Stay in Touch

Check out CL's Book

UBT: This Isn’t the Real Me

Ben submitted this glorious bit of bullshit from his not-terribly-remorseful wife. She’d like to set the record straight that the woman who cheated on him was NOT her. Well, not the core her anyway. (And if it’s just your genitals cheating, and not your core, it doesn’t count, right?)

You’ll all be relieved to know that however difficult, Ben’s wife will Sacrifice Her Happiness for the Good of the Family.

Here’s her bullshit:

Suddenly I was setting up Skype/What’sApp accounts and using a burner phone and lying to my family about my whereabouts. That’s not ME at my core. As much as I found myself, I also lost myself. Now I’ve chosen my family — I can’t hurt my husband and kids for my own happiness. This is my choice, my reasons don’t matter. No more secrets in my marriage. My heart, but not my head, can be in two places at once. I have chosen my kids and the family life I want them to have with the people who have created them, thanks to the will of God. My happiness is no longer at my forefront. My husband and I are in counseling and much has been talked about that I wish he wasn’t aware of. My feelings have changed, and even if my marriage doesn’t work out, the Other Man and I don’t have a future. OM suffers from depression. You should have heard me with my therapist — if he commits suicide I would have to go mourn him. Try explaining that one to my family!

Boy, CN — can’t you feel the sorry? Without further ado, we’ll put it through the Universal Bullshit Translator.

Suddenly I was setting up Skype /What’sApp accounts and using a burner phone and lying to my family about my whereabouts. That’s not ME at my core.

Deep, deep down in my mitochondrial DNA is the Real Me. She’s a tiny invisible presence. Just a whiff of a scintilla of a simulacrum of a soul. The Real Me isn’t dependent on any of my actual behavior, but I can summon this purported Better Self at will. Like, whenever you call me out on my bullshit. Oh look! There she is!

As much as I found myself, I also lost myself.

My personal journey of discovery was worth destroying your world. I lost myself (see also: mistake, wayward, wandered haplessly into a snowdrift), but in the process I found myself! She was lost, that Happy Person — but cheating on you reawakened me! That true self who isn’t the core me.

Now I’ve chosen my family — I can’t hurt my husband and kids for my own happiness.

If I hurt you, it was only so I could be happy. And isn’t my personal happiness worth your suffering? I think it is.

Choosing you is the right, but miserable choice. Little concession prizes, all of you.

You know what would be great? Is if you cared about my happiness. Then you’d let me fuck other people, and not force me to choose you in great sorrow.

This is my choice, my reasons don’t matter.

I got dumped.

 No more secrets in my marriage.

You won’t learn the truth, so don’t even try.

My heart, but not my head, can be in two places at once.

You’ll never own my heart. But you get my head! An expanse so barren it makes Texas look like the fertile crescent. #winning

I have chosen my kids and the family life I want them to have with the people who have created them, thanks to the will of God.

I blame Jesus for this shit.

I will martyr myself for the sake of God and Family. There is nobility in my suffering. Woe!

My happiness is no longer at my forefront. My husband and I are in counseling and much has been talked about that I wish he wasn’t aware of.

If I say much more about fucking around on him, my husband may not care as deeply about my happiness as he should. I wish he wasn’t aware. #nomoresecrets

My feelings have changed, and even if my marriage doesn’t work out, the Other Man and I don’t have a future.

My feelings changed when the OM dumped me. Time to re-examine my marriage! And hedge my bets if it doesn’t work out.

OM suffers from depression. You should have heard me with my therapist — if he commits suicide I would have to go mourn him. Try explaining that one to my family!

I’m sorry I can’t go to your choral recital, Cindy. I’m mourning my fuckbuddy, who put a bullet in his head for his unrequited love of me. The funeral is today, so your little childhood accomplishments will just have to wait. Does this black Armani suit make Mommy’s ass look fat? I know you’re only 6, but look sharp! Mommy’s talking to you! Tell Mommy she looks pretty in her suit. It’s essential that I look good today, Cindy. His wife will probably be at the funeral, all sad, drab and sexless. But brave in her own way, of course. I need a tasteful outfit that says “I fucked your dead husband. Better than you ever could.”

Oh Cindy, quit sniveling. It’s a school assembly of tone-deaf grade schoolers warbling show tunes. It’s not La Scala. Consider Mommy’s happiness, Darling. I have a funeral to go to.

***

Run, Ben, RUN.

This one ran previously. Updating the site.

Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • Priceless.

    In the end, what matters is the Armani suit that makes you *tastefully* grief-stricken for your fuck-buddy, in a great-ass way.

    Cheaters, shallow? Whaaaa?

  • My heart, but not my head, can be in two places at once.

    You’ll never own my heart. But you get my head! An expanse so barren it makes Texas look like the fertile crescent. #winning

    Oh, this made me chuckle. So funny!

    • I know some guys have different ideas on marital obligation and would want their WW to remain in the marital home and continue her wifely “duty” despite her own feewings.

      But if my wife was cheating and she took a deep, resigned breath and said she was going to choose me and our home and family only her own personal happiness, I think my reaction would be, “Fine, knock yourself out, but i’m not.”

      I doubt if I would even agree to MC if she was hooking up elsewhere but if for the sake of argument we were in MC when that statement came out of her mouth, i’d tell the counselor thanks for your time, but it’s a nice day out and I hear my motorcycle and the road calling me and and I don’t want to be anyone’s “duty” so I’m heading out.”

      What’s the point? If she’s not happy with me and I am some kind of household duty like scrubbing the toilet, why would I want her in my airspace?

      I have a life to live and my own well being and happiness. Why should I subject myself to someone who has resigned herself to the daily grind and misery of being with me just because things didn’t work out with Sven From Yoga.

      Screw that, go find your happiness bitch – just be sure to pay your share of child support or feed and care for your kids on your designated days.

      The kids need an involved and engaged mother.

      I DONT!!!

      • I thought the same thing. I would take that letter to my lawyer as evidence and kick her ass out. What a POS narcissist!

      • Great perspective. I got the “I owed it to you to try” from my cheating husband after D-day. It’s very important to these cheaters that we know they’re only around out of a sense of duty, rather than any personal desire.

    • Yeah, that was a great line!

      Suddenly remembering (now that the topic of funerals is at hand) the OW mournfully looking at my boyfriend as if to say, “why aren’t you standing by my side right now?” Sad sad face. Awwww. Um, I don’t know, perhaps because he’s standing by my side because he’s my boyfriend? Just a thought. ????????‍♀️ And perhaps because your dead husband isn’t even in the ground yet? Is waiting 45 minutes until the man is buried all that long to wait? You were married ten years, but hey, maybe that’s just me….????

      Craziness, I tell you…. ????????????

  • They are in counseling and “Much has been talked about that I wish he wasn’t aware of.” Typical cheaterspeak passive voice to avoid admitting anything, but she’s referring to either what she said or the therapist said, which he heard. She’s so used to the lies and gaslighting that she can’t even say that directly.
    What’s really horrific is what she says about her LACK of feelings for OM, who’s depressed and therefore not available to be Her Future. “You should have heard me with my therapist — if he commits suicide I would have to go mourn him. Try explaining that one to my family!” She actually sounds excited by the centrality–if he kills himself she HAS to go mourn him, and HAS to explain that to her family. She’s already played this starring role with her therapist–we should have heard her! And given her applause and kibbles!– although it’s a bit premature to play the grieving OW. No mention of how to help OM, or concern for him. If she can’t get kibbles from him in life, she’ll get them from his death. It’s not just Ben who should run. OM should run too, for his life. Cheaterwife sounds like she’d be happy to goad him into suicide.

  • I know this is a rerun, but for goodness sake ……. “That’s not me at my core” she says.

    Judging her by her actions, that’s exactly who she is. She knows it, everyone else knows it, but she just doesn’t want to be held to account for it. The rest is just an invite to a narcissistic pity party with the cheater in the starring role.

    I despise these people.

    LFTT

    • Hello LFTT

      When I told my ex that he wasn’t a very decent person he looked at me like he had no idea what I meant.

      I then started my monologue:

      Decent people don’t deceive
      Decent people don’t lie
      Decent people don’t use
      Decent people don’t hurt others
      Etc. Etc.

      He responded to say ‘I’m a nice guy. I don’t know why you would think I’m not’

      Wait….what.

      You know my dad used to say…you can’t argue with stupid.

      And yes…I despise these people too.

      • MC,

        Well we all know through bitter experience that someone who starts off with “I’m a nice guy” probably isn’t!

        My side of the family have a saying ….. “If you don’t want people to think you are a d*ck, then don’t act like a d*ck. And if you act like a d*ck, you shouldn’t act surprised if people treat you like a d*ck. Nobody likes a d*ck.”

        And I fully agree about not arguing with stupid; there’s no point wasting well constructed logic on these morons.

        LFTT

        • The ex said “I don’t want to be a twat” and then proceeded to deceive me, lie to my face, spy on my emails, break a no-contact promise… And when he finally moved out, got praise from his new landlady for not moving far away, which apparently made him a good Dad to our 3 kids, now young adults. Now that I’ve refused to let him back and the OW doesn’t want him, he’s moving 800 miles away to be near his sister.
          Ehhhhhh…

      • My FW father (FWF) asked me “Why did mom dump me after 54 years?” (My mother surprised him with papers served after he fled home and went to their vacation home.) This was in front of his psychiatrist. Since he asked, I answered.

        “You cheated on her for a number of years. You treated her poorly. You were disrespectful, dismissive, deceitful, demeaning, demanding, unfaithful, mean, insulting, etc. Why should she have stayed?”

        He really doesn’t get it. Really. Like she should have put up with all his shit (well, she did for many years obviously) and let him treat her so dismissively, just as a wife-appliance who does shit for him with no love or kindness or fidelity or loyalty or honesty or truthfulness in return? Really?

        My mom said that after the divorce she thought FWF might find a nice lady and go back to one of his former APs. I said, “Mom, women who sleep with married men are not nice ladies.”

        The truth of the matter is that in her role as wife-appliance, she gave him credibility. Everyone loves my mom and must have thought, “If FWF is with him and she is such a good person then maybe he isn’t so bad.” Now that they are almost divorced, the only people he can find to hang out with him are people he pays and bar-rat whores who are my age who are trying to milk him for his money. He’s lost his legitimacy as a “good person” since my mother was married to him. He has no credibility as a decent human being and his double-life/underground-life is now coming to the forefront. Former associates are dropping like flies now that they are seeing him for who he really is.

        • People assumed my father was also a much better person than he really was, while my mother was alive, because she was so extraordinarily good-hearted and empathic. The more perceptive ones think he has lost his moral center in the decades after her death, not realizing that this misogynist, stingy, entitled narcissist is the real him, and has been for his entire adulthood.
          I have no way of knowing if he ever had extra-marital sex, but I saw him routinely flirt heavily and drunkenly with other women in front of my mother while putting my mother down with insults about her looks, intellect and family. He also also routinely made sexual comments and jokes about her and about his teen daughters’ bodies when I was growing up, when we were all present.
          I do see many of his friends falling away now too; the sleazy or creepy ones that my mother disliked, stick around, the others limit their time with him. The children and grandchildren of his own brothers and sisters were taught to look to him and to my mother as a source of help and comfort during the time my mother was alive, but are quickly finding that he won’t do anything for them now that my mother is dead, unless it costs him nothing and is no trouble and makes him look good in some way to people he admires socially. Ironically he is reaching out to my mother’s family for companionship instead, as his own family is succumbing to the effects of alcoholism and mental and physical inactivity and low career attainment; but he still speaks of all her family contemptuously in private. It is all ego kibbles with him. I still wish he would do the work to transform himself into a consistently good-hearted, kind man, but he will never do so. I stopped speaking with him over a year ago, but am still recovering from the decades of sabotage he dished out.

        • Abusers are oblivious. My ex wife’s former step father was extremely abusive to his disabled wife. She was near bed bound and he still made her mow the lawn, cook and clean and run around behind him and yet he did nothing for her. He would smash the house up, physically assaulted my ex wife and her sister even including when pregnant. His money, stole her money, told her what to wear, accused her of affairs despite us catching him meeting other women. He was just vile and when social services got her out off the house he blamed absolutely everyone else for her leaving. Apparently we were just all against him. Yeah was nothing to do with over a decade of abuse on many levels and how the marriage was so loving she tried to kill herself twice.

          • Thank goodness social services and your family managed to get her out of there! I hope she was able to heal when out of his presence.

  • “Show me who your friends are, and I’ll show you who you are”.

    An old saying that is nothing but truth.

    Like that old Chinese fortune cookie joke about adding “in bed” to the end of every fortune, I add “said the liar, cheater, traitor, thief” to the end of every sentence that comes out of their mouths.

    It keeps me out of the cognitive quicksand.

    Yes, it is exactly who you are, and the rest of the bullshit written afterward is proof to anyone whose brain is wired properly.

    His nee catchphrase is “there are two sides to the story”.

    I then say, “said the liar, cheater, traitor, thief”.

    Touché.

      • My ex recently wrote to one of our adult kids to say he wanted to explain his “side of the story.”

        “I want to explain my side of the story,” said the liar. Love it!

        • There’s stories and then there’s facts. We all have our own experiences of events–my life in my FOO wasn’t my sister’s or my brother’s. I was sexually abused by my father. My brother and sister were physically abused by my father. My mother was cheated on. These are facts. None of us had a full knowledge of what my father was doing to the others, and because of our own experience in the family, we have a different take on my father and our family life.

          My problem with my ex and the story he wants to tell about the break up of our marriage is that his “story” omits the facts.

          • Adelante, I’m so sorry your dad sexually abused you. I just can’t imagine the pain.

            Re: facts v opinions–Facts are casualties of emotional situations. I’m not sure my ex’s “side of the story” would omit the facts. He would argue that these ARE the fact. He gaslighted me so often that even I started to question what I had just experienced. After DDay, he argued that he never said x. I sent him a text showing that he had indeed said x. He just ignored it. Cognitive dissonance.

            Overall, I think he came to believe his own lies, mostly to preserve his ego. So, he can tell all the stories he wants. I like to think my kids and true friends can spot BS.

        • Oh Spinach, my ex writes emails, weekly (so involved ????), to our young adult sons that he has his “side of the story”. The sacrifice of having a career—as a DOCTOR who knows things and is so smart and educated—meant he didn’t get to f&ck around as much as he wanted; except he did. Burner phone ✔️ , what’s app ✔️, “working late” ✔️. But seeing a hooker isn’t wrong! Why can’t our kids understand that? Why isn’t he “entitled” to his happiness? He actually hired himself a divorce coach who he meets weekly to learn how to screw over his family during the divorce. Stopped paying any support.

          • I’m noticing a pattern on this site. SO MANY DOCTORS!!!

            Is “thous shalt cheat with abandon” in the Hippocratic Oath?

            • White men in high paying careers who feel they are entitled to OW. Having OW on the side makes them so classy and is also evidence (to them) that they are so much smarter and more deserving than the chumps they gaslight. Oh, they are so good at keeping up those lies! They need a harem to fawn over them and remind them they are so very special.

              FW Klootzak is a retired military officer with income over a quarter million a year. Simply having one spouse is just too pedestrian for someone with that much money/power. We are all supposed to be lucky to have him in our presence.

    • I am going to add that this scenario is EXACTLY why I made my wife finish school, get professional credentialing and maintain completely separate financial accounts and credit before getting married and having a family.

      She was waiting tables and delivering pizzas when we first got together. She would have been perfectly happy being a SAHM.

      There were many times she came home from school in tears while finishing her degree saying she wasn’t smart enough and couldn’t do it. I told her have a good cry, catch her breath and hit the books harder and go back the next day and do it again.

      Why?????

      – so if the day came she fell in love with Sven From Yoga or if she just deceived she no longer wanted to be with me, she can pack her bags and walk.

      I didn’t want to be stuck with some woman pining for someone else or being a hostage to a house and spouse she didn’t want to be with. I didn’t want to be stuck with someone bitter and resentful and who saw me as an infringement to her own well being and happiness.

      And I didn’t want to be socked with unreasonable alimony and child support if she did leave.

      This scenario is EXACTLY what laid the groundwork to avoid and mitigate.

      Now this poor CHUMP is stuck with some heartbroken damsel in distress that is pining for another man that won’t have her, so now she is supposedly falling on her sword to endure her marital duties of putting up with his sorry ass and their children.

      He is a true CHUMP in every sense of the word.

      Now he is just proving her a roof over her head and closet to store her clothes until she finds her next OM.

      Sven From Yoga didn’t want her full time so now maybe Kevin From Sales will take her in a few months.

      Fuck that. Get out and pursue your happiness Bitch so your chumpsband can do the same.

    • Yes, my FW father’s (FWF) friends are people younger than him whom he has to pay to hang out with him, bar-rat whores he picks up at various restaurants around town, women young enough to be his granddaughter whom he over-tips at restaurants and buys gifts for, and old APs whom he keeps on the hook in hopes of getting them to come see him for sex.

      I was talking to one of his former “employees” / “friends” who hung out with him for a couple of months. This was the husband of the girl who was a sort-of personal assistant to him. He said his wife was traumatized by her interactions and short-term association with my FWF. Then the husband was trying to say that they are still willing to help him as friends. I said, “if your wife is traumatized by my FWF, then you should not be hanging out with him at all. It is like being pregnant – you either are or you aren’t. If you are traumatized, then stay away because you can’t be in with FWF only a little bit – he will take all of your psychic energy from you and it will never get better.” And then I told him that narcissist attract co-dependents and they are probably co-dependent and think they can “help or fix” FWF and he will totally take advantage of that.

      Oh, then he told me that one of the whores my FWF paid a lot of money to had her friends sort of “kidnap” my FWF! He wasn’t sure of the exact details so I have to get the information from someone else (of course FWF didn’t tell me and wouldn’t).

      THOSE are the kinds of people my FWF hangs out with. Whores. Drug-addicts (drug-addict son of whore). Kidnappers. Liars. Cheaters. Thieves. More whores.

      It is disgusting.

    • This is exactly what my MIL told everyone who would listen when my husband’s affair came out…
      “There are two sides to every story”
      …implying that a) I was somehow responsible for his infidelity or b) it was justifiable in some way because the circumstances in the “other side of the story” would push him to have an affair?!!!!

      ….you won’t be surprised that she was also a cheater and destroyed my husband’s happy home when he was the same age as our eldest…history repeats itself, it’s so sad

  • CL, these old nuggets are great reminders for oldies here and just as relevant to newbies. All I hear and see in this BS letter is I feel I want, etc. absolutely no ability to notice her family’s devastation. Just another common POS narcissist.

    • “All I hear and see in this BS letter is I feel I want, etc. absolutely no ability to notice her family’s devastation. ”

      The sad truth about my ex-wife is she *did* notice the devastation – but she didn’t let it affect her behaviour as she claimed it would be “emotional blackmail”.

      • Yep my ex knew he was stomping all over me, didn’t matter. Did it for half my marriage. Hid it until the last 1.5 years.

  • My ex regularly used to beat the crap out of me – and then when he’d finished he would swear “that’s not who he is”. Coudda fooled me!

  • Yeah, my fw is “not himself” either. He is a “man of integrity and values”, a man whose profession is to fight evil in the world.

    He is quite jolly under her covers and being a drunk stealing time from his young kids. Then he comes moping around with guilt and the anxiety of keeping up with his double, perhaps triple life, I am not allowed to ask questions.

  • Doubt the OM really suffered from depression. It was his way of weasling out of the affair. Cheater got dumped and her husband and kids were second runners up till someone else comes along.

  • Ah, a glimpse inside a cheater’s mind, with some extrapolation to include all cheaters:

    I, I, I, I

    My needs
    My happiness

    Lies and fucking around aren’t me, per se, just serve me and sometimes protect YOU. Don’t you appreciate that?

    Me, me, me, me, me

    I have sacrificed because I didn’t fuck EVERYONE I wanted to fuck. Give me credit for my restraint. You don’t know half the story.

    Sometimes I could have been with the AP but chose to stay home with the fam. Jesus points!

    I’m a martyr.

    I’m a victim.

    I deserve TO BE HAPPY! With you, I wasn’t always happy. I made SUCH sacrifices.

    Matthew 7:16 reads, “Ye shall know them by their fruits.” Wait. What? What fruits? I don’t know what this means. I just bought perfectly ripe bananas.

    • Great takedown, Spinach! ????

      “Give me credit for my restraint. You don’t know half the story.”

      Ha ha ha, yes. Even the bananas are rolling their (figurative) eyes….????????

      • Spinach,

        2 Good points. First, there are a lot of professional men cheaters (doctors and lawyers especially) and I think it’s partly the entitlement that grows with their credentials and maybe it also attracts those types. But since I’m a lawyer, I prefer thinking the former.

        Second point you made that I wish to echo is about this cheater woman’s letter.

        I didn’t read a single line from this “Un cored” cheater woman about the pain SHE CAUSED…not a word.

        It’s literally ALL about what SHE felt and what SHE was “sacrificing”. Pfft.

        If her chumpsband has regained his self respect he can tell her “no thanks, I’m no one’s plan B or consolation prize” and let her “run frree” to find herself some more with another new dick.

        He and HIS kids deserve so much more than she can possibly give.

        #emptytankmomssuck

        • Fellow chumped lawyer here, chumped by a much less successful lawyer. With hindsight, the men FW admired were lawyers who had affairs. They were his idols. He wanted to be them. The cliche was so attractive to him. This is a man who boasted that he was individual, didn’t like or respect anything that other people liked and respected, never ran with the crowd. And he did just that. Pathetic little man.

          • “With hindsight, the men FW admired were lawyers who had affairs. They were his idols. He wanted to be them. The cliche was so attractive to him.”

            My FW father (FWF) is like that. There was a partner at his firm who was the ladies’ man player while he worked there. This partner hooked up with my FWF’s executive assistant, which was a blow to my FWF’s ego, because she was one he was trying to get into bed and he missed the mark and couldn’t get her. He asked the Ladies’ Man Partner (LMP) how to do it and I think that’s where he got his tips and tricks for cheating on my mother and seducing any woman he could. Talk about pathetic. He totally looked up to this guy and just the other day called him for post-divorce advice.

            I have to give it to the LMP – he said “do not date yet” and also “do not date women who don’t have their own money.” Good advice because my father has been hanging out with bar-rat-whores and paying them via “gifts” of cash or just random shit that he buys online for them.

  • One more thing now that I am all riled up and on a roll,, This poor chumpsband thinks he has won.

    He is probably patting himself on the back thinking he is the victor and she has made the conscious choice of choosing him over the buff and rippling Sven From Yoga or the well to do Steve From Accounting.

    Men tend to look at things logically and he will likely think that she made up some kind of data chart or Venn diagram and he came out the better deal with a longer list of pros than either Sven or Steve.

    He may think he is the cock of the walk at the moment.

    But the ultimate chump is the one that thinks he/she is the champ.

    But she’s simply playing the martyr and making appearances while she’s licking her wounds and preparing for her next venture into finding the upgrade.

    She’ll go to therapy, but it’s to learn how to appear more squared away and put together.

    She’ll renew the gym membership or get a personal trainer under the guise of turning over a new leaf and bettering herself, but really it’s to loose those few extra pounds that she thinks is the real reason Sven From Yoga only pumped and dumped her.

    And all of this is probably at the chumpsband’s expense and he is probably the one writing out the checks thinking that he is getting a new lease in a happier and healthier version of his WW and he will be one of the ones saying that her affair was one of the things that saved their marriage and made their marriage stronger.

    He’s a chump in a champ’s clothes – – at the moment. Not for long though.

  • The marvel in her tone, though. So odd. Almost like there is a lump of coal where her heart would have gone, if she had one. She’s so all up into her own ass. Just spectacular!

  • Disco Thursday — great opportunity to re-run a song parody

    (music by The Andrea True Connection, lyrics by Ben’s Fuckwit)

    Oooh, how do you like my bull? . . .
    Oooh, how do you like my bull? . . .

    But if you want to know
    How I really roll
    Keep the hustle going
    Keep the bullshit flowing
    Baby you know that wasn’t really me
    Listen to my drivel
    Not the UBT

    Core, core, core
    Wasn’t the real me, not the ideal me
    Core, core, core
    Now you can trust me, once we’ve discussed me
    Core, core, core
    I’m a quick learner — hey, where’s my burner phoooooooone? . . .

  • Every single time I read your column, it’s like a shot in the arm that forces me to see the hell that was my marriage, —and not to mourn it but to instead be damn grateful I got out. It reminds me in capital letters that to have rid him from my life is the absolute best thing I have ever done for both me and my kids.

    There aren’t words enough to say thank you.

  • Heh, about 18 months after the judge signed the decree and just after CheaterX’s marriage to Schmoopie was falling apart because it turned out that she was cheating on him while he was cheating on me, he sent me a very long, rambling voice memo–not voice mail–to my work address. I didn’t respond but saved it and listened to it over several sessions because it was about 20 minutes long and my brain can’t process bullshit that long without rebelling.

    Anyway, the upshot is that he, too, wasn’t the real “him.” No, he decided that he had Dissociative Identity Disorder, what used to be called multiple personality syndrome.Of course, he had to figure this out on his own. The therapist he contacted while all this was going on was more interested in diagnosing him as a possible Borderline, but he didn’t agree–a move that is typically Borderline.

    I laughed. He might have said it wasn’t the real him, but gosh, it looked and sounded and behaved like the real him!

    I have never regretted divorcing him.

  • Let me have a stab at it:

    “Suddenly I was setting up Skype/What’sApp accounts and using a burner phone and lying to my family about my whereabouts. ”

    You know if I found myself suddenly, uncontrollably setting up accounts I had no recollection of wanting to set up and lying to my family members about my whereabouts I would see a specialist about that.

    “As much as I found myself, I also lost myself.”

    Forget your chumpy pain. Pity poor ME. I lost myself after all.

    ” Now I’ve chosen my family — I can’t hurt my husband and kids for my own happiness.”

    I did hurt my husband and kids for my own happiness. And I will do it again in a heartbeat.

    “This is my choice”

    The OM dumped me, so back to Plan B.

    “No more secrets in my marriage.”

    Tons more secrets in my marriage.

    “I have chosen my kids and the family life”

    For now.

    “OM suffers from depression. You should have heard me with my therapist — if he commits suicide I would have to go mourn him”

    I know it’s twu luv and all that but HOW DARE OM expect me to mourn him and shit if he commits suicide? Funerals are just so unglamorous. Doesn’t he realize that mourning the affair partner is best reserved when I’m on Esther Perel’s fainting couch trying to hoover my chumpy husband back in?

    Since this is a rerun here’s hoping this chump got away and never looked back!

  • >