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UBT: A Letter from ‘The Baby’

babyfartDear Chump Lady,

I have one that I would LOVE to go through the Universal Bullshit Translator. As a chump I so want to believe he is truly sorry for what he has done, but his actions have not shown that, at least to me. While I still wait for Tuesday and that dreamed of place called Meh, this chump will continue putting one foot in front of the other. But I still don’t know how someone can just “throw away” their kids.  As a mom, we NEVER, no matter what their age is, want to see our kids hurting.

Background:
My husband of 36 years was caught having an affair with the 29-year-old fiancé of one of his employees. She also happened to be a classmate and friend of our daughter-in-law.

I discovered the affair about 4 p.m. in the afternoon and told him he had to tell our two adult children that night. When 9 p.m. rolled around I checked with our two kids if they had heard from their dad and was told no, I had them over and broke the news. TOTAL shock and devastation. They thought he was just the epitome of a good guy and a great dad. (I, like all chumps, was very good about putting him on a pedestal and doing everything, making him out to be the “best” to everyone.) They were very close and talked pretty much every day. Like me, they thought we had a very close and loving family. Anyway, that was 22 months ago — they have not heard a word from him since.

NOTHING. No birthday cards, no Merry Christmas,  NOT A WORD.

Now they didn’t want anything to do with him. Didn’t like what he had done or how he had done it. We live in a small town and he was a public figure, so it continually gets brought up to them to this day. Such a soap opera. Still, I was very hurt for them that he didn’t at least TRY to contact them, even if it was just a text message… ANYTHING. I have been no contact since the divorce was final three months after I discovered the affair.

The ex and the OW were married this summer and just had a new baby a few weeks ago. Yep, he is 58 and she is 30. Today in the mail both my boys received the following letter. I’d like to put in thru the UBT as I just cant figure out WHY he would reach out to them FOR THE FIRST TIME, this way?  Both the letter and the envelope were typed, no return address.

WTF?

I hope you’re not upset I sent this picture to you. And I hope someday I get to know both my brothers. I’m sure you know by now I was born on xxxxxx.
I know things aren’t good between you and our dad. I also know that he feels terrible about how things went and is so sorry he hurt so many people, especially you. I know he wanted to send you the very first pictures of me but was afraid it would only hurt you more. He says he understands why you feel the way you do and is so sorry for that. I know if someday your ever want to reach out to him, that would be ok but until then, he will continue to respect your feelings. I finally convinced him to send this just to let you know he thinks of you both everyday and hopes you’re going to be ok.

XXXXX

Had-it

Dear Had-it,

Wow. That baby can write bullshit at a few weeks old? She’s a bullshit prodigy! Must get such talent from her father.

The UBT is happy to oblige.

I hope you’re not upset I sent this picture to you.

I hope you’re not upset that I’ve been avoiding you for nearly two years. Been real busy erasing my past.

And I hope someday I get to know both my brothers.

Here’s a cute picture of an innocent baby. You wouldn’t reject a BABY would you? (Rejecting adult children is understandable. But babies still have that shiny, new-human smell!)

I’m sure you know by now I was born on xxxxxx.

Which you determined through your telepathic powers, Facebook stalking, or small town gossip.

I know things aren’t good between you and our dad. I also know that he feels terrible about how things went and is so sorry he hurt so many people, especially you.

Please accept my apologies with this anonymous letter that has no return address.

I know he wanted to send you the very first pictures of me but was afraid it would only hurt you more.

So with that consideration in mind — HERE I AM! Fuck your feelings — check out my NEW LIFE!

He says he understands why you feel the way you do and is so sorry for that.

He’s sorry you feel that way. #feeltheremorse #sosad #sausageweeps

I know if someday you ever want to reach out to him, that would be ok

But you’re going to have to work for it, kids. Guess my contact information. I’m thinking of a number between one and 13,567.

but until then, he will continue to respect your feelings.

Some call it “abandonment” — I call it “respect.”

I finally convinced him to send this

At two weeks old, I have awesome powers of persuasion. But it took a lot of convincing. His set point was “Why waste typewriter ribbon on grown children?” I’m like, “Dude! It’s been two years! What better way to convey your regrets than with my existence? I’m evidence of their obsolescence! And besides, everyone LOVES babies!” #nevertooyoungtotriangulate

just to let you know he thinks of you both everyday

And that’s what matters really, what’s in his head. I assure you, all his thoughts are noble, if rarely expressed. And the beautiful thing about thoughts is, you can’t prove them. Unlike actions, which you should never pay attention to. Hey, I THOUGHT OF YOU!

and hopes you’re going to be ok.

To be. In the future sense. Okay. Because I’m sure you’re just ripped to shreds and can’t go on without me, right? Twenty-two months and NO PICK ME DANCE? I can only guess it’s because of your utter devastation and inability to get up off the floor. Well, a cloying aria of self-pity and photo of your newborn half-sibling should goad you into responding. I await your reply. #dancemotherfucker

XXXXX

Kiss kiss kiss kiss kiss off.

 

***

This one ran previously. Working on the new site.

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Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • As I’m not a parent I can’t imagine the level of hurt this caused Had It and her children .

    I’m not really sure what it is with these much older men fathering children with these much younger women . It actually blows my mind . Don’t they want a comfortable retirement ? Don’t they want to travel ?

    I’m almost 47 and can’t stand the thought of a screaming baby . I need my sleep ????

    My ex is a father again at 47 he will be 60 with a teenager and all the running around that would entail .

    I hope Had It chimes in and let’s us know how how everything’s gone .

    • My guess? They probably weren’t up with the baby in the middle of the night the first go-round. And they’re not doing the running around with the teenagers now (what with the cheating, er, I mean, running around, heh heh), so it doesn’t occur to them that this will be life in their 60’s.

      • Why? Men can father children into their 70s or 80s. Alec Baldwin keeps churning them out in his 60s and David Foster just fathered a son at 71.

        • Yep, their fertility declines after age 40ish, but not as much as women’s fertility decline.

          I am betting the whore made sure it was his kid. Likely he will be drop kicked before long and she will get child support. At least if the stats are accurate.

      • It’s possible that she’s spreading ‘em with a man her age AND servicing the older man. The older man has more bank for the baby.

      • For having experienced something similar (although he was quite a bit younger, in his fourties), I think it is about being virile and rassuring their sperm is still up to standards ^^

        • At aged 11 my ex said our son didn’t need him anymore… He thought he’d done his job and was free to roam… I hope whorina get pregnant it would serve him right and I’d be interested to see if he could do it third time round since he never wanted our second child either and hasn’t seen kids for 4 years.
          They really don’t think things through do they…

          • No they don’t!!

            I just wonder how this guy could tell me during 2 years he didn’t want a baby – sooo scared of commitment after a first divorce with 2 children involved –
            and then changed his mind to have one with me, and then when that didn’t work out have a baby with someone else in litteraly just a few months, with a womand he must hardly know!

            The thing is, mine had actually custody over his children and seemed a good father. This is why I never thought of him as a narc for a long time. It’s strange, but I think as they are his breed he sees them as an extension of his super genes and really takes care of them. But it was a bad indicator of how he treated women!

            I feel sorry for your son.. At least he has you as a sane parent. Wishing you two the best!

    • He thinks it means he has another chance, since he knows he fucked up the first family and then ran away like the cowardly wimp he is.
      He’ll fuck up the second as well, guaranteed. Oh, he’ll coo over the new baby for a bit, just to make it look like dumping his family was worthwhile, until it gets boring and he wants to go play golf, hang out with his buddies, and scope out new prey. It’s who he is.

      That awful, cloying letter is evidence of a deranged mind, but it doesn’t come across as the fuckwit family abandoning variety. I suspect the schmoopie actually wrote it, wanting to rub her youth and fertility in his ex’s face. “Ha ha! You’re old, bitch!”
      They just have to keep the triangulation going and will even use a baby to do it.
      Contemptible swine.

      • This. History repeats itself with these types.

        The attention that these two creeps are getting from displaying the baby will fade, the expenses and stressors of raising a young child will increase and OWife will be stuck at home with the kid while fuckwit escapes the domestic drudgery and complains about his life. OWife will probably bail on fuckwit as he ages and requires a caregiver of his own.

      • Oh really, there are women in this world who value their youth and fertility over all the other things a human being has to offer ? IQ must be low, to see oneself as a reproductive female just like a cow. Aha, this is why during an online disagreement, some plain lady wrote that she was younger than me, it left me wondering for days what point she was trying to make.

    • I’m 47 and having another one. Because I love being a parent, even with all the hard work. I’ve done a lot in life, have multiple degrees, traveled the world, etc. I have experienced a lot and still want to be a parent. When you’re young it’s harder because you don’t have as much money and patience. Lots of 40s something having babies these days. To each his own.

      • I’m curious. Are you a man or a woman ?
        One of my friends calls herself “Decades Mom”. Three sons, one each in her 20s, 30s and 40s. Very different experience with each physically, emotionally and financially.
        To each their own.

    • I think it’s all part of the package of lies they tell themselves…as in, “I’m so in LOVE, this is my one twu wuv, and twu wuvs should have a little twu wuv baby to share all this twu wuv with!” And, pairing with a younger person who is in the child-having years just confirms this. Also, most of these guys are in perpetual identity crisis mode and this is all part of the mid to late life existential crisis these fuckers can’t get over.

      But, once the shine is off the apple, these twu wuv babies just become one more discard for these disordered people.

      And, as someone above said, the odds are these cheaters never did the lionshare of the child raising the first time, and likely won’t do it the second time, so it’s an easier choice for them. For those of us “responsible” types who might consider having a child at an older age…well, we really weigh the pros and cons cause we know the work involved.

  • My daughter (who was only 8, when Dad knocked up the OW), had an awful time!!!! OW had fantasized about her future family and children for sooooo long she even had names picked out. My daughter (Isobel) was told that if the baby was a girl she would be Isabella, same surname as well!!! Way to replace a child!!!! Luckily OW had 2 boys, but it made my daughter feel so rejected!!!

  • I read that masterpiece of stupidity submitted by Had It’s x and think “Had It’s half his age dumb whore typed that and sent it.” Had It’s x doesn’t care. Had It’s x is most likely sniffing around for the next victim. His half his age dumb whore is too busy being mommy and he will resent the lack of centrality.

    Had It, how are you? Doing ok? Living life and loving it? I really want to know that you are fine and the Karma Bus hit your x.

    Your sons love you. They contacted you when they received that ridiculous anonymous letter. They wanted their Mom to be protected, armed with knowledge. You aren’t changing diapers in your sixties. You won!

    Last I knew STBX had a Howorker ten years younger and a side side chick, thirty two years old. That side side chick is the niece of one of his High School buddies, which adds an extra layer of cringe. She wasn’t even born when we were married. I have no idea what is happening in their cheating triangle, most likely STI’s and lies.

    These old cheaters and their far younger whores are ridiculous. I laugh at him and keep going. STBX is delusional if he thinks his whores love him. They love his money and his big, fat wallet.

    • “They love his money and his big, fat wallet.”

      Exactly. Does anyone really think these young OW would be with the cheater if he were flipping burgers? Nope. They see an easy life without financial hardship, no paying their dues. However, once a man reaches 60, it doesn’t matter how good a shape he’s in, he’s going to look like grandpa with the sagging body and body parts. Plus, older guys get grouchy, set in their ways, become real buzz killers.

      • The thing is that even the over 60 dudes really do think they look like God’s gift to women. It blows my mind. (See: Cuomo)

        Also, I’m on match and see so many photos of the older men without shirts on while working out at the gym. Hard pass.

        My ex similarly thought he looked great and became offended when we went to my yoga class together and I told him to keep his shirt on. This was the day before he confessed and I’m sure a way for him to say, “Look. I DID try to participate in the things SHE likes to do. I half kiddingly and very gently told him that only the 20-year-old men could get away with it. He didn’t take it will, which I thought was odd. But, hey, narcs gonna narc.

        Oh, and my ex (62), who was terrible at yoga, got excited that the attractive yoga teacher made a hands-on adjustment. He thought it meant she was into him. I kid you not.

        • He did not want to do yoga, as a family, at the gym across the street.

          But the Craigslist Sole Mate is Ms. Spiritual Yoga so OF COURSE he is Mr Yoga now.

          They are as phony as the sun is hot.

        • Long ago, and in a galaxy far, far away. . . I tried a couple of these social dating services. I took a temporary membership, and never signed on, for many reasons, but among the most powerful were the obvious lies. the inappropriate age interests, and the unbelievable pictures posted. Even when I was in school, back during the dark ages, the only time you saw a boys chest was at the swimming pool, or when they were playing shirts against skins in gym class. It was a better social grace, in my opinion.

          As the mother of two sons, (both participated in sports, and both had friends visit,) I had to constantly deal with what was appropriate and inappropriate in terms of various stages of public nudity. Young men don’t seem to have much modesty. Older men need to develop a realistic relationship with a mirror. I have never understood why anyone would think it was a good idea to send a picture of their genitalia to another person as a dating overture.

          I just think we are all better served by keeping our clothes on in public situations. If you are a nudist, and want to live in a nudist colony, or go to a nude beach, then make sure there are signs posted. I see more underwear, and rolls of fat, and supposedly sexy attire in the grocery store than I want to. One of the advantages of the pandemic is social distancing.

          • As one friend says “Lycra is a privilege, not a right” I would add that dark/black Lycra is always the best color if one insists. ????

              • Back in the late 80’s, I lived in FL for about 3 years. It was before the “yoga pants accepted everywhere” or “leggings are pants” movements, but there were “stretch” pants marketed as “one size fits all.”‘ No, there is not that much stretch in any fabric I have seen.

                If you have cellulite, do not believe these pants cover it up. They create a 10 pounds of mashed potatoes in a five pound sack look. If you are a larger person, these do not make you look slimmer. They are preferable to no pants, or short shorts, or a bikini, as far as I am concerned. I also welcome the longer oversize t-shirts over said pants. or shorts, or swimwear. Anything to prohibit the view of private body parts in a public place. I also do not want to view men in speedo’s, though I understand appropriate attire for competitive swimming events. It is not the age, or the size of the person. It is just not an acceptable way to dress in a public place, for me. It is not sexy in any way, to me.

                I realize I am not the Queen of Fashion Police, and I have no official capacity to decide what others wear. I am just sharing my opinion. I truly hope that as I age I will not develop unsupervised dementia and somehow wander out of my house to walk about in my night gown, or worse, naked. I had one streaking episode when I was about 3, and my mother found me outside dressed only in her high heels. She evidently convinced me this was not a good look!

            • Why do you think most cycling shorts/tights are black ? There was a pic circulating on the web of a men’s team wearing their sponsor’s red kit. You could see more than moose knuckles !

            • Your Lycra comment brought back pleasant memories of a women only bus tour through Italy many years ago.
              When a group of men cyclists would be seen, the call went out MAMILS.
              “ middle aged men in Lycra “
              And this was followed by hysterical laughter.
              Such a good time!!

          • Portia, here’s my take on the dick pic issue. By sending a picture of their most beloved body part, they are doing two things:
            1. Flashing their junk at random women, like a guy sitting in a car with his pants down at a red light;
            2. Actually sorting out those on the dating site to find the very special people who would get turned on by that ridiculous. For women with the sense not to expose themselves to all and sundry, a guy sending us a dick pick would be a hard no (pun intended); the women who are attracted by those photos are identifying themselves as interested.

            I’m just glad that the sagging pants and visible thong eras are largely over.

            • I think you have it right. It is a “fishing” ad. Buyer beware. I, too, am not a fan of the visible thong, on either sex. I just believe any underwear should be under what you wear on top, and not visible. Sigh.

        • When I was young and an older man flirted with me or was inappropriate, I felt pure disgust. So did (all but one) my friends. We would laugh at these pathetic old geezers (who more than likely were in their 50’s at the time)that actually thought we would be interested. I had one friend that did hook up with an older wealthy guy. This friend didn’t attend school, had no desire to work and quite frankly was a bit unstable. She wanted someone to support her and the guys our age were in no position nor did they have the inclination to do so. Anyway it wasn’t long before the old guy dumped her as her issues may have been a bit too much.

    • “ Your sons love you. They contacted you when they received that ridiculous anonymous letter. They wanted their Mom to be protected, armed with knowledge.”
      ^^^
      Good point. And to add to that, I think maybe they also wanted their mom to protect them. Adults need moms, too, when life gets tough. They’re still kids when it comes to being abandoned by their father. WTF was that letter?! I hope CL’s UBT helped all three of you decode that one. Glad you have cultivated an open, honest relationship with your sons and are in this together, Had-it. Also glad you’re all free of your ex, and hopefully doing much better by now – but I am sorry you’ve had to go through any of it. What a turd.

    • I also immediately thought the OW wrote it. There’s way too much spackle and hopium (maybe we can all be a family one day!) in there to come from a cheater who discards.
      I hope you and your boys are at Meh ‘Had it’- you all deserve so much better.

    • OW sent it. Give-away line was “I finally convinced him to send this… ”
      But really what she meant was “I finally convinced him to LET ME send this… “

      • Now that was hilarious! Love looking at the future. I know a 64 yo dad with an 8 yo son. Divorce now and watching the young lady he married DATE again — her age group. He fondly refers to the son as “Heir”.

      • I knew it was that one without even clicking on the link. One of the funniest skits they have ever done.

      • That’ll be my ex. He went on to marry a woman who wasn’t born when we married & we were married 24+ years. She wasn’t the OWhore but gotta wonder what she’s thinking. If he never told her he cheated on his first wife (me) I feel sorry for her which means he’s hiding a horrible secret. On the other hand if he did tell her & she’s still with him, well she gets what she deserves.

  • Holy triangulation! Using a baby as cover to manipulate? Run away, run away!
    Typed, and presumably no signature–sound like it came from the OW, not the husband, unless he wanted to be able to deny sending it if the kids got angry. And why wouldn’t they? They were thrown away until FW and OW faced the realities of a crying baby, realized it takes a village, and remembered that there are two adult child appliances and their spouses who could provide lots of kibbles now and for the foreseeable future. Baby gifts! Birthday gifts! Baby-sitting! Child care and centrality! FW and OW are now parents, so they think they are special and should be accepted by new baby’s uncles and aunts—never mind that said uncles are FW’s FIRST children. abandoned until they could be of use again.
    There’s also an element of image management. It’s hard to keep up a facade of being a good father if your adult kids don’t know the name of their new half-sib. Or maybe it’s a way to blame the KIDS for abandonment, complaining that the adult kids didn’t respond to, or acknowledge the birth of their sib.
    It’s a small town, and since OW was the one-time friend of DIL, rhis may also be an attempt to bring DIL on board as a loving aunt, so things won’t be awkward in their social circle. After all, they’re just one big happy family, right?
    The return address is there because the letter writer wants something in return, probably gift-wrapped, and the exact birthday was provided with the expectation of annual returns.
    FW and OW obviously had the adult kids’ addresses, but couldn’t be bothered to use if for THEIR birthdays or Christmas. Or to apologize for 22 months of silence. Or just send a “thinking of you” card.
    Much as the adult kids may feel sorry for their new half-sib, this letter is a red flag warning of further manipulations to come. I hope they stayed away.
    I’d love to get an update from Had-It!

    • Wait. I think there was no return address.

      But I agree about further manipulative attempts to come…

    • Goodfriend, I think you’ve got it. My first thought was… Free babysitting, and if the babysitter is family, FW & OW could take off for a whole weekend.

      Might have even been OW’s idea, which partially explains why the letter is SO sudden, awkward and clearly not coming from any real change of heart or remorse…”Can’t your kids help??” No need for the fun times to end! Not when you can manipulate people!

      • And ya now, it doesn’t look good if new husband/50-somethingDaddy has er relationship with his adult kids. He’s already a ridiculous cliche. This adds “Family discarder” to his resume.

      • I can’t imagine young adult men (20s I’m guessing ?) being available to babysit their much younger half-sibling.

        I did witness a college aged sibling’s great hostility towards her young half-siblings, resulting in some slapping and grabbing. I worked as a nanny one summer for a family whose father was running for Congress. His daughter from his first marriage came for the summer to ostensibly help the
        carpetbagger.
        He, and his second wife, really didn’t want her there. During a fundraiser, he forget to introduce her as part of his family. I’ll never forget the look on her face. Second wife’s father (newspaper conglomerate family) bankrolled the campaign. All was not rosy with wife #2. He threatened to “kick her ass” one day. I fled with the kids down the hill to the beach club.
        They’re still married. The older daughter never married or had children.

        • I wouldn’t say this is true of everyone though. My half sister is 18 years younger than me and I adored her! I spoiled her rotten. Now I get to spoil her kids. It depends on the family.

        • True, I’ve not had my brother (mid 20s when my son was born) watch the kids except like 30 mins. My sisters, aunties & parents all volunteer though.

    • Yeah this was totally written by the OW. My guess is that now she has her own little bundle of joy, she’s suddenly worried about a man who could abandon his other children without a care. Thus she comes up with this cringey shit because she hopes they can play big happy family, and her husband will pay attention to them all again. Then she doesn’t have to face the fact that she took up with a shit human and a shit father.

  • This is all kinds of screwed up and my heart goes out to you Had It!! Is it just me or did anyone else think that it was the OW who wrote that letter? In an attempt to tidy up the mess they caused! I suspect he knows nothing about it! These people!!
    Had It, you and your wonderful children are the family unit and you will reach Meh together on Tuesday.

    • Yes!!! I agree that she probably wrote it, but I’m not sure he didn’t know anything about it. In their little post-partum folie a deux, they most likely thought it was a good idea. I also think it’s a “thing” now for moms to write letters as if they are from the baby. My niece did this. Thank you notes to her newborns were written from the POV of the baby. “I love my new rattle.”

      My guess is that the OW is another flying monkey. Oh, and they probably want not only babysitters but also great Instagram photos of one big happy, blended family. Oh, and she’s probably tired of him endlessly complaining that the kids have NC with him. She feels partly to blame and hates that feeling. Time to make all well and unload some of that blame squarely on his sons.

      The only thing that trips me up is the lack of a return address.

      I wish “Had It” would write a follow-up.

      What we do know is that all could not be well in paradise. Even in the most solid of relationships, a new baby adds STRESS. This dude did not sign up for that. He wants to be golfing, having hot sex etc…Leaky breasts can kill that vibe. Just sayin’….

      • “Open the nursery, close the bedroom”
        A newborn is the center of a mother’s world, not her soon-to-be senior citizen husband. Guess who else is crying ?

  • They don’t really care about their kids. They care that their image is being tarnished.

    So they want to have a happy crappy reunion and pretend that all is good.

    Everything they did will be ‘forgotten’ if they can make nice with the grown kids and the new baby.

  • STBX of 31 years has not contacted our 31 & 28 year old kids, other than birthday text for 28 y/o. No Christmas greeting, gifts or card. Breaks my heart for them, as I cannot fix it. But they see that he made his choice to visit OW and her family for Thanksgiving!

  • Unsurprisingly, my 6 year old daughter still feels hurt that her father has not bothered to contact her for the last three years. No birthday cards, Christmas cards or even a phone call.
    I tell her that some people just don’t know how or aren’t able to be a good parent and it’s not her fault, but I imagine that’s small consolation to a child.
    I am sad for her but also – to my shame- massively relieved by his dropping out of our lives. He attacked me sexually whilst we were together, lied about pretty much everything and after I left, did everything he could to cause trouble for me using her as a weapon. I doubt he’s changed much. In that sense I hope and pray he continues to leave us alone.

    • Keep telling your daughter, you are sorry she got dealt a bad hand in the father department (it happens) but he’s a defect and that has nothing to do with her or you. Besides I’m sure she is just missing having a father, like some of her friends, not so much your ex. She is lucky not to have him in her life as it would only cause chaos and heartbreak over and over.

    • I’ve read that young children are egocentric, in that they deep down blame themselves when people leave.

  • Had-It,

    Well I guess that just about takes today’s biscuit; co-opting a new born child as a flying monkey is something of a low point.

    I’d also observe that statements along the lines of “our Dad thinks about you every day and hopes that you are going to be OK” mean absolutely nothing. It’s not about what Dad thinks or says, it’s about what he does to make things OK …… and I’m willing to bet that he’s done the square root of minus f*ck all in that respect.

    LFTT

  • The biggest moron in all of this is the OW. Boy, she sure got a prize and gets to waste good years of her youth on grandpa, who is going to be aging fast.

    Good luck you stupid bitch….you deserve the prize you won.

    As for LW, I hope she’s moved on to a better life.

  • Definitely had to be written by new mommy because I suspect the guy is missing his sons and the new baby is triggering his awakening conscience. Sounds like they want back in so they’re moving first with the sons.

    • The reason it was typed is because new wife wrote it. The sons would know their father’s handwriting.

  • This just in from the Craigslist Sole Mate fucker who blew up our family, left town and his daughter in the dust for a secret apartment with Sole Mate, funded with embezzled marital funds:

    Hello Dr. Co-Parent and Velvet Hammer,
    Requests for our upcoming meeting.
    XXX is not really talking with me, yet. I am communicating via notes and short one-line responses from her.
    In an effort to improving my relationship with XXX I would like to learn more about what she is like now. It has been a while sense her and I have talked. I am hoping Velvet Hammer can Tell us about XXX. What she likes. How she spends her time. What kind of movies she watches? Food and drinks, other likes / dislikes etc.. Can we spend some time in our meeting on this topic?

    Best Regard,

    The Traitor

    The children who are caught in the crossfire of these spectacularly obtuse idiots is the thing that upsets me the most.

    Affairs are all in the name of LOVE.

    Love love love love love.

    I think affairs are proof, way beyond a shadow a doubt, that the people involved haven’t the slightest clue what that word means.

    From the time my daughter could TALK, when asked if she wanted to do something, she would say, “I want to do it as a family.” It was the sweetest mannerism and it breaks my heart thinking about it now.

    I remember this column from when it ran before, and it is so stunningly, evilly manipulative and screwed up on so many levels I don’t even know where to begin. I can only say it is just the absolute smoking gun that this individual is a complete moron when it comes to relationships. ALL relationships. And that is a silver lining here.

    They crap all over ALL of their relationships, not just the one with you.
    The silver lining is that remembering this helps me out of the trap of blaming myself and put it squarely and completely back on the traitor.

    • Ouch! This reminds me of a letter I wrote as a stepmother. My ex-husband’s former wife was going through a second divorce. (He and I met and courted years after that first divorce).

      Their 12 year old daughter (my stepdaughter) was being thrust into the middle of a custody dispute regarding her younger half brother. It impacted our time with her and she was in danger of being asked to testify/lie on behalf of her mother.

      The term parent alienation wasn’t used then and “blended” families were also a new area of research. I think my motives – and the content of the letter signed by her father and I – were
      fine.

      But, in retrospect, I realize it was a red flag regarding boundaries and triangulation. My husband should have taken the lead in protecting his daughter and his time with her. If we “grew apart”, it was likely from the ensuing arguments around these issues.

  • Words of sadists.

    Bonnie and Clyde having sexual highs.

    “I hope you’re not upset I sent this picture to you.”
    I hope you are as upset and hurt as you could possibly be.

    “I also know that he feels terrible about how things went and is so sorry he hurt so many people, especially you.”
    He feels otherwise unreachable pleasure hurting people. Especially hurting you.

    “I know he wanted to send you the very first pictures of me but was afraid it would only hurt you more.”
    He would want to hurt you more.

    “I finally convinced him to send this just to let you know he thinks of you both everyday and hopes you’re going to be ok.”
    He hopes you are doing very badly.

    • The malignant narc/borderline-world of sadistically hurting/harming to draw blood = supply.

      Here the children drawn into the sadistic sexual element. Intergenerational boundaries crossed. So as to be left with a slimy sense of the incestuous.

  • My simple translation?

    “I know absolutely, positively nothing nada zip zero zilch about love, loyalty, commitment, emotional maturity, or healthy relationships. I have no moral compass or observing conscience. I am a malignant passive aggressive narcissistic psychopath.

    Meet my latest helpless victim.”

  • My ex sent our adult daughter a letter and did not include his return address, even after saying he wanted to remain connected. She spotted the irony right away. Although she can’t stand him and has gone NC of her own accord, I think she was hurt by the absence of the return address.

    Similarly, my ex recently wrote to me c/o another relative whose address he knows. He didn’t include his return address, which is laughable because it’s on so many legal documents that we share. I was advised by my lawyer to use a different address. He didn’t bother, which is fine, but surely he knows I know his address. So weird!

    I think it’s a childish “two can play at this game. You won’t show me yours; I won’t show you mine.” He’s a man-child. This is passive-aggressive, I think. What the right hand gives, the left taketh away (or some shit like that). It’s his way of exerting control (at least in his own effed-up mind).

  • I know someone who had a baby with someone else’s husband (her pregnancy exposed their affair and ended his marriage). The man’s adult don will have nothing to do with her or the child. You can see she is mortified when anyone asks if the adult son makes a fuss of his little sister, it exposes the situation for what it is and she can no longer erase it. I’d bet money the baby’s mother wrote that letter.

  • Someone is feeling the heat of being shunned inna small town. Someone is being blamed for the good guy image destruction.

    Time to have grandpa, err, dad become the “family” man that people thought he was? Time to be able to push that stroler without the dirty looks and laughter?? He looks ridiculous and he knows it. He is a fkg joke and now she is to blame (it could not possibly be him lol). But the baby is innocent, that would do it, some christening parties as a big happy family and Instagram glory, those millennial who res like that. She wrote it.

    • “He looks ridiculous and he knows it.”

      I bet!

      When mine met his OW’s father, who isn’t much older than he, he said it felt “awkward.” Some tiny part of their reptilian brains can see the mismatch.

      • I just couldn’t help myself one evening, after a day of shopping. I stopped by at my favorite hotel bar, popular with locals as well. A young woman/older man sat next to me and she got up to work the room. When she sat down, she looked me up and down and asked me where I’m from. I answered and asked her where she and her father are visiting from. ????‍⬛ ????

  • Perhaps its my age, but I have another perspective on this situation. I am not excusing anything the FW dad did, or any motivation the much younger OW mother had. I am thinking about the baby, and the children of the original marriage. They are related, and they did not ask to be born or put into this screwed up situation. None of these children are responsible for any choices any parent made. Some day, there may be curiosity, or a yearning to actually know each other. The new baby will only know the history the lying cheating parents tell. The original children will always wonder why Dad took off. They may wonder if their mother is at fault. They may wonder if something is wrong with them. The baby will wonder why there is such a strange family dynamic. Chances are, these two FW’s will not stay married, or FW Dad will die first. Chances are that FW mom will make a series of bad choices in her life, and the new baby may have several half siblings.

    I have lived long enough to understand that the “dream” of the perfect family unit rarely exists. My parents were married for 40 years, all 5 children out of the home before they finally divorced. My mother felt compelled to wait for both of her parents to pass away before she filed. I am the oldest, 12 years older than the baby. We often discuss family history, and the younger ones do not have the same memories I do. They come to me for information, because they could never get it from original sources. It was not considered polite conversation, it was determined to be “none of your business.”

    Your family may not be the family you want, but that does not mean you don’t want family. My dad was always a strange, deeply dysfunctional man, descended from a long line of dysfunctional people. My mother’s people were more “normal”, but there were many religious zealots in the family with a dire, stern outlook about what was right or wrong. My mother struggled with her raising, and her marital choice (originally viewed as a form of escape) for most of her adult life. None of the siblings has ever had a successful long term relationship, and I am the only one who chose to have children. My son’s don’t have half siblings, that we know of, but they have often been in embarrassing situations due to their FW dad’s total oblivious behaviors.

    I am not sure what the phrase “blood is thicker” actually means, but I think about it from a DNA, medical, geo-political outlook. I believe you have to know about past history to make a better informed decision about future choices. If you don’t accept the truth, you reduce your chances of making some type of sense in your world. We are not responsible for any decision an ancestor made, good, or bad. We just need to understand how their choices had an ultimate effect on our own choices.

    We have a lot of work to do, as a society, to change some concepts that have been socially acceptable for centuries before we were born. I do not believe any young girl (or boy) dreams of or desires sexual congress with an old man. I believe all of the inappropriate thought and behavior lands solidly on the shoulders of the old man. I don’ believe all men believe, or act in this inappropriate manner. But the attitude of entitlement has been around forever, and rape has existed as an act of war for forever. What can we do to change this?

    In addition, who is your family? Do you have to be related by blood? I believe there are many adopted children and parents who would answer “no”. Why do the children have to wonder why they were put up for adoption, or feel somehow at fault, or unwanted because they were? If this baby someday actually does reach out to the half siblings, do they reject the overture because of the sins of the father? If you, or your children, have actual blood relations in the population, should you be allowed to know? Would you want to know?

    Whether it was the FW dad, or the FW OW mom who wrote this stupid and inappropriate letter, there is a new child. There are existing children. They have choices to make, and curiosities to satisfy. My heart goes out to them.

    • Portia,

      Absolutely agree with your points about informed choice.

      As an aside (and I hope that this is helpful), I believe that the phrase “blood is thicker than water” is actually derived from an old proverb which states that “the blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb.” Its meaning is that the bonds formed in adversity (wartime is often quoted) are stronger than familial ties. A bit like Henry V’s speech before Agincourt that goes something like “and he today who sheds his blood with me shall be my brother be he ne’re so vile” if you will.

      In the modern telling- usually in its shortened form – its meaning seems to have been reversed and used to suggest that you should back other family members, regardless of whether they are right or wrong; which I think is a BS approach, but there you go.

      LFTT

      • Thanks for the reference LFTT. Interesting how words and sayings get mangled.
        My new favorite saying is “Blood may be thicker than water but love is thicker than blood.” A lot of harm can be overlooked for the sake of fragile familial ties.

        • SPbaS,

          You are not wrong; I hate the way that we are expected to “bury the hurt” just because the hurt was caused by a family member. Even more than this, I hate the fact that we get criticised if we put an appropriate distance between ourselves and a family member who has proven beyond any doubt that they are toxic.

          LFTT

  • The OW definitely wrote that letter. 58-year-old men are not likely to adopt either a cutesie writing style or the persona of a newborn baby.

    I kept thinking that the 58-year-old father of that newborn will be in his 70s when that baby becomes a teenager. Of course by that time he’ll be checked out–either mentally or literally–but I’m betting the OW would really love to have the baby’s half-brothers available as surrogate father figures. And with her penchant for shitting where she eats (she was the fiancée of one of his employees) and poaching within the family (she was a friend of the writer’s daughter-in-law) I would be worried that she’ll be looking to replace Grandpa Dad with one of his sons (one of the two “surrogate fathers/half-brothers”).

  • Even six years out from Dday and four from divorce, XH’s cruelty and manipulative behavior continues— and I still find it hard to believe that XH is capable of such cruelty to our children, who are teens and young adults. The latest is particularly sickening and involves a Christmas puppy for our youngest (a ploy to get her to spend time with AP at his home). XH is threatening to give it “away” because our daughter won’t stay at his home after AP’s emotional abuse. Sociopathic.

    I’m trying to mitigate the harm with love and support but i cannot undo this harm—it’s devastating and infuriating.

    • So sorry, Motherchumper99.
      You said it. Cruelty it is.
      In general people cannot fathom what cruelties these individuals are capable of.

  • #dancemotherfucker…. that sums it up. This was all for supply and triangulation. If it was ow’s letter then it’s for the same. What sane person does this? None. It’s just another ploy to keep him central in your lives. Don’t let him have that satisfaction.

  • Again I am horrified by the level of depravity and meanness of these low-life cheaters. There has to be a special place in hell for people who treat others this way. THIS IS NOT OK.

    Dear Had-it – I am really sorry for the pain this Fuckwit has caused you and your children. Besides that I am at a loss for words.

  • My ex actually made the OW and the other, OW sign something stating if they got pregnant or a STD that he would not be responsible. Yes, this actually happened. He had these young girls believing he was so amazing, wealthy and powerful that they actually signed. When I finally got discovery in my contentious divorce I was shocked to see how disturbed my husband’s behavior truly was.
    As far as why so many of them have kids with the young OW, I can only assume that they figure if it doesn’t work out they will just run again and abandon. If they did it once, they can do it again. So awful!

    • I doubt that would hold up in court, especially for the child, but yeah these guys are something else.

  • I wasted time and money during a year of group therapy led by a second time father at age 60.

    He started the session one week by announcing to us that he needed to tell us something since one member of the group saw the therapist out in public. He proceeded to the corner of his office, pointing to a photo of him holding an adorable baby. “Congratulations !” I said “Is that your first grandchild ?” “No !” he responded, with great annoyance “It’s my daughter !”

    He shared his devastation at losing his firstborn during his first marriage, shortly after the baby’s birth. He and his wife divorced (I suspect he cheated). His second marriage ended when she died of cancer. I’m thinking “Uh why is he telling us this ? This is really inappropriate” He really wanted to be a father so he discussed it with a much younger female, lesbian friend. They did the deed and voila !

    He was not in the best of health-big belly. When I told a friend, she asked me his name. “Oh he was one of my professors in grad school. He’s an alcoholic.” Her father was an alcoholic. She pointed out the gut and the ruddy complexion are indicative of a drinking problem. I had attributed it to overeating and his northern European ancestry/no daily sunblock. So if he lives to attend her high school graduation, she’ll be lucky (?)

    Quite the cast of characters in the group. An emotionally labile woman who was spreading her legs for a married man. A married former therapist
    who was getting Tantric massages whilst his wife cheated with her male tango partner (they have two young sons). Another former therapist (married man) who likes to perv on women by standing under staircases, hoping to look up their skirts. Etc ????‍♀️

    When you know better, you do better.

    Ps He teaches at one of the local universities and prides himself on getting the position with only a master’s. The novelty of a male therapist and all that.

  • My first child was abandoned by her BPD, addict bio-dad. Not a word for 10 years, until he had a kid with whatever victim he was preying on at the time. Then he contacted my daughter through another relative, asking to renew the relationship, obviously just so his kid would have a sibling. She ignored him.
    So should the kids in this case.

    Gotta give her credit, the OW sure can write a hell of a cringey, vomit-inducing letter. You’d swear she was being jokingly sardonic if you didn’t know how stupid these cretins are.

  • How much of a child are you that you have to write a letter from the perspective of a baby rather than saying those things yourself? What a total coward.

    What do they actually want. Oh yes – cake, for you to dance for them and for you to sweep what they’ve done under the carpet.

    The immaturity and cowardice of sending something like this speaks volumes really.

  • Not only do I agree with others here that the OW wrote it, but I also think it’s a sign that all is not well in new-baby paradise. The OW might not like her grandpa-looking husband, but she is desperate to keep his wallet in the pic. She feels vulnerable with the new baby, and she knows the dad is an abandoner.

    This letter is an act of desperation.

    I would also guess that the dad agreed that she could send it as long as she didn’t include the return address. It’s his way of appeasing her without making any true overture to the kids from his first marriage.

    I really feel bad for this new baby. What a mess! Selfish people don’t make for good parents.

    • “She feels vulnerable with the new baby, and she knows the dad is an abandoner.”

      I agree that insecurity motivated that letter. If things were so rosy, there wouldn’t be a need to reach out to people they mistreated.

      OWife knows that the husband has done the fatherhood bit, he’s been proven to be selfish and callous, so there’s likely a gnawing worm of concern that he’ll treat her and their child similar to how he treated his ‘old’ family.

    • I got the same feeling. Cheater is not too happy right now and OW may think (mistakenly) he is missing his sons and therefore resents her and the new baby. Bringing cheater and his sons together will make everything honky dory. Only it won’t. Cheater is more than likely unhappy that he is stuck with a new baby. Also, lets face it, the OW now has a post baby body more than likely covered in baby food, vomit and smells like dirty diapers. Not exactly what he signed on for during their affair.

  • I’d be tempted to find a way to respond back:

    Dear baby,
    Since you are able to type a letter at less than a month old, hopefully you can also drive a car. Your dad is horrific. Grab the keys and drive as far away from that creepy narcissist pig as you can.
    Good luck. You’re going to need it.
    Signed,
    your siblings possibly (you might want to check that your dna actually matches that asshat)

  • I think the OW wrote it….

    She’s trying to make a big, happy family. And her husband probably has been moping around and is distant. Even postpartum 30 years old aren’t exactly playboy fantasy….. and it has the immaturity of an OW written all over it.

  • Yuk. Such manipulation from that couple. Just sick.

    My ex took off and barely communicated with the college kids for year. All kinds of good and bad happened with them in that year, and he wasn’t part of it. Period.

    Then he sent us big checks to cover every milestone and Christmas. As if that covered it without question. Flip a switch and make everything bad go away. Never mind that we were living near the poverty line because of him and because I was SAHM having a horrible time getting a good job. I gave each kid two carefully chosen presents, and he sent the big checks. Ouch! I’m quite sure he was disappointed in our response because he kicked off the divorce process right after that.

    I’m sad that my kids had to wrestle with manipulative behavior and stinkin’ thinkin’ from their father, but they are wise beyond their years now. They went no contact when I went no contact per my attorney’s recommendation, and they haven’t responded to him since. I worked with my ex via email at times during closeout, but haven’t heard from him in awhile. Those interactions were unpleasant, but I was much stronger by then and recognized the game-playing for what it was.

  • What a screw up that man is. The next generation is about to get screwed as well, which really gets me upset…when does all this stop? I know what it’s like having a narcissist father as an adult (and mother too, unfortunately I didn’t even have one sane parent.). They have caused immense emotional pain. It’s hard to accept that you didn’t matter to a romantic partner, but a parent is another level. How can you replace a parent? Those who discard their children (or play dumb about boundaries and pick-me-dances) are the worst filth. They are shirking their responsibility to society – to create emotionally healthy and capable human beings. And they get protection quite often from society in the “respect thy parents” mantra. There is no validation for your emotional abuse. These abandoning/neglecting/manipulative parents are lacking a spiritual essence (not refering to religious, but one of reflection).

    On this topic, my FW EX’s recent birthday card to my daughter on her birthday as well was a letter full of BS. Apparently my 15 year old daughter has taught him respect and kindness…and full of other such nuggets. He was so kind and respectful that he triangulated me with the OW, exposing their continued affair on purpose (D-day #2) to get one up, thinking that I would do the pick-me-dance….But I kicked him out instead (thank you CN & CL for that advice!). The kindness and respect has since continued [sarcasm] while we go through making an agreement to separate.
    He’s even triangulating with my parents for extra effect, going off to have birthday celebrations for my daughter with my [dysfunctional] family. My narc parents and I have fallen out years ago when I put some boundaries in place that shocked them…I’m learning about narcissists from many avenues.

    There are stories in the comments of this blog that blow my mind – way far fetched than mine. I salute you all for finding your mightiness….moving towards that light at the end of the tunnel.

  • Yep, this is some shitty attempt at image management and mindfuckery by the OW. The Cheater Dad wouldn’t have that much imagination/delusion (take your pick).

  • He is very much throwing the baby in their faces, whether he realizes it or not. If he even wrote it. I feel bad for the boys.

  • A parent who abandons their child fails being a human being at the most fundamental and basic level. There is no redemption for that.

    There is still hope for the OW, though. Once she is done with all the kids diapers she can move right on up to changing hubbies diapers. We may get the shit sandwich but her life will be filled with fecal matter in perpetuity. I hope she lives forever so she can enjoy it.

  • Ex is a pilot for a major airline, each month the airline publishes an employee newsletter/magazine, they profile a senior Captain, including a portrait of the pilot and his family. I remember being surprised at how many of these senior pilots, in their 50’s, are holding a toddler, his wife in her 20’s, (usually former flight attendant) holding a newborn and standing beside them would be two or three of his children in their 20’s from his first marriage.

  • My friend (not an OW) was a second wife.
    She had two boys with him and found out the morning after their seventh wedding anniversary dinner that he had been cheating the entire marriage. He has had barely anything to do with the boys since he left.

    The red flag she ignored was that he was a ghost in the life of his two daughters from his first marriage….

    About a year and a half ago she told me he was engaged. The most recent update is that he is in rehab for sex addiction…..

    They. Do. Not. Change.

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