It’s me, again. Doubly Chumped. I wrote to you back in January about being duped by two FWs in my life — my husband and one of my bridesmaids. Well, I’m back in apartment fighting back tears and extremely bitter that this whole non-linear grieving thing is real. I went no contact and have stayed no contact with my now ex-husband (our divorce was finalized two weeks ago) and his toxic family. I tried to tell friends that know me and him to keep information about his life to themselves. I knew it would derail me and set me back in my healing.
Fast forward to yesterday, the homewrecking bridesmaid/ex-friend posted on her Facebook that she and my ex-husband are expecting a baby girl due September 1st. I don’t have a Facebook anymore, but one of our mutual friends who I don’t talk to much sent me the picture of the post. My heart has been camped out in my stomach ever since seeing that post. Everyone knows now… and is asking questions about where is his wife? I thought he was married? I thought she was married?
Let me give you a few extra details about this situation. One, my ex and I were planning on trying to start a family together this year. Well, he started one. I feel like she took what was supposed to be my life. Two, this woman who is also married… is STILL married! For some strange reason, no divorce paperwork has been filed yet. Also, she already has another kid with her current husband who has yet to turn two-years old. And on top of all this, they have a freaking public baby registry. That is so sickening to me. Why would you be asking people to give you gifts after what you both did?
I feel extremely bad for this unborn child because she has a neglectful sociopathic mother and my ex is the laziest person I have ever met. He was flagged in the military for never passing his PT (physical test) so he can never re-enlist now. He would come home and complain about being tired from work and use that as a reason he could never do basic household chores. He has a history of dumping his problems on other people and NEVER taking responsibility for his actions. I cannot see him changing a diaper or putting a kid to bed. He literally is allergic to hard work.
Even as I write this, I know intellectually that I dodged a bullet. I know I should be celebrating the fact that he is not my problem anymore. But I’m embarrassed that I married him. I’m hurt by the fact that he has this new life with this horrible woman. And created this story that he has always loved her. (They’ve known each other for 6 years from the military.) And in some way, I feel that he has had an obsession with her and I was a distraction or a placeholder for when she decided she had a use for him. But I also don’t believe that either considering… if it was always her, why did he cheat on his ex-fiancé and every other relationship he’s had with SEVERAL other women that are not this homewrecker?
I feel as though I’m living in a perpetual nightmare. A love that was so real for me, but not for him. A relationship where I thought I could be myself, yet he was pretending to be someone he is not. I had been feeling like I was reclaiming my life and moving on until this avalanche of news. My wonderful friends are telling me “He’s trash. And he’s with trash. Let them be trash together.” I can’t help but hope he is miserable and she’s making his life hell like she did with her husband. How can I get back on track when it feels like the last few months have destroyed almost everything I believed in?
Still Struggling with being Doubly Chumped
Dear Doubly Chumped,
Regroup. Get back on track. No contact. Considering cutting that Facebook-forwarding “friend” out of your life. (Or perpetually bombarding her with Live, Laugh, Love memes for all her days.)
Of course he’s trash. And of course that’s no comfort to you this moment. You’re grieving the life you thought you were going to have — married and pregnant. You know the fuckwit is not a loss. You divorced him. But the dream, the future you banked on, that IS a loss.
This is just one window in time. It’s not FOREVER. Just because this dream died with HIM, doesn’t mean you can’t have it. It just means you can’t have it RIGHT NOW.
You invested deeply in that old dream and losing it hurts like a motherfucker. It’s one thing to suffer a loss, it’s quite another to have loss inflicted on you by fuckwits. Your ex publicly invested in you, while undermining you. He built that dream up, let you believe you had security and a family, all the while he was betraying you with the OW “friend.” This trauma takes some time to bounce back from.
Speaking of windows in time, your situation will change. You’ll survive this. Incrementally, painfully, you will build a new life and go after your dreams. The fuckwits? At any point that you look at their lives, they will be HORRIBLE people. They will have drama and dysfunction. All the social media spackle and shiny new baby products cannot change their intrinsic shittiness.
Why are they coupled and not you?
Because anyone can be coupled RIGHT THIS SECOND if you abandon all your standards. Clearly your ex has none when it comes to baby mamas. The OW is married! (Has her husband seen the baby registry?)
I’m hurt by the fact that he has this new life with this horrible woman. And created this story that he has always loved her.
Who cares what idiots think? Crafting stories and knitting lies into tea cozies is what they do. She’s the Marquess of Urinecake. He’s the Prince of Dingleberry and theirs is a love that shall unite kingdoms. Netflix is making a special…
DC, their fictions do not matter if you TUNE THEM OUT.
And for your sanity, you really must. Remember, whenever you check into this crappy melodrama, it’s going to be crappy melodrama. Please protect your sanity.
I can’t help but hope he is miserable and she’s making his life hell like she did with her husband.
The sad thing is, they’re going to make their children’s lives hell. And you don’t control that. Say a prayer for them. I really don’t care what misery they inflict on each other, but innocent kids and that hapless chump husband? Those people don’t deserve to suffer.
I can’t promise you karma for fuckwits. (Remember, the karmic scheduler is perverse, but damn, he was having a good day yesterday with Derek Chauvin! Thank god for Justice’s intermittent rewards.) The best thing you can do for your sanity is leave the tangled skein. Will your ex be a terrible father? (Probably) Will Schmoopie get the silver plated sippy cup? (Who knows?) And live your life.
Never, ever apologize for wanting the dream. Your desires, for a family, to be loved, to have a place, are NORMAL. So is your grief.
Be proud of how well you’ve navigated this shit show. You’re already divorced, since January. During a pandemic. You’ve got mightiness to spare. I predict a brighter future. (((Hugs))
That is the worst.
There were suspicions that my es and her youngest son was his. I never saw him up close, he was ten when the fw left. But, my grown son questioned him about it. He swore not; but who knows.
If I had ever seen him up close, I think I would have known. I only saw him from the side far across the church.
He died in a motor cycle accident at age twenty, so who knows.
My son said if she (OW) told him now that he was his dad’s son, he wouldn’t believe her but think she is trying to elicit sympathy from him to get money. The time to confess is long past.
If he is her son that means he would have had to be messing with her for at least ten years of our marriage, which is possible.
All those possibilities bc he was a fw can eat us alive. Once there is the realization that the pit is bottomless, our minds can certainly fill in blanks.
Grieving the loss of the future that you thought you had is completely understandable; this will pass with time.
Similarly your desire to have children is entirely natural. But please believe me that there will come a point in time when you are thankful that you didn’t have children with your f*ckwit Ex-husband. Co-parenting with an assh*le (and he sounds like a fully paid up ocean going assh*le) really, truly and deeply sucks. This is an 18 year long bullet that you’ve dodged.
If and when you have kids, have them with someone who is worthy of you and worthy of them.
THIS! Well said, LFTT.
I am so grateful that I didn’t have a child with my ex because I am able to remain fully no contact. I have no ties to him anymore and no reason to ever speak with him again. I cannot imagine how difficult things are for the parents on this page. Hugs to each and every one of you!
We struggled with unexplained infertility and miscarriages for over 6 years. My ex even used my depression after the last miscarriage, when I was grieving not only that child but my dream of being a mom, as an excuse (one of them!) for his cheating. I wasn’t fun anymore, I was depressed all the time, blah blah. Yeah, most people are sad when they suffer that type of loss.
It was especially difficult this year because him & his OW had a baby. I struggled with that news for quite a while, but then I realized something… karma did her thing. He just turned 50 and he has a newborn. And a crazy, 26 yo baby mama that is most likely making his life a living hell. His selfish, self-centered ways are not going to serve him well with a child in the house and the OW is going to learn exactly what type of person she “won” herself. Another reason he cheated on me? I wasn’t paying enough attention to him. Hmm, how much attention are you getting now?
I’m sorry for your miscarriages.
I too suffered 2 miscarriages and the ex left one month after the last one. It was brutal for me.
I was also undergoing fertility treatments at the time he was planning his big exit. I found that cruel. So cruel.
“I was also undergoing fertility treatments at the time he was planning his big exit. I found that cruel. So cruel.”
Totally understand. I have been through 2 rounds of IVF unsuccessfully, and we decided to just try naturally. I didn’t know that during the months we were having sex to try to get pregnant he was also balls deep into someone else. I find that totally cruel and utterly despicable! Now I wonder if his OW knows this that when she was screwing him, he was also coming home to me to have sex. She knew he was married as she met me. I cannot fathom how evil a person must be to do what she and he did to me.
Same happened to me. I went through all the testing and ultimately had an IVF cycle. He was with an OW through all of it. I didn’t catch on until D-day when I was 7 months pregnant. I am very grateful for my child but aware I gave poor kid a FW for a father. Had I run at the first D-day, I might have had a child with someone else. Or maybe wouldn’t have found someone else at all and would be childless. I can’t change what has been done and mistakes I made. I only hope there is a special place in hell for FWs who cheat on their spouses during IF treatments.
I’m so sorry for your miscarriages and infertility struggles, Morrychump.
The level of cruelty required to cheat and abandon someone during a time like that is unimaginable. I hope you are doing well now and finding your mighty!
It’s not so much cruelty as unthinking selfishness. To mangle Dr. Simon, “It’s not that they don’t see, it’s that they don’t give a hoot.” But yes, the more disordered do enjoy the resulting pain of their “loved ones.”
I’m so sorry for your loss, big hug coming your way.
The ways of hurting chumps are endless.. how do I know?
How about signing for a dating site a couple of days after my first pregnancy/ miscarriage?
How about fucking hookers while I’m pregnant with our firstborn while still having sex with me?
How about dating and dining/wining women, fucking hookers during my 2nd, 3 rd pregnancy and post partum?
With my 3 rd one – when the mask was slipping off – I was worried that the constant stress and anxiety will really affect my baby.
When I think about this “ magical time” – I remember an awful situations, crying in the car on the way to grocery shop, feeling stupid, crazy, worthless, fat and ugly.
Magical time it was ( not)
I would love to go back in time and say to my old self all the stuff I know now- I was mighty and brave. Being a full time mom to two toddlers with a third child on the way, while getting my second degree, and trying to figure out wtf is happening in my life- I just want to cry thinking about it.
Not having a baby with a few feels like a tragedy but having it- is not a picnic.
On the positive note / my kids were a product of my love and care- that will never change.
I’m so sorry Isa.
How horrible to have your pregnancies tainted with these kind of memories.
Your children are lucky to have you.
I am so sorry for what you went through. Thank you for sharing. I know my ex always likes to be the center of attention and throws tantrums when he didn’t. Or he would give the silent treatment. His mama dearest always told me to never yell at him because he doesn’t communicate when anyone does that. I thought that was a strange thing to say about an adult man. But I never did yell until D-Day. Funnily enough, this OW is notorious for her entitlement, rudeness, and the ability to yell and scream at her husband. I’ve seen it first hand. Guess that’s what he’s in for.
I’m not sure Doubly Chumped is ready to see how lucky she is not to have bred with a fuckwit!
One of the way we learn about life is to walk that path. Her ex stole that dream for her! And he sucks for inflicting that pain!
Instead of repeating how lucky she is not to have kids with her ex (which is TOTALLY true), I hope she can focus on a plan to move forward to having a life she dreams of!
Block their social media. I know…I know what a hard thing that is! Read CL’s posts about pain shopping.
Spend your time reading blogs and posts of others who have found their paths to motherhood.
Perhaps single-parenthood isn’t for you. Or adoption. But there are so many ways to bring children into your life. Court advocates, Big Sister programs, mentorships for teens.
And if none of that appeals, this reading will still serve a few significant purposes. It will distract you from the ex’s life. It will show you how mightly other women can be. It may give you some positive insight into what YOU want for YOUR future.
Fight for taking back your very real and legitimate dream. Don’t let anyone take that from you. Especially someone who totally sucks!
You’re right. I am not ready for the I’m lucky part. I know in my head I am. The toxicity of my ex, my ex in-laws, the few friends that still communicate with him. It makes my head spin. I know that he won’t change and I know that behind closed doors it isn’t perfect. I am still in shock at how twisted, evil, and disgusting all of it is. I can never understand how people can behave like this and treat people like this.
I’m still reeling from my ex FW and his new wife. My ex left when I was pregnant with our 2nd child for the OW. He created so much drama while I was pregnant. He threatened to contact Social Services on my whole family and wouldn’t organise a schedule to see our son. He introduced our son 6 weeks after they met and I was pregnant and on my son’s 6th birthday. It all makes me so sick to the stomach now.
Fast forward to now… they are married and have just had a baby together. It’s a true punch in the gut to my daughter and I. Not sure I will get over that one and it’s 5 years later. But, life has got better. I’m sorry I ever got tangled up with my ex.
I would have loved to have given my kids a decent father (I don’t regret my kids at all). You can wipe the slate clean and meet someone who is going to be a decent father to your children. The man you were with, was never going to be a good father to your children.
Dear Doubly Chumped,
I’m sad for you that you heard this news.
I’ve weathered through some stuff, and one thing that’s helped me, over time, is to consider, “what exactly have I lost?” And I write it down. Sometimes I make notes beside the items as to why I wanted that thing SO much. And I ask myself, “is the thing that I wanted (or person, or relationship, or whatever,) something I can experience in a different way?” And I write that down, too. And I ask, “who can provide that thing for me?” Is it something that God could provide? Or that I could provide for myself, or that a new husband could provide, or that a boyfriend could provide, or a friend, or a family member? Or is it something that was specific ONLY TO MY EX?
I remember doing this exercise over and over, and – when it came down to it – one of the only things I had really lost was the way my ex used to raise one eyebrow. I loved it when he did that, it was so funny! and I realized, through this exercise that no one else would probably ever do that in a way that I loved so much! And there were some other things he did, too… he was incredibly funny… but the major things, like becoming one with another person, having intimacy, having someone “get” me, and all those good things… I did finally admit… could be experienced with someone else.
And in the years since, I’ve felt a similar excitement for guys (they weren’t the right guys for me, and I spent too much time with them…) but I tell myself now that yes, I could feel loved by – and extremely loving towards – another man. And next time… let it please be someone so special that we’ll go the distance…
Instead of writing down what I lost I wrote down all the times Nitwit had hurt me and what I could do now that I was free of him. Those 2 lists were really eye-opening. I still revisit them whenever I feel nostalgic about Nitwit.
Totally get where you are, and it’s 100% valid. You’re in the bitch stole my dream phase. Once you grieve this you’ll slowly shift to thank God, she can have it!
If it’s any help, he’s likely cheating on her or soon will be. This brand of man doesn’t cope well with the mom having to devote her attention to the baby and not him (at least behind closed doors).
I know exactly how you are feeling. My wife now appears so happy and in love to her 1000+ Facebook friends. Its all disgusting. I have limited my life to a hand full of people that know the truth and have no place for someone like that in their life. I have started telling people since I don’t have social media that I don’t care what she is doing, no need to tell me. Its a never ending nightmare.
My marriage ended due to ex’s cheating and emotional abuse. I have found a wonderful new partner. Out of consideration to my children I do not post Facebook pictures of me and my partner. (I have maybe twice in 4 years.)
A-holes don’t understand this line of thinking, because they are a-holes.
Your post reminded me of something…my ex was one who also collected Facebook “friends” like they were trophies to exhibit. My ex also told me that if his “true” friends didn’t remain with him, because of what he did to me, then they weren’t ever his true friends – he would find others. He saw his “true” friends about twice per year and only because he was a partial season-ticket holder to Red Sox games. Most of his friends were really work colleagues at other offices across the nation for the business at which he worked. Again, he’d see them maybe twice per year. He’d hang out with them at conferences and drink with them. Act like a college-boy idiot at 50 years old. At the end of the night, did those friends invite him to their homes to stay? No. They left him at his hotel. I contend that they are acquaintances, not friends. But, my ex considered himself George Bailey. In retrospect, my ex never made an intimate connection with me or anyone else, for that matter. But, he thinks he’s rich with “friends”. Let’s see how many turn up to his funeral when the time comes, or to bail him out of a bind. I know I certainly won’t. And, I doubt Danny in Houston will either.
Block the “friend” who stirred the pot by sending you the FB post. . Anyone who “thinks you ought to know” is a drama vampire and needs to be blocked by every means possible. They’re also the type who thinks that not being blocked means you want more information from them. Once again, someone has shown you who they are. Believe it.
This – block – good friends give them a chance but an acquaintance gets blocked and ignored.
I agree! That person that told you about the OW baby is no “friend” I would want to have!
There is no such thing as a “mutual friend who I don’t talk to much.” No. Such. Thing. Fixing your picker can start with how you categorize the people in your life.
A friend wouldn’t send you the picture of the OW’s post. People who do things like this don’t have “friends.” They have people they like to manipulate and hurt. I mean, just think about this. If you loved someone, would you forward a picture of something devastating to that person? And sit back and smile to yourself and say “well done”? This is the action of a person who is malicious and unkind. A friend would probably not still be taking in the sludge that comes from Cheater social media. And certainly, a friend would think carefully about how to support you, knowing this bombshell was headed your way.
Your job now is to be smarter about who has access to you. No need to call this woman and end the contact or never speak to her again. But stop thinking of people as friends when they are in face acquaintances who are perfectly happy to be part of the Cheater reality show. What is a “mutual friend” anyway? Your true best friends are no doubt appalled and disgusted by the Cheaters and want nothing to do with them. This person? Not to much.
if you are the luckiest person in the world, you may have 3-5 really good trustworthy friends. And even in my own small “trusted friend” circle, there is only 1 friend I would to talk about Jackass types. Anyone outside that circle is at best a friendly acquaintance. Anyone outside that circle in contact with someone who cheated on me? and would send me painful information like this? Dead to me.
You’ve got some cognitive dissonance going here. You know he didn’t just cheat on you. You know you “dodged a bullet.” But you are still at the stage where the pain of the discard shows up as thinking the OW won something by getting pregnant to your sleazy X while still married to her actual husband. What do you think decent people will think about how these two have lied and cheated?
You might know why CheaterX was willing to leave the marriage, though, even though when you first found out about the affair you had been married 7 months. That’s still the honeymoon period. The AP must have been pregnant in December, right? Or maybe even earlier because they might be fudging the supposed due date. And who knows, really, whose sperm made that baby? She’s still married, after all. She lies to her husband; no reason she wouldn’t lie to everyone else.
You may be divorced already but it hasn’t even been a year, right, since you found out about these two bedbugs. No contact is very, very important at this stage so you can recover from what they did to you. That means not “trying” to tell people not to pass information to you. It’s telling them, in no uncertain terms, that you do not want to know what the bedbugs are doing. Period. And that if people don’t respect your wishes, you’ll have to stay away from them. Now block that gossip mongering troublemaker on social media and text. You don’t need an open sewer running into your injured heart and brain.
Please read what Lovedajackass wrote VERY carefully.
Take it to a mirror somewhere.
This is excellent advice about how to fix your perception of the word “friend”!
Thank you for this advice. I have struggled with boundaries for as long as I can remember. I’ve made some steps forward but still figuring the whole fix my picker thing. I’m not dating AT ALL. But with friends, it’s interesting to discover what I was hoping they would be for me but who they actually turned out to be. Super disappointing.
Also, I think I should clarify when I say she’s still married. Her husband did ask for a divorce back in August because she was cheating on him with an ex boyfriend of hers. I saw the texts she so boldly showed me of this poor sausage saying he loved her and blah blah. Well he lived in a different state and they would get together on weekends at hotel to screw. Anyway, they have yet to file any paperwork for the divorce. And my ex husband was her husbands “friend.” So while I got on my paperwork and got the f out…she still has her husband last name and is still legally married to him. I realize, again, not my problem. I’ve been telling myself that every morning to try to get back on track.
Doubly Chumped, you were cheated out of two and a half years by that loser and his current flavor of the month. That sucks.
Yes, everybody’s talking about how the newly-wed is having a baby with somebody else’s wife. If there was any doubt, they now know why you got divorced. And they’re all talking about how smart you were to get out of that mess…how you dodged a bullet by not having any kids with him.
I know that you wanted to be happily married with a baby on the way, but that was not to be. And there is nothing worse than UNhappily married with a baby on the way.
We here at Chump Nation are SO proud of you for cutting your losses and ending the marriage quickly. Most of us sucked on the hopium pipe for a long time before finally getting out of marriage with a cheater. The next step in your recovery is No Contact. It is the path to happiness. And keep up with the yoga.
Chin up you amazing Chump. Look at your strength… you divorced a lying, cheating fuckwit. You went no contact like a boss. You are building a NEW LIFE. Keep your focus on the future, not the past… you’re not going in that direction.
Some random thoughts:
– Kindly remind your friends that you don’t need updates on the fuckwits. Keep it simple, no explanation required.
– Don’t be embarrassed about your past decisions (marrying a fuckwit)… we are all here because we made the mistake and we are all BETTER for it because we’ve learned life skills; boundaries; gained a life.
– She/they didn’t “get your life”… they got a life filled with lies, adultery, a failure to be a decent human being and build a stable home environment for children, and I would expect a very rocky financial situation. Was that the life you were dreaming of building with your fuckwit? I doubt it. Don’t attribute your values and vision on to their life – it isn’t a fairytale and someday your fuckwit will be paying child support to this married dude-duping sociopath. Not your monkeys, not your circus.
– Keep coming here… daily… read… share… support… we gain so much as recovering Chumps when we share our journey. You’re not alone – your Tuesday is out here. You have a tribe that is rooting for you.
I’m sorry this is happening, but hopefully you can see with all these comments… you’re new, amazing, cheater free life is ahead of you and whatever future YOU want to create… get at it! Joy is waiting.
This. Even years out, reading ICSTMC’s post reaffirms that in the grand scheme of life decisions, each one of these bullet points naturally got checked, and things got better each time I realized it.
Dear Doubly Chumped
My heart breaks for you as I’ve been in your shoes (( hugs ))
I met my Ex when i was 26 ( got married 4 years later at 30 ) I asked him about children before we got married and he was adamant he NEVER wanted . I went ahead and married him anyway
I asked again after we got married around 34 i think i was and now it was ” Absolutely NOT ! We have a great life ( and i thought we did for a while too ) why would we ruin it ? ”
Then it was if i mentioned it again or got ” myself” pregnant he would leave me . So i just put it behind me and carried on .
He got AP ( now wife ) pregnant weeks if not before he left me . I thought id die of the pain
Why does he want a baby with her and not me – His wife !! ?
CN on Reddit saved my soul on this . I cried for months .
Then as i got over that she was pregnant again ! So 2 babies the thing he told me he never EVER wanted . Again CN saved me .
I am 2 years out now and i can say it is a bullet dodged ( You will see it that way too ) No children / no contact / no dramas .
I know its a kick in the teeth but you’ve got this (((( big hugs ))
And hopefully your ex-AH is now pushing a double pram around in the cold evenings because both babies are cranky!
Exactly the same happened to a close friend. He never ever wanted children, so she let her dream go. Then when she was 40, he informed her he wanted a divorce, as he had a girlfriend, she was pregnant, and he wanted “to be a family man”. Couple years later she met a man with a young son whose ex-wife’s parental rights were terminated. She helped raise him, and he is now dad to a son and she is grandma.
This^ is a loud, blaring horn of a reminder to NEVER NEVER NEVER give up your dreams for anyone.
If you can’t attain your dreams because the person you’re with doesn’t want to share in them, then the person you’re with is not the person you should be with.
“If you can’t attain your dreams because the person you’re with doesn’t want to share in them, then the person you’re with is not the person you should be with.”
Thank you for this sage advice.
Excellent advice ChumpQueen.
This: “This^ is a loud, blaring horn of a reminder to NEVER NEVER NEVER give up your dreams for anyone.”
He most likely didn’t want them with her either but she’s no chump, she’s a selfish AP, meaning she doesn’t care what he wants and went ahead and did it anyway. He puts up with it because what else can he do? Dumping her would be an admission that he was wrong to leave you for her. They have to save face at all costs and pretend life is all sunshine and roses, colicky babies, selfish, demanding schmoopies and all. Damn, is he getting what he deserves! The stupid bastard is driving his own karma bus. That’s what they all do when they leave you for an AP- they get a carbon copy of their narcissistic selves.
If you got yourself pregnant? Wow, I had no idea chumps’ superpowers extended to parthenogenesis! Of all the idiocies coming from cheaters’ mouths, this one takes the cake!
Count me as well as one who married someone that ended up not wanting children. He served me with divorce papers the day before my 43rd birthday (he left for OW, of course). He was engaged to her within a year of our 2.5 month divorce, married 6 months after that. They had a baby four years into their marriage. He and I were married for nearly 17 years. I just turned 50 last summer. He’s 49 with a toddler (OW is 40).
Many days I wondered, “Where’s my baby?” 🙁 But here’s the thing, I’m so grateful I was spared trying to co-parent with XH and OW. I just couldn’t imagine that after the Hell of divorce. The OW was ruthless and I have no reason to believe that she’d ever be benevolent or even merciful to any child that XH and I would have shared. XH was required to continually show is love for OW and I’m sure sacrificing a parent/child relationship would have been part of the scheme.
I feel sorry for their child. Like Tracy says, the child is innocent. Born to parents with poor relationship skills, that poor thing has little chance at a happy childhood. I hope that OW and XH can grow-up and make it work now for the kid, but they’re both selfish people, so I doubt that will happen.
While you were married to him, your head and your heart were totally estranged.
Now that you divorced him, your head and your heart get to get married.
That’s the number one most important marriage you will ever have, and no one can ever put that asunder without your cooperation ever again.
It takes TIME TIME TIME TIME TIME for your head and heart to synch up again.
I have to tell that to myself OUT LOUD. My brain (head) needs to literally speak out loud so my heart hears it. Deprogramming is a lengthy process! Progress, not perfection. I see you are making progress!
Write a letter you can read out loud to yourself. Chump Lady’s response is a good template. Your voice reading those words OUT LOUD has powerful healing medicine in it for your heart.
It is just over three years for me and I am 150% so glad to be divorcing him. I can’t even imagine who I thought he was anymore. In the beginning, for a long time it was the reverse. He was Such a Nice Guy! I can’t believe he did that! I didn’t appreciate him! I lost! She won! Now I see and feel that I was in an abusive relationship. He didn’t hit. He didn’t yell. That’s why I didn’t see it. That’s what she gets. He has cheated on her too, by the way. She’s just one of a zillion meaningless orifices to him. He doesn’t care about anybody. I don’t even think he cares about himself. If he did, he wouldn’t abuse other people.
This is a terrible war wound that may bother me periodically. That’s totally normal and I need to remember
FEELINGS AREN’T FOREVER
Feelings aren’t facts, either.
This man is not who you want him to be, for you or for anyone. This is his first child? She’s about to get a real life lesson on who he really is that you already know.
Real life having a baby does not turn out to be the romantic experience most of us imagine beforehand.
My heart breaks for the little folks caught up in all this bullshit, which actually has nothing to do with love and is nothing but very tangible proof of how screwed up the cheating accomplices are. They just dragged two innocent children into their contaminated cesspool.
You don’t have the dream….YET.
YET = You’re Eligible Too
Put that on a Post It note in a prominent location.
You’re not being rejected. You’re being REDIRECTED. You could not have the dream with him. She doesn’t get it either. She is having a baby with an emotionally immature traitor. (Prayers for baby, please).
When my daughter was a toddler, she was MAD MAD MAD when I took something away from her that was dangerous. It took time for her
to get over that and get absorbed by the Better Thing I gave her.
I really think this is the same.
We’d be on our way to the park. She would be in the car seat, having a fit, and could not hear me saying, “We are ON OUR WAY to the park!
We will be there SOON!”
I am the toddler in the back seat, having a fit, and not realizing I AM ON MY WAY TO THE PARK!
Yeah, yeah, when One Door Closes Another One Opens! I get it. It’s the dark scary HALLWAY between the closing door and the opening door that freaks me out. This is where Chumps who have reached Tuesday are helpful, to remind us we are on out way to the park!
I AM ON MY WAY TO THE PARK!
I’ll put this on a sticky note.
By the way, I’m so grateful for your posts, VH!!
A previous gem from you–Feelings follow actions–has a prime position in my journal.
I AM ON MY WAY TO THE PARK!
Love this! My Fuckwit’s Schmoopie just announced their marriage on facebook over the weekend. We’ve been divorced about 3 months after a forty year marriage. Last I knew, Schmoopie was still married but I suspected that as soon as Fuckwit got his money from his half of the house he would buy Schmoopie a divorce and a diamond. I hope she gets all of that settlement money before she wanders off to new kibbles and cake.
My two thoughts, after the initial blow of hearing the news…..1) He is so stupid! 2) Ah, shit – he’s making stupid decisions again and how should I brace myself to begin cleaning up this newest mess………followed by – AHA! I am COMPLETELY free of the shit storm he has just created! Wow!
It’s a Tuesday! Not the best one, most likely, but it sure felt like Tuesday! I am on my way to the park!
Analogies to 2 year olds are always helpful in my camp because my own 2 year old is alive and well in me and she doesn’t give a rip about what other people think about the tantrums she throws. I now know I can give her a safe place to express her rage without judgment. I do it on paper and then destroy the ‘evidence’.
Yes, ‘Hell in the hallway.’
A reminder to keep moving towards the light.
P.S. Haven’t heard from Tempest…yet)
Tempest referred me to Tracy….
who I totally understand is busier than a one legged Chump at a cheater kicking contest!
Hope to hear back soon!
Thanks for this.
Made me smile because I learned long ago that when I was too busy and needed help I was instructed to seek out the busiest person I knew and then get on their list because busy people tend to get things done.
Organized, methodical, reliable and dependable.
Sounds just like Tracy.
I can wait.
I am working on patience. Made the mistake of praying for ‘patience’. You know how that works….Watch what you pray for 🙂
“While you were married to him, your head and your heart were totally estranged.
Now that you divorced him, your head and your heart get to get married.
That’s the number one most important marriage you will ever have, and no one can ever put that asunder without your cooperation ever again.”
VH: I think I’m in love with you! ???? This is damn good breakfast food, and you are brilliant!
Oh, I don’t know about that. I am a mean ugly horrible evil witch named Velvet Hammer, according to Mr. Nice Guy……
You’ve been warned!!
Yes! To all of this. Being chumped for 38-45 years, I am now told to be thankful for my children from that marriage . I love my children but feel anyone could have been a sperm donor and I do not give him credit for that.
4 years post divorce, life has been better than ever. I continue to read chumplady to appreciate where I am and to make sense of the crazy time but I have found a new and better life. Life changes regardless of FWs and our history. We age and the world turns and our response to it all is all we have control over.
People should copy and keep this one to read every day.
I sure as hell should every day, out loud!!
My daughter was very sweet when she was two. I used to sit with her during the tantrum. She’d be crying and yelling, “No thank you! No thank you!” I’d tell her, “Ok! I’ll wait here and we can go when you’re done yelling.” I think I need an adult to do the same for me….
The evil people have no shame. You learn that eventually in life.
We can hold our head up, live in integrity, and they can go to hell where they belong.
Anything good in your marriage was YOU, not him.
“Anything good in your marriage was YOU, not him.”
It took me a long time to accept that, but it is true. Not that I was perfect, no one is; but in terms of the marriage and support of ones spouse, it was almost always a one way street coming from my direction.
Yes. We have to give ourselves credit for all the support, understanding, and forgiveness we gave them. And we gave more than they did much of the time.
When we part with them we take that goodness with us. And they often deteriorate into the goblin they always were underneath.
I do know that he took the most horrid parts of him into his marriage with schmoops, likely she did the same to him. The decisions he made in their life together bore that out.
I would like to be happy about it, and if it hadn’t negatively affected my son I would be.
Unfortunately, when folks are so horrid as to cause such tremendous pain to a loving spouse as these monsters do, they usually keep spreading the pain. I doubt they ever feel it like their victims do though, they just keep plowing through and hoping the next stupid thing they do or say makes them feel good, or proves they were right.
We all here know the pain & heartbreak of losing our dream that was so important to us. Discovering our husband/partner was cheating on us is a hard traumatic
reality. I was married 35 years & thought I was immune from betrayal but found out he was in a 2 year affair with a disgusting low life whore. She got him away from me but died 2 years later. He quickly moved into another woman’s house where he is today at 70 years old.
The point I’m trying to make is you sound young enough to start over with another & have your dream of marriage & child.
Your fortunate you haven’t given your life to someone who doesn’t deserve you. I wish I could’ve left him many years ago but I was blinded by my love for him.
Time will help you & read the posts here on CN to see how we all improved our lives by abandoning the cheating spouses.
Good luck to you ????
OW/OM = New Family of Origin issue sparring partner.
No relationship is problem free. My therapist always told me to look for a partner I could resolve problems with. I thought I had that because he went to therapy with me, but I think now was counting the carpet fibers.
Cheating is the hardest evidence in the known universe that a person lacks problem-solving and healthy relationship skills.
No one gets Problem Free. And partnering with someone cool with cheating is an idiot move.
There’s truth that the fittest among us survive. That means mentally, emotionally, psychologically as well.
Thank you for your kick in the pants, CL and CN. I woke up this morning trying to remind myself how great I was feeling/doing the day before this news became disgustingly public. I spent some time with friends last night. It is hypothesized that the due date is a lie and he actually got her pregnant back in November which is why he went “crazy” (he verbally abused me and continued to gaslight me daily) and chose her. I also believe that she planned to get pregnant. I know that it doesn’t matter either way. It’s untangling the bull. I’m contemplating moving to a different state soon as an opportunity to move with two of my best friends came up. I’m scared to move because I have so much here (job, friends, community). But I also feel this pull to get away from all that had connection to him and my past life.
I envy anyone’s ability to move.
I own a business (for now) with him and have a child with him, so I can’t.
Yes, move if possible. Even if just during the healing phase. And you’re right, it doesn’t matter either way. It’s all bullshit. THEIR bullshit. Spend a sum total of zero more seconds discussing it and instead discuss your great, new future plans. At some point, I ended up telling well-meaning friends who wanted to give me a chance to vent that, “hey gals, thanks for being here for me, but instead of spending one more second talking about that guy, I want to talk about my next moves.”
Doubly Chumped, you got a royal kick in the gut but as everyone is saying and you yourself know, you are blessed to be rid of him. Even if he hadn’t cheated the laziness and not being motivated would have gotten on your nerves. So Miss Married Bridesmaid Skank is now knocked up by a lazy good for nothing cheat. She’s a real piece of work and I tend to believe you when you state she is a sociopath. There is something very wrong with the both of these defects. Defects will be attracted to one another initially but it never ends well. This will not be the exception, it will end badly. Very soon you will feel nothing but repulsion when thinking of cheater and major relief you didn’t end up with him long term.
Damn! I hadn’t read the comments yet but I called it! I bet the whole discard was all about the big big mistake he made getting trapped by this lying bedbug AP. And I wouldn’t be so sure he’s the baby daddy either. These are seriously screwed up people.
Yeah this cheating couple is a major train wreck. One is a lazy good for nothing bum that likes to be the center of attention and the other one is chaos with a capital “C”. I mean being married, having an infant, going after a newlywed, engaging in an affair, leaving your husband and now pregnant! Talk about cray cray.
I moved to the middle of nowhere (well, actually to a beach town) for 4 years.
Didn’t know a soul there. You’re 2 friends ahead of me!
None of the new neighbors and new people I met knew I had been married. It was refreshing and healing to start from scratch.
If you can make a move with REAL friends, give it a try. You have nothing to lose and possibly a time of peace ahead.
You know there are people who will do anything for publicity. They have to be the center of attention or they’re not alive. I’m talking politicians, Hollywood types, influencers and so forth. You’ve seen that acting out enough to know those people are toxic as hell. That’s who the other woman is. The fact that she has roped in two idiots and gotten pregnant will give her attention for years.
Your pain is lost dreams. CL says you can have them again and this time with a healthy person.
I feel sorry for those babies. Who will care for them? She will be busy tap dancing for the camera. He will be snoring in the recliner and her husband will be walking into walls.
Yes. Just anecdotally, there does seem to be a correlation between the level of neediness one has on social media and the substandard quality of their relationship. When things are going good, it’s normal to want to share your joy. But there’s a difference between that and the selfie blitzkriegs that these needy, disordered people require.
Part of my process has been in trying to gain understanding into what makes us ‘tick’. An interesting path and I am not at the end by any means.
One of my ‘ahh-haa’ moments was a look at something that I have know for a long time yet recently I have been having new realization about it and that is that we ALL need attention.
It is a human necessity as studies of infants left in orphanages clearly shows. Took those places years to understand why the babies were failing to thrive. They had food and shelter. They had minimal attention. The infants died or stopped developing. Attention is that important.
If you take it to a brain study and see what chemicals are released in our brains when we get attention it is like a drug. Attention feels right, feels good. Lack of attention feels threatening, feels dangerous/bad.
As a ‘species’ we gravitate towards what feels good and avoid what feels bad as do all living creatures. Hard wired for survival.
So, there are those amongst us who are addicted to attention in any form. Lack of attention feels like withdrawal to them.
If you know anything about addiction to narcotics etc you also know that once an addict is hooked they aren’t so much chasing the high anymore but rather running like hell away from withdrawal symptoms. Nothing works for them anymore except MORE and that, sadly doesn’t even work. Enter ‘Empty Ghost’ syndrome.
They will do anything just for an attention ‘hit’ and social media provides that for them. We now know how very empty that is and yet how very addicting it is.
Seems like these character disordered people are prone to ‘attention addiction’. Empty, shells of people blowing up people’s lives just like a heavily drug/alcohol addicted person can do and they can not see that they have a problem – everyone else has a problem in their eyes…
A twisted life indeed.
Or so goes one of my theories today….just for today.
In any event, someone who spends most of their time on social media sites ‘probably’ isn’t a someone one would want to spend too much time with unless they are enamored with themselves in the same manner and it sounds like these two are a perfect match.
End of rambling….for now 🙂
You got triggered.
I know words and intellectual understanding don’t take the pain away but for me names give clarity and the clarity gives me something to deal with as best I can. As a friend recently said to me, “Give it a name.”
Just last night I got triggered. CL’s words, ‘He built that dream up, let you believe you had security and a family, all the while he was betraying you ‘with multiple other women’. (That part is mine because I now know he is a serial cheater).
I was letting myself think that maybe I did have a part in his behavior. That maybe I wasn’t a ‘good enough’ wife and that he was the one hurt by me somehow but kept his mouth shut because he really did want a family and that he did the best that he could but that I hurt him in untold ways and he put up with me until he just couldn’t stand it any longer.
Crazy, but I remember his face one day when I said I had made amends to him. (Part of 12 Step work.) He looked utterly shocked – as though I had never made an amend to him in his life. Pulled me up short and last night that memory arose and made me wonder if I had indeed done things that had hurt him terribly and I didn’t even know it.
Well, it was late so I couldn’t call a friend for a reality check so I had tell myself I never had a chance. Period.
He was cheating from the very beginning so the LIE was ALWAYS between us.
And that kills intimacy. I now know that now.
Hurts like hell and what hurts the most is the harm done to my children. Rooted deeply within the fabric of their entire lives. The ‘golden boy’ dad who turned out to be a liar, cheat and slut.
This stuff is crazy and I am so sorry you are having to go through it and now with the new twist. I am so glad you are here. This is the place where I feel validated, heard and it helps me make sense of all of this twisted stuff.
You have a chance to have a healthy relationship and thus a healthy family life. I know there are good men out there because I have friends married to them who have been married for decades. Solid foundations.
Protect yourself. Emotional pain is real and felt just like physical pain. In fact, our brains can’t tell the difference – or so science tells us this now.
Be kind to yourself. Come back here often.
“Hurts like hell and what hurts the most is the harm done to my children. Rooted deeply within the fabric of their entire lives. The ‘golden boy’ dad who turned out to be a liar, cheat and slut.”
I feel that. Deeply.
My FW father (FWF) turned out to be a liar, cheat, and slut. And sexual harasser. And someone whom I’m embarrassed to say is my father. It really does mess with kids.
DC, I am sorry you are going through this, that your dreams appear to have been dashed by a FW. I agree with others who say be happy you didn’t have kids with him which would keep you tied to him for 18 years. Be happy that you didn’t have kids with him because they would have suffered from his fuckery and poor character.
Look forward. Your dreams wait for you there.
“The ‘golden boy’ dad who turned out to be a liar, cheat and slut”
I’m glad to see the epithets “slut” and “whore” being used to describe men who fit that description as well as women. I never could sympathize with people of either sex who gave men a free pass for their abusive behavior.
I also really liked your theory about attention as a primal need that for some becomes an addiction.
You have done so well in moving forward. Great job! Be proud of what you have accomplished. Most Friends think they are being helpful when they share information about the FW. My friendships with people who know my FW have changed. I have built new friendships along with new healthy activities. I miss hanging with my old friends sometimes but it is also nice they don’t know my FW. They never ask or share info. Honestly if I were to do it over, I wouldn’t tell them about him or his betrayal but I did. I don’t talk about it much anymore because it can suck me back to that painful time that is better left behind. My best experience is to find new activities you love and new friends. Bring old true friends along if you want. This experience has made me look at all my relationships and my role in them. I want healthier relationships and to be around well adjusted adults. Amazingly they exist. Let these moments of grief remind you of what you want rather than what you lost. Hugs!
DC, it wasn’t about her. He’s a cheater by nature and he’ll cheat on her, too, if he hasn’t already. You know that because he’s cheated on every woman he’s been with. You’re looking for a way to affirm that they do have something special, thus it explains why he left you. Better it be because you are lacking her kind of sparkliness than because he’s just the Prince of Dingleberry (LOL, CL!), because then you don’t have to feel as shitty about investing in him.
This is a chump attitude I’ve seen a lot. It’s “The other woman must have something I don’t have if he left me for her.” Yeah, she does, but it’s nothing good. It’s just that he’s like septic tank water finding his own level. Also like septic tank water, the malodorous methane he emits can kill you if you get too close.
These two are circus clowns minus the talent, registering for baby gifts while she’s still married. Social morons. Morally insane.
Reaffirm that you dodged a bullet and, like CL says, think about cutting off the “friend” fowarded you this kind of crap. You told them not to, so the one who did does not have your interests at heart.
I totally understand why you resent the fact that you’re alone and they have each other, but remember that it’s like resenting shit for having e coli for company. One day you will have somebody. You’ll fix your picker and have somebody good. OTOH, Shit (your ex) and E coli (married schmoop) will have dysfunction, chaos, screaming fights, and probably involvement with child protective services by the sound of it.
This is the kind of situation that ends up on Dateline. I don’t think you can rub people’s noses in your fresh steaming shit and expect everyone to be cool with it. This sadistic, rancid OW and the dumbass FW are truly playing with fire, parading around like Happy Family and begging baby gifts while she is still married, seeming to dare anyone to judge them. Tragedy on tragedy, nothing to envy here. Good to be outside the blast zone.
I guarantee that if anyone in her 1000 FB “friends” dared suggest she could back off from her celebrations posts for a hot minute, say, until she is actually divorced, that person would be attacked for not supporting their True Love bullshit story. So much for changing the narrative.
Truly sick and evil. Pray for that baby.
I agree that these are situations that are criminal.
The ugly provocation.
The having a baby thing for a woman -if you are that type- is a good strategy for garnering resources. And her partner can be complicit. Part of the long-con.
I would like to offer my example.
When I was a child my father and mother were accosted by this couple from hell.
Because neither of my parents had boundaries due to their not knowing that they had been/were being abused by family (they both had gone the way of the narcissistic coping mechanism), said couple, providing marvellous supply came very close. Too close. As were also other people.
My sibling and I were made to watch the ongoing humiliation of my parents, not being able to do anything to save them. Parents who kept wanting to be humiliated. And offering us children up for humiliation.
It ended with the couple from hell completely subjugating my parents. My father cheated with the woman, her partner complicit. Child. The goal: getting the resources.
Needless to say, there was a transfer of wealth. People watched our downfall with glee. We were the ones knowing the least because my parents kept things from us.
For a long time I could not admit to myself that my subjugated parents in collusion with the couple from hell and other associated people were instigating our desperation, so that we became prostitutes. My sibling tried to commit suicide.
We did not have protecting families. Ours lines, generations of unprotected, devalued, and parentified children asked to do life (in my father’s case, to support his parents and siblings with no recognition) without love or support. Desperate for some appreciation from outside.
I was abandoned in my marriage.
Before I married, my father had died a decompensated narcissist/borderline, psychotic episodes, a sight that was undiluted pain to see. He had been sucked hollow by the couple from hell – and not only financially. One wished for the Lord to take him.
He had been humiliated beyond belief and had not realized all his life that that had been the case. He had been used to it since childhood.
DC, I’m struck by your words: “And created this story that he has always loved her.” A created story is called fiction (can you tell I’m a librarian?). Fiction is not real. His entire “new life” is a fiction. Your new life, on the other hand, is real. You know it is because you’re not trying to put sparkles on the turd the way he and his still-married OW are. You are living an authentic life where on any given day you take two steps forward and one step back or vice versa. No, it’s not perfect but it is real. It’s not a fabrication of “look how happy we are now” like your ex is presenting. I know it feels like they stole the life you wanted but they didn’t. They are trying to create an illusion of a happy life to try to hide what disgusting pseudo humans they really are. No real lasting happiness can be built on the foundation of other people’s pain.
You will get through this moment of pain. You are doing a great job going out and getting the life you deserve. Keep moving forward. Don’t look back on what you wanted in the past, keep looking at how mighty you are RIGHT NOW. I hope you will make that move out of state with your friends. It sounds like a great opportunity to move even closer to Meh.
Beth, I love librarians! I think they are super hero’s and their knowledge about finding information is miraculous! Librarians have been helpful to me my entire reading life. As a child, we would make weekly trips to the library, and my world expanded exponentially because of the treasures I found there.
I love fiction (from the library) because sometimes truths can be told when the names are changed to protect the guilty. I loath liars. Most FW’s I know try to invent fiction, but they are incapable of conceiving a good storyline. They try to steal other people’s dreams and stories, because their attention span is so short they cannot create, and they have no morality.
Some stories are told on social media in the hopes there are no fact checkers reading. They are built on shifting sand, and will collapse in due time.
I always enjoy your posts! You are thoughtful and kind. More super hero qualities!
Thank you Portia! I enjoy your posts too! Like you, I adore fiction – in books. Fictitious lives should only be found between the pages of a book or the occasional thoughtfully done movie adaption. 🙂 Also like you, I despise and abhor liars. When I think back on the many conversations my ex, the Edgar Suit and I had about the lies told by various infamous Cheaters-in-the-news and the horrific impact they had on families, only to find that Edgar Suit was lying about hating liars being one himself… Well, now the irony just makes me laugh but the initial realization was shattering. A real, authentic life will always have it’s share of pain but it’s all worth it in the end.
I abhor liars and cheaters too. Think there must be enough of us around here to start a club….
Anyway, like you, whenever there was a new wave of ‘famous’ cheaters hitting the news i.e. presidents, sports figures, celebrities, religious leaders in every religion known to humankind…you name it there they were as were my very vocal opinions about people who did ‘such things’ when they were is positions of power and trust….
I was always puzzled by his lack of response. If there was any response, he usually had his attention focused intensely on a computer, phone or iPad screen, it was to defend them. He would say something like,”They shouldn’t be judged by how they conducted their ‘personal lives’. It has nothing to do with how qualified they were or not”…..WTF.
He didn’t even bat an eye whilst uttering those words.
Needless to say, my opinions on such matters has not changed one iota…well, yes they have; my opinions are stronger than they were before.
Major change – he isn’t around anymore to justify his own shitty behavior or the shitty behavior of public figures.
That’s the perfect major life change, EC. 😀
Good luck, DC!!
That OW’s husband needs a copy of CL’s book. STAT!
I experienced something very similar earlier this year: my FW announced on Facebook that he’s having a baby, which means he got a random woman pregnant just after I cut him out of my life (I have to admit, I was not married to him). The way he announced it was disgusting: all about him, fake kind of humbleness etc.
As a result, I learned once and for all to NEVER EVER look into his social media anymore. Also, I had to get used to the idea of what he apparently is capable, making him even uglier than what I thought him to be. All kinds of phantasies on his psychological Frankenstein family appeared in my mind and sometimes still do: what future for this kid?? How can he possible love this baby?? How can they possibly safeguard a stable future for this family??
Although I know it proves he is sick in his mind, it’s a tempting thought to believe that *I* missed out, left as the bitter and lonely one. It’s like I know he would like me to feel that way. But I try to take it as a new start for my life. One that I haven’t really asked for, but now that I’m working on it, it becomes much and much more fun. Deep down I know I couldn’t have been happy with him. And it would have been horrible if I would be linked to him through a common child for the rest of my life. I’d rather be single, childless and free. Luckily you escaped! Congrats for that!
Lots of luck, and keep believing in your sanity!
It’s normal to triggered by these sorts of antics, even after you’ve left. This kind of showboating is the security blanket of image management that these drama addicts need to drape themselves in.
As far as your friend, both friendship and romantic love come with conditions, the most significant being that they don’t knowingly behave towards you in ways that would cause you emotional harm. End any relationship where someone feels entitled to cause you distress.
I’m happy for you that you’re not tethered to a manipulative, callous and irresponsible manchild via parenthood. It’s reprehensible that two children are going to further be victimized by these two, and those initial, shiny Kodak moments that FWs thrive on always fade away, and then comes the old cycle of boredom, resentment and searches for new sources of supply.
Trust that your ex will continue to do what he does best, while you get to move on and live your best life.
DC, I think you are still in love with the dream, the mirage of what you thought your life would be, and who he was. If you stick to no contact, your vision will clear and your thought process will clear.
No one can live your life, but you.
“But I’m embarrassed that I married him.” Of all the feelings you feel right now, I suggest try leading with this one. The deep soul grief of losing what you thought was your life partner can be unbearable…but it’s alot easier to just feel kinda embarrassed for having been with such a douche bag.
In my journey to meh, I found that looking back with some sense of incredulousness and embarrassment in my choice of partners, in ignoring all the red flags, in not demanding more for myself, etc, made me feel empowered. Like, I see it now, and boy is my face red! A real turning point for me was getting sick to my stomach thinking about the fact that I used to have sex with that guy.
So, the hard, dark feelings will be there, and you’ll need to work through them over time, but right now give in to this feeling and really marinate in it. Have a good laugh at yourself for being such a bad picker, learn, and do better next time.
Best of luck.
Yeah, I’m embarrassed too. After 39 years.
Oh well. Life awaits. X free. ????
That’s a very nice message. Going through all that myself, getting there slowly but surely, with ups and downs 🙂
“A real turning point for me was getting sick to my stomach thinking about the fact that I used to have sex with that guy.”
That is awful isn’t it. I have pretty much wiped those memories out of my head. I can’t even think of the good times. So when I want to remember my youth romance, I have to remember my 18 year old sweet ex boy friend that I used to smooch with, before I married my ex.
Of course I also have my now husband who I got to have a nice romance with for a few years before we married. Still romantic of course, but I am speaking of memories, and we all need good memories.
I feel for you. 5 years after he ran away – gone within 3 weeks after dday – and 3 years after divorce was finalized a well meaning friend forwarded ex father-in-law’s obit. Listed among survivors was ex & his financee who was not the OWhore. I was at work when I read it & it was as if dday hit all over again.
I remember sobbing to a coworker saying what’s wrong with me that he doesn’t want to be married to me. He’s a fuckwit that’s why but at that very moment it was a monumental trigger. I was heart sick for weeks added to having to put down my 21 yr old cat, having my beloved oak tree cut down, ending a toxic relationship with friend & healing from a broken foot.
I found out later that this financee is 24 years his junior – she wasn’t born when we married. I chuckle now at people we knew through his family coming to the viewing & being introduced to her as his bride to be. They must have left thinking WTF!
Good luck with that marriage asshole. You couldn’t keep me, your faithful loving partner of over 26 years. What makes you think this youngin’ will go for the long haul?
Of course this hurts, and for all the reasons CL stated. Give yourself a pass, have a good pity party for a day or two, and then realize you aren’t grieving him, but the fractured dreams you had with him. But never regret procreation with a FW. Too many have made that mistake. It’s even more painful when kids are broken hearted too over their parent’s infidelity, abuse, and abandonment. As time goes on, you will not just know this, but you will feel it and be grateful you dodged that bullet. Now, you have a wonderful opportunity for a do over. You can fix your picker and have a chance at a life and family with someone who is actually worthy of having that with you.
As for the ex, pffft, seriously, he couldn’t pass a PT test. That’s hilarious, because PT is the absolute EASIEST part of being in the military. I was able to pass the male PT test standards (even the extended scale version, meaning over 300) for most of my military career. I find it ridiculous that he couldn’t do the bare minimum. I feel sorry for any kid he has with anyone.
Do some kind things for yourself today. Give yourself a home facial, make yourself a margaritas and relax, paint your nails a pretty color, anything. Just make sure you take care of you today.
Be glad, oh so supremely happy, that this fraud, this cheater liar abuser, is not the father of your children. And bridesmaid schmoopie? Hone your “she’s a bitch” radar.
Life gives us great gifts and insights if we can survive them.
You divorced that. Shows strength.
Get on with your great life wiser and stronger and leave these wastes in the rearview.
DC, I remember your post from January. I thought “she’s got it together.” I still think you do. I think it’s normal to feel a mix of feelings when some event triggers memories. Especially those that have to do with our deepest desires, like a husband and children. Old feelings & desires & the grief from the loss will be dredged up but hopefully won’t be the only feelings. New feelings, like pride in what you’ve done to get yourself away from an abuser, or embarrassment from being taken by a con man, will come & go also.
I was able to judge improvements in my emotional health by seeing how many new, different feelings and thought patterns I had, how quickly the positive ones occurred, & how fast I stopped placing guilt on myself, and how fast I returned to optimism about the future. Bouncing back within a few days, or a day, vs spending weeks in self loathing, told the story. If I spend any time with the STBX (just sorted through offers on the house) it’s upsetting, but then I go home to MY life, MY job, MY friends, & the feelings pass sometimes in 2 hours.
It sounds like you have supportive friends (well, except the one you forwarded you the post) & you have CN. Trust that you did the right thing. The body & mind are wired to heal, even if we need help at times.
* the one WHO forwarded the post. Sounds like “mutual” friends list needs a clean up!
I’ve been reading John Updike’s Couples, a novel about infidelity, and found a line that resonated: “A man gets his first mistress when his wife gets pregnant”….now, as a retired ob/gyn and as a chump, I have to say, the absolute truth of this almost stopped my heart. You, my fellow chump, have had a narrow escape. You have been delivered from evil. OW is about to walk in your shoes, sooner rather than later. Rejoice in your escape and stop thinking about what FW and OW are getting up to. Whatever it is, it will end in disaster. If you want children, my advice is, find yourself a FEMALE infertility specialist and get a donor insemination. The advantages are: 1) you won’t have a spouse out mistress hunting as you grow heavy with child 2) you won’t have to deal with a partner’s weird mother and 3) you’ll never have to worry about cheating again. If you don’t marry them, they can’t cheat can they?
4) the child will grow up without a father whom he needs as a male role model
As a woman, I cannot agree with the idea of preemptively depriving a child of the presence of a father.
Virtually I had no father and no mother, or better still, I had parents that caused so much harm and hurt—my story is up-thread— that I am beyond aware of the need of role models.
I married and got abandoned and am now divorced. One thing I am relieved of is that there were not children in the marriage, and maybe it was intentional, given that I was married to a controlling withholder.
I was being sarcastic.
In my opinion every child needs their father
Yes that is what I meant too. In my opinion every child needs their father.
And you won’t have to worry that the fertility doctor is the father of the baby. So much in the news lately…
A. Nonnienonnie Muss,
I would have to add that if a man doesn’t get his first mistress when his wife gets pregnant, he will get her within the first year of the child’s birth….just cuz that is what happened to me. 🙂
I also feel compelled to add that despite the end of childbearing years the mistresses do not stop lining themselves up…..just cuz that is what happened to me.
I will end by adding that I never dreamed that it would happen to me.
My children are grown. The slut is gone as is my naivety.
“Life gives us great gifts and insights if we can survive them.”
Love this. Doubly Chumped has Guardian Angels looking out and protecting her…scumbag cheater needed to go and he needed to go to that awful skank bridesmaid cheater. They are meant for each other. DC has been given a reprieve, a second chance to choose a happy life. She would have been miserable with her cheater.
I’m not going to share my personal experience, but understand while the timeline was different, I understand how you feel. I really love Chump Lady’s advice about honoring your grief. You deserve it.
I made a decision that no matter what happens with them, it has nothing to do with me. It is none of my concern. They can be happy, miserable, win the lottery, become D-List celebrities, have a baby, have a Porsche, get hit by a bus. It has nothing to do with how I live my life. I hope you design the life you want. It may not look the way you expected, but hopefully, every day becomes filled with things and people you love and choose.
One more piece of advice: As for the “shame” of having been married to a fuckwit, I am totally with you. I am a decent person, so how did I end up in a three-ring circus with a bunch of carnies? Like you, I was not married long and did not have kids. So to people who only know me casually: This marriage never existed. Nobody needs to know. I am sure people in my old life wondered what happened to me. . . and I don’t have to answer to that either. Neither do you.
I totally agree that what happens to them should not matter, and most of us come to terms with that.
But, with all due respect (and I mean that) it gets harder and harder as more years and entanglements are added to just pretend they never existed.
Especially if they go on to hurt shared children with their antics.
Shame is a real thing. I feel ashamed I was so naive, so trusting, so easily chumped. He took my money, my self esteem, and my good health. When I was confronted with the STD I felt as though he’d stood me on my head and crapped in my vagina in front of friends and family. I really struggle with this. But you are correct – NOBODY needs to know. My anguish is private.
“Shame is a real thing. I feel ashamed I was so naïve, so trusting, so easily chumped. He took my money, my self esteem, and my good health. ”
Yes, aside from the STD (thankfully) everything you said. Yes I know, what they do is nor our shame to bear, but bear it we do; at least for a while. The whole town knowing my husband preferred the town whore to me for sex alone was beyond humiliating. Not to mention all the other financial, and emotional abuse that is the underbelly of infidelity that so many like to gloss over.
I am way out from it now, but it took a while to get past all the horror and shame.
Reach out to your friend and tell them not to forward social media from your ex. It’s hurtful, and none of your business.
Remember social media is 99% impression management. People will post dozens of photos of their kids being cute little angels but will never post the colossal wreckage of a late night projectile vomiting session. (Well, my friends will but we’re a twisted bunch with a tendency towards masochism).
Denial can be your friend here — convince yourself you never saw the post or got sucked into the internet vortex of searching for public baby registries. You made the choice to dig deeper, even though you knew it would hurt. Learn from that mistake. Stop digging.
Your new mantra: not my circus, not my monkeys.
You’ve done so well, keep moving forward.
This is really important…to be intentional about NOT finding out about an ex. We all go through the detective phase after Dday, and in some ways it’s good….humans are curious and it’s better to just get it out of the way. But, once that initial curiosity is quelled, make the difficult effort to put a lid on it, as much as possible, and move on to better research topics. Proactively erect firewalls with well-meaning friends so you don’t receive any new information. Be done.
Like, you know what you know, and anything you don’t know is most likely not helpful to you moving forward, so…lock it in a box and bury it. It can take immense amounts of self control to do this…but well worth the effort.
My ex the kibble whore is building the house we were building together on YouTube, for the viewing pleasure of thousands of strangers who matter more to him than I ever did. When I was there, I stayed in the shadows and he never credited or even mentioned me. Now I’m sure he continues to flaunt his sparkly self and castle as if I never existed. I’m actually thankful that things were so nasty and violent at the end, because that world is now a trigger and know better than to look. I want a home desperately, but that one would’ve been a nightmare and a prison. And it could’ve disappeared at any moment, besides.
Any time I look at anything related to FW or any of his OWs, I feel rotten (mostly because I’m ashamed of myself), so I try to take a breath and do something else instead. Happens very rarely now (when I’m really sad or anxious), and I’m ALWAYS relieved when I don’t act on the impulse. Really glad I don’t have social media, because it seems like it would be harder to avoid coming across incidentally, through mutual friends. Also glad I don’t have to face Switzerland dynamics or have my face rubbed in what I don’t have. I’m focused on something new.
After making a short story long: I agree, NotaNiceChump!
When my husband and I were divorcing, he lived with his other woman in a property (just across the courtyard from me) that we owned. I walked a lot, sometimes at night, and I’d see their light on. I tried to convince myself that “I don’t even know those people; that light means nothing,” and I thought I got pretty good at it, but after they moved out, the light meant absolutely nothing, because “I didn’t even know those people.” You can’t fool yourself.
But if the light isn’t on your property, you can intentionally steer away from all the drama. I love this idea, NotANiceChump! Good takeaway for me just to file in my brain somewhere! Hope I never need it!
I’m going for the real thing this time, and I’m not gonna settle for sparkle.
There will actually come a day when you will laugh about these two losers. Ask me how I know!
And, you get an unlimited future. They get each other…..lol
I think a lot of people are going to have a laugh at this couples expense. One bat shit crazy skank and a lazy cheating bum. Grab the popcorn cause this is going to be better than any Netflix series.
I haven’t read all the responses, so I hope this isn’t something that’s been posted. I’m sorry you’re suffering through the pain of double betrayal. From your description, of him and his previous lifestyle, her family values, a two year old, add a newborn? sounds like a recipe for a living hell. Certainly doesn’t paint a pretty picture. Two year olds on their own are alot of work and require the patience of a saint, diapers, tantrums, fits in stores, restaurants, a newborn requires more diapers, lack of sleep, crying, bottles, spit up, short tempers. Their baby registry and posts on fb are further evidence of who they are, shameless. Fix your picker. Get rid of anyone who feels off or toxic in your life. You deserve better friends, people who share your values, and raised with similar morals and standards. Happy days ahead… if you’d like a baby fix, there are hospitals that need people to hold newborns, schools always welcome volunteers.
And, in the midst of the grief Doubly Chump, try to realize what a bullet you dodged in NOT having a kid with this low life. Most of us on this site are caught somewhere between “I love my kids and can’t imagine my life without them” AND ALSO “I wish I never had kids with this asshole, who will now make our lives miserable for decades to come.” It’s a crappy place to be, and it is what it is.
You have the chance to build a family one day with an honorable, loving, and participatory person. This is a gift. It may be tough to look at it this way right now, but imagine, in the midst of your pain, care taking a 4 year old with strep throat AND working a full time job AND fighting your ex in court AND dealing with your own pain AND being forced to drop your sickly child off at the apartment of your abuser and his flavor of the month because a judge says you have to AND knowing that your kid will not be comforted and may not even get their medicine and will be allowed to watch terrible movies and eat terrible food and will cry themselves to sleep. You have avoided most of this. Like I said, a gift.
Remember, DC, life is not a zero sum game. I see this a lot on CL, or in sites where people are healing from Disordered Cluster B’s. Meaning, Chumps are thinking that they CAN’T be happy unless Cheater/FW/OW are suffering.
First of all, Cheaters/Disordered/OW are all about veneer & impression management. Who knows what’s behind all of the Snapchat/Instagram snaps? It’s all FAKE!!
Second, you are giving your power back to Cheater/FW/OW. “I can only be happy & satisfied if they are miserable”. No different to when you were married to the FW.
We say it a lot here: the only person you can control is yourself. You are still early days here – find a way to manage the stress cycle when you hear news that you “think” means Cheater is “doing well”. Go for a run, walk, yoga class, dance class. Get a pedicure, massage, etc. There will come a day when you hear news that “you think” means “Cheater is doing well” and you won’t give it another thought. This does NOT happen in the 1st year post divorce. You need more healing time. But until that day comes, you’re faking it till you make it by getting that pedicure or massage or something else wonderful.
Third – you will very rarely/never hear reports that says “Cheater is doing poorly, him & Schmoopie are making each other miserable, Cheater is in a fetal position screaming that he misses DC” Why? Revert back to earlier: Impression Management! So, you will have a distorted view of what is truly happening in Cheaterworld.
Don’t rent space in your head. You’re busy going after your new life. Energy is not limitless. Every ounce of energy you are directing at FW is energy you are not using to Gain A Life!
So true about image mgt.
One time when I was visiting my son (his dad and schmoopie at the time lived in an attached mini apartment to sons house) I was sitting in their back bedroom using their computer. As I sat there the ex fw was strumming a guitar and singing gospel songs. Lol. At the time he was trying to become a preacher, another Lol. Anyway as I sat there I had to seriously stifle myself from saying “Seriously fw, you think anyone is buying your act”
But, I didn’t, I just sat there and laughed to myself. Wasn’t long after that he blew up his relationship with our son, and son ended their living arrangements, sold his house and they fled to Florida to try and scam someone else.
I saw a post on schmoopies page when I was looking for anything said about my son after fw died recently. Some twit twinkie was waxing on and on about what a wonderful man fw was. I back out, and had to laugh again.
I bet he was going on and on with their friends about how important family and loyalty was to him, just like he used to do when we were together.
Nothing was said about my son except one of schmoops boys mentioned him as his “brother” Which was funny because he didn’t even spell my son’s name correctly.
And it is easy to spell.
Sorry, DC. Do not judge yourself for what you should/shouldn’t feel or be ashamed of how much this is hurting you. Of course it is. It’s hard for me to even imagine being in your position, but I know it’s coming and it’s going to turn my life inside out for a little while – over FW as I am. Reading today’s post and comments as preventative medicine.
I know what you mean about not yet being at the point where you feel lucky you don’t have a child, even though you know you wouldn’t want one with an FW. It’s a shit sandwich. GAL might not include what we always wanted in our heart of hearts. We’re allowed to grieve.
Hey Doubly Chumped,
If you moved… you’d be with friends who know you and what you’ve been going through (so you won’t feel disoriented – you’ll still feel grounded) and there’ll be new perspectives, new vistas, a new job and new friends on the horizon. And he’ll get the message that “hey, I’m alone now, with Other Woman and Whomever’s Baby!) I’m sure he’ll wish for you, but no matter. You’re on to bigger, better things.
Oh, the places you’ll go,
and the things that you’ll do!
No one’s as brainy and footsy as you!
You have brains in your head.
You have feet in your shoes.
You can steer yourself
any direction you choose.
You’ll be on your own. And you’ll know what you know.
And YOU are the girl who’ll decide where to go!
You’re off to Great Places!
Today is your day!
Your mountain is waiting.
So…get on your way!
— Dr. Seuss and Light Heart
This may be a dumb suggestion, but you could maybe do some fun adventures that would be difficult to do while pregnant, like a wine country trip. I know it may be scary with COVID but you could try some traveling–I think one really good trip would feel great. Some place you have always wanted to go. I know having children is great, but being carefree and spontaneous is gone for quite some time after. Surfing? Horse back riding? Hiking? Anything new you’ve never tried? You’ll probably meet someone new fairly quickly when you’re finally enjoying your life again too. Also men are just awful, so the new person will probably cramp your style so enjoy yourself before they suck the life out of you again.
First, social media posts are meaningless and meant to showcase happiness, whether that reflects reality or not. If you were to look at my social media from when I was married to Nitwit you would think I was deliriously happy with him. Even after D-Day I continued to spackle on social media rather than admit I’d invested in a narcissist. And I have nowhere near the capacity for deception and subterfuge that a cheater has.
Second, I am damn glad I did not procreate with Nitwit and would feel the same way even if I wanted kids. Listen to all the chumps on here who had kids with their cheaters and have to deal with coparenting with a morally insane person and his/her accomplice in marriage fraud. Not something you want to deal with. There are plenty of men out there who are more responsible than your ex and will actually contribute in raising their child.
I hope the OW’s husband gets a paternity test on the new baby, then leaves the crazy woman. Bragging about how you’re having another man’s baby while still married to your husband is the sole territory of the disordered. If her husband has an ounce of self-respect left he will dump her like a hot potato.
My friend had this happen to her – though the OW was not married. My friend and her then husband limped along for 5 years all the while he was paying the OW child support. The marriage fell apart and 2 weeks post divorce, he married the OW.
Flash forward 11 years:
The OW has divorced him and has some sort of awful illness.
He’s totally alone, not even in the same state.
The baby is now 16 and is a total mess —which is actually pretty sad.
And my friend? Happily married! Went out and got a masters degree, switched careers and got a real estate license, remodeled her house. She and her (completely loyal) husband just bought a cabin on a lake.
I don’t exactly believe in karma, but I do believe that we both suffer -and enjoy- the consequences of our actions.
Here are a few thoughts:
1) You have made so made good but hard decisions through this terrible time. Please remember to be proud of yourself.
2) Lots of people seeing the social media posts about these two jackasses and their unfortunate soon-to-be child are appalled, horrified, and nauseated by their behavior, but our culture teaches most of us to be polite and offer well wishes. Don’t mistake the flamboyant posturing of your EX and his mistress for public approval.
3) Lots of us are embarrassed about who we married or what we put up with in a marriage. Your embarrassment is like a scar–it means you’ve grown since that decision and been marked by it. Eventually, you’ll have grown so far past him that you can talk about the marriage without embarrassment–hopefully to help other people who are struggling in bad relationships.
4) You deserve better and you are on your way toward having it.
I actually think the friend that told Doubly Chumped about the baby did the right thing. She would eventually find out and it’s better learning from a friend, instead of being blindsided by someone else.
I do believe her intentions were good. And I know that I would have found out eventually. Unfortunately (and fortunately), my ex got us involved with a church and introduced me to his friends. We all got along great and they thought we were perfect for each other. They didn’t know the extent of his evilness either. So all but a couple people in that circle of mutual friends no longer talk to him and have made a point to help me through this. I’m still cautious about what I say to those that knew him. But I think most are shocked at his behavior.
Wow, I’m so glad to see your response, DC! It sounds like your ex and the ex friend are finally being exposed for what they are.
I have a good friend going through all this right now, unfortunately. It’s a fine line knowing what to say. She says I’m the only one of her friends that REALLY understand how she feels. If i found out her ex was having a baby I would tell her, I think a lot of women would feel betrayed if you didn’t.
Wishing you the best, you deserve it!!