Have a Bitch Cookie
It’s time for another round of Bitch Cookie! For those of you new to CN, part of the lexicon here (introduced by member emeritus Rumblekitty) is “bitch cookie.” A bitch cookie is the reward that jerks demand for doing something they should be doing anyway as a matter of decency.
Would your co-parenting fuckwit like extra credit for taking the kids on his scheduled weekend? Bitch cookie!
Hey, it’s not like I spent the entire 401K on sex workers…. Bitch cookie!
I was faithful for entire months. Double chocolate chunk bitch cookie!
So what great feats of underachievement would you like to reward with a bitch cookie? Weigh in — and TGIF!
The EX always wanted special gold stars for good intentions. At the direction of a marriage counselor, he once wrote up a confession of some of the things he had done (stuff I already found out, naturally, because he never confessed to anything unless I already knew). His confession letter was a long list of cheating, fraud, and abuse. He balked for a few minutes about giving it to me. “I don’t think it is a good representation of me,” he said. The counselor asked, “Is it all true, or are there things that are false?” He said, “Oh, it’s all true. But I feel like it doesn’t give me credit for my good intentions. I’m a nice guy.”
Ha Ha ! This is classic!
My ex-cheaterpants also insisted that he was a “good person” despite everything he had done….how do you figure?
I saw a defendant who had shot 22 people with a rifle say “Even IF I did that, it doesn’t make me a bad person.”
That insane bullshit is all about THEIR intentions NOW (not when they did the shitty thing and obviously intended harm, or didn’t care about harm)
and it’s a CHEATER MANTRA
Yep, same.
This gem was spewed out at me a week after day:
“I was a good husband” and “I never intended to hurt you”.
I think he actually believes all that.
Same here, my ex felt that good intentions counted as actions. He *meant* to help me with the kids, so that counts. He *thought* about supporting me in getting a degree, but didn’t stop adding new sports and activities to his calendar to be away all the time. It’s like the stress of the intentions made it feel real enough for him.
Ooooh, yeah, the good intentions! My Ex apparently figured that the fact he didn’t do the things he did IN ORDER to hurt me or the kids should lead us to have no anger about the hurt he did cause. The fact he would have known very well what those hurts would be, if he had thought about it for even one second, was apparently irrelevant. He’s STILL angry that the kids haven’t forgiven him for abandoning them, because he didn’t INTEND it to be abandonment. (Of course, in his mind they haven’t forgiven him because I’m poisoning them against him.)
He even claimed that, although he was sometimes scary, he didn’t INTEND to scare us. Our fear was apparently all a misunderstanding! Because, ya know, it’s easy to misunderstand when your spouse (who is of course much bigger and stronger than you) is holding you up against a wall with one big hand around your throat, screaming at you. Or when your father is smashing to smithereens his expensive, precious work laptop you were watching videos on, while of course also screaming at you. So loudly that the neighbour comes knocking to see if everything is ok. (Thank heavens for that neighbour, the kids were at his place, post-separation.)
This is so like my ex. He wanted to focus on “my” transgressions. I’ve mentioned this before, but this is the guy, a cross-dressing, disordered, financially devious momma’s boy of epic proportions who told me, after smearing my reputation, that he would be “an advocate for you, if you would only let me”. Gee, thanks.
Chumplandia:
We married the same man…mine is also a transvestite, disordered, financially devious momma’s boy who focuses on my transgressions. Such as the fact that I often leave the lights on when I leave a room. He actually told me that this made us equal: I disrespected him by leaving lights on and he disrespected me by having a secret sexual life and telling me hundreds of lies when it all came out. So we’re all good now, right? He also smears me behind my back. Difference is you’ve escaped and I haven’t yet. Good for you, Chumplandia, and I hope to follow in your footsteps.
Oh, the condescension! What a noble sausage!
OMG THIS
Carol 39, I feel like your story captures in a nutshell the deranged essence of these cheaters. Of course, mine also thinks that his good intentions, or even his supposed lack of malicious intent, outweighs all the terrible things he’s done IRL.
Here’s a few bitch cookies from my jar:
“Well, it would be NICE if you congratulated me.” (After passing a polygraph, just prior to which he revealed more depravity, out of fear of being busted.)
“Not EVERYTHING I said was a lie. Some of the things I told you were true!”
“This isn’t easy on me, either.”
To get the full effect you have to deliver these lines in a petulant whine. But CN already knows that.
Our original badass therapist busted the “good intentions” excuse.
“It doesn’t matter what you meant. That’s what you DID.”
Not like it helped extinguish unacceptable behavior. He stayed on the work crew paving the road to hell.
But at least there was someone in the room besides me validating that intentions are worthless currency.
Very happy you found a decent therapist early on. Better than gold
She was the original from when we started dating exclusively (or so I thought). I had been seeing her for five years on my own before I met him. I wanted to go with him as preventive maintenance. So we did, and I because of that I did not see the secret double life for far too many years.
There have been two therapists in the room the whole 27 years we were together. He still cheated lied etc. But it was still very good money spent as I have witnesses who can testify when he tries to rewrite history…..
This was THE best part of meeting as a couple with a good therapist.
VALIDATION!
The continuous gaslighting can cause you to doubt reality. But when an enlightened third party calls it what it is the weight of confusion falls away.
My ex was a “nice guy” too.
Except that the ones who proclaim that usually aren’t.
If he has to say he’s a nice guy….well, ya know.
Of good intentions is paved the road to hell
This is so true of my ex too. He wants to be given privileges and rewards for just being a nice guy. His charm and personality should get him rewards regardless of the behavior.
Hahahahaaaa! Right, because cheating, fraud and abuse are motivated by good intentions.
They all try to claim they didn’t intend harm, but claiming he intended to do good is a whole other level of stupid and dishonest.
My ex was full of “good intentions” too, no matter what he did. There must be a lot of Good Intentions Guys.
For sure, they all have good intentions. Mine said he never told me because he didn’t want to end our marriage and didn’t want to hurt me (very original). But really, how sweet that you didn’t tell me because you wanted our marriage that supposedly you were so happy in… well how about IF YOU DON’T WANT TO END OUR MARRIAGE, DON’T DO THE THING THAT YOU KNOW IS GOINF TO END IT?? Seems simple enough, right? But his intentions for lying were good.
I totally validate what you are saying! The “I never meant to hurt you” but he shows no remorse. That was 4 years ago…
our little girl is now 8 and he has had supervised visits only for these 4 years. Visits that my mom and I have to supervise so it is as no contact as I can make it. He says he is in AA but his silence, words and actions don’t show that he is working the program. He thinks I am the controlling one and that I have the power to lift the restrictions….he has shown no proof of his program! That and he is a porn/sex addict that exposed our daughter to porn when she was 3 and gave her a pendant accidentally that said “nasty woman” on it when she was 6 and learning to read. He has to show proof of both SA and AA to change the custody order so I do have some power there.
He never intended to give her the pendant and I know that but it isn’t about his intentions, but is about how irresponsible his actions are. Now he says “I apologize for any and all pain you may feel from your interpretation of my actions”… WTF?
His “apology” is word salad. How big of him to apologize for your interpretation of his creepy behavior.
Ha ha, Randy Travis has a song about “the road to hell is paved with good intentions”!
The medal ceremony he felt he needed when he did the laundry or out the trash out ????♀️ Sheesh that was exhausting #bitchcookie #medalceremony
Yes! This exactly – the praise for cooking a meal once-a-month. For helping change sheets – as FW was unable to change a duvet cover solo he naturally assumed I was unable to change a bed without his assistance. And, at the therapist – the martyr explained that I had LEFT my family for an total of 6 weeks in the previous year because I had intercontinental business trips. No matter that my mother stayed to take care of the kids. Or that fuckwit went on holiday for 2 weeks with schmoopie. Or that by the time we were in divorce therapy I had been caring for the kids as single parent for 5 months.
Same here! Any housework that I do, I just do it without complaint and I don’t expect (not that I would get, anyway) thanks and praise for one bit of it. Yard and housework is just stuff that needs doing. But OMG, woe to the FW. He has to wipe off the counter after I prepped and cooked an entire meal, served it, cleared dishes, and hand washed what needed hand washing. As I finish the last dish, I hear it. “Well! I guess *I* have to wipe off the counter again!” He doesn’t dust, mop, vacuum, scrub tubs, toilets, or sinks but he WIPES THE COUNTER! He has also thrown laundry in the wash and expected a major award.
Here is your bitch cookie with raisins in it, FW, since I know you hate raisins.
Same! He always wanted to be thanked for the 1-in-100 things he did around the house compared to me (and we both worked).
A couple of weeks before I busted him for cheating, he asked for praise easily 25 times for a meal he dumped out of a jar and warmed up, and that was also inappropriate for the family’s diet. I of course cooked healthy meals from scratch, plus did the dishes the next morning when he left them in the sink.
How did I let everything get that bad and one-sided? I was a feminist for X-sake and made that clear from the beginning.
Oh, but he always made a big deal of the simple salads he’d throw together for extended family meals and get heaps of praise for being such a good husband. Blah.
It’s so exhausting having to hear this but I’m glad I’m not the only one! If I wanted the lawn mowed, I had to start on a Tuesday. First I’d gaze out the window…”the grass looks great, but maybe a bit long?” Hint hint. On Thursday I’d say, “the forecast is good for the weekend, maybe we could get out there and do some gardening?” Hint hint. On Saturday morning when he finally got his ass out of bed around 11, I’d be out gardening and I’d say, “it’s lovely out here! I’d love it if you’d join me!” Hint hint. He’d sit all afternoon on his iPad, then move to the office on his computer, then when it was time to make dinner he’d get into his work clothes, and go out and mow the lawn (not help with dinner). He’d take ages to do a 20 minute job, and make us wait for him to finish while I kept the dinner warm.
Then – no shit – I had to praise him all dinner long about how much of a man he was for mowing the lawn. He’d look out there and talk about how awesome it looked, how good he was at keeping the lawn nice, and how much better his lawn looked compared to the next door neighbor. “Thank you so much! You’re great! I love how you look after the lawn!” I’d have to say. Gross, gross, gross.
This crazy making behaviour went with every adult job. And yes, I am a feminist – or at least I was before the abusive fuckwit turned me into an appliance. I’m so glad to be rid of my life of creative begging, pleading, and walking on eggshells to try and get the tiniest scraps of cooperation. It’s mind melting and dull.
Formally, I could have written your post word for word. We have a small front lawn that took him almost all afternoon to mow. I have a lawn service now and it takes the gardener less than 10 minutes to mow and edge.
after he finished taking care of the lawn, he’d come inside, gaze out our front window admiring his work, like yours, telling me we had the best looking lawn in the neighborhood. He’d go on and on, then he’d say aren’t you going to thank me? I’d thank him, let him know how much I appreciated him taking care of the lawn, tell him what a great job he did. Agree that our lawn looked so much better than our neighbors. It was a scene that played out weekly.
I’d ask him to take out the trash, then come back inside and repeatedly remind me that he took out the trash. did you notice I took out the trash?? I’d say thank you at least three times. I don’t recall him ever thanking me for doing the grocery shopping, fixing dinner, and taking care of everything else.
I remember asking him to do small tasks that I wasn’t able to reach to do myself. His answer was always not right now. Changing the battery in our smoke alarm would take him an hour, ex would be up and down the ladder, lots of deep sighs. After he moved out I needed to change the battery in the smoke alarm, thinking it was difficult after watching ex I considered calling a handyman. I decided to try to replace it on my own before I called anyone. It took me three minutes to change the battery.
Every time we went anywhere we had to wait for him to get ready. It took him longer than any of us. We would get in his truck, ready to back out the driveway, and he’d stop, say he forgot something. After 10 minutes he’d come back, look in the rear view mirror then brush his hair.
This gives them a feeling of power, he will decide what he does and when. No one tells him what to do.., and if they do something everyone needs to know what a great guy he is.
Holy shit Brit! Yes, this. But at least you got the lawn mowed weekly, mine was every four weeks (ha! Just joking…it sucks). I too had the discoveries of what I could do by myself. In fact, with the taxes (see other posts), he spent hours and hours even when we had an accountant. He told me it was too complex for me to grasp and I needed to stay out of it. We live overseas so there are a few layers to it. When I took over the taxes after he left and had to catch up, it took me about one hour. I virtually had a panic attack and I yelled at the accountant because I told him there was no way I was actually done with the taxes. He kept assuring me that I was done and that he’d handled everything else. It took me ages to calm down from that because I had a sense that the taxes were an almighty horrid time suck that couldn’t be helped – that’s what my husband told me. My tax accountant is now like my second therapist because he knows that my ex was using this to control me. And the first time I mowed the lawn myself it took me 20 damn minutes! And of course, there was no on there to thank me.
And like you, we always had to wait. He took far longer to eat than anyone else, longer to shower, longer to get dressed. He never knew directions to a place, he was late. When we were leaving for a trip he would wait until the 11th hour to pack, then instead of help get the house ready with me he would whip out his laptop and say he forgot that he had important work to do – he’d make the taxi driver wait while the family had already loaded their suit cases into the car headed to the airport. When we entertained at our house, he would take an extraordinarily long time to make drinks for the guests – my friends still talk about that and we laugh now!
My abuse therapist at women’s refuge just says, “yep, that’s the crazy making in action”. It keeps everyone off kilter, anxious, uncertain, and upset. It’s easier to control people who are wired to wait for that person and feel like they can’t act without them. And yes, they want to look like a great guy. Interestingly in my case, he took his selfish shit too far and most people just got sick of him controlling everything. For example, some guys he used to play cards with finally stopped inviting him because he took so damn long to take his turn they couldn’t stand to play with him. This behaviour is also back firing with our daughter – she doesn’t like to stay over at his place because she has no sense he can get her from point a to b when she needs it (e.g. school!).
Sorry this happened to you too, but it’s nice to know I’m not the only one. This was a truly mind fucking and exhausting part of my life for 25 years. I find this so odd that it goes with serial cheating. I guess it’s just all the same entitlement behaviour. This chat board is almost as much as narcissistic abuse as it is infidelity.
Hugs
Incandescent Chump,
Your story made me weep. Yes, I hope karma comes down hard. I’m giving your child self a big cosmic hug.
What is wrong with people? I have so many sad stories that haunt me like your childhood, but from my marriage. The most recent one before DDay was when I had surgery for skin cancer on my face. It was one of those moments when the doctors said they didn’t know what they were going to find. I was either going to have a small scar if the cancer was small, or half my forehead would be gone if it was large. They took a marker and mapped out the areas on my hip in case they needed to do a skin graft. I asked my husband to come with me (of course) and he asked, “do I have to be there the whole time?” It always put me into this predicament of wanting to say, “yes” but part of me was feeling like why would I want him to stay with me the whole time if he had to fucking ask. Didn’t he give a shit that I was terrified, worried I was going to walk out of there virtually deformed and maybe need chemo? On that day, he dropped me off at the doctor’s surgery and he said, “do you want a coffee?” I guess he didn’t notice that I couldn’t eat or drink anything. “No thanks” I said and reminded him I was fasting. “Oh, whoops. I’ll be right back,” he said. I protested and asked if he would please stay with me and that the waiting room has coffee. “I can’t drink that” he said. And, when I was out of the first part of the operation, he wasn’t there. So, I sat in a room alone and waited for the pathologists. Hours later, my husband rushed in just as I was getting stitched up. He looked frantic, disheveled and apologetic like always in those situations. He looked like he felt really guilty and I burst into tears. The nurses shot each other that knowing look. I waited and waited for him to ask what the pathology report said. He never did ask. About 3 weeks later, over dinner one night, I said. Hey, did you notice I got my stitches out today and I’m cancer free. He dropped his fork and made a big sweeping gesture about how relieved he was and literally ran around the house doing a stupid dance. I guess that was suppose to make up for the fact that he didn’t even notice a thing about my cancer and what it meant for my life. When I think about those times I always think how gross it is that he was out fucking strange and leaving me at home without love. Fuck him for treating me so badly. And yes, my daughter and I are so much better off without his shit. People who I meet on the street care more about me than he did. I can’t wait for the karma bus either…bring it on!
When I was in middle school, we were posted to what was then considered an under-developed nation. My father arrived there a month ahead of us and chose to rent a house that was way out in the bush, not even on a bus route, over ten miles from any towns or schools, even from his work–they were all in the same place, over ten miles from us. We had only one car, which he always took and kept with him at work (near our school). In those days, cars were very hard to come by in that part of the world, they were not manufactured anywhere nearby; so my mother was very isolated for many months, and a ride from him was the only way we could get to school. He would make us late for school several times a week, week after week, and yes, he had a hangover, but his hangovers never made him late for early morning golf or tennis or anything that mattered to him. The teachers at the school we attended blamed us kids for the lateness, not him. We were already constantly having to prove ourselves academically because the teachers did not like Americans, and my father knew this. But he continued to give them ammunition for their sarcastic bullying by making us late. It was just his little way of showing that he felt that he should not have to deal with that particular part of adulting…I was suddenly taken ill at school later that year with a malarial- type illness, with waves of very high fever. The school nurse called his job first, then finally tracked him down at his social club, to ask him to pick me up to take me to the doctor or home. Instead he insisted that I walk from school to his social club with my brother, in the intense heat. Then he left us waiting outside the club bar (no kids allowed there) while he “finished a drink with his friends”. After over half an hour, during which a kind waitress went in twice to remind him that I was waiting there and helped me clean up my vomit, he finally breezed outside to take us home–no apology, no concern or affection shown. I was ten years old. I was sick for weeks.
When I think about all this now, as an adult, I realize that his behavior and choices were almost all designed to sabotage our progress, to isolate us, in order to give him more emotional and financial control over our family. Even making a young daughter with a high fever wait for him outside a club bar while he finished a drink was intended to make me feel pathetically grateful for any small crumb of parenting he finally did provide. But it did not work. I saw through it all very clearly back then, and wrote him off then and forever as an unreliable, selfish, cruel asshole. After that, he could never fool me–I sorely missed having a loving father, but I never mistook him for one. I think it is really important for those of us who consider staying with a fuckwit “because of the kids”, to remember how very clear-eyed kids can be about recognizing narcissistic fuckery and seeing through it. The only good times in that country that I can remember, were the times when my father was away on work trips.
Getting back to my cheater, Mr. Sleazy, and his bitch cookie–Mr. Sleazy confided to me, during the course of D-day, that he had actually felt a twinge of guilt early in our relationship, the day I had shared with him some pictures of me as a child–that he had strongly wanted, for a moment back then, to confess to the massive deception he was perpetrating on me, and that whenever he saw the photo again, he felt guilty! Apparently those photos created a brief moment where he could see me as a human being and not just an appliance. But, his guilt did not last for long, and it was never strong enough to get him to confess. Because his coming clean about his other entanglement/s would have allowed me to choose whether I wanted to be in a relationship with a cheater, and he correctly suspected I would dump him under those circumstances… he didn’t want to give up that much power over me and the terms of our relationship, so he kept quiet. So, Mr. Sleazy, you fuckwit lying son of a bitch, you evil user and corrupter of innocence (because yes, even an adult woman can still be innocent and trusting, and I certainly was!), here’s a bitch cookie for those few twinges of guilt and empathy that you felt and decided to ignore when you saw pictures of me as a child. I hope karma hits you so hard that you choke on it.
Formerly Known:
I hear what you’re saying, but your “hint hint” method sounds a lot like the passive-aggressive manipulation I used to get from my STBX, who expected me to read minds. As someone who’s been on the other end of hints that likely lead to resentment, I beg you to please just ask in simple language for what you want/need. Now, I get that your ex might still have ignored your requests without suggesting workable alternatives, and then it would be time to set boundaries around that form of stonewalling.
If I ever date again, this will be one of my first requests: no hints. Just ask. If I can’t do something you ask for, I promise to at least have the conversation openly with you.
Oh except that I did ask! The hinting was my response to being beaten down by asking. How dare I ask? He would be mad – really mad. So I just changed my techniques up. The hinting phase was me being beaten down completely. What it ended up as is the lawn, taxes, whatever just not getting done. I did what I could all by myself but a lot had to go. Once, we had smelly garbage stacked up outside for 6 weeks because he kept forgetting to take it. He was mad if I reminded him and even madder if I did it. So I decided just to let it go. Then, of course, he felt bad about himself and was pissed off that I didn’t remind him. When I said I did but that he yelled at me, he said it was my fault and that I had anger management issues. He said he did the taxes, but when he left, I discovered they were 5 years behind. So I know what you mean LezChump, but seriously? I tried everything before devolving to a sniveling beggar! Every time I asked for something directly, he either didn’t do it or got mad at me for asking. WTF?
One of the signs of a controlling or abusive person is that they pretend it is an accident that they HABITUALLY neglect their adult responsibilities “I didn’t notice it was an issue”, BUT they still punish and denigrate their partner for asking/reminding them “I’ll do it if you stop nagging me all the time” AND they blame the partner if their neglect of adulting tasks has an adverse consequence for them personally (“why didn’t you wake me up in time for work after my all-night bender?” “Why wasn’t the lawn looking good for my Dad’s visit?”.) It is no accident that they put the chump in this horrible no-win situation–they are deliberately setting up a plausible deniability conflict so they can denigrate or abuse the chump in order to re-establish control (“I had to hit her, she just won’t stop nagging me!” ). Basically, they believe they are entitled to be waited on and to have all the boring details of adulting taken care of for them, that their time is worth more than anyone else’s. But in another layer of sleaziness and abuse, often they are deliberately sabotaging the partner’s goals–eg making the family late or exhausted in order to isolate the chump socially or professionally, or forcing the chump to put way more of the chump’s time into what should be shared house and child care than is fair, in order to financially or socially sabotage the chump.
I should add that he did things that made him feel good or look good. Only. He would talk a big game to our friends and family about what a great handy man he was and take big credit for this. But what people didn’t see was the sheer hell it was for me to get him to do anything in the marriage. An example – he used to sit around at dinner parties and spew tax advice to our other expat friends (and yet, ours weren’t done!) I think you get the idea…it was crazy making and abusive as fuck.
FormerlyKnownAs, I too am a feminist that was turned into an appliance. Like you, it was basically “every adult job” that I ended up doing because it was exhausting to keep asking and being made to feel like I was requesting that he walk on hot coals.
How hard is it to bring in the mail (mailbox is out by the street) if you’re the first one home? Or take out the trash and recycling without being asked? He’d do that stuff in the early years but gradually it became clear that he found chores (and adulting in general) beneath him. Entitled asshole.
Or all the times I had to ask him to roll down the car window if he farted?
You should only have to ask that once, yet I had to ask him every time we were in the car together.
For 27 years.
Every. Single. Effen. Time.
Now I enjoy nothing but the smell of vintage Mercedes leather. Haha, you feeble fucking farting fucker.
My dad did the same. And poor him that I don’t want much contact after he screamed at my (possibly autistic) kid for being a “terrible child”.
I remember being about 13 and my dad leaving the master bedroom and my mom was cooking and he said to her , “ you need to empty the trash basket in bathroom “
Even at that age I wondered why HE didn’t do it .
Then of course I marry a narcissist . Two
I’m reading The Human Magnet: The Codependent Narcissist Trap by Ross Rosenberg…my therapist suggested this one and it’s a goody.
The ticker tape parade that was expected to occur when he stayed home sick, asked me what he was supposed to do with the kids and had to be told to get the kids ready for school. He was sulky when I didn’t cover him with kisses in slobbering gratitude for doing so that evening when I got home from work.
Actually, I think my answer was, “Make them into a chili. What the hell do you THINK you’re supposed to do with them? Are they supposed to stay home and nurse you?”
#YoureAParent #SuckItUp #AreYouKiddingMe
To my children upon discovery of his ho worker and abandonment ‘I didn’t think having a long affair would be right’.. But the 8 month affair, well that was OK! Wtf!!
He got rid of a mistress who didn’t really want his sorry ass anyway.
Ginger snap bitch cookie!
He stopped hanging around with and hero worshipping raging alcoholic narcissists and psychopaths who were whiny little sad sausage bitches like him, constantly blaming their spouses for the dismal failure they made of their lives by being dirtbag losers.
Oatmeal raisin bitch cookie!
He finally hung a robe hook on his daughter’s bedroom door after being asked to for five years.
Shortbread bitch cookie!
He got around to hanging pictures in the house he had insisted we buy, after angrily refusing to let me hang them myself and promising he would do it for six years.
Tollhouse bitch cookie!
He “let” me get a dog for my birthday after I had been asking for one for several years and he coldly refused every time, even though he likes dogs.
Fucking Keebler elves bitch cookie!
He agreed, after being blasted for his entitled
bullshit by the whole family, that he was obligated to put his own dirty dishes in the dishwasher just like everybody else. This was after stating that he had no such obligation and having a raging shitfit over me having the audacity to expect the most basic level of gender equality.
Baked like the pie in The Help bitch cookie!
I could go on all day. This guy is one lazy, selfish dick.
After asking for a divorce (which he denied asking for) and I told him fine then we are just housemates, dumbfounded that I refused to do his laundry, cook his meals, and clean up his mess.
Entitled Narcissistic Bitch Cookie
Same here!
FW forced to explain how I got an STD:
“I never had feelings for those women- I only love YOU, Gal60!”
~I spit in the cookie dough Bitch Cookie~
Yep, the EX was so proud of the fact that his whores were just whores and he didn’t even know their names. Like that made it better. I felt even worse about it, like … why would you blow up our marriage to have sex with some random white you don’t even care about?
Good grief. I tried to type “some random whore”. That’s the worst autocorrect ever.
????????????????????
After BD2/discard the last time, he said he would come back for my birthday to “bake me a cake and cook me a meal”.
He shows up late, angry and in a hurry to bake such unsolicited cake and meal. I asked what was his big hurry and he became more irritated. He came to ruin my birthday, and after a few jabscand threats to make my day miserable, he declared : “at least. I’m here present, as you know I haven’t been here for your birthday in years”.
Cinnamon Bitch Cookie with gold sprinkles!
(His mistress and him like to travel for Valentine’s day, my bd is two days before and she knew it, so she made a point to travel on my bd. This year was no exception, his big hurry was that she was waiting for him to flight out to Florida!)
Queen, my birthday is tomorrow, and I’m trying NOT to associate it with the one we “celebrated” several years ago, when dumbass Ex took me out to dinner and a movie. His favorite restaurant; he’s the movie addict, but heck, I was glad to get any acknowledgement at all after years of him tossing me a birthday card and a bag of schlock at about 10pm.
He was practically snapping at me “Chew, swallow, chew, swallow” in his impatience to get the evening over. We decided to do the movie the next day, as my stomach was in knots and my face hurt from grinning like a deranged maniac during the whole horrible evening.
The next day we saw the movie, and on the way home he broke the news to me that he had already gotten an apartment, spent a fortune on new furniture, and would be moving out the next day.
In retrospect, March 6 is definitely a day to celebrate my fuck-wit free life. Yay me! As my therapist counseled me, I am acknowledging the feelings, blowing them away, relaxing my shoulders, taking a deep and cleansing breath, and going on about my day.
Happy FW Free Birthday, Eirene!
I hope you have a delightful day doing things YOU love!
On my normal way to work, the path I’ve driven for 17 years, I pass an ugly used car lot the office of which is an ugly building that used to house an Italian Restaurant. That is where the entirety of my 40th birthday celebration was held. 3 cranky kids and food not delivered at the same time. This was all I got.
He surely earned a bitch cookie for doing-up with wife’s birthday.
gah
New husband too me on a yacht cruise to the Aegean for my 50th
I’d like to see this in a movie– sort of an anti-EatPreyWuv type thing about a chump leveling up.
OMG!!! …anti-EatPreyWuv ????????????
Rev Cheaterpants “only got blowjobs” from fellow Rev Dogface. Bitch cookie for (supposedly) not having sex.
Well then why didn’t he digitally record the bjs and post them on FB?
What the hell happened to decorum? Civilization probably began slipping generations ago, but for me it started with the horrible television talk shows of the 1980s where family members beat each other up, and it continues with the moronic reality-show culture so prevalent today. Thank god I never had to deal with some asshole sending dick pics.
How fun for her? Just giving blow jobs? sure, sure
What is it with cheaters thinking oral isn’t sex? It’s called “oral sex” for god’s sakes. When my wife cheated with a woman (she cheated with men too) she claimed it should be no big deal because there was “only oral” involved. Therefore it’s a huge overreaction on my part, right? These people…
Like you would want to kiss that mouth, knowing where it has been. Ick.
It’s the Bill Clinton defense …
PWCNM,
I am clearly coming at this from a Chump perspective …. but which bit of oral sex doesn’t count as sex?
Sometimes I think that cheaters should be beaten with a sock full of bitch-cookie dough.
LFTT
I wish I didn’t know this about oral sex. (I nursed ex through stage 4 oral cancer treatment. It was, as the Ear, Nose, and Throat doc predicted, “brutal” but it’s usually survivable. But I know someone whose husband did not survive it.)
Oral cancers are on the rise and are expected to outpace new cervical cancer cases (info I’m using here is from Cleveland Clinic, but many reputable sources have cited the studies about this). Oral HPV is the reason.
“The No. 1 risk” is “having multiple oral sex partners.” And yes, the doctors who treat this know that oral sex is in fact sex. Duh.
Here are some oral sex related fun facts:
Most people who are treated for oral cancer must have a feeding tube surgically placed in their stomachs prior to the treatment. That’s because the radiation burns the mouth and throat so that the flesh in there looks like raw hamburger. Even if the patient can eat without excruciating pain, food tastes like cardboard because the taste buds are fried too. Oral thrush (yeast infection) is extremely common during treatment, so the burned mouth looks like there’s always cottage cheese in there.
Pepperidge Farm bitch cookie to FW who “let” me use the thermostat. He had installed an electronic thermostat and put a passcode on it before going out of the country for work for the month of January. My 2 year old and I were freezing. He wanted me to call or text him – he was 5 time zones away – to request heat. He would then set it at 62.
I posted on FB that I was checking son and I into a nice hotel for a staycation since we can’t use the heat at home. I made sure everyone knew what he was doing. It got back to him that I was checking into a hotel and he relented and removed the passcode. So everyone got to know about him being a dick and it was the first time some dear friends learned the full extent of what I was dealing with and offered so much support. It is why there are only 2 Switzerland friends.
But any time I need to turn on the heat, I am supposed to be so grateful to be allowed to use it. Never mind that I pay for it, dumbass. There are no words for how abnormal he is. Here’s your bitch cookie, asshole.
Omg. I would be calling an electrician the minute he was gone, RIP the whole damn thing out of the wall and install a new thermostat that *I* control. Pass coded by me. While I was at it, I’d have the locks changed too! And the bank accounts. And so on. Good RIDDANCE
I’d call an electrician to remove the thermostat
Actually, he had the temperature triggered off of a remote sensor in the bedroom. It was detachable from its base. So I removed it and put it out on the porch so it always thought it was 20 degrees and would keep the heat running until I brought it inside.
Mine was a Thermostat Controller as well. He liked it nice and comfortable while he was home, but right before he left the house to do anything he’d turn it off. I didn’t know that these could be password protected, which explains why I couldn’t get it to work.
One happy outcome of this is when I told our MC this…she screamed at him “Do you want to be divorced? Because every time I’ve had a couple where one partner did this, they divorced.”
Same here with control of the heat and constantly turning out lights in rooms people were walking through – cold and dark too.
Awful to remember but such validation from CN ????????
My Ex did the same. Would turn out the lights when I was in the room.
Same to lights. Same to thermostat. Was generous because he let me have hot showers (water tank turned down otherwise). My safe haven part of the house had to be boarded up all winter because too much heat was wasted otherwise (I wouldn’t have minded if he hadn’t turned into to such an abusive jerk). He insisted upon putting large frozen milk jugs in the fridge to save energy, but the fridge was such a constant battle for space because he was such a hoarder that it was ridiculous. We were both frugal, and I am completely on board with energy and cost-saving measures, but this stuff was pennies. I didn’t have a say (and if I ever tried to have one, about anything, I was “difficult,” and obviously silly and wrong, so I eventually grew resigned and gave up to avoid conflict). None of this was reasonable. It was about entitlement and control, plain and simple.
Oh for fuck’s sake, mine was always fiddling with the damn thermostat (both heat and AC).
One summer day I left a window open to let the cool morning air in and forgot to close it when the AC kicked on later in the day. This was a capital offense!!
I don’t think this was about money. This was about CONTROL and ENTITLEMENT. If it was stuff for him, it was good and warranted. He ran warm so didn’t want the heat turned up. To hell with the rest of the family. Who cares if our daughter has to wear fingerless gloves to practice the violin.
My ex bought loads of shittata for himself. It was like Christmas every day! The UPS guy and I became friends. I remember that he got excited for me when one of the packages was addressed to me.
OMG! I used to read for a few minutes before I went to sleep; my STBX would turn out the light while I was reading without a word to me! It irritated me, but I never thought of it as being abusive! See how I was trained!
It was only in retrospect that I realized that Cheater REALLY DID want to be divorced but he was never going to take full accountability for it. He went through long campaigns of intentionally abusing me to get me to pull the trigger and file. When his abuse didnt work, he asked to go to marriage counseling to get the counselor to tell us that we needed to divorce.
What that ghastly coward needed to do was to live with some integrity and simply tell me that he was going to divorce me and then be decent. He was incapable of that sort of strength or decency.
Now that I realize his larger plan. Im humiliated that I stayed so long with someone who held me in such contempt.
My cheater did the exact same thing—ramp up the abuse to get me to leave, and when it didn’t work, go to a therapist (first time ever!) and say she told him to leave to preserve his happiness. Problem is…he picked a therapist I’d been to before, and I knew she never told people things like that. Coward is exactly the right word. And the whole time he got to do things that felt good for him—scream at me and fuck around with other women—while I was home crying my eyes out wondering what was happening to my marriage. Zero courage, empathy, respect, and honor.
I think mine did a bit of this too. He seemed miserable and always told me it was about work. He was an absolutely emotionally manipulative prick, neglectful, boring, lazy and generally a shitty husband. Plus, he was massively entitled. I would ask him all the time if he loved me. Do you even like me? Are you cheating on me? What is wrong? Blah blah blah. Then he went to counseling and he came home saying he was depressed and that the counselor said that lots of couples have open marriages. What the fuck? It was totally out of left field. DDay happened like 3 years later. So, he really did seem to want to dump me, he just didn’t know how. But I gave him so many chances to come clean and talk about why he was unhappy. But here’s the kicker – when it all came tumbling down, he said that the marital break up was all my fault. That it wasn’t the cheating that broke us up. That he’d been trying to tell me how unhappy he was and I just didn’t listen. It was all my fault and now he hates me. To top it all, he won’t even bother to finish the divorce and won’t separate our property, won’t disclose, etc. So which is it? Did he really want a divorce or not? Seems to me if he did he would be dying to get rid of me and finish it. Instead, he just left the home 18 months ago and won’t engage. Anyone else have this shit?
Yes, exactly the same here in the UK. Exactly the same, save that I didn’t know about the affair until after he had gone. For the last 6 months his behaviour was appalling. Abusive, cruel, leaving me with post traumatic stress. I see a therapist twice a week. He left 2 months after my father died, during which time the campaign of cruelty ramped up. I had no job, childless, 59. Got jobs, got divorced, earning more than I ever have, got a dog (wanted one for years – he would buy me books about dogs and memorabilia, but always said ‘not yet’ to getting a dog). All in a global pandemic!
I was told that I didn’t have a growth mindset and had wasted my talents. I made people feel ‘very, very uncomfortable’. He’s not so clever now, the pathetic little idiot.
MighyWarrior,
You are aptly named!!! So mighty!!!????
Congratulations! Oh, and he IS a pathetic little idiot. I have other words but will refrain. #Sunday
My cheater discarded and pushed aggressively for a divorce, so no foot-dragging there at all. But if I had to guess based on the very similar abuse patterns of our cheaters, I would say that refusal to engage goes with the cowardice Unicornomore was talking about above.
Jumping into another woman’s bed and getting all the ego kibbles that come with that is easy and fun. Getting an actual divorce is hard and painful (just like working on oneself or one’s marriage is). Narcs can’t adult. Even when they go through the motions (having a job, wife, etc.), it’s an act: they are constitutionally incapable of the emotional work involved in adulting. They’ve spent their whole lives coming up with sophisticated tricks to bewitch, beg, or bully women into doing the adulting for them, and getting an actual divorce falls into that category as well.
And you have to factor in the shame as well. Part of the narcissist’s trick of projection is to project all the shitty things they feel about themselves and are doing to you *onto* you—so they can pretend you’re the source of all the shit in their lives and thus get rid of all their shit if they get rid of you. Having to actually deal with you in your reality and pain fucks up that fantasy, so they avoid it by whatever means possible. Mine avoided it by ripping off our marriage like a bandaid; yours seems to be avoiding it by pretending it doesn’t exist and, once again, making you do the adulting.
I’m so sorry. Maybe some folks have some ideas about how to light a fire under your cheater. It depends on the legal situation as well. I’m in a no-fault state, and we just went through a mediator. Even so, my cheater did drag his feet at the end on following through with separating accounts, etc., once the divorce decree was signed. I just sent him a text asking him if he was genuinely refusing to abide by the divorce decree so I could pass that info along to my lawyer, and that did the trick for getting things moving again. He doesn’t like conflict or spending money, so that’s all the leverage I needed. But I don’t know your situation. Sending big ((hugs)) though.
“Part of the narcissist’s trick of projection is to project all the shitty things they feel about themselves and are doing to you *onto* you….” THIS!!!
My ex did this to me all the time. Once he could unload that shit, he felt better. Of course, I felt worse, but who cares?
I’ve been NC for months now. So, although he must still use me as a convenient receptacle for his shitty emotions, I would imagine that it’s not as easy in the abstract. Wonder if the OW does the honors now. One can only hope.
Unbelievable. I bet the password for the thermostat was the same for his smartphone?
I think keeping the house cold was a form of control and abuse. I also dealt with that w Rev. Cheaterpants. I would say to him: look at how hard I work to save money in all of these other areas of our life. (I have always been very thrifty when it comes to groceries, travel, household items, etc.) The fact that I am spending money on heat indicates that I need it.
I don’t think that he was willing to make me more comfortable by turning up the heat. And honest to God, a cold house is downright painful.
I fixed my picker and my sweet yummy blonde boyfriend likes his house cold but turns the heat to 70 before I arrive. ♥️ He knew what he was getting into because I put my thermostat setting on my dating profile.
That is lovely !
Wow, just wow. He abused heat for your house !
A friend’s husband did that to her. So she would set the oven on 450F and leave the oven door open all day, while she sat in the kitchen. He would go nuts trying to figure out why the electric bill was so high every month.
Good for you for posting it on FB! Silence is the abusers greatest protection.
During one of her very infrequent interactions with our 17 year old daughter (think single figures in days over the last 18 months and never overnight), Ex-Mrs LFTT took daughter for a haircut, paid for it and then took her for a coffee afterwards and paid for that too.
You would think that she’d had to take out a bank loan the way she went on about it.
The sad bit is that youngest daughter knows how financially manipulative her mother is. Daughter made me promise in advance that should Ex-Mrs LFTT baulk at paying for the haircut then I would cover it off rather than it coming out of her pocket money.
LFTT
You are bringing back memories of the early days of my divorce when my EX wanted to be repaid for the grocery costs of feeding the kids. I had agreed to shoulder the ongoing costs (health care, dental, phone service, etc.), but somehow that made him think he was going to get a cash supplement from me every time he had custody. Our agreement clearly stated that neither of us was paying child support, but somehow that seemed to translate to him, “the kids won’t cost me a dime.”
Eilonwy,
This is the problem that I face too.
Ex-Mrs LFTT will insist that she takes our youngest daughter to the same hairdresser that she uses. It’s an expensive hairdresser and Ex-Mrs LFTT knows better than to make the booking on time that the youngest is with her and then ask me to pay for it. She is not, however, above making a booking like this and b*tching to our daughter about how much it is costing her and how daddy scr*wed her in the divorce in attempt to try and guilt the 17 year old into paying for it from the pocket money that I pay her.
Ex-Mrs LFTT’s manipulations about money are awful; our youngest is in therapy at a cost of over £500 a month, but youngest has asked me not to approach her mother for help paying for it. This is despite the therapy being to address problems that Ex-Mrs LFTT has caused. Our youngest just cannot deal with her mother’s b*tching about how she can’t afford it as a result of the divorce settlement.
Plot spoiler; Ex-Mrs LFTT can afford it; she just resents spending the money she got in the settlement (which the Judge described as generous) on anyone other than herself.
LFTT
LFTT,
“She is not, however, above making a booking like this and b*tching to our daughter about how much it is costing her and how daddy scr*wed her in the divorce in attempt to try and guilt the 17 year old into paying for it from the pocket money that I pay her.”
I have no words. This is terrible behavior on your ex’s part. Your kids know who the sane/kind parent is, I’m sure.
S@35,
Thnakfully they do, which is just as well. Ex-Mrs LFTT is all kinds of awful.
I know that youngest is counting down the days until her 18th birthday ….. at which point she will have the absolute right to tell her mother where to get off. The youngest really envies her elder brother and sister; they are now adults and have put in place some really hard boundaries to protect themselves from their mother’s toxic BS.
LFTT
“At least I am home at night!”
(That was because whore-niece had children. Cheaterpants & whore-niece did their nasty while her children were at school & day-care or at visitations with their dad……SMH)
He hates ginger, so a whole case of gingerbread!
ForgeOn! great Nation……
Her bitch cookie making it seem like she was doing me a favour, “We have both been unhappy for so long, this will be good for both of us.”
Um… I didn’t think I was unhappy, but no, you’re right. You did this as a favour to me, really to help me get out of the nest……that I built?
I got “Why can’t you see that this is an opportunity?” and “You won’t have any trouble finding someone new. You can be charming when you want to be”.
If it was such a great opportunity, why did you make sure to hide your affair until *after* the kids and I had left the job, town, house, and region that we loved (plus my family) for your new job?
Same. He acted as if he’d done me a favor.
“You’ll meet someone else who likes the things you like.” Now take this piece of candy and run along.
I experienced this with my ex, too. I had no idea I was so unhappy!
Here’s a homemade bitch cookie, fresh out of the oven!
Yesterday afternoon, he said to Dr. Co-Parent, “I always try to keep the peace. That’s my nature.”
(She asked me to close my mouth)
A cheater saying their marriage “didn’t work” is like a murderer telling people that their victim “died”.
It’s a good thing I have a case of extra fuses on my workbench to replace those that regularly blow whenever I have to listen to him.
“A cheater saying their marriage ‘didn’t work’ is like a murderer telling people that their victim ‘died’.”
Exactly right! Thanks, VH – you really have a gift for finding clarity in so much of their fucked-up cheater-speak!
That is the perfect analogy, VH. It does help to know that even when my dearest, wisest friends can’t really understand – at least the chumps here do. I can’t wait for this to not be the lens through which I see the world, because it is isolating to have such a completely different perspective on human nature and relationships than virtually everyone I know.
I feel the same way. Although there are more chumps than I ever knew. But it’s more like a solo road to walk towards Meh.
It really, really helps to share everything with you guys. Good laughs. Although it’s propping up some bad memories, but they really aren’t our doing. We give them back. Stay strong, time will get better.
Then there was offering to “babysit” our daughter if I wanted to go out on a date! This was during very early days after DDay when I was dropping a pound a day from not being able to eat. He was visibly overcome by his own magnanimousness.
I said, “No thanks. She already has enough parents doing the Next Wrong Thing”.
The “babysitting” of their own children!!! I heard that a million times. Thats a major bitch cookie.
One of the first things he said when busted was, “she’s my best friend”!
6 months later after returning from his individual counseling session he said, “Oh and by the way, YOU are my best friend”!
MINT Girl Scout Cookie!!!!
LIS❤️
One of the things I got from the ex was “well I pay the mortgage”.
Well bitch cookie for you, because that’s all you paid. I paid all utilities, all phones, all insurance, all groceries….even paid off your car when you lost your job.
I can’t even remember the last time he even paid for dinner when we went out. I made more money so pretty much paid for everything beyond the mortgage, which wasn’t that high.
Oh, and he did the dishes too….because it was a huge favor for him to contribute like a fucking adult in the house.
Good grief, what a tool. Mine wanted bitch cookies just because he has a job.
The finances with narcs are all a game to them which they are the winners. It doesn’t matter who makes more or less money the narc somehow will manipulate until they somehow are exploiting the partner. Gosh if I could go back in time, how I would choose differently.
During my 3,572,861st attempt to engage him in a conversation to try to help our marriage, I said something like “you act like you dont value me or us as a family” and he waved his hands in the air gesturing to the house and the stuff in it followed by “I get you all this, what more could you ask for?”
I dont remember what I said but it didnt make any difference anyway. The truth is that I wanted faithfulness, devotion, truth, commitment, kindnes…that sort of stuff
I was groomed from the start not to expect normal conversations, He was just shy, you see. He didn’t like to talk, and he hated being judged negatively because he was an introvert. “That’s just who I am.”
At that moment (36 years ago), it was as if I raised my hand and screamed, “Me, me, me. I can love you for who you are!!! I accept you! You don’t have to talk to me.”
[Sound of the prison door slamming shut.]
“I’m just doing my job!”- aka fucking howorkers plus others.
“I hate being out of town, doing these work trips.”- yeah right! Thats why he would lie to go on them to be with howorkers.
“I cooked your dinner.” -it was also his dinner, and all because it was what HE wanted.
“The kids love me.”- Yeah, its by biological design. Not from actually spending time with them.
Plus any small amount of housework required so much ego stroking it was nauseating.
“I worked all week, I deserve to go hunt” -which was basically a free pass for him the entire weekend. Bitch cookie
When I found out my ex-husband was a Whore Fucker, I also found out that he liked to attend John/whore parties where the Johns, like my husband, could actually peruse the Whore selection in person to choose which ones to fuck next.
When I asked him “where did you tell me you were when you were at these gatherings?” He smiled smugly with his dead cheater eyes and said “well, once I told you I was at a party.”
Oh, OK. All is forgiven then. Here’s your bitch cookie… and your divorce papers, motherfucker.
Reaching back to a 70s one-hit wonder for this one — if you’re too young to be familiar with the tune, check out: https://youtu.be/oeGPpwFpIAA
Thanks to you all for your anecdotes, which guided the lyrics
——————
(music by The First Class, lyrics by cheating fuckwits everywhere)
Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah
Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah
I hung a robe hook on the bedroom door (oh-oh-oh)
I let you boost the heat to 64 (oh-oh-oh)
I took our daughter for a cut and style,
a Grande Latte, and she paid for it all . . .
He did the laundry and took out the trash (oh-oh-oh)
He put some ointment on a diaper rash (oh-oh-oh)
Her ‘good intentions’ were the holy grail,
the validation of her decency . . .
Bitch Cookie, Bitch Cookie
Give me a hand
Give me somethin’ so I can be treasured
Constant applause
Is required because
I’m a fuckwit
Bitch Cookie, Bitch Cookie
Please understand
It’s the standard by which I am measured
Gives me a glow
And it lets me know I’m the king . . .
Love it!! Bravo!! ????????
I had to hear the song first, and it’s catchy!
Sorry for the mixed POV, I put this together while working — corrected version below
—————
Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah
Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah
I hung a robe hook on the bedroom door (oh-oh-oh)
I let you boost the heat to 64 (oh-oh-oh)
I took our daughter for a cut and style,
a Grande Latte, and I paid for it all . . .
I did the laundry and took out the trash (oh-oh-oh)
I put some ointment on a diaper rash (oh-oh-oh)
My ‘good intentions’ are the holy grail,
the validation of my decency . . .
Bitch Cookie, Bitch Cookie
Give me a hand
Give me somethin’ so I can be treasured
Constant applause
Is required because
I’m a fuckwit
Bitch Cookie, Bitch Cookie
Please understand
It’s the standard by which I am measured
Gives me a glow
And it lets me know I’m the king . . .
You really have a gift. lol I really hope the new site has a whole page of these.
Love it!!
???? ???????? Awesome!
Bravo!!
Thanks for adding the link to the song. A lot of times I don’t know what song you are referring to and this helped. 🙂
You totally nailed how fuckwits need constant attention and praise for every little thing that us Chumps would just naturally take care of and then move on about our day.
Oh UXworld we must be of the same age because I know all your songs. This one threw me though because I always thought this was by The Beach Boys. Face palm.
Keep at it. These are hilarious.
Dear Ux.
I’m proud to know you.
Genius!
Upon my first d-day confrontation with a hotel receipt in my hands, he replied: “I left the room before she (aka the Craigslist hooker) got there. I couldn’t go through with it.” And yet he didn’t come home for almost 4 hours that night when he told me “I’m going out to shoot pool.”
Whey-infused cookie for Mr. Sparkles, the gym cookie monster.
Yeah, when confronted with the Victoria’s Secret receipts, he claimed that he had bought me a present and then decided I wouldn’t like it, so he tossed it. Still don’t know if he was 1) buying it for another woman, 2) wearing whatever it was himself, or 3) whacking off into it. Also, the time he took a work colleague on a jaunt to some islands, and yes, they shared a room, but he slept in a separate bed and was fully clothed the whole time (blurted quickly, nervously, and spontaneously).
I have only one specific example, because in general my ex did so little around the house and yard. When we were in reconciliation, but I was away on a visit to my aging mother, he cleared some invasive fall clematis vines off the back wall of the backyard fence–and then sent me photos of the work he’d done along with a self-serving description of how hot it had been. Never mind that this was something I’d done many times.
Bitch cookie topped with the seeds of the deadly nighsthade I regularly weeded from beneath the forsythia.
In general, however, he made it seem like he was a saint and martyr for tolerating me, because, as he regularly told me, I was “so difficult,” something that over the years I grew to accept as the truth about myself (my FOO was a dysfunctional black hole). Not until the end did I ask myself: just what about me was so difficult? The fact that I took care of everything around the house and yard and brought home the same salary as he did, and supported his career at the expense of my own?
I bought into a spackle factory when I should have invested in a bitch-cookie bakery.
“I bought into a spackle factory when I should have invested in a bitch-cookie bakery.” I need an embroidery sampler that says this.
This really does need to be framed.
Him: at least I don’t hang out in bars at night and come home and beat you.
But he stayed out at night supposedly working, but was a serial cheater. The bar was pretty low for a cookie.
I got the same thing, almost word for word. Among other things – including distracting from what he’d done – I think he was trying to make me feel spoiled and naive and guilty. Ironically, he did physically abuse me (just not “badly enough” for it to count); he was also an alcoholic for years.
One of my favorite bitch cookie-worthy responses: “At least I’m not a rapist.” Or, “At least I’m not a murderer.” I am so grateful I had FW there to put things into perspective! Otherwise, I might have thought something was terribly wrong with what he was doing. I might have even thought I had the right to feel angry and hurt. That guy really cared about me.
When he said this idiotic comment, it always made me pause, and now I understand why. He was abusive, emotionally and mentally, he loved to frighten me as a tool for control, but he thought he was a great guy and abuse was a mean drunk. So weird. So crazy I didn’t see that then.
OMG! We were married to the same fickwit! Those were his exact words to me. My response: “Your bar is pretty damn low!”
I work in bereavement and grief and in that world, we know that any statement which starts with “at least” is going to hurt.
My Cheaters tactic was different…when I tried to explain to him how much his behavior hurt me, he said “if one of our children died, you wouldn’t do well”.
Your Cheater and mine surely set the bar very low…they were both better than us being beaten or having dead children.
I had a belly laugh at this one…. God!
“I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want to hurt you.”
Nope. All his cookies were poison.
“I earn more than you do”
And forgets to mention that this is why he is entitled to spend his salary on flatterfucks and run up very and many stupid debts (e.g., professional electric guitar, jeep, Mini Cooper, etc., and to rant at chump here for buying new underwear after three years not spending a cent on any type of clothing…
Same here. I have a child with a chronic and extremely expensive medical condition so I didn’t buy new anything for myself for 11 years, including underwear. I cut my bangs with a nail scissors.
Even though I’d always been kind of a fashionista as a requirement for my former pre-sick-kid career, I thought we were all pulling together to prioritize what mattered and never once complained. Meanwhile FW hid assets and spent $40k on an affair.
Before D-Day, he began putting down my appearance. What, the battered mom jeans, no makeup, frizzy mop and frayed t-shirts don’t do it for ya? In retrospect it’s obvious that he’d begun comparing my appearance to his AP who, as it turned out, took her squatty self on overpriced mall and salon binges for coordinated GAP crap, skeazy lingerie crotch waxes and tacky streaks because my joint family assets were funding the rest of a lifestyle she couldn’t afford on her salary and she had cash to burn.
But having been “tatty budget mom” for so long just amplified the “after” trasformation to dramatic effect. I have to admit I thought the look of shock on FW’s face was funny when we met at my lawyer’s office and he barely recognized me. It was a strategic prank. After finding some of the secret credit card charges and learning of the existance of hidden assets, I decided it was time to revert to my former self, figuring that divorce procedings are partly performance art and also to launch my new life.
I still have fashion connections so I managed to curry, trade and barter for lovingly preserved runway items (I never buy new because of garment industry labor and environmental abuses) and top of the line silk and cashmere vintage. I also got my hair done with the full works for the first time since 2010. I dug out my old crimson lipstick and managed to get earrings into long-closed piercings.
I wore a fitted little Valentino runway suit with a demure bow on the bodice and suede Clergerie boots to meet with the lawyer. Everyone at the firm was deferential and kind to me so my charming personality was on full display. The idea of deposing shmoops to uncover full affair spending was floated and FW’s eyes dilated in sheer terror. I think he was envisioning the effect of parading a dumpily dressed, pockmarked Honey Boo Boo through a gauntlet of $4000 suits in that gleaming law office suite and gave up all the financials along with passwords on the spot.
Thanks, Valentino (on a 1200% discount). I went home, stored the designer tactical gear for future battles, put on a hoody and went with the kids to see a comedy show with friends.
Hell of a Chump, I salute you! You are a woman after my own battered heart! I wish I could have been a fly on the wall!
You are AweSome!!! I’m in aw. But just you guys having children on top of all the abuse you truly are superheroes. I just rewatch The Devil wears Prada last night, so I could totally imagine you in all your fashion clothing. A shining moment when doing something so difficult: having to fight for so much back. I’m totally in awe!!! Girl!!! And hugs to your son/family. You will all be ok and so much better!
Sorry for all the misspelling. Keyboard is not very responsive :/
Waiting to fit into my red Valentino suit again….damn these COVID pounds!
His close friends call him VaVa…
One of his close friends is a friend of mine. I’ll pass along your success story if I get a chance.
????
I got that too clear waters. He was blowing $400 of our line of credit money sucking up to Schmoopie and her rich daddy with expensive dinners but I was blowing money because I bought a few new items of clothing when I lost 35 pounds in 6 weeks due to the trauma and my clothes didn’t fit( with my own money)
Getting Mr. I’m A Big Feminist to do anything around the house required a screaming fight after he promised to do it and didn’t do it, sometimes for months. He would then do it half-assed so it needed to be done over, demand instructions “because I did it but not your way,” so I had to go through it with him, do a barely passable job, demand praise, and then start “forgetting to do it” again. Every time he made a feint in the direction of housework, I was expected to put up a statue in his honor.
Same! Are they sent a script or something? Who raised these man-boys?
“I’m seeing them much less than I used to.”
Explaining why I was being completely unreasonable to ask him to stop seeing the other women. Yes, there were two OW. And, in fact, conveniently, they were roommates.
Eeeeeew! ????♀️????????????????
Many, many good intentions to fix up the house, spend time with me, go out together. These things would not happen but he expected to get some sort of reward for apparently intending to do them. Thus is why he likes his college buddies. If they are working on some project and he fails to do his part someone will cover for him. And he still gets credit.
I guess that is why he finds me so difficult , since I don’t give him credit for things he fails to do.
One time years ago we had a bathroom that needed to be redone. We had torn out the walls, shower etc and he promised to remodel it. He never did and I waited a year. So I talked to him about hiring someone since it seemed he did not have the time. He agreed and we hired a guy who did a great job on it. As soon as we paid the guy, my stbx started yelling at me about how I took a job away from him and he lost money(???) because I let someone else do the job. I reminded him that he agreed to let me hire the guy. He agreed that he did agree! But still he was furious with me!! Wtf? He said that will never happen again! And he was right. Now the other bathroom has needed remodeling for years after he and his friend tore it up. Of course nothing has happened!
Thanks for the thermostats info. FW set ours to 55 when he left last winter. It reverts to 55, although twice reset by pros. I didn’t know it could be changed remotely.
FW demanded gratitude for staying up late to respond to job offers he claimed resulted from updating Linked-In with new credentials. Actually, he was spending money on his online affairs with catfishers, and hadn’t updated Linked-In for a decade. So his bitch cookie for staying up late–to cheat!– is a rum ball I fished out of the cat litter after it somehow fell in. Like FWs somehow fall into affairs.
My conflict avoidant passive aggressive asshole ex would walk behind me and change the thermostat.
I’m the one who paid the bill…..he never even saw it. It’s just a nasty cowards way of asserting some control.
“I invited the son who hasn’t spoken to me in 9 months over the affair that broke his parents’ marriage to my new wedding with my now 24 year old mistress a mere two months post divorce”. Message delivered to son by twin sister courtesy of dad. Double chocolate chunk bitch cookie.
After finding out my oldest wasn’t mine, at least 3 secret apartments, secret credit cards, bank accounts, and PO Boxes the bitch cookie was “I was faithful the last 12 years of our marriage”. Of course she needed a ticket tape parade if she cleaned ONE room of a 5 bedroom house!
What?? I am so sorry. Although I’m sure that you loved him just the same, but it is a terrible coup.
They are master liars. But not really clever, as they are really ruining everything that could be beautiful. Poison to just keep away.
“After finding out my oldest wasn’t mine…”
Sorry I missed that detail of your story. Holy **** how traumatic. ????
Yes, Sirchumpalot, this detail is always heartbreaking. My sympathy to you and your kids for having to deal with this shitstorm on a daily basis.
I took you to your surgery, I deserve to have a girls night.
1. I was no weight bearing so I was very limited as to what I could do.
2. We had a young child who needed taking care of.
3. Doubt there were any girls at girls night but her.
4. Comes home drunk and mad after midnight cause she feels like a teenager with a curfew.
I was an idiot with no clue what was going on and apologized for whatever it was that I had done to make her unhappy.
“I was an idiot with no clue what was going on and apologized for whatever it was that I had done to make her unhappy.”
Yep. You’re in good company, KR. I did the same.????????♀️
My personal favorites (too many to list them all ) are:
1) I am not abusive, I never hit you! (Ignore the fact that words are abuse, cheating is abuse, thieving is abuse, and you would be arrested if you hit me.)
2) I watched the kids for you while you went to the store. (His own (genetic) children which we planned and conceived.)
3) I vacuumed the floor at Thanksgiving. ( His family coming, I did the shopping, cooking, and other house cleaning. Also had to tell him where the vacuum was kept, how to plug it in, where the electric outlet was, and remind him to put it back up prior to guests arrival. Also, how to wind the cord. You see, if you make the work sharing experience more work than the job itself, I might not ask you to do it again,)
This enabling environment, making his life too easy, devalues the worth of your time, and is not healthy for anyone.
https://getyarn.io/yarn-clip/5ca5cac9-bd04-4584-b4c9-e3ff35289c54
There is is again. The parent-as-babysitter syndrome!
Not to mention that me being on call with our child, which I have always been happy to do, because I love my daughter, was a major factor which enabled his secret double life…..
Parent as Babysitter Syndrome
A male Argentinian friend, for whom English is a second language, made the distinction years ago. “It’s not babysitting when it’s my children. It’s being a parent, a father, a man”
“Yes, I lied to you every day for 2 1/2 years, but it was only about one thing. And once I fessed up, I stopped lying.” (He didn’t. Oh, and it was more than 2 1/2 years, of course.)
He wanted a medal.
He wanted a medal.
He gets a thin mint bitch cookie.
I can’t imagine being so entitled that I would see a lying about cheating as “only one thing”. Like he was lying about the answer to the question “do you think my butt looks fat in this?” or “how do you like this shade of blue for the bathroom walls?”
Bitch cookies for not hitting me, although he sure did push and shove me around a lot.
Bitch cookies for not cheating on me, although he eventually admitted to serial cheating.
Bitch cookies for not being an alcoholic, considering he blamed the kids for a “missing” bottle of Capt. Morgan when they were still in elementary school I doubt that, to this day the kids are disturbed by this crazy accusation. (Given my family history I would not have held this against him as long as he was committed to getting help.)
Bitch cookies for cleaning the kitchen after meals. This involved loading the dishwasher and wiping crumbs from the table. I did all of the cooking and would wash the prep pots and pans and cleaned the stove and the counter tops. He would also lose his mind if he had to unload the dishwasher.
Bitch cookies for taking the trash to the curb. He would never clean the cans and had no problems with maggots in the lids – I took on that job after being covered in maggots when I opened a can.
Bitch cookies for mowing the lawn.
Bitch cookies for packing the kids lunches when they were in school.
Bitch cookies for attending the kids sporting events.
My personal favorite, a double batch of Bitch cookies for not leaving me and taking the kids because I was a failure as both a wife and mother. (Interestingly, the kids decided on NC on their own volition – they were young adults when he left. He was so difficult they threatened walk away from me if I allowed him back shortly after dday.)
Sadly, I can go on, and on and on…. about 10 years in I realized I was essentially a single mom of 3 children and a FW but I was too beaten down and afraid of him to leave.
I hate him so much. He sounds like mine, except that we never started getting children.
Mine would scream for hours, using a workout stick to punch the ceiling because upstairs neighbours were walking too loud, screaming at them with racist comments (so embarrassing) and threatening, omg I hated it all.
I had a really good laugh at “ he blamed the kids for a “missing” bottle of Capt. Morgan when they were still in elementary school I doubt that…” but man that must have been horrible to live through. So sorry. You kids helped you stay sane after DDay. They’re awesome!
I also had one who “didn’t hit me.” But he would tower over me and scream in my face and punch walls next to my head. He was a foot taller than me. He would block doorways to trap me in rooms. If I tried to sleep on the couch he would drag me back into the bedroom because “it’s unhealthy to sleep apart during a fight!”
It took my lawyer telling me that was abuse and in our state he’d be arrested, charged, and permanently labeled with a domestic violence charge. He wouldn’t be permitted to buy firearms and he’d probably lose his job. I read “Why does he do that?” and had to put the book down several times to cry. I grew up in a very abusive household and always thought at least I’m not being abused. But I was. I just didn’t realize it.
We couldn’t see/realize it for what it was (even though we were aware it was wrong and abusive) because they were holding this big chunk of truth from us.
I’m so sorry about your earlier experiences. I do believe that we tolerate more abuse because we’ve been used to it. We are (at least it speaks to me) #cyclebreakers and it’s a tough process.
Pushing and shoving= felony assault. He belongs in prison where he’d BE a “bitch cookie.”
At some point when I was still a sad and weepy little thing who cared to learn something about the scope of the lies, the ex brightly offered up, “Well, I’ve only had four affairs.”
What a paragon of virtue! What steely self-control!
Snort. Whatever the true number might have been, it was clearly far higher than that, but whatever. Happy to report zero curiosity on that score these days.
Guess this would, theoretically, qualify for a gluten-free bitch cookie, but I don’t supply cookies of any sort to the ex these days.
This challenge stumps me because mine didn’t even really try to claim credit for stuff he should have been doing anyway. He was silent. He didn’t bother. I was already discarded.
Sure, he tries to argue that he was a good dad (NOT) and that he loved me (in a plan B kind of way).
But those don’t meet the criterion for this challenge.
Is it worse that he didn’t even try? The man is painfully shy and quiet. I just excused everything and didn’t expect words or excuses or justifications…
It’s not worse, no comparison here. But he checked out, while still exploiting you, your kindness, generosity all around. With time, you will understand how he was abusing you knowingly. It’s all a playing people game to them. Not that you were and are not just a people, you are amazing but they don’t have the empathy to love. They use and abuse. And we need to heal and learn our true worth!
The ManChild paid the last 3 payments of my car loan as a “favor” to me. I had paid the first 57 payments on my own, but I was supposed to celebrate his generosity and thoughtfulness, and brag about him to our families. He did the same thing with one of my student loans a few months later. I paid over $8,000 of that loan, but he “took care” of the final $500 and expected to be fawned over for months.
(I should mention that his salary was more than double mine at the time. Whatever.)
Bitch cookies all around!
We had a couple teenaged sons when I discovered her cheating.
Leading up to that I was baffled by her curious defense of our sons when they had typical teenage misadventures. She usually acted in their defense by contending that I was grossly overreacting and “after all, they are not all bad. They get good grades and do their chores at home.” She wanted me to give them “bitch cookies” because she needed them for herself!
She was flagrantly violating our wedding vows, but but having been raised a good church girl, being accountable for that caused too much cognizant dissonance. She needed recognition that she was not all bad, so she projected that onto our kids behavior. So much of her behavior and our rocky relationship becomes less obscured as I consider the “bitch cookie” theory.
Oh, God! Your theory makes sense. I’m sorry. She’s awful.
It also brings to mind my ex’s defense of the cheating husband of our niece. When we happened to quite literally bump into him and his girlfriend, my then-husband said, “He’s actually a nice guy!” What? Oh, and get this: he added that he was surprised this guy’s girlfriend wasn’t thinner. He said this out loud in front of our daughter who had had an eating disorder. Stupid man…on so many levels.
A month later, the jig was up.
Cheating FW: “I’m sorry.”
Me: “I don’t believe you because your actions say otherwise.”
Cheating FW: “Well, I need to say I’m sorry for me.”
For you??!! I’m not the one who cheated and lied for years. Your words and actions need to line up for me to believe you are sorry. So screwed up!
Hey 6-foot tall toddler—here’s your bitch cookie!
I’m sorry for me?
That takes the (entitlement) cake…or cookie.
Unbelievable!
My ex: “I owed it to you to tell you.” No, fuckwit, what you owed me was not to be “experimenting” with an ex-student!
Funny how they even try to take credit for “coming clean…” They think they are soooo special.
Yes!!! Exactly. Brownie points for coming clean! Oh brother.
And mine came a little “too clean.” Once that faucet was opened, he shared a lot of the dirty details. It was as if he was dying to fill me in, to brag. He seemed proud of himself that he had pulled off such a long affair without my knowledge and that he had found “true love” with this much younger woman. It was emotionally confusing, to say the least.
He put more than half the stocks he’d secretly invested in during the affair into my name before being ordered to do so in the settlement.
I never said thank you. #jointassets #mymoney
#tohellwithhim #hesucks
After Dday I had a forensic team go through his computer. There was a group chat with his male-masturbation-live-website friends telling him how hot his wife is. My blood ran cold – oh my god are there naked pictures of me on the internet? (He had used hidden cameras at times).
I asked him about it and he said it was a picture of a porn actress. He would never show pics of me. AWWWWWW, thank you so much you disgusting wanker. Here’s your bitch cookie.
My X told me I shouldn’t be too upset about his porn use as he got refunds for his webcam and phone sex sessions by lying and saying it was his teenage son who’d used the services.
So he wasn’t just a cheating porn addict he was also a thief. Case of bitch cookies.
My EX would make a big production of cleaning up the dog doo in the yard. He wanted it cleaned up, but he would only do it if I sat on the porch making up silly songs and singing to him about his great heroics. God help me, I cannot recall how that started. I am sure I thought it was funny the first time. But, his insistence upon my attention before he would do this chore made me nuts as time went on. (He had the dogs before he met me and had managed to keep the yard clean without personal songs of praise).
I ought to have known it would presage his attitude toward helping take care of the kids. It was always all about him.
In a final conversation trying to persuade me to reconsider x said there were plenty of times he could have cheated that he didn’t!
(Easy it was to deceive a trusting, busy chump) x also said…but I had always been his rock! not any more … NC or gray rock now.
More bitch cookies for:
– Not cheating the first 5 months of our marriage (probably a lie, but I don’t have access to info from that period)
– Not trying to replace me. He just wanted sex with hookers not love.
– Being willing to forgive me for not being the perfect wife even though I wouldn’t forgive his infidelities.
Ridiculous! He needs a huge bowl of cookie dough dumped on his empty head.
He “let” me keep my inheritance from my dead father. He had no choice and he wanted half of it and was shocked to find out our state wouldn’t let him touch it. Also, he pays alimony. He tells people that because he’s such a “great guy.” I could have pursued it for life. I settled for 10 years to get rid of him faster, it was not a favor he did for me.
He should have had at least 200,000 in his 401K. He has 4,000. So he stole 100,000 from me. That was money being taken out of our marriage for other women while I struggled with our bills and trying to budget. I basically worked throughout our marriage for him to hand the money I made to other women.
But he’s such a “great guy” for putting me in a position where I tried to keep our family afloat and went without things I needed so he could have his fun. It’s revolting.
Mine wanted credit for falling in love with the OW for the right reasons. I mean, they bonded over taking care of sick patients, so they’re good people. If I have a problem with that, then something is wrong with ME, or at least that’s his effed-up cheater logic.
He and the OW deserve membership in the Bitch Cookie of the Month Club. First order: whoopie pies
Ex hub says it’s not fair to be made since he thought he’d never get caught. Saying ” I knew I could get away with adultery because YOU are Catholic and can’t get a divorce plus I knew you’d never do anything that would hurt our children” Instead of being proud and grateful for a wife and mother of their children who was that person instead he used my integrity against me. After lying for 25 years then finally fully admitting 15 year affair/double life he said ” I don’t even know why you’re mad, she was just a friend, someone I knew .” I give up.
Catholics can get divorces. I hope you’ve got one.
He wanted a bitch cookie for having sex with someone else, so that I didn’t have to take care of that chore.
Quite pleased with himself he was, when he had orchestrated the revelation of that information through the OW.
He got a bitch cookie alright…wasn’t the one he was asking for though. The bitch cookie was a bit salty for him.
It’s 19 years with this FW and although there’s a ton of wonderful bitch cookies, one of the routine sayings was, “at least I didn’t have a baby on you!” I would just give him the dumbfucker look, like ” Wow! I should be so grateful for you JUST cheating all these years and not fathering another child!” BITCH COOKIE WITH SPRINKLES!
However, I discovered last August that he DOES have a 2yr old child with his ho-worker! Of course he did NOT tell me of his secret family. He had been over there to play daddy while he told me he was at work, he has been to court, and has been paying child support for more than a year now, without my knowledge! I have been working on putting my ducks in a row since I picked myself up off the floor. I had quit my full time job to stay home with our kids, one with an auto-immune disease, when covid came last March. So when I found out in August, I felt lost and hopeless with no income of my own. It’s been a long and winding road. I’ve left him in the past, only to give in to his various manipulations and guilt trips that I am “breaking up the family” and “we are better than this.” I am such a chump 🙁 THIS time I have planned better and (although for some chump reason I am so scared) I AM DETERMINED LEAVE HIM FOR GOOD! I owe it to myself and my kids to have a FW-free life and be able to actually LIVE with confidence. I have new housing secured for April and a call into a family lawyer. CL and CN have allowed me to see a lifeboat on the horizon! I continue to tread water… For now. Thanks CN for letting me vent. ❤️ Big Hugs to all chumps! This sucks!
I See Light!
Good luck!!! You got this! Vent here as often as you’d like. He truly sucks!
((hugs))
my FW and I had a fishing weekend after 2nd D-day, something we/I loved before I knew our life was a lie. when the weekend was over, he said, “such a nice time, hope it was good enough”…huh!?! He meant to make up for the decade of lying and cheating…. i find an AFF act, discover my husband of 37 years is bisexual and cheating with massage therapists, complete strangers and male prostitutes…sure that should
even things out, have a cookie. After 6 long months, I finally have my shit together and am leaving his sorry ass on Tuesday, my 65th birthday!
Better late than dead.
( As my wise friend would remind me.)
It takes a while to reset but not that long.
To be free – of the onerous oppression that living with the X disordered entitled fuckwit imposed – is glorious. Happy Birthday????
Congratulations on your upcoming freedom from that freak. Your life is going to be so much better.
Thank you so much! I could never have done it without the wisdom and support I found here!