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Dump ‘Scorned’ Already

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Here’s a word I’d like to see disappear from the infidelity conversation — scorned. (Almost always referring to a woman.) “Scorned Detroit Woman Lists Cheating Ex’s Batmobile on Craigslist.”

Really Fox news affiliate? Really? SHE OWNED THE CAR.

“Since the car was in my name, I decided to repossess it from him,” she says, smiling. She posted the Dodge Nitro on Craigslist with the headline: ‘Cheating boyfriend thought he was Batman’.

“I got that car for him in my name because I thought that he was going to love me forever,” she admits.
Photo
During their relationship, her boyfriend tricked out the car to look just like the Batmobile. The car is covered in Batman logos and decals and includes upgrades like Bluetooth and a radio touchscreen that plays Pandora and movies. The enhancements came with a $5,000 price tag — and was paid for by the other woman.

When Amy found out about the affair, she started plotting.

“I knew this was the way I could kind of just hurt him back where it counted,” she says.

She writes on her Craigslist post, “I got [the car] for my ex, who turned around and got all the extras paid for by his side chick.”

“I outsmarted the con artist,” she says.

See, the word you were looking for, Fox, was “outsmarted.” Let me rewrite that headline for you: “Badass Detroit Woman Sells Car She Once Gave to Unappreciative, Cheating Jerk.” There. That’s better.

WTF is it with scorned? It means to “reject (something) in a contemptuous way.” I scorn your offer of bran muffins! Bring me pastries!  or

“Oh really? Bran muffins again?” said the teenager scornfully

Scorn when applied to chumps implies that you are the jerk. You are the one who failed to appreciate. You are the one who is being irrationally upset and are more than a bit unhinged.

Oh my God, she’s going to sell something that belongs to her! Quick! Call a reporter!

DARVOlishly ironic, isn’t it that chumps get stuck with “scorn”? Because contemptuous rejection is EXACTLY what chumps experience. How come cheaters don’t get called scorned?

They are “wayward” and “broken” and know not what they do. But poor sappy “betrayed spouses” better not get uppity, bitter, or scorned. Then shit might get real. Someone might call a lawyer. Consequences!

Call it whatever you like. The repo man is still coming.

scorn

***

This story ran previously. Updating the site.

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Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • I suppose it’s a tiny bit better than being called a cuckold. Either way, yes, the terms that belittle the victims further need to go!!!!

    • I am hardly a radical feminist but I really do find the wording and narrative of betrayals to be very sexist. Here are examples of how I think things are said and implied that never EVER benefit women…

      The “Scorned” term ALWAYS to women and the implication is NOT that she was wrongly treated or betrayed – but merely that she was rejected (and implied in this perjorative term of scorn is that the rejection was probably for good reason)

      AND her being scorned is also evidence that SHE has not handled this rejection in a “healthy” way.

      Whereas “cuckold” is applied to men in a way that does not flatter them particularly (and for that I’m sorry), it also does not make them worthy of rejection, rather it merely suggests they were duped, which was usually true.

      -ANGER

      When a man is angry at his ex wife for cheating, he’s seen as justifably enraged. In my life time, it was still legal in some states for men to kill OM who slept with their wives ( the same was not true for married women). Those husbands were not referred to as “bitter” or “scorned” but as rightly enraged.

      When a man is angry at his ex wife EVEN WHEN HE is the one who cheated, the term “bitter” is rarely applied to him.

      Rather, he might be “still pissed after an ugly divorce”.

      Interestingly, there’s very little negative connotation for men to feel anger. HE is never “wrong” to be mad even when it’s bullshit. Men are allowed to be angry.
      But even now, when women are angry, it suggests a flaw in them.

      This is one reason women in many western societies have trouble expressing anger. It’s “unattractive” in us. If we repeat a request of someone, we are “nagging” someone, (rather than silently accepting our requests being ignored.

      Going forward with this, men are expected to remarry and though I – as a CN member- now see that as a weakness in them, it’s mostly seen as a victory for them by society.
      Especially if they land a younger woman, regardless of her character (or lack thereof) they are congratulated and often envied.

      –When men remain single — NO ONE sees that as anything but a choice the men made.

      When women remain single, it’s seen either as proof of their inherent unworthiness AND OR

      their inability to get past their “bitterness” and “trust issues/not moving on.” No one sees it as a HEALTHY choice made by the woman.

      I’m SO done with this narrative.

      • Yes, yes…if it wasnt for my CL education I would probably still be wallowing in my “inherent unworthiness.”

        I read here everyday for the validation that I am worthy & all cheaters suck.

        • Yes, it just can not be argued; all cheaters/liars suck.

          One can argue that some chumps suck, and likely a very few do (still doesn’t excuse cheating). But, what makes chumps chumps is generally the very fact that they are over all very trusting folks. Hard to pull one over on folks who are suspicious of you.

          • You can be a shitty person and a bad partner and your spouse can have real complaints but they can always leave in honest ways that don’t involve infidelity. Doesn’t matter if you’re a shitty person, your spouse doesn’t have to sink lower.

            • this completely! I know a situation where one husband was having a very blatant (to literally everyone in our area) affair with the wife of a friend. They were all friends. The chumped wife in this situation was and remains a total pill. She is haaaaaarrrrddd work and very self-centred, negative, whiney, really, an annoying person. I dislike her. HOWEVER. There is a narrative that he’s ”such a nice guy” because he’s very smiley and friendly-friendly, but whether his wife is the world’s worst person or not is entirely irrelevant. He cheated on her, humiliated her, walked out on her and 3 young kids who are devastated and very confused and the fact that she’s irritating and not popular is entirely beside the point. Don’t like who you’re married to? Get divorced! Go and get some proper counselling to rationally and kindly work out the differences and then go your separate ways and move on amicably. Don’t start screwing someone else’s spouse. That makes you definitely a not-nice person, no matter how engagingly you smile.

              • “There is a narrative that he’s ”such a nice guy”

                That is always a kick in the teeth. Even if the folks in question don’t know you and don’t know his/her past.

                I saw a post on FB about my ex who died last month. I should not have looked, but the whores face came up in my “suggest friends” feed so I looked. Her son had posted a tribute (ish), it was poorly written so hard to figure out. There were just basic “sorry for your loss comments” But on one, she posted “oh whore’s son, I am so sorry, FW was a wonderful person etc”. Made me want to vomit, and now I feel a little guilty about that.

                She likely has no idea of his past, or quite frankly his present, or since she is their friends she could be just like him. But, still even after years you think, really?

              • Caroline,
                Here’s a thought. Maybe she became irritating and unpopular from her marriage to Mr. Friendly Cheater.

      • I like this more “positive” definition of nagging-the repetition of unpalatable truths. My thanks to the chump who posted that comment when I found the best advice trove, Tracy’s blog.

      • Yea male chump here. You’re wrong on the anger part for men.

        Female cheaters can very easily turn our anger on us by pointing to it and saying “see I told you he was abusive and unhinged!!”

        And most people will believe their claims of abuse while telling her she’s brave to leave her abusive husband, while she was the cheating abuser all along. Even worse she can also then use the legal system to further abuse her chump by applying for protection orders (which she has to have very very little evidence to get), which further paints the chump as the villian.

        Alimony, child support, and custody nearly always falls in favor of the woman’s side of a divorce. Which makes it an even bigger shit sandwich men have to eat.

        My experiences as a chump have been pretty close to all that I just talked about. Temporary PTO that was ultimately dismissed but in the court of public opinion I’m still guilty, alimony I have to pay till next year, and the feeling that I can’t be angry about any of it without giving her claims further credence.

        All while the worst thing I said to her was “you’re literally the devil”.

        But hey. Men have it so easy right?

        • If you are a chump guy, No, you don’t have it easy.

          If you are a cheater guy, Yes you do.

          I think that was the distinction? At least that’s how it seems to me. Cheater guys are a masters at spinning things around. I’m sure the female ones are just as bad. I dealt with a female bully at work once, and she was a piece of work alright. Thank goodness she never had kids that I knew of.

        • Female chump here. When Nitwit had the chutzpah to ask for a flat screen TV as a “parting gift” I told him my parting gift to him was not chopping off his dick when I found out about the cheating. I would never have done it, I said it in the heat of anger, but can you imagine what would happen to a male chump who threatened to cut his cheating wife’s genitals? Totally different story. I think women do get away with more violence or threats of it than men do.

          Child custody also favors women but alimony? I earned more than Nitwit throughout our entire marriage. When we split he got the home and I got exactly 0 alimony. I was extremely lucky to escape with my own savings, since his salary went into his account and my salary went into our “joint” account to pay bills and such. My lawyer told me that if he contested the settlement he would be entitled to half the money in our joint account, despite contributing $0 to it, as well as alimony because I have an advanced degree and he does not, therefore I have higher earning potential than he does, pandemic or no pandemic. Thankfully my XH is lazy as sin and didn’t bother to hire his own attorney and fight for more. Does alimony really favor women over men or does it favor non-working spouses over breadwinners, regardless of gender? I’d say the latter.

          Getting married was the most expensive mistake I have made in my entire life. I am generally pretty careful about money. Yet I essentially hired a very expensive whore who stopped servicing my needs about 18 months into the “marriage”. I have been calling my XH a “gigolo” but even that is too nice a term for what he really is and I see no reason why “whore” has to be a gendered insult.

        • Well, my cheating ex – who had a baby with someone else behind my back and was screwing multiple other women too, including one of his students – also raped me during the deterioration of our relationship. When I finally got up the courage to take my child and leave him, he used his rich parents money to hire aggressive lawyers to harass me through the court system, demanding visitation rights (which I had never actually denied him).
          One solicitor, when I tearfully told her what he’d done, said to me “Family courts don’t care about stuff like that.”
          She was right. They don’t.
          So I have to take issue when someone says “It’s ok for women, you can just make an accusation of abuse.”
          I was terrified of him and the legal system didn’t care, all they cared about is the child’s right to see their father (he was granted access, but dropped out of her life three years ago, by the way).
          Our society isn’t set up to protect victims of abuse – male or female. Generally they aren’t believed. I know men who have been abused and they didn’t get justice either.

      • > When women remain single, it’s seen either as proof of their inherent unworthiness AND OR their inability to get past their “bitterness” and “trust issues/not moving on.” No one sees it as a HEALTHY choice made by the woman.

        On one hand I considered another exhausting cycle of lower and lower expectations on dating sites, the possibility of falling for yet another person looking for mommy bang-maid or nurse with a purse, lies (re: age, height, employment, marital status), and overcoming the inertia of my “books on the couch in jammies” habit.

        On the other hand I have the love of a small furry animal that poops in a box.

        You can call me bitter, angry, undateable, crazy, or even Ishmael. This cat lady did the math and chose wisely.

        • Thanks for the laugh “Ishmael” !
          Signed,
          A bitter bunny 🐰 in her cozy burrow

          • “Bitter” and “scorned” are in same category.

            How many times do you hear man called bitter? (Sorry men-chumps but it’s true).

            Such a sexist and instantly negating word.

            • Yep I agree.

              It isn’t that men don’t have their problems, especially chumps; but yes there are so many way that women are overtly and covertly labeled negatively in language, for actions or feelings that a man would be praised for.

              It happens to men, but just not as much as it does to women.

  • CL has it in a nutshell; the chump is described as “scorned” and, before you know it, will inevitably be accused of being “bitter.” Fundamentally, this is a cheater-centric narrative that needs to be addressed. I prefer CL’s version; badass chump levels consequences against cheating scum. What’s not to like?

    And while I’m at it (and not wishing to appear judgemental), I would show anyone who was inclined to drive around in a Batmobile replica the door before they got around to cheating on me. Although as guy I suspect that I won’t meet many women who would want to drive around in a Batmobile replica …. but you never know I suppose.

    LFTT

  • Apparently the Chump is “scorned” and bitter. Meanwhile, the article plays to the Cheater that he “tricked out the car to look just like the Batmobile. The car is covered in Batman logos and decals and includes upgrades like Bluetooth and a radio touchscreen that plays Pandora and movies.”

    Huh? Maybe this is off subject, but in what universe does adding Batman logos, decals and bluetooth make a vehicle look “just like the Batmobile” or qualify as tricked out upgrades.

    That article was written by a sad sausage sympathizer. awwwwww poor guy had a real Batmobile replica and scorned woman took it from him. No… his cool girlfriend bought him a nice car that he stuck decals all over like a 6 year old. It would not pass muster at Comic Con 😂

    • I’ll add that maybe this struck me because the reporter did not pick up on the fact that the one he should be mocking is the man-child who thought he was Batman…. much like my ex who fancied himself as a member of the Rat Pack. FW listened (still does, according to son) nonstop to Frank Sinatra, would snap his fingers and wink, call me “kid.” Complete idiot. In his fantasy world, he’s cool. In retrospect, it should have been a red flag that he looked up to cheater womanizers like Frank and Dean.

      • My ex was/is a Rat Pack enthusiast/Dean Martin wannabe. Completely delusional does not begin to describe him…..the only thing that he has in common with any of them let alone his hero, Dean, is the penchant for heavy drinking and serial cheating…..

        • Ha, and according to Dean himself and those who knew him, he didn’t drink anywhere near what he pretended to. The drinks he had on stage were apple juice.

          I did love me some Dean Martin. Not as a possible mate, but as a singer. Also, Jerry Vale.

    • Good point, Michelle. Even a six year old could’ve done that. 😂 lol

      And this. This article is why I love Tracy. And CN. ❤️ In a world of crazy, it’s so good to find actual human beings. 👏🏼❤️🤗

  • I know the article is from 2015 and I truly hope that smart woman was paid the asking price of $18,000.

  • I see this differently. We have indeed been contemptuously rejected by our cheaters, so we were scorned by them. I find that merely descriptive and not insulting. It’s about the cheater’s actions, not our own. I don’t mind being called bitter, either. We should be bitter. There are some experiences in life for which bitterness is totally called for and a natural response, and being betrayed is high on that list. So if anybody says you’re bitter or scorned just give ’em a blast of that truth and maybe they’ll STFU. At any rate, I have found it effective in getting idiots to fuck off, but maybe it’s my delivery. Unfortunately, we can’t get the media and dunderheaded cheater apologists like Perel, Larson and Savage to fuck off. Some people just have an immunity to truth. It’s almost like their wilful ignorance, lack of empathy and selfishness creates an anti-truth force field around them.

    • I have definitely been scorned -contemptuously rejected- by cheater, and by other traitors narcissistic family members.
      I would not want that truth to be taken away from me.

    • Amen. You are 100% correct. It hurts me more that he held me in such contempt as to lie to me and squander our funds, than it hurts that he stuck his sausage in OWs.

      • ” It hurts me more that he held me in such contempt as to lie to me and squander our funds, than it hurts that he stuck his sausage in OWs.”

        Exactly. Oh unfaithfulness hurts, but it is not the worst part of the hurt. I believe I could have forgiven a youthful indiscretion, in fact I am pretty sure I did. But, to conspire against me, to steal from me, to make a mockery of our relationship. The most painful was realizing he talked down about me to a whore.

        One of the things I said early on was, you disparaged me to another woman. He said and I quote “What was I supposed to say, oh my wife is great, that is why I am here with you”. That statement made perfect sense to him, and likely he thought it made him look better. They lie to get into the whores pants, then it all comes crashing down on them at some point. For many it takes years, for others in relatively short time. Then they have to do the self defense lies.

        He never talked down much about me to anyone who knew me, I suspect he knew they would know he was full of shit.

  • Add an ‘h’ I say

    ‘Cars in my name, I paid for it and as I’m dumping you I no longer need it’ she said Schornfully.

  • Asshat is the one who is scorned. After years of failed nonsense post-decree litigation on top of the years of lying and cheating while we were married, I contemptuously reject him every time he tries to communicate with me.

  • Just wait until your own lawyer tells you that you should accept the lousy, paltry settlement offered to you.

    And when you won’t your lawyer says you are being difficult because you have ‘unresolved feelings’ against your ex.

    • Fire their ass! There are a lot of choices in lawyers. Don’t stand for that blameshifting!

      I had a narc lawyer too—- he was recommended to me (I’m also a lawyer but different specialty). It was a setback to fire him mid-way through the case but turned out 10,000 times better— my next lawyer was brilliant, a man of integrity and compassion. He helped me get way more than the 50% I was seeking.

  • Opposing counsel calls me “scorned” and “bitter” every chance he gets. It’s become laughable. My STBX chose to cheat, but I’m the one who chose to file for divorce. That’s not scorned, that’s coming to my senses. Bitter, maybe. Angry, of course. But, deservedly so. My life has been upended by two selfish people who decided their needs far outweighed any concern for me. This divorce is taking ages, but I’m getting closer to Tuesday. Now when his counsel tosses one of those words out, I just smile to myself and wonder if I should give him a thesaurus as a parting gift.

    • Give him LACGAL instead. Or maybe send a copy to his spouse, if he has one. Anonymously, of course.

    • B+DL,

      Just a thought, but my barrister (I’m in the UK) warned me before we went into Court with now-Ex-Mrs LFTT that my Ex’s barrister was likely to try and be very provocative in an attempt to get me to lose my composure. I’m not sure that this is any way normal, but Ex’s barrister would have known that his client’s demands were unreasonable; I think that he felt that getting me to paint myself in a bad light and thus create a sense of sympathy for my Ex was his best chance of getting her what she wanted.

      I kept my mouth firmly shut throughout and my barrister gave her barrister just enough rope to hang himself. As a consequence, things went very much in my (and our children’s) favour. Ex-Mrs LFTT is still (nearly 4 years on) spitting feathers about it (not that I give a sh*t); the lesson is to play the long game, always come across as the sane/rational one and just don’t rise to it.

      LFTT

      • This is a common technique in court, trying to play emotions to get people on the opposing side to appear/become irrational.

        I had a friend who was getting a restraining order against an abusive ex. Her lawyer told her to stay calm no matter what she was asked. The ex’s lawyer was horrendous, asking her all manner of awful questions, worded to make her sound like a monster. Her lawyer kept smiling, and she did what he said.

        Her ex ended up getting so mad that she wasn’t emotional about it that he openly threatened to kill her right there in court in front of the judge. My friend’s lawyer smiled even bigger because that was exactly what he wanted.

        • Amiisfree,

          Ex-Mrs LFTT’s barrister made a number of statements in Court that my team knew were not true, but were clearly intended to paint me as a bitter and vindictive husband who could not move on and was who was seeking to control his soon to be ex-wife in a manner that was inappropriate.

          Unfortunately for Ex-Mrs LFTT, this involved a couple of statements that came back to bite her. The first was “Mrs LFTT is not in a relationship. The man under discussion is merely a gentleman friend who takes her out to dinner on occasions. There is nothing going on here and Mr LFTT has got to stop trying to control Mrs LFTT.” The second was that “Mr LFTT took his name off of a joint loan agreement for £15K+ without Mrs LFTT’s knowledge or permission and leaving her solely liable for a debt that is half his.”

          All of this was delivered in a near theatrical style with her barrister implying that I was the devil incarnate and the she was the entirely innocent victim.

          I kept my mouth shut and my barrister calmly pointed out three things: firstly a screenshot of Mrs LFTT’s public FB profile that stated that she was in a relationship with the man in question and had been since the month we had separated; secondly, a letter from the bank stating that the loan was in Mrs LFTT’s sole name, that she had signed for it, that they would never approve that type of loan to multiple parties and that the loan had been paid into her bank account, which I had never had access to and; thirdly, that Mrs LFTT was clearly a liar.

          Oddly enough, it was now-Ex-Mrs LFTT who then lost her composure and came across as the crazy person.

          Game, set and match to me and my team shortly thereafter!

          LFTT

            • Amiisfree and LFTT – always love to hear when the chumps make fools of themselves in court. When I had to go to court for Pendente Lite (emergency support), I was terrifed. I’d never been to court before. I was still in trauma and suffering anxiety attacks for the first time in my life. But my attorney also gave me solid advice – be like a statue… do not react… if you need to, just write on a pad of paper in front of you. Stay calm.

              I also was told my therapist to take a deep breath and survey the room when I was on the stand…. to take my time and answer each question briefly and honestly.

              So I did. I was calm. I focused on being forthright and clear. I looked his attorney straight in the eye and leaned towards the mike to answer her questions. I kept reminding myself that I had nothing to hide.

              Then FW took the stand. And oh my goodness… he was jumpy, pushing away from the mike, mumbling. It was obvious he was lying and he was a mess up there.

              And the judge awarded me more than maximum 🙂 (his attorney lost it LOL)

              • MS,

                Glad it worked out for you!

                I too love to see a cheater hoist by their own petard; especially in Court. Without wishing to turn this into the Ex-Mrs LFTT show (but acknowledging that she is in some ways a comedy genius), I have a couple of others that may raise a smile.

                – Her statement to the judge that she was only going to be able to pay me child support if I paid her maintenance, as she would not be able to afford it otherwise. The judge put his head in his hands, sighed, and said “Mrs LFTT, this is not how it works. You have agreed to a clean break and are being compensated accordingly …. you cannot expect your husband to pay you a premium for a clean break and then pay you spousal support as well. As you well know, your husband does not posses a magic money tree.”

                – Her assertion that she had the right to maintain absolutely the same standard of living after the divorce as she had enjoyed beforehand and that, if the kids and I had to suffer a drop in our standard of living to pay for it then that was “our problem and not hers.”

                – Her barrister saying (off the record) to my barrister about now-Ex-Mrs LFTT – “I never want to speak to that bl**dy woman again.” By the time we were done I think that he despised her almost as much as I do. 😉

                LFTT

              • MS and LFTT,
                Thanks for sharing. I love these kinds of stories. I find them inspiring and they can provide a nice roadmap for the chumps still slogging through the courts.

              • Ditto👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻👆🏻 Asked for 50/50, got full custody and 82% of all assets.

      • It’s a technique that is used frequently here in the states. Piss off the opponent and hope they will get emotional, defensive and unravel in court. Most judges are on to this maneuver but it still annoys the judge when people can’t control themselves. The more a litigant stays composed the more the opposition using this technique look foolish and desperate.

        • My ex, the DOCTOR claimed to have retired and thus had no additional income. But we were married 35 years and I knew he’d never give up the income that “glorious” job offered him.

          3 things still amaze me as being clinically insane on his end.

          1) He TOLD our kids he’d “just quit working” IF he had to pay any alimony to me (which is called “purposeful unemployment” and courts don’t allow it so he’d still have to pay even if it were true (!!)

          2) I had to hire a PI (so Jerry Springer of me and truly unpleasant and pricedy but worth it,wish I’d done it sooner btw)

          The PI was able to make an appointment with my “retired physician” ex husband, AND my ex’s NAME WAS ON THE CLINIC’s BUILDING as a staff physician –hard to explain how one does that as a retiree…

          AND

          3) ex STILL claims he had retired – only now acts as if he went back to work because I forced him to.

          AND 4

          He genuinely gets furious when he is not believed.

          This^^^ all goes back to the CN theme of “malignant entitlement” (a phrase I’d never heard before but came to know the hard way).

          No matter how provably false the lie, no matter how obvious,

          they STILL GET MAD when you don’t believe them. It’s sheer lunacy.

          • My doc ex of 35 years actually DID retire a few months before Dday at the age of 60. Looking back now, I see that it was all part of his plan to avoid alimony. Cheap bastard!

            That level of deception on his part freaks me out. We often discussed our post-work future plans. They didn’t include his girlfriend. Total fraud.

            PS. He’s back to work part-time. He miscalculated and has to pay alimony.

            As was pointed out in the Great Betrayals article (see yesterday’s post), it’s the lying that’s most upsetting.

          • “they STILL GET MAD when you don’t believe them. It’s sheer lunacy.”

            The disordered will throw out a blatant lie initially, knowing it’s a lie but then after repeating the lie a few times, they actually believe the lie to be the gospel truth. It is the weirdest phenomenon I’ve ever witnessed. So your ex is getting angry because he thinks the lie he spewed is actually true. This will usually bite them in court because their attorneys have no reason not to buy into their lies, will produce the lie in court and then the lie is exposed. Yup, lunacy is accurate.

            • Yes KB22, he seems to believe his own lies and seems to believe the total revision of our marital history. He’s distorted things beyond recognition, which I hate because then he erases us and steals my memories (or tries to).

              Another example of sheer lunacy is that he thinks claiming to have wanted out of the marriage PRIOR to our last child’s birth,

              somehow makes HIM look like a victim, but it’s just the opposite.

              I still think it’s an ugly lie BUT if it were true, and he had one foot out the door all those years without telling ME,

              it would mean he’d been lying to me for over a decade, (not a mere few years.)

              It would make him more of a villain, AND me more of a victim…

              but he’s so crazy and disordered he keeps badmouthing me (to our kids, on the rare occasions they speak) and he blurts out insane shit that I wonder how such an intelligent man can be so fucking blind and stupid that he cannot connect the dots.

              The “dots” to connect are between HIS comments and behavior (like his choice to be AWOL “working” for years of their childhood) AND his shitty Non relationships with our kids.

              He’s oblivious to the CONSEQUENCES of HIS UNILATERAL choices…that’s a lesson life is giving him, whether he knows it or not.

              Nothing adds up to him. IT’s ALL my fault and yep, that is sheer lunacy.

              Sad for my kids. Sad for me now & then, but also a relief.

              Handling my ex husband’s NON handling of his family relationships is SO not my job anymore. For that I’m grateful.

              Good riddance to lunacy.

              • “I still think it’s an ugly lie BUT if it were true, and he had one foot out the door all those years without telling ME,”

                It is awful. Like the “I never loved you” for some insane reason they think that makes them look better. Oh well never loved her/him, so obviously it was ok for me to lie, steal, devalue, shit all over; because I didn’t love her/him so they had no value to me. I mean anyone would do the same.

                Makes perfect sense. 🤔

      • Oh, yes! His counsel plays this game, too. I’ve become quite good at answering “yes” and “no” in a monotone voice with no facial expression. It drives the STBX mad. And, you’re right. It’s all about the long game. Getting what I know I deserve will be worth the wait.

    • Exactly Books! We have normal reactions to being burned, and then are shamed for it! SO sick of all this crap !

      Why won’t we just sit back and take it like ‘nice ladies’. Makes me want to scream.

      I get that it’s an opposing counsel tactic, but I have had it from my own lawyer. Sometimes they just want to rush shit through.

      • Yep.

        In my case I made my ex file; for a couple reasons. Luckily he was in a shit show at work; and he complied. Poor sausage was desperately trying to polish his own turd self, and that of the whore.

        He wanted me to file, so he could put it on me, but I used his desperation to get him to file. I remember my brother in law (who actually was close to him at one time) made the comment “who wanted this divorce anyway” This was after he was circling back and I said; Thanks, but no thanks.

        Of course if he refused to file, I would have had to bite the bullet. I had to protect my financial situation.

        I feel bad for those having to face opposing attorneys/counsel etc. I never had to in the whole year we were legally/separated.

        But, I definately ran across a few “things happens, smile and move on crowd”

    • Opposing counsel calls me scorned in court documents as well. She’s a woman. She’s representing a man who thinks a hooker is in love with him…

      • That just astounds me that so many guys think that.

        My fw’s whore wasn’t an actual hooker, but she was known very well for having affairs with married men. (she just couldn’t get the deal sealed until my fw) How these men can think these women are so in love with them, when it is obvious to everyone else they are after a meal ticket, is beyond me. But, they do.

        The whore, got fired not long after they got married for screwing up a dispatch run on the PD. She couldn’t even do that job. I actually just found out that she never got on disability like I thought she did, I guess they didn’t buy her crap. So she got fired, and never went back to work anywhere. He deserved that, and she deserved him.

      • Opposing counsel is using that term to piss you off and label you as unhinged. Even though the scorned definition doesn’t mean unhinged that is the first thing that comes to mind. So your counsel should use terms such as dishonest, untrustworthy, etc. to describe your cheater.

    • Mr. Sparkles called me a “bitch” when I held him accountable to get his remaining shit out of the house the court had decided was mine and mine alone. I shouted back, “Better to be a bitch than a WHORE like you.” Stunned him good. Odd to think that was already 4 years ago… today, I don’t even think I would respond.

  • I have limits to what I will pay for something. Some of those limits are.self-imposed. Others are imposed by the limits of my bank balance.

    I don’t feel like I am entitled to acquire what I want no matter what the cost or by any means possible. That includes a romantic partner. I think a lot of people defend way too much in the name of love, which in the case of affairs is the ultimate irony. This is where the disdain for the chump comes from, I think. They are standing in the way of Love! Who would do such a thing?! Shouldn’t anything done in the pursuit of True Love be justifed?!

    Not in my world.

    I would never abandon my CAT, let alone my family. I make a commitment for life when I adopt an animal. I see a lot of animals I would love to have, but I would never ditch an animal I have adopted for another. I would never live long enough or have the capacity for all the animals I’d love to have as my companions. I do not have the option of adopting any and all animals.

    And cheaters don’t think like this at all.

    I’d rather have quality than quantity, so intimately it’s a good thing he left. There are jillions of people on the planet. You can live a long lonely life trying to experience everyone you’re attracted to, or you can have the rich experience of real love and intimacy by committing to someone and forsaking all others. I’m after the latter, and right now I am committing to ME.

    He lies lies lies and betrays everyone. Including the Craigslist Sole Mate, as much as I choke on saying that. Yet according to him, there is some nebulous Other Reason Out There Somewhere why in his relationships “things aren’t working”.

    As painful as this is, at least I’m not one of the ignorant jerks in the shit show with grand theft deception on my rap sheet.

    • Love this!!
      “There are jillions of people on the planet. You can live a long lonely life trying to experience everyone you’re attracted to, or you can have the rich experience of real love and intimacy by committing to someone and forsaking all others. I’m after the latter, and right now I am committing to ME.”

  • Shakespeare said it best. Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.

    Shakespeare is alluding to bitterness, perhaps… Buti think he’s saying the woman is a badass bitch. This isn’t a woman who submits to the scorn. She gets up and fights it. Which in his day, divorce was hard to come by. So she made cheater’s life a living hell.

    I’m against the whole cancel culture. Let people state their ideas fully and let’s debate them fully. I don’t want to ban Shakespeare, but will give anyone a piece of my mind. It’s the adulterer and adulteress who is scorned, even the Bible says so. The cheated on is a badass, especially when they leave the abuse and call it what it is.

    • That’s not Shakespeare. It was written by a different playwright entirely. “The Mourning Bride” by William Congreve.

      Zara says it,

      “Heav’n has no rage, like love to hatred turn’d,
      Nor hell a fury, like a woman scorn’d.”

    • Someone scorned is someone that is the target of someone else’s contempt, derision. There is really nothing wrong with the word and it accurately depicts a woman that has been cheated on or dumped. The problem is society perceives the word as meaning crazy, deranged, unhinged, etc.

      • A rose by any other name!

        Semantics.

        (Thanks for the correction. I always thought it was Shakespeare. But now I know!).

  • I think from the Fox News affiliate’s standpoint, she is being scorned for being a woman, especially a badass woman. It wouldn’t be of interest if the man owned the car and the woman cheated, she deserved it. No story here.

    It reminds me of a quote I once had on a desk calendar: “A man has to be Joe McCarthy to be called ruthless, all a woman has to do is put you on hold”

  • Similarly I’d like to ditch ” Cuckold “. Makes one sound like poultry. You know like something a rooster with a speech impediment would say. Id like to replace it with fed up angry mother fucker!

    • 😆 Thank you for that

      Now I’ll always picture and hear Foghorn Leghorn from looney toons with that word.
      “I say, I say…whose bitter calling this an affair?”

    • I hate it, too. It’s derived from “brood parasites” (birds that lay eggs in the nest of another species), but used in our context to demean the cheated-on husband, because he wasn’t “man enough” to keep another man away from his wife.

  • Yep, I hate that word too.

    The focus should be on the guilty party, but they always get treated better. Or most times anyway.

    • Yes and there is a certain element of sexism in the implication that men are the ones to cheat not women and a man who is cheated on is not a “real” man.

  • “…she started plotting.” That whole story is sexist AF, not that I expect any better from Fox. Let’s fix that language too. She started planning her escape from her abuser.

  • Not sure if anyone is watching the Allen vs Farrow documentary on HBO, but this is EXACTLY the narrative that Woody Allen tried to use to defend his actions. He called Mia a woman “scorned”. The entire documentary is a real life look at a total narcissist and the way they can use/abuse anyone and everyone as it suits them.

  • Double standards.

    I remember hearing my FIL tell the story of the wife of one of his partners. The partner cheated with a nurse and, when the chumped wife learned of the affair, she stormed into the office waiting room and started yelling, startling the staff and patients. At least that’s how my FIL told the story. This “scorned woman” was completely unhinged.

    NEVER was there any acknowledgment that she had a damn good reason to go on an effing rampage. Nor was there mention that the cheating partner was a TOTAL scumbag, deserving of a tongue lashing.

    People like to portray women as unhinged, bitter, scorned, angry etc… I wonder if the sexes were switched would the story be told in the same way, or would there be sympathy for the poor chumped man?

    There’s a double standard here. It’s not just the word “scorn,” it’s the attitude. And tt’s sexist AF.

  • My ex accused me of making disparaging comments about him… TO MY LAWYER. Who I’d hired to basically forward emails between us because he wasn’t responding to mine. I wanted my stuff back and I wanted shared custody of our cats.
    He made all these awful statements about me to the lawyer, said he’d consider sharing the cats if I was nice enough to him, and then, at the end, offered to be friends. :/

    I got some stuff back (he lied about having some things). I have never seen my cats, even his one ‘update’ on them was full of lies since I am still the vet’s POC.

  • Years ago when I was still married I was having lunch with my mil & some of her friends. I still remember someone waving to a lady at another table & then saying something about the fact that this lady still had health insurance on her ex husband’s plan even though they had been divorced for many years & that he had remarried a younger woman. A few others at the table scoffed at this (still having coverage). I later learned he was a cheater & ex wife had a chronic medical condition of which she later succumbed. I’ll never forget how these ladies treated her as if she was less than them as she hadn’t moved on. Birds of a feather as my inlaws dropped me not too long after dday.

    • So many folks don’t get that benefits have been earned and they don’t necessarily stop at the divorce line.

      And also unfortunately so many folks are ignorant assholes.

  • Given this is FOX News they may have a hard time wrapping their heads around the idea that in the 21st century a woman can own a vehicle in her own name without her husband or boyfriend having to sign off on it.

  • I dislike “scorned” because it implies we were not good enough and therefore rejected. It hangs out with “because she was a frigid b*tch” and “she let herself go” and “of course he deserved a piece on the side.”
    “Scorned” is the aha! word when we don’t meekly, in greatest humility, tiptoe into a corner to accept whatever crumbs life might henceforth allow us. Got a badass lawyer and took the cheater to the cleaners in the divorce? What else could you expect from that frumpy frigid b*tch that had been rightfully cheated on? She wasn’t hurt or seeking justice, she was just scorned!
    What really burns my toast here is that women are held responsible for all of it — his cheating, the inability to put the marriage back together, the contentious outcome in the divorce court. And in the press and on wagging tongues, SCORNED means exactly one thing: “she wasn’t a good sport about it.”

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