It’s me, again. Doubly Chumped. I wrote to you back in January about being duped by two FWs in my life — my husband and one of my bridesmaids. Well, I’m back in apartment fighting back tears and extremely bitter that this whole non-linear grieving thing is real. I went no contact and have stayed no contact with my now ex-husband (our divorce was finalized two weeks ago) and his toxic family. I tried to tell friends that know me and him to keep information about his life to themselves. I knew it would derail me and set me back in my healing.
Fast forward to yesterday, the homewrecking bridesmaid/ex-friend posted on her Facebook that she and my ex-husband are expecting a baby girl due September 1st. I don’t have a Facebook anymore, but one of our mutual friends who I don’t talk to much sent me the picture of the post. My heart has been camped out in my stomach ever since seeing that post. Everyone knows now… and is asking questions about where is his wife? I thought he was married? I thought she was married?
Let me give you a few extra details about this situation. One, my ex and I were planning on trying to start a family together this year. Well, he started one. I feel like she took what was supposed to be my life. Two, this woman who is also married… is STILL married! For some strange reason, no divorce paperwork has been filed yet. Also, she already has another kid with her current husband who has yet to turn two-years old. And on top of all this, they have a freaking public baby registry. That is so sickening to me. Why would you be asking people to give you gifts after what you both did?
I feel extremely bad for this unborn child because she has a neglectful sociopathic mother and my ex is the laziest person I have ever met. He was flagged in the military for never passing his PT (physical test) so he can never re-enlist now. He would come home and complain about being tired from work and use that as a reason he could never do basic household chores. He has a history of dumping his problems on other people and NEVER taking responsibility for his actions. I cannot see him changing a diaper or putting a kid to bed. He literally is allergic to hard work.
Even as I write this, I know intellectually that I dodged a bullet. I know I should be celebrating the fact that he is not my problem anymore. But I’m embarrassed that I married him. I’m hurt by the fact that he has this new life with this horrible woman. And created this story that he has always loved her. (They’ve known each other for 6 years from the military.) And in some way, I feel that he has had an obsession with her and I was a distraction or a placeholder for when she decided she had a use for him. But I also don’t believe that either considering… if it was always her, why did he cheat on his ex-fiancé and every other relationship he’s had with SEVERAL other women that are not this homewrecker?
I feel as though I’m living in a perpetual nightmare. A love that was so real for me, but not for him. A relationship where I thought I could be myself, yet he was pretending to be someone he is not. I had been feeling like I was reclaiming my life and moving on until this avalanche of news. My wonderful friends are telling me “He’s trash. And he’s with trash. Let them be trash together.” I can’t help but hope he is miserable and she’s making his life hell like she did with her husband. How can I get back on track when it feels like the last few months have destroyed almost everything I believed in?
Still Struggling with being Doubly Chumped
Dear Doubly Chumped,
Regroup. Get back on track. No contact. Considering cutting that Facebook-forwarding “friend” out of your life. (Or perpetually bombarding her with Live, Laugh, Love memes for all her days.)
Of course he’s trash. And of course that’s no comfort to you this moment. You’re grieving the life you thought you were going to have — married and pregnant. You know the fuckwit is not a loss. You divorced him. But the dream, the future you banked on, that IS a loss.
This is just one window in time. It’s not FOREVER. Just because this dream died with HIM, doesn’t mean you can’t have it. It just means you can’t have it RIGHT NOW.
You invested deeply in that old dream and losing it hurts like a motherfucker. It’s one thing to suffer a loss, it’s quite another to have loss inflicted on you by fuckwits. Your ex publicly invested in you, while undermining you. He built that dream up, let you believe you had security and a family, all the while he was betraying you with the OW “friend.” This trauma takes some time to bounce back from.
Speaking of windows in time, your situation will change. You’ll survive this. Incrementally, painfully, you will build a new life and go after your dreams. The fuckwits? At any point that you look at their lives, they will be HORRIBLE people. They will have drama and dysfunction. All the social media spackle and shiny new baby products cannot change their intrinsic shittiness.
Why are they coupled and not you?
Because anyone can be coupled RIGHT THIS SECOND if you abandon all your standards. Clearly your ex has none when it comes to baby mamas. The OW is married! (Has her husband seen the baby registry?)
I’m hurt by the fact that he has this new life with this horrible woman. And created this story that he has always loved her.
Who cares what idiots think? Crafting stories and knitting lies into tea cozies is what they do. She’s the Marquess of Urinecake. He’s the Prince of Dingleberry and theirs is a love that shall unite kingdoms. Netflix is making a special…
DC, their fictions do not matter if you TUNE THEM OUT.
And for your sanity, you really must. Remember, whenever you check into this crappy melodrama, it’s going to be crappy melodrama. Please protect your sanity.
I can’t help but hope he is miserable and she’s making his life hell like she did with her husband.
The sad thing is, they’re going to make their children’s lives hell. And you don’t control that. Say a prayer for them. I really don’t care what misery they inflict on each other, but innocent kids and that hapless chump husband? Those people don’t deserve to suffer.
I can’t promise you karma for fuckwits. (Remember, the karmic scheduler is perverse, but damn, he was having a good day yesterday with Derek Chauvin! Thank god for Justice’s intermittent rewards.) The best thing you can do for your sanity is leave the tangled skein. Will your ex be a terrible father? (Probably) Will Schmoopie get the silver plated sippy cup? (Who knows?) And live your life.
Never, ever apologize for wanting the dream. Your desires, for a family, to be loved, to have a place, are NORMAL. So is your grief.
Be proud of how well you’ve navigated this shit show. You’re already divorced, since January. During a pandemic. You’ve got mightiness to spare. I predict a brighter future. (((Hugs))