Tell Me How You’re Mighty, Pandemic Edition Whatever Day This Is

As I was considering a Friday Challenge today I thought, geez, isn’t life challenging enough right now? Rather than invite a recitation of cheater fuckwittery (although that has its charms), I thought, let’s look forward. I want to hear about all your badass resiliency.

Oh shut up, Tracy. I’ve been doing trigonometry in a shoebox with surly teens for months. Shove your optimism where the sun doesn’t shine. Sprinkle liberally with jigsaw puzzles.

Sorry, Snarlyface. I need an infusion of CN mighty. Tyra started the week off right with her Harley. More of this gain a life stuff, please. Your ex, who?

Did you get your vaccine? (PLEASE GET YOUR SHOTS.) I’m getting my second shot on Wednesday. #TeamModerna

Did you survive the divorce process AND a pandemic? Do you just lurk here and this site helped you years ago — can you tell us how meh is over there? Is this all new and you managed to wash your hair? YOU ARE MIGHTY.

Tell me all about it. And hang in there, everyone.

TGIF!

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ChumpiestChumpinChumptown
ChumpiestChumpinChumptown
2 years ago

Hahahahaha ‘doing trigonometry in a shoebox with a surly teen for months’ – I think you may have a live feed to my house. I’m still in the throes of discovering my mighty I’m afraid. On the ‘plus?’ side, I’ve discovered that you blog is an oracle that predicted that actually yes my fw was cheating our entire marriage etc… not just pining over his ‘one’ friend recently AND his previous relationship exploded because of his infidelity (all news to me). Gross. Okay, here’s some mighty, I’ve found work and have begun my journey to independence and self worth.

Beetle
Beetle
2 years ago

I hope my upcoming wedding is beautiful!

MichelleShocked
MichelleShocked
2 years ago

OMG me too. My teen literally screamed at me over trignometry MINUTES before I checked out today’s blog LOL. My mind is melting over here as I try to continue to manage my high schooler at home and working and sales calls and a dog that always wants to go outside for a walk (we have no yard – ack).

But guess what? STILL SO MUCH HAPPIER WITH OUT FUCKWIT — almost 6 years free of that ass and every day is brighter.

EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. IS. BETTER. WITHOUT. CRAZY-MAKING GASLIGHTING CHEATERS — peace to all and happy weekend!

Lauren
Lauren
2 years ago

I was fortunate to have been given the gift of truth from a chumped spouse that my husband of then 1 year had cheated with his wife (30+ years ago in a faraway place). When the big d day came 5 years ago , I was able to piece together the chronic cheater syndrome.
On today’s topic, I started a new career , worked to retirement , began an entirely new life and am happily in a relationship. I think it would be beneficial and I would personally love to read a challenge of how many people learn their cheaters have a chronic, serial problem.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago
Reply to  Lauren

I think it would be interesting to know how many discovered SC’s too.

Though honestly, I don’t really buy sex addiction, I think it is just people with low character doing what people with low character do. I also think that the only people who anoint themselves as “entitled” are simply folks with low character. It goes hand in hand.

Unicornomore
Unicornomore
2 years ago

I’m in this group too….I would have sworn on the souls of my children (which would have been a terrible idea) that he had never cheated prior to the “big” affair, but I came to learn that he likely cheated ALL ALONG. Learning this is a huge shock to the system.

CL says that she has come to believe that serial cheating is likely the norm and I agree with her.

I am an empty nester and have tons of empathy for the parents stuck doing home school for a year…gah, that would be hard. There were a few days in all this when I envied the ability to have your baby birds safe in your nest since I worried abou tmine out in the world, but it all turned out OK for my kids.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago
Reply to  Unicornomore

I agree that in most cases these guys are serial cheaters, and we chumps don’t catch on for a long time. Usually when they start getting sloppy because they think they are so smart, or when they get ready to bail and they want us to catch on.

When my ex “confessed” I thought this was maybe a yearish thing, because in hindsight I remembered almost to the day when he started to get mean and distant. What I learned down the line was that he had been running around for years. Likely with many women until this low life whore (who was his direct report) sealed the deal.

It feels like it would have been less painful to find out it had only been a year, rather than my whole marriage; but eh who knows; it is all horrendous pain and betrayal.

Susie Lee
Susie Lee
2 years ago
Reply to  Susie Lee

Oh sorry.

In my case, it was many years ago and only triggered when the ass blew up his relationship with our son, and I found CL.

But, I honestly did pretty good. When I was discarded I was working just above minimum wage for DoD. I stayed at it, and racked up several promotions. Within a few years I was out earning fw. I only know because I knew what he was making and what their pay scale was. His top rank was Captain and I made more than that.

I remarried after a few years of dating and being engaged to a wonderful man. After 26 years with him, that is still my assessment.

Met many great folks, and through my work did some traveling to teach classes on our program.

Not perfect certainly, but all in all a good life so far.

SweetChumpgirl
SweetChumpgirl
2 years ago
Reply to  Unicornomore

I’m an empty nester too and was learning to be alone again without anyone around me before the pandemic hit. Wow! I survived somehow just like I did after D-day with ex husband and D-day with ex boyfriend (?he was a chump apparently). I learned that I AM resilient! Working on life being better for ME for once…a lot of growing yet to do xoxo sweet

ChumpiestChumpinChumptown
ChumpiestChumpinChumptown
2 years ago
Reply to  Unicornomore

I used to homeschool my kids and this is so much worse… Anyhow, no vaccine for me yet.

Thirtythreeyearsachump
Thirtythreeyearsachump
2 years ago

I got that funky, cold Moderna! Both shots and the two weeks past to achieve maximum coolness. I am mighty like that!

I never wanted to be alone at age sixty, struggling financially, yet managing to pay my lawyer, pay the bills, and take care of myself. I am managing all of this. I am learning to be alone. It’s not so bad.

I moved out of “Eggshell Manor” and into the “LoveShack”. If I listen carefully I believe I can hear my walls humming.

Shelly
Shelly
2 years ago

Same! Not what I expected at this age. But, better than living his lies.

tizzypins
tizzypins
2 years ago

I also had two hits of that funky cold Moderna! And I’ve moved out of Angst Abode and into Peace Palace. Alone, but not lonely. Feels good.

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
2 years ago

33YAC, you are me! My little shack is so peaceful. A big hug from 39YAC + so far one vaccine dose.

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
2 years ago

Eggshell Manor to Love Schack. Haha! Love this.

I’m also 60 and managing ok. Learning how to be alone is a gift. But, in my case, I think I had a lot of practice. FW managed to be away a lot–sports, fishing, work, whoring. So, I guess I honed my alone skills throughout my 35-year marriage. But now I’m alone and at peace. That’s priceless. No more sullen, withholding and demanding FW to please. As much as I wouldn’t wish this betrayal on anyone, I’m “happy” that it forced me to leave him. I would have stayed forever and continued in clueless misery.

MyRedSandals
MyRedSandals
2 years ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

Thirtythreeyearsachump and Spinach@35:

Like both of you, I never expected I’d have to recreate myself at age 60. But I said Au Revoir to the 40-year-long serial cheater, big marital home, financial abuse and mindfuckery, and Hello to peace, a sweet little bungalow in my name only, financial independence and Zero Contact. Now, at age 66, I consider the last 6 years without XH to be a fantastic gift, even taking into account the isolation and periodic loneliness resulting from the pandemic lockdown. Barring unforeseen circumstances, I plan to work full-time for another 4 years, at which time my little bungalow will be paid off, and I’ll maximize my Social Security benefits. I wake up every day grateful!

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
2 years ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

Oh, and I forgot to mention that he was away in spirit even when he was in the same room. That was the most painful alone time.

#abusebysilence #withholding

NotMyFault
NotMyFault
2 years ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

Yes. I felt that too. Feeling alone when he was sitting right there. The worst kind of abuse.

LeavingToxicTown
LeavingToxicTown
2 years ago
Reply to  NotMyFault

Yes. I’m feeling less lonely now that I’m alone. The neglect was abusive. Didn’t see what it was until later.

Betteroff22
Betteroff22
2 years ago

I can relate, I feel the same. It just goes to show how toxic the relationship was.

Jillted
Jillted
2 years ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

Spinach, I can totally relate to this. My ex wasn’t a doctor, but he found plenty of reasons to avoid going with me to family/work/friend events over the 29+ years. He was a business consultant with frequent work travel, so he would use his trips to conferences, etc. to carry on his activities. Toward the end, he even became bold enough to book rooms with the 30-year younger OW he had been “mentoring” for the previous 2 years.

As you described, he was rarely with me, even when we were in the same room. It does hurt. But as I read what you have written in this forum, it’s clear you have used that pain to help you grow. You are mighty!

Unicornomore
Unicornomore
2 years ago

Enjoy your health and your Love Shack !

Unicornomore
Unicornomore
2 years ago

During the pandemic, I moved my elderly parents out of their house (where I had to sell hundreds of items in a distance-safe manner…very difficult), went to my nursing job 4 days a week and finished grad school.

My hospital exceled at giving shots to each other, so we started giving them to the community and it got bigger and bigger. As each staff member and volunteer got into it, we all realized we wanted to be a part of the solution. At its peak, we gave 2500 shots a day over 16 hours with people doing their day jobs then pulling 4 hour shifts in the shot clinic. I saw people I discreetly know to be millionaires giving shots and cleaning chairs.

Adelante
Adelante
2 years ago
Reply to  Unicornomore

Thank you for your service on the front lines of this pandemic!

Rebecca
Rebecca
2 years ago
Reply to  Unicornomore

Unicornomore,
Kudos and 3 cheers on all that you have accomplished!
Celebrate yourself!!!

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
2 years ago
Reply to  Unicornomore

Super super!

Gonegirl
Gonegirl
2 years ago
Reply to  Unicornomore

Your hospital system rocks!

Just me and the pup
Just me and the pup
2 years ago

Yes I got my vaccine. And yes I bought an RV in an amazing resort spot and am now able to be a snowbird. I took up golf.. something fw would never do.. love it and start in a ladies league next week. I love cruising on the golf cart with the dog and all the wonderful people I have met. This lifestyle I love fw would make fun of. But here I am rocking it out So life is so much better than what I thought it could be. And thanks to a nice settlement I am now semi-retired.

chumpedchange
chumpedchange
2 years ago

JustMe, i am just researching RV’S and leaving a life i’ve grown out of (7 years out from FW). I want a life even more liberating than the one I’m living now! Thanks for sharing. I would love to hear more. Making plans that excite me, excites me!! Chump Nation is a liberating place.

TryingHard
TryingHard
2 years ago

This is amazing I’m so happy for you! X

Hakuna NoChumpette
Hakuna NoChumpette
2 years ago

I moved out of the haunted, possessed by the ex MIL marital home, sold that house and am proceeding to my divorce.

I moved into a rental cabin that I heat with wood. I split my own and I’m getting stronger. I’m getting my art supplies together again to oil paint when the weather breaks.

I’m not there, but I’m making progress.

Adelante
Adelante
2 years ago

I celebrated my 60th birthday by splitting wood. Definitely a way to feel mighty!

Shelly
Shelly
2 years ago
Reply to  Adelante

I need to be friends with you 60 + year old women who are taking life by the balls!

Chumpette Nomore
Chumpette Nomore
2 years ago
Reply to  Adelante

I’ll be 57 this year. Don’t we just get better as we get older?

Unicornomore
Unicornomore
2 years ago

Splitting your own wood is badass !!

Shelly
Shelly
2 years ago
Reply to  Unicornomore

I agree! You should see the RobinWright film, Land. Women just are badassess!!!!

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
2 years ago
Reply to  Unicornomore

Agree! If my life depended on this, I would freeze

Queen of Chumps
Queen of Chumps
2 years ago

I’ve been exercising. I’ve been running even though so am not one. I got back to yoga. I am doing push ups and sits ups, that is a lot for someone that has never exercised. I’m doing it for me, to clear my head and look good this summer. I’ve gone outside everyday after a year indoors with online schooling, telework and a whole day of ruminating about where Fw is and what he is doing. Not anymore.

This is all newish to me, so I’m am now back to work in person, showering regularly and got an appointment with a new therapist that hopefully doesn’t suck. I whitened my teeth and formed a local chump tribe, we support each other while our kids play together.

Not at meh yet, but chugging along through self improvement. I chump hard some days, but I am finding peace and something to be grateful for everyday.

chumpedchange
chumpedchange
2 years ago

Just want to say that after LAGCAL the best book ive read about cheating and its effects is ” Cheating In a Nutshell” it is so validating and helpful. The science is in on betrayal. Chump nation as usual, is ahead of the curve.

Kim
Kim
2 years ago

Runner here. 32 years…hs. college, junior Olympic gold medal, boxes full of race awards….many for winning the overall women’s race.

If you’re running you are a runner. Take the credit you deserve.

LeavingToxicTown
LeavingToxicTown
2 years ago

Had my first shot on Monday and my first job interview in 25 years yesterday!!!! Stay at home mom for 20 years. So scary and exciting. In the divorce process…. 8 continuances… meh. Oh, do you hear his employer contributing to his 401k? 50% is still mine. Idiot.

Matthew
Matthew
2 years ago
Reply to  Tracy Schorn

First off I cannot thank you enough for your insights and this group!! It has been 1 year since DDay and I have my final court date (hopefully) for the divorce proceedings. I have gone no contact for 10 months now, right after reading your book (several times lol) and I have stuck to my boundaries. It has been challenging at times as I have older children involved, both of which want to remain with me. I focus on my children and try to maintain a safe healthy home life for them as they finish their college education, obviously with no help from their mother. She is a self absorbed, selfish narcist as they all are, and I now see she always was thanks to you and this group. I have an excellent support group of friends and family who have been by my side since the beginning. I have one more hurdle to get past on Monday and this nightmare comes to an end. I know it is going to be expensive, as NY state law favors the woman regardless of wrongdoing, but if it is the price of happiness for my children and I it is worth it. Waiting on the karma bus!! Best of luck to everybody on here and thank you.

Claire
Claire
2 years ago
Reply to  Matthew

Good luck with the last hurdle! You know what’s right after Monday…. ????. I hope its YOUR Tuesday

Emma C
Emma C
2 years ago

The months of quarantine seemed like they were dedicated to ME!
First, it gave me the time to improve my painting skills enough to be planning for a show in 2022.
Second, I spent a lot of time resting with my feet up. The swelling subsided enough I could locate the source of pain in my arch (at least 3 years old) A water-filled sac that could easily be drained.
Third, the lack of going out and difficulty finding aides meant my adult disabled daughter came to the decision that an assisted living facility would fit her needs better.

UXworld
UXworld
2 years ago

This is basically a re-run from last Friday’s challenge on changing the narrative, but since it fits under the ‘mightiness’ label, I’ll post again . . .

Kunty Kibbler has been especially ‘sparkly’ since E the Elder (daughter #1) began her college searching in earnest last year — taking her to visit expensive private schools in upstate NY (where KK attended), driving home the narrative that “the #1 goal is to get you to your first choice school,” signing her up (without my knowledge) for a $2000 week-long ‘freshman experience’ at one of these expensive schools, etc.

Predictably, she’s been no where near as sparkly when it comes to costs, how it’s going to be paid for, and who will bear the brunt of those decisions — nor has she made any formal acknowledgement that all of these questions are facing us with M the Younger, who is only one year behind her sister.

Long story short: KK’s message to me has been: “Chlorine Special and I will not provide any direct $$$ contributions to E the Elder’s upcoming college costs (beyond occasional living expenses), nor do we anticipate being able to do so for the foreseeable future. We also will not cosign for any private loans she may require — you make far more money than I do, so you should be able to take care of it. And if you don’t agree to all of us sitting down together ‘as a family’ and making sure that E the Elder understands all of this, you’re an asshole.”

So, a formal Request for Child Support Modification to reduce or eliminate my obligation to her was filed in family court. I’ve been warned my my attorney that this process (as with all such requests) is notoriously slow, especially in the age of COVID, but no matter.

Now that they are moving on into adulthood, I want greater control over how my income supports my daughters without any portion of it going to pay for KK’s underwear photo shoots (now at 4 and counting), flotation tank spa treatments, or whatever else she decides is more important than contributing to her daughters’ educations.

Skunkcabbage
Skunkcabbage
2 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

Since I got pregnant, we’ve been saving for our kid’s college education. XAss has a BS in Sci. His father was a Phd. He always spoke of how HIS kid will go to College too! Every single birthday / holiday check and 1/2 of the kid’s PFD goes into the college savings account since the day he was born. Good thing our son turned out to be an Honor Student.

(He is focused on Math/Tech. The math problems he does give me nightmares! I tell him he has my utmost admiration for his ability to tackle them! Pandemic schooling for me has involved sending sustenance into the room and making sure the internet connection rocks.)

Yet at our custody hearing my X extolled the virtues of living in a remote community with no career opportunities and the kid didn’t need a college ed to be successful. Kid is now a HS Jr. X made much more $ than I did/do and was supposed to be the parent to handle the financial aid forms. He has refused to fill out the FAFSA application, the first step in the process. Kid wants to be with me totally his Sr. yr. I’ve had to go back to Court to Modify Custody. XAss is grumbling about the custody time – for form “because he wants to have every opportunity to see his son” – but in reality he’s dragging his heels about divulging his income and having to pay me any more child support.

Though I don’t have the $’s to financially support my kid’s college career, he’s got the smarts to get a free ride if we play the game right. So I’m the one filing out forms. Making sure he’s got the credits / classes he needs/wants. Getting that accomplished.

I’m excited to see where the kid’s pathway will lead him. And XAss will be on the sidelines whining about it.

Chris W
Chris W
2 years ago
Reply to  Skunkcabbage

It’s been a long time, but my sister got a lot of scholarships due to not including my father on the FAFSA. At that time- 25 years ago, pre-Internet, my sister couldn’t locate my father and thus she used my mother’s income, which was solely Disability payments. Not sure if any of that helps you all, or if it’s changed substantially where the schools wouldn’t accept not including both parents on the FAFSA.

Eilonwy
Eilonwy
2 years ago
Reply to  Skunkcabbage

I am there with you on the headaches of helping a kid apply for college with one parent who doesn’t contribute, wants to claim custody, thinks stimulus checks should be split, and cannot be bothered with FAFSA forms. He may yet manage to screw up one of our kids’ ability to be eligible for in-state tuition. He somehow seems to think that if he makes college cost more than it needs to, it will hurt me rather than hurting the kids.

Matt
Matt
2 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

I am in the same boat the cheating ex wife feels she does not have to pay for anything regarding the children, but always shows up for the photo op to enhance her image as a caring mother. It is actually really sickening, but my children are starting to see her for what she really is. I am putting her share of the monetary costs for college in the divorce decree (final court date on Monday the 26th of April), this way I have legal options available based on her track record. Best of luck to you, as I am all to familiar with NY State divorce laws favoring the cheating Fuqwit mothers regardless of wrongdoing

Unicornomore
Unicornomore
2 years ago
Reply to  Matt

So, my husbands XW…the stunt she pulled was thus:

She rode daughters ass to get straight As, be valedictorian so that she could “go to a great school”. Upon doing what she was urged to do, her mother only “let her” go to a local bumfuck school of last resort. Im glad her city has a local university, it will be some kids only option, but that isnt what her mom promised. Her mom didnt even take her to visit better schools.

We helped D visit and apply and get into top tier school but the divorce degree said each had to pay for an “agreed upon” school, so no matter it was Ds choice and she got accepted…all XW had to do was say “I dont agree”…poof…gone is all responsibility.

When XW saw D was going anyway, XW took things away (phone, care insurance) but we stayed steady. D graduates in a few weeks and got accepted into one of the hard-to-get schools within the U. Her mom plans to come to graduation but has thusfar never stepped foot on campus.

When moving in one year, stepD asked me to help decorate her dorm room and I was all in my feelings…well heck yea, but sick inside that her mom gave up that role. (We never made any attempt to limit her mom to visit and had she arrived for move-in day, we would have excused ourselves).

ClearWaters
ClearWaters
2 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

Well, KK, isn’t that tough that you earn less than I do. Because 50% of our daughters’ genes are yours. FYI, flotation tanks and underwear photoshoots do not cancel them out, but they do cost a lot of $.

UX, I hope your RCSM moves along quickly and that your daughters understand what is important.

Now I.C.
Now I.C.
2 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

I wonder if Daughters will take note that Dad has ~actual skills~ to offer the marketplace (and still enjoys creative things) while KK and CS are play-acting as academics, pod casters, and poetry slammers who don’t have the scratch to do right by the kids. Quite the contrast, and more is caught than taught to our children as we raise them. They must already be aware of who is the adult parent and who is the endless adolescent. Kids see.

As you foot the bill literally and emotionally with your girls, I hope you have opportunity to continue to demonstrate that education is worthless without wisdom.

Unicornomore
Unicornomore
2 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

As a kid whose parents didnt mention that they didnt intend to pay for college until the end of HS Senior year (and the stepmom of a girl whose mom used a 2 word phrase in the divorce decree to refuse to pay anything for college) I hate that KK has dangled all the sparkliness of fancy universities in front of your child’s eyes while refusing to provide for any of it. That is a shitty thing to do.

My now-husband long ago settled in the role of “sane parent” and not only made it possible for D to attend a great school but paid my grad school tuition at the same time. His method of resolving the issue might not be right for everyone (I trust you to find your way, with 2, this will be a challenge, but you are up to it) but I respect him for doing the hard thing in the moment.

Never to disappoint with a tedious action in any given situation, his XW who paid nary a dime to educate her only child is now swooping in with a graduation gift so flashy and overblown (although totally useless), it has caused a whole new episode of eye-rolling in our house.

XW also tried to forbid adult D from getting vaccinated. I said my piece based on being a healthcare worker then respectfully backed away and let D make an adult decision. She just got the shot 2 days ago but said her mother will never forgive her for it. (more eye rolling)

Kintsugi
Kintsugi
2 years ago
Reply to  Unicornomore

This is one thing my ex and I fight about.

I am vaccine cautious… my kids have never had one, neither have I. My ex knew this when we married and was fine with it. Now his AP/OW thinks vaxing is awesome and he’s mad at me that I won’t subject my kids to any.

If my kids want them when they’re grown up, that’s their decision. I don’t judge. They know why I won’t and if they decide they want that for themselves when they’re old enough… that’s their choice.

Mostly I’m just saying those of us who refuse are not ignorant or stupid or careless. We have our reasons and they’re good reasons.

There is NO fucking way I am EVER getting it… but you all feel free. No judgement from me. If just like the same courtesy.

CleotheFormerChump
CleotheFormerChump
2 years ago
Reply to  Unicornomore

Wow. That’s messed up (well, a lot of it, but mostly the emotional blackmail to your daughter over the vaccine).

UXworld
UXworld
2 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

… and Phizer dose #2 comes on May 1.

Chumpnomore6
Chumpnomore6
2 years ago
Reply to  UXworld

Me too UX!

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
2 years ago

I got my shots! Yay science!

Yay, too, for the chump vaccine that is CL! In this case, I received the main shot of LAC; GAL in October 2019. I follow that up with daily booster shots from this site.

So I feel immune (95%) in more ways than one. I’m happy to be a part of a supportive community that helps innoculate me. Thank you to CL and CN!

I’m not feeling particularly mighty, just grateful for progress (not perfection).

#CN #TeamCL

GettingtoPeace
GettingtoPeace
2 years ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

I also love the chump vaccine that is CL!

LezChump
LezChump
2 years ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

Yes for all kinds of immunization! #FWvaccineFTW

Chump No More
Chump No More
2 years ago

I had covid last April 2020, hazard of my job, I work in the NHS.
I had vaccination 1 & 2 this Feb/April, even though I still had antibodies.

I’m now just waiting to have my other surgery for a total knee replacement while trying to divorce cheater pants,
I’m still sharing a house with him & our 2 adult sons with whom he doesn’t talk to !! My sons & I grey rock & no contact him, I learnt from them, it did take me a while as I felt rude ????‍♀️
He was going away every weekend till 3 weeks ago when he got dumped again. Guess the karma bus made a stop….

Lacgal has been my awaking from the utter despair of being chumped.
Chump Lady, you are a life saver, I’m feeling pretty good about myself & how far I’ve come over the almost 3 years that it has taken so far to almost rid myself of this total fuckwit

I now please myself when I eat, where I go (covid restrictions allowing) what I do in my spare time, it’s all about me now, my kids are amazing, the sun is shining, not totally divorced yet as fuckwit keeps moving the goalposts but the end is in sight…..

It’s almost my Tuesday ????

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
2 years ago
Reply to  Chump No More

Yes!!!! Congrats Chump No More!!

Also, I can so identify with not wanting to appear rude and my own kids setting me straight.

I just read a book about this. It’s entitled: Not Nice: Stop People Pleasing, Staying Silent, & Feeling Guilty… And Start Speaking Up, Saying No, Asking Boldly, And Unapologetically Being Yourself! I’m 60 and still learning this basic shit! Oh well. Old habits die hard.

Good luck with the knee surgery! Ooof.

Chump no more
Chump no more
2 years ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

Thank you,
I am also 60 ????
I’m going to look for that book, sounds very interesting.
Yes I’ll have my 2nd knee done, then onwards & upwards ????

Sandyfeet
Sandyfeet
2 years ago

Pamela Egan says
April 23, 2021 at 8:53 am
This Earth Day month I volunteered with our local beach town & the Florida Oceanography Society planting sea grass in the lagoon. I did not once think about estranged decades married husband or how his lack of cooperation has cost me time & money, filed Jan 2019. I thought about improving lagoon water for the manatees, my children & grandchildren that I have a wonderful relationship with. He hasn’t seen them in 2 years. I was one of oldest volunteers at 62 Feeling mighty.

sun_starting_to_shine
sun_starting_to_shine
2 years ago

I finished my PhD ! Had to suspend for 12 months after d-day as it totally blew my mind that the last 4 years he was having a double life ‘twu luv’ affair (met on a hookup site! really? Who does that shit?). Anyway my viva is next month, so wish me luck! A new career and life hopefully beckons !!

Adelante
Adelante
2 years ago

Congratulations from a fellow PhD holder! Welcome to the fold! Your perseverance in the face of fuckwittery is MIGHTY

Chumperella
Chumperella
2 years ago

Wow!! Congratulations – that is one mighty accomplishment!

Rose
Rose
2 years ago

PhD while dealing with a fw? That’s impressive!!!
Congratulations ????

Gonegirl
Gonegirl
2 years ago

Congratulations! A PhD is impressive! You rock!

Anna
Anna
2 years ago

I finish my Masters Degree on Monday!! And I have a job offer! Five kids- oldest was 10, and youngest was 3 months on D-day. It is now 6 years later, but I came up with a plan and worked it!

Elsa
Elsa
2 years ago
Reply to  Anna

Congrats Anna
I’m starting this rodeo… two undergrad degrees, time to step up and push myself a bit
Once again- congrats mighty woman ????

SadKJ
SadKJ
2 years ago

Fully vaccinated
Secured a full time job
Threw him out of the house, and got him to sign off while he was still in the fog
Got comfortable hiking solo
Found yoga again and mastered several advanced poses
Closer to meh than despair

Wishing strength and peace to my fellow chumps

Caroline
Caroline
2 years ago

Hi all. Briefly- D-Day was August 19, 2019, divorce finalized December 2019. We were separated since May 2019, but he was hiding the affair with a close, married family friend which began around March 2019. (There’s even an academic paper on his affair since he was a minister.)

My 9 month, exclusive COVID relationship ended yesterday when he told me he slept with another woman Wednesday night. We had our next date planned for last night.

Two points I’m dealing with today:
1) I hate the concept of being ‘thankful’ that he told me. 2) Also, he and my ex want to be friends with me. Why do cheaters think there can ever be a friendship?

The COViD relationship guy wants me to call him after I get through this. I don’t understand this.

At any rate, had a few girlfriends over last night for wine and fire pit. I’m fine. A few tears, but I’ve been through worse.

Second shot is next Wednesday (team Pfizer), then wait two weeks and I’ll see if I’m up for dating again. I have great plans for this year with travel with friends and my daughters.

Love to you all! ❤️

OHFFS
OHFFS
2 years ago
Reply to  Caroline

I suspect they want to keep us as “friends” in the hope that we’ll debase ourselves and agree to be plan b. They need that for when they are discovered cheating on their latest mark and have no other spousal appliance. Then out will come the loveboming. The twits think we’ll fall for it since we did before. They don’t want to accept that we now know they suck donkey dongs and we aren’t going to change our opinion just because they send flowers and slyly murmur “All along it was you I loved, you know.” ????

The other reason is that they look better if the split is amicable. They hope people will think we just “grew apart”, as they like to say.

Cheater hierarchy of needs;
1) Somebody for narcissistic supply and to provide services
2) Image management
3) Duper’s delight
4) Porn (and/or other substance to abuse)
5) Food

This guy is such an infamous Sinister Minister that somebody wrote an academic paper on his cheating ways? Now I’ve heard it all; “A Study in Fuckwittery; from Conjob to Blowjob.”

Betteroff22
Betteroff22
2 years ago
Reply to  OHFFS

Love the Cheater Hierarchy of needs! Totally on point.

Caroline
Caroline
2 years ago
Reply to  OHFFS

Love your paper title!
The list is spot on.

Chumpy
Chumpy
2 years ago
Reply to  OHFFS

we now know they suck donkey dongs

Screamingly hilarious!
I shall visualise this whenever I feel susceptible. Thanks so much!

OHFFS
OHFFS
2 years ago
Reply to  Chumpy

????

Zip
Zip
2 years ago
Reply to  Caroline

What the hell do they think a friend is? These people completely detach from you, look out for their own interest…, hurt you… and say ‘let’s be friends.’

They are narcissism and shallow. Clearly it makes them feel better about themselves being friends with somebody they just crapped on. But I actually don’t think they care one way or the other whether or not they remain friends… just another shallow, meaningless thing to say.

Hell of a Chump
Hell of a Chump
2 years ago
Reply to  Caroline

Ugh, who wants cheaters as friends?

Light Heart
Light Heart
2 years ago
Reply to  Caroline

Hugs for you, Caroline.

“I’ll wait two weeks and see if I’m up for dating again.”

You are a rockstar!

Light Heart
Light Heart
2 years ago

I finally cobbled a resume together and decided to quit my commission-only job. It’s not paying the bills! I’m penniless on this April 23rd, and bills are due on the 1st. (Yesterday a friend asked me to go to the store for her to pick up some meds… it was my last $30. She’ll pay me back one day – she’s sick now.) I will have to get a draw, if possible. (Not sure how it will go.) I sent the resume to a friend a few days ago, who offered to look at it, and she said it was IMPRESSIVE! But it’s just stuff… you know? Bits and pieces. A few things here and a few things there. I’m living in a very young town. It’s all about the resume that you send out now. That word “impressive” gave me a lift and I sent a resume out last night with a cover letter!!! (My big accomplishment!) The job was for a personal assistant, and it mentioned that older people should apply! (I don’t think of myself as “older,” and I remember when my grandparents were my age. I marveled at how young they were!) Hoping… !!! I will send out more today. My impressive resume has gotten my mind off of the cheater ways of the boyfriend I just dumped. I was right to do it, but it hurt me and I’m sure it hurt him, too (because I am so amazing!) Amazing with an impressive resume… that’s pretty good for 8:22am! It’s a decision to go for something better for myself! I like that decision. Yay for today!

SweetChumpgirl
SweetChumpgirl
2 years ago
Reply to  Light Heart

Congrats! I’m hopeful you find something and you are happy xo sweet

Light Heart
Light Heart
2 years ago
Reply to  SweetChumpgirl

Thank you sweet Chump girl.

Jae
Jae
2 years ago

I’m just absolutely beyond grateful that the divorce was done before the initial lockdown.

Gonegirl
Gonegirl
2 years ago

My D day was years ago, but I pop up here time to time to contribute and encourage.

I am an emergency department NP and I discovered how many hours I can work before I am exhausted. It’s way more than I expected. I discovered a new fondness for scrub caps and I have discovered the truly ultra waterproof and sweat proof mascara (Thrive Causemetics). I basically realized how strong I truly am an the staff I work with are true bada$$e$. Years later, we will be telling the newbies “pandemic stories and how we survived”

I was one of the first group in my hospital to receive the Pfizer vaccine and I am truly grateful to the researchers and scientists who made it all possible.

Bees
Bees
2 years ago
Reply to  Gonegirl

And we are grateful to you.

SupineChump
SupineChump
2 years ago

My D-day was 6.5 years ago when I was pregnant with my fifth child. She started kindergarten this year (the others are 9th/6th/4th/2nd grades) and I started Law School!! I reached true euphoric “meh” a few months ago and I will never look back. I long for romantic love, but not desperate for it. I love my life!

Kit Ketchum
Kit Ketchum
2 years ago
Reply to  SupineChump

You are MIGHTY SupineChump!

Spoonriver
Spoonriver
2 years ago

So during covid and the protest and chaos in Minneapolis (I’m a Minnesotan) my son-in-law was carjacked and shot 16 times. He is in a wheel chair and learning to walk again. His wife, my daughter was 4 months pregnant and they have a six year old. I moved in with them. I drove them to the hospital on a snowy December night to have the baby – son-in-law, daughter, wheelchair, baby equipment. In spite of covid the hospital gave permission for both me and dad to be to be there. Baby girl was born without too much drama..she’s cute and healthy. When we got home we realized that we didn’t have house keys so grandma jimmied the screen and window,,rolled into the house and onto the couch ninja style.

I got my first shot this week.

Elsa
Elsa
2 years ago
Reply to  Spoonriver

Spoonriver

You are M I G H T Y!!!!!

chumpedchange
chumpedchange
2 years ago
Reply to  Spoonriver

Spoonriver, you amaze me. I think i love you

SerenityNow
SerenityNow
2 years ago
Reply to  Spoonriver

Super mighty! That is really awesome. I hope that your son-in-law is healing well. What a horrible thing. It makes me sad to read and hear about all the turmoil. I lived in Minneapolis and St. Paul for 12 years for much of my late 20s and 30s before moving back to Chicago.

Jae
Jae
2 years ago
Reply to  Spoonriver

You are officially a badass.

Attie
Attie
2 years ago
Reply to  Spoonriver

Oh my word Spoonriver, that is awful. I’m so sorry for what your family has gone through but so graceful Ninja grandma was there when she was needed!

Attie
Attie
2 years ago
Reply to  Attie

“Graceful?” (I’m anything but, but I guess you got what I meant)!

can’tbelievehechumpedme
can’tbelievehechumpedme
2 years ago
Reply to  Spoonriver

mighty!

BigCityChump
BigCityChump
2 years ago

I can’t lie. Covid was and still is HARD. I work in a huge public hospital in NYC. I have worked for decades in my hospital with children as an educator. During the peak of the pandemic as my medical colleagues were being redeployed to areas that needed help I decided to volunteer for redeployment. I felt that it was the right thing to do—answering phones, delivering food, whatever… I won’t lie—it was SCARY! But my teens were proud of me. And as my schedule changed and I returned home from work at 1AM they would be up waiting in my bed to see what treats got donated.(Krispy Kreme was very generous!). Those nights in my bed eating junk food did not help our physical health, but we really became a fortified family. We laughed mightily! My STBX? He thought I was risking the health of the family as a “government sacrifice.” He saw the kids much less (not his MO). Why? Bc his shmoopie (my x friend) is a germaphobe. Regardless…I grew so very close to my teens who are asshole teens (as they should be). He will never be able to make up for lost time with kids who are soon to leave nest—even though he is trying now that we are all vaccinated. Covid gave me loving teens. Go figure?

But I won’t lie. It hurt to hear the 7PM clapping and know that someone once so important to me was not proud or grateful for my service. And even though I tell myself daily—the only opinion that matters is those of the people I love and trust—it STILL hurt. That rather than rally and support me—he tried to make me feel guilty for doing the right thing. (Yes I know that this is not surprising from a cheater, but still…) And you can’t un-see the crazy. And sadly—this whole pandemic (and election) put a LOT of crazy on display. And I can’t un-see. So I feel wobbly. (Lost a young and dear co-worker to Covid. She died before the vaccine was available. Her death was horrific and we all watched hopelessly. And yet—so many of my co-workers are still unvaccinated. I just can’t make sense of it. And I’m tired of trying. I’m just tired.)

Maybe I’ll bring home some Krispy Kremes tonight!

Gonegirl
Gonegirl
2 years ago
Reply to  BigCityChump

Yes, you are mighty.

Your ex didn’t see it but we do. Your coworkers do but most importantly your kids do.

Spoonriverdance
Spoonriverdance
2 years ago
Reply to  BigCityChump

BigCity,

You are the mightiest in my book and the warm memory of eating Krispy Kremes with your kids at night will fortify them for their lifetime.

al K
al K
2 years ago

You are all so inspirational! Thank you so much for this topic.
I’m not sure, I can contribute much, the biggest thing, after losing my father last year, then kind of losing my job after 30 years at the same company, but then saving half of my clients and still hanging in there, was learning to drive. I got my driving licence at 18, but haven’t been driving for more than 30 years. I had panic attacks while driving, I just couldn’t do it. But now I inherited a small car from my father and I’m at my lesson 28. I feel powerful and free. Still bad at parking though…

AristocraticChump
AristocraticChump
2 years ago
Reply to  al K

So sorry you lost your father, I bet he’s looking down SO proud of you driving his car❤️

Attie
Attie
2 years ago
Reply to  al K

Good for you, that’s really badass!

al K
al K
2 years ago
Reply to  al K

Just wanted to add I’m almost 60 and driving now is was different then it was back then

Hcard
Hcard
2 years ago

Five years out now, fully vaccinated.yay. Thanks to CL and CN I realized I was being treated like crap, expected nothing from him. I had no idea of cheating, CL,CN, opened my eyes. He died during process of leaving. I got everything he hadn’t wasted, spent.
I choose what I eat, how I decorate, who I socialize with, what I say, every choice mine after more than 40 years of his choices.
Have my own house, six rescue dogs, a great yard and love every day. My multiple sclerosis has totally chilled and I manage just fine. I still feel anger or hurt when I have a memory and realize he lied again, and I believed him, but loving my last act.

Sandyfeet
Sandyfeet
2 years ago
Reply to  Hcard

Hcard ???? you are mighty.

Sandyfeet
Sandyfeet
2 years ago
Reply to  Hcard

You are mighty Hcard ????

can’tbelievehechumpedme
can’tbelievehechumpedme
2 years ago

I got a job during my divorce though not the best divorce strategy… bitch cookie please. I hadn’t worked full time in 10 years. Glad my self preservation instincts kicked in… I got stock options. Everything I own or have purchased since D has gone up in value except my car. I am now probably worth nearly as much as him. And I get to work from home… the silver lining of all this madness for a SAHM that was sad about not being able to be home after school for the kids. There have been travails too… my dating life has been a disaster. Started with a guy similar to yesterday’s column, most recently a guy who wore the mask well for a few dates and then just turned into a literal monster. Going to take a verrrry long break. I am doing a fabulous job at self care and am now going to just be doing it for me.

Light Heart
Light Heart
2 years ago

Very uplifting story, can’tbelievehechumpedme!

Thank you so much. Way to GO!

Creativerational
Creativerational
2 years ago

I got laid off from a decent but small time company because of Covid. Instead of staying home and taking govt payout and owing tax later because I suck at math, I joined a lawn landscaping crew. At 37, chubby, and not really lawn inclined, I learned how to run all the big ground tear up machines, plot tree removals, and threw 90 lb rolls of sod for 5 months 6-7 days a week, rain or shine, 10 hours a day. – from snow to +40 c (pretty sure it’s over 100 in Fahrenheit) and 90% humidity … for usually less than 1000 bucks a week after tax. Then I took a temporary job back in my field and have kicked ass for 9 months. And am now leaving that temp position to take a promotion to director of operations at a company I was working with – they liked my work and attitude enough that they recruited me away, with a permanent role. They didn’t post it, I didn’t interview- they just want me. Hells yes, I am mighty, I will get my shot as soon as I can, and Covid can lick my grits.

FYI
FYI
2 years ago

This is super-impressive! And sounds so cool.

Hopium4years
Hopium4years
2 years ago

For someone “not really lawn inclined” you got to do some really cool stuff! And after that you ended up back in your field and got a quick promotion. Way to go!

Attie
Attie
2 years ago

No shots for me (yet). I did a simulation of when I would be eligible (in France) and last I looked it was 70 and up, or people with comorbidities. I’m ok with that anyway. I’m retired and can stay out of people’s way until I can get my shots. It’ll happen when it happens. FW has been gone 10 years and back in the States 5 so life is good (for me, not sure/nor do I care, about him). My oldest son got blind-sided last May by his wife who “out of nowhere” wanted a trial separation and “we can act like we’re divorced during that time”. She admitted she had feelings for someone – turns out it was the photographer at their wedding (they were friends). My son phoned me distraught while I was up in the mountains hiking and I kept losing network as he poured his heart out to me. But thanks to CL and CN I was chief cheerleader for him (although admittedly I don’t look good in a short skirt). I told him he was NOBODY’S Plan B and he needed to put his foot down immediately, not let his wife screw around for 3 months and then see if Plan A was better. And thankfully he agreed with me and HE insisted on the divorce going forward – much to her shock! He did get stuck in Switzerland in a hotel for 5 weeks as he wasn’t allowed to cross the border into France to stay here with us, but he’s come through just fine now. He’s buying an apartment (should be ready in July) and has been living with me in the meantime, and I feel I actually got my son back. I always felt he sided with FW ex because after beating the shit out of me for about 45 minutes FW would burst into tears. Son would say “I know you’re strong and he’s not and I need to take care of him”. Not that that’s an excuse but …. I got my son back and he is, I would say, happier than he’s been since he first got married. DS2 is now a papa to a 3 week old baby and we’re all mutually in love. I was so, so desperately unhappy in my marriage to FW and honestly didn’t see a way out of it – he had me so beaten down, but here’s little ole me 10 years later positively rockin’. Hang in there chumps, there truly is life on the other side!

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
2 years ago

Eggshell Manor to Love Schack. Haha! Love this.

I’m also 60 and managing ok. Learning how to be alone is a gift. But, in my case, I think I had a lot of practice. FW managed to be away a lot–sports, fishing, work, whoring. So, I guess I honed my alone skills throughout my 35-year marriage. But now I’m alone and at peace. That’s priceless. No more sullen, withholding and demanding FW to please. As much as I wouldn’t wish this betrayal on anyone, I’m “happy” that it forced me to leave him. I would have stayed forever and continued in clueless misery.

Chump Truck
Chump Truck
2 years ago

I don’t feel mighty yet, but I recognize that I’m happier in a lot of ways. DDay was 10 months ago, divorce final 5 months ago so I’m still struggling with sadness and remembering all the hurtful and negatives things he said to me, during the 11 yrs of marriage but especially at discard. In the good days, though, I appreciate being able to come home to a house I pay for/maintain and not having to walk on eggshells. The kids and I have so much fun together, without a party pooper anchored to us “if he decided to play family that day.” I’ve been finding the “old me” again, since I no longer have to focus on HIM all the time. I’ve managed to line someone up to mow my yard, redo the landscaping, and I even caught a leak in my roof and got someone over to repair it. My kids haven’t met the AP yet, although I know it’s coming soon. That’s what I’m dreading for now. Once that big hurdle is crossed, I’m hoping I can make some more positive steps towards mighty.

Attie
Attie
2 years ago
Reply to  Chump Truck

Ya see, we CAN do it can’t we. Actually, it’s a damn sight easier without them most of the time!

Lisa
Lisa
2 years ago

I am three years out from D Day, two years from the divorce. I have helped my oldest head off to McGill Univtersity in Montreal (we live in Georgia) where he is rocking a 3.7 and plans to get his masters. I helped get my daughter into a private high school for her dyslexia (finishing her second year) where is excelling beyond my wildest dreams. She just got accepted for a paid internship at the city’s art museum and was selected by her school to attend an upcoming future leadership conference. We rented in the city for two years and just bought us a little townhouse in west midtown this month. Handling the constantly changing plans of a university and high school student, while also working full time as an event coordinator and traveling. I have also met a really nice guy and we have been dating for 6 months. Turning 45 in two days, and my normal feels a hell of lot better than it did three years ago.

can’tbelievehechumpedme
can’tbelievehechumpedme
2 years ago
Reply to  Lisa

Love this.

Mitz
Mitz
2 years ago

Mighty for me involves stopping the negative self talk the second it begins. That shit stops now.

It also means I no longer take criticism from someone I wouldn’t take advice from.

Covid shot booked for early May.

Chump Truck
Chump Truck
2 years ago
Reply to  Mitz

I need to focus more on this myself. We’re so much better than those thoughts!

Mitz
Mitz
2 years ago
Reply to  Chump Truck

The inside jobs are important too; my mind used to be like a run away train of all my failings and shortcomings, and of all the awful qualities the ex and my mother accused me of.

Then one day I decided to stop. When those thoughts come I refuse to entertain them now.

Looby_Lou
Looby_Lou
2 years ago

Key worker throughout. Last sickday 5+ years ago.

Mitz
Mitz
2 years ago
Reply to  Looby_Lou

omg Looby_Lou !

Motherchumper99
Motherchumper99
2 years ago

6.5 years out: got my second shot a month ago and because fiancé and teens are also vaccinated we went on vacation to HI (still needed PCR test— ok by me!). We had a lovely time and really unplugged. I laid on the beach and read 3 books. Not a cheater in sight. XH tried to Hoover but I’m so over his dysfunctional ways— AP got what she deserved…. a fw cheating liar who is trying to text his XW (me!) for kibbles from their bed. ????????????????. Nope! Block.

Pink Flamingo
Pink Flamingo
2 years ago

During the pandemic I left the physically abusive cheater. The sociopath put me in the hospital. As I was getting discharged from the ER, the doctor looked at me and told me to take my kids and run. I went through the courts during the pandemic to get a protective order and sole custody of my children. We moved out of state closer to family for support. I got a better paying job. Once it was safe, I packed up, cleaned out, and sold the marital home. I got pre-approved for a mortgage and am using my share of the profits to house hunt for a new home for kids and I. All this within a year. I’m exhausted and still working on the details to finalize the divorce but I feel mighty. I read here everyday and Chumplady literally saved my life. Thanks CL!

LezChump
LezChump
2 years ago
Reply to  Pink Flamingo

Thank you for sharing your story, Pink Flamingo – I wish you & your kids all the best and time/space to heal.

Sandyfeet
Sandyfeet
2 years ago
Reply to  Pink Flamingo

You are Mighty Pink Flamingo ????

Newlady15
Newlady15
2 years ago

Got my vaccine. Ontario is a sh#Tahoe right now. Living my cheater free life is my mighty Every. Single. Day.

Love to all! Stay healthy!

Newlady15
Newlady15
2 years ago
Reply to  Newlady15

Sh#tshow

Longtime Chump
Longtime Chump
2 years ago

I don’t feel mighty, but I have survived this time and that is something. I’ve helped kids navigate their world imploding due to COVID attempting to keep things as normal as possible. We survived virtual school. I retained an attorney and started the separation process, which has been hard, trying and with little movement. My stbx has filed really hostile paperwork with slander about me, and yet I’m still here, ya know doing the parenting and all the unglamorous daily tasks. Meanwhile he continues to lie and be shady, and want he credit for any good that comes despite absences and little effort. I started working on my doctorate, not great timing for me but I had no idea just separating would take so long! I also have a new job, and its not my dream job its a step. And in the middle of the pandemic I took care of covid patients, prior to vaccines. I’m mourning the lie of my life, and some days really regret taking these steps. This is hard as hell. I see why I kept blinders on for so long.

LezChump
LezChump
2 years ago
Reply to  Longtime Chump

That sounds like way more than just survival to me! But I’m also celebrating survival right now. People who are Jewish will understand: I want to say the Shecheyanu prayer every day (“Thanks for bringing us to this season.”). I certainly said it when I got my vaccine shots.

BlueSansa
BlueSansa
2 years ago

Dumped cheater who put me and my family at risk during COVID.
Got my shots – both of them
Took myself for one month trip to Montego Bay
#onwardsandupwards

Ready to Move On
Ready to Move On
2 years ago

I want to thank Chump Lady for sending me a personal email! What an honor.!!

im not sure how I am really mighty right now. After I finally filed for divorce I found out stbx had filed in March! I did not know it. He had it sent to an old email address that I rarely use and I just happened to check it and found the divorce petition. He could have had them send it to my current email, serve me at work, call me and let me know about it, but no I was almost in default.
My attorney was not too worried about that and he is working on consolidation of the two cases.
This situation really brought home for me I am done done done with this jackass.
I’ve been diagnosed with severe depression and ptsd due to his antics.
I’m so looking forward to being completely done as I think many if my symptoms will be relieved.
I take lots of inspiration from other chumps who are on the other side.

COFox
COFox
2 years ago

Love the cartoon Tracy! I have had both Moderna vaccine shots and had no issues – age 68. Good luck to you! As far as being mighty I stepped out of my comfort zone and took up golf two years after DDay at age 66. Having fun even though my golf game sucks!! Hey I am outdoors in a beautiful mountain town and playing golf with my new wonderful husband. Life is great! As I have said before I don’t think I would be in this position in life if I had not found CL and CN. You all showed me the way to mighty!

Sandyfeet
Sandyfeet
2 years ago

This Earth Day month I volunteered in conjunction with beach town & Florida Oceanography Society. There were 3 boatloads of volunteers & scientists. We planted seagrass in the lagoon. This will help the wild life and improve water quality. I was one the older (62)volunteers, but I did it. I did not think about estranged husband or the mess he’s made. I have pride in doing something positive for our adult children and sweet grandchildren. They’ve had NC with him for two years. I filed January 2019. He’s been uncooperative & now trial has been moved to next year. Married 36 years when filed, I’m learning everyday how much more I’m capable.

NotYourPlanB
NotYourPlanB
2 years ago

I feel very mighty lately, 5 years out from D-day and 3 years out from divorce.

I’ve had my 2 shots.

I survived a year quarantined with young kids + homeschooling them while working a 3/4 time job from home. I simultaneously pulled us out of post-divorce debt and have righted our ship and my career, wrote a book for my work, planted a huge garden, and started new hobbies.

I did NOT have to spend that quarantine time stuck with my ex.

I found what appears to be a very promising romance, in the midst of Covid (yeay online dating!). That’s going on 8 months and so far it only gets better each week!

Are my ex and his now-wife AP still bothering me? Very little. Will they manage to rattle me again? Of course, as our parenting plan is still a pain in the rump. Are kid-dropoffs still irritating when the AP always gathers the kids instead of their own father? Absolutely. Will I ever see the full amount of $$ he owes me? Probably not. But I can officially say that thanks to time, studious no-contact, and refocusing, most of the time I honestly don’t care. I’m fully supporting my own family, and it’s rare for my blood pressure to go up regarding him.

And now to buy myself a brand new mountain bike……

Bees
Bees
2 years ago

I was shocked enough to learn of Knave-man’s seven-year affair, until he openly admitted to three other “dalliances.” I’ll bet there were more. All while I faithfully worked, raised our children, put his desires above mine, and cared for his mother and father till the end.

I’m struggling to summon up as much mighty as is possible, and this group is a real asset to help keep my focus on what’s acceptable to me and what’s best for me. Our children are grown, so the priority now is ME !

Think I’ll say it again ~ ME !

CleotheFormerChump
CleotheFormerChump
2 years ago

The mightiest thing I’ve done in the last year is bring my (now) 90 year old Mom to live with me. My D-days are long past, and I’ve been a resident of Meh for several years now. No real dating opportunities for a middle-aged woman in my small town, so I have settled into being happily single–really happy with the little house I bought, the garden I work in, the job I love. Last summer my mom had a medical emergency (unrelated to Covid, but you can imagine how much more fun dealing with hospitals and health problems for an 89 year old lady during the epidemic height was). I went to NJ for what I thought would be a week, stayed for three, and when I returned –after what was a spontaneous but good decision–I had my mom along, with all the possessions she could cram into my car!

And since that day we have been just great! I was worried about giving up privacy, and how we would get along day to day, but we have a sweet, loving household together. Her house in NJ has been sold, and we are both really happy that instead of spending her last years alone, she’s here with me. I’ve been able to keep her safe from Covid risk–AND we are having a great time. Last night we drank pink champagne with dinner (because she likes it and we felt like it) and swooned over romantic costume dramas all evening.

It helps that at 90 my mom is 100% compos mentis (we should all be so lucky) and a cool lady to boot.

It’s not at all how I expected these years of my life to be, but here we are, and it’s just fine.

We’re both fully vaccinated, and I am SO looking forward to introducing her to my circle of friends–she has heard about them, and they about her, for decades, so some happy (fully vaccinated) gatherings will be happening soon.

So yes, I feel mighty for the happy life I have been able to make for her last years. Let’s hear it for loving moms and daughters!

Bees
Bees
2 years ago

Oh Cleo, you’re such an inspiration.
I’m in the midst of deciding how I want to live the rest of my life post D-day with the Knave-man, and my 88-year old mother has asked me to move in with her – she has outlived almost all of her friends and family. I hesitate unless she requires my care; just think I would be miserable. Resettling myself here in the little seaside town I love — and having both her and my special-needs sister move in with ME, however, could enrich all of our lives, as well as preserve my own.

I am already appreciating this putting-me-first-method of thinking. It’s working ! ; )
Hope I don’t become selfish, though.

CleotheFormerChump
CleotheFormerChump
2 years ago
Reply to  Bees

Aww, thanks for the kind words! But yes, find a nice place for you, your Mom & your Sis (or revision the place you are in, if it will suit), and a little seaside town sounds just lovely. Tell your Mom to ditch the old place and all the furniture and baggage while she is still mobile, alert, capable, etc. to get out and enjoy things–even just a walk. Now that my Mom is here we wish she’d come 7-8 years ago. Good luck with your changes.
And you HAVE to be a little selfish. No one else is looking out for your happiness.

ChumpQueen
ChumpQueen
2 years ago

Let’s see… I’m halfway to fully vaccinated, I bought a little yellow house in a historic river town near the ocean (just waiting for the pink climbing roses to arrive), and I’m a step away from returning to teaching. My kids and I are closer than ever, and I spend my money on every little frivolous thing I damn well want (like a handmade swing chair from Lithuania, a Mercedes sports coupe, and cinnamon rolls for breakfast)!

I’m feeling Tuesday morning in the life I’ve always wanted – no tension, no need to do anything I don’t want to, and no more resentful, lying, stingy, absent, judgmental, lazy, controlling, adolescent toad in my bed. Just me and two fluffy, purring kittens.

Life is, indeed, good.

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
2 years ago

Mighty=not apologizing

Mighty=getting in touch with my needs/want

Mighty=being assertive (dammit!)

Mighty=believing (truly believing) that I am worthy

Mighty=no more eggshell walking

Mighty=getting to meh (slowly but surely not giving two shits about my ex or the OW and knowing that they are indeed meant for each other–two peas in a putrid pod). I finally understand what CL means when she says that karma is those two being together.

Betteroff22
Betteroff22
2 years ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

You’ve broken down what “Mighty” means and I love it!

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
2 years ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

One more (which should be easy, but it isn’t for me):

Mighty=understanding what I’m feeling. The heart and brain were separated a while back, so they’re only now getting reacquainted.

NewlyMintedChump
NewlyMintedChump
2 years ago

Thank you Tracy for the constant encouragement to move forward. I have managed to survive finding my marriage was a fraud, ensuing divorce, sale of house, finding a new job and relocating to a new state. I feel more and more meh. I sure don’t want or miss him. But I do think I miss having a companion. That’s been hard to work on – that and friends, but I’m getting there! I took in a cat during the freeze here in Texas. Trying to rehome him – so still surviving that! I can barely take care of myself, much less a pet, but it’s coming along! What else – I have asked my ex to honor a commitment to send me an item. He asked if I would reconsider. I said no. I’ve lost enough. Anyways, that felt good – sticking to my guns and not feeling sorry where I shouldn’t. Happy Friday to all!

Adelante
Adelante
2 years ago

It’s not that I don’t feel mighty, so much as I feel stymied. Every time I feel that I’m either ready to–or can–start to act on my plans for my future life, there’s been a crisis: with my aging (now 95) mother, the pandemic. The first crisis with my mom happened before the pandemic, when a week after I retired I had to move 1000 miles away to care for her for six months, only to return home in March 2020, just as the pandemic was ramping up. I spent a relatively peaceful although lonely year following the health directives and making plans for when the pandemic lifted. Then last month, just a month after my two shots of the Dolly Parton-Moderna shot, and just four days before a trip I had planned to go look at houses in another state, my mother had another crisis.

Now I am back at my mother’s again, caring for her and managing her long overdue move to assisted living. (She fell again yesterday so we spent yesterday afternoon at the Emergency room.) It looks, in fact, as if I will be moving into her place, making a commitment to live there a year to help with her transition and have time to clear out her condo. I would prefer not to have to do this, but it is a compromise between two competing values of mine, which are to re-build my life on my terms and to do my duty to my mother. But if I moved her in and left her high and dry, I could not live with myself (and that includes living with the person I’d be once I started justifying having done so), and at least I will be back in the part of the country where I grew up, and want to move, and so able to watch the market and pounce if there’s a good buy.

Spinach@35
Spinach@35
2 years ago
Reply to  Adelante

Oh, Adelante!

That’s tough.

Here’s what separates you from your FW: “But if I moved her in and left her high and dry, I could not live with myself (and that includes living with the person I’d be once I started justifying having done so)….”

FWs seem to have no problem living with themselves while justifying their behavior.

Hope you strike it rich.

Oh, and you are mighty!

Adelante
Adelante
2 years ago
Reply to  Spinach@35

Thanks, Spinach. Your comments, whether directed my way or to others, always lift my spirits!

Flower
Flower
2 years ago
Reply to  Adelante

Following an international relocation post divorce I now live with elderly mother and sibling to stretch everybody’s resources.

I am grateful that the discard brought me knowledge about covert narcissism/borderline (cluster b’s), a thing which, since I started educating myself in such matters, I know has always been part of my life (FOO). At least now I have a name for it all. It has come as a relief.
I am still dealing with covert narcissism/borderline with my mother, and my sibling and I are now maintaining medium chill or very low contact to protect ourselves. It’s not ideal but there is nothing else that can be done.

Flower
Flower
2 years ago
Reply to  Flower

On the other hand, and this is likely my main worry—most people here seem to be doing fine, but in my case

I did not get enough out of the divorce thanks to no fault divorce. And the fact that I had to relocate for family responsibilities reasons to an area where jobs prospects are not nearly those of where I was in the marriage leaves me in a stupid situation.

So, in a nutshell, I feel I am abused further by an ideological position that is on the side of the cheater. That is, no monetary punishment for the cheater and compensation for damages for the harmed party because of no fault divorce. And feminism has a lot to do with this. Throwing out the baby with the bathwater. And not admitting to it out of pride.

Interestingly there are only a few voices here in favor of fault-divorce-on-grounds-of-adultery so I gather that there is large ideological consensus on no fault divorce. I owe my post divorce life situation to that ideological position. So by logic I have to admit that that ideological position sided with the cheater in his destruction of me.

And on top of that one is deemed unsuitable for dating because one has been financially decimated in the divorce. Whose voice is that? That of those who feel superior because they got out just fine. Well, I am definitely very inferior.

Bees
Bees
2 years ago
Reply to  Adelante

Stymied is a good word for it, Adelante.
D-day was just before the pandemic, and I face your very same challenges with my mother and special needs sister, so it is difficult to move forward with a predictable plan. But not stepping up is not an option for us, as we are working toward a future that will include the peace of mind that we did the right thing.
Step one for me = releasing Knave-man so that all my energies can go toward mother, sister, and self.
Hoping for the best for you.

Adelante
Adelante
2 years ago
Reply to  Bees

I feel the same way you do, that “not stepping up is not an option,” and that stepping up is a way to achieve peace of mind later.
I hope you are able to come up with a workable plan–one that leaves time for you, too.

Eilonwy
Eilonwy
2 years ago
Reply to  Adelante

I hope you can make time for yourself from Day 1 when you move in with your mom. Maybe that means joining a gym for near daily me-time or taking every Tuesday night off to see friends, linger in a bookstore, or go to the movies (I am imagining a post-pandemic world, obviously). You are being a great daughter, but I hope you are as kind to yourself as you are to her through this tough period. See if there are community centers where your mom can spend a few hours each week to give you some time alone at home as well.

Adelante
Adelante
2 years ago
Reply to  Eilonwy

Thanks for your caring words. Mom is going to move into assisted living, and I am going to stay in her condo in the same town for the summer, to clear it out. I will likely then move my things in so I can be in town to help her adjust to assisted living, but I took Amiisfree’s words to heart about trying things out, and told Mom I needed the summer to see if a longer term arrangement was something I could do.

A Shy Chump
A Shy Chump
2 years ago

Clumped lurker here. I am kinda shy, so I do not leave many comments, but I survived a divorce and a pandemic and I’m a freaking badass because of it. Learning the skills to navigate all of that has set me up to handle almost anything coming my way.

I found out about the affair the end of January 2020. This discovery came close to the end of him obtaining his second degree in nursing… yes, I had supported him through 4 years of school. Did the reconciliation dance for about two weeks until he decided it was too hard and ran back to his girlfriend. On his way out, he told me I hadn’t sacrificed anything and changed the entire narrative of our relationship history to support his choices. He sees himself as a hero…escaping the clutches of a toxic marriage. According to him, we had communication issues, he was so lonely, and I was selfish. I was stunned. I had just spent 4 years putting every single one of my dreams on hold and working my ass off, so he could change his career. I was drowning in health issues from the stress…I gave him my best fertility years.

It took me awhile and with tons of help from therapy, Chump Lady’s book, and the incredible community here, to be able to surface from the ocean of his lies. It’s been an incredibly lonely road navigating all of this through a pandemic. It was messy and I am not at meh yet, but I am hopeful. I got a dog. I got Covid. I got my vaccines. I survived. Thank you all for your words of strength and resilience. You’ve helped out a little chumped lurker more than you know. I will be at meh one day. I hope to be able to realize my dreams of having a child with a man who is good and kind and has integrity, but if I run out of time, I’m going to travel the world. Either way, it will be a beautiful life. And the best part is, he won’t be there to see it.

Letitsnow
Letitsnow
2 years ago
Reply to  A Shy Chump

Shy Chump:

Letting go is hard
But
Being free is beautiful

I am 6 years our from dday and 5 from divorce. I just said to a girlfriend today without thinking,
“I have never in my life been so happy as the last 2 years”.

Takes a while to get there, but you will.
Hugs
LIS

Adelante
Adelante
2 years ago
Reply to  A Shy Chump

That selfish bastard never should have let you put him through school without an agreement (with specifics) from him of how you would be repaid.

I’m glad you’re free of that self-justifying taker.

OHFFS
OHFFS
2 years ago
Reply to  A Shy Chump

Hey, now that you’ve broken the ice, don’t be a stranger. Your example of resilience could inspire new chumps.

Fuckwits always rewrite history and project their failings onto the chump. Their delusions help them to they live with their shitty selves. It must suck to be such a loser that you have to lie to yourself and to others just to feel okay. It’s horrifying when you hear their rancid bullshit spoken aloud, but it helps cement in your mind how hopeless they are so you can detach. I appreciate hearing your story, Shy Chump.

A Shy Chump
A Shy Chump
2 years ago
Reply to  OHFFS

Yes! Now that I’m on the other side of this mountain of pain, I want nothing more than to help other chumps through it if I can. I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy. Thank you for your response. It’s so nice to hear validation regarding what I’ve learned from what he said and did. Understanding why he said and did things breaks it down where I can see my truth.

Eilonwy
Eilonwy
2 years ago
Reply to  A Shy Chump

I think if we made this movie, we’d call it “The Taker Who Thought All He Did Was Give.” In the version I’m directing, it does not have a happy ending for the poor, sad martyr, but you are revealed in the final scenes to be riding trains across glorious landscapes with a child in your lap pointing at amazing things out the window.

SerenityNow
SerenityNow
2 years ago
Reply to  Eilonwy

Eilonwy, I love this vision.

A Shy Chump
A Shy Chump
2 years ago
Reply to  Eilonwy

That is perfect! I can’t wait to experience this movie.

Claire
Claire
2 years ago

In the UK the first lockdown was end of March 2020…I noticed the strange happening within a week. DDay being end of July. With a younger work colleague OMG such a cliche. 31 years married. 34 together. 3 children together plus grandchildren…. A whole fricken life. Anywhoo I worked throughout the whole lockdown in a secondary school with no kids there because they were all at home ????????. But I continued to check upon their welfare along with their parents welfare especially for the most vulnerable. Plus I felt for all those who don’t teach who suddenly had to teach several children at different stages in a confined space ????????‍♀️????????‍♀️….. They are the true heroes ????????. It was a bit of a saving grace for me in a way along with the support of my family and close friends. I’m in the divorce grinder at the moment…. Its tough. I’ve had my jabs wooohoo offered them early due to working in education. Hugs to y’all (I love saying that). Keep on being mighty. You inspire me everyday x

SerenityNow
SerenityNow
2 years ago

It’s so inspiring reading everyone’s comments. I needed this challenge today because I forget how mighty I’ve been over the past few years dealing with FW. DDay was in June 2019 when we were already separated but I found out he’d been cheating on me for most or all of our marriage. I filed two weeks later and then dealt with hoovering, pick me dancing, anger, sadness, etc., all while working full time and raising our two children. The divorce was final in March 2020, just 5 days before everything shut down (phew). Ex died 7 weeks after the divorce was entered.

So I’ve navigated home schooling for the kids, working full time, kid grief and anger, my grief and anger, my 15 year old’s depression and anxiety, home repairs, and applying for social security death benefits for both kids. On the more positive side, life is more peaceful and far less chaotic for all of us. I have more money in the bank than ever when I was married because cheaters are expensive. I started buying myself nice shoes and clothes again. I bought a new car, keeping the older one because 15 year olds turn into 16 year olds who can drive. I maintained my garden AND got my covid shots – team Pfizer! I want to travel domestically but I have one kid who is on board, and one who isn’t.

I’m still not at meh. Trying to find me again. A friend asked if I had started dating and I looked at her blankly, like “dating? What’s that?” I have too much on my plate to think about it right now. My kids need me. I need me. I’m still healing. Kids are still healing. Everyone’s in therapy. I’m grateful for this blog, everyone’s contributions, and the book, which got me through, safe and sane.

OHFFS
OHFFS
2 years ago
Reply to  SerenityNow

Such mightiness! You’ve been going through a lot of changes and challenges in a very short time.

I agree about dating. Healing absolutely must come first.

SerenityNow
SerenityNow
2 years ago
Reply to  OHFFS

OHFFS, I don’t know that I’ll ever muster up the energy or inclination to date again. And I’m starting to get okay with that.

OHFFS
OHFFS
2 years ago
Reply to  SerenityNow

Me too, SN, and good for you. Lots of people are single their whole lives, so we can do this. It’s just weird after being so used to being partnered, or at least thinking we were.