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Why Does He Hate Me?

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Hi Chump Lady,

My ex cheated with Schmoopie, up-ed and left what I thought was the perfect life, home, and family, to move three hours away from me and my three amazing young girls to move in with a twice-divorced home-wrecking whore and her two kids.

I’ve been fighting him now in court and through attorneys for three years. While my heart is full of joy and love today, I keep asking myself — why does he hate me so much? Why does he feel the need to destroy me and my character? Why does he ALWAYS do the wrong thing regarding the kids? Why the venom towards my parents, my nephews, his own godson, my entire family who did nothing but love him? He’s made it his mission in life to make me out to be the bad guy.

I supported his ass through thick and thin. I still do. The legal system is so fucked up, that he’s only made to pay for 25% of the kids. That doesn’t even begin to cover the cost of even one of my children. I’ve come out on the other side and am stronger then ever. I’ve gotten myself to the point where I KNOW I can conquer anything I put my mind to. I don’t need him for anything!

I still have that burning question though — Why does he hate me? What the fuck did I do, aside from being a loyal, loving, caring wife and mother who has always supported his sorry ass? I’ve read that cheaters have to do that in order to sleep at night, but WTF! Can you help me solve this mystery?

Jen

Dear Jen,

I don’t know, Jen. It’s one of the Great Fuckwit Mysteries. I imagine there is a sphinx somewhere and if we could only answer the Cheater Riddle, the sphinx won’t strangle and devour us. Which creature speaks with one voice, but becomes four-footed and two-footed and three-footed? (Answer: “WE’RE JUST FRIENDS!”)

Haters hate. This is the chump cue to be introspective and examine what you did to drive him to loathe you. My guess is consequences. If you’ve been in court for three years, apparently you did not take his “abandon the family” thing lightly. Being any sort of obstacle to fuckwit happiness makes you Public Enemy Number One. How could you, Jen? What, did you ask for more child support or something?

Forgive my cynicism. I just accept hate as a given when divorcing a fuckwit. I know we’re all supposed to aspire to conscious uncoupling (not to be confused with unconscious coupling, which is more of a Bill Cosby thing). Don’t think ill of the other parent, wish them well, share Thanksgiving, go on Carnival cruises together… There is this weird societal benchmark that to succeed at divorce you must part friends. So you probably came to this with the wrong set of expectations — that you would part, divvy up the stuff, and be all adult about it. Heck, you probably thought that since he WANTED this divorce and you GAVE him a divorce, he’d be civil. What’s his beef? He’s got a fabulous new life with Schmoopie. Why is he hating on his former nephew?

A couple theories on why he hates you… (I’m indulging in untangling the skein of fuckupedness. Not recommended practice.)

1. ) Consequences. It’s one thing to ask for a divorce. It’s another thing entirely to get it. Lawyers send these horrible legal bills. You lose your stuff. If the cheater can’t have cake (All the kibbles! No consequences!), then they’d prefer an uncontested divorce in which you absolve them from all responsibility. Like children.

You didn’t do that. Schmoopie sparkles are gonna cost him and that’s SO UNFAIR!

2.) Triangles are so fun. You serve a useful purpose as Obstacle. Anything wrong in Schmoopieville, it’s all your fault. What with your incessant, irrational demands that he pay for his children. But it’s okay, your centrality as the Evil Ex keeps the Other Woman off balance trying to please him. (See how AWESOME I am compared to your ex? I NEVER ask you for money! My children live on air! Watch me contort myself into tiny shapes of obsequiousness!)  If you just removed your villainy and left them to it, well… they’d have each other. Ugh.

3.) It’s What The Disordered Do. I recently had the pleasure of interviewing Bill Eddy (lawyer, mediator over at the High Conflict Institute) and he said the telltale sign you’re dealing with a disordered person, is blameshifting.

Eddy says people with personality disorders stand out in three ways. First, “they really lack self-awareness of their behavior and its impact on others.” Second, says Eddy, disordered people don’t change their behavior, no matter how self-defeating, even when it’s in their own best interest to do so. Third, they are obsessed with blaming others.

“[High conflict people] are really stuck in a narrow range of dysfunctional behavior that they repeat and repeat. And you can’t change them for the better. Just forget about it!”

The biggest giveaway that you’re dealing with a personality disorder, says Eddy, is that they “blame others for all of their own problems. Since they don’t reflect on their own behavior, they have incredible energy for scrutinizing everyone else’s behavior.”

Sound familiar?

I know it’s absolutely gobsmacking that someone can cheat on you, lie to you, blame you for their abuse, and still have the delusional chutzpah to think THEY are the aggrieved party. But they do.

My advice here at CL is trust that they suck. Is it baffling that they suck? Is it unjust that they suck? Yes. But the most important thing about the suck is getting AWAY from the suck.

You’re free of him. Who cares if he hates you? Let him hate. Wave your fingers at him and smile. Abide the court order. Hold him accountable. Don’t give him any kibbles of centrality, and build your new life as sane parent to your three girls — three awesome girls he’s missing out on, the loser.

We’ll close out with Ms. Jill Scott, “Hate On Me, Hater.” Turn up the volume, Jen. And good luck.

This one ran before. I had my second shot yesterday and feeling a bit less than tip-top.

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Ask Chump Lady

Got a question for the Chump Lady? Or a submission for the Universal Bullshit Translator? Write to me at info@chumplady.com. Read more about submission guidelines.
  • I’m in this now. I’ve been asking myself the same thing over and over. There’s no sense to it.

    At least I’m out of it and not the only one to have to deal with this.

    I’m out.

    • Yes. It is so hard to understand how they can take up with a two bit whore, who let’s be honest in most cases they know she is a two bit whore. What happens in their minds to say “oh wow, this is the one” I am not whore blaming, but what is it these whores do or provide that hooks the cheater. Putting aside they are cheaters, what is the hook that makes them leave a good spouse for the whore.

      In my fw’s case she was his direct report; I don’t know if that played into it, I doubt it as he was a cheater long before her. (I didn’t know it until after he left).

      If it was just him, I would say; oh well he fell madly in luv etc. But, it is too common. There has to be a common answer, not that we will ever find it.

      • When I figured out my ex was cheating, and did some digging, I found a letter that the cheatress had given my ex. It was very “poor you, you work so hard, you deserve better”. She was telling him exactly what he wanted to hear (he had this thing about how he was so important because he worked so hard and was the breadwinner). She is married and has three kids so the times they were together were “work” trips, at resorts.

        It’s all Fantasy Island. It’s pretty easy to have a wonderful life with someone when you’re in la-la land for a few days. There’s no laundry, no kids, no making of dinner, and work is on the back burner.

      • In my ex fuckwit’s case, the whore was his co-worker. I think he ‘fell’ for her because I finally stopped feeding his ego. It got extremely tiresome to always tell him he was wonderful. I could go on and on with ways that I had to stop what I really felt like saying because I didn’t want to deal with the consequences whenever I did, but the point is that the whore was ‘new’. She ate up his crap that he said about himself and she told him how wonderful he was. I couldn’t compete with that. I saw ‘through the veil’ to the narcissistic jerk that he is and I wasn’t willing to tell him he was wonderful anymore…, because he wasn’t. He was wonderful in his own mind. Oh, everyone around me would tell me how wonderful he was and that I was so lucky to be his wife. After a while I started saying, “You’re not married to him.” That was when I knew our marriage was falling apart. Unbeknownst to me, it had been falling apart a long time before because he had his skank on the side. But when I stopped telling him (or showing him) that he was wonderful, that’s when he said, “You’ve changed!” I said, “No I haven’t. This is how I’ve felt for a long time. I just finally decided to tell you how I really felt.” And that’s when I was essentially ‘done’. I wish I had stood up for myself a long time ago. My marriage would have ended many, many years prior but I would hope that I would have had more years to like myself just the way I am. Instead I spent years trying to make a nincompoop like me. What a waste. And if you think your fuckwit has changed for the whore, I SERIOUSLY doubt it. That’s who they are. She deserves every bit of the narcissistic pig she worked hard to win. And she won the turd.

        • Agreed, Amazon. My story is super similar, with a slight twist. Dracula used to always ask me “Why are you with me?”, because in the beginning, it would be a praise-worthy laundry list that he LOVED to hear: you’re handsome, intelligent, funny etc. Asking that question went on for YEARS! Bordering on ridiculousness.

          Then, as the years went by, and I’d attend holiday parties or work picnics, I started to sense that something was wrong when his coworkers or boss would RUN to me, grab my hands and say “How in the HELL do you live with him?!?!” Now, years later, I think they had sharper Narc-Dar than I did, and knew he was a Narcissist. But the constant question, from people at multiple firms, gave me pause that something was wrong.

          • Mine pulled a bit of reverse psychology. He’d say, “Oh, I’m such a terrible person” for the sole purpose of me telling him he wasn’t. He was a terrible person. Or when I was the sole income earner he’d sigh as he made dinner and say, “This is all I’m good for.” It pretty much was all he was good for, but I couldn’t bear to tell him that.

            I also had multiple people try to warn me. The best man wrote in our wedding guestbook “Don’t expect me to come to the second one.” He knew his buddy better than I did. Prior to the wedding his own mother asked him, “So what does she see in you?”. Nevertheless I persisted and married Nitwit.

            Kudos to Nitwit’s shrink, who insisted I attend sessions with Nitwit to verify Nitwit’s account of his feelings and behavior, in itself an unusual move that showed he thought Nitwit was lying about being suicidal for the attention. Almost every session he would ask me how Nitwit treated me and reminded me that not all abuse is physical. I suspect he knew exactly what Nitwit was, but unfortunately NPD is not curable or even treatable. You cannot implant a conscience into someone who has no shame or empathy.

        • Wow Amazon Chump, your story is uncannily a lot like mine! Down to the detail of people telling me how lucky I was to be married to him etc etc. I’m just glad he’s out of my life.

      • They give them attention – centrality, prioritisation, special treatment. The lies they feed is double down this power trip (I know something she’s too much of a fool to know therefore I am superior). That’s literally how it works.

      • Saw a meme that explains the whore thing. It said Narcissist are attracted to anyone who believes their lies. So who better to believe their lies?

      • Mine left after a 30 year marriage for an actual whore; a foreign massage parlor sex worker who barely speaks English. He apparently mistook the services she provided for love. Although he insists he’s different. She really loves him! It had nothing to do with the fact that he’d liquidated one of our retirement accounts and was throwing money around like a Rockefeller. 🙄 So in his case, it had to have been purely about sex. And we did not have a sexless marriage. I’ll never forget the humiliation of having to get tested for STDs. Thank God I’m ok.

        He actually married the whore just before the pandemic hit, the ink on our divorce barely dry. So grateful I got a good lawyer and he was foolish enough not to hire one. I kept the house and my 401(k) and I get his pension when he dies. We had both just retired. I had to go back to work, but that is a small price to pay to be fuckwit free. He is now living with her in an apartment in a bad part of town, doing manual labor at 61 years old. I have no doubt the saying, “ Marry in haste, regret at leisure“ applies.

      • Susie, I eventually figured out that a woman has to meet three criteria for my Ex to get involved with them;
        – googly adoration eyes
        – open legs

        And if he’s been with a woman for a while, and the googly adoration eyes have faded (’cause ya know, real adult love has moments of adoration, but it more stable and grown up than that, plus he’s actually quite a difficult person, kind of hard to consistently adore), then ANYONE new who meets those two criteria will be next on his list.

        If the potential partner also offers excellent spousal appliance qualities, BONUS! He might try to hook them in for the medium term. But for affairs, only those two characteristics are necessary.

        My Ex actually told me that Schmoops wasn’t that attractive, and later that he hadn’t intended it to be a long-term relationship, it was just sex. This despite his quite happily accepting my kicking him out so he could be with her. (He was NOT happy when he realized that this time I wasn’t taking him back (this was Affair #2).

        So the idea that somehow the AP has something special or better than the current partner? Nah, that’s a myth perpetuated by Cheaters and APs. They are available and provide ego kibbles, that’s it that’s all.

        • Whoops, two criteria! I was going to add ‘new’ to the list, then realized it isn’t that important, because ‘googly adoration eyes’ means she HAS to be new. Once women actually KNOW him, they dump him. Took me a long time because, ya know, Chump. And kids. And all that.

  • Exact same for me. He was a master blame shifter. He cheated ( twice that I know of), stole our retirement fund, abused me every which way but Sunday but I’m the evil one because I reacted to the abuse and got upset about the theft (can’t retire now or probably ever), and the cheating. I guess things would have been just fine if I let him screw whoever he wanted and work my ass off to provide the spending money for him to do so since by the end he wouldn’t earn a living at all. SMDH

  • Hurrah for “this one ran before” … years of CN membership now and I don’t know this one.

    Hope ur back to yourself, covid-proof, very soon Tracy, and feeling fine.

    Bill Cosby. Threw my head back laughing. You’re terrible Muriel as we say in Aus (quote from Muriel’s Wedding, recommended).

    Shallow Cheating Fuckwit = Sad Sad Sausage so badly treated, that’s what Jen!! All chumps learn that one eventually. The blame shifting clue is gold, btw. Thanks CL, bookmark that one.

  • I love Jill Scott. She was *brilliant* as Precious Ramotswe in “The Ladies No. 1 Detective Agency”, just as I’d imagined her! 😂

    Re the hate thing, everything CL suggests as ‘reasons’ is spot on. I don’t really know if ex fucktard hates me, since I was totally NC from the start, but from everything I remember about him, I’m pretty sure he does. He was classic, really – *anything* adverse that ever happened to him was always someone else’s fault, he never took responsibility for anything he did or said.

    One of his favourite things to say about himself was “good people always get shat on”. How he managed to rationalise that is a mystery, considering he walked out on his first wife and two little daughters, never bothered to keep up contact with them, and then snivelled and whined because they’d have nothing to do with him.

    In the FDR, I got the full amount from the sale of our home, he got an £800 barrister’s bill. My solicitor told me, “he’s getting really angry now”. 😂😂😂

    • That’s funny my FW anyways always said “no good deed goes unpunished”. He thought he was doing good deeds. And anything bad that happened he blamed on the fact that he did a good deed and he can “never win for losing”. Cause no one respects him you see? No one bowed down to praise him for the deed.

  • Spot on!! My ex hates me so much because our only daughter is estranged from him due to continued bad choices. His narrative is that I alienate her and to that I say look inward!
    Her daughter is 15 1/2 and he insists that I’m interfering with court ordered parenting time, I say take me back to court and let our daughter tell the judge where she wants to be. He won’t do it because hating and harassing us this more in line with his disorder, keeps the drama going.

    • Exactly…because going in front of the judge would likely expose him as a fool and a jerk, and he knows it. But, you might consider getting in front of this and proactively asking a judge to modify custody time based on your daughter’s wishes, her mental health, and his harassing and bullying behavior towards her. I’d talk to a lawyer. From a strategic standpoint, it’s likely better to get a modified custody order then violate an existing one. Even if you’re morally in the right, a court might not see it that way…better to just get the modified custody IMO.

  • “I had my second shot yesterday and feeling a bit less than tip-top.”

    I hope that a day on the sofa, with Tylenol and some TLC will do it for you. Watch something (through your eyelids) that may make you laugh.

    Get well soon and hurray! You’ve joined the ranks of the fully-vaccinated!

  • ” Being any sort of obstacle to fuckwit happiness makes you Public Enemy Number One.”

    That’s pretty much it in a nutshell. If you’re not an enabler then you’re an obstacle or an enemy. My X, while he was still my H and the first D-Day was still fresh, said to me–while I was sobbing in the car of a parking lot where we were having a talk!–that he wanted us all (me, him, his newly revealed mistress) to be friends. “Like Demi Moore, Ashton Kutcher, and Bruce Willis,” he said. “I love that the three of them hang out together. I see us being like that.” This, of course, being during the time where Moore and Kutcher were freshly married and doing lots of friendly family promos with Willis in tow.

    Clearly, I was Bruce Willis in his scenario.

    It was bizarre that he could even think that. I was still fresh off D-Day. I still loved him. I still “wanted my husband and my marriage back” and I told him so in no uncertain, snotty, tissue-soaked terms. Basically, no. No I would not be the friendly third-wheel for him and his affair partner. Was he insane?

    He became a lot more…. unfriendly after that.

    When a cheater really invests into the fantasy of their new life they write a part out for you, the chump, and they expect you to play it in order to make their new story work. And, well, if you’re not on their side–even in the most bizarro of ways–then you’re against them. If you’re not prepared to roll over, take it, and accept your demotion from partner to sidekick… well, you’re also useful as a villain to the cheater. If you’re his villain then he still gets to keep you close and write out your part in his story.

    I take comfort in knowing that, no matter what X thinks of me, I am not his partner, sidekick, or his villain. I am estrangement itself. I am only now a monthly bill that he brought upon himself as a consequence for his actions. I have no contact with him otherwise and try my best to play no character roles in his play. His plays suck and they’re always heartbreaking.

    Having an X hate you is bewildering, particularly because, as the chump, we have generally done nothing wrong except love them. The hate is bizarre, isn’t it? But if he hates you then he still keeps you close; he is still keeping you a central figure in his story.

    Finish the legal part of the process and then then remove yourself from his life. Don’t be his friend and don’t be his enemy. Just be an empty space. I can promise you, if you’re looking for even the tiniest bit of chumpy vengeance, that total estrangement will piss him off more. But it will bring you more peace than the other roles do.

    • I was in sobs as Asshat handed me divorce paperwork while on a long walk. We then went to the house I would ultimately end up with which was being renovated. He actually wanted sex. He was quite surprised when I actually said NO. Quite the rejection injury apparently, as I received a horrible 3 page rape fantasy email that night. It was downhill from there.

      Not sure I will explain to my two adult kids why I will never speak to him again, even when I’m at future shared events. Thank God DS22 has decided to not participate in his Covid parking lot graduation from college.

    • Fourleaf, you and I have the same mindset. I, too, am just a monthly maintenance check. Nothing more. As soon as I received the divorce decree last April, I went incognito in order to heal and focus on me. I am now just a bank account and routing number to him. I even went off social media, which I thought was temporary, but one year out, and I have no desire to go back.

      I live in peace, make my own decisions, and I absolutely love the authentic relationships that I have built. Even friends that were there through the divorce process now see me as ME and not someone that went through a shit-show drama fest. We are all moving forward, and I have no idea what my exH thinks of me now. I’m good with that. Hopefully meh is next.

      I cannot recommend this to everyone enough.

    • AGREED! I am working on making myself an empty space in his life. This is fresh, as I just left him over a week ago, but already I know this is the way to go. Just staying focused and starting that road to meh.

      • Congrats, I See the Light! Hang in there. If you’re a wreck and haven’t been able to sleep or eat or think… it’s slow (as you noted), but you’ll gradually realize you’ve started to settle as time goes by. I needed to go NC, not just leave, to begin to feel safe and a little bit calmer. Glad you have Chump Lady. High quality reading (and re-wiring) material when you’re ruminating. So much better than all the crappy alternatives I found when I left.

    • Four leaf, My X also tried to get me to be Bruce Willis. He actually thought we were going to stay married while he kept his sex slave on a chain girlfriend. He wanted us to be friends. He offered to “mow the lawn and pay the taxes” for me. He was going to live with her most of the time, and then come and grace me and our daughter now and again with his presence. He said all of this with a straight face, as if I was actually going to do it. It was bizarre. I said, no, of course. And he was kind of like, “oh well, see ya later wife of 25 years”. And (see post below), it was all downhill and hatred from there. I think my husband’s head grew 10 times it’s normal size because OW was filling it with shit – I saw the emails. She was giving him money, fantasy sex on tap, all of her time, and telling him he was perfect in every way. It emboldened him, and he thought he was so fucking fantastic and I was a POS. He looked and acted differently. He dressed differently. He doesn’t look the same. It’s all so very confusing, but ultimately, he didn’t get what he wanted and now he’s pissed. It is bewildering, as you say, to be the one doing all the loving and then receiving all the hate.

      • This is my life! Except she is a 19 year old child whore, and it’s him throwing money around “like a rockerfella” 🤣
        She’s got a brand new car and he’s even given her mummy one!
        The HATE just switched on when I said no to being Bruce Willis… he thought I’d live in “his” house and raise the kids. And he would even give me a week off in school holidays when he and childwhore will take my kids to the beach! Wow!
        He’s even pretending he’s broke so he doesn’t have to share any of “his” spoils of 16 years of marriage.
        However, I wish you every happiness my Ashton and Demi (with him being Demi and childwhore being a much younger Ashton), as long as it’s FAR away from me!!

        • Wow, just wow. Mine is also pissed because our daughter doesn’t find it fun to hang out with the sex slave. My daughter much prefers to hang out with her mother, who is 52 years old and not a whore. Funny that. Apparently it’s my fault that our daughter doesn’t like them- he’s always looking for new ways to pin his failings on me. He even blames me for his current unemployment. How exactly did I achieve that one?

          • You started Covid! I knew it!

            LOL, just kidding, it can’t be your fault. It’s mine, just ask my ex. LOL

      • Ugh, what a loser, f/k/a. Been there. Embarrassing, how pathetic they are, and how they see themselves. It’s so hard to cut contact when they’re so hateful and conceited! We are naive and chumpy, but that doesn’t mean we don’t also have desires and expectations – and spines and self-respect. That these cheaters can delude themselves into believing we would have ever wasted a day of our lives on them if we saw who they really were/are, and if they weren’t coercing us into relationships with them? It’s really almost too much to bear, after everything. That, and the hate. But I realized, it’s not ‘…all that, and then THIS?’ It’s, ‘All that, OF COURSE this.’

        When I finally saw and accepted the truth, I didn’t want FW back. I wanted what he owed me and what I deserved. CL is so right about consequences being the trigger. The cycle might have gone on forever if I didn’t make myself ugly to him by finally having boundaries and asking for things, no matter how much he bullied and manipulated. (Though by the end he’d made such a public, disgraceful mess of himself that I think his blame shifting against me was already I surmountable – regardless of what I did/didn’t do.) At first I wanted him to know how abhorrent I found him and the entire situation, but now I truly understand that he’s the same as he ever was and it would only result in more anger, compartmentalizations, blame shifting, etc. – directed at me. I am struggling daily, and I am still sometimes choked with rage and helplessness at what FW has done, but I do not care a lick about his opinion of me or our relationship. I say that with 100% confidence. That, alone, signals a major shift.

        • B&R,
          I’m sorry you are struggling daily still. Me too. I find it hard to realize just how abusive he actually was. The horrid things he did to me are above and beyond the cheating. I minimized myself and my needs to the point of almost not existing at all. It’s hideous to think that someone you loved could be so horrible. We don’t deserve this.
          Big hugs. You’re a good person and you’re not alone.

  • Tracy, I wrote you a novelette, but the internet failed me. I’m back to say this, if the column was good enough to run once, it is good enough to run again!

    That second dose of of the “funky, cold Moderna” about ruined me for a few days. I hope you are up and snarky as ever soon! Better than before with the invisible superpower of antibodies!

    • Control. They want control. They hate you when they realise they don’t control you. Lundy Bancroft’s book “Why does he do that?” has been eye-opening when I could not grasp what was happening to me. To us. I don’t understand that irrational need for control, but that hypothesis made sense of the situation. And helped me regain sanity.

      • yes. this. Lundy saved my life. i’m 5 years out and I still remember the craziness. It’s like my mind can only handle remembering one awful crazy mind-numbing thing at a time….and from a distance.

  • Well, well, well. Mine fits Eddy’s definition of disordered. But I already knew that.

    What I hadn’t considered is this whole triangle business. “…your centrality as the Evil Ex keeps the Other Woman off balance trying to please him. (See how AWESOME I am compared to your ex? I NEVER ask you for money! My children live on air! Watch me contort myself into tiny shapes of obsequiousness!) If you just removed your villainy and left them to it, well… they’d have each other. Ugh.”

    This pleases me SO much!

    My disordered ex can’t function without a blame target. I have to say, though, that because I’m virtually NC with him, it can’t be as satisfying to use me as a blame target. I must be receding in his memory, just an evil ghost of an ex who poisoned his kids against him and took so much of his $$$. #greatlawyer

    Soooo, he may still heap the lion’s share of blame on me (whatevs!), but my guess is that he’s shifting some of it onto the OW. Just a hunch I have that’s born of 35 years with that disordered, abusive FW.

    Oh, and either way, he’s a miserable human being. I’m sure of that. I hope the OW is miserable, too. How could she not be? Contorting herself every day can’t be fun. I’m sure he hasn’t changed. SHE WON A TURD!!! And I did get the luggage and so much more. (Ok, I’m dealing with some unpleasant baggage, too*sigh*.)

    #notatmeh

    • I know my fw would have loved for me to keep calling him and “fighting” for his awesomeness. Just for the very reason of keeping the whore in line. For whatever reason he was going to marry her, could be he was madly in luv, could be she was his direct report and the mayor was putting pressure on him to make it right, (there is evidence to support that) could be anything or a combination.

      However, given that he was stuck with her, he would have loved to have me as the back up, haunting the whore. He tried no less than three times after the one fateful time I let him come back home for a week (huge mistake).

      It was never about getting me back but keeping me as the third, I have no doubt about that.

      My daughter in law told me just a month ago that he hated my husband with the hate of a thousand hells. Even up to just a couple months before he (fw) died; he was badmouthing my husband. My husband is a kind and gentle man, and has only spoken to my ex once that I remember, and it was just in passing.

      Jealousy of me? Absolutely not, in his head, my husband messed up his plans. If I had never met anyone, or remarried; I still would have not been his back up, but in his mind he needs to blame someone; so H is to blame. It is kind of funny in hindsight.

      Reality is my husband is everything the fw is not and the fw knew it. Kind, gentle, honorable, and the worst of all well off due to his work ethic and sound financial decisions. My husband also helped me invest aside from what I had already invested in my retirement.

      My fw’s biggest dream was to get rich, and slow and making sacrifices was not the way he was going to do it. Gambling and trying to con folks was his preferred method. He died in debt and left the whore living in a broken down trailer park, with almost one hundred thousand dollars in debt that she has no means to pay.

      I am so proud of my son and how he has lived his life, how he turned out so well I don’t know. I wouldn’t trade any part of him, yet I am so ashamed that I gave him that father.

    • Yes, the disordered always need a “blame target” in their lives. Be it a co-worker, “friend”, family member or spouse. I’ve actually witnessed a couple of disordered cheaters that left their wives, made them out to be evil or losers, end up with the OW and then turn on the OW blaming them for ruining their previous oh so wonderful marriage and family life! Cheaters that end up together, very rarely stay together. One of them is going to repeat the same behavior exact behavior they engaged in with their previous marriage. Sometimes the behavior is far worse.

  • My ex despises me and he’s had no consequences

    No children

    I paid him off

    He kept the car the savings and his full pension

    He’s remarried with children now

    He never wanted a triangle as he just vanished . The last time seen him ( D Day) he was so full of venom and hate I’m surprised I’m alive !!

    I’ve still no idea what I did to build up so much hatred in him but there it is .

    I’ve never seen such glee in a person as he was that day rubbing my nose in his affair he was giddy with excitement and laughing at the hurt he was causing me while I broke my heart crying . He sat there laughing and showing me their texts

    The shear hatred he has for me is still a shock 2 years out

  • I am currently reading The Covert Passive Aggressive Narcissist. I had to go to Staples after the first chapter and get a new box of highlighter pens.

    (Adjust your pronouns accordingly)

    “Another tactic is where a Covert Narcissist will tell his new girlfriend of how terrible his ex was to him, how hurtful and difficult she was, how dramatic she was, how crazy she was. Two things happen here. The new girlfriend feels sorry for him, wanting to console him and give him all her attention. The second thing that happens is that the covert narcissist has now given her subtle messages of how she must behave for him to want her and stay with her. She will live out their relationship making sure she never does or says what his ex used to do or say. This is a way of controlling her behavior. The tactic emerges again in the discard phase, when the covert narcissist has decided he or she doesn’t want to be with you anymore. Instead of talking to you about it , they will go to a third party, someone whom they know will agree with them. The covert narcissist will often confide in people who barely know you. Then he or she will make sure you know they have been confiding in someone else and that this person agrees everything is your fault and that they should leave you. Covert narcissists do not respect you. They have a lot of rage and no empathy. They only care about themselves. This is the bottom line.”

    For every chump I’ve ever met , DDay is not only about discovering side pieces but a massive slush fund of unspoken resentments the cheater suddenly voices. What’s really frightening to me is how well he hid his rage. I saved a number of voice mails on my phone from him, over a period of years, because they were so sweet. That person totally vanished after the affair was revealed. They sound like a stranger to me now. (I still have them because my daughter is also on the messages).

    If he hated me so much, why cheat and stay married? It’s a literal “you can’t keep another man down unless you stay down yourself”. The cheater is after the secondary gains of cheating, and when chumps leave the game it’s over. It’s a pain in the ass to find new players, I guess. When you take away a leg from a three-legged stool, the stool is rendered useless.

    Cheating is a three-legged stool, a game of three. The chump is the most important playing piece to make the game work. How do we know it’s a game? Because it involves deception.

    I’m doing my mirage (marriage) autopsy, but the ultimate purpose is to help me understand me so I hopefully learn something from this and don’t head blindly into danger again. I’m an Uber Virgo and I like to solve puzzles and organize things, but infidelity has created a big box for things I will never get the answers for that I have to accept.

    • TYPO…

      “Another tactic is where a covert narcissist will tell STORIES of how terrible his ex was to him, how hurtful and difficult she was, how crazy she was.”

      One thing is for sure. Don’t ask the cheater to clarify anything for you, and trust they have taken their patterns of behavior to a new target.

      • “…trust they have taken their patterns of behavior to a new target.”

        Yes!!! I keep having to remind myself of this.

        Also, I love the three-legged stool analogy. Even so, I have a feeling I’m functioning as a stool leg in abstentia, still supporting his blame-shifting butt.

      • So incredibly true about not asking for clarification. I was so desperate to get the “why?” because after years of gaslighting and blaming me I was convinced that there MUST be some reason he chose my ex best friend (at the time unemployed, daily pot smoker who shrieked at her two young children daily) over me, though not perfect I was educated, accomplished and love our children more than I can describe in words. He convinced me that I was the problem. I wasn’t “fun” and “free spirited” and (exact words) was “too independent and successful” so much so that he said he felt he was competing with me. It wasn’t until my therapist told me that all of the qualities he listed as problems are the sort of characteristics most people brag about regarding their spouses. She brought me to the realization that I eclipsed him and his fragile ego and SHE needed him and made him look like a winner because compared to her, he was. Cheating is never about the chump. It is always about the narcissist that lives inside the cheater. His life is pathetic and lonely. While I’ve moved on and used this experience to build strength he’s busy whining that no one wants to “hang out“ with him anymore and don’t want to have any conversation of how awesome schmoopie is. I supposed when the woman you cheat with is your wife’s best friend and her husband (another fellow chump) is your best friend, you can’t expect the circle of friends to have a whole lot of trust in either one of you given the gaslighting you did not just to your spouses but your families and friend circles. They are persona non grata everywhere they go while my adult daughters and I are loved and embraced by many members of his family, though we try to still keep some space.

        • Interesting. Narcissists will gravitate towards winners initially as they need the winner to elevate their status. I believe they then resent the winner because its really hard to keep up the appearance of a functioning, responsible member of society when you are really nothing more than a guttersnipe at heart. The fact is most OW are low lives, deeply lacking in confidence and morals. The narc feels better around these sorts. Of course the narc will eventually throw in their faces what losers they (OW) are, how lucky they are that he gave them the time of day and be hell bent on making them feel even worse about themselves than they do already. The narc will look for another “winner” and the vicious cycle will continue.

          • For sure. My ex definitely also had a hero complex and needed to be needed. He’s also a snake. He was a shoulder for his buddy to cry on as chump buddy was unaware initially that, like my ex, his ex wife also decided that their marriage was over but didn’t make him aware. After he cried to my ex, my ex used the info and problems they were having to slip into “hero savior” mode to her. The two of them then justified that breaking up two families was for the best and the “marriages were over” years ago. He tried the same thing with another friend a couple years prior and when that couple was having a rough patch, but they managed to work their way through and never trusted my ex again. They regret not telling me at the time as I had just had a family loss and they didn’t want to hurt me during an already trying time. They called me after the affair that ended my marriage was revealed and told me everything. Even told me the “she’s awful” storyline he repeated to them to convince them that I was the source/cause of his shitty behavior because it could NEVER be his own issues.

            • A treacherous snake with a hero complex. Great summary! Definitely more common than expected. My Ex really wanted to be treated like a hero, even though he was the worst to have around a real problem.

    • “Then he or she will make sure you know they have been confiding in someone else and that this person agrees everything is your fault and that they should leave you.”

      My FW’s version of that was “I talked to Sam about it, and he just told me that he just goes out and sleeps with another woman every once in a while, but I can’t do that I am just not a good liar” (pardon me while I laugh my ass off) the lying asshole had been lying to me our entire marriage, in fact he had just told me he had been “dating” for ten years, but then two minutes later, he is just not good at lying. Truth most likely was he never talked to Sam at all, but just made up some more shit to try to make himself look better, “oh I can’t lie and cheat constantly like the other guys”, while he is lying and cheating even worse than the other guys.

      These guys are just evil, and they don’t care how much they hurt the betrayed spouse, and when they tire of the new hole, they won’t care how much they hurt her. They are who they are, and for most of them they always were.

    • So many of my friends are Virgos. They are so awesome–trustworthy, careful, caring. My astrologer friend calls them “pure.”

      • I don’t know if I qualify as pure, but my natal chart blew an astrologer’s mind because when I was born seven planets were in Virgo, hence I describe myself as an Uber Virgo. That my house is a total mess right now is a sign that something really awful happened to me….

      • My best friend is a Virgo. She is trustworthy, careful and caring. X Ass is also a Virgo and is none of those things.

    • This is such a good post VH. I’ve often reflected on me being the third leg of the stool. What’s weird in my case is that the two of them tried to have me committed into a mental hospital. It was a short-lived thing because, um, first I’m not crazy and second, good luck getting someone committed…it’s not the early 1900s where the paddy wagon used to show up and put women away for being “hysterical”. It was a really weird experience and something, no doubt, created by schmoopie. Oh, the drama! But you see, I wasn’t playing their game and I really do think this meant the two of them had to scramble to figure out how to be together without the big, bad bitch of a wife hanging around. It got revealed pretty quickly that actually, I’m not there-at all. Doesn’t explain though that he won’t actually divorce me or separate our property. Perhaps I’m still being used as the third leg in his mind. I can hear it now. He’s telling her what a bitch I am for being difficult about child support and I won’t sell the house, etc. I can feel it from afar.

    • Wow, this is spot on. I drew these same conclusions and then had them confirmed when I saw the emails with OWs.

  • What really struck me was the utter confusion that my now ex had when she was explaining to me how we would still be friends and how we would be able to attend family events together.

    She was also horrified that I was prepared to divorce “her”.

    Cognitive dissonance. It’s a thing.

    But I also remember for years before, listening to her rant and rage about people around her who didn’t give her the respect she “deserved” and who held her accountable for things she did. Don’t miss that.

    One of my revenge fantasies was to dump her stuff on her affair partner’s driveway with divorce papers on top along with a note “She’s your problem now” …. Well she is.

    BT

    • One of my revenge fantasies was to dump her stuff on her affair partner’s driveway with divorce papers on top along with a note “She’s your problem now”

      That the stuff dreams are made of these days. I’d actually prefer to do this at his parent’s home. They laughed for years that their son was my problem now, I married him and knew what I was getting into. Which is totally false. I want to say tag, you’re it! You made this monster now he’s your problem.

    • Don’t you love that “friends” plan. My fw did the let’s be friends when this is all over, and I am done royally screwing you into poverty.

      Yeah, no thanks.

      He was visibly surprised and shaken when he realized he was no longer in control of me, and by extension the law of the land. He had it all planned out, how he and sparkle twat would walk away with most everything, and I would be left to take care of his mother. In return for that, I would get a small property that was paid for with the lien on the marriage house, and I would of course get the marriage house and have to pay it all off, and let his mother live in the rent free property. In essence I would become her caretaker until she or I died.

      Asshole. Unfortunately for his mother, I didn’t take that option.

    • “…listening to her rant and rage about people around her who didn’t give her the respect she “deserved” and who held her accountable for things she did.”

      This of course is evidence of her disorder. Jackass was all about who didn’t give him enough respect–and most of his complaints on that score were about those who saw through his facade.

      • Oh, they are hypocrites. They cannot acknowledge that what they expect of others is so far out of line with how they treat others.

    • lol, sounds like my ex husband. Never felt he got enough respect, absolutely thought we could go on being “one big happy family” after he moved on to his young flavors of the month. Sorry buddy, all that stuff is for husbands and you’ve been fired from that job

    • Mine also seemed to think we should be friends. And even recently, he complains about the fact that we’re not like all those other families who are all happy and apart. Which I do wonder where is he seeing these people, like, on telly? Celebs? Because nearly everyone I know who’s separated/divorced seem to hate the other, and when they do achieve some sort of balance it’s after years when things aren’t as raw (we’re only 13 months from d-day and 7 months from when he left).

      The funny thing is that he doesn’t realises that it wasn’t just the cheating. but the continuous lying and gaslighting that created this toxic environment. I’m not saying that him admitting stuff would have made it fine, but if he had at least shown *some* respect to me and our teenage son (who was the one who found his texts to his AP) by admitting the whole truth, maybe we could have approached this differently. Instead he lies outrageously, and doesn’t understand why we’re angry with him. Now he’s trying to make it look like he only started dating his AP recently, whenever my son saw their texts, and back then I found a receipt in his emails about a £90 present he got her for Valentine’s day telling her he loved her, which he justified as a joke. And now she’s his gf. Ok. These lies are so bad it’s insulting.

      • Yeah, it’s all part of the yuck: “Other people break up and it doesn’t ruin their lives” (i.e. you can’t get over me, you don’t have a right to be upset or angry, and you’re pathetic and weak). “People get divorced all the time” (so you should be fine with the fact that I’m an abusive con man who’s stolen from you and destroyed our family).

        Like WHO? My ex would say things like this, too, and it wasn’t until after I left that I thought, who is he talking about? And if he actually did have an ex-couple in mind, there is no way their situation was comparable to ours.

        Round two: “Your hate is killing me. Don’t blame me for your unhappiness. All I want is for you to be happy…”

    • Ha! Maybe we should introduce our exes to each other?

      In my experience, as my XW’s career progressed there were more and more and aspects of life that were beneath her. She won’t take public transport. She won’t clean her own house. She won’t teach. She rarely cooks. She won’t fly coach. She switches jobs every 5 years because she never gets the respect (and money) she deserves.

      The thing is, there are people in my family who’ve actually had the success she aspires to (MacArthur and Pulitzer prizewinners, bestselling authors who’ve sold multi-million-dollar movie deals) and they are all more modest and down-to-earth than she is. They wash the dishes and walk the dog and take the train to the airport like everyone else. My XW is smart and driven, but her opinion of herself (and of what she deserves from life) is way out of whack. I’m sure that her AP showered her with disproportionate praise, and this was a major part of his appeal.

  • This is why you can’t stay. Why you can’t make the marriage work. Why you can’t figure out what went wrong. It’s all insane twisting and inventing reality. I believe you have untangled the skein. Their brain and character are irreverently broken. The only response is no contact and a wave goodbye, on your way to a real life.

  • I don’t recall ever reading this one before. But I’m glad I read that quite from Bill Eddy. It really rung a bell.

    I hope you’re feeling better soon. The day after my second shot of Moderna I felt like I got hit by a truck. But thankfully it only took several hours of feverish binge-watching and a couple rounds of Tylenol to get back to normal. Glad to be vaccinated and I hope others will heed the call to get it soon too.

  • My Ex, The Edgar Suit, is an accountant. In the immediate aftermath of DDay #2 he sent me an email in which he stated he was 100% to blame for what happened and that he would never forgive himself for hurting the one person who loved him with her whole heart. But over the two years of wreakonciliation he slowly but surely changed his internal balance sheet, moving more and more of the blame into my column. By the time I was granted my divorce, he was convinced that it was ALL MY FAULT for failing to make him happy. Actually, looking back, that’s where we started too. The first words out of his mouth when I confronted him on both DDays was “I’ve been increasingly unhappy in the marriage.” The difference was, on DDay #1 I believed him and I danced the pick-me dance for four solid years. On DDay #2 I refused to listen to that bullshit and threw his ass out. I then spent two years trying to fix our marriage with some real accountability and he spent the same two years blame shifting. Was it a defense mechanism or a power play? No idea. Does he hate me? No idea. That’s the joy of Meh which is the goal here. I don’t love him anymore nor do I hate him. I am indifferent. His opinion of me has absolutely no bearing on my life at all.

    • “I don’t love him anymore nor do I hate him. I am indifferent. His opinion of me has absolutely no bearing on my life at all.”

      Yep. That’s Meh.

  • Congrats Tracy on your secondly shot!!

    You nailed again Tracy. We are ON THE WAY of their “happiness”. They resent that we exist, the children too and those are facts. Schoompie will prefer unattached man with his salary intact, they hate us because of visitation schedules, child support, alimony, school and pediatrician appointments, legal fees… we “caused” them to lose their freedom. It’s “our fault” that their 25 year old girlfriend is pissed that he has to *gasp!* attend a stupid ballet recital for his only daughter whom is 7 years old, unnaceptable! 🙄

    And yes, everything that we say, do, even looking the wrong way is a offense that will be reported to OW so she can naively try harder on showing him how much better she is, that is of course, until we “obstacles” are permanently removed, then….

    They will have each other and the vacancy for a scape goat opens. OW is now to blame, they will have their own bills to pay and appointments to keep. No triangulation no fun? What do you mean when you say put the toilet seat down? What do you mean you need money, attention, monogamy, commitment, time, reciprocity? What do you mean the garbage disposal is not working?

    • Great post Queen of Chumps
      Yea, let them take the garbage out, their own garbage, his and her’s.
      It will be damn heavy, enough to fill a whole garbage truck,
      Ha, his and her GARBAGE!
      It will look so good on them!

  • 30 Covert Emotional Manipulation Tactics
    by Adelyn Birch.

    Another very good highlighter-pen-draining validating read.

    FYI.

  • Mine is so disordered he does all of this. He denies cheating, or basically doing anything wrong. I just up and decided I wanted a divorce, with no reason, according to him. He also says I was emotionally abusive to him. Then he also will play the extra mind f game of “see you blame everyone else, YOU never take responsibility for anything.” I can only own what I did!
    I can’t take responsibility for his cheating, lying and double life living faults. Mine even says “you hate me”. I actually don’t hate him. I’m hurt and feel really stupid for falling for his lies, but I feel like I’m really more mad at myself for tolerating his bs for so long.
    When I bring up his affairs or mistreatment of me, he denies then blameshifts. He likes to say I was so mean and a terrible wife. It is hurtful to hear, especially since he is just telling me now. I don’t actually believe it’s true. He seemed fairly happy when he was balls deep in cake.

    • This is why no contact is so vital.

      Every contact you have with them is an opportunity for them to further abuse you. Mind games, blame and shame tactics etc.

    • This is my ex. He’s telling people that I was the one who asked for divorce and he simply agreed so he has no idea why I’m upset. He told me he hated my guts, he’d always hated me, and he had been fantasizing about murdering me for years. And I sobbed and said, “You hate me and want to kill me? How could we even begin to fix that?!” and I started the divorce process.

      And he was telling mutual friends, “I don’t understand, she wanted the divorce and all I did was agree to give it to her, what’s her problem?!”

      He said things to me that were more vile than anything I’ve ever heard anyone say to anybody in my life. And then he immediately went to “This is a completely amicable divorce, I have no idea why she would be upset at all!” and started playing the victim while I’m sleeping with a gun, changing my locks, getting a new security system, telling friends and family if I end up dead, he did it. It’s so completely insane it’s nearly unbelievable. I went NC as soon as I could.

      • Katie, I’m glad you are taking measures to keep yourself safe. I would not underestimate anything he has said. I hope you filed a restraining order as well. Stay safe ❤️

      • I am so glad you are away from that monster. Hopefully he does not know your current address. Stay safe.

      • Wow, so glad you are away from him and safe. I think in some instance we just cannot underestimate how disordered they are.

  • It has taken me years of therapy to understand what CL just said. His hate is HIS problem. After people meet me, they quickly figure out I am not who he says I am.

    I have finally found Tuesday. I really don’t care about the ex and Howorker AKA Wifetress. He is her problem now and she is his problem. I. Really. Do. Not. Care.

  • I got blamed for all his failures, including the ones I tried desperately to prevent. Apparently it was my fault for trying to get him to get help.

  • The reason I became MAGNETO was a toxic sludge was poured over my head. Not really. My XH constantly blamed me for EVERYTHING, he played the victim, finger pointed, stonewalled and simply insisted that I was the villain in my marriage story. For years I fought this battle. In my home and in counseling and at family gatherings. POS with the support of his POS family made me fodder for his victim stories. ALL whispered behind my back, while I pulled 85% of the family work chores. I was still deficient.

    Instead, one day, I decided to roll with it. If I was going to be the antagonist in my own marriage, I was at least going to pick a cool one!
    The birth of Magneto…. bewahahahahahahahahha.

    Note: ** No contact for 5+ years. Oldest daughter told me that the last time she talked to her father, all he did was point his finger at ME for everything wrong in his life. Including his ruined relationship with both daughters.
    He is not only the victim, but the HERO in his divorce story. Everything bad was Magneto’s doing….

    It sort of made my head spin (for a hot second) that he has absolutely no self actualization YEARS after the divorce, but I am not surprised, either I guess….

    • I feel like I could have written your first paragraph about being blamed for everything. The put downs and teasing me about failures or mistake really took a toll on my sense of self and confidence. It’s not easy to recover from.

  • Yes, blameshifting as a hallmark of cheaters.

    My ex would write me long emails about all my faults and failings. Never once did he acknowledge his cheating or lying. His slate was wiped clean.

    His OW dumped him, so he is double fold pissed. And of course he will only accept a pretty young thing, and none of them want him. Quel probleme.

    My crime was to call him out on his deceptions.

    He is estranged from his own family now. He schemed and cheated them out of their inheritance, now he tells people that his siblings ‘used him and threw him away’.

    If their lips are moving or their hands are typing they are lying and scheming.

  • My STBXstarted off refusing to tell me why he had an affair for 12 years. Then after a couple of weeks said I was “too intellectual” (I am better educated than him), “always ill” and he saw me as a “patient not a person” (I busted my pelvic floor the day after being told my fallopian tubes had become blocked -it wasn’t until 9 years later I realised the probable cause was his wandering wiener), I was obsessed with having children (we had agreed to have children and I asked him to have sex while I was ovulating) oh and I was “obsessed with Brexit” (he started cheating nine years before Brexit). The most recent time I spoke to him, he said I didn’t do anything to deserve it and the whole affair had been a terrible “mistake”. I had given him everything and he had thrown it all away.

    What I realised is that he changes his opinions the same way most people change their underwear, because he has no stable conception of reality. So words that come out of his mouth are purely to serve the function of manipulation.

    Right now he wants to tell everyone that it All Ended Amicably in the End, and that I have finally calmed down and have recognised he’s a great guy that just got a little confused for a while. When he wanted me to back down on my financial claims in the divorce, he used rage and character assassination because he thought they would be more effective. My going NC for more than a year made him furious, because he had no further opportunity to manipulate and control me.

    • Sorry but I had to laugh at your being “obsessed with Brexit”. My ex said that to me not so long ago, from his high perch of being an American having moved back to the US. Well excuse me but as an expat Brit living in the EU and one of the one million people denied the right to vote in the referendum you can be damn sure I was obsessed with Brexit. My kids are anglo-american, the oldest being two years old when we moved back to Europe and the youngest never having lived anywhere but France, so yeah call me obsessive! Neither of the kids would have moved to either the UK or the US if we were kicked out, but the ex thought it was funny. Asshole (but I’ve heard from my ex-MIL and seen on FB where he’s posted that he wished he was still living in France as he misses it)! (Side note, I’m pleased to say all three of us are in possession of resident permits and I am well on my way to becoming French)!

    • “No stable concept of reality” describes my ex completely! He too changes reasons like he changes underwear–probably more often, actually, because he frequently failed to change his underwear.

      My ex’s fury is largely over my refusal to simply go along with whatever reason he assigned our divorce at the moment. It’s funny that your ex blamed “Brexit.” Mine blamed my Democrat leanings, whilst he is a Republican. But I don’t even vote, and I could not be less interested in politics.

      I also think that a lot of the fury is my “failure to fail.” He was sure that I would fall apart without him, end up homeless, lose custody of the kids, beg him to come back, etc, etc. He imagined himself pompously telling me that I’d have to make some changes to get him to return, and he’d think about it. What really happened is that I thrived. I have lots of friends, a tidy savings, a nice little home near the ocean, and sole custody of our only minor child. He, on the other hand, is broke and in debt, and he will soon be living in an RV (all his own fault as he burns through money at an amazing rate). He pompously offered to take me back recently, and I quickly declined. This wasn’t how the script was supposed to play out, so he’s furious.

      • What is it with politics?? Mine sneered at me in MC saying I was too interested in it or something like that while he wasn’t with such a tone and look of a king looking down on a spider that it shocked me. Claiming I forced him to change his political affiliation(lol, no)–more of the ‘look how awful wife was, whore doesn’t ‘do’ politics, WE don’t get pulled into that type of lowbrow stuff’ with a literal dismissive flick of his hand in my direction. I hadn’t been the one to bring up politics in therapy, being more focused on my heart being shredded and all but it was on his super secret list of grievances and horrid things about me.
        Yet now 3 years out in an email he sent he says “I’m so glad you convinced me to change my political affiliation! The x party is crazy! Oh and I watch this podcast with so and so and think of you every time thinking you’d like him” etc etc. I felt like Scooby Doo reading it with the head tilt and the ‘ruh?’ sound coming out my mouth.

        • Mine started fights over politics towards the end. He started just making things up about Trump and when I would be like wait, I watched that whole press conference, what are you talking about? Then I’m a crazy Trumper. I’ve disliked Trump since I was a child and heard him talking about his infant daughter’s tits on television. I have zero love for the man. There is plenty to criticize about him, there’s no need to just invent made up things he didn’t say. It’s all on video for God’s sake, there’s tons of awful things one could pick out, no need to invent things. And when people do that, they destroy credibility and make the whole situation worse.

          But oh no, because I’m dead set on operating in reality in politics not made up things, I must be a crazy Trumper. My ex wouldn’t watch anything on politics, he’d literally just invent things in his own head and rant about them on facebook. I’m not a fan of that. There is plenty to actually rant about, no need to lie and invent things that one can easily prove did not happen.

          I was also accused of not believing in Covid. Um, I was wearing a mask everywhere months before him. I did think it was crazy to shut down government services but let people have parking lot parties in front of restaurants where they’d be served booze in their cars. Especially living in a city where work cards are required and you could no longer get them. That fucked me for months, it only opened back up this month. And oh, welcome tourists back to be drunk in the streets but you can’t go to the DMV unless you make an appointment three months out. It was insane to me. And I’ve taken the virus very seriously. But he and his girlfriend actually mocked me and called me an anti-masker while it turns out they were going to underground swing clubs and orgy parties throughout the entire pandemic.

          It’s maddening. Everything was turned around on me. I was scared of the virus (I have health problems) and thought some of the restrictions didn’t make sense when ridiculous things were being allowed. I felt like actual important things should be actually important and frivilous things shouldn’t. That makes me a pro Trumper anti-masker to a person attending orgies. I just… I felt like I was losing my mind.

          It was just anything to make me look and feel crazy. He twisted everything around on me, the last few months of the marriage were completely exhausting and bewildering.

          • 100% understand where you were with this.
            Mine does this to me (different context same manipulation). He projects and blamshifts so I’m defensive and yet I haven’t done anything to be defensive about. I think it’s a way to keep the focus on me and imaginary things so that he can’t be held accountable.

            Like a toddler holding all the markers with drawings on them and the walls, and saying you have a sticker on your hand. That was my sticker, you stole my sticker. All of a sudden you’re not looking at the obvious marker disaster, you trying to prove you didn’t steal their sticker.

      • Oh my god. The underwear! (The reason changing goes without saying.) Wonder if that’s one of those little known narcissist/sociopath red flags, like being an oblivious (relishing?) bed hog.

        • Not changing his underwear wasn’t a thing with The Python in the early years. It started later, along with some of the other symptoms of frontotemporal dementia (FTD).

          Most early onset dementia (younger than 65) is FTD. It’s weird because unlike most other types of dementia, memory loss doesn’t usually occur until later in the disease.

          I’m sure he was a narcissist too but changes in hygiene (wearing dirty underwear, not brushing his teeth every night) were indicative of something else going on too.

          FTD, like narcissistic personality disorder, involves empathy impairment so what little empathy he may have had (or pretended to have) was erased toward the end. He was a mean and nasty asshole. These people are not right in the head, sometimes for more than one diagnosable reason. It’s not an excuse but it helps to explain. And it helps to trust that they suck!

  • The narc classic… “it’s not the bad thing that I did/am doing, it’s how you’re reacting to it!” DEFLECT DEFLECT DEFLECT!

  • IMO, it has to do with losing control over the circus. These people love the subterfuge and drama of it all. It’s like being in a play where they are writer, director, and actor. And all of a sudden you’re changing the script. This control, of course, extends to their impression management. That is why they are writing the script. They are always the hero. The ending to their play NEVER involves being exposed for the lying cheating asshole they are. Once you expose them by asking for a divorce or accountability, you become an object of hatred because you have the power to change that script. The maligning to all and sundry is real to them because you’ve destroyed the house of lying cards. In their minds, they believe that crap. THAT is why NC is imperative. Because they will never write a different script. They are incapable of it. You walked out and ruined their little play. You refused to be yet another in the supporting cast. You refused to remain the understudy, the wardrobe mistress, the guy who sweeps the aisle between performances, the person who open and closes the curtains. His/Her rage is because all of a sudden, you’re a lousy employee. The play can’t go on as he/she envisions/envisioned. You will no longer be SpongeBob Squarepants to their Julius Caesar. Hence, the fury.

    • OMG! SpongeBob Squarepants to their Julius Caesar – I almost spit coffee on my computer screen. Thanks for the funny and fitting analogy.

    • It really proves that living well is the best revenge

      Whether you live well in a one bedroom apartment, or a big house, living well is the cat’s meow!

      How dare Sponge Bob flourish …

      • I am currently renting a single room in a boardinghouse type situation. Still a more peaceful existence than the 2 bedroom condo I shared with the Dollar Whore.

    • Yes this. Also, the sneaking and deception are part of the excitement and attraction of the OW. When they don’t have anyone to cheat on, that OW loses the sparkle. My FW realized he could be stuck with her without me as an excuse as to why he couldn’t be with her. He dropped her when I dropped him. Idk if he hates me – I went NC.

    • Lulu, youjust transcribed by life with Theatre Man (lighting designer) … always writing a script i didnt know the lines to. Or the performance proper. Enraged when i wasnt acting right, according to his bizarre prompts. Its been so strange and unnerving to realize that our 20 years together was all a Performance. But it makes sense of everything.

  • This is a great repeat worth reading and believing!

    I found CN after divorce, unfortunately. But I was lead here and to all things passive aggressive narcissist, as I couldn’t understand why Asshat was so angry at me. It lead to horrible things being done to me. I mean, he was getting everything he wanted, right? Rid of his “menacing” wife of 25 years and friend of 35 years. All for an unmarried 49 year old “soulmate”. He received the benefit of an unfair financial settlement due to my attorney’s incompetence and he still had to pound me. It was like a game to them. Whack-a-ex wife. Well guess what? NC since March 2019 and it’s glorious!!!!! I no longer have to please an unpleasable babyman.

  • A simpler notion; they are only capable of toggle relationships. He is madly in love or he is madly in hate. He does not have the capacity to warmly co-exist and grow with a long-term partner.

    He gets his energy by burning you for fuel. It is not personal.

    My abandoner cheater is this way. He couldn’t simply leave the marriage with dignity but rather had to wind himself up to a point that he felt he needed to escape like a prisoner from a pit in the basement. Always working in extremes, he went from declaring his undying love one day to him abandoning me by e-mail the next. Time between eternal love and abandonment, 6 weeks. No doubt he lives in perpetual panic as he gets older every day.

    Worse, he uses his adult children for his grist– something to maintain a friction against so he can even know he is alive at all. Never his fault.

    These people are disordered, shallow, pitiful losers.

  • Welll..I did pretty much anything I could to make his life miserable when dday happened. So yeah, there is probably good reason for him to not like me-hell I didn’t like me. And I can say 4 yrs post, I still really dislike him. He deserved everything he got- good and bad, no regrets. Happy to be rid of the suck and to be looking in the rear view mirror at that shit-show. Hugs! Best advice I received-guilt has an expiration date, negotiate with FW as quickly as possible and get it signed.

    • You made his life miserable? Good for you. Do you have any tips? Because I have to admit, this “meh” thing is not working for me and I’d love to get some revenge.

      • Not sure how far out you are, but the early days are the best time to undermine the FW. While married, you have a legal right to everything. I pulled half my money out of all accounts and set up new accounts in my name, I froze credit at all credit agencies which can be done online, I cancelled his phone from the family plan so he had to get his own line as he drove out of the driveway, i hired a security guard to stand over him as he took stuff out of the house which was hysterical. I told him he was to protect him😁.

  • Jen, he hates you because it is useful to do so. You were a wife appliance before, and therefore you were useful to him for wife appliance things. You are still of utility, only it has changed. He hates you for the same reason cheaters lie. If he hates you he can, in his mind, minimize and justify the damage he has done. Most importantly, he can use his hate to blame-shift. With my XW the hate and the lies are all tied up together in a nice ugly package. I was an affectionate and loving husband who did all the housework, all the shopping, all the bill paying, carted the kids to their activities, earned a good paycheck, etc. She created an “evil twin” of me to divorce onto which she projected her own shortcomings. My “evil twin” was the person she described to her friends to justify to them what she was doing, and drummed up additional hatred to reinforce her own. She alienated two of my children from me with her lies. Your ex hates you because it serves his purposes to do so. That his purposes are wrong and stupid is irrelevant. The hate is simply a psychological means to those wrong and stupid ends.

  • Self-defeating hatred–that is definitely my ex. Of course, he would say that I am the reason we can’t be friends. But his version of “friends” is “people who give him money and always think well of him. He literally cannot stand it that I don’t think he is fabulous. But his method for improving my attitude is sending me hatemail screaming that I’m evil, sending emails to my friends accusing me of taking his money and keeping him from the kids, etc. How endearing. It’s amazing to me how they can do all of that and somehow think it will make us want to be friends.

  • You’re definitely better off if he hates you. Once you get past the pain of that, it becomes a useful tool to know where they stand and plan around it. And it often keep them away as well.

    It’s when they start getting friendly that’s dangerous. When they start flirting……

    • Unfortunately, those things are not mutually exclusive in my case. Narcissists are crazy. I recently received an email in which he told me I was dead to him and asked me to come back in the same email.

  • I think for the most part it’s all about money. These effers have a lots of self worth based in money. Your kids but it’s his money. You’re scraping and left with no assets and it’s his money. With my ex it’s all about the money. And I didn’t even put the screw on him. He’s just a cheap asswipe like his father s d grandfather etc. many unhappy women in that family. I know why. Living with a cheap bastard is just another hell.

    • I also think money plays a large part in the FW’s frustration / hate behaviors when a marriage tanks.
      Knave-man let me know that thousands of other women, intelligent and beautiful women, see him as the most interesting man ever and a magnetic force. Divorce and asset division would diminish his ability to sparkle.
      I’m considering contacting one or two of these wealthy schmoopies who have $$$ to burn and negotiating an arrangement beneficial to us all.

      Is it legal to sell rights to your FW husband?

  • CL: Good news that you got your second shot. For some of us, the second shot makes us feel under the weather. I had major fatigue! Tylenol, Gatorade, and lots of rest will help you.

    Regarding the HaterCheaters, all I can say is seeing through their mask, their false self, will make them hate you.

  • Mine hated me before any consequences. I’m sure he hates me more now but the hatred was there way, way before. He has no real reason for it. It got to the point where he was making up things to hate me for and then I went NC. He looked me in the face and told me I only worked 7 months of our 20 year marriage. He told me I’m incestuous and want to have sex with my uncles. And he said I enjoyed being raped as a teenager.

    He’s just delusional and evil. Needless to say, those things are not true. But that’s what he says to my face. God only knows what horrible things he’s saying to other people. I’ve lost all mutual friends and family. I think he’s convinced himself I’m a horrible person to justify the things he’s been doing. I think that’s how he lives with it.

  • Just a little update from exactly five years out from total devastation day (on which I learned that my husband of 30 years had carried on an affair in front of my face the full time with one of his high school buddies … yay!) His full removal from our house along with every last thing he owned was accomplished in four days. The uncontested divorce in which he agreed to hand over about 60 percent of the assets was completed in 6 months. I spent three years figuring out who I even was anymore, met some truly amazing friends here who are still IRL friends that I love, found new hobbies (horses!), went back to college just for the heck of it, and dipped my toe into the online dating pool … yeesh. I am now happily married to a wonderful guy I have been dating for two years and the asset split is at last finalized. My life is so happy and busy and fuckwit free!!! I just want those of you fresh into this time of horror and dismay and ANGER and disbelief to know that there is a whole beautiful new life out there for you too. It takes a bit to get there, but you will be amazed how sweet it is to drop that anchor from your life and get on with things. Hugs.

  • I hope you feel better again really soon. My second shot’s side effects lasted 2 days and gave me a tiny peek into how truly awful it would be to contract full-blown COVID-19. I’m so grateful that we have the opportunities to receive this vaccine to give us another path to “go be mighty!”

  • Their delusional fantasy world protects them from facing that they are failures as human beings. They are shitty spouses, shitty parents, and selfish, immature, emotionally stunted people. So they must blame us and retreat into the fantasy of an affair to avoid consciously seeing that. The hate is really self-loathing conveniently directed at us, because consciously knowing they suck is painful. They avoid pain at all costs because they are weak. Weaklings cannot face uncomfortable truths about themselves.

    They are actually pitiful creatures, but are not worth wasting any sympathy on. Let them wallow in their hate and self-imposed misery. Your life is going to get better for the fuckwit not being in it, but fuckwits are always stuck with themselves. They are therefore always unhappy and in need of a scapegoat, which may be you for now, but will be schmoopie later.

    • OHFFS. Exactly! I always ask myself the question about why does he hate me? What have I done wrong? My therapist, psychiatrist and others who have worked in mental health all tell me he hates himself and projects that on to me. He will do the same to whatever woman he is involved with.
      Intellectually I get that but it is hard to get it fixed in my brain. I work on that one daily.

      • It’s hard to come to terms with it. It’s just so unfair. The mind has trouble reconciling that an injustice is happening, yet there’s absolutely nothing we can do about it.
        But unlike fws, chumps can face reality and therefore we can work on accepting those things we can’t change.

  • Thank you CL for posting this even when you don’t feel well. You know that most of us live day by day to read your blog. I finish your book, then start from the beginning. You really are the thing keeping us all sane – you are a saint!

    Now, onto the haters. This topic is near and dear to my heart so I need to let it out! It’s been a real torture for me. My 25 year relationship involved a lot of love bombing and intermittent reinforcement. Deep down in my bones, I “KNEW” my husband loved me – he talked about it all the time. How gorgeous, smart, wonderful I am…blah blah blah. So, when I got to hear all the gross shit on DDAy, including him being Mr S&M King of Darkness, buying women to beat up, going to underground clubs (for years and years), and then, falling in “love” with a young client from work because she agreed to be his sex slave. Charming. Anyhoo – you get the idea. Point is…he got what he wanted. He was addicted to fantasy sex. He hid it for years, spent tens of $1,000s getting it and investing in S&M gear with out marital funds. When he decided to dump me for slave girl, he was elated! He finally got the life he wanted, the life he deserved with a woman who gave up her whole life to be on a chain doing whatever the fuck he wants to her. Nice one, have fun. GTFO of my house now and leave me to grieve, thanks. Some of his parting comments were things like, “don’t worry, you’ll be taken care of. We were married for 25 years I’m not going to leave you high and dry.” Civil like comments.

    But no. Not long after he moved out the hate ramped up and up. When he first left he was texting me things like, “What shampoo does our daughter use”, and he’d send me Netflix recommendations as if we were still friends. Of course I did not answer these texts. Then it got nasty. “You are not allowed to do your own taxes” and “You cannot put holds on the bank accounts. I will need you to go to the bank and reverse this immediately.” And “We said no lawyers” and “Are you having financial trouble, is that why you are asking me for child support? I do not agree with your approach.” On and on and on with the power and control.

    He will not cooperate with our separation. He’s mean to me, difficult, won’t give a dime over the measly sum I get for child support. He won’t respond to anything, ever. If I do hear from him, it’s very officious. For instance, I asked him to come and collect the last of his things. I told him I’d leave them outside for him when he came to pick up our daughter. He wrote back to say, “I do not agree with that process. You have more of my things than this email suggests and I would like an opportunity to come through the house with you and decide which things are mine. In the past, you have denied me entry into the home, which by law you are not allowed to do.” The lies, the crap, the difficulties, the power, the control, the hate is constant.

    About 4 months after he left, he told me directly when I ran into him – “This marital break up is on you. This is all your fault. I tried really hard to save our marriage”.

    The skein, the mindfuck, the confusion, the blame shifting, the weirdness…it’s all a shitty soup of hell when you’re married to a disordered fuckwit. I had no idea he was this big of an asshole. For 25 years I had my head squarely up my backside thinking I was married to someone who loved me. I actually felt like it was an act of kindness when I “let him go”. He was just so damn miserable being married to me. I was his barrier to all that juicy fantasy sex. Okay then, go…go get what you really want/need. He was relieved, and then he wasn’t. I think he just expected me to roll over and play dead, or more likely, continue to wash his socks and make him his favourite meals. He lost his job, his wife, his family, most of the time with his daughter, our community, his self respect. I gained a life. He can’t control me any more. No wonder he hates me now.

    • FKA I could have written this about my ex except for the S&M part; he just discarded me after 18 years of marriage, so I never got the details on the affair and am kinda grateful after reading about the hell you went through–yikes. But exact same thing thereafter: it went very, very rapidly from “I care about you, call me anytime if you want to talk, I know this is hard for you” to alternate bullying, nastiness, and officiousness (love that word!) as it became clear he wasn’t going to walk away with the 2/3 of our estate he thought he deserved (never mind the laws of the common-property state where we live). This was also a huge revelation for me: similarly to you, I had majorly spackled during our marriage, living from breadcrumb to breadcrumb to convince myself I was still married to the guy who had wooed me, the guy I thought cherished me as much as I did him.

      Just to add on to what you wrote: I now find that once the mask is off, it has made me see a lot of my relationships more clearly. It’s embarassing to write this, but I appear to be a narcissist magnet: a sister, two of my best friends, another close friend…. It’s slowly dawning on me that my nearly constant sense of despair about achieving intimacy and connection with the people in my life over the last 20 years or so might not be so much about me as about the people I’ve let use me under the guise of friendship and kinship. In other words, that sick feeling in my gut might not be about my inadequacy as a friend, sister, and partner: it might be my body trying to tell me to pick better friends, family, and partners…. So, there’s at least one upside to finally waiting up to smell the narc-coffee.

        • Okupin, that sounds just like my experience as well. She wrote the same stuff, “come to me when you want to talk, happy, sad whatever. Don’t give an emotional reaction to your wife” FW said she was helping him with his marriage. My MIL was in awe of the OW and told my mom, she’s such a good girl. He left a happy 13 year marriage for an online gamer he never met. It’s been almost a year since NC. It’s been good for healing. As I met new people during the year, I got the same gut feeling of something’s wrong after a couple of meetups. Later to recognise, I get quite taken in by narcs. So far, I see that as growth. I’m maintaining contact with people who have similar boundaries as me.

  • Jen, he doesn’t hate you – far from it – deep down inside he admires you and is very jealous of you and may very well even be afraid of you. He sees your strength and ability to have grace under pressure and raise three incredible girls without him and it makes him shudder. Here’s why he acts like he hates you…. it’s because you are a MIRROR to him – when he thinks about you or sees you he sees himself and he sees what a coward and failure he is. You represent everything good and kind. You are a mirror to him and he sees himself reflected back with a huge crack through it – when he looks at you or thinks about you he can only see himself and he sees what a failure, a cheat, a scroundrel, and lousy man he is. And 99% of the time his family will protect him because they carry the same DNA and couldn’t possibly admit to sharing a bad seed and they’ve got to keep the tether to the grandkids. No matter what… take the high road… do it with a smile…. save your tears for late at night when no body can see – Chump Lady is so very right about Compassion Fatigue – friends and colleagues can’t carry or share the pain for long. Be strong without becomming tough and bitchy….. living well is the best revenge for those of us who are not revengeful. Take no prisoners….you have to feed/cloth/ and guard them…. go forth freely. He admires you and is jealous of you —- trust me on this. And…. the legal system…. Oh….as an atty myself trust me… it’s so crooked….. the whores get free rehab over an over and over again… I keep paying for restrainig orders… and I’ve never had a parking ticket. Karma……I’m waiting for Karma…..there are good days ahead Jen….move forward with grace – this is no dress rehearsal.

  • And this is the turnaround….I got a buddy of mine to go with me to do some surveillance on future exw . I wanted to know if her FB was living with her , and I wanted to know if he was there when my kids were there. This was during a separation. Well , 3:15 am and her car (which I bought her) shows up and her and FB proceed into the house. Doesn’t take much to imagine what went on beyond that. All this was to gather evidence should she contest custody.
    The next day I call her and proceed to tell her of the events the night before and that I had a witness. She then blurts out with a boohoo voice “Why do you hate me?” I told her I didn’t hate her , I hated what she was doing. But push comes to shove and I’ll roast you in divorce court.
    I got full custody and freedom from the most insidiously stupid person I ever met.

  • I just got my second shot today. Have been feeling a bit dizzy, fatigued, and generally out of it. I’m not looking forward to tomorrow but I am looking forward to being able to get out more once I have full immunity.

  • “He also says I was emotionally abusive to him. Then he also will play the extra mind game of ‘see you blame everyone else, YOU never take responsibility for anything.’ I can only own what I did!
    I can’t take responsibility for his cheating, lying and double life living faults. Mine even says ‘you hate me.’”
    ^^^
    My ex said all of this. As I read today’s post, this was exactly what I was thinking about: ‘Am I high-conflict because I am so angry with FW, even now that he’s out of the picture? Am I blaming him for destroying our relationship so that I can avoid responsibility?” And so on. It’s a nagging fear.

    Before I found this blog, but after I left, I found an article about high-conflict people. It accurately and completely described my relationship, pre-dday and even (presumed) pre-cheating. This is a re-run, so perhaps the interview CL mentioned has been published?

  • This is a loaded question for me. We were together 33 and married 26ys. We left in 14 and divorce was final in 16. I know he hated me the last 20 years and in actuality it is probably the entire relationship.That’s a long toxic environment for me and the kids. He blamed everyone in my family including me and the kids for his shitty behaviors.
    I had to file contempt charges every month in 17. We finally had the hearing on some of the charges in October of that year with the next on scheduled for January to take care of the other charges. He settled the account prior to the January date.
    The ex filed against me in 19 but wouldn’t produce his documentation meaning I had to file show cause charges. Everything was delayed due to Covid. I’m sure he thought it would end with a hearing but the result was a four day trial whittled to five hours. This literally took two years of my life. The trauma leading up to that put me in really dark spaces at times. I had no problem testifying but had a real problem having to see him. There are many many valid reasons I have for not wanting to breath in the same space as him. however, my final realization was I did not want to be near him because of his hatred towards me. I’m a high empath and felt his giddiness about the court confrontation and told my friend that I was struggling because he has hated me so long it’s on a cellular level.
    He was the same. Gave the same excuse of being forced into the agreement. Exact same speech on how he wants to help his family, how he’s trying and does not want to go to jail. Pity pity pity until my attorney showed a piece of evidence then he reveled his true self for a split second. Later I realized that I wasn’t phased because it was his norm with me but the judge heard it. The ex kept saying he was sorry, didn’t mean it etc but the judge said, “oh you’re not sorry and you did mean it” giving him a ten minute break to get his shit together.
    I had to say things that I never wanted on public record for fear of my safety. His anger was palpable. His mask did not cover his black dead eye stare. My attorney offered to go ahead and file a protective order but I know that won’t stop him if he decides to do anything. The agreement was kept as is, my contempt charge against him was granted, and he has to pay part of my attorney fees. I know him having to pay part to my attorney is what really got him because last time he did not and I’m hoping it will detour him in the future.
    The positive things are I’m relieved it’s over for now, I was heard by the judge and realized my acceptance of his interactions towards me are not acceptable,and I no longer care if he hates me. It’s obvious that the hatred is affecting his life negatively. I’ll continue to move on with mine positively as always and recover from his last failed antics.
    I’ll add that in 17 he cried that no one will speak to him. The final question his attorney asked me was so off the reason we were there it threw me. She asked when was the last time I spoke to the ex? I told them I saw him in 17 for contempt. No. When did you have a conversation. I had to ask about what? She said- the kids, what’s going on in your lives etc. I had to say we never had conversations but he would talk “at”me and the last time that was set up was in child mediation. She said that would have been around 15 then? which I said was correct. I realized this entire thing was about him wanting attention. My attorney told the judge we’d probably see him again in two years as is his pattern. It’s all about the attention for most of these assholes.

  • Soooooo… my ex said, on D-Day, when he announced that he was leaving, “I think we’d be better friends than husband and wife.” And at that moment I was up for it. It takes me a while to sort out my feelings and actually get hoppin’ mad and I was probably still in shock. “Yeah, maybe,” I said, and we decided to do a movie night later in the week. (We had another place in the same complex that we had bought “for an office,” and he moved up there.)

    He came over and we had dinner and started watching an episode of a series that we had already started. I felt rather smug because he left the other woman up in the penthouse all alone, and was down in the townhouse watching NOTHING with me. (He was picking me!!!)

    Strangely, while we were watching, the man in the series came home and suddenly said, “The marriage is over.” And then he said, “I think we’d be better friends than husband and wife.” And the actress looked right at the camera with a horrified look on her face, and it was the end of that episode.

    And I looked right at him with a mock horrified look on my face. And we both started laughing! (It was so tragic.) And I said, “Yeah, this isn’t working. I guess you’d better go.” And he said, “I know…” And he left.

    End of story.

    Later, after I had time to get mad and then read books and then get social and then get friends and and then get a life, he wanted me back.

    But no.

  • I know they don’t change. When he left me he said he needs to be by himself, to work on himself. He told my daughter that he’s becoming a better person.

    2 years later I see an Instagram post from schmoopie and they have broken up. Reason? They need to “work on themselves” and take “take their own paths”. Looks like the last 2 years he did not get the work done did he? I went to a counselor ever week and immersed myself into my program, I am now the best Fairytale I have EVER been. I bet he never stepped foot into a counselors office.

  • yup….they’re batshit crazy.

    My ex has a thing for my family. Cheated with my cousin, and now lives with him. Text flirts all the time with me. I completely ignore it!!!

    • You may ignore it, but this needs to be outed.
      Unsolicited texts, that surely bears some penalty.

  • This song is everything
    If you need an anthem when the haters are trying to get you down, look no further than the queen Jill Scott
    I love that this blog helps remind me I dont have to focus on controlling their narrative of me to others
    Just accept that they suck and you have zero control over them

  • Forgive me for asking, just how f*ed up is the legal system?
    “The legal system is so fucked up, that he’s only made to pay for 25% of the kids”
    Where I live, he needs to pay 25% of his income.

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