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Infidelity Euphemisms

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Cheating is such an ugly word. That’s why the Reconciliation Industrial Complex has so many euphemisms. Cheating? No, they strayed or were wayward. (Blown off course! Get it?)

Fuck buddy? No, mistress, companion, or lover. So much more sanitized.

And cheaters themselves give us so many euphemisms! “Hiking the Appalachian trail” comes to mind.

One of the things we do here at Chump Nation is call a spade a spade. I have my own little vocabulary and dispense with the soppy sadness of “betrayed spouse” and use “chump” instead. (There are no chumps without con artists.) I say “unicorn” for an unlikely thing we want to believe in, like reconciliation. And if you spend too much time thinking about this stuff, I’ll tell you to stop “untangling the skein of fuckupedness.”

Language matters. So your challenge today is to come up with your own cheater euphemisms or deconstructions.

Girlfriend — That person listed as “Bob” on his cell phone.

Cheating — “Whistling past the divorce lawyers” or “An exuberant act of dumbassery.”

The Schmoopies — “Twu Wuv Twolls”, “The Great Waste”, “Respondent”

Give the Reconciliation Industrial Complex some new terms to work with.

TGIF!

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Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • Finding Myself- Finding new people to put a certain part of myself into, partner be damned!

    I Need Some Space- Could just take a few days to forget this, your kibble supply is waning.

    Going to a Plant Show- I could check out some polyalthias, and see if Schmoopie shaved like I asked her to.

    • lol, I definitely take the “working on myself” thing that he had the gall to say to my brother and say it while making the pointer finger into hole made with pointer finger and thumb of other hand.

    • Ah mine called years and years of serial cheating a ‘bad phase’ during which he was ‘so unhappy’. The minimisation and blame shifting is strong with this one

    • What if I want to travel around the world with bff?? (Didn’t mention me).

      I just want to spend as much time up there as possible. I’d PREFER if you and the kids came with me, but….

      I’ve always been faithful to you and believe me that’s rare these days (WTF???)

      “Stepping out”

      Strayed – played around

      “indiscretion” (my most loathed)

      “took a lover” (where?)

      got some on the side

      had a side piece (not to be confused with carrying a firearm)

      • “‘took a lover’ (where?)”

        I love this rhetorical “where?” My mom used to ask the same thing when my brother as a teen started using the phrase “took a dump.” I find the parallel between the phases infinitely amusing.

      • Called in for an emergency=screwing the medical complex slut who has been with every married doctor in the building….

        Need to clear some charts= boinking same slut on exam table and getting interrupted by cleaning staff…

        Taking the volvo to Nashville for service=head of security informed me I was on tape taking RNslut into call room, so must spring for hotel room

  • ‘Exploring the relationship’ – I left you for her, then spent awhile trying to convince schmoopie she wanted to be my girlfriend. She didn’t want to, so now I’m back from my exuberantly defiant journey and want into the marriage again. (Rubbish marriage counsellor nods wisely.)

  • Controlling- I want to do whatever the hell I want to do and you don’t like it therefore you are controlling. OR – I was never dependable enough to take care of anything so by default you had to do all the work. Again you are controlling.

    • Shannon: Yes, well said. Before reading CL and comments here, I didn’t know how common it is for cheaters to label people they hurt as “controlling.” That insidious projection by cheaters feels to me like one of their most malicious acts. And trying to undo the damage caused is long, hard work. I appreciate how you laid their actions plain here—thank you.

      • I got accused of being controlling too. Then I started to wonder what it was that I was controlling?
        -The money? Nope, because if I controlled the money, our electricity wouldn’t be shut off due to too many lap dances at the local strip club…

        -Where he goes? No, I definitely didn’t want him staying out all hours with our only car while I was stuck at home with two hungry young kids and no food. I definitely didn’t control that.

        -Who he was with? Well I wouldn’t have picked the dumb slutty girls that are “just friends” so I guess I had no control over that anyway…

        Finally I asked him, what EXACTLY was I being so controlling about? He didn’t want to answer that. Which means he expects me to mind read (or made it all up/same thing!) which I pointed out to him is controlling (and abusive 😣).

        It turns out that he considers it “controlling” if I react to any of the above by being upset. So he was really saying that natural consequences for HIS behavior = controlling. Therefore the only way for me not to be controlling was to become a complete doormat….
        No thanks. I guess I’m controlling, huh?

        • So to follow the Friday challenge :

          If YOU (the chump) are controlling-
          That means you still have a backbone and the Cheater resents it (take it as a compliment 😁)

        • “It turns out that he considers it “controlling” if I react to any of the above by being upset.”

          YES. I was constantly told how “mean” I was. Took me a few years to figure out “you’re being mean to me” was him not liking that his actions had consequences. I was supposed to be a doormat who didn’t care about being lied to all the time. To be anything else is “mean.” 



          The kicker is, for the record, even when being lied to I was kiss-ass nice! I never wanted to upset him or come across as “mean.” Yeesh.

      • It’s taken me 50 years to understand how small my needs have been made to accommodate people in my life who have labeled me “ controlling”. I was total Narc fodder.

        No – I now have boundaries. Just because I stand up for my needs, I am a bad …wife…child…work mate, etc.

        For the first time in my life I may actually be controlling lol.

    • He got away with cheating as long as he did (most likely the entire 27 years we were together) because I WASN’T
      “controlling” as he accused me of.

      • Exactly, controllers don’t spend decades with a cheating spouse.

        My ex when he set up a meeting with our preacher during one of his attempted circle backs, just said out of the blue “I have always tried to get Susie to be more independent” Lie, he always kept me under his thumb. And in the next breath he said “but I am (meaning himself) a controller, I always have been” Two totally conflicting statements within ten seconds.

    • Yes that was my ex wife. Banging her howorker in an abandoned bars parking lot located roughly 100 yards from the healthcare facility where she was the Director of Nursing.

      • Oh Jesus, was that the same bar my stbxw used to bone the janitor and the sales rep(director of sales at long term care facility)?

        They are all the same. No variety at all.

    • Oh, you mean like my stbx who texted me NYE 2019 to tell me he wasn’t coming home that night = The Emotional Grifter?

  • “Just a girl who wanted five minutes of fame”

    As though sparkledick were famous or powerful. But he thinks he is…. AND he kept her little hand-made cards and a scapular that she gave him together with his Bible on the night table.

    He doesn’t even know who he is.

  • I’ve been unhappy for 7 years…but, but, you gave me an upgraded wedding ring 3 years ago, we just built our dream house together… that took constant cooperation for the last 2 years straight! What, wait… you were unhappy? “I gave you enough hints to choke a horse!”

    • Do y’all do trigger warnings here? My comment isn’t related to cheating but how dating has changed.

      TW:

      The softening (and dumbing down) of language is is a pet peeve of mine. I mostly argue about this with regards to “sex positivity” conversations I see online, especially on the cesspool known as Reddit.

      What’s more maddening is it happens irl! I took time off from dating then decided to inch my way back into the pool, only to find that so many men (I’m hetero) are champions of sex positivity for women.

      Yay for progress?

      Lol not really because their version of sex positivity was women being open to all sorts of degrading and frankly, dangerous, acts all while begging for commitment.

      The worst and most dangerous example I can think of is breath play… which is a PG-13 way of saying strangulation.

      Guy says, “Hey babe, can we try a little breath play to spice up our sex life? You don’t have to worry about any marks; I swear I’ll be gentle.”

      Guy really means, “Hey babe, can I strangle you to spice up my sex life? You don’t have to worry about marks… unless I’m angry with you after an argument. Then I’ll say we’re having hate/make-up sex where I won’t be as gentle as I promised. Oh, and I watched a video about it on YouTube and talked to a bunch of other guys on reddit, so it’s not like I’ll kill you or anything. Even if I do, I can use the sex gone bad defense and get off Scott free. Also, you’re a prude if you say no. So, what do you say? ☺️”

      It’s insidious to soften language in order to make the word (and action behind the word) more appetizing to a larger audience.

      If things were called what they are, not very many people will be chomping at the bit to join, which is what these bullshitters bank on.

      • On topic, I hated novels like The Awakening. They framed the protagonist as a long suffering wife who needed to discover herself and find her happiness and freedom at the end of another man’s peen.

        I think I was the only one who didn’t care for her character when we read it in school.

      • I agree with you 100%. As they say, calling thing by their correct name is the first step towards wisdom. When we pretty things up, vague them down, and soften the meaning it harms all of us. I am thinking about the term “underage girls” as an example. Epstein and “underage girls” and Mary Kay LeTorrneau and an “underage boy”when what it really means is children. Child sex abuse is what it is and what we should call it.

        The whole language is shifting to destigmatize everything sexual. Kink instead of perversion, cross-dressing instead of transvestitism, underage girls instead of child sex abuse, nonconsentual sex instead of rape, polyamory, etc. There will always be people who are curious about and/or want what is outside the fence surrounding what is socially acceptable. When everything is within the fenced area, then those who wish to go outside enter a very dark world. I think we are seeing this in porn. What used to be, for our grandfather, a racy picture of a woman in suggestive clothing and a come hither pose is now live porn of the most degrading acts and sights only an experienced gynecologist or proctologist used to see. And preteen and teenage boys are being normalized to it. Imagine being a girl at college, in love with some boy, and he wants to beat you, spit in your mouth and slap you in the face with his penis. I worry for our sons and daughters both, because abusive sex devoid of any kindness or affection is a brutal transaction.

        • I agree with you on the porn issues. I’ve noticed that porn now is far different than when I was teenager in the mid 90’s early 00’s which we had only magazines and maybe a video tape or dvd that was borrowed from friends but even though it was “hardcore” it was just normal sex. Now days it’s all spitting on bits and in mouths and choking girls out during oral. I worry that my kids when older will think that is normal. Or the obsession with anal now days. I imagine many girls as they get older will assume that is normal and will be expected by every guy they date.

          One huge issue that does worry me is if my ex wife does end up in a relationship and they also have kids, there is an obsession also on step-sister porn now days that it really worries me that my little girl would not be safe or what if my sons had a step-sister and thought it was the “thing” to do. Their young minds just don’t see things properly.

          • I hear you on the daughter thing. My ex wife is still with her AP and he has 5 kids with 3 women. But the 4 younger of his kids are all boys from 5-16 and my daughter who is 9 is the only girl in the household. It frightens the shit out of me. I coach his boys in various sports and they are just like their dad. So I keep on my younger two kids to make sure they are safe and okay and they know they can talk to me about anything.

            • Yes it’s very worrying. Really have to drive it home to her what to look out for and the usual. Your daughter is the same age as mine. Worries me sick what things she could be exposed to on YouTube or playing roblox online etc. Just such a different world now to the 80’s and 90’s. They lose their innocence far to young now days. It’s awful that kids that age are now exposed to porn.

          • I have the same concern about my two teens. I was a teen in the 1980s and had to work for my porn :-). Late night softcore on Showtime, finding some weatherbeaten old Penthouses in a dumpster…

            None of it, I believe, destructive. I went on to have healthy sex life in healthy relationships and when I was in a relationship I had no interest in porn. Now I fear the generation that grew up with immediate access to seriously hardcore porn—much of it based on misogynistic degrading treatment of women—will have real problems when it comes to intimacy.

            I’ve said casually to my 17 year old son, “You know, much of what you see Online is not what sex is like or should be.”

            But of course what do I know.

            I don’t like this new world.

        • I can see where you’re coming from, but I would like to offer a… semi-rebuttal.

          After this, I can definitely agree with you on calling it child sex abuse instead of underage.

          However, in regards to your thoughts on kink, this is where I disagree. To me, the problem isn’t the kink itself, but more the potential lack of knowledge. I don’t see an issue with a woman wanting a little pain in bed, that’s her business. My problem would be if her partner or even her aren’t well informed on it.

          Despite what it seems, the submissive in this sort of thing actually has the most control. They control what their partner does and sets the limits. Ot’s likely not the pain they’re attracted to, it’s the illusion they have no control when really they do.

          I have no interest in cross-dressing, and I don’t know enough to know how offensive the term “transvestism” is, but again, it’s not my business and it’s not hurting anyone.

          I’m not naive as to say porn can have ill effects on people, and I know it could really warp someone young. But I think the best solution would be to sit down this young person and explain how to treat other people.

          The point of destigmatising sexual things (not all of course, I will not defend child molestaion) is because shame is probably one of people’s biggest problems. Sex, when done with knowledge and consent, doesn’t actually hurt anyone. It hurts someone when one person doesn’t want it or the person acting on kink doesn’t know how to do it safely or correctly. I’ve even found articles and studies that show kink can be quite helpful to survivors of sexual assault.

          To recap, I understand that society has its issues with sex, but the solution isn’t to shame others into pushing it down. Rather they should be taught how to express these feelings in a healthy and harmless way.

          Links to articles and studies:

          https://www.google.com/amp/s/cerebral-sexuality.com/2018/04/09/consensual-kinks-arent-unethical/amp/

          https://www.researchgate.net/publication/339238941_The_Psychology_of_Kink_a_Survey_Study_into_the_Relationships_of_Trauma_and_Attachment_Style_with_BDSM_Interests

          • …”Shame is probably one of people’s biggest problems.”

            Yeah, well, you and I disagree. I think lack of shame is probably one of people’s biggest problems.

          • 25 to 30% of young males are now impotent with non degrading sex, due to porn warping their sexuality.

            Young women are being trafficked in every city and abused in the most horrific ways, due to porn and the ability of many men to depersonalize human beings.

            Society is headed the wrong way and it is heartbreaking.

            • “Society is headed the wrong way and it is heartbreaking.”

              And woe to the one who has the audacity to mention it.

            • Yeah it damaging when watched to much. I was in my early 20’s and watching far too much porn and could not function with girls in real life due to it. I remember not being able to get it up and yet went home and watched porn and functioned perfectly fine and no 21 year old guy should have I’m impotence when with girls.

          • My husband denied watching porn and yet after split and lots of googling, I learned many of his “moves” were straight from porn. Things he would “accidentally” do that I would stay stop, were all pushing the boundary into that realm. In the end he only wanted really rough sex, or whatever was hurting me. I just had to stop (for so many reasons).

          • I think a lot of men turn their wife cheating into a fetish to try and cope. The amount of cheating wife / cuckold porn is massive. Apparently cuckold is one of the highest viewed next to teens. I’ve seen some cuckold sites and they get off on their wife cheating. I can understand the whole swingers and hotwifing where both parties consent and the man is there watching so forth but proper cuckolding and wanting to be caged and told how small your manhood is something altogether. I do agree that if it’s consensual and not illegal then knock yourselves out and have fun.

        • I have a goddaughter who is 12 years old and dealing with boys who’ve been watching porn for years calling her a boring for not wanting to send nudes. She’s terrified of boys and men and has told me she’s going to be a lesbian from now on.

          One of my dad’s neighbor has been telling me about groups of kids watching anal videos on YouTube on tablets they’re supposed to be using for homework. The kids she’s in charge of are 6-10 years old!

          After that discussion, I looked up a few papers on child development to see that children are being exposed to porn at the average age of 8 now. So we have 1.5 generations of kids and adults who are porn addicts before they turned 18…

          I’m a mid-millennial. Teen pregnancy was pretty bad in my community, however, I don’t remember the conversations around sex being this bad, incessant and obsessive.

          Also, I’m no stranger to harassment and molestation, but even as a kid and teen, I remember come-ons from boys (and older men) being more… innocent? It’s strange to put it that way, but that’s how it feels compared to the mess called sex positivity and entertainment we have now.

          And lately I’ve been binge watching Dr. Ramani now that shes got her own channel. In her opinion, the US is becoming even more narcissistic, so I guess this is going to get worse.

          I don’t really know what to say about it in terms of solutions. I cut porn out of my life after my suspicions about sex trafficking were confirmed last year, but it seems like so many people – male and female alike – do not care about the cultural ramifications as long as they’re “getting theirs.”

        • Principled, thank you. I agree 100% too. I think this dumbing down of language is happening in virtually every arena of life too. I remember having a conversation with my sister where she objected to my using the term ‘morals’ and wanted to use ‘principles’ or ‘beliefs’ instead. I’ve been labelled judgemental for merely stating my opinion, when it’s different to another’s. The phrase ‘Hate the sin, love the sinner’ is now regarded as a hateful thing to say because people’s standards have fallen and they don’t want to be judged – or maybe I should say standards have ‘changed’! It’s so tiring and depressing.

          • It’s happening in all walks of life. I was in the Army and I follow some veterans on YouTube and the US Army has watered down basic training and removed shark attack and drill Sgts now not allowed to smoke them nor swear etc. It’s that stress and yes it can be emotionally sensitive for some but that’s what makes a soldier. Even in my government office job we had to endure training several times a year on diversity and how we speak to others. People are scared in work to even have a sense of humour in case it’s taken the wrong way. Or even just complimenting someone might be a sexual harassment case. It’s everywhere.

          • Some time ago decided I was just going to say it all, what I thought was true, what I believe in. Hopefully kindly and with care, but if you try to be PC you’ll go crazy…if for no other reason that it changes every week. Yesterday’s joke is today’s woke microaggression and tomorrow’s blasphemy.

            Atist: Yay to you and your morality and judgement. These used to be praiseworthy virtues, and they still are. A world without morality and judgement is frightening to contemplate, and without beauty.

        • I also agree with you on the porn issue. I am not a porn watcher at all, but FW father (FWF) seems to be on the “addiction spectrum” (if we want to use softened words, lol). This is of course something I wish I hadn’t found out about him, but find out I did. When I was helping my mom clean out their house for sale, I found a couple thumb drives which I put in my computer and they were FWF’s porn collection. Then around that same time I saw suspect charges on the credit card (I pay their bills for them) and had to look it up to see what it was. Then later FWF’s assistant told me that FWF had to borrow someone’s laptop because he spilled iced tea on his and when he returned it there was tons of porn on it.

          I read the book “Your Brain on Porn” and it is really disturbing what it is doing to society. Anal sex used to be taboo and now it is just normal because of porn. Like others have mentioned, kids look at porn like it is nothing and now they think that is what sex is like. Kids who are coming into sexual maturity cannot relate to each other in normal, healthy ways, like “let’s hold hands” and just kissing and doing little stuff. It’s like it is all or nothing with creepy porn shit. And younger and younger men are having to take Viagra because PMO (porn, masturbation, orgasm) take away their ability to get it up from a normal person-to-person experience.

          I wouldn’t be surprised if FWF watches “live porn” because of recent charges I’ve seen on his credit card that are of random sites I’ve never heard of. I actually contacted an anti-trafficking organization to see if they’d heard of them and they said it could be CP or webcam shit or not. Those types of sites move around. When Googling the sites they all come up with the same thing….”dating.”

          I’ve even asked on Reddit and had no response.

          Sorry, I seemed to go off topic here but maybe someone has similar experiences?

          • I missed so many red flags about my ex-hole that you could make many miles of bunting from them, a crucial one being porn. He’d told me he’d got heavily into it after breaking up with his previous (crazy) girlfriend but that he didn’t use it any more. Imagine my surprise a few months after moving in together when I came home unexpectedly at lunch time to find an eight inch stack of what I can only describe as gimp porn under the duvet. He was very embarrassed and said he’d “been meaning” to throw them away.

            He did but soon afterwards persuaded me to go halves on a very expensive desktop computer (it was the 90s) so he could go digital. Always the earlier adopter. A few months after that I found out he’d spent £500 on online porn in three months nwhile supposedly looking for work and while I worked a minimum wage job and my hair was literally falling out with stress. Of course it was my fault because it made him stressed that I was stressed about him not working.

            Again he promised to stop and I didn’t find anything again until 20 years later when I found deleted sex cam cookies on his laptop, but that was mainly because he autodeleted his browsing history.

            It definitely impacted on him sexually – he would either last 30 seconds, not be able to orgasm at all or be unable to maintain an erection. I felt like it was all my fault for not being attractive enough, but of course he was totally desensitised from all the porn. And I felt he treated me like a blow up doll.

            In the end the only thing that did anything for him was cheating which he did with his howorker for 12 years and I expect there were others when he was travelling for work – I was always suspicious about how many lesbians seemed to work in the IT industry 😂

            I fear with the kind of stuff that is out their now, we are raising a whole generation of potential FWs.

          • When we were trying marriage counselling, he used to shut me out of the bedroom so he could use porn because he ‘had to have something’. We had only been married a short while (20 odd years before) when I found a stash of porn featuring lesbian Asian girls in superhero costumes (!! Really??) and the first thing he said was ‘Do you want a divorce?’ Missed that red flag!! No, I told him him much I loathed it and asked him to cut it out. He knew I hated it. This was decades ago when this stuff was more difficult to get, we didn’t even have a computer. Years later our sex life had been difficult for awhile because of his ed, my early menopause and because I had seen him one night, when he thought I was asleep, at the end of the bed using online porn. My respect and desire fled. I didn’t mention it because I thought he ‘had to have something’.
            He said later that porn had always come in and out of his life. I joined Fight The New Drug to find out more and now I so wish I had challenged the porn use earlier. I think it’s a far more important part of the demise of our marriage than he claimed. Writing all this because I believe the tsunami of this stuff we’re seeing is affecting adult men and their relationships just as direly as it’s warping the perception of relationships for young men.

        • I agree with you about the increasingly blatant and intense violence and disrespect toward women in porn, and I also worry about the effect of it on relationships, especially in teaching boys distorted ideas of what consent means.

          But, I find it very disturbing to hear anyone class polyamory, porn and rape together. People who cheat in a monogamous relationship and then say they did it because they are really polyamorous by nature, are NOT really polyamorous! They are just lying, gas-lighting rule-breakers. They have already broken the primary rule of polyamory–full and informed consent in advance regarding connecting with a new love interest–with EVERYONE following rules that everyone has a voice in and agrees upon IN ADVANCE. So, no double standard where the cheater breaks the rules whenever he wants in secret, and absolutely no “surprise, I just fucked some one new, so I’ve decided you and I are poly now!”. Polyamory partners set rules and boundaries together that apply to everyone, but cheaters are rule-breakers who get off on keeping secrets that disempower their partners. So cheaters can and do absolutely get kicked out of real poly relationships for lying, breaking rules, cheating and infidelity.

      • I learned this the hard way, after getting out of a 20 year marriage. I had 2 sons, primary custody, and I had not felt loved for over 5 years, and had tried RIC marriage for over 10 years, deciding I just could not live that way anymore. I had started work on fixing myself, but definitely had not fixed my picker!

        I fell for a super love bomber, I just waned to be loved and have a normal life again. I never had a problem with being married, I thought that was what grown people were supposed to do. This relationship was a disaster. Trying to date after a 20 year marriage was a disaster. I felt like a fresh piece of meat at the market, and I didn’t want all the prospective buyers feeling free to examine the package. I found most men to be awkward, pushy, and insistent. When I met the love bomber, he seemed sweet, understanding, helpful, and to be looking for the same things I wanted. I did not realize he was mirroring my values to delude me into marriage. I did not know he expected to have access to the hard earned assets I received from the dissolution of my first marriage. I did not know that although he had some amazing job skills, he could not hold down a job.

        I believe now that due to FOO programing I viewed marriage as a safe haven where you could live like an adult in a sexual relationship, and would have a life partner to build a life together, and raise your children. The alternative, living in a sexual cesspool of avid players, was definitely not what I wanted.

        I have found that many men view porn as a primer, a textbook of the sex world available and new things they have not tried. They feel they have missed out. They learn to view women as body parts and only there to please them. The porn moves them on and on to more depraved activities, in order to experience a thrill. It is an addictive drug of the mind.

        This view of women does not liberate women. We are all entitled to consider and try new things, as consenting adults. We are also able to say NO. Declining something sexual does not make you a prude, it makes you selective about what appeals to you. It makes you choosy. It is your right to decide whether you want to participate. Sex is not something another person should expect at the end of a date designed to get to know each other. That date is designed to see if you are compatible. Often, you are not.

        I have tried to date after my last divorce. I took time, and I think my picker is finally fixed (I do believe we are all works in progress). I decided I was not interested in being proactive in any way in the dating world. I am not on any dating sites. I do not go places seeking available men. I go out to events I am interested in, mostly music since I love music. If I am ever attracted again, it will be to someone who has my interests already, and who has proven himself to be a reliable and reciprocal friend.

        If I never date again, that is fine by me. I’m not going back to the meat market. I don’t need a man to mansplain what my sex life should be, I am a full grown, independent woman, I take care of myself. I don’t need a man to take care of. I don’t need to live with a liar. Independent activities should not be euphemisms for going to meet other women. Either you want a monogamous relationship, or you don’t. If you want to search for infinite variety, have at it, but please don’t call me!

        • I so agree with you. Porn is not a “textbook for sex” as my ex called it. It exploits people and sets up highly unrealistic expectations. Those poor actors have to be willing to do anything for money because that’s the market, and it’s just evil. A pastor friend of mine who is also a therapist knows some of my story, and one day he shared how very many marriage problems he counsels for that are made worse or kicked off by porn addiction (a.k.a. perversion) in one or both partners. It was shocking to me. I told both of my kids what he said.

          And contrary to what my ex believed, the relationship is far more important than the sex. If the relationship is rotten, bringing in perversion isn’t going to make the sex and the relationship better.

          Like you, dating is way off my radar. My divorce attorney encouraged me to date again when I was signing, and I told him that present company excluded, I’m not real happy with men in general. He treated me like a big brother at times and gave me so much more than just the law. He celebrated his 40th with his wife during the divorce process and clearly loved and respected her (she was the practice manager). I know there are good men out there like my attorney and my pastor friend, but I’m not going looking. I’m perfectly fine as-is.

          • The stuff I read on this site just helps cement my decision to stay single – and helps me realise how badly abused I could have been by my “nice” ex if I’d stayed with him (thankfully, I was protected by, ironically, the usual mental health issues that had only flared up in all my previous romantic relationships, except this time there were added sirens going off in my head. I tried to ride it out, but had to leave in the end. I didn’t understand any of it until I started therapy, and reading comments here has also been educational).

        • Meat market. That’s exactly what it feels like… and, I’m afraid, it’s not just men behaving this way. I’ve noticed that if you speak up agains this behavior, other women will join in on the name calling and accuse you of shaming them.

          It’s a sad state of affairs.

      • I feel this way about “vanilla”. I could rant all day about the devaluing way people who like their sex harmful devalue healthy sex and intimacy.

        • Yes.

          I enjoyed our sex life, and I thought he did too, he either did or he lied; maybe both. He never disparaged our sex life, but he spent several years (maybe our whole marriage) with other women behind my back, so evidently I didn’t quite do it for him.

          • It hurts my heart to hear you phrase your fuckwits sexual misbehavior in terms of your ability to satisfy his desires. It is far more often about their inability to form bonds and narcissistic self-centeredness. Please take yourself off the hook for his behavior.

            • Thank you Bruno. But, I of course know that now. Heck, my ex FW admitted it to my daughter in law after our divorce. He told her I was very attractive and sex was never an issue between us, he just got caught up in his ego. To give him credit he even wrote me a letter of apology, which meant nothing to me at the time, it was too soon to mean anything.

              He went on to cheat on schmoops a lot after they were married. I don’t know what excuse he gave her, but wasn’t my problem by then. As I have mentioned before, she wanted my life, she got it.

              I was blessed to go on to find love again, with a normal man who valued love and commitment.

        • Vanilla is a rare and precious spice, sensuous and complex, valued for its delicate yet powerful essence. It is an expensive luxury because it takes years to cultivate and only grows in very specific conditions and climates.

          • …It’s cultivation requires great care and attention, and each orchid must be pollinated by hand. Which is to say, fuckwits can’t grow vanilla because they don’t know how to take proper care of anything that requires commitment and true intimacy – and they certainly aren’t entitled to it. Cheaters, with their unsophisticated and undiscerning tastebuds, can have their cheap imitations. I taste the difference and for me the extra cost is worth it; I use it judiciously and appreciate every drop.

          • To me what you wrote pretty much describes what committed life/sex should be like. Two people who love each other providing just the right conditions for healthy and flavorful sex life. A situation that takes years to cultivate and if done properly will provide a life time of wonderful flavor and good feelings.

            I like to think that is how God intended it to be.

      • This is horrifying. I dated after I kicked XH to the curb and no one ever mentioned this to me. Hard pass if they had!

      • My stbx wanted to choke me too—told me on a weekend away that our mc recommended. I was horrified. I’m claustrophobic and have anxiety. For him to suggest choking sent me running from the hotel room. I literally cried for 2 hours outside in the beautiful mountains of Utah. Other guests were sitting, in couple pairs or family groups, by the fire pits. He, meanwhile, sat in our hotel room, wanking off and most likely texting his prostitute. When I returned to the room he acted like there was nothing wrong. “Everyone does it. It’s not like I’d choke you to death. I am a doctor after all”.

          • Faithful Rage was told by a cheater that the MC recommended choking (blech – I feel disgusted just typing that). At first I believed my ex when he said his own counselor believed it was OK for him to keep credit card info from me – eventually I realized ex lied about that too.

            There are pervy MCs but odds are that was NOT recommended by that MC. Cheaters lie as often as they breathe!

            • My individual therapist actually recommended I watch porn to help me “get over” the trauma of “feeling” like I was sexually violated by the affair.

              This after I disclosed that I couldn’t see people kiss without being triggered.

        • “Choking” is itself a euphemism, or, at least, a misnomer that minimizes what is actually going on. It’s not “choking,” it’s strangulation. So what they are really saying is “I’d like to strangle you.”

      • Friend of Chump…sadly yes. horrible. horrible! how about “rape play” and somehow the word “play” is supposed to change the intent and the act. I refer to the fuckwit now as “respondent”

        • The rape play scares me. I have an ex girlfriend who wanted me to enter her house randomly and rape her as it was her fetish. Needless to say our relationship did not last and I told her that I like many things but that is just to out there for me.

          • uh, holy shit yea, that sounds like a set-up for a criminal charge! Depending on her level of crazy, that is one dangerous game to not get involved with.

            • It was one of my first thoughts that what if we break up or she gets all crazy on me and then says oh he raped me and them having to try and prove it was her fetish. I’ve often wondered if something had happened in her past as I’ve never had any requests like that ever since and non of my friends have been asked by girls for similar. Either way, that really put me off her altogether and she was telling me she loved me after like four weeks. Barely know someone and they are saying they are in love.

              • Sounds like you dodged a borderline personality disordered woman 🤪

      • My thought on this is that consent and trust are the keys to any of this being an acceptable thing. Someone who loves or cares about you should NEVER pressure you into something you’re not willing to do. The semantics of it are…yeah…definitely meant to make people who might not otherwise be comfortable with it do it lest they be considered a prude, which is definitely bullshit. Last time I checked, vanilla is a flavor too.

      • There was an article (maybe in The Atlantic) about porn and dating these days and it used the terms “choking without consent” and “surprise anal” and my first thought was thank God I’m married.

          • I also had single friends telling me about unsolicited nude pics guys would send. For all the things to be pissed with FW about after d-day, somehow the horror of re-entering the dating pool manage to pop into my head fairly early on.

      • One “dating” euphemism is “friends with benefits” (FWB). Your average woman imagines a friendship where they go to museums, hikes or do friendship things. But her prospective date expects her to be down for booty calls almost immediately with no friendship activites.

        One media story I read, which was suppose to be light and funny, was kind of horrible. Her hook up peed on her floor and left without a word in the morning. I guess he was hungover or something. But to me it sounded like asking a man to be house trained is putting a string on sex.

      • Read The NY Times Sunday edition magazine article “Getting to No” by Melissa Febos April 4th

  • ex called his ow, his girlfriend, shame he didn’t tell me, about her. he actually asked me to feel sorry for her. he claimed he liked her because she didn’t want her kids. wasn’t too fond of his own kids either. always had money to do what he wanted none for his kids, convenient that isn’t it. the ow had counseling I bet the people she threatened to kill didn’t have counseling, sad bitch.
    forgot to mention some of ow had sti(s) but not hiv according to fuckwit ex, classy

  • My favorites “the marriage didn’t work out” …no, you anhilated it with your offenses.

    “You were the one who kicked me out and wanted a divorce”
    What was my choice? Show my girls how to be a doormat , or a woman who doesn’t take shit?

    • “You were the one who kicked me out and wanted a divorce” That one makes my blood boil! In my case my kids threatened to move out if I let him come back, his abuse (by way of mood swings) had spiraled out of control. You really don’t have a choice and then they paint themselves as a victim…….

    • “You were the one who kicked me out and wanted a divorce”

      OMG that is what my ex wife said too! She stated “you’re the one who filed for divorce, you left us!”
      Lets ignore the huge level of cheating and how when caught she kept on cheating.

    • I got this too. Still in the early throes of dealing with forced cohabitation, she was getting very frustrated with (a) my gray rock means of communicating, and (b) not automatically going along with every suggestion she had on what the future would look like (e.g., that we should sell the house and all move downstate to a community where we could each get apartments near each other, things like that)

      ” . . . but, you CHOSE this!” as I was emptying the dishwasher and had knives in my hand.

      It’s a miracle either one of us survived that moment.

        • Preach! My ex told me daughter that *I* was the one for whom it was all too much (thus attempting to subtly pass the buck to my reaction being the issue and not what he did). Uh, damn straight!

  • “I am going to go ride along with one of the guys” (Police Officer).

    As bad as that euphemism is, even worse is I accepted it. “Ok, be careful out there”

    • “I have picked up an extra flight”
      I will be flying the flight attendant, not an actual airplane. (airline pilot)

      • “I was providing excellent customer service!” (consultant)
        They shared a king corner suite for 5 days at a conference. He actually had the gall to say this to me when I stumbled upon their reservation and questioned him about it.

    • For me it was “Going for a swim with [Male Friend] at the YMCA”. Problem was this was after the gyms had all closed due to the pandemic. At the time I thought a small, private organization like the Y might be able to stay open even though my gym had closed. Looking back though I suspect this male friend was an OM (in addition to the confirmed OW).

      I don’t even want to think about who was swimming in what.

      • Nope. My local Y closed at the beginning of the pandemic, right before I renewed my membership. 🏊‍♀️

  • “I never meant to hurt you.” = I like hurting you, it’s a perk.

    Slightly off topic, I’m sick of using the term “sex addict” because it is so false, a false term for a fake illness. I think the good, old-fashioned and robust word “PERVERT” fits their behavior and who they are so much better.

    • Yes,
      “I never meant to hurt you” = I did whatever the heck I pleased with no concern whatsoever if it would hurt you.

      I agree about the “sex addict” thing…its a stupid excuse that commandeers actual sickness to excuse lasciviousness.

    • “I never meant to hurt you”- I knew this would destroy you, and did it anyway. I’m so important look at how hurt you are over me.

    • “I’m sick of using the term “sex addict” because it is so false, a false term for a fake illness. I think the good, old-fashioned and robust word “PERVERT” fits their behavior and who they are so much better.” Yes!!

      Or even worse, they are just proud of their high libido and “open mind”… -__-

  • Married couples should not be Facebook friends with each other: I am using Facebook to find and set up hookups with exes and using the messenger ap to communicate with them.

    I am not having an affair: Good luck catching me…..

    I am on a camping trip with the guys and there is no cell reception where we go: I am fucking around.

    I am going out of town on business – I am fucking around.

    I am going with a group of people from work to a football game at my alma mater – enjoy your weekend alone with the kids : I am fucking around with someone from work.

    I would never cheat on you or leave you: I want to dump you on my own terms….

    • I would never cheat on you or leave you: I want to dump you on my own terms….
      ^He said that to me when I told him that I thought our marriage was falling apart, let me know that we were just in a “slump”… he must have been between affairs at that time 😒

    • This all sounds familiar. The going to places with no cell reception, to lots of “male” only activities. When I was getting wise to his ways and would question his work trip he would say “I’m working to provide for our family, and doing right by you.”- aka fucking the howorker

      • Hilarious! Mine too:

        “SOMEBODY has to work around here!” (in other words, “I am the all important breadwinner, I am the big important and well-regarded man who supports my bon-born eating wife and the kids”. Truth = not so hardworking, instead spending hours on the phone with the woman on the other coast, planning their next trip to a resort – aka ‘a business trip’).

        • I have heard that too “somebody has to work around here!”- I can hide money, and string you along, I am important.
          That was usually followed with “you don’t have it so bad, look around”- please don’t look around, you will see its all a sham, you’re my house slave and will like it.

          Also WAAY overselling how “hard” he works. When I finally payed closer attention to actions and not his words, realized that was a load of major, B.S. He has a cake walk life with plenty of time and opportunity to cheat. Company sponsored dinners and trips with the whore.

          • What you wrote brought back a long forgotten memory, “You have it sooooo good.” As if I only married him because he was such a success story. We were married in our 20s, so no – no big success at that point. We were starting out as equals, just making our way.

            My divorce attorney immediately had his number: “If he is golfing with a client, he will claim that the entire four hours was all business”.

            Can’t believe I was married to such a cliche.

    • ‘I am not having an affair’
      I got these exact words and later realized they are clear evidence of lying. Because apparently, if you ask somebody if there’s somebody else… an honest answer would be a yes or a no…answer to the question. I wasn’t even thinking affair… I was thinking that maybe at most he had a crush on somebody and it was only in his mind.
      I never mentioned an affair. And that formal language: I. Am. Not. Having. An. Affair.
      Innocent me, I answered “of course you’re not.”

      • Right!? Its kind of like “its not an affair, its a relationship” or whatever they want to spin it. They love to get all black and white over details, that all mean the same thing.

  • “I’m more than just a mother and wife”:
    yes, you’re a total skank cheating with dozens of men and cheated ten years previously in which my daughter may not even be mine. In fact, as an Arsenal supporter, she was sexting more than the entire Arsenal team on a daily basis. That’s just the cheating that was discovered. God knows what else was going on.

    “It was cat fishing”:
    Yeap, someone within half mile of our house posted a profile on Tinder knowing exact details and photos and even managed to spell some words wrong the way she always did and her profile stated she had a boyfriend who wanted to watch her fuck other men in front of him! then said profile vanished within 20 minutes of my friend and I finding it. What a thoughtful cat fisher.

    • “I’m going hiking with my camera” = meeting up with my affair partner in the woods.
      (From a person who HATES camping, bugs, and anything outdoorsy.)

      • MrWonderful out of nowhere took a day off work and went “hiking with a book.” Hadn’t mentioned to me that he was taking the day off. Suddenly he calls me at work to say he needs me to pick him up. What? From where? The trail head where he parked his car. We were living in Hawaii and while he was off “hiking” some brahs broke into his car and stripped it. It had to be towed and he had no way home. I was in shock. I went to pick him up and no wedding ring on. Where is it? Oh, didn’t want it to get damaged while “hiking” so he had left it in the car where it was stolen.

        That car was his baby so I laughed to myself when it was considered a total loss by his insurance. Then he paid 5 figures to restore it. 🙄

      • Yes the out of the blue sudden change in things like hiking. She never in 15 years wanted to go for walks alone and suddenly wanted to get exercise which was so out of the ordinary for her. I said sure go for walks and what not, turned out she was meeting him in his car at the park and sending me photos of her in the park before she met him. I knew something was up as it was just out of character and normally she would take a child with her but not these times. They seem to think we are stupid. God I just want to meet a normal girl who is not a pathological lying serial cheater. Is that too much to ask.

  • “What’s that got to do with it?!” = I can’t believe you found out and had the gall to ask.

  • I’ve told this one before but I filed for divorce on grounds of adultery ( she was pregnant with my husbands baby and it was ALL over the Internet i.e Facebook , Instagram , Pinterest etc) it wasn’t difficult to prove .

    Anyway I got a letter from the fat bastards lawyer saying fat bastard denied he was having an affair but admits he was having an inappropriate relationship for being a married man .

    Oh ok is that what we are calling getting your Ho worker pregnant ? Fair enough

    • That reminded me of another one: “I have been dating for ten years” “dating” I guess that was what the kids were calling it then.

      I did have the presence of mind, though I don’t know how to say, no you aren’t dating, you are committing adultery. He got pissed and walked out. Sadistic bastard.

    • They are so disordered! I know it shouldn’t shock me but still I am over the amount of lies and denial they use.

  • I actually think “cheating” is way too friendly sounding for what chumps experience. I don’t know if there is a word for when Aztec priests used to cut and rip the heart from a living victim as a human sacrifice, and hold the spurting bloody heart aloft for all to see, but if there is a word for that I think it comes closer than “cheating” for what is done to us.

    • I agree. I’ve read the term soul rape before, probably here, and I think that’s the euphemism that most accurately captures it.

    • “Soul murder” as John Bradshaw would say. Marie-France Hirigoyen discusses how emotional abuse does this in her book “Stalking the Soul”. Horrid if you experienced it.

  • “You live in the past”= “can’t you drop my fuckedupness already?”

    “She’s just a friend”=“she lets me fuck her whenever I want.”

    “Why can’t you trust me?”=“I know you can’t trust me but, that’s your problem. I will not change.”

    • These are so good!
      “Why can’t you trust me?”- I will do nothing to earn or deserve your trust, but I deserve it because I’m entitled.

      • Slight variation to the challenge: things cheaters say that ARE true that we don’t believe…
        “I know that what I say has about as much weight as a bubble now…” yes, TRUE! (And isn’t it a shame that I believed what followed that true statement, instead.)

        Truth from a cheater is a unicorn, for even truthful statements are wrapped in deception and delivered with manipulation.

        • “Nobody believes a word I say because I am nothing but a liar” said in a sarcastic voice when he was having the sadz because the kids refuse to speak to him. As they say truer words were never spoken.

  • I knew a woman who got suspicious when her husband always took off for hours at a time to ‘go shopping for bath towels’ on the weekends. This was pre-Amazon – and they had no shortage of bath towels. So, not a euphemism, but she turned it into a joke that became a code phrase among her circle of friends.

    • What man who is married has ever gone on a normal basis to buy bath towels? That in a typical marriage falls to the women (not being sexist but in the UK it’s really something the woman would take control of doing).

      • Exactly! It was the most bizarre excuse. He apparently did do the laundry on occasion, however.

        • Obviously I don’t know the man but one would think and my ex wife would not have been suspicious of me doing it as it did this often, I would go to tool stores and drool over the tools. I’m into DIY and I love Milwaukee and DeWalt so it’s common for me to spend an afternoon doing just that. I’ve know husbands to sneak off to the Snap-on truck and hiding their new tools from the wife. If I said oohh I’m away for bath towels she would have been instantly suspicious of me lol.

  • He told me over and over that he and Susan of Seattle had a “connection” (gah, vomit) and his voice got all sing-songy when he said it, like they invented connectedness.

    It was a stupid crush that people get when they are dating someone. That activity you promise to no longer do when you get married.

    I once called her his “girlfriend” and he recoiled “she is not my ‘girlfriend’ “…… “yes she is, you go on dates with each other and plan your future, she is your girlfriend”

    • Unicornomore, Ugh … I got the we had ‘a connection’ too. I’m sure people open to cheating have ‘connections’ all the time.
      I asked mine (he was my 2ndH) if he had ever cheated on his exW (we had previously discussed this while dating and he had said neither of them cheated and I had believe that). When he was discarding me I was sure he must have cheated on his ex-wife too – he was the one to end his last marriage ( I learned later on quite suddenly).
      He said ‘Never, I’ve never wanted to cheat until now.’ Married Office whore was so magnetizing that he supposedly had a complete change of character for her.
      He almost sounded proud. And now I don’t believe for a second that somebody just ups and develops shitty character in his 50’s.

      • “He said ‘Never, I’ve never wanted to cheat until now.’”

        Did you offer him a Bitch Cookie?

        • Good one. I hadn’t found this site at that point so it was just salt to my wound. Like he had left his ex-wife, check. But he had never wanted to cheat on her (in a long marriage). … I got he wanted to cheat on me (short marriage) and leave me. What an ass.

          I also got that he was ‘very worried about me’ because I was still in such agonizing pain months after the discard.

      • ” I don’t believe for a second that somebody just ups and develops shitty character in his 50’s.”

        I absolutely agree. Or 40s or any other adult age. Unless there is a concentrated effort to make a change in ones life, and if that happened we would have seen it.

  • “You’re living in the past” I was told shortly after dday. No clue what that meant except he went on to marry someone who wasn’t born when we married & our marriage lasted over 24 years.

    • Hurt1. Your marriage was your present. That’s a ridiculous thing to say about living in the past. Just because they can pack everything in a box, put it to the curb and just want to “move on,” doesn’t mean that non-disordered real people with feelings can do the same.

      • The whole of everything is ridiculous. Still stunned after all these years that he was capable of throwing me to the curb.

        Not too long after he moved out he had the water turned off. I came home from work for lunch to find no water & checked with a neighbor. He had water so I called the utility & was told that service was discontinued because asshat told them he moved out! Utility told me it would be $60 to change the name on the bill & to turn the water back on the next day. I went back to work in tears. One of my coworkers knew someone at the utility who came out to turn on water within the hour plus had name switched at no charge. I was in the blabby tell all stage at that point & the utility man kindly listened & said that no real man would ever do that. Kindness of strangers. Don’t know why I thought of this awful event as it was stored in the way, way back of my brain.

        • That made me tear up. That is awful to have to deal with. I am so glad your coworker intervened.

  • Ex called his AP his wife ( while I was still his wife). To people we both know which is how I heard. Disgusting. As far as I know they have not gotten married.

    • Awful.

      My ex got engaged to his whore just about two months after we were legally separated; they couldn’t even wait until the divorce was final. I honestly by then, really didn’t care as much; but I think it opened they eyes of a lot of his friends.

    • Sick. Months after separating, Fuckwitt referred to his kids and hers as ‘all of our children’ in a conversation we were having. They are sick people.

    • Ditto, here. The AP is his wife and I have been downgraded to roommate. News to me. The government and the IRS still seem to think we are married… just saying!

    • I hope you get a good settlement, don’t settle for less.

      Once the agreement is legal, turn to him and say “fuckwit, go forth and fill all the voids you want to”

    • I meditated and I recommend asking for a second session if you get overwhelmed.
      I wish I had.

      I got most of what I wanted, but after 5 hours, I was tired.

  • Besides calling him The Cowardly Liar?

    I guess I have to go with “practice before a gig” and “work late” at the top of the “actually meant I was putting my penis in other people” list.

    “Fits my anesthetic” meant “is also married and looks good and will have sex with me” OR “is underage, younger the better, and looks good and will have sex with me” and never ever meant “person I married”.

    And “my past” meant “this is the thing I blame for causing me to do all the harmful things I do so none of them are ever my bad thing”.

    • God, I fucking hate autoincorrect.

      Fits my
      A
      E
      S
      T
      H
      E
      T
      I
      C

      Not anesthetic. Cheezus.

      Why does it change what I carefully edited after I post? Almost as maddening as a cheater. 😂

  • My ex used the euphemism below (and this chump fell for them all). None of these is clever or original, which makes sense. He was a boring man. Also how unoriginal for a doctor to hook up with a young nurse?:

    Gotta work late=fucking at the hotel or her house

    Goin’ fishing (for hours)=fucking at a hotel or in his car

    Hiking for a few days/need time to think=make sure the OW is locked down before monkey branching to her. Can’t be alone. Calculate how and when to drop the bomb.

    In the immediate aftermath of Dday:
    We just fell in love=obvious meaning; That I bought her gifts, booked hotels and flights, had her to our house was all so…accidental, just a natural consequence of twu luv.

    I was naive=Always blame another person. She seduced me!!! I bear no responsibility.

    Just one lie=I lied for years and years and years

  • My ex accused me of being “ugly” when I called his 5 times married ex gf who he kept on the side a trashy whore.

    Because keeping your 5 times married trashy whore ex gf on the side isn’t the issue…it’s him being made uncomfortable by her being called a trashy whore.

    I’d say the fact that she’s been in his life for at least 16 years now and nobody else knows who she is suggests that he in fact does know she’s a trashy whore and doesn’t want his carefully constructed phony image to be jeopardized by a trashy whore. He also doesn’t fool as many people as he thinks.

    But since this is a 65 year old man who is grey all over except for the shitty jet black toupee that he thinks nobody knows about maybe he really believes his image management works.

    LOL.

    • “Because keeping your 5 times married trashy whore ex gf on the side isn’t the issue…it’s him being made uncomfortable by her being called a trashy whore.”

      Well to be fair they really like to think that she is a sweet innocent damsel who just could not resist his “charms” translated, she can’t resist my huge and powerful dick, she is not a whore. Doesn’t matter that she couldn’t resist a bunch of huge and powerful married dicks before me, I am special. She lurvs me, she is not after my benefits and paycheck.

      The whore in my fws case, had been married three times. and had screwed with a bunch of married city employees, until she finally got the brass ring of my low life H. She along with his own actions fucked up his quickly and completely, so there is that.

      • In my ex’s case the joke’s on her.

        Not only is his dick not powerful…it doesn’t work at all without expensive pills.

        And his paycheck isn’t that great. I’m pretty sure she makes a lot more.

        You’d think she could do better.

        Dumb bitch.

    • 100% Kim. I called the slut a slut( because it takes a slut to f#ck a married man I. His wife’s bed, bed at the cottage, bed at the house in Florida). He said hey watch it. No sir I don’t think I will, I’ll call it as I see it—slut.

    • I also called OW a whore and he got all feminist on me. That word is used to denigrate women, there’s not an equivalent term for him, yada yada yada. He said I did not look like the bigger person when I used words like that. Well my response to that did not help things…

      • Whore works for both men and women. Synonyms include hustler, grifter and cheater.

        But yeah, it is somewhat amusing when they gat all up in the back over calling a whore a whore.

      • I call my XH a whore all the time because a) there is no reason it should be a gendered insult and b) the shoe fits. Red flag #1,067 was when he told me the OW and suspected OM, both community college students, paid him to take their exams for them online. I actually saw him taking their exams but I sometimes wonder if he wasn’t also paid for other services rendered.

        There is also the time he asked me to buy him a flat screen TV as a “parting gift” and the time his eyes lit up when I mentioned there was a gay man on Craigslist offering free accommodation to a sufficiently attractive young man. Had he not gotten the condo in the divorce I think he may have taken that road.

        Whether he really traded sex for money or not he has the mindset of a prostitute except that actual sex workers are honest about banging other people. I hope he didn’t. Because being deprived of sex by a sex worker who gives it to anyone willing to spot him a few bucks would be the ultimate humiliation for me. Especially since I was the one paying his living expenses for the duration of the marriage.

  • After 35 years married he said “I don’t want to be like the normal married man.. I want to be single”. If it wasn’t my heart breaking when he said that it may have been funny. 😢

  • I’m working late-I’m cheating.
    I had a flat tire-I’m cheating.
    I have a meeting-I’m cheating.
    I have to run an errand- I’m cheating.
    I got arrested but they let me go around 3 in the morning because they didn’t have anything on me- I was cheating and I fell asleep.
    I’m going to pick us up some bagels for breakfast- I’m going to call the OW I’m cheating on you with.
    She’s crazy- one of the OW with whom I cheated on you.

    • Ha! I think yours and mine compared notes; they’re lines are similar. Here’s some of my (ex)wife’s lines…
      “I’m working late tonight” – I’m playing hide-the-baton with Sgt Sugardick
      “I’m going in early” – I need some breakfast “sausage” from Sgt Sugardick
      I’m going out for a little while – …for a quickie with Sgt Sugardick
      I’m going to Orange Theory – did I mention classes are at Sgt Sugardick’s house?
      I’m going to (unknown girlfriend’s) house; she’s having a football party – Sgt Sugardick wants to discuss tight-end, namely mine.
      “I just need some space” – …away from you, ’cause you’re harshing my cheater life!
      “He’s just a friend” – …whom I like to be naked and intimate with.
      “It’s not the way it looks” – it’s exactly the way it looks!

  • I think if my ex had been honest, he would have said the same.

    As I see it, he saw an opportunity that he didn’t want to pass up because life is short.

    YOLO=To hell with your spouse and family! To hell with your commitments! To hell with your family!! If it feels good, do it.

    Of course, he neglected to see the flip side of YOLO, which is YCYL (you cheat, you lose…your entire family.) Now he has the sadz. It was the OW’s fault that he “strayed,” and it’s my fault that I couldn’t forgive and that the kids want NOTHING to do with him. He’s at the mercy of women, apparently.

    • I think my ex went all YOLO as well when a much younger woman gave him attention. He also used a variation of “it just happened” – his was “we didn’t mean for it to happen, we just fell in love” like he was referring to spilling a glass of red wine on a white tablecloth. Also, mine like yours did not know that behavior has consequences, like losing your family! I guess after 20 years of exactly zero consequences it must have come as quite a shock. BooFreakingHoo – at least now they are torturing someone else. I love YCYL by the way 😊

  • “I need time to get my head together” meant just what he said. He was so stupid, his first online AP turned out to be a romance scam, and after DDay, he needed to find a REAL younger partner so he could get his little head together with her genitals.

  • “I want us to be friends”
    I want you to roll over so I can continue to abuse you, but with a happy face!
    (Cue “Always Look on the Bright Side of Life” from “The Life of Brian”.)

    • Haha. Life of Brian references are always appreciated.

      Also, mine said the same thing. Friends for life!!! Also, “I will always care about you.” If the FW cared about me so much, then he never would have….oh, never mind.

      • Mine didn’t use the “Hope we can be friends until after he left”

        Yeah, no thanks. Friend this…

        • Oh yea. The comment came after we’d parted ways, and I’d said, “You’re dead to me.” Fun times.

          I’m butchering CL’s analogy, but it’s like stabbing someone and then saying, “Hey, can we still be friends?” Of course, mine added the oh-so-weird, “Can we get back together in, say, 3 years?” What an effed-up man he was/is!!! Truly disordered.
          The OW has him now, and I’M FREE!!

          #almostTuesday

          • I think I mentioned this before, but I am certain my fw thought he could keep me pining long enough to turn me into the OW once he married the whore.

            Imagine that thrill for a fuckwit. Oh well, best laid plans and all…

          • OMG Nitwit said the exact same thing about getting back together in 3 years. There truly is a cheaters’ handbook somewhere. He also said, “You’ll never get over me.” Translation: You, slave, shall pine over me for the rest of your miserable life, ignoring all the more ethical and better endowed men out there because it’s what you deserve.

            Hmm, sleep deprivation, sex deprivation, snide criticism, public humiliation, sad sausage tales, constant drama. Hard to say which part of my life with him I’d miss the most.

            • “Hmm, sleep deprivation, sex deprivation, snide criticism, public humiliation, sad sausage tales, constant drama. Hard to say which part of my life with him I’d miss the most.”

              Right? It is amazing how fast the love fades when we get away from them for a bit. My biggest regret was when he was moving out I left a note that told him, I would always love him. Which I meant when I wrote it.

              Two months later, my walls were singing, and I was so thankful to be out and away from that asshole. I had enough distance to actually see what a rat faced bastard he really was.

              • Susie Lee me too!! As he left I said to him that when it all goes wrong between him and ho worker then I would be waiting and at the time I truly meant it… Oh my what a chump 🤦🏼‍♀️. Its so much better at home without him now. He was an energy vampire and would kill any fun the family tried to have. I just spackled way too much.

    • Mine also wants to be friends. Apparently on and off again AP doesn’t hold any hard feelings so why should I??????

  • “I have to run out to the store”- gotta call the OW real fast, she’s needy
    “Going to work on the boat”- going to f- OW
    “Going to have drinks with Bill”- going to spend time with OW, her husband left her and she needs me
    “Going to hunting club”- weekend with OW
    “I’ve been working out”- that’s bullshit and we both know that if I actually exercised I may collapse, just been fing the OW
    “Why don’t you trust me?’- Just give me the blank check to annihilate.
    “I’m doing what’s right for our family.”- I’m on a trip with the OW
    “That cell phone doesn’t work”- It’s my secret phone and you weren’t supposed to find that.
    “Everyone else can do their job in peace”- They aren’t fucking around on their spouses and that makes life so much easier for them. It all your fault for catching me and making this so difficult for ME.

    • “Why don’t you trust me”; eventually that morphed into” why are you questioning me?” After being harangued with those long enough along with “everyone knows I’m a great guy who would never cheat on you” and “your past is clouding your judgement about me”- I eventually gave up and never questioned him about anything. Where the money was going, where he was going, was he really working that much overtime, were his Saturday workouts really 3 hours long, why did he he suddenly insist on doing his own laundry which he announced as a punishment to me for being a shitty wife. Apparently, that pissed him off as well! He made it a point to remind me over and over during the divorce that I never questioned what he was up to so I apparently did not care about him or what he was doing! I was destined to fail in his eyes no matter how I reacted to his behavior.

  • “You’re blinded by your self-righteousness.”

    Translation: You’re such a goody-two-shoes. You always do the right thing, and you make me look bad. I will now make shit up about you in order to smear you.

    • Spinach🤣🤣🤣 how self-righteous of you to think that your partner would keep his promises! What a mental mindfuck he was.

    • Oh Spinach so much of your story is like mine.

      That reminded me of once when he walked in the house, and we were due at a Christmas party; I said “we are late” He went off on me, (screaming fit) and told me every time he walks in the house I make him feel guilty. I never once in our last year, and rarely before that questioned his whereabouts, I should have; but quite frankly I think I was afraid to. But, hell yes he felt guilty every time he walked in the house, why wouldn’t he? I should have told him to jam his Christmas party up his ass, but I meekly pick me danced.

    • I got “you’re so perfect” – which meant I hired a pi and you aren’t cheating on me. Now I will set up some shit to video and try to make you look crazy.

      • Longtime Chump,

        I’m impressed you hired a PI. That is actually “perfect.”

        Mine tried to make me look crazy, too. He didn’t videotape me, which is beyond awful, but he did set up a very crazy-making situation that caused me to truly lose my shit. And then he sat back to watch the show. He seemed eerily pleased with his success. I will never forget the look on his face. I seemed wild with anger while he was cool as a cuke. And he loved it. This was immediately before Dday when he was trying to make his case for his affair (reverse engineer his rationale).

        G*d dammit.

        • My ex did the same. Set up several situations at his mother’s birthday weekend. With the help of his 22 year old niece. It was intended to make me look crazy in front of his family. I started playing ball, then stopped. My father was dying in another part of the country. I was stressed out of my head. I shouldn’t have been at the party at all. I was only there because the toxic mother in law made such a fuss if people didn’t do what she wanted. Instead of taking the car and driving to my father’s hospital, I walked around in the rain looking for a cab! And he smirked, and smiled, and sulked and drank. And I carried on as normal, while they all knew what was going on. This was 2 months before DDay. It was the most traumatic, poisonous part of the discard. I hope he and his niece and his family rot in hell for what they did. And I am working on loving myself so that it never happens again. At 61.

  • “I’m seeing someone”. What my then husband confessed to on D-day. That sounds so much better than I’m committing adultery, cheating, and screwing the other woman.

    • Yep

      “I have been dating this girl, and we are in love”

      Girl was a fat assed 35 year old slut who had been married three times, with three almost grown assed kids. She had not seen “girl” in many moons. I guess the fact that she was five years younger than him/me, made her a sweet young thang.

      Quite frankly, the gulf between what these idiots see and reality is breathtaking.

      • They trade down every time. It may always be obvious at first, with the shiny fake appearances of some, but it is never an upgrade.

        Mine picked a woman older than me, and already on her second marriage (which ended due to her affair with my husband). Also with grown children, which means she gave birth as a teenager. He always acted like people like her were so beneath him. Her picture is beside bitch and thirsty whore in the urban dictionary. But never less, she can have the sparkly turd.

        • Yep. In my case the trade down was pretty obvious, but even for those who present a decent picture they do. As you said, it takes a whore… and a whoremonger to do the deed. Can they both change into better people, sure; but how many times does that actually happen? They get worse.

          Yep about the teen birth. I actually just found that out recently that she got pregnant at 15, the guy did marry her evidently; but it didn’t last long before he cheated on her. Then a second marriage and I believe a third. She was evidently very troubled. I mean folks who will sneak around in the dark are, just as he was; but in her case it appears even more so.

          I actually kind of feel sorry for her, evidently after he retired he refused to buy her health insurance and she almost went blind from her cataracts getting so bad. His excuse, she had a chance to get on disability; but she refused to keep trying for it, so she could do without. Buying her insurance via his work would have cost him too much.

          After ACA came on board, my son was able to research and find her a low cost plan to at least get her C surgery done. My guess is he was pretty abusive to her. While part of me thinks, well you wanted my life, the other part says; but no one deserves abuse.

          It has been a rough year for my son (and me) his dad died in Jan, and in Feb my brother and his wife (who he was very close to) both died on the same day (different causes). My son is executor of their estate, and I have been helping him, we spent some time together in TX clearing the house and we talked a lot. He needed to get things out and it has been long enough that it doesn’t hurt me like it would have years ago.

          So I have found out some things from my son and daughter in law that explains so much.

          • So sorry, that sounds really tough. That shows a lot of character that he helped her, and that you helped him despite all they put you through. It does seem like there are so many secrets that some continue to trickle forever. At least you are in a place that learning anything new won’t cause a spiral.

            • Thanks. Losing my brother who was my best friend has just about done me in.

              I might not have been clear. I didn’t help my son with his dads estate, thank God he was not executor of that estate, he went to the memorial service and walked away from that family. He won’t stay involved with them now that his dad is gone, as they are takers and they would consume him. Too much bad history.

              I am helping him with my brothers estate. My son and my brother had plans for when my son moved to TX this summer, and now those plans are gone.

              • So sorry to hear about your brother & his wife. You are always so kind when replying to posts. Sending comforting thoughts & hugs to both you & your son.

            • Thanks Spinach and Hurt1.

              Yes as my son said, so far not a fan of 2021. or 2020 for that matter, I lost my oldest brother last Nov.

              The shining light is that my husband and I adopted my brothers sweet little dog. When he adopted the dog a while back, he made me promise if anything happened to him, I would give him a home. Of course I said yes, and I meant it, but I never even imagined and I am sure he didn’t either. His wife had been ill for a while, but his own situation hit fast and hard.

              He is a sweet dog though, and we adore him already.

              Thanks all

        • ” None of it really counted because she had a fat stomach, and she encouraged me, and we didn’t have conventional intercourse.”

          Yup, I kid you not.

  • ‘She’s just a friend she doesn’t even know she’s involved.’
    Well I guess she had an out of body experience and was actually at her desk working while her body was fucking a married man coworker/ boss at the hotel.

  • “I am in no position to be in a relationship with anyone right now”-I forgot I am married and my schmoops and wife don’t want me. I forgot my wife has access to the phone bill and can see my 2 hour long conversations with five different women in desperate search of the denied kibbles.

    “We didn’t have a vanilla marriage”- It is totally okay that I had sex with other women while married to you because we (mostly you) were not perfect.. I also learned the word “vanilla” because I am so hip.

  • Another one, I’m a tarot reader and have noticed a big boom in pick a card readings on YouTube for love.

    My favorite euphemism is “your person stepped outside their integrity.”

    Most readers shy away from being blunt and honest because money and bc most clients are looking for someone to tell them what they want to hear. Reading the comments on those videos are always so sad, especially when I know that people use “spiritual” language and trends to make the other person they’re dating feel like the relationship is meant to be.

    For example, texting at 11:11 or 3:33 or looking up a natal chart to pretend that they fit the person’s Venus or Mars sign.

    A former co-worker told me that she gets birthday information so she can looking up their chart aspects to manipulate them into funding her lifestyle.

    So if you’re into this spiritual/new age stuff, be wary of those people.

    • I’m on Quora and am forever seeing posts about ‘twin flames’ following or chasing. It makes me so sad to see the fake spiritual folk encouraging people to hang on to a relationship where there’s so much delusion and no commitment, turning it into a heroic romantic quest.

  • “Let’s buy you a bigger diamond” = I’m having an affair that you don’t know about and I will be leaving you shortly, but if you have a big diamond on your finger it will demonstrate to the world that I am a successful businessman who was oh-so-generous to his first wife.

    Me: “No, we agreed when we got married that we would never upgrade the ring and I don’t want a bigger diamond.”

    Fortunately and luckily, I picked up on the other clues (i.e. very secretive with his cellphone), began my ‘job’ as a private detective, got a fantastic counselor, and planned well for the confrontation. Mr. Successful Businessman isn’t as smart as he thinks he is.

  • Quit being a victim=you are not getting over the affair fast enough (3 weeks after DDAY).

    God forgave me, so I didn’t have to tell you about my cheating=I was going to never tell you and chump you until the day I died.

    • “Quit being a victim” – yep, I got that one as well.

      Pretty sure my exH meant that more to say that I had to quit being the victim, as that was his role….

    • “God forgave me, so I didn’t have to tell you about my cheating.”

      I can’t follow the logic of this. Word-salad gold!

  • A WHORE is a WHORE

    Although society will view Cheating FW as someone who has “moved on” and with a “new partner” or has a “new GF” or a “significant other” as FW described her, I call a spade a spade.

    She is fucking my (still married to) FW because she saw his account and took the leap from her loyal husband to FW because it PAYS. new house, resort vacays, tickets to concerts abs sporting events and who knows what else. Those are shiny things. Whores fuck people for shiny things. Whores fuck people for $.

    Let’s be clear. A Whore is a Whore.

    • Oh my gosh the shiny things just made me remember something….ex had a notebook he called the Christmas Book in which every year he wrote down what we gave to others for Christmas and even ideas for furture gifts. It did come in quite handy over the years. At one point after he moved out he sent a list of items he wanted mainly personal stuff. He didn’t ask for the Christmas Book but I gave it to him but not before making an entry. I wrote the name “WHORE” followed by “anything shiny ‘cuz whores do love them shiny things” in thick black marker. I still chuckle thinking about him happy to have it back & then flipping to the page to start that year’s list.

      • I love the whore comment.

        I used the word sparingly at the time to him, but I did sling it a couple times, and he had the decency to back out the door and keep his mouth shut. I could tell it pissed him off though. Truth hurts.

      • When, after D-day, I suggested that the OW was in it for the $$, my ex said, “You need to apologize to her.”

        Seriously? It NEVER crossed his mind that she might need to apologize to ME for so much more. It’s as if he was saying: “We stabbed you together, but you just said something a bit unflattering and hurtful. You need to APOLOGIZE.” WTF!??

        He was in la la cheater land where wrong is right and cheaters are good, misunderstood people who are unfairly maligned.

        p.s. She definitely was attracted to his $$$. That must hurt his ego too much to admit.

    • Mine hated it when I called his girlfriend/now wifey a whore. But she wanted his money and my life so there ya go.

      • Yep, I only did it a couple times, but it was strategic and very effective. He couldn’t argue and he knew it.

        I have absolutely no doubt that he looked at her occasionally, and “whore” crossed his mind. Simply because he gave up pretty much everything (though I am sure he only thought he was giving up me, and that was no biggie to him).

        He thought he would dump me and walk into the sunlight with whore in tow, and he would maintain his status at work, (he didn’t) respect of the community (he didn’t) his political power, (he didn’t) and the respect of his son, (he didn’t).

        I am sure they both thought as soon as Susie was dispensed, they would have a seamless transition, and she would be afforded the respect and affection that Susie had earned on her own. Guess again. He didn’t give me the respect and love I had attained in the community; and he couldn’t take it away. Though he certainly tried.

  • I was quarantining between places = I was cheating on my live-in girlfriend with another, likely unsuspecting woman. COVID safety is my covert fuckfest!

    (why he couldn’t take our daughter for her spring break last year)

  • Friend of Chump…sadly yes. horrible. horrible! how about “rape play” and somehow the word “play” is supposed to change the intent and the act. I refer to the fuckwit now as “respondent”

  • We decided to separate while my ex was on a solo vacation to “think” (a.k.a. decide that ditching his family was justified), and he ended up going far away to “heal” (a.k.a. do his own thing with no one stopping him). He justified the vacation partially because I had taken the kids to visit family when he was unable to take off of work. Really? And healing far away is going fix a family? My therapist said “no way in h*ll” when I told her that.

    I believe in doing solo things with friends or visiting family solo is fine, but going off on your own for weeks to spend scarce family funds while you decide whether to continue the marriage is just selfish. Maybe a weekend, but his vacation was all about HIM. Every day he’d call me and tell me about all the fun things he was doing and where he ate. I actually funded the vacation and what followed with money that I inherited, foolish me. It was also money that we had to pay taxes on.

    Then he decided to go far away to “heal” and decide where to live while we supposedly worked on the marriage long-distance. I believe that throwing us into chaos then was completely fine with him. He wanted us to fall apart without him and come crawling to him, begging forgiveness. He made himself the victim so he didn’t have to change and told his family a sob story about how I destroyed the marriage. Meanwhile he was doing whatever men who run do when they run. An old girlfriend of his that he idolized lived in the area he ran to, last I knew. He had stories about waitresses that never sounded right to me either.

    I also believe that he wanted 100% freedom. He chose a place where he knew no one and were family wasn’t close by. My very experienced attorney commented that he had never heard of a man that ran who didn’t have a woman where he ran to or a plan that he could now play around without being caught. Multiple times he’d comment on how my ex was projecting guilt in the proceedings and how he “smelled another woman” in what was happening. I chose to save my hard-earned dollars for other things and never got a P.I. I just wanted a good settlement.

    Yes, when it’s all euphemisms with lies underneath, run the other way. My gut was screaming during all the mess, and I ignored it. Now I know.

  • “She’s inconsequential” = Everyone but me is inconsequential. Don’t leave, but stay in the dark where you belong. I want my cake!

    “I’m going to be spending time with my friend who’s dying of cancer (*implied* …so I can’t be expected to put up with your comparatively insignificant and problems, you selfish, worthless, overly sensitive chump)” = “I’m a cowardly sad sausage who can’t take responsibility” (when FW timed DDay #1 to be the night before leaving for a weeklong camping trip, “no cell service,” with said friend) … OR can also mean “I’m going to be with Schmoopie – yeah the one I told you is inconsequential and I haven’t spoken to in weeks – and don’t want you ruining our precious time together; I know you’d never want to take away from a sick, dying guy and would never dream of questioning me because I’m so sad about it, so I have finally found the perfect excuse!”

    “With OW it was just… easy.” = You’re difficult and it’s all you’re fault; I have low standards; I’m a spoiled, entitled baby; I like them young, adoring, shallow and without morals; I don’t want a woman with self respect or boundaries; I don’t want intimacy or real life to leak into my relationships; I don’t love you for you and I’d appreciate it if you’d accept your role as a doormat/appliance without wants or needs of your own (but still make sure you continue to be gentle, creative, independent, cheerful, motivated, etc); I’m easy and she’s easy.

    CL: Love today’s cartoon, too!

  • It’s tough reading the comments today. My chump friends really have suffered enormous indignities. The porn the choking the lies the poor treatment the disgusting other women or men. It’s pretty sickening. I remember finding the video of The Bridges of Madison County in his closet. He said the girls at work gave it to him but he didn’t know why. It was one person. She knew exactly why she gave it to him. That incident seems so vanilla now. But you know, a lie is a lie. Hugs everyone

    • “He said the girls at work gave it to him but he didn’t know why.”

      I can relate. My ex’s female friendships from work seemed inappropriate (understatement). There were weird gifts and such. It makes me cringe now.

      He justified these relationships with the nurses because he worked SO hard. He didn’t have sex with all of them, but he definitely gobbled up kibbles from these women.

      He came across as the bespectacled, oh-so-shy, long-suffering doctor. People enjoyed trying to get him to smile. One nurse won the turd!!! Ding ding ding!!

      So, here we have the case of a once nerdy college student who suddenly finds himself with all this female attention.

      Let’s just say that it went to his dick.

    • ‘You are my person’ = ‘You are the person who does all of my adulting for me. You pay the bills, make appts, take of the kids, shopping, laundry, etc – while I go and do whatever I want with whomever I want.’

      • I got the “you are my primary person” in marriage counseling. I see it exactly the same way. I was only the one who did all of the adulting in the house—-well except laundry because he had a thing about liking to do laundry.

        I did not feel that telling me I was his ‘primary person ‘equated to that he loved me or wanted to actually work on our marriage.

      • That just means you are the person who is suppose to take care of them and let them do whatever they want at all times. You’re suppose to stay home and get things in order while they’re out cheating. It’s so much easier that way! I believe this is the cruelest because it gives you the idea that you were special and it makes it more confusing.

    • “You are my person” = “you are my possession.”

      Meaning, you are supposed to be right there available when they need you, and when they don’t, you just stay put while you wait for future needs. You do not have feelings or concerns of your own. You are a “spouse appliance” not a partner.

      But it’s ambiguous language that could mean partnership and love it if came from someone non-selfish, so it is very effective on chumps.

  • “your definition of infidelity is way too narrow” equals cheating is only cheating if I say it’s cheating.

    “Surfing the web” = my 9:00 to 5:00 job consists of Internet pornography searches. I comment on these and I tell these lovely young ladies exactly where I would like to deposit my bodily fluids.

    “I’m going to go play board games with my friends.” = Every Friday and Saturday night from 5:00 p.m. until I return in the morning at maybe two or three, I’m going to be gone. I will shower, change my clothes, brush my teeth ( which is a rarity for me) and although I do this every week you won’t really know what I’m doing.

    The funny thing is that last one, after years of me being suspicious of his quote game playing” he took my daughter to games. Now he had gone there twice a week for years and when he went in with my daughter everybody said to him, ” wow it’s been a long time since we’ve seen you! ”

    Yah. Trust thy gut.

    • “your definition of infidelity is way too narrow”

      That’s laughable.

      Re: the games. Dumb move on his part. Yeesh. As a group, cheaters are stupid AF.

  • “Yeah, you and your little black book” = I lied about what I was doing and you reminded me that that’s not how it went down. And “that’s not who I am, that’s just not me”, when he saw me in my underwear covered in bruises administered by his boot or fist and my young son said “oh my God mommy, what happened to you?” Yeah, buddy, that’s EXACTLY who you are (and so said Schmoopie when she realized what he was like too)!

  • Cheater called me controlling because I wasn’t okay with being cheated on. The RIC is probably already working that angle I imagine.

    • Yup, me too. And I got called “contemptuous” (behind my back) and “mean” (to my face) by couples therapist #1, who is trained in the Gottman Method™️. My STBX said I was trying to sham, blame, and punish her every time I tried to talk about my feelings and what accountability might look like.

      Sweet, sweet freedom!

      • OMG, LezChump – that couples therapist sounds suspiciously like a cheater. What an ass. So sorry you were treated that way!

      • That’s awful, LezChump. Just awful.

        What a terrible therapist!

        Glad you’re enjoying your freedom now.

      • Yikes! I’m so sorry you went through that!! What is it with pro cheating couples’ therapists?? Mine implied I was controlling because I should let ex do whatever she wants on her own time so long as she returns to me. Uhhhh… that’s not what we agreed to? Consent? Fully informed consent? Anyone?

  • I love you but I’m not in love with you = I don’t love you but I think this sounds kinder. Also, I’m in love with someone else.

  • Insignificant Skank ………. his name for the other woman after she dumped his ass. (Insignifcant to who?)

  • “Reading out lines together” — oh, you mean making out at California Pizza? And what’s this charge for Victoria’s Secret? You never bought me anything from there.

  • “We bonded over taking care of sick patients.”=This is my attempt to make an affair seem based on heroism and caring for others.

    Also, because I, Spinach, am not a healthcare worker, this has within it a little bonus insult: “You are not a healthcare provider. You wouldn’t know.”

  • The End of My Marriage in Euphemisms:

    “Dark night of the soul” = I want to cheat
    “Spiritual awakening” = I have found a much younger woman
    “Soul mate” = undergrad 25 years my junior
    “I’m taking a sabbatical because I am overworked” = my Dean found out about my soul mate
    “I have an undiagnosable illness” = Isn’t sickness a get-out-of-consequences-free card?
    “God doesn’t allow divorce” = I should be your God, and I’m telling you I won’t allow a divorce
    “Bitch”= former wife I treated poorly and am trying to blame for everything

    • ““God doesn’t allow divorce” ”

      Ironically, adultery is one of the few reasons in the bible that God does allow divorce, in several passages. Not that it matters to these idiots.

      • My ex (after 15 more years of alcoholic cheating on new significant others), found Jesus and married the church secretary — a woman he was introduced to by his 10-year long girlfriend (I got to know a lot of her because she was relegated to the role of drop off and pick up kids.)

        This church’s pastor broadcast sermons (‘Not a sermon, just a thought!’) and I was aware that divorce was only recognized with adultery. When ex announced he was marrying the church secretary I briefly wondered how this very public pastor sanctioned it. The 10-year girlfriend was so enraged she contacted me to tell ex he had told the pastor that I had committed adultery. She wanted me to visit the pastor and let him know the truth of who had cheated so my ex could not marry the church secretary. I declined to do so.

  • “Nothing” = At least a 5 year long intimate relationship, at least 3 times, concurrently because didn’t go on for 15 years, carried out while someone is supposed to be at work running the family business while telling their parents they’re looking after the kids who are actually at school or after school activities being driven around by their mother (me) or their Aunty (my sister).

    Source: when asked specific questions about affair partners, affairs, dodgy phone calls and texts, disproportionate rages and so on, even when literally caught in the act sharing girl on girl porn gifs with an unknown number, when a car with known and confirmed other woman’s name on registration is photographed in our driveway while I’m working away from home for the week, and the answer is “nothing happened”.

    Now when I hear words “nothing happened” I just hear “everything happened”

    • “Nothing” must be the most popular euphemism. It is more of a space holder than a vocabulary choice though. It is akin to a teenager saying “like” all the time.

  • League of Cities annual meeting = tax payer funded yearly oral sex orgy with ” range ” of city employees.
    Never thought I’d get caught = how dare you question me?
    No such thing as intuition = are you going to believe me or your lyin eyes?
    She was just a friend, somebody I knew = for the 15 years I had sex with her
    I knew you’d never do anything even if you found out = you were Catholic therefore divorce was forbidden
    I’m no good = BINGO!

    • I’m no good = BINGO!

      Ahhhh. THE TRUTH!! He got there!

      Similarly, mine admitted that he wasn’t “respectable” like x (his friend who didn’t cheat). But he said it in an almost mocking way. Hard to describe. Basically, he spit out the word “respectable” as if it were a bad thing and implied that his friend was a major drag who didn’t know how to live it up and felt constrained to stay faithful to his wife. I guess he thought his friend was unevolved.

      PS: Although this friend knows damn well that my ex tried to encourage him to cheat and although this friend has complained that he feels he was betrayed too, he and my ex remain friends. Go figure!

  • Ok one more (not heeding “if it feels good, don’t do it”):

    Etymology unknown, but I believe ‘hermit’ has something to do with crabs – and not the kind you find at the beach. Come to think of it, FW and his dudes did fondly refer to the hole he stayed in for one of his cheating escapades the ‘Crab Shack.’

    Context: “It’s either Chump or being a hermit,” said cheater while deliberating on my worth and my fate (and while cheating, still unbeknownst to me). Wrote this to OW, too, when her sparkle began to fade – though not enough for him to stop fucking her yet.

  • Dalliances. My Knave-man called them dalliances.
    They happened because “we were so cloistered tightly together for so many years,” and he just discovered
    that his mid-life masculine effervescence and powers of charm were inescapably magnetizing to women. Like a black whole. He offered that his dalliances happened only with highly intelligent women near my age in his defense. He met them in bars near an Ivy League campus. Pompous ass.

  • Going to play video games with a guy friend = going to play with sex toys with new girlfriend

  • “She is the only one that is giving me objective advice.” – (referring to the OW and why he was still communicating with her after DDay) e.g. does ‘objective advice’ need interpretation?

    • I just read it as “object” and “vice.”

      The leftover letters spell out “a dive” or the French “à vide”– empty. Or, most fitting of all, “vadia”– Portuguese for bitch.

  • Affair = “just a mistake”
    Betrayal = “only human”
    Colleague (Howorker) = “just-a-friend”
    ‘truth’ = “no hugs or kisssing”
    [revised] ‘truth’ = “only hugs and kissing”
    Differences = “past” as in “‘we’ should put aside our differences at sit together at (event)” No way!

    • Oops his euphemisms. Mine:
      “flirtation” = passionate texts to other female(s) instead of his wife of decades
      “betrayed” = unraveling previous lies and multi-year affair
      “a little” = support for College kids of T-shirts/tech/a meal sometimes.

    • Oh yaaaayyyy, Onwards, I knew someone would bring up the infamous “mistake!”

      FW tried to insist on using “mistake,” saying “I HAVE to say it was a mistake, or else I’m saying it was ok!” I just looked at him and said, “Really? I’m telling you that word bothers me. Is this word really the hill you’re willing to die on?”

      And TBH that euphemism/reaction pretty much sums up the last few months of the attempt at reconciliation. Him trying to tell me how it would be, and me ‘nope’ing out every single counseling session. Pre-CL might I add. I just come here because it’s nice to not be the only sassy b.i.t.c.h. in the room 😁

  • Our marriage was over = I just got my wedding ring fixed and I’m going to start wearing it so my girlfriend remembers that I’m married

    I’m going out to play Magic cards with my friend = BDSM club

    We didn’t have sex for six months = I was getting it elsewhere

    This marital break up is all on you = I was entitled to do whatever I wanted including cheating and now you’re kicking me out because of it

    She meets all my sexual needs and you won’t = she’s a marriage meddler and she’s willing to be degraded with S&M

    You’re a bad communicator, I told you what I needed = I gaslit your to the point of severe brainwashing and I intentionally confused and mind fucked you

    You need to be friendlier to me = I don’t want you to have any emotion for all the horrible things I’ve just poured onto you

    I’m sorry you feel that way= I’m sorry I got caught

    Girlfriend = marriage meddler

    We don’t need lawyers = I want to manipulate you into getting what I want

    You misunderstood the process we agreed to = there was no process

    You get the idea!

    • “We don’t need lawyers = I want to manipulate you into getting what I want”

      Playing of that: “we can save money if we use the same lawyer” = “we can both use my lawyer and I can more easily manipulate you so that I get everything, and you get screwed into poverty”

      • Susie Lee – I too was told “we can save money if we use the same lawyer.”

        I almost busted out laughing!

        I had to compose myself and decline in the most grey rock way possible (while I’m thinking, “you really think I’m that stupid??”).

        • Right? he was on the phone when he said that. First he said “I know you have no reason to trust me, but we can save money if we use the same lawyer” I said “I already retained a lawyer; just file if you want a divorce” He said your problem is “you can’t think for yourself” I said; “you are right, I can not think for myself right now; so I hired a lawyer to think for me”.

          That was when he said “well I hope when this is over we can be friends” I said, “no, I am particular about who my friends are” I politely said good by and hung up.

          He had a plan on how he wanted the divorce settlement to go; it didn’t go that way. He even called and threatened me one time saying “if we don’t do it this way, I will sell everything and the bills will use up all the money” I said “knock yourself out big boy” and hung up.

          He called about 20 minutes later apologizing. I imagine his sad sack lawyer had enough sense to tell him, he had just threatened me and he better fix it. I had already called and told my lawyer what he said.

          • Wow – excellent comebacks on your part!! Way to go!

            Sometimes they talk (and act) like toddlers. I had no intention of trying to negotiate with someone who’s emotionally 2 years old.

            I got a good settlement too; surely better than if we’d both used the lawyer he had already hired.

            • What he had planned was for me to take the marital house, which the rental house that his mother was living in was on a second mortgage on the marital house. In return for him “giving” the marital house with attached lein, I would in return agree to let his mother continue to live in the rental house for the rest of her life, and he would pay a small rent for his mother to cover insurance and taxes.

              When I told my lawyer that, he about fell off his chair. I think that was a new one one him. My lawyer said, NO, he doesn’t get to stick you with his mother for the rest of her/your life.

              We had quite a bit of rental property, but he had also ran up debts while trying to carry two households, our marital household and his whores.

              In short, it ended up with me getting the free and clear property, I got to keep the several thousand dollars I had saved in a separate account, (though it was in both our names) He got all the other properties, and he had to assume all the debt, including the lein on my house which was attached to the marital house he got. I loved it that he had to pay that off. Take that you sadistic bastard. Plus he had to pay my living expense for a year while I readied for single life. My lawyers argument to the judge was that he and the whore had several years to plan and plot behind my back, therefore I needed time to adjust and to regain some of the funds he had stolen. I could have gotten three years of him paying, This was all in a no fault/50/50 state. I kind of wish I had gone for it.

              But, I got enough to pay for my lawyer, and to save quite a bit.

              My life took an amazing turn in work and in my personal life, after I started to come out of my worst part of it. I sure didn’t think that was going to happen when it first hit.

              You are right they act like toddlers. Wahhh, I shit all over my life and you won’t clean it up, wah wah wah.

              • “Clearly he overestimated himself and underestimated me. ”

                I think that is so common with cheaters, they overestimate their own worth, and underestimate the worth of their victim.

                I wondered on occasion if he actually thought that I still saw him as I saw him before the betrayal. Like he was just so grand and smart, he could just keep me fooled to get his way.

          • Yes, mine said he’d save me so much money by writing the agreement himself and working it out with his attorney, and I’d just have to hire one after we had agreed to review it. It wouldn’t take long. If I had agreed to the insanity, of course it would have been quick and easy, but I didn’t agree. No rational human would have agreed, period.

            I needed my own attorney in short order who actually took control and kept the upper hand much of the way. I ended up with a very good settlement and reasonable legal bills given all the back-and-forth. My ex got almost nothing from me and paid quite a bit more than me.

            He also said that I was weak-willed and unable to make good decisions. I needed him to help me in life even post-divorce. I truly hired a dream team on the divorce. Every one of them was a superstar. Yes, little me did that. Then I figured out how to do a late middle age reboot on my career and finances. All without his involvement at all.

            Clearly he overestimated himself and underestimated me. And no, he’s not my friend. My attorney once reminded me that governments and businesses negotiate with their enemies all the time, but they keep it all business. So I kept it all business and went on with my life. Done!

    • Yes, the “we don’t need lawyers” became a self-written agreement that was of the most cruel and nasty things you’ve ever seen. He talked to a celebrity lawyer for advice, and that lawyer told him to ask for anything he wanted. Apparently it didn’t include that I had to agree because there was a smattering of illegal and just nasty demands that I couldn’t believe.

      I finally hired my own attorney who turned it into a decent, fair agreement, and my ex had to hire the celebrity attorney. After fighting through more additions and revisions for months, we were down to trivial amounts of money. I was just sick of it. So I told my attorney to get a court date. His attorney decided that he was done, and told my ex to sign, or he’d quit. So that was that. Signed and done. Then closeout was yet more drama that didn’t have to be. However at long last now, the file is closed. Mine is retired now, and his died of COVID some months back, which was tragic. Life goes on though.

      My closure was seeing how his celebrity attorney turned on him and ganged up with mine. They used to go out for a beer after a court and toast each other for the good fight, so there was some familiarity there. And I have no doubt that my ex paid way more than I did in legal feels and got almost nothing from me. Fighting so long and hard truly made no financial sense for him, but I realize that he got something out of trying to take everything away from me, except he didn’t. I came out fine.

    • Along the lines of “we don’t need lawyers” = “We don’t need the state to sanction our relationship to make it real; marriage is just a construct and we’re more than that” (sure, works for me – I don’t want to waste money on a wedding and it’s really not what’s important to me); and, “You don’t need to own anything, legally, because this is all yours. You know that, right?” Wink.

  • “Sex Addiction” terminology = Pervertspeak
    “Acting out” = fucking around
    “Slip” = fucking around
    “Relapse” = fucking around
    “Sobriety” = pretending not to fuck around
    “In recovery” = pretending not to fuck around

  • “I’m here now”- Don’t worry about the bad shit I’ve been doing for the past 5 hours, you’d divorce my ass if you knew. And don’t get too close, I probably smell like sex.

  • Ex cheater started working as a handyman when he retired.
    “Just off to finish Mrs.(insert any name)’s handyman job(insert any job) ”
    Or “Just off to Bunnings(Australian hardware store) among other euphemisms for cheating. I loved and respected him so never suspected.
    Didn’t find out about cheating til after he left for her.

  • “She gave ME her number” = I posted an ad on Craigslist seeking a bl*w j*b and she replied that I could *** in her mouth.

    “I was just looking for some excitement” = She has a tongue ring.

    “She’s fun” = She has a tongue ring and no responsibilities.

    • I have been helping to organize music and dance festival gatherings over the years, and noticed two types of low-key predator that tend to haunt the gatherings and torpedo other people’s long-term relationships:

      The Free Spirit = Vacuous pot-head with attractive body and very low standards who propounds fact-free, vague yet contorted theories of spirituality and history (eg “Tutankhamen was really an alien”). If female, never wears a bra, if male, no underwear. If male, considers any absence from his long-term partner, no matter how temporary, to be carte blanche to attempt to hook up with as many women as possible. If female, not likely to have a long-term partner because she becomes aggressively infantile in relationships lasting more than a few days. The Free Spirits work hard on keeping their bodies looking healthy and attractive and are downright obsessive about their rather expensive food choices, but have no visible means of financial support,

      The Chill person = having no personal boundaries, no commitments, no coherent moral philosophy informing their life choices. Describe themselves as counter-cultural and progressive only because they use recreational drugs, which they vaguely wish were legalized; but they never actually work for any progressive causes, especially those that benefit other people, and have generally never voted or even registered to vote. The men are usually very controlling under the hedonistic veneer of “chill”; the women, psychologically disassociated.

      • Interesting observations. Could you clarify what you meant with “psychologically disassociated”?? It sounds like something I’ve seen, but when I looked it up, and it sounded both too hardcore & too light for what you meant. Disassociated identity disorder used to be called multiple personality disorder. Every day incidents of psychological disassociation include day dreaming and losing yourself in a book or movie.

        • By psychologically dissociated, I meant that the “chill” female relationship predators were often not in touch with their real emotions and values, nor their real feelings about how they were treated by men; that the “chill” attitude was a veneer in their case covering a lot of desperation, insecurity, anger, and other non-chill emotions and attitudes that they would normally deny having.

  • “It happened because I was drinking too much” = I learned that drinking helps me overcome my professed morals and all regular decency.

    “Finishing Emails” = I need more time to communicate with Schmoopie

    “I was trying to be a friend!” = f@ck buddy

    “I don’t know what I was thinking!” = I do know, but if I say it out loud it will be obvious I’m a selfish a$$hole.

    “We never actually had sex” = oh god, this is a ‘fault’ state, isn’t it?

    “Look, I want to tell you everything now, not trickle it out”. = I am about to trickle it out in ugly revelations over the next six months

    “You know I’m a good man!” = That’s my public persona

    “Nothing like this has ever happened before” = please don’t dig! Please don’t dig!

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