I am? I don’t know. But I can be a bitch if I need to, and I can sing like an angel when I get a chance. I’m not a whore, or a Madonna. I think we just have to deal with the inconsistency.

        • Misogyny, yep.

          Back a million years ago when I was getting my MA degree, I was writing a thesis on Tennyson, until I discovered that he used to take young women out walking on his estate on the Isle of Wight, and, during the walk, at some point he’d stop, point down at his feet, and say, “My bootlace is untied,” just so the woman would kneel at his feet. That was it for me. I canceled the 6-hr thesis and opted for two additional classes instead.

          • I remember you posted this before, Adelante. Made me look at Tennyson in a whole new unpleasant light. (rotten *instrument).

            Also reminds me of ex fucktard, after he’d come round to tell me his texts about fucking his rat faced whore were “just lad’s banter! Nothing happened!”, sitting down and asking me to untie the laces on his work boots.

            There really is an uncanny similarity in what these pigs say and do. ????

            • “sitting down and asking me to untie the laces on his work boots.

              There really is an uncanny similarity in what these pigs say and do. ???? ”

              Yep, when I think of the years I spent washing his clothes, cooking for him, running his errands, doing his volunteer work to help him in his career. He had been running with the rat faced whore for almost half of our marriage. I am sure she wasn’t the only one, but from what my son recently told me; he had been screwing around with her for at least the last six years of our marriage, likely more. Two totally different lives, and I was clueless.

              I remember the night I started to catch on after begging him to tell me what was wrong (Oh it is just job stress) Anyway, an incident happened at our local park, and later in his park office in front of my best friend and I, he said “Susie wouldn’t believe I was cheating, unless I told her” The words were bad enough of course; but the smirk on his face was the worst. That was the last day of October, Christmas day was Dday, and he moved out Jan 2.

              It would be years before I began to figure out that I was dealing with a monster.

            • Men expecting their wives/girlfriends to cut their toenails for them. Do they reciprocate in kind ?

      • Did you ever read composer Dmitri Shostakovich’s grumpy autobiography, “Testimony” about surviving under Stalin? He makes the same point in a chapter that begins with my favorite first line of any chapter of any nonfiction book: “I hate Toscanini.”

        I worked in a high-stakes creative field and have carried that book around with me since college. Especially when I was really young, it was so easy to get bamboozled by the big divide between public image and private behavior, between merit, accomplishment and character in various icons I had the “luck” of meeting and working with. When almost all turned out to be pervy, coercive nightmares, I felt like my brain would explode and I’d reread that chapter and poems by Shostakovich collaborator Yvegeni Yevteshenko like “Fury” or “Fear.” The book of poetry had been given to me by someone who had walked that road already.

        I related so much. I guess you could say I worked under a rapey, creepy rendition of Stalinism in that notoriously undemocratic field. There weren’t any gulags or knocks on the door but there were real risks and a similar danger of losing perspective that Shostakovich documents in the sad stories of artists who cracked up in the Soviet era. What would always shake me back into shape was the realization that no creative work is worth destroying the life of the most obscure person. Also I realized that without being founded in human value, the work of even the most technically talented person would not be their best or “the best.” Shostakovich simply refused to believe that sadists and bastards could produce or even identify genuine art. Some might find that debatable but I think in terms of judging the quality of work in his own field, he was particularly well equipped to do so.

        • What a beautiful comment, thank you for sharing this. Makes me want to read the book!

          It also makes me relate to the ex whom I admired so much in the beginning. I admired the fact that he dedicated his life to music – the most noble idea I could think of – and being so gifted all while remaining (falsely) so humble.

          With that experience behind me I just feel stupid I put him on that pedestal and his performance now seems fake and empty to me. Once you find out what they are like behind the curtains you cannot under it. Yet of course many people will continue to admire him, and happily be acquainted to him and the prestige that he represents.

          More than reading him, this also makes me want to relisten Shostakovich!

  • The 3rd person shit is hateful. He owns none of his behavior. He’s a pig by any stretch but if you add in what he’s selling it’s beyond reprehensible. Da’Nai’s face says it all.

  • It’s using God as a get-of-jail-free card that infuriates me.

    This poor woman. She’s in for a world of hurt because he will cheat again and do yet another self-promoting, insincere mea culpa. He’s just “human” after all. Oh brother.

  • My sons introduced a term to me which I think describes this type of person. They “Humble Brag.” While confessing to only the things you already know, or things that are public record, they all say “I can’t believe I did that, it’s not the real me.” But it is the real them, and they sheepishly grin while admitting to what you already know. Their body language says, “See how many others want me, see how easy they are to fool. See why you are so lucky to have me. If you don’t watch it, you’ll lose me. I am so wonderful and desirable.”

    I have seen this phenomena in churches. When a church member (sometimes the head preacher) is outed, suddenly the devil tempted, and he was swayed, but Jesus saved him by forgiving his sins! We all need to be like Jesus and forgive his sins! He has so much righteous work to do! The church members praise his new life in the name of the Lord. He is glorious, for awhile, but then must move on to some new congregation or heavenly task, where they do not know about his past. Then he does it all over again.

    It is false remorse. It serves a purpose, avoidance of consequences. We want to believe in redemption, and I am not saying it is not possible, but I am saying it is not probable. Sadly, our core personality is formed very early in our life. As I have aged, I have come to the opinion that some people are born with a personality flaw. I don’t know how to explain some actions, without this being true. At any rate, I found that ANY attention is better than NO attention to these folks. They need to be the focus, and will never settle for less. Even as they say Mea Culpa, they really don’t believe they are in the wrong, it is just another con. They do not ever plan on being anything other than the totally selfish person they are. They think we are fools to give them another chance to betray us again, and they already have a plan to take , take, take, until they get caught again. When they sense the tolerance is waning, they make an exit plan, and move on to the next gullible group. They are born predators. We are the next meal.

    I do not mean to be offensive to any particular religious belief. I am just most familiar with Christian churches, particularly in the southern US. I am sure the same type of agenda is played out in religions around the world. Cons figure out how to play the system. The rest of the world is their mark.

    • I agree with you Portia. I really do believe the ID is there from birth. If the person is a good person, then they don’t screw people over. And those that do screw people over, they’ll do it again because that’s who they are. I like to believe people change, but I’m just so skeptical. People make mistakes, even good people, because we’re human. But mistake after mistake after mistake…, well those ‘mistakes’ are choices. “When someone shows you who they are, believe them.” I’m very glad that CL and CN is here. It took the blogs here to realize that continuous mistakes were actually just choices. And I’ve since erected boundaries and will no longer tolerate those people that continuously ‘make mistakes.’

      • Completely agree, Amazon Chump.

        Liars lie and cheaters cheat. It is just a truism of life. People who don’t suffer consequences continue on as-is and even get worse as they age. And when I say “suffer” I actually mean “suffer”. My FW father (FWF) was punished a lot as a kid. His mom hit him a lot and I think he was “oppositionally defiant” as a kid. His punishment did not make him suffer so he just continued on and got worse and worse over the years.

        A “family secret” that I found out recently from my mother (I don’t even think FWF knows this) is the reason that FWF’s own father was put in a mental institution for years and had shock therapy. Apparently paternal grandfather threatened to kill FWF and FWF’s mother. Honestly, knowing FWF perhaps he was just so exasperating that grandfather couldn’t take it anymore. Or maybe FWF did something really bad (versus chronically being an asshole), like sociopath-wise, that made grandfather threaten that.

        We’ll never know. But it also doesn’t surprise me.

        • I think the generational thing is passed down, so the grandfather was most likely doing it as well. Young kids learn to be like that.

          I’m now struggling with my own daughter’s entitlement (yes, she’s a teenager and there’s some normalcy in that), but she seems to have little empathy. Last night she wanted to plug her iphone into the wall at the spot that I was sitting, so she asked me to move, and when I say asked, it was more like “can you move!”. This develops out of self protection. Their brain has got messages that shuts down their ability to empathize, which after living with my FW ex (of only a few months) husband abusing everyone and acting like that, I see I’ll have a bit of a road ahead of me turning this kid around. And to be honest, I had my days of self protection too, when I really did shut down being a sane parent for a while, after so much emotional abuse and stress combined from work life and my own parents being unsupportive and controlling.

          I had to cut off my parents as well as FW in order to get back to sanity. This is really the only way to break the code of generational dysfunction.

          No parent says they want to kill their kid or wife. Definitely abuse, no matter what.

    • After I completed and realized the “choose me dance of grief” was futile, I stayed a few more years trying to figure it out. One of his parting shots that really could be the epitaph of our relationship was, “I knew that wasn’t going to last but I didn’t care about you. I just put my hands behind my head and took everything you had to give.” That was brutal and probably one of three truthful things he ever said to me.

  • You only know the tip of the iceberg. It is always far worse than you suspected.

    I thought Fw had a drunken sex with a coworker on a work trip. The truth was far worse. It had been going on for years, he told her he loved her, that she was the love of his life, and they were “soulmates”. They had matching charms that you split in half for gods sakes. He told me he needed time to “think alone for a few days”, the truth: he moved in with his mistress at her place. I didn’t know about that at all.

    I don’t want to know anymore. One because it hurts too much, and two, because iDGAF anymore. Nasty fks.

    • Yes, mine was just ‘consoling’ a widow we both knew.

      I found out later they were choosing honeymoon destinations.

      • Hello Mitz

        Choosing honeymoon destinations.

        Thanks really fucked up. I’m sorry you had to go through that.

        They really are fuckwits.

    • Those matching charms!! What are they? 13-year-olds?

      As I’ve pointed out here before, my FW cheater and his OW engaged in this kind of teen-love behavior by getting matching, massive, upper-thigh tattoos. He was 61 and she was 49 when they decided to seal their “young” love with a tattoo.

      I literally applied a balm to his, not knowing at the time that there was a matching one on another woman. Oh, and I even pointed out that the fin of the fish was a little “off.” OMG!! So he went back for a revision. JFC!! I suppose she accompanied him.

      These people have no shame. Oh, they suffer from, among other things, arrested development.

      • You too, huh. Oh, and he had to get you to spot the flaws. Too much!

        My cheater, who had always said tats were hideous, suddenly wanted to get them, but he can’t handle pain so he decided not to. I found out later he only wanted to because OW had them and wanted him to match her douchey yin/yang and Chinese writing tats. Gross.
        Arrested development is exactly right. They are permafrozen at 12-16 years old emotionally. You also have to be a moron to think tats on old people is a good look.

      • Spinach@35, I read your matching tattoo story and I’m super hoping for very bad infections for these two. OMFG. Yes, they DO have arrested development. That’s why they do the despicable things they do. Major fuckwits. I wonder how they will lie away and try to tap dance an explanation of those tattoos with the the next fuckwits they suck in. again, OMFG

      • Oh wow, nothing says I’ve lost my shit like matching tattoos, and on the upper thigh. I know of another cheater man that after several affairs is remarried and got lots of new art like the ow. They just copy others and paste on their mask, rinse and repeat all throughout life.

  • 1) This is unbearably cringey to read/watch. All of the signs are there that this guy is a flaming narcissist.

    2) Da’Nai needs to know that Derrick, as a serial cheater and narcissist, is now building up a huge amount of internal resentment and contempt for her because he had to do this public mea culpa. It’s not a question of “if”, rather it’s a question of “when” he will cheat again.

    3) Is it possible that Derrick chose Da’Nai because her name literally sounds like “denier”? As in, she’s in total denial with regard to Derrick’s true nature. Godspeed Da’Nai. A lot of chumps have been where you are now.

  • A friend of mine sent me one of his videos a few years ago. I told her that men need to stay in their lane. I thought he was too focused on telling women what to do. How about you tell your boys not to cheat?

    It all felt a little too “I’m the man – listen to me.” And I didn’t trust him.

    She told me I was crazy. Well, well, look who was right.

    • “I’m the man – listen to me.” Now that I’m aware that is a red flag that I see so commonly. I had a few neighbor couples over and one of the men said that, and I thought wtf. He’s a tool.

  • I’ve never watched his videos or filleted him but reading about this makes me physically ill. I do feel for his wife and I wish someone from CN could just rescue her. Or get her out so she can be deprogrammed!
    As I’m now out of the house and reflecting back on my sham of a marriage ive started to realize what kind of a jackass I really married. He’s told me stories about being date raped ( which did not make a lot of sense to me) and at several jobs he seemed to deem him self to be saving young women from what he considered sexual harassment by other male co workers, and then he was let go. I am really wondering who was really the sexual harasser? He is 58 years old and these are all very young people. In one case he told me he was talking to a young girl about going rock climbing and where she liked to go and when she would go. I asked if he was asking her on a date and he said well you can go too!! And then he could not figure out why she seemed to avoid him. And there are other examples of similar situations with various gils he’s met in college.
    He recently told me he is going to be leading a group with his young college friends on healthy relationships. Ugh!
    And last I went to the house he had some young girl staying there.
    I’m getting a whole different picture of the person I married! I had blinders on for years!!!

    • Cheater; I was date raped and saved young girls from being sexually harassed.

      UBT; I like to date rape young girls and sexually harass them.

      So happy you’re away from this predator.

    • Major possibly borderline pedo sex addict stuck at about 12 yo. Was married to one myself. Lots of accusations at work. Fired/letgo/etc. Started sexualizing our daughter. OUT with his ass. He’s now repeating the pattern with a replacement with has a TEEN daughter. Coincidence? Not so much.

    • Dated a relatively wealthy, socially highly visible man who was 50 when I was 36 and a grad student. Spoke down to me; gave me a child’s toy as one of the first gifts he ever gave me. I never was so nervous as with him. Didn’t realize I was being gaslit and psychologically toyed with. Dated him for a year and had six (six!!) fender benders during that time, from my mind being so anxious.

      He was a “close family friend” of his dead buddy’s single-mom ex, who had two daughters that he used to babysit. The oldest one, who was then about 16 or 17, whose name he brought up a lot, had recently fled home and had “troubles.” It was always weird how much he talked about her, because this man had no real respect for kids … he didn’t know how to behave around them. He gave that family big gifts, like huge screen TV, infusions of cash. We hung out with that family once at a lake cottage and my boyf went naked outside in front of the 11-year-old second daughter. When I said I was uncomfortable with his behaviour, he blamed my sensitivity on my own history of being sexually abused, ran out and told her mom immediately about my concerns and they laughed together about how silly I was being and the mom basically told him he was ok to behave however he wanted around her youngest.

      At work, he went through a few assistants who complained of sexual harrassment. He was always talking about women who “needed help.”

      His public role was “ethical” investment.

      I learned firsthand what a mindfuck it is to consider that someone standing right next to you could be a pedophile. Even more so when that person is your partner. The cognitive dissonance (I would never date a pedophile? surely I have better judgment? surely I’m overdramatizing?) left long-standing marks.

  • His poor wife. I hope she finds her mighty soon and gets far, far away from this guy!

    The story gets even worse, as more details are coming out. One of the OW came forward this week and stated that, not only did she see him the week before he posted the hostage video with his wife, but the “7 Signs You’re on his Mind” video was recorded outside of her house! The white arched columns in the background are his OW’s house! The nerve of people like this. GRRR!

    • OMG. The arrogance of these creeps is staggering. I bet he did that in order to enjoy a delicious repast of duper’s delight.
      Making these videos is his way of getting off on duping not just his wife, but everybody who sees them. A true con artist always loves his work.

  • So why are we giving him any attention. I saw a disgusting Twitter about his wife
    “not looking hot” and pics of his gf in bikinis and that’s why he strayed. Don’t know from whom but it makes me sick. We deserve so much better. Throw these asses on the garbage heap and let them go be reborn somewhere else. Hugs to all!

    • I seen the Twitter photos it was for anyone who’s not seen it if your mistresses looks like this but your wife looks like this well who can blame him ????‍♀️

      It was total victim blaming/shaming but in the thread on Twitter there is literally hundreds of women agreeing .

      These women are saying things such as if she looked better, if she wore sexy outfits then she could keep her man .
      You can’t blame a man for going looking for sex if that’s what’s waiting for you at home.
      If I dressed and looked like her I wouldn’t blame my man either.
      Us ladies have to keep up with the sexy otherwise your man will be gone.

      There are literally hundreds of comments on the thread from women shaming the wife.

      I use to say I would never wish an unfaithful spouse/ partner on anyone but now I actual really do ( wrong I know) . I’d love to see their devastation when their life is blown apart and say see if you wore a matching bra and pant set then your man would have stayed faithful beeeeaaaattttcccchh

      • *Ugh*.

        Sometimes I hate my own sex.

        But I’d bet for the majority of these nasty cows what they’re doing is a) indulging in a good dollop of schadenfreude, and b) ‘affair proofing’ themselves – “*I* keep myself in shape dress sexily etc, etc, so this will never happen to *me*.

        What they refuse to realise is 1. A decent man who truly loves you for what you are isn’t going to go off and fuck a whore because you’ve put on a few pounds, and 2. There are loads of beautiful, sexy women who’ve been cheated on, because they were married to/living with selfish, shallow entitled arseholes.

        The above is no more than what CL has always said, but it bears repeating.

        • I saw a celebrity whom I didn’t know talking about being cheated on. The husband and the AP were also celebrities.

          The lady being cheated on actually said she didn’t blame him for cheating, who wouldn’t cheat if they had a chance to be with her. It blew my mind. I would like to think that most people wouldn’t cheat given any opportunity.

      • I find myself wishing it on people a lot lately. The smugness and victim blaming get really, really old. I didn’t do this to people before it happened to me. I would get disgusted when someone said something like that and tell them, “Get a divorce if it’s such a damn deal breaker and let them have a life, there’s no excuse.”

        It bothered me enough when it was aimed at others but now that it’s being aimed at me during the hardest time in my life I’m all about “You’re fucking scum, go fuck yourself and die, I wish only terrible things for you.” Then I’m “bitter” and “angry” and “you don’t mean that.” Fucking block, fucking no contact, I don’t care if they’re my goddamn mother, I’m done. I’m not tolerating trash like that in my life for another second. Ever tolerating it, ever being “open minded” or “not judgmental” was a huge mistake that landed me in this hell.

        I’m judgy as shit now and bad people deserve having bad things happen to them. I don’t feel bad about it. We should judge people by their actions.

          • I just recently found out that my ex’s schmoopie told my daughter in law that she felt that God sent her to FW when he needed her. My daughter in law said she told her “God doesn’t send a woman to steal another womans husband”

            Funny thing is FW went on to cheat on schmoops a lot, so I wonder how she viewed that?

            Also, as a Christian I think what she said was blasphemous. She basically called God a, well I can’t even say it…

            Bottom line is she and my ex are (in his case was) horrible people.

            • My husband told me he truly feels that the OW is a gift from God (to have sex with him) because it is the only thing that keeps him sane. And he seriously believes that. (So I am sure she believes it, too). ????????

        • And others are desperately hoping they have not been, and this makes them have a small sense of control.

      • My response to “she should have been sexier”:
        Halle Berry, Eva Longoria, Christie Brinkley, Sandra Bullock, Denise Richards, Jennifer Garner, Shania Twain, Elizabeth Hurley, Anjelica Huston, Maria Shriver, Jennifer Anniston,
        Kathie Lee Gifford, Tea Leoni, Mary Louise Parker, Uma Thurman, Sienna Miller,
        Elin Nordegren, Beyone

  • I saw this idiot on YT and immediately determined that he is a fake and a douche. It’s good to know my instincts are still intact, even with all the years of ignoring them to stay with the jerk.
    Fuck this guy and his stupid book.

  • That is one seriously awkward and uncomfortable hand hold. Her arm is OVER his, but in his lap in the death clasp.

    Try that with someone and see how uncomfortable it is.

    If my arm is the “over” arm, and the clasped hands are in my lap, that’s really comfortable. If my arm is the “under” arm, and the clasped hands are in the lap of the person I am sitting next to, that’s also really comfortable. But her arm over his with the clasped hands in his lap looks really uncomfortable and also like a barrier.

    For some reason this made me think of Victorian post-Morten photography. Her body jerks when he gestures like she is literally going along with whatever he says.

    Comments are off. There is a limit to how many nails will fit on the coffin lid.

    I checked out LACGAL on Amazon yesterday. I love books. I buy a LOT of books. I probably belong in Book Addict Anonymous. I have never seen a book yet with a 90% five star rating on Amazon.

    Rightfully so. Well done, Tracy!

  • And now the world will get a momentary glimpse– just for a split second before the world forgets and starts victim-blaming again– that cheaters often don’t show up on a first dates wearing horns and devil suits tailored out of repurposed red flags and stinking of sulfer. Some seem convincingly empathic, charming, woke, etc. — at least to the uninitiated.

    Personally I’ve been bracing for Jaxn’s mask to slip. I didn’t relish the idea. It’s sad. It would be nice if there were more “allies” among men. But reading posts on another forum, I was recently reminded of something I read in a book on clinical research of dv– that domestic abusers often show great alacrity for absorbing information on or from women’s perspectives–just like Jaxn.

    It’s apparently not just to catch more flies with honey (though it certainly works that way). It’s also theoretically due to their nearly “split” personality constructs in which a pickled former “victim self”– or a part of the self that identifies with victims left over from traumatic childhoods– is sort of preserved in aspic and put on display.

    The ghost of a former victim self means nothing, is a figment, is not “in charge,” but looks pretty convincing to the degree it once was real. It may have its own politics, taste in literature, even separate social circle, etc. It may cry real tears, say insightful things. The victim self understands the victim perspective with incanny accuracy. But what is actually in command is a central, organizing, evil perpetrator self.

    Unlike people with genuine dissociative personality disorder, these perps know on a certain level that they’re “faceted.” But they not ony prefer the world to see the woke self, they would prefer to actually be that self as well, which is where the selective amnesia comes in handy. They forget who they are. But look out if you remind them– they implode.

    To the degree that they blame partners for the reemergence of their “worst self,” they go onto the next assuming the new partner will at last “inspire” them to permanently embody the better (illusory) angels of their nature. Personally I think this may be why abusers statistically tend to seek fab, strong, independent partners (prey) initially. It may be why only about 3% go on to form long term ties to affair partners– the “victim self” tends not to like co-cheaters.

    The dynamic can make certain abusers diabolically deceptive and capable of projecting illusions for years. It’s a terrible disservice to the actually woke among other people that the ersatz version abounds.

    Anyway, that’s a “skein” I untangled for the purposes of advocacy long before being chumped. Just goes to show that you can clinically understand a thing and still get blindsided and duped by a well constructed mask. Jaxn’s is Jedi level.

    • >>I was recently reminded of something I read in a book on clinical research of dv– that domestic abusers often show great alacrity for absorbing information on or from women’s perspectives

      Any chance you remember enough for me to find more about this particular theory?? I have FOO reasons for wanting to understand it more.

      • I’ve seen this too. I think it perfectly describes my stbx. He seems to be all about knowing about women’s perspectives and how he is so sympathetic.

        • My second husband touted himself as a feminist, and claimed to completely understand women’s issues. He was a nurse — maybe still is, for all I know. He worked with a lot of women; he had a lot of women friends. He had a therapist, he was introspective, he did yoga . . . and her was an abuser. He strangled me until I passed out and then dumped me on the highway.

          I’ve never read this particular theory, but it sure seems to fit with my experience!

          • Your story is absolutely chilling. Yes, quite horribly it fits perfectly. I’ve encountered people like that. That dynamic is so upsetting because the world actually needs allies but some of the most dangerous men seem to biomimic the best. Makes sense though. If a predator who prefers fabulous prey is completely constructing a personality from nothing, wouldn’t they choose the finest template?

        • In college, I dated a man who terrorized every woman he ever dated. Found out he hated Black people too. Total bully and a raging misogynist and racist. Really scary guy.

          It chills me that he went on to marry a woman with a PhD in gender studies and now portrays himself on social media as this woke guy who supports MeToo and BLM.

      • The argument is cobbled from a few sources. It was kind of the official position of a dv survivor advocacy outfit I worked with years ago. I just saw someone else posting on the first author and last author. Sources (sorry if I forget specific books and chapters for some– been a while):

        Donald Dutton “The Batterer” and any of his criminology studies. Dutton studied thousands of convicted batterers and wife killers in prison settings for decades.

        DV expert Lenore Walker’s observations (forget which book) that, contrary to debunked old “victimology” theories that dv victims tended towards weak self-esteem prior to abuse, Walker found that battered women tended to skew towards higher self-esteem prior to abuse. More than average had careers too.

        Any of Richard Gelles’ books on domestic assault.

        Chapter on DV in trauma expert Frank M. Ochberg’s “Post Traumatic Therapy and the Victims of Violence.” The chapter is written by researchers Anne Flitcraft and Evan Stark.

        I think dv research applies nearly seamlessly to cheating, give or take black eyes and spinal injuries. I prefer criminal psychology to pop-psych because criminology tends to deal in observable data. For instance, it’s not merely anecdote or theory if a perp runs his wife over with a truck and it’s not just theoretical if police were called to a certain residence more than once, so there are clearer lines about things like “recidivism.” Also the subjects of dv research were often in prison settings whereas typical personality disordered creeps would naturally avoid therapy.

        I’ve noticed that she-cheaters share a lot of the same traits as batterers which, though it isn’t as common in women, does exist. Since Dutton argues that batterers operate on a “beat-by-need” basis, it would seem that cheating is just a less athletic, lower effort, less legally risky means of crushing the will of a victim/partner.

        Cheaters are more controlled and perhaps more clever about it but the psychological effects are similar and the MO seems similar. Virtually all batterers cheat in any case. Also I think there are too many stories of cheaters who become “violent for the first time” when their victims try to escape for it to be a statistical blip. Finally, if you search the term “neutralization + violence” you’ll recognize that the rationalization system of cheaters is identical to that typically observed in serial killers and domestic abusers.

        Overlaps a-plenty. I think the model is way more helpful than “sex addiction” or even pop-psych definitions of narcissism. These people aren’t sick so much as criminally inclined. My personal theory is that cheaters have the same progressively violent head films towards victims that batterers do but, rather than reaching for the tire iron, they swerve left and cheat instead. It’s all about destroying the “power” that they imagine the partner holds over them and/or finding a new person who will reflect back to them the “good guy” image of themselves that they prefer. They’re actually escaping their own internally triggered darkness. That way they can pretend that the inevitable malevolence they develop towards any intimate relationship “isn’t them” but instead is “caused” by the victim. Until the psycho hate tapes begin again in every subsequent relationship.

        I always cringed at the line “You make me want to be a better man” that everyone gushes over in the old film As Good As it Gets. Hello– batterer.

        • This reminded me of something that I found interesting during our brief attempt at couples therapy. The therapist asked FW what originally attracted him to me. He mentioned that I stood up for myself. I was strong, smart, and quick-witted. I felt like such a doormat at the time that I wondered what the hell happened to the person he was describing.

          • “The therapist asked FW what originally attracted him to me. He mentioned that I stood up for myself. I was strong, smart, and quick-witted”

            He got pleasure from beating you down, because it made him feel powerful, then he got pleasure from berating you for being what *he* turned you into. Fucking bastard. ((hugs)).

          • He preferred a tiger trophy to a bunny foot keychain. But skinned is skinned. I think that’s the definition of a psychopath. They break the toy then break it again because it’s no fun anymore.

    • YES.
      “ To the degree that they blame partners for the reemergence of their “worst self,” they go onto the next assuming the new partner will at last “inspire” them to permanently embody the better (illusory) angels of their nature.”

      THIS belief is pervasive! Cheater actually said “she makes me a better man”. Then when she too dumped him he proclaimed “I’ll be a better man for someone else”.

      No agency. Being a good person is totally dependent upon what another person brings out in you.

      Just another way to place blame suggesting I wasn’t good enough or worthy enough for him to be a good man.

      • Yes, you have magical superpowers to turn perfectly good people into monsters. If only you would channel that power towards good! You could solve world hunger and prevent planes from crashing with your Voodoo tractor beams!

        Bleah. Well that mentality is the core overlap between batterers and cheaters.

        What’s missing in research on cheating is the internal, batterer-like “hate tapes” that ramp up in the minds of abusers following whatever internal trigger– usually something to do with the ever-dueling conflicting fears of either “engulfment” or abandonment. Every cheating victim knows that’s happening by the attitudes and actions of typical cheaters in the throes of fuckapaloozas. But there’s no way to “prove” it.

        How would any researcher observe any of this or squeeze that admission out of cheaters who are all about image management? At least with incarcerated batterers and spouse-killers, the subjects are captive and may get worn down over time into admitting their internal workings.

        But even if the difference between cheating and battering is more than a matter of degree of seriousness, the flagrant disregard for victim safety and terrifying lack of empathy are pretty obvious overlaps. I wasn’t surprised to see the study linking “Rape myth acceptance” and “infidelity tolerance.” Also I think there’s a relationship between cheating and use of progressively violent porn. There is violence in it somewhere, no matter how concealed.

      • I don’t know that my ex said it, but I have heard so many cheaters say of the schmoops, or next wife “she straightened me up” No one straightened them up. Just more image mgt until they get caught again. They don’t get better, some get better at hiding it, others like my ex let all hell break loose and do whatever the crap they want to, once they realize they aren’t fooling anyone.

        I honestly think my ex figured he had given up everything (least of all me, he only cared about his captains bars and cushy office/job) he lost it all for the whore, so he was not going to miss any thrills going forward, she could stay or not; he didn’t care. I am pretty sure he got her to sign away any rights to his pension before he married her. He already knew he was going to spend every penny he had on his own enjoyment, so he wasn’t worried about losing that.

        • It’s so creepy. They hunt around for dick incentives to live right for a spell. But the incentives always wear thin and the old demons take over. It’s kind of like kleptos, grifters and gambling addicts joining cults or revival churches hoping to be moved by the spirit.

    • Wow, that explains so much. The first time I asked Nitwit out on a date I felt an overwhelming desire to protect him. From what, I don’t know. This was before he told me sad sausage tales about being beaten by his father when young. Possibly true. Somehow he managed to trigger this feeling without saying a word, just by the expression in his eyes and his youthful demeanor. Damn neotony.

      • Read Richard Wrangham’s Demonic Males. He describes how some male orangutans don’t develop adult size or features but remain juvenile-looking through part of their adulthood. Adult female orangutans don’t fancy them very much so the mini-males resort to rape.

  • Poor D’Naia is in the “unconsciously incompetent” stage. In other words, she doesn’t know what she doesn’t know. But hopefully, light will soon shine on those things currently kept in the shadows, she’ll flip over to “consciously competent” and kick his royal rear end to the curb.

    • Oh my, it just dawned on me that if I say Da’Naia’s name quickly 10 times, it sounds like DENIER!! We have far too many chumps who deny, so I hope she flips the script sooner rather than later.

  • Sadly, I watched when the truth came out directly from one of the women he slept with, and then ghosted after they had sex at home in the bed he shared with his wife. Then the others started to slowly come forth to out him. Yes, he’s being blasted online as the narcissistically talks about his antics, which many now believe referred to all the dirty deeds he was guilty of. One person stated that she knew what she was getting into when she married him, but this is a classic case of a woman who’s being emotionally abused and gaslighted, causing her to lose her self esteem, and to somehow believe he’ll change. One day, she’ll have an epiphany moment where the thought of allowing him to squeeze her hand in some type of bonding will be a thing of the past. I hope that moment will come soon.

  • I had never heard of this guy prior but anyone can see he jerks her around on that sofa just as he jerked her around in their “marriage” with all his countless lies, deceit and covert narcissistic abuse that it takes to pull off multiple affairs. I no longer consider ANYone with his behaviour to be “married” including the FW I was “married” to. It is all just a SHAM cover up to make these psychopaths appear to be normal members of society. Anyone can see he is on Salespitch Infinity here. “Did you want to say anything hunny?” That’s when his temple would meet up with my elbow – HARD!

    • Chumpadellic, I had never heard of this dude either. Glad I’m not the only one. I suspect it has to do with social media – I don’t do Instagram or Twitter of Facebook. Is social media where he became famous?

      I watched the video only a short time before his excessive self-confidence pushed my buttons; my ex was similarly sure of himself. Where’s the humility that should be displayed by someone who has been such a dirty dog? He’s not sorry. Not in the least.

  • I feel so bad for her. I was so humiliated by my ex I genuinely considered suicide. I was trying to plan it out in a way that wouldn’t be horrifying for my son to find out about. I thought I’d drive out somewhere, get out of my car (so there wouldn’t be a mess in my car and my son could have it) call 911 so they’d find my body and the car I wanted my son to have quickly and shoot myself. I could see it all in my mind. My best friend stopped me from doing it.

    And that was humiliation from our friends and family knowing. Not the general public. I shudder to think how bad this is going to be for her when reality comes crushing down on her. I can’t even imagine. I don’t think I would have survived it. I hope she’s in therapy and has a good support system because her husband is fucking garbage profiting off destroying her. May he rot in hell.

    • KatiePig, I understand those dark depths. I’m so thankful for you and your son you didn’t go through with the plan. Don’t let the cheater win like that. Cheater deserves the embarrassment and shame Not you. ❤️

    • These are feelings common here and tragically many people act on it. I’m glad you didn’t.

      I feel really angry when anyone questions or dismisses this. It’s a real thing because the pain is off the charts. I’ve heard it from too many chumps and I know and know of people who acted on it.

      If anyone here feels this way, use your phone and call for help!

    • KP

      I too just wanted to end it all (the pain, the humiliation the disbelief etc.). The only thing stopping me was knowing someone would have to call my mother and tell her what had happened (the thought of a woman in her 70s being told her daughter had taken her own life was too heartbreaking for me).

      To take it one step further I had planned to leave a note outlining that it was all my ex’s fault.

      My rationale was that he would find out about the note and carry the guilt with him for the rest of his life. In reality he probably wouldn’t have cared less.

      I had also suffered a miscarriage 4 weeks prior so it was a horrible time.

      KP, I am glad you did not act on those dark thoughts. I am also thankful of your post as I thought I was the only one thinking suicide was the answer.

      • “My rationale was that he would find out about the note and carry the guilt with him for the rest of his life. In reality he probably wouldn’t have cared less.”

        Not only that he likely would have said “see I told you she was crazy” I don’t say that to be flip, I say it because when the thought crossed my mind, those were the words that came to me instantly, that he would say exactly that.

        I am so sorry that anyone has to feel like that. Also, so glad you are both still here to tell us.

        These cheaters are awful people, and they deserve whatever hell rains down on them.

        • Count me in the group who has also considered ending it all. I also had a plan and was going to leave a note explaining it.
          And I like others realized he would not care. He’d likely just shrug his shoulders and tell our daughter that confirms how crazy and disordered I am. She’d have to tell other family because he would likely just go back to his online gaming.

          I finally told several people in a support group about my plans as at least one of them had been there too. For the same reason! I think that helped for someone to get it.

          • I’d like to add that I have never seen my stbx ever have any emotion about anyone who has died in his family or among friends. Like he has no feelings at all. After my mother died we took some family members out to dinner. He got a phone call from someone and said that we were all having a great time as though nothing had happened.
            Just empty. He was the same when his mother died. No emotion at all.

          • Had a plan & note too. It was just 3 months after dday & rapid discard. I reached out to my then therapist & she convinced me to go to the ER. I was hospitalized for 4 days. On a few of those days visitors were allowed. A few friends came but it was just crickets from husband & inlaws. The day I was released was the day I went NC with that whole rotten bunch.

    • I’m so sorry that this happened, and so glad to hear that your friend was there to remind you of your importance on this earth. Thankfully, you’re away from your ex and starting a new life. I agree, she’s being abused, and like you, I hope she has a good support system to get her through the nightmare. Hugs, RO

  • One way to identify sociopaths is their complete lack of shame. Truly remorseful people do not create marketing material after they have been revealed to be lying, cheating, freaks (Jada Pinkett, Elizabeth Gilbert, Rachel Uchitel, Glennon Doyle, Ruby McConnell, soooooo many others). Disordered narco-paths do this in an attempt to create or preserve a financial pipeline and manage their image so they can pursue more cake. Make no mistake, people fall for it. Further, there are scores of social media posters who will attack you for daring to notice that these people are garbage.

    Jason Collier, the disgraced police chief in Texas that Tracy wrote about a scant 2 months ago, is appearing on Dr. Phil this week because he has a book out, written by others, that tells His Side of the Story. As a normal person I find this to be quite insane. Someone has convinced him that his side of the story was just so important to tell and now everyone gets a paycheck. Who cares what bodies must be stepped on to cash it.

    These people are monsters. It is important to study them to adjust our filters and avoid anyone who gives off these vibes.

    • “One way to identify sociopaths is their complete lack of shame. Truly remorseful people do not create marketing material after they have been revealed to be lying, cheating, freaks ”

      And not just public marketing, but personal marketing and repackaging. My ex became a preacher. He got involved in a church where they let him preach on occasion. He became the hell and brimstone type preacher. So bad that my daughter in law said even schmoopie was embarrassed by him. It didn’t last long before he got into it with the preacher and started causing trouble, and he was asked to leave the church. As far as I know after that, he gave up the preaching and then spent half of each year in AZ at a campsite, bull shitting people there for as long as he could get away with it.

      He could have of course truly become a better person, and lived his life accordingly; but there was no evidence that ever happened. He spent the rest of his life doing whatever made him happy with no regard for his son or quite frankly schmoopie. She deserved it, my son didn’t.

  • Yikes, I have gone down the rabbit hole today. Watching the Instagram videos, reading articles, laughing at the parodies of D’Naia and Jaxn. Looked at her instagram and she posted someone’s comment to the effect of ‘the enemy is Satan, not your husband’. Seriously? Wasn’t it Bill Cosby who did ‘the devil made me do it’ comedy routine?

    All I know for sure is that Tracy and people on this site provide me clarity, whether being serious or humorous. I really appreciate everyone here – thank you!

  • I was waiting for this. Da’Naia’s trajectory into Christianity reminds me so much of my friend and how she responded to her Dday(s) that it made me so sad, I couldn’t finish the video. Also, there is something about her eyes that screams that she’s being abused outside of infidelity.

    And the worst part of this are the people mocking her appearance as if she deserves to be humiliated because her husband is oh so handsome (eyeroll).

  • I thought she looked sedated. Let the doc give you something to knock the edge off so I can promote myself and maybe it’ll dull the pain of me stabbing you.

  • Certainly no surprise. So disgusting to blame it on God, pieces of pig shit like him need to slither away. Just look into her eyes she looks dead then look into his eyes, he’s all excited to get off free, no consequences. There are plenty of good people to take advice from not dribble leaks like him. Thank you all for your support, we have each other.

  • I don’t really have anything to say about this social media guy.

    But I was wondering something today… and here’s the simple back story (I know there’s a place for this kind of thing somewhere on the blog; I can’t find it! Some kind of forum?)

    I decided I could not marry my boyfriend because he’s a stoner and I am not, and it didn’t make sense to me to get married and live such different lives. So he moved to Colorado to be around other stoners, but he was calling me every day, as if we were still together, and it felt like we were together. He was new in his Colorado mountain town, and he took a job and got fired from it, and then got snowed in, and it’s Covid out there, so I was functioning as kind of a girlfriend/ ex-girlfriend/ friend / fellow lonely person.

    One night last week he was texted by a woman that we both met last year at a dinner party. They were meeting again and she texted him pictures, saying, “wish you were here!” (And he texted those pictures to me.) I asked him how often he texted with her, and did they talk on the phone, etc., and he became angry and threw it back at me, “I don’t ask you how often you talk to your old boyfriend!” (I don’t talk to him at all, and she was not an old girlfriend…)

    He recently had a birthday, so as I was listening to him get madder and madder on the phone, I went to his Facebook page to see if she had wished him a Happy Birthday. She had created a little emoji of herself holding flowers for him for his birthday, and he had hearted it. Then she’d said, “Awwwwe, ya love me, lol!” And he’d said, “Yes, I do.”

    After we hung up, I felt sick. It’s like everything changed. I called him back and told him, “Don’t ever call me again! It’s not gonna work; that’s why you moved to Colorado. I can’t be your friend and watch you move on; I have feelings and a heart and that hurts me.”

    He hasn’t called.

    I CANNOT IMAGINE what it would be like to suddenly have a D-Day where you find out that your husband has been having an AFFAIR with someone. It changes your life overnight. You can’t not do anything about it. You have to take sides. Either you’re on his side, or you’re on your side. It’s cruel, it’s unjust, it’s ugly, it’s hard. No one should have to go through it!

    This little incident is PAINFUL for me. I’m glad I cut him off. But it was not like me to do it… and I don’t like breaking character. It makes me feel sick.

    I’m sorry, so sorry for all of you who are on this blog. Somehow it helps to just read some of these stories… (I was chumped before, but it was different… we were already headed for divorce…)

    Anyway, please pardon me for my story, but I was just thinking today about what most of you are going through, and feeling so sad for you, and – if I’m going back in time and wondering, “what were our texts during the time he was hearting her Happy Birthday image to him?” and “exactly when did that happen, and what was I doing at that exact time?”

    Oh it makes my mind just go crazy. It’s so difficult to not go there! And this was not even a cheat.

    What a hard thing, to be cheated on.

    My heart goes out to all of you…

    • Hey Light Heart:

      You said you broke character when you kicked him to the curb after his relationship with your mutual acquaitance became clear. But that is where in your story you are strongest. I hope you encourage that part of you, because it protects you.

      It sounds like you ended your partner relationship with him because different priorities, but he was a lover and a boyfriend and you had an ongoing friendship. Point being that you deserved honesty from him. As awkward as the situation was, you expected honesty and you didn’t get it, which means he isn’t who you thought he was and he treated you unjustly. All of us on this site have expereinced that, which is probably why you are on a site for people who have been cheated on. Whether a marriage or dating, and a long relationship or a short one, it hurts.

      • THANK YOU.

        It does hurt. And it hurts SO MUCH that I question myself. We were already out the door, already knowing that we weren’t gonna get married. But in that same conversation, where he texted me the photos and I saw the Facebook flirt, he began by telling me that he just wanted to know which ring I liked (we had looked for rings) and he was gonna drive two days to come put it on my finger…

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